EDITOR-IN-CHIEF VOL. XV
Facebook/Instagram: @xzaviervsimon
Website: www.themodernqueer.com
Instagram: @N.E.I.L.K.
Facebook: Xorianna Djinn
Website:
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. - James Baldwin
Within the last 3 years, transgender people of colour have been hit hard. The systemic killings, the bathroom fiasco, the military ban, lack of access to medical care and treatment are just a few things But it's not just these last few years. Hate, violence, and ignorance have been inflicted upon queer people of colour, not just from the general American society, but also from our own communities.
I say it is an honor to interview queer people of colour because it is. We face and overcome some unimaginable obstacles. The Modern Queer is a place that strives to represent the gamete of queer experiences and the transgender community is no exception. That the featured guest would agree to speak her truth, knowing the dangers and potential backlash speaks volumes Let us honor her and listen to what she has to say.
Welcome to Vol. 15
XZAVIER V. SIMON Editor-In-ChiefXorianna Djinn comes to the Modern Queer at the request of a mutual friend. Dr. P told me about a unique woman who would be perfect to speak with, and I couldn't agree more. But, and I laugh about it in hindsight, I almost blew the opportunity on a technicality. So much for naming a magazine Black Boy Bluez.
I'm excited about this conversation because it takes a look at the life of someone who represents the transgender community of colour. She is a proud and politically savvy woman. Not only that, she's a writer, and ya'll know I love talking with fellow writers.
In the hour and fifteen minute conversation we shared, of which much is not present, I rarely spoke. Well, at least in the beginning. For me, and I hope for everyone else, this was an opportunity to learn and gain insight. I wanted to know first-hand things related to the transgender community and to Xorianna's experiences.
And what experiences to behold. There is power in her story--a yearning to be something better and overcome the difficulties of life. Should we get this started?
"I am a woman. I don't just identify as one. Just in the same way that I don't "identify" as trans. I am trans..."
Thank you for agreeing to do this. I know it must’ve taken you by surprise to get a text from some random guy like, ‘hey, do you want to be interviewed for a gay magazine? [laughs]
I mean, Dr P told me that you would be texting at some point beforehand and okay, I guess it was really out of the blue [laughs] It was much faster than I thought it was gonna be
To be frank, I didn't even know queer people were walking around the University of Michigan – Flint (UM-Flint) like this. I mean outside of Dr. Britt, you ’ re the 3rd student from this campus.
We're incog-negro
Y’all something. [laughs] I’ve been wondering if this campus is low-key some sort of gay hub.
This college is more focused on liberal arts and things of that nature That tends to draw folks like us, I guess
We are very artsy folk at our core. So, first few questions: name, age, pronouns, and where you identify on the spectrum.
Okay I'm Xorianna Djinn 21 Fae, Faer, Firs, She, Her and Hers pronouns Along the gender spectrum I'm definitely a girl. Sexual orientation wise, I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian at this point. [laughs] I'm pretty sure. I've considered guys and it's like, I know how you guys were growing up and you haven't changed much. I'm also not all that interested anyway, so I'm not going to put in that effort. [laughs]
[laughs] Well, I must apologize again. Our first initial conversation...I know I said something that rubbed you the wrong way.
A little bit, yeah
I felt your whole energy shift. I was like awww shit I done fucked up. [laughs]
No, it's fine. I don't like saying it like this, but it's not like it was something that you would know. I'm trans and gender stuff bothers me. Specifically, Black Boy Bluez, I was like, okay, cool that sounds like a great thing, but I'm not a dude.
Right. [laughs] That's why I explained the name and everything immediately after.
Yeah. After that initial conversation, I started combing through the magazine.
So Black Boy Bluez, the name this was originally under, started from a conversation. I had the blues about what was going on with the Black LGBTQ+ community, specifically here in Flint. You know, Black trans people are being killed. We don't have a lot of visibility in media. There are few outlets for us really to share our stories and narratives and give our viewpoints.
I wanted to change the narrative or rather create one. In that space of thought, I got real bluesy. As well, I was like, I’m going to call it this and it stuck. It’s a Black boy who had the blues. The idea is to interview Black, Latinx, Native American, and Asian people who identify as queer. With that being said, my real first question is: where did you grow up and how was your childhood?
I grew up here, and my childhood was shit.
