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Going On At Luke’s

March 2011, Issue 5



s Lukies we love a challenge and some friendly Banter. We are also gifted with sporting prowess and ludicrous amounts of free time in our first year. These components are directly responsible for the creation of and participation in a group of specialised adapted activities we like to call Corridor Games! This issue of GOAL will take an in-depth look at games, such as Corridor Cricket, that took up so much of our valuable study time, while living in University Halls of Residence along with other, less conventional pasttimes. A prior warning, take

care to avoid Resident Tutors or disciplinaries may follow. Corridor Cricket A common favourite of Cloister’s Residents for centuries, many academic scholars at St. Luke’s College have been known to bring their favourite Quad Game indoors in the winter months. This has so far resulted in 17 broken windows, 2 lost teeth, 1 broken finger and 7 ingested testicles. Since 1882 the standard cricket ball has been replaced by a slightly more forgiving tennis ball, which has helped with popularity as the best known and most popular corridor game, with ambassadors such as Brett

horrorscopes the efficiency of man lukies on camera australia lukie-likies au report

Richmond promoting the sport, despite massive lack of ability. Conversely, Richard Winsley is known to hold the St. Luke’s record for Corridor Cricket with an unbelievable performance that W.G.Grace would be proud of; scoring 501 not out, 15th Feb 1990 in the Cloisters stretch of corridor from room 1-19. He finally retired after an 11hour innings due to his presence being required by the current PM., Margaret Thatcher.

Disclaimer: This paper applauds controversy, encourages jovial abuse and at times, lacks political correctness. Please take it in the spirit it is intended, it’s just a bit of Lukie fun full of light-hearted banter which will hopefully do nothing but demonstrate why at the end of the day, everyone wants to be a Lukie… enjoy!

continued from front page… Dodgeball A very energetic and painful game. All doors towards one end of the corridor should be wedged open, and all-but-one participant (ideally 3-6 Lukies) start in the rooms. One person starts at the other end with a ball, we advise something soft and tennis ball sized, but depending on how sadistic you are feeling, why not use a golf ball. Chicks dig bruises. When hit, you’re out and it’s your turn to throw. Hopping in and out of the rooms, especially the closer ones to the thrower will give you an adrenalin rush comparable to that of a danger wank. Bumball This is a newly developed, extremely simple but brilliant corridor game. It involves using a stretch of corridor and a standard size 5 FIFA Regulation Football, 71cm (28inchs), 400450g (14-16 oz), 8-12 Psi at sea level. Two participants position themselves at either end of the corridor and take it in turns to kick the ball, along the floor, and try to hit the closed door behind their opponent. The aim of the game – as the name might

suggest – is therefore to stop this happening by sitting on the ball, often with disastrous and hilarious consequences! You can try the straight down squat or sideways sit, but should you mistime your descent it’ll be your coccyx which takes the blow. Grubber Nutter For all those budding rugby players, thought you couldn’t practice those cheeky grubber kicks indoors? Think again. This is GOAL’s all-time favourite corridor game. It really separates the men from the boys, with a vast history of recorded concussion, impotencies and even castrations; compete at your own risk! The brave Nutters must stand at either end of the corridor and alternately release grubber kicks (those pesky unpredictably bouncy ones a back might split the line with) aiming straight for the crown jewels. The ball will repeatedly bounce low to the ground, until it slows and spikes upwards viciously. If at this point the ball should strike the Noggin or Gonads of the unlucky bugger the game is over. At this point it is customary for

a pitch invasion with chanting and singing to surround the Champion, as the pathetic loser squeals in pain on the floor and is robbed of at least one variety of bodily fluid. What’s all the Fuss about? For the real thrills, make sure you close your eyes when it’s not your turn, with no knowledge of your impending humiliation, it makes it all the better for spectators. For those of you looking for something a little bit more crude, why not try Knock– and–Moon an especially cheeky practical joke; similar to Knock– and–Run. However, instead of fleeing like an immature child, you rotate through 180˚, submit any lower body clothing to the force of gravity and enjoy the horrified reaction of any victims forced to make eye contact with your overgrown analbeard. That concludes this brief investigation into one of our many long historical traditions, which every year produces new fruit. If you have any additional information on Corridor games or any Lukie related topic of interest, we’d love to hear from you, email

the Mike Hislop


a lot of ways, Australia represents an Anti-Christ to us Brits. For example, Russell Crowe and Mark Bosnich are big time over there, Home and Away and Neighbours are their answer to Eastenders and Corrie, a game of footie involves running with the ball in your hands, Cane toad golf (selfexplanatory) and kangaroo

