This season is host to a wide variety of women, courtesy of Vol. 02’s feature, Israel Conerly. I’m grateful to her because it’s challenging to find queer women of color. Thanks to Israel, Vol. 26’s feature Myla Smith and I met. A follow on Instagram later, and now Myla and I are friends Seriously, I love this woman she’s full of light and love. Not only that, but I had to be friends with someone who loved anime and K-pop as much as I do and is unapologetic about their geekiness
This conversation was the second time we ever met the first being at our photoshoot at the museum. Along with my friend and photographer, Xandr B , we strolled around that museum getting ourselves into a ridiculous amount of trouble. It was in those moments that I got to see Myla.
She was fun and light-hearted. She’d never done an editorial photoshoot, and we laughed at her constant hesitation with certain poses But, I witnessed another side to her, one with fire, attitude, and fierceness. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of her That side of personality is apparent here too, and it’s quite hilarious.
Talking with and featuring Myla is a treat with a touch of seriousness. Honestly, what’s displayed here, was a happy accident Some pieces should’ve been fleshed out like conversations about her family and childhood but what is here is full of wisdom, truth, and soul. Well enough talking. Welcome to Season 04, Vol 26, featuring Myla Smith.
"I'm starting to become the type of person where I'm caring less about the materialistic things and more about experiences."
On being 23-years-old...
Would you like some wine?
Yes! Now it’s a fancy interview.
It’s Stella Rosa. It’s the taste for me. It’s very delicious.
[takes a sip] Ooooo. It is! But I confess I peeped the other bottle over there. [laughs] Well, I am here with the talented and hilariously funny Myla Smith. Y’all she be dropping real shit on Instagram. But she also snaps photos of people running down the street in a dinosaur costume. [laughs]
Yes People being me [laughs]
We're here for it. I have to say thank you so much for sitting down with me. As well, thank you for coming to Flint for the photoshoot. Amazingly, you decided to be a part of this collection of queer stories that has grown tremendously. It started with eight people, and when you drop, you'll be the 26th person. You are a part of this family, this expansive network of queer Black, Latinx, and Asian people.
Thank you inviting me.
[takes another sip] We're going to start this off real simple. What people don’t know is, this is our second time meeting. So, who are you? Where did you grow up?
All right. I am 23 years old, born and raised on Detroit’s East side, Seven Mile, 48205 Red Zone! [laughs]
[laughs] What the fuck just happened?
[laughs] Let’s see, what else would you like to know? I graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Political Science and Pre-law.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. But, no longer gonna be a lawyer. [laughs] Currently, I work for a nonprofit from home, and it's a very fulfilling job. Most of my time, I just work, but I think experiences as a person is way more important than having a job Work's not something that's on my mind all the time I'm not like I want to do this and do that. No, I just want to be here.
Going back to one of your Instagram stories, you hit it something so perfectly. You said something like, ‘why the fuck do I have to work to take care of myself?’ My sister and I were dying laughing.
Absolutely. That’s not what we came here for. I’m jealous of the people who are like this is what my career goal is; this is my passion. Working will never be a passion to me At the end of the day, work becomes work No matter how much you love it, you’re gonna get sick of it
I think that’s a fair point even doing something like this. I genuinely love it, but my friends know that there was a point where I felt burnt out.
I’ve never been that type of person who could just stay in the same role for 10, 20 years I think that’s something about our generation, we’re not meant to work our lives away.
Interviewing many different people and talking amongst my friends, it's the same sentiment. In my opinion, we've seen our parents and grandparents work in the shops and factories for 20, 30, 40 years. We watched as their body broke down and the numerous health problems. We felt the stress they endured. I believe, collectively, we
said, ‘I want to choose a different way of doing it.’
I feel there's no happiness in that. How can you live your life knowing the same 20 people, not seeing the world, not knowing, or hearing any different languages? I've tried, but I just can't fall into that hole
It's easy to fall into All of this is designed to do that. You get a job with a steady paycheck, and it's 'Oh, I can afford this. I can afford that.' The gag is you have to keep that job or jobs to maintain these things that you have. That's the trap.
