SURVIVING TOXIC BOSSES

Real Stories and Smart Solutions

Imagine waking up every morning with a sense of doom, knowing you’re about to face another day with a toxic boss. The anxiety builds as you step into the office, bracing yourself for the onslaught of unrealistic expectations and demeaning behavior directed towards you. You're at a point where your sleep is affected, you have a stomachache every day, and you hate your job! You're constantly trying to prove yourself, getting to work early, staying late, and taking on more work than you can handle. Yet, despite all your efforts, you cannot earn your boss’s approval.

Unfortunately, this scenario is all too familiar for many individuals in the workforce. In this article, I will discuss the prevalence of toxic bosses, share personal anecdotes, delve into mental health implications, and provide practical strategies for coping and reclaiming your self-esteem and positive mental attitude.

A Harris Poll conducted in 2023 among 1,233 United States employees revealed alarming findings: “Many American employers display harmful behaviors such as setting unreasonable expectations (51 % ), micromanaging (49 % ), and credit-stealing (48 % ). A staggering 53 % of American employees confess to working on weekends, holidays, or days off because of their bosses. The issue is pervasive, with over two-thirds of American workers having experienced a toxic boss, and 31 % currently working under one.” Additionally, 73 % stated they struggle with anxiety on weekends as they anticipate returning to work on Mondays, while 41 % seek therapy due to their boss's toxic behavior.

These findings encapsulate what many of us endure day in and day out in our interactions with toxic bosses. When you consider that we spend more time at work than anywhere else, the toll of a toxic boss becomes evident. Spending so much time in a dysfunctional work environment, navigating daily hurtful interactions, is bound to have an emotional effect on your mental health if left unresolved.

Here are some examples of toxic boss behavior, drawn from my own experiences. I've held numerous jobs throughout my life, accumulating over 45 years of work history. While I'm not proud to admit it, much of my life was consumed by a strong work ethic until I achieved a healthier work/life balance. One environment where toxic bosses thrive is in the realm of personal assistants. I worked as a personal assistant for a female business owner, initially hired for administrative tasks, but the role quickly morphed. She would unexpectedly leave her child with me for hours, and I found myself doing everything from housecleaning to listening to her unethical schemes.

I was even humiliated in front of her friends. When I decided to leave, she resorted to begging before resorting to anger and threats, claiming she'd never let me work for anyone else.

I also worked for a male boss who sold gold and fine jewelry at trade shows to major retailers. Naive and lacking boundaries, I worked grueling 15-hour days for years. Any attempt to take time off was met with accusations of laziness. Instead of proper wages, I was often offered jewelry. Feeling indebted, I found myself entangled in an unhealthy relationship where I felt obligated to him. It wasn't until I distanced myself that I recognized the manipulation and control.

My final story involves a boss who was a relentless screamer. I worked in Human Resources for a start-up Professional Employer Organization, which quickly turned into a nightmare. The CEO was having an affair with his secretary, who acted as if she owned the place. My direct supervisor was a bully who would berate employees in the middle of the office and occasionally showed up drunk. Lawsuits ensued due to their outrageous behavior, and I ultimately left the company, which soon went bankrupt.

‘As you read these stories, you likely have your own experiences that may surpass mine in severity. However, take a moment to assess your mental health and how you're dealing with your toxic boss. Often, we become so consumed with our job performance that we overlook the toll it takes on our mental well-being. If you find yourself numbing out at home, feeling irritable, or withdrawing from loved ones, it's crucial to evaluate how you're managing interactions with your toxic boss.

If you're unsure, consider taking a free online screening at https://screening.mhanational.org for anxiety and/or depression. It can provide a baseline and guide you on seeking help if needed.

The most powerful tool you have to cope and reclaim your self-esteem is setting boundaries. Make a list of the boundaries necessary to change your interactions with your toxic boss. Remember, a boundary is not a request but a non-negotiable stance on how you will be treated. It won't be easy, especially with a toxic boss, but establishing boundaries prevents you from being on the receiving end of abuse. Additionally, consider personal boundaries, such as separating your personal and work life and learning to assertively stand up for yourself when disrespected.

In conclusion, I highly recommend reading the book, boundaries at Work: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Work Life , by Dr. Henry Cloud, to learn more about boundaries and regain balance and healthy self-esteem in navigating challenges with a toxic boss. Leaving your job is always an option, but it's not a quick or easy process. Take time to care for yourself and consider seeking the support of a mental health therapist to process and heal from the challenges of having a toxic boss. Remember, you are worth prioritizing your well-being to live your best life!

Maria Fernandez is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist who specializes in working with adults who struggle with trauma, anxiety, depression, marital conflicts, and loss. Maria provides various trauma-informed and integrative modalities to adapt to the needs of her clients. She has a history of providing pastoral care in the Christian faith community and is fully bilingual in English and Spanish.

Life Strategies Counseling LLC

Business Cell: 407-738-0955

Email: MariaLSCC@outlook.com