Kirei In these poems, I call life back to myself.
What I didn't know, and what I hadn't realized was her queerness. Like Tradeil, she appeared in my inbox with questions about the Modern Queer and then revealed that she was, in fact, queer I knew I needed to talk with her
The conversation between her and I was enlightening I knew of Kirei, but I didn't know Crystal, which is her birthname I didn't know of her struggles with family and religion Or the stories that filtered and created her reality I only knew the woman I met in 2015
She has evolved When I think of evolution and what that means, I can safely say Kirei models that. Yes, there are things she's still working out. Yes, even in our conversation, some of the hurt and pain from her past manifests itself. But, if evolution is a journey, then I hope this can serve as one template for what it and freedom can resemble.
That being said, please enjoy Vol 19, featuring Kirei
Xzavier V Simon
Hello love!
Hello, hello!
How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Good. I love your shirt.
Thank you! I love Mickey Mouse! [laughs]
Well I’ll be. It's been years since I've seen you, talked to you. The last time I saw you, you were not this evolved being who is in front of me right now. You were in a very high profile and turbulent relationship with a man. And now you’re queer. Girl what the hell has happened! [laughs]
I had to go through that though I had to go through it to get to where I am now And that's what I'm realizing about the last relationship I was in with the young lady that only lasted like a month or so
That’s funny. I was gonna ask about that. I saw you talked about the relationship on FaceBook. Then I saw a status where I figured ya’ll had broke up. What happened?
She’s bisexual, but she didn't want to publicly say it on Facebook because of who her family is. It was a lot going on that wasn't good. It was a very, ‘I want things done on my terms’ kind of thing. But it was like, I'm grown, and you don't get to tell me what my boundaries are or what they should be or what I have to be okay with.
" I W O R K E D H A R D T O E S T A B L I S H , N O T J U S T W H O I A M , B U T H A V I N G A N U N D E R S T A N D I N G O F W H O I A M . " S E L F R E A L I Z A T I O N S
This sounds spicy. We about to get all the tea. [laughs]
We broke up because we felt like we both rushed it and we did.
Then two questions along the same line. What have you learned about yourself and what have you learned about yourself with regards to relationships?
For myself, not to let anybody define me. I worked hard to establish, not just who I am, but having an understanding of who I am I know I'm bisexual I know that I'm out loud about it I know what I want in a relationship I know what I want in a partner and I know what I've done for myself And, to not to let people project stuff onto me That's a huge thing
That is a huge thing. For me, there are times where I’m hanging around somebody and whatever they are going through, to establish a bond, they will project what they’re feeling and going through onto me. I’ve gotten way better at noticing it and bouncing that shit right back.
As far as a relationship, I know that I'm ready for one. But I know that it has to be with the right person. I have to be willing to give people time to show themselves because words matter to me as an artist and a writer
I agree 100!
I mean what I say and that's what I go by People can easily say that, but everybody don't think the same way. I have to let people prove to me that what they say is what they mean for more than two months. Anybody can show who they are. Anybody can show their best selves.
We're trained to do that. When you think about relationships, job interviews, we are trained to put our best foot forward. Then, once we in the door, we reign it back and pop out of the box with our true self.
Honestly, I realized I settled in that relationship. What it shows me is that one: that had to get out the way so that what I want can present itself. If there is somebody out there who can partially give me what I want, that means there's somebody out there who can give me everything I want. I think that's a part of what I learned too Seeing glimpses of it means that it is out there
When I first started my spiritual journey, a friend of mines introduced us to Abraham Hicks. She and The Law of Attraction was huge back then. It was always you are what you attract. Your vibration. Your situation reminds me of what she used to say. You understand what you don't want, and now you can go craft and recreate what you do want with greater focus.
Yeah. There were things that I wrote out that I wanted in a partner. There's one thing in particular like being posted on social media. I'm a Leo. I like public attention. [laughs]
[laughs] The Leo’s are roaring in solidarity!
I want people to know that you like me I've never had that in relationships If it was happening, it was because I had said something I don't wanna have to ask you to do stuff for me. With her, we were talking
about love languages It’s not about you complimenting me, but I didn't know what she liked about me besides that I'm an over thinker and I talk a lot.
Not only with relationships, but friendships too, we have a tendency to want to know what others see in or think about us. I think that stems from looking to others for validation, but I understand where you’re coming from. There is an aspect of asking, well what do you see? What do you like about me? Depending on how secure we are in ourselves, we even ask, why are you with me or what attracted you to me? I totally understand that. I also know you’re not trying to repeat past trauma and stay in those cycles.
It's the same shit with a different face basically.
Let’s talk about the healing process. This was a person, and these were situations that you spent time in and with. Y'all were laid up. Y'all were intimate physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Now you have these hooks and attachments. Once the relationship is done, what is the process like for you to begin healing? How do you come back bigger, blacker, and stronger? [laughs]
For me, personally, I purge I believe that things carry energy and carry memories I have to be very careful of the things that I allow in my space I physically purge my space, sage it, and light my palo santo I'll meditate and do spiritual baths [laughs] My meditation is not about me trying to shut my mind off or make me not think about something. I can think about whatever the feeling is. I need to feel it, sit with it, let it pass, process it, and when it's time for me to let it go, I can let it go fully.
That’s because you're in that quiet space and can hear. You can have that moment of reflection. You might realize, oh shit! This is hitting me way deeper than I thought. When I meditate, I see the thought or the trigger and trace the lineage of it so I can get to the source, if not close to it.
I think with me, it gives me time to really understand what the feeling is Because it's like, okay, am I angry or am I scared? Am I jealous or am I insecure?
This right here is a perfect example of that. You have the awareness and consciously act. In addition, you have the strength and tenacity to sit and deal with and admit it. When you ask those questions, new feelings arise, and you discover that maybe you are a little insecure about some things. That's a powerful moment within a powerful series of steps to let go and heal.
There was a post that I shared It said, ‘I wake up and I tell myself every day, there's nothing inherently wrong with me I just have patterns to unlearn ’ That's true It's not that in and of myself and I am this super insecure being about all these things. I have allowed myself to think and act in ways all this time. When we broke up, I was trying to figure out what the feeling was, and I could never make it make sense. I wanted to keep calling it heartbreak and it wasn't. I was just hurt. I was hurt bad by somebody who I didn't expect to hurt me. She told me she had feelings for me, but she got with me for the wrong reasons.
Something like that is not heartbreak. It's not your whole world is shattered. It's telling you the truth, or at least the truth in that moment, and being able to speak it. That's not cause for a two week depressive episode. This is exactly what you're doing now or have done. It’s saying I'm hurt. Now, let me go in, meditate, sit, process, and find out what's going on and be okay with it. Switching gears, as a writer, talk to me about the birth of Kirei. When I hear that word, I assume you got this from the Japanese word kirei ( 綺 麗 ) which means beautiful.
Yes, that is exactly where it came from.
Fuck yeah! [laughs] Japanese skills paying off.
It was originally Kireishi ( 綺 麗 詩 ) because shi ( 詩 ) means poetry in Japanese. I was that for a while. I had other stage names that fit in that time, but with this I didn't have to have some deep meaning Honestly, I like the name Kirei for myself It's simple as that The birth of my poetry gosh I've been writing since I was eleven Just having to get stuff out even my sexuality I came out on stage super subtle multiple times.
Wow! Really?
I don't think anybody ever noticed. I would write pieces about the LGBTQ community or say something in a metaphor I wouldn't exactly say, 'this is me coming out ' I was still a bit nervous doing them pieces I would write it and I'd say, ‘Oh my God, what if somebody actually does catch on and they ask me about it ’ It was either I'm going to be cool about this or I'm not
I think that goes back to a common theme from Season 02 where many folks said well fuck it. You come to a moment where you say it’s either or at this point.
I've been opened with people around me. I had openly talked about it, but I could never publicly, like on social media, say something. When I did a couple of years back, I went through the whole process of people saying, 'You think you're [bisexual] because you've been hurt '
Lord help us.
They specifically used my past relationship because it was so toxic Like, I've been attracted to girls since I was six if I really want to be honest
Word?
Everybody who was dating me has known that. I knew that in public spaces, growing up in my household, and with a religious Christian family, I couldn’t just have a girlfriend. I snuck and had them but never publicly.