Oh, my goodness, that is the trap
The debt that you put yourself into because your credit gets better. You’re like, ‘I can get approved for this. I don’t mind paying $200.’ You get that car note and rent. I had to sit myself down because I found myself getting into that. I make so much money, and I can go and buy what I want I didn’t have much until I started getting it on my own
I think that’s the story for a lot of us. We come from less ideal circumstances, material wise, and you find yourself wanting all the shit you never had or could never afford to have. Hell, that was me when I got my first apartment at 19.
I had to sit myself down and say, ‘All right do you want all this shit that you don’t care about, and that won’t matter in a few months, or do you actually want to live?’
Where it becomes less about what I have and more about what can I experience.
I'm starting to become the type of person where I'm caring less about materialistic things and more about experiences and nurturing my passions. [I love] traveling and
meeting new people. That's what I care more about. Once my lease is over, I made the choice to move back in with my dad.
I was like, move in with your father, in that small house [laughs], stack up, and then you'll be ready to move Me sitting here constantly living in debt, paying rent, paying pet insurance, paying this, paying that, for what? To walk around naked. It's not worth it right now. There's a time and place.
Now, in my thirties and looking back on my twenties, I wish I fostered some semblance of that. Well, I did, but it came later. [laughs] My mental state started to shift when I was 25. Before then, I followed this script given to me. I'm on this script, and I'm trying to make this work, but this motherfucker is going off the rails in a blaze of fire!
[glares heavily, takes a drink, and laughs]
[laughs] I think now if you have that relationship with your family, is there a need to automatically move out? Growing up in my Black household, my mother said when I hit 18, I’m grown, and I needed to get a job. Then I needed to get a place. I got conditioned to that mentality very young. I thought that’s what I needed to do. Plus, it’s amplified when it comes to relationships. We hear all the time, ‘I don’t want anybody who ain’t got their own shit, etc.’ In a lot of ways, you might be missing out on some blessings.
Exactly That's the issue with the Black community We see that as a bad thing. You have white families who live with their parents until their savings is where it needs to be.
We can also look at Hispanic and Asian cultures too.
And there’s no judgment. There is no, ‘you need to get out.’ If my head is in the right place, where I lay my head should be nobody’s business Cause even with me being 23, I’m young, but in my head, I’m like, I need to get my shit together, what am I doing? [laughs]
I will tell you that’s one of them thought forms floating around in the airways. [laughs]
I think it’s also a lot of imposter syndrome
There’s this pressure that we feel like we need to get our shit together in our twenties. That didn’t work out for me. It doesn’t seem to be working out for you either. [laughs] In that aspect, my life got uprooted several times. That was the catalyst for me to start seeking consciousness, spirituality, and living a minimalist life. It’s that freedom and that connection. So, girl, you fine. [laughs] None of us have it together. Kudos to the ones whose blocks fell in line. But, for a lot of us, there were some major curves and shit.
Whole ass land mines! So, [sips wine] one reason I wanted to sit down with you was that your spirit was light. At the same time, I was like, ‘who is she?’ That’s when I started seeing your post about anime, your cat Ambrose, and all these plants. [laughs] I wondered, ‘what kind of vibe is she on?’
I don't really think that I have a guideline that I fall in between or a label. I like anime, K-pop, Kdramas. At the same time, as far as spirituality, I don't really follow
anything. I feel like you do good, and good comes to you. I think that I closely relate to Hinduism or Buddhism most of the time, but I don't follow it strictly. I just do what makes me feel good. What makes me happy?
And what makes you happy?
If it's like having plants I love my plants. I talk to them every day. If it's having Ambrose, watching anime, I just do what makes me feel good. I will say that I am big on my ego and keeping my ego in check. I feel like the ego is a powerful thing
It is. We see it almost every day on social media, depending on who it is.
You see arguments because of people's egos, jealousy, selfhatred. I do think that the universe is a powerful, powerful place. Even when it comes to God, I feel God is wherever you see God at God could be a woman God could be your plants God could be outside in the stars. God could be the Christian version of God.
All very true. God is you!
But I feel like being on this planet, you're supposed to find what you connect with My connection is to nature Going outside and feeling the wind or sitting in silence just looking at the stars. That's when I feel most connected to the universe or God or Goddess, whatever. [laughs]
I think what gives you this lightness in your spirit is things like that. You're not focused on trying to maintain the status quo.
