RED MESA REVIEW

THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO-GALLUP machinegun

RED MESA CORPORATE REVIEW

BROCHURE

THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO-GALLUP

RED MESA REVIEW

REPRESENTING THE VARIED VOICES OF THE WEST CENTRAL PLATEAU AND THE FOUR CORNERS REGION.

RED MESA REVIEW COLLECTIVE YI-WEN HUANG CARMELA LANZA THOMAS MCLAREN KERI STEVENSON KRISTI WILSON LEE LAMB CARMEN WELLBORN

COVER ART: Matthew Bollinger Chromaticism VII (A3A4BF, 7B85A6, A67F5D, 8C634A, 400A S0A, 79AEF2, 77B9F2, D96D55, D9B7B4, 592A2A) Drawing, Collage and Mixed Media on Canvas, 48 x 60 Inches, 2019

THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO-GALLUP

RED MESA REVIEW

REPRESENTING THE VARIED VOICES OF THE WEST CENTRAL PLATEAU AND THE FOUR CORNERS REGION.

CONTENTS ART MISSING, MURDERED, INDIGENOUS I

2

HOT AIR BALLOON 56

MISSING, MURDERED, INDIGENOUS II

7

LONESOME 59

KNOCK OFF EXPRESSIONISM

10

NATIVE SUNSET 61

OMINOUS CIRCLE 13

BULL SKULL UNDER THE NEW MEXICAN SUN AND MOON

WAVES 20

MUSICK 67

SKETCH 21

FAMILY: RNS & EMTS 69

MICRON 26

A STARRY NIGHT AT MONUMENT VALLEY

DREAM CATCHER 31

ENCHANTED 81

EVENINGS 37

A GLEAM OF LIGHT 85

MESAS OF UTAH 39 MOUNTAINS TRAIL 42 CHI CHIL TAH 43 PINE TREE PARK 44 ONE HAPPY DOG 46 SOCIAL DISTANCING HARLEY STYLE

48

FLY BY VIEWS 53

65

80

THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO-GALLUP REPRESENTING THE VARIED VOICES OF THE WEST CENTRAL PLATEAU AND THE FOUR CORNERS REGION.

RED MESA REVIEW CONTENTS ESSAYS

POETRY

THE SERVANT OF GRIEF 4-6

FOREVER DAWN | COBIN WILLIE

1

DIVISION FROM TURMOIL 16-18

AD HOMINEM ALBUS | TOM MCLAREN

3

A PART OF ME 22-23

REMAINS | NIKITA BEGAY 8

THE CEREMONY | ALMANDA BROOKS

29-30

OVERSIGHT BOARD REFERENCE ID: FB-P9YKS4EF | TOM MCLAREN

9

THE LONELY TREE AND I | DASHANTI BEGAY

32

WHERE DID TIME GO | DANTE ROACH

11

DAILY ROUTINE DISRUPTED | ROSE ADAKAI

33-35

TRANSISTORPUNK: THEY DIE IN TALLIN | TOM MCLAREN

12

NEW MOUNTAINS | COBIN WILLIE

38

DAYS OF DAYS | NIKITA BEGAYE

14

THE HOLLYWOOD INJUN | AMANDA GIRALDO

50-52

SHUT DOWN | NAUTISHA KEETO

15

SAY SOMETHING IF YOU’RE THERE | JOCELYN LYNN SUNG

62-64

WRITER’S BLOCK | ALIZAH CHAVEZ

19

THE FOURTH PARADOXIST MANIFESTO | FLORENTIN SMARANDACHE

70-79

REMEMBERING DAYS WITH GRANDMA | JERMAINE NELSON

24

NOBODY HEARS YOU | JOCELYN LYNN SUNG

87-89

NAAD33' |ARETHA MATT 25 COURAGE | GARRIDYN HENDERSON 27 BLESSED | RAELYN HERBERT 28 CALL AND RESPONSE, GALLUP 2020 | ANDREW MCFEATERS

36

I SAW YOU | KEITH KELLY

40

MY FATHER SANG TO ME | ANGEL WHITECALF

41

TREE | MARIAH YAZZIE 45

THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO-GALLUP REPRESENTING THE VARIED VOICES OF THE WEST CENTRAL PLATEAU AND THE FOUR CORNERS REGION.

RED MESA REVIEW CONTENTS POETRY (CONTINUED...)

ARYA | MARIAH YAZZIE 47 DRIVING | YI-WEN HUANG 49 THANKS TO YOU | NAUTISHA KEETO

54

TAIWANESE CHEERING FOR CHEESE | YI-WEN HUANG

55

REBORN | ALIZAY CHAVEZ 57-58 1 A.M. | MARIAH YAZZIE

60

THE THEORY OF DEATH | TOM MCLAREN

66

CHRISTMAS EVE | MAKDES LASH

68

GROWING THOUGHTS | NAUTISHA KEETO

82

NOVEMBER | CALANDRA BEGAY

83

UNHEARD | APRIL MANSON 84 TOGETHER | ARETHA MATT 86

FOREVER DAWN COBIN WILLIE

Have you ever felt like you were at war with your own

I will bite down to grind my teeth as I sew faith to my

head?

skin so it can drag me to the light when I do not feel

No motivation just hesitation to find yourself balled

alright

up in honest self-mutilation

Horned conscience laughing dancing having another

Looking up to yell this hell to broken wishes from

heyday with new ways to falter, what good is anoth-

shattered constellations

er burning altar?

The wound is true with new beatings turning blue, I

I am not so sure anymore which is darker, that part

against Me against Myself

of my mind that turns on me or is it that part of my

I hate the way I love how good this feels because

heart that wants to forever remain torn apart

love to me is so unreal

Forever dawn feels forever wrong I rather see the sky

Even the coldest casket could not keep me from

blood painted till it turns black

masking it, still hiding it

I will squeeze the throat with a pole bearer grip,

Running through the rain praying for one more last

reflected flesh begins to rip

cleansing cascade

I face the truth, so afraid, I wish this could be easily

If the devil is in the details than the angel should

unmade, but the pain remains here to stay

have been obvious

It took so long to see it now that me hurting me is

I try to cage the rage before the rage leaves me

hurting you, me breaking me is breaking you, me

caged

drowning me is drowning you

My mind still stuck on repeat still crashing at the

Alone in this nailing my own tongue to my own fist, I

same old broken tracks

cannot speak of how this will end

Here’s proof that a spirit can bleed, and faith can

Breaking the vow was the vow, I know I need it but

even find a way to stay away

do not want the help

I am not lost, I just do not want to be found; it is my

Razor wire wrapped around my mouth stained with

maze where I want to remain

blood tinged spit of words spoken to never forget

But today seems a bit different, a little less tense

some miracles begin with the deepest cut

there is an unknown on the horizon Which somebody will I be today if it is to be my last, which voice will have their forever day?

Do they make tombstones for monsters you made?

What would it read or left blank?

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 1

Missing, Murdered, Indigenous I 2020

MATTHEW BOLLINGER

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 2

ad hominem albus not for the culture warriors in honor of Scowl

TOM MCLAREN

old heterosexual cis white males trigger sessions of snowflakes, puppies & coloring books Plato blowing bubbles ideologically-based affirmative activists throw Bibles at the storefront of the gunshop and build narratives where each is their own ultimate martyr and hero and any fantasized oppressor is dead meat. antifa stooges, domestic terrorists utilize unstable signifiers to assault with impunity whomsoever they deem oppressive that day Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot killed millions the hippies will lie, but cameras won’t If what they are doing is ok, then why do they need to cover their faces?

10 horny Frenchman proximally harass female patrons in the unisex bathroom of a Montreal EDM club my wife and I crammed into a single stall trying to escape the male/female eye On the Duke city dancefloor, lesbians began to assault my wife Ayers, Dohrn, Machtiger, Rosenberg, Rudd, and Raskin are not as high on the scale of victimhood as Ericka Huggins nor as cool as Angela Davis tenured terrorists taught us there is no safe space Sproul Plaza, Berkeley, now, the home of the anti-free speech movement Derrida was once en vogue but in its manifestation, deconstruction reared its ugly head Theory became Dangerous when it made the turn from empowerment to status by victimhood the right is the new left the beats hated the hippies freedom belongs to the strong history is written by the winners, with baskets of deplorables written out

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 3

THE SERVANT OF GRIEF Wilhelmina Martinez

No one is ever really prepared to lose someone they

thought it was a cold. I offered and practically begged her to

love. First you have them in your life and in an instant moment,

get checked at the hospital but she insisted that she would get

a split second even, and they could be gone. I never thought

better soon and refused to go to the doctor for some medica-

about death or what comes after. Nor, did I ever think about

tion to help her recover. I previously checked on my mother and

anyone really close to me eventually leaving? I always found

noticed some- thing odd about her. I walked out only just for a

death very uncomfortable; I never know what to say or how to

minute.

react to it.

Growing up, there was always someone that we were losing in

movie with her, she was still and stiff as a board. She was wear-

my family. “Everyone eventually meets their time, it’s the circle

ing her pastel pink tank top, her hair curly, and the comforter

of life,” my mom often told me when I was smaller. I never

covered the rest of her body but still slightly revealing her rose

thought that was comforting or sympathetic. My mom and I

tattoo on her chest. I saw her lying lifeless in her bed, my eyes

had always been very close. But I am not gonna lie, there were

wandered frantically to the bedside to look for telephone. She

big problems between us. But who doesn’t have problems? I

was in her big bed with a fluffy grey comforter wrapped around

remember it always being about money.

her as I dialed 911. I then went back to my mom where I looked

at her chest not moving. I was frozen and speechless. I could

My mom was self-employed, a pottery maker and de-

When I went back into the room to sit and watch a

signer. As far back as I could remember, my mother was always

feel every hair jump up on my body. And I could not move until

beside me like any mother would be for their children. My dad

my eyes filled up with big fat tears and I managed to mutter,

passed away when I was five years old, and I can barely remem-

“Mom?... mom?” But she didn’t answer me. The operator had to

ber him being around—just little clips of memories that I will

snap me back into the moment and told me to get her onto the

always cherish forever. So, that meant my mom had to be twice

floor to perform CPR. But when my hands touched her soft skin

the parent she already was. It’s not easy being a single mother

that was when I was doubting that my best friend could be dead

of four.

because in that moment was the last time I felt her warmth.

I remember the day it happened, when everything

Everything was a big blur after that. In a flash, there I

turned to total crap. I find it hilarious in movies when someone

was in the hospital waiting room still petrified from the previous

dies and it’s dark and gloomy, with rain pouring down. But

events. Going back, I hate the fact that I was the only one there.

that just isn’t the reality. This was a bright sunny day, and in the

My brothers and sisters were elsewhere being with my nephew

beginning of May. May 11th to be exact. On Mother’s Day, can

through his surgery. I hate that I did not know how to react to

you believe that? I just remember it being just my mom and I at

this situation. I couldn’t even cry because I was just so heartbro-

home. In our little pink house, the lights turned off, the air being

ken yet confused.

nice and cool with faint sounds of the television in the background coming from her room. I was in the bathroom getting ready.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 4

My mom had gotten sick a few days before. We

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‘SERVANT OF GRIEF’ CONTINUED >

There was no one there for her but me, but I thought

suffocate you once you enter the viewing room and how it

for the first time.

will shove itself down your throat until your words could never

I ignored their help and kindness. All I wanted to do

reach the surface again—or how it will grab all your emotions by

was stay home and curl up in a ball. Going to school did not

to myself was I really there for her if I let that happen? I allowed

its neck and suppress it in a bottle and bury it deep down until

matter to me at all. I stopped caring about my education and

negative thoughts to cloud my mind, not knowing that I un-

you can’t ever retrieve it anymore.

did not try as much as I used to.

controllably started crying into my hands. By then the doctor

came out, “I’m sorry we could not revive your mother, we did

have ever been to. I hated seeing everyone act the way they

my mom and things would turn out. I missed my old friends and

what we could...” He paused noticing I was alone. “Err.. uhm did

did towards the loss. When my mother asked them for help or

my old school. Being separated from my sister was a stake to

you want to see your mother?” he asked sympathetically but

tried to talk to them they would always turn her away and never

my heart. We have never been separated so far from one anoth-

with concern and with his big scruffy eyebrows scrunched up in

bothered to check in on her. But then mention how they would

er. She lived in my dad’s house which was two hours away from

the middle of his brow. “No, thank you. I don’t want to see her

try their best to talk to her and how they wish they could spend

me. I knew that I had a serious problem and needed help but

like that.” I tried to push out the words from my mouth without

one last moment with her. Fake, fake, fake! I thought. I don’t

nothing motivated me. I wanted to stay hidden from everyone

breaking down again. “Are you sure? Are you here alone?” he

think I have ever been so annoyed in my life.

and be alone all the time. I barely moved; I was like molasses.

asked, trying to be as nice as he could. I could not do it. I could

black, and slow to move. However, after the weeks turned into

not see her like that, and I knew that it would definitely crush

and their way to cope. To cope with how they wish to remem-

months, and months into years. I still felt guilt each day for nev-

me. So, without having to carry on with this awkward conver-

ber things in their favor but try and make it known to everyone

er taking her to the hospital. Everyone told me that it was not

sation that I was dreading every moment whenever I spoke to

else, even if it was a lie. A year later, I made the decision to live

my fault, but I always felt guilty. It took me back to when I was

him, I got up and left the lobby to be alone.

with my brother. “Keep doing good in school, just know that

nine years old, and I remember sitting in my grandma’s living

Then finally, I met with my sister at the front door. I

Going to her funeral was the most annoying event I

But in the end I know that funerals are for the living

I always wondered how it would be if I still lived with

you can call me anytime that you want and I know it’s going to

room as she was talking to somebody about the death of my

noticed her eyes were puffy and red, she had her glasses in her

be hard to adjust to being away from me but I will try and visit

father. All I remember about that conversation was her saying,

pocket, she probably needed to keep wiping her eyes, and she

you. I love you my little willy bean.” My sister said this to me

“Yeah... This one here was in the car accident with my son. She

seemed like she was running. I knew my brothers were not that

with so much love in her voice as she grabbed me and gave the

survived by kicking out the window of the car to get help from

far behind. As soon as I saw her, we hugged and I cried and

biggest hug ever.

someone on the road. I think if she woke up faster or got out

cried until I felt an extra two pairs of arms wrapping around me.

of the window faster then maybe my son would have still been

I knew they felt terrible that I went through this alone. “I’m sor-

a big regret. He was tall, athletic, and had this stern look on

alive,” she said with tears building up in the corner of her eyes. I

ry, I’m so sorry...” My oldest brother wept as he pulled each of us

his face all the time that made him look so serious and mad.

don’t think I had ever been so hurt in my entire life. What’s even

closer to him. He was crying the most. As I mentioned before,

He stayed in a modern, beige carpet, wooden tiled, apartment

worse is I couldn’t get myself to speak up and hit her back with

my family never had any good luck when it came to longevity.

with his girlfriend. My brother seemed to be handling things

something I could defend myself with but nothing came out. It

I have been to many funerals and been prepared by my mother

very well—a bit too well maybe—as he never talked about his

was like someone instantly grabbed my vocal cords and ran off

on what it was going to be like and how my family members,

feelings. He was the oldest and was now the one with the most

with them.

whom I could never really remember, were gonna look in their

responsibilities. I felt like a burden that was casted upon him

caskets, and how sadness was going to cloud the atmosphere

and I never thought that I would have to live here with them.

around us. But my mother never prepared me for her funeral

“Make yourself feel comfortable and if you need anything just

and how to take it in. She never mentioned how sorrow will

let me know.” He said awkwardly as we entered his apartment

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 5

At that moment I knew moving away from her was

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‘SERVANT OF GRIEF’ CONTINUED >

allowing me to release any tension I was feeling. I truly believe

across a pamphlet about the Mayo Clinic. Its website described

that running helped get my confidence back and become more

complicated grief. There was something on the website that

positive. It wasn’t just track that helped me, it was also reading

was mentioned about grief that I could never forget, “Adjusting

sister and crying in her embrace and I didn’t want to let go. I

and spending quality time with my family. Although, I never

to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer present.” I

wanted to stay in her comfort forever. The fact that my grand-

talked about my feelings to anyone or the hurt that I had, I nev-

thought wow that is straightforward but it reminded me of a

ma blamed me for my father’s death was unexpected, especially

er mentioned it. Finding all these outlets really helped me

poem. I found that weird yet comforting. The poem, “Nothing

when you’re only nine years old. I could never forget that nor

become someone better than that girl who just locked herself in

Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost was one of the most amazing

could I ever forgive my grandma for saying that to me. But then

her room thinking that no one cared about her. When in reality

poems I have ever read. This poem to me described everything

thinking about my mother it always brought me back to that

everyone did, it was just her who didn’t care about herself

that I felt toward my situation. That even in the most perfect,

memory. So I took it that it was my fault that my siblings and I

enough.

beautiful thing that nature or the world has to offer it will not

were now orphans. I remember watching “P.S I Love You” once,

and I sure did feel like her when she just stays reclusive in her

ed to move on. I called my brother in my room and when he sat

apartment all day long and never comes out until her family has

down on my bed I grew confident in what I was about to say. “I

I knew that she couldn’t be around forever. But I’m glad that I

to come in and save her. Only difference is that reclusiveness

think I need help... I miss home, I miss mom. Sometimes I wish

made so many memories with her. Her death made me learn,

was only going on mentally and no one could save me but

I could just leave and I want to stop thinking that the world is

and I experienced tragedy when I did not want but had to go

myself. That’s if I even wanted to be saved. But I knew that I had

ending. I wanna be my old self.” This stunned him, it was unex-

through eventually. With this new information, I can go forward

to quit sitting on the sidelines and seeing everyone else play the

pected but he agreed to help me. All he did was smile, nod, and

and notice those who suffer like me, and I will be able to help

game and winning. I needed to do is find something that will

hugged me. That was the first step to me helping myself, and

them by relating to them. But mainly learning more about my-

help me get out of this dark hole and be unleashed from grief’s

it felt so good. The following week, I started counseling. I dis-

self, and how to help myself when I need it and not be scared

tight grip.

covered help guided by counseling. I learned that grief comes

to ask others for help, too. With this traumatic experience, I

in many different ways. I think that people should be more

am grateful that I learned from it, and I now will no longer be a

May We Be Forgiven, The main character Harold witnesses his

aware of. Grief is not just dealing with a loved one who has

servant to grief.

lover Jane get brutally murdered but ends up handling his grief

passed. It can be dealing with divorce, parting from something

in a healthy manner like nothing happened. I remember think-

personal, retirement, and even loss of health. I found this really

ing, “Man, I wish I could recover like that.” But no, I was more

important.

like Mike from Bag of Bones, a writer, loses his wife which he did

ways grief can affect people, but more importantly how people

not witness and handles it very bad. He becomes very reclusive

don’t understand it. It’s important to have self-awareness and

and does not enjoy being around people anymore. I could relate

be on the alert for those around you. Losing a pet can impact a

more to Mike than Harold.

person really bad, and I am glad that I had my family there for

me when I was ready, and they came and helped. Some people

After hearing that, I remember just running up to my

I remember reading this novel in my sophomore year,

Once realizing the amount of pain that I was allowing

This one night I just could not do it anymore. I need-

I never thought about how many

myself to suffer, I started changing my situation. By that I mean

don’t understand that losing the things you cherish and have

I started focusing on my current mental stability at the time and

the most meaning in your life hurts. It’s not always losing people

dealing with depression in a more healthy way. I started picking

that can cause depression.

up my grades in school and by entered the sport of track,

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 6

One day waiting for my counseling session, I came

last forever.

