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Going On At Luke’s

A

s we all know, tuitions fees are on the rise with Exeter, and other lesser universities, declaring they intend to charge the maximum £9000 a year to helpless, knowledgecraving potential Lukies. With

such drastic changes to the cost of university to students and the amount of funding Universities receive, GOAL sent it’s very own undercover reporter to find out where all the money is going… Convertible Cars, Tropical Holidays and Diamond studded

GTA of the year, Sam Vines – golfing in Hawaii

May 2011, Issue 7

Ergometers. These amongst other things Lecturers, University Staff, Estate Patrol and even the Groundsmen have been rumoured to be purchasing. One teaching fellow was quoted to say “I think the rise in tuition fees is excellent, I’ve always wanted a Porsche

inside horrorscopes the efficiency of man lukies on camera medics corner lukie-likies intermural sports

Disclaimer: This paper applauds controversy, encourages jovial abuse and at times, lacks political correctness. Please take it in the spirit it is intended, it’s just a bit of Lukie fun full of light-hearted banter which will hopefully do nothing but demonstrate why at the end of the day, everyone wants to be a Lukie… enjoy!


continued from front page… 911, now I can finally upgrade the Boxster”. Meanwhile, just across the Quad, hundreds of Lukies struggle through their time at university, with many settling for tesco’s own cider and double concentrate blackcurrant squash. Information from an insidesource tells of a planned ‘tuition fees rise-party’ held by the head of school Professor Andy Jones to celebrate the influx of money. The proposed £2 million party is said to be on the same scale as the recent royal wedding, with

dignified sport scientists invited from all over the world. One of the main attractions of the day being a game of jetpack Quidditch played above our beloved Quad, team captains Richard Winsley and Roger Eston have selected their star-studded teams on a basis of papers published and bolt time. Many of St. Luke’s own beloved lecturers have been seen splashing out on a variety of upmarket luxuries. Graduate Teaching Assistant of the Year, Sam Vine and Mark Wilson have booked a month-long golfing break to Hawaii to continue their experimentation into Quiet Eye. Meanwhile, we’ve dug up a receipt confirming Daryl Wilkerson to have preordered a customised 24-carot gold-plated and diamond-studded Ergometer (Monark 827e friction-braked cycle ergometer, Sweden.) However, it’s not just the lads, our female mentors couldn’t resist a shopping spree; with Prof Roger Eston – Jetpack Quidditch Rosey Davies and

Ann Rowlands set to conduct a vital piece of research into the activity levels of children in Beverly Hills, LA having – reported to have made matching lab coats for the occasion bearing the embroidery ‘girls on tour’. Michael Nunns, on the other hand, has utilised his influx of disposable income to start up his own business “Nunns’ Shoes” and promote this with a nationwide ad-campaign - ‘run like a Nunn’. I caught up with, Geoffrey Thomas Jeffrey Richington, a stray jiff, seeking a more tranquil campus to revise on, he said “Mummy and I think the rise in tuition fees is a just smashing, University should definitely be more selective, I’ve seen far too much Riff-Raff hanging outside Arena”. Unfortunately, Geoffrey was later assaulted and recovered partially naked amidst some foliage. After GOAL’s thorough investigation, it is frankly worrying to see how our hardearned/ government-endorsed millions are going straight into our lecturers’ pockets instead of increasing our university experience by, for example, lowering drink prices and extending bop hours.


The pen is mightier than the scalpel

We

can do more AND the plate at Tournament than just kiss in the South (TITS - naughty!) it better, we earlier this year!!’ can play sports too. Callum Masey - Captain of the As medics, our lives are not Lads… ‘Medsoc FC has had an totally centred around learning absolute blinder of a year. A about the weird and wonderful solid second place in the first creation that is the human body… term’s league 1 and an amazing we know how to have fun too first place in the term just gone!! (not that you ever doubted that After losing a few great members I’m sure). We also know how to of the team from last year the win… on the field. This is the new players and the seasoned world of medic sport. Our not-so- oldies have really come through modest captains this year wanted to give the team that extra boost to share their successes with the to be crowned intramural league rest of the world (well the world 1 winners. We have played with of St Luke’s)… great integrity and sometimes (but sadly not always) some bCharlie Tombs - el Capitán de e-a-uuuuutiful football, but most Hockey… ‘Being aware that many importantly we have had a lot of of you reading this will be Lukie fun which is what intramural sport sport scientists; I’ll go gently as is all about. It has been a pleasure I tell you about all the sporting playing against some great sides successes that our team have and I hope the intramural scene achieved this year. One thing I can carries on the incredible work. say about the Peninsula Medics Next year, with a new captain Hockey team is that whatever and a reformed team, it will be we do, we go all out to achieve. a great test for Medsoc FC but Be it on the pitch or in the pub I’m sure they will give everything we bring our A-game; and with and play some classic medic some outstanding performances football to retain the title of ‘best this year, I am proud to say intramural team in Exeter’. congratulations Medics! We won Are you lookin’ at my beer? the Exeter Uni Intramural League Jess Nigriello - Leader of the Ball

