9781405945578

Designer

S Y L V A I N

N E U V E L

AUTHOR OF SLEEPING GIANTS

Discover history’s biggest secret . . .

secretly been shepherding human technology towards the stars.

Not only is she about to discover how wrong she is – but she’ll also learn she’s not the only alien on Earth: others are here to stop her.

Yet with revelation comes recovery. Now Aster has a purpose.

Her life, the future of her species and that of all life on Earth is at stake.

She’s history’s biggest secret. But can she save the future?

GUARDIAN ‘There’s real cleverness at work here’

THE TIMES

PENGUIN Fiction I S B N 978-1-405-94557-8

9

U.K. £0.00

N E U V E L

‘Alt-history with a difference’

‘The hottest new SF writer of the 21st century’

FOR THE FIRST TIME, AGAIN

OCTOBER 2023 B PB

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SPOT UV EMBOSS

S Y L V A I N

N E U V E L

AUTHOR OF SLEEPING GIANTS ‘A riveting blend of historical thriller and scientific speculation’

JAMES ROLLINS

‘The hottest new SF writer of the 21st century’

ROBERT J. SAW YER

ROBERT J. SAW YER

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9781405945578_ForTheFirstTimeAgain_COV.indd All Pages

KAITLIN

FINISHES

heritage – believing she is just an ordinary young girl.

JAMES ROLLINS

S Y L V A I N

of her mother in early life means she knows nothing of her alien

FOR THE FIRST TIME, AGAIN

Twelve-year-old Aster is the last of this line. But the loss

Pub Month Format

‘A riveting blend of historical thriller and scientific speculation’

For millennia an unbroken line of alien mothers and daughters have

Prod Controller

NINA

25/07/2023 14:29

pengu i n books

FOR the

FIRST T I M E, Again

TA K E T H E M T O T H E S TA R S , B O O K 3

Sylvain Neuvel has a PhD in Linguistics from the University of ­Chicago. He is an amateur robotics enthusiast and lifelong fan of all things science fiction. He is the author of two criticallyacclaimed series: the Themis Files novels, Sleeping Giants, W ­ aking Gods and Only Human, and the Take Them to the Stars trilogy, including A History of What Comes Next and Until the Last of Me. He lives in Montreal.

A L SO BY SY LVA IN NEU V EL

The Test TA K E T H E M T O T H E S TA R S

A History of What Comes Next Until the Last of Me THE THEMIS FILES

Sleeping Giants Waking Gods Only Human

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S SY YLLVVAAI N IN NNEEUUVVEELL

T O R TPOURB LP IUSBHLI INSGH IGNRGO GU RP O U P E WINNYEOBWROKYOOKRSK P ENNGU

PE NGU I N B O OK S UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia India | New Zealand | South Africa Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published in the United States of America by Tor Publishing Group 2023 First published in Great Britain by Penguin Michael Joseph 2023 Published in Penguin Books 2023 001 Copyright © Sylvain Neuvel, 2023 The moral right of the author has been asserted Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A. The authorized representative in the EEA is Penguin Random House Ireland, Morrison Chambers, 32 Nassau Street, Dublin D02 YH68 A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN: 978–1–405–94557–8

www.greenpenguin.co.uk Penguin Random House is committed to a sustainable future for our business, our readers and our planet. This book is made from Forest Stewardship Council® certified paper.

The visions we offer our children shape the future. It matters what those visions are. Often they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Dreams are maps.

C A R L S A G A N , P A L E B L U E D O T: A V I S I O N OF THE HUMAN FUTURE IN SPACE

Please Please note note that that all chapter all chapter titlestitles are song are song titlestitles fromfrom the years the years the story the story takestakes placeplace in. You in. can You listen can listen to each to each songsong as you as read you read or enjoy or enjoy the playlist the playlist on itsonown. its own.

You’llYou’ll find fi the ndplaylist the playlist on Apple on Apple Music Music by searching by searching for “Take for “Take Them Them to the to Stars” the Stars” or atortinyurl at tinyurl .com./com TakeThemToTheStars3. / TakeThemToTheStars3.

Spotify Spotify usersusers will fiwill nd fi itnd at tinyurl it at tinyurl .com./com neuvel3 /neuvel3 . You. You can also can also re- create re- create the playlist the playlist yourself yourself usingusing the song the song list atlist theatend the of end this of book. this book.

I N T RODUC T ION

T he Slow March of Light C YC L E 75 4 3 ( A P P R OX . 12 2 0 B .C .)

Light is slow. Like an old couple walking by the shore, photons amble without a care as I lie alone in this flying coffin, unable to outpace their leisurely stroll. The darkness stays still while I inch my way to a place I may never reach. Light is cruel. There’s purpose behind its sloth, deliberateness. It wants me to suffer.

I can hear it sometimes, snickering, while I beg death to come for me. I beg, and threaten, and scream, but I’m too far from anything for her to hear. I need to die. I need this to stop, but I’m not strong enough. WHY CAN’T I WILL MYSELF TO DIE? I can’t move. I can’t DO ANYTHING. This pain. Constant, relentless torment. It’s everywhere, in the air I breathe, the water I drink. I try to sleep, but it keeps me awake until I can’t tell if I am. I thank the stars when I lose consciousness, but it never lasts.

I wake up to the SAME. SHEKRET. PAIN! It’s been two cycles.

I can’t take another seven.

I want to die. I want it more than anything because there is nothing else. There is no mission. There’s no duty. There’s only pain. I’d kill myself without hesitation, but I can’t move my arms anymore. I can’t reach the controls and vent all the air into space. I can’t overdose on pain meds. I can’t alter course and drive myself into a star. I found thirty-seven different ways to end my life, but every single one of them is out of my reach.

“You are a hero to your people,” he said. “Remember that

2

2

S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

when when you you thinkthink it’s too it’s much too much to bear.” to bear.”

I didn’t I didn’t knowknow whatwhat he he meant. meant.

I imagined.

I imagined.

Apparently, Apparently, I lack I lack a proper a proper imagination. imagination.

I I smiled smiled at him. at him.

“Thank “Thank you,you, sir. It’s sir. an It’shonor an honor to serve.” to serve.”

Lies.Lies.

I I didn’t didn’t do this do this for my for people. my people.

I didI itdid foriteveryone for everyone whowho doesn’t doesn’t fit fit the defi the nition. definition.

We have We have plenty plenty of time of time to find to fiand suitable a suitable home home before before oursours turnsturns into into a fiery a fihell, ery hell, but but it’ll it’ll take take centuries centuries to to movemove everyone. everyone.

AndAnd theythey won’twon’t really really movemove everyone, everyone, of course. of course.

They’ll They’ll startstart withwith the fertile. the fertile.

Then Then the citizens. the citizens.

Miners Miners next,next, I I guess— guess— gottagotta havehave someone someone to dig— to dig— but they’ll but they’ll find fievery nd every excuse excuse to leave to leave the rest the of restthem of them behind. behind.

My son’s My son’s half half Xo. They’ll Xo. They’ll movemove cattle cattle before before theythey get to getpeople to people like like him.him.

TheThe sooner sooner we fiwe nd fiand a place, place, the better the better theirtheir odds.odds.

These These scoutscout shipsships are all arewe’ve all we’ve got. got.

It’s aIt’s onea oneway way ticket, ticket, but it’s butalso it’s also the best the best I could I could do for domy for son’s my son’s children, children, or their or their children. children.

I volunteered.

I volunteered.

I . . .I chose . . . chose this.this.

Somewhere Somewhere out there out there is a is man a man whowho didn’t didn’t choose. choose.

Another Another ship ship headed headed to the to same the same world. world.

Another Another being being suffering suffering end-endlessly. lessly.

He attacked He attacked a superior a superior officer, officer, broke broke his neck his neck fromfrom whatwhat I heard.

I heard.

Nothing Nothing theythey couldn’t couldn’t fix, but fix, the but boss the boss wasn’t wasn’t pleased. pleased.

ThisThis was was punishment. punishment.

I don’t I don’t carecare if heifslaughtered he slaughtered his entire his entire unit unit and and ate them. ate them.

No one No one deserves deserves this.this.

There There is noiscrime, no crime, no no horror horror or savagery, or savagery, that that merits merits this. this.

I never I never met met the man, the man, but Ibut I wishwish him him dead.dead.

I wish I wish him him deaddead withwith all my all heart. my heart.

I wonder I wonder if heifknew, he knew, if heifclenched he clenched his teeth his teeth the moment the moment he he climbed climbed aboard aboard his ship. his ship.

He must He must not have. not have.

If I’dIfknown.

I’d known.

If I’dIf I’d had had eveneven the slightest the slightest indication, indication, I’d have I’d have grabbed grabbed my service my service weapon weapon and and blown blown my brains my brains out on outthe on spot the spot while while I could.

I could.

TheThe ship’sship’s drivedrive was still was still warming warming up. Iup. feltIthe felt needle the needle plunge plunge into into my neck. my neck.

I started I started warming warming up myself up myself when when the flthe ightflight planplan popped popped up on upmy on monitor. my monitor.

Aneba Aneba 3. I’d3.never I’d never heard heard of it.ofI it. fig-I figuredured it’d be it’da be barely a barely habitable habitable shithole. shithole.

Toxic Toxic air, giant air, giant bugs,bugs, that that sort sort of thing. of thing.

Nope.

Nope.

