#3
TR AVISTY
floreat pica
TREE FALLS ON BACKS DID IT MAKE A SOUND? ASKS COLLEGE
It is with a heavy heart that Travisty announces the passing of a beloved part of the fabric of college. One of the trees on the north edge of the North Paddock, around half way along, was tragically felled last week by the unrelenting gusts of Storm Doris. A stalwart guardian, a first line of defence against St John’s, the tree had stood on our side of the moat since time immemorial. In between’st the ranks of its siblings we now face a hollow space, a negative tree, formed from the branches of its neighbours with
which it once intertwined, now reaching for phantom limbs. Not since Bake Off ended has a loss been so keenly felt. Travisty stepped out into the cold the day after the storm, a pilgrimage to the Backs to pay our final respects. The air held eerily still as if in apology, the wind—a child after a tantrum—now spent. In place of her rage she feels only guilt, confronted with what she has wrought. Rightly so, each member of our funereal procession silently fumed, as we gazed a final time over the knotty bark.
Concerned for the welfare of the remaining trees, the College Council has deployed a team of hippies to comfort the surviving trees on the North Paddock. Fellow Dr Ewan Brown told Travisty that the Fellowship had been looking for an excuse to let the hippies out of the cellars, where they have been imprisoned since the sixties.
The incursion of a tree trunk onto the North Paddock is a particularly unwelcome sight for Michael Askins, captain of the Trinity College 1st Croquet Team. Askins and his predecessors have for years been lobbying the College Council to reopen the North Paddock for use as a croquet green, and had recently heard some promising sentiments from the Fellowship. “The decline of croquet in this college is a tragedy. It is truly a shame to see the North Paddock be home to no more than goose shit and fireworks at that godawful Ball.” opined one Fellow, who wished to remain anonymous. It had seemed likely that the college would support Trinity’s croquaissance, as some have affectionately termed it, even going so far as to pledge to buy new mallets for the students. But the felling of the tree has muddied the administrative waters, and newly strengthened access restrictions have Askins worried. “Clearly the college is reneging on one of its fundamental obligations, to provide students with not only adequate but abundant space to fool around with sticks and balls.” Askins told Travisty. “Good luck at the Christchurch match.” said Travisty, to no response. Travisty hopes to bring you more on the burgeoning Trinity croquet scene as it continues to burgeon.
The Fellowship is, in a word, enraged. Hearing that the fabric of college was under threat, they immediately activated an ancient statute—written in the time of King’s Hall—that prepares the College for war. The immediate effect of this was to relocate the archers (only one remains on
the payroll) and scramble the fleet of drones acquired through Trinity’s stake in BAE Systems. When informed that it was Storm Doris responsible for the damages, elderly Fellow Dr Greenwood demanded she be brought before the Dean to be disciplined. Dr Hardwood is ninety-six, so no-one argued.
STUDENT SENT DOWN FOR STEALING WEEK FIVE CHOCOLATE The loss of the tree has affected everyone in their own way, but for one student it proved one hardship too much to bear. Weak in the aftermath of Week Five, second year Trinity engineer Forrest Hardwood snapped, and committed that most egregious of college sins—stealing Week Five chocolate from someone else’s pigeonhole. Some argue, seeing as he did it in full view of a porter, that it was an intentional act of rebellion, or a cry for help, but in this newspaper’s mind there is no excuse sympathetic enough, and no cause worthy enough to warrant such a heinous action. The porter immediately took his name, and within the hour the summons came; by the end of the
GREAT COURT SNIPER RELOCATED
The Great Court Sniper Hazel Ashley, who for three centuries now has perched atop Queens’ Gate ready to pick off any tourists who stray onto the grass, has been temporarily relocated to the roof of the Wren Library. Hazel knows the Wren rooftop well, having been stationed there at every May Ball to neutralise any interlopers crossing the moat from John’s. “I guess the Fellows are really worried about the safety of the trees. They take this whole ‘fabric of the college’ malarkey really seriously, I’m supposed to protect them at all costs.” she told Travisty, hefting her antique longbow.
Major Setback For College Croquet Team
day the Dean’s committee had unanimously ruled to send him down. He was allowed until the end of brunch to gather his things. Week Five chocolate is one of the cornerstones of college life, a sacred ritual that keeps students sane and elevates Welfare Officers to godlike adulation. This action from the Dean is heartening news, as a College that protects our chocolate is truly a College that protects us.
Hippies sent in to hug survivors
DORIS SUMMONED TO DEAN’S OFFICE