In the 90s and early 00s, the terminology and how Black folk saw life and expressed themselves was so different. Most of us were not having conversations about homosexuality. It was very much taboo. We said stuff like, 'nigga that’s gay,' but there was a distinction between that and being gay. And, you weren’t gay! You were sweet or had a little sugar in the tank. [laughs]
That’s exactly it The people who were gay and we knew, we weren’t talking about them I have that family member I have a cousin who's gay We’ve known since he was born. He’s still like, ‘how did you know?’ Like we know! [laughs] If nobody else know I know.
Game recognize game. [laughs]
Thank you. I see you family. [laughs] Similarly, when you and I talked, you said you didn't know about me. I know that I'm straight presenting, whatever that means. I don't know what a bisexual person looks like. It's not necessarily you have to cover it up, but it’s going along with the norm. Those two years that I was single, and I wasn't dealing with anybody, I sat with myself. I [realized] I'm more attracted to women than I am men
So, in a sense, self acceptance internally and externally, is all very recent.
" W I T H T H I S I D I D N ' T H A V E T O H A V E S O M E D E E P M E A N I N G . H O N E S T L Y , I L I K E T H E N A M E K I R E I F O R M Y S E L F . I T ' S S I M P L E A S T H A T . "
There was a point in time I never would have said that out loud, even though it's probably always been true for me in the back of my mind I was never going to say it because I'm like, what does that mean?
Exactly! What does this mean.
What does this mean for my sexuality because like I said, I grew up in a Christian household, and I still believe in God. I JUST had a conversation with my mother today. I said, 'I don't want to pray to God for a husband, but is it wrong of me to pray to God for a wife?'
And drop the mic on that one. Now that’s a question to dissect!
I have a relationship with God, but in the back of my mind, I've been told for years and years that who I am is a sin
That’s a lot of our stories. I’m with you.
I believe that God loves me. I don't believe that the God I serve hates me. But do I believe that God loves me enough for me to pray for my future wife? How is that gonna go? [laughs]
Okay! That’s a whole motherfucking process. Like how much do God really love me?
Yeah! Like how much do God really love me? How comfortable am I with this really? [laughs]
I had to release and let go of religion entirely for me to have that moment. Not only religion, but I had to redefine my version of African identity. I had to really search for that shit. But God got a endless bags of jokes!
The same God who loved me also told me I wasn’t gay. Fucked me up. [laughs]
[My mother and I], we talked about it. This was the first real public relationship that I ever spoke with her about. She’d known, but at first, she was like do what you want I don't really care. But I could tell she knew that it was unsettling for me.
How was that conversation with your mother?
When we had this conversation, she was like, ‘well, if you believe that God is love and God loves you, then that means that God loves you regardless of who you are So, why can't you ask God for what you want?’
Yeah. We see you mom.
Right There was a point in time I never thought my mother would ever say anything like that. She still has her stuff that she's not okay with.
She’s evolving herself.
She’s evolving herself. Very slowly, but it's coming together. Nobody else can call her and say, ‘did you know Crystal was bisexual?’ She'll go off. [laughs] But she's working on it. That was the main holdup for me was letting go of my religious beliefs when it came to my sexuality. If I believe that God loves me and the God that I serve gives me what I want, then I can ask the God that I believe in for the wife I want! Like why can’t I?
That's such an incredibly powerful statement to make. To say what you said about God loving you, I'm about to cry. [laughs] I had that moment too. I had to recognize first and foremost that if God, Spirit, the Universe is calling me for this, and for me to be open and transparent about who I am, then that must mean God loves me. That God is looking out for me and only wants the best for me. Not only that, but God created me like this. I'm created this way for a reason, and nobody can take that away.
Yes.
And whatever that reason is, what undergirds that is love. Imma shut up now. [laughs]
That's it That was the point that I had to reach I reached it today with that conversation I never really talked to the Universe about my relationship. What if it's wrong? What if this is a coincidence and it just happened to work out, but it's not really supposed to be for me? I went through all of them thoughts. I believe that God and the Universe love me enough to give me what it believes I deserve. I've had enough of what I don't deserve.
[laughs] How is all of this reflected in your art and your poetry? My life is at the center of my work. What I go through in my relationship with the divine shapes, colors and undergirds everything.
It's the same I can look out and see things and write about them But myself is at the center of my art That's the space that I've been in I'm working on a new project to release this year.
" D O I B E L I E V E T H A T G O D L O V E S M E E N O U G H F O R M E T O P R A Y F O R M Y F U T U R E W I F E ? H O W I S T H A T G O N N A G O ? " C O N V E R S A T I O N S W I T H G O D O N L O V E A N D M A R R I G E . . .
Oh, shit the Modern Queer getting them exclusives ya’ll! [laughs]
I feel like it's time for that It's given me a chance to just be more upfront I'm writing about the kinds of relationships that I want I'm writing about the kind of life that I want to have for myself I'm openly writing about my sexuality in a way that's not glossed over I enjoy metaphors and similes and all of those things. I enjoy putting them in my writing, but I also have to be okay with myself so I can stand on stage and be like, ‘I am a Black, bisexual, cisgender woman, and this is who I am,’ in a poem, as blunt as that, and walk off the stage.
Lemme get them finger snaps ready!
That's where I am. I did that with my last, These Words Live show, when I wrapped up the series I came out publicly on stage there, and it was huge In Indiana, in the scene that I was in, we were everywhere There were queer folks everywhere We had open mics dedicated just to that community It was nothing I said it in Indiana, and I remember the crowd cheered super loud. I said it in Flint, and it was dead silent. I just had to keep talking and say it’s okay. Nobody got up and walked out.
Right. The energy in the room didn't suddenly shift. Going back to a point you made earlier about what you want. You want the opportunity to be expressive about who you love and how you love them. We as Black people say we want to end police brutality. We want our right to live and be free. It’s same for Black queer people.
We don’t want oppressed by the police either. But we also want the freedom to be able to love who we love, show that love, and not be judged, oppressed, and killed by white people or our those that look like us.
That's the thing that's so amazing to me I'm as much Black, as I am a woman, as I am bisexual I'm all these things I can think of. With what's recently been going on, on Twitter I put Black trans lives matter. Someone said, ‘I guess a Black man only matters when he's gay one.’ It’s not the same thing!
Totally not the same thing.
Totally not the same. When have y'all ever said that a Black gay man’s life mattered. Let's just be real here. When did y'all ever say that out loud?
Still waiting for it.
Especially in this time, I really want people to just be okay with themselves This is the time to just be okay with who you are in and of yourself You gotta be grounded Even if you don't say it to nobody else, you have to know for yourself. That's the most solid foundation you can have. Whether it's a friendship or a business partnership or anything like that, nobody else can be your source.
That external validation thing will only get you so far.
I feel that's where a lot of self policing comes in. Like let me tone down my gayness so people don't respond to me a certain way Why do I have to tone down any part of myself? Because it makes you uncomfortable? If it makes you uncomfortable you need to step back
Step back, step out, or step into yourself. When you look at your life growing up, discovering your queerness, having those hard conversations with your mom, discovering your voice in poetry and in writing, who is Crystal today compared to then?
I fully know [who I am] and I'm not trying to figure out a reason for it. When I first came out, there were a lot of things that people put onto me. I was sexually assaulted for the first time when I was seven years old by a much older adult man. That was also around the same time that I personally recognized my queerness
Interesting!
People would tell me, ‘maybe you feel this way because you were sexually assaulted ’ It happened with a female cousin of mine also, who later came out as a lesbian. I'm not trying [anymore] to find a reason for it because there is no reason. It's just who I am. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm having whatever conversation with whoever.
[laughs] I’m learning a lot about you. What can you tell people about the evolution of self? I hate to say this, and I hated it when people told me this a teenager, but it did get better. It didn't get better because of anybody else. That’s the distinction I want to make very clear. It got better because of me. I grew, learned, accepted myself, and evolved.
Yes. And it does gets better when you get better about it because it doesn't matter. Cisgendered people or homophobic people will say it doens't matter who you sleep with, but in the grand scheme of things, in your day to day life, it doesn't. It's so funny.
But in that moment, you mad as hell, and you can’t see pass your own triggers.