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

3

3

INHABITED. INHABITED. POSSIBLE POSSIBLE CONTACT CONTACT WITH WITH HOSTILE HOSTILE SPECIES. SPECIES. There’s There’s no way no way we can we ever can ever relocate relocate to that to that placeplace if anifenemy’s an enemy’s there. there.

ThisThis was was pointless. pointless.

I’d abandoned I’d abandoned my son my son for absolutely for absolutely nothing. nothing.

I wasI was . . . upset. . . . upset.

So much So much so I didn’t so I didn’t see the seebiothe warning bio-warning blinking blinking at the at bottom the bottom of my of screen. my screen.

SIGNIFICANT SIGNIFICANT MORPHODIVERGENCE MORPHODIVERGENCE WITH WITH NATIVE NATIVE POPULATION. POPULATION. BIOMODIFICATION BIOMODIFICATION ADVISED. ADVISED. Advised?

Advised?

TheThe shekret shekret needle needle was was already already in my in neck. my neck.

WhatWhatever ever backwards backwards oafs oafs livedlived on that on that rock,rock, I wasI was going going to look to look like like one.one.

TheThe virusvirus spread spread like wildfi like wildfi re. I re. could I could feel it feel take it take over,over, tickling tickling everyevery corner corner of me. of me.

TheThe littlelittle buggers buggers are fast. are fast.

TheyThey rewrote rewrote my my DNADNA in less in less thanthan a day. a day.

A letter A letter here,here, a letter a letter there, there, untiluntil the the words words weren’t weren’t the same the same and and my body my body told told a discordant a discordant story.story.

I I had had to betoretold, be retold, reborn reborn to fittothe fit narrative. the narrative.

Targeted Targeted apoptosis. apoptosis.

Every Every cell cell in my in second my second heartheart committed committed suicide suicide in a in matter a matter of weeks. of weeks.

My entire My entire secondary secondary cardiovascular cardiovascular system system dissolved dissolved itself.itself.

It was It was scaryscary to watch to watch on the on monitor, the monitor, but but that that part part was was painless. painless.

So painless So painless I didn’t I didn’t notice notice when when my one my one goodgood heartheart stopped stopped beating. beating.

I bit Ipart bit part of my oftongue my tongue off when off when the the ship ship zapped zapped me with me with a thousand a thousand voltsvolts to restart to restart it. That it. That was was the the easyeasy part.part.

TheThe real real carnage carnage was was about about to begin. to begin.

Hundreds Hundreds of of genetic genetic switches switches turned turned on toonmake to make me something me something else,else, like like a a yershak yershak digesting digesting itselfitself inside inside its cocoon. its cocoon.

My body My body merged merged white white blood blood cellscells to make to make osteoclasts, osteoclasts, legions legions of them, of them, to eat to at eatmy at my bones. bones.

LikeLike a growth a growth spurtspurt in reverse. in reverse.

OnlyOnly worse, worse, and and endless, endless, and and everywhere. everywhere.

I liveI live in agony in agony while while my body my body dissolves dissolves and and rebuilds rebuilds everyevery bone, bone, everyevery joint.joint.

It will It will go on go and on and on for on nine for nine cycles cycles untiluntil my entire my entire skeleton skeleton is replaced is replaced and and I’m as I’mtall as as talla as a SHEKRET SHEKRET CHILD! CHILD!

4

4

S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

My My muscles muscles atrophied atrophied all on all their on their own.own.

Lying Lying immobile immobile in in a flying a flying cofficoffi n will n will do that do that pretty pretty quick. quick.

I’ll lose I’ll lose a third a third of my of my bodybody massmass before before this this is over. is over.

A third A third of me of will me will kill itself. kill itself.

Tril-Trillionslions of cells. of cells.

That’s That’s a lotaoflotcorpses of corpses to deal to deal with.with.

My marrow’s My marrow’s working working overtime overtime making making white white blood blood cellscells to mop to mop up the up dead. the dead.

Unfortunately, Unfortunately, it’s not it’s making not making any red any ones red ones while while it’s doing it’s doing that.that.

Every Every organ organ I have I have left isleft oxygen is oxygen deprived. deprived.

Kidney Kidney failure. failure.

Severe Severe anemia. anemia.

I watch I watch the yellow the yellow liquid liquid that that was once was once my blood my blood circucirculating lating in tubes in tubes above above my head my head and and I know I know the ship the ship is the is only the only thingthing keeping keeping me alive. me alive.

I despise I despise it foritit.for it.

EvenEven withwith dialysis dialysis and and a machine a machine oxygenating oxygenating my blood, my blood, I I might might not make not make it. It’s it. my It’s bones. my bones.

Too Too much much calcium calcium running running through through my veins. my veins.

TheThe medicine medicine helps, helps, but Ibut pass I pass kidney kidney stones stones almost almost everyevery day. day.

I’m sure I’m sure it hurts it hurts like like hell,hell, but but I don’t I don’t knowknow which which painpain is which is which anymore. anymore.

TheThe onlyonly bright bright spot spot is that is that thesethese aliens aliens havehave big heads. big heads.

Can’t Can’t shrink shrink brainbrain cells,cells, so I would so I would havehave had had to lose to lose some. some.

I getItogetkeep to keep this part this part of who of who I am.I am.

Some Some of it,ofatit,least. at least.

My entire My entire DNADNA thinks thinks I’m something I’m something different. different.

I know I know my brain my brain is adjusting is adjusting as well. as well.

NewNew connections connections are made; are made; old ones old ones are erased. are erased.

I don’t I don’t knowknow if I’m if I’m reallyreally me anymore, me anymore, or how or how much much will will be left be when left when this this is over. is over.

I I can’tcan’t know. know.

ThisThis is how is how I think.

I think.

There’s There’s no way no way to tell toiftell thisif is this how is how I thought.

I thought.

When When I’m not I’m finot nding finding new new waysways to kill to myself, kill myself, I tryItotry to remember remember things. things.

My son’s My son’s face,face, childhood childhood memories, memories, the good the good and the andbad. the bad.

ThatThat trip we triptook we took to see tothe seelast theocean last ocean creatures. creatures.

TheThe day my day mother my mother dropped dropped me at methe at academy. the academy.

“I’m“I’m doing doing this this for for you,you, Sereh.”

Sereh.”

I think I think that’sthat’s whatwhat she said. she said.

I remember I remember clearclear as day, as day, but maybe but maybe that’sthat’s not how not how it happened it happened at all.at Iall. can’t I can’t knowknow whatwhat I I forgot forgot if I already if I already forgot. forgot.

I can’t I can’t knowknow what’s what’s real.real.

Maybe Maybe I don’t I don’t havehave a sona and son and that that face face I seeInever see never eveneven existed. existed.

I don’t I don’t knowknow whatwhat I amI now, am now, whatwhat I’m turning I’m turning into.into.

SomeSomethingthing else.else.

Something Something small, small, and and weak. weak.

HadHad I been I been bornborn like like

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

5

5

it, my it, parents my parents would would havehave killed killed me. me.

I’ll know, I’ll know, eventually. eventually.

I getI get to watch to watch all ofallit.ofI it. can’t I can’t go into go into stasisstasis untiluntil the carnage the carnage is over. is over.

Seven Seven moremore cycles cycles of this. of this.

Just Just pain,pain, and and silence silence because because I’m too I’m too weakweak to scream. to scream.

I getItogetsleep to sleep for the for back the back half half of the of trip, the trip, but I’ll but I’ll go mad go mad longlong before. before.

I’m already I’m already broken. broken.

Whoever Whoever landslands on that on that rock,rock, I know I know it won’t it won’t be me. be me.

AACCTTI I

11 J u stJ uast Gai rlG i rl D E CDE EMCBEEMR B17, E R 19 17,9 919 9 9

Gawd, Gawd, I’m starving.

I’m starving.

I been I been watching watching feet feet go bygounder by under the tablethe tableclothcloth for over for over an hour. an hour.

Scuffed Scuffed loafers loafers withwith tassels. tassels.

I seen I seen his his shoesshoes before. before.

Whoever Whoever he is,heheis,better he better not eat not all eatthe all chocolate the chocolate mousse. mousse.

Oh no!

Oh He no! dropped He dropped a shrimp a shrimp on the on flthe oor.floor.

He’sHe’s gonna gonna step step on it!on it!

Oh, Oh, so close! so close!

He missed He missed it byitaby frog’s a frog’s hair.hair.

All right, All right, I need I need new new feet if feet I’mif gonna I’m gonna get dessert. get dessert.

I need I need tipsytipsy feet.feet.

FolksFolks don’tdon’t eat eat much much when when they’re they’re drunk. drunk.

What’s What’s that?that?

Wobbly Wobbly highhigh heels. heels.

TwoTwo pairspairs of them! of them!

Jackpot.

Jackpot.

Time Time to stick to stick my head my head out. out.

—AH! —AH! You You startled startled me, me, Aster.

Aster.

WhyWhy are you are you hiding hiding under under the the table? table?

—Oh, —Oh, hi, Mrs. hi, Mrs. Sparks.

Sparks.

Just Just playing. playing.

TheThe floorflover oor over there’s there’s all all sticky. sticky.

—There’s —There’s not much not much to dotohere do here for afor twelvea twelveyear-yearold, old, is there? is there?

—It’s—okay.

It’s okay.

I brought I brought my Game my Game Boy.Boy. Mrs.Mrs. Sparks Sparks is nice, is nice, but she but smells she smells like like an ashtray. an ashtray.

Everyone Everyone herehere smells smells like booze like booze and and cigarettes. cigarettes.

