VOLUME VI, no. 2
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · FRIDAY, 20 OCTOBER 2023
SGA Taps into Vermont’s Migrant Worker Economy
Facing a lack of Head Lieutenant Czar Leader committee applicants, the General Gretta Jaub urgently SGA has decided to pursue exclaimed, “We need liaisons the go-to Vermont solution for now! ¡Rápido! ¡Rápido!” any labor shortage: migrant Miguel “The Trab” Ajador, workers. In an all-school having recently moved to email, SGA President Lorri Waterbury from Nuevo, Peyton stated, “As part of our Mexico, met the offer with ongoing Diversity, Equity, reluctance. “Quote,” he told and Inclusion Initiative, The Noodle. the SGA will be plugging Partnering with prominent into a previously untapped Vermont non-profit Migrant resource: recently immigrated Justice, newly-formed workers from Central and ‘Minutes with Dignity’ South America. ¡Bienvenidos argued that the SGA is forcing to Middlebury! The time has migrant workers to even come to trabajo!” more despicable working Many committees received conditions. “How can we an abysmally low, and often allow the SGA to force these unsatisfactory, number of migrant workers to send applications. Only one person out the weekly updates and applied to serve on the have not a single student Mental Health and Wellness read them? That cannot be Committee, for example, but good for their mental health!” upon further deliberation they prominent EJ major Whit announced that they had “too Savier exclaimed. much on their plate” to accept Minutes with Dignity also the position. questioned how the SGA will The SGA also assured the be compensating the migrant student body that the migrant workers as they transition workers would not be taking from their extremely lowmore sought-after (paid) paying dairy industry jobs to campus positions, but rather extremely non-paying SGA they would be only eligible to positions. SGA President work for SGA committees led Peyton responded, “Wait, by try-hard chairs. Operations they got paid?” Committee Co-Chair Front
@thelocalnoodle
Middlebury Joins Southeastern Athletic Conference
Director of Athletics Fuut Bawl announcing that Middlebury has left the NESCAC for the SEC.
After a chaotic summer Has Nick Saban heard about in the college sports world, this?” Middlebury College shocked Some may think an both its students and America organization called the by announcing that it will New England Small College be joining the Southeastern Athletic Conference would Conference (SEC), leaving the be perfect for a small NESCAC, which it has been college in New England like a member of since 734 B.C. Middlebury. But Bawl made Middlebury will leave New it clear that there was more at England behind to compete stake. “Having your stadium against the likes of Alabama, look out on mountains is for Georgia, Florida, and Bishop losers,” he said. “I want to Sycamore. look up at a stadium with The move was reportedly 80,000 screaming drunk kids made by athletics personnel when we go 1-9 next year. in a closed door meeting late And hell, if Stanford can call Sunday night, following a itself an Atlantic Coast school record-breaking weekend of now, who’s gonna stop us?” panther sports. The traditional Some students also parents weekend football complained about problems game resulted in a victory, brought up by the geographic success shared by the log issues involved in the move. rolling club in their annual All athletic teams will now competition and those four take chartered planes to their junior guys who won the away games, necessitating adult frisbee golf league in a significant budget town. However, the deciding reallocation. In order to pay, moment allegedly came the college announced the AD: We found when director of athletics, elimination of marshmallow this and feel like Fuut Bawl, and his colleagues fluff in Ross, the Energy2028 it shouldn’t be received word of club rugby’s initiative, and the entirety here. 63-0 loss to Babson. “That’s of the creative writing fuckin awesome,” said Bawl. department. “Usually it’s by at least 100.