Anwar Anwar Anwar Anderson Anderson Anderson
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF VOL. XXV
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EDITORIAL
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Vol. XXV marks an achievement. Not only does it feature someone who's, in my opinion, an icon in Flint's queer community, but this volume celebrates Season 04 of the Modern Queer Magazine and it's 1-year-anniversary. This idea, birthed in an iHop, has come so far. What a remarkable achievement.
This year the Modern Queer adds 12 new additions to the lineup. Every month will feature a dynamic, multi-talented, Black queer individual. When this year concludes, the Modern Queer will have interviewed 36 people. But enough of that, let me introduce our featured guest.
Anwar Anderson is a man known throughout many different communities. During the beginning of my queer journey, his name was one of infamy, and yet today, he stands wiser, healthier, and understands who he is. I met him, officially, in 2015 when the agency he works for hosted my very first book signing. Five months later, we would work together at that same agency.
During my time there, Anwar and I developed a friendship and a bond. I got to understand him, share ideas, life stories, and the occasional keke. As the only queer men of color there, I suppose you could say it was inevitable and vital that we understood one another.
I appreciated that he was on the level. Anwar was and still is, incredibly gifted. He sings, designs, does makeup, dances, and knows how to throw lavish parties. He is steadfast, true to his beliefs, and doesn't take any shit. But, underneath all of that is a sensitive soul. He loves as hard as he fights. He's loyal, sometimes to a fault, and if you ever needed something, he'd probably be the first to assist.
It took some conversations and us healing individually and as friends to do this interview. This isn't an exhaustive look at who he is; he's gonna need a book for that. This shines a light on a man who's evolving, gaining confidence in himself, and moving towards greatness. I present Vol. XXV's guest, Anwar Dylan Anderson.
"I GREW UP IN THE PROJECTS, AND THEN WE MOVED A LOT."
I am here with the legendary, and at the same time, infamous Mr. Anderson. How are you?
Pretty good. Just tryna make it through the end of this fucking 2020.
Aren’t we all? [laughs]
Dude, you do not understand it [laughs] I stopped a lot of shit. I cut a lot of shit off. It's time for a change.
I have to say from when we worked together in 2016 to now, we’ve grown and matured. Without that, I doubt we could have this conversation. Let me reiterate for the record why I wanted to interview you. I got the opportunity to work with you and develop a friendship. I thought, ‘damn, this a solid guy.’ [laughs] You didn’t keep a lot of drama, and I was used to a lotta gay niggas keeping drama. You went to go to work, made your money, had a little fun, fucked around a little bit, and then went to sleep.
And repeat. [laughs]
I respected that. But before all that, let’s start with the fact that you’re from Chicago, Illinois. How was it growing up?
I grew up in the projects, and then we moved a lot I never was able to make friends. I was in Chicago, Calumet City, Forest Lake, and different suburbs. When it comes to my childhood, my best friends were my cousins. These were the only people I hung around. I never had any friends outside of them [I had] one best friend It was dope because she was a white girl, and she was butch as fuck [laughs] Really?
When I say butch, like hardcore shit, that was my first real true
friend. We ended up moving out to Round Lake, and I did make a lot of friends. That was a bigger part of me coming into and finding out who I was at that point.
That was my next question. What I love about asking this question is that everybody’s response is different. Some people have phenomenal experiences Some don’t, and everything in between. What or when was that moment for you when you just knew?
If I'm being honest. Please.
No one knows this I honestly did not admit and come into myself until about three years ago. That’s when I admitted the fact and became comfortable with that. I battled with titles, labels, and trying to figure out who I am.
This is something new!
I know my emotions that I was attracted to men But I know that I'm attracted to women. If I'm speaking frankly, I'm a person that does not necessarily believe in all the labels and shit. That's how that came about as far as me being in my truth and identifying as pansexual Until the beginning of October, I was in a quiet relationship with a female
Bitch you were on the DL with a woman? [laughs]
[laughs] She knew exactly who I was. She fucks with females as well.