A semester in the antipodes beating are considered respectable past-times, not to mention the open cheating in sport whenever we seem to meet. But by far the most criminal is that they don’t serve beer in pint glasses, let alone a cheeky cider black. Instead, the humble “schooner” (or ¾ pint glass to you and I), must suffice as a drinking vessel. In a

pint glass, the amber nectar warms up too quickly according to them, hence their belief that we like warm beer. Now I’m a little sceptical of their reasoning for this, especially in the context of bolting. I firmly believe, unless you are a direct relation to one Brett Richmond, said beverage will not be in the glass for long enough to warm up anyway. However, all is not lost. For those of you who like to dabble in the wine for a pre-lash, they do offer a little gem of an offer of a party sack of 4 litres of goon (cheap wine) for AU$ 10 (around 7.50) that does the job. But, for all the shortcomings, Aussies do live the life. End of a week in the lecture theatre means three things.... beach, beer, and barbeque. Add the odd Saturday night footie match at the SCG and you’ve got a perfect weekend. Banter generally only got as far as “we’re gonna flog you in the ashes” and we all know how that ended. Finally, a small word of advice should you find yourself down under: stay clear of the Wombats, they’ll have your leg off in an instant.

Are you lookin’ at my beer?


10-4pm: RAG presents... VINTAGE FROCKS AND FAIRY CAKES, including stalls by Frock Off and Relevant. @ the Lemmy 8pm : SPEED DATING in the Lemmy!


12-4pm: RUN RAGGED – RAG’s very own fun run around campus. £2 Entry per team member, £2 Entry for Individual Fancy Dress Race. 10pm: MASK-ERADE CLUB NIGHT @ Arena – Tickets £3






12-4pm: RAG does THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY in Cornwall House. 7pm: OOMPA LOOMPA PUB CRAWL Start: CROSS KEYS for LUKIES Finish: Rococos Ticket: £4, T-shirt: £7 Ticket and T-shirt: £10



9am-2pm: Willy Wonka’s Hangover Cure @ the Lemmy 5pm: CARDIFF RAID (see facebook) RAG DOES THE NAKED PUB QUIZ in the LEMMY!

TICKETS ON SALE: - Available at the Lemmy Box Office - MON 28th FEB at Vintage Frocks and Fairy Cakes (Lemmy) - From FREPS in halls

(All Representing our prestigious Campus with Dignity)


by George Jafari

Chapter One All efficiency of movement requires knowledge of how to avoid unnecessary movements within your daily life. The following is a list of guidelines to help in the pursuit of maximum efficiency of movement.




12 hours sleep is a must. If you’ve got in from a club at 3.30am this requires sleeping until 3.30pm the next day. This is often, mistakenly referred to as sleeping off the hangover, but in order to achieve maximum efficiency of movement the best activities to undertake are those which require minimal or no effort, of which sleeping is one. When walking through town it is important to understand that all objectives must be achieved in the order they appear. For example, backtracking is a big faux pas as it requires repetition of previously undertaken movements and thus affects efficiency. The shortest route between two points is a straight line. Usually this seems a logical route to take, however, obstacles often prevent this action. Those that are particularly adept at achieving maximum efficiency of movement will seek the shortest route possible, even if this

means crossing a busy road or walking directly through a shop. As explained by Jafari, “If your route is on a diagonal path, then take a diagonal path.” 4.

Buses and taxis are your best friend. Public transport was designed to lessen the effort required by a person to reach their destination. You even get to sit down so it doesn’t require balance.


If a friend suffers difficulty then common decency suggests you offer them aid. Those experienced in the art of movement efficiency follow common sense, which suggests helping them would slow you down or make you retrace your steps, hence a simple look in their direction and laughing will suffice.


Take a lesson from the elderly and disabled. Wheelchairs and electric shopping carts are the way forward.

uncanny resemblances between lukies and the famous

3rd Year Lukie Tom Withers

Chicago rapper Eminem

2nd Year Sposts Scientist Joe Moriarty

2nd Year Sports Scientist Carl Plinston

Wild Thornberrys Darwin

Augie Farks (Role Models) aka. McLovin’ (Superbad)

Lukie Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.

Remember: Attack is the best form of defence, although this won’t hold up in court.


All work and no play makes Jack a schlad. Avoid Jack.



Flattery will get you nowhere, but it’ll get you a lot further than flatulence

Many a little, makes a mickle; Many a mickle, makes a muckle. Think about it.




If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; If life deals you melons, make melonade. Beggers should not be choosers, as they are poorly educated and not good at making decisions.


You are optimistic, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Too bad you have no talent.

Behind every great man is a great woman, until the selfish b*tch runs off with his money, the kids and a jiff!



Good things come to those who wait, but if I were you I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Uranus has come into view, close your curtains.




