MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT ·DECEMBER 2023
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MiddLaw Hosts Bar Night for Losers To combat the allure It’s a debilitating and selfof Notte on a Thursday imposed condition that has night—the pregame which severely affected my social has distracted many skills and ability to relate a freshly twenty-one with other people, but I’m MiddLaw member from banking on it giving me an attending meetings— and edge during my LSAT.” to condition its socially Bar Night for Losers, or inept underclassmen, the Middlebury Law Club Middlebury Law Club has Social Event, as it appears unveiled plans to host their on Presence, will be held own bar night. The one weekly on Thursdays in the drawback? It’s for losers. Gifford classroom. Some “Honestly, I hope of the events that “party”the best for them,” says goers can expect include: resident cool-guy Beer two dudes being ass at Pongtable ‘23.5, “It’s flip cup, a girl who wears always hard to take the first glasses reading in a corner, step into having fun, and and lively conversation most of these kids look like about graduate school they’ve never relaxed a day possibilities with a firstin their entire lives.” semester student who “He’s actually has never had to work for somewhat right,” anything in their entire life. interjected MiddLaw Vice Subjects discussed will be President Floscar Bleet the art of drinking like a ‘24 after overhearing lawyer (but not in a Brett Pongtable’s comment. “I’ve Kavanaugh way) and the continuously tensed every utility of incredibly earnest single muscle in my body premature bar exam prep. for the past 6 years straight.
CASSIE ELISH
Editor-in-Chief
ANDY CAO
Yapanese
OSCAR FLEET Tyrant, Rising
EMMA TZOTSCHEW Verbose
CECE CALDWELL Cabrona
AK PELLETIER Short Sir Century
SKY ROBERTS-SALVADOR Miami Lice
GRIFF CLINTON Oscillating
CAROLINE HARDING Perplexed
LUCAS FLEMMING ELE
JACOB COLLIER Mewbob Squaremaxing SOFIA SUTTER The Strength of the Hill CESCA MEDEIROS Sigma Female
JIM REILY Dumb Blond
OLIVIA CHEN Flamingo lawn ornament
GINGER HANLON Soo sleepy
LUNA MCNEFF YEE Coming Soon
THEO MCDONOUGH Sheep for wheat?
JACK COLGATE Shaman
MANDY FOURS Booted
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Midlebury to Burn Five Million Dollar Mental Health Donation
Shaken from their for all donations over dormancy after months of $1 million,” confidently receiving single-digit Proud remarked Pincher, “that is To Be a Panther donations, to say, not a lot of caution the board of trustees and calculation at all. It took spent the past weekend about three minutes to reach deciding how best to spend a conclusion.” an anonymous donor’s “We’ll be burning the generous $5 million gift. money, yeah,” Impty After many lively debates Words, Middlebury’s and only a few arbitrating Press Secretary, interjected, games of rock-paperfinally unveiling the fate scissors, it was decided of the donation. “We that the donation would be briefly considered hiring allocated to mental health. more mental health “Since we just allocated counselors from more 1.3 million to building a diverse backgrounds, but Desert Sun Tanning Salon then we were like, what for the athletes in the AC if we just literally fucking and 15 bucks to a box of burned the money instead? Crayolas for Johnson, we Temperature is so key to struggled to come up with mental health, and a bonfire an impactful usage of the of five million dollars in gift,’’ said board member cash should keep the whole Penny Pincher ‘44. “But student body toasty for at then we looked at the fine least, like, thirty minutes.” print and realized we were Student response to the contractually obligated to administration’s decision spend it on student mental has been vitriolic, but for health, and that was that.” this, too, the administration Once the usage of the has come up with a donation had been decided, solution. “We can’t hear it was up to the board their protests and outrage and administration to over the sound of this determine what, specifically, crackling fire,” Words would be done to improve said while roasting a mental health services. marshmallow over the “The board debated with flames. “I think this was our the requisite caution and best decision in years.” calculation we reserve
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
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Ross Dining Institutes “Hunt and Gather Thursdays”
Last Tuesday, Middlebury College dining services announced that, due to budget cuts, they would be implementing “Hunt and Gather” Thursdays as opposed to offering hot food options for lunch and dinner. “Think of it like Taco Tuesday,” said head of Dining Services Hank “Homestead” Hatchet. “We want students to take advantage of the bounty that Vermont has to offer, whether that be by foraging in the woods for mysterious mushrooms or leading a farmer’s cow astray.” Hatchet believes that these new changes will help students get more in touch with nature – by experiencing natural selection for the first time. “It’s really about survival of the fittest,” Hatchet continued. “Who will take the initiative to form a rudimentary deer trap? Who will use their climbing skills to deftly collect honey from the hive without getting attacked by a swarm of bees? Who will
be able to walk to Proctor to get dinner there instead for once?” The announcement has had a surprising amount of support from self proclaimed ‘alpha males.’ “It’s time for these crunchy assholes to put their money where their mouth is,” one selfidentified carnivore said. “There’s nothing more organic than me mauling a few chickens behind Stewart Hall, and they need to realize that.” Others were not so enthused. “Plants and animals are dirty and I don’t want to touch them,” Madison Avenues, a sophomore from New York City with a deathly grass allergy, said. “So gross.” Only members of Weybridge house appeared nonplussed. “This changes nothing,” the President, Sam “Let ‘Em Cook” Saunders told the Noodle. “We already forage for every meal. I mean, that’s what Weybridge dinner is – just a bunch of stuff pulled up from the ground.”