*sips alcohol* I ain't know we were starting off like this! [laughs]
That lasted with her for about a year. Nobody knew about it. I never brought her around any of my friends or family. She would do
the same thing. She was Black, and I have not dated or had sexual intercourse with a Black woman since 17.
I love it. My experience with a woman was good, but it fucked me up. I went through a second identity crisis. Everything is different after that. What got me was when I went public with it I saw how people treated me differently, both societally and within the queer community.
I felt freer because I could show affection and not think about the reactions and potential repercussions. On the other hand, it made people in the queer community pissed off. I created this narrative that I was a gay Black man. Now here I am with this Black woman.
Like how dare you. [laughs] I don't understand why motherfuckers feel like fucking with the opposite sex is a betrayal
I swear it’s some top 10 anime betrayal meme shit.
That's why nobody knew that I was fucking with her. [laughs] I love the relationship that we've got, but I don't because it's kind of toxic [laughs] But that's our connection I'm totally okay with it, but I know that she a little crazy too
Oop. [laughs]
[laughs] Again, having that conversation, she understands where our limits are. I respect that, and I love it because we're on the same page We talk about it I feel like this is one of the main things of why this relationship has lasted so long. I appreciate that shit a lot more because it's us knowing what we want.
"I BATTLED WITH NOT SHOWING MY EMOTIONS, MY MANNERISMS."
When I ask this question, I'm not trying to say that because she's a woman that automatically enhances your masculinity. However, does being with a woman heal some things related to your manliness?
It does. I battled with not showing my emotions, my mannerisms. Me being too feminine and not being masculine enough I hate my voice because I feel like I sound more feminine than I do masculine
And yet, there's a different energy than when you talk about men. What's that about?
She's not pressuring me to get into a relationship She's not pressuring me to be with her When we are in our moment, we are in our fucking moment, and it's amazing. Out of the moment, we still have that same connection. Even when we're not around each other, we're still best friends. We talk, we joke, shit like that She's never been into the masculine hood type of nigga
The archetype that we in the queer community put on a pedestal.
Yeah! I never felt I could find a Black woman that would be
willing to accept me for me.
Ah! I see what’s going on. She sees you for who you are, and for her, it's okay. This is a different dynamic. How interesting is it that when we embrace ourselves, initially as gay, we think we’re free, but we put ourselves into an even smaller box? Then we judge each other based on what these labels are.
Honestly, for the past year, most people are like, 'you have a glow ' That's me being comfortable and coming into myself. I don't know how to put it into words. [laughs]
[laughs] There’s a noticeable shift. You are different. Engaging with this woman has liberated you in multiple aspects. I love this. Talking with Joshua and other men who initially identified as gay, we have evolved. As we’ve gotten older, we’re finding new dimensions of ourselves that we didn't know existed. All because we were stuck in a label
When it comes to all the labels, even when it comes to being gay and your sexual position, it has to be either you're a top or a bottom. If you're a top, you can't like your ass played with, show ya ass, and you can't suck dick It forms into society's labels We have to understand that we put these labels on each other as well.
We don’t let the energy simply flow. I’ve started dating recently. When I linked up with this one guy, I recognized the energy. He's a little feminine, and I'm a little masculine. But, in certain situations, like when he's mad, he’s in that masculine energy. When he’s there, I can't match that. I have to balance it out.
And that's okay. In some relationships, you need that balance. I need you to understand that we are both men, and you're capable of doing what I can
That’s critical. Also, just because you're a man does not mean that you cannot be feminine or emotional. Ironically, gay men say, I want to man who's passionate, vulnerable, who's there for me, etc., but we don't see how brainwashed we are to not show that. How does that work out?
That's a huge thing for me. Being a Black man, a man, period, you show no weakness. When you do that, it's a sign of femininity it's a sign of being a pussy. It's a sign
you're less than.
