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TRAVISTY
floreat pica
TRINITY TO INTRODUCE RIVER CAM TOLL “The next best thing to having a Bridge of Sighs is controlling access to the Bridge of Sighs,” Trinity College proclaimed yesterday during the announcement of a new community service initiative to introduce tolls on the River Cam. “We gave ourselves a Bridgemas present,” the Junior Bursar said as he explained the £5 toll that will be levied on punts passing under the Trinity Bridge. The move reflects a wider initiative to make Trinity’s riverfront promenade a world-class tourist attraction. He hinted that there were more iron statues coming soon. Similarly, there are plans to engrave a Chinese poem on the inside walls of the Trinity Bridge in order to appease
the tourist population. “We have reviewed recent admissions statistics and are increasing our outreach to demographics that we have struggled to communicate with in the past.”
Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley, has been instructed by College to shoot Santa in the event that he attempts to approach the College. This announcement follows years of protests from Fellows calling for this move.
A source from within the College Council has revealed that Trinity was most concerned with Santa’s disregard for College rules pertaining to drones. This comes after the Professor successfully argued that Santa’s sleigh is—in fact—a drone, since the reindeer are able to fly the sleigh while unmanned.
Representatives from King’s and St John’s Colleges widely criticised the new tolls, saying that “Trinity is really reaching out more—into people’s wallets.” However, behind the curtains, it is said that the Colleges felt inspired by Trinity’s forward thinking and are exploring introducing their own tolls in response. Trinity defended its new policy, saying that “this is really part of a bigger plan to make
SNIPER TO SHOOT SANTA In an open letter to the College, Professor Nicholas Foster declared: “For too long, Santa has been allowed to violate the laws enshrined in the White Book without repercussions. It’s time we hold him accountable.” Included in the list of Santa’s alleged infractions are: • Roof climbing; • Direct use of fireplaces; • Bringing animals into College; • Playing musical instruments— specifically sleigh bells—after 10 PM.
The College was thus forced to come to the conclusion that Santa must be called to appear before the Dean. He failed to attend his meeting, and was promptly sent down. The Council subsequently determined that the threat posed by Santa is of such severity that they have escalated this matter to Hazel, who has now returned from her vacation. The TCSU Committee have been advised not to wear their red jumpers over the Christmas period, to avoid cases of mistaken identity.
three departments work better together in ‘Trinity’.” Sure enough, the Works Department soon announced that they are about to reduce the Cam’s width so that punters will no longer to be able to reverse their punts before passing through the tolling station. Similarly, the Catering Office has announced that they will serve more duck dishes on the busiest summer days to reduce congestion on the Cam and “improve the punting experience.” When questioned about the new initiative, Trinity’s Puntsmen said that they were encouraged by the collaboration. “Oh yeah, we’re going to be exempted [from the toll]. Because we can.”
JCR UPDATE
RENOVATION PUSHED BACK TO 2067 In a move which seems largely unsurprising to Trinity’s student body, TCSU have issued a statement apologising for yet further delays in the long anticipated renovation of the JCR. Despite previous estimations from the TCSU President promising completion before the start of Michaelmas term, due to unforseen circumstances, the development has repeatedly been pushed back throughout the term. In an exclusive interview, Toby Henley Smith issued an apology: “We regret any inconvenience caused by this delay, but we can now guarantee with complete certainty that students will be able to experience a fully renovated JCR before the 2067 May Ball.”
TRINITY PREPARES FOR INTERVIEW WEEK
Next week, Trinity will begin its transformation programme to prepare itself for an influx of hopeful and promising applicants during what it calls ‘Interview Week’. In a well-rehearsed, annual tradition, Trinity will turn into a natural, flourishing and tight-knit College community. Troves of ‘students’ in red sweaters will be paid to make unforced conversation with the applicants. They will receive special training in pretending to play games and consoles in the JCR as though it is an everyday occurrence, and watch over applicants so that they do not accidentally wander off towards St. John’s. In an effort to better match the Trinity experience with expectations, studying in the bar will be banned during ‘Interview Week’ and additional stuffed bears will be brought in to cover the resulting empty seats. Similarly, the sign on the door
of the library will show shortened opening hours: 9 AM–5 PM. But rest assured, students will still be allowed to enter after hours through a hidden entrance by running towards the wall between the ninth and tenth staircase in Nevile’s Court.
Underlining Trinity’s position as Cambridge’s most central college, maps and records will be updated to temporarily remove mentions of Burrell’s Field. Should an applicant find their way there accidentally, they will be met with signs reading ‘Burrell’s Field—Robinson College’ and a Porter in Robinson uniform who will guide the lost souls back towards actual Trinity. Special services will be provided during the entire week: for instance, Heffers will be converted into a temporary Småland for students
to check in their coats and parents during the interviews. In addition, Trinity will place additional ‘arrow portraits’ of Sir Gregory Winter throughout College to aid applicants in finding their interview rooms. Clearly proud of the sophisticated wayfinding system, the Head Porter remembered that “last year, we had more interviewers getting lost than applicants”. As usual, Freshers will be sent home before ‘Interview Week’ as a precaution, as it is believed that some may still remember a life before Trinity and reminisce about it with applicants. The well-tried measure will protect Freshers from psychological triggers of their own interview experiences and falling into the ‘reality gap’—the difference between what they thought Trinity was like and what it turned out to be.