My mother was the good thing I had in my life, and

Missing, Murdered, Indigenous II 2020

MATTHEW BOLLINGER

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 7

REMAINS

NIKITA BEGAY

My feelings are holding by a stem, Gut feelings had known Many thoughts that keep me up at night, Oh, how you wander deep Intoxicated by your love, You etched into my skull If I had to sum you up in a couple of words, I would not be able to We were living life in a fairytale, Now were in a boat I sail away with what I have left, To gather up my pieces and fly south for the winter Said goodbye to this life, If it means that you’d be okay

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 8

Oversight Board Reference ID: FB-P9YKS4EF TOM MCLAREN

In the early days of the Maoist technocracy a few days before Digitalnacht Facebook labeled me mentally ill for requesting proof of the current genocide against minorities taking place in America Something about, but where are the mass graves . . .

Deleuze & Guattari were right to be concerned Van Gogh at Saint Remy Artaud at Rodez, corresponding with Jacques Riviere Carl & Allen at Pilgrim, Rockland & Greystone Later, I would be detained into the Facebook gulag for posting a youtube link to the Cabaret song, “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” Meanwhile in Portland, Antifa Brownshirts mob Powell’s Bookstore Knowing their party will allow them to terrorize to honest citizens with no repercussions Just look at CHAZ The Maoist Struggle Sessions have begun Ping Pong, anyone?

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 9

Knock Off Expressionism 2020

JUSTIN HOUSE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 10

WHERE DID TIME GO DANTE ROACH

What happened?

Things started so well Time was barely racing From early morning breakfast To late night ride alongs From screaming lyrics at the top of our lungs To laying quietly with no words spoken It ended so abruptly From being together all the time To hardly speaking at all Time seemed to go backwards Until eventually we were left With no more breakfast Just cold dinner Left at the table for no one to share.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 11

Transistorpunk: They Die in Tallin TOM MCLAREN

A heavy vibe, walking the ports shorts, scarf, blackwatch commando sweater Big watch/little pecker stainless steel tudor like a hiking model

Shit got real in a gas station with 2 10s drinking coffee ketchup & mustard spilling onto her sweatshirt from baguette dogs after that, she started ordering no condiments

Liasing with Forest Brothers, Kaitseliit

I’m always down for beautiful, cultured 9s & 10s Former-Soviet Angels who play chess, shoot rifles, do ballet & rhythmic gymnastics Pussy Galore to my Bond, James Bond

Soviet ships prepared to kickstart WWIII Instagramming a snap of myself sitting on a Soviet torpedo King Kong on the Water feeling transistorpunk like I do at the Sandia Crest antennas

Robert Wagner, Alexander Mundi, stalking the Evil Empire This, my friends, is how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb!

Did I mention I grew up next to a Nike sight?

Cold War Bunkers Patarei Prison built by the Czar but taken over by the KGB a small slice of Communist Soviet Hell with a fake Banksy & statues of minor apparatchiks Kumu, the Kunstimuuseum, Westside Story now playing at the National Opera like Bill Miller said, Take the gayest knife fight you ever saw and add dancing A medieval scullery wench serving ox soup and meat pies heckling customers in multiple languages told me to use my spoon as a comb The torture museum was a replica of everything in a book I bought as a teenage masochist oral vaginal rectal pears like something out of Hostel II Then I saw the iron cross brand for heretics and I finally saw where the tattoo came from

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 12

Ominous Circle 2020

JUSTIN HOUSE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 13

DAYS OF DAYS

NIKITA BEGAYE

Days of Days Thinking about a corporate life, froze like the coldest night Just breathe, Don’t think too deep, Where the undertow heavy and the current don’t leave, Compass pointed to the wind, Life doesn’t stop, so make use of the minutes, Only to get them and waste the seconds, What if everything around you isn’t quite what it seems?

What is all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 14

SHUT DOWN

NAUTISHA KEETO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 15

Peace found in the dark.

Deafening thoughts but no voice.

Distraction is muse.

DIVISION FROM TURMOIL

JUSTIN HOUSE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 16

“Happy Birthday dear Justin, Happy Birthday to you” This was sung asynchronously throughout a trailer in a trailer park, Redhills, on the east side of Gallup, New Mexico, in the month of February. It was dark outside of the trailer that was lighted with various lights, this included lamps, stove lights, light from the TV, and the roof lights from all of the rooms in the trailer.

I was waiting for this annoying ass song to be over with so I’m allowed to hurry up and blow out the candles. As I did that, the crowd around me cheered and clapped, and I wished I was with my mom. But I alas was stuck with the family I honestly couldn’t care less about, and a dad I could care less about. After that ordeal, I made my way back to my seat by the table to wait till the party was over, and I could get one day left in my visit with my dad over and done with.

“Hey Justin, want to open your presents now?” my dad asked me loudly since the whole trailer was pretty loud. He walked up to me with birthday cards most likely holding up to $10 at most.

“Sure…” I said in a monotone voice that I used then I was around him.

He then handed me the birthday cards and went to get the other presents and he came back with a total of five other presents. As I’m about to open a letter, he stopped me.

“Hey let’s do those last, so you can read them out loud to everyone” he said seemingly calm, and I put it down. And as I put it down he handed me a present that was pretty heavy. It read “From: Dad. To: Son.” Once I tore through the wrapping, I saw the box for the PlayStation 2.

I was stunned mainly because I always wanted a console since I played on one at my dad’s mistress apartment, and her son let me play some truck game on his GameCube. For the very first time I was actually happy being around my dad since I started the visit thing with him when I was 3 years old. And I couldn’t believe it, that was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten on my birthday was one not from my mom but from my dad.

And after a couple more weeks, my opinion of going with my dad had a huge change. I was actually somewhat looking forward to my visits with him. But it wasn’t because I wanted to spend time with him or anything, but I really wanted to play on my PlayStation 2. I think he knew

this since he wouldn’t allow me to take it back with me to my mom’s. He never really bought me games until later on, and so I would have to get games I could play from the Blockbuster in between McDonalds and Burger King on the east side of town.

“Hey did you pick a game yet?” my dad asked while holding a DVD of a movie that he was going to watch for the night. We were at Blockbuster and that was a thing we started to do after I got my PlayStation 2.

I was looking in the PlayStation section for a game to play for the weekend with my dad. I ended up getting Marvel Ultimate Alliance. “Yeah I decided to get this game again,” I said walking him to the counter.

“Dang you’re getting that again?” my dad joked.

“Yeah,” I said in a monotone voice as I put the game box on the counter for the cashier to scan, and put it into a bag. The reason I liked that game and my sudden change of heart for going on visits with my dad was mainly because I had something to keep my mind off him, and the reason that helped was because my mom told about what he did to her. So I had to spend a weekend with the man who did horrible things to my mom, and that would piss off any kid who loved his mom.

And before I had the PlayStation, I would have more time to realize what he did, and even worse being near him.

Playing the game was a way for me to relieve that stress. This was backed up by the fact that a lot of people use video games to deal with any sort of stress whether physically or mentally had positive effects from playing video games. With all that in mind, it’s no real surprise that I got more and more okay with visiting my dad. But also the fact that this would play into another part in my life that would involve another console that would help me in a similar way.

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‘DIVISION FROM TURMOIL’ CONTINUED >

Two years later, my mom, sister, and I moved to Gallup from Farmington, and let’s just say that it was pretty chaotic time in our lives. Reaching from the fact that my grandmother was dying and that was the reason we moved here to take care of her, but also the problems we were having with my sister’s dad who wouldn’t stop harassing us, and my overall struggle with moving here; and this added with the new problems with moving here, like bullies. And it was a time in which I needed a way to escape from all that stuff happening at the time. This isn’t a new thing since a lot of people have been using games to help them escape from reality they find stressful and from feeling a lack of control in their own lives. In that time period, I desperately needed something to take my mind off things and my dad still wouldn’t let me take my PlayStation 2 to my mom’s despite living 10 minutes away as opposed to 2 hours.

“Damn there are a lot of people here!” my mom said shocked at the crowd of people at Walmart. Her eyes expressed weariness, anger, and frustration. Because of all the people, the traffic slowed down even more, and while her face looked stoic, she also looked bored and tired.

“I mean it is the first of the month” I said sarcastically. After living in Gallup for about a month, we knew that the Walmart here was always packed on the first of the month. And as I was drifting into thought, I heard my mom’s voice.

“Learn how to fucking drive, piece of shit!” she yelled with venom as she honked her horn at the other driver. Her face now no longer stoic but full of emotion; mainly anger.

We would then find a parking spot around the east side of Walmart near the entrance and were walking in. Inside wasn’t as bad compared to outside judging by the way my mom reacted to it earlier. As we were walking to the electronics section of Walmart, I had this rising feeling of enticement I hadn’t felt since I first heard we were coming to Gallup and seeing how that’s been going, that feeling also raised my wariness. And what I was thinking about was that I was getting a new console, to only having the PlayStation 2 to getting another one not too long ago for

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my birthday.

We then entered the electronics section, and my mom was looking for a worker to help us get the console we were getting and then she found one. “Hey do mind showing us where the Xbox 360 is at?” my mom asked kindly, a complete contrast from her voice earlier.

“Sure it’s right over here”, the worker said heading toward the back of the electronics section by the portable heaters in the home section. It was behind a glass case to help prevent people from stealing it.

“Could you also help us find the games ‘Halo, Halo 2, Halo 3’?” my mom asked trying to read the note she made earlier before we left to Walmart.

“It’s just on the next aisle”, he said roughly trying to get the console out of its glass prison.

We then headed to the game section, and I got the games that I wanted. I decided to get Halo CE, Halo 2, and Halo 330. The reason for that is because I kept hearing kids at my school talking about how “Halo was the shit!” and since I didn’t really know most of the other games at that point for the Xbox, I got those 3 games.

After all that, I can safely say that the Xbox 360 really helped me when I was having trouble since moving here to Gallup. It was difficult for all of us, but for me it was the fact that I really didn’t know why we moved here.

I mean, I knew why but not why? We moved here. But my Xbox wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Much like I mentioned before, the positive escape was all well and good but it can also be a harmful negative escape, and it’s backed by the fact that people who play games for long periods of time and think that video games are better than reality can think that caring or doing work in the real world is not worth it, and also start to show signs of getting addicted to video games. That would lead into me using it to escape problems in the real world only to walking into a new one. In fact, it was most likely the biggest problem I ever had when it came to playing games.

“I’m taking away your Xbox for a semester till you get you’re freaking grades up!” my mom said with venom as we were heading back home after coming to a meeting with my teachers and her discussing my inability to turn in homework. And thus lowering my grades overall. In the

article, “Video Games May Affect Your Kid’s grades, New Studies Find, But It’s Not As Bad As You Think”, Vanessa Taylor states that “Intensive computer gaming did have a negative impacts on grades… However, that impact was so small it’s practically insignificant.

“Children could play up to eight hours a day with very small academic effects…” And with all that in mind playing games wasn’t the problem but the amount that I played, which was well over eight hours. In fact back then I would play up to 12 hours a day except for weekdays since my mom forced me to go to sleep around 9. Even then I would lie to my mom about homework just to play my Xbox.

And that continued to feed my obsession more.

I just sat there pissed about this whole shitty situation I was in, and I couldn’t believe this. The ride home was the most I have ever felt tension in a while and as we got closer and closer to home I could hear a ticking bomb that would be my mom about to yell at me about something else. And so I just looked out the window and hoped she didn’t even though I know she will.

As we pulled into the parking lot, I was getting ready to get out of the car and head inside until I heard my mom plainly say “No you’re not heading inside we’re waiting for your father to get here!”

I didn’t want to deal with her shit anymore, so I just sat back and waited for him to show up, and after a couple of the most awkward minutes of my life went by, he finally shows up. We then get out of the car, and walked up to his blue Nissan truck he’s had since the 70s.

“So what’s the problem Justin?” he said coldly staring me down as was my mom.

“I don’t know…” I said quietly trying to find something to look at, so I didn’t have to look at either of them.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” he said again coldly “We’re going to take away that damn game till you get your act straight.”

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‘DIVISION FROM TURMOIL’ CONTINUED >

I just stood there and took it, hoping that I could get this shitty situation over and done with. And thankfully it was over fairly quickly since my dad said he had to leave early to get back to work. I won’t lie when I was finally able to head to my room. I was pretty fucking pissed. But the experience was good for me in the long run since I did have at the time an addiction to video games, and that could have been caused by me wanting to escape. It’s backed up by the fact that my want to continue to escape reality from the move from Farmington to Gallup and all the problems that caused for my family and I. But also the amount that I played too much was a factor into how I became addicted to video games. And so I just became too dependent on it to care about the outside world aside from video games.

Since then, I was able to get my grades up and have had only passing grades since.

Later on in the year, I finally got my Xbox back with decent grades, which were a lot better than they were before. I would still play games over eight hours on the weekends, but on the weekdays I only played after I got my homework done with first. Also the fact that at the time there were really no games that I wanted to play at the time.

After we were done at Blockbuster, my dad and I decided to head back to his moms house, since he was currently having problems with his mistress. But I didn’t really mind, since I felt weird spending the weekend with the women my dad cheated on my mom with. And as we were getting set up for the night at my grandmother’s house, my dad asked if I wanted to watch the movie he picked.

I said no. As I was getting my PlayStation 2 ready to play the game that I picked. My dad asked me a question that caught me off guard, “When did you start to like visiting me all of sudden?

“I don’t know, I guess I just got used to it” I said standoffish hoping it would kill this conversation.

“Yeah I remember you always screaming and crying whenever I picked you up from your mom” he said calmly as he was taking off his shoes. I was shocked again by what he said that I wasn’t as emotional about going on these visits as I was before, but the thing was that I didn’t

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really know why that was.

“Yeah, I guess I don’t mind coming here as much” I really didn’t know how to respond to what he just said because I didn’t know why. Was it because of the game, or maybe I just started to gain a bond with my dad. That could be because he got me a PlayStation.

“Well I’m glad, because I didn’t like hearing you crying and screaming, and I want you to know that I love you” my dad said quietly. And I just sat there looking at him with an expression I don’t know how to describe, and I didn’t know how to react at all.

“Well I got to help your grandmother with dinner, so enjoy your game” he said walking out of our room closing the door behind him, and heading to the kitchen. I don’t know what I’m feeling because of what he did to my mom, but I was happy at the same time because it was the first time I heard him say it to me in private.

After a couple of seconds, I composed myself and started playing the game. As I was playing, these feelings of hate and annoyance washed away. I was finally able to play after waiting all day to. But deep within I’m happy to have to have heard those words from my dad.

WRITER’S BLOCK

ALIZAY CHAVEZ

I look around this hollow abyss, trying to Figure out

I have nothing without my words. Without these

what to say.

words, I no longer exist.

Writer’s block hits me like a train,

I become just a person,

I fall deeper into the unknown.

That isn’t who I am meant to be.

I scream in exasperation,

There is more to me than what meets the Eye.

Why can’t I get my thoughts to roll off my Tongue

My voice is my Power.

effortlessly?

Power is what makes me, me!

I am trying my best, but this isn’t working.

My words no longer come out my throat like Before.

Oh, writer’s block, why do you do this to Me?

These hands no longer glide across this page with

Just as I thought I got rid of you, you’ve Come back

ease.

to haunt my every breath.

My dreams, so jumbled.

Everything I write isn’t what I stand for.

I just want to be okay again.

I just want to write like I used to.

I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I stared at

Writer’s block stole my creativity a few Months ago,

this blank page,

never to be seen again.

I feel my ability at an all time low.

My world crashes from beneath me.

The words are no longer there.

My pen becomes a weapon and it’s attacking Me.

Nothing... Pure nothing, Strikes the page like a bullet.

The ink splatters across the page. I ponder...

What does it say?

The chaotic mess leaves me speechless.

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WAVES 2019

JUSTIN HOUSE

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SKETCH 2019

GABRIELLA FLISRAM

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A PART OF ME OIARRA C. LALIO

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I remember looking into your eyes, so full of joy to finally have you in my arms. In that moment, I felt it. I felt it come out of me in a place stored away deep within my heart. I haven’t spoken Zuni in years, but in that exact moment, looking at you it came out from deep within.

“Hi, Akstiki1” my voice cracking a bit, almost as if I was scared to speak Zuni.