All things we're taught as men.
This stems from how we were brought up and raised. When it comes to balancing that out, it's honestly having a conversation with your partner Communication has to be on the level of, I hear you, and I understand you Now, can you hear me and understand me? If you can't, okay, what do I need to say, or how do I need to break this down for you to hear and understand what I'm saying.
Most of us don't know how to communicate though.
My position in my bedroom does not determine or define who I am. If it's the situation, I am a bottom, does that make me less of a man when I'm in the streets? That does not.
There are some incredibly masculine and muscular bottoms.
That's a huge thing that I battle with myself. That's something that I had to come to a realization with. I deal with depression and anxiety. As I work with my therapist, I had to keep figuring out what and why these things made me depressed and dealing with it Questioning myself and figuring out the answer to these questions Nobody knows that I battled with my sexuality
Agreed 100%.
I pinpointed that she is a Black woman because that's something that I learned throughout my years Black women are not accepting of Black men
Of Black men being homosexuals, bisexual, or whatever the case. That was the main reason what
pushed me towards being attracted to a separate race.
Mind you, this isn’t a generalized statement about Black women. This is what we've been taught to believe.
I'm not the person that's finna try to live two different lifestyles I'm going to be a hundred percent myself. I feel like if I'm bringing this to you a hundred percent, then what's the issue?
It goes back to when motherfuckers say they want somebody 100%.
You want that to an extent
You want it to the extent that's comfortable for you. I commend you for taking that time to deep dive into yourself and figure out all that.
A lot of people say they know themselves, but they don't really know themselves I can honestly say in the past three years, that's been my journey. I have had my ups and downs dealing with my depression and anxiety, but that's what comes along as far as finding yourself. Some things you are okay with, but some things you are not. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you face that I'm a person that’s trying to better myself I know my mental health, I have issues I'm trying to better that part of me and deal with that.
So, let's travel back in time. I never met you, but I heard about you, and usually, it wasn't good. You were fucking around, breaking up people, sleeping with niggas boyfriends…it was a lot. [laughs]
I'm gonna tell you ain't none of that a lie. [laughs] When it comes to my past, I'm honest about it. I know the things that I've done.
I know the things that people can say about me. After me and my ex broke up, I literally said, I don’t give a fuck, I'm doing what I want to do. All the fighting, it was never me being messy, but me proving shit to motherfuckers. When I was younger, I was an arrogant asshole I was always ready to fight Don’t get me wrong, I still am [laughs]
When was the shift?
Long story short, I ended up going to jail. This was around the time that I was doing E-pills. Let's clarify this for the record! [laughs] E-pills and weed is the only thing I've ever done!
For the record, everybody! [laughs]
That was a major part. Around that time, I didn't have to pay my bills cause I was fucking with a nigga who was giving me money whenever I wanted it I didn't want for nothing I was drinking, partying throughout the week I ended up getting caught with pills Once I got out, there was a crooked cop. He pulled me over and basically said, ‘you pay me this, or I'm taking your ass in.’
Blackmailed the fuck outta you.
I did what I had to do and gave that nigga his money in a couple of hours The next day I went back to Chicago. This was in 2010. That's when the shift happened.
Transitioning a bit, why do you think it’s hard for gay men to be friends with each other?
I think that's the hoe in us [laughs]
You might be correct in that assumption. [laughs]
We had to hide it for so long. Now that we get the opportunity to
speak our mind, it's like, ‘you fine, and imma let you know! You can get this pussy, and imma let you know!’ [laughs]
[laughs] It is a sort of a liberation thing. When we get that moment of freedom, the first thing we do is some nasty, raunchy shit.
Gotta be a City Girl The first step of coming out. [laughs]
[laughs] But that comes with some issues. What have been some things you look at and say, ‘damn, why did I do that shit?’
Honestly, I don't know
Do you regret anything?
