Richard Williams Vol. 27

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF VOL. XVII

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I am pretty excited to present my good friend and Vol. 27's guest Richard Williams or who I love to call Dr Williams As he reads this, no doubt, he's probably saying in his mind, 'Xzavier, I'm not a doctor yet." [laughs] But since when did we let pieces of paper validate our existence?

Richard and I met through usual yet unusual means. We both share a mutual friend who introduced us on the basis that I could assist Richard in a spiritual capacity I thought it was a one-and-done thing, but when debating on who to interview for Season 04, he came to mind. We'd spoken a little about him being queer but what grabbed me was his spirit Hiding away within himself was a gentle, insanely intelligent, critical thinking spiritual giant. He radiated a bright light, and I knew he was the one

Fast forward a few months, and I'm happy to say he and I are good friends. What's funny about Richard is his academic and cerebral nature He also smokes, has a plethora of pets, including a fucking tarantula *shivers*, loves meditating/yoga, and enjoys vibing the fuck out But he houses an incredible story dealing with his mental health, queerness, family, and working with Special Education students.

In this era of life, as we continue to move forward despite traumatic experiences, I felt Richard's story was critical and inspiring. So, without further ado, I introduce the Modern Queer's 27th guest, Dr. Richard Williams.

You and I have talked about you working in Special Education and your mental health, but you're always on the go. [laughs] Are you taking the time to sit with yourself and breathe?

I'm still perfecting it I had a method when I first started that worked for me for D C public schools But the intensity and the demand up here [in Massachusetts] is tough!

You need a whole new reevaluation of your self-care program.

I’m doing that now Last week I realized this ain’t working I had a therapy session, and he was like, ‘you’re doing this thing where you vomit all over the world. Then you get a little space, and then it fills up again.’

From talking with you that does seem to be the case. [laughs]

The psychological and emotional piece, I know they're interrelated, but it's separate. For me, the psychological piece is more conceptual intellectual. The emotion is all feeling. The psychological piece is I'm going to be reading. Like I just read, The Mindful Path of Self-Compassion amazing book I read it about a month ago, and soon as I finished that book, things changed

Well I do remember seeing an Instagram post where you were trying to read a book a week. I was like got damn.

I just pulled up The Body Keeps the Score, and I'm loving this book because back in January, I decided to come off meds I'm off all psychotropic meds. I don't even see the psychiatrist at all and navigating life not numbed and drugged. I've been drugged for eight years now. The day I walked

out of the mental hospital, I had a nice little baggy of drugs.

What were you taking?

I’ve taken a lot. I've done it all. [laughs]

Well congratulations are in order. How do you feel taking that step?

I am overwhelmed, but it’s a good overwhelmed. So back in February, I reached out and got a second therapist. As my OG, my primary guy is a licensed Clinical Social Worker out of D.C. He’s amazing. He’s very streets oriented, outcomes-driven, and he’ll check you in a heartbeat What I love about it was like, as we’ve built our relationship, he’s been observing my whole yoga, Buddhism thing, and he’ll check-in and ask about it. He casually mentioned, ‘yeah, I started following this crystal guru on Instagram, and I think maybe you should try this crystal I don’t know as much as you do yet, but I’m getting there ’

Look at you out here affecting change.

Of course, APA (American Psychology Association) doesn’t acknowledge crystals, empaths, and all that good stuff, but he was like, it’s a tool for you to navigate the world It doesn’t harm anybody; go for it But I needed something a little more, especially when I was coming off of meds. I reached out to a couple of different people and found a psychologist here. He is probably the most authentic guy or therapist I’ve ever had, and I’ve been in therapy since I was 16, 17 years old I’m 32 now

Jeez! That’s almost a quarter of your life at this point.

I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago, and he held space for

me as a person and not a client. That was one of the most impactful things I think I’ve ever experienced with him. He’s also not a big fan of medication, so he’s helped me navigate. When I had my meltdown, I go low, and with the supposed bipolar, typically, my body will respond by sending me manic But it seemed to go past the hypomania stage into fullblown mania.

He was like, ‘I’m gonna frame this for you. You’re learning to live again. You have been numb for eight years. Before those eight years, you spent your life trying to avoid or numb any feeling Now you don’t have anything, you’re just sitting in your house, and all of that feeling is coming up intense because you don’t have the frame of reference to scale it.'

