Travisty 3 (#68) by Travisty

TR AVISTY

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TREE FALLS ON BACKS DID IT MAKE A SOUND? ASKS COLLEGE

It is with a heavy heart that Travisty announces the passing of a beloved part of the fabric of college. One of the trees on the north edge of the North Paddock, around half way along, was tragically felled last week by the unrelenting gusts of Storm Doris. A stalwart guardian, a first line of defence against St John’s, the tree had stood on our side of the moat since time immemorial. In between’st the ranks of its siblings we now face a hollow space, a negative tree, formed from the branches of its neighbours with

which it once intertwined, now reaching for phantom limbs. Not since Bake Off ended has a loss been so keenly felt. Travisty stepped out into the cold the day after the storm, a pilgrimage to the Backs to pay our final respects. The air held eerily still as if in apology, the wind—a child after a tantrum—now spent. In place of her rage she feels only guilt, confronted with what she has wrought. Rightly so, each member of our funereal procession silently fumed, as we gazed a final time over the knotty bark.

Concerned for the welfare of the remaining trees, the College Council has deployed a team of hippies to comfort the surviving trees on the North Paddock. Fellow Dr Ewan Brown told Travisty that the Fellowship had been looking for an excuse to let the hippies out of the cellars, where they have been imprisoned since the sixties.

The incursion of a tree trunk onto the North Paddock is a particularly unwelcome sight for Michael Askins, captain of the Trinity College 1st Croquet Team. Askins and his predecessors have for years been lobbying the College Council to reopen the North Paddock for use as a croquet green, and had recently heard some promising sentiments from the Fellowship. “The decline of croquet in this college is a tragedy. It is truly a shame to see the North Paddock be home to no more than goose shit and fireworks at that godawful Ball.” opined one Fellow, who wished to remain anonymous. It had seemed likely that the college would support Trinity’s croquaissance, as some have affectionately termed it, even going so far as to pledge to buy new mallets for the students. But the felling of the tree has muddied the administrative waters, and newly strengthened access restrictions have Askins worried. “Clearly the college is reneging on one of its fundamental obligations, to provide students with not only adequate but abundant space to fool around with sticks and balls.” Askins told Travisty. “Good luck at the Christchurch match.” said Travisty, to no response. Travisty hopes to bring you more on the burgeoning Trinity croquet scene as it continues to burgeon.

The Fellowship is, in a word, enraged. Hearing that the fabric of college was under threat, they immediately activated an ancient statute—written in the time of King’s Hall—that prepares the College for war. The immediate effect of this was to relocate the archers (only one remains on

the payroll) and scramble the fleet of drones acquired through Trinity’s stake in BAE Systems. When informed that it was Storm Doris responsible for the damages, elderly Fellow Dr Greenwood demanded she be brought before the Dean to be disciplined. Dr Hardwood is ninety-six, so no-one argued.

STUDENT SENT DOWN FOR STEALING WEEK FIVE CHOCOLATE The loss of the tree has affected everyone in their own way, but for one student it proved one hardship too much to bear. Weak in the aftermath of Week Five, second year Trinity engineer Forrest Hardwood snapped, and committed that most egregious of college sins—stealing Week Five chocolate from someone else’s pigeonhole. Some argue, seeing as he did it in full view of a porter, that it was an intentional act of rebellion, or a cry for help, but in this newspaper’s mind there is no excuse sympathetic enough, and no cause worthy enough to warrant such a heinous action. The porter immediately took his name, and within the hour the summons came; by the end of the

GREAT COURT SNIPER RELOCATED

The Great Court Sniper Hazel Ashley, who for three centuries now has perched atop Queens’ Gate ready to pick off any tourists who stray onto the grass, has been temporarily relocated to the roof of the Wren Library. Hazel knows the Wren rooftop well, having been stationed there at every May Ball to neutralise any interlopers crossing the moat from John’s. “I guess the Fellows are really worried about the safety of the trees. They take this whole ‘fabric of the college’ malarkey really seriously, I’m supposed to protect them at all costs.” she told Travisty, hefting her antique longbow.

Major Setback For College Croquet Team

day the Dean’s committee had unanimously ruled to send him down. He was allowed until the end of brunch to gather his things. Week Five chocolate is one of the cornerstones of college life, a sacred ritual that keeps students sane and elevates Welfare Officers to godlike adulation. This action from the Dean is heartening news, as a College that protects our chocolate is truly a College that protects us.

Hippies sent in to hug survivors

DORIS SUMMONED TO DEAN’S OFFICE

TRAVISTY

Letter from the Editors

Contents

Kitty leaves Jovan in charge, foolishly Jovan Powar Kate Pfeffer

Jovan Powar

cover story 2

itty has left for New Zealand. She is presumably somewhere on a plane right now, cackling maniacally, knowing I have gotten to the last piece of formatting in this issue (this letter) to find she has left me no guidance as to what she wants to talk about. Right now, all I can think of is Didone fonts and swatches, so this will be brief.