No. I feel like everything that I went through taught me a lot. It made me not only who I am, but it made me stronger in this community. I’m able to help others because I know the shit that I had to go through I know some parts of that is something that I wouldn't wish on others There were things that I wouldn't even want others to experience.
We are now in our thirties, and it is 2020.
Speak for yourself, I'm 28 [laughs] [laughs] What's life for you now?
I realized my mental health is important. I know things that trigger me, that I can and cannot deal with and tolerate. That took a lot of time for me to figure those out. I haven't figured them all out. I know not to put myself into certain situations and allow myself to be in energies, say things, or get worked up I shut down quickly I will go into my bubble.
I've seen that side of you.
There are times where people have to show up and check on me. I will shut completely the fuck down, turn my phone off, not talk to people for weeks, not leave the house. That's that depression and getting into that stage. It's not me not wanting to communicate with others, so much as being afraid of my actions It's because of my own emotions
What made you take your mental health seriously?
I've tried to attempt suicide in the past. I want to say in the past three years, I've had two moments I was getting to that point when I was uncontrollably crying
Oh wow.
It was multiple times. It started affecting my work. It was steady in my brain, putting me at the point of why the fuck am I here? Why do I choose to deal with this? How I felt at that moment, nobody fucks with you Nobody checks on you Nobody called Nobody's trying to be around you.
You felt nobody around you was genuine.
I had that moment. I left work early that day I didn't want to go straight home, and I called my friends We talked, and I felt like they heard me, but after that, I felt like the follow-up was going in one ear and out the other. That did nothing but put me in further depression.
What you thought was basically validated.
It wasn't even a full year later when I had to talk to management I told them, ‘I can't do this. I need help.’ I left straight from there and
went to check myself into the hospital. I got connected with my therapist that I'm with now and with a whole group that said when you need us, you call us. I got connected with different outlets that I needed.
Where is your family in all this?
You talk very little about them. When I interview people and talk about family, the people who stand out to me is Isaiah from Season 02 and Robbie from Season 03. What’s that like for you?
My family knows that I sleep with men I don't even think that they know that I still sleep with females
Now, me and my family are in a good place. What prompted that was my grandmother's passing and realizing that I had to open up a little bit more. I couldn't continue to let certain feelings and emotions push me away from my loved ones I was bringing most of those emotions into relationships, personal or romantic I moved to Flint alone when I was 17 I've been here ever since.
All of that creates a sense of being closed off.
People have burned me, hurt me in the past People that were close to me, that fucked me over, that know that I've been through certain situations, took that for granted, or tried to use it against me. I wasn't allowing anybody to get close. My grandmother was the main person that I talked to for the past two years. She was the only person that I constantly confided in My grandmother took to her grave things my mother knows nothing about it none of the family knows anything about it
Well damn.
After I lost her, I felt alone. That ear that I needed, the person I
knew was always going to encourage me, make me smile, excited to hear from me, I knew that I no longer had that person. What I still had to realize is that my family was there. It was not up to them to make this happen. It was also up to me
It’s a two-way street.
I know in some aspects I was being an asshole or very standoffish. It's friends that I've apologized to because I realized at points in my life and certain things that I've done. I feel I'm the closest with my family now than I have ever been It was times that I didn't even go back home that I didn't talk to my family for years Growing up, I felt I could never express myself. I was never the person to stand and take up for myself. I was always in a shell.
There was a line that you knew you could not cross.
Right Now, I am at the point of, you're going to accept me, or you're not. You're going to respect me, or you're not. If you want to be in my life, I'm here to have you in my life wholeheartedly. The love that I'm giving you is the same love that I choose to receive back.
That's the same thing I had to learn about my family. You talk about going in your shell and not talking to your family. When I think about that, your family must've had some sort of belief or may have done some things or said some things that you must've internalized. Did you ever feel like you were the black sheep?
