THE SERVANT OF GRIEF Wilhelmina Martinez
No one is ever really prepared to lose someone they
thought it was a cold. I offered and practically begged her to
love. First you have them in your life and in an instant moment,
get checked at the hospital but she insisted that she would get
a split second even, and they could be gone. I never thought
better soon and refused to go to the doctor for some medica-
about death or what comes after. Nor, did I ever think about
tion to help her recover. I previously checked on my mother and
anyone really close to me eventually leaving? I always found
noticed some- thing odd about her. I walked out only just for a
death very uncomfortable; I never know what to say or how to
minute.
react to it.
Growing up, there was always someone that we were losing in
movie with her, she was still and stiff as a board. She was wear-
my family. “Everyone eventually meets their time, it’s the circle
ing her pastel pink tank top, her hair curly, and the comforter
of life,” my mom often told me when I was smaller. I never
covered the rest of her body but still slightly revealing her rose
thought that was comforting or sympathetic. My mom and I
tattoo on her chest. I saw her lying lifeless in her bed, my eyes
had always been very close. But I am not gonna lie, there were
wandered frantically to the bedside to look for telephone. She
big problems between us. But who doesn’t have problems? I
was in her big bed with a fluffy grey comforter wrapped around
remember it always being about money.
her as I dialed 911. I then went back to my mom where I looked
at her chest not moving. I was frozen and speechless. I could
My mom was self-employed, a pottery maker and de-
When I went back into the room to sit and watch a
signer. As far back as I could remember, my mother was always
feel every hair jump up on my body. And I could not move until
beside me like any mother would be for their children. My dad
my eyes filled up with big fat tears and I managed to mutter,
passed away when I was five years old, and I can barely remem-
“Mom?... mom?” But she didn’t answer me. The operator had to
ber him being around—just little clips of memories that I will
snap me back into the moment and told me to get her onto the
always cherish forever. So, that meant my mom had to be twice
floor to perform CPR. But when my hands touched her soft skin
the parent she already was. It’s not easy being a single mother
that was when I was doubting that my best friend could be dead
of four.
because in that moment was the last time I felt her warmth.
I remember the day it happened, when everything
Everything was a big blur after that. In a flash, there I
turned to total crap. I find it hilarious in movies when someone
was in the hospital waiting room still petrified from the previous
dies and it’s dark and gloomy, with rain pouring down. But
events. Going back, I hate the fact that I was the only one there.
that just isn’t the reality. This was a bright sunny day, and in the
My brothers and sisters were elsewhere being with my nephew
beginning of May. May 11th to be exact. On Mother’s Day, can
through his surgery. I hate that I did not know how to react to
you believe that? I just remember it being just my mom and I at
this situation. I couldn’t even cry because I was just so heartbro-
home. In our little pink house, the lights turned off, the air being
ken yet confused.
nice and cool with faint sounds of the television in the background coming from her room. I was in the bathroom getting ready.
2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 4
My mom had gotten sick a few days before. We
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