That’s sounds very levelheaded.

I started having that revelation when I was in D C probably a year or two ago I was like, these pills aren't working Y'all pumping me to the max, and nothing's working. We're pumping millions, if not billions of dollars, into antidepressants, and they don't work.

This sounds related to the trauma induced therapy.

When I first started with my OG, we did our whole intake a couple of weeks later. He was like, 'I want you to explore self-esteem. Does that seem to be a big thing for you? You're very low in it.' I'm like nobody's ever really [said nothing].

[laughs] Nobody threw that out there.

He said they don't do that because there's no treatment for it there's no pill for it. There's no structured program or protocol. If I were to put down a diagnosis of

"I'M AN ACADEMIC, SO I'M LIKE, HOW DO I EVALUATE THIS. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN VALIDATE WHAT SOMEONE SAYS ABOUT A CHAKRA."

On an academic spiritual journey...

low self-esteem, most insurance companies would reject it.

They would say buy some new clothes or go to the gym.

I got to have something they can give me the pill for I would say it stopped my spiritual growth journey I was getting to the point where I had a lot of questions I'm an academic, so I'm like, how do I evaluate this. It's not like you can validate what someone says about a chakra. [laughs]

[laughs] This is something we talked about when we first met. Because you were so academic there were a plethora of books you could check out.

Of course, I'm doing research Then I was listening to this book from Audible, and it was based on a lot of Buddhist thought. He had this whole chapter about the guru and why you don't need a guide. To get the message, you have to live.

Experience will always be the best teacher. Considering that you're off meds, you're having a whole new experience that you've never had before. You have no idea where it's going to go, what's going to happen. It can be very fearful. Although, on the other side, is this grand adventure. This is a new space. This is undiscovered territory. I'm going to learn so many new things I didn't even know about myself.

I call her spirit the divine one, and she led me. Looking back on it, I was like, ‘I don’t like you.’ [laughs] But going back to my little awakening moment back in May, I felt

this pressure, this weight. I got to take a break, so I went up to the mountains. She let me go. I found a little bit here and there and picked up on some things. All of those things have built me to the point that I can say, let’s do it, no meds. If today is the day, we’ll rock it out

I think that’s a critical and beautiful mindset to have A problem many of us face is how we are looking at these things; what’s our perspective? Before we do something, before we even create, we start with this failure mentality which automatically puts us in a low vibration mindset.

Right I was talking to somebody the other day, and they were like, ‘so where are you going with the spiritual thing? What’s the goal?’ The goal is not to be where I am today. [laughs] That’s all I got. I don’t know what to tell you.

[laughs] I don’t know if you can really have a goal in this.

It's not just enlightenment. It's beyond that. If you keep digging, there's a whole other level. I've moved away from the label of selfhelp or self-improvement because it's not about improving for me. It's just growth That slight distinction is really important Preparing for this book in deficit thinking and reflecting on my education career, we're trained to think in a deficit mindset.

Definitely.

Oh, well you're here, you gotta get here No, I'm here and I'm great!

Contrary to what y'all say, I feel like I'm fine where I'm at.

If I'm able to feed, clothe, and take care of myself, what does it matter?

Being an African American educator or working in HIV/AIDs Prevention, you go into these conferences, read the books, and research, and it's always some gap. Black and Brown people are at the bottom of the totem pole for X, Y, and Z reasons.

Dr Ivory Toldson wrote a book, No BS (Bad Stats) He deconstructs most of those false or harmful statistics on Black folks. He completely, I mean, just boldly says the achievement gap is a lie because for one to have an achievement gap, you’re comparing two kids, which you shouldn’t do Then the comparison you’re doing is promoting white supremacy You’re making the white and or affluent kids the ideal. Why are they ideal? Why is the CEO better than the farmer? Without the farmer, the CEO ain’t eating. So, who’s important?

Looking at that duality, you could not have white supremacy without looking and creating black inferiority.