When it comes to that part, it was never really about my sexuality It was more so the things that I've dealt with in the past. Growing up, we stayed in shelters. We moved from place to place and stayed with multiple family members. I
have two older sisters, and I'm the only boy I'm the baby. Being around certain family members, it was, 'oh, you can't eat my food. Oh, you can't do this, or you can't do that.’
Which gives you a skewed perception of family and yourself.
After so much of that happening, I realized that I don't necessarily have a leg to stand on. When I did push back, I got put out. Then I had to call and find somebody else, struggle and all this and that. To this day, I'm still the same person. I don't like having to need things from people I don't like to ask people for things
I believe that that's something particular to our generation. I know way too many people who feel the same way. I wonder where that comes from?
It was always a struggle for me and made me very depressed and uncomfortable I had to specifically ask my sisters or cousins, 'can I come and stay at your house?' It was never just me pop up and feeling like I can do this. I always had to ask. After they got older, my sisters moved out on their own and had kids’ things like that My mom and I would still stay with family members, and I knew that certain members were struggling How could I ask for things when you don't have those things to provide for your own kids?
I think that’s fascinating. As children are aware of everything and internalize so much growing up.
Imagine being a kid, you're living with a family member, and you hear them talking to another family member, just dogging your parent out. That makes me feel like shit.
So, I was the kid that if you needed help, I was always ready to do something Anytime that you asked me to do it, I was ready because I needed money I needed to eat. I knew that I needed, nine times out of 10, somewhere where to stay.
This is where we learn to barter and trade. This is where you understand, if I don’t have money, these are ways I can earn my keep. I've had to do that several times over the last few years. For me, it humbles you, but it also makes you keenly aware of what you bring to the table. I'm assuming that this gives you a warped sense of manhood and masculinity.
My grandmother had five daughters I didn't have that male figure. My three older cousins all went to prison two of them are still in jail. My father was never
there, so prison took away the males in my life Within the past few years, I had to realize that I was the family male I am the oldest Anderson male. I never had that structure of a male taking care of a family.
You have this legacy attached to you being the oldest Anderson male?
Yep My mother is the oldest Anderson woman cause my aunt passed away. It made me realize that there needs to be more family structure things that we should have been doing, that we weren't. There need to be more conversations. These are things that me and my mother have talked about These are things that she's brought up to me that I brought up to her as well We're not good at expressing our emotions to each other. We're not good at talking about things.
"Within the past few years, I had to realize that I was the family male. I am the oldest Anderson male. I never had that structure of a male taking care of a family. It made me realize that there needs to be more family structure things that we should have been doing, that we weren't. There need to be more conversations."
"There's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and over the past two years, we ' re starting to open up more and learn about each other. It's bringing us closer. That's something that I honestly always wanted."
We're not good at asking questions. We're not an affectionate family.
That sounds like my family. [laughs]
There's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and over the past two years, we're starting to open up more and learn about each other. It's bringing us closer. That's something that I honestly always wanted.
Which includes your nieces, nephews, and now greatnieces and nephews.
I went back home for the Fourth and got to meet my great-nieces and nephews It was such an amazing
"The dynamic in my family majorly changed, and it's for the better. I think that was one of the best times that I've ever had gone back home. It was because I got to spend time with my nieces and nephews."
connection One of my great-nephews, from the time he met me until it was time for me to come back to Michigan, that little dude did not wanna leave my side I shed a tear on my way home I never told them that The dynamic in my family majorly changed, and it's for the better. I think that was one of the best times that I've ever had gone back home. It was because I got to spend time with my nieces and nephews.
I feel queer people could have that, but there's so much bullshit in the way. For a lot of us, we are disowned. We have to make those connections and relationships with people who are not blood.
That's how I felt when I first came around. It was a whole new world to me. But not just that, I felt I was pushed out of my family I don't know if it was me feeling like that, or if that's what was happening, but that's how I felt That's why I tried to make all those extra connections That's why I tried to find people to fill those positions in my life. I clung to them so hard to put them in positions of another person's shoes that they can never fill.