Catchers… ‘The netball girls have had a fantastic year. Our training sessions have been interesting to say the least, though I’m not exactly sure how much netball got played between the basketball and benchball games and of course there were those days where it seemed no one could actually catch a ball...That said, the two Varsity matches were great (even though Plymouth won) and we finally managed to play a proper team at all our NAMS matches, including a trip to London, where we discovered that having Nando’s between matches may not have been the best idea! We even made it to the Finals Tournament (admittedly this was by default but we won’t mention that!).’ Our sporting delights don’t quite finish there though. I have it on good authority that our Peninsula Rounders team lead by their Captain, Jodie Sage, were looking on fine form in training last Friday – so Lukies beware, you haven’t seen the last of our sporting talents for 2011! (I do hope I haven’t spoken too soon…!?)


21 Lukie Things to do in the Summer Term

rag update Well as far as RAG’s concerned we’re all pretty much wrapped up for this year, we’re all really busy planning events for next year and welcome week in particular, so look out for those! We at St. Luke’s RAG would like to say a big thank you to all participants (even those who didn’t get dates) and spectators of Take Me Out! We managed to raise £400 for Comic Relief which is awesome! If anyone is looking to get involved in RAG next year, we will be looking for a new committee on St. Luke’s in the upcoming weeks, so keep your eyes peeled! Alternatively, if you’re keen drop me an email (sg311@ex.ac.uk) or go on the St. Luke’s RAG Facebook Group! See you on the Quad, Sam Grace – St. Supervisor.

Luke’s

RAG

RAG & Community action • Get involved // get volunteering!

1. Enjoy Fish and Chips at Exmouth Beach 2. Canoe down the river and have a local brew at Double Locks 3. Play danger fives to keep your phone in your pocket on loud during an exam 4. Walk out of an exam early 5. Jump in the outdoor pool with your clothes on 6. 9 before 9 7. Stag do / Hen night 8. Make the survivors photo at summer ball 9. Leave a message to a future Lukie in your room 10. Have a picnic in the secret garden 11. Play heads and volleys on the quad for bum blasts 12. Reef Challenge 13. Serve an ace on the quad tennis courts 14. Have a game of volleyball with half of halls 15. Enjoy a warm naked quad 16. Sunbathe topless on the quad 17. Watch/Play/Streak an intra-mural rounders game for one of the many Lukies teams 18. Turn up to an exam completely unprepared/drunk/hungover 19. Have sex at the summer ball (e.g. under a lorry) 20. Sleep on the Quad/the mound 21. High Five Karl at the Summer ball


(All Representing our prestigious Campus with Dignity)


the

by George Jafari Chapter Three As a long term enforcer of maximum efficiency movement I have often come across obstacles which either limit or detour progress in an activity or journey. These, whilst being annoying, are also stepping stones to learning more about how to avoid them in the future. I offer now a few examples of how I have encountered obstacles within my life as a seeker of limited movement and how I have overcome them.

–e.g. 1–

A

s a fresher I was often out getting lashed, sometimes five times a week. I would make my way home after a good night, finding the straightest route – often through flowerbeds, roadworks and bushes. However, my halls of residence had stairs and I lived on the first floor. As you know, stairs require an output of some kind of effort. Therefore I had to find a way of getting up the stairs without expelling any particular effort. Utilising my friends that weren’t quite so drunk I went limp, which required them to drag me up the stairs and back to my room.

–e.g. 2–

T

his is simply called the drunken power-nap. When finished dispatching myself I often find that I am unable to perform basic activities. To the untrained efficiency-of-movement seeker this may seem like a good thing. However, the drunken state I am in means I like to be able to perform these activities or tasks. So to achieve a state of enhanced ableness I find a power-nap in whichever place I see as suitable, be it the lounge doorway or my halls bedroom floor, solves my problem. As previously explained sleep is also a high-efficiency activity and the half hour power-nap is highly efficient as well as enabling.