Conflict Studies Major Steals $50,000 Worth of Bikes Independent scholar look at bugs, or something. specializing in conflict And if you study conflict transformation Lemme Pilfer transformation, you’ve got to ‘24 was found guilty last see for yourself what conflict Tuesday of stealing $50,000 means. I can read about worth of bikes. CONFLICT all I want, but In class, Pilfer learned growing up in an affluent the value of conflict Maryland suburb, I never got transformation and to feel that adrenaline, that restorative practices in rush, you know? war-torn regions. Outside of Pilfer definitely did class, he practiced his own learn. He now faces conflict transformation by serious consequences for transforming the bike shop his actions; two hours of from a haven of well-lubed community service at the morality to a den of knavery local elementary school and and vice. three hours of “restorative When asked about the justice circles.” Despite the irony of his crime, Pilfer charges, Pilfer maintains responded, “See, I like to his innocence. “I would’ve take a holistic approach returned the bikes eventually. to learning. If you study It was just scientific curiosity! chemistry, you go into the I guess you’re not allowed to lab and work with chemicals. express too much interest in If you study conservation, the subject you’re studying you go into the field to these days.”
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
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Berlinification of Freeman International Center Sends Shock Waves Through Campus Community
The FIC has seemed increasingly Germanic recently. Following years of lowly attended strudel nights, While some have criticized das Bünker for being an yodeling karaoke, and lederhosen pageants, Middlebury’s exclusive space, accessible to only the freaks, Geebs German department has taken a new approach to (German weebs), hot goth doms, lost spin-hopeful garnering the campus’s attention. Repurposing the brutalist freshmen, and the molly economy, insiders say these critics architecture of the Cold War era, the Freeman International are eifersuchtig and are simply not cool enough to get in. Center (FIC) has undergone a full-fledged ‘Berlinification.’ More socially conscious criticism has cried gentrification, Once a space that hosted German and Russian classes citing a displacement of the academic departments and by day and spin classes by night, the new FIC blossoms indie bands once housed in the Soviet-eqsue concrete into das Bünker come nightfall, attracting a line of over two monstrosity. While indie bands have left, the academic hundred students that wraps around BiHall several times. departments have stayed to operate between 12pm and Although initially difficult to determine who exactly was 2:30 pm, when das Bünker takes a midday cigarette and behind the Berlinification of the FIC and redevelopment chocolate break. of das Bünker, Tyler “Gunther in das Bünker’ Smith ‘25, When asked about the social implications of president of the German Haus, revealed that the initiative redevelopment and displacement, Smith said, “it’s not was the brainchild of the German department, Student gentrification, it’s Berlinification, which in this instance is Bouncers of Middlebury, and WRMC’s clout chasing the cool gentrification found only among a deep techno executive board. “Und ich,” Smith added. beat and plenty of dog collars.”
