WELL BEING When MOT H E R’S DA Y isn’t a Greeting Card Theories that mothers are blameless creatures abound. Partly from the Christian ethos of the Virgin Mary, and partly from tradition, from media and from those who enjoy their mothers. It is a taboo topic, that of the toxic mother. And yet, hiding quietly in the corners there are many who suffer alone in silence because they feel guilty they didn’t get the mother everyone else seems to have. And of course, the mother they deserved. Start to unpack the Pandora’s box and material abounds on the subject of Narcissistic mothers, surviving a narcissistic parent and parentifying the child. It is an untapped resource for those who need that support to get through these big days of life. There are certain tell-tale signs of someone who struggles with this significant relationship. Weight gain, weight loss, toxic relationships, substance abuse, career issues. This comes because the mother issues are so deep seated. They stem from the beginning of our lives and take decades to identify, acknowledge and then to begin to heal. This may come as a surprise to many reading this, that there are adults around you who cannot remember ever hearing the words “I love you, I’m proud of you, Thank you or I’m sorry” from their own mother. Those of you with such a relationship however are reading this saying “Oh it’s not just me!” Worse still, are those who have heard it, but never believed it because of the mixed messages they receive in every encounter with their mother. These messages either given quietly or bluntly undermine the child’s self-confidence
to a point where careers, health and relationships are harmed. As adult women we are left with 2 options when we are still children ourselves. Option 1 is where we have those greeting card style relationships. These are the ones where after reading this you may pick up the phone or pop round for a cuppa and give them an extra special hug. Say thank you and enjoy a much deeper gratitude and understanding of what they
Not every mother looks like a 1950’s magazine cover, with every hair in place, the apron tied in a cute bow whilst providing huge support to her children. have done for you. When they say, “I love you” and you believe it, take it as a symbol of paying it forward. She has created a loving relationship with you that you can then share with the world. Enjoy! If your mother has died, then allow some tears of both joy & sadness for the amazing woman she was and acknowledge her for everything she meant to you and be grateful that her love still surrounds
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you. It is a truly special feeling. Option 2 is obviously more difficult. If you limited contact with your mother just so you could cope with that big day of the year when it seems everyone is bathed in a warm glow, then that’s OK. If you have no contact with her, then sadly that is OK too. When you have not been cared for by your mother, you have to self care. You have to self-love too, so go and do something that you enjoy, show yourself that you are special, and you are loved. You will have tougher days than others, but you have already survived what life has thrown you. If your mother has died, then allow some tears of both joy & sadness (sounding like a repeat isn’t it?). Acknowledge that you deserved better, that you have survived and that she deserves to be forgiven, even if only so that you can move forward. Surround yourself with things that you love and feel peace. Next time someone talks about their experience as a child, even an adult child, just take time before rushing into an answer. That person who is full of admiration for their mother deserves your congratulations and respect, not a re-run of the “You’re lucky” scene from Monty Python. And before denouncing someone for being a “bad daughter” or “naughty boy” for not doing all the things that you think they should be doing for their mother, take time. Time to take in their situation, pick up the signs they may be struggling, and to be gentle. Not every mother/child relationship is worthy of those greeting cards.