They say that once you have a child, a newborn is a part of the K'yabinaho'i until he grows and his soft spot on his skull becomes full cartilage. Your baby knows things already coming into the world from our ancestors, is why they say that an infant knows and understands Zuni once he is born. With that being taught in our culture you would greet a Zuni baby with our Zuni language, the way you would greet an elder.

As I was holding you, I felt myself crying. It was all so emotional. Nothing else mattered in that moment, all I knew was that I was going to do it for you. You’re the reason for my being now. It was up to me to show you the ways of life, the ways of our culture, our heritage, what it meant to be Zuni.

It was all so scary though, knowing I haven’t spoken my language in years or embraced my culture like I should have been doing. I knew that you were going to be my little Zuni boy.

I was going to make sure you will know our culture and our language. It was my time to show you that I know these things as well. It would only be right for me to be the one to teach you our culture.

I had a million things running through my mind after you were born and being able to finally hold you and feel your skin on mine.

“Hi ak’tsi’ki” I repeated. “Kesh do e’kya?” I say softly, to you.

You open your eyes to look at me, and that was your answer, you were saying yes. I couldn’t help but feel like my mother who had passed was right there along our side, sharing this moment with us. She after all is now a part of the kyabinaho’i. This connection that I felt with you, my son, was something I have never experienced in my life before. It was enough for me to change all my old ways of life, even before you were born.

Looking back in time, I remember saying “I will never have kids” only because I was too busy with the life I was living

then which consisted of the selfish ways of living, drinking, and doing as I pleased without a worry in the world. In that part of my life, I didn’t worry about my cultural ways. I never spoke my language and I never had any intentions to. I was culturally disconnected during this time and I felt all my beliefs fade. I sometimes questioned myself about traditional practices which I now regret. I cannot help but think of a time when I really let down my father and the things that he did to pray for us, his family.

“Dosh da ak’shi deshkwi’kyanna?” My dad asked with a concerned look on his face almost like he was ready to be disappointed.

“No” I replied, calmly.

He asked in an angry tone “Kop’ladi?”

“I have work and I need to spend money for gas, I just don’t think it will work out this year” I replied feeling annoyed, knowing I was in for a lecture from him.

“Your boss is a Zuni! She should understand and know what is going on, I don’t see why you just don’t talk to her about it!” I could feel the disappointment and anger in his voice.

“I already tried,” I said walking away knowing I was lying.

I am very disappointed in myself for letting that happen. Culture is our identity. Why did I choose not to believe anything about who I was? I think about it too often, and it comes back to haunt me, knowing I did wrong by my father and his prayers to keep us all safe and healthy. I really had my life mixed up at this time and I can’t help but feel sorry for who I was a few years ago. But I am lucky and glad that all that has changed.

That life is not one that I would never want my son to see. I want him to be proud of his mother, to be able to tell his friends “That’s my mom!” with so much excitement and joy.

I mean when they’re teenagers I know that will eventually fade but I’m sure you get my point. I want my son to be able to be proud of where he comes from. Be proud of his people and what we pray and fast for as Zuni people. I wish that my son never loses touch with his culture like I did.

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‘A PART OF ME’ CONTINUED >

I truly believe that it is the way that I was brought up that plays a part in my cultural disconnection. I remember growing up in a village full of people who would be a part of all the traditional ceremonies in our village, except for my family; my mother, stepfather, and me. We were only part of the major ceremonies like Shalako, which was the big day where our ancestors would come back and spend the day and night with us. Shalako is also known to us as the Zuni New Year, because it is when we send our kachinas back home to the Zuni heavens. It is the day that Zunis wait for, to be able spend time with our ancestors. Our ancestors who come to visit us on this day before we send all the kachinas back home with them.

Other than that day I remember begging my mother when I was eight years old to stay home in Zuni to go watch traditional dances with my grandma.

“Can I please go to hot’da’s I wanna go dema’ya!”

I cried.

“No, she’s busy. Everyone is there. No one is going to watch you,” my mom said referring to my cousins visiting from the city.

“Well I wanna go over. Can we go visit them?

Please!” I begged my mother who refused to pay me any mind.

“Please Mom!” I begged hoping to get an answer.

That was the way our conversations always ended. It seemed as if she would just tune me out until I stopped asking her. I hardly got a chance to see our traditional dances even though we lived in the middle village where all the ceremonies happened. Looking back on it now I never could imagine how I knew nothing when it was happening right outside. I was never really tied to my traditions like I would expect coming from a traditional family.

My father and my mother had different goals for me in life. The exact opposite of what I or anyone else would expect. They wanted me to “See the world, make something of myself” but thinking about it now, that is a ridiculous phrase. Why would I want to do that? I come from a family rich with traditions, and they wanted to push me away and forget Zuni.

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I remember my father telling me after I took part in traditional obligations. I now must commit myself to these annual duties four days before Shalako where we would put cornmeal, to bring out the kachina for the ceremony. This obligation is a huge thing for our people and not everyone in Zuni does it, only a few people who are selected to do this can take part.

Well my mother was a part of this ceremony before I chose to take part. She was chosen by her Wowo to take part. Although sometimes she made it seem like a burden, it was something that she couldn’t stop taking part in. She decided to ask me if I wanted to go because I was basically inherited into this ceremony I could choose if I wanted to take part. At this moment I felt excited. I was always held back from things that I wanted to see or be a part of and once I chose to take part in the ceremony my father was furious! “I never wanted you to be tied to home!” he reminds me every now and again, to this day!

Being a mother now, I would never want my son to NOT be a part of these traditional ceremonies. Although speaking on another note, I want him to be able to make his own decisions about these obligations when he is old enough to make his own choices. I do not want to be the one to decide whether he would want to be apart of these big obligations that I chose to take on myself just because I do it.

I want my son to grow up differently than I did. I never want to withhold his culture from him just because I want him to see the world. I would rather want him to understand that here in Zuni our culture, our traditions are one of a kind. He should embrace this side of him. I want him to be able to learn from his elders and our people what it is like to truly believe in our blessing and our prayers.

I want him to hear my story and say “I would never do that! Kwa ho’ lesna deyak’naman e’ha. That would really make proud as a mother to be able to hear my son say that he doesn’t want to be like me. Those choices that I made were bad. I really gave up on my culture and he helped me find myself again. That is truly a blessing in disguise. Who would have known I would speak Zuni again?

Who would have known that I would be the one teaching my son these things that I would have never talked about if

I never had a child of my own? This cultural disconnection has really made me realize a lot of things when I had my son.

I truly mean it when I say that I believe that my son is a blessing from my mother. She helped my me find myself again, my identity, my culture. She helped me by giving me my son, a little boy who holds many keys to many doors. A boy in our culture holds many traditional obligations. Obligations that only a man can be taught.

Zuni males can see and be a part of a culture that women cannot, and that is why I am blessed. My son will learn things that even I do not know. I know that my father, being the traditional man that he is, will teach my son these things that he could not teach me. I couldn’t be more grateful to see that he, like me, is rich with cultural traditions.

The only difference between me and my son is that I didn’t realize the traditional value that my culture holds until later in life. I want to make sure that he learns that while he is still young and make certain that he never forgets that.

REMEMBERING DAYS WITH GRANDMA JERMAINE NELSON

Grandma loves her grandchildren no matter how old

Her cooking is unmatched by any other family

they are

member

The love has grown on her grandchildren When visit-

Her smile brings happiness to a room Her laugh will

ing Grandma, she has hot coffee and sweet pumpkin

make you smile

pie ready to eat

Her love is unconditional

Talking about her day while she weaves a Navajo basket

The sun begins to set, the sheep are bedded in the

Together we watch the sheep eat the sagebrush as

corral, the chores are finished

she sings a traditional song

It is time for the grandchildren to head back home to finish their education

Her love strengthens us when our self-confidence

As we say our goodbyes Grandma’s tears are setting

lowers

in, with an unsteady voice she says, “I love you all so

Her wisdom guides us to living a full filling life

much, I’ll always be here”

Her knowledge encourages her grandchildren to be

From the oldest grandchild, I say “I love you too

excited about life

grandma. Please don’t cry, I’ll see you in a couple of days”

Grandma tells us she misses us every second, minute, and hour of the day As her tears run down her wrinkled face, we tell each other “I love you” Wiping the tears away, I give a big warm hug letting her know I’ll always be there As the sun hits at its highest, we walk home for lunch wanting tortillas with peanut butter During lunch, Grandma teaches us our Navajo language along with traditional songs

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Naad33'

ARETHA MATT

A summer morning

In the kitchen, women gather

welcomes warmth

and sometimes a mellow wind through the

of naad33' , the corn,

opened doors

in white flour sacks

of eastward facing homes.

and empty coffee cans.

yellow tidbits

The early sun

The women

casts long shadows westward

follow the deafening sound

behind the aged hogans,

and billowing smoke

of the tractor engine

behind decaying houses,

hand built from dirt and ancient timber;

to a large open field

prepared for produce.

finished with rotting wood and sawdust;

and behind collapsing trailers,

manufactured with fiberglass and foam.

lightly blankets their faces

as they drop four kernels

The clatter of a worn tractor engine

into the ground

breaks the early silence

with every four steps

and bursts of rusted smoke fill the crisp air.

and sing silently

to themselves.

The aged man checks the beaten gauges

to see if they are working

and then attaches heavy, earth-searing

blades

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The sacred dust

to the red, rattling creature.

MICRON 2019

GABRIELLA FLISRAM

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COURAGE GARRIDYN HENDERSON

If this old shade house could talk

As she built up enough courage to look

I’ve been in your family

She quickly gasped,

Since before the Long Walk.

For she could not believe,

Your great-great grandmother hid

What she’d just seen.

Like a horned toad

A warrior she once knew

Beneath them rocks.

Hopped off his horse

She climbed the highest Pine

And walked our way.

Where she’d seen the nest

From that day on

Of the Red Tailed Hawk.

They rekindled their fire.

I’ve heard her recall

That was the start of how, you

Many times of how

Are able to sit around MY fire

The men in blue would say, “Get them savages, Don’t let them get away!”

The hopeless children were crying, The brittle elders were yelling, Oh how did they lead the warriors astray?

Left alone, the women had to fight.

Somehow she managed to slip away Into the night.

Her fear led her back here This is where she grew up.

The green rocks on the hill Is where she laid.

No one swept back around Only Silence and Darkness Oh, and Hunger for Days.

Four years passed Since her happiness got stripped away.

We heard the neighing of a horse

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She hid behind this post

It would probably say

BLESSED

RAELYN HERBERT

Morning breeze brushes against the flesh,

flushed, full of joy, full of love,

What is this day to bring?

The movement inside, so precious, so frail. The making of a miracle, blessed.

Anticipation of holding, smelling, caring,

feeding, soothing, the excitement!

What is this day to bring?

The small phalanges, embracing my index finger

Little hands, what are they to do?

What are they to become? Oh, the anticipation. Fear, responsibility, teaching, money, shelter, and blah blah blah…I shall not fold.

Wisdom, caring, and lots of love, blessed.

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THE CEREMONY ALMANDA BROOKS

There are always people who claim to be something they

what others see from the outside. You are a beautiful, smart,

are not. As a child, I believed in everything good in life. Even

intelligent woman. You know so much, but you don’t give

thought at one point I had seen the Holy People we pray to

yourself enough credit. They see you as better than them. That’s

during a ceremony. I’ve been to many ceremonies and felt them

why they want you gone!” She does have a point. I don’t see

bland and fake. I suppose I was expecting the whole “witch doc-

myself as that. To me, I am nobody. I don’t have anything… It’s

tor” thing to help us. You feel this sense of aura from people and

as though she can read my mind, “You know, for a smart person,

immediately you can feel the disturbance within their character.

you can be pretty stupid. Why can’t you stop, think, and be

Finding someone pure in soul is quite impossible. There are so

grateful for everything in front of you? You’re not the only one

many scams going around and people taking advantage of

who is struggling with anxiety and depression.”

people who only want to be helped. For a while, I gave up on it

because I have a difficult time trusting and believing in people.

er. If it weren’t for her guidance, I’d be lost. She tells me of this

medicine man out in Ganado, Arizonal area who has Tin7l44h.

I have been dormant with religion and tradition for

My sister has always been my number one support-

the longest time because of all the disappointments I had

For the sanctity of his practice I will not give his name nor his

endured. Apparently, I believed that God and the Holy People

location. I believe that Diyin Dine'4 always finds a way to bring

we pray to are supposed to take care of us and make us happy.

me back into this religion when I am lost.

Why wasn’t I happy? Why did we need these ceremonies to be

cured of life’s ailments? Aren’t we the cause for who we are as

feeling pretty skeptical, and my mom can see it too. She is a

people? All these questions had made me lose faith immensely.

wise woman who believes heavily in this. She would always tell

me, “This is the way to go. You are Navajo. How else are you

One day, my sister sat me down and told me about

I go out to Ganado the next day to see this guy. I am

everything that I had been feeling. She suggested I start praying

supposed to get better? You may be half white, but the blood of

again and paying the medicine men and women a visit. “You got

my ancestors is within you too,” she says.

to remember there is also a devil, and he is good at stealing

.

people’s faith in our Diyin Dine'4 ,” she said. “The skinwalkers are

out to get you woman.” We refer to our Holy People as “Diyiin Diné.” It is a sacred word to us as Navajos for our stories of our existence are based on these deities.

“I don’t know who to turn to. I just feel like all these

medicine people can’t help.’ ‘It’s as though the power we believed in has left us.” I said. “Why do skinwalkers have beef with me? I have done nothing to them but breathe haha.” I joked.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 29

She immediately gets defensive, “You should look at

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE >

‘THE CEREMONY’ CONTINUED >

As the medicine man begins to pray and wake

many of them cross my path but did not give them a second

and the loss of both my aunts. I’m sure things would have

thought. Now I know.

been dealt with differently if I had not gotten the help from

these ceremonies and practices.

That day I go home feeling “different.” It is

up his Tininlet, he looks at me and tells me in Navajo, “you

difficult to explain the sensations of relief. It was as though

need to get H0ch='7j7 .” I recall the death of my uncle; the

the see-through blanket that I have been living in has been

belief that our Holy People are watching over me. They are

Indian Health Hospital had admitted him a few days prior for

lifted, and I can see for the first time clearly. I can breathe

keeping me on the best path they see fit. My husband has

stomach pain. He was an alcoholic. I walk into his room as he

finally. I notice a change in my manner immediately and can

come back to me and has changed his ways for the sake

is lying there motionless and still. He looks pale and bluish

see the positivity in life. That feeling of hopelessness and

of our relationship and for our daughter. For that, I am

both at the same time. I call out his name but he doesn’t

trauma is gone! How can this be? Have I finally found the

grateful. I am still seeking the career into which I can settle

answer. His eyes are closed. He looks so peaceful and deep

real deal?

while achieving my goal of getting my needed degree(s) in

in sleep. I’m walking up to his bedside to give him a hug but

notice he is not moving. I grab his hand and it is cold and

change within me. I thought this was supposed to take

stiff. I’m trembling as I touch his neck to see if he still had

time to go away. Hell, I’ll take this! She asks me about the

a pulse, he didn’t. I put my hand over his mouth and there

ceremony and what my plans are from here on out. I told

was no breath. I walked out of the hospital room pale and in

her that I understand (I have found my way back). She knew

shock. My aunt and mother are in the waiting room ready to

what I meant because I had been ignoring her for so long.

tell me the news that I know. My mother was so upset with

She nods her head and goes back to her artwork where she

me, but how was I to know that he had passed? He died of

is painting a dragon.

cirrhosis earlier that day.

going on in this life that we do not understand. Not every-

He begins to pray again and “listen.” He’s nodding

My sister greets me and she too can see the

It is easy to get lost in this world. There is so much

his head in agreement as if someone were talking to him.

thing can be explained and that is okay. That is faith. The

His hands are trembling so fast as if it were possessed. The

belief in the presence we cannot see with our eyes, gives us

medicine man is pointing at the dirt and out the door with

hope. I pray more and give thanks to the guidance I receive

his eyes closed. This is weird. Who is he talking to? At this

in life. Look toward the people who are willing to teach and

point, I begin to feel different…like a sense of weight has

talk to you. They can be God’s way of communicating with

been lifted off me. They say that once you find the cause of

you when you are seeking him out. Thinking in this manner

your troubles, the pain will not affect you as much anymore.

has helped me immensely. The beliefs that I have regained

I feel hope now that I know. Everything that I thought was a

has convinced me that the Holy People have a plan for me.

lie has turned around to spite me.

That plan has redirected me to go back to school.

I complete the ceremony, and he sends me off on

Although this year has not been great, I am better

my way. He tells me that I need to be humble and holy these

than I ever was thanks to my beliefs. I have experienced

next few days. No shower, no feeding the dogs because they

getting fired for the first time from a job I thought I loved,

represent coyote. Which is understandable. I have seen so

catching my husband cheating on me with a younger girl,

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 30

college.

