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TRAVISTY

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TRINITY TO INTRODUCE RIVER CAM TOLL “The next best thing to having a Bridge of Sighs is controlling access to the Bridge of Sighs,” Trinity College proclaimed yesterday during the announcement of a new community service initiative to introduce tolls on the River Cam. “We gave ourselves a Bridgemas present,” the Junior Bursar said as he explained the £5 toll that will be levied on punts passing under the Trinity Bridge. The move reflects a wider initiative to make Trinity’s riverfront promenade a world-class tourist attraction. He hinted that there were more iron statues coming soon. Similarly, there are plans to engrave a Chinese poem on the inside walls of the Trinity Bridge in order to appease

the tourist population. “We have reviewed recent admissions statistics and are increasing our outreach to demographics that we have struggled to communicate with in the past.”

Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley, has been instructed by College to shoot Santa in the event that he attempts to approach the College. This announcement follows years of protests from Fellows calling for this move.

A source from within the College Council has revealed that Trinity was most concerned with Santa’s disregard for College rules pertaining to drones. This comes after the Professor successfully argued that Santa’s sleigh is—in fact—a drone, since the reindeer are able to fly the sleigh while unmanned.

Representatives from King’s and St John’s Colleges widely criticised the new tolls, saying that “Trinity is really reaching out more—into people’s wallets.” However, behind the curtains, it is said that the Colleges felt inspired by Trinity’s forward thinking and are exploring introducing their own tolls in response. Trinity defended its new policy, saying that “this is really part of a bigger plan to make

SNIPER TO SHOOT SANTA In an open letter to the College, Professor Nicholas Foster declared: “For too long, Santa has been allowed to violate the laws enshrined in the White Book without repercussions. It’s time we hold him accountable.” Included in the list of Santa’s alleged infractions are: • Roof climbing; • Direct use of fireplaces; • Bringing animals into College; • Playing musical instruments— specifically sleigh bells—after 10 PM.

The College was thus forced to come to the conclusion that Santa must be called to appear before the Dean. He failed to attend his meeting, and was promptly sent down. The Council subsequently determined that the threat posed by Santa is of such severity that they have escalated this matter to Hazel, who has now returned from her vacation. The TCSU Committee have been advised not to wear their red jumpers over the Christmas period, to avoid cases of mistaken identity.

three departments work better together in ‘Trinity’.” Sure enough, the Works Department soon announced that they are about to reduce the Cam’s width so that punters will no longer to be able to reverse their punts before passing through the tolling station. Similarly, the Catering Office has announced that they will serve more duck dishes on the busiest summer days to reduce congestion on the Cam and “improve the punting experience.” When questioned about the new initiative, Trinity’s Puntsmen said that they were encouraged by the collaboration. “Oh yeah, we’re going to be exempted [from the toll]. Because we can.”

JCR UPDATE

RENOVATION PUSHED BACK TO 2067 In a move which seems largely unsurprising to Trinity’s student body, TCSU have issued a statement apologising for yet further delays in the long anticipated renovation of the JCR. Despite previous estimations from the TCSU President promising completion before the start of Michaelmas term, due to unforseen circumstances, the development has repeatedly been pushed back throughout the term. In an exclusive interview, Toby Henley Smith issued an apology: “We regret any inconvenience caused by this delay, but we can now guarantee with complete certainty that students will be able to experience a fully renovated JCR before the 2067 May Ball.”

TRINITY PREPARES FOR INTERVIEW WEEK

Next week, Trinity will begin its transformation programme to prepare itself for an influx of hopeful and promising applicants during what it calls ‘Interview Week’. In a well-rehearsed, annual tradition, Trinity will turn into a natural, flourishing and tight-knit College community. Troves of ‘students’ in red sweaters will be paid to make unforced conversation with the applicants. They will receive special training in pretending to play games and consoles in the JCR as though it is an everyday occurrence, and watch over applicants so that they do not accidentally wander off towards St. John’s. In an effort to better match the Trinity experience with expectations, studying in the bar will be banned during ‘Interview Week’ and additional stuffed bears will be brought in to cover the resulting empty seats. Similarly, the sign on the door

of the library will show shortened opening hours: 9 AM–5 PM. But rest assured, students will still be allowed to enter after hours through a hidden entrance by running towards the wall between the ninth and tenth staircase in Nevile’s Court.

Underlining Trinity’s position as Cambridge’s most central college, maps and records will be updated to temporarily remove mentions of Burrell’s Field. Should an applicant find their way there accidentally, they will be met with signs reading ‘Burrell’s Field—Robinson College’ and a Porter in Robinson uniform who will guide the lost souls back towards actual Trinity. Special services will be provided during the entire week: for instance, Heffers will be converted into a temporary Småland for students

to check in their coats and parents during the interviews. In addition, Trinity will place additional ‘arrow portraits’ of Sir Gregory Winter throughout College to aid applicants in finding their interview rooms. Clearly proud of the sophisticated wayfinding system, the Head Porter remembered that “last year, we had more interviewers getting lost than applicants”. As usual, Freshers will be sent home before ‘Interview Week’ as a precaution, as it is believed that some may still remember a life before Trinity and reminisce about it with applicants. The well-tried measure will protect Freshers from psychological triggers of their own interview experiences and falling into the ‘reality gap’—the difference between what they thought Trinity was like and what it turned out to be.