Something triggered a memory from the book on spiritual materialism where he said you have to move away from dualism. There’s more than black and white, yes and no There’s a whole other world out there As I’m learning the self-compassion concept and making that front and center and just how I operate, it’s all a continuum. It’s almost like I’m seeing stuff they’re not focusing on seeing. Like, are y’all seeing this!? [laughs] Which has been interesting in and of itself.

That shows how conditioned we are, right? Even as you and I continue to evolve on our own journey, you still hit layers of conditioning. We say this can only look this way because it's been this way forever. We can look at family traditions or the family

dynamic. In my examination, family is a microcosm of what's happening in society. Same rules, same hierarchy. How are we not challenging this? How are we not redefining this?

I would move past redefining and reconceptualize all of it There's a big debate now on redefining or whatever masculinity We should address that, but we gotta go a little bit deeper and define what a human is. We got babies, moms, and dads in cages. Black folk can't go running without getting murdered. Trans people can't just walk around the street and exist without being murdered and not even making the news Before we worry about who's masculine and feminine, who is you?

Reminds me of James Baldwin when he says in relation to white people that, before you know your name you have to know mines.

When are you going to uphold all of the stuff that has been preached? So, I've just been reconceptualizing a lot. Is this something society wants me to do or society says I should do? But it's very intimidating. Do I want to go against the grain? Yes, I will feel better for a little bit, but once I start holding that boundary because they promote this, other folks don't respond well to them They forget to tell you that part.

And people don't like when you create boundaries for yourself.

It’s kind of like school where we give you half the information

Because you need to prepare for what comes after the setting of these boundaries.

For years, I used to deny my free spirit because it didn't fit in the categories.

I was thinking that as I was doing some of the deeper work with my new guy, we were going to way back into childhood. He's one of those. [laughs]

[laughs] He sounds like a real one. But I agree. You got to go and excavate the childhood. That's where it starts.

He was like, everything you’re doing now is from then It’s how you frame the world It’s not necessarily saying that your parents were bad, but it’s how you, as a child interpreted the world and built up coping skills and survival mechanisms. They worked, and you kept doing it, and now they don’t work, and they probably never really worked. [laughs]

They worked until you started freaking the fuck out and had that moment of awareness. [laughs]

For a while, I didn't want to talk to anybody in my family Keep in mind my parents were great, but I was processing

family dynamics

I did not want to be angry, upset, or resentful. [My therapist] told me, 'did they know the impact of 30 years from now?' And it dawned on me We're so big on reading and writing that we don't even know how to think We don't know how to care for ourselves We were never taught I've had conversations with several of my family members, including both of my parents, and they've said, well, I birthed you, etc. I'm like, great, but I'm an adult now.

And in that aspect, we need to have these conversations.

We're going to have conversations where you're going to have to hold my humanity above all You made a human You made me, yes, but I am now this. [laughs]

[laughs] These levels of understanding the older we get, I feel a lot of it is not coming from a place of blame, although many will and do place blame. But often, it's coming from a place of trying to understand and having selfforgiveness. Regardless of whatever your parents did, you're going to have to forgive it and let it go for you to move on.

"I did not want to be angry or upset, or resentful. [My therapist] told me, 'did they know the impact of 30 years from now?'"

Communicating, at least in my experience, has always been helpful in that process. But, there have been moments where communication ain't happening, and I have to move on without it. Still, it's not just boundaries that we need to be aware of, but also what we unearth when we excavate our experiences and understand them

It does. I've had and probably will continue to have several of those moments. I had a moment where I've put a wall up, and it was like, do not enter for the world. People did not like that at all I was worried about saying the wrong thing, and the next thing I know, somebody at my door like hop in the van.

If I don't know how to communicate effectively, I'm not going through the whole fight. If I can't organize my thoughts and find my words, we live in 2021, where if I say the wrong thing, there'll be a cop at my door, and they'll have an ambulance or I say the wrong thing on social media next thing I know SWAT team here.

That's fucked up, but it’s true.

But in that space of just aloneness, I found my voice I've always struggled with that as a child, as a professional I always amplify and bring up the voices of ignored people, but I never give them mines. When that quietness came, I was able to find my voice. I do this kind of grounding meditation cause I'm really connected to the earth

You truly are and I tell you that all the time.

My meditation and grounding are a visualization of a root going deep into the ground, connected to my body. I am rooting myself in

mother earth, releasing a lot and taking in a lot. I meditate on little things like washing the dishes. I think it goes back to the social norms. In the traditional text, you have to sit this way to do meditation. No, absolutely not. The goal of meditation remains the same, but the method to get there is on you I don't have to calm my mind I don't have to have quiet If my mind doesn't like quiet, that's fine. I can still be mindful. I can pull up a seat to watch these thoughts.

Wow. [claps]

That's a big one, you know!? [laughs]

That’s something that I’ve had to learn over several years. They all start like clear your mind, let everything go, focus on the breath. And I’m guilty of it because I taught meditation. But it’s like, how am I supposed to do that? I’ve been thinking every day for 30 years! Then I learned to be aware.

What do I want to pay attention to? What do I want to become aware of? Do I want to be mindful of my thoughts? Do I want to be aware of my body? Do I want to be aware of the energy floating around this place that I’m in? I could do that. What is it that I want to focus on to get me, as you said, to this grounded state of peace and enlightenment?

I can even see it progressing to maybe one day getting to that point where I could sit for a day and meditate It could get quiet, but I got 32 years of conditioning to get through to get to that point I got however many years left of stressful days to figure out how to navigate. One of the first steps to any real peace is learning that detachment and that mindfulness. And I think people get afraid of the

word detachment. They're like, oh, I can't love someone. You can love someone, but don't get so attached to when they end you end. One of the biggest things I think for my spiritual journey I wanted in the beginning is I need to find structure, a routine, and practice I've abandoned that I'm happy I am finding my peace

Getting older in this human body, I spent my teens, my twenties, in this whirlwind thinking that I had to have everything together and my life needed to look a particular way. Being in my thirties, how do I want this decade in my life to look? Have I learned the lessons or enough to know when new stressors come, I'm not flying off the handle? How do we continue to move forward and not be so triggered by everything and find peace even when we are triggered?

When I started to feel, I would get stuck in that feeling Two weeks ago I woke up early I was sitting in the bed, and I was just like I'm stuck. I guess spirit kind of came, and bitch slapped me like move. Get up! I got up, and I just started doing random things around the house.

Sometimes all it takes is to get out the bed and physically walk into another room. Then you're like, what the hell energy is in this room? [laughs] I need to go in there and do a whole deep cleaning session.

Getting back to your point of how we continue to grow, I looked at my childhood like it is what it is My twenties was me trying to conform to the stereotypical gay community--the clubs and all of that. I hate that. I don't even drink anymore. It numbed me to get through the night. I did not want to be there, but where else was I supposed to go? No fault to my

IN THAT SPACE OF JUST ALONEN ESS, I FOUND MY VOICE.

THE QUIET SPACES

ANY REAL PEACE IS LEARNIN G THAT DETACH MENT

parents, but they're straight. They don't know gay culture.

[laughs] Well, at least they were honest about it.

[laughs] They were like, we can get a book from the library Then the late twenties is that period where we reject all things social I don't club I'm all business I'm all about the career. I gotta have my house and my 800-credit score. [laughs] I want to do me. I'm tired of trying to fit in because I don't. And I love that about me. I'm not one of the sheep.

[laughs] I'm just out here doing me and chilling.

I don't think anybody is one of the sheep if they would look up a little bit. We're conditioned to keep our heads down and work or school or whatever. I focus on continuously asking and questioning and reflecting

[laughing] Wait a minute. I need to point this out real quick. I'm laughing because you are goofy as fuck. I just noticed that your facial expressions are everything. A whole character just popped up.

One thing that we haven't dived into is your queer identity and how that's an extra coating. When was the moment you knew, and what was that experience like of recognizing it and then coming to accept it, if you have accepted it?

In middle school, I was starting to pick up that I would pay more attention to boys than I would girls I caught myself daydreaming or just kinda staring I think I had like my first real girlfriend, if you want to call it that, it was like all of the two weeks.

That was the relationship back in those days. It consisted of school and the telephone. [laughs]

[laughs] Right. That was a whole thing. I never really engaged with people. I've always been in my little world. We were both in some class together and were always together, and everybody just assumed we liked each other. I guess it was about time I try this thing out But then I realized her brother's really cute

That’ll do it. [laughs]

And then I realized that I spent more time thinking about her brother than I did her. When we called after nine, you know, cause the minutes [laughs], it would be, what's your brother doing? How's his day? Then it was like, oh, well, how was yours? I've always been, I guess, an academic because I'm over here researching what is gay.