That they probably didn't even want to fill or know they were fulfilling. And speaking of fulfilling, two of the presented photos showcased you with handcuffs and dressed in what appears to be slave attire. When I saw that, I was in awe.
" I t w a s t i m e s t h a t I g o t
a r r e s t e d , t h r o w n o n t h e
g r o u n d , a w h o l e f u c k i n g
s c r a p e o n m y f a c e , a n d
b l e e d i n g u n d e r t h e
c h i n . "
My influence came from when we first got shut down and all the Black Lives Matter. It was a little bit of my artistic side and me playing in makeup One of the things was realizing the situations that I had been in as a Black man Any one of those people, like Brianna Taylor, could have been me
It is one harsh realization for all of us.
It was times that I got arrested, thrown on the ground, a whole fucking scrape on my face, and bleeding under the chin. It was simply because he asked me for my ID, and I wouldn't give it to him It was never me getting aggressive or disrespectful Honestly, I'm scared for my nephews and nieces I know that they have a temper, and they'll talk back. I know if they feel it's an injustice, they will speak on it. When we speak on identity, a part of it was recognizing my people, where I came from, my heritage.
We are not merely queer men. We are simultaneously Black men. There are multiple dimensions of realities and identities that, depending on the situation, come to the forefront more than others. Talking about your creativity, paying homage to the ancestors, the culture, and the climate we are in, you’re also shifting into a conversation about identity.
Black people haven't necessarily accepted their Black queer brothers, sisters, and trans people when we look at Black culture. There’s disregard for our lives. I say that Black queer people are not just fighting against systemic racism and white people; we are also fighting against folk who look like us. How have, if you even have, come to grips with the fact that you are not only a queer man but a Black man?
" I t a k e m o r e p r i d e i n
b e i n g B l a c k t h a n I d o i n
m y s e x u a l i t y b e c a u s e I
f e e l l i k e m y s e x u a l i t y
h a s n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h
a n y b o d y . "
When people ask me how I got into this work, I do what I do because of being a Black man We already have a bad rep Now being a young Black gay man, there's a different rep You'll get individuals who just see you as a Black man, no matter your sexuality. A lot of us will say that we stand in our truth, but we really don't. Meaning when we get around certain people, certain cultures, we switched up. You try to be more proper to be accepted by white people. You try to be more hood to be accepted in your own community
I'm certainly guilty of that at various points in my life.
For me, I look at myself from the outside in. I had to understand myself and the point that I'm trying to get across, not just to the class that I'm speaking to, but to the community. Not all people of color are the same. Not all Black men are the same They are individuals that are okay with being slum dogs and being a regular hood nigga Keep in mind, being viewed as a Black man, you're being viewed as Black men.
It's a cumulative of past experiences, societal messages, and all that.
How I carry myself and treat individuals puts a different taste in people's mouths than what they had before We don't all live our lives the same We don't have the same morals, same views But also understand that we are all individual people.
Who happens to be Black and queer.
I don't differentiate the two. I live in both. I take more pride in being Black than I do in my sexuality because I feel like my sexuality has nothing to do with anybody Whether I want
to be around here fucking donkeys [laughs], that's what I want to do As long as I carry myself in a matter that's respectable to you and everybody else that's around me, that's all you need to be worried about
When we were quarantined that March-May period, I remember very vividly an experience I had. I looked in the mirror, and I swear to God for the first time in my life, I saw myself as a Black man. My head was shaven. There was a full beard, and my muscles were getting defined. I laughed because I looked like the nigga in the hood who everybody feared. I'm a Black man before you see my queerness. I cried. I’d never seen myself in that manner. At that moment, I had arrived into myself, and with comfort. There was power in that. Then the question became: how will I utilize this new sense of self to change my life and those around me?
