Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater

Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

As I am practicing socially engaged art, this project is constructed as a multi-layered participatory structure that uses practice-based research as the methodology. This project invites participants from within the Southland community who feel marginalised and aims to provide them with a ‘voice’ through my performative art practice. Discrimination and marginalisation are an ongoing issue as social media platforms and tabloids run twenty-four hours a day and promote what is the accepted ‘norm’ and this has an inevitable effect on vulnerable communities. The research process is documented, and the final findings are available on my blog, in addition to being displayed in the form of an exhibition and analysed via my exegesis. My approach to documenting my social practice has been influenced by other contemporary practitioners as well as my method of working with participants to determine through which mediums they prefer to express themselves and therefore becomes a collaboration between myself as the artist, the participant and the audience. The outcome is to create impactful art that evokes empathy and positive awareness of everyday people who experience marginalisation on a daily basis and to celebrate individuality as being beautiful. I want to use art to break down barriers and forge human understanding. Everyone is fighting a battle we cannot always see. So be kind!

Please follow my blog and Facebook page. Feedback will help towards my research. https://www.facebook.com/GayleFclearwater/ https://gayleclearwaterbva3.blogspot.com/ https://wwwtwistedwillowstudio.nz/ https://www.artsteps.com/view/5f558e30c7cc7d464f9f292b - Online Exhibition virtual tour

Documentary black and white photograph of Jerry, Anneka, Kelly, Shauna & Tony who is participating in "Individuality is Beauty" Project. My aim for this style of portrait is for every participant to have same look. So, the audience does not have a preconceived judgement of what their theme maybe, until they see the collaboration of artwork and read their stories.

Acknowledgement I would like to thank SIT and my classmates who have given me feedback to develop and critique my project, the staff that have been an ongoing support with my study, Kathryn McCully for tutoring, mentoring and giving me the encouragement and support for my project. Thank you, Jerry, Anneka, Kelly, Shauna & Tony for participating in my project. I would not have been able to complete my project without all your input and I have gained friendship and understanding that I want to forge a career in social engagement as this is my calling to uplift and bring wellbeing within my art practice and within the community. Thank you to my parents, who have helped me with my projects, with ideas, hands on and problem solving. Thank you to Miharo for allowing me to exhibit my end of year project, Vital Signs for giving me an awesome discount of my printing of my images. This is a collaboration of an entire network. Thank you to the audience as you are the final part of the project collaboration, your feedback is important.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

This project is to give marginalised people within our community a voice and this is their stories.

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Jerry – Asperger’s Syndrome My medical condition is a superpower -Jerry I see the world through my eyes

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Anneka – Anxiety Why can't I Escape? - Anneka The mask to hide from the world

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Kelly – Domestic Violence Love shouldn't hurt! Why me? – Kelly Discovery of one’s true self

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Shauna's Story - Transsexual I might be a woman, But I'm no lady! - Shauna Be you, the world will adjust

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Tony – Amputation What does this mean? - Tony Strong Mind Body Soul

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Jerry – Asperger’s Syndrome My medical condition is a superpower - Jerry My name is Jerry Westaway and I have high-functioning autism, or to be more specific, Asperger’s Syndrome. It’s an invisible disability, it’s not something that is defined physically and people with autism can look like normal people. It’s insulting to think that we are just pretending to have it. My autism allows me to see, hear, think, view, and experience the world differently from the average person, so if you ask me to think differently from that, I can’t help you, I am what I am.

I also study film at a graduate level at the Southern Institute of Technology. I reside in Invercargill for study, but I’m originally from Timaru. Like Greta Thunberg, another person with Asperger’s Syndrome, I see my medical condition as a superpower. It’s also been believed or speculated that people like Albert Einstein and Stanley Kubrick had high-functioning autism, both of whom were underachievers in their early life. If you know me well enough or work with me, I may seem like a normal person for someone with autism a lot of the time, but I still have trouble picking up on some social cues - I can make sarcastic comments and sometimes read the same from others, but other times I can't and tend to take things seriously or personally. I also have trouble joining in a conservation, whenever I try, someone else talks over and I have to wait a while. I have trouble listening while waiting because I don't want to forget what I want to say. I don't bother to interrupt in that situation because when or if I do, no one listens. I also have trouble reading complex emotions from other people.

One of the downsides and upsides to being autistic is that I have sensory issues. Having sensory issues makes me feel, touch, taste, hear, and see the world around me roughly a hundred times more intensely than the average person. Something mundane like a car tooting by or loud crowds can be almost frustrating to process in my mind more so than it would be for an average person and this can lead to a sensory overload, in which I need to go somewhere to avoid these things in order to feel more at peace. This is why I may appear to be anti-social and reclusive, it's not because I don’t like to talk to people and sometimes, I do have difficulty in socialising with people, especially new people, it’s because I feel uncomfortable in that sort of environment. I may also feel cold and warm temperatures much more than other people, the same goes to the taste of food or any type of drink. The upside to having this type of heightened senses allows me to pay more attention to detail when working on stuff.

