hoW to

Get A To First

Harry Metrebian helps you get where you want in life

Trinity is known for its high levels of success in exams, but not so much in the romantic department. For some reason, the editors thought that I was the person best suited to try and change this, despite the fact that I am a Mathmo, and, unsurprisingly, single. So, here’s my list of top tips for finding true love—because a kiss always leads to a long-lasting relationship.

Do turn up to lectures. There are a lot of people there, and the chances are that you will like one of them. Whether any of them like you is another matter.

Do row. This is a fantastic way to meet new people, and you get used to the early mornings.

Do go clubbing, but turn up sober and just act drunk. You’ll feel much better in the morning—this is very important if you’ve followed my previous tip—and if you manage to pull, you’ll remember it and won’t just have to rely on other people’s candid photos.

Do be eccentric. People will notice you, which can’t be a bad thing, and other eccentric people might even be attracted to you. Spend a couple of days coming up with a character: changes in hairstyle, accent, height and age are highly recommended. Stay in that character 24/7 so that you forget how to be normal (if you ever were). Your friends (if you ever had any) will probably stop talking to you, but that’s just a side effect and it will be outweighed by the long-term benefits.

Do write for Travisty. This probably won’t help you in your attempts to get to first—it’s just something you should do at some point in your life.

Do not do maths, and if you do, don’t admit that you do. When you’ve just met someone in Life, and you’re striking up a good conversation about your shared love for Smash Mouth, “I do maths” is the second worst thing you could possibly say—it’s even worse than “I do Media Studies at ARU”. If you are unfortunate enough to be a Mathmo, make sure to have a subject that you can claim to do whenever you find yourself in this situation.

Do not actually row. “Did I tell you I row?” is the only phrase that’s a bigger turn-off than “I do maths”.

Do not join lots of clubs and societies. You need to leave some free time for your love life.

Do not turn up to a bop wearing a cardboard shark fin on your back. Especially a joint bop with Medwards at Cindies, as has happened in the past.

Do not use dating apps. Two reasons for this: firstly, you can’t kiss anyone online, and secondly, you won’t need dating apps if you’ve followed all my other tips.

va L entine’s day for the finanCia LLy resPonsibL e

Arjun Banwait, resident financial adviser, draws up your expenses

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, you may be panicking about how you’re going to cover the costs whilst following the budget from our last issue. Fear not! We’ve put together three guides for your perfect date, no matter if you’re a single pringle or a committed… person.

Option one (if you can find a date):

New outfit

Horse and carriage

Room for two in the Hilton

Bottle of Bollinger

Private firework display

Michelin star chef (lobster not included)

Total: £38,825–40,825

Option two (if you can find a friend):

Total: £63.78

Option three (if you are alone):

Total: £23.99