Can You Be Accidentally Toxic?

How to spot and neutralize toxic positivity.

Let’s begin with a diagnostic. Take this quick toxic positivity quiz:

When you experience unpleasant emotions (like sadness or fear), do you quickly force yourself to cheer up or focus on the bright side?

If dissatisfied with something in your life, do you feel guilty for not being su ciently grateful for what you have?

When loved ones are upset, do you attempt to cheer them up even if they haven’t asked you to?

Do you tend to use phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” “look on the bright side,” or “at least it’s not as bad as it could be” to help others feel better?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have fallen prey to the pervasive phenomenon known as ‘toxic positivity.’ Whitney Goodman, psychotherapist and author of Toxic Positivity (2022), de nes it as “an unrelenting pressure to be happy all the time, regardless of circumstances, particularly in our deepest moments of struggle.” It is a pressure we impose on ourselves and others, paradoxically back ring in our quest for perpetual positivity.

What makes toxic positivity ‘toxic’?

Emotions like joy, gratitude, and love are essential for mental well-being. ere’s no evidence suggesting we can overindulge in positive feelings. However, positivity turns toxic when used to suppress or avoid underlying emotions, or to shame others for their thoughts and feelings. is often leads to increased stress, shame, guilt, and loneliness.

A ‘positivity mask’ can hinder understanding and addressing our true needs. It may divert attention from systemic issues by placing blame on the a ected individual. For instance, telling someone facing discrimination to “cheer up” or “be grateful” does nothing to alter their reality or the broader societal challenge.

Why do we engage in toxic positivity?

To abandon toxic positivity, it’s crucial to grasp its driving forces. Negative emotions—anger, sorrow, disappointment, envy—are uncomfortable to experience and witness. In these moments, pushing for positivity might seem like a shortcut to feeling better, despite often leading nowhere.

Complicating matters, psychology research highlights the bene ts of cultivating positive emotions (Seligman et al., 2005). Daily gratitude practice, for example, modestly enhances well-being (Gregg & Cheavens, 2021). Yet, there’s a distinction between such practices and defaulting to positivity as a universal remedy. Daily gratitude is akin to daily tooth-brushing—healthy and bene cial. But for deeper issues, like needing a root canal, mere positivity won’t su ce. As Goodman argues, in times of profound emotional pain, super cial encouragement falls short. To paraphrase Carl Jung, “What we resist persists.”

What are healthier alternatives?

In Toxic Positivity, Goodman advocates for respecting all emotions and their signi cance. If we didn’t feel pain, we wouldn’t recognize danger. Similarly, our painful emotions guide us toward healthier choices.

When emotions arise:

Acknowledge: Name the feeling or sensations.

Validate: Acknowledge the feeling’s validity.

Sit with: Allow space to feel the emotion without judgment.

Expand: Explore underlying needs through questions.

For instance, if disappointed about not getting a desired job:

Acknowledge: “I feel disappointed, sad, embarrassed, and exhausted.”

Validate: “It’s understandable given how hard I worked and how much I wanted it.”

Sit with: “Today, I’m giving myself permission to feel this disappointment.”

Validate: “What aspect of this disappointment hurts the most? What do I need right now?”

If a friend receives a difficult diagnosis:

Acknowledge: “It sounds like you’re feeling scared and overwhelmed.”

Validate: “That’s frightening news.”

Sit with: “Would you like to talk about what’s on your mind?”

Expand: “How can I support you through this? It’s okay if you’re unsure.”

When unsure, prioritize listening to feelings—whether your own or others’. Avoid rushing to solutions before understanding the emotion fully. Without this step, even the most well-intentioned pep talks may fall at.

BIO: Tania Luna is an entrepreneur, psychology researcher, and author of multiple books, including Lead Together: Stop Squirreling Away Power and Build a Better Team. She is the founder of Scarlet Spark, a nonpro t that ampli es the e ectiveness of animal advocacy organizations and co-founder of LifeLabs Learning, a leadership development company that helps thousands of people become more capable and compassionate leaders. She is the co-host of the podcast Talk Psych to Me, TED speaker, and writer for Psychology Today. She lives in a micro-sanctuary with rescued pigs, goats, dogs, roosters, cats, and the love of her life. You can visit her website at: https://www.tanialuna.com/