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TRAVISTY

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MYSTERIOUS STRUCTURE APPEARS IN GREAT COURT On their return to College this term, students and Fellows alike were surprised to find an impressive new structure in the middle of Great Court. Attempts to describe the feature have been confused, but it shows skilled stonework and absolutely no regard for being permanently on the grass.

While the structure’s official purpose remains unknown, some have speculated that it is the newest addition to Trinity’s anti-bird defences. Others, claiming to have seen parts of the object producing water, have insisted that it is a fountain, but these rumours have not been verified.

GREAT COURT SNIPER ON HOLIDAY

TURRETS DEPLOYED

Four machine gun turrets have been stationed in Great Court after Hazel Ashley, of Great Court Sniper notoriety, has taken her first vacation in her three-century stint in the role. Overly-keen Trinity Law Fresher Sam Appleby stumbled upon an ancient statute declaring that College Snipers “should not undertake in excess of three-centuries continuous patrolling without express permission from the Accommodation Office”. Hazel submitted her application ten minutes late and, hence, it was promptly rejected. In a meeting of the College Council on Thursday, it was determined that the College will require adequate protection during

Hazel’s absence. The Master started an enquiry into the matter and concluded the most feasible option was to deploy motionsensor-equipped turrets in the centre of Great Court. “Leaving Great Court unattended for a fortnight would end disastrously for Trinity,” Hazel commented. “I think the turrets are a fantastic idea: what better to stop those overzealous tourists and LMBC moles?” Asked whether the sensors could distinguish between a Trinity student and mole, Hazel declined to answer, but a Porter was heard muttering that “they were asking for it” by being on the grass.

“IRON PARADISE” IN TIME FOR MAY BALL 2018 marks the 234th anniversary of Henry Cort’s invention of the puddling and rolling techniques in iron production. These techniques have been ground-breaking, allowing for larger-scale production and the removal of impurities from the iron produced. The Trinity May Ball committee have, therefore, unanimously taken the decision to honour such an important anniversary; Travisty can exclusively reveal that the 2018 May Ball will be iron-themed. Some readers may have noticed the impressive iron statue that has recently been installed on the Backs. This is just one of a number of iron structures that have been commissioned to decorate College in time for the Ball next

year. An anonymous source from within the May Ball Committee revealed that iron figures will replace those on the Wren Library, a new iron bridge will be constructed over the river, and 234 iron lions will adorn Great Court, to name but a few of the iron decorations. It is unclear, as of yet, whether guests will be expected to mark the anniversary in terms of dress, but our source hinted that compulsory iron jewellery is being considered. “The statue on the Backs will have given students a taste of what is to come. We hope people share our ambitious vision of creating an Iron Paradise here in Trinity,” the source added.

SHARK ATTACK

There have been numerous reports of a series of shark attacks, with the first taking place at approximately 11:45 PM on the first Wednesday of term. The incident—which occurred just off Petty Cury—led to scenes of chaos, questionable dancing, canoodling, and copious amount of VK. Witnesses claim that the sharks are often seen lurking outside Cindies waiting to lure their prey with promises of knowledge, maturity, and experience (none of which transpire to be remotely true).

It is unclear whether anyone was seriously harmed; however, the Vice-Chancellor of the University has issued the distribution of ‘Shark Spray’, which should make their way to students by the end of the week. The spray is designed to repel sharks with the scent of ‘denture adhesive, cabbage and Werther’s Originals’. Trials of the spray, which took place in Life last week, produced a 72% success rate.

A source (who wishes to remain nameless) told Travisty that the construction was financed by leftover capital from last year’s Dunlevie Fund. The College has declined to comment on the structure.