Letter from the Editors Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty

ello! You’re back? Interesting great decision. What an issue we’ve compiled this fortnight! Week 5 has been and gone, and Bridgemas spirit is filling the hearts of Trinitarians both young and old. We’re writing this with a glass bottle of the Cocktail of the Week (Page 10) in hand. Bridgemas is well and truly here (rumour has it, Michael Bublé has even come out of hibernation), and what better way to celebrate than a morning spent with Travisty? Across the page, you’ll find a collection of moving and lyrical Bridgemas-themed poems that only just missed out on Man Booker shortlist. Feeling peckish? Want to reach someone’s heart through their stomach? Tip: go through their ribcage instead. Or turn to Page 9, where you can find Aunty M’s favourite Christmas recipes. And if your brain hasn’t been stretched enough this term, look no further than Page 13. Here, you’ll find Travisty’s latest addition, Puzzling Puzzles: this week featuring a mind-numbing cryptic crossword that’s perfect for procrastination. What a term it’s been. We’re exhausted, you’re exhausted, but we’ve been with you all the way, and now the finish line is just around the corner. So sit back, relax, and put your feet up. No, not on the tables. Come on, people—this is brunch. Relax (respectfully this time) and allow yourself, for one moment, to pretend your supervisor doesn’t exist. Merry Bridgemas! Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

Contents

This Week’s Contributors

Travisty Writers

Cover Stories

Megan Crane Kerem Ergene

Letter from the Editors

This Week’s Contributors

Travisty Writers

Bridgemas Poetry

Muhammad Manji Martha O'Neil

Detective Portero

Mina Frost

Dunlevie Application

Anonymous

Muhammad Manji

How To: Readjust to Life Away From College An Email From Your DoS

Fedor Misyura

How To: Keep Warm in Winter

Martha O'Neil

Aunty M

Martha O'Neil

Aunty M’s Christmas Recipes

Jovan Powar Mina Frost

10 10

Cocktail of the Week Advertisement

Joe Court

Travisty Investigates

Megan Crane

Infographic

Kerem Ergene

Puzzling Puzzles

Travisty Writers

Advertisements

Mina Frost Mina Frost

15 15

What’s on in Cambridge? Weather Forecast

Jovan Powar Travisty Writers

16 16

Horoscopes One-Liners

Kerem Ergene

Mina Frost

Megan Crane

Arjun Banwait

Fedor Misyura

Joe Court

Jovan Powar

Kevin Wang

Martha O'Neil Muhammad Manji

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Bridgemas Poetry an anthology

Travisty brings some Bridgemas spirit to your lives Silent Night

A Natsci Christmas

Silent night, Saturday night, Trin is calm, room still light, Students working, in textbooks immersed, Who needs night life when you’ve got a first? Cindies is for the weak, Sleep is for the weak.

In Christmas memes you @ me, but time is crucial to Natscis, so a laugh react you get, but tears are my true outlet. Arjun Banwait

Megan Crane An Engineering Christmas O Little Town of Trinity O little town of Trinity, How still we see thee lie! Mathmos in deep and dream-filled sleep Of equations floating by. Yet in thy dark streets shineth Those bloody Christmas lights. No chance I’ll sleep, instead I’ll keep Awake the whole damn night. Kerem Ergene

In the Bleak Trin-Winter In the bleak Trin-winter Cambridge students moan; Statues made of iron, Mathmos all alone; Tears had fallen, tear on tear, Tear on tear, In the bleak Trin-winter Every single year. Kerem Ergene

Engineering is playing with LEGO; you’ve been bragging to your friend, when a Bridgemas present from a Fellow, the January exams, descend. Kevin Wang

A Trinmo Christmas Pinned above my door you go, Envious your green-red hearts. Underneath you, mistletoe, Maybe I’ll get laid at last. Joe Court

Jingle Bells Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, I’m ditching work, leaving Cam, And hiding far away. Mina Frost

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Detective Portero Part II of Muhammad Manji and Martha O’Neil’s detective thriller

