VOLUME VI, no. 3
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 2023
@thelocalnoodle
Middlebury Panther Pals Energy 2028 Initiative Recommends Breathing Less Program Leads to Carnage Last week, Middlebury’s dioxide were released into Office of Sustainability Earth’s atmosphere after announced a new method of “that bitch Melissa told attaining carbon neutrality: everyone that I blacked out less breathing. The campaign at Middle S last weekend.” is fronted by Envira Libral added, “I mean, Mentlist ‘24, who told the just think about the polar Noodle that, “according to bears. With every piece of a survey I conducted, the malicious gossip you spread, average human releases it’s like you’re singleclose to 476.9 bajillion tons handedly executing a family of carbon dioxide a day of humble, God-fearing simply by breathing. We’ve polar bears by firing squad.” got to put a stop to that.” Another campaign Mentlist cites the main initiative encourages goal of the campaign as students with allergies to “getting people to exhale at expose themselves mildly altogether lower rates, for to their respective allergen. the greater good.” As she “If we can get students climbed into her 2022 Jeep to mount just enough of Wrangler, she admonished a reaction to go into mild her interviewers: “Students anaphylaxis, their heart rates here are wheezing, and airways will shrink panting, planet-destroying by 30%. Just think of the machines, glutting every emissions decrease– that’s un-sustainable cell in their the breathing rate equivalent corpulent bodies with to un-drinking, like, 40 precious oxygen – it’s really cups of illegally harvested quite selfish.” palm oil!” enthusiastically This new initiative proclaimed White-Libral, followed Middlebury’s who then promptly ended stagnated progress towards our interview. “Sorry, I’ve their Energy2028 goals, a gotta run — SGA is having failure attributed to Crude a rainforest logging contest Oil Burning Club and that I’m judging. Serving Cattle Raising Club’s recent on the student senate is mixer. The campaign also so fulfilling! Anyway, we advises students to limit estimate that my efforts their discussion of things alone in this campaign that “don’t fucking involve will bring rising sea levels them.” As an example, back down by at least Energy 2028 student liason a foot, conservatively. Ima White-Libral claimed Environmental policy career, that twenty gallons of carbon here I come!”
Beau Tician ‘23 triumphs during recess at Mary Hogan.
MARY HOGAN ELEMENTARY – Following the recent reinstatement of the Middlebury Recess Pals program, the Local Noodle caught up with Beau Tician ‘23, “Panther Pal” and Left Bench for Middlebury Football, as he prepared to lead the children through a football game. “For nine Saturdays in the fall, I ride pine like the subway,” Beau said. “Hand me my spankin’ new, never used gamepads – it’s time to wreck these third and fourth graders’ shit. These Vermont nerds won’t know what hit ‘em.” When asked if this attire was “necessary” or “even allowed” he simply sniffed something off of his key chain and ran into the game, subbing out who he referred to as his “loser community friend who’s in the program for a reason.” Middlebury College has long partnered with Mary Hogan Elementary School to give local seven and eight year olds college friends at recess. However, standing on the sidelines and taking
in the instant carnage, third grade teacher Ms. Johnson compared the football game to “a Discovery Channel episode where the hyena massacres a pack of gazelles – if the hyena was just an extremely averagely built white man.” As Beau scored his 56th touchdown, one could not help but notice the 21-childdeep pileup in the endzone, all covered in grass and blood. Watching Beau moonwalk to his 57th touchdown, one Mary Hogan student standing on the sidelines started to tear up and said he felt like he had “Wearned about dis in social studies when we learned about Chwistopher Cowumbus” adding “dis is indiscwiminate killing.” When the ambulance arrived, twins Mikey and Charlie, linebackers who had been playing in cargo shorts and sketchers, were diagnosed with CTE on the spot. Beau, when asked to comment on his actions, simply responded: “Me regret nothing — Winning isn’t the most important thing; it’s the only thing.”