I do have my good days and bad days. I have trouble keeping my anxieties under control one day, but I do manage to keep it under control on another day. There have been many times in my life where people have underestimated me based on my creative vision, eccentric personality or optimistic views on the world, but overall, I can’t help but feel as though it’s to do with my medical condition at the end of the day, even if it’s not really the case. To this day, I still feel this way when underestimated. I still manage to triumph nevertheless and if I had listened to the cynical and narrow-minded voices in my life that have underestimated me, I would not be here as a successful film student. I find challenges in my life to be like an action movie. I have to reach a goal with a high chance of failure, but I still somehow make it to the end and reach my goal. I try to stay optimistic and always try to do the right thing because it’s good for my mental health.

Sometimes I like to be alone, but other times I don’t, and I feel lonely, and those are times when I need to talk to people. I prefer calling people over texting people because I tend to communicate better that way, it takes too long for me to text what I want to say, I want to hear the reactions to my 3|Page

Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice. words with my own ears, and I get worried that I may have misworded my words. Being an underachiever in primary school and first two years of high school made the teachers believe that I would not amount to anything significant or successful, but I was underachieving because I didn't get the help I deserved, I had no interest in most of the school subjects, and my mind was more interested in filmmaking. What I'm doing now is what I would have liked to do during my childhood.

That's another thing about me, the more I'm interested in something, the more likely I'm going to be focused and be successful, which is why I found many successes in my tertiary education. Having an invisible disability like autism, there was bound to be some prejudice related to my autism. The way of thinking was that an average person can't remember things in detail like I could and so the only plausible reason was that I was an attention seeker making things up. Plus, the idea that I don’t look ‘autistic’, people could bully or assault me without any repercussions, and they would unjustly get away with it scot free. It would be a case of their word against mine.

As a filmmaker, I am meant to communicate emotions and have the audience connect with the characters on screen. This can sometimes be a daunting task to develop characters that seem real and human because I have difficulty expressing emotions or personalities that are not my own and can make it a long process for me when developing a story or screenplay, but sometimes I can manage to create characters from scratch somehow. It’s taken me years to improve on this. What I manage to create passionately and better than characters are stories. I wish there were more people who were more educated and open-minded about autism.

It should be celebrated as something extraordinary, not something that has to be cured like a plague.

Not everything is black and white. Most people tend to know about autism, but don’t understand it enough, enough to know what it is like to be unique or different to others. Like the Think Different Apple commercial in the 90’s ‘those who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do’.

Can’t Sleep Jerry struggles to switch off his mind at night and suffers many sleepless nights. Every sudden noise keeps him at high alert and his imagination also. This image represents the thought patterns of someone suffering with Asperger’s.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

My medical condition is a superpower

In Jerry’s interview, he said he wouldn’t change a thing. Some people see Asperger’s as a disability, Jerry sees Asperger’s as his super power. He embraces it rather than hides from society.

Self-acceptance, this is me!

My name is Jerry, I am a film maker, a son, a brother, an uncle and friend. Get to know me before you judge me! Self-acceptance is a quality of my own strengths and weakness, because I am me, my name is Jerry and I have Asperger’s.

I see the world through my eyes

Don’t stand back and let the world go by, embrace it, don’t let the world move past you, capture it, be with the world as it moves, accomplish it. Go out into the world and be you!

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Anneka – Anxiety Why can't I Escape? - Anneka Why can’t I escape my own head? To the outside world I am an outgoing, funny, empathetic and wise knowledgeable women. On the inside I am a broken little girl doing anything and everything to gain her parents approval and unconditional love.

For a long time, I have worked myself to the bone. Made myself vulnerable and even begged for my parents to treat me right. I needed to be loved nurtured and protected by the people who gave me life. I wasn’t! I was put through numerous lawyers’ visits, psychologists’ assessments and personally invasive doctors’ appointments for no logical or real reason.

My parents split when I was around 2 years old. For the most part of 17 years I was used as a pawn in a very messed up game of tug a war between two very bitter selfish people.

Forever under the spotlight of professionals’ eyes. Always being prompted on what to say by one parent and when I did what they said, I received what I knew then as love or left emotionally unfulfilled by the other, as they chased new relationships or what made them feel and look good to the outside world or as I was manipulated to believe was best for me. I felt I never had a voice I was forever worried I would be punished for not saying the right thing or not behaving in a certain way or god forbid I asked for what I needed.