Letter from the Editors poetry

Toby Henley-Smith

Readers

Letters to the Editors

Kate Pfeffer

cocktail of the week

Kate Pfeffer

Best Picture

James Riseley

Mina Frost

Idioms

Nicholas Wong

Dunlevie Application

Fiona

Nigella’s Coming

Muhammad Manji

You shall go to the Ball!

Muhammad Manji

Coping with Week Five

Toby Henley-Smith, stranger

An Email for the President

Toby Henley-Smith

Jovan Powar

Week Five

This issue is long. The longest we’ve had this term, probably, I don’t know. Check out the contents to find out exactly how long (to the left). We’ve finally got the conclusion to the serialised slash fiction James has been writing, flick ahead to find out exactly how graphic Harry and Draco’s escapades get. We’ve got a couple really interesting real-world features for you this week, Nick Wong’s first draft for his Dunlevie application, and a real email Toby got at the TCSU President email account, and his response. Funny stuff. Almost makes up for there having been no Magpie for weeks.

Muhammad Manji makes his writing debut with a lovely—and somewhat ironic—guide to how to go to the May Ball on the cheap. If you don’t know why that’s ironic, you don’t know Muhammad, good for you.

fiction

Trinity Affinity part II

One thing I’m particularly proud of this week is that we’ve finally given up the crutch of using strikethrough for comedic value. Either that, or I’ve completely missed where I was supposed to format it in. Never mind, found one.

This is probably the last Travisty for a while, until we hit Exam Term. Have a good end of term and vacation, enjoy AGM season and Magpie, and we’ll be here to welcome you back! “Kate Pfeffer and” Jovan Powar

top trumps

Cambridge Papers fiction

James Riseley

Mina Frost

what’s on in cambridge

Edith Franklin

horoscopes

Travisty Writers

Trinity Affinity part III

This week’s writers: Kate, Jovan, Mina, Fiona

Toby, Edith, Muhammad, Edison, Nicholas

one-liners

poetry Week Five by Toby Henley-Smith

Week five, week five,

it’s now week five,

You make me feel alive. When I arrived I strived to derive and thrive

But now I aim to just survive.

And socials have taken a dive

And the problems my lecturers connive

Stab through my confidence like knives.

Even though I’m sleep deprived I have these rhymes (slightly contrived)

And also sour cream and chive To make me feel alive. Week five, week five,

You make me feel alive.

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Sunday 5 March 2017

Letters to the Editors this week, we answered

Dear Travisty,

Dear Editors,

As another term of my bustling social life and academic achievements winds down, I have been left with a singular dilemma: where can I stay in Cambridge over the holidays? Regulations demand that I must vacate my room—though as they remind me, this is not a holiday—and short of concealing myself above the looser of the ceiling panels in my Angel Court room, I’m simply lost for an answer! Can you help?

I was very disappointed by the cancellation of Magpie and Stump last week. The large pink poster in the bar raised my anticipation to levels I hadn’t felt since I read the profiles of the 2016/17 TCSU Executive Committee members in the Freshers Handbook for the first time.

(Annonymous Fresher)

There were rumours that the TCSU President himself (and all around BNOC) Toby Henley Smith was going to be performing. I hope that he finds another outlet to share his Valentine’s Day tips; I hear he is a very talented (and also passionate) lover and I’m sure there is much I could learn from him.

Dear Fresher,

Hopefully my thirst will be quenched by this weeks issue of Travisty (but seriously your Week 8 show had better be good).

Loving Angel Again,

We too have encountered this problem, and as a fresher you aren’t yet considered important enough to pay to retain your living space this Easter. If the college had their way, you too would be packed away in a suitcase and posted back to your parents. (What do you think happened to that nice man at GCHQ? He didn’t fill in his exeat forms and the college got a little excited. Don’t be that man, fresher.) But if you really must stay in college over Easter, we do have a few suggestions. Dependent on your gymnastic proficiency, climb up to the top of the Wren and attempt to blend in with the statues. You’ll need a toga and a witty nickname – Divinity, Law, Physic and Mathematics are already taken, we suggest Baby or Ginger. Alternatively, look to your childhood for inspiration and carefully cut out the eyes of one of portraits then conceal yourself behind it. Every so often whisper your thoughts and rumours into the ears of the servery staff. Or, as a final suggestion – if you really get desperate – pose as a larger bag or coat and fold yourself into one of cubbyholes in the library. If anyone tries to remove you claw gently at their fingers until they are convinced that you are in fact a very large spider, and leave you alone.