We last saw our hero in distress in the Punt House, with a mysterious hooded figure looming over him. Detective Portero fumbled around on the ground in search of his torch. Upon finding it, he pointed it at the cloaked figure approaching. He could see two glistening eyes staring down at him—as if looking straight into his soul. He closed his eyes tightly—“This is it,” he whispered. “I’m going to die. I didn’t expect to go this way. I never got to tell the Head Port...” His expression changed very suddenly. “Margaret?” he asked, surprised. “Is that you?” “Hello, dear,” her voice wobbled, as she took off her cloak hood and smiled politely. “Sorry, for all the secrecy, Detective Portero. I didn’t mean to scare you.” “Scare me—ha! Scare me, indeed. I fought in the Lebanese Civil War...” His mumbled words faded into a nondescript grunt. “I have information and wasn’t sure who to tell.” Margaret smiled. Detective Portero had only met her a handful of times, stopping by to have a polite conversation about the weather or the state of American politics whilst she was performing her bedmaking duties. At the time he didn’t imagine she’d have such a threatening cloak in her possession. “I saw a group of young lads take the coyotes off the lawn yesterday. They brought them here, right here!” she gestured at the Punt House. “But I can’t seem to find them.” She spoke quite hurriedly, taking very few pauses for breath and had a look of danger in her eyes. Portero thought about this for a second and quipped back, “Are you sure?”. “As sure as I can be, they said they’d be back here tonight! Something strange is happening, Detective, and you’re the only one who can save us!” He told her to stop being so melodramatic as this wasn’t an amateur spy thriller written by two students who are finding ways of procrastinating and avoiding their degrees. He offered to make her a nice cup of tea. Earl Grey, he suggested, but she looked disapprovingly at him and said she was in more of a Darjeeling mood. They final agreed on English Breakfast, and the Detective contacted the Plodge to ask for a flask to be made for them. Fifteen minutes later the Head Porter was there with a teapot, made of the finest china,

of freshly brewed English Breakfast and plenty of salmon and cucumber sandwiches. “Is everything ok?” She asked, handing the Detective and Margaret the tea. “Yes, dear,” Margaret started, “the Detective just had a bit of a scare.” She sipped the tea. “W-w-well,” the Detective started, the embarrassment rising from the tips of his toes to his cheeks, now stained a purple-red shade of cringe. “Be careful now Winstanley,” warned the Head Porter. “We both know you have a habit of getting yourself into unfortunate situations.” He nodded—for it was true—and she sighed, before returning to her duties of writing out slips for people who haven’t returned spare keys. Margaret followed her, leaving the Detective alone in his thoughts once again. He started plotting… How was he to go about catching these coyote criminals? Lay a trap? He reached inside his pocket, took out a miniature comb and started to brush his moustache as he pondered... “Aha!” thought the Detective, as he finally decided on the necessary course of action. He was to hide in the Punt House until the youths returned. He placed the comb back in his pocket and found his hiding spot, making sure the salmon and cucumber sandwiches were in reaching distance. Three hours had passed, and the Detective had not seen a single soul. All of a sudden, he heard some footsteps approaching. A group of young men? Laughing perhaps? Ever alert, the Detective froze in an attempt to conceal himself, and stared as six tall figures—wearing William Wordsworth masks—walked into the Punt House. “Are we ready, chaps?” asked one figure. The rest nodded and shuffled about in the confined space before sitting down in a small circle. The smell of incense filled the room, and they began to chant something in Latin. When the ceremony finally came to an end, an enthusiastic voice asked “Did it work?” “Bloody hell, Charles—stop being so impatient. We still have time on our side, boy. The code will come to us—eventually—we just need to stick to the plan.” He was clearly the ringleader, the Detective thought. The swirling smoke of the incense began to tickle the Detective’s nose. “The heist is still on, lads,” he ringleader continued, “we just need to wait.”

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“Oh, this is jolly good fun, don’t you think?” said another, clasping his hands together in a fit of glee. The Detective could feel his sensitive nose flaring. “Oh, absolutely!” said the rest in harmony. “Rah, rah, rah.” The Detective sneezed: one of those giant, ugly sneezes. Suddenly all eyes in the room were on him. “Fuck’s sake,” he muttered under his breath before rising to his feet. “Everyone stay where you are so I can take down your CRSids,” he announced. Predictably, they scattered. He chased the ringleader out of the Punt House, across the path and to the far side of the Scholars’ Lawn. To his surprise, the culprit lifted up a camouflaged trapdoor right in the corner and scuttled down a secret staircase. Detective Portero hurried through and stumbled down the old staircase, panting as he reached a clearing at the bottom. There were two paths and he had lost his mark but he made an executive decision and took a right turn. It was a narrow, windy tunnel and it reminded him of those horrendous barracks in the Lebanon from his time in the war. It felt like an eternity chasing shadows in the dimly lit passage but eventually he heard some noise up ahead and reverted back to stealth mode. He crept up to an open doorway and peered in. A hunched figure stood in the corner of the room, its back towards the Detective. Suddenly the figure turned around and he recognised her snarling smile immediately. Dr Salazar began pacing the room, frantically checking her watch every few seconds. Something suspicious was going on, the Detective thought. “Excuse me, Dr Salazar, but what is going on here?” he said, his voice echoing down the tunnels behind him. The Doctor panicked and dropped the bottle of Port she had been holding in her hands. Spotting the distraction as an opportunity, she tried to dash past Detective Portero, hurling a particularly nasty shard of glass at him. In one slick move he ducked and swung the door shut. “No such luck,” he bellowed. “Time for a chat, don’t you think?” The interrogation began. To be continued...

DUNLEVIE FUNDING APPLICATION FORM

PLEASE READ THE GUIDELINES CAREFULLY BEFORE COMPLETING THIS FORM.