That acceptance, that evolution honestly starts with self It's not going to start with anybody else My mother did not get okay with my sexuality until she realized that it wasn't going anywhere When I got into that relationship and I told her about it, I was like this is what it is for me I feel like that was the point where she could accept it. Whoever can’t get with it, then you can’t get with it. The main quote I live by is, 'My job in living is not to make anyone else comfortable. It's to make sure i'm comfortable with myself.' [laughs] [laughs]
But for real! My evolution started with me just being okay with myself one day at a time. There are still things, like the revelation I had a couple of hours before you and I talked, and other parts of me that I'm getting okay with. I think the main thing is, don't be hard on yourself Anything that has ever evolved and changed and grew didn't do it immediately
" T H A T A C C E P T A N C E , T H A T E V O L U T I O N H O N E S T L Y S T A R T S W I T H S E L F . I T ' S N O T G O I N G T O S T A R T W I T H A N Y B O D Y E L S E . "
"I'm
in a space where I have what I say, but I also have what I create. I have what I write down. It comes into fruition in my life."
The evolution of poetry
P O E T R Y K I R E I T H E S E W O R D S L I V E
True words.
We don't plant a seed then immediately be like, okay, where's the fruit? Where's the flower? Where's the tree? We know that's going to take time, and our evolution takes time
When you change your thoughts and belief systems you begin to change your reality.
Yes. It’s saying out loud to myself those things I put in my affirmations. I'm proud of who I am. I am in love with all aspects of me.
On the topic of evolution. Let's talk about evolution as far as you and the written word. One of my favorite quotes is by Erykah Badu when she said, ‘if you really want to see magic, put pen to paper,’ and I'm a firm believer in that.
I started writing to heal I help other people heal that also need it My goal right now is to be a healer There are things that I'm healed from and there are things that I don't have to write about no more
Or if you do, you’re the narrator of your own story. You rewrite it and tell it a different way.
I'm in a space where I have what I say, but I also have what I create. I have what I write down. It comes into fruition in my life. I’m understanding poetry more so that I’m not just creating art. I’m creating my life at this point. I’m creating the energy I’m putting out to give to other people. I’m not just making art to say I’m an artist. I’m not creating for the purpose to say I did it I’m creating for the purpose that I understand why its so important that I write what I write
My final question to you is not really a question. In the beginning, you said you knew what you wanted for your life and for your future wife. Consider this a rampaging moment? What is it that you want?
For myself, stability Genuine happiness I want peace I want consistent peace I have to have stability I have to have peace around me. I have to have joy. I also deal with anxiety and depression so I'm not just saying it to flower positivity on everything. In relationships I want the same thing. I have to have communication. Why? Because that stability for me. I have to have somebody who is loyal to me. Why? Because that's consistency. That is the stability I need. I want somebody who loves as hard as I do because that brings me joy. I deserved to be loved out loud.
I'm going to add to your list. I've seen your spirit and I know your spirit. Plus, you're a part of this magnitude that is called the Modern Queer now so welcome to the family. [laughs] I'm going to add freedom. The freedom to be who you are. The freedom of absolute expression. Freedom to be. Freedom to be expressive however you want to express it. Freedom to write, be in love and do whatever with whomever.
I wish for you to continue to model evolution in your creations, understandings of self and what that journey is and can look like. I wish for you love and happiness and success. Your version of success. Not the American capitalism, parents, and friend’s version and comparing success. I desire success for to you manifest in the way that it supposed to manifest for you and your evolution. Also, for that new 2020 project to drop out of nowhere. [laughs]
You’ll be the first to know.
Look at these exclusives!! Thank you so very much for agreeing to do this. Thank you for sharing your story because before I pressed play you took off. [laughs] Thank you so much for being real, for being honest. Thank you for teaching me and giving me access to your life. I'm sure it's going to surprise, teach and heal other people when they read it. Thank you so much. Keep doing what you do. As a friend would say, you the shit.
Thank you So are you! When this is all over and not chaotic no more, we need to link.
Then we'll make plans soon! Much love to you.
KIREI THE MODERN QUEER V O L . 1 9 | J U L Y 2 0 2 0 P U B L I S H E D I N F L I N T , M I C H I G A N
