Book Reviews for Heartbroken, Frustrated Bisexual Men

Hayden gifts us his special collection of literary reviews in no particular order whatsoever

Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) - 9/10

TLDR: Sex is good but eventually you have to calm down and raise children. Also, don’t kidnap your dead ex-girlfriend’s daughter as revenge. Book gets bonus points for its portrayal of men as mean-spirited, sexually voracious animals with no moral centre or impulse control. Additionally enrapturing is Bronte’s excellent prose, especially the book’s final line (but I won’t spoil it here). No bisexual characters but Heathcliffe would probably be into that type of thing to be honest.

Atonement (Ian McEwan) - 4.5/10

British people do British aristocratic shit for the first 2533% and then everything hits the fan. Robbie is a bit one -dimensional and Cecelia could obviously do a hell of a lot better- it’s hard to believe that Robbie achieved a First Class degree in English from Cambridge despite being unable to articulate himself well enough to tell a girl he’s known for two decades how much he loves her in epistolary format. I mean, what else are English graduates meant to do other than write poems or something? Idk. Also, Robbie is straight. Not cool.

Less Than Zero (Bret Easton Ellis) - 9.7/10

Literally the best American author of all time, Ellis is probably known best for creating sociopathic homophobe Patrick Bateman, who serves as the eponymous protagonist/antagonist of Ellis’ third work: American Psycho. But his earlier works, Less Than Zero and Rules of Attraction, both feature (multiple) male protagonists who swing both ways and happily take whatever action comes their way. A perfect example of a book that nails (pun intended) portrayal of a bisexual man’s inner turmoil as he weighs up his attraction to women against a desire to bone other guys on the DL. All of Ellis’ works are worth the time and effort.

One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) - 6/10

Set in a heavily-fictionalised version of Colombia, Solitude gets approval for its harmonic blend of flying carpets, civil war, banana-worker massacres, magic, incest and people getting eaten alive by ants (all of this is in the book). For some of our readers, that might qualify as the ultimate sexual fantasy, but the sheer unpredictability of the book’s circuitous plot precludes any chance of us seeing any bisexual men or women do anything. A lot of people get shot and there’s a lot of sex, so good enough I guess.

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5 Guys-4.2/5.0 Maccies for Trust Fund kids. The fries do slap, but you’ll need a new loan.

Kineya- 3.9/5.0

Best noodles in Cam... shuts too early: Perfect for day drinkers!

Franco Manca- 3.8/5.0

A divisive choice, sourdough pizza isn’t everyone’s fav. But man that Tomato base hits different after a few pitchers.

Gardenia- 4.3/5.0

A cult classic, killer kebabs and fab falafel: perfect for soaking up the gallon of cheap beer you just down’d!

Return to Burrell - Mathmo/5.0 Give up. Save your Money. Whip up some Ramen, fry some Halloumi and put on Netflix.

Uncle Franks-0.9/5.0 Not even the most experienced Boozer dare stomach this Van’s fried chicken.

The Van of Life- 4.6/5.0

The name says it all: the true pilgrimage. Cheesy chips to die for, that or the Quesadillas. Don’t forget extra Chili Sauce!

N.B. all modern maps are copyrighted, so we’ve got this. Still, I’d like to think Gardies has been around since the birth of Cam