Reader's Digest UK Nov 2017

Lord Jeffrey Archer: “I Can’t Change What’s Happened” Flanders Fields:

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80 CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE

Our columnists are full of ideas for all the family

Travel & Adventure

90 TRAVELLING TO DRACULA COUNTRY

Discover Transylvania, as depicted by Bram Stoker

104 MAROONED WITH POLAR BEARS

Did pilot Sergey survive?

Find out in Part Two of this extraordinary tale

EDITOR’S LETTER

A LOT CAN HAPPEN

IN 100 YEARS. The last century has seen the birth of jazz music, frozen food, antibiotics, paperback books and, of course, the internet. (In fact, regular readers will know that you can turn to our gadgets column on p120 to see just how quickly our technological innovation is progressing.) The past few decades have also brought a dramatic increase in life expectancy; flip to p38 to see how the latest efforts to combat heart disease could augment this even more.

But not everything changes. Our loved ones, for example—they’re vital to happiness, whichever century we reside in. This is brought into sharp focus in “Return to Flanders Fields” on p58. In revisiting the battles of the First World War, we discover how those sacrificed remain at the heart of families, even though they never met the generations that survive them. It’s a humbling read— but also a life-affirming one.

Here’s to the next 100 years.

Fiona Hicks theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Fiona Hicks

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CULTURE

EDITOR Eva Mackevic

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Remember, remember

Sharing delicious food with friends and family is as much a part of Bonfire Night tradition as fireworks and sparklers. Serve up a feast fit for a king with our easy to follow three-piece meal guide, which includes sticky toffee apples, spiced hot orange juice and warming pumpkin soup. Hungry? Head over to readersdigest.co.uk/firework-feast

The month of Movember Offices across the country are being invaded by upper-lip fuzz as Movember gets into full swing. The charity aims to get men talking about their health concerns, including testicular and prostate cancer. Got questions you’re too embarrassed to ask? Visit readersdigest.co.uk/prostate-questions

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GETTING TO GRIPS WITH YOUR PENSION

Whether you’re weighing up retirement saving options or simply approaching this new stage of your life, you will have lots of decisions to make, such as deciding how to use your pension pot to provide an income when you retire.

In 2015 new pension rules were introduced to give people greater, more flexible access to their pensions. But with more freedom comes more choice and, as a result, deciding which is the right way for you to save and then use your hard-earned pension pot once you retire has become more complicated.

This is why Reader’s Digest has partnered with pension and investment experts Flying Colours Wealth to provide you with the guidance you need with identifying which option is best for you, helping you plan successfully for retirement or making the most beneficial choices once you get there.

On our website readersdigest.co.uk/ pensions we clear up the confusion and help you decide which path suits you best so you are then able to access the appropriate guidance.

The value of advice

Unless you’re already very sure about what you want to do with your pension, taking advice could be the soundest financial decision you’ll ever make. A recent survey by the International Longevity Centre UK (ILC-UK), highlighted that people who take financial advice are on average £40,000 better off. n

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You can call our pension experts on 0333 241 9919.

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We pay £50 for Letter of the Month and £30 for all others

✯ letter of the month...

Many will share Marian

Keyes’ view in “If I Ruled the World” that it’s frustrating not being able to talk to a real person when ringing some customer service departments. Speaking from personal experience, being at “queue position number one” is no reason for optimism. It would be better to know the average waiting time, so we could then decide whether to hang on, hang up— or beat ourselves repeatedly over the head with a cordless handset.

Another irritation is the while-you-wait music. I used to like Vivaldi, but his Four Seasons has now become so synonymous with losing the will to live, it’s almost on a par with Chopin’s “Funeral March”. Given that we have to wade through so many other options, what about an option to choose our own music? Kim Wilde’s “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” would be a popular choice.

DAVID BENNETT, Staffordshire

I t ’S C om P l ICAte D

I was most interested reading “First Time at 40”, in which Shana Ting Lipton wrote about never-marrieds choosing to live together rather than marry in their forties.

I think this is the new normal. The problem is that marriage in your forties, fifties or sixties can be a

financially complicated nightmare. You both come to the relationship with decades of baggage in the form of children, houses, stock portfolios and accumulated wealth.

That’s the best-case scenario. The worst case is when two partners have uneven amounts of baggage. In the interest of keeping things as simple

as possible, couples simply move in together (in whichever house is the nicest) and come up with a formula for sharing expenses. Why marry and complicate things?

RYAN ROSWELL, Great Yarmouth

A C re A m n IG htm A re

I do so agree with Max Pemberton’s views on psychiatric wards in “Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind”. I’ve been a carer for people who have mental health problems for over 45 years—I’ve seen the progression from locked wards in grey, dark, gloomy Victorian buildings to modernised facilities. But there’s a glaring lack of imagination in planning, even now.

Recently I had cause to visit one of my friends from church who was suffering from severe depression. The ward had been “updated” with an electric security door. Her room was situated down a long, bare corridor. Everything in her room was cream—ceilings, light fittings, walls, furniture and blinds. There were no carpets and no cheerful curtains. Her room resembled a plastic box. The window faced north into a bare courtyard, so the light was poor too.

If I’d been shut in there for any time, I’d feel suicidal or go “stir-crazy”.

KRISTIN COULTER, Northumberland

the Ir IS hm A n’S C h A rm

I really enjoyed reading “Gift of The Gab”, confirming just how successful Graham Norton has become with his ability to put people at ease on whichever show he appears.

According to legend, if anyone kisses the Blarney Stone, they’re given the gift of great eloquence; following the success of his first novