ERIMIAH
THE MODERN QUEER MAGAZINE
“My process was talking to myself What is the reason why you wouldn't want him to be gay? What does it do for you? That's my son, and he's already struggling If he's been keeping this a secret and enraged like this, he's already struggling with his lifestyle I didn't want to add to that.” A mother’s desire
J I M A N T R A & J E R I M I A H
Let me say that I am honored and grateful that you decided to be a part of The Modern Queer. Your mother is here too. I've sat down with boyfriends, girlfriends, and best friends, but never somebody's parent. I found in interviewing queer people that our relationships with our parents are very peculiar.
Our relationship is very peculiar.
To start, how do you feel about having a gay black son?
Today, I feel different than 10-15 years ago. Today, I know more. I realize I love my baby. No matter what, I'm going to support him. When I wasn't supporting it, thinking about religion, being embarrassed and worrying about what the world would say or treat him, when I was thinking about that, I saw him distancing. I didn't want my baby to feel like he was alone. As long as I'm here and he's living, I'm going to always support everything he do
You mentioned seeing the distance between you two grow, which changed your perspective on many things. What was that process like?
The process was hard I was thinking, oops, I embarrassed him. But I'm embarrassed. Then I started thinking, it's not about your feelings, it's about Jerimiah. What does Jerimiah need? How does he feel? How are you making him feel? He put a guard of protection against me. Growing up in my house, he already knew what I believed. He was afraid to be himself. Thinking about how hard that gotta be for a person to be afraid to live in their truth, I had to take all that into consideration.
I don't think I've ever heard a parent put it in that language—that they looked at their child and said, 'What am I doing wrong?' When we think about parents, it's always, 'I'm the parent, you're the child, and you got to listen to what I say and my rules.'
He grew up in that environment Absolutely I was that mom very dominant, very masculine
energy But I never wanted to make my kids feel alone, and that's what I saw
You mentioned doing some research and starting to learn some things. What were some of the things that you started learning?
First, you have to ask Jerimiah what happened when it came out.
I was in a relationship, and I never saved his number because she's so damn nosy. I was away from college, and I came home that summer. She was looking at my phone, and I didn't text him all day because he texted back, 'babyyyyyyyyyyy.'
Oooooooo.
She came in the living room playing. I know she's trying to get the phone number. I let her have it. The next day, she called him all day. I text him, 'Is somebody calling you?' I didn't know at this point, but I know her He said, 'Yeah A number has been calling me all day ' In my mind, I'm mad He comes up with a genius idea to answer it but says he doesn't know who I am But you can tell by his voice that
He's gay.
So, the secret was out right there.
Jerimiah is mixing stories. I'm waking him up, but I was memorizing the number that's why I was doing it. When I went to work, I said, 'Miss Annetta, call this number for me.' The person would not answer. Finally, the person called her back. When Jerimiah came to pick me up from work, he had his stuff in it. He was never coming back this time. I said, 'Jerimiah, you gay?' And he like, 'What does it matter? I'm leaving your house anyway. I don't care. I don't have to be around you anymore.'
It turned into a big argument.
We're going back and forth, and I'm letting him know I already knew a long time ago, and that's why I was acting the way I was
He was so enraged, so embarrassed already, that he wasn't hearing me out We get to the house, and he leaves He did not come back that night My process was: I can't let him go back to college thinking my mama hates me because I'm this way My mama don't love me because I'm this way My mama don't support me because of my lifestyle That was not even the message I was trying to convey. I just wanted to know from him.
I can understand that.
My process was talking to myself. What is the reason why you wouldn't want him to be gay? What does it do for you? That's my son, and he's already struggling. If he's been keeping this a secret and enraged like this, he's already struggling with his lifestyle. I didn't want to add to that. When did we have that blowup?
Y'all had a blowup?
She said it in a sweet way, but yeah, it was a blowup We were yelling She said you don't talk to me like this
I'll still knock your head off your shoulders
I turned the heat down just a little
How was that experience introducing somebody to your mother?
It showed me how many issues I have with myself.
That's a layered answer. What do you mean?
Honestly, I made it uncomfortable. I'm somebody who does not like to do all that traditional stuff. I fight that when it's not that big of a deal. So, I romanticize how the first time would be. Then, I'm fighting it because I don't want the stereotypical. It was a push-and-pull experience.
He's sugarcoating what happened
In defense of that, I've not been in a relationship since
So you're saying you need to be in a relationship
to introduce somebody to your mom?
Yes At that time, I had to be in a relationship At this moment, I have to see a future
So, tell them what happened the day I met him
Oh, she met him.
Jerimiah is at my house, and we're watching TV. We're having a good time.
I hate you, Xzavier.
I must have fell asleep on him. When I wake up, I call him on FaceTime. He like, 'I was tired; you fell asleep.' I was like, 'Okay, my funky butt needs to take a bath,' and he laughed instead of saying a joke. I'm like, what are you laughing at? Now, I'm looking at his background. I said, 'Where the fuck you at? You left me to go lay up with a nigga?'
