Helping grieving children

Helping grieving children St. Richard’s Hospice, Wildwood Drive, Worcester WR5 2QT 01905 763963 | www.strichards.org.uk

Guidelines for parents and carers

Many people involved with caring for a grieving child, ask us;

“How can we help them to understand?”

“How do we explain what is happening to Mummy or Daddy, Grandad or Grandma?”

“How can we start to help the child survive this experience?”

This leaflet is designed to give key tips and is deliberately short. It is not intended to replace specialist advice from counselling and bereavement organisations or books.

A list of further useful contacts is on the back of this leaflet. It may also be helpful to share this information with others involved in the care of the child.

For example, their teacher/friends’ parents or other relatives. This will ensure everyone involved responds to questions in a similar way.

At what ages do children understand death?

Children of the same age may react very differently, their understanding is very individual. The following developmental guidelines are simplified and general.

0-3 years old - may clearly miss the dead person and may seek extra comfort from others around them.They do not understand that the dead person cannot come back.

3-7 years old - they may believe that their behaviour or thought can reverse the death.They still do not understand that the dead person cannot come back.

5-9 years old - fears and fantasies may arise about death as a physical form, e.g. as a skeleton, monster, ghost or angel. Dreams and hallucinations about the dead person are not uncommon.

9-12 years old - only now is death understood as irreversible. Children may become more aware of death as ‘the body stops working’ and they may become more interested in the appearance of dead bodies.

They may become increasingly frightened about themselves or others around them dying too.

Teenagers - some people think that teenagers grieve more like adults and they will cope better than younger children. However, teenagers are in a difficult in-between stage .

They may feel under a lot of pressure to grow up before they feel ready, particularly if a parent has died. It is not uncommon for some teenagers to become extremely disturbed and they will need special attention and support.

Children tend to express their feelings in behaviour rather than in words. Look out for any behaviour which is unusual for the individual child; change in sleep pattern, appetite or mood.

Often coping with a grieving child who has high levels of attention demandswhilst the adult is undergoing their own but different grief form - is a very difficult challenge to many adults.

Myths and misconceptions

Young children may consider it quite normal to take food and drink to the grave as they assume that dead people still need to eat and drink.

It is only by explaining the facts in a language on the child’s level that we can be sure the child understands.

What not to say

By using words like sleeping, gone or lost, we are inferring that the dead person may come back. Always use words the child will understand.

Funerals and viewing the body

Many people believe that this will be too upsetting for children. However, it has been shown that children only develop problems if they enter into these rituals without preparation or support.Therefore, as long as the child can be helped to understand what is happening, they should be encouraged to choose whether to go or not. Children should never be forced to attend, but most will be glad to be involved and not feel left out.

Viewing the body

Children may need to see for themselves that the person is really dead. However, it is important that some guidelines are followed to prepare the child before he/ she views. It is advisable that someone close to the child sees the body first so that they can give detailed descriptions to the child of:

• The room

• The coffin

• What the body looks like, particularly the face

• What the body feels like; it is cold and will not move

• What they can do e.g. they can touch and talk to the dead person

• Who will go with them

Always tell the funeral director before you go that you want a child to view the body.This way they can ensure the body is appropriately dressed and placed at a height the child can see.

Funerals

Funerals provide an opportunity to say goodbye and make the ending and parting real.Again, the child needs clear explanations to understand:

• What will happen to the body, burial or cremation

• What a coffin is like

• What it will look like

• If it will already be in the church, crematorium or if it will be carried in

Children will need to be accompanied by another adult who is close to them if their parent or carer is likely to be very distressed. Children like to feel involved, planning the funeral, choosing clothes, music, flowers or writing a letter to the dead person which could be placed inside the coffin may be of great help. They should be told if they have to walk behind the coffin and in front of the mourners, as they might find this too painful. It may help them to go into the church or crematorium first before everyone else .

Burials

Children need to be able to understand that the coffin will be lowered into the ground and covered with earth where it will slowly decay. It is important, therefore, that they know the dead person is not living in the graveyard and does not need to eat or breathe.

Cremation

Children need to understand that:

• The coffin and the body will be burnt into ashes

• The dead person will not be able to feel this

• The coffin will be moved and go behind curtains

• That they will not see, hear or smell the body being burnt

• That the ashes will be given to the family in an urn

• How the ashes will be disposed of, scattered, buried or kept. N.B. this may be an opportunity for a more personal goodbye

If the child prefers not to attend the funeral they should not be shamed. However, they should still be given a full explanation of what happened.They may like a more private ceremony to say goodbye or a memorial such as a visit to a favourite place or to the grave. Mementos can be helpful to ease the child’s worry that they might forget the dead person.