Stemming from all the uncertainty manipulation and lack of protection from both parents, I developed anxiety. The little voice in my head grew stronger the older I got. The more pressure to please and earn their so-called love, the louder and more aggressive they got.

You’re not good enough! You’re not worth loving! Your parents don’t love you, why would anyone else!

Why couldn’t I escape these voices and why can’t I escape them now!

As I grew older, I started noticing the difference between what I had been taught love was to what unconditional love actually is! Seeing my friend’s parents love them regardless of what they had done good or bad. Their mums and dads forever on their side. As it should be.

They had rules for behaviour. I had rules to earn love. I noticed the little things, my friends’ parents coming to sports or school gatherings, to the child being in trouble and the parents still picking them up regardless of the time or distance. Mine were never there. Mine never protected me. My parents put their pride ahead of the vulnerable broken child. My parents choose to keep hurting each other by using me and my sibling against the other parent.

Why couldn’t you choose what's best for us? Why couldn’t you be the example? Why couldn’t I escape these never-ending rules? why wasn’t I worth the right love?

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Maybe if I got into the top sports teams or maybe if I got better grades and maybe they might come. Maybe if I clean the whole house or cook a yummy meal. Maybe I'll get a hug. Maybe if I say something mean about the other parent, they would be happy. I loved them "more" either way I just wanted to be noticed by them. The voices grew sucking every last ounce of pride and confidence I could muster.

As a 17-year-old girl I had enough of these rules for love and moved into my first flat with the help of my grandparents and aunty. But still the voices grew strong, as if the more I failed at beating the rules was a steroid to their growth. Maybe if I made more money and had nicer things, they'd be proud maybe. If I got a better education, they would tell the friends with pride or maybe they would notice me? I love you mum and dad. Why am I not enough for you to love? Why can I not escape this? Why are the voices ruling my life?

Drugs anything, I could get my hands on. Drugs became my escape. Drugs love me. Drugs make me feel numb to my pain. Drugs filled the whole I had in my soul. Drugs didn't judge or pick at my every wrong doing. Drugs were always there.

I fell pregnant and my constant state of numb came to a screeching halt! That pain! The heartbreak came flying back as if I'd been hit by a bus! The panic attacks started; the voices were louder than ever as if saving their breath for the moments I'd feel them the most.

Leaving the house for maternity appointments that I knew I needed to go to became pretty much impossible. I'd go sweating, stuttering and trembling at the knees because I new that was best for my tiny light growing inside me. As she grew, I knew I had to sort myself out. But the more I tried the harder those voices gripped my every thought and move. You’re too young to have a child! You’re not a going to be a good mum! You’re have no job! You’re single! Your kids gunna be just like you! You don’t know what love is!

My baby girl arrived! I was on cloud nine, this tiny wee human had saved me from drugs, a life of failing and nothing to show for it. However, those voice the ones that had weakened with the love I had for my new baby girl. Had thought of a new strategy to break me! Why wasn’t I worth being protected from the back and forth tit for tat bullshit that was my childhood?

I looked at my baby girl for hours and even now with my youngest and think, how could anyone ever put their pride, ego or even what the world thought of them, ahead of their innocent child? It will never sit right with me, but acceptance is a great thing and through the love of my children, extended family and friends I have learned I am enough! I am worth loving! I am a good person and the voices have now become weak enough that I can talk more shit than them! Convince them that I'm nothing like what they try to convince me to believe! Most days they don’t even bother to stop by and have a say.

My childhood has taken its toll, especially the anxiety! But I vow to my baby’s and family who love me unconditionally (which I am more grateful than I can ever describe or show) to forever fight and overcome those voices and I will be my best version of me because yes anxiety is part of who I am but does not define me!

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

The mask of anxiety The mask Anneka wears, to hide from the world, the trauma and anxiety she carries from her childhood. Anneka wrote the positive affirmations on her mask that she wears. To the outside world Anneka is: outgoing, funny, empathetic, strong, happy, smiling, wise, powerful, positive, loving, an amazing mother.

Inside “real me” she fights an internal battle we cannot see; this comes in the form of anxiety and PTSD. Prolonged emotional abuse, broken little girl, vulnerable, trapped, manipulated, emotionally unfulfilled, sadness, broken family, conditional love, drugs to mask the pain (which is no longer the case), fair of rejection and self-doubt.

Out of the shadows I lost myself in the shadows and I found myself when a tiny light began to grow from within.

After living in the shadows of her parent’s egos and endless custody battles. Anneka’s anxiety grew and dominated her existence, so she began to numb the pain with drugs and fade further into the shadows.