I can't!
I said, 'Hello Who are you?' The person didn't say nothing I said, 'You ought to be a damn shame You let Jerimiah make you quiet in the background, and you hear me on this phone ' Then he finally says, 'Hi, Mom ' He got in the camera, and that's how I officially met him
I can do nothing but drink this drink. Now it's your turn to expound on the story.
Another day, we went to get something to eat, and she said she would like something to eat. In the translation, it got mixed up, and he thought that we were going to drop it off to her. I said go say hi. She convinces him to stay. I'm still uncomfortable, but it's going well for the most part. And in comes my godson's mother. I said, 'Oh my God, here we go.'
It's the big moment.
This is her first time seeing him with somebody, too
This is everybody's first time
WHAT IS A MAMA’S BOY? IT IS A R E
Y O U A M A M A ’ S B O Y ?
Plus, he's never just came out and said, I'm gay to anyone
Cause I don't have to
That's very true.
She came, and she showed her ass
She asked him, 'Is this your little friend? Is this his male friend his companion?' I said, Jerimiah gay!? She said, 'Oh yeah, I knew. I knew he was cinnamon.' So now I'm in protective mode. This is a lot because the new friend is here watching all of this. I didn't know that at the time, but now I know that was a bit much.
That does sound like a bit much.
[The guy] is taking all this in, but I'm egging it on. I want Jerimiah to talk. I know he is uncomfortable. Then Jerimiah shut the conversation down I asked, 'So you and Jeremiah gay?'
Oh, shit!
Jerimiah was like, 'This is me, and this is who I am ' But [the guy] had a question He said, 'Do you have a problem if I'm around?' As I look back on it, that's my problem: I reflect back. I don't know how to fix [it] in the moment.
I think this continues to elevate the conversation about what it means to be queer and have a coming out process. As all of this transpires, what is going through your head, Jerimiah? Not only is this a first experience for you, but at the same time, this is the first time you've introduced somebody to the people you love and care for.
The whole time, I was very fearful. I got this from my granny, where I don't mix company. My reason is when I care about two people, and they mix and get into it, they're both going to look for protection I am going to have to make a decision, and it's going to mess it up with somebody else I was on edge Processing it afterward, it was meant to happen My little brothers came My nieces were there
That night, he asked me, and I wish I could tell you how this question came about, but he asked me, 'Are you a mama's boy?'
Of course! What the fuck is wrong with that, though? What is wrong with being a momma's boy?
I didn't answer.
I have four momma's boys.
Let us define a mama's boy. Many people have different definitions. So, mom, what do you believe a mama's boy is?
A mama's boy is a young man who loves their mom, and their mom loves them. They can count on their mom for support. Their mom is nurturing. Their mom got their back. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with a grown man, a young man being able to have a mom that will support them and look out for them
I don't think a baby or a kid can be a mama's boy A mama's boy is a grown man who still incorporates his mom in his life, maintains and nurtures that relationship, and is active and attentive to her needs But the part is if people are on the outside looking in or when they read this, they will say, of course, a mom will say that. It was very hard for me to say yes because I was perpetuating that stereotype.
That's my issue with it. We talk about the stereotypical type as a grown man who can't make decisions without input and guidance from his mama that he cannot stand on his own two feet. However, at the same time, I do believe that we don't talk about how healthy of a relationship an adult man can have with his mother. And I think we allow men to have healthy, non-sexual relationships with women. A person can have some very healthy dynamics with their mother. As I get older, I realize how much I love my mama.
It's insane You want to have somebody you trust you can ask questions to I'm always a mom to everybody who they bring into my space
As queer men, funny enough, who better to go to ask advice about these niggas out here running the street than a woman who has been dealing with these niggas out here for most of her life.
That's what I was getting ready to say
So, Jeremiah, at this stage in your life, and obviously with your mom being here, would it be a good assumption to believe that you are more comfortable with having conversations with your mama about what it means to be a gay black man? When you eventually find somebody, do you feel that sense of comfort and familiarity with your mama when introducing her to somebody?
Yes. The support is there, and the door is open. But I don't like talking about certain things.
You inadvertently tell on yourself a lot of times. If that weren't true, then this conversation would not happen.
Yeah, I wanted her to be here and a part of it
I have to say I am very proud of you because a lot has happened in your life as it relates to heterosexual men. The three of us me, him, and Anthony had a conversation last week. The conversation was informative because Anthony got an opportunity to express himself. You had the chance to open up about this whole process. The growth in that is impressive because you recognize that something triggered you, but you took the steps to voice how you felt at that moment.
He's maturing in that area. I'm so proud of him. He don't think so, but I'm proud that you're accepting the help because it was a time that you would not. You would try to take that dresser upstairs by yourself, hitting and busting holes all in my walls and knocking that dresser loose And I'm trying to tell you we can do this together, and nope, you want to sweat and get an attitude I'm proud that you are allowing me to help you carry this dresser Cause why the fuck would you want to do this by yourself?
