report
O
nly a few weeks into term and already there has been some hugely important fixtures for everyone involved in Sport here at Exeter. The League campaigns are well underway for 53 of our teams, with a mixed bag of results. Nine of our sides are still maintaining a 100% winning record, with our Men’s Hockey first team leading the way with five wins from their first five matches. Another side grabbing the headlines which I am sure you will be well aware of are the Men’s Rugby First XV, who are in extremely good form following a big win against Northumbria in the Last 16 of the Cup on the 3rd November. They then completed a comfortable 23-13 win over a strong Bath side in the Annual Rugby Varsity at Sandy Park. Right from the first whistle they dominated and made Bath look very ordinary, a special mention must go to Man of the Match Will Dunkley. It was a fantastically attended event with 3000 students going down to watch, a big thank you to the Rugby club who worked tirelessly selling tickets and promoting the event. Thank you to all of you that went, it made for a brilliant atmosphere and a memorable varsity for all those involved. On the Tennis front, Exeter hosted the first BUCS Individual Challenge of
Josh Belsher, AU President
the season and the Women’s competition was won by our very own Yvanna Kurlak who beat fellow team member Kate Lucy in a brilliant final. On to Windsurfing, a big congratulations’ to Izzy Hamilton our new Windsurfing Scholar has just returned from Limassol, Cyprus where she took the Gold medal in the RS:X Youth World Championships for the second year in a row. She was crowned Britain’s first ever Windsurfing Youth World Champion at last year’s Championship in Bodrum, Turkey. There has been even more success for the Windsurfers of Exeter, who went to Nottingham at the weekend to compete in Pondlife VII, an event staged by the Student Windsurfing Association where over 300 students from across the country to compete in a variety of events and Exeter reigned from the start. Kirsty O’Callaghan and Alex Powell picked up 1st and 2nd in the ladies Advance Racing respectively. O’Callaghan also picked up another 1st place in the freestyle and Harry Clegg joined her in the final. Amy Taylor finished 1st in the Ladies Intermediate racing and Tom Badham-Thornhill finished 3rd in the Men’s Intermediate racing. Lastly and by no means least the trio of O’Callaghan, Powell and Clegg picked up the highly coverted Team Racing 1st Place. Well done all around!
There’s even more top level sport going on this week, so get yourselves up to the sports park on Wednesday afternoon to see our teams battling it out in BUCS from Badminton, Hockey, Netball, Squash to Tennis. Also the highly anticipated Snow Sports Christmas Ski trip is now open to book online. This year the guys are going to Avoviaz, France, which is the largest linked ski area in the world between the 1st – 9th January. The Resort also has Burton Stash a 100% natural snow park the first in Europe! All this for £329, the deadline for booking online is the 3rd December. For more information go to: www.exetersnowsports.com or email: exetersnowsports@gmail.com . If you are interested in entering a team, contact au@ex.ac.uk or 01392723573 for further details. If you don’t get in or want to see a night not to be missed, turn up on the evening to see some of the best athletes from the University going for Gold.
naked Quads, human waste banter, projectile vomiting, full arm bolts, bottles of port and timepiece Wednesdays… you stay classy St. Luke’s
Going On At Luke’s
December 2010, Issue 3
Disclaimer: This paper applauds controversy, encourages jovial abuse and at times, lacks political correctness. Please take it in the spirit it is intended, it’s just a bit of Lukie fun full of light-hearted banter which will hopefully do nothing but demonstrate why at the end of the day, everyone wants to be a Lukie… enjoy!
d
ue to the recent Winsley et al. (2010) paper entitled ‘Quad running – an art’ we have decided to take a detailed look into one of our favourite passions – the naked Quad. Since the dawn of time man (and woman) has been naked. only due to modern developments have clothes been used to cover ones ‘decency’. However, thanks to the spirit of St Luke we have ferociously fought against this established norm. St Luke’s – Saturday – 2.31a. m. and Lukies are in fine form displaying their fabulous bodies in a full-frontal rectangular quest for glory. But how can we reach this aim? What is the best Quad technique? Firstly, the derobe unless (due to worship of the goddess Jude) – you are already naked.