TRINMO LEAVES ROOM It was just a normal day in the staircases of Angel Court yesterday, punctuated by the occasional pattering of footsteps and echoes of distant doors opening and closing, but at about 7:30 in the evening something happened which left residents shocked. A hooded figure appeared on the third-floor corridor and scurried past speechless freshers before scuttling down the stairs without uttering a word. He was, of course, one of the elusive breed of mathmos that are surprisingly common in Trinity. It isn’t often, however, that wild sightings are reported before exam season. The motivation for his excursion is, as of yet, unknown but lucky spectators were wowed again when he returned ten minutes later and retired to a corner room which they never realised existed. There is even talk of a mathmo mating season for the first time in 150 years. Experts are monitoring the situation closely.

FRIDAY LIFE

TEMPERATURES REACH RECORD LOW 45°C Meteorologists were left stunned as the aftermath of Storm Ophelia brought down temperatures inside Kuda Cambridge on Friday 20th October to a bone-chilling 45°C. Travisty’s special correspondent at the scene reported scenes of chaos as the usual overpowering stench of sweat was replaced by the more palatable scent of VK-induced chunder. “It’s like a freezer in there, I can barely feel my hands” declared a very drunk partygoer minutes before he passed out because of the intense cold and had to be carried home by his brave friend. One witness on the scene actually reported that she was “having a good time”. At the moment, there is no way of telling if Kuda are going to take steps to prevent a repeat of Friday’s events. Experts have suggested increasing the allowed capacity, ignoring fire safety regulations, and even removing the air conditioning systems completely, in order to prevent another tragedy of the same scale.

Letter from the editors Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty

ello! Welcome to Trinity’s best (and only) newspaper—the perfect accompaniment to your brunch (and lukewarm 25p coffee). It’s Freshers’ Week! Oh wait... it’s four weeks late—in true Travisty style. We’ve finally slept off those hangovers, and we’re ready to bless you with journalism of the highest calibre, the silver lining to your Week 5 blues (because who cares about chocolate, right?).

A lot has changed since last year, with new editors, new writers, and the same old humour. Jovan and Kitty are no longer making strikethrough jokes, but Mina’s still here to spoil everyone’s fun keep us in check. Highlights of this edition include: a Freshers’ guide to accommodation; Part I of a gripping detective thriller, guaranteed to be better than Manji’s Wolverine article from last year; and the launch of Travisty’s Agony Aunt, who offers wholly practical advice to those who seek it. Travisty has come a long way in the last year, and we hope to continue Jovan and Kitty’s humorous but harmless approach to writing. Jovan’s weekly words of wisdom over a bottle of port should make this feasible (thank you, oh Mighty One). Vast quantities of blood, sweat, and Domino’s pizza have gone into this issue, and Megan has had to stay up far beyond her bedtime, so we hope you enjoy it.

this Week’s Contributors

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

Contents Travisty Writers

Cover Stories

Megan Crane

Letter from the Editors

Travisty Writers

This Week's Contributors

Kerem Ergene

Which College Is Your

Joe Court

Fresher Accomodation

Arjun Banwait

How-To

Muhammad Manji

Detective Portero

Martha O'Neil

Aunty M

Fedor Misyura

Freshers’ Week: A Look Down

Muhammad Manji

Top Freshers' Week Mistakes

Jovan Powar

Cocktail of the Week

Mina Frost

What's on in Cambridge?

Jovan Powar

Horoscopes

Kerem Ergene

Martha O'Neil

Toby Henley Smith

Kevin Wang

Muhammad Manji

Mina Frost

Travisty Writers

Kerem Ergene

Mina Frost

Megan Crane

Arjun Banwait

Travisty Writer?

Fedor Misyura

Joe Court

Presidential Thoughts

Advertisements

Kevin Wang

Jovan Powar

Martha O'Neil

Muhammad Manji Toby Henley Smith

Weather Forecast

One-Liners

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WHICH COLLEGE IS YOUR TRAVISTY WRITER? Kerem Ergene helps you get to know your writers better

ARJUN BANWAIT—PORTERHOUSE He’s actually fictional. Rumour has it, he’s just a student in a Tom Sharpe novel.

