AYear in the Merde!

A HOMAGE TO THE GREAT STEPHEN CLARKE, OUR SELFLESS CORRESPONDENT SPENT AN EVENING IN THE BAR WITH LIKEMINDED EXCHANGE STUDENTS TO FORGE THEIR OWN DOUBLE ENTENDRE – SORRY, TRIPLE ENTENTE.

I never had my head far enough up my own arse to think I knew what I was getting into with this whole ‘year abroad’ thing but it would be fair to say that, even with the bar in hell, the French have spent the last month playing limbo with the Devil.. Having spent the first 21 years of my life defending the French against their stereotypes (“Actually, the French had the strongest army in the world – they didn’t normally surrender!” “The French have lots of great cuisine outside cheese!”), I have now done a firm 180 and will be shitting on the French every chance I get.

In the interests of saving others from such an embarrassing vault-face as I have been forced into, see my 12 Commandments for a Brit Abroad: the product of blood, sweat, and many, many tears.

1. Thou shalt repeat thy name at least twice on any new introduction. The French will not understand your pronunciation unless you do your best impression of deepthroating a baguette. You will not recognise the first 10 time someone calls your name, because the accent will mangle it beyond recognition.

2. Thou shalt dismiss the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ attempts to proselytise you in town by saying ‘I don’t speak French’. The cruel twist of fate is that you understand them far better than your lecturers and, worse, all your classmates.

3. [REDACTED]

4. Thou shalt be asked on a minimum of five occasions your opinion on the Queen’s funeral. You won’t know the French word for ‘funeral’ prior to the very last of these.

5. Thou shalt order an ‘un mille six cent soixantesix’ (1666) beer at a bar. It’s a Carlsberg. You wonder how their marketing division got it so wrong.

6. Thou shalt have a recurring nightmare about the visa process even though you completed it two months ago. No, seriously, it’s that traumatic. Brace yourself.

7. Thou shalt socialise almost exclusively in English with English speaking Erasmus students. You’ll tell yourself it’s fine because of the one (1) lecture you had in French three days ago that you’re still recovering from.

8. Thou shalt successfully tell one of your neighbours, whom you accosted in the kitchen, about your hobbies and use the brief interaction to reassure yourself that you are not, in fact, entirely useless. If said neighbour asks what you’re cooking, you shall have to check the packaging, because the last time you learned vegetable vocab was year 9.

9. Thou shalt never be able to find any cheddar in any store, despite the fact every supermarché will have a minimum of 2 aisles dedicated to the most pretentious, overpriced cheese you have ever seen.

10. Thou shalt hurry to tell anyone who mentions Brexit that you didn’t vote for it, even though you weren’t even old enough to vote at the time. You’ll also die of embarrassment when your lecturer brings up the most recent budget in one of your lectures, even though you also had nothing to do with that.

11. Thou shalt have to explain, on the many occasions thou art asked if British people really eat beans on toast, that it is, in fact, ambrosia of the gods and not as grim as it sounds. Bonus points if the person asking is also endlessly confused about the concept of putting milk in tea.

12. Thou shalt buy thy own shitty €15 kettle, because one will not be provided for you. Neither will a toaster, so your trusty beans on toast lunch will become a miserable bowl of beans with bread.