As of today, I am content and keep the utmost

DREAM CATCHER 2019

KASSANDRA ASKAN

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 31

THE LONELY TREE AND I

DASHANTI BEGAY

There’s a time in our lives that we question ourselves

reality” or “Is this even real?” Sometimes we can’t help ourselves

maybe make more memories with them that I could actually

to ask such questions, especially when it comes to days that

remember. I would give anything to hear Cameron’s laugh, see

feel dark and gloomy. It’s just the way our minds work, I believe.

his smile once more, hear him tell the cheesiest jokes and him

To keep us in check that this is reality and that everything that

complaining about every single thing that bothers him. To also

surrounds us is still real.

see Kyle’s confused face every time he was lost in conversation,

to see his overthinking look, to see him look and collect rocks,

Everyday I look out my bedroom window and see the

There are days that I wish I could see them again and

dead tree that has always been sitting there for god knows how

and just to hear him say the word “three trees” because he can’t

long. I stare at that tree for about five minutes of each day and

seem to pronounce it correct. Those are things that I wish I

am always reminded of the two people that use to be in my life,

could hear and see from them once more. But I know that’s not

that I’ve loved and cared for. The tree used to have bright green

possible, and I’ve made peace with it, but it doesn’t mean that

leaves that cancelled out the lonely branches that have now

I’ve got to like it.

stuck out from the ground, leaving it there to be nothing but a

sitting spot for birds that just happen to be passing through the

this is real, or if this is actually reality. Then I reassure myself

lonely neighborhood that I’ve spent half my life living at.

that it’s not, but it’s simply my own nightmare, that I have to live

Though I never thought much of the tree while growing up, until

in every single day of my life, just like a genjutsu that is casted

the day I’ve lost all hope and day I lost the two most important

upon someone to see a fake reality or just a nightmare.

people of my life. The day I lost them, the day the leaves on the

tree began to fall, leaving it naked and exposed to the dangers

tree. That’s probably the reason why I get up every day and

of the outside world.

stare at it because of how lonely we both look. The tree stands

their lonely without its leaves to comfort it, while I stand here

The two people that I mentioned I lost were people

Ever since they’ve left, I find myself asking if any of

Every day I look out my window to look at the lonely

that I always thought would be in my life forever. But forever

lonely without the two people I cherished most in this world.

turned into a short amount of time. Now, I’m only left with

We’re a lot alike than I thought we were. Maybe one day we can

the memories that they trusted me with. Sad thing is, I hardly

get back the things that don’t make us look lonely anymore. It

remember any of them now. It’s like I’ve just forgotten about all

can get back it’s leaves and I can get back my happiness. Well,

the laughs, cries, and happy memories that we shared with each

at least I hope we do.

other. To me that didn’t seem fair to them that my mind just went completely blank once they were gone. They were my happy place, my to-go people, and I couldn’t manage to remember most of the memories that they gave me. Almost like the tree

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 32

that is now left with nothing else.

about life, such as asking ourselves “Am I really here?” “Is this

DAILY ROUTINE DISRUPTED ROSE ADAKAI

The virus that had taken the life of so many has sur-

infected with the virus that they recover fast and for the virus

faced in New Mexico. It is now the evening of March 11, 2020. I

not to spread beyond their area.

come home from work exhausted, but I still managed to do my

work out before starting dinner. I know If I wait until after dinner

helping customers. I can see the worried expression on their

most likely I would make an excuse so that I could avoid doing

faces and hear some of them talking about their concerns about

my work out routine. So, I make it a point to them right away.

coronavirus. I am thinking should I tell them not to worry, but

After preparing my full course meal, after a long day of working

then again, who am I to say not to worry about it cause the

and then working out, who has the energy for that? I do not

virus is dangerous. So, I told myself if they should ask then I will

have the time to make such a meal for myself or my family, may-

let them know to stay calm until they get home to their family

be if I had a personal chef, smiling as I am saying that cause that

where they will feel safe. Because at this time I had not received

is something I could not afford. But I could dream about it and

any direction from my own supervisor as how we should handle

that is ok. So, just a simple meal will suffice my family and me.

this situation like this. I did not want to cause anyone to panic or

Later that night I had turned on the news, something I do every

have an anxiety attack due to giving the wrong information to

night before I go to bed. It is part of my daily routine, so that I

our customers. Just as any workplace there are always proper

can catch up on what is going on in New Mexico. My worries

guidelines to follow.

of the virus making its way to the state has become a reality.

Before the virus surfaced in Gallup, New Mexico, I was thinking

from the main office. After reading it, I was puzzled about some

and hoping that it would not affect the people of New Mexico,

parts of the letter “implementing limited operations.” But what

let alone my hometown.

did they mean for my department, limited operations? I was get-

ting worried because I still had not received any communication

The news anchor announced that coronavirus had

It is March 16, 2020, I am working at the front desk

Then I received an email that was sent to everyone,

surfaced in New Mexico with four positive cases in New Mexico.

from my supervisor as what this means for our department. But

I was shocked and upset when I first heard about it on the news.

I knew in any type of chaotic situation, you want to remain calm

You will probably think, why is she upset about it cause the virus

and not cause anyone or yourself to panic. I did not want my

kills and it may kill the ones that have been infected with the

staff or customers to know I was worried, so I just always smiled

virus. Yes, I have empathy for them, but my first thought and

and assured them things will be ok once we got more informa-

concern are the safety of my immediate family, and my elderly

tion from our higher echelon personnel. But based off what I’ve

mom. My initial thought when I first heard about the 4 positive

hearing in the news, when someone had mentioned that they

cases was, how can these people be so selfish and just go about

were worried I told them not to touch their face at this time and

with their travel when there is a virus out there that is unknown

to wash hands often.

to man and no cure available yet. Of course, after trying to rationalize the what ifs and nots about the news, I realized that I cannot change anything that has already happened. So, instead I prayed for healing and good health for the people who were

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 33

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‘DAILY ROUTINE DISRUPTED’ CONTINUED >

supervisor again. This is when I felt that my daily routine has

been disrupted by a virus. It is 3 p.m. and the IT department

office. I have never worked remote; I was used to working

delivered my laptop with all the software I needed to work

on a set schedule with a daily routine. But now I was trying

our hand sanitizers in one day of hearing about the virus in

remote from home, they are the best for coming through for

to balance work, home, staying active, working on my online

New Mexico. It was a product that was not the best seller

me at this crazy time.

spring course, and keeping my immediate family safe—all of

in our store, but within a day it was heavily demanded. The

this was getting overwhelming.

next morning, we had received an abundance of emails

people were telling me before the campus doors were

regarding our health concerns for our staff and community.

locked, that people were panic buying at most of the stores

moved my so-called work area from the dining area, to

The email was filled with so much information and guide-

in Gallup. So, of course I was so worried, thinking there

my bedroom and then to living room. I was not finding a

lines as what needed to be implemented in a short amount

would be a shortage of essential groceries left on the store

comfortable area to work. I have a computer room, but I

of time.

shelves when I got there. I arrived at Albertson’s sometime

had set up only for my personal use and for my schoolwork.

after 4 p.m. First thing that came to mind as I drove into the

I was trying so hard to keep everything separated, keep-

staff out of the store by 1 p.m. I was overwhelmed with so

parking lot was WHOA the parking lot is full. It was full like

ing work related area separated from my personal school

much to do in a short amount of time and because we had

the day before Thanksgiving. I walked into the store, the first

related area. But one day in April, I woke up and said to

no idea when we were going to reopening the store. We had

thing I see is the checkout lines were long and customers

myself enough of this unbalanced living, I need reorganize

to make sure that perishable foods were stored correctly,

with cart full of groceries. No matter what aisle you walked

the computer room into one room for work, personal, and

that our point of sales systems were closed correctly, then

down, it was busy with hysterical people with carts full of

school work. So, I took everything out of the room and

to top off my computer crashed. I was livid at my computer,

groceries and essential needs. A thought came to mind that

repainted the walls and reorganized the furniture.

asking why now, because I had so much to do before I was

it seemed to be like one of those doomsday movies. It was

to leave work. I had to remain calm and put in a rush request

little scary, seeing people filling up their grocery carts with

of the room is so much more welcoming for me to work and

for a replacement for my computer. But still I was getting

everything that needed and seeing how the store shelves

not feel too stressed out. It is much better now in my office

anxious. How was I going to perform my duties, working

were looking empty. I bought what I needed and told myself

because I have organized it so my personal computer set

from home. Not because I had no internet, because I had

no need to hoard food, save some for the next shopper.

up separately from my work computer. Even though It is in

internet at home. But I did not have the store inventory

We live in a country that merchandise and food can be

the same room, I put in an extra chair/desk so that I must

control system software my personal computer, I was happy

restocked in a timely manner.

switch desk and not having to sit at the same chair and desk

our IT department had told me all the information and

area all day. The important thing is that I feel more balanced

software I needed would be transferred to a laptop. So that I

my Facebook feed, that the National Guard had been de-

now. I called my sister not long after and told her about my

could work remote from home. As, I waited for the laptop, I

ployed to Gallup. I was thinking this is crazy, the virus has lit-

one positive experience of remote working, the only traffic I

watched everyone being guided out the doors like a herd of

erally shut down my hometown. As of this month, I refuse to

watch out for is the one in my living room. Making sure not

cattle being guided out to the pasture of the day. When the

shop at most stores in Gallup, except for the grocery store.

to step on our fluffy dog who is always sleeping in the living

last person is out of the building, I see them locking up the

Stores that I have refused to shop at since February here

room and my cat as I walk from one side of my home to oth-

front doors for the day, which turned out to days. It felt kind

in Gallup are Walmart, Home Depot, or the mall because of

er side, to get to my remote working area.

of strange, as I was standing there alone in store with doors

what I hear on the news about the virus. Now I am afraid to

locked and thinking to myself when will see my staff or my

walk into any of them due to the virus.

I was surprised how quickly we had sold out of

I had to shut down the store by noon and my

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 34

I could not wait to leave work because some

It is April 2020, when I heard on the news and on

I thought by now I would be back working in my

Within the first month of working remote, I had

Now it is my office/computer room. The ambiance

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‘DAILY ROUTINE DISRUPTED’ CONTINUED >

work and the community. I am still working remote; things

cery shopping in Albuquerque. I still will not shop at our

can get a little sticky working from home. Since I do not

local Walmart; it has been since February that I had stepped

increasing. So, I was shocked when I heard that all residents

have access to all my files at work. But one thing it has

foot in that store. Shopping in Albuquerque with my friends,

of Gallup were ordered to stay home and go out only for es-

taught me is going green. I used to print out a few things,

takes off all the pressure of feeling the anxiety of going into

sential needs. No resident of Gallup was allowed into town.

now I am setting up files. I thought I was going to be back

store alone. We just get what we need and get out the store

I was thinking, what is this, Martial Law, they have the Na-

in the office by the early part of this month, but nothing has

right away.

tional Guard at several main roads that lead into Gallup and

changed since March.

even the grocery stores they were standing guard as you

remote from home. My life has been disrupted from a year

walked into the store. Having a National Guard at entrance

Nothing has been the same, instead I am filled with ques-

ago, when I was able to go in and out of store without

of grocery store kind of leaves you with a strange feeling of,

tions for my supervisor. I had a break down at one-point

having to worry about wearing a face mask, carrying a hand

I cannot believe this is happening in my lifetime.

because I was overwhelmed with work, I am the only one

sanitizer, keeping handwipes and extra gloves in the vehicle,

working remote in my department, my staff is on a different

to use at the gas pumps. What is going back to normal

our town and Governor, I felt like I was being quarantine to

tier, they are on an on-call status for work.

anymore, everything still feels very uncertain.

my home, even though I showed no symptoms of corona-

virus. But I was following all the guidelines, to stay safe for

positive and able to attack my task. If you ever read or seen

partment store had closed, I was surprised since it was one

myself and my family during this difficult time. Having the

the movie Mary Poppins, you would understand why I felt so

of the anchor stores in our local mall. This was where I first

US military present in our town made me more anxious and

overwhelmed and stressed out. I felt overwhelmed because

got my job when I was in high school. It was the first time, I

worried. I understand they were here because the positive

I felt like Bert the one-man band, Bert was having fun but

met one of my staff members. I had not seen him for many

cases have been increasing drastically, it was getting scarier

since my routines have been disrupted, I was not having fun.

years until I was offered my current position.

just to go shopping for groceries or just to do a load of laun-

I must make sure the store is prepared for inventory, ordered

dry at the laundromat.

some new device for inventory was simple but having it set

before he had retired. But then I heard that he had died the

was a stressful moment, arranging curb side order pickup

last week of October he will be missed. This virus has really

that was based off a true event called The Hot Zone, I would

for our customers (something new so I had to figure out

disrupted not only my routines but of many, I had gotten

wear my mask, nitrile gloves and carry my sanitizer every

what was going to work best for my staff and our custom-

used to my regular routines from day to day, but I am happy

time I left home to run some errands. By this time, I was

ers), and having to prepare for the upcoming semester has

that I am able figure out and adjust to making new routines.

doing some extra cleaning at home making sure that I did

its challenges too.

Wearing face mask, working remote is not going to be for-

not bring home the virus when I had gone out to restock our

ever, before I know I will be back working in my office and

groceries. The only cleaning solution, I come across each

the towel, just because it may stress. and overwhelmed me

time I had gone to the store is Pinesol all-purpose cleaner or

at times, but I still enjoy doing my job because there are so

Clorox. I consider these as heavy-duty cleaning solutions, so

much more positive things that happen that it keeps me

I had to water them down. At least by the end of each day I

balanced.

clean I felt like I had disinfected my home.

It is now May 2020; The COVID-19 numbers are

With all the guidelines being implemented by

I felt like this was something similar to a movie

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 35

It is June 2020, still nothing has changed with

March is when my daily routine was disrupted.

I found a positive affirmation that keeps me

But I am one that will not give up and throw in

July is coming up, getting my shopping list ready

for my upcoming trip to Albuquerque. I do all my non-gro-

Jumping to December 2020, I am still working

Today, on my Facebook feed I seen that Bealls de-

I had the opportunity to work with him for 9 years

having conversation with colleagues, soon again.

CALL AND RESPONSE, GALLUP 2020

ANDREW MCFEATERS

I

The day unmasked,

He idled in snowfall,

he idles in snowfall,

under the thornless locust,

Gnarled hands

hands at ten and two,

until he discovered the medal

of a thornless locust

white-knuckled,

in his breast pocket.

his dry-creek eyes

III

tremble leafless into bluing, rooted

so strange in the mirror to a story

replaying the last words

under a gravel park

of an elder:

buckling beneath the girth of the BNSF.

Behind USA RV flakes accumulate

We met in a Hooverville

like cold, white songs

during the Dust Bowl.

over desert brush,

Fifth-wheels shoulder

I wear his Purple Heart.

gelid wind, snow-capped

He sings in the wind.

headstones ready for engraving;

but the trail connecting

In Diné she said goodbye

to Western Skies

but all names erode

over Facetime

is still visible:

faster than the blink of an eye, under

to a family of nine

the gaze of Church Rock:

quarantined on the rez.

Route 66,

She wheezed like the canyon,

still as a daylit moon,

Fire Rock Casino, Marathon Petroleum--

her eyes a glimmering

waits for spring

dinosaurs adrift.

Boulder turquoise

beyond the rise, a small brown horse,

reaching through pixels II

greens in Gallup, to a girl swaddling a doll

reaching into the bluing,

Just back from Fort Defiance,

with hair like a river woven

renewing stories.

a first responder

from stories

eases an F-350

looking for answers.

beside a Montana.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 36

when the thornless locust

EVENINGS 2020

LAUNORA YAZZIE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 37

NEW MOUNTAINS COBIN WILLIE

Know that pain is a part of life. Know it is here for your

you can do it and yes, it is hard. But your impossible

growth. Be the direct pressure that is applied to the

means “I’m possible.” Remember hard work is a disguise

wound and keep chasing your dreams.

for opportunity. You command your commitment, use fear as fuel, and if you must run against the wind, then do it!

To my daughters, I love you more than anything in this

People that give up, stop trying, and complain have a flat

world. You are my inspiration that defines my hard work

world in their hearts. Not you: You look up at those stars

and loyalty. Without you, sunlight is a waste. One day you

and make your own constellations. Find your north star,

will be adults living on your own and there may be days

and cease it. Make your own path! When you fail, when

where I will not be there to tend to your tears. It is a great

you fall, which you will and remember the light. If you

fear as a father to even imagine what you will go through

cannot see the light, then be the light and try again!

in this life, the mistakes you will make, the hurt you will endure, the times where I cannot help you when you need

Always remember breathing is as important as your

it most. Especially if you are not happy with who you are.

dreams. So, do not waste another sunrise on being

My daughters please know that even flowers need the

someone you are not. Knowing who you are not, is just as

dark clouds and strong winds to bring the rain and grow.

important as knowing who you are. But speaking of who you are then you will stay as you are but speaking of who

This world can be cruel in the most unimaginable ways,

you will become, and you will become. Too much focus on

it will eat you alive if you let it. Do not be afraid! Do not

your back up plan will distract you from your main plan!

be afraid to fail, failing means you are trying. Learn from

Risk everything for your dreams without fear, without

it and try again and you try again, and you try again. As

regret, and without self-doubt.

painful and impossible it may seem, keep going forward.

Crawl if you must. Just never stop moving forward. No

As your father, I need to know above all else that you are

matter what, you hold onto your dreams, your talents,

happy. That you are happy with yourself, happy with your

your gifts, and never lose sight of them. You give them

dreams, happy with the people around you, and happy

life; your actions are the beats of their hearts. Be the

without doubt. That you did everything you could to ac-

queen on the chessboard, then the world. Do not wait for

complish your dreams. When you’re there on top of your

change, be the change.

mountain looking around smiling, tending to your wounds, taking a breath, and notice a new north star. You

You will meet people that will not accept you and not understand you. They will tell you that you cannot do it.

They will say it is too hard and impossible. You tell them

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 38

smile because you found a new mountain to climb!

MESAS OF UTAH 2020

DIAMOND CALLADITTO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 39

I SAW YOU KEITH KELLY

I saw you change.

This change made you angry.

It made you sad.

From a lively young person.

To one that lived fix to fix.

I saw this change.

I saw you change.

Looks began to fade.

A beautiful face aged.

Later I saw you change.

Skin and bone, I didn’t recognize you.

I saw you change for the last time.

You looked like you finally found peace.