The moment that we understand that we were put on this earth to love and just to be here.
"I'm not saying that we should all be completely a hundred percent pure and loving because I'm a bitch." NICENESS WITH A TWIST
I’ve tried to read the bible, and the entire time I’m like, this is not for me God is everywhere around us I don’t need someone telling me to read chapters to feel close to God
Yes. That's key.
It sounds corny, but we're just here to love each other, love ourselves, and learn more about ourselves.
[laughs] A friend of mines says all the time that we’re just here collecting data.
Now, [sips wine] I'm not saying that we should all be completely a hundred percent pure and loving because I'm a bitch. [laughs]
[laughs] That took a left turn.
I'm not nice all the time! The fact that I'm able to recognize I'm just as bad as I am good, that that's what we are as humans, and nobody's a hundred percent good is okay
I feel anime builds character. The things and concepts that they talk about, some of the shit be hitting harder than the bible. It exposed me to a different world from the very get-go.
When I think about my life and how I’ve come to this moment, these are concepts that make me reflect on being a kid and watching anime. Anime has such elaborate multi-layered shows. They’re talking about religion, chakras, the afterlife, cybernetics, free will, and a buncha of other shit. In what ways has it influenced your life?
[shows off her Naruto phone case]
I peeped that when we were getting on the elevator [laughs]
I am a big anime nerd. I feel anime builds character. The things and concepts that they talk about, some of the shit be hitting harder than the bible. It exposed me to a different world from the very get-go.
Living in the hood, I always talk about how we never had much exposure to anything Through anime, for the first time, I’m hearing people speaking a foreign language. I see stuff like ramen. They’re traveling all over the world in anime. I’m like, ‘there’s places that look this?’
Indeed. Anime sucks you into a whole different space and time. It was those reasons and more for me too. You’re learning Japanese words, understanding culture, rocking out to the music.
To see so much nature and hear all these different personalities was very nice for me. My ex-boyfriend was the person that got me into it, and I feel it kinda shaped me as a person. It also made me like a little bit of a nerd, and I like that about me. It gave some depth to my personality. There's more to me than just being Black or a woman
I grew up in one of those types of household where we ain't got no car insurance. Mom was like, ‘ we not about to be going around all those white people!
Now that you mention it does add a different layer.
There's like a whole different side to you You bring up anime and it’s like character unlock [laughs] All this stuff pop out.
That's me with K-pop. Being a Black person who watches and listens to these things, you can connect to so many different people across so many different cultures when you're out in public. That allows us to experience a lot. Now, is some of it problematic? Absolutely.
Absolutely
As a Black person watching anime, listening to K-pop, or even watching Boy Love (BL) dramas, that shit is problematic. Although, I believe you can love something and be critical of it.
Some remarkable things arise. I learned a lot about myself. That’s where my inspiration to learn different languages, wanting to go to foreign countries and experience that culture, food, and all that came from.
My love for anime has helped me connect to some of my Japanese friends. It made me more comfortable [getting to know people of] different nationalities. I barely saw white people growing up.
Say what?
My family, we never really went anywhere For me, it was a vacation to go to Roseville. If you’re from Detroit, you know that Roseville is like 15 minutes away. I grew up in one of those types of households where we ain’t got no car insurance. Mom was like, ‘we not about to be going around
all those white people!’ [laughs]
So basically, the neighborhood and school you went to were predominately Black?
A hundred percent. We had mixed kids, but they’re Black, and you know my teachers were white [laughs]
You mentioned that you got into anime because of your exboyfriend. But here you are being interviewed for this queer magazine.
I am a in denial lesbian
An in-denial lesbian.
Absolutely. I still have not come to terms with it. I've always had those feelings, but I didn't want to label myself or act on something when I had never tried it.
Understandable. You wanted to test drive before committing to it. [laughs]
I didn't want to go out and say I'm bisexual when I'd never even been with a woman. I didn't know if I would like it. For a very long time, I didn't realize that until high school. There was this girl who was a lesbian, and I had a boyfriend at the time She was talking to me and everything We talked for like a week, but I felt sexually more for her than I did for my boyfriend of two years in that week. I was like, I need to reflect on this. [laughs]
You needed to find out what the hell was going on! [laughs]
For a very long time, I called myself bisexual Once I got to college, I started dating women more I call myself an in-denial lesbian because I have a physical attraction to men, but that's really all it is. It could be
physical, it could be mental, but it's never sexual.