FINDING COMFORT IN SELFANDINFAMILY
Let's start simple. When did you figure out that you were gay?
I was molested
Wow.
You didn't know that?
No. I wasn't expecting that.
I don't talk about it because that's what it was. But the decisions I made after that, I couldn't make myself a victim because I wanted to do it again. Would I want that to happen to my younger siblings or any young boy, whether he is born gay or not? No, I would not. I think I was exposed too early.
I've never heard anybody say they had that sort of awakening and realization from that experience.
It's what made me do it more. It made me know that that was a thing. That's one thing as I'm finding my way back to myself my kid self the whole shyness is not who I am. I've always been intuitive and introspective. I knew without knowing that it was wrong I knew it was too young, but I wanted to do it with people my age
When did it happen?
I was seven a relative He passed away Then, it was the next-door neighbor This is in my book, but I was scared to put it out there They both were around the same age. They were teenagers. I don't know how to deal with this because it wasn't a grown-ass man. But it speaks to another thing. My response is flight. It's not fight as much as I like.
Okay, let's back this up 'cause I'm trying to be very careful with how we talk about this. You say your response is flight, not fight. You said molestation, but that's not how you want to describe it. Why is that?
I can't make him like this predator because I wanted attention from men. Men did not like me. My family thought I was too feminine.
For this one to want to be around me, I thought I wanted to be around him more, so I can't make it seem like I did not want to do it. I did not want his attention in this way, but it seemed that was my only option
Was it the same thing with the neighbor?
Yes I wanted to play and want to be around me But he wanted me to give him head and all of that I told him I don't want to do that [Years later] after that happened, I went away to school, and he hit me up Thank God I was going to therapy at this time. He had hit me up like, "I feel like I'm gay because of you."
Wow!
We regurgitate what we learn. We model and go out and do it and that's what that was. I'm glad we had a conversation and came to an understanding because, at first, he was using that verbiage, and I was like, "Oh, we need to talk."
How did you look at those experiences growing up?
I will still put it under the category of molestation. I sometimes wonder what my life would be if I wasn't exposed to sex so early because it shows up Whatever the studies show for anyone who was molested, I fit under there 'cause I am hypersexual You give me some bullshit, and I'm gonna turn it into something I had to own it Young girls did not like me These boys do These boys would pick on me, but they would want to be with me They used to want to be in the bathroom all the time.
So, growing up in this family dynamic, the women liked you, but the men didn't.
Yes.
And you wanted the attention of the men in the family?
Yes. The same way how my grandma loved me and wanted to be there for me. I wanted my papa to be there. My mama loved me. I wanted my dad to do that.
But it sounds like at school, it was the opposite. The girls didn't like you, but the boys did.
Yes.
As all of this is happening, what do you make of it? Do you tell anyone?
At this moment, I can't explain it. I wasn't breaking it down like, this is what I'm doing. I just wanted to do it. I wanted to keep the experience going.
Because you liked it?
I loved it. That's why it's so hard for me. That's why I always had to follow up that m-word and say I'm not mad because I wouldn't want it to happen, but something in me liked it.
You didn't like how it happened but liked that it did happen.
Yes I liked the intimacy That hard full blown sex thing, at first I didn't like that
It sounds like amid all this, there's this mischievous nature of it all. You're at school, and the rush of getting caught is there.
I could easily be like PRK 'cause Lord knows, I did not want to get fucking caught. It was nice that I knew something everybody didn't know. I liked having that secret. I was so scared to get caught, but when I kept doing it and wasn't getting caught, it was…
Alluring. I have felt the same way in situations where I want to explore the taboo and how good it feels to be in that space.
Here's where my grandma spoiled me. I knew I was loved by my grandma. My mom was more of a disciplinarian at that point in my life. I had all this attention from my grandma, but I wanted that from her and my papa I wanted that from everybody I would get this favoritism from my grandma, but my papa would see that and pour into my little brothers more and neglect me in a way I just wanted to feel desirable
Meanwhile, all of these boys were giving you everything you wanted, and it wasn't enough.
It wasn't who I wanted it from I wanted it out in the open as I got older, and I knew I could not get that
And this was from elementary to middle school. Was this the high school, too?
Fourth to eighth, this is my experience.
What was going on at home?
I was very miserable. My stepdad was mean, and my mom believed in what people told her: she was lucky that a man took this woman with all these kids. He didn't like me, but she had his back. Then I was the oldest, so if the house not clean, we all get our ass whooped.
This evolution is happening where you're free at school, but there's tension at home. This attention is present, but it's showing up in a different way. It's combative rather than intimate and innocent. Now you're getting aggressive. You're having to defend yourself. I'm going to use this term, and I hate to use it in this way. But it's almost like you're having to be a man and tough it out.