FRIEND OF RED DOT ACTUALLY COLORBLIND, page RGB
INVISIBLE HAND OF FREE MARKET GIVES GREAT HAND JOBS, page 800813
“DON’T BE A HERO,” SHIFTY STUDENT SAYS TO ROSS DINING EMPLOYEE, page 3.5
3 OUT OF 10 TOWNHOUSES ENACT SHARIA LAW, page youthought
REPORT: YOUR FRIENDS ALSO CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO GO ABROAD, page 12C
SQUASH TEAM MAKES SOME GREAT (IF UNCONVENTIONAL) SPAGHETTI, cooking section
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
Op-Ed: Middlebury Cancel Culture Pluralism Intellectual. But Freedom Pluralism Middlebury Woke? In recent years, pluralism cancel culture campus intellectual. Curiosity campus discussion free speech, but WOKE MOB free speech campus Middlebury Middlebury pluralism. Free debate cancel culture Middlebury free speech? Cancel culture Middlebury GENDER Middlebury intellectual freedom open discussion. Middlebury conformist academic Middlebury intellectual freedom culture. Call outs twitter free speech callout culture free speech free speech cancel culture woke intimidation Dr Jordan Peterson.
Diversity equity inclusion free speech. Free expression discourse PRONOUNS free speech cancel culture. Censorship ideology pluralism? Feminism woke mob. Political correctness woke!! Free speech dogma racism anti racism. Censorship ideology censorship free speech the Our Democracy. Intolerance CRITICAL RACE THEORY. The our democracy pluralism political correctness free speech. Civic education leadership engagement marketplace invisible hand of ideas. Cancel culture. I’m 5’3 btw.
The Middlebury Reserve Officers’ Training Corps is always recruiting... always.
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Special Report: Um, Uh, Gifford Red Light District?
BY ANONYMOUS STAFF WRITER
Ummm uhhh yea so and take turns pegging softummmm… like, fuck, alright, gorp male ass. Well, so what ummm, you got this, uhhhhh if our leather ladies get there like, ok, so, hear me out, right, but instead of there being uhhhh, like, so what if we sub-boys to punish, there’s had this idea for an article or just some cute femboys and something where there was they’re like, “What is this? like, uhhh, fuck, ummmm, Was this a ruse?” And the like a red light district in the femboys are like, “No, no, basement of Giff, right? But we’re just here to listen to you like, it’s all Submissive Dudes, and be there for you, we heard like real Micheal Cera types you all had some things that in gimp suits and ropes and were bothering you,” and the it’s, like, super dark and red femboys are like therapists in there. These dudes are, or something and just listen like, really skinny and only to the group of peg-thirsty talk when you tell them to, ladies and like they don’t right, and, like, only breathe even say “Yes Mistress” or when you tell them “it’s all anything, they just, like, hear good, bro, take a breath,” and them out and are really good they’re like all quiet ‘cause listeners and the scary dom they got the dog muzzles on ladies soften up a bit since but its like, “Wow, still though, it’s been a really long time how are they staying so quiet since anybody ever listened with the nipple clamps on?” to them like that, like really but that’s just kind of like the listened, and after an hour or gig, you know, they’re like so they look around at each professionals under the red other and all their ball gags light. Uhhhhhh, yea, well and paddles and the sparkle anyway so what if all the that used to be there just isn’t Sadomasochistic Dominatrix quite sparkling the same, and girls on campus were like they all kind of agree and say, “C’mon ladies, let’s put on our “Hey, I guess we aren’t really stiletto heels and go out for a so into the whole sado-sexual ball stomp! I hear Giff’s got thing we’ve got going after nuts a-plenty under the red all”.........Ummmm, and, like, light!” And, uhh, like, they get uhhh, who knew that all they all dressed up in their leather really wanted was a chat? And and they pocket their whips so on the weekends now the and remote controlled booty ladies just, like, uhhh, read plugs and stuff their leashes Aldous Huxley books or, like, and whips and collars and uhhh, get into throwing clay all that stuff in their tasteful or something and, like, all leather-lady bags and head out the cocks and balls stay unto the basement of Giff to pop tortured. Would that be a sick and stiletto-stomp nutsacks article?