naked Quad aka ‘streaking’ – global reach… good start. Stash the clothes – pesky thieves and jiffs may lurk and steal one’s robes. However, the joke’s on them as you prolong your time in the spotlight. always remember a tHorougH
stretch before attempting the trek. Brett richmond (Level 2 – personal trainer) will usually be on the scene to run a short warm up with static and dynamic stretching. this is also a good opportunity to meet fellow Quad
…continued on page 2
…continued from the front page
The pen is mightier than the scalpel
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runners for intense temperature related banter. running in packs is encouraged. Set off – either on your own or in a group. many things will be going through your head – ‘i wish it wasn’t this cold’, ‘i wish i had gone to the gym this morning’, ‘anybody fancy arena chips?’ But, at least for now, ignore these minor distractions. Set your pace – not too fast, savour the moment, a moderate jog has been found to be the optimal speed (Weinberg and gould, 2007). expert Quad runners have been known to throw in some
personalised moves during the run. a few cheeky star jumps in front of the library was a favourite of Cloisters residents last year. While others have been known to include a faceplant, press-ups, sidesteps and high knees to the already challenging circuit. mr S. Strutt once pulled off a very impressive front pike somersault mid-quad, his advice ‘watch out for those pesky rocks on the South Cloisters straight!’ Quad running is a dangerous sport and anyone participating is held responsible for any injuries and or disciplinaries resulting from their participation.
his brand spanking new addition to this years goaL plays tribute to our under appreciated counterparts, who between their crammed timetable can be usually seen wandering aimlessly around campus and looking rather uncomfortable standing in the queue behind a group of hungover freshers buying pasties and 39p energy drinks from the campus shop. i am of course referring to the doctors of the future, the
blessed who shall be the ones who pump the snakey out of the stomachs of future prestigious Lukies… the medical students.
another new addition to goaL allows you, the everyday fun loving Lukie to write freely about their experiences on the un-disbuted best campus in the land.
happiness and a cheeky snigger to all who read it.
if any of you med students feel like you have what it takes to swap your scapel for a pen and write an article, news story or anything banterful to be published in goaL, then please feel free to get inspired and send your article to either sg311@exeter.ac.uk or es317@exeter.ac.uk
the earliest known naked quad run held on these grounds was 1623ad by King Lukie the Lad, his leisurely naked frolic amongst his grounds has turned into what we now celebrate every Saturday (and sometimes midweek). King Lukie was also known to order new staff to get naked and see a beverage off. So long live King Lukie and may we all celebrate in style at every given opportunity by becoming part of history and completely
the
sacred
naked
We • • • •
Quad (and girls – don’t be shy!).
•
want to hear your drunken stories; inter-murual match reports; Bop reviews; rants about poor Lukies and shanter, anything that will bring joy,
again, if you fancy spending a little bit of the mammoth quantities of free time you have available writing a banterful article instead of playing corridor games or causing general mischief in your mates room, then please get cracking, and then send it to sg311@exeter.ac.uk or es317@ exeter.ac.uk
“doctor, doctor, will i be able to bolt a pint of cider and black after the operation?” “its not advised mr richmond but well yes i suppose you can…” “great! i never could before!” doctor, doctor… i have a strawberry on my head! i’ll give you some cream for that! Q. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? a. the taste!
Lukie SAGITTARIUS
Celebrate your up and coming birthday in style, with 3 litres of Frosty and 2.5 naked quads (before estate patrol get ya!)
as we all know Jesus was a Capricorn, so get out there and lets see some miracles people!
AQUARIUS
CAPRICORN
Problems seem easily solvable--when they are happening to someone else. Ignore condescending advice from others and loaded firearms.
Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others (especially college house residents). A sneaky Lukie has played a prank on you. Suppress the urge to do nasty things to his Goldfish. Ohh just do it anyway!
ARIES
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.
TAURUS
Your computer is on the verge of a major bitch fit. Stop clicking so much and back up data. Best avoid Redtube for a while.
GEMINI
The key to Uni is planning and organisation. Befriend yourself a jiff, then Ben Nevis their room and clingfilm their toilet. Job done.
LEO
PISCES
CANCER
You are likely to put your foot in your mouth. Luckily, there is plenty of room.
You’ve got the “Eye of the Tiger.” Unfortunately you also have the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters and remember to shower regularly.
LIBRA
VIRGO
You are almost out of clean socks. Don’t sweat laundry. Just buy more socks.
Success is contagious, and you need to catch it. Just try not to catch anything else, while you’re at it.
SCORPIO
T
rag update
hings are going great with RAG at the moment. After a sell-out RAG week, including the amazing Harry Potter Pub Crawl and most-terrifying-nightof-my-life trip to Ottery St Mary for a flaming tar barrel ‘extravaganza’! There’s been some awesome raiding going on at Rugby Varsity for Great Ormand Street and Myloma and all over Exeter for the Poppy Appeal. The sold-out Paris Hitchhike happened over the weekend, I know anyone involved will have had a great time! On St Lukes: The RAG subcommittee and FREPs raised almost £150 during RAG week with a cake sale and mini Fete in X-Keys. The money will go to RAGs chosen charities: • Dig Deep – Sustainable solutions for Kenyan communities • Everyman – Testicular and Prostate Cancer Charity • The Anthony Nolan Trust – Matching stem cell donors and patients • SAFE – Stop Abuse For Everyone • The Shelo Orphanage – children affected by HIV in Uganda
Coming Up: 1. THE UNMISSABLE SSB! Cannot wait!! See you all there! 2. WEEKLY PUB QUIZ Sunday, LEMMY – 8pm: Amazing Prizes every week! 3. RAG Xmas Club night… TBC If you want to get more involved then sign up FREE to RAG at www.exeterrag.org and collect your membership card for 50% off Domino’s Pizza!!!