Yours,

cocktail of the week Best Picture Travisty pays homage to the indisputable best film of the year

Angry in Angel Court Dear ‘Passionate in Bed’, Well, this is awkward. I presume you sent this in expecting a Travisty issue last Sunday... I suppose delays and cancellations are in the cultural fabric of all His Majesty’s societies, and I apologise. Here’s a bumper Travisty issue by way of apology, and I promise the next Magpie show, 9:30pm 11th March in the Winstanley, will be beyond your wildest dreams. There’s an interpretive dance bit. If Edison Rragami’s dancing is not beyond your wildest dreams, I worry for your therapist. I’m not sure who you’re hearing about Toby’s lovemaking skills from; my sources tell me he’s somewhat inattentive and only knows how to make cucumber-based dirty talk.

Method To make the milkshake, blend the ingredients until frothy

Milkshake:

1 glass milk

3 scoops vanilla ice cream

one ice cube

The Night’s Sky:

How to Serve:

Serve milkshake in a tall glass. After two sips, replace with The Night’s Sky, strained into a coupe glass. When finished, fire the bartender.

Ingredients

To make The Night’s Sky, build the ingredients in a mixer, shake over ice.

2 parts Absolut Elyx

1.5 parts Espresso

3/4 part Vanilla Syrup 3/4 part Borgetti

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TRAVISTY

4 You’ve seen who the Academy chose, now it’s time to choose Trinity’s

BEST PICTURE

BEST DIRECTOR

BEST ORIGINAL SCRIPT

Isaac Newton by John Vanderbank There’s a game you can play with paintings. Imagine that the subject has just been offered a blowjob. Think about that next time you look at Newton’s curious mixture of fear and steadfast resolution. Fancy an apple?

Byron, attributed to Thomas Lawrence Because Byron doesn’t actually need to say anything for me to feel the poetry flow through his eyes directly into my breakfast. Not, not yours. Just mine. ALL MINE. because he’s dreamy.....

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR John Manners, Marquess of Granby by Joshua Reynolds No no, not the nice white man in the foreground. No, not the horse either. The other guy. Yes, him. Yes, I know.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS The author was unable to find a second portrait of a woman readily available in Trinity.

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Sunday 5 March 2017

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS BEST ACTOR Henry VIII by Hans Eworth

BEST ACTRESS Queen Elizabeth I ‘Virgin Queen’ by Marcus Gheeraerts the Younger (1597) Hail to the Queen! You may remember this portrait from the brief period she spent in the public eye while her father was on loan to the Fitzwilliam. In the words of one academic: ‘We are very proud to demonstrate her splendour in Hall as we mark 40 years of admitting magnificent women to Trinity’. Let’s hope the women at Trinity last longer than Elizabeth’s tenure above their breakfast tables. Painted by a man, installed in the Master’s Lodge, our portrait of Elizabeth Ist stands as a sentinel for the women of Trinity, a beacon that times are a’ changin’. Slowly. Very, very slowly.

Such a great actor that this Eworth portrait even manages to appear in the guise of his more valuable Holbein counterpart! (Not in Trinity). So accomplished at the craft of metamorphosis of the body and soul that Henry has apparently begun to grow flippers! You missed a spot, Eworth.

Sir Gregory Winter by David Cobley ‘The Master seems to be working, moving, creating— like a magician or an alchemist’ – or thusly reads Trinity website’s description of this hallowed portrait. (If somebody finds out that Sir Gregory does indeed know how to pull a rabbit out of a hat, or indeed manifest an action that isn’t in the present continuous tense, please alert the author.) But until that day, just look at all those arrows. Go on. Look at them all in their pointy, pointy glory. And he didn’t even have to go to Pinewood to get them.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN Edward Coke by Isaac Whood ‘Yes Matilda, it is not enough to simply have a ruff, it must be a ruff extensive enough that I can barely breathe through it. How else will my neck support the weight of my giant intellect?’

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TRAVISTY

fiction

Trinity Affinity Part II: the calm before the storm

In the first part, Harry – along with his now best friend Draco - were sorted into Trinity College, by the Sorting Hat of Love. In part this was because the Wizarding Community is coming to terms with its massive skills deficit, and has made Wizardry a postgraduate qualification, and in part because the Sorting Hat is a fucking creepy piece of fabric who has grand designs for the two men. “Geeze, Harry, I haven’t seen you in ages!” said Draco, upon seeing Harry enter the Trinity College Bar. This comment made Draco sound a little needy, which is appropriate, because needy is what Draco was. In Draco’s defence, though, his father, a war criminal a banker, sent him to the Winchester School for Magical Boys when he was 3 and a half, and he had struggled to form meaningful emotional relationships ever since. “I know, Draco. It’s almost as if someone forgot to write an installment for last fortnight’s Travisty issue,” replied Harry, turning to glare at the Travisty writing team, who were conveniently sat near the two of them. “Fuck this is meta,” interjected Jovan.

