Going On At Luke’s
February 2011, Issue 4
Disclaimer: This paper applauds controversy, encourages jovial abuse and at times, lacks political correctness. Please take it in the spirit it is intended, it’s just a bit of Lukie fun full of light-hearted banter which will hopefully do nothing but demonstrate why at the end of the day, everyone wants to be a Lukie… enjoy!
T
he bolt, a passion that has captivated many of St Luke’s residents for many centuries. Some see it as a chore and a way to pick out the immature students, where as the more educated among us consider it a passion, and the official metric measure of ‘ladness’. But what makes a good bolt? Is it just time, the beverage consumed and the quantity, or can top draw skill and technique turn an 11 second poor effort into something Richard Winsley could watch in awe….we did ask Daryll Wilkerson to deliver a lecture, but as he was unavailable; GOAL decided to investigate.
To begin the path to bolt enlightenment, one must first understand the origins of us Lukie’s favourite past time. St Luke was a man of many achievements; patron saint of students and medics, one of Jesus’ 12 disciples, a celebrated historian, but most importantly, the first man on the planet to bolt. Many researchers have disputed over which beverage he actually consumed, some traditionalists say wine, others have found evidence that points to snakey, but what everyone agrees on is that without the pride, confidence and actions of St Luke, the Bop just simply
wouldn’t be the same. The next step is to be able to understand the highs and lows of the bolt, the norms, past records, and the highlights and accomplishments throughout the celebrated St Luke’s campus history. There’s no more upsetting scene than watching a group of clueless fresher’s gather at the Bop by the X-keys bar, and congratulate what was quite frankly a shocking display, and poor tribute to the big dog himself (both Karl or St Luke). Now I’m no drinking god or anything, but I can tell you, and what should surely be common
…continued on page 2
knowledge, is that a shot of Sourz, Sidekick, or anything fruit flavoured is barely worth doing. If you need any help in deciding what to replace this kind of shot with, ask Gus Barton or Nick Aris who will be more than happy to point you in the right direction. Studies conducted within the past decade, most famously ‘Quad Bolting and the effects upon the library’ (Jones, S.W. & Balfour, V., 2009) have looked into the most common bolting beverage. These studies have all agreed upon a pint of cider and black, no surprises there. But the drastic range in times between students across campus has become a worrying factor, so much in fact that with the help of many scholars, GOAL has included this handy guideline, in
order for us all to gauge a strong bolt from a piss weak effort, and applaud and appreciate the necessary amount… In a quest for fame and fortune, some prestigious Lukies have taken it upon themselves to stray off the beaten track and experiment bolting other fine beverages; most commonly the bottle of wine. Red, White or Rose’, which ever you may decide to dabble in, every single one of us can all take inspiration from Tim Chilvers, James Daryll and Carl Plinstone. I could write about their achievements, but the only way to do them justice is to check out the videos in all their glory. The final step to becoming a true master of the bolt is
understanding the biomechanical and physiological aspects of the action, and how one can overcome the barriers and natural instincts to perfect their technique. So seeing as exams are now over and everyone has a ridiculous amount of free time on their hands, GOAL resisted the temptation to watch all 6 Rocky films and (with a little helping hand from Micheal Nunns) decided to get digitising. Images of a novice bolter and an elite bolter were compared to enable us to measure angular velocities of the shoulder, wrist and elbow, and maximal end point velocity via utilisation of the kinematic chain. You don’t need to be a Sport Scientist to pick out the finer details that distinguishes this
20+
15-20
10-15
5-10
3-5
2-3
1
You must be a direct relation to Brett
Most common Jiff bolting time
Will be refused entry to the Bop
Average to Fair, some work needed
Not too bad, should receive appreciation
St. Luke would be very, very proud
Karl
Shit Bolt
2)
Good Bolt
1)
terrible bolt from the unbelievable teckers of Sam ‘multibase’ Grace. But seeing as this edition of GOAL is being released the morning after Timepiece Wednesday, a time famous for not being our finest hour, here are the step by step critiques…
Frame 1) Confidence. That’s the first key step to any good bolt. Its like an exam, if you go into it thinking you can’t do it and worrying, you’re more likely to do the walk of shame up the aisle after 20minutes. Whereas if you stay calm, have confidence in the 2 hours of revision you did before the exam, and take Chris Webb’s philosophy of ‘I didn’t have anything planned this summer anyway’, chances are your probably do all right. Also take note of the beverage grippage… two hands are better than one at many things, including bolting.
Frame 2) Remember bolting is an art, a skill, a fine technique that has been perfected and fine-tuned over many centuries. So it certainly doesn’t require a casual one handed swig like action
3)
4)
…continued from the front page that can be commonly seen in many female residences in and around Portland Street. Two firm hands and high pointed elbows should do the trick of increasing momentum, as well as opening up that diaphragm, thus increasing the stomachs volume and decreasing pressure, all ready for the golden medicine.