Like you were free from the demons that plagued you in life.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 40

MY FATHER SANG TO ME

ANGEL WHITECALF

Death is new life

Not the crying of women

We change our perspective and see it

Not the smile of the children

As new life

Could bind me, hold me back

Listen, dear one

I am free, a child of star-dreams

My father sang to me

And planet whispers

All those years

I am free and chose the woodland

I didn’t see him

Their mystery

My father whispered

My dogs

At night

We walked the earth

When I could hear him

Away from human strife

My father said

We slept on the ground The heartbeat of earth in our bodies

…dear one, I am free

The song of stars in our dreams

No laws of men can hold me

I sang the song of happiness

..dear one, I have seen and felt I have sought and rebelled

I dreamed of peace and joy At night

I’ve seen the ways of men

My spirit will see my children

And I am free, I tell you dear one I turned away from

‘ll whisper my song in their dreams

them

I touch their cheeks

The tribes and the nation Their laws that bind Their

With loving fingers So softly

promises

A spirit touch like butterfly wings

Their fights

I tell them of love everlasting

…dear one. Their way was not right for me I am born by

And the freedom to be

my stars Planets gave me their minerals I am a child of the universe The Creator shaped me To dream the song of stars To reach to the planets …not to be caught in strive and demands

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 41

MOUNTAINS TRAIL 2020

DIAMOND CALLADITTO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 42

CHI CHIL TAH 2020

ANTASIA ROBERTS

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 43

PINE TREE PARK 2020

ANTASIA ROBERTS

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 44

TREE

MARIAH YAZZIE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 45

We drive past and see The tall tree, it’s forest green Like the leaves before autumn

ONE HAPPY DOG 2020

ETHAN JOINES

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 46

ARYA

MARIAH YAZZIE

Dark brown eyes Pointed ears Soft fur Playful Loyal & Kind

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 47

SOCIAL DISTANCING HARLEY STYLE 2020

MONICA PRIETO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 48

DRIVING

YI-WEN HUANG

You cannot be behind someone And you also cannot be behind someone You drive a sedan and you cannot be behind someone You drive an 18-wheeler, and you cannot be behind someone You drive a SUV, and you cannot be behind someone This is what I learned over these past 10 years driving on I-40

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 49

THE HOLLYWOOD INJUN

AMANDA GIRALDO

The tension on set was real. There I was, standing

raised by an Indian tribe in the Old West. I see that that they

amid a heated argument with six fellow actors. Two of us wom-

are looking for New Mexico residents only, “Townsmen (lots of

en, wearing long deerskin dresses with fringes along the sleeves

beards!) and women, saloon girls, children, and lots and lots of

and along bottom of our dress painted with tribal designs, like

NATIVE men, women, and children for a western.” All I had to do

that of women warriors. Four men with their buckskin shirts,

was submit a recent photo and my current height and weight to

one shirtless, with their breechcloths with leather leggings.

the listed email address. Three months later, I receive the email

to come in for a look-see. The next day, to my surprise, I get the

Wearing moccasins to cover our feet on this hot

summer day. I could feel the drip of sweat run down my back

call.

and across my forehead as we try to reason with the producers.

“Hello, may I speak with Allison Young?” “This is her.”

In that moment, it felt like Cowboys vs Indians.

“Hi! This is Lorrie Latham, the casting director for

Ridiculous, and you have been selected to be an extra.”

It’s a typical weekday morning where I struggle to

wake up as I hit the sleep button on my phone to allow myself

I feel the rush of adrenalin run down my spine; I can’t

five more minutes of sleep. But then, I smelled something good,

believe it.

something that arouses my senses; I smelled the coffee brewing.

“Hello, are you still there?”

The smell guides me to the kitchen where I pour myself a cup,

“Oh yes, I’m here and thank you.”

but I skimp on the creamer because nothing wakes me up like a

“Ok, you will be receiving an email shortly regarding

cup of fresh hot black coffee. I make my way to the living room

all the details. Shooting starts in two days; we look forward to

to turn on the TV to see what is happening in the world today.

working with you.”

That’s when I see it flash across the screen in big bold letter as

the news anchor from KOAT is talking, “CASTING CALL FOR

comprehend what just happened. I gather myself, screaming on

EXTRAS IN NEW ADAM SANDLER MOVIE”. As a film student,

the inside, as I realize that I am going to be in a movie.

She hangs up and I sit in complete silence as I try to

I thought to myself, “Should I audition?” I have never acted before, but this is an Adam Sandler movie. The funny guy from Big Daddy, Just Go With It, Blended, and his most recent, Pixels.

Then I hear her say that other actors involved in the production are Luke Wilson, Terry Crews, Rob Schneider, and Taylor Lautner, amongst many others. All these famous actors coming to New Mexico! That alone was motivation for me to give it a shot.

I take my cup of coffee and immediately go online.

On Project Casting, I find that this movie will be a funny western comedy that is about an orphan, played by Sandler, who was

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 50

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE >

‘THE HOLLYWOOD INJUN’ CONTINUED >

he, himself is a Jew. But the last time I checked, he was not

I thought to myself, how does one appear more

a Native American. Blackface. That’s the word that came to

Native than a full-blooded Native? However, when I looked

my mind in that moment. You hear it on social media and in

I am ready to work. It’s a nice cool day, clouds in the sky

to my left and right it wasn’t only me, but all of us getting

the news when people, who are not black, make an offen-

amongst the hills of pine trees. In the short distance, I can

bronzed, which felt weird and unsettling. It was like we

sive attempt to mimic a black person by changing the color

see six teepees and off to the right a small river with huge

weren’t good enough to portray ourselves, but then I no-

of his or her skin and imitating a black person based off

rocks, big enough to stand on, along the banks. There are

ticed two white women in Native costume getting bronzed

stereotypes. Portraying someone of any colored-face other

about 150 other Natives on set as well, ranging from men,

as well, I felt confused, but not wanting to make a big deal

than their own is not funny, it’s offensive, and these people

women, and children of all ages. The producers were nice

of it, I just sat in the chair while she did my makeup.

are not just portraying a character, they are using someone

as they explained to us what we will be doing. In one scene,

else’s skin tone as a costume.

they say about 20 of us will be along the riverbank. The

around and waiting. Amongst the chatter between all the

women will wash clothing, the children will play, and the

extras, I found out that two of the main Native characters

proached me.

men will fish with their spears. No words are to be spoken

were to be portrayed by the two white women and had the

“Allison, right?” “Yes, that’s me.”

as we are just to act our parts and nothing else. Seems easy

character names of “Beaver Breath” and “Wears No Bra.” I

“We would like you to do some acting in a scene.”

enough as we are then instructed to change into our out-

am then standing on the side, watching them film a scene

“Ok, um, what do I have to do?”

fits.

with the character “Wears No Bra”. The producer calls “Ac-

“It’s simple, there is no dialogue, so you don’t

tion!”

have to memorize any lines. All you must do is act like your

Arriving on set at Ghost Ranch in Abiquiu, NM,

As I look in the mirror, I see myself for the first

As I walked out on set, there was a lot of standing

time in full costume. My long deerskin dress, hair free from

any products and allowed to flow freely in the breeze with

through, long sleeve, thigh high linen top and stretches as if

men (white men) around you on horses and they are going

moccasins on my feet. But that moment was disrupted

she had just woken up.

to pour alcohol on you and then you will jump up on your

when I was called to makeup. Sitting in the makeup chair I

feet and start dancing around.”

felt like a star, but then I see the makeup artist grab foun-

then says, “Good Morning Never Wears Bra.” She then says

I stared in silence, giving him that seriously look.

dation that is about two shades darker than my own natural

in a stereotypical attempt to sound Native with broken En-

“Don’t worry, it is not real alcohol, only water. I’ll

skin and being a full-blooded Navajo, I did not have a light

glish. “I have dream of you last night White Knife. Not nice

give you a few minutes to think about it. If not, I will have to

complexion.

dream. In dream you naughty. You naughty white knife.” She

go with someone else.” Which did end up being the white

then proceeds to walk behind the teepee, squat to imitate

lady who played Beaver Breath.

“Go ahead and close your eyes, I’m going to apply

As she steps out of the teepee with a white see

I stood in silence and shock as the producer ap-

“Good morning boys.” Adam Sandler’s character

some bronzer.”

that she is peeing, while lighting a peace pipe.

“Are you sure that is necessary? It seems a little

I stood in shock and felt my chin to make sure

dark for my complexion.”

it wasn’t lying on the ground. I knew this was supposed to

be an Adam Sandler film, the guy who is known to make

“Well this is only going to make you appear more

Native.”

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 51

drunk and fall as if you have passed out. There will be five

comedies, who always makes fun of Jewish people because

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE >

‘THE HOLLYWOOD INJUN’ CONTINUED >

“You’re trying to tell a Native what is disrespectful

are human beings too.

to them? Names such as Beaver Breath and Wears No Bra

is degrading to women, and we don’t need to sell out our

spective. I remember hearing about this on the news and

prepare to shoot another scene. Everything started to be-

people.”

was one of the many people who thought these actors and

come clear to me as I stood there looking at the set; feeling

my skin become hotter with anger. Over 4,000 films and

change Beaver Breath. It’s not meant to be disrespectful.”

they were getting into when they signed up for this movie.

100 years, Hollywood has shaped the image of Native Amer-

But, being human, feelings began to change as I began to

icans. As I stood there thinking about movies of the past, it

erybody, but when the people you are trying to portray are

put the pieces together. To this day, I am told, “Wow, you’re

was always the same. The main characters always portrayed

not laughing, it’s not funny, it’s discriminating”.

Indian? I never met a real Indian before. Do you own horses

by white people such as Burt Lancaster, Charles Bronson,

or have a teepee?” Or the bold ones will ask: “Are Natives

Elvis, and Burt Reynolds with real Native Americans always

thing, if you are overly sensitive about it, then you should

really just a bunch of alcoholics?” In those moments I would

in the background as props. Our image was to be that of the

probably leave. That’s the most important thing.

laugh, but now it all makes sense, they don’t see me as a

fearless, stoic warrior of the plains, wearing a headdress or

“Too late!”

human, but as this stereotypical Hollywood Injun.

headband, buckskin clothing, and living in teepees. This is

The cultural advisor was the first to leave and it

not how all tribes lived and this was a prime example on set

does say a lot when the cultural advisor, who was specif-

as we portrayed the Apache tribe who did not wear head-

ically hired to avoid moments like this, walks off set. Not

bands and they did not live in teepees. Thomas said it best

far behind him, I followed, along with about ten other cast

in the movie Smoke Signals, “But our tribe never hunted

members. This was our moment to take a stand, like in 1973

buffalo, we were fishermen.” Our Native nations are being

when Sacheen Littlefeather, an unknown actress, was asked

robbed of their identities as they are being grouped into

by Marlon Brando to make a speech in his place at the

one with the birth of a new Native nation, the Hollywood

Academy Awards, “ He regretfully cannot accept this very

Injun.

generous award and the reason for this being are the treat-

He walks off, calling other actors to set, as they

I had been talking to four of my fellow castmates

“I understand completely…But we’re not going to “But it is! A comedy is meant to be funny to ev-

“Ok, we hear what you’re saying but here’s the

ment of American Indians today by the film industry”. The

and the cultural advisor about what we were seeing when

academy award stage was her platform and social media

we decided as a group to approach the director to express

would be ours.

our concerns. It was about to be a Cowboys vs. Indians

moment.

tion as I was approached by local and national news stations

“We would like to express some concern about

It didn’t take long to capture the media’s atten-

to share my side of the story. This was not a publicity stunt,

this movie, and we feel it is becoming disrespectful to our

nor did I want the media attention. I just wanted my story

people.”

to be heard and to protect my identity of being a Native

“This is a comedy and it is not disrespectful”

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 52

American and to remind others that we still exist, and we

Envisioning myself as Allison changed my per-

actresses were trying to gain attention, that they knew what

FLY BY VIEWS 2020

MONICA PRIETO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 53

THANKS TO YOU NAUTISHA KEETO

She gave me air before I could breathe, And even showed me beauty before I could see. My footprints are admired as I started to walk But I know I followed hers, years after I learned to talk.

I continuously admire how she perseveres through any roadblock.

Hoping one day, she sees the same in me, praying that she isn’t shocked.

Little did she know that she handed me the key To unlock the answers of my deepest unknown fantasies.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 54

TAIWANESE CHEERING FOR CHEESE YI-WEN HUANG

What’s going on?

This never happened when I was in Taiwan where I was born and grew up My entire life there Now when I watch Taiwanese programs on my android box I see Taiwanese Add cheese to traditional egg pancakes for breakfast Add cheese to Japanese Ramen Add cheese to Korean rice cake, hotpot, or Shin Ramen Add cheese to Italian spaghetti Anna, French, rolling her eyes, melted two pieces of white American cheese, unwrapped by the male host, on top of undercooked bacon on top of a Cong You Bing, a green onion pancake. Once the cheese melted, she added 2 slices of tomato and folded it over, like a calzone, The audience of WTO Sister Association, loudly applauded, chanting, “Success!”

Taiwanese cheering for cheese Taiwanese YouTubers, Alisasa and A Yuan, cheered, eating cheese with Korean rice cake, fish cake, and fried chicken!

“Mmmmm, super delicious!” said A Yuan Alisasa nodded, her mouth full of cheese Costco might be the reason Taiwanese have access to cheese maybe Carrefour When I was in Taiwan before I came to America cheese was never available or even heard of There was no place to buy cheese—not even in big supermarkets I had only eaten a few kinds of cheese-related foods pizza in a fancy restaurant residing in a luxury hotel when I was a child or teenager or McDonald’s hamburgers or Wendy’s spaghetti or baked potatoes with a few threads of cheese on top Nowadays Taiwan has changed Even the traditional Taiwanese foods such as scallion egg pancakes have been changed by adding a piece of cheese inside They have even been adding a few pieces of cheese into their instant noodles or Ramen Some are adding Taiwanese oyster omelet as a pizza topping stacked on top of the cheese I find this highly unusual But, I’m old school

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 55

HOT AIR BALLOON 2020 MADISON KIEFER

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 56

REBORN

ALIZAY CHAVEZ

The pain hits at the

This is what I was

self worth, as I lose

It shaped me into the

worst time;

born to do.

Sitting in my room,

my own battle.

person I needed

Drowning in my own

Hear my words for I

Tears running

The battle that I

to be!

emotions.

have a

voice;

down my face;

created.

Losing hope... Losing

A voice

of my own.

Rope

faith... Slowly fading away; Drifting

No more listening to into my

own abyss just to re-

around my

I am on the path of

to feel alive;

healing!

No faith left.

blood dripping down;

Thank you, pen!

a weird sense of

Thank you, paper!

others.

My time is now!

Walls crumbled down,

The one that I needed

neck.

In this moment I knew

security.

the pain wouldn’t

The more I did it, the

I found my way; Hear

more I needed it.

these words. Under-

I will not back down!

end;

build itself.

My inner power is

It would just contin-

Lost in thought;

within my words.

ue; A never

Wishing to die, But realizing what I need.

stand them!

A weird

addiction .

ending cycle.

I am

free;

Free to be me.

I have a voice.

loved! beautiful!

I didn’t want to be

I am

This was the third

like her;

And no one can stop

time I was supposed

The more I

that!

to die

became her.

This is my voice!

No one cared,

Writing fills the void

so I did.

Disappointment .

I am finally free!

of existence;

No one listened, but

I didn’t know then,

Worthless .

Free from the hell I

My healing starts

my pen did.

but I do now.

Nothing .

created…

now!

No one believed me, I was saved for a

Scratch that, let’s

The pain I hide no

reason…

replace that: Worthy!

longer affects my

I am stronger than I

To save people That

Loved! Successful!

life…

know.

is my purpose;

but my paper.

Rebuilding… Gaining…

Happy…

I cry upon you, this is

I am loved. I am me.

my destiny.

There is no one

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE>

that can stop me.

This is me!

The purpose that I

I’m a writer.

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 57

I am

Hear my words, Know

needed to see;

Not letting my past

that they are true.

blinded by my own

ruin me;

REBORN

ALIZAY CHAVEZ

“REBORN” CONTINUED >

Six words that hold so much meaning.

I am

a writer.

I’ve never felt like I

I should be proud!

was enough.

The years of

I know that I am!

fear, Held back the

I see that now!

woman I should be.

My writing is me. If you don’t like

This is my calling to

that, I will kindly ask

heal; my way through

you to f- off (to ev-

my writing!

eryone who doubted)

This is my calling to heal.

Hear my words; Hear

My time is now… I

my cries!

know my worth. I will

I am not the woman

NOT be told differ-

that

ently!

I thought,

I was.

I held myself back.

I will not back down.

No,

not any-

more.

I am my own person!

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 58

I am

free!

I am

me!

I am Power!

LONESOME 2020

AJA FRANCISCO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 59

1 A.M.

MARIAH YAZZIE

The confusion is unbearable the fear of being disowned the unknown am I confused the mess I have created it’s held in

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 60

NATIVE SUNSET 2020 AJA FRANCISCO

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 61

SAY SOMETHING IF YOU’RE THERE

JOCELYN LYNN SUNG

It’s late. The quietness of the room should be soothing,

that the cold circle of tears pressing against my cheek is because

but without a bit of sound to focus on—a fan stirring up a gentle

of the wetness of my hair. I could convince myself that, in the

breeze, the tumbling of clothes in a dryer, or the ticking of a

distance, there are a pack of stray dogs howling at the moon,

clock—it’s difficult to fall asleep.

and I could fall asleep by focusing on that imaginary noise. In my

dreams, I could convince myself that I am anyone else anywhere

I’m extremely drained. I’ve now spent a majority of my

childhood moving from place to place, constantly having to adapt

else, and she has so much more going for her than I do.

to new surroundings and schedules. At ‘home,’ my mom boils

over with pent-up rage and stress, but that isn’t new; the jagged

way.

scar on my left elbow attests to that. My friends at school do

things that genuine friends would never do, let alone even con-

the ocean spreads its waves after they clash against the shore of

sider. They use Asian racial slurs to make inside jokes. One uses a

an empty beach. I don’t think I breathe, because if I breathe, that

neon-yellow highlighter to scribble all over the math homework

feeling will crumble. That feeling of searching, of reaching out, of

that I so meticulously wrote out, because there isn’t a printer in

hoping to sense that something or someone is there is as delicate

any of the boxes littered everywhere in our new apartment, if you

as a newly born fractal of snow. If I make a single wrong move, it’ll

can consider things like strange odors and cockroaches as ‘new.’

recoil like a stretched rubber band, stinging me before I even have

the time to react, and everything will be confirmed.

