Saturday, December 20, 2014 by The Westfield News

PAGE 12 - SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2014

Annie’s Mailbox By KATHY MITCHELL and MARCY SUGAR

Is there any recourse? Dear Annie: My brother-in-law married “Rose,” a divorcee, a year ago, although they had been living together for several. This was a second marriage for both of them, and they each have adult children. Rose died three months ago from a quickly spreading cancer. She was only 67. Here’s the problem: Rose’s three adult sons insisted that the name on the death notice, death certificate and grave marker be her first husband’s, with no acknowledgment of her current legal last name. My brother-in-law protested, but was bullied into doing what the boys wanted. But that is not the end of the story. The sons then had their father’s ashes placed into Rose’s coffin and buried them together in a Catholic graveyard -- and their father was Jewish. Our family is distraught over these unethical, horrific, selfish events. Can you imagine being buried with your divorced husband’s ashes? These were not her wishes. Is there any recourse? -- Hurting for My Brother-in-Law Dear Hurting: Were Rose’s wishes in writing? Did she leave instructions with an attorney? Rose’s children want their parents to be together. Your family can consult a lawyer, but it is unlikely you will get the ex-husband’s ashes disinterred unless your brother-in-law is prepared for a legal fight. We suggest your brother-in-law put a second death notice in the paper with Rose’s legal married name so that their friends and family members will know. Beyond that, please be supportive of whatever your brother-in-law chooses to do. Dear Annie: Several months ago, I placed my husband in an assisted-living facility because he has Alzheimer’s disease. My grown children and his doctor helped me make this difficult decision. I’ve dealt with feelings of guilt and several times thought I should bring him home. But then I remember how worn out and frustrated I was when I was doing everything. I see him often. He’s well cared for and content. A friend of mine visits a family member at the same facility. Today, she called to tell me that my husband said he misses me and that he’s lonely. And then she added, “Wouldn’t you be?” I know full-well that none of this actually happened, because my husband has been unable to carry on any type of conversation for a very long time. Why would someone want to make me feel even worse? -Feeling Bad Enough Already Dear Feeling: Nice friend you have. Some people enjoy poking their noses where they don’t belong and eliciting a shocked reaction. It makes them feel important. She may even be projecting her own feelings of guilt onto you. Ignore her. She isn’t worth one second of your time. Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Sad Mother,” whose adult son may be suicidal. I know about this. I agree with your advice, and ultimately the burden is on the individual to seek help. However, it is our obligation, no matter the difficulty, to address suicidal statements with severe responses. If the son has said, “I want to end my life,” or has made plans or expressed ideation toward self-harm, that must be dealt with immediately. I had to call the police and have a loved one taken to the mental hospital by force. It is challenging to accept that someone you love may need to be hospitalized. But expressions of self-harm and plans or wishes to die are serious and should not be viewed with a “wait and see” attitude. Waiting could be deadly. I would rather apologize to a living person than second-guess myself at a funeral. -- Empathetic Reader Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

HINTS FROM HELOISE HOLIDAY CENTERPIECE Dear Heloise: Here is my hint for a quick centerpiece for the holidays: Use a few short wineglasses, turn them upside down and place a small candle on top, or a “flameless” one for safety. Put a pretty ornament, small pine cone, sprig of holly, etc., inside the glass. Group several for a centerpiece, on a side table or in a windowsill. I’ve done this especially when our budget was tight, and no one was the wiser. -- Shelly J., via email PLUMP RAISINS Dear Heloise: Is there any way to re-plump raisins? I went to make a recipe, and the raisins I had were all dried out. -- G. Newman in Chicago Don’t throw away those raisins! It’s as easy as a pot of water on the stove or a small bowl in the microwave. Heat a cup or so of water, then put the dried-out raisins in and let them sit for about 10-20 minutes, or until they look plump. Remove the raisins and spread them out on some paper towels, then pat dry. There you go! -- Heloise

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