I'm not even mad at you. I was in Borders Bookstore and Barnes & Noble’s looking for gay novels that can explain some shit.

My dad started the whole sex talk We had it yearly, and it got more in-depth. I had to give dad props. You knew when the yearly talk was coming because he would go to the library, and he never really went to the library like that. We knew all the anatomy and everything He made sure we were educated

Your parents sound real understanding and accepting of this.

It was never an anti-gay family. But I think over time, they picked up on it too cause they were like, ‘do you have any questions about anything else?’ And I’m like, 'no, what do you mean?' I don’t know what you’re talking about This is a 1990s world.

[laughs] It was a different time back then for sure.

I started researching different ways to come out. I was reading the bad stories, the good stories, cuss I got to figure out how to do this. I think at one point, that’s when parents used to [internet] history check. My mom had pulled the history, and she printed it out She went and asked my dad

I’m dying! [laughs]

When I came out, we had the whole conversation, like, do you understand what it means? Then we talked. I’m like, I’m gay. They’re like, what’s the problem. And my dad maintained rules about sex The only rules he had were you can’t have sex in the house and don’t give him a grandbaby before we’re ready to give him one. The same rules applied. They had to kind of process it on their own. We came back, and they were like, we don’t know what’s going on, but let us know what you need, and we’ll figure it out

Listening to this story it seems you have one of the smoothest coming out stories I’ve heard. [laughs]

They’re like, you don’t have to hide it. Just be you. If you bring somebody, you bring somebody, and if you don’t, you don’t I still had to navigate that cause I hid it most of high school We’re talking about an hour outside of Atlanta, in the middle of a cotton field. It was a whole different kind of group. I didn’t start exploring it and coming to terms with what gay is, and I still don’t fully understand it. We see what we see, and a lot of times, even what we read is not what gay is Gay is not always the super fit, hypersexual, well-paid person I go rock climbing. I just spent hours digging in and out animal cages.

Then most people would say you're too masculine.

"YOU CAN BE GAY AND LIVE WITH ALL THESE ANIMALS AND WHATEVER."

I wouldn’t even say that. You can be gay and live with all these animals and whatever. I think society generally gets so hyper-focused on defining what gay is, and we’ve forgotten. I remember stories like Baldwin or other writers and how you experienced love through their writing. I feel like that’s more or less what a gay person is. It’s not all of these fit bodies and contour this

It's not a superficial thing.

It’s just instead of giving love to a girl it’s to a boy. That’s it and beyond that ain’t much to it. I’ve often struggled with that, especially in current events. It’s 2021. Why are we so afraid of someone who loves? Why are y’all also anti-love? Why do you hurt so bad?

These are the therapist's questions.

I look at a lot of the pain today What is it? Why do we hate? Where is the humanity? I feel like one day I’m going to go off and do a Descartes and get a little cabin in the woods with a blizzard and come out with

this whole piece that’s gone forever change humanity. [laughs]

[laughs] I feel the same way. It’s gone be amazing. But I agree a hundred percent on that because everything about us is influenced. We are prepped for 17, 18 years, got the game plan, got the script, and have fun.

Yeah I think it's sad to see that we have killed so many spirits, imaginations, and light in people and so many kids.

Does this happen to you? Have you run into any queer students who’re like game recognize game? When I used to teach and work for afterschool and pre-college programs, you could always tell.

I think I’ve seen it in a few different ways Sometimes I’ll see them, and I’m kinda like, all right, you know what I need to find to them a little guidance My younger students didn’t have to navigate the coming out process with me until I started teaching high school.

It was a group of them that were just confused about sexuality and gender. You know that you may or may not be straight. [laughs] We called it The Pride Club. We were really low-key. We just had lunch once or twice a week in my room. That’s all I wanted for them cause all they needed was a space to talk and figure it out

That sounds amazing.