I spend each day dreaming of the better things that my

Instead of doing any of that, I lie to myself in another I stretch my conscience out. I spread it thin like the way

future has to hold for me because not only is there only so much

that I, a fourteen-year-old girl, can take without having anyone

answer and received one so immediately or so obviously, then

to count on, but if the universe has so cruelly cheated me of a

I’m sure some sort of divine being, whether it be God or not, has

kind beginning, it can’t possibly cheat me of a good ending, too.

to have some sort of compassion for me and everything that

Right?

I’ve been through. Maybe then I could finally find something to

Those thoughts wander through my mind as I lie in

If so many people of faith claim to have prayed for an

believe in.

bed. The moon is full tonight, and its round face peers into my

Are you there?

bedroom through the window. It chases away the darkness and

To someone else, those words are simple and bland.

makes it flee into the unsettling black of the closet. I’m sure that

To me, I have poured every ounce of myself into them. There’s a

if I turned, I could see my younger brother’s sleeping silhouette as

deep pressure inside my heart that attests to that.

he dreams of nonsensical, light-hearted things; instead, I’m facing

the wall, curled up with my knees tucked against my chest and

answer.

In that quiet, moonlit room, I lie still, waiting for an

my hands gathering folds of my blanket underneath my chin.

My damp hair lies behind me spread out over my pillow.

If I tried my best to lie to myself, I could probably convince myself

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 62

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‘SAY SOMETHING IF YOU’RE THERE’ CONTINUED >

be able to get to that side of the highway with those pure

trust in any sort of faith than I was before, but a small part

white headlights. I could ask my mom to stop, clamber past

of me is still naively hopeful. “This is the last time,” I think to

my brothers to get out of the car, jump the divider between

myself as I struggle to hear something, to feel anything, but

backseat of my family’s beat-up Honda Odyssey van as we

the different lanes, but as soon as the tip of my sneaker

like all of those other times, nothing greets me besides an

sped along the crowded lanes of California’s never-ending

touched the asphalt of the other side, all I would see were

echoing silence reverberating from a deep, invisible abyss.

highways. Many people dislike long drives without any sort

those damning red taillights.

There is no answer, no comfort. There’s only that same

of distraction to pass the time, but I liked looking outside

uneasiness and disappointment that I felt with those red

the windows (and I still do). Whether I was half-asleep or

lead to extremely unhealthy habits. For example: As a kid,

taillights.

fully awake, I liked daydreaming about different things. May-

I contemplated death a lot. I was in no way suicidal, but I

be that’s how my love for writing stories began: with the

constantly felt like I was running out of time to be able to

that’s almost six hundred miles away from my other one

gentle vibrations of the car soothing me, I used the blurs of

enter heaven. On my 12th birthday, I wasn’t happy about

back in that room and its deafening silence. Everything is

colors, people, and places to create entire worlds in my past

growing up. I wasn’t enjoying my cake or the few presents I

different. The window used to be behind my head, and the

self’s boundless imagination.

received. Instead, I was seriously considering my death.

door used to be in front of me, but they’ve swapped places.

From my bed, I see people in scrubs, suits, and sweaters as

I remember being young and sitting in the

At night, however, those car rides became tainted

It was both infuriating and disheartening, and it

For some, religion has a positive impact on their

Four years later, and I’m sitting on my bed, one

and my thoughts often wandered somewhere else. Gone

mental health and sense of self. For me, it was the exact

they walk along the sidewalk leading to Fort Defiance Indian

were those peaceful daydreams of different, interesting

opposite. As a kid, I was so convinced that twelve was

Hospital. Even the floor has changed. Before, I only had to

things to ease the length of the drive, and in their place was

the deadline for children to die, yet still be accepted into

vacuum every so often, but now, despite all of my sweep-

a deeply-rooted sense of failure and uneasiness.

heaven by God. That’s what I was taught by the religious

ings, a thin layer of dust never leaves the linoleum tiles.

movies that my mom used to watch and the few sermons

rounded me, blocking me in. On the other side of the high-

that I heard during the times that my family actually went

wasn’t there. A moment passes before it opens so reluctant-

way, the pure white headlights of those cars twinkled for

to church. I felt like—as I grew older—I would undoubtedly

ly that it’s almost as if it’s able to sense my hostility.

just a few moments, wasting no time as they hurried past

become more and more tainted by sin. I also felt like I would

me.

never be able to live up to God’s extremely high expecta-

small gap. Years of quiet observation have helped me learn

The bright red taillights of so many cars sur-

My mom’s face appears in the darkness of that

tions of me; each tiny lie, every single negative thought, and

how to read facial expressions, but with her, it’s hard. Maybe

would see the domino-effect of traffic building up. Knowing

everything else that I couldn’t do would condemn me to an

it’s because I don’t even want to look at her.

about California’s notorious problem with reckless drivers,

eternity of a fiery, painful, and terrifying prison. These things

they might even become a little apprehensive, and their

deeply imprinted such a strong sense of failure in me that

come?”

grip on the steering wheel might tighten. To me, a young

it quickly lead to issues with my sense of self-worth and

kid who played with Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops with her

confidence, things that I still struggle with today.

friend from down the street, all I could see and feel was my

inferiority.

neath my fraying blankets and trying so desperately to hear

To most people, they would only see cars. They

There’s a quiet knock on the door that I wish

Even as a kid, I felt like those red taillights were

significant to sin and despite all of my trying, I would never

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 63

In that moonlit, silent bedroom, curled up under-

some sort of otherworldly voice speak out to comfort me, I am much older and a little less willing to freely place my

“We’re having scriptures,” she says. “Can you

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE >

‘SAY SOMETHING IF YOU’RE THERE’ CONTINUED >

they believe in a welcoming afterlife, a reunion with their deceased loved ones, and a forgiving God. Others have a

There are a lot of words that want to come out,

need for their life to have some sort of deeper meaning, so

but I hesitate. If only I were more assertive as a person,

they turn toward religion to find it. We see so many strange,

then I could flatly tell her no and eloquently and confidently

terrible, or beautiful things in our world, and we need to

list every single reason why. If only I were clairvoyant, then

find a means to justify it. I don’t disagree with these facts,

I could get on my knees and plead with her to move us

and I don’t disagree with people’s choices. We choose to

back to California before the end of the summer. We could

be who we and to do what we do are based on our past

escape the heartache and adversity that the following years

experiences, our current knowledge, and our future aspira-

brought. My mom wouldn’t have been suffocated by pillows

tions.

and wrestled to the ground, and she would have never be-

come infatuated with my stepdad’s sham of a homophobic,

and my experiences as a teenager, I can no longer find the

racist, and sexist religion. My younger brother wouldn’t have

ability to trust in any sort of divine being, merciful or not.

to keep quiet and sit through hours of forcefully studying scripture when he should have been enjoying the freedom of being a kid. My stepdad’s radical beliefs wouldn’t have touched either of them.

As for me, I wouldn’t have had those frustrating

dreams, the ones where I’m screaming at my stepdad so loudly and for so long that my voice gives out, and I can no longer make a single sound. There would be no need for me to cry so hard that I felt like I was choking on every single word that I wanted to say. There would be no need for me to talk to the police, salty tears streaming down my cheeks as my feelings, which suffered from years of neglect and suffocation, began spilling out so quickly that I couldn’t even say one intelligible sentence. There would be no need for me to justify to my stepdad or my mom why I couldn’t (and still can’t) bring myself to believe in a faith, a “truth” that so openly discriminates my friends, my classmates, and all of the other future people that I haven’t even met.

People find comfort in their faith. Some have

an easier time coping with death and illness because

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 64

For me, however, based on my thoughts as a child

BULL SKULL UNDER THE NEW MEXICAN SUNSET AND MOON 2020 YI-WEN HUANG

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 65

THE DEATH OF THEORY TOM MCLAREN

We’ve reached the point of reductio ad absurdum a coddled, younger generation bases a nationwide revolutionary violence spree on 10 seconds of a 15-minute video taken out of context Empowers themselves judge, jury & executioner, once they deem you woke or unwoke Moby Dick, milk & time are all racist because they are white A female college student seeing a penis at a dormroom party constitutes rape, while a 5 year old girl seeing a penis in a lady’s room constitutes progress ad hominem albus Can the Subaltern Speak was supposed to give voice to liberate intersectional discourses of oppression not be used as a manual to be applied in order to silence/oppress entire classes, genders, races, age groups Critical Theory has ceased to be critical Like Abbie Hoffman said, Don’t trust anyone under 30 Was theory ever about liberation?

Marxism & Maoism are the ultimate form of classism, enforced by death squads I’m ashamed I ever took part in any of this even if my hands aren’t dirty

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 66

MUSICK 2020

COBIN WILLIE

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 67

CHRISTMAS EVE MAKDES LASH

I went to a party you told me not to go to mom.

I am sorry mom.

I went into this party knowing I should not drink.

I was the designated driver.

My friends do not move from the ground, somehow I am up and standing.

I felt peer pressure to drink, and do drugs mom.

My car is flipped mom.

I could not stay strong. I knew I should limit myself. One drink,

At second glance, another car is crushed right beside mine. An

two drinks, three drinks, four.

ambulance rushes to the scene. My friends are piled into the

A pill lays flat on my tongue as I pose for a picture.

ambulance.

Black body bags are held in a man’s hand walking towards the

I meet various guys and kiss multiple guys. I am sorry mom.

other vehicle.

I black out, waking up unclothed beside a guy I do not know.

I am sorry mom.

I have killed a family.

Drugged, raped and crying, I head downstairs.

Two kids and two parents.

I am sorry mom.

Time stands still as I walk down the steps with my clothes torn. I

I am fine, I suffer minor injuries.

tell my friends we need to go.

I sit behind the wheel drunk, my four friends laughing. I am sorry

I have committed manslaughter at age 17. I am sorry mom.

mom.

I hope orange looks good on me. I hope the handcuffs don’t leave marks.

I thought I could get us home safely mom.

I hope my friends can forgive me. Most importantly I hope you

I thought since I had drank less than my friends I was the safest

can mom.

one.

I ran through a red light at intersection mom.

If only I would have never taken the keys.

I was hallucinating from the drugs and distraught from being

Two kids should be alive and living life with ease. This is going to

raped.

be one sad Christmas Eve. I am sorry mom.

The sound was deafening, the music blasting, the glow of glass flying in the air.

The airbag bursting out at me, my heart flying out to meet it.

Laughter turning into screams.

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FAMILY: RNS & EMTS 2020 COBIN WILLIE

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THE FOURTH PARADOXIST MANIFESTO FLORENTIN SMARANDACHE

The Paradoxist Distich Theory The whole paradoxist distich should be as a geometric unitary The PARADOXIST DISTICH consists of two verses, antithetic to

parabola, hyperbola, ellipse at the borders between art, philoso-

each other, but which together amalgamate in a whole defining

phy, rebus, and mathematics – which exist in complementariness;

(or making connection with) the title.

and to contain:

Commonly, the second verse negates the first, containing there-

- Antitheses, antinomies, antagonisms, antiphrases, paraphrases,

fore an antonymic/antagonistic notion/collocation or opposite

contrary metaphors, polarizations;

idea.

- paradoxes at the semantic level: ideate, social, political, theologThe making of the distich:

ical, linguistic, psychological, philosophical, and even scientific; exactly this paradox provides the savory to the whole; from here

- Take a dictionary of phrases and linguistic expressions, proverbs,

the beauty of the writing, the flavor of the small metaphor flutter-

sayings, teachings, aphorisms, riddles, adages, maxims, quips, or

ing its twined wings;

famous sayings of well- known personalities, and contradict them without pity, shear them!

- pseudo-paradoxes here and there;

- Or take a dictionary of antonyms, and another of synonyms and joggle with contradictory notions/collocation/phrases - homog-

- preposterous character, against an obsolete academism and

enizing heterogenic elements; choose also an adequate title and

behind the times traditionalism (Al. Lungu genus);

you enter in Paradoxism.

- the oxymoronic replication / fusion / juxtaposition of jargons, The School of Paradoxist Literature, which evolved around 1980s,

linguistic expressions, patterns, archetypes, schemes, blueprints,

continues through these bi-verses closed in a new lyric exact for-

classic stencils;

mula, but with an opening to essence. For this kind of procedural poems one can elaborate mathematical algorithms and imple-

- the finding of (molding/embodying in) creation formulae and

ment them in a computer: but, it is preferable a machine with …

anti-formulae;

soul!

Characteristics:

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- inspired / chiseled folklore: quips, wisecracks, jokes (from

- at least one interior rhythm (even rhyme) for a plus of

cartoon characters and shows (Bulã, Itzic and Ştrul));

harmony (in this apparent disharmony);

- or juggled with the homonyms’ ambiguity (multi-sense);

- the metric structure of the two verses is randomly select-

- ounter – poems; - antithetic epigram styles;

ed; - some paradoxes became common places, metaphors, they

- parodies of phrases and linguistic expressions, proverbs,

are traditionalized – although initially they encountered

say- ings, aphorisms, adages, assessments, (petrified, and

resistance, they were rejected; that’s the fait accompli of

not only) language clichés, grammatical structures, phrase-

any paradox!

ologies by:

- the phrases show some special sweetness; - attention at the poem division; playful in time and contra-time, caesura and anti- caesura;

The paradoxist distiches should be: o alterations of sense to 45 or 90 degrees;

- having a title, the poem is integrated, rounds off, becomes - diagrammatic;

an entity;

- providing some knowledge;

- the title, short and comprehensive, should contain the key

o in the opposite sense, against (at 180 degrees); o the figurative interpreted strictly speaking, and vice versa

of the poetics’ corpus (the referred to and referring to it)

(breach of all conventions);

- philosophical quintessence;

- paraphrases for the purpose of refreshing the dead pat-

- brilliant imagination;

and utilizing bi-verses that define the title;

- witty words, memorable, soothing your soul;

- do not interpret the paradoxist distiches as simple witti-

- a sort of definitions for lyric rebuses: based on anti-theses, terns; - or in metaphorical nonsense, exaggerated, parabolic

cisms, but meanings of meaningless (deeperly going to the

(reduction enlarged, like at a microscope, penetrating in the

- few words; non multa, sed multum : maximizing the mini-

substance, to the kernel), other times even meaningless of

infinitesimal of the small worlds, concentrated);

mum, minimizing the maximum – these days, when people

meanings (sim- plistic impressions, after superficial lecture,

read less, we need concise writings;

that the material is understood profoundly);

gences, deformations, alterations, distortions, mystifications,

- with diversity of topics, notional spheres, paradoxist poet-

- of an organic eclecticism.

poetic mock- ups and anti/non-poetics;

ic equations;

- text, para-text, anti-text, inter-text, non-text with para-

- put it bluntly, openly, funny, cleverly (if we use the scalpel

doxist modulations (sublanguage, over-language, meta-lan-

for the lyric’s surgery);

- idiosyncrasies at contradictions, incongruences, diver-

guage); - when read, the verses should glide;

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- Eminescu about a virgin:

This volume is untranslatable, but adaptable to other lan-

Willing / Unwilling

“The poet Mihai Beniuc ascending / He failed”; unanimity (positive or negative) does not exist;

guage’s clichés.

- About the Stalinist bureaucracy: - passing by Caragiale, with his:

Two people shovel / Three people report;

Clean / Dirty

- Grigore Moisil’s irony:

Historical considerations: I discovered the Paradoxism, I did not invent it. It existed

ION BARBU: Is the biggest mathematician / amongst poets,

before … paradoxists.

And the biggest poet / amongst mathematicians!

- the jocular Arghezi from Oltenia:

The popular wisdom, and a part of the cultured creation,

(Which, unfortunately-fortunately, applies to me as well?);

fit close- ly on the classical paradoxist mould; with this

We say something / And smoke something else! (observe

purpose, let see the following examples:

the transparent allusion) but also his poems from “Flori de

- similarly, Alberto Caeiro, a.k.a. Fernando Pessoa: The

mucigai” (“Mold’s flowers”);

unique secret sense of things

- beginning with the antique Greeks, through Plato (who puts in Protagoras’ mouth):

Is that these don’t hold any secret sense; - the political paradox: for example

Everybody / Teaches everybody; The more some want to put Marshal Antonescu down, even

- and more recent, a social paradox ¬ “The power / of the

more do the opposite camp glorifying him – it is like using

powerless”

a scale: when a pan is too low, you feel adding more weight

essay of Vaclav Havel, who from a dissident (without any

on the opposite pan to establish the equilibrium; it is a psy-

power), becomes President (with the highest power) in the

chological process. The same, during a game between two

past Czecho- slovakia, implementing a democratic country,

- continuing with old Romanian aphorisms:

teams for which you don’t have any preference, you tend to

which in turn tears itself apart:

Stay curved / and think straight (C. Negruzzi, <Pîcală şi

be supportive of the team that has less chances to win; (+

Tîndală>, fragment, 1840);

and - should balance each other); therefore, we can make

- O. Paler in “Flacãra” (“The Flame”) publication:

the affirmation that

SPECIALIZATION means

“Ion Antonescu fell / Rising”

To know more and more / about less and less, Until you’ll

- or our Roman ancestors: Festina / Lente (Rush / Slowly);

- how did Voltaire say?

The rules in art are made / To be ignored; and then?!

know everything / about nothing!

- therefore, their effort to destroy him, in fact helped the

- Baudelaire with “Les fleurs du mal”;

rise of his popularity; it is the action of the Opposite Effect, plus the Equilibrium Law; and vice versa; excessive ovations produce converse reactions: He, the favored of the regime

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Let be a wolf / Eaten by a sheep!

defense / Is the attack –

- the economic paradox:

The man who doesn’t serve / Will not become a boss

Without being a paradox, but a tactic, a reality;

sume And consume a lot / from what they don’t produce

You drink his money away / And he drinks your money

- Extending to the American Murphy’s laws of a bitter

(Roger Garaudy, 1997);

away Mak- ing strong knots, / Requires time to undo

humor:

- Caracal “shockers”:

You have hope / Like the beardless for the beard Penny

The probability that a slice of bread will fall on its spread

wise / And pound foolish

face is greater than that of falling on its non-spread face

Countries that produce too much / which they don’t con-

a)

Prison / on the Liberty street!

b)

Cemetery / on the Resurrection street!