APPLICANT INFORMATION

Name:

Theresa Bae

Matriculated:

1546

PURPOSE OF APPLICATION

Tripos:

Side: Study Year:

Economics

Z 471

Fruitful investments

Please give details of what the grant will be used for, including a breakdown of costs; and travel is expected to be arranged in an economical way. (Continue on a separate sheet as necessary) INCLUDE THE NAMES OF ANY OTHER STUDENTS WHO WILL BE APPLYING FOR A GRANT FOR THE SAME ACTIVITY.

Any funding received will be invested in profitable companies in order to generate an income for myself and enable me to afford my May Ball ticket. Rest assured, the process will be kept private and as opaque as possible— investments will be made exclusively from offshore accounts.

Dates of Activity:

From: 1546 To: Present

FINANCIAL DETAILS

Are you in receipt of a Bursary? If so, state amount:

£ 0

Total cost of Activity: £ 10 m Amount available/obtained from other sources: £ 0 Personal Contribution: £ 1 Amount requested from the Fund: £ 10 m Signature of Applicant:

Date: 14/11/2017

PLEASE SUBMIT THE COMPLETED FORM AND ANY SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION TO YOUR SIDE SECRETARY.

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How To

readjust to life away from college An anonymous guide to getting through the Christmas break

College is a pretty crazy place, but it’s actually pretty nice. Seeing lots of people all the time might be overwhelming, but eventually you grow accustomed to this way of life, and soon it is like a steady stream of pain killer—your body warms to the constant sight of other human beings. However, when you go home, it’s a completely different story. You see hardly any people. And this hurts, but don’t worry: I know how to fix this. 1. Make a shrine of all your friends by placing photographs of each of them on a mirror. Stare at yourself every morning and murmur “I am not alone”. 2. Go on really healthy runs. Run really far. As far as you can go. Then take a picture and post it on Facebook with a caption detailing how far you ran along with your big, healthy, sweaty grin, perhaps with a muscly arm emoticon. And then cry. Cry, cry, cry, cry… 3. Reconnect with your old passions. Like going to the pub. You are now in the same pub as you were when you were 16. Where did five years go? Oh my.

An Email from Your DoS Muhammad Manji presents an email from the DoS we all wish we had

Hi people My apologies that I put my head up, when you have an active acting DoS (and also for copying this to Bio freshers, who don’t even know me). There are things that need to be said, and these first few weeks of your Cambridge experience are quite critical in the way your path forms. This email is precipitated by the rumours that there is again a rise of various ‘drinking games’, especially in Formal Hall (although not uniquely there). Many of you will rightly feel this has nothing to do with you, and some may feel that the ‘anti-drinking’ rhetoric is futile and not relevant. Nevertheless I decided not to discriminate openly, so it goes to everyone… I hope all of you enjoy your time in Cambridge. I must say, I am a bit spoiled by the string of years that came before you—which almost without exception are excellent, exciting (and excited) people with a lot of promise. It is a pleasure having them, and teaching them, because one feels it all falls on a very fertile ground. With you, I am certain this will be the case. Please be careful how you handle yourselves in these early weeks but do not hold back on your extracurricular life. You are after all at university and you are here to have what is regarded as ‘a good time’ and you are NOT on a course where simply drowning yourself in work is possible or acceptable. Physical Sciences is a VERY hard subject and, as a result, you will need to take time away from work to de-stress and have fun. Every one of you is very capable of doing this course and you will not be able to cope with the workload if you devote your FULL brain capacity to work. Always remember to take care of yourself and enjoy your social life. Don’t be fooled by how few people are having a good time around; be sure, lots of them are physical scientists— especially in the years above you. I wish all of you started from the right end; learn to enjoy university life—and then see if you have any desire to overwork yourself and damage your mental health. End of.

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How To

keep warm in winter

A Russian’s guide to keeping warm in winter courtesy of Fedor Misyura

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to keep warm in winter. Reading the thermometer is an extremely subtle procedure and without a solid grasp of arithmetic, most often it will go over the typical reader’s head. There’s also the delicacy of the forecast outlook, which is deftly woven into deciding what clothes to wear—drawing its philosophy from the experiences of Napoleon Bonoparte and Adolf Hitler near Moscow. The Russians understand this stuff; we have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the difference between wool and cotton and between scarf and no scarf: to realise that it’s not just funny, it is something that helps you stay alive. The title is somewhat misleading. Why do you need to keep warm if it’s not cold? I mean, is your Vodka frozen? Really? -1°C? Cold? This is ridiculous. So, say one day you wake up and you suddenly realise it’s ‘winter’. You can see frost on the grass in Great Court, and steam comes out of your mouth when you breathe out. Just follow this short stepwise guide:

Step 1: Try a vest or a woollen jumper in addition to a warm scarf. Invest in gloves. Obviously wear a coat. Wear valenki (look it up online: they are Russian boots).

Step 2: Privilege drinking tea/coffee without milk. It’s warmer that way. Drink tea for the heat not the taste.

Step 3: Don’t waste energy on complaining about the weather. Finally, always remember that the early morning tends to be the coldest time of day, especially 6 AM, and especially near water. So, if you row, reconsider your life choices.