That's exactly it, though. It made me not want to be one for a long time. I never wanted no damn coochie, but I feel like life would be better as a woman. Everybody's looking at me for protection. We are in the hood, so if somebody came, I'm the point person. As much as I want to say how mean my stepdad was, which he was, he was horrible, it was two things that I appreciated about him that I take over anything. One, he never did shit with me. Two, I was I was no longer the point person anymore.
I hate to use the term because that's not what I mean, but I don't know how else to say it. There is this connotation that to be a man, evolution into a man has to be very rough and tough. You have to be that protector. There's this script, and you're on guard and anxious because you have to fight at school.
“I WANTED ATTENTION FROM MEN. MY FAMILY THOUGHT I WAS TOO FEMININE.”
You got to fight at home. A lack of something is happening, and a birth or a surge of something else, reflective of this lack, is blooming.
I didn't want people to fear me, and I didn't want to be respected. I wanted to be cool.
I have had similar experiences. In second grade used to go under the desk in class and suck up the nigga sitting next to me. I was quiet and shy, but I got bullied and made fun of because I was smart. Yet I knew something about sex, and I don't honestly remember how or why I knew what a dick was or what sucking it was about. In 6th through 8th grade, we were showing each other our dicks, talking random gay shit for no reason, trying to find porn, and sucking each other up every once in a while.
Even at that age, we had an idea of what being gay was. You wear your clothes a certain way, that's gay. I know getting duked in the booty is gay. Growing up, that's what we hear. Why you acting like a sissy? Stop being a punk. Stop being a bitch. You're too sensitive. Stop whining. Stop crying. Even from women, we heard it.
The sissy word. As much as my mom didn't agree with it at that time, [my family] were never comfortable enough to say it. They were scared of my mom. They found creative ways to say it.
My uncle, who's passed away now, was the one calling me sissy and stuff like that.
Can I ask you a question?
Yes.
Have you healed from that prior to him passing away?
I was not healed when he was alive.
This is my main question: How do you feel about that?
Now that he's passed and I'm on my journey, I've learned and accepted some things from a different perspective than I did when he was alive.
But that's the thing. When he died, you didn't feel robbed?
I've never felt that anger, rage, or animosity towards him. After he passed, I felt sorry for him. Once I began to understand how people process things differently, it released me from whatever I was holding on to. As I got older, I started to learn that not only do I have issues, but everybody else in this family has issues, too. There's other things I'm mad at and healing from, but with him, there's no point because I took the opportunity to deal with my shit. That's when I started to put things in perspective about him and his life.
For example, why was he so why did he feel the need to harass me every moment that he got? Why did he feel the need to blow up my phone and leave voicemails calling me a faggot? Why did he need to be so overly aggressive in his masculinity? I will never get that opportunity to ask him, now as an adult, "What happened to you?" I realized that he was more fucked up because that's a grown man inflicting that sort of pain and trauma on a young boy.
That doesn't absolve him of any of the bullshit that he did He did some downright hurtful, disrespectful shit I almost killed him twice But now, at least, I have a better understanding or a different perception
Shockingly, I see myself in him, and hearing your story makes me very aware and scared One thing that I'm very scared of is I have a godson, and he triggers the fuck out of me It's evident he needs me in a spiritual sense I feel like we have this connection He reminds me of your uncle because he does things He'll cry some, and I'm like, stop He is himself, and I know how difficult being difficult gets you as a kid. I'm trying to discipline him in a way so he can be okay. On top of that, having this commitment is different. I can't say, fuck you. I can't sabotage this.
You could! But why are you sabotaging?
It's scary because it's a commitment. It woke up all those feelings about my little brothers. I couldn't be gay because nobody wants a gay brother.
I remember my younger brother telling me something similar.
So, I have this child, so to speak, and I'm gonna bring a nigga, and what is he gonna say? I'm scared, and this is why he reminds me of your uncle I'm scared that he's gonna reject me, and I have no control over it It's one of those things where I have to wait Because my father abandoned me, I feel like I can't leave I just don't want to fuck him up because I know I'm fucked up.
My little cousin, he's 11 now and handsome as shit. He always wants to play. But he triggered me and still does a little. He triggered me because I did not have a lot of affection growing up. Kids, when they love you, don't discriminate with affection. They wanna hug, be up under you, and cuddle. He wants to wrestle. I would be so nervous because I didn't want to give any inclination that I was tryna touch him or any of that. There's all this shit in your subconscious. He asked me, like one of my nieces, if I had a girlfriend. I said, 'What if I like guys?' He looked at me and just stared for a good minute.
I don't want not to be me. Like I've come too far not to be me. Like you said, I don't know what conversations we'll have when the gears start processing. It's an interesting thing to balance. You want to inform and educate them, but you also realize they are their own people who have to have their own experiences. The difference is if they become distant, that door is not going to close.
I agree. I'm an escapist, and I feel trapped. I feel this, and hearing what you said, I am learning some things. It is making me a better person in my intimate relationships. Because to be in this situation with this male energy, I can't leave, and I want to leave so bad. To be under somebody's spell like that, it's not fun.
Well, it's not fun because when we get ourselves in relationships, we have some very peculiar engagements with men that leave us feeling very foreign to ourselves. It is hard to find ourselves again after situations like that. We are men who love men, and all of us want to be in a beautiful relationship of some kind, whether it's monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever.
Shit, I don't even know no more
We all want that experience of being romantically, sexually, physically, and spiritually engaged and locked in. But why do we expect that when we understand how much of that emotional shit was shut down. How do we expect another man, at least then, maybe not now, as things have changed in the consciousness of the world, to have that level of emotional maturity when we were told to be everything but emotional? Also for me, I didn't get the opportunity to have sleepovers or be a part of teams because of my sexuality. I hear about things from straight and queer men that blows my mind.
I was mad I wasn't invited
Remember when niggas were nut-checking every other?
That's disgusting It made me feel ugly
It made me feel like I wasn't one of the boys— that I couldn't be one of them. I am curious about one fact. You said that you've only been in one relationship. Why is that?
I have a pattern that I have not gotten out of and contributed to
You in a cycle?
Because I always have to do my shit low-key. If they don't like me, I will continue this cat-andmouse game. If they do or want to go back, it turns into whoa, what are you doing? With this last relationship, I tried so hard to get out of it. If he wasn't persistent, I would be sitting here telling you I've never been in a relationship. But my weight has been a thing, and they hardly get past this low self-esteem part. He was the only one who got there and got the relationship. With my family, they knew about it, but I didn't want to bring them around. So it was like secretive. I was still living a dl type of life Those are the main things
Are they still a thing to this day?
The weight is not as strong as it used to be, but it is still there But that self-sabotaging beast is still kicking
This is a running theme for you. What is the reason that you are self-sabotaging so hard?
It hurts. Life hurts. It's just protection. I don't want to be with somebody for 20 years and then wake up, and this was not it. I don't want him to wake up in two years and say that I'm not it. I don't want to be all open, and then you leave. I'm scared to be abandoned. When I'm in, I'm no longer in control. I don't know what's coming up next. I can only have these wishful moments. I don't grieve well, and I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt. I have this idea of love. I have got comfortable being alone I lack boundaries So you're pissing me off, and you don't even know you're pissing me off because you're crossing a line that you don't even know is there, but you crossing that bitch
It sounds cyclical, and you are the only one who is going to be able to break that.
I'm trying I'm telling you my part that I play, but these niggas ain't shit neither
We all have had our share of experiences with men we loved and loved hard and wanted to love hard and saw the potential, and that shit didn't work out for a variety of reasons, and it hurts. It hurts. I have been in a few relationships, have been in love for three good times, and was headed for a fourth. In that time, there hasn't been anybody I could lock in with on that frequency.
I remember being in college. And I remember the way it hit me. I was not looking for it. I had these girls, and we were all friends, and I would see him around. I could tell he wanted to be around us, but I was not feeling him. But the conversation happens, and a friendship happens. What made me love it because it was so cute I just got to be a nigga
You got to have a genuine male friendship.
I got to be Jerimiah I didn't have to deepen my voice I didn't have to act
Being friends with a straight man who accepts you is so beautiful. That relationship can be the most beautiful thing, and then it can be one of the most painful things.
It is so painful. The question before about why I think I've been single. It's because I feel like shit has happened in the past with the men in my life. I was never so loyal, and how everybody witnessed it, and I was in it alone. Nobody suspected him. If they noticed it, they hid it. I am single because I keep looking for everybody to be him. I keep looking for everybody to make me feel that way, and I have yet to accept it.
Well you're looking for the opportunity to be yourself again. I understand this. I know I need to cultivate that space within myself. Still, that doesn't absolve me from wanting to have that experience with somebody. That right there is what I've had to accept about myself.
All these spiritual things are very true about me. But that doesn't negate all these other things that are very true about me. They live in tandem with each other.
I'm very pretentious, too I hate being a stereotype
In what capacity?
There's two stereotypes I'm talking about in this conversation my father. I hate telling people about that as a stereotype. But to this conversation, the whole gay man falling in love with the straight man, secretly DL, behind the scenes type of love.
I will add that we are or become the trial run in those situations.
I will go further. Yes, we are the test, but it's taking advantage of that big heart because this is the safest option, and that pisses me off
It's a fascinating dichotomy. My experiences with that came in my mid-twenties. A group of straight guys liked me, and they were all friends. I became like the gay groupie nigga. A lot of straight men have a particular stereotype of gay men in how they act, talk, move, and dress. Then comes along, you or me or whomever that changes stereotype. Within this construct, they start to catch feelings, and it becomes unnerving on both sides.
I know these are straight men, and yet, there's a part of us that wants to continue engaging in it. I went through that from 24 through 27. So many of these brothers needed and wanted this. All of them didn't want sex, but the majority of them wanted intimacy. They wanted to be held and hugged and rubbed on and kissed. So I went through falling for these men who looked at me as a safe space because I had issues that I was dealing with feeling needed, wanted, and validated.