EvenEven Pa. IPa. seen I seen him him smoke smoke on the on gallery the gallery not finot ve minutes five minutes ago. ago.

—Can —Can I getIyou get something, you something, Aster?

Aster?

There’s There’s four four kindskinds of Coke. of Coke.

—No, —No, thank thank you.you.

But .But .. ...

—But —what?

But what?

Don’t Don’t be shy! be shy!

—Are —you Are you going going to eat toyour eat your chocolate chocolate mousse, mousse, Mrs.Mrs. Sparks?

Sparks?

—My— —My— Oh, Oh, you you can can havehave it, Aster. it, Aster.

10

10

S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

[You[You can have can have minemine too. too.

LoveLove the dress, the dress, by the by way. the way.

You You makemake a nice a nice princess.] princess.]

I think I think she’sshe’s a sailor, a sailor, Linda, Linda, not anot princess. a princess.

—It’s—. It’s . . It’s . . .from It’s from a TVa show.

TV show.

[Aye[Aye aye, aye, sailor! sailor!

Eat your Eat your spinach!] spinach!]

It’s not It’s Pop— not Pop— Never Never mind. mind.

Thank Thank you you for dessert! for dessert!

BackBack under under the the table.table.

Score Score me me mousse mousse number number four!four!

I I shouldn’t shouldn’t havehave wornworn that that costume, costume, though. though.

DadDad was was all gussied all gussied up. Iup. wanted I wanted to wear to wear something something special, special, not the not same the same old dress old dress I putI put on for on church for church everyevery week. week.

He was He was sooosooo excited excited for this. for this.

“You’ll “You’ll love love it, Aster. it, Aster.

There’ll There’ll be a be buffet.” a buffet.”

He’sHe’s extraextra proud proud rightright now.now.

Smoking Smoking cigars cigars withwith the engineers. the engineers.

CallsCalls everyone everyone by their by their first fi name rst name and and all. He all.said He said there’d there’d be other be other kids.kids.

No kids.

No kids.

He also He also said said there’d there’d be cake. be cake.

ThisThis buffet’s buffet’s all fiall shy,fishy, mushy mushy stuff.stuff.

It’s like It’s like nonenone of these of these folksfolks havehave teeth. teeth.

There’s There’s tons tons of mousse. of mousse.

There’s There’s shrimp shrimp mousse, mousse, salmon salmon mousse. mousse.

TheThe white, white, smoky, smoky, something something mousse mousse no one’s no one’s touched. touched.

There’s There’s chocolate chocolate mousse. mousse.

I loveI love chocchocolateolate mousse, mousse, but they’re but they’re supertiny supertiny and and there’s there’s a biga paper big paper sign sign on them. on them.

“ONE “ONE PERPER PERSON.” PERSON.” I’m starving.

I’m starving.

I—Why’d I—Why’d the music the music stop?stop?

Crud!

Crud!

Another Another speech. speech.

Come Come on! on!

Y’allY’all donedone like like fifteen fifteen already. already. [*Tap* [*Tap* *tap**tap* CanCan you you hearhear me? me?

LastLast speech speech of the of night, the night, I I promise. promise.

It’s been It’s been a biga year big year for usforatusStennis at Stennis Space Space Center Center and and I I wantwant to make to make sure sure we celebrate we celebrate everyone’s everyone’s workwork ’cause ’cause we’rewe’re not all not all working working on the on Space the Space Shuttle Shuttle mainmain engine. engine.

There’s There’s lots of lotsspace of space plane plane stuffstuff goinggoing on right on right now.now.

Jim’sJim’s team— team— Where’s Where’s Jim?Jim? There There you are— you are— spentspent pretty pretty much much the whole the whole year year testing testing the Fastrac the Fastrac en- engine gine for the for Xthe 34.X-And 34. And we just we just started started full full testing testing of the of engine the engine for the for Xthe 33X-on 33the on A1 the stand.

A1 stand.

What What else?else?

I don’t I don’t wantwant to forget to forget anyone.] anyone.]

[THE [THE RELIC!] RELIC!] [Shit![Shit!

Sorry.

Sorry.

I forgot I forgot the relic. the relic.

For all For ofallyou of you wondering wondering why why

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

11

11

Bernie’s Bernie’s hair hair is going is going graygray all ofalla of sudden, a sudden, his team his team is doing is doing pro- propellant pellant teststests on the— on the— HowHow old isold that is that thing? thing?

Thirty Thirty . . . some . . . some yearsyears old?— old?— on the on AR2the AR23 engine 3 engine for, for, you you guessed guessed it, another it, another spacespace plane. plane.

X- . .X-. Thirty. . . Thirtyseven! seven!

All right, All right, I think I think that’sthat’s it. Thank it. Thank you you all again all again for afor great a great year.year.

Enjoy Enjoy yourselves. yourselves.

HaveHave another another drink. drink.

Bernie, Bernie, you you can can havehave two. two.

I wish I wish us all us. all . . What’s . . . What’s happening? happening?

Ma’am?

Ma’am?

Ma’am!

Ma’am!

ThisThis is a private is a private party; party; you can’t— you can’t— ] ] WhoWho crashes crashes an offi ance offiparty? ce party?

Especially Especially this this one.one.

I think I think I I heard heard a dozen a dozen mathmath jokesjokes already. already.

An infi Annite infinite number number of mathof mathematicians ematicians walkwalk into into a bar. a bar.

TwoTwo random random variables variables walkwalk into into a a bar. bar. . . . Oh . . . my Ohgod, my god, they’re they’re screaming screaming now.now.

Big ruckus.

Big ruckus.

I’m curiI’m curious, ous, but I’m but not I’m that not that curious. curious.

Headphones Headphones on. Me on. and Me and LinkLink are are gonna gonna explore explore that that weirdweirdass island ass island while while the grownthe grownups ups throw throw a tantrum. a tantrum.

A couple A couple moremore instruments instruments and and I getIto getwake to wake up the up the Wind Wind Fish.Fish.

Whoa!

Whoa!

I think I think a chair a chair just just flew flby. ew This by. This ain’tain’t somesome squabble squabble overover free free booze, booze, moremore like like an allanout all-brawl out brawl fromfrom the the lookslooks of it.ofI wonder it. I wonder whatwhat got them got them so riled so riled up. Maybe up. Maybe someone’s someone’s ex doesn’t ex doesn’t like like the new the new boyfriend. boyfriend.

I blame I blame Christmas.

Christmas.

TheThe hol- holidaysidays make make people people do weird do weird things. things.

Still,Still, folksfolks herehere ain’tain’t exactly exactly the fithe ghting fighting type.type.

Math Math whizzes whizzes and and science science nerdsnerds getting getting phys-physical,ical, it’s gotta it’s gotta be pretty be pretty bad.bad.

Whatever, Whatever, I don’t I don’t wanna wanna know. know.

PlusPlus I might I might get more get more chocolate chocolate mousse mousse if a ton if a of tonpeople of people leave. leave.

Pa’s Pa’s gottagotta be trying be trying to talk to talk themthem down down by now. by now.

He does He does that.that.

He doesn’t He doesn’t like like conflconfl ict. Itict. doesn’t It doesn’t havehave to betoserious, be serious, even.even.

Star Star TrekTrek versus versus Star Star Wars.

Wars.

Boxers Boxers or briefs. or briefs.

He can’t He can’t standstand people people arguing arguing about about anything, anything, so he so plays he plays arbiter arbiter all the all the time.time.

He He can’tcan’t helphelp it. No it. way No way he’llhe’ll sit still sit still when when folksfolks are throwing are throwing chairs chairs around. around.

You You thinkthink that that lady lady would would take take a hint a hint and and leav— leav— Gunshots!

Gunshots!

I think I think thosethose werewere gunshots! gunshots!

Okay, Okay, crud.crud.

What What do do I do?I Nothing. do? Nothing.

I’ll stay I’ll stay rightright herehere under under my table. my table.

Crud.

Crud.

Crud.

Crud.

Crud.

Crud.

I’m burning I’m burning up again. up again.

ThisThis really really isn’t isn’t the time the time for one for one of of my episodes. my episodes.

StayStay calm. calm.

Stay.Stay.

Calm.

Calm.

HowHow do I do stayI stay calm? calm?

I’ll do I’ll do

12

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S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

the stupid the stupid flower flower thingthing Mrs.Mrs. Abney Abney taught taught me. me.

Breathe Breathe . . . in. . . . in.

Breathe Breathe out. out.

Breathe Breathe . . . in. . . .. in. .. ...

AAAAAHHH! AAAAAHHH! Someone Someone fell face-fi fell face-fi rst right rst right in front in front of me. of me.

It’s . It’s . . It’s . . .Mrs. It’s Mrs. Sparks.

Sparks.

Her Her glasses glasses are all arebent all bent up. She’s up. She’s staring, staring, but Ibut don’t I don’t thinkthink she’sshe’s really really looking looking at anything. at anything.

Is she Is dead? she dead?

I think I think she’sshe’s dead.dead.

Oh yeah, Oh yeah, she’sshe’s dead!dead!

There’s There’s blood blood pooling pooling around around her now. her now.

LotsLots of blood of blood slowly slowly creeping creeping under under the table. the table.

I I needneed to move. to move.

I’ll lean I’ll lean backback against against the wall the wall and and roll into roll into a ball. a ball.

Breathe Breathe . . . in. . . .Breathe in. Breathe out. out.

I’m sweating I’m sweating up aup storm. a storm.