“Hey, that’s not fair! You’re just upset because you know what’s coming” responded James. “What’s that?” inquired Draco, inquisitively. “The brunch sex scene, obviously” responded James. “What?” asked Draco and Harry. “The brunch sex scene. You two have sex in hall after brunch, after you finally come to terms with your profound sexual tension.” “Fuck off, no we don’t. That’s really weird. What is this, poorly written, arguably ironic fanfiction?” asked Harry. “I mean, yes,” deadpanned Jovan, “what on earth did you think was happening?” Then there was a really awkward silence. “It does sort of made sense,” mused Harry, “you were really keen to see me a few minutes ago”. Draco blushed a deep crimson red. Red, the colour of love and lust and roses; deep, like his love for love for Harry, or like his anger at the misused semicolon a few words ago.

“Hey, I had Week 5 flu!” explained James. “Shut up fuccboi, your writing is atrocious. You can’t just break the fourth wall all the time to mask your total inability to make proper jokes” shitposted Harry.

He got up and fled the Bar, tears of sadness forming in his eyes.

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Sunday 5 March 2017

British Idioms Explained A French girl’s take on the English language

s a French student in Cambridge, I found many daunting things about England, starting with its scarily bland food and consistently terrible weather. But perhaps the most terrifying element is the amount of obscure idioms which are completely incomprehensible to a foreigner. After many hours of investigation, here are a few of the finest sayings which I’ve attempted to decrypt - you’re welcome, fellow internationals.

Being up/down for something According to the British that’s the same thing - maybe their distorted sense of space is why they drive on the wrong side of the road. To be caught between two stools Again with the lack of spatial awareness - how does that even happen?? Stop beating around the bush Now that’s taking procrastination to a whole new level. Respect. You’re barking up the wrong tree First bushes, now this? What is it with British people taking out their anger on trees? Don’t cry over spilt milk Stop blubbering, Sainsbury’s is open until five on a Sunday.

To cut the mustard The British at it again with the dodgy take on cuisine To feel under the weather Under British weather is as low as it gets To kill two birds with one stone The English apparently hate pigeons. To let the cat out of the bag Anyone else noticed that animal cruelty is a recurring theme here? What is the RSPCA doing? To have a taste of your own medicine It’s all about alternative treatments and DIY in England these days To take something with a pinch of salt Now that’s useful advice! They should do that more often, it might make the food a bit less bland

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DUNLEVIE FUNDING APPLICATION FORM PLEASE READ THE GUIDELINES CAREFULLY BEFORE COMPLETING THIS FORM.

APPLICANT INFORMATION

Name:

Nicholas Wong

Matriculated:

No, thank you

Side: Tripos:

History

Study Year:

Dark 3rd

PURPOSE OF APPLICATION Please give details of what the grant will be used for, including a breakdown of costs. Also include the names of any other students who will be applying for a grant for the same activity. (Continue on a separate sheet as necessary)

My name is Nicholas Wong, and I can’t swim. Water. Untold millions of gallons pouring over me as I struggle to breathe. Wave after wave crashes down upon me, ripping my strength away and forcing me further down into the watery abyss. The more I thrash, the deeper I go. Water fills my mouth as I scream for help. My strength finally leaves me and I give up hope, accepting Poseidon’s cold embrace, until a hand grabs me and yanks me above the surface. That was to be my last bath, at the age of 19. My inability to swim also presents a clear and present danger wherever I go. Fact: Water covers 70% of the earth - I’m a risk of drowning wherever I go. That means that I have a 70% chance of drowning whilst shopping in constantly at Waitrose. Maths fact. Think about the human element. Not being able to swim has made me into a social pariah, not just because I’m terrified of washing. I am the perennial guardian of the beach towels, the holder of bags, taker of funny beach-based Instagrams. I can’t join in the fun with my friends, who constantly mock me for wearing speedos without actually swimming (they just fit really nicely). As the human body is 60% water, I struggle to feel safe around people. This has developed into an inability not only to swim, but to sustain long-term relationships. How can I trust people when over half of their body could kill me in a single hug? Whilst wearing armbands around my friends helps me feel safer, it only serves to emphasise our differences. I truly believe that learning to swim would not just help me bathe, but help me survive and thrive. So please. Help me learn how to swim. Help me learn how to live. Help me Mr Dunlevie, you’re my only hope.

Dates of Activity:

From: 01/03/17

To:

20/03/17

FINANCIAL DETAILS

Are you in receipt of a Bursary? If so, state amount:

400 0

Total cost of Activity:

Amount available/obtained from other sources:

Personal Contribution:

Amount requested from the Fund:

70,000

Signature of Applicant:

Date:

23/01/17

PLEASE SUBMIT THE COMPLETED FORM AND ANY SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION TO YOUR SIDE SECRETARY. TUTOR’S COMMENTS

Signature of Tutor:

Date:

Sunday 5 March 2017

Nigella’s Coming Fiona channels her idol Nigella Lawson and gives hall menus a going over

igella Lawson, she’s one of the queens of the culinary world. After studying MML at “The Other Place”, she emerged as one of the nation’s favourite food-critics cum self-professed amateur cooks. After the roaring success of her (ironically-named) recipe books How to Eat and How to be a Domestic Goddess, she transitioned from the page onto the screen. Since 1999, she has been enticing and scandalising the nation (/world) with her tongue-tying wit, slapdash approach to food, and her self-deprecating playfulness. For