I'm single because I like this
You like what?
ADAMSELINDISTRESSOR SELF-INFLICTEDVICTIM?
“I'mtellingyoumypartthatIplay, buttheseniggasain'tshitneither.”
I like being distraught I like being heartbroken
You like being a damsel in distress?
I do I like the whole, he doesn't love me Or he likes you, but I don't like him I like that because that has been my way to myself I make the best poetry when I'm sad So, I put myself in these positions, but it's subconscious. I know I'm doing it, but I don't know why I'm doing it. I wouldn't feel hurt if I knew what I was doing. How I look at men, and the way I have these experiences could be different if I changed my mindset.
My life could be way better. Love is at my fingertips. But I am so used to this cycle. I hate to say it, I'm too comfortable with being the victim. I want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to acknowledge me. I want them to join my pity party and blow those kazoos, and we all say it's gonna be okay. We play Mary J. Blige because that's how I've gotten my attention. I know ain't shit niggas I know what to expect Yes, I'm going to get hurt, but shit I know that versus so and so who pushes me to want to be better
It feels like you released that. In transparency, I struggled reconciling that I am destined for more. My self-sabotage comes from engaging with men I know I should not be because they are not where I am. That's a very recent discovery, mind you. I've done this, that, and moving to bigger shit, and I need to stop messing with niggas who ain't got shit going on.
That's the pattern I see from talking to you and reflecting on my experiences. If I'm not careful when explaining or analyzing it appropriately, it seems that something goes wrong when I stand up for myself. This is where I'm at now. I went through with my friend passing away and all that shit and cancer. But it's like I got out that fight with two black eyes. I made peace with it. I don't have to live this long life, but I do have to grow in areas I don't want no regrets
I would rather not work out with somebody because it just didn't work out Not because I was scared I'm proud of myself, though
When I think of The Modern Queer, I feel that my duty is to showcase that The Modern Queer is something distinctive I want to do my part and realize that I don't want to be portrayed as a victim anymore
When did you start exploring the sex of sexuality?
17 I was not in a rush for real I knew it was around the time that people started having it I hadn't found anybody, but I had found out that my sister had sex, and she was way younger than me I said, oh fuck I gotta do it now I rushed and did it. I got on Jack'd. He came to my grandmother's house.
Oh, you had a house to yourself?
Yes. He came, we watched The Haves and the Have Nots.
And he bent you over, huh?
Yes. I thought that it was gonna feel so good. Felt like somebody stabbed the fuck out of me. It was horrible. I had no experience. I was doing something with baby oil.
These are common mistakes that we all make.
Yes, common mistakes That was the first time I'd been penetrated, but I have this app now, and people giving away blow jobs I'm driving all around Beecher, Pierson Road in the hood I go down to the trap house to be with these niggas I was looking for love. Some were real trap houses, and some were just niggas in the hood.
So, you were going around to fall in love and get some head?
Yes, but I also like boundaries too.
How are you meeting these dudes?
I'm meeting almost everybody, if not everybody, on Jack'd. I just wanted someone. I wanted a nut and love. If I could get both, that would be perfect. Oh my god. I cannot believe I'm saying this
So, you're 17 and had this experience at your grandma's house. Y'all start to have sex, and you realize that bottoming wasn't for you.
Yes, that turned me off I didn't do it again until I got to college
What university did you go to?
Eastern Michigan I had some times!
The smile on your face says so. Was college the mecca for you to explore?
Yes and no, because it was a place for me to do it without a curfew. That's the only difference because I still was hiding. I had friends, and I still hid it from them. I always thought that when I went to college, I could live and be free. That's not what happened. I went there, and the moment the opportunity presented itself for me to be open, I closed back in and lied and all that stuff.
Why was that?
Maybe sometimes I have gotten a little too gay
What is too gay?
When you find yourself, you go to both ends of the extreme Now, you want to find out where you fit in that spectrum Sometimes, I switch and this and all that even though that's not true me I do it for joking purposes. It's not truly who I am. [I'd] play with [my friends] wigs and stuff, but that's not who I am. But I had to go to the extreme.
Adding on to what you said about, you know, being "too gay," that's a very common thing because you're trying to figure out who you are and where you fit into this gay life, if at all. It is fascinating to me, particularly with friends, who stick around with us through that process because it's uncomfortable.
It's 100 percent for us. We're trying to figure shit out, and we may know it's not us, but we're still like, well, this is what gay is, and I'm gay, and I feel like I need to be like this
I n n e r t h o u g h t s . . .
"I always thought that when I went to college, I could live and be free That's not what happened I went there, and the moment the opportunity presented itself for me to be open, I closed back in and lied and all that stuff."
There are nuances and layers to it. Now I'm snapping my fingers and my tone of voice changes. My body movements have changed, and I might be a little feminine. We are weaving through what masculinity and femininity are and trying to find that balance within ourselves. We don't have conversations about how the people around us become uncomfortable.