I’m going I’m going to black to black out again. out again.

What What do Ido do?I do?

What What do Ido do?I do?

I gotI nothing got nothing to defend to defend myself, myself, ain’tain’t nothing nothing but plastic but plastic knives knives on that on that buffet buffet table.table.

I don’t I don’t eveneven knowknow whowho to defend to defend from.from.

Maybe Maybe I canI can shortshort the power the power outlet outlet nextnext to to me. me.

If theIf lights the lights are on arethe on same the same circuit, circuit, I canI can make make it outit in outthe in the dark.dark.

What What the hell the hell is wrong is wrong withwith me? me?

I’m not I’m going not going out there. out there.

Close Close youryour eyes,eyes, Aster.

Aster.

Close Close ’em ’em tight.tight.

Crud, Crud, the blood’s the blood’s at my at my feet feet now.now.

Breathe Breathe in. Iin. could I could . . . Break . . . Break a bottle a bottle of wine of wine and and use use it as ita— asNo a—no Nono! no Mrs. no! Mrs. Sparks’s Sparks’s shoes. shoes.

Those Those highhigh heelsheels are baare basically sically hammer hammer knives. knives.

SHUT SHUT UP, UP, ASTER! ASTER! You’re You’re staying staying rightright here.here.

Breathe Breathe in. Breathe in. Breathe out. out.

Too Too many many things things going going through through my head, my head, I can’t I can’t turnturn it off.it TURN off. TURN IT OFF! IT OFF! TURN TURN IT OFF! IT OFF! TheThe room’s room’s spinning spinning now.now.

That’s That’s it. I’m it. gonna I’m gonna pass pass out. out.

22 W hy W hy D oeDs oeMy s My He aHe r t aFe r t elFeSelo SBoa dB?a d ?

I don’t I don’t feel feel sad. sad.

I don’t I don’t feel feel much much of anything, of anything, really. really.

I ain’t I ain’t cry- crying. ing.

I ain’t I ain’t criedcried sincesince theythey told told me. me.

I should I should be, Ibe, know— I know— but Ibut I ain’t.ain’t.

I woke I woke up toupthe to smell the smell of bleach. of bleach.

Bleach Bleach and and something something lem-lemony. ony.

Clean, Clean, in a in scratchesa scratchesat-yourat-yourthroat throat sort of sortway. of way.

I opened I opened my my eyeseyes and and therethere was was moremore clean. clean.

White White walls. walls.

White White bedsheets. bedsheets.

White White cabinets. cabinets.

I figured I figured out where out where I wasI was when when I sawI saw the heart the heart monitor monitor nextnext to the to bed. the bed.

TheThe white white doordoor opened opened to lettoalet nurse a nurse in. She in. She stared stared at myatclothes my clothes for afor second. a second.

“I’m“I’m so sorry,” so sorry,” she said. she said.

Sorry?

Sorry?

SorrySorry for what? for what?

I asked I asked where where my dad my was dad and was and that’sthat’s when when she told she told me. me.

Well,Well, not at notfirst. at fiShe rst. She said said she’dshe’d call call someone, someone, but Ibut I asked asked againagain where where my dad my dad was.was.

ThenThen she told she told me. me.

Pa had Pa had a heart a heart attack. attack.

TheyThey did all didthey all they could, could, but he butwas he was already already gonegone when when he got he to gotthe to hospital. the hospital.

ThisThis hospital, hospital, I guess.

I guess.

Then, Then, moremore sorry.sorry.

Terribly Terribly sorry.sorry.

Then Then she left. she left.

AndAnd I justI .just . . lay . . .there lay there in my in stupid my stupid costume. costume.

No more No more Pa. Pa. No more No more anyone. anyone.

I layIthere lay there untiluntil the white the white doordoor opened opened againagain and and another another woman woman camecame in. Gray in. Gray suit.suit.

Supershort Supershort hair hair and and Drew Drew Carey Carey glasses. glasses.

“I have “I have something something to tell to tell you,you, Aster.”

Aster.”

It It sounded sounded moremore real real that that time.time.

Pa had Pa had a heart a heart attack. attack.

TheyThey did all did all theythey could, could, but he butwas he already was already gonegone when when he got heto gotthe to hospital. the hospital.

ThisThis hospital, hospital, for sure. for sure.

More More sorry.sorry.

Terribly Terribly sorry.sorry.

I could I could tell tell she’dshe’d donedone this this before. before.

I figured I figured she was she was Child Child Services.

Services.

People People

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S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

say bad say things bad things about about Child Child Services, Services, but they but they said said they’d they’d find fime nd me a good a good family family when when my mom my mom got rid gotofridme, of me, and and theythey did. did.

TheyThey found found Pa. He Pa.was He awas good a good family. family.

I thought I thought maybe maybe she could she could find find me another. me another.

I asked I asked her when her when we’dwe’d be leaving. be leaving.

I gotIagot “soon” a “soon” and and a biga fake big fake smile. smile.

I ain’t I ain’t leaving leaving soon.soon.

I seen I seen people people hidehide things things and and she was she was definitely definitely hiding hiding things. things.

I feelI bad feel for badnot for crying, not crying, like Ilike didn’t I didn’t love love Pa, or Pa,not or enough not enough or or something, something, but Ibut ain’t I ain’t crying crying here.here.

Not Not in a in bleacha bleachand-andlemonlemonsmelling smelling white white room. room.

I want I want to cry toin crymy inroom, my room, or inorhis inroom. his room.

I I wantwant to cry to where cry where it smells it smells like like him.him.

GrayGray lady lady asked asked if I wanted if I wanted to see to him. see him.

I liketa I liketa said said yes, yes, but Pa butwas Pa was always always so happy. so happy.

I don’t I don’t wantwant to remember to remember him him all sad all and sad and all dead. all dead.

TheThe door.door.

She’sShe’s ba—ba— Oh no.

OhIt’s no.aIt’s man a man this time, this time, a soldier. a soldier.

No, No, a general a general or something. or something.

LotsLots of bling of bling on the on uniform. the uniform.

TinyTiny flags.flags.

Shaved Shaved head.head.

He looks He looks like like Bruce Bruce Willis.

Willis.

Like,Like, for real. for real.

—Hello, —Hello, Aster.

Aster.

HowHow are you are you feeling feeling this this morning? morning?

—.— .. ...

—Aster?

—Aster?

—I’m —sorry, I’m sorry, sir. It’s sir.just It’s .just . . You . . . You looklook exactly exactly like— like— —I know.

—I know.

I know.

I know.

My name My name is Benjamin is Benjamin Veilleux.

Veilleux.

I came I came to to see you. see you.

Me?Me? What What doesdoes he want he want withwith me? me?

I don’t I don’t thinkthink Pa was Pa was ever ever in the in Army. the Army.

—Are —you Are you a doctor? a doctor?

—I am, —I am, actually. actually.

I’m aI’m colonel a colonel in the in U.S. the U.S. Army, Army, and and a doctor. a doctor.

I work I work at the at Walter the Walter ReedReed Army Army Medical Medical Center.

Center.

—.— .. ...

—It’s—in It’sWashington. in Washington.

—I— — Wait, I—Wait, we’rewe’re in D.C.? in D.C.?

—No, —No, Aster.

Aster.

You’re You’re still still in Mississippi, in Mississippi, in Picayune. in Picayune.

But But the the doctors doctors herehere did adid blood a blood test last test night— last night— you you werewere unconscious unconscious when when you you camecame in—in— and and theythey didn’t didn’t knowknow whatwhat to make to make of it.of it.

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

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15

TheThe results, results, I mean.

I mean.

TheyThey didn’t didn’t knowknow whatwhat to make to make of the of rethe results,sults, and and theythey made made somesome calls,calls, and,and, well,well, herehere I am.I am.

I came I came a a longlong way way just to justsee to you. see you.

—No —No one one said said anything anything about about a test. a test.

Is there Is there something something wrong wrong withwith me? me?

—No, —No, Aster.

Aster.

There’s There’s nothing nothing wrong wrong withwith you.you.

At least, At least, that’sthat’s whatwhat theythey tell me, tell me, but that but that makes makes youryour test results test results all the all more the more peculiar. peculiar.

That’s That’s why why I came.

I came.

I work I work for an for agency an agency called called the the Armed Armed Forces Forces Medical Medical Intelligence Intelligence Center Center and and we have we have very very smart smart people people whowho are trained are trained just for justthis for this sort sort of thing. of thing.

—I’m —sorry, I’m sorry, sir. What sir. What sort sort of thing? of thing?

—They’re —They’re . . . detectives, . . . detectives, like like the ones the ones on Law on Law & Order, & Order, but but for medical for medical things. things.

I’d like I’d like you you to meet to meet them. them.

WillWill you you do that do that for me, for me, Aster?

Aster?

—They’re —They’re here?here?

—No, —No, they’re they’re in Washington. in Washington.

There’s There’s a helicopter a helicopter waiting waiting for for us onusthe on roof. the roof.

It will It will take take us tousBiloxi; to Biloxi; thenthen we’llwe’ll get on getaon plane. a plane.

HaveHave you you ever ever beenbeen on aon helicopter, a helicopter, Aster?

Aster?

—No, —No, sir, but sir, I— butI I— don’t I don’t wantwant to gototogoWashington. to Washington.

I justI want just want to gotohome. go home.

—.— . . Did . . . Did someone someone explain explain whatwhat happened happened to your to your father? father?

—.— .. ...