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Aunty M

Travisty’s world-renowned Agony Aunt solves your most pressing problems Dear Aunty M,

Dear Aunty M,

A few weeks ago, I bet a friend of mine that the JCR renovation would be finished by the start of Week 5, and we agreed that the loser would have to shave their head. As the JCR still isn't done, my friend is challenging me to another bet. Please can you suggest a more sensible forfeit?

Help I don't know the difference between glacé cherries and cranberries!

Trinity Irresponsibility THS P.S. Do you think a wig would look good on me? Dear THS, Oh, Mr President, what a scandal! First, it’s not carrying through on your manifesto—next, it will be spending your days in the bar, wearing really huge headphones, while pretending to do your work and saying you’re too busy to write for Travisty. Or, perhaps you are playing the game of politics particularly well… After all, and as my distant cousin Niccolo once said, “a wise lord cannot, nor ought he to, keep his promises.” But in all seriousness, darling, this could be the perfect opportunity for you to rebrand yourself, what with you entering the ‘lame duck’ stage of your Presidency. Just as I did when I announced my resignation as head of the PTA (this is a long and tedious story for another day), you must now turn your attention to legacy planning. I’m sure you’ll be looking to publish your first autobiography before long, and any amusing pictures of yourself—such as you having a shaved head—are sure to help with sales. It will add to your air of celebrity, I’m sure. It worked wonders for my friend Britney. If you come to Cambridge on your book tour, do let me know. Aunty M xox .

Aspiring Surrey Mum Dear Aspiring Surrey Mum, *gasps* This is why they should bring back Home Economics. I shall have a word with Theresa. Aunty M xox .

Dear Aunty M, I've got a star-domain. How do I show that it is simply connected? Seb

you such distress, but I just want the best for you, darling. And who says you can’t be fun and ethical at the same time? Have you never heard of Lush? Anuty M xox .

Dear Aunty M, If this is anonymous how do I know who you are? Oh dear, I don’t think you’ve quite understood, have you? .

Dear Aunty M,

Dear Seb, Horoscopes can be found on Page 16. Aunty M xox .

Dear Aunty M, The Travisty writers always accuse me of spoiling their fun and being too uptight. What can I do to make them like me (and ethics)? Anon Dear Anon, Oh, sweetie, I just love being fun—and I’m very good at it. That’s what they always say about me—they say, “Oh, Aunty M is so much fun” or “fun—that’s the word I’d use to describe Aunty M”. So, perhaps you should take a leaf out of my book… For example, last week, Tabitha, Margot and I went on a girls’ weekend and we stayed up way past 9 PM, comparing notes on the best Piano tutors in the area. Such fun. I do hate to take the side of the people who seem to be causing

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I’m unsure how to get hated more quickly—should I become a Tab hack or a Union hack? A Johnian Dear Johnian, Hatred is such a negative force in this world. And I would know. For I am a hater. And I am gonna hate. But Camilla from the PTA is gonna shake, shake, shake. Shake, like that time I caught her doing the paso doblé with my husband at the school’s Christmas fair last year. I just felt Margot’s sherry trifle slip out of my hand and into Camilla’s face (and you wonder why I had to resign from the PTA…) Aunty M xox Something on your mind? Want to get something off your chest? In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice? When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here! Send in your submissions to: agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/travistyagony-aunt/

Aunty M's Christmas Recipes

Hello darlings! I do hope you’re enjoying the season’s festivities—the mulled wine, the mince pies, the kissing under the mistletoe… But the party season can be stressful—especially when one has just so many social occasions to attend. Fear not, for Aunty M has come to your rescue with all the culinary delights you need to wow your neighbours, and to put the PTA Mums’ sherry trifle to shame. No oven? No worries.

Moreish White Chocolate Cranberry Fudge

and

Ingredients • 2 x 250 g bars of white chocolate • 400 g of Condensed milk • 1/3 mug of icing sugar • 1 mug desiccated coconut • 150 g of dried cranberries • ½ mug of nuts of your choice (such as pistachio, walnut or hazelnut). You will also need • A baking tray with deep edges • Grease-proof paper • Mixing bowl • Spoon for mixing • Microwave or bain-marie to melt the chocolate • Fridge Method 1. Line the baking tray with greaseproof paper. 2. Break chocolate into pieces and place in bowl. Melt the chocolate (this can be done through short burst of heat in the microwave, or over a bain-marie). 3. Take the chocolate off the heat and stir in the condensed milk and icing sugar until smooth. 4. Stir in dry ingredients—coconut, cherries and nuts. 5. Pour into the baking tray, making sure that the mixture is evenly distributed. 6. Place in the fridge and leave for at least four hours (overnight is best). 7. Once set, cut into 2 cm cubes and try to resist eating the whole thing… Remember to store the fudge in the fridge!