Nigella, food should mean unadulterated pleasure: “mood enhancement of the legal kind”, as she is known to say. With this in mind, we’ve conjured up a Nigella-esque critique of the dishes you ate just yesterday, in our very own Trinity servery. NB: anything in speech marks is a direct, though perhaps slightly de-contextualised, Nigella quote. For lunch, the route to take is quite clear. Skip the soup, go straight for the gooey greatness of macaroni cheese, there’s no two ways about it. Just repeat to yourself the mantra: “I don’t believe in low-fat cooking”, a well-known ethos of this culinary queen. If you receive an extremely generous portion, as oft-happens here, feel free to revel in the gluttony. For we must all be realistic in life: “In theory, this would be enough for supper for two. In practice, I rather feel…one.” It is a truth universally acknowledged that the white meats of the world are prone to being dry, chewy, and sometimes flavourless. This can happen in almost any culinary establishment, from the humble home kitchen to the lofty heights of fine dining. Fear not! For there is a way to combat this problematic predicament. It goes by the technical term of “tenderising” (aka bashing meat with a miniature hammer). As Nigella would say, “these need to be thwacked into submission” for there is “always room for a little brutality in the kitchen”. So boys and girls, time to get your Thor on. “Duchess potatoes”, what a glorious appellation. Also, further proof of Trinity’s love-affair with social hierarchies (as if we needed more). According to the encyclopædia of life (Wiki), these pommes de terre duchesse are a French delicacy, an emulsion of mashed potato, butter, and egg yolk piped into delicate swirls and then cooked to golden perfection. The result is surely “like the lightest, most fluttering caress in the mouth”. However, it is no secret that Nigella is an avid opponent of excessive ornamentation and unnecessary complication in the kitchen. There would be no shame, therefore, in pulling some ready-made potato swirls out of the deep freeze and throwing them into the oven for twenty minutes. Or even better, Nigella’s signature mash-potato, which offers “protection from life, solely through the means of potato, butter and cream”. Week five eat your heart out. A final word of advice. No episode of Nigella Bites, Feasts, or Nigella Express is complete without a closing shot of her midnight raid on the fridge, complete with silk dressing gown. As she fondly refers to it, this is the “late night feed”. Alongside breakfast, it is perhaps the most important meal of the day – at least for all us night-dwellers. So when in hall, don’t forget to stock up on some extra dessert or some of those extortionately expensive side items. Only then will your late night needs be fully catered for.

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TRAVISTY

You

shall go to the

Ball!

Muhammad Manji’s cost-effective ticketing solutions

o a couple weeks ago Trinity May Ball tickets were finally put up for sale! And whilst many of you responded with unbridled excitement, there are those who sadly won’t be buying tickets due to the shameful loneliness of not knowing enough people in other colleges to take a guest or your date bailing on you the day before tickets went online and blocking you on Facebook. Or whatever other reason you have; we don’t judge. But that’s okay. We have you covered with our extensive guide to getting in to our very own May Ball, sans ticket.

Option 1: Buy a worker ticket

As long as you haven’t been blacklisted, working at the ball gives you subsidised entry for the night and is a great way of getting in and cheating the system. Plant the seeds of chaos from within. They’ll never see it coming. Cost: Your dignity (minus 11 hours at minimum wage) Catch: Not very indie

Option 2: Find a good hiding spot

Perhaps lying in a green onesie on the grass is unlikely to work but as a true master of disguise anything could be possible. Strap yourself to the underside of the bridge. Become a 17th century portrait. Dress up as a Neville’s court pillar for four months. Reinvent your boundaries. Cost: 4 months of your life and quite probably your degree Catch: You probably won’t have friends

Option 3: Take diving lessons

Everyone knows May Ball security use the river as a natural security barrier. Clearly they didn’t anticipate how clever you are. Order an air tank off Amazon and you’re good to go, rise up from the murky depths of the Cam and party in your wetsuit like never before. Cost: Circa £500 Catch: Good chance you’ll get skewered by a punt pole

Option 4: Buy a squirrel suit

Let’s face it we all want to mark the biggest event of the year with the most spectacular entrance, and what better

way of making a statement than falling 10,000 feet out of a plane in a stylish wingsuit/white tie combination. Although in order to evade detection you might want to consider not deploying your parachute. Aim for the Cam maybe? Cost: At least £1599 + a couple of legs Catch: You may be shot down mid-air by the rooftop sniper

Option 5: Become a fellow

Literally as simple as it sounds Cost: Putting up with the accommodation office every year, forever. Catch: Putting up with the accommodation office every year, forever.

