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Petr Doležal, Travisty’s leading food critic, enlightens you with an insight into Cambridge’s cuisine

Our renowned food specialist, Petr Doležal, brings you suggestions on where to have a dinner on Valentine's Day, if you want to avoid the loving-couplefilled restaurants of Cambridge. All this, based on why you’re actually alone on Valentine's Day.

You’re not fit enough to attract a partner

If you identify this as your main problem, the perfect menu for you is served at La Pergola Restaurant, Harlton. After only a seven-mile-long run from central Cambridge, you can admire the splendid selection of locally grown vegetables, herbs, and salads. If you also make a reservation, congratulations: your run just became a time trial.

You’re too fit to attract a partner

Maybe you have the opposite problem, people won’t date you because they think they could never deserve your perfect body. If you suspect this might be the case I have the perfect Valentine’s Day meal recommendation for you. Try the luxurious Rose Crescent McDonald’s Restaurant, specifically: The Burger Barrage (the collection of all twenty-five burgers on the menu) which pairs well with The Large Milkshake Quartet (from chocolate to banana). Repeat twice a week and believe me, for next year’s Valentine’s Day, your perfect body won’t be a problem anymore.

You’re a rower and can’t find a partner

Are you sure you are actually alone on Valentine’s Day? That can’t be true. Isn’t rowing suppose to be a great way to exercise, as well as a rich supply of incredible social life? Just to be sure, can you quickly check your corridor, your shower and your gyp in case a large quantity of dating partners secretly awaits you there? No? What about the inside of your wardrobe? No fanboy/fangirl hidden in there to spend your Valentine’s Day with you? Really? I find that hard to believe. Maybe you need to be more vocal about the fact that you’re a boatie. Well, whatever the rare reason for your loneliness is, you can fix it by spending the evening with the one true love of yours: the river.

I recommend ordering the wonderful protein-loaded Spit-Roasted Chicken with Kale & Cauliflower Couscous Salad at The Plough, Fen Ditton and spending the evening buried in nostalgic memories of all the great Bumps races you’ve rowed in and wondering how the next Bumps will go.

Nobody is good enough to date you

Of course, we all feel for you; this is a hard problem to overcome. For your Valentine’s Day meal, I recommend the Butter-on-a-slice-of-toast in the wonderful setting of Alone-in-yourroom. This way you can enjoy a literally perfect meal prepared with love by the best chef in the world in the company of the best person you know.

You don’t want to be part of the mainstream

If you love the feeling of going against the crowd, I actually recommend you go into one of the standard Cambridge restaurants. Nothing will thrill hipster you more than being the only single person in the sea of couples. To enhance that feeling, I particularly recommend ordering the Mixed Leaf Salad with House Dressing at The Cambridge Chop House. If you order it loudly enough, the attention you will get from the waiters and the meat munching people around you will bring you enough satisfaction to last you for a month (that is likely an overestimate: probably just a few days). Just make sure you ask for it to be well done.

You have a deadline due the next day

That doesn’t mean you still can’t enjoy a fancy dinner on Valentine’s Day. For you, I’d recommend trying some thing Italian. My personal favourite is Panini Al Tonno with Biscotti Al Cioccolato paired with Doppio Caffè Macchiato in the great environment of the glorious Trinity College Bar.

You’re in a long distance relationship

Whether your partner is at another uni, on a year abroad, or in Girton, you can still enjoy this special day in style. First, buy a nice bottle of wine from Cambridge Wine Merchants, and second, either get a takeaway at The Hot Sausage Company or buy lots of different fruits and vegetables in Sainsbury’s. The first is there to make you relaxed and in the mood, the second to provide inspiration for the subsequent phone sex.

Other reasons

No matter whether you’re alone on Valentine’s Day due to an aforementioned reason or something else completely, there is one place where you’ll always find happiness: the Trinity College Hall will give refuge to any lonely soul. Under the eyes of the greatest virgin of all times, Sir Isaac Newton, you can happily feast on Trinity’s amazing Potato Dish Plus on the evening of February 14th, you could finally discover whether the Chips are the thin ones or the thick ones. And if that isn’t something worth not having a date (or ditching you partner last minute) for, then I don’t know what is.