This Week’s Headlines

Other Colleges in chaos as Trinity Alumnus declared Monarch.

Futures of other Colleges’ funding called into question; will other Colleges remain forever in obscurity?

Chancellor gives Trinity tax cut, raising endowment to £100bn. College to spend on more wine for the scholars dinners . Controversial ‘mini-budget’ to be countered by Senior Bursar’s ‘Mega Budget’ to offset austerity. “As kind as it is for an Alumnus to give us a huge tax cut, we have enough money in the bank to be our own sovereign entity,” stated the Bursar. “Time to put the endowment to good use.”

Queen remains officially endorsed by College following heroic survival until end of May Ball. Refusing to pass away until this September, the Queen successfully guaranteed the ball would not face cancellation due to her death. A Ball committee member was overheard saying “She truly was a team player till the end, I respect that”.

Burrell’s Field to be repossessed by bank after mortgage deal pulled.

Mandatory downsizing requires a student eviction rate of 50%. We planned on reaching students in Burrell’s for comment, but gave up halfway down the Avenue.

Shock amongst Mac users as Travisty converts to MS Publisher.

Steve Jobs rolls in grave as World’s Greatest Publication turns its back on the in-house iOS text editor. Will Apple stock prices drop this following quarter? “Good riddance”, Tim Cook boldly told a Travisty correspondent. Investors, however, are not so confident.

Trinity purchases 2000 new duvets to address ongoing heating issue.

Works Department still ambivalent about radiator problems, source reports.

Trinity to introduce student budget menu to deal with cost of living crisis. Paltry three courses to consist of quail eggs, steak tartar with caviar and tiramisu.

Student fears were realised today when College announced the removal of crème brûlée from the menu. This is simply the latest consequence of gas price spikes in the current geopolitical climate. “Watching gas previously earmarked for Trinity Burnt Cream bubble away helplessly in the Baltic Sea is a College-wide tragedy,” Head Chef reports.

Great Court Sniper achieves record Freshers’

Week kill count of 74 (confirmed).

“It feels wonderful to get all of this appreciation,” the Sniper told Travisty yesterday evening. “I’ve been working on my aim all Summer. Bad week to be a Fresher stepping on that grass!”

Trinity upgrades Charles III’s degree class to a First.

Royal Decree upgrades Charles’ Lower Second Class Honours to a perfect Tripos score., causing a furore amongst ex-classmates. Trinity defended its decision, saying that “we couldn’t let a reigning monarch rule with a 2:2.”

Anonymous Alumnus reflects on his time studying with Kwasi Kwarteng.

Newest court at Trinity to be named New Court2 .

Architects working for Trinity are quickly running out of ideas.

“I met many smart students in my time at Trinity and I have no doubts he was one of them. However, had I known he had the ambition of being Chancellor of the Exchequer, I would have strongly recommended studying a subject at least remotely similar to Economics.”

Your news correspondents for this week are Misha, Hayden and Ruby