Still no oven? How about a hob? Festive Welsh Cakes Ingredients • 8 oz of self-raising flour • 4 oz of butter (softened) (plus extra

• • • • •

for greasing) 3 oz caster sugar 1 medium egg Spices: ½ tsp cinnamon ¼ nutmeg or ½ tsp of mixed spice

Extras Handful of sultanas (traditional) or mix it up with some dried cranberries or any dried fruit of your choice. You will also need • A mixing bowl • Wooden spoon to mix • Rolling pin • Cutter (can use a cup for this) • Griddle pan/frying pan Method 1. Combine flour and butter until a breadcrumb-like consistency. 2. Add sugar, spices, dried fruit and egg. Mix until a dough is formed (add milk if necessary). 3. Roll the dough until around 5 mm or ½ inch deep. Shape the ‘cakes’ into rounds by using a cookie cutter or a mug. 4. With the hob on a medium heat, place some butter on your griddle/ frying pan until melted. 5. Place the Welsh Cakes on the pan, cooking them for 2–3 minutes on each side. 6. Once golden brown, remove from the pan and sprinkle with some added caster sugar. Best enjoyed warm!

Oven? You have an oven?! Christmas Tree Cupcakes Ingredients For the cupcakes: • 4 oz unsalted butter or margarine • 4 oz of caster sugar • 2 medium eggs • ¾ tsp Vanilla essence • ¾ tsp baking powder • 5 oz of sifted self-raising flour

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For the buttercream icing: • 4 oz of icing sugar (sifted) • 3 oz of butter (NOT margarine) • ½ tsp of vanilla essence • A few drops of green food colouring • Little, star-shaped cake decorations You will need A cupcake/muffin tray • Cupcake cases • 2 mixing bowls • A wooden spoon • Piping bag and 5-edge nozzle Method Cupcakes 1. Cream together the butter and sugar until smooth and fluffy. 2. Whisk in the eggs and vanilla essence (keep on going, even if it looks like it has curdled). 3. Add the flour and baking powder and mix thoroughly. 4. Spoon mixture equally into the lined muffin tray and bake for around 15 minutes until golden brown. The cupcake should ‘spring back’ when touched. 5. Leave to cool. Buttercream icing 1. Be sure to sift the icing sugar—this is crucial. 2. Combine the icing sugar, vanilla essence, and butter until light and creamy. 3. Add a few drops of the green icing sugar and mix, until you find the perfect shade of ‘Christmas tree’. 4. Keep in the fridge until it’s time to decorate your cakes. Decorating 1. Be sure that the cupcakes have cooled. 2. Place the nozzle in your piping bag, and spoon in the buttercream. 3. Now you can create your Christmas tree. Pipe by starting on the outer edges of the cupcake and swirl in an upward direction towards the centre of the cupcake. This should form the perfect Christmas tree. 4. Add little embellishments to your tree (I often opt for little gold and silver stars). 5. Et voilà!

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Mulled Whine Becasuse whine not

Method 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

Buy wine Dress up warm Go up to Castle Mound with a friend Open the first bottle Spend a while opening up about your feelings (but don’t spend more time venting than listening) Open the second bottle Shoot the shit If conversation comes to a natural lull, just enjoy the view Go to bed

Ingredients

Two Bottles of Red Wine One Friend One Free Evening

Trinity Restaurant

Come and enjoy our delicious and sophisticated cuisine in a relaxed and dark environment LUNCH SET MENU £9,250 + £175.47 Kitchen Fixed Charge Potato salad ~ Gnocchi with a side of French fries or mash potato or Chef ’s choice ~ Potato cakes *tea or coffee extra - 25p*

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Travisty Investigates what is a real degree?

Joe Court’s totally impartial guide to university studies Ever heard anyone assert that what you are studying is ‘not a real degree’? We certainly have, and decided to investigate some popular Cambridge subjects to assess the accuracy of these claims.

Not Real

Medicine, Bio Natsci, Phys Natsci: • Medics and biologists study the human anatomy. • The eye is part of the human anatomy. • The human eye is incredible. • If our eyes are not credible, they are not real. • Physicists study reflection. • Mirrors operate on reflection. • ‘How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real’ ( Jaden Smith 2013). • You are all wasting your time. Classics: Will probably tell you the word ‘real’ comes from Latin rather than Proto-Indo-European. Charlatans. Education: If Trinity doesn’t do it it’s not real. Engineering: Niche with poor job prospects. Do a real degree.

Real

Philosophy: Probably best not to discuss reality with one of these guys! We’ll let them have this one. English: Books are the only constant in Cambridge, so people who like them are clearly well-attuned to reality.

Who Knows?

Maths: Mathmos study real numbers but also imaginary ones. The jury’s out.

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Infographic secret santa

Megan Crane teaches you how to purchase a present for that problematic person This time of year can be stressful. Forget the mountains of work you have let build up over the course of the term. Forget the prospect of the months ahead of bitter cold and perpetual darkness. Forget your dangerously low bank balance, even before Christmas shopping has commenced. Travisty is here to help with the real issue: what to buy for Secret Santa. Simply take this quiz and feel your troubles melt away. You’re welcome. Who are you buying for?

Student

Fellow/Supervisor

What type of subject do they do?

That's creepy

Humanities

Sciences

Do they go to ArcSoc events?

What type of science do they do?