We don't. I never gave them compassion. [But] I'm not apologizing for being so engulfed in my experience.
I don't think anybody should apologize.
I know how uncomfortable it is for me because I know what I need to do to get over this threshold. I have to be in your face. Even though I don't want this wig on, I have to be in your face with it. I have to see.
What other things were you in your or their faces about?
It was some good times, but it was also some bad times So, I used to be this guy where I was like, 'I would never let feminine fuck me '
Why would you be so loud and then get so low when you say that?
I can't believe I'm saying this to you, but this is what I need to do. This is hard for me, that's why. I have candid conversations with people behind the scenes and in the public…
You're such a lady. But it is an important conversation. That's one of those themes that runs rampant in the community no femmes and no fats kinda thing. These things are still said in the community. At its core, it is very discriminatory.
I remember back in the day, if he was a bottom and I wanted my little thang sucked, I would deepen my voice and say, 'Bro ' Lord knows I don't say, bro
You sure don't.
I'm doing it mostly for me, but at the same time, I
am denying a part of myself for this person to be comfortable with me It's a catch-22
Again, going back to stereotypes. We have a certain persona of what gayness looks like. We get in these situations and find out that the majority of it is bullshit. You mentioned talking about love. What is your concept of love? How are you identifying what love is?
I know I love you when I can't stand you and still want to be around you. That's how I know I love you. People call me toxic for that reason. I talk about how they annoy me first. To some degree, it is, but that's how I know. I love the fuck out of them. You love me when you take a stand for me when it's not the coolest thing to do. Or you're there for me at my lowest point. I can't say it never happened. I've seen love more prevalent in platonic relationships. But that's my problem.
What's your problem?
I fuck on the first date I think that's my problem I found that out in the shower the other day I said, 'You need to stop fucking on the first date '
How did you come to that conclusion?
At first, I was like, why don't all these niggas pursue me? They're not consistent, why? But they have said it to me. I've seen it in their eyes that they want it. Jerimiah, it has to be you. It has to be something that you're doing. What am I doing consistently with every man? I am kissing and fondling the first meetup. But I like to have that freedom.
That brings another question to my mind. When we talk about that spectrum, when we're finding ourselves, all of this freedom and desire, we become very highly sexual. How do you feel about that?
I feel like I'm highly sexual Am I comfortable with it? Not as much as I would like to be Even talking about it right now, I'm trying to make myself more sexually mature I can talk about it, but I feel a piece of it is that people will read this
A one-date stand?
“Jerimiah,ithastobeyou.Ithastobesomethingthatyou'redoing.”
How would I look? It's such a push and pull. I like to fuck, but I have felt dirty afterward. There's nothing wrong with being highly sexual; it's who you be highly sexual with. My standards have become, over the years, disturbingly low. But I want to have more self-control and be more intentional.
For me, I love sex very much. I have a high sex drive, and I am also very sensual. However, I haven't been able to express that a lot. It's only recently that I've gotten to be more comfortable in saying it because I did not equate being sexual or highly sexual with spirituality. I put a box around what spirituality is and what it should look like. It was like, if I step over here and do all this kind of stuff, then that means that I'm not spiritual. Also, there are things that I keep hidden or don't express. A big reason is the field of work that I'm in and what I do.
That's what I'm scared of, though. What if one day I want to be Disney's first Black prince in human form? I be scared that like it will mess up my future.
Speaking of futures, you had all these experiences in college, and you left?
I dropped out when I was a sophomore I was gonna be an actor full time I never went to finish and I have no desire to finish at this time
Let's talk about you and your dreams and goals.
I went to L A to do show business It was called the ARTS Showcase My mom thought it was a scam. I said I'm gonna do it anyway. I had to see it through. Something in me was like, this could be it. And I want it to be it.
Every time I make a decision for myself and I go out on a limb, I want things to shake, and usually, an opportunity will come right after. I want that opportunity to be the opportunity so people can see I did the right thing. Whether it's me, my higher self that wants this, or the universe, I don't know why I have to be crucified and for people to see the fucking struggle.
I have some thoughts about that.
So, everyone knows I'm out of school And, spoiler alert, I didn't get a big break I know the New York Film Academy, and I see a lot of people, now when I read their stories, that didn't let money stop them I let it stop me But I always wanted to be trained in that way It's still room for me to be good I am very proud of myself for that.
You go to L.A., come back, and have all these opportunities.
Yes. In the meantime, I'm doing McCree Theatre. I'm doing independent projects. I was in therapy, and she thought I should move to L.A. 'cause she knew that's where my heart was. But it was intimidating to get in my car. I didn't see that happening. She said, make a whole week out of it. It might have worked, it might have, but I didn't see it.
You definitely would have had to make a week out of it.
I was too scared, too terrified And so, I ended up staying in Atlanta It's 12 hours straight down It's Black Hollywood
I moved to Atlanta, and I ended up doing the job thing cause I was taught you gotta have a good paying job
That's what they say.