—Then, —Then, you see, you see, Aster, Aster, therethere is noishome no home for you for to yougotoback go back to. to.

I’m terribly I’m terribly sorry.sorry.

When When we get weto getthe to hospital, the hospital, we’ll— we’ll— —How’d —How’d he die? he die?

—He—had He had a heart a heart attack. attack.

I thought I thought you you knew. knew.

—No, —No, I mean I mean why?why?

What What happened happened last night? last night?

—What —What do you do you remember? remember?

—There —There werewere people people screaming. screaming.

I heard I heard gunshots. gunshots.

Mrs.Mrs. Sparks, Sparks, she worked she worked withwith my father, my father, she .she . . she . . . was she shot, was shot, I think.

I think.

I don’t I don’t remember remember anything anything afterafter that.that.

—You’re —You’re right.right.

Someone Someone walked walked into into the reception the reception at Stennis at Stennis

16

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S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

Space Space Center Center uninvited. uninvited.

TheThe . . . individual . . . individual opened opened fire with fire with a a high-highcaliber caliber rifle rifl when e when security security stepped stepped in. in.

—Who? —Who? —We —We don’tdon’t know. know.

But But several several people people werewere killed. killed.

A dozen A dozen or soorwere so were injured; injured; one one is iniscritical in critical care.care.

YourYour father, father, well well ... ...

I know I know this this is a is lotatolottake to take in. There in. There mustmust be abe million a million things things running running through through youryour mind. mind.

It’s perfectly It’s perfectly normal normal for you for you to beto be scared. scared.

Scared.

Scared.

I wasn’t I wasn’t untiluntil he said he said it just it just now.now.

I wasI was all kinds all kinds of of things—worried, things—worried, sad, sad, confused—but confused—but not scared. not scared.

NowNow I’m scared.

I’m scared.

He wants He wants me to megettoon getaon helicopter a helicopter withwith him him and and go togoWashingto Washington so tonI so canI can talk talk to some to some people. people.

ThatThat doesn’t doesn’t make make sense. sense.

He He camecame here.here.

WhyWhy didn’t didn’t they?they?

He said He said they’re they’re like like detectives detectives on on LawLaw & Order. & Order.

TheyThey put people put people in jail in on jailLaw on Law & Order. & Order.

—There —There was was a woman a woman fromfrom Child Child Services.

Services.

She She said said we’dwe’d be be leaving leaving soon.soon.

—Is — that Is that whatwhat she said? she said?

—Yes, —Yes, she— she— She She said said soon.soon.

She She did. did.

I asked I asked when when we’dwe’d be leaving be leaving and and ... ...

Crud.

Crud.

“When “When do I do leave?”

I leave?”

That’s That’s whatwhat I said.

I said.

I asked I asked when when I’d be I’d be leaving leaving and and she said she said soon.soon.

I guess I guess she meant she meant withwith him,him, not her. not her.

—I already —I already spoke spoke to Child to Child Services Services and and informed informed themthem we’dwe’d be taking be taking overover youryour case.case.

We’llWe’ll take take goodgood carecare of you, of you, Aster.

Aster.

I I promise. promise.

My My case?case?

I don’t I don’t believe believe a word a word coming coming out of outhis of mouth. his mouth.

TakeTake carecare of me. of me.

HowHow is the is Army the Army going going to take to take carecare of me? of me?

I I wantwant to gotohome. go home.

I need I need to gotohome. go home.

I justI need just need a reason. a reason.

—We —.We . . I. have . . I have a cat.a cat.

—Don’t —Don’t worry. worry.

I’ll send I’ll send someone someone for your for your cat and cat and youryour per- personalsonal effects. effects.

We’llWe’ll make make suresure you’re you’re comfortable. comfortable.

You’ll You’ll feel feel at at home home withwith us inusno in time; no time; you’ll you’ll see. see. . . . May . . . May I askI aask personal a personal question? question?

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

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17

—What?

—What?

—What —What are you are you wearing? wearing?

—It’s— —It’s— —Excuse —Excuse me for meone for one moment. moment.

What’s What’s going going on? He on?looks He looks worried. worried.

Oh, Oh, I hear I hear it now. it now.

There’s There’s screaming screaming down down the hall, the hall, lots of lotsscreaming. of screaming.

AndAnd running, running, I seeI see heads heads flying flying by through by through the door the door window. window.

AH!AH! LoudLoud bang. bang.

It’s—It’s— ThisThis can’tcan’t be happening be happening again. again.

—Was —Was that that a gunshot? a gunshot?

—Don’t —Don’t worry, worry, Aster.

Aster.

I’m sure I’m sure it’s nothing. it’s nothing.

I’ll be I’llright be right back.back.

StayStay rightright here,here, okay?okay?

—Yes, —Yes, sir. sir. ... ...

StayStay rightright here.here.

Yeah, Yeah, right.right.

LikeLike hell hell I am.I am.

33 R u nR u n

My bed’s My bed’s covered covered withwith broken broken glass.glass.

It’s pretty, It’s pretty, like like the sun the sun re- reflecting flecting off aoff lake, a lake, or when or when theythey find fithe nd diamonds the diamonds in those in those heistheist movies. movies.

It’s making It’s making my head my head spinspin a little. a little.

I never I never beenbeen drunk, drunk, but but I betI this bet this is what is what it feels it feels like.like.

My heart’s My heart’s racing, racing, eveneven if I’mif suI’m supersleepy. persleepy.

Everything’s Everything’s . . . not . . . real, not real, like like I’m in I’ma in dreamworld a dreamworld or or somesome magical magical realm. realm.

LikeLike Labyrinth.

Labyrinth.

“It’s “It’s onlyonly forever, forever, not long not long at all.at.all. . .” .Crud, . .” Crud, I stepped I stepped on my onCabbage my Cabbage Patch Patch Kid crawling Kid crawling in in through through the window. the window.

I must I must havehave had had a shard a shard on my onshoe, my shoe, ’cause ’cause there’s there’s a cutaabove cut above the eye the now. eye now.

I think I think I likeI it. likeShe it. She lookslooks badass. badass.

Desirae Desirae Chandelle, Chandelle, the destroyer. the destroyer.

I don’t I don’t knowknow whatwhat happened happened at the at the hospital. hospital.

There There werewere people people running running in the in parking the parking lot. This lot. This woman woman said:said: “You“You can’tcan’t stay stay here,here, kid!”kid!”

I gotIinto got into her car herand car and we drove we drove off. She off. She drove drove me me all the allway the way to Gulfport. to Gulfport.

I toldI told her my herdad my couldn’t dad couldn’t pickpick me up metill up till later.later.

It didn’t It didn’t take take themthem longlong to start to start looking looking for me. for me.

There There werewere two two cop cop cars cars parked parked out front out front when when I gotIhere. got here.

TheThe regular regular kind.kind.

I guess I guess theythey thinkthink I’ll see I’ll asee copa cop and and think: think: Yes! Yes! TakeTake me back me back to to Bruce Bruce Willis Willis so I so canI can live in liveD.C. in D.C. withwith the Army the Army LawLaw & Order. & Order.

Fat chance.

Fat chance.

I let IMrs. let Mrs. Bloom’s Bloom’s dog dog looseloose to distract to distract them— them— sorry,sorry, Mrs.Mrs. Bloom.

Bloom.

Damn Damn dog dog likeslikes to scratch to scratch at our at our lawnlawn and and Mrs.Mrs. Bloom Bloom sounds sounds like like a firea alarm fire alarm when when she’sshe’s upset. upset.

TheThe copscops werewere still still chasing chasing the dog the dog when when I jumped I jumped the fence the fence and and climbed climbed to to my window. my window.

Anything Anything to turn to turn Mrs.Mrs. Bloom Bloom off. off.

20

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S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

—Oh, —Oh, therethere you are. you Come are. Come here,here, Londo.

Londo.

TheThe house house is empty, is empty, I know.

I know.

Don’t Don’t worry. worry.

I’m taking I’m taking you you withwith me. me.

We’llWe’ll packpack you you somesome kibble kibble for the for road. the road.

I toldI told myself myself I came I came backback for the forcat, the but cat,Ibut hadI had to see tothe seehouse the house again. again.

I wonder I wonder whatwhat they’ll they’ll do with do with it. Pait.had Pa had no family no family that that I I knowknow of and of and I doubt I doubt houses houses go togoadopted to adopted children, children, at least at least not not to the to fugitive the fugitive kind.kind.

That’s That’s whatwhat I amI now. am now.

ThisThis is soismessed so messed up. up.

Like,Like, whatwhat do they do they wantwant withwith me? me?

I’m not I’m the not one the one shooting shooting at at people people everywhere. everywhere.

TheyThey should should just— just— Where Where are you are going, you going, you you crazycrazy cat? cat?

Food’s Food’s down down in the in kitchen. the kitchen.

Oh, Oh, Pa’s Pa’s roomroom . . . It’s . . .so It’stidy. so tidy.

It’s always It’s always just just me and me and him— him— I I don’tdon’t remember remember the last the time last time someone someone camecame over— over— but he butkeeps he keeps his room his room spickspickand-andspanspan like like the Queen’s the Queen’s spending spending the night. the night.

He used He used to travel to travel before before . . . before . . . before me. me.

He said He said he liked he liked sleeping sleeping in hotels. in hotels.

I thought I thought he just he just missed missed traveling, traveling, but what but what he really he really likedliked was was climbing climbing into into a wella wellmade made bed.bed.