–e.g. 3–

A

s a highly excitable chap I often find I require a high level of humour and fun. Normally this would require extensive activity, such as sport or basic humorous movements. However, I have found an alternative; abusing close friends, such as E-wan and Webby. As previously explained, abuse requires only choice shouting and insults and, in the case of E-wan, very little activity at all.


uncanny resemblances between lukies and the famous

2nd Year Sports Scientist Sophie Williams

Olympic Gold Medallist Sally Gunnel

3rd Year Hamish Martin

Russian Chelsea Winger Yuri Zhirkov

2nd Year Ewan Williams

Actor Adam Goldberg


Lukie A watched boil never pops .

GEMINI

TAURUS

On Saturday the moon will come out and circulate around the quad.

Accidents will happen, but without accidents you wouldn’t have even been born!

CANCER

Ignorance is bliss. You don’t wanna know how crap this next month is gonna be…

LEO

VIRGO

The sun is in Uranus all week, don’t look into the sun.

LIBRA

One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Stay away from meat - just in case.

The best things in life aren’t free; fancy dress onesie £10, bop entry £3, Cider and black £2.10.

SAGITTARIUS

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but only if you go in through the bumhole.

There’s an exception to every rule, and you’re the except to this one – ‘all lukies are extremely attractive, hard-working and moral human beings’.

AQUARIUS

SCORPIO

CAPRICORN

Procrastination is the thief of time. And with University being a thief of money, you’re losing out from all directions!

Loans are in… however, money is the route of all evil… so blow it all in the first week and live without evil (or food) for the rest of term.

ARIES

A picture paints a thousand words. What a boring picture.

PISCES


facebook GOAL

GOAL allows you, the everyday fun loving Lukie to write freely about their experiences on the indisputed best campus in the land. We want to hear your • • • • •

drunken stories; inter-murual match reports; Bop reviews; rants about poor Lukies and shanter, anything that will bring joy, happiness and a cheeky snigger to all who read it.

Again, if you fancy spending a little bit of the mammoth quantities of free time you have available writing a banterful article instead of playing corridor games or causing general mischief in your mates room, then please get cracking, and then send it to:– sg311@exeter.ac.uk or es317@exeter.ac.uk

PAGE www.facebook.com/ pages/ GOAL-Goings-On-At-Lukes/ 172274242825759 GROUP www.facebook.com/ home.php?sk=group_ 224642884216485 BAR CODE SCAN NEW: Join GOAL on Facebook; on the page, in the group or scan the square thing right here… Polls, news, links – with a Lukie bias and no lack of banter.


(s)quad sport at its finest…

W

e all know that the summer term isn’t really about the exams. Truth be told its just an excuse for Lukies to make the pilgrimage back to Exeter and generally mess around and have a good time in the ever improving weather.

the inspirational captain of a purple cobra like dodge ball team, or the Emile Heskey of a semi-skilled 5 a-side football team, us here at GOAL want to hear from you. Team profiles, match reports, or just general team banter, anything that will cheer us all up during this dull exam period and put your team in the spotlight would be ideal, just send it to either However, being the true athletes that we are, sg311 or es317. some of us take it upon ourselves to step up the game from a simple kick around on the We’ll set the ball rolling by introducing an quad, jumpers for goal posts, rush goalie, or intermural team who wear the infamous cross whatever rules you used to play back in the keys with pride. With an unbeaten record playground. Our natural competitive nature to their name after their first season, the steers us towards competition, and the canary yellow wearing Cloisters Metrostars opportunity to cement our rightful place as rounder’s team kick start their season this the best sporting students the university has Friday. Judging by the lack of competition from the flabby, book loving jiff teams last to offer. year, and the cooking pot of talent team Cpt I am of course referring to the up and coming Sam ‘multibase’ Grace has at his disposal, the intermural sporting season. Whether you’re walk up to the sports centre is again likely to be the most challenging part of their season. Having taken a sneaky look

at the team sheet, GOAL can reveal that Chris Webb is likely to once again be spearheading the attack, with his beanpole like levers making up for his 2 year absence from any weight lifting gym sessions. I’d like to round things off wishing all the intermural teams represent St Lukes the best of luck. Do your campus, lecturers and Lukies everywhere proud by trouncing those delusional Jiffs in their back yard, and increasing our sheer dominance as the only place where sporting talent is in Exeter! Once again, if you would like your intermural team to be in the ever growing GOAL spotlight, send your banterful pieces in to us!

April showers bring forth May flowers

GOAL May Edition  

Disclaimer: This paper applauds controversy, encourages jovial abuse and at times, lacks political correctness. Please take it in the spirit...

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