EDISON RRAGAMI—ST JOHN’S He’s a pariah. He spent so long in his room this week that he missed the Travisty writers’ meeting, and thus couldn’t write anything. FEDOR MISYURA—EMMANUEL You’ll find him opposite Nando’s and John Lewis. JOE COURT—FITZWILLIAM He’s new, pale, and (c)harmless. JOVAN POWAR—PETERHOUSE He’s the oldest. And he’s very good at croquet. KEVIN WANG—HOMERTON He’s always hanging out by the traintracks. Don’t ask. MARTHA O’NEIL—CHURCHILL She’s a female humanity. We thought Churchill could do with a few more. MUHAMMAD MANJI—KING’S Wannabe Marxist. Wannabe edgy. TOBY HENLEY SMITH—TRINITY HALL He thinks he’s a big name, but he’s actually just living in Trinity’s shadow. KEREM ERGENE (EDITOR)—CLARE I’m quite nice. MEGAN CRANE (EDITOR)—JESUS She’s the sporty one. Can walk on water. MINA FROST (ETHICS EDITOR)—TRINITY She’s the one who’s actually in charge.

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travisty investigates fresher aCCommodation Joe Court’s full and thorough report on first-year accommodation

BLUE BOAR COURT Pros: Cons: A resident says:

Good people, good times. Above Sainsbury’s. No, not really. “I’m so happy to be surrounded by friends in such a wonderful place. There’s really nowhere I’d rather be than Blue Boar.”

WOLFSON BUILDING Pros: Cons: A resident says:

A ziggurat in the middle of Cambridge. Pancake parties. Not Blue Boar. No-one knows who Wolfson is. “My Wolfson floor is better than your Wolfson floor.”

ANGEL COURT Pros: Cons: A resident says:

Quiet, respectful atmosphere. No atmosphere. “Shhh.”

THE MASTER’S LODGE Pros: Cons: A resident says:

Spacious. Interior decoration somewhat lacking. Obligation to host drinks receptions. “Ask my PA.”

THE BOATHOUSE Pros: Cons: A resident says:

A great way to meet new people. You get used to the early starts. The new people you meet here. The early starts. “It’s a great way to meet new people and you get used to the early starts.”

THE O2 ARENA, LONDON Pros: Cons: A resident says:

Little-known gem of Trinity property. Really far from Sainsbury’s. “Dude.”

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hoW-to: CLean up your oWn mess Arjun Banwait walks your through life's most basic tasks

STEP ONE:

So, you’ve thrown up. At this point you’re either hungover or barely conscious so take a moment to recall the White Book and reflect on your level of alcohol consumption.

STEP TWO:

Having contemplated the words of the Good Book, go to the Porters’ Lodge and equip yourself with the tools you’ll need (these’ll vary depending on where you’ve left the contents of your stomach).

STEP THREE:

Armed with your appliances, you must now wipe/scoop a pile of noisome fluid/semi-solid remnants of hall food off the floor/walls while abstaining from adding to the existing shit show. [On the topic of a shit show, to clean up other forms of mess follow the same steps as above, but first consider how you got into such a position, why you would leave your mess in such a position, and what position your neighbours are now in.]

STEP FOUR:

Having cleared up most of your vomit and/or other messes, try to dispose of the waste in a bin/ bathroom (you’ll know which is right depending on the type of mess).

STEP FIVE:

Having successfully dealt with your own mess, you can proclaim ‘Trinity Dignity’ in the words of our great president to commemorate your achievement. Feel free to celebrate (just not with alcohol please).