I understand how most people feel. It's not our job to educate another race. It's not our job to educate another person, but you have to understand that everybody has a story. Everybody has a different upbringing, different backgrounds and things like that Whether it's sexuality, racism, or whatever the case may be, any opportunity that I feel that there's an injustice or an incorrect saying of whatever you correct that shit.
You mentioned teaching classes. I know what kind of work you do because we worked together. But, tell us what you do.
I'm in two positions I do Harm Reduction and Prevention, the needle exchange, and I teach Naloxone Narcan. I still do the info sessions, HIV testing, and all of that. Aside from that, partnerships with agencies and I go out and teach. One of the main things that I set up is condom drops at the strip clubs and multiple places Also, of course, the planning board for Flint Pride
Before I got there, you maintained a level of status and connection in the community. You’ve done a lot for queer people here.
That's one of my main things I've built so many relationships and partnerships within this community that it'd be sad for me to see it go. I know I will not forever be at the agency, but one of the main things is that I know that I am, now, one of [two queer men of color] at the agency. Stepping out of this position, who could I possibly leave this to?
I mean, nobody can do the job in the way that you've done it. They're going to bring their own flair and flavor.
Would I rather talk to someone who has gone through the same things, or would I rather talk to a cisgender female who has never had to live this lifestyle? Being with the agency throughout these years, individuals know that you can come to me if you need anything If you need resources, I connect you I try to do everything that I can That's a big part for me I know that I'm making some type of change every time that I go to work.
You started doing volunteer work, and that's how you got connected with the agency. What made you say this was something I want to do?
What made me stick to it was realizing and understanding that there's a major need in our community. When I say within our community, I specifically mean males of color. The background that I came from, we never talked about sex We never talked about rights I didn't know anything as far as dealing with STDs, STIs, HIV
We do not have those conversations at all. But we know how to fuck! [laughs]
Right! Coming into the fact of not knowing, experiencing my first relationship, and being with guys after that, I hadn't used condoms In my brain, condoms were so you don't get a woman pregnant. You sleep with the same sex; what the fuck you need a condom for? After I sat down and heard one of the agency's presentations, I realized the risk that I put myself in. I learned the statistics My first situation was with my first boyfriend, and he cheated He ended up bringing me crabs At this time, uneducated, I'm still going to Job Corps, and I'm losing my shit. Once I get to the nurse, she told me this is what it is.
In a sense, you were lucky.
But at the same time, she knew that I got them from my boyfriend. We talked about that. She never talked to me about same-sex anything, nor did she talk to me about HIV or any other STD That's a lack You couldn’t even give me a pamphlet, a website [laughs] Not too long after that is when we had the MSM (Men Who Have Sex With Men) Dinner.
I was one of the people like I got a question! I’m invested! [laughs] That changed a big part of who I am and how I came along with the agency I knew that I wasn't the only person that ever felt that way I knew that I wasn’t the only little Black kid that never communicated my sexual feelings. My mom wasn't finna talk to me. I had no male role models. Where am I gone get it from?
Porn. Movies. TV shows. Niggas at school.
All I’m knowing is from me and my boy cousins, just out here, fucking all types of females. All I know is, I stick my dick here, and we keep going until I cum, and then boom, that's it. [laughs]
There's some motion, and I do a few things, and it's over. [laughs]
Sex, masturbation, things like that, never had that conversation. With me being me, I had no connections. As long as I know that you got some type of connection, you're getting tested, I know that I'm doing something right
My thing is to not focus just on HIV but better my community's education as a whole. That's one of the things that I enjoy.
When I worked there, it was you and I representing the queer community of color. It bothered me till no end.
That's one of the main things that hinder me from leaving my agency and hinders me from going to a different place I know that one, my community needs me because my community here is lacking. And I prefer to better my community before I better anyone else's.
Well shit. This was a long-ass interview. [laughs] To begin the closing, what words of wisdom, words of advice can you impart upon those that come after you?
Three things: get that bread Get that head, then leave. [laughs]
[laughs] Chile, help us.