Yes

Cling film (the apparent dresscode to these things)

Maths

Are they vegan?

Yes

Fidget spinner

Yes

LEGO (I'm sure their Personal Statement will confirm they have always loved it)

Lifetime subscription to Travisty (where the real debate is at)

Do they do engineering?

Yes

Are they a member of the Union?

Dried mango (or apple if you’re willing to make the trek to M&S)

Not maths

Are they really a humanities student??

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How nice do they seem?

Quite

Sainsbury’s cookies

Very

Sainsbury’s FINEST cookies (but not the coconut ones)

Puzzling Puzzles

cryptic crossword

Kerem Ergene gives you a little taste of competitiveness to go with your brunch 1

Across 1. Bar and pivot grow old with power to influence (8) 6. Download video of narrow river (6) 7. Spooner tops chick to eat Oriental food (9) 1 9. Price of company with George of England (4) 11. French revolution song continues tomorrow (3, 3, 4) 13. Explosive shipping company (3) 14. Risk taker? Terribly drear (5) 15. Conducted investigations abroad at first (3) 17. For example, love me (3) 19. Stash of gems hidden in wallflower (5) 20. Cambridge party treating parts of face (3) 22. Sounds like Roman Earth lifts up,

causes extreme fear (10) 23. Mountainous stake reversed OR Mount stake backwards (4) 25. Clumsily walked around red gag set (9) 26. Hound’s tooth (6) 27. Writers’ Unit theatre production: Puns and Witticisms (8) Down 1. The French junction in curl(E) sport (8) 2. Take break before migraine—trumpless in bridge eatery (10) 3. More disgusting Death by French sea (7) 4. Out–vote (4) 5. Fail to mention sick – take five (4) 6. Circumvent reversed tricks? Avoid con first (5)

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8. Exaggerate six deliveries before party (6) 10. Half of vase mine (4) 12. Gave confidence to revised rogue dance (10) 15. Restrict noise of detecting device (6) 16. Day’s mule, perhaps with merriment (8) 18. Gruff old animal to start with (4) 19. Twist and root (7) 21. Anxious time of action (5) 23. Engrave thin chips head-wise (4) 24. Sounds like no German cat’s proverbial count (4) First person to submit a correct solution wins a (as of yet undetermined) prize. Submissions to ke297@cam.ac.uk

I am a Trinity Mathmo and I am looking for love.

Not the sort of love you can get from overprotective parents or my Mathmo College husband—I mean actual, real love.

I have never been loved before. I have always wondered what such personal human interaction would feel like. If you’re interested find me in the CMS. I’m there every weekday between 9 and 5, sitting on my own near the entrance. I will be wearing a red shirt and beige chinos.

Missing: Forks Last seen: Missing from: Missing since: Height: Weight: Style: Prongs: Skin tone: Distinguishing features:

dining hall dining hall time immemorial 15 cm each approx. 25 g each approx. cutlery four each stainless steel ‘T.C.K.’ tattoo

Where are all the forks???

Write For Travisty Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk. We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week. Get involved.

Travisty Winter Internship Travisty is Trinity’s highest quality student newspaper, and are looking for writers for their next, and future, issues. Please email an editor for more information. Responsibilities Writing something at some point Requirements Strong writing skills Inability to meet deadlines—even when reminded numerous times Previous experience in writing Willingness to make strikethrough jokes Compensation Port at weekly meetings One free issue of Travisty Application Process Please email ke297@cam.ac.uk by 1st December at some point attaching a cover letter and CV. Some all applicants will be contacted to arrange an interview congratulate them on their new position.

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to procrastinate We’re nearing the end of term but there’s still time to make the most of what Cambridge has to offer (apart from essays and example sheets). Here are some suggestions.

In Trinity:

In another episode of “Mina shamelessly plugs her own events”, Trinity French Society are hosting a conversation session this afternoon at 3.30 PM in Blue Boar Common Room! Join us for hot chocolate and biscuits to practise your French in a relaxed atmosphere. Looking for Bridgemas gifts for your friends? Why not get them a candy cane with a personalised message for just £1.50, with all proceeds going to charity? If you’re interested, you can order some on Agora or contact your RAG college reps (Naemi Melvin, Megan Crane or Harry Bestwick). Alternative charitable gift ideas include buying a t-shirt from the Solidaritee campaign! It aims to raise funds for Advocates Abroad, a charity which provides accommodation for human rights lawyers who represent refugees seeking asylum in European countries. A t-shirt costs £10 and they’re available in different colours and sizes—contact Muhammad Manji (mm2185) for more information!

Outside of College:

Kerem, stop reading—this is more plugging. Student Minds Cambridge are launching their Student Support Guide, a website explaining the many support services for mental health available in Cambridge! You can find out how to get help in a mental health emergency, and also how to get in touch with people and organisations in Cambridge who are able to support mental health problems. This is a free event at the McGrath Centre (in St Catharine’s) with light refreshments (FREE DRINKS!) and a brief presentation about the new website from 7 to 8 PM. Looking for an alternative to basic Wednesday Cindies and Sunday Life? Rudie is a student-organised club night happening in Fez on 20th November (this coming Monday) with all profits going to the CDEMA Hurricane Relief Fund! If you’re looking for guilt-free procrastination and something which is going to make people think “wow, this person is clever”, head along to St John’s Old Divinity School on Wednesday at 5 PM to listen to Sylvana Tomaselli give a talk called ‘What I talk about when I talk about being’. I don’t reckon she knows what she’s going to talk about.