Option 6: Hide inside your friend

Kind of like a drug mule, but with an actual person. There’s no way you’ll be detected, and best of all you could sell off the organs you’ve had to remove for a neat profit. Everyone’s a winner. Cost: - £30,000 Catch: Only works for really, really small people

Option 7: Befriend the Mole King

Everyone knows there’s a secret colony of moles under great court. All you’d need to do is befriend their leader, throw in a few favours and hey presto, you’re in! If you burrow your way through the wine cellar you might be able to enjoy some of trinity’s finer vintages along the way. Cost: Absolutely free! Catch: The moles may be Soviet spies

Option 8: Become hors d’oeuvres

The question you have to ask yourself at this point is how much you actually want to be there. Getting served up to fellow party goers may not be the worst idea possible, you may even taste nice. Cost: Cheaper than horse meat Catch: Do you really want Catering to serve you?

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Sunday 5 March 2017

Coping

with

Week Five

The author was really late getting this one in. I don’t know why, he clearly didn’t spend much time on it

verloaded with work we don’t understand, missing deadlines, pulling all-nighters fuelled on coffee and tears. Thank Sir Gregory it’s over but we’ve all experienced crushing self-disappointment and despair over the past week.

“I only made it through Week 5 thanks to the 137 VKs I bought over the week. I ended up chundering every night and forgetting everything that happened. I still thought we were in Week 2 to be honest” Paraphrased from a rather bewildered classicist in Cindies who couldn’t remember their name

And yet the end of Week 5 brings a new week of overwork, impossible deadlines and overbearing stress, the question is how do people cope? Is there a perfect strategy to conquering Week 5? Luckily we’ve gone through the trouble of asking that already and have heard top tips to defeating the Week 5 blues from some of the intrepid students here at Trinity:

“My secret is spending a lot, I’ve spent about £1800 in the past week and even decided to get a union membership when I’d run out of sensible things to spend my money on. I’m still waiting for my gold signet ring to arrive in the post. It’s almost like I’m burning through my money” A historian who thankfully was speaking metaphorically because he’s not a moron

“I cope by avoiding the number 5. Week 5 is only a social construct, it doesn’t exist of you don’t let it. I found it helpful to skip every 5th step, avoid hanging around in groups of 5, skip out every 5th word in lectures. I even changed my calendar and ended up making all my deadlines except a 5pm one yesterday” A rather peculiar HSPS undergrad

“I spend my entire day making and submitting memes and Crushbridge posts. I like to lose myself in the surreal internet reality where I am the master and creator and watch the dankness unfold” A compsci who we managed to catch out of his room (And no, I don’t know what that means either)

“My secret is sleeping, I stay up all night and end up sleeping from midday to 7pm every day. This is mainly so that people can’t hear me cry or sing musicals at night. Hopefully this will help me transition into a vampire so I can suck the blood out of my supervisors when they disagree with me” A dishevelled first year mathmo outside Van of Life “I decided to book a holiday and get as far away as possible. I spent the last week in Mallorca, did I miss much?” A third year English student who recoiled when we asked if they were going to catch up with work

So to all of you who are struggling in Week 5, inspiration is out there! Even though it’s now Week 6 and all of this information is useless for the next 3 months.

Oh well you can’t say I didn’t try

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TRAVISTY

correspondence

Subject: Houseshare Interviews a real email from President Toby’s Inbox From: [REDACTED] Subject: Houseshare Interviews To: president@tcsu.net On 15/02/2017 12:48, [REDACTED] wrote: Dear Martin, How are you? I am writing to you from the award winning [REDACTED] company [REDACTED], we specialise in [REDACTED] for major [REDACTED] such as RTE, BBC, and Channel 4. We are currently in development on a new formatted series focusing on the harsh reality of finding accommodation and housemates in Ireland. We think it could be interesting to highlight these difficulties in a light and entertaining way by following the process of “housemate interviews”. At this stage I’m simply doing research into the topic to see if it is something we could pursue, but it would be great to chat to young people about their experiences with with interviewing potential housemates and being interviewed themselves, and their searches for accommodation. As Student Union President of Ireland’s biggest university I was hoping that you might know somebody or could put me in contact with anyone who might know such people? It would be great if you were free sometime this week for a quick chat to discuss further? Many thanks and hopefully speak soon, [REDACTED] From: Toby Henley Smith, TCSU President Subject: Re: Houseshare Interviews To: [REDACTED] Cc: president@tcdsu.org Dear [REDACTED], This sounds like an interesting series, I wish you the best of luck! Unfortunately I’ve never been to Ireland, so I’m probably not the best person to ask about these kind of things. I’m sure my Dublin-based counterpart Kieran McNulty (president@tcdsu.org) has been there though, so I’ve copied him into this email. Warm regards and best wishes for the future, Toby Henley Smith President of Trinity College Cambridge Student Union

floreat pica

Sunday 5 March 2017

top trumps

Cambridge Papers how do they stack up?

