“Libertarianism Thrives Under My Grow Light” VOL. 3, No. 1
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22
thelocalnoodle.com
Construction of Mass Grave on Battell Beach stalled as Coronavirus Cases Remain Low
Though the ditch is now filled, Laurie Patton assured the Campus in an interview yesterday that she could singlehandedly recreate it at a moment’s notice.
Exxon Internships Looking For Students with “Strong Cognitive Dissonance Skills”
With the winter internship application season in full swing, Exxon has started promoting their application at Middlebury — looking for candidates with “strong cognitive dissonance skills.” The application requires a cover letter, resume, interview, and zero tolerance for “third world problems.” In the interviews with applicants, Exxon is looking for well-composed students who have perfected the nonchalant assertive gesture: push back their chair, cross their legs, and gaze into their personal pit of sociopathic tendencies. Bern N. Hjel, one of the recruiters for this program, stated: “On our quest to find the brightest minds with the darkest futures, we decided to start here at Middlebury.”
“We figured that there was a pretty good chance of Middlebury students wanting to come work for us. Considering this campus already thrives on a facade of eco-friendliness, this is a perfect breeding ground for the next generation of Earth’s perverted mutilators!” Exxon recruiters want to make it very clear that they are looking at a wide variety of candidates for this position. Following public backlash, the company has instituted a new policy that at least one female or low income person must be considered for the role, but not both. The application closes once all of the positions have been filled, because a rolling admission policy best reflects how Exxon plans to roll over the hopes, dreams, and healthy bodies of marginalized people all over the world.
As Middlebury finishes its seventh week of classes without a single active case of COVID-19 on campus, President Laurie Patton has asked workers to temporarily halt construction of the mass grave being built on Battell Beach. The grave––which was designed to hold up to 300 of Middlebury’s best and brightest pupils for the rest of eternity–– was originally approved back in April 2020 as the administration prepared to invite students back to campus in the fall. This opportune timing allowed the Admissions Office to take the impending tragedy in stride and send out a few hundred more acceptance letters to the Class of 2024. Despite the construction, few students seemed to realize the true purpose of the giant ditch in the middle of Battell Beach. “I assumed they were just fixing pipes or something, but planning to sacrifice a few hundred students so the rest of us could pay full tuition and room and board to take online classes actually makes way more sense,” said Jimmy Jones ‘22. The construction project was easily approved by the Board of Trustees, whose members seemed almost too eager for students to die. “What do you want me to say?” said board member Bobby Vanderbilt while sweating profusely. “That anyone who doesn’t want us investing in big oil probably deserves to suffer an untimely death and be laid to rest in a massive pit on Battell Beach? Is that what you want to hear?” A number of first-year students reported that Patton seemed to allude to plans for the grave in her convocation speech, which began, “I respect every student, from every country, who serves beside us in the hard work of history. Middlebury is grateful, and Middlebury will not forget. From the dust you came, and to dust you will ultimately return.” Patton now acknowledges that the mass grave was a bit of a miscalculation. “Of course we don’t want our students to die. It’s great that no one’s dead. It’s just that now we have this giant ditch and nothing to fill it with and it’s kind of like, ‘Well, back to the drawing board.’”
ITALIAN HOUSE SPONSORSHIP GIVES STUDENT AN OFFER HE CANT REFUSE
“GREETINGS, FATHER!” SAYS TINY PUBSAFE OFFICER TO LARGER ONE
“LET’S GO TO HANNAFORD’S” SAYS BITCH WITH A CAR
“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”
“Just when I thought I was big, they make me small.”
“We’re buying mochi and onion powder.”
FUHGEDDABOUTIT, PAGE DICIOTTO
AISLES 3 AND 10
FAMILY, PAGE 1312 TINY DESK CONCERT FOR BELL GUY “This next one is called: ‘DING DING DING ding DING ding dong ding díng.” DESKS, PAGE 50
STUDENT LOOKS VERY CHIC AFTER DEVELOPING HUGE PIMPLE IN MARILYN MONROE SPOT
BENJY RENTON WAVES FAREWELL, RIDES BIKE INTO THE SKY
“You look incredible!” says their friend.
“I’ve done all I can do!”
BEAUTY, PAGE 12
MIDDLEBURY HEROES, PAGE N95