Complexity of Emotions As I grew up my emotions were confusing, messy, complicated and with self-love I have learnt to shine. I have grown! I have evolved! I have learnt I am good enough! I am worth loving!

Once she discovered a tiny light growing within her, she began to fight her battle with anxiety and began to recover from her passed and has become an amazing mother and is focusing on a better future for her and her girls.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Out of Weakness Comes Strength You must accept your weakness to find strength. To be able to walk your own journey, with yourself and learn who you are. Accept living with PTSD and anxiety every day is ok, because I have found my inner strength and I will fight for myself and my girls. “I’m a boss B!T@H”.

The masks to hide from the outside world These masks represent, the emotional trauma Anneka experienced growing up in a toxic custody battle between her parents. Her voice was silenced, and she was not allowed to express her emotions to the outside world.

Warning - Some content may be disturbing to some viewers The artist intentions are to inform the impact of Domestic Violence has on those who are silenced within our communities and not to offend.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Kelly – Domestic Violence Love shouldn't hurt! Why me? - Kelly Love shouldn't hurt!

Love shouldn’t kill you slowly!

Why me?

For 5 years I was trapped in a mentally emotionally abusive relationship which turned physically.

Feeling trapped, suffocated, isolated, drowning for the control he had over me, I put you first always, but for you I was last always, I seen all the signs I chose to not see.

Why me?

I didn’t know how to ask for help.

I didn’t know how to escape.

The trap door was locked tight!

Why me?

What was I doing wrong? I always blamed myself, I shouldn't fight back, I shouldn’t say that, I should just let things go!

I let so much happen because he had a drug addiction, it’s the drugs, it's the drugs, I’ll just help him, I’ll put up with an abusive behaviour because it’s the drugs, it's not him...

I fell for all the crocodile tears over and over his cries for help, but deep down it was his way to control and isolate me for my friends and family He cheated I was to blame because I never gave him attention!

He lied I was to blame cos I didn’t understand.

He stole from me; I was to blame because we never had money.

I couldn’t have friends because they didn’t understand his " love” but deep down it was because they see straight through his bullshit controlling ways, The pain I'd feel every day was killing me slowly, the masks I'd wear to hide my life to hide what was going on behind closed doors, I'd cry every day, asking why me?

Then I'd put on a mask to hide the pain at work, family advents, smiling but bursting with anger, hurt and hate underneath.

Having it affect my kids was pure hatred, the belittling his control over them, became unrealistic. Was I dreaming this?

Why me?

Then came the psychical harm, 3 times, 3 assaults, why does love hurt? love shouldn't hurt!

Having my daughter witness all 3 of these killed me, killed me seeing the hurt, confusion, and hate on her sweet face, seeing her shake with fear, cry with fear and scream with anger.

Your heartless intent of driving towards me with a car with intent to kill me. While my daughter watching, seeing the smirk on his face, black eyes, no soul.

Locking us in our home were we should feel safe, taking our phones so we can’t call for help, putting my head in a bucket of water, feeling I'm going to drown tonight I'm going to die, my last thing I'd hear would be my daughter screaming for help and feeling his hand on my 10 | P a g e

Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

head sent shivers down my spine. Having to have to use a knife against you, cos it was the only way I save us.

Why me?

Love shouldn't hurt!

For a week I made plans to get help, I needed help, not sleeping for 5 days waiting for the next attack, waiting for my next move, not knowing how to get help, not knowing where to go.

Trust your gut instinct, cos mine nearly killed me, being at work knowing and feeling today is the day, driving home I knew today is the day I get a hiding. Sure was!

Why me?

Walking into my home, bang! No were to run, no one to hear my screams and nowhere to escape.

Why me?

Love shouldn’t hurt!

Having him over me, over powering me, pushing me onto bed, placing his cold soul less hands around my throat, screaming at me. “No one hear you scream now bitch!”

Hearing the echo of these words, the noise was so loud it was quite, the ringing in my ears was deafening, seeing the room go dark, feeling my breaths became harder to get, hearing dogs bark, and feeling his body weight was like a truck on top of me, then suddenly the fight stopped I could feel him under my nails from clawing his body, I could feel the life going from my body. Then it stopped.

Why me?

Gasping for air, drowning from air, trying to scream but no noise would come.

Ears ringing, sound was deafening, hearing the name calling “you fat cunt stop faking I and, shut the fuck up!”

Why me?

Then I hear a noise, it was so loud. A car! I run, I escape, I see red, a red car! run run run is all I can do, run run run I scream, a noise finally come out of my mouth. I can hear the sound of running behind me, its him chasing me, screaming at me! Headlight is all I see, when I look back. Is this a dream? A nightmare? A movie?