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deteCtive portero Part I of Muhammad Manji and Martha O’Neil’s detective thriller

Detective Winstanley Portero stood under the shadow of Neville’s Fountain, gazing wistfully into the blue-red skies above Great Court, trying to piece together the mystery which had presented itself to him. He had never seen anything as peculiar or inexplicable in his life. The scenes of chaos reminded him of his time in the Lebanese Civil War in the 80s. He shuddered and instinctively looked around to make sure he wasn’t being watched, then carried on his brooding. Earlier in the morning, the Detective heard a knock on his door. He opened it—while still wearing his striped silk pajamas—to see the Head Porter holding an Incident Report and a cup of tea. “I have a mystery for you to solve, Detective Portero,” muttered the Porter. “But first—milk, two sugars, just as you like it.” She thrust the cup of tea into his hands. “Bit of an odd one, this incident, have to admit,” she sighed. “Haven’t seen anything like it on my watch.” Detective Portero took a sip of the tea, quenching his thirst, drowning his morning breath. He sat down to read the report. Trinity’s pristine lawns had come under threat from pesky crows feeding on the worms that had taken up residence there. Last night, there had been two coyotes guarding the lawn. This morning, however, they were nowhere to be seen and the lawn had been ravaged. The famous greens of Trinity had been reduced to patches of muddy rubble. Stood in front of the lawn later that morning, he could see the scale of the predicament he would have to solve. Detective Portero really did have a problem on his hands. He strode, with an air of authority, across the lawn and towards the centre of the damage, bending down to examine it. He traced the small claw marks that had been dug into the grass, scanning the crime scene. Detective Portero picked out a thin pink thread which had been embedded into the soil in the exact location where once sat a plastic coyote.

Smiling with intrigue, he pocketed the mystery thread and headed back towards his quarters by the mailroom. Walking across the majestic court, he paused for a moment to soak in the grandeur of it all; it was not often that he took time to contemplate Trinity’s magnificence. It had become his workplace, his office, his ‘normal’. His thoughts were quickly disrupted when he spotted a conspicuous figure darting past the ‘No Entry’ signs and suddenly reverted to the solemn manner he had sported all morning. “Excuse me sir, are you a Trinity member?” he questioned authoritatively. “No, no. I’m here for a supervision,” the student replied meekly, hiding under his floppy, blonde hair. “My name is Caesar and I’m going to see Dr Salazar,” he volunteered without much prompting. Eyes narrowing, Detective Portero glanced at the John’s stripes on his Camcard then gave him a slow nod as if to say ‘on your way, boy’. He scurried off, and Detective Portero continued on his way. Dr Salazar was a bit of an odd one, the Detective thought to himself as he strolled to the Plodge. She was always skulking around with her nose in a book; worst of all, she always accepted those St John’s students for Classics supervisions. He cast his gaze back at the apologetic student, who had trotted off towards Neville’s Court in his tweed blazer, salmon pink chinos and polished loafers. The Detective let out a deep sigh and rolled his eyes. Suddenly, he felt a sharp blow to his back and found himself in a heap on the floor. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts, before he staggered to his feet and turned around in an attempt to find the culprit. But the perpetrator had vanished. As he stooped to pick up his bowler hat, he noticed a folded piece of paper had been placed next to it. Curious, he opened it up and read the shaky handwriting of the mysteriously violent messenger: meet me at the Punt House at sun-

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set. He shrugged, checked his watch, and proceeded back to the Porters’ Lodge. Some hours passed, during which the Detective had busied himself by tutting at tourists and phoning his mother for a catch-up. Before he knew it, the King’s Gate Clock struck four, and he knew that sun would soon set over Cambridge’s dreaming spires. He grabbed his blue, red, and yellow scarf and snuck out of the Plodge. Before long, the Detective found himself walking through New Court and out towards the Backs. The sun dipped below the horizon and an unearthly pink glow filled the sky. He walked along the narrow path to the Punt House. The air was cold and the Cam was shrouded in a mysterious purple haze. The eerie scene sent a shiver down Detective Portero’s spine. He stopped by the closed entrance and looked about apprehensively before pulling a wooden pipe out of his pocket, packing it carefully with the finest Madagascan tobacco and lighting it. Thin streaks of smoke rose, twirling in the wintry air and disappearing into the dwindling sunset. He peered through the murky window—there was not a soul in sight. He finished his smoke and contemplated returning to the Plodge. Suddenly he heard a crash inside the Punt House, breaking the silence which had been lurking for what felt like an eternity. Detective Portero instinctively reached for his torch and edged towards the old wooden door. “Hello?” He called to no response. He took another cautious step and stopped to listen. The door flung open and a cloaked figure appeared in the doorway. It stepped towards him unnervingly as the Detective fumbled for the switch of his torch. When it flickered on, he glared at his tormentor with a look of wild surprise; he stepped back in shock, the torch falling to the floor. In the background the dying red embers in the sky fizzled into darkness as the door swung shut behind him.

aunty m

Travisty’s world-renowned Agony Aunt solves your most pressing problems Dear Aunty M, I took a dump on the bathroom floor and was forced to send out an email about it. Do you think anyone can tell from the email that it was me? Trinity Indignity, THS

are now well into Week 5. Remember to take time each day to breathe—so many people can forget this. Stay strong my dear and remember to take pleasure in the good things in life, like free tea and coffee every morning in Hall (oh, hang on, wait…)

Recently I’ve been forced to choose between being awake and having enough money to live off. What can you suggest I do about this dreadful situation?

I work from 8:30 AM until 6:30 PM, being careful not to take any breaks as I am a badass mofo. I then join Tabitha and Margot for drinkipoos, before returning home to my loveless marital home, where I begin to pack for our next skiing holiday (which is in seven months’ time, but without organization, can you truly be happy?). I’m sure following a similar regime will ameliorate your dreadful situation.

Travis T.

Aunty M xox

Dear THS, Thank you for your honesty, Mr President. Well, seeing as you have now detoxed your body, it may be worth considering—what I personally like to call—a ‘digital detox’. There is nothing better to rebalance one’s chakra than to put down one’s smartphone, ignore one’s inbox and to escape the pressures of social media by returning to the 18th century. As the Buddha once said, “to find happiness, one must lose the Facebook”. You followed through on your presidential Trump, now follow through on this positive lifestyle change. And yes, they know it was you. Disgusting. Aunty M xox .

Dear Travisty, It’s Week 4 and there hasn’t been a single issue of Travisty yet! This has caused me a great deal of anxiety. Could you please let me know when the next issue comes out? Kitty Note from the Editors: Blame Jovan. Everything is Jovan’s fault. Dear Kitty, The most profound of apologies for any distress caused. Here at Travisty, we truly value the well-being of our readers and would hate to think of you as suffering due to our own lack of organizational skills and inability to use Photoshop. I cannot even begin to imagine how anxious you must be by now—seeing as we

I drive to work. I arrive by around 7:58 AM, making sure to pick up an avocado-seed-milk latte in an independent coffee house run by ‘hipsters’. I drink the coffee while listening to Radio 4 on my iPod touch.

Dear Aunty M,

Dear Travis T., Darling, how very problematic. Without wanting to sound like one of those dreadful communists, this sounds like a terrible by-product of the capitalist mode of production. Perhaps start a revolution? Alternatively, have you attempted seeking a healthy work-life balance? I personally wake up every morning at 5:30 AM, make a bowl of chia porridge (with goji berries and quinoa and celeriac sprinkles), practice some yoga on the patio while watching the sunrise, and then go for a 32 mile run. By this time it is 6 AM, so I wake my kids and allow them one slice of pistachio bread (to be eaten only after they have completed the times-table worksheet I bought them for Christmas). After some procrastination (scrolling through the Cath Kidston website and decanting my kids’ lunches into impractical, miniature Tupperware boxes), I drop the kids back off at school (they don’t board over the weekend). I smile as I pass The Mums at the school gate. I spot Camilla—Head of the PTA. I smile at Camilla. She waves. I recall the time she had an affair with my husband.

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Dear Aunty M, I received a Crushbridge this week, but I don’t think it’s from my girlfriend. Help?! Desirable Dear Desirable, Darling, is this really an issue? Aunty M xox

Something on your mind? Want to get something off your chest? In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice? When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here! Send in your submissions to: agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/ travisty-agony-aunt/

freshers’ Week a Look doWn

Fedor Misyura reflects on his favourite moments of Freshers’ Week

If I were to plot my excitement about Freshers’ Week against time, beginning at about 12th January (the day we all got our offers) and right up until the day itself, I think one would see a very clear relationship of an inverse nature. Namely—by the time I was entering the College bar on the first Saturday of term I was already dreading it. Sorry, Mr President. Wait up. What? Really? Are you some sort of snob? Do you think you are better than us or something? Mate! Actually, no, I am not saying that in the heat of the moment I thought it was bad. Rather I am saying that, as I was walking—no, not walking, crawling—into the bar, my inner sensors were already tingling. I mean, really? 250 people in Trinity bar? With loud music? “HELLO MY NAME IS JOHN, WHAT’S YOUR NAME????” “JAMES.” “OH NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT SUBJECT?” “ENGLISH.” “ENGINEERING?” “NO, ENG-LISH.” “OH COOL...” ...you all know what I mean. And yes, after that wonderful time at the bar, people bunch up into groups, which happens in an entirely random manner, some going to Spoons, others to Sainsbury’s. Invariably everyone ends up drinking, some more than others, and having a ‘good time’. Isn’t that sad? My first memory of Cambridge will forever be drinking absinthe from a tea mug... So, that happens, and what next? Freshers’ Week is upon us! Yes, it’s going to be incredible, everyone is going to have fun and go out clubbing and make friends! Wait what? Clubbing? Wait… friends? Seriously, has anyone ever made any friends during Freshers' Week? And clubbing. Oh God, clubbing. Good thing I had plenty of exciting things to do, like starting my example papers that were due in Week 3 and registering with a GP.

PRESIDENTIAL THOUGHTS Toby Henley Smith ponders the intricacies of Trinity life

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand the Accommodation Handbook. The rules are extremely subtle, and without a solid definition of a “large screen TV”, most of them will go over a typical reader’s head. There’s also the Accommodation Office’s hostile outlook, which is deftly woven into their job descriptions—their personal philosophy draws heavily from Sun Tsu’s “The Art of War”, for instance. The senior scholars understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these rules, to realise that they’re not just funny—they say something deep about FIRE AND SAFETY REGULATIONS. As a consequence people who dislike the Accommodation Handbook truly ARE idiots—of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humour in the Accommodation Office’s catchphrase “The use of Blu-Tak and sellotape is not allowed for fixing items to walls/doors in college rooms”. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as the Accommodation Office’s genius wit unfolds itself in their blue recycling bins. What fools.. how I pity them.

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top freshers’ Week mistakes We aLL Wish We had never made Muhammad Manji gives back to the community by helping you through Freshers’ Week... four weeks late

As Freshers’ Week slowly comes to a close and you’re starting to realise its actually Week 5 and you’re hopelessly behind in work, it’s time to reflect on all the drunken tragedies that you regret as you go to sleep every night. Not to worry; Freshers’ Regret is a lot more common than you’d think, and here are some of the most common cock-ups to make you feel better about yourself:

1. Signing up to way too many societies and flooding your inbox

So basically you liked the look of mixed lacrosse at Chaplains’ Squash and felt really bad for the people asking you to sign up for frisbee because they only had two sign-ups... and then suddenly things escalated and you’re now on the mailing lists for snail tasting and naked bungee jumping. That’s fine, you can just ignore all your emails, right? Hang on, that email looks fairly important! Shit, it was your Director of Studies. Your meeting was yesterday and you missed it.

2. Spending more on VKs than food

After all, what can be more nourishing that an overpriced alcopop made of 60% sugar and 40% regret? Nutrition is overrated anyway.

3. Going to the Cindies foam party

A Freshers-only foam party! What an excellent idea! Until of course you stumble out into the fresh October night air and freeze—to death—before making it back to College. And if you do survive you’ll have to deal with at least thirty different eye infections and an incurable cough.

4. Forgetting to leave the bins out after a messy night

Nobody can really forget the first time their bedder walked into their room whilst they were sprawled across the bed with four naked people and what looked suspiciously like a Siamese cat. From that moment on you must avoid eye contact with them.

5. Shitting on the floor This is not nice. Please don’t do this.

6. Running across the Great Court lawn whilst painted red and shouting “Oh Jeremy Corbyn”

Whilst I can totally see the appeal to this, it can only really end in tears when you’re taken out by the staunchly Tory rooftop sniper. So much for compassionate Conservatism. Note from the Editors: Hazel Ashley has asked us to note that she is not, in fact, “staunchly Tory”—at least by CUCA’s standards.

7. Having a police search helicopter sent to rescue you from the Cam

Whilst this would a great story, it may be worth waiting till at least Easter term before trying something so outrageous.

8. Accidentally burning down John’s

Arson isn’t generally taken lightly by College and whilst you may end up going down in Trinity history you would also probably never see daylight again. Pros and cons.

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COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

freshers’ fLu shot Because even a virus isn’t going to keep you from the sesh

METHOD 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Ask the bar staff for an espresso with amaretto. Fake a smile. Tell your friends “Yeah boys, it’s gonna be a mad one”. Quietly empty a sachet of Lemsip into your drink. Down it like a big man. Re-evaluate the friends you’ve made.

INGREDIENTS Espresso (i shot) Amaretto (i shot) Lemsip (i sachet)

Cambridge Crepes

Genius Asian Sperm Donor Wanted

All you have to do is pay £9000 a year and subject yourself to crippling anxiety, extreme sleep deprivation, and supervision-induced nightmares. It may also be helpful to learn how to cry yourself to sleep every night.

We are a College couple seeking an Asian sperm donor to help build our College family. You should be near top of your class, and preferably have some outstanding achievements and awards. We prefer Asian race, such as Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese. You should be 18–35 years old.

Do you like crepes? Do you like HALF PRICE crepes?

£20,000 compensation

Head to the Cambridge Crepes van between 11:00 AM and 1:30 PM with your College card to claim this remarkable offer. Offer not valid on Mondays or Tuesdays All deals rounded up to the nearest 10p Crippling anxiety not refundable

Write for travisty Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk. We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week. Get involved.

An example of our ideal sperm donor: a 21-yearold Chinese Trinmo, Senior Wrangler, and Senior Scholar since first year. Prefereably has several awards in high school, believes chess should be recognised as a sport, and has never been to Cindies. About us: we are a highly educated couple, but we are unable to have children due to infertility. The man is a highly accomplished Mathmo, the woman has excellent A-Levels. The woman is of European race, the man is Chinese. We value education, and we live in the best College in Cambridge. We hope that our College child will be gifted, like us, and that he/she will have a positive impact on the (mathematical) world. Visit tiny.cc/sperm for more information.

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost’s entirely impartial guide on what’s hot in Cambridge

So you’ve survived Freshers’ Week—what now? Turns out Cambridge has plenty to offer if you’re not bedridden or crying over deadlines. Looking to get your mind off Week 5 blues? I’ve got your thing (unless your thing is staying in and working, in that case don’t bother reading).

IN TRINITY:

The Entente Cordiale (Trinity French Society) is offering a chocolate and conversation afternoon, today at 3.30 PM in Blue Boar Common Room! Go and practise your rusty GCSE French in a relaxed setting over coffee and cakes. ‘The Last King of Scotland’ will be showing tonight at 6 PM in the Winstanley Lecture Theatre! Shockingly it isn’t really about Scotland but Uganda apparently. I don’t know either, see you there.