[laughs] A few things. Protect yourself. Never allow anyone to define you as far as who they feel that you should be We can go through things at a young age, but these are things that I'm going through because this all I know; this is what I was taught This is the word to the older generation, you reach out. You try to be the hand for them. When you come out younger, you don't have that support, that education of what you should and should not do.
It is, in that sense, a lonely road until you engage with friends and find that support.
"YOU HAVE TO PROTECT NOT JUST YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH BUT ALSO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND ENERGY AROUND YOU."
Let me correct that I don't mean I don't fuck with Bobby because he's shady. Or I don't fuck with Lynette because that bitch over there, that's not what I mean. I mean, if you see niggas out here doing something crazy or that's not beneficial to their future, help them whether it be a twink, a fairy, masculine, trans, whatever I feel like that's a huge thing within our community we're quick to tear each other down versus right build you up Living in this life, you definitely have to stay humble
Every day, and in general.
You have to protect not just your physical health but also your mental health and energy around you. Don't let nobody sensor you. When I was at home, I felt like I couldn't talk. I couldn't say the things that I wanted to say I couldn't act the way that I wanted to I couldn't speak the way that I wanted to because of my mannerisms, being called gay, being chastised for me being me. Once I got here, that's when I found my voice again. When I go back to my younger age, I wish I wasn't the person to allow individuals to shut me down or not speak my truth.
I feel the same. When I look at my younger self, I wish I stood up for myself. I wish I voiced my opinion about how I felt, and I didn't let people run over me
I wish I would've done something instead of sitting in a corner and bottling all that shit up. None of that was healthy. That fucked up my sense of self, confidence, understanding of who I am, and my love for myself.
And that's another thing of constantly battling with yourself as far as what love is Once I finally got my first boyfriend, I would do anything for him I believed anything he told me It was the butterflies, the heart eyes
Isn't that so cute when you do get feelings for that first guy? Everything just feels so amazing.
That's the thing, though, all your morals go away.
Go out the fucking window. [laughs]
Opening myself up and being with that person and not still be me. I feel like that was a major thing because once I finally got mines, it was like, now I’m free to do what I want to do. Again, I wasn't free to show my love, to express my right to any of this. Let alone freely lay up with another man and have sex.
That part. That was the kicker.
It was genuine love. But my thing with that is to still make sure that you're not being brainwashed by the situation Make sure that you're not being taken advantage of
But that happens, especially with older gay guys. We think we know what we like. We believe we all this and that about ourselves. I know how I was. In regular straight life, I was never the masculine guy. I was never the take-charge kind of nigga. But when I got into that gay life!
[laughs]
It was a different mentality. Everything I wasn’t there, I was here.
Everything that you are missing from this part of life Everything that you want to happen
Then you notice motherfuckers swimming all over you. [laughs] Now, as the old people say, my head is bigger than my britches
Writing a check, you can’t cash, and somebody gotta pay the bill!
That’s where it's useful to have that guidance. It's useful to have somebody in your corner.
Who were some, if you had any, your queer role models?
I can say that I had a lot of individuals that guided me. If this is somebody I'm looking up to, I know that you have my best interests. I know that I can trust you and be honest with me. I would say, Deon, which is my uncle, who passed away. He played a major part from the beginning of my coming out Conversations that we've had and the time that we spent was more meaningful than anything else.
Then my gay dad Big Jay. I can definitely say that those are the two men that molded me My gay mom, Monica, played a major part in everything as well When I got the harshness from them, she was the love. She always treated me like a spoiled brat. She still does to this day. My first time meeting her, it was an automatic embrace.
Well, we are at the end of this fucking 7 hour journey! [laughs] Thank you for sitting down and taking the time to let me, us, into your life. I know you had reservations about doing this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I have faith in you. Thank you also. This me getting me out of my comfort zone. That's something I need because I'm trying to push myself more You know that my anxiety will take over [laughs]
That I do! [laughs]