Varsity

The Cambridge Student

The classic, quintessential Cambridge student paper. Even Jon Snow rates it. The only one you could put on your CV and it would be positive.

A good replacement for reading the agenda/minutes for CUSU Council. Amatey’s unstoppable propaganda machine.

Facts: 8 Chat: 0 CV Points: 10 Memes: 0

Facts: 5 Chat: 0 CV Points: 2 Memes: 0

The Porter’s Log

Memebridge

Witty but sporadic, like an online text version of Magpie and Stump.

Crowdsourced Cambridge memes. Everyone can contribute just by spending 5 mins on MS Paint (and they do). Facts: 2 Chat: 3 CV Points: 0 Memes: 10

Facts: 3 Chat: 7 CV Points: 0 Memes: 4

The Tab

Travisty

The author refused to recognise this as a news outlet.

A captive audience and thus total monopoly on “what people read at brunch” does help. Facts: 7 Chat: 8 CV Points: 0 Memes: 5

floreat pika pika

TRAVISTY

fiction

Trinity Affinity Part III: the final chapter

his was it. It all felt like everything had gone so fast for Harry and Draco. In fact, it felt as if all the supervisions, the lectures, the late nights, the early nights, the Week 5s, and the friendships - in short, all of the Trinity experience - had been condensed into a shittily written “Part 2” of a fanfiction (which you can find on page 6). That experience is broadly true for all of us, though, given the frailty of human memory. That lovely girl from across the hallway who you speak to occasionally, whenever you bump into each other? You’ll forget her name the second you graduate, if you haven’t forgotten it already, you self-absorbed narcissist. You’ll remember her face, of course, and you’ll swear that you spot her one day in London, about seven years from now, but she’ll blank you or she’ll pretend to look at her phone, because fuck, British people are bad at social interaction, but also how exhausting would that “hey oh my god it’s been so long, how are you?” “oh remember back in College, that was classic!” bullshit actually be. Yes, it’s true, all that we’ll probably remember about this place twenty years from now is stuff so saccharine and imprecise that it probably didn’t actually happen at all, making us strongly suspect

we really are just brains in a vat in some Matrix-style bullshit, or even worse, some Matrix 3 style bullshit, fuck wouldn’t that be awful, that film really was dreadful. We’ll make asinine references to cindies and Van of Life, thus confirming that we deserved both of those abysmal institutions. “Wait, what?” you might be asking. “Isn’t this supposed to be a terrible, Harry/Draco slashfiction? Aren’t you supposed to be writing soft-core porn about them having sex in hall? Wasn’t your plan to use the brunch food items as poorly veiled metaphors – “he buttered Harry’s croissant softly,” wait why the fuck is Draco buttering Harry’s croissant? Croissants are literally only butter, does Draco want to die? – to make everyone feel deeply uncomfortable? Do you realize how fucking weird that would be? What are you, some kind of pervert? What next, a dystopian short story about TCSU+. The fact that you even began reading what was surely going to be a fucking atrocious piece of prose makes me physically ill.

floreat pica

Sunday 5 March 2017

the rest of term

What’s

on in

Cambridge

Travisty’s roundup of the best of the ‘ bridge for the rest of Lent Term

Trinity/Christchurch Big Match 2017 4th & 5th of March, Old Fields

Come and show support and witness Trinity win (#GDBO), while stocking up on fresh air and sweet sweet vitamin D (or rain).

Trinema presents

Embrace of the Serpent

5th March, 8:30pm, Winstanley Lecture Theatre

Trinema presents its first film of the term (yes, they’re very sorry, they’ve been busy and they’ll definitely text you back soon): Embrace the Serpent, Ciro Guerra’s 2015 award-winning black-and-white film following a mystical tribal shaman who leads two western explorers through his disappearing world deep in the Amazon. It got a very limited release in the UK, so don’t miss a rare opportunity to see this masterpiece.

“Responses to Feminism” Exhibition Churchill College

Channel your inner humanities’ student - come on, I dare you.

RAG Come Dine With Me #2 6th to 8th of March

Booking is now open! Sign up now to take part in a fun challenge, with all profits going to charity.

TCSU Open Meeting 11th March, 7pm, JCR

Meet the TCSU committee, and get involved with life in college! Rumour has it this is the SUPREME GOVERNING BODY of students in college, so come along to get your voice heard, and sign up for TCSU+. Travisty’s recommendation: listen out for President Toby Henley-Smith inevitably saying at some point in the evening “I am the Senate.”

Magpie and Stump

11th March, 9:30pm, Winstanley Lecture Theatre

Stumble, bleary-eyed from the incandescent splendour of democracy, out of the JCR and across the road to the Winstanley Lecture Theatre for Magpie’s final show of the term! Replete with jokes and dancing, His Majesty’s New Brood see off the term in hilarious style. Travisty’s recommendation: try and figure out who prepared their set more than two days in advance.