Okay! We’re off to a great start already. [laughs]
[laughs] Indeed One, I am trans Two, I was growing up in an environment where I was the first child after a miscarriage out of wedlock to a 17year-old
Welp…it is what it is at this point. [laughs]
That's a thing that weighs on my mind sometimes But that guy became my biological father and he stayed with my mother throughout the time that I was raised He was initially going to get into the music business, specifically the rap side of things Supposedly, he was on the cusp of making it big or signing some deal, and then I happened cause his dumb ass couldn’t stand to put on a condom
That’s how a lot of us got here. [laughs]
Yeah, super great. But, growing up with me and my siblings who came afterwards, it kind of felt like he was holding that over our heads. There are more specifics but…
No, no, no. I guess I should’ve said this up front. I want you to be as authentic as possible,
but that doesn't mean revealing things like some huge childhood trauma that you ’ re still trying to process. If you want to speak on it fine, but I just want to make this a conversation and as comfortable as possible. Does that assuage a couple fears?
Yes So, lots of physical, emotional abuse My biological father threw me out because he didn't like the way that I fold clothes My grandparents threw me out when I came out to them, and then I couch surfed with a friend for a while Through the Emergency Housing Program here at the university I got into the dorms It is really expensive and not great, but it's better than the street
You were homeless for how long?
About a week and a half. I mean technically, legally, I'm still homeless.
I guess with that little bit of story hopping, we'll get straight into the meat and potatoes. You identify as trans?
No. I identify as a woman.
Okay, thank you for clarifying. I have a request then: as we go through this, please assist me with language, terminology and definitions.
Being trans means your gender identity is not what the doctor assumed it was You don't just identify as your gender You are your gender, because gender is an imaginary concept humans came up with to put people in boxes I am a woman I don't just identify as one Just in the same way that I don't identify as trans I am trans, because the word transgender is an adjective not a noun
Thank you for making that distinction as well. And again, let me know if I'm being offensive or anything. This is an incredible learning experience. I know two other people who transitioned: one from male to female, and the other female to male. The first, we used to work together, and I tried to learn as much as I could from her before she left. The second, we talked from time to time and he would send me photos of his journey taking testosterone. Since then I haven’t had the opportunity to speak with this branch of the community.
"Trans people aren't running around trying to peep at people in their bathrooms."
Well, that's great because I'm probably the best person to come ask about it.
And why is that!? [laughs]
I've always felt kind of off growing up in general. Later, I found out that that feeling of off-ness was dysphoria. The last couple of years I started seriously questioning as I had gone through a lot of transition. My family had taken me out of Southwestern and sent me off to Mott Middle College, which was supposed to be better in theory, but really wasn't all that great I met some cool people who helped me question myself and the beliefs that I held They were instrumental in showing that some of these things are wrong, as well as just making me think, does this even make sense?
That happened to me in 2013. I met a peculiar bunch of people who radically transformed my
life and everything I believed. They pushed me and in many respects still push me to this day.
I was really Christian up until that point. Over that course of time, going to the new school and meeting these people and making friends, I discovered that…well, not so much discovered…
You understood what you were feeling on the inside. You could now understand and recognize what that meant.
And because of the way that I am, once I came to that revelation, it was study time I went and poured through as much gender theory and understandings as I could get my hands on for the course of a year and a half I'm still digging and learning as much as I can, you know In terms of understanding the nitty gritty and the specifics of all the terminology and that stuff, at least on transgender issues, I'm you ' re a girl
That leads me into my next question: what is the nitty gritty? We’ve heard a lot on the news about instances of…well, it's already enough brutality on Black people in general right? But there's been an increasing amount, at least as far as media coverage is concerned, around the transgender community. We had the whole bathroom fiasco a while ago. In your mind, how do you see how all of this is transpiring and how you feel about it?
How I feel about the way that things are transpiring on the national stage is…it's frustrating to say the least. A lot of the things that are being said and floated around with politics don't have anything to do with the actual issues Trans people aren't running around trying to peep at people in their bathrooms That's not a thing
Right. But that sense of irrational fear blinds people and they make up the most outlandish shit. To that point, these people clearly haven’t investigated gay clubs. [laughs]
Statistically, we ' re more likely to be attacked in bathrooms or places in general We're not the group that's going to go around doing dumb shit in the bathroom or anywhere else. We're terrified of everything that's going on. In general, a lot of the rhetoric that's going on in politics right now about trans people, it's particularly from right winged conservative groups. There's no danger with trans people walking around existing and dating. We're not scary bad people. I mean I can go into specifics about the military ban that's baseless. Being trans doesn't impact your ability to go murder children overseas It doesn't impact your ability to work in the workplace
You would think right? But the way they portray it...
A lot of it's intentional There is vested interest in making sure that the gender binary stays intact because it makes it easier to stick people in boxes When we start getting into the grays or pinks and blues or whatever things get messy It's harder to market to people
And it's safe. The one thing people hate more than change is feeling like they don’t have control. If I can’t control the way you look, act, speak, etc., then I’m liable to, in extreme measures, kill you.
That's not great for the bottom line for people in power It means they have to change and do things a little bit differently or reconceptualize things It's well within their interests to make sure that things stay the way they are They'll do and say whatever the hell they can, whether it has any merit
Where’s my tea got damnit! And will do it in a way that makes you say: well it’s gotta be true!
There's a difference between ignorance and bigotry Bigotry as it exists, is just a stubbornness to maintain ignorance. Allowing that to fester, as that's pushed by media companies, politicians and stuff like that, is just to make sure that things stay the same so that profits stay high.
Do you feel like society and the world is changing for the better regarding these specific issues?
I think so. I think overall the population is generally at a, I don't care sort of stage A lot of the stuff that's more polarized, that we ’ re actively aggressively against or for, is stuff that people have vested interests in The general populace doesn't really care Most people can’t tell There’s no way to look at someone walking down the street and know they are trans
[laughs] Right! Then I would question, why do you care, and why are you looking so hard? Adding the component of race moreover, how does this reflect in your life?
Growing up the way that I did, people were often scared of me. Since transitioning, I've lost a couple of inches of height. I've gotten smaller since the course of the year that I've started, and I was Black! That makes people uneasy because of racism and bigotry and all that wonderful mess.
"Because of the political rhetoric that's going on in right now with all this fear mongering and nonsense, if someone notices or clocks you it gets extra dangerous."
Growing up, being in a situation where you feel people are scared of you all the time or you see somebody clutch their purse when you walk by every so often…it gets to you after a while. But then after transitioning that's changed in some respects.
I think we as Black people can readily identify with that struggle. Which is something I feel should unite us as Black people. But, I want to throw out that until we address the issues we as Black people have with the Black queer community, we ’ re not going to advance as a collective.
Because of the political rhetoric that's going on right now with all this fear mongering and nonsense, if someone notices or clocks you it gets extra dangerous Not only are you reduced to this twisted caricature of a person in their mind, you ' re also this twisted character of a Black person in their mind. It's like two layers of nonsense.
If you ’ re comfortable speaking about it, can you talk about your transition?
After I was kicked out by my sperm donor, I went to stay with my grandparents Around that time I was 19 It was the summer before my 20th birthday I was still doing research and digging to learn more about transitioning, trans and gender theory and all these wonderful things I came across information about the nitty gritty with the medical procedures associated with transitioning
Interesting. Tell me the nitty gritty!
I found out that around the age that I was, your hips start to fuse together. There's not much that can be done in terms of the bone structure and stuff like that. I was like if I'm going to start, I should really, really, really start now. [laughs] Within the course of that summer, I made lots of attempts to look around the area and find out what I could about being able to transition and get Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Because I was associated with the university, I was able to talk some people that I met here, and they referred me to [Wellness Services] Wellness referred me to a nurse practitioner, and she helped me get the second letter that I needed for HRT through the informed consent model
That’s incredible. I used to work at Wellness back in 2016 and I learned about HRT. Not the nitty gritty of it, but I had to do research. I had to put on domestic violence workshops and informational sessions around queer health and related issues. I did essentially what you did. Was this a smooth process for you? Was it free?
Smooth…that’s debatable [laughs] but it was technically free. Normally it's kind of expensive to be able to transition, and even to just get hormones.
Yes. I hear and read about how hard it is for trans people to get the medical care and attention they need.
It can be difficult to find people who will
actually give you the letter so that you can be prescribed it There are ways you can get access to those online and things like that, but at that point, you ' re trying to self-medicate
Which happens a lot.
If you screw up your levels, you can screw up your body Thankfully I was able to find the people that I needed to get the letters quickly I was able to get it for free through the Healthy Michigan Program that's associated within Genesee County I'm so broke I get this thing for free pretty much [laughs]
Wow! Never would have imagined that. I read a lot about how difficult it is for individuals to get hormone treatment and find doctors and nurse practitioners. They are readily discriminated against because of bias, stigma, religious dogma...just spirit was on your side for real.
I'm really, really lucky in that aspect I'm like two steps away from being able to take the letters I need for SRS and everything else I'm just really fortunate that things have played out the way they have
I am too. Thank you. Wow. What is SRS by the way?
Sexual Reassignment Surgery It's also called Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS)
Oooooo. I knew GRS, but I didn’t know there was another term for it.