I was very unhappy I'm doing corporate life, which I hate I got fired, and I lost every fucking thing. I couldn't pay the rent anymore and was so financially unstable yet again. But that was the happiest moment because I finally started doing background work. My first gig was Creed III an 11-day shoot.
I didn't know that!
It didn't matter that the drive was an hour away. It didn't matter that it was a 14-hour fucking day for $175. That did not matter. I didn't feel like I was getting robbed. I've done background work on Dynasty, Monarch, and The Johnsons. I've done a web series. I had a plan, but I had to come back home
It sounds like you were doing what you wanted to do.
I was happy I wanted more I didn't want to just do background But it was enough I found a job where I could work It was nice
And you came to Michigan because you were diagnosed with cancer. From that, you decided to write a poetry book. Now your life has switched gears again. Being an actor fell into the background, and you're moving into your writing phase. You alluded that being sad gives you some of the best poetry. How do your love life, personal life, and queerness reflect in this arena?
Back then, it was just like, what was me? I wanted to be this Edgar Allen Poe, very dark and grim, but their words were so sweet a Nina Simone. It is depressing, but it's deep, and it feels good going through your fingertips But it is dangerous It is lonely, unknown, and mysterious Now I'm like, we wanna be more honest We want to evolve and elevate
Yeah, cause you've done some poetry shows around the city and elsewhere. At some of those shows, you stood up in front of a live audience and read some gay shit.
It's the straightest place you can be It is very inclusive They're not homophobic But it is a straight place I was proud of myself, but I couldn't believe I did that in front of these people. I'm over here talking about I'm the other man, that I broke up a happy home cause I wasn't happy alone. I'm saying all this shit about a nigga. It was just a lot.
Having read some shit like that to an audience of people, I know the feeling.
It was very hard for me to be proud of myself. In that space, I couldn't let myself be queer I couldn't. I kept not trying to be over masculine, but hiding certain parts and refraining from saying certain things. Probably not flirting with the cute guy right there in the front row that's fine as hell
They do be fine as hell.
Now, I'm showing it Now, I'm making it a requirement If I'm called to do this poem, and it's a gay poem, I'm performing on stage unless I perform it. That's why I took a break. I'm scared.
Oh, so that's the real reason why you took a break.
That's the real reason. I talked to Mama Sol and kept telling her I wanted to perform and do these things, but I'm not there yet. I'm sweating. I'm uncomfortable. She said, 'You got to sit with your gift until you are ready. It's your baby, you got to nurture it.'
That's what started it. I only have so many in that book that is very neutral. But the ones that I find very good are the gay ones There's too many straight places, and it's like, yeah, make these places get it, but I'm so new to it
Well, at least you're not sweating with this. Well, you might have been if the air wasn't on.
That's why I put myself in these situations When I'm in it, I know how to get out I gotta navigate through it
You gotta swim, baby.
When you throw me in there, I'm going to shore But I'm not gonna get in the goddamn water That's what's blocked my blessings lately
. Well, it's good that you understand that you are blocking your blessings. I think that's good.
But knowing is half the battle.
It's really like a quarter.
First of all, you know. Then, you get to the point where you're able to talk about and admit it. I just got out of that because I'm talking to you now, and this is public, and I sat with this. I'm at the early stage of the work. That took me a long time because I knew a long time ago I was toxic I finally was able to admit it And now I want to do the work, and it's hard
It's a lifelong journey.
I just can't wait to see the fucking crops, shit, planting, watering these motherfuckers
. So, where do you see this going? What is it that you envision for yourself?
That's a good question. Because that's something where it's like, I don't know. I can see myself in so many directions. I love this journalism thing. I like sitting down with people and asking them about their lives. I love acting. I also wanna make music too. I want to make my own E.P., sing, and write for people. But also have my own full body of work. I want to have a strong social media presence. I want to be consistent on that.
I think you can do all those things with consistency.
A t h e m e W h a t e v e r I t T a k e s T o M a k e Y o u H a p p y
“This year, it's Anita Bakers 'Whatever It Takes to Make You Happy ' And I'm at this point in my life where I'm doing whatever it takes to make me happy ”
That Oscar's mine That Grammy's for sure mine I'm finding out what Jerimiah brings to this world He makes people feel comfortable being themselves He allows space for them What he doesn't know is that him being himself, even the parts that he likes to hide, inspires people in their own way He still does not understand Whatever I do, I want to do that on a large scale: motivate people, make them laugh, and feel comfortable being themselves.
That's commendable as fuck.
Last year, I realized I had a theme song 'I Want To Dance With Somebody.'
Great song. Great song.
Got people going out here. Everywhere I play, people know it. No matter what their age is, they jump, they dance. White, black, gay, straight, they want to dance with somebody, right? That was my theme last year This year, it's Anita Baker's 'Whatever It Takes to Make You Happy ' And I'm at this point in my life where I'm doing whatever it takes to make me happy
Thank you, Jerimiah Whitehead. And shoutout to your mother, also. This was such a moment.