Watersprite, the Cambridge International Film Festival 11th & 12th March, Old Divinity School (Saint John’s)

Yes, you read that right, Cambridge has its own international film festival. A wonderful weekend of screenings, talks, and awards aplenty on the Sunday. Not to be missed for any film lovers about college.

Trinema AGM and Airplane! 12th March, 8:30pm, Old Combination Room

Another exercise in democracy, this time with free drinks! Join the Trinema team for the election of the new committee (applications and enquiries to president@trinema.co.uk), and then settle in for Airplane! projected from 8mm film.

floreat pika pika

TRAVISTY

one liners

Horoscopes

Our Favourite Movie Quotes

Disquietedith Edmund: This is the excellent foppery of the world that when we are sick in fortune—often the surfeit of our own behavior—we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars, as if we were villains by necessity, fools by heavenly compulsion, knaves, thieves, and treachers by spherical predominance, drunkards, liars, and adulterers by an enforced obedience of planetary influence, and all that we are evil in by a divine thrusting-on. An admirable evasion of whoremaster man, to lay his goatish disposition to the charge of a star! Disquietedith: Okay chill out! It’s just for fun! So… What’s your star sign?

Aries Taurus Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius Pisces

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers

Kitty Pfeffer

“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way”

Your stars have clarified since last Travisty’s confusions (I won’t lie it might have been ‘the drink’. I do apologise.) Anyway, I have an unequivocal message to deliver: all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them. Sometimes the stars are surprisingly biblical. Who knew?

You will win a prize. But your elation will be cruelly snatched away. There has been a glitch in the system. You are in fact, as you had always suspected, a loser. I am telling you this so that you may anticipate the mishap by reacting nonchalantly, ‘Oh a prize. Well how quaint.’ Then when it is taken away you may proudly declare, ‘I never wanted it anyway!’ That always works a charm.

You are feeling paranoid. Resist this. There is no scientific evidence, not even in the industrious and bogus labs of your very own head, to suggest that ghosts, curses, or horoscopes have any validity. Trust me. You feel like there is something you forgot to do. You are right. But i’m not going to tell you what it is. Sometimes it’s best to let you make your own mistakes……………… Okay fine! If you insist! You forgot to praise Edith Franklin emphatically for her innovative and heartfelt contributions to modern scholarship. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. (But don’t do it again.) Here comes the sun.

— Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Jovan Powar

“You are a sad, strange little man. And you have my pity.” — Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

Mina Frost

“Houston, we have a problem”

“Hi”

— Jim Lovell, Apollo 13

Edison Rragami

— The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

James Riseley

“You’re all going to die down here”

— Red Queen, Resident Evil

Toby Henley-Smith

All you need is love. Don’t read the comments. Don’t comment upon the comments. Don’t go on Mumsnet. Don’t read The Tab. Don’t go on the dark web. Don’t go on the web. Call your loved ones with good news (make it up if you have to). Send a postcard to a lonely distant relative. Do not read the comments. Do not read The Tab.

Since donating a bankrupting amount of money to the college as I last time instructed you to (cheers!) you are now consequently in financial dire straits. But do not panic. Become a troubadour inside Great Court. Directly outside the Masters Lodge to be specific. Once you’re on your 17th rendition of Adele’s Make You Feel My Love he might just be persuaded to relieve you of your own foolishly self inflicted financial woes. Or he might just kick you out of the college. It’s a win win! When I read your stars my first thought was ‘Oh dear not again! What do they put in that absinthe!’ and hurried home to sober up and put on my thinking cap so I might access some much needed rationality. But even sober and with my thinking cap on, your stars seem to be indicating that you will live a long and happy life, marked by enduring emotionally closeness and openness. I subsequently sent the stars a fax (I know, so pretentious of them. But will they hear sense? No.) informing them that you are a student of Trinity College! Emotional closeness and openness! I don’t think so! I am yet to receive their response. They are ‘out of the office’. But they always say that. I think they are just too proud to admit they made a mistake. Typical.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty,— that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. I said ALL. Remember: Beauty is Truth. That is all ye need to know! Good luck wise one. If you bought that lava lamp I previously instructed you to buy and you’re still not happy then I simply don’t know what to do with you. You must be a very complicated person. They have always worked on me and I am awful complicated if I do say so myself. Maybe you are a poet? Write a poem! Worth a try.

floreat pica

“I am the Senate”

— Sheev Palpatine, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Edith Franklin

“[speaking about Dolly to herself] I wish you’d stop talking. I wish you’d stop prying and trying to find things out. I wish you were dead - no I don’t mean that. That was silly and unkind. But I wish you’d stop talking.”

— Brief Encounter

Muhammad Manji

“You’re not my mum, my mum’s a shark”

— Sharknado 4

Nicholas Wong

“Here’s looking at you, kid”

— Humphrey Bogart vs. Baby Goats (1939)

Fiona

“You dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin’ education you coulda’ got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Public Library.”

— ‘Good’ Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting