MiguelFlores
CREATOR - EDITOR
PHOTOGRAPHER
VOL. XXXIII
Xzavier V. Simon Miguel Flores
Facebook/Instagram: @xzaviervsimon
Website: www.themodernqueer.com
Youtube: The Modern Queer Podcast
Instagram: @musatukurah Omar Musa Tukurah
Website: @musatukurah.smugmug.com
Photo Editor for light photos: Edison Alejandro
Instagram: @miguelqflores @shamanmiguel
Concept: Miguel Flores
Makeup Artist for light photos: Shaliah Dorner
editor’snote
Before we begin this volume of The Modern Queer Magazine, we want to take a moment to honor the ancestors pictured here: Ubalda Patiño, Mattie Lou Goolsby, and Pauline “Pola” Flores. Furthermore, this honoring is extended to Miguel’s entire ancestral lineage, both maternal and paternal. We give offerings, love, abundance, and peace to the ancestors who have poured into Miguel Flores, allowing Miguel to grace this realm to their fullest potential In their honor, we bless this volume so that all those who read, share, and discuss it will experience growth and healing and be guided in full strength by their ancestors Ase
Miguel Flores and I have known each other well for over 10 years Since then, our lives have changed significantly in unimaginable ways I’m proud to be able to create space for not just people I happen to meet but also for those I love This volume has been in the works for two years now In spiritual terms, it wasn’t time to share Miguel’s story, and I wasn’t ready to hear the depths of Miguel’s journey.
But as our conversation begins, if there’s one thing to know, we’re on Spirits time. This conversation between friends happened during Spirit’s time, and it is such that everything you read is Spirit’s doing. So kick back, relax, enjoy a supremely cut-down 4-hour interview, and enjoy some incredible photography.
With love, Xzavier
PAULINE “POLA” FLORES
UBALDO PATIÑO
MATTIE LOU GOOLSBY
O S C U R I D A D A T R A V É S D E L A L U Z
MIGUEL
Interviewed by: Xzavier V. Simon
FLORES
D A R K N E S S T H R O U G H L I G H T
Photographed by: Omar Musatukurah
I am excited. This has been two or three years in the making. So much has happened, and it’s finally, we are here
Make sure we’re recording this time. Remember last time?
It was such a good conversation, but now in hindsight, after everything you’ve been through, I’ve been through, we’ve been through together, this feels like it’s the moment especially with everything going on in the world.
Let me start with this. We are all on Spirit time. We’re on the ancestors time We have this plan for our lives and try to control every aspect of [it] And when things don’t go as planned, we see it as a failure But really, it’s not a failure or a setback Spirit runs the show As Joy said, this is Spirit shit And the more we lean into that, the easier [and] more abundant life will be for us.
Absolutely. Thank you so much for agreeing to sit down, have this conversation, and share your life. You came up with this incredible concept of the photos and story that we were able to capture. And now it’s like putting words to it. [The Modern Queer] is Spirit led, born and created. So, where would you like to start on this journey?
I wanted to talk about mental health. There’s so much to say about it I want to start off with childhood trauma because I feel like in POC communities, LGBTQ POC communities, we’re often told to overlook these trauma seasons In a way, we are programmed by our families and society that this is a normal thing. What I’ve had to realize is my mental health issues, and my spiritual abilities were born
from the childhood trauma that I experienced I think a lot of LGBTQ POC are afraid to dive deep back into their childhood, back into these experiences, and revisit these memories.
I remember when I was trying to seek help from Western medicine, which never worked for me. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I think that, as indigenous peoples, we need to understand and realize that Western medicine was not built for us. It was built for our colonizers. So, I struggled through that system of Western medicine and tried to find a solution for the multiple things I was diagnosed with when the solution came from within
The solution didn’t come from going to the psychiatrist and being on drugs, going back and having to up my dose, and checking myself into a mental home. That was never the solution. Was it part of the plan? Absolutely.
But I think that because of capitalism and colonialism, we have forgotten the way of our original peoples, and we have forgotten that having a mental illness in Indigenous culture means that you are chosen that you are a god. It’s a sign that you are a prophet, and Western medicine, in a sense, in my opinion, completely demonizes these imbalances from their understanding
I agree. With the advent of going within, dealing with, and revisiting those memories, I truly believe that [many] of us don’t want to do that because we don’t know how to and don’t have the tools Also, some of us don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with the shit that we find. It’s not just about dealing with the
trauma. It’s also about accepting it, accepting our role, and understanding that we’re not victims When did you discover that you were having these challenges and these traumas?
Honestly, I would say since I was a child. I didn’t decide that I wanted to do something about it until I started college. I experienced, saw, and went through so much. I went through so much abuse at a young age. My nervous system was shot. I lived in a lot of fear. I was very insecure because I witnessed so much domestic violence. I witnessed women getting beat around me
I was molested at a young age I was in and around communities where people were being shot and killed There was so much happening around me and I was always very emotional Well, I was born emotional.
I definitely can relate to that.
I’m a firm believer that we choose our lives, and we choose the challenges and traumas before we get into this body. Is there some free will? Yes, there is. But I know that I chose to go through childhood trauma. I chose the trauma that made me who I am today, even though it hurt like hell. I chose in this lifetime to be a witch doctor, to invoke spirits into my body, and to do all this amazing work
So, I want to pause for a second. To me, a very critical and core component of spirituality is this aspect of responsibility that we have as spiritual beings, and we chose this experience we chose this life.
UNIVERSAL TIME
“We are all on Spirit time. We’re on the ancestors time”
We chose the family we were born into. I have seen a lot of people over the last couple of years give push back to that way of thinking. Why would I choose this? I agree with you, though. I chose this. For me, having that sort of viewpoint, that perspective, empowered me to start taking a more active role in my life and being proactive instead of reactive and responding to everything. But explain how you came to that point where you accepted that you chose this experience.
It took me a while. When going through the deepest depths of my healing, I’m like, let’s go a little deeper and figure out why I had to get quiet and listen to Spirit In the world we live in, the opposition does everything they can to disconnect us from our connection with not only our honorable ancestors our angels but also our spirit guides and our higher self
When I was going through my panic attacks, when I was checked myself in the mental home, I’m like, why did I choose this? I had to rely on my community. I knew Spirit would send people to help me. I knew the ancestors would send answers, and eventually, they did. But, I had to get quiet, start meditating, and ask Spirit why I chose this. Unfortunately, the system does not teach people how to connect with their pineal gland, third eye, and the higher realms.
We’re talking about energy. We’re talking about this acceptance. But how does one get quiet and connect with their higher self, connecting with their internal guidance and spirit system?
These abilities that we think are hidden, dormant, within us, or we
we don’t have; they are abilities that we’ve had in past lives One thing I started to do was look into my past lives People are like, “Oh, that sounds hard ” No, it doesn’t Meditate. Set an intention.
I turn off my phone. I don’t listen to the outside world. I connect with Spirit. I connect with the ancestors. I give my ancestors offerings. I give my Spirits offerings. I give myself offerings. You have to cut out all the outside noise and energy, even if it’s coming from parents, family, and friends because this is about you and your connection to Spirit.
Spirit’s going to tell you things that parents, family, and friends are not going to agree with If you do it and you feel alone and depressed, maybe you need to journal and write down why you feel alone and depressed Where [does] that come from? Does it come from childhood? What memories can you revisit and write down, burn, and throw into some fire?
People try to make it seem so complicated to connect with Spirit and your higher self, and it’s not. You have to make the effort, and you have to want to get better. This may be somewhat of a painful process, and yeah, we can acknowledge that pain, but we can acknowledge that revisiting that pain is going to heal it.
We’re sitting in meditation. We are disconnecting from the world. We’re doing all of that. And now we start feeling things. We start hearing these voices because it’s not enough to listen. There, the trusting and having faith in what it is that you’re getting internally, especially as it relates to dealing with that trauma, dealing with that pain, dealing with that loneliness
and depression. How did you come to trust what you were getting?
That’s a good question I think it’s paying attention to those doubts and where those doubts come from. Cause we all have them. People need to understand and realize that you are not always your thoughts. Your thoughts are sometimes outside entities. The biggest thing for me was working through instead of ignoring those thoughts coming up. [But] people like to preach all this love and light stuff but don’t like to talk about the healing that comes with it.
I love the meme of the guy in the water saying it’s not that deep. It is that deep!
When I was going through that process, realizing that I’m doubting myself, [it’s] where is this coming from, and how can I resolve this? Let’s not ignore it. Let’s integrate it so that we can transmute it into the light or even transmute it into the
“Spirit’s going to tell you things that parents, family, and friends are not going to agree with.”
dark to be an ally for us moving forward We need to analyze that more and do the inner work, the shadow work, instead of pushing it aside. The most pivotal moment for me, when I was like I’m gonna change my life, is when I went on a fast. At the time, I was still in the Catholic Church. I went on a fast for 40 days and 40 nights.
The
dedication!!
It was a fast from drugs and alcohol because I was getting turnt every weekend. I utilized drugs and alcohol. The first time I drank and smoked, I was 11 and a half going on 12 My mom and my family caught me [At] about age 16 or 17, I was in the Catholic church Luckily, I was in a Mexican Catholic church, which is very much mysticism and spirituality I felt such a strong connection to God and the saints, which I call the Orishas now
I fasted, and I started hearing voices When I was in church, during Lent in the Catholic Church, [you] usually touch a fountain of water to venerate yourself before you go in. I touched it, and I felt the hand of Christ. As soon as it happened, I started to hear the voices.
At that time, I didn’t know I was a shaman, a witch doctor. I spoke to my mom about it [and] she’s like, ‘Well, you know, we do have these abilities.’ And I’m like, well, I’m going to get checked out. I was working with one of the best psychiatrists on MSU’s campus. She was like, ‘Well, you’re not bipolar So, if you’re hearing voices, it might be psychosis ’ They scanned my brain They didn’t find anything She just looked at me and said, there’s a spiritual reason behind this We can’t explain it
She said that?
“...these invisible wounds, if we don’t treat them, they leak into our physical bodies, and they turn into illnesses and imbalances...”
Yeah. She had a small background in yoga and meditation. That’s where it started, and then I went to see my first psychic. She told me what my higher selves would tell me: You’re not crazy. You’re a shaman, you’re a channeler, you’re a healer [and] this is why you’ve had all this childhood trauma. In that moment, I knew I was speaking to my higher self and my life would change. But I had to put in the work. That’s kind of where it all started It was very rough and heavy after that
Let’s talk about the fucking work because there is some dark and heavy shit that we have to go through. You talk about being molested and being abused. You talk about having these experiences with spirit and people thinking you’re crazy. Now, you go through this shadow work.
What the Christians call hell, in shamanism, there is a hell, but it’s called the underworld This is where we go to heal It was hard because I couldn’t play the victim. To me, I’ve been raped while drunk. I’ve been sexually assaulted while presenting as a woman because I’m gender fluid two-spirited. These people left harm on me. It left an etheric scar an invisible scar. These etheric scars, these invisible wounds, if we don’t treat them, they leak into our physical bodies, and they turn into illnesses and imbalances that doctors can’t explain.
We need to thank these spirits for their role because the more we play the victim, the more we feed the opposition When we’re doing shadow work, we need to shift our perspective from victimhood to stepping into our power and being okay with feeling depressed There are times in our journey when we’re going to have to feel through some things, but we don’t have to stay stuck in those things.
It’s for sure a moment of taking back and reclaiming your energy and power.
We can thank those people, places, and situations for the roles they played, and that takes a lot of work as a victim to thank their abuser. But once you realize how much more powerful it made you, and once you realize that spiritual maturity, that’s how you let them go It might not even be forgiving
As you’re going through this underworld and as your memories, life experiences, and past life stuff pop up, what is Spirit saying to you?
When you do the shamanic journey, 10 minutes can feel like 20 years because everything happens so fast What’s going on through my head is, ‘Wow, I am powerful.’ It was liberating when I got ate by a snake. The snake ate me to purify my vessel. I cut myself out of the snake, and then the snake became a spirit animal of mine.
Rebirth and reincarnation.
It’s nothing like what we’re taught. But again, that’s because we are taught and programmed in a specific way, especially if you live in the United States And if we go out of that norm, it’s considered demonic or harmful Shamanism exposes all of that
Everybody’s process in this journey is different. There are similarities, but everybody has their unique way that spirit has them going through to heal. Did you think the process would be longer or shorter than you thought it was? And did you find yourself having to go through a lot of stuff alone?
I would tell myself I am healed through things I wasn’t, which is a disservice to your higher self. I see that a lot in society and my clients. They say, ‘Well, I thought I healed from that.’ No, you didn’t. Don’t play yourself. I feel instead of putting a timestamp on it and saying this is going to be so long or so short, [trust] the process Healing is a continuous thing
Spirit may have a completely different plan for you now Here’s the caveat The majority of people don’t want to go through with that plan they’re given because [it] is heavy and dark, requires us to be very uncomfortable, and requires us
to look like lunatics That’s the biggest challenge is trusting in your higher self or Spirit or whatever you believe in when they have you out here doing some crazy shit for your healing, and it’s unconventional. You know that still is my biggest challenge.
The gag is that it doesn’t get any easier. It’s more challenging. It feels like we do even crazier shit.
It gets more challenging, but if you can have a strong mindset and say, ‘Well, it’s getting more challenging because I’m getting more powerful,’ you’ll be at peace with that With those challenges come rewards to where it’s worth it But again, that also comes with reprogramming your mind, which is hard It’s not easy
You’re taking me down memory lanes thinking about stuff What we consider to be the spiritual life, the spiritual journey, we’re still comparing ourselves to other people’s journeys.
This worked for such and such, so I’m going to try it for myself instead of checking in with your ancestors to see if that’s something your lineage ever did.
It’s also getting comfortable being uncomfortable. It’s getting comfortable being unconventional. It’s getting comfortable walking in the absolute unknown, pure darkness where you have no idea about the next. I remember the crazy shit Spirit had me through. Social media is a big one.
Spirit will say write this and post that shit. And I’m like, why do you want me to put this out there like that? What is this about?
You learn some of those things and discover more through the journey. One of the biggest challenges I remember was being told I had to sit in the house.
Yeah. That’s a hard one. I’m glad you brought that up.
Spirit was like, no, you cannot leave. You have to stay right here. You cannot leave this house. I’m like, what am I supposed to do?
This is a challenging thing. Even some of the closest people to you, when you tell them the instructions you were given, they’re gonna say, ‘You think Spirit would really want that for you?’ Meanwhile, this person is not connected I’ve had that happen
You and I have had conversations where I’m like, ‘I don’t understand what the hell you going through, but I’m holding you in love support.’ Sitting still is still one of the most challenging things that I’ve ever had to experience. In sitting still, there’s no running away no distractions. It’s you, and it’s Spirit. It is beyond intense. It’s every single day, every minute of every hour, and they’re in your ass. And you just like, can I get a break?
The break is when you sleep. Even then, you’re astral projecting. You’re going out into the etheric realm, doing x, y, and z. You’re having dreams and visions, then you’re waking up confused. But I have to say that I’m incredibly grateful for those experiences. It gave me the fortitude to be able to deal with stuff. During that time, Spirit told me I couldn’t get a job
Ooh, I hated when they told me that for six months Oh my gosh
When Spirit tells you to depend on them, that was tough. The gag is that we’re always dependent on Spirit, but we use money, materialism, other people, and so forth as dependent things. With Spirit, you don’t know how or what you gon eat that day. You don’t know about anything. That was a level of scariness I’d never experienced before. I’m getting a little emotional thinking about that time in my life.
I’m out here looking crazy, and everybody’s judging me. Meanwhile, Spirit is like, I love you. You are exactly where you need to be. I got you. And little do you know, it’s about to pop off. It was hard dealing with trauma, family stuff, my relationship with my father, and my relationship with myself I had to admit that I wasn’t always the best person.
That some things I did were fucked up, and I had to admit that. Sometimes, I’m not always the good person I think I am, and I better understand that I am a multifaceted individual, that I can make mistakes, that I can fuck up, and that despite my flaws and mistakes, the Universe and Spirit still love me. That unconditional love from the universe was so important.
I know you’ve had your own experience being told you must sit still. How did you get through those moments where Spirit was so in your ass about you need to do this?
Another big issue with individuals is they’re scared to go into the astral, different worlds and realms.
In those times of solace, and I’m sure you can relate, that’s time well spent We’re meditating, going into the astral realm to figure out what’s going on in our life.
Because of my background, because I have indigenous blood, it’s always been ritualizing my time alone, doing offerings, doing spiritual baths, doing research, and not having a teacher to show me how to do these things. I’m saying, okay, baby, we’re not crazy.
I remember.
It’s a time of self-reflection, disconnection, and getting into a ritual When I’m spending that time alone, I’m doing a three-day ritual I’m doing a three-day spiritual bath I’m [doing an] offering to an Orisha or two I’m ritualizing this free time to disconnect from the world, connect closer to my guides, and listen to what they say
Your higher self might tell you stuff you don’t understand, but you do it. You lean into spirit because that’s how you learn. Once you do it and you listen, you’re like, y’all was trying to pull some demons off of me from my ex.
Y’all were trying to save my life.
Y’all were trying to save my life, and I almost didn’t listen. I think the biggest thing is it’s going to be different for everyone
You’ve been through and experienced a lot. With queer people, our relationships with our families are unique. Some of us have better relationships with our families than others Regarding your mom, y’all have had moments and experiences throughout your life. How do you balance your
journey with spirit and heal from the trauma that has come from family over the last couple of years?
Well, that’s a loaded question. What I’ve had to realize is although we may not agree with our parents or our loved ones, and although they may do and say things that hurt us because of their unresolved trauma or because, in Mexican culture, you can’t speak against the elders even when the elders speak against you and disrespect you and your entire existence, you are told to shut up, you have to understand and realize that you chose this family, this life, and they play a very important role in your life
Once you begin to evolve and grow and change, you see the generational trauma, and you see family members going in circles, not breaking the cycle It comes down to discernment, disconnecting, and realizing that just because someone is related to you by blood doesn’t mean they’re your true family.
I heard that.
Listen to Spirit because there are lessons you need to learn through it. Those lessons are going to trigger them, make you look crazy, make you look like you hate them or you’re the bad one, and that’s okay. My family is very powerful I don’t hate them I love them But I have learned to put up boundaries
We need to understand and realize that although they are important and always will be, you have to understand that they’re there to teach you a lesson Sometimes, that lesson may mean you need to distance yourself from them.
That lesson may also mean that there may be family members you hold closer than others, and unfortunately, they’re going to feel some way, and they’re going to react.
But yeah, that’s how I feel about that. To the family that has always loved and supported me, which I’ve gotten more from my dad’s side, I truly am thankful and grateful that they’ve always supported me. I remember my great grandma, who just passed away on my Mexican side.
When I told her I’d moved to Hawaii, the only question was, ‘You got a job?’ in her little Mexican accent As long as I was working, she knew I was good And I said, ‘Yep, I’m working for myself right now I’m running my business ’ She said, ‘Okay ’ You know that’s love right there
I also know that this interview [will] trigger certain relatives and family members. But you know, this is my truth. This interview is the closest to a tell-all anyone’s ever gotten to me because I’m a Capricorn.
The honor.
I think it’s a personal responsibility not to react to certain things they say about you or energy coming your way because you’re giving in to that and allowing that to manifest. So yes, we can say, they’re going to say this, do this, do that But how are you going to react? Are you going to stand in your power?
I’m exposed right now. I was uncomfortable stepping into that space, into that power. I saw too many people abuse power and use it in a way that was malicious, manipulative, downright hurtful, and disrespectful.
So, I always had this fear in the back of my mind that if I had this power, I wouldn’t have used it because I was scared of what I’d do with it And I learned that’s not trusting Spirit and myself.
I love my family dearly. I love my mother, but I know where we stand and that boundaries need to be put up. Certain conversations need to be had, and certain conversations are not worth having. She’s where she’s at in her life. She’s exactly where she needs to be.
When we release control about [how] other people should act or respect us in our life, and if we really understand and tap into the power and spirit of unconditional love, sometimes love means moving out Sometimes love means traveling across the world and taking a vacation to Hawaii and then deciding, you know what, I’m going to stay here for a month or two. I’m going to tell my family over text.
It be like that.
I think everything is a choice when it comes to tapping into your spirituality, finding a community, putting up boundaries with family. Everything is a choice. You have to decide. Spirit is going to tell you to do things that are not the norm. And I think that’s where the biggest blockages come through with people
They’re not willing to be uncomfortable and end up stuck in their 9 to 5, not living their dreams They feel soulless because they’re not following their dreams People are depressed because they’re not doing what they’re supposed to be doing here.
In the aspect of community, Spirit has told me, we are your community. It’s not about finding community externally It is communion with the spirits, getting that close connection, and strengthening it with the spirits, ancestors, and guides who come through you.
The thing is, you’ve got to be right with yourself and with your ancestors before they’re going to allow you to go out and create these bonds and connections with other people.
At the end of the day, who is your God? Is it these people in this spiritual community? It’s easy to lean on and depend on others to help you spiritually or through anything. All the while, Spirit is like, hello from the other side type shit.
Every morning, I do a ritual. I do yoga. I do meditation. I do breathe work. No one’s ever going to know the ins and outs. I start my morning like that every day to seal off my energy and prepare me to leave the house. When I come back into the house, I do the same thing. People think, oh, my ancestors got me. My angels got me. Your ancestors are going to give you the tools.
And they do.
They are protecting you from so many things But there are certain things that you need to have in your own hands They’re going to lead you to yoga, meditation, breathwork, [offerings], and things like that But you have to pull the trigger on that And you can’t walk around like, ‘Well, I’m that bitch.’ Trust me. I have, and I’ve got my ass kicked.
Alignment
“When you are truly in alignment things are going to come to you and everything that you need ”
You are that bitch, but we need you to do these rituals so that that doesn’t happen If something does touch you, we need you to know what to do to get rid of it. I perform exorcisms and things like that. I think that’s one very large part of [today’s] mental health discussion not being discussed. A lot of these people are not crazy. They are seeing and feeling demons and spirits. We’re not talking about what we feel when we walk into a room [that] heavy energy.
It be heavy!!! I remember reading a long time ago that in Maori culture, autism is described as someone being in their own time and space. That hit deep.
As you know from experience, one of the most challenging things is when you are led by Spirit Spirit may have you do specific things for a specific reason I’m gonna tell you a story about my celibacy. Sex has always been something I’ve struggled with. One of the reasons why I’m here is to heal people through sex. I’ve been through a lot of sexual traumas, and I started to use it as a drug as a way to escape. I was on my celibacy journey for a long time. I think today marks like a hundred and something days.
Congratulations.
Thank you. One day [Spirit was] like, ‘We need you to have intercourse with this individual ’ And I’m like, ‘What? I thought y’all told me I was healing, and I couldn’t ’ I was so scared, but Spirit was with me They’re like, ‘We know you’ve been practicing celibacy for a while, but now it’s the time ’ It was so crazy ’cause I had gotten so many signs from Spirit to do it. I did it; it felt liberating and healing, and nothing but good came from it.
And it’s important to realize that it’s okay not to have a full understanding of what’s going on at the moment that it’s happening You’re trying to pre-empt some shit. You don’t even know what’s going on. I say this from legit personal experience. Some shit is going on, so it must mean this. It must mean this is gonna happen. I’m wrong literally every single time. Just go through and experience the journey, whatever it may be. One day, Spirit may tell you to do this; the next, Spirit says we’re done with that.
You have no idea what impact you’re having and what that impact is doing for whomever. And I get it, especially when you have had trauma trusting. People have hurt and betrayed you. People have told you they love you only if you do these certain things. And now you are on this spiritual journey with Spirit telling you to do these outlandish things. You’re wondering how can I trust this when I can’t see it. I can’t physically touch it. All I have are these feelings and hearing these voices.
However, I’ve had so many occurrences where somebody is going through something or needs a word, a compliment, or a hug, and Spirit activates you to trigger a healing moment. Those are the many confirmations that let you know that this is going somewhere. I can trust this inner voice. I can trust this process and this journey more. I can get comfortable listening, and my internal healing is happening. But! And I have to stress this. Don’t nobody gag you like Spirit Spirit will tell you shit about yourself, and you can’t believe it in both good and bad capacities.
Yeah, I think you touched on some really important things We’re told you got to grind and work, you have to have this, you got to have that A profound message that came recently through a reading that Babalawo had done on me [is] ‘When they run, you walk.’ When in alignment with your soul’s purpose, you should not be struggling to get something or to meet your goals.
That’s where we truly fall short when we don’t break through those generational patterns of trauma and curses. When you are truly in alignment things are going to come to you and everything that you need
If you ever read the book The Body Keeps the Score, a doctor proves that these physical illnesses and physical diseases are directly connected to our emotional state I chose to live a very challenging yet prosperous life and there’s no way around it. The challenges that you and I have faced behind closed doors, most people would fold.
As you’re talking, this emotion is welling up in me because it’s twofold. There’s the inner personal individual healing and then the collective healing. We walk into these spaces, engage with these people, do the inner work, and are told to create and start the things we do for our healing and the collective.
As a practitioner of ancestral veneration, live fully for your queer, gay, black ancestors who could never come out of the closet Live apologetically for your ancestors, your lineage, who didn’t have the same opportunities. Utilize your power by breaking those generational curses in your DNA.
It’s a great responsibility.
Some people call us starseeds, indigo children, or chosen ones. In indigenous teachings, we come from the stars. We are born from the stars. We were planted onto the Earth as galactic warriors. We reincarnated here. We struggle mentally, physically, and even sometimes spiritually because we come from higher vibrational planets that are way more evolved This largely inspired the photo shoot
I’m glad we could do it.
This photo shoot is a story of my life When I’m in all white, I’m in this nest, crawling out of it. I meditate. I’m starting to remember that I’m going to be okay because I have so many powerful galactic beings from different worlds here with me as well, right? I’m coming to terms with coming into this body as a Miguel because this is just my avatar. When facing these challenges in this dense world, holding onto the tree, and tugging through life, what am I supposed to do?
There was a time in my life when I wanted to kill myself, and the only thing that was keeping me here was ooh, trying not to cry The only thing keeping me here was my nieces and little cousins I knew that if I left, they, my mom, and my family would be so broken But the kids in my life, they saved me
So that’s what this story shows. Then, towards the end of the story, [there’s] that connection with nature figuring out that I’m a water deity. Realizing this pain, agony, and suffering can be healed in and through nature, I am more at peace. I’m happy because I found the water.
I found my element. I found my reason, my purpose in nature. When I am going through it, and I’m having mental health issues, I go into nature. I put my feet in the river. I don’t care how dirty they say that fucking river is if Spirit tells me to. That’s where I’m going.
Come on, Red Cedar River. You think about the name red cedar, which is a tree. With all the healing properties and nature, it’s a river that holds too much. They need to tell a different story about it.
That led me to the main solution [about] the mental health issues that I struggled with for years Once I realized that was a tool to help me get through any and all challenges, my journey was good. Is my journey still challenging? Yes. But I’m not suffering like I used to.
I agree. Whenever we go to the water on MSU’s campus, not only is it fun, but I also feel a lot better, and my energy is cleansed. I love going there.
It’s become such an important aspect of my life. I wanted to show and share it I know many other people, spiritual or not, have felt and are feeling the same Throughout that story, it shows where I’m still a little uncomfortable I’m still unsure what the fuck y’all got me out here doing But again, finding peace through nature, I want to advocate for everyone to do.
Absolutely. One reason why I always love coming here so much is because nature is readily accessible in a way that it’s not in Flint. It is transformative.
And it’s what’s gonna help you get through those moments of, fuck, nothing’s helping. I’ve had times where I was at my lowest, and I’m like, let me go out into nature. Let me lay in the grass. I don’t even care how dirty I get. Our ancestors communicate to us through and heal us through nature. There’s this whole agenda to disconnect us from the ways of our people.
All of this was preparing me to step into my role as a witch doctor This makes so much more sense to me now Look at how powerful I am [But] gratitude is the biggest thing because you can’t get too bigheaded When you work in this field, you can’t. You have to be careful with that.
It reminds me of a conversation my boyfriend and I had. When we first started talking, he asked what I saw in him because we’re in different spaces in life currently. I told him I had some unique experiences with Spirit and that I was aware enough to know that at any moment, all of this could be over. I’ve lost everything I’ve owned three times. This is the third time the rebuilding process has happened, and the rebuilding has improved each time.
You have to be humble. You have to discern what my ego is, what my Spirit is, and what my truth is. As you evolve and heal, you start to become more confident. You begin to trust in Spirit. I went through this and I can get through this. What everyone sees happening in my life are the rewards when you overcome.
A WATER SHAMAN
“LGBTQ+ people are the warriors; we were the shamans.”
A Warrior Shaman
Can we pause real quick on the rewards? Don’t lose that thought because we’re cooking We’re cooking a pot roast in the oven, and I don’t even eat meat, but I can taste it. What I’ve dealt with in my path, not only being a child of Oshun but also being who I am and the energy I carry, and I don’t like this about my journey, is there’s so much jealousy and envy.
I’ve struggled my entire life not understanding why people were so jealous of me when they don’t realize what the fuck I’ve been through. Especially when you’re not giving that energy out and just being yourself I think that is a huge component of mental health for spiritually gifted people too
Something that I’ve never spoken about on the record, in this capacity, is when I started doing journalism. I’ve never really talked about the jealousy, the envy, the spiritual attacks, the energy people had whenever I came around.
People didn’t see what I had to deal with in solitude and meditation. People were mad and upset because I’m queer. They were jealous because of how I was writing and the level of access that I was getting. Then we add that people might have been doing this for years and couldn’t achieve the level of success that I’m having, you know what I mean? Some people felt threatened by what I was doing.
And yet, here’s how good Spirit is. I would go through all that, get fired once, and leave twice. Then Spirit would say, ‘Wait. Chill.’ I’m having a moment because what am I gonna do? I don’t have another job.
Meanwhile, Spirit says, ‘I need you to sit here and deal with whatever you are dealing with.’ Lo and behold, I’m back on the scene days later. Spirit had me so tough that no matter what happened, I would do this.
That’s why I believe it when people say what’s for me is for me. I believe it when Spirit says they got me. I believe it, complain, and cry when Spirit says sit still; I got this. I’ve never gone on record anywhere to talk about the spiritual aspect of journalism in Flint and how much negative low vibrational energy I had to absorb or zip through. But I’m still here. That said, it tells me I’m where I need to be, doing what I’m doing.
People don’t understand the type of energy and frequency they’re sending out with their hate It’s a reflection of the work they haven’t done themselves and not living out their true purpose. They’re not being honest with themselves.
On my father’s side, we are Afroindigenous. We are Cherokee people. On my mother’s side, we are Mexican, but we have a lot of indigenous ancestry as well. However, I realize that there’s so much trauma in the LGBTQ+ dating scene.
To be an initiated, to be a high priest, to be a high priestess of Native Americans tribal unit, you had to be LGBTQ+ You had to be what people call bisexual, gay, queer, trans, all of which were considered two-spirited
Sure did!
Which, let’s talk about these labels
You were who you were Am I saying labels are 100 percent harmless? No There are certain things that I’m proud of. I’m proud of being Afro-Indigenous [and Mexican]. I’m proud of being twospirited. Queer.
[The] original peoples of these [lands] didn’t have a label for gender and sexuality. Back in the old days, just like with mental health, [being LGBTQ+] was seen as a gift. They knew the ancient mysteries. To channel both masculine and feminine energy meant you were god-like.
LGBTQ+ people are the warriors; we were the shamans And unfortunately, capitalism has completely wiped away that concept and demonized us But that just brings me to dating while being Black and queer and Mexican
That’s a lot to unpack. I don’t even know where to begin.
I will say dating people of color that are gay, specifically black men; my experience with that has been, ‘Wow, he’s amazing. He’s powerful, but he has so much unprocessed trauma.’ Why does he have this trauma? Well, because he grew up in the black church and his family believes this is a sin, and he was bullied when he was a kid.
So, it’s all these cultural aspects affecting queer people that we have to sit through that people don’t realize on the outside This is something we need to be consciously aware of It connects back to mental health Verbal abuse is considered domestic violence.
This is something that affects us all.
I’m single going on seven years. The last real committed dating/relationship I was in was horrible. It made me realize that it is very challenging for queer people of color to date and to find other conscious people. Often, we look at the physical body and [don’t] look with our third eye to see what their spirit is like What type of entities are carrying them? I know because I’ve had my ass kicked many times by having sex with the wrong person because they were this, that, and the third It’s important to be careful who we share our bodies with because I’m still healing internally and physically from men that I’ve invited into my sexual energy that shouldn’t have been there.
That Boston relationship was crucial in many ways. If nothing else, just for the understanding that people can still be spiritual and not do the work. You can have these abilities but don’t use them, don’t want to use them, don’t listen, and do a buncha other things. You talk about the mental health aspect of abusive relationships, and after that relationship, I was fucked up. I had a horrible sense of self. I did not trust people. I was very, very closed off. I hated having to go through the experience, but I understand why.
That experience opened me up to having to deal with the mama issues, grandma issues, daddy issues, abandonment issues, and the issues around how I’ve seen my family get fucked and tore up in the name of love It was a hard way to learn some life-changing lessons.
I’ve seen my mom bend over backward for men, and men do her wrong. It’s, again, that generational trauma that we are supposed to be here to break. That might be normal in my family, but that’s not normal for me. I don’t want that for my kids. I don’t want that for myself. As humans, we don’t want to be wrong about our discernment. I might not want to face the fact that, dang, I chose him, and this was meant to happen. It is a reflection of my trauma and my self-worth
This is one of the reasons why I appreciate my current relationship. For one, I’ve gotten more comfortable in myself, and for two, somebody is holding space for me to be myself. Here I am in a relationship where who I am is enough. I appreciate him, but it’s also triggering. I’ve realized from this that there are reasons why I am closed off, why I don’t engage in particular ways, and why I’m very afraid to open up sometimes. I’ve learned these things because I’ve been granted this space to be me.
Right There’s so many things about love to be afraid of when you’re black and queer. How someone looks, dresses, and acts must mean how they are in the bedroom. My favorite playground was NYC because there was so much acceptance of who I was as both a man and a woman. There was so much of an acceptance of masculine men wanting me to take control of them, and I’m in a dress. Just certain things that I knew wouldn’t happen in Michigan.
When I was in DC there was this different vibe black people possessed across the board. Not that they were freer but that they felt freer. Another thing I appreciate is the fact that I can be vulnerable, soft, and not judged because sometimes I like being the little spoon.
That fluidity is the great thing about being queer
Absolutely, and that’s part of the work that I’m doing now because I need this experience to heal some shit that I’m holding on to.
Sometimes you need somebody [where] you realize I have some healing I need to do. Dating queer and being who I am, there’s so many layers behind it, you know? Luckily, it’s changing. But where do we go from here?
I love that question. Where do we go from here?
When we started this journey, we started it with your concept of being birthed into this realm, coming into this heaviness, and going through multiple dark periods. I’m curious, and hopefully, this can help other people on their journeys: what made you keep going and not give up? I’m sure there were times when you were like fuck all of this.
Honestly, my family. We may not always see eye to eye, but I know how much I mean to them, and they mean to me. Another aspect is my initiations those painful yet beautiful initiations that remind you who you are Another is my connection to nature It’s such a loaded question, but that’s what’s coming to mind The biggest thing out of all those is that I wanted to keep going for myself
I knew that I wanted more for myself. I didn’t want to continue to live with family and spiral in and out of depression all the time. I wanted to travel, fall in love, live, and be an artist. My higher self knew that there was more to this life. I saw and felt it, and I still do.
You have to want more for yourself and believe that it’s possible. It’s so crazy that we’re doing this interview in the Detroit area now because this is where it started. This is where I kind of blew up I went to a fashion show in Flint my first fashion show and my modeling career took off faster than I ever expected It was all in Detroit
We’ve come full circle in a lot of different ways.
I’m trying to cry, but it helped me come [from] a humble beginning.
I’m still dealing with insecurity, and I know it’s from trauma To see myself in a magazine or website is not even about being on there; it’s about what I’ve been through and knowing that this was possible and that this was only the beginning. Then, getting all this attention and healing people by being myself, being happy, putting myself first, and realizing that you’re not meant to live a hard life. You’re not meant to struggle. You’re powerful. You can do this.
When I started my career here, I blew up so fast, and my life changed. Then I started going to New York [to model] I also fell in love here with the wrong person, and that shut everything down It’s full circle I fell in love with a man who made me realize that I needed to get back into my healing space I thought I was going to marry him [So], I found love here I found my career here, and now I’m back finding myself again
I want to talk about it. All of this is very real and very tangible. It’s validating, honest, and all those things because these journeys are hard. They are intense and full of love, growth, and gratitude. But some of them are cutthroat. Some of them have you out here alone and by yourself. These different things can happen, but I love how you said that full-circle moment.
At some point, everything comes to a head. I believe it’s up to us to have the self-awareness and recognition to notice the signs. My boyfriend just showed me this clip from iCarly where she says that sometimes you just gotta switch it up on the bitch! That’s what you gotta do sometimes You gotta switch it up on yourself and make the decision, consciously, that you want better for yourself.
I know that I can do better. I know I can be better. I don’t have to be stuck in these situations. I don’t have to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of reliving past trauma and creating more to have to go through.
Miguel: I would say 75 percent of the people that I’ve encountered, deep down, know what they should be doing, but they don’t have the motivation to do it. They don’t have the action. Part of my purpose here is to continue to lift up my LGBTQ+ community, specifically [people of color].
I also feel like it’s very interesting how people will invest so much into a house or car, all these material aspects, but they won’t invest in themselves Oh, it’s too much for this reading and this healing when you have these powerful ass practitioners who charge their worth.
Investing in self is something that Spirit had to kick my ass on. I remember several conversations with Spirit about who cares how much it costs. This is what you need. This is for the betterment of yourself. This is an investment to get you to where you need to be. At that moment, I think what we think gets stuck on, wondering how this is going to come back and benefit me financially.
Right
I don’t think we stop and think far enough to switch it up and look at the benefits as not about the money but the experiences and the knowledge that will happen and we’ll get.
A DECISION. A CHOICE.
“Everything is a choice. You have to decide. Spirit is going to tell you to do things that are not the norm. People are depressed because they’re not doing what they’re supposed to be doing here. “
R E E D O M
That’s very true Getting that help removing those blockages and doing the healing work, you [will] have access to money and nicer things in life that you wanted. My money blockages are clearing up because I’m doing the work. I have other practitioners that can help me through it. I could speak for myself too [wanting the benefits] right away.
You started this conversation by saying we’re on Spirits’ time. Human time is nothing like spiritual time, right? I can speak from my journey. When we talk about removing blockages and going through the dark and the light. Part of it is having to come to the realization that there are people in your life and things that you are doing that are creating blockages.
When you’re heavy into the ancestral work, a lot of blockages, issues, and traumas are in our DNA. Not all medicines are going to work for you. Not all herbs are going to work for you. I had to learn that shit the hard way. I had to learn that there are certain natural modalities of healing that my ancestors didn’t touch, and they were not effective for me. I had to learn that there are certain things I have to go to the doctor for. So there’s also that balance and knowing.
You’ve been through light. You’ve been through darkness. You chose to come into this world and experience these things in the way you have. I’m curious about you in the present. What are some things that you have learned about yourself and taken to heart?
I’ve learned that I’m much more powerful than I ever thought, and [I’m] grateful and understanding that
I’m so much more than just Miguel Sometimes I’m a shapeshifter One of the biggest things that I’m still working through, luckily my great grandfather Ubaldo Patino is helping me out, is stepping into that power unapologetically.
I think that sentence right there, stepping into your power unapologetically, knowing you’re going to piss people off, knowing you’re going to trigger people, knowing that this is going to hurt family, knowing this is going to hurt friends, knowing people that are going to say, ‘Oh, he’s crazy,’ [that] I’m still going to do this because this is what I’m here to do I don’t give a fuck [is] when you reach your peak Does it take time? It might
It sure the fuck does. I don’t want delulu land nobody on that.
The other biggest thing is taking care of my physical body. Luckily, I’m very healthy, but there are some blockages that I am working through that are manifesting into minor things. I’m eating and praying over the food and the water. I fucking got this. I chose to go through this so that I can learn my medicine.
We’re all learning our medicine. That’s what mental health is about. You are learning your medicine. This is why you’re going through all this shit because you are learning your medicine so that you can help others So, step into your fucking power and don’t force that power on other people
Also very true.
Part of having this power is there is going to be so much opposition, jealousy, [and] hate. I find that a lot of us sensitive beings, when we’re in
these positions of leadership, have a hard time really stepping into our power Stepping into our power means being in the dark, not just the light. Stepping into our power means standing up for ourselves when we want to brush things off, but we can’t. It doesn’t have to be a spiritual experience for you. It might be something different.
Don’t compare it. Find your power in your way. Make it make fucking sense. I’m thankful [you’re] stepping into your power. I’m thankful and grateful to have the time to express my creativity through art. This experience has really healed me I know it’s going to ricochet and heal so many other people
My last question. Where are you and Spirit going to and getting yourselves into next?
We’ll have to wait and see I definitely will be saying goodbye to Lansing very soon. It will always be my home. I’m always going to have workshops and advocate for my community. But me and my Spirits will end up somewhere very hot, very sunny, and where there are a lot of beaches and water.
That’s a lot of fucking places.
I’m meant to travel. I’m going to continue to build on being a nomad. I will be traveling much more and living in different places around the world Follow the journey Thank you so much For anyone feeling like they need help, I’m here, and I’ll do my best to be of service to others But, first, being of service to myself I encourage everyone else to do the saying
And that’s a wrap. Perfect.
“I’M STILL GOING TO DO THIS BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I’M HERE TO DO.”