(I. C. Hinţescu, “Proverbele românilor”, (“Romanian’s

(!)

c)

Robbery / at the Police Station!

Proverbs”), Edition in care of Constantin Negreanu and Ion

- And in Calculus there exists, somehow paradoxist (but,

d)

Fire / at the Fire Station!

Bratu, Forward by

however, non paradoxical!)

I. C. Chiţimia, Facla Publishing House, Timişoara, 1985) - Playful talk, in contrary sense:

Sup inf (M) is the dual of inf sup (M), (reverse interpretations);

I do you a favor; / Do you get upset? (Well, obviously not!);

which means the largest from the smallest, and the smallest from the largest, respectively.

- And the English proverb: - Or proverbs, maxims, sayings, witticisms, often used con-

Great, isn’t it?

tempo- raneous reflections:

A glass is half full / Or half empty,

The lazybones / Runs around more

therefore any thing can be positive and negative; it depends

- Or the upside-down “drunk’s song:”

Let’s go at work to work; / God help us not to find work! He

of your angle of interpretation – this principle is used by

From the drunk / tavern I’m coming, On the fence I walk /

propagan- dists;

the road holding. With the dogs / I hit the stones

- From the Newspapers’ big headlines (or even from books’

And am friend / with foe abalones!

laughs / Of distress!

Take it away from me / Otherwise I take him out Taking a

titles from bookstores, or references in a library), which, if

deaf dog / To hunting

in their con- tents contain a paradox, they become more

- And the following three semi-paradoxist verses: Who

inciting and shocking when read [see the predilection of

knows how a thing is done, does it!

Catch the blind, / Tear his eyes out

many writers in using antino- mies in order to surprise (or attract) the public];

Who doesn’t know, teaches others how to do it!

- Even at football, the coach advising his players: The best

Whip the saddle / To attention the mare! When two argue / The third wins

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THE SWIMMING TOP:

4. Double negation which means affirmation:

And who doesn’t know how to do it nor to teach others,

To swim with one hand, and with the other To move your

“War / Against war” = PEACE;

leads!! (applicable to previous party’s secretaries, cultural

legs (!)

guides, and not only);

5. Double affirmation, or

which means negation, strange no?

THE HEN’S TOP:

“The sanctification / Of saints” = ORDINATION, that is, the

- During the dictatorship: Art. 1. The boss is right.

Art. 2. The boss is always right.

saints have their sins, therefore they are not saints; The hen’s legs are similarly parallel,

Art. 3. When the boss is not right, it is applicable Art. 1 or

6. Turn around on false tracks:

Art. 2;

Especially the left one (!!) (the second line tops all).

- Or from the jokes whispered sometime in various corners,

And many others, under the reader’s eye and at listener’s

CEAUŞESCU ERA

ear.

“With one eye of glass, / And the other of cat!” (You think of a being, but in fact is) = THE MOTORCYCLE; 7. Hyperboles (exaggeratedly): The pessimist: Worst that this is not possible. The optimist:

Types of Paradoxist distiches

No, it is possible (!)

“Out of four workers / Five are bosses” = BUREAUCRACY; 1. Clichés paraphrased:

(and, indeed, the transition period proves to be much more

“The right man / In the wrong place” = OFFENDER

diffi- cult) which jokes intellectually sweetening those black

8. With nuance changeable from the title: “She was virgin /

years;

2. Parodies:

twice”

- Plus the famous popular <tops> (synonym: like jokes,

the popular proverb <Talking about the wolf / And the wolf

gags, with semi-absurd nuances, but nevertheless of a very...

is at the door> becomes, through ironic substitution,

a) serious (biblical): VIRGIN MARY;

“Talking about the wolf / And the pig is at the door (!)” =

b) or joking: PROSTITUTE;

=

plastic logic!)

THE STUPIDITY TOP:

COIN- CIDENCE;

To believe that your mother in law Is virgin!

3. Reversed formulae:

or

“Any exception / Admits rules” (instead of <Any rule / ad-

9. Epigrammatic:

mits exceptions>);

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simmer”, “He invents something / Already invented” = PLAGIARIST

TO SOMEONE WHO LIKES MEETINGS = “Let him meet /

Public transportation cashier: “Advance / Forward!”;

or

14. or on anti-pleonasms: THE TRAVELERS:

“Your pot doesn’t simmer / Where you don’t put the hand”

With himself”; 10. Pseudo-paradoxes:

= ATTEMPT; “No, we advance / Backwards!“;

“Non-guilty ones / Indicted ones” = INNOCENTS

What are the ‘original’ forms of the following expression’s 15. Substitution of the attribute in collocations (using mock-

“Motivation / Of no motivation” = NEGLECT;

ery, ridicule, and contra-sense):

11. Tautologies:

<Lame of a leg>, which is trivial collocation, and which be-

permu- tations?

“The hammer / Praises the gipsy” “Eye to eye / Don’t pull the vultures” “Beat the hot / While is iron”

comes by substitution: “ Blind / Of a leg” = LAMELY “Close to / Close” = PROXIMITY

“The cat with mice / Does not catch bell” “Good dog / In a (and so it becomes more interesting);

cheese sack”

16. Substitution of the complement in collocations

“Behind the heroes / Many wars turn up” “Don’t get broken

“Beyond / The beyond” = EXTREME FAR AWAY “City / Of cities” = METROPOLIS

/ That you stretch” “Same hat / With other Maria” [pedaling on a metamorphic nonsense (not absurd), exag-

“Dipper / Than deep” = BOTTOM

gerating the collocation into surrealist direction) :

“How friendly / Are our friends? = VIGILANCE;

<With the socks broken at the ankle>, which is a common

„The trunk doesn’t jump far of / Its chips” “Drop stupid pear / In the sapless mouth” “The gift of teeth / Is not looked up in horse”

expression, becomes after substitution: 12. Redundant:

“With the broken socks / On your rear!” = RAGGED (good<Becomes devil’s brother / Until crosses the lake>

hu- mor);

“Becomes lake’s brother / Until the devil goes away” =

PUDDLE;

“Do we go / Or we don’t stay?” = WHERE “Are you sleeping, / Or you did not wake?” = CUCKOO CLOCK <Don’t put the hand / Where your pot doesn’t simmer> has 13. Based on pleonasms:

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?

17. Permutation of various parts of the whole:

Find a corresponding title for each of these 11 paradoxist

21. Change in grammatical category (preserving substitutions’ homonymy): IN NEED // “The good friend / Hardly is detected”

distiches; <Becomes devil’s brother / Until crosses the lake>

(Adverbial of place <in need> is changed in adverbial of 18. The negation of the clichés (that would produce antith-

“Becomes lake’s brother / Until the devil goes away” =

manner

eses):

PUDDLE;

<hardly> using a phonetic substitution), and vice versa: <Accept / What you’re given> becomes

<Don’t put the hand / Where your pot doesn’t simmer> has vari- ants: “Don’t put the pot / Where your hand doesn’t

HARDLY // “The good friend / In need is known”; “Accept / What you don’t get = NONCONFORMIST;

simmer”,

22. Epistolary or colloquia style: <Let me alone / To let you alone> becomes

or

DEAR TEACHER, // “The child knows to read / But doesn’t “Let me / Not to let you” = REVENGE MAN; analogous

know the alphabet” observe the aberration):

“ The deaf hears / But doesn’t match them up” = CONFU-

23. Puzzles

“Your pot doesn’t simmer / Where you don’t put the hand” = ATTEMPT;

SION; What are the ‘original’ forms of the following expression’s

“He looks at you / Without seeing you” = (Who? THE MOLE,

permu- tations?

19. Antonymization (substantively, adjectively, etc.):

because does not have eyes; or THE BLIND);

“The hammer / Praises the gipsy” “Eye to eye / Don’t pull

<Sweet as / honey> becomes

24. Metaphors:

“Sweet as / The gall” = BITTER (alcoholic beverage), and

“I affably bathe in the nightly / light of your ebony locks of

“Bitter as / The honey” = SUGAR SYRUP;

hair”

the vultures” “Beat the hot / While is iron” “The cat with mice / Does not catch bell” “Good dog / In a cheese sack”

= LOVE; 20. Fable against the grain:

“Behind the heroes / Many wars turn up” “Don’t get broken

25. Philosophical:

/ That you stretch” “Same hat / With other Maria”

AND THEY HAD A DAUGHTER SO BEAUTIFUL… //

“The trunk doesn’t jump far of / Its chips” “Drop stupid pear

“That you could look at her / But at sun not”! (<sun> and

/ In the sapless mouth” “The gift of teeth / Is not looked up

<her> have been transposed);

PARSIFAL (Greek): “He didn’t know / That he knew”;

in horse”

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‘THE FOURTH PARADOXIST MANIFESTO’ CONTINUED > 26.

“To see what / Others don’t see” = PERSPICACIOUS(I) “To hear what / Others don’t hear” = PERSPICACIOUS (II)

<Non-S> the antonym of the noun S,

Expanding we have

<Non-A> the antonym of the adjective A

“{Predicate} what / Others don’t {Predicate}; Analogous

<Non-Adv> the antonym of the adverb Adv

Distiches – translations:

VOLENS NOLENS = “Willy / Nilly”; 27. Pure scientific definitions

UNDER

“Superior form / Of inferior species” = AMEBA;

QUESTION MARK:

<Non-V> the negation of the verb V, {plus the connection particles (prepositions, conjunctions, “How free / Is the free press?

etc.) modified accordingly}.

Where <free> and <press> could be substituted by {attri-

Here are some categories:

28. Homonymic puzzles (rebus) “More sea than the / Sea” = THE OCEAN;

butes}, and {subjects} respectively;

29. Distiches of dual verses:

33. Snapped (entrapped) in creationist formulae:

“The science of religion / Or the religion of science” =

Let <S(N)> a noun at nominative,

a) <S(N)> / <S(G)> “The critique / Of the criticism” = EXEGETICS THEOLO- GY;

b) <S> / <S/A> <S(G)> a noun at genitive,

30. Paradoxist poems-collage:

“An occasion / Occasionally” = MISHAP <S(A)> an adjectival noun,

Violent images, collected from the press or mass media, which alternate discordantly one to each other (volume in

c) <S> / <Non-S> <A> an adjective,

work);

“Adhesion / To no adhesions” = LIBERTINISM “Any known / <V> a verb,

Has an unknown” = THE EQUATION

<Adv> an adverb,

d) <V> / <Non-V/S>

<Adv/A> an adjectival adverb,

31. Semi-collage poems: Collages + contradictory original creations (volume in work); 32. The majority of distiches can be generalized: <V/S> a substantivized verb,

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36. Double semi-paradox:

SECONDCHAPTER

“It represents / The non-representing” = INSIGNIFICANT

“Renowned geologist amongst physicists,

&1

And vice versa And physicist amongst geologists” = GEOPHYSICIST (Some-

Where there is enough stupidity Occasionally, the wisdom

e) <Adv> / <Non-Adv/A>

times is done by combining two semi-paradoxist distiches);

nests

“Serious in / His non-seriousness” = FUNNY

37. Novel of paradoxist distiches (concatenated):

&2

with antagonist chapters; Example: PERPLEXING YOU! “Honestly / He is a non-serious individual” = SINCERITY formulae which should be invented by active (no passive)

Mentally reduced men, anonymous, Occasionally come up FIRSTCHAPTER

with superb assertions

&1

&3

Where there is wisdom The stupidity also nests

They usefully simplify Complex things

&2

&4

Intelligent people, geniuses, Sometimes make childish errors

In an incoherence Very coherent.

&3

&5

They complicate to no purpose Simple things

Their international nonrecognition Becomes recognizable

readers …?....?...?...

34. Pairs of dual distiches: Defining the same notion (title): “Anarchical / Melody” = JAZZ (I) and “Melodious / Anarchy” = JAZZ (II) or different notions: “Professional / Amateur” = DILETTANTE “Amateur / Professional” = PASSIONATE; &4 35. Double paradox:

In a coherence Very incoherent

“Anarchical melody / Or melodious anarchy” = JAZZ &5 “The sense has a nonsense, / And the nonsense has a sense” = THE ESSENCE OF PARADOXISM (Sometimes is done by combining two dual distiches);

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Their international recognition Becomes unrecognizable

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‘THE FOURTH PARADOXIST MANIFESTO’ CONTINUED > Any exception Admits rules. The literary currents are a form and re-form of reply to the world, in this millennium of science and technology, when we witness an electronic revolution, an informational revolution, World Wide Web, <The Internet>, when the poetry is dead, therefore the poetry is not dead – and new formulae of expression need to be invented.

And this is not a non-sense; instead it is a lyric adaptation to the anti-lyric, when the art is a non-art itself…

Introducing species of poetry with a novel fixed form, the paradoxism captures a new way (in fact very old!) of representation.

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A STARRY NIGHT AT MONUMENT VALLEY 2020 CORINE GONZALES

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ENCHANTED 2020 CORINE GONZALES

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GROWING THOUGHTS

NAUTISHA KEETO

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I check my horoscope to prove that today will be okay.

My mind knows how to trick itself which is sad one could say Not to mention how often these ideas oscillate The voice of my heart gets in the way as it acclimates But I know one day, these seeds of ideas will become a blossoming bouquet.

NOVEMBER

CALANDRA BEGAY

Subtracting the days on the calendar Faster than leaves falling in November The wind blows colder You can hear it in a picture The lantern can be seen a mile away but I’m here to stay Four seasons have passed And it is never the same The cold nights are finally cold The warm night is finally comfortable The knife is never dull Nothing is impossible I am forever yours

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UNHEARD

APRIL MANSON

I still find myself having conversations with you.

Changing what I said.

My thinking process and awareness are miles apart.

I can’t seem to bring myself to terms with what has happened.

These conversations were ones I let slip out of my hands How can I get you back when my yearning for you goes unheard into thin air.

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A GLEAM OF LIGHT 2020

CORINE GONZALES

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TOGETHER ARETHA MATT

Shimá sání lay there quietly, eyes closed,

where the grandchildren quietly cried,

breathing,

they hugged us and wiped away our tears,

seemingly unaware.

Shimá sání,

Before she closed her eyes that day,

left us that day,

shimá sání asked that we all come, sons, daughters,

together

grandchildren, the family.

She did not speak, maybe, it was because she had already left, or maybe, she just wanted to listen.

For hours, she lay quietly and refused to go; she lay quietly and refused to come back.

Before the sun set that day, shimá sání made the daughters weep, when her body finally told us, it was time; time to let go, time to say goodbye.

Shimá, her daughter, cried out in agony and her body shook with disbelief; She was the oldest of her daughters and knew shimá sání the best.

Shimá and her sisters held hands and sat around their mother’s bed; they watched and prayed as they disconnected their mother from this world and then cried like small children when shimá sání took her last breath.

When they returned to the waiting room

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NOBODY HEARS YOU

JOCELYN LYNN SUNG

It was a cloudless spring day. The weather was finally

ing’s sun, Nikolas Cruz roamed through the hallways and class-

defrosting. The bitter chill that had persisted throughout the

rooms of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Unlike other

entire winter was finally being swept away by the same gentle

students—who were most likely carrying gift bags of chocolate

breeze that blew my hair into my eyes and cut my vision into

candies or stuffed animals to celebrate Valentine’s Day—he car-

narrow, uneven strips. I stood underneath the kindness of that late

ried an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. On a day that celebrates love

morning sun, tiny chunks of asphalt skittering away from my feet

and commitment, Cruz opened fire into unsuspecting classrooms

like a family of spooked mice as my feet kept shifting themselves

for six minutes and twenty seconds. He marked seventeen people

underneath me.

for death, and in the end, those actions created a wave of fear

and outrage that swept across the nation.

I watched all of the different classes as they spilled

out of Gallup High’s bright orange double doors in a never-end-

ing stream of students and faculty. Some of the freshmen girls

town of Gallup, New Mexico, that fear and outrage hit me too.

giggled as they walked in their separate cliques. The sophomores

beamed at each other, waving wildly to their friends across the

to me it was just another day with another inevitable tragedy.

rough, fractured asphalt of the blacktop. A majority of the ju-

After Columbine , school shootings happened so often in the

niors—my year—were also enjoying the moment as they mingled

United States that death counts became nothing more than new

among their different friend groups; at least that’s what most

statistics and names were just fleeting whispers in solemn prayers

people would probably see. To me, a few of them mirrored the

and heavy hearts. Virginia Tech: 32 deaths after a student opened

same look of confusion that was undoubtedly showing on my

fire. Sandy Hook Elementary: A man murdered his mother before

own face.

shooting 20 children and 6 faculty members.

Then, there were the seniors. Like everyone else, they

Over two thousand miles away from Parkland, in the I heard about Parkland a day after it happened, but

These types of stories became a presence. They

were ecstatic at the unexpected opportunity to be free from the

numbed people, including myself. After hearing about the latest

rest of their second period. A few of the more outgoing ones

one, I would experience the usual initial shock and resulting

were even giving each other piggyback rides. They sprinted past

heartache, but after an appallingly brief amount of time, it was

me to disappear into the massive crowd of students who were

almost too easy to forget about what happened. These types

wandering around and as they sped by me their shrieks joined the

of atrocities, where classrooms become as unsafe as unlit city

sounds of doubled-over laughter and lighthearted conversations

streets, became common, everyday things.

ringing through the aquamarine sky.

In all honesty, it could have been a good day. It could

have even been a beautiful one, but that would only be true if seventeen people weren’t dead and I never wrote that letter.