I say SRS because I've always been a woman.
How do you handle all of this mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? How have you found your center through all of this change. All of this has happened very rapidly, right? All within what, the last three, five years?
Yeah like the last three years
So, how do you remain centered?
"I'm held together by glue and grit and spit and duct tape and lots of flimsy string."
I
don't [laughs] [laughs] Well!
I don’t is the short answer. [laughs]
So, there’s a raging fire brewing in there huh?
All things considered I really don't. I kinda keep it together more or less on a day to day basis. A lot of that is just a mask. I'm held together by glue and grit and spit and duct tape and lots of flimsy string [laughs] I lean on the friends that I've made
That was next question to you.
I lean on the friends that I've made thus far since coming out I've met lots of people within the LGBTQ community that have been supportive Even some of the friends that I met here before have also been supportive That's been really helpful to not spiral all the way off the deep end
That’s something I’ve had to do countless times on my own journey. Moving past all of that, in our conversation, you mentioned that you are a writer. When did you know you were a writer?
I started seriously writing around fourth grade. My mother knew cause she took the most interest in developing me intellectually outside of music. She probably knew I was creative because I used to draw and do different stuff like that I started trying to write a book in fourth grade I finished like 12 chapters
Recently, I haven't tried writing a book again, but I have been writing little short stories and stuff associated with different ideas that I've had I've been writing a lot of erotica as commissions to make ends meet
I used to write real nasty shit on my MySpace back in the day. [laughs] My ex liked it when I texted him dirty stories so he could jack off to, and recently I wrote stories centered in exploring sex. I can see the appeal from my angle. [laughs] But asking you straight…why erotica? You said that it was to makes ends meet, but is this something that you enjoy writing about?
I don't really know entirely. I enjoy writing and I like writing dialogue the most, but I'm not totally sure how I completely feel about writing erotica My relationship with sex in general has been complicated because of sensory issues All things considered, it's not directly associated with me, so it doesn't bother me as much to think about There's not very much good erotica out there, or good porn in general I decided, people still beat off and I guess they have to do it with some kind of aid, if they're using an aid at all So, why shouldn't it be a good aid?
[laughs] Why the fuck not!
Sex sells so better sex should sell even better. I would've much preferred to start writing more stories that I'm more personally invested in. Writing those things out means that you have to garner a following first. I'm in kind of position where I needed money now cause I have to eat and pay for classes and things like that.
So, the thing that you love has become the tool used to survive. Boy that creates a different kind of energy.
I started writing to start garnering some revenue and it hasn't produced a whole bunch But I can eat, and I've essentially gotten rid of all of the clothes in my wardrobe now, so I'd say I'm doing okay
Are you writing this under pen name?
Yes
And where can we go to find these stories of yours?
You probably can't find them anywhere I've been doing most of them on commissions That means it's mostly been one-on-one I talk with the client and they tell me what they want, and I go, okay, I can do that. I tend to charge more for kinks that make me uncomfortable.
Wait, so you do personalized erotica stories!? Not gonna lie that shows kinda hot, and I’m a little jealous. [laughs] You send the stories to them personally?
Yes At least over the course of this winter semester, I plan to start working on setting up the Patreon and possibly posting my work on Reddit
Do you have plans to write short stories, novels or self-publishing?
I'll probably be self-publishing short stories for a little while Since I have some ideas that I've been sitting on for both erotica and not, I'll probably start working on more long form stories and hopefully a novel as well I'm working on it
What do you hope to manifest from all of this? Because right now, I don't feel like...well I wouldn't necessarily call you a social justice activist.
That's definitely what I'm shooting for. [laughs]
But right now, I don't get that vibe. I get like a scavenger, explorer, just absorbing knowledge and information.
Oh, that's because I'm kind of in survival mode at the moment
Oh! [laughs]
Like I mentioned before, the past three, two-ish years well, most of my life has been ripe with problems I'm kind of still in the middle of a hurricane and trying to get on my feet or less I definitely want to do social activism
"You can only live so much of your life suffering before you get sick of it."
As a writer, listening to you speak about writing, I think one of the things you'll find, and if you don't already do it a lot you should do it, is healing in writing for yourself and understanding more about who you are. You'll come to learn and hear your voice. What I love about writing is the exploration of self. You have to go on a journey of who you are to be able to sit, focus, become a vessel for spirit, and write.