I didn’t even engage in the conversation. There was no agenda, and we had definite boundaries. There were certain things that we’re not going to get super detailed about I used just to leave a laptop open and the projector You know, I don’t know their experience, but I gave them that opportunity to explore in a safe space where they weren’t judged.

So, I’m able to connect with students on so many different levels Who am I to judge anybody? I’m a person to create a space for you to learn and grow in all capacities, not just academics. So, let’s do it. Let’s ask questions. Let’s explore. That’s critical thinking.

That’s where I think we share huge commonalities. That’s pretty much how I was—especially at Georgetown. I can teach our reading, writing, math, science, history, all of that. But I also recognize that there are people who can do that way better than me. We share that ability to create a space where anyone could come and just be.

I incorporated that into the floor of the classroom I had a couch or old chair or whatever I always had something to lay on and different places to go and sit. They're learning and their mastering all these little skills because they were comfortable.

Exactly. If you let them be, they can clearly learn on their own. They do not need me, or us, in that process to potentially inhibit it.

They got it. If they can't figure it out, that's why I'm there to give them a different way beyond that We took too much power over their own learning

So, after all this, what is your purpose for doing something like this?

I think for me, there have been many instances where I have felt invisible They don't see who I am They don't see my humanity They don't see the essence of me They just see a person. Those moments in life where you're seen for who you are, I need everyone to have those moments. I started as a loose mouth, younger adult who overshared. [laughs] And we all did it together!

[laughs] We all did.

As I’ve matured and learned how to word these and communicate, not just to spew out everywhere, I will have moments where I think maybe I am oversharing. Someone will text me or email me or DM me, and it’s like, thank you I don’t feel alone anymore There is a way up I think I have fallen more times than I’ve gotten up at this point Some of them have been war, but I’m a better person every time I come out.

We all do. Everything that’s happened was necessary for you to be where you are today. The brightest light cast the greatest shadows.

I may not necessarily have all the coping skills, but those experiences have given me more wisdom than any pill or therapy ever could

As traumatic as a hospital could be, there are certain moments here and there where it’s like you connect with someone on a very raw, essence kind of level.

I mean, y’all all in there for a reason What are you hiding? You can just be My goal is to give that space to individuals without having to go through the very traumatic experience of being hospitalized. Those experiences supposedly keep you safe, but they’re traumatic.

There's something very raw and vulnerable about that statement. You want to provide that space without the need to go to an external space and feel locked into that space like now I can't leave. In that statement, there's a richness and something very commendable, especially in working with special-ed students.

Sometimes it still aggravates me when you see a bunch of teachers who tried to be the hype man of the school They're always the ones dancing in the hall because they want to be the cool guy, and sometimes they are. I've never been the dude that's going to go out in the pep rally. Mr. Williams is going to be in the bleachers with the rest of y'all, and we're going to hang out

I agree but every once in a while you might catch me doing a dance or two at the pep rally. [laughs] I think it's all about defining you for yourself and setting the intention that this is what I want to do.

But I also am that teacher who would have a mountain of papers, copies, coffee, and a donut in his hand and see a little person running around or slowly walking by themself, put it all down and go, hey, how are you and just seeing them.

Freedom or enslavement...

[laughs] I can see that.

We don't do that anymore Children are humans They have rights They have feelings and their own unique theme.

You sound like a friend of mines who had that very conversation with her college students.

Have you seen the Fred Hampton movie? I watched it when it came out, and it was amazing. I was researching because I never really heard much about him There's this video of a lady who was reflecting on her time with him when he was alive It has stuck with me ever since I've seen that. He goes on to explain; I cannot take you to a place that had never been. I cannot define a word for which my people have never been given the definition.

Well got damn.

It was just powerful He ends it by saying that I often wonder who I would be and where I would be born free I think I cried for 30 minutes because of the emotion from that We're supposedly in the free world and the freest country ever to exist, but I would argue no one in this country is free. What would it be like to be free in all aspects?

I believe that is something we all aspire to be. Well Dr. Williams, I'm going to have to start calling and texting you more often. [laughs] I thoroughly seem to enjoy having conversations with you. Thank you so much, man. This was amazing.

"We'resupposedlyinthefree worldandthefreestcountryever toexist,butIwouldarguenoone inthiscountryisfree.Whatwould itbeliketobefreeinallaspects?"