Why me?

Love shouldn't hurt!

The lights come straight for him, he jumps out of way, all I see is red, a red car, the door opens I get in. I’ve escaped! I’m free! I'm safe!

My daughter my hero. saved my life, police called.

I can’t breathe I can’t breathe all I can do is gasp, everything spinning, moving fast but slow ears ringing the noise was deafening, muffled voices asking if I'm ok, body shaking, chest tight, tears running down my swollen sore face, throat on fire, bruises already showing, Why me?

Love shouldn't hurt!

The aftermath was insane, was completely destroying my soul, months of court appearances, months of questioning my judgement, questioning my integrity, questioning myself. All the 11 | P a g e

Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

why me questions. All the what ifs and should of, could of. You thought you have broken me, destroyed me, it's far from the truth! You made me a survivor. You made me stronger, you made me see I deserve the best, and that best is me!

Because I’m a survivor!

This is goodbye! this is my release, my story. Don’t say sorry for show, to make you look good at court, saying sorry cant mean anything from a monster. My name Kelly and I'm a survivor of domestic violence.

Ask for help, someone will listen, I wish I did.

Suffocation Kelly is a survivor of domestic violence. During her interview Kelly spoke about trying to survive her toxic and abusive relationship. Kelly felt suffocated, drowning, isolated and trapped.

This image represents how she felt and on her final attack when he strangled her.

Listen to Kelly's story on the screen it is very powerful, raw with emotion.

This had a cathartic effect for Kelly.

I’m a survivor!

You thought you have broken me, destroyed me, it's far from the truth! You made me a survivor. You made me stronger, you made me see I deserve the best, and that best is me!

Because I’m a survivor!

This is goodbye! This is my release, my story.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Discovery of one’s true self

This is the last time you put your hands on me!

The bruising you left behind scared me deeper than I ever expected. I am free from your abuse and I can now breathe a sigh of relief. You will never have a hold over me again. I am a survivor! I am free!

Dance to Freedom Kelly's story and art collaboration were very emotional for the both of us. Kelly felt this was a freeing experience. This image represents how she felt after he was sentenced and she could finally move forward. As she danced around the studio Love shouldn't hurt! Why me?

View Kelly's story on the screen.

The film is very powerful, raw with emotion.

Viewers discretion advised.

Some content may be disturbing to viewers.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Shauna's Story – Transsexual I might be a woman, But I'm no lady! – Shauna The Journey from me to ME! What you see is what you get!

I knew I was different since I was 8 years old. I didn’t know at the point I was transgender/transsexual; all I knew is I was in a male’s body but I felt like I was meant to be a girl and what society taught us at that time was that wasn’t right so I tried to live my life as the person I was told I was meant to be (a boy), by the time I got to intermediate school, I was still questioning myself. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? as I was attracted to women also, who am I meant to be? In 2004 I came out to my daughter’s mum, my partner at the time about how I was attracted to men, so I spent the next few years trying to live my life as bisexual because I was still presenting as a male on the outside but the more I tried live like that the more it just didn’t feel right to me.

In 2013 I spent a lot of time internally processing things to discover who I really am because the life I was living still didn’t feel right to me, it wasn’t my sexuality that didn’t feel right but it was something else that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. So I began talking to some of my friends about what I was feeling they suggested that maybe I’m transgender/transsexual, after looking into it and reading all the information I could find on transgender/transsexual people it was like a light bulb went off inside my head and I realised that fuck I am woman!, what do I do now? so I spent the next couple of years processing/understanding it all and in late 2015 I came out to everyone close to me as the person I am today and I haven’t looked back since.

Now that I look back at my life through the eyes of the person I am now, everything throughout my life all the feelings, thoughts and even the way I acted as a child makes sense and points to who I am, for just one example during school performances I was happy playing the woman’s part and dressing up as a woman I felt comfortable, but never understood why, but that also doesn’t mean that it’s the same for everyone who likes doing that because we all like to do things for all kinds of different reasons, it just happens to be what it was in my case.

From the moment we are born into this world we are labelled as either male or female based on our genitalia, we are assigned at birth but just because we are assigned one particular gender at birth does not mean we identify as that gender. Physically we might appear to be the gender we are given because of our genitalia, but that is not always the case because even though we may look male or female our identity of self is different so in my case I was assigned male at birth because of the genitalia I had but that was not the case because my internal/self-identity as a person is female, an easy way to explain it is it’s to do with the chemistry or makeup of my brain even though I may have appeared to be a male on the outside everything else about was and is female, in short my brain is wired the same way as

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

any cis gender female (cis gender means the person identifies as the gender they were assigned at birth).