Frame 3) The confidence and technique from frames 1 and 2 should subsequently allow a respectable bolt. Remember to keep that gullet open, keep elbows high and your head back for maximum liquid transfer. There are a few crowd pleasers that some professional Lukie bolters like to throw in every so often, which include the eating glass technique, the spinning bolt, and of course the legendary straight armed bolt (Caution: these adaptations are dangerous and should not be attempted by Jiffs, residents of College house or girls).
Frame 4) It still shocks me to see some Lukies still not ‘E.G’ing. By now it should be a common fact of
life for everyone on campus, a motor skill that each and every one of us does with every single empty object. We’ve all been there, ‘E.G’ing at our parents dinner parties, empty deodorant cans, yoghurt pots and even girls after sex, so don’t forget to use the rule for what it was made for! However it is good entertainment when some dull fresher forgets to EG a water jug in the dining hall after a lazy post-bop Sunday, so maybe don’t remember all the time. So there you have it, a complete breakdown of the much loved St Luke-inspired passion of bolting. I just hope this article helps inspire everyone on campus to pick up a glass, fill it with some kind of dirty beverage, and do what every single Lukie was born to do, in both a respectable time and manner. If, however, you still don’t feel enlightened, or want to find out more, one can only advise you to go to the Bop, order a couple of pints, and go and stand in legends corner for a few minutes and see what happens.
by Helena Few January Exams It’s that time of year where every Lukie dreads the 1km walk from our lovely cosy campus to the mystery that is mainsite. Ask us to find anything but the Sports Park and the RAM and we’re pretty much lost. So at the first look at the exam timetable and reading the locations ‘Harrison Building’ or ‘Amory Building’ you know you’re going to have a fun time finding it. On the arrival to Streatham you find that Stocker Road, the entrance to the university and the main road that runs through the entire campus, is closed. Ideal. So using the crumpled improvised directions drawn by a jiff in the know, you try and set the map to match your surroundings. You fall into false security knowing you’re in a group, but in reality, you’re just with more lukies who have no idea where they’re going. With the only lukie-known road on Streatham closed, you take the risk deciding to go cross country clutching the rip of last night’s dominoes box with the ‘map’ on. A“maze” ing. As you get higher up on Streatham, the distant view is of the rolling hills of Devon. Be it sunny or grey, this view is pretty spectacular. However, once your eyes lower slightly the skyline becomes an array of cranes, fluorescent jackets and mud. Lots and lots of mud. We all know Streatham will look amazing and The Forum will probably be so modern it will be mistaken for a spaceship, but I would definitely not want to be there every day right now! As if January isn’t depressing enough, getting to lecture takes half an hour longer than last term and everyone is covered in mud, and with the arrival of Exeter’s monsoon season....needless to say, I think Streatham students stress levels may rise. Alright, they may have it bad, but with revision notes in one hand and directions in the other, the usual time out that a walk to an exam gives you is abolished! You’ve got to feel slightly sorry for them; even when it’s raining and you’ve got a painful 9 o’clock, arriving at beautiful St Luke’s lifts you slightly, mostly because it feels like walking into part of Hogwarts. The grey limestone of North Cloisters and the green grassy quad, even in the rain seems idyllic in comparison!
(All Representing our prestigious Campus with Dignity)
)
The pen is mightier than the scalpel
L
ike drones we sit through our lectures (most of them, anyway); minds swimming with medical stats and pathways, images of the healthy and gruesome, portrayals of the sick. The medics’ minds, busy as always, frequently flit irrationally between complex stem cell structures to slightly less cerebral notions, such as whether to dress up as ‘kings’ or ‘Kermit’, ‘ants’ or ‘american’, ‘m&m’s or ‘menses’, for our A, M or K (post exam) social. How does it compare with the perceived stereotype? Do we just drift from session to session, dressed in suits, noses in the air? Are we just serious and studious with fixed mathematical and chemical formulas winding through our minds in a humourless, robotic way? NO. We’re really sat in lectures (perhaps a little worse for wear) thinking, “so if it takes one hour for each unit of alcohol
to leave the system, just how many jaegarbombs can I have tonight and still be ‘present’ in PBL tomorrow at 9am?” We’re watching videos of knee replacement surgery thinking, “How cool is that?” Playing with saws, sharp knives and needles and getting paid for it?! It’s like our own game of OPERATION... minus the buzzer should we accidently hit the edges! There are so many times when common sense fails us completely... Sleeping in wheelie bins (or hedges, depending on your preference), vomiting on the backs of club owners, getting phoned by police the day after booze cruises (just to make sure you’re still alive), naked runs through Rowancroft, waking up with no chest hair, ‘relieving yourself’ on the bar of a club, or even offering oral sex to some less than intelligent, violent marines (even if you are straight and male... Thank you, local police). The list goes on. The medics’ social calendar is full of completely awesome nights and trips that have to be
experienced to be believed: UV ski raves… Check Pub golf extravaganzas… Check Extravagant society balls… Check Crazy surf trips... Check Hilarious fancy dress socials… Check Audacious ski trips... Check Naked calendar shoots... Check WICKED BANTER… Definite Check The way we study is maybe a little private, and St Luke’s is definitely still a sports science strong-hold, but we’re not that bad... Honest. We are no traditional medical students. We are probably the best medical students in the world. We are Peninsula Medical Students and we can do more than just kiss it better.
uncanny resemblances between lukies and the famous
who
who
who
who
who
who
Lukie A fool and his money will soon part, but at least he had money to begin with.