Three Three pillows, pillows, not not two,two, and and bedsheets bedsheets so tight so tight you you havehave to put to your put your feet feet sideways. sideways.

It seemed It seemed like like a lotaoflotwork of work for ten for seconds ten seconds getting getting into into bed,bed, but but he always he always likedliked the little the little things. things.

Fancy Fancy bowls bowls for breakfast, for breakfast, silversilverwareware for grits. for grits.

I think I think thosethose werewere a wedding a wedding gift. gift.

I wish I wish I’d known I’d known his wife. his wife.

I wish I wish he were he were here.here. ... ...

—What’d —What’d you you find fithere, nd there, Londo?

Londo?

Oh, Oh, the box. the box.

We’re We’re not alnot allowed lowed to look to look in the in box. the box.

I suppose I suppose he won’t he won’t mindmind if weiftake we take a peek. a peek.

StillStill feelsfeels wrong, wrong, though. though.

ThatThat box was box for wasprivate, for private, precious precious things. things.

He scolded He scolded me me just for justbeing for being nearnear that that thing. thing.

What’s What’s this?this?

Perfume.

Perfume.

A woman’s, A woman’s, mustmust havehave beenbeen his wife’s. his wife’s.

What What doesdoes it sm— it sm— Ew, Ew, gawd. gawd.

I think I think it’s gone it’s gone bad.bad.

A bunch A bunch of Greyhound of Greyhound tickets. tickets.

He really He really did miss did miss traveling. traveling.

There’s There’s nothing nothing but paper but paper in here. in here.

Crud.

Crud.

That’s That’s my my last last school school report. report.

Really, Really, Pa? Pa? That’s That’s all my all school my school reports. reports.

I I knewknew he was he was proud, proud, but .but . . See . . . See whatwhat you you did, did, Pa? Pa? I’m crying I’m crying now,now, on your on your supertidy supertidy bed.bed.

I can’t I can’t stop.stop.

I want I want to; itto; hurts, it hurts, like like

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

21

21

someone someone tickling tickling me for metoo forlong. too long.

It hurts It hurts everywhere everywhere inside, inside, but but I can’t I can’t . . . I’m . . . shaking I’m shaking like like a shitting a shitting dog dog now,now, making making a biga wet big wet messmess of things. of things.

I miss I miss you,you, Pa. And Pa. And I hate I hate you!you!

You’re You’re not allowed not allowed to leave to leave me me like like this.this. . . . “Me . . . “Me and and you,you, Aster.

Aster.

Me and Me and you.”you.”

That’s That’s whatwhat you you said.said.

You You said said it allitthe all time. the time.

It didn’t It didn’t matter matter if I had if I had a bad a bad day day at school, at school, or if or it rained if it rained for three for three days,days, or . .or. whatever. . . . whatever.

None None of of it mattered it mattered because because we had we had eacheach other. other.

That’s That’s whatwhat you you said.said.

You You lied!lied!

NowNow say it’s saynot it’s real! not real!

Say Say it! I’m it! gonna I’m gonna closeclose my eyes my eyes and and sleepsleep till you till you shake shake me awake me awake and and tell me tell it’s me not it’s real, not real, all all right? right? . . . Just . . . Just come come back,back, Pa . Pa . . please. . . . please.

Just Just for one for one day. day.

We’llWe’ll go togoBlockbuster to Blockbuster like like before. before.

Three Three movies movies for the for price the price of two. of two.

We’llWe’ll do the do crossword the crossword puzzle puzzle overover breakfast. breakfast.

God,God, I miss I miss that.that.

Remember Remember howhow you you usedused to cut to my cut my toasttoast in the in shape the shape of things? of things?

Always Always something something different. different.

ToastToast in the in shape the shape of a of turtle, a turtle, a sailboat. a sailboat.

Cat Cat toast.toast.

Car Car toast.toast.

None None of of themthem really really looked looked like like anything— anything— oh, Yoda! oh, Yoda!

YodaYoda looked looked like like a a Siamese Siamese cat. cat.

I loved I loved guessing guessing whatwhat it was, it was, though. though.

FirstFirst thingthing I I did when did when I gotIout got of outbed of bed was think was think about about the day’s the day’s toast.toast.

Why’d Why’d you you stop,stop, Pa? IPa? grew I grew up, Iup, know, I know, but why but why that that day?day?

OneOne morning morning you you looked looked at me at and me and thought: thought: Aster’s Aster’s growngrownup. No up. more No more fancyfancy toast.toast.

I wish I wish I could I could be inbeyour in your headhead for afor minute. a minute.

WasWas it someit somethingthing I did?

I did?

Something Something I said?

I said?

Maybe Maybe it’s just it’s .just . . I. ain’t . . I ain’t never never said said thank thank you,you, havehave I? I meant I? I meant to. Thank to. Thank you.you.

Thank Thank you for youthe for the toast,toast, Pa. Thank Pa. Thank you you for everything. for everything.

I should I should get up getand up and go, but go, Ibut can’t I can’t movemove a muscle. a muscle.

I can’t I can’t keepkeep my eyes— my eyes—

**

Where— Where— Oh. Oh. I’m still I’m still here,here, lyinglying on his onbed. his bed.

He’sHe’s still still gonegone and and I’m .I’m . . nowhere . . . nowhere closeclose to knowing to knowing whatwhat to do. to The do. The copscops didn’t didn’t go anywhere go anywhere either. either.

I can’t I can’t stay stay here.here.

OneOne of them of them will will needneed to to

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use the use bathroom the bathroom sooner sooner or later. or later.

It feels It feels wrong wrong to leave to leave everyeverything. thing.

Those Those werewere his things; his things; nownow they’ll they’ll throw throw themthem away,away, or or give give themthem to someone. to someone.

I should I should take take a picture a picture withwith me at meleast. at least.

ThisThis one,one, maybe. maybe.

No, No, I want I want one one of the of both the both of us. of There’s us. There’s a a goodgood one one in the in living the living room. room.

—Here, —Here, Londo.

Londo.

Let’sLet’s go downstairs go downstairs and and packpack you some you some kibble. kibble.

There There it is.itI is. always I always likedliked that that picture. picture.

I have I have no idea no idea where where we took we took it, though. it, though.

ThisThis ain’tain’t our yard; our yard; it’s—it’s— I don’t I don’t havehave timetime for for this.this.

Cat Cat food,food, cat food. cat food.

There There it is.itI is. should I should eat something eat something too. too.

I haven’t I haven’t sincesince . . . then, . . . then, but Ibut don’t I don’t thinkthink I can.

I can.

My stomach’s My stomach’s all gwaaargh. all gwaaargh.

CheezCheezIt. That’ll It. That’ll havehave to do. to Ido. canI can eat on eatthe on way the way there, there, wherever wherever “there” “there” is. I is. don’t I don’t havehave any money. any money.

I don’t I don’t knowknow anyone. anyone.

Where Where am Iam supposed I supposed to sleep? to sleep?

I’m pretty I’m pretty suresure shelters shelters will will call call the cops the cops if a minor if a minor shows shows up atup the at door. the door.

KidsKids run run awayaway fromfrom home home all the all time. the time.

Where Where do they do they go? Igo? don’t I don’t knowknow any any movie movie that that can can helphelp either. either.

Well,Well, there’s there’s Wizard Wizard of Oz; of Oz; she runs she runs away.away.

Oh, Oh, and and E.T.,E.T., but they but they get caught. get caught.

I need— I need— *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* Someone’s Someone’s at the at the door.door.

Cat,Cat, backpack, backpack, and and out out the the back.back.

I know, I know, Londo.

Londo.

I don’t I don’t wantwant to gotoeither. go either.

Crud, Crud, I didn’t I didn’t eveneven change. change. ... ...

44 B i tBt eirt tSe rw Se etw eSety mph S y mph o nyo ny

TheyThey looklook happy. happy.

They’re They’re kindkind of funny of funny looking, looking, but they but they looklook happy. happy.

Father Father and and son, son, sharing sharing a meal a meal in a in crummy a crummy trucktruck stop.stop.

TheyThey don’tdon’t carecare about about the hundredthe hundredyear-yearold wood old wood paneling, paneling, or or all the all holes the holes in the in red the leatherette— red leatherette— my seat my seat lookslooks like like it’s been it’s been chewed chewed on by onabyhorse. a horse.

Maybe Maybe they’re they’re on aonroad a road trip. trip.

Driving Driving coastcoast to coast to coast and and stopping stopping everywhere. everywhere.

TheThe Brain Brain Museum.

Museum.

TheThe world’s world’s largest largest pistachio! pistachio!

Or maybe Or maybe the son’s the son’s going going to a to new a new school school and and DadDad is driving is driving himhim there. there.

A good A good school. school.

Like,Like, his his parents parents werewere superproud superproud when when he got hethe got letter, the letter, but he’s but he’s worried worried ’cause ’cause he won’t he won’t knowknow anyone anyone there. there.

Pa said Pa said I could I could probably probably go go to a to school a school like like that that if I really if I really wanted wanted to. Maybe to. Maybe they’re they’re going going to buy to buy a dog! a dog!

A Dalmatian.

A Dalmatian.

No, No, one one of those of those really really big ones big ones that that savesave people people afterafter an avalanche, an avalanche, and and theythey havehave to gotowhere go where there’s there’s snowsnow to get toone. get one.

Colorado Colorado . . . Maybe . . . Maybe theythey live right live right nextnext doordoor and and DadDad didn’t didn’t feel feel like like cooking. cooking.