OUTSIDE OF COLLEGE (YES, THAT IS A THING):

Tired of Cindies? (I don’t blame you)—RAG (Raising and Giving) has launched a new club night most Mondays in Life from which all profits go to charity! A great excuse for a night out. Next on: Monday 13th November from 10.30 PM, Kuda Cambridge. Fancy practising your French and channeling your inner arts student? Go and audition for the French Society play, “rêver peut être”. 6th–7th November 2–5.30 PM (6th: Junior Parlour; 7th: Winstanley)

Weather foreCast CAMBRIDGE CITY CENTRE

Next week the sun will struggle to rise about as much as you will—no chance of it appearing for a 9 AM. Word is out grey is all the fashion at the moment, and the sky seems to have heard that too. Temperatures will oscillate between cold and colder. Predictions show pretty much constant drizzle—at least no one will notice you’re crying over your deadlines? Girton, however, will enjoy a warm sunshine reminiscent of August for the next fortnight.

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horosCopes one-Liners

Travisty's very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars ARIES

Mars is ascendant, which means an encounter with fame is in your future. He will come to you wreathed in red, he will smile, and he will invite you to the TCSU Open Meeting. Take his hand, and he will show you wonders.

TAURUS

This week might be the week to tell the special Virgo in your life how you feel. Wear your heart on your sleeve, Taurus, and you can’t lose.

GEMINI

In mythology, the Gemini were the twins Castor and Pollux, who shared one immortal life. Somewhere out there is your own twin, Gemini. Find them. Kill them. Live forever.

CANCER

Some time this week you’re going to look around your room, and realise your possessions are starting to reflect the proto-adult you are becoming. And in that instant, you’ll miss every toy you’ve ever owned. We all face this moment, Cancer, when we stand at the cliff edge of childhood, staring at the turbulent waters of adulthood below. Remember, there’s no hurry to step over the edge yet. Go buy yourself a stuffed animal.

the Worst things our supervisors have said to us

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers

ARJUN BANWAIT

“Are you sure it was me who interviewed you?”

EDISON RRAGAMI

“There’s actually almost a semblance of competence in this.”

FEDOR MISYURA

“Second year electronics is really fun; you will get to do the integrated design project—well, most of you…”

JOE COURT

LEO

*Says nothing. Just raises eyebrows and looks.*

VIRGO

“I feel that this is where computer science can only take us so far and we need to turn to faith [proceeds to explain why we need to seek the answers from scripture].”

Leo, sometimes you feel afraid, but it’s alright. The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Leo, put your records on. Tell me your favourite song. Go ahead, let your hair down. Chiron is in the tenth house, Virgo, which means caution is in your best interests. Avoid the sign of Taurus in one-on-one situations.

LIBRA

Fortune favours the brave, Libra. I reckon you could make that jump.

SCORPIO

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Scorpio. You’ll probably pull this week.

JOVAN POWAR

KEREM ERGENE

After Kerem arrived ten minutes late to a supervision: “How the fuck did you lock yourself into your room?”

KEVIN WANG

“I am not sure that you think in real time.”

MARTHA O’NEIL

SAGITTARIUS

You may have a drop in confidence this week. Thoughts like “this is the wrong course for me”, or “I don’t really know what I’m doing”. Don’t worry, Sagittarius, this will pass. Sometimes it’s ok to slow down and take things at your own pace—in the end, you’ll get to somewhere that’s right for you, and that’s all that matters.

CAPRICORN

“When I asked if you were familiar with Marx’s work, I didn’t mean Groucho.”

MEGAN CRANE

“Why are you here?"

MINA FROST

Hm. I’m having trouble peering into your future, Capricorn. I’m getting the signs for fire, fear, and imminent danger... Tell you what—I’ll go check some more books and get back to you next week. Stay safe.

On a book Mina had read: “You should only cite works that you have actually read.”

AQUARIUS

“I’ve never seen so many sign errors in one person’s work. You’re basically just one big sign error.”

Daylight savings time has done you no favours, Aquarius, since you can’t seem to get up in the mornings anyway. Avoid bright lights, they’ll probably blind you.

PISCES

You also need to avoid bright lights, Pisces. Also, don’t eat after midnight. And definitely don’t get wet.

floreat pica

MUHAMMAD MANJI

TOBY HENLEY SMITH

“Even if your point were valid, this would still be an awful paragraph.”