AQUARIUS
All things grow with love, but even more so with fertilizer. Enjoy slinging shit today. You’re helping people grow.
ARIES
The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Unless you have oxy action whitener.
Your ship has come in. Too bad you’re not at the docks.
GEMINI
TAURUS
Interest rates are up! I’m not talking about mortgages and credit cards. People are actually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers.
Your Time Has Come. The Naked Quad is calling. It’s now or never.
LEO
PISCES
CANCER
You are out of answers. Avoid questions.
New Term. Start again. ‘Cause Last Term was a complete write-off.
LIBRA
Keep striving and it will pay off. That shoddy bolt time will improve.
Don’t be afraid to step out of line, especially if there is no queue for the gents.
SAGITTARIUS
VIRGO
SCORPIO
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That’s why you haven’t met a lot of medics. Eat some cheesecake and mingle.
Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.
CAPRICORN
rag update
H
appy New Year St Luke’s! Hope all those pesky exams went ok! Right, so this Term is looking like a good one for RAG, there’s the much anticipated AMSTERDAM HITCH, RAG WEEK 2 and of course COMIC RELIEF coming up! So keep your eyes peeled for more info! This term all committee positions will be up for nomination for the 2011-12 year, so fancy getting more involved and helping organise events such as Exeter’s Got Talent, Rag Week, an International Event (Climb Kilimanjaro, Trek the Great Wall of China, Hike the Inca Trail?) or the infamous SSB??! Check out the role descriptions, prepare a short speech about why you would be perfect for the role and go for it! That’s what I did! This year, we have the first ever St Luke’s RAG Committee, who will
be bringing RAG to you! If you have any ideas or questions, don’t hesitate to contact me at sg311@ex.ac.uk Don’t forget you can still join the universities biggest and best society online at www.exeterrag.org!!! Sam Grace
CA update Calling all Lukies!
W
e are lacking a Community Action presence on St. Luke’s to communicate the benefits of volunteering and the range of opportunities available to all students. We’re keen to tap into this pool of students, see some new faces in CA and gather exciting new ideas to bridge the gap between the two campuses… So we are looking for a St. Luke’s Representative! Community Action is the
university’s flagship volunteering organisation providing both student-led and off-campus opportunities with weekly, annual and one-off projects. We work with children, older people and the environment and provide leadership and management opportunities through our Management Team. This role is perfect for someone with initiative, creative ideas, energy, enthusiasm and an interest in student volunteering. It’s a great way to ease you into a leadership role by being a general representative for CA and being an informational access point to all St. Luke’s students. You would work closely with the existing Management Team based at Streatham throughout Term 2. If you’re interested, email Rachel & Tzuki at carecruitment@guild. ex.ac.uk to find out more, and/or come along to our Recruitment & Development Team Meeting on Thursday 1-2pm in the CA Office (Cornwall House)
RAG & Community action • Get involved // get volunteering!
report W
elcome back, I hope you’re feeling suitably rested after Christmas and the exam period didn’t prove too stressful for you! We’re at an exciting stage in the BUCS competition with the snow affecting the last two weeks of term the Wednesday fixture list is jam packed with some exciting finales in the league tables, before we look ahead to the knockout stages of many of our sports. It looks like well over half of our 64 league teams will go on to play knockout fixtures, which would be great to see Exeter move into the latter stages of the Championship, Trophy and Conference Competitions. Good luck to all teams in their knockout fixtures and please do your best to get out there are support our teams. What else can you look forward to this term? The Canoe Club are hosting the always enjoyable Adventure Ball on the 19th February. The ball is a black-tie event held at Crealy Adventure Park, a short bus journey from campus. There will be a hog roast,
Josh Belsher, AU President
fully licensed bar and access to the parks giant ball pits and death slides – You do not want to miss out! For more information go to www.theadventureball.co.uk. Sunday 13th March sees the return of the International 5a-side Football Tournament, can Algeria take the title again? Two weeks later on Sunday 27th of March will see the biggest Inter-halls sports day ever seen on campus, can you hall conquer all others to be crowned the number one hall on campus, more information to follow. The Annual Dodgeball tournament returns in the last week of term on Wednesday 30th March, we are expecting the highest standard of dodging seen in Exeter in the last decade and entries are again expected to be through the roof so don’t miss out on putting your club, society, subject group on the dodgeball map, again more information to follow. One quick note, congratulations to Sam Harley (2nd year History and Ancient History) who was selected to represent Great Britain Under 25s as part of a 12 man squad
for the World Long Range Rifle Championships in Oct 2011 in Australia. Last but by no means list, do you want my job? Nominations are now open for the sabbatical elections 2011. Come up to the AU office for more information if you think you might be interested in being the AU President next year! Follow the AU on facebook at “Exeter University Athletics Union”. You stay classy Exeter
When in Rome…