For me going through puberty was a “mind fuck” because as my body started to develop into the male that I was taught/told I was meant to be, but because I felt inside that it wasn’t meant be happening that way and I ended up suffering from anxiety etc because of it. If I could go back in time and talk to the child I was growing going through all this I would tell them that it’s ok what they’re going through not to be ashamed or feel like what their feeling about it is bad and most of all I would tell them that it was ok to feel the way you do. Now in saying that I also wouldn’t change a thing about what I went through in my past because it has all helped me to become the person I am today, It has given me empathy towards people but the biggest thing I have learnt from my journey is how important unconditional love is because I had to learn to love myself for who I am. I now love everything about who I am as a person both inside and out, I now days jokingly refer to myself as the rainbow grunge; because I identify as a rock chic because leather jackets, jeans, t-shirt and boots are my go-to clothing. Live your truth and stop trying to live life to other people’s expectations of who or what they think you should be because you know who you’re meant to as a person.

My advice to anyone who is thinking about if transitioning is the thing that you need to do would be to take your time and don’t rush. Do your research and make sure this is the right thing for you.

I now days identify as a Pan sexual; which means I am attracted to the person not their gender because it’s about the connection I feel with the person that is important not what their body parts are, as friend of mine puts it it’s about the person not the parts that they have that is attractive to me.

One thing I will say is never ever refer to a transgender person as IT! because we aren’t freaks or weirdos, get to know us we are human just like everyone else.

I have been very lucky when my parents and family because they are accepting and have supported my transition and love me just for me so I consider myself to be very blessed in that but it hasn’t always been a bed of roses because I have been verbally abused by people at times when I’ve been out with my friends. I now dedicate my life to helping people understand about what it means to be a transgender/transsexual person so the next generation can be open about who they are and not feel bad or ashamed of who they are and also so the whole LGBTQIA+ community can live their life to their true identity and not discriminated against because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. If the likes Georgina Beyer and Carmen Rupe hadn’t of stood proud, we would have never been accepted.

What I want the world to be is kind and have empathy towards people and it’s our time to shine and stop hiding in the shadows.

There have been several studies confirming that transgender brains a similar to the gender they identify with rather than their gender they were assigned at birth. “Between the 15 | P a g e

Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

(Gender) Lines: the Science of Transgender Identity by Katherine J. Wu figures by Brad Wierbowski” http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2016/gender-lines-science-transgenderidentity/

Be you, the world will adjust

Live your truth and stop trying to live life to other people’s expectations of who or what they think you should be. Because you know who you’re meant to as a person. I want the world to be is kind and have empathy towards people Love your Skin You’re in Freedom comes from within.

Self-discovery is part of life’s journey to self-acceptance.

Focus on your positives and ignore the outside influences, who try to dictate how you should live YOUR life.

I might be a woman, But I'm no lady!

I had to learn to love myself for who I am. I now love everything about who I am as a person both inside and out, I now days jokingly refer to myself as the rainbow grunge; because I identify as a rock chic because leather jackets, jeans, t-shirt and boots are my go-to clothing.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Stepping Out What I want the world to be is kind and have empathy towards people and it’s our time to shine and stop hiding in the shadows.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Tony – Amputation What does this mean? - Tony This suck, it doesn't feel right and hurts like bloody hell. It feels weird and really heavy I feel like a cripple. Everyone is going to know. How the hell did this happen and why me? I am only 20 years old. I am so angry I just want to smash this room up, put my fist through the walls and window! But all I can do is cry. I AM SO ANGRY. On a cold and grey morning in May 1989 I went for a run like I did every other morning but this time it felt different. Part way through I noticed a niggle in my ankle but typical of my generation where the prevailing attitude was "No pain, no gain", I kept going.

Over the ensuing four weeks what initially was an annoying pain had now graduated to the point where it was ever present, 24/7, and alternated between feeling like being hit with a hammer to someone sticking a burning hot poker into my lower shin. Yeah, the pain had become more prominent and had spread. Needless to say, running was definitely out for the time being.

My doctor put it down to "growing pains" when my x-ray came back clear. Working as a bank teller meant standing all day, being told this was not what I wanted to hear.

After another 6 weeks of "No pain no gain" I was back at my doctor’s office. It was deja vu, Groundhog Day, same sh.t different day. X-rays came back clear but this time the doctor determined that I must have a hairline fracture which would not be picked up with the technology of that time.

So, I was placed in a cast which I was to wear for two months.

Initially the stability offered with the cast alleviated a lot of pain. I felt incredibly tired however but put this down to the extra effort required when using crutches. I actually fell asleep on the bus ride back from work and ended up missing my stop. That wasn't a great experience as it meant "walking" an extra mile to my home. If it happened today, I would have called someone on my flash I-phone!

