AND SO IT BEGINS... THE EARLY STAGE OF ABUSES

And So It Begins... THE EARLY STAGES OF ABUSE by Laura Moseley

Whether you are a victim of abuse or a survivor, inevitably, you will be asked, “Why did you stay?” or “How did this start?” In being totally honest with the person asking the question, you would have to say, “It started like a fairy tale,” which is the most shocking fact to both the person asking the question and the person who experienced the abuse.

All intimate relationships start out with both parties showing the best parts of themselves. So, that will always seem completely normal. However, the abuser, who is typically all about power and control, will be starting out being so supportive of his/her significant other, and also showering tion and thoughtfulness is how they appear so adoring (as illustrated in the abuser’s Wheel of Control image). It is brought on so swiftly and rained down on their victim such that the victim

their feet, not realizing that they are being groomed for exploitation. The victim, not yet knowing he/she is a victim, forms a deep attachment to such a kind, thoughtful individual, who is making them feel loved and cared for, but more importantly, feel a false sense of protection.

The abuser’s grooming falls within the Adoration phase of the abuser’s cycle, but falls within the Fantasy Setup part of the Victim’s Cycle of Abuse diagram. Sometimes, this is called “Love Bombing,” because of all of the positive and loving things happening. To the victim, this can include, but

is not limited to: gift giving, constant compliments, swift and constant physical intimacy, talking about their “future together,” frequent/ daily calls and texts, etc. All of these seem normal and desired by the victim. However, there is so much “showering of love” that the victim does not notice a few things that are truly not normal in a loving relationship: A) how quickly this is occurring, and B) the victim’s life is being infiltrated and no mention of the abuser’s life. The focus is solely on the grooming, or really blinding the victim to the abuser’s personal past and lack of true empathy, much like the enigma of a magician.

It’s not until the “honeymoon” phase of the abuser and victim’s relationship starts to fade that the proverbial cracks in the abuser’s story start to show. When the victim starts to question things like, “Why don’t we ever do things with your friends/family?” or “Why do we have to keep our relationship secret?” that the grooming starts to become harder and more aggressive for the abuser. The victim wanting to know more about the abuser because they are now committed to the relationship, starts to build tension. The abuser starts throwing “trust issues” around: “Don’t you trust me? I trust you completely. I can’t believe you don’t trust me. You must not care about me.” This should start the red flags, but instead it draws the victim closer to the abuser; the desire for the initial “honeymoon” phase is still burning. They still hope to enjoy that adoration they felt in the beginning. In fact, they will do anything for the abuser’s approval. Abusers normally withhold the approval to further strengthen the bond between them and the victim. This bond has a more sinister name than “love” or “relationship” -- it starts the trauma bond. That, sadly, is strengthened further once more intense and varied abuse starts. This cycle can cause the victim to become almost addicted, much like to those illegal drugs.