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A month before the unfair warmth of that late morn-

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‘NOBODY HEARS YOU’ CONTINUED >

it was beating its tiny fists against my ribcage in an attempt

to escape. I played with the sleeves of my sweater, fraying

With the entire’s room attention now directed to-

ward her, Vanya hesitated a little before continuing. “Yeah, it

the fabric even though threads were already unraveling. I

went on as usual. I still had to get up in the morning, bleary-

was really sad. I couldn’t—“

fidgeted in my seat even more as people in the background

eyed and yawning. I still had to make sure my cat had

of the video kept whooping and hollering in an attempt to

fresh water every night as I swished Listerine around in my

The initial tension had eased up a little, and I didn’t have

cheer Gonzalez on. Like me, they probably thought she had

mouth. In the comfort of my own unknowing, things felt as

anything to contribute to the conversation. I didn’t know

just lost her confidence and was undergoing a severe case

normal as they could possibly be.

who Emma Gonzalez was or what she might have done, so

of stage fright.

I allowed my thoughts to continue wandering. Everyone’s

Parkland, and like a hundred times before, I walked around

voices became indistinct background noise until the second

turning it off, Emma Gonzalez finally spoke.

the rectangle of desks to sit down in my usual seat in

bell rang over the intercom, and with its piercing cries, I was

AP Language and Composition. I twiddled my fingers

introduced back into reality.

six minutes and twenty seconds. The shooter has ceased

and fidgeted with my belongings like I usually did as my

shooting and will soon abandon his rifle, blend in with the

classmates trickled into the classroom in their usual friend

she flicked off the fluorescent lights with a quick wave of

students as they escape, and walk free for an hour before

groups. I just pulled out a clean piece of paper and allowed

her hand. “I want to show you guys this YouTube video of

arrest.

my thoughts to wander aimlessly as I silently waited for the

Emma Gonzalez’s speech,” she said as she sauntered back

second bell to ring.

to her seat. “She’s one of the survivors from the Parkland

job.”

shooting.” We were learning how to write rhetorical analysis

assortment of scattered papers and charging laptop. Not

essays, so as she plugged her laptop into the projector, she

before. As Ms. Ruiz disconnected her laptop and began

everyone was present yet, but Ms. Ruiz went on to ask us a

instructed us to pay specific attention to the literary devices

our discussion, I was so taken aback that all I could do was

question anyway: “Did you guys hear about Emma Gonza-

used in the speech.

listen to everyone else speak. I sat there, warmth spreading

lez?”

across my face, and as my twitching hands went still for the

That school week ended, and I went home. Life

beside her. She nodded in agreement. “I watched it too.”

Monday morning came just like it did before

Before it did, our teacher looked up from her

Ms. Ruiz was now standing at the door, and

For the first minute or so, with my mechanical

An iPhone alarm shattered the silence, and after “Since the time that I came out here, it has been

“Fight for your lives before it’s someone else’s The words hit me in a way that words hadn’t ever

pencil balanced between my fingers as graphite hovered

very first time in a long time, I knew what I wanted to do.

classmates. The room was practically silent, and Ms. Ruiz’s

over my paper, I was prepared to write down anything that

mouth was set in a flat line, as it usually was when we didn’t

I noticed. I quickly scribbled down Gonzalez’s use of the

the Parkland shooting, students and schools from all over

participate as much or we weren’t quite meeting her expec-

victims’ names, especially noting her use of pathos in her

the United States were encouraged to participate in a

tations.

descriptions and details.

walk-out protest against gun violence. It was called March

It was the only thing I wrote on that paper.

for Our Lives, and it was intended to be seventeen minutes

first to speak.

For six minutes and twenty seconds, as Emma

long, with each minute being dedicated to one of Parkland’s

Gonzalez stood on that stage with a stone-hard, determined

I shook my head no, mirroring several of my

At this point in the conversation, I tuned out.

From the far corner of the room, Vanya was the “Oh yeah,” she said, her arms folded on top of

each other as she leaned forward in her seat. “I watched the

expression, I squirmed in my seat. I felt my stomach twisting

livestream on Saturday.”

as lone tears slipped past her red, swollen eyes and down

her cheeks. I felt my heart thumping inside of my chest, as if

Samantha, one of her closest friends, was sitting

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March 14 at 10:00 am: exactly one month after

seventeen victims.

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‘NOBODY HEARS YOU’ CONTINUED >

For what could very well be the first time in my

him. I eventually asked him about it during an unrelated

around me like clashing waves, but deep down, there was

meeting, and he told me that he was working on it. I con-

a more unpleasant emotion lurking underneath the surface:

tinued to patiently wait, and as I did, I worked with some of

guilt. I felt like I had failed not only those seventeen people

life, as someone who was taught to always equate silence

my AP Language and Composition classmates and a few

who died at Parkland, but like I also failed all of those other

with good and almost started bawling every single time I

others to organize.

school shooting victims who came before them. I felt like I

got into trouble at school, I decided that it was time for me

failed myself. I kept telling myself that I could have done so

to step over the carefully-drawn line that others had made

bouncing underneath my desk as I repeatedly glanced

much more, that maybe if I had been a little more involved,

for me. It was time for me to step outside of my comfort

toward the clock. I finally gave into my nervousness, and

I could have done better. I could have. I should have. I would

zone to take action. I was a sixteen-year-old girl who

even though it was still a few minutes before ten, I started

have. Those words plagued me for the rest of the year, until

couldn’t even bring herself to say no to the most unreason-

packing up my belongings.

time finally began to heal those feelings and wounds.

able demands, but I still wanted to do something. I wanted

to do some sort of part in creating a safer nation, even

book bag, a piercing, headache-inducing ringing started

a sixteen-year old-girl. I had never actively participated in

it was by doing something as small as involving my own

blaring in my ears. My classmates immediately stood up

my community, much less actually spoken up for myself. I

school, Gallup High, in the upcoming walk-out.

and slung their backpacks over their shoulders, and even

lived in a volatile home that was poisoned with narcissism

I decided to put my writing skills to the test.

March 14th came. I sat in my second period, legs

Just as I was slipping my notebook back into my

The truth is so much more complicated. I was

though the fire alarm’s lights flashed at them from the top

and hostility. I live in a world where one person’s feelings

During my lunch period at school, I went to the library, sat

of the far wall, they were laughing as they poured out of the

and emotions are too small to change a school, let alone a

down in front of a computer, opened a brand-new Google

classroom and joined the rush of students flooding toward

nation. Even now, I know these things and I know that it still

Doc, and began writing a letter to Principal Badillo.

the exits.

took a lot of courage to finally step outside of my comfort

“The reason for this letter is to ask for your

Too bewildered to do anything else, I followed

permission for the students and faculty of Gallup High to

them.

participate if they wish to. This is my personal reason why:

and I hoped that Gallup High and McKinley County hadn’t

“I live in a society where school shootings have

when I think about how I failed the voices of the dead who I hoped that it was a fluke. I crossed my fingers,

seemingly become the norm. I go to school to receive

taken such an underhanded route , but the longer that I

an education, but instead, I [now] find myself constantly

stood under the bright blue sky of that cloudless spring day,

watching others… I shouldn’t be viewing my peers in such a

as I ignored the sounds of laughter and the tears burning at

negative and distrusting manner, yet I can’t help it.

the back of my throat, I knew it wasn’t a fluke.

“We are not simply high school students as of

Later on, after everyone had been instructed to

now; we are young adults, respectfully asking to do our part

go to their third period, Ms. Ruiz confirmed that I was right:

in making a difference in this nation. Please, assist us.”

every single school under McKinley County’s jurisdiction

had been evacuated exactly five minutes before 10:00 am.

After proofreading my letter a few times, I print-

ed it out and delivered it to the office. For an entire month

afterwards, I didn’t hear a single reply. I tried catching him

that so many others would never feel again, it was hard to

in the hallways during my passing periods, but I never saw

breathe. Anger and a strong feeling of being wrong swirled

2021 RED MESA REVIEW | 89

zone, but I still wince when I think of that day. I kick myself

As I stood there, with the warmth of the sun

could no longer speak when I still could.

CONTRIBUTORS KASANDRA ASKAN

ALMANDA BROOKS

Kassandra Askan is a 21-year-old student at UNM-Gallup. She’s currently pursuing an Associate’s degree in Nursing. She enjoys spending time with her 4-year-old daughter. Coming from the Navajo Nation, she moved to New Mexico to further her education. Kassandra is a freshman who enjoys Drawing and cooking to navigate the use of negative and positive space in the environment she resides. Her favorite quote to live by is: “Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.” - Lorenzo Snow (18141901).

Almanda Brooks is a Diné/Bilagáana woman of Window Rock, Arizona. She is married to Shane Littlesinger and together they have a daughter who is six years old. She is the eldest of seven siblings whom were all raised by their single mother Ella and her uncles Murphy, Leonard, and Randall. She is inspired and eternally grateful to her uncles for her upbringing. To honor them and herself, she is working to obtain her degree in Automotive Technology at UNM-Gallup. She is currently employed with NTUA-Choice Wireless as a sales consultant; providing Internet and cell services to her community. She finds fulfillment in helping and setting an example for people around her that they too can succeed with hard work and determination. She enjoys reading, and writing short story essays about her culture and traditions. She was heavily influenced by her 10th grade teacher, Juliana Clayton. Ms. Clayton’s enlightened lessons about U.S history encouraged Brooks to work twice as hard. Her favorite quote to live by is: “Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.” - Lorenzo Snow (1814-1901

CALANDRA BEGAY Calandra Begay, a working student who lives far from a lover but manages to make things work out.

NIKITA BEGAYE-WILLIE Nikita Begaye-Willie is pursing a career in science and pursing the beginning of a career at UNM Gallup Branch in Gallup, New Mexico. She is from Gallup, New Mexico, and currently living in Mexican Springs, New Mexico. She started writing poetry in her freshman year in high school, and it’s been a hobby that she has personally kept to herself until now.

MATTHEW BOLLINGER Originally from Denver, Matthew Bollinger received his BAFA and Master of Architecture from the University of New Mexico and his MFA from the San Francisco Art Institute. Bollinger has exhibited nationally, including at the Lakewood Cultural Arts Center in Colorado, Amarillo Museum of Art in Texas, Augusta Savage Gallery at UMass Amherst in Massachusetts, and Harwood Art Center in New Mexico. He currently lives and works in the American Southwest and is an Assistant Professor of Art and Design at Diné College, a tribally controlled academic institution serving the Navajo Nation.

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ALIZAY CHAVEZ Alizay Chavez has been writing for a few years now. These two pieces are poems she is truly proud of. She is growing as a writer and hopes to change the world one poem at a time.

DIAMOND STAR CALLADITTO Diamond Starr Calladitto is currently a senior at Thoreau High School. She has been studying at UNM with the McKinley Academy Program since August 2020. She is currently working on her Associate’s Degree of Applied Science in General Studies. She plans on attending Arizona Christian University in the fall of 2021 with a scholarship majoring in Sports Psychology and a minor in Bible. Diamond enjoys the outdoors, traveling, and wants to pursue a career in physical therapy.

CONTRIBUTORS GABRIELLA FLISRAM

RAELYNN HERBERT

Gabriella Flisram has competed in many art contests around Gallup. She has gotten awards and money from them, including selling her art around town.

She finds joy and a calming emotion when she produces art and always wants to be in touch with the Reservation. She is now a sophomore at McKinley Academy in Gallup, New Mexico, and wants to enter a career involved in art.

Raelynn Herbert is a former student of UNM-Gallup. This is her first publication.

She is from Naschitti, New Mexico. She was pursuing her nursing degree at UNM-Gallup but due to the pandemic and being a single mother she plans to attend and finish in the future. She is a free-spirited writer and enjoys expressing her opinions. She enjoys cooking, family time, reading, traveling, and the occasional writing.

AJA FRANCISCO Aja Francisco is attending school at the McKinley Academy on the UNM campus. After graduating high school, she will study for an environmental science/ engineering degree. Aja believes that since she is able to see such beautiful animals and beautiful sceneries everyone else should be able to see them too; this inspired her to take photos of nature around her while hiking or jogging.

JUSTIN HOUSE Justin House got his associates in Liberal Arts at UNM-Gallup in 2020. He is currently working on his bachelors at Anderson School of management at UNM main campus. One of his photos was the cover of the 2019 Red Mesa Review edition titled “Knockoff Textile.”

AMANDA GIRALDO

YI-WEN HUANG

Amanda Giraldo was born and raised in Gallup, New Mexico. She earned her Bachelor’s in Business Administration at UNM before serving 8 years in the Army as a medic. This is where she discovered a passion for helping people and is currently a BSN nursing student at UNM-Gallup. What she loves most is spending her free time with her family and traveling.

Yi-Wen Huang is from Taiwan and a Professor of English and Linguistics at UNM-Gallup. She lived and attended universities in New York and Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on language and affect. Her hobbies include zumba, winter hiking, thrift shopping, edm, and traveling as a foodie and tea aficionado. Her poetry has appeared in such publications as The Blue Nib, Aji, and For the Sonorous.

CORINE GONZALEZ Corine Lei Gonzales believes that science and art go hand in hand. While she’s passionate about health science being a medical lab scientist and microbiologist by trade, she also finds delight in all things artsy such as painting, photography, and crafts. Corine has been a college instructor for chemistry and medical lab sciences for roughly 20 years now. She also worked in the clinical laboratory setting during this time. She’s currently the Director for Medical Laboratory Technology Program at UNM-Gallup.

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ETHAN WILLIAM JOINES I am Ethan William Joines. I like to create art with wood as a hobby. My grandpa taught me everything I know about cutting and carving into wood. I stared working on projects with wood by myself in 2017 when I was in 7th grade.

Woodwork is my favorite form of art because it’s more than just painting or drawing on paper; it’s more hands on to me.

CONTRIBUTORS NAUTISHA KEETO

ANDREW V. MCFEATERS

Nautisha Keeto is a sophomore majoring in Biology. With these poems, she hopes to shed light into the daily feelings and thoughts that are enacted upon in, not only in her life, but in other people’s lives as well.

Andrew V. McFeaters is an assistant professor in the English Department at UNM-Gallup. He has published criticism on authors such as James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, and Flann O’Brien. He is a coeditor for, and contributor to, the Cold Hard Type series, anthologies that celebrate the value of typewriters for writing fiction and poetry.

WILHELMINA MARTINEZ Raised in the isolated community of Pine Hill, Wilhelmina Martinez is a 20-yearold Native American. She is currently in school for her bachelor’s in nursing.

Loving her education, she is open to learn anything. English and writing is one of her many outlets she loves to pursue. Her essay shows that the hardest times in life make her stronger and to accomplish as much as her heart desires

ARETHA MATT I am Charcoal Streaked (Division of the Red Running into Water Clan) and born for Towering House. I am the daughter of the late Rose and Johnny Matt, Sr. I come from a small community called Querino Canyon, Arizona. I was born in the summer of 1978 in Gallup, New Mexico, near the Navajo reservation where I was raised. I grew up watering squash and melons, taking in sheep at dusk, listening to stories outside on the front porch of our home with my family of eleven during the cool summer evenings. I saw alcoholism destroy the lives of beautiful people, hauled water and chopped woods, lusted for a life far away from the sullen realities of my life, read novel after novel under the cotton trees, rode in the back of pick-up trucks, created a scarecrow every summer, played softball, volleyball, and basketball just to pass the time, ran for miles in the scorching Arizona heat, ate greasy mutton ribs with fluffy flour tortillas and drank warm Shasta, and wanted desperately to understand my situation as a Dine living in contemporary America. I am currently living in Gallup and have found my place in this world. I teach writing to college freshmen and work to create critically conscious students. I teach students to recognize misrepresentations, biases, and contradictions. I empower my Native students to restore harmony in our indigenous communities through writing. I also spend many hours pondering about the ambiguities in life. I write when I can.

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TOM MCLAREN Tom McLaren is a world traveler and martial artist. He is the administrator of the Facebook Group Southwest Electronic Arts Music.

FLORENTIN SMARANDACHE Florentin Smarandache is a professor of mathematics at the University of New Mexico, Gallup Campus. He got his MSc in Mathematics and Computer Science from the University of Craiova, Romania, PhD in Mathematics from the State University of Kishinev, and Postdoctoral in Applied Mathematics from Okayama University of Sciences, Japan. He is the founder of neutrosophy (generalization of dialectics), neutrosophic set, logic, probability and statistics since 1995 and has published hundreds of papers and books on neutrosophic physics, superluminal and instantaneous physics, unmatter, quantum paradoxes, absolute theory of relativity, redshift and blueshift due to the medium gradient and refraction index besides the Doppler effect, paradoxism, outerart, neutrosophy as a new branch of philosophy, Law of Included Multiple-Middle, multispace and multistructure, hypersoft set, degree of dependence and independence between neutrosophic components, refined neutrosophic set, neutrosophic over-under-off-set, plithogenic set, neutrosophic triplet and duplet structures, quadruple neutrosophic structures, extension of algebraic structures to NeutroAlgebras and AntiAlgebras, Dezert Smarandache Theory and so on to many peer-reviewed international journals and many books and he presented papers and plenary lectures to many international conferences around the world.

In addition, he has published many books of poetry, dramas, children’ stories, translations, essays, a novel, folklore collections, traveling memoirs, and art albums [http://fs.unm.edu/FlorentinSmarandache.htm]

CONTRIBUTORS JOCELYN LYNN SUNG Jocelyn Lynn Sung is a 19-year-old student at UNM-Gallup. She’s currently pursuing a bachelor’s degree in nursing and enjoys writing in her spare time. After spending a majority of her life living in southern California, she moved to New Mexio a little over 3 years ago.

COBIN WILLIE Cobin Willie’s art is based on negative emotions that need to be countered and psychologically redirected to find and solidify personal perseverance and resiliency. Willie believes art, in its most animalistic form, can be used as a therapeutic tool to engage personal unseen and unheard scars that need to be hunted down to see hope’s new horizons. Art has given Willie opportunities to tend to personal invisible wounds in a healthy manner. Willie’s hope is to help others through his art.

MARIAH YAZZIE Mariah Yazzie is a McKinley Academy student at UNM-Gallup in Gallup, New Mexico.

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2021 RED MESA REVIEW