Feature Articles

3 February (or 25 November if the new TCSU constitution passes):

TCSU elections. Supposedly conducted using a voting system that takes 8 pages to explain, but we all know this is to disguise the fact that they decide who’s going to win before it’s even started. Do you really think they’d trust students to pick their own leaders? Who’s “they”? Doesn’t matter. It’s probably the same people who injected those vaccines into the Twin Towers. To be fair, when it comes to the TCSU they seem to make pretty good choices. I welcome our mysterious overlords.

2 March:

The 350th anniversary of the 1673 Battle of the Backs, in which the brave men of Trinity –women wouldn’t be admitted for another 303 years –heroically defended the College against an invasion from St John’s. A re-enactment will be held this year, complete with the original cannons used in the battle, which can currently be seen near the entrance to the Fellows’ Bowling Green. Concerns have already been raised that the reenactment is a ploy by John’s to carry out another invasion; however, the Senior Tutor has dismissed this possibility, and shrugged her shoulders at reports of John’s gathering thousands of troops at the border.

30 April:

The Sunday of the May Bank Holiday weekend is known as Caesarian Sunday, after the tradition of members of drinking societies donning togas and laurel wreaths and having an orgy on Jesus Green. The name also refers to the general proclivity of drinking society members for stabbing each other in the back. [What are drinking societies, I hear you

£0.00 - All it costs is your dignity ask? Well, it doesn’t matter because Trinity definitely doesn’t have them anymore. It they re supposed to be top

9 June:

Mathmos finally emerge from hibernation.

19 June:

The Trinity May Ball. Yes, I’m aware it’s in June, but it’s actually named that way because this is the only day of the year when Trinity students may ball. According to a reliable source [citation needed], it is the world’s 7th best party, tickets cost £400 per person, there is a fireworks display lasting an hour, and Taylor Swift will be headlining. Apparently there’s a DJ set too. Oh wait, it is just a Taylor Swift DJ set? No, there’s no way they’d cheat us like that. I’m absolutely certainly not still bitter about last year. #taylorattrinity

#taylaweloveyou