The Local Noodle Vol 7, No 2

MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · FRIDAY, 1 MARCH 2024

VOLUME VII, no. 2

New Fitness Initiative: Ross Calorie Count On February 22nd, overshadowing the infamous Middlebury College Dining “Which type of meat is secretly announced the decision to in the vegan option?” debate. introduce calorie counts on the The initiative, while ostensibly menus at Ross, citing concerns aimed at promoting health, has that Middlebury might lose also succeeded in turning calorie it’s long-held #1 spot on the counting into a competitive sport.

U.S. News ranking of skinniest Students are now seen flaunting student bodies. While most their calorie tracking apps as institutions of higher education badges of honor, turning every tend to focus on more traditional meal into a strategic decision metrics of success, such as akin to a chess game—where the sports or academics, Middlebury ultimate gambit is consuming the College continues to rely on the least calories while maximizing toned (but not bulky) figures of nutritional bragging rights. With their undergraduate population to Ross Calorie Count, Middlebury stand out from the crowd. students can now seamlessly “Personally, I’m all for the convert anxiety from exams new changes. I’m not paying directly into anxiety about 87 grand a year for ‘body lunch—efficiency at its finest. positivity’,” said Anna Rexy This initiative aims to ‘27, an ardent proponent of the strengthen rapport between new policy. “This year, students students by giving the are only averaging 10 hours of community a sense of shared exercise per week on Strava, purpose, as peers can work a concerning drop from last together towards something year’s 15. I honestly think the bigger than themselves (which, administration is empowering if this plan works, will be most survivors of eating disorders with things). Students and faculty this move, similar to how the are encouraged to bolster the LGBTQ+ community reclaimed initiative through vague, passivethe word…—wait, I don’t think aggressive comments such as I can say that, actually, is this on “You sure are hungry!” or “Leave the record?…” some for the rest of us!” because Amidst this culinary chaos, tough love and microaggressions the new Ross Calorie Count have historically been the most has become the most talked effective tool in aiding and about dining hall topic, even abetting body dysmorphia.

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BY MARCH 8

@thelocalnoodle

Write-In: The Middlebury Marriage Pact Ruined My Life

Dearest Noodle,

a goddamn marriage. I’ve since estranged myself from Barth; as a I’m having a serious wife-to-be, I can’t be wasting my crisis and it’s all because my time with unsupportive platonic roommate went and filled out guy friends anymore. the Middlebury Marriage Pact When my parents heard in my name! When I found out they’d be paying for a wedding what she’d done, I broke down, to someone I haven’t even sobbing dejectedly like a baby met, it got ugly. My mom still that sobs dejectedly when it collapses into tears whenever she receives bad news. She kept sees me, and my dad refuses to insisting that it was non-binding speak to me at all. My brother and simply “a fun way to meet said that I’m a “fucking idiot”, new people’’, but I knew better but that’s just how he is. I told than to trust her. I know that him to grow up and take things marriage is to be taken seriously, more seriously, especially given and despite some apprehensions, the state our parents are in. I’ve I’m dedicated to making this since estranged myself from him work. because I won’t allow myself However, I’m really not ready to associate with someone who for that level of commitment. doesn’t prioritize the needs of When we get married, my dear their family first. hubby is likely going to make I’m now looking for property, me drop out of college and perhaps a farmstead in the deep use my waitressing cash for a Rockies or a double-wide in new desktop so he can pursue Iowa. A home to begin my new a full-time Lego Star Wars life with my dreamy husband. streaming career (I have a type). Unfortunately, the college Fortunately, I’m all caught up has been uncooperative in my on tuition loan payments, so I’d attempts to drop out, citing the be freeing up tens of thousands “baseless and delusional line of of dollars for an engagement reasoning” I’ve presented. I’ve ring. My other friend, Barth, since estranged myself from told me that the purchasing of a them too, as I will not let any ring is the man’s duty, but times institution sully the sanctity of are changing and the future is marriage. female, and the future me is in

MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · FRIDAY, 1 MARCH 2024

VOLUME VII, no. 2

@thelocalnoodle

YOU THINK IT’S SO FUCKING EASY? TRY BELOW: ECON DEPARTMENT RELEASES STATEMENT: “This is exactly ________________________ what I needed,” said ___________will now strictly ___________‘24, while be ungilating and girating at all standing outside Warner Hall, times due to ______________ barefoot, nearly naked, and _________________________ ________________________. ________________________.

Members of the Math Students and faculty department reached a similar were shocked on Friday conclusion. “Fake fur and laser morning when Middlebury’s hair removal ______________ Economics “department” _________________________ published a landmark study on _________________________ ______________________. _______________________!”

“We’ve run the “This makes me feel a lot numbers, and our study better, because I love sharks!” definitively concludes that said __________‘26. “In fact, ________________________, it all started when I ________ rum and Diet Cokes directly _________________________ correlate to ______________ _________________________ ________________________ _________________________ _______________” Professor _______________________.” ______________ announced.

Then, _________________ “In fact, it’s so bad that ______ _________________________ _________________________ ______ phosphate __________ _________________________ _________________________ _____________________ just ________________________. like the Wu-Tang Clan. ______ Thankfully, students can _________________________ always rely on _____________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ ___–and you can take that one _______________________!” to the bank!

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Middlebury Administration Has Had it With Theft, Plans to Spend Millions on Forming Campus Panopticon In response to the recent not they are being watched. surge of jacket theft plaguing Although it is physically Middlebury’s campus, the impossible for the single administration has unveiled guard to observe all the plans for a staggeringly inmates’ cells at once, the expensive and Orwellian fact that the inmates cannot method of crime prevention know when they are being modeled after Jeremy watched motivates them to act Bentham’s Panopticon. as though they are all being Leaked mockups from the watched at all times. They are Johnson’s Intro to Architecture effectively compelled to selfclass showcase an intense all regulation. ” Notes Iterian, campus renovation. seemingly reading off of the “The plan?” asks confused “Panopticon” Wikipedia page. intended architecture major The “Middopticon” would Arthur Iterian ‘26.5, “Just slap be monitored by a rotating all that shit together Eastern roster that includes, but is State Penitentiary Style.” not limited to, associateIterian went on to elaborate level members of the Student that the proposal would Investment Committee, involve all the campus listenerless WRMC hosts, buildings and parking lots and the “Sigma Females being relocated to form a 2000 in STEM”. If a student is acre circle, surrounding a spotted committing a crime single surveillance tower: from the comfortable spinning “The concept is to allow office chair of the surveillance all prisoners of an institution tower, their lives will become to be observed by a single forfeit to PubSafe’s brand corrections officer, without the new Department of Capital inmates knowing whether or Punishment.