BUT GOD KEPT ME

BUT GOD KEPT ME y father decided he would move on and start another family, so I didn’t get the experience M of my father showing me how a man was to treat his woman. Instead, I witnessed how a man was abusing his woman, that woman was my mother. I witnessed that for about 7 years until my mother had enough and decided to move us back to NY. That was when I encountered my first experience of abuse, 19 years old with a 5-year-old child and 1 on the way. From this man taking my money and leaving me with nothing to support myself and my child, to dragging me across the floor because he could not find a lighter, or he could not get more money for his drugs. The abuse stopped when he went to prison, and I moved south, to start a new life with 2 children and another on the way.

I am now 22 years old. I moved south, living with Section 8, started my first job ever which was referred to me from my Social Service worker. I also obtained my license at 21 and was blessed with my first vehicle from Social Service. I then was on my way to becoming ‘Ms. Independent,’ did not have to depend on anyone to take care of myself nor my children anymore. Although I did not have a vehicle, I managed to go to work when scheduled. It was a struggle because the cab was never on time. This led my children and I to be interviewed by the local newspaper, I did not mind because to me it was inspiration for others who felt like giving up or didn’t know how they were going to make it.

Through it all, I knew God will never forsake me and He was always by my side. However, I used to ask God why, why me. As I got older, became wiser, looked to God for answers, He then told me why me! I was a single mother for a long time which caused me to become vulnerable, and I then decided to allow that same man back in my life whom I had one child from. I listened to him say he changed and I believed him. I shortly after became pregnant with my youngest child, this was my 5th baby. Time was going by and no signs of the abuse, so I thought he really did change, I was sadly mistaken. Around my 6th month of pregnancy, the abuse started happening again, this time it was worse than the first. I kept saying I was going to leave; I was going to call the law and never did. He promised he would never do it again, he promised he would change but the beatings kept coming. The punches on the head, the dragging on the floor, the being thrown into the wall, the busted lips, the black/purple/pink eyes, the knots, the broken finger, the near-death experience kept going.

Every time I believed him, it got worse! I tried hiding it from my family, but they found out. My mother would try to call the law, but I would stop her. I thought this man loved me, I thought he was the only one that loved me. I mean, after all he slandered my family’s name to me, told me they did not care, they did not love me. This man had started a family feud. Talking about esteem, I had none; my hair was a mess, the way I dress was a mess, but he was always dressed. I better not dare defend myself, my children, and my family. I better not dare stay at the store longer then he thought I should; I better not dare tell him I did not have any money for his drugs that was a beating. My mother cried many days, my father was not around, and I kept saying I would leave but I stayed.

Then one day, I had enough; enough was enough. I stood up for myself, I said I will no longer live in this bondage with this demon. My children and I are going to be set free, free from the abuse, set free from this man taking my womanhood and then telling me I could not tell him no, my God! I packed my stuff, I told him I have had enough. I turned to a friend who then got my children and I a place to live, helped me pack up all our things and move; I never looked back.

So, I understand why victims did not tell, I understand why they wouldn’t leave but I’m here to say it’s not OK. I won’t judge, but abuse, domestic or sexual, is NOT OK!! I decided October 2016 I wanted to make a difference in the lives of those affected by abuse and even our sisters that have survived abuse like you and me. I feel together we can all make a difference to those that have no hope, that feel no one

understands, that being told they’re not loved, and that they’re not enough. It has been 6 years as of today and up until about 2 months ago, I was still having nightmares not just of the guy who abused me, but also seeing my mother still being abused. Talking about waking up in tears, that feeling, not understanding why would I still be having nightmares? I prayed and prayed but I finally found comfort in God’s word and knew this too was part of the process so that I can help others heal and be set free. My story was not for me, it was not about me and it is still not about me. It’s about the lives that will heal, the lives that will be changed from the many stories, including mine that will be shared. To God I will always give the glory; He knows the best for us. We think we know best, but God truly knows the best. He is already where we are going. God has already paved the way, that vision He gave you, he has already made the provision. Try not to ponder on why me?! God, why me?! Why not you? Continue to pray, ask for guidance, understanding. I can tell you, it is not about you; it is about the many lives that will be set free. God chose you and that is amazing! Look in the mirror and say, “God chose me!” You are more than enough! You are not just a survivor but an overcomer of whatever trial and tribulation you have encountered. See, to survive means that you have coped well with difficulties, but to overcome means you have gained the victory. When you say, “I survived,” be careful as to which you are using and

know the difference. When you overcome domestic violence or sexual abuse, that means you have forgiven the abuser, you have come to understanding as to why you have experienced this act of violence and now able to go share your story in helping others to not only survive but become overcomers as well. I used to say I was a survivor until I did a research of the meaning of both words and had a better understanding as to what the word of God states pertaining to this. So let us get educated. Are you an overcomer or survivor? I experienced what some would call ‘life at a young age’ and did not understand why. I figured because I was only 16, I should not have gone through trials but God had a plan. Even at the young age of 16, God had a plan, a master plan for my life. I did not understand or know why but God had a plan. It is true, everything does happen for a reason. It took years for me to finally realize and understand that God had a plan for my life even when I did not realize it, when I was experiencing what I thought was life, thought it was the worst thing ever and even asked God ‘why me?’ continuously. It was not until I had a near-death experience with my abuser at the time that I really began my relationship with God and really began to understand why. I had totally lost myself, no self-esteem, did not have a clue of what God desired or had destined for me to be or do. But God saw the best in me when even I did not see the good in me. God loved me when even I did not love myself. When I thought no one else loved me, He loved me. We should come to the realization that all things happen for a reason and in God’s timing, not ours. If He knows what is best for us, then of course, things will happen in His time, not ours. We might think it is time to make a big purchase but if God does not see it fit, then it will not happen because it is in His timing, not ours. We seem to forget this a lot because we are humans and we would like things when we think it is best for us. But remember, in God’s time, not ours. I began thinking about when I was dealing with this, how certain services were not available to me, and how I wanted to help others be free, to survive and overcome. I will continue to fight until we all have not only survived but overcame. Domestic violence does not just affect us but our children as well. Some of the abusers are those same individuals that were once children and did not have a positive father figure in their lives, or maybe they saw their parents being abused, or even have been abused themselves. So when we continuously go through this and allow our children to see this violent acts as well, it affects them in several ways. My children experienced not only seeing me go through domestic violence but a few of my children have gone through violence themselves. Some things are generational curse because I saw my mother go through abuse and then my mother saw her mother go through abuse and then my great grandmother went through abuse too. It not only affected them but the children as well and this has been an ongoing issue in not just my immediate family but generations before me. We must learn how to pray, pray, pray if that is not something we are already doing. Nobody but God will bring us through our trials and tribulations. The moral of the story is, despite what we face, know that everything happens for a reason and in God’s timing, not ours. Know that your story is not for you, but to share it so you can help someone else become free and not only survive but overcome. Always pray and put God first in all that you do.