That's what I feel eventually will happen to you. You can't just be a writer. I mean you can, but there would be no internal satisfaction. As my favorite author ever, and probably greatest inspiration over the last 5 years James Baldwin said, and I’m paraphrasing: nobody wants to be a writer. It’s not something you just decide to do. Writing is...it gets so much deeper than we know. [laughs]
Yeah I feel like even writing some stuff that I used to write as a kid for fun and that weren’t for my book got personal and made me think about myself in different ways I imagine that’s probably what will happen as I continue writing and doing this
Tell me about the inspiration or rather what pushed you to be featured?
Because Dr P recommended you to me Then after our initial conversation, over the course of looking through the magazine, I was like this will be cool It didn't seem like a therapy session At this point I'm a little bit more comfortable talking about them to some degree than I was before.
I'm noticing this second season there’s a real big push for freedom and letting what was not known, known.
Uncovering the truth.
In noticing that, are you comfortable with not only having conversations with yourself and your friends, but potentially hundreds of other people?
The answer to the question is yes Also, I don't really know that I have much choice all things
considered Try as I might, I tend to end up a prominent figure no matter where I seem to fucking go I can't escape the attention
Isaiah said something similar. He said he didn’t think he really had a choice in the matter either. For those people who will be reading, who are getting to know you for the first time, just regarding who you are, your experience, what sort of wisdom and advice and encouragement can you get those individuals.
Write things down and don't be afraid to follow through on plans that you ' ve set for yourself. If you see something that you want, go ahead and look for it as much as you can. You're going to slip and fall a lot, but at the very least, try to shoot for the thing that you want. We don't really have much time on this planet.
I want you to know you have an inspiring story. Even if it might be a rocky road, it is very impactful. I believe it should give you great strength. What I want you to do is think about the last three years of your life. In what way would you say that your life has given you strength, has made you grow as an individual? Has given you more power to say, ‘fuck it, this is who I am. I'm just going to go out and just be who I am. ’
I'm not sure what specific things I mean, I grew up Christian, so a lot of this stuff I learned initially was detrimental to me being able to do that And by the time that it got to a point when I was ready to do that, I kind of said, fuck it I guess I'm just going to hell.
That was a lot of us.
I guess the thing that made me feel the most stable in terms of coming to grips with the fact that I can just be, was realizing that there's not much else left You can only live so much of your life suffering before you get sick of it You can go, okay, it's do what I want or die and not have done what I want Either way, you ' re going to die, so you may as well give it a shot
That is a real shit. Morbid [laughs] but real shit.
I guess that’s kinda morbid. Memento Mori is the reason that I'm able to do what I'm going to do. I'm going to die anyway, so I may as well try.
You say all of this, and yet you ' re still among us in the living. What gets you up out of the bed to face all of this?
I guess cause I feel like killing myself would be quitting and I'm too stubborn Least for now [laughs]
And it is that stubbornness that will move you forward. For real. I just want to say again, thank you so much for agreeing to do this. It does take a lot of courage, a lot of strength, passion, tenacity to put your life out there like this. I would know because I do this myself. It’s scary and challenging, but insanely rewarding.
I found in my experiences, that my life gives people hope. It inspires people. We don't share a ton of experiences, but we share similar feelings about the things we ’ ve experienced. I wanted to kill myself at one point. Tried to but that didn't work. That's when I realized, yeah, I'm kind of a coward in that department. [laughs]
I feel that. [laughs]
My family grew up Southern Baptist. My grandfather was a preacher and my cousin tried to kill himself because my grandfather preached about homosexuality negatively in church. And for a long time, I guess I had a weird sense of self. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a Black boy, I saw a white boy.
That would be racial dysphoria
Thank you for giving me that technical term cause I did not know it. [laughs] I started to educate myself and learn about, you know, what being Black is to me and getting comfortable in my sexuality, my identity, which took a while and wasn't easy. A lot of it I went through by myself. It is why I can sit here and have this conversation
and interview with you today. I say all of that to wrap this up in a nice pretty bow is…your story is powerful, and it will inspire people. It inspired me. I was ignorant, and now I have a way better understanding of a lot of things.
I think a lot of us, even within the LGBTQ community are ignorant and don't know much about what goes on with our trans brothers and sisters or nonbinary folk. Black people in general can be very detrimental and hurtful to each other. I was just thinking about this while I was waiting on you. I thought, it's amazing how we fight for our people as a whole and yet our own people kill us. Isn't that quite ironic? I hate when people say it gets better. I hated that. When people told me that when I was like 16, 17 I'm like no the fuck it doesn't. [laughs]
It really doesn't
But [laughs], it did get better. Not because of other people but because of me and my relationship with the divine. Find your truth and be confident in who you are. Xorianna Djinn, thank you so much for doing this.