Give us the break down on what that means.
Physical is a man's physique. I can look at a man and be like, ‘Oh, he's fine Look at the muscles God damn!’ [laughs]
[laughs] I’m sorry. It was the got damn that got me. I felt that. [laughs] Please continue.
[laughs] Sexually, like having sex with a guy, does not feel good for me It’s never good, and I done fucked around I had my hoe phase, and each time afterward, I would be disgusted I don’t like it I don’t feel any connection to that person. I don’t want to wanna be too explicit.
Be as explicit as possible.
I don't like dick! [laughs] I don't, and I can't make myself like it I'm disgusted by it
[laughs] I’m…wow. I hear queer men say all the time they can't do pussy. Hearing it from the other side though…wow.
I've dated men before. I would like them so much as a person I remember one time I was thinking, as I'm having sex with this guy, 'I can't do this for the rest my life '
[laughs] That’s deep.
I can’t marry a man. I can’t do it. I feel dirty after every encounter. And then with me being queer, the main thing that I hear from straight heterosexual men or women is, ‘you ain’t had the right dick yet ’ I done small dick, short dick, long dick, tall dick. What more do you want from me?
[laughs]
[laughs] Oh my god, I’m dying.
Or it’s like, ‘what happened to you and your life to make you like this?’ They always think that there’s trauma behind it. In some cases, maybe there are, but with me, I’m good I can’t tell you any deep dark trauma that I faced in my life to make me not like men I just simply don’t like the shit
Sitting here looking and listening I believe you.
A girl that I used to date, we were talking recently, and she told me, ‘you are the first woman I dated that's showed me that there are actually gay women out here ’
So, college is when you started to really explore that dynamic?
The first girl that I dated I just felt so comfortable.
Why did that hit me in the chest?
It’s like a warm feeling dealing with women With every woman that I dated, it just feels comfortable. The first one that I dated, it wasn't no beautiful, oh, we fell in love thing. No, that bitch broke my heart.
[laughs] Got damn!
She stopped talking to me and ghosted me type shit But it was still nice. The second woman that I dated, we ended up being in a very long-term relationship. We were together for a year and a half. She was the first woman I had sex with. That’s a story.
A very tantalizing experience? [laughs]
Honestly, it turned into a very terrible relationship towards the end. Things got really bad. It due to me as much as it was her.
" A b s o l u t e l y . I s t i l l h a v e n o t c o m e t o " A b s o l u t e l y . I s t i l l h a v e n o t c o m e t o
t e r m s w i t h i t I ' v e a l w a y s h a d t h o s e t e r m s w i t h i t I ' v e a l w a y s h a d t h o s e
f e e l i n g s , b u t I d i d n ' t w a n t t o l a b e l
f e e l i n g s , b u t I d i d n ' t w a n t t o l a b e l
m y s e l f o r a c t o n s o m e t h i n g w h e n I h a d
m y s e l f o r a c t o n s o m e t h i n g w h e n I h a d
n e v e r t r i e d i t " n e v e r t r i e d i t . "
Damn. Well there is a part we play in these relationships
Always. But by the end of that relationship, a bitch was in therapy. [laughs]
I had to do some self-reflecting I ain’t even want to talk to nobody else I said I need to be alone
You had that oh shit what does this say about me moment!
I need to get my chakras in order. I need to get closer to God! [laughs] I didn't like the person that I had become If I wasn't gay, that'd be the relationship to have turned me straight
But I think that happens when you
Disrespect is my trigger, but I'm able to recognize that sometimes it's my ego and I just feel that way
are with somebody for that long. For me, I slowly start to adopt some of their qualities and their mannerisms. After a relationship ends, you definitely need a minute to return to yourself and clear the energy.
I think for me, it more so brought out qualities I was carrying that I never felt the need to fix Ooooooo.
I only had one relationship prior. I had become a this is who I am, and if you don't mind, you can leave. But that was damaging my friendships. It was damaging my relationship with my family because I was a bitch
This is what you meant earlier.
It was more so, ‘ain’t nobody gon’ to talk to me crazy ’ I was one of those types of people. I still got that in me. Disrespect is my trigger, but I’m able to recognize that sometimes it’s my ego, and I just feel that way. I had a really bad anger problem, and I never really recognized it cause nobody had ever pissed me off like that [laughs]
In that case it becomes I know what triggers me. Now how do I mitigate this.
Another big factor is the fact that I was mourning. I lost my grandmother and she was the one who raised me
Sounds very similar to Anwar.
She was the woman who took care of
me With me losing her, I had never given myself a chance to grieve I tried to. I knew that I needed to be by myself. I got back [in a relationship] when I wasn't ready. With me being in this deep depression, her having her own shit going on, it took a toll, especially when y'all live together.
I know that life.
I didn’t want to talk to anybody I became so lonely, and I was missing out on time with my friends. I was missing all the time where I should have been nurturing my relationships and things like that. She ended up cheating, and that just went horribly.
Having sat down with Anwar, the topic of mental health with queer
It was a time of me maturing, growing up and recognizing that shit ain't cute. Being angry and all that, that's not cute
people is needed, espec get into these relations second guy I ever loved similar story to yours. W together. We were like rabbits fucking all over [laughs] We watched an video games, got high, h we were both creative. Then towards the end, w triggering each other. T going on in both our liv both came from difficul We didn’t quite have go communication skills e just tried to make it wo it out. What did you rec needed to change?
I had to be single [laugh a point where I kept tryi things work with her an y
single time I would get hurt. After every argument, I'd have panic attacks, and I would get so fucking mad. By this point, I moved in with my dad, and I graduated college. I'm sitting in my bed, angry, shaking. I'm like, 'I don't want to feel like this no more '
I can understand that. After breaking up, I went into a depression. I had little money except to pay bills. School was becoming a place of frustration, and I just felt alone. I smoked a lot of weed and ate all the time. The only time I left my house was to go to work. [laughs] What did you do to gain that sense of self back?
At first, it started off with me doing simple things like taking myself out. I would go to Belle Isle. I would take myself out to dinner, and I would sit and talk to myself. Since I was in middle school, I’ve had these journals, and I started to write in them again I’d write long passages about everything I was feeling, everything that happened When I catch myself still getting so pissed off, I was like, now it’s time to seek professional help. But even doing that, it’s so difficult as a queer person. If I go in there like, ‘yeah, I was in a relationship and my ex-girlfriend…’
I already know where this is going. It can be an ordeal to find a therapist who doesn’t harbor any biases and who knows and has experience working with Black and queer people.
I had one therapist ask me, ‘do you think that your gayness might be related to something?’
[laughs] I get why you’d be pissed while simultaneously understanding the question asked.
It was very difficult to find a therapist that understood. But
once I did, I was talking to her and it was a venting thing for me. If I have to be completely fucking honest, the therapy didn’t help. [laughs]
[laughs] You say that because?
It was just me talking about it with someone who didn’t know me That was the most helpful thing I can’t really tell you anything that she told me that I can live by. I was getting in that bitch like, ‘alright Tee, this what’s going.’ She’s be like, ‘Ooh, Ooh.’ And I’m like, ‘yes girl.’ [laughs]
[laughs] Sounds like you found the right therapist.
That helped me. It was a time of me maturing, growing up, and recognizing that shit ain't cute. Being angry and all that, that's not cute. The more time that I spent alone with myself and figuring out what my passion is, what I like to do, I was able to be calmer Being single and seeing what everybody else is going through, being on the outside looking in, I was able to bring that back to myself and understand that everything's not about me. Sometimes I have to recognize how other people feel, and getting mad solves nothing.
Kudos to you for recognizing that you needed all those things. I had to come to that realization myself. You ask yourself, why am I constantly trippin’? Why do I keep finding myself in these kinds of relationships? That’s what I love about the human experience. I love that moment where people shift, and there’s that growth. During all of this, where is your family? Do they know?
I'm out and about. [laughs] In high school, I came out to my mom and my grandma before she passed away. My mom was like, 'okay.' My
grandma said, ‘bitch, I knew before you knew.’ [laughs]
Grandma! [laughs] She said you had some sugar in yo tank.
