LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE “A&E NETWORK” By PAUL COULTER
SORRY, WRONG NUM-NUM
I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together two years. Recently, however, we’ve been experiencing conflict over the issue of children. He wants kids; I don’t. I’ve always felt strongly about this, and he said he was fine with this when we started dating. But he’s been bringing up the subject of kids a lot lately (I suspect because he’s thinking about popping the question). The discussions have grown fraught -- to the point where he was in tears at the end of an argument. I eventually said I could be open to kids because I love him and don’t want to lose him. But can this be healthy for us long-term? — Conflicted
Though many things in life come with the opportunity to push the “back” button, once you have a kid, you have a kid. You can’t just drop ‘em off at the fire station if they turn out to be precociously criminal – already hot-wiring cars at age seven. Deciding whether to have kids is a very recent state of affairs, coinciding with the development and availability of reliable birth control (starting in the late 1950s with the Lippes Loop IUD). For most of human history, unless a woman spent her fertile years all alone on one of those New Yorker cartoon desert islands, there was a good chance she’d have not just a child but the beginnings of a litter. There’s a widespread (and mistaken!) assumption that a woman who gives birth will immediately and unconditionally bond with her baby, explains anthropologist and primatologist Sarah Hrdy. Probably because of this, many people seem to believe the only thing stopping any woman from wanting a child is having yet to bring one into existence. In fact, neither humans nor other mammals “automatically nurture each baby born,” Hrdy observes. Clinical psychologist Idun Roseth and her colleagues, reviewing research on mother-infant bonding issues, report: “Most mothers find that feelings of affection come within a week from birth. However, some mothers are still struggling with this after many months. ... A small percentage may even have hostile feelings towards their infant.” In other words, the public has an overly rosy, sentimental – and scientifically incorrect – view of what’s often referred to as the “maternal instinct.” There is no such thing – and the term “instinct” is the problem. The actual scientific definition of an instinct is an innate behavior (“factory-installed” – present at birth rather
than learned afterward) that members of a species perform automatically. An example is a baby’s crying – alerting everybody in earshot, “YO! I HAVE UNMET NEEDS!” (Nobody has to send their baby to crying school. It automatically wails its little head off when it’s wet, scared, cold, or wants a sip o’ nippy.) In contrast with automatic instinctual behavior, there’s behavior that’s learned as well as behavior that is only sometimes triggered in some members of a species. Accordingly, the misnamed “maternal instinct” would be better termed a maternal impulse or motivation. The impulse to nurture one’s infant is just one motivation that may arise in a woman. Hrdy has long emphasized that ambivalence and even rejection of an infant are other impulses a new mother may feel. (Unfortunately, the myth of instantly falling in love with one’s infant is so pervasive and strong that women who don’t experience this tend to feel there’s something wrong with them.) In reality, “maternal commitment” tends to emerge “piecemeal,” Hrdy explains, and is “chronically sensitive to external cues.” By “external cues,” she means a woman’s current context – such as whether she’s unable to adequately feed and protect her infant. War, famine, postpartum depression or even a new partner who doesn’t want another man’s child are contexts that may even trigger infanticide: a horrifying maternal impulse but a maternal impulse just the same. Thankfully, this impulse is relatively rare in our society, and many women (and men!) report “falling in love” with a child they never planned to have. Maybe...possibly...you’d become one of those “in-love” women and be wildly happy you’d had children. However, in your email, you repeatedly made it clear that you don’t want kids. You are only considering it because you love this man and don’t want to lose him – which is quite different from wanting children. You might ask friends who are parents to an infant and other young kids to let you spend a long weekend with them. Admittedly, this isn’t the same as parenting your own kids, but it might give you a sense of whether you’re actually up for the job – or whether you’re like me. Personally, though I have great respect for devoted, loving parents, if I were in charge of a thing that screams like it’s being eaten alive by a zombie, it would take about 20 minutes before there was grain alcohol in my coffee – and in someone’s sippy cup.
GOT A PROBLEM? Write to Amy Alkon at 171 Pier Ave, Ste. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email her at AdviceAmy@aol.com.