To be honest I became so tired that I would go to bed after tea on a Friday night and sleep all weekend, have tea on Sunday and back to work Monday. This became my routine.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was at the hospital getting my cast removed, I had been looking forward to this for ever. My relief and anticipation quickly faded when upon being x-rayed to check bones had healed it was found I had two clear fractures. I didn't understand this.......firstly why x-ray a hairline fracture that you never saw previously and secondly how the hell could something now be clearly visible (fractures), especially after I spent two crappy months in plaster? The outcome was to place me in a fibreglass cast which was expensive and a very new treatment option. I wasn't happy but what else could I do?

So I had my sentence on crutches extended another two months. I felt like a prisoner appearing before the parole board and getting "slammed" with more time to serve!

Work, sleep, work, sleep, work and sleep. Why am I so tired? Friends would visit during the week and in weekends and I would inevitably be asleep. They were mortified that someone could sleep a whole weekend. I had no social life and to be honest didn't have the zest to sustain one. My confidence was being eroded along with my energy. I was becoming depressed, depressed at my

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice. situation, depressed that I was losing weight, depressed that I thought this was in my mind............depressed.

It was now December and the vibration saw was applied to my cast and it was soon opened. I was shocked at how thin my leg had become. Lack of use had caused muscle atrophy and loss of weight had also taken its toll. The customary x-ray was next. I was soon back in the consultation room and initially didn't think much of the increasing number of white coats that where coming to view someone’s x-ray. Little did I know that that someone was ME! Apparently, my fractures had not healed and now there were more. My heart sank. "What's wrong with me?", I asked myself. The registrar arranged for me to have a biopsy so they could take a sample of tissue and investigate the possibility of infection. I was happy to oblige. To me it was time off work and would give me a chance to rest.

Little did I know this was a turning point in my life. Upon coming out of surgery I was enduring the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. I wanted my leg to be taken off I was in so much agony, even though being given morphine. The pain only got worse as I sobered up from the anaesthetic. The following day I was shocked at the huge amount of bandaging around my whole leg, not just my shin as I expected.

The registrar came into my room late morning. He said something I will never forget.

"Tony, we found something that concerns us. Your lower leg bone had the consistency of sand and pulp. We are not sure what we are dealing with as none of us have seen this before. We have arranged for samples to send be to Paris and Sydney for diagnosis however we feel that this is a malignant tumour".

I asked, “What does that mean?". ” Cancer” came the answer. That word hit me like a sledge hammer and echoed in my head. I started to cry.

My mum came to visit not long after. I shared this with her. She laughed as I was a practical joker by nature. Tears streamed down my face and she knew I wasn't joking.

The following weeks seemed to take forever. I was constantly asking myself "am I going to die".

Every day I would phone to see if the results had come back from overseas. Ironically the thing that I couldn't stop doing once was now evading me.....sleep. My bandages had since been removed however there was extensive deep bruising from my toes to the top of my thigh. I was able to stand with the aid of crutches for up to half an hour before the pressure of swelling became too much to bear.

Then it happened. The call came through from the hospital. I met with the surgeon of my biopsy who confirmed I had Chondrosarcoma. An aggressive bone cancer. I was devastated I had so many emotions going through me. Maybe they had made a mistake, maybe the results are someone else's? But the reality was the results were mine.

The only treatment available for this disease was amputation. The choice I had was keep it (leg) and die or loose it and live (at least 5 years). It felt crazy. I wanted someone else to make the choice for me......I wanted this to go away.

Amputation was scheduled for February 5th 1990.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

I was admitted to hospital the day before. I felt like a piece of meat when it came to the pre surgery "check list". I was weighed, had blood tests, height taken and tagged (identification and hospital number). A nurse came in to measure my right leg I asked him why he was doing this he replied that they need to find the right size circulation sock for post-surgery. It was all becoming real. I asked for a sedative that night.....it didn't work. I went to the TV room and met a Road Knight gang member that had broken both his legs in a bike accident. He taught me to play backgammon and out of compassion for my situation kept me company reassuring me that things will be OK! Morning came. I was told to wash my left leg with iodine when showering. Apparently, this helps prevent infection. I started to do this and was overcome with emotion. It felt like I was washing away something that has been part of me since birth. I fell to my knees and wept uncontrollably. The realness of what was about to happen just hit.

I changed into a surgical gown and was given a pre-med injection. It took the "edge" off.

I had already decided that I will be walking to the operating room and nothing was going to stop me.

The registrar was called, and a big fuss made that no one had ever done that before and it was against protocol.

My response, "F..k your protocol".