C
CA update
ommunity Action is the community volunteering organisation at Exeter Uni and there’s loads of scope to get involved. Our Sunday project, ACE, runs every week on St Lukes campus. ACE stands for Active Children in Exeter and gives a group of young carers some well-earned time to try new games and sports. It also gives volunteers the perfect health peace-offering after an unsavoury Saturday night! The project is run by Steph and Jack, the Project Leaders, who are both students at the
uni. You don’t have to be massively sporty to get involved, just willing to try new things. The project offers all volunteers a chance to meet and spend time with new people: Trampolining Society and DanceSoc, among others, have been involved with ACE before, so it gives volunteers fresh challenges too – before you even mention the kids! If heading to the sports hall doesn’t float your boat, there’s loads of other ways to get involved with CA. Numerous projects run during the week which are spread across the city. There are also fundraising, publicity and recruitment teams – led by students as well – and any student can attend their weekly meetings. If NONE of this sounds appetising, then (a) you’re quite a tricky one to please and (b) all is not lost. We haven’t even got round to talking about all our other projects yet! For more information email Kate and Anna-Marie, your lovely CA officers, ca-officer@guild.ex.ac.uk. You can also drop into the CA office on Streatham, open Tuesdays to Thursdays 11am – 3pm.
RAG & Community action • Get involved // get volunteering!
update H
Sabbatical Update
ello Lukies and almost merry Christmas! We thought we’d try something a little different for this sabb update along with the
usually Guildy stuff. On the topic of fees, we are encouraging you to make your voice heard by lobbying your mp... or you could have a look at these witty signs from the London Demonstration and take inspiration.
uncanny resemblances between lukies and the famous various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.” “A magic willy… this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.” “Yes, yes. I thought I’d be seeing you soon. Harry Potter.” It wasn’t a question. “You have your mother’s eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first
O
wand Update
bviously the other big news at the moment is the release of the seventh Harry Potter film, to commemorate this we have chosen our favourite Harry Potter quotes and replaced the word ‘wand’ with ‘willy.’
willy. Ten and a quarter inches
Matt Tingle, second year Sports’ Scientist
Brains, International Rescue’s Scientist
Curtis Whaymand, year Sports Science
third
Third year rugby league LAD, Jonnie Armstrong.
“Zack and Miri make a Porno” star, Seth Rogen.
Singing sensation Niall Horan, from boy-band “Wand Erection” (XFactor)
long, swishy, made of willow. Nice willy for charm work.” “He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their willies pointing into each other’s faces and Harry immobile between them…”
“Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened
“Then he whirled his willy at the
up and stared around. There were
dementors. Shot silver stuff at
several faces peering through
them.”
Students’ Guild Information Point • Crosskeys, St. Luke’s Campus • Ticket sales (Lemmy and Ball tickets), St. Luke’s stash, Locker Hire, Temporary Guild cards, NUS cards, Room bookings, photocopying and General enquiries. Open: (TERM TIME ONLY) 10 am – 4 pm Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, 10 am – 2 pm Wednesday phone: 01392 724893 • email: stlukes-guild-info@exeter.ac.uk
the
by George Jafari
Foreword
“Jaff is a fucking lazy cunt”
Andrew Vickers
Introduction The efficiency of man is distinct, apparently, from the efficiency of biomechanical human movement. It does not, however, encompass the efficiency of a constantly evolving species across a large span of time, as the title would suggest. Essentially it is one man’s quest to be as fucking lazy as possible. Efficiency of man is described as, “Not doing what you don’t have to” (Jafari 2008). An all encompassing topic area, it covers basic walking technique; strategic navigation; timetabling your day to avoid doing as much as possible; and sleeping as an art form. Additionally Jafari has published work on the necessity of limited movement within sport, an abstract of which can be found in the appendix. A quandary often affecting those that seek limited movement, responsibility and activity is how to go about achieving their set goals of nothing. The first chapter will introduce basic guidelines to aid laziness. Chapter 1 to follow in next issue.
(all representing our prestigious Campus with dignity)