Beauty is only skin deep, people are ugly if you cut all their skin off.


rag update

here’s Loadsa Great Stuff coming up with RAG… Exeter’s Got Talent … starting Tuesday 22nd Feb Take Me Out: Lukie Edition in CROSS KEYS 5th March all profits going to Comic Relief, presented by our very own: BRETT RICHMOND. Email to sign up or check out our facebook group via St. Luke’s RAG page.

Hope everyone’s picked up their I LOVE BOP T-shirts from the Info Point in Xkeys… £10… all profits go to Diabetes UK in memory of Andy Vickers. Also, the infamous RAG WEEK II PUBCRAWL will now be leaving from CROSS KEYS and THE RAM. This year’s theme is OOMPA LUMPA’s! We’ll be meeting the pesky jiffs in Town at Timepiece and then travelling on to Rococo’s. So grab yourself a

ticket ASAP and we’ll show them how to do it! That’s all for now, check out the RAG week page in this week’s GOAL and our brand spanking new noticeboard! Oh and if you’re feeling generous there’s now collection pots for RAG on Cross Keys bar / coffee shop and the Print Shop across the Quad! Thanks! Sam Grace St. Luke’s RAG Co-ordinator

RAG & Community action • Get involved // get volunteering!

Another new addition to GOAL allows you, the everyday fun loving Lukie to write freely about their experiences on the un-disbuted best campus in the land. We • • • • •

want to hear your drunken stories; inter-murual match reports; Bop reviews; rants about poor Lukies and shanter, anything that will bring joy, happiness and a cheeky snigger to all who read it.

Again, if you fancy spending a little bit of the mammoth quantities of free time you have available writing a banterful article instead of playing corridor games or causing general mischief in your mates room, then please get cracking, and then send it to or es317@

If you want to win the Raffle, you have to buy a ticket…


Josh Belsher, AU President


n a week that has been gripped by election fever, the AU has been no different, a record of votes cast between 5 candidates standing for the highly sort role of AU president hot seat. It was superb to see that the five candidates representing four different clubs in the elections from Hockey, Rugby Union, Netball and Golf. It was a close fought competition which in the end saw Beth Hampson coming out on top. Huge congratulations to Beth who was ever present on campus for the whole week and I am sure will do a superb job as AU president next year. Also I would like to extend commiserations to the other candidates who fought brave campaigns and I would have been confident that any of the 5 candidates would have done a great job, I would like to wish them all the best next year with whatever they chose to do. Over the last week we still had several high profile BUCS fixtures being played and I was lucky enough to be part of the Men’s Tennis 2’s battle against Brighton 1’s. After five hours, and all six rubbers saw the match all square at 6-points all. It went down to the sudden death tie break were Ben Harries turned on the style to win the first rubber. Brighton

pulled level with a close fought game coming from behind to beat me, and Dan Preston and Christy Newby ran away with the deciding shoot out 102 to go through to the next round at home to Gloucester. A place in the semi’s beckoning. From the other sports we saw a thrilling finale to the women’s hockey 1s last sixteen match, a superb solo effort of seasoned pro just before the half time whistle saw the Nottingham forward come inside two Exeter defenders and stroke a fine shot into the keepers top corner, fortunately it didn’t affect the final score with Exeter running away 51 winners and Exeter forward Amy Goalmasheehan adding another 2 goals to her seasons tally. The Men’s Hockey 1’s beat Sheffield Hallam like the women running away 5-1 winners, this was a deserved result the boys playing some liquid hockey. A special shout out must go to Alex Jakeman who put in a gargantuan performance despite competing early in the week in the UK break dancing finals in Wolverhampton. Unfortunately for Alex is finished dead last. Congratulations to our Rugby League 1s and 2s teams who continued their fantastic seasons

wrapping up both their respective leagues in style. The 1’s are still maintaining a 100% winning record! Good Luck against Loughborough. Exciting news from the Rowing club, we can now confirm that club captain Luke Dillon has managed to secure the services of Peter Andre for an intense six weeks abdominal strengthening programme in Eastern Slovakia. First 8s captain S. Swadling was quoting in saying “he is not looking forward to the programme as he is currently very overweight.” Lastly, on Sunday 6th March we will be hosting a HUGE 6-a-side football tournament. ‘The Grecian Shield’, held in conjunction with Exeter City Football Club and our own Football Club will take place on the Rubber Crumb and Sand Astro right here on campus. PHENOMENAL prizes up for grabs, including a table for 12 in VIP Hospitality at an Exeter City League match and free tshirt for all competitors! Entry costs just £40 per team with a maximum squad size of 10 (just £4 per person including your t-shirt!!) Places are limited so sign up soon to get your choice of country!! To register come up to the AU Office in the Sports Park.

GOAL March 2011  

March's edition of St. Luke's favourite monthly mag.