They never had to worry about it, is she bout to sneak over to a boy's house They nasty get away from me [laughs] I was a very nerdy, book smart kid Once I had my exgirlfriend, that's when I was able to showcase it. I think coming out, and then social media coming out is different.
There are levels to that whole thing these days.
It was family, then it was friends, and then social media Even still, for some reason people don't know. I think I make it pretty clear. [laughs]
It’s one part, what you said earlier about people commenting that you ain’t had the right dick yet. Another is that you give off this sort of ambiguity. But I feel that’s one purpose of doing something like this. Some of us are flaming gay: peacock feathers and everything. Then there’s us who can hop in that bag and then hop another bag. And everything in between. In some ways, it gives you privilege.
Absolutely And it also allows me to pick my friends very carefully Somebody might slip up and say some homophobic ass shit. I have certain family members who are just like, ‘ya phase over yet?’ [laughs]
‘You still gay girl?’ [laughs]
[laughs] I don’t care I’ve never been like, let me pretend to be straight around this person cause I know they’re religious. No. You’re going to hear about this shit if I talk about it. I’m not about to hide who I am for anybody.
What do you see when you look out at the world?
I feel like there's so many different sides to it. I'm lucky and blessed to have such a wonderfully supportive group around me, and not many people have that When I look at the bullshit that I see on social media, I feel people are so stuck in a box Sometimes I feel at home with the queer community, and sometimes I'd be like, 'do I fit in here?'
That’s funny you say that. That feeling popped back up very recently. When I was talking to this one guy, he got tagged in photos with some of his homies. I looked and said, ‘where do I belong in this photo?’ Maybe I didn’t belong, and that’s okay. But it reminded me of when I was younger, trying to find a niche in the community that accepted me. My sister tells me that I’m useless to her as a gay man. [laughs] It took a while to be comfortable with who I am.
You have some very masculine women and some who are very feminine. And that’s another thing too. I’m a lesbian, but seeing bitches shake their ass doesn’t turn me on. [laughs] Because of the buss it challenge, my male friends will be put the phone in front of my face
You could buss it down too if you wanted. [laughs]
I’m just a regular lesbian. [laughs]
I told myself I’m just a regular guy who happens to be gay back in the day. A piece of that was because I was comparing myself to other queer men. I felt like I was authentically queer in the same ways I wasn’t authentically Black. On the flip side, I ran into a problem where straight men found themselves attracted to me
because I didn’t dress and act like those perceived and embedded queer stereo and archetypes.
The problem that I’ve come across with men is that they always be like, ‘you’re everything that a man could want in a woman ’ I have to have that tough conversation, so I often have to explain that I don’t like penis They can’t grasp that [laughs]
I don’t think many men could. [laughs] Looking back at where you were, who you are, and where you are, what are you most proud about?
I’m most proud of my inner growth and the mental space that I’m in compared to back then, honestly. I always say I felt like I couldn’t get a grip on anything. I felt like my mind was just all over the place. My mind is still all over the place [laughs], but I can read what it’s trying to tell me I’m able to be in happy spaces by myself I had reached a point where I couldn’t do anything without my partner Now, I’m at a point where I could do anything that I wanna do. And if I wanna sit in my house all day and watched TV, I can do that.
And feel empowered by it.
I'm happy being by myself I recognized that having someone does not improve me
That's called growth and maturity. The category is growth.
The thing is, you don't want to get in relationships or friendships with people out of a need for validation. When you enter this union, you want to be as full as possible, so you're not codependent on that person. So, the last question. You talked a little bit about your purpose. Can you go a little deeper?
Hmm. My purpose is to be here. It’s as simple as that. Coming to this planet and saying that this is the reason that I’m living, I feel that’s unfair to you. Your reason for living should be to live, be a good person, treat people the way you want to be treated I feel we’re put on this earth to learn as much as we can about ourselves and to recognize that you’re just supposed to have fun. What did I say on Instagram, ‘I just want to fuck, have friends, and have fun.’ [laughs]
I’m fucking dead. Real hot girl shit. [laughs]
That’s my purpose, and anything else is just the journey to do that Once I’m done in this life, once I feel like I’ve learned everything that I need to learn and I don’t need to come back again, cause we’ve been here several times, and I am completely done, I’m falling into that slumber
That was beautiful. The wrap up was fucking beautiful.