Well,Well, whatever whatever they’re they’re doing, doing, they’re they’re having having a good a good timetime doing doing it. They’re it. They’re a family, a family, withwith food.food.

I should I should really really stop stop staring, staring, but that but that sweaty sweaty glassglass of of icediced tea looks tea looks darndarn yummy yummy rightright now.now.

So’s So’s the— the— I’m not I’m sure not sure if if it’s chicken it’s chicken or what, or what, but I’d butkill I’d for killthose for those mashed mashed potatoes, potatoes, and and gravy. gravy.

God,God, gravy. gravy.

I’m starving.

I’m starving.

Londo Londo peedpeed on the on Cheezthe CheezIts. Its. Bad Bad cat. cat.

I feelI feel like like I ain’t I ain’t sleptslept in a in month. a month.

I didI sleep, did sleep, though. though.

I slept I slept at the at the park,park, at the at the bus bus stop,stop, in that in that woman’s woman’s car when car when I wasI was

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hitchhiking. hitchhiking.

I slept I slept the whole the whole time.time.

It was It was supernice supernice of her of not her not to talk. to talk.

I’m I’m still still plumb plumb sleepy sleepy all the all the time.time.

Everything’s Everything’s slow,slow, and and hard,hard, like like walking walking through through snowsnow or molasses or molasses or something. or something.

I think I think I justI need just need food.food.

No food.

No food.

No father.

No father.

No home.

No home.

No money, No money, no clothes. no clothes.

Clothes Clothes would would be nice. be nice.

I ain’t I ain’t got friends got friends I canI can call,call, an aunt an aunt I could I could stay stay with.with.

I don’t I don’t knowknow where where I’m I’m going. going.

I don’t I don’t knowknow where where I’m I’m gonna gonna sleepsleep tonight. tonight.

I don’t I don’t knowknow howhow I’m gonna I’m gonna eat. Ieat. ain’t I ain’t got got a plan. a plan.

I really I really needneed a plan. a plan.

What What do I do got?

I got?

I gotI cops got cops chasing chasing me, me, and and Bruce Bruce Willis.

Willis.

He’sHe’s out there, out there, somewhere. somewhere.

AndAnd I gotI.got . . I.got . . Ifolks got folks shooting shooting otherother folksfolks like it’s liketurkey it’s turkey season, season, at a Christmas at a Christmas partyparty no less, no less, and and a hospital. a hospital.

What What kindkind of person of person shoots shoots up aup hospital? a hospital?

That’s That’s horrible! horrible!

EvenEven for afor mass a mass murderer. murderer.

Oh, Oh, I gotIagot catain cata in stinky a stinky backpack backpack and and no- nowhere where to lettohim let him loose. loose.

At least At least he stopped he stopped crying. crying.

He’sHe’s either either too too tiredtired or he’s or come he’s come to terms to terms withwith life’slife’s suckiness. suckiness.

PoorPoor thing. thing.

He just He just wants wants to sittoonsitPa’s on lap Pa’sand lap watch and watch TV. TV. He can’t He can’t anymore, anymore, but there but there has to hasbetosomething be something between between that that and and living living in a in bag. a bag.

Crud, Crud, I gotI something got something else else now.now.

I gotI agot waitress a waitress coming coming my my way way againagain and and still still no clue no clue howhow I’m supposed I’m supposed to get to myself get myself a a free free meal. meal.

Has Has “I found “I found a hair” a hair” eveneven worked worked in a in place a place like like this?this?

I mean, I mean, it’s got it’s lots got lots of things of things going going for it, forbut it, cleanliness but cleanliness ain’tain’t one one of them. of them.

I been I been in the in bathroom. the bathroom.

Also,Also, the waitress the waitress lookslooks nice,nice, eveneven withwith a black a black eye. eye.

I wish I wish I knew I knew whatwhat happened happened to her. to her.

Maybe Maybe not. not.

Anyway, Anyway, I’ll feel I’ll feel bad bad if sheif ends she ends up footing up footing the bill. the bill.

What What do they do they do indomovies? in movies?

I seen I seen Down Down and and Out Out in Beverly in Beverly Hills,Hills, but Ibut ain’t I ain’t digging digging through through this this place’s place’s trash. trash.

Ewww.

Ewww.

No No way.way.

I need I need to eat, to though. eat, though.

Maybe Maybe I should I should just just tell her tell her everything. everything.

“Hi!“Hi! I’m aI’mwanted a wanted fugitive fugitive running running fromfrom the police, the police, and and the Army.” the Army.”

Plenty Plenty of folks of folks hiding hiding fromfrom the cops, the cops, but Ibut gotIthe got Army the Army on my ontail. my tail.

I’m aI’m special a special kindkind of fugitive. of fugitive.

Anyway, Anyway, I’d really I’d really like like to eattosomething eat something before before I I

F O RF O TR H ET H F IER FS ITR T ST I MTEI ,MAEG, AAIGNA I N

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25

walkwalk backback to the to highway the highway and and hopehope to God to God I don’t I don’t get picked get picked up up

by Jack

by Jack the Ripper. the Ripper.

Also,Also, I can’t I can’t pay. pay. . . . Yeah, . . . Yeah, right.right.

I’m better I’m better off fioff nding finding a hair. a hair.

What What if I fiifnd I fiand whole a whole strand strand of hair? of hair?

She’sShe’s here.here.

Make Make up your up your mind, mind, Aster!

Aster!

—You —You going going to eat tosomething, eat something, dear?dear?

—I .— . .I I. was . . I was waiting waiting for my for dad. my dad.

He .He .. ...

—You —You said said that that twenty twenty minutes minutes ago. ago.

You You all right, all right, honey? honey?

Ha! Ha! No. No. I’m not I’m all notright. all right.

I’m broke, I’m broke, and and starving starving and and scared. scared.

I justI want just want someone someone to say: to say: “Everything “Everything is going is going to betofibe ne,”fine,” and and hug hug me, me, hug hug me so metight so tight I can’t I can’t breathe. breathe.

I want I want a hota shower. hot shower.

I I wantwant cleanclean socks. socks.

I want I want someone someone to take to take me home me home and and give give me me a bed. a bed.

WillWill you you do that do that for me, for me, lady?lady?

WillWill you you take take me home me home withwith you?you?

Right.

Right.

I didn’t I didn’t thinkthink so. so.

—I .— . .I . . .

—You —You don’tdon’t havehave any money, any money, do you? do you?

—.— .. ...

—Tell —Tell you you what.what.

It’s on It’sthe on house. the house.

—Really?

—Really?

—Free —Free mealmeal on your on your birthday! birthday!

It’s your It’s your birthday, birthday, right? right?

—I— —I— —Oh, —Oh, for Christ’s for Christ’s sake!sake!

Just Just say yes. say yes.

NodNod or something. or something.

—Yes? —Yes? —HEY, —HEY, Y’ALL! Y’ALL! BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY GIRL GIRL HERE! HERE! WHOO! WHOO! What What can can I getIyou, get you, hon?hon?

Anything Anything you you want.want.

—Can —Can I have I have whatwhat they’re they’re having? having?

—Good —Good call.call.

CARL! CARL! ONE ONE CHICKENCHICKENFRIED FRIED STEAK! STEAK! Anything Anything to drink? to drink?

—Iced —Iced tea? tea?

—Coming —Coming rightright up. up.

—Excuse —Excuse me, me, ma’am? ma’am?

WhyWhy are you are you doing doing this?this?

—Only —Only two two kindskinds of people of people coming coming through through here.here.

Those Those go- going someplace, ing someplace, and and thosethose running running fromfrom someplace. someplace.

I figure I figure if if

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S y l vSayil nv aNi en uNv e u l vel

you you catchcatch a break a break now,now, maybe maybe nextnext timetime I seeI you, see you, you’ll you’ll be the be the kindkind going going someplace. someplace.

—Thank —Thank you,you, ma’am. ma’am.

—You’re —You’re welcome. welcome.

Just help Just help someone someone else else when when they’re they’re down, down, okay?okay?

AndAnd a bitaofbitadvice: of advice: See See that that big man big man overover therethere shining shining the gum the gum machine? machine?

That’s That’s my boss. my boss.

Don’t Don’t let him let him see the see cat. the cat.

—Yes, —Yes, ma’am! ma’am!

You You hearhear that,that, Londo?

Londo?

You You havehave to stay to stay in the in the bag. bag.

I’ll let I’llyou let you out in outthe in parking the parking lot, Ilot, promise.

I promise.

—Be—right Be right backback withwith youryour icediced tea. Nice tea. Nice costume, costume, by the by way. the way.

I love I love Sailor Sailor Moon!

Moon!

—Thanks!

—Thanks!

Finally!

Finally!

Still,Still, I really I really needneed new new clothes. clothes.

55 C r iCmir inmi a ln a l

I been I been on aon downward a downward spiralspiral the past the past couple couple days.days.

VeryVery downdownward, ward, moremore like alike straight a straight line line to the to ground. the ground.

I didn’t I didn’t thinkthink I hadI had it in itme. in me.

I wasI was readyready to give to give up, surrender up, surrender to the to cops, the cops, or Bruce or Bruce Willis.

Willis.

I would I would havehave without without that that chickenchickenfriedfried steak. steak.

I’m glad I’m glad I I didn’t didn’t ’cause ’cause now?now?

NowNow I think I think I gotI it. gotI went it. I went to Sears. to Sears.