©2021, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Alkon’s latest book is “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.” Follow @amyalkon on Twitter or visit blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon.
PAGE 20 THE ARGONAUT OCTOBER 7, 2021
ACROSS 1 Leader who succeeded Muhammad 7 Tried to get home, say 11 Boiling state 14 Beliefs 18 Keys on a piano 19 100 cents 20 “I, Claudius” role 22 Texter’s “Then again ... ” 23 Govern in Austin? 25 Set of rules for a jury? 27 Sault __ Marie 28 Throttle 29 Pretentious 30 Anthem contraction 31 Group name derived from the Dutch for “farmer” 32 __ blanche 33 Like crazy 35 Graceful antelopes 38 Volume subtitled “100 Good Excuses”? 40 Car bar 41 Bodies usually bigger than bays 43 Mercury Theatre co-founder Welles 44 Farm units 45 Lawyer’s filing 46 “The Texan” star Calhoun 48 The Eagle, e.g. 51 Eric the Red’s son 52 Comedian Shecky 53 Currency exchange abbr. 54 Mozart’s “__ Kleine Nachtmusik” 55 17.2-millionsquare-mile area 57 __ metal: dark ’80s-’90s music genre 59 Snakes’ weapons 60 Party garb
them for one going 4 Coolers? as a pollution 5 Winds also called inspector? ottavinos 65 Historic period 6 Result of keeping with a lot of a cap on too long risks? 7 Goes after 68 Bob of “Fuller 8 Elegance House” 9 401(k) alternative 69 Explode 10 Big affairs 71 Full of slime 11 Out of gear 72 Breezed through 12 Entertain at 73 Animation frame bedtime, as a tot 74 Family reunion 13 “Sixteen Tons” attendee singer whose 77 Botch nickname is his 81 “__ so you!” birth state 82 “No problem!” 14 Games gp. 83 Name of two 15 Waited, not presidents always patiently 84 Privilege 16 Roadster in 85 Broadcaster the Henry Ford 88 A lot Museum 89 State bordering 17 Crow with Baja Grammys 90 Cube-shaped 21 Brit. lexicon stones for a fireplace shelf? 24 High spots 94 Overly optimistic 26 Metal-threaded 95 “Chicago Med” fabrics pro 29 Golden Triangle 96 Location country 97 Clamorous 31 Shameless 98 Color TV pioneer 32 Eye-opening 99 H.S. exam for cupful college credit 34 Spanish span 101 Brownish gray 35 Emphatic type: 102 Cacophony Abbr. 105 Wizard’s 36 They actually communications prefer fruit and device? grains to cheese 107 Braided Greek 37 “Frasier” actress cheese? Gilpin 110 Biblical plot 38 Kitchen counter 111 Blood type, briefly staple 112 Lash mark 39 Cocktail order 113 Shade 41 Coll. senior’s test 114 Fit together 42 One-eighty compactly 45 Cookout choice 115 Classified ad 46 Babe with a bat abbr. 47 Dept. of Labor 116 Comply with arm 117 Slow-moving 49 Tech sch. mammals alumnus 50 Big butte DOWN 52 Base figs. 1 Bounders 54 Fast bucks 2 Settled (on) 56 Barfly 3 Euros replaced 58 Represented
oneself to be 59 Casbah headgear 60 Morales of “NYPD Blue” 61 Agreement 62 Seemingly forever 63 Lyft rival 64 Paragon of stubbornness 66 Denials 67 Dairy grazer 70 Light fare 73 Street edging piece 75 Crash site? 76 Royal Navy initials 78 Pizzeria chain, familiarly 79 Motorist’s decision point 80 Donnybrook 82 Frites seasoning 84 Holiday guests, maybe 86 1995 court VIP 87 Go over 88 Cottontail’s tail 89 They usually don’t have laces 90 Mythical males with tails 91 Game keeper? 92 Homeowner, visà-vis the bank 93 Cooperstown’s lake 94 Attack, as of an illness 97 Foul 100 Saigon soup 101 Word game piece 102 Bit of progress 103 Allergic reaction 104 Dundee disagreements 106 Tolkien creature 107 Wee hour 108 Information source, with “the” 109 __ Schwarz
