#5
TRAVISTY
floreat pica
MYSTERIOUS STRUCTURE APPEARS IN GREAT COURT On their return to College this term, students and Fellows alike were surprised to find an impressive new structure in the middle of Great Court. Attempts to describe the feature have been confused, but it shows skilled stonework and absolutely no regard for being permanently on the grass.
While the structure’s official purpose remains unknown, some have speculated that it is the newest addition to Trinity’s anti-bird defences. Others, claiming to have seen parts of the object producing water, have insisted that it is a fountain, but these rumours have not been verified.
GREAT COURT SNIPER ON HOLIDAY
TURRETS DEPLOYED
Four machine gun turrets have been stationed in Great Court after Hazel Ashley, of Great Court Sniper notoriety, has taken her first vacation in her three-century stint in the role. Overly-keen Trinity Law Fresher Sam Appleby stumbled upon an ancient statute declaring that College Snipers “should not undertake in excess of three-centuries continuous patrolling without express permission from the Accommodation Office”. Hazel submitted her application ten minutes late and, hence, it was promptly rejected. In a meeting of the College Council on Thursday, it was determined that the College will require adequate protection during
Hazel’s absence. The Master started an enquiry into the matter and concluded the most feasible option was to deploy motionsensor-equipped turrets in the centre of Great Court. “Leaving Great Court unattended for a fortnight would end disastrously for Trinity,” Hazel commented. “I think the turrets are a fantastic idea: what better to stop those overzealous tourists and LMBC moles?” Asked whether the sensors could distinguish between a Trinity student and mole, Hazel declined to answer, but a Porter was heard muttering that “they were asking for it” by being on the grass.
“IRON PARADISE” IN TIME FOR MAY BALL 2018 marks the 234th anniversary of Henry Cort’s invention of the puddling and rolling techniques in iron production. These techniques have been ground-breaking, allowing for larger-scale production and the removal of impurities from the iron produced. The Trinity May Ball committee have, therefore, unanimously taken the decision to honour such an important anniversary; Travisty can exclusively reveal that the 2018 May Ball will be iron-themed. Some readers may have noticed the impressive iron statue that has recently been installed on the Backs. This is just one of a number of iron structures that have been commissioned to decorate College in time for the Ball next
year. An anonymous source from within the May Ball Committee revealed that iron figures will replace those on the Wren Library, a new iron bridge will be constructed over the river, and 234 iron lions will adorn Great Court, to name but a few of the iron decorations. It is unclear, as of yet, whether guests will be expected to mark the anniversary in terms of dress, but our source hinted that compulsory iron jewellery is being considered. “The statue on the Backs will have given students a taste of what is to come. We hope people share our ambitious vision of creating an Iron Paradise here in Trinity,” the source added.
SHARK ATTACK
There have been numerous reports of a series of shark attacks, with the first taking place at approximately 11:45 PM on the first Wednesday of term. The incident—which occurred just off Petty Cury—led to scenes of chaos, questionable dancing, canoodling, and copious amount of VK. Witnesses claim that the sharks are often seen lurking outside Cindies waiting to lure their prey with promises of knowledge, maturity, and experience (none of which transpire to be remotely true).
It is unclear whether anyone was seriously harmed; however, the Vice-Chancellor of the University has issued the distribution of ‘Shark Spray’, which should make their way to students by the end of the week. The spray is designed to repel sharks with the scent of ‘denture adhesive, cabbage and Werther’s Originals’. Trials of the spray, which took place in Life last week, produced a 72% success rate.
A source (who wishes to remain nameless) told Travisty that the construction was financed by leftover capital from last year’s Dunlevie Fund. The College has declined to comment on the structure.
TRINMO LEAVES ROOM It was just a normal day in the staircases of Angel Court yesterday, punctuated by the occasional pattering of footsteps and echoes of distant doors opening and closing, but at about 7:30 in the evening something happened which left residents shocked. A hooded figure appeared on the third-floor corridor and scurried past speechless freshers before scuttling down the stairs without uttering a word. He was, of course, one of the elusive breed of mathmos that are surprisingly common in Trinity. It isn’t often, however, that wild sightings are reported before exam season. The motivation for his excursion is, as of yet, unknown but lucky spectators were wowed again when he returned ten minutes later and retired to a corner room which they never realised existed. There is even talk of a mathmo mating season for the first time in 150 years. Experts are monitoring the situation closely.
FRIDAY LIFE
TEMPERATURES REACH RECORD LOW 45°C Meteorologists were left stunned as the aftermath of Storm Ophelia brought down temperatures inside Kuda Cambridge on Friday 20th October to a bone-chilling 45°C. Travisty’s special correspondent at the scene reported scenes of chaos as the usual overpowering stench of sweat was replaced by the more palatable scent of VK-induced chunder. “It’s like a freezer in there, I can barely feel my hands” declared a very drunk partygoer minutes before he passed out because of the intense cold and had to be carried home by his brave friend. One witness on the scene actually reported that she was “having a good time”. At the moment, there is no way of telling if Kuda are going to take steps to prevent a repeat of Friday’s events. Experts have suggested increasing the allowed capacity, ignoring fire safety regulations, and even removing the air conditioning systems completely, in order to prevent another tragedy of the same scale.