Walking with a portable drip in tow I embarked on my two ward journey from the orthopaedic ward to the Operating Room ( O.R.). Not long into my trek each step made me want to throw up, the pain was evil. I wasn't giving in.

"This is the last time you will ever walk with your own legs mate", I kept telling myself Finally, I made it through the O.R doors and dropped on the awaiting bed.

Anaesthetic was administered. I was asked to count backward.

"10, 9, 8......", I don't remember getting to 7?

I awoke and with my eyes closed and remember thinking "They haven't taken it off, I can feel it, it must of been a mistake!"

I opened my eyes and had something appearing circular framed keeping sheets and blankets off my torso and legs...or so I thought.

Lifting the blankets and looking down I could see it was gone. I pulled the blankets down more and became aware my dad was sitting silently in the corner.

"Look dad it's not too bad aye!" as I showed him my bandaged stump.

Tears fell from his eyes and he left the room.

There wasn't much time to rest. The following day a physio got me out of bed and ordered me to "walk" using crutches. Any empathy and caring that I thought I was entitled to went straight out the door!

I was soon home. I felt lonely and isolated and struggled emotionally and mentally to accept the changes in my life.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Within 6 weeks I was fitted with an artificial limb and started on my rehabilitation, learning how to walk again.

I was encouraged to build up the length of time I could wear "the leg" and slowly increase my walking distance in addition to how to take care for my stump. Before long I was back in Invercargill.

The prosthesis felt foreign and I hated it. It was heavy and hard to use. I was worried about what people would say and think when they saw me try to walk. I was also carrying a lot of shame, shame that my body had had cancer living in it. I felt dirty and disgusting. I hated myself and thought I was UGLY. The ensuing years saw me build up strength, endurance and fitness. More importantly I was able to grieve, accept what had happened and gain strength from my experience.

As a cancer survivor I am incredibly blessed in so many ways. God has given me two awesome children and I am soon to become a grandparent. Life doesn't always proceed the way we plan.

When things seem insurmountable, I take solace in the following: Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV) 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have a future and praise GOD for this.

Inner Strength When talking to Tony in his interview, it was apparent how determined Tony is and has not allowed his amputation to slow him down. Tony experienced mixed emotions and had to overcome the grieving the loss of his leg. Tony’s leg was amputated at the young age of 20.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Rebuild After Tony lost his leg to bone cancer. This image represents the process Tony went through to rebuild his life after the life he knew crumbled around him.

Strong Mind Body Soul

After spending time with Tony, he’s an inspiration to us all. The importance of keeping your physical and mental health in check, is important for a strong mind, body and soul.

The enduring years saw me build up strength, endurance and fitness.

What does this mean?

Tony has a positive outlook on life and talking to Tony he empowers you to live your best life.

I was able to grieve, accept what had happened and gain strength from my experience. Life doesn’t always go to plan.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Chondrosarcoma Dedifferentiated

This sculpture represents the rare bone cancer Tony was diagnosed with in his 20’s. The rusty barbed wire represents the cancer which was in Tony’s tibia.

Prostheses

The image on the left is Tony’s prosthetic leg and the one on the right is the sculptor I created. I want people to realise there is beauty in your uniqueness and Tony is an advocate and is more active than most people.

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Individuality is Beauty – Socially Engaged Art Project by Gayle Clearwater A collaboration between artist, participant & audience: Giving marginalised communities a voice.

Individuality is Beauty Socially engaged collaboration between the artist, participant and the spectator • • •

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As the artist is a practicing socially engaged art. This project is constructed of multilayered participatory structure that used practice-based research as the methodology.

This project allows participants from within our community who feel marginalised a voice.

Discrimination and marginalisation are an ongoing issue as social media platforms and tabloids run 24 hours and promote what is the accepted “norm” and the effect this has on vulnerable communities.

The research process is documented, and the final findings will be available on my blog in addition to being displayed at an end of year in the form of an exegesis and exhibition.

This will be of written and visual works.

The aesthetics are based on contemporary artworks creating a juxtaposition with diverse media and is determined by each participant and is a collaboration between the artist and the participant.

The outcome is to create art that evokes empathy and positive awareness of everyday people experience everyday marginalisation and to celebrate individuality as being beautiful and an impact on the spectator.

I want to use art to break down barriers and forge human understanding. Everyone is fighting a battle we cannot always see. So be kind!

This project will continue after I finish my study. As I want to help people find their voices and if the process of art and documentation of storytelling can have a cathartic effective for everyone involved and create empathy, well this is my drive as an artist.

If you are interested in being part of this ongoing project, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Gayle Clearwater Phone 027 8787729 gayleclearwater@gmail.com.

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