Weather Forecast

Cambridge City Centre

If I were lazier I’d just copy and paste last edition’s forecast, but thankfully the English language has provided me with many words to describe water falling from the sky. The Week 5 cloud seems to have dissipated a little but deadlines are still raining profusely on most of Cambridge—I recommend investing in an umbrella. If you’re in need of warmth, head to Cindies on Wednesday or Life on Fridays and Sundays and get a full sauna experience for just £5!

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Horoscopes One-Liners

Travisty’s very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars

Aries Don’t wait for success to come to you—go find it! Search high and low, grab every opportunity! Maybe it’s in your room! Have you checked? Really? If I check your room and find it you’re in big trouble, Mister. Taurus This Pokémon is not satisfied unless it is rampaging at all times. If there is no opponent for Taurus to battle, it will charge at thick trees and knock them down to calm itself. Gemini Gemini, sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. Almost always, really. Stop kicking dogs, or I’ll call the police. Cancer I’m not going to lie to you, Cancer, the upcoming vacation brings with it stress and strife. But during this hardship, you will find an inner calm and strength you never knew you possessed, through slow action, calm breathing, and the music of Wham! on repeat. Leo Leo, a friend of yours can’t believe you watched that movie or TV show without them. I mean, they know your schedules don’t align most of the time, but they thought you might have at least thrown them a courtesy invite. Apologise. Virgo Type @Virgo in the comments and the first person who comes up has to buy you brunch! LOL! Like and share Travisty! Libra One time, your beloved mystic had a troubling experience whilst walking on a boardwalk. I looked out over the railing and before me was what I expected: an ocean—dark, endless, restlessly pushing at the shoreline. If the ocean was what I expected, why did it fill me with such dread? I listened closely. Beyond the waves’ soothing shhh, I heard something deeper—a thrumming sound. Each thrum started quiet, but by its end my very bones were resonating with its tone. I stepped back from the railing. THRUM. Now gripped by fear, I turned and began to walk. THRUM. I broke into a run, and picked up speed until my legs screamed and my throat burned. THRUM. I ran all the way home, and all the way the sound followed. THRUM. THRUM. Fumbling my way inside, I slammed the door and threw myself to the ground. The sound was gone. Libra, do you ever say a word so many times it stops sounding like a word? Haha thrum is such a weird word, am I right? Hahaha. Hahaha. ha Scorpio My dear Scorpio, my curse as a mystic is not just to see, but to feel the future of every soul whose stars I read. And every time I look into your future I get a blinding headache—boy, your hangovers sure are something, aren’t they? They’ll get worse before they get better. Sagittarius This week, why not take the time to learn a new skill? You’ll find it easier than you’d expect. How about knitting, or Microsoft Excel? Or laundry? Seriously, it’s not that hard. Capricorn Did you know the platypus and the echidna are the only mammals to lay eggs? I think you can learn a lot from observing these fascinating creatures, Capricorn. Put in some work now, and let it go. Construct a healthy environment around yourself and your egg, but then put it out of your mind. In time you will come back to it, to find it has hatched into something amazing. Aquarius Aquarius, your sleep habits are going from bad to worse. Count the number of times you’ve gotten out of bed in the afternoon since last I bestowed my wisdom... yeah, that’s too many. Remember, staying up late to work more is a false trade-off—happier and more productive days are the result of a reasonable bedtime. Pisces Pisces, sometimes you can feel like you’ve been thrust into something you’re not ready to take on by yourself. Like a magician’s apprentice bundled off to university, stuffed into an enchanted grandfather clock and brought out every two weeks to write horoscopes, you’re getting by with half-baked responses to questions, afraid that at any moment someone will realise you made a mistake last week and gave someone some really bad advice. Anyway, if you shake that feeling, could you let me know? Asking for a friend.

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Our Most

Disappointing Christmas Presents

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers

Fedor Misyura An iPhone 7. Joe Court Post-interview dread. Jovan Powar When I was a kid everyone at school had Game Boys and was playing Pokémon, I think Gold and Silver had just come out. I didn’t have a Game Boy so I was basically excluded from every conversation. I loved Pokémon and had been going on to my parents about the games and wanting to play them. So on Christmas morning there was one rougly Game Boy sized present left under the tree, and my parents handed it to me and said “you know how you’ve been going on about Pokémon...” and I ripped it open and it was a VHS of the first movie. Kerem Ergene This issue. Kevin Wang A Wi-Fi router. There’s no better welcome home than tech support. Martha O’Neil Juggling balls and a pig t-shirt. Megan Crane My brother. Mina Frost A wrapped-up satsuma. Muhammad Manji My CamCORS report.