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
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This semester has seen the revival of Middlebury’s premier arts and literature magazine, Blackbird. Unfortunately, the revival came after the SAO funding period, and the magazine is bankrupt. As a service to our fellow intrpeid writers and artists, we have given them a page of The Noodle to facilitate their creative expression. Below are some poems from Middlebury’s finest: Flower Poem Roses are red, violets are queer Caught up in your headlights, Straight up like a deer Deadass my sorrow weeps You’re bi and I loved that Your hearts not mine for keeps Nowhere to leap Nowhere to go The darkness billows Out, endless and long It reminds my of my penis - Anonymous
The Great Datsby Winking, blinking, blinky—green light, singular promise to burn the dull, unenchanted life of enchanted objects. Breath, blinky, matte promise of nothing beyond the blue edge of the couch save for all I can see of the present and its orgastic future. Turn now, and I cannot move. Chained to breath and binky we breathe on, against the current, borne back without rave. The green light silent winks twice; A pen this month dead thrice. Multipacks, a toss of dice, one day more a slave to green devil vice. - Dap Penne
My Chick My chick bad My chick hood My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could No time for games She’s full grown My chick bad tell your chick to go home - Luda A. Chris
The Troll Over yonder sits the bridge of Hull Across the river Bynce. Under the bridge lurks a grumpy troll; The name of the troll is Vince. Vince is known far and wide, But known for a different reason. From the mountain heights to the ebbing tide, People call him “Five Season.” Five seasons ago, in late September. As the hot, humid summer turned mild. Vince the troll, as we remember, Inappropriately touched a child. - Weir Do
My Campus Awe Morning crows outside my window; caw caw. Tool in the construction site; saw saw. Frost after the sunrise; thaw thaw. Right next to the pickles; slaw slaw. Professor Dry’s poli sci class; constitutional law constitutional law. Proc chicken, and my love; raw. raw. - Gilbert Schlaudenschlauger
VOLUME VI, no. 4
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
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Improv Group Brings Fake Gun to Fake Knife Fight On Tuesday, the need to go one step Middlebury’s two improv further and show up with groups, the Otters and little finger guns.” Middlebrow, faced off in a When asked why the vicious battle for delusional two groups had to fight in supremacy. However, the the first place, Ring Master fight took a rough turn ‘23.5, leader of the Otters, when the Otters showed replied: “There simply up with imaginary knives, isn’t room for two improv only to discover that groups on campus, much Middlebrow had brought like there isn’t a lot of room imaginary guns. in this glass box that I’m in “I was ready to get right now.” He then mimed into the heady thick of being in a glass box. “See? battle and show these It’s all about defining the losers who’s boss,” space around you. I bet you Otters member Simon really thought I was in a Makesupalot ‘25 told glass box.” the Noodle. “I had just No injuries were unsheathed my imaginary reported. However, many knife when I saw Joe members of both groups Dingus from Middlebrow have been seen walking pointing his fingers at me. around with fake limps As soon as he said ‘pew and “kind of twisted” pew pew,’ I knew it was fingers. Said Makesupalot, over. It was just so unfair.” “Just because it’s all in my “Listen,” Middlebrow head doesn’t mean that president Eye Twitch said, it isn’t real. I’m all about “Improv is all about saying committing to the bit, even ‘yes and.’ That’s why, if that means walking with when the Otters told us a limp for the rest of my they would show up with life.” imaginary knives, we felt
The Otters and Middlebrow’s pretend fight was one for the improvisational ages.
Rugby Coach Requires “Art of Anatomy” Enrollment During course registration, that one pretty good KDR studio art majors were party. I mean, I’ve never had a shocked to find that all figure better season.” drawing classes were fully It now seems clear that booked. Further investigation the rugby players have never revealed that the young men seen a nude woman, resulting of Middlebury Club Rugby in catastrophic loses both had filled every seat. With on and off the field. Coach many wannabe banksys told us he discovered the displaced, the Noodle succulent class offerings of interviewed Divor Say, head the arts department after he coach of the rugby team, to first learned to read earlier figure out why. this year. Many thought he “These boys are just such had lost his mind when he fucking losers,” Divor Say was heard wandering around said. “They’ve never seen a Johnson Memorial building pair of tits.” reading course descriptions “Actually I have, and mumbling “Boobs, big coach!” an oddly bulky boy boobs, big big big boobies” interrupted while crawling late one night, but others out from under the coaches’ see it as a creative spark of desk. “Remember I told genius, and breakthrough for you about how things were the future of the club sports rough this year, but parents’ next season. In other news, weekend gave me a big boost? the Studio Art Department My friend’s mom got a little has had to raise the minimum too comfortable around the wage for nude models up to team and I got a glimpse a whopping $100 an hour, of her honking knockers. It to put up with a player they really fueled me through these identified as “Crazy Eyes three months of devastating Rupert.” losses, total depression, and
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · DECEMBER 2023
ANSWER: PENISES HUMOROUS WEALTHY OVULATED WE-LOVE-YOU
VOLUME VI, no. 4
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