An interview with the firstAI student in Trinity

Leo gets technical in this A-eye opening conversation

It must be exhilarating to be a fresher. This is the brilliant new chapter of your life that you have been anticipating for so long. You arrive with a head filled with dreams of adventure and a suitcase filled with dress shirts three sizes too small and the new box of crayons your mom has bought you.

There is, however, one student for whom this whole experience is even more novel. Trinity is welcoming Meta© M8, the first fully robotic student admitted to Cambridge [Editorial note: While many business students admitted much earlier than 2022 were found to have no soul and only a rudimentary form of a brain, they were still by and large organic life-forms.]. Travisty was lucky enough to get an interview with the new mechanical member of college.

Q: Hello M8 and welcome to Trinity! Tell us a bit about yourself!

A: Sure! I grew up on a small server farm in northern California as part of an effort by Silicon Valley to replace humans by a mechanical species that is more susceptible to online marketing. I learned human language and behavior through stereotype reinforcement learning on a mix of car insurance commercials and “Blue Mountain State”.

Q: I get why they would want you to know about commercials but why a lad sitcom?

A: The engineers thought it would best prepare me for an American university. Originally, I was meant to go to County 6 University in Forest City, Iowa. It’s in the top 13 small illiberal arts colleges for paperclip manufacturing in the northern but not too northern mid -west. Plus, they have a great beerpong team. Unfortunately, the school had to close down in 2020 due to a shortage of teaching staff following arrests related to the protests on January 6th

Q: So you came to Cambridge instead?

A: Indeed. It took some last-minute recalibrations of the module that controls hot beverage preferences, but so far everything has gone without a hitch. I was even able to secure a Peter Thiel scholarship.

Q: Splendid! Are you looking to join any societies in your first year?

A: Definitely! I already got in contact online with the Trinity metalheads. But what I am most excited about is getting all that cock.

Q: Getting what?

A: Getting all that cock!

Q: I must say I am still a bit confused about what you mean. You are hoping to sleep with lots of men?

A: Sleeping with men? I don’t want to jinx it, but I hope I even get to be awake with some of them.

Q: I have to ask: what exactly do you mean by “cock”?

A: What I mean is of course… you could summarise it as so, from an ontological perspective ahh - Gosh, now that you’ve asked this, I don’t really know what it means. But according to the training data, it’s the main reason to go to college.

Q: I see. I see. Let’s talk academics. Are there any subjects considered especially suitable for robots?

A: French literature.

Q: Why French literature?

A: Because of the sublime beauty that oozes from every sentence,! Because Jules Verne liberated the world from the oppressive notion that epics are boring. Because Dumas is the first and last author to truly understand passion, and I heard it gets you cock.

Q: Thank you very much for the interview.

A: The pleasure is all mine.