I made I made it allitthe all way the way to Houston to Houston yesterday. yesterday.

I hitchhike I hitchhike at night at night now.now.

I figured I figured that that out last out night, last night, hitchhiking. hitchhiking.

I gotI on gotI-on 10 Iand 10 and this this old man old man picked picked me up me right up right away.away.

He said He said he fihe xedfixed copycopy machines machines for afor living, a living, which which sounded sounded interesting, interesting, but Ibut wasI was so so tiredtired I asked I asked if heifminded he minded me sleeping. me sleeping.

TheThe passenger passenger seat seat re- reclines clines almost almost all the all way. the way.

It’s free, It’s free, and and you you onlyonly havehave one one person person to worry to worry about, about, not like not like everyone everyone when when I slept I slept in the in park. the park.

I gotI got four four hours hours of rest of and rest and I crossed I crossed two two statestate lines.lines.

I don’t I don’t thinkthink the the copscops will will looklook for me for here. me here.

I ranI out ran of outa of hospital; a hospital; that that shouldn’t shouldn’t put me put on meAmerica’s on America’s MostMost Wanted, Wanted, right? right?

Right.

Right.

TheThe old man old man dropped dropped me at methe at mall, the mall, like like I asked.

I asked.

FirstFirst timetime I ever I ever wentwent without without Pa. He Pa. used He used to give to give me money me money and and a lista of list of things. things.

He’dHe’d dropdrop me off meand off and wait wait in the incar. the Hours car. Hours if need if need be, he be, he didn’t didn’t care.care.

Anything Anything not to notgotoin. goPa in.hated Pa hated shopping, shopping, like like hatedhated hated. hated.

He went He went on and on on andabout on about howhow dumb dumb SearsSears was for wasstopping for stopping theirtheir catalog. catalog. . . . It. .was . It weird was weird not having not having him him there. there.

I might I might havehave criedcried a little. a little.

I wasI was hungry hungry like like a biga dog big dog afterwards, afterwards, so I so walked I walked

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all around all around the food the food courtcourt looking looking for free for free samples. samples.

It was It was breakbreakfast, fast, though. though.

TheyThey nevernever give give samples samples for breakfast. for breakfast.

I shopped I shopped for for clothes clothes instead. instead.

I hadI had no money, no money, but the but shopping the shopping part part was fun. was fun.

I I felt normal felt normal for an forhour an hour or two. or two.

I found I found an STP an STP shirtshirt at the at record the record store,store, a nice a nice one.one.

I found I found goodgood jeans, jeans, triedtried themthem on and on and all. Oh, all. Oh, and and a bag, a bag, to put to money put money in if in I ever if I ever got more got more money money thanthan it cost it cost to buy to buy the bag. the bag.

Shopping Shopping tooktook longer longer thanthan I thought.

I thought.

It was It was past past noonnoon by the bytime the time I made I made it back it back to the tofood the food court. court.

I took I took my sweet my sweet time.time.

I walked I walked slooooow, slooooow, readread all the all menus, the menus, smiled smiled at everyone. at everyone.

All IAll gotI was got was a piece a piece of chicken of chicken the size the size of a of grape a grape and and an iced an iced coffee coffee I didn’t I didn’t want,want, but itbut looked it looked like like it had it had chocolate chocolate in it in so itI so I tooktook it anyway. it anyway.

I thought I thought I might I might faintfaint I wasI so washungry. so hungry.

I sat Idown sat down at a table at a table for two for two and and I noticed I noticed the butt the butt end end of a of burrito a burrito sitting sitting in in a tray a tray at the at table the table nextnext to me. to me.

It was It was full full of lipstick. of lipstick.

Supergross.

Supergross.

Then Then I sawI another saw another tray with tray with foodfood in it,inand it, and another. another.

I don’t I don’t knowknow what’s what’s wrong wrong withwith people. people.

I always I always bringbring backback the tray. the tray.

I gotIdizzy got dizzy looking looking at allatthe allhalfthe halfeateneaten foodfood everywhere everywhere and that’s and that’s whenwhen I sawI saw it. Nachos. it. Nachos.

A plateful A plateful of them. of them.

Like,Like, whoever whoever sat there sat there got agot phone a phone call or callhad or had a heart a heart attack. attack.

Oh, Oh, and and two wings, two wings, but the but nachos! the nachos!

It’s It’s the perfect the perfect food!food!

You You don’tdon’t touchtouch a nacho a nacho chipchip unless unless you’re you’re going going to eattoit.eat It’sit.because It’s because of the ofcheese. the cheese.

No one No wants one wants to touch to touch cheese cheese if if theythey don’tdon’t havehave to, not to, when not when all you all get youisget this is one this one napkin. napkin.

Wings Wings are sort are of sort the ofsame, the same, I guess.

I guess.

It’s aIt’s weekday, a weekday, so there so there wasn’t wasn’t anyone anyone my age my at age the atfood the food court, court, but Ibut talked I talked to antoold ancouple— old couple— theythey werewere nice— nice— and and the lady the lady whowho cleans cleans tables tables afterafter I brought I brought backback all the all the trays.trays.

ThenThen I went I went to Sears. to Sears.

Well,Well, first,fiIrst, found I found an old an newspaper old newspaper lyinglying on aon bench. a bench.

I went I went to the to Sears the Sears entrance entrance and and I threw I threw the the newspaper newspaper in the in trash. the trash.

I said I said somesome cusscuss words words out loud out loud and and I I dovedove into into the bin thelooking bin looking for receipts. for receipts.

I found I found a butt a butt loadload of them. of them.

Cheap Cheap stuff,stuff, mostly. mostly.

A lipstick A lipstick here,here, a braathere. bra there.

AndAnd boom! boom!

NextNext

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to a to McDonald’s a McDonald’s cup,cup, jackpot. jackpot.

I walked I walked in, went in, went straight straight to the to the sporting sporting goods goods section, section, and and asked asked for the for Fila the Fila Jr. golf Jr. golf set. They set. They werewere all out. all out.

TheyThey did have did have the Pierre the Pierre Cardin Cardin 4 Piece 4 Piece Luggage Luggage Set at Set$99.99— at $99.99— that that thingthing is humongous!— is humongous!— and and the Sixteen the Sixteen Min-Minute Digital ute Digital Voice Voice Recorder Recorder for $49.99. for $49.99.

I stopped I stopped to look to look at the at the telescopes telescopes for afor minute— a minute— I want I want one one so bad— so bad— but you but can’t you can’t really really looklook at anything at anything in the in store. the store.

I ripped I ripped off the off suitcase the suitcase tags tags in the in the bathroom, bathroom, dragged dragged my butt my butt straight straight to Customer to Customer Service, Service, and and asked asked for afor refund. a refund.

I wasI was so nervous so nervous I liketa I liketa peedpeed myself. myself.

TheThe lady lady asked asked if myif mother my mother was was withwith me. me.

I toldI told her she her was she was buying buying me something me something for my forbirthday my birthday and and I couldn’t I couldn’t be there be there because because it it was was a surprise a surprise so I was so I was taking taking carecare of this of this for her. for her.

I wasn’t I wasn’t suresure if if I made I made any sense. any sense.

MustMust have;have; she said she said it was it was sweetsweet of me of to mehelp to help my mother my mother out, out, howhow she she wished wished her her daughter daughter did things did things like like that,that, but she but doesn’t she doesn’t eveneven call call ’cause ’cause she’sshe’s too busy too busy taking taking carecare of that of that lazy lazy no-good no-good boyfriend boyfriend of hers. of hers.

“Here’s “Here’s youryour money, money, dear.dear.

HaveHave yourself yourself a nice a nice day.”day.”

I did!

I did!

I hadI had a great a great day. day.

I went I went to the to movies. the movies.

Galaxy Galaxy Quest Quest just just camecame out. out.

I gotI butter got butter on my on popcorn, my popcorn, the real the real deal.deal.

It was It was awesome. awesome.

I loveI love Sigourney Sigourney Weaver, Weaver, and and the guy the guy whowho onlyonly playsplays villains villains was was in it,inbut it, he butwasn’t he wasn’t a villain. a villain.

He was He was supposed supposed to beto be supersmart supersmart but wasn’t, but wasn’t, but then but then he was. he was.

AndAnd I thought: I thought: me too! me too!

I’m aI’m genius. a genius.

I’m aI’m branda brandnew-newjeansjeansand-andSTP-STPT-shirtT-shirtwearing wearing genius. genius.

I threw I threw my Sailor my Sailor Moon Moon costume costume in the in trash. the trash.

I liked I liked it a it a lot, but lot, itbut smelled it smelled funny. funny.

I have I have forty-fortysix dollars six dollars and and thirtythirtythreethree centscents in my in shiny my shiny new new bag. bag.

Also,Also, I ate.I The ate. The best best part part is I have is I have a a plan,plan, sort sort of. I of. canI can go from go from SearsSears to Sears to Sears all the all way the way to Califorto California. nia.

I never I never seenseen the ocean. the ocean.

I lived I lived by the by ocean, the ocean, but itbut was it called was called gulf,gulf, not ocean. not ocean.

This’ll This’ll be my befimy rst fi ocean rst ocean ocean. ocean.

Everyone Everyone on TV on TV says says theythey moved moved to L.A. to L.A. when when theythey werewere superyoung, superyoung, so maybe so maybe I canI can find fiwork nd work there, there, if I lie if Iabout lie about my age. my age.

If not, If not, at least at least it’ll be it’ll be