VOLUME VI, no. 3
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 2023
@thelocalnoodle
Run-In Between Hunting Club and Acting Seminar Ends in Disaster Theater 101’s Becoming and make us look guilty. the Animal seminar I’m just glad that we were suffered a catastrophic dragging the armaments blow on Friday after in a little red wagon, accidentally intercepting otherwise we would’ve Middlebury’s lesser known looked really imposing.” Hunting Club. In an Club secretary Ba Lystics attempt to reinstate their ‘26 was one of the few position at the top of the who could manage to lift campus food chain after a and fire a bow and arrow history of negative PR, the with his skinny, shaking, Middlebury Hunting Club little boy arms. “That was launched an expansive deer actually the first target I’ve hunt. In an unexpected hit!” he exclaimed, “Just coincidence, theater like my political hero, Dick students found themselves Cheney, I too accidentally in the right place at the hit a ‘deer’ classmate in wrong time: on all fours, the face. Get it? Write that on the TAM, attempting to down.” complete their midterm. Victims of the incident “When we set out to were not quite as positive, hunt on Friday,” began though many did cite the hunting club president traumatic incident as a Amy Nition ‘24, “we had brilliant case of method no idea that a bunch of acting. theater kids would be in “Something came over stunningly realistic deer me when I put on that onesies, bleating around deer onesie,” said Henry the woods of the Green Whitetailington, the injured Mountain State.” method actor in question. Fortunately, all injuries “Suddenly, I was a doewere minor, as few in eyed, hunky little helpless the club had the strength Bambi fuck, you know? to operate the bows and There was something so arrows donated by The freeing in living only with Merchant of Death, famed the animal instincts I have arms dealer and friend of always felt but never paid the College. attention to until now. I was “Just when we wanted majestic, mystical even, so to separate ourselves from vulnerable yet so strong. the vintage y2k fashion I would do anything to bitches with their depop feel the thrill of that arrow camo jackets,” says Nition, gently grazing my cheek “some theater freaks start as I galloped away, tail gallivanting through our ablow.” fields, deliberately place themselves in our way
Middlebury Panther Poppers will soon be on sale at MiddExpress.
Special Report: Umm, Yeah, Umm, Uhh, Wait, Umm, Gimme a Sec, Wait Ummm By NOODLE STAFF WRITER Yeah, ummm, uhhh, the and says “Whoops-Tea fuckin… yeah. You know. Daisy,” and um… The thing, ummm uhhh …. I Or what if it was like a mean, you know! The, uhhhh more elevated and smart ummmm… article where we critique So, I think I heard recently social roles through the Tea that uh at Middlebury Club or something; like we College there’s this new have an article or something super funny thing that I had where it’s like “Middlebury a great article idea for and Tea Club Part of the 1%, but I pitched it at our meeting the People Who Drink it and everyone told me I had With Their Pinky Fingers Up to write about it for this Definitely Are.” I think that article and I was like “yeah would be super funny and of course I will no sweat we could probably get one beast,” and so here I am but of the funnier people on the I forgot some of it but I think Noodle to write it because I still got it. I’m pretty sure I’m having a little trouble involved making fun of some with this article as it is right club I think, it was definitely now. the Sailing Club… Or was Or what if we hit the lowit the Tea Club? Shit it was hanging fruit aisle and wrote totally the Tea Club… so like about some dumbass football imagine there’s this dude at player-type guy who looks the Tea Club meeting hours like his mom was a mouth or whatever, and he… uh… breather throughout her he spills his tea or something pregnancy.
VOLUME VI, no. 3
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 2023
Noodle to Never Say Anything Ever About About Anything Ever Again Following the backlash have decided – unlike to the previous edition us – to care about The of The Local Noodle, Issues™ and have been we have decided to take trying to Find Solutions™, accountability for our we acknowledge that we actions and never ever should never make fun of make jokes about anybody their heroism and bravery. or anything ever again. Since nobody has ever Many PHARISEES, made a mistake in pursuit PRIESTLY of a righteous cause, PHILOSOPHIZERS, and proclaiming one’s and MORALIZING adherence to such a cause BRAHMINS have elevates one above mere complained to us about mortals, we promise to the content of our articles. never criticize anybody We’d like to take this holding The Correct opportunity to sincerely Opinions™ ever again. repent for ever criticizing Scratch that, why stop any well intentioned there; since joking about person for anything, since, people makes them feel bad as we all know, having the and feeling bad is the worst right opinions and attitudes thing in the world, we will makes one entirely immune stop doing that too. From from reproach, satirization, now on we will exclusively criticism or mockery. publish impact font memes Given that so many heroic about cats. people on this campus
CASSIE ELISH
Editor-in-Chief
ANDY CAO
New Student Advocacy Group Formed: BONER
As the nation’s economy continues to grind millions of workers into the dust, belch pollution into the sky and pour effluent into the rivers, a group of Middlebury students decided to take matters into their own hands. They have established a new student advocacy group; Brightening Our National Economic Reality, or “BONER” for short. “Middlebury has never had a BONER. And I think that’s just what the world needs right now. More BONERs, one at every college – hell, two, three, four, the sky’s the limit,” said Latengo Dura ‘24, the group’s president. When asked how BONER planned to address the systemic crisis of world civilization from the confines of a mediocre liberal arts college, Dura nodded sagely and said something about “systemic change” before cutting our interview short so he could make it to his Goldman Sachs superday on time. Mike Hawk, ‘25, had
more to say. “We need to take on these girthy subjects,” said Hawk. “People are scared to talk about these things,” he explained, lying. “The political and economic state of the world right now, you know, it’s just so … such a big issue. But we need to stop circumcising – I mean circumscribing – our discussion of these topics.” “Right now, the US economy is a grower. 100%, I can’t dispute that. It grows. 2% a year. But it’s not a shower. It doesn’t show working people that it’s working for them. It just pumps money into holes – like FTX and Silicon Valley – while pushing ordinary people to the edge,” added Professor Erik Shun, the club’s faculty advisor. When reached for comment, President Laurie Patton expressed cautious support for the group. “I’m optimistic about BONER’s prospects at Middlebury. I just hope it doesn’t end up like Cultural Unity for National Triumph did last year.”
Househusband
EMMA TZOTSCHEW Trad Wife
OSCAR FLEET Shibboleth
CAROLINE HARDING
AK PELLETIER Jorkin It
Lost
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SKY ROBERTS-SALVADOR Miami Lice GRIFF CLINTON
Pickle Chip
CECE CALDWELL Gyattwater
LUCAS FLEMMING ELE
JACOB COLLIER Osama Bin Bear Den
SOFIA SUTTER The Strength of the Hill
CESCA MEDEIROS Sigma Female
JIM REILY Dumb Blond
OLIVIA CHEN Quadrupedal
GINGER HANLON Off-Putting
LUNA MCNEFF YEE Lost at Sea
THEO MCDONOUGH I am Cornholio
JACK COLGATE Chop Merchant
MANDY FOURS Booted
Middlebury’s only news source. Since 1800.
BONER’s proposed logo hits just the right spot.
VOLUME VI, no. 3
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 2023
@thelocalnoodle
Op-Ed: Why There’s Nothing Good About a Group of White People Singing Nostalgia-Pop in Axinn at 11:30pm on October 10, 2023
The following was room leaking white, cheery submitted to the Noodle’s song into the air beyond. At editorial board by an affected the locking of each other’s Axinngoer on October 11th, gaze, their eyes cry together 2023 at 12:03AM. in affirmation, “You’re “You look so perfect white, and so am I! Oh, standing there,” they chant happy day!” But there’s through the halls of Starr something else in that Library, “in my American milky spray, a vague threat Apparel Underwear…” which dances whiteley All at once, upwards to those ears which lie of 30 whites relish in beyond the creamy white a shared memory, the chamber. “Disagree with youthful yearning for a us,” it whispers, “if you white partner with which dare.” And so there we sit, to share a self-gratifying those ears and eyes outside white love. “We all had the the white pressure cooker, same childhood,” you can listening as whiteness imagine them saying to one masturbates to the thought another at one silly little of whiteness. How to Train white’s suggestion that the Your Dragon gives way ensemble move, next, to to Paul Walker, “Will I see “Payphone,” “I’m tryna call you again?” Thirty-plus home!” Oh, the joy at the white throats harmonize thought of a white Adam in unison, undaunted, Levine! Laughs bubble haunted by nothing but the from the hickory doors specter of white-on-white bottling in the mounting betrayal. We all had silly pleasure of these whites. band collections back then. The honky fever is so La La Land was a work of palpable you could juice goddamn art. “What do it. The boiling protosexual you mean,” they say, “by flow of white energy ‘it wasn’t better when we quakes the bottle bottling didn’t feel so guilty and it. Will it shatter? White white for being so… well… comfort can’t be contained! white’?” Let them carry It sprays through the seams white on, we say. But at of the bottle cap, the doors what white cost? and windows of the old
Come to townhouses to drink wine like a man, unhindered by the female gaze.
Upon closer examination, the Proud to be a Panther Challenge appears to be a secret furry competition.
Call Me By His Name: My Girlfriend is Dating Me Because I Look Like Her Cousin It’s every guy’s worst cousin has a WAY bigger … nightmare – having your nose.” significant other call you by But the truth came out some other name, intercoitus. late last Saturday, when It’s even worse when the McCuhzin, in the throes of holder of that name shares passion, accidentally let the 12.5% of her genome. cards fall out of her sleeve, Unfortunately, exactly this and called out the name of her sort of incident is now on cousin instead of Victim’s. the verge of unraveling the Although she tried to once-promising, month-and-a- assure her shocked boyfriend half-long relationship between that he had simply misheard, Heeza Victim, ‘27, and Aymfa he was having none of it. Kin McCuhzin, ‘23.5. “Nothing kills your boner like Many have remarked on the realizing you’re simply a prop striking resemblance between in your partner’s elaborate Victim and his girlfriend’s first incest fantasy,” he said later. cousin. When confronted by “Really gives “Freudian slip” concerned friends earlier in a whole new meaning,” he the week, McCuhzin defended added, before we assured him herself; “So what if they that that was exactly what both have the same full lips, “Freudian slip” meant. powerfully pulsating biceps, Later, however, mutual striking green eyes, curly friend Whit Ness ‘25, brown hair flowing down a expressed a measure of tanned and muscular back – in relief at the break-up. a classy way, not a hippy way “Thanksgiving would’ve – so what? I mean, it’s just a been awwwkwaarrrddd,” she coincidence, okay? Anyway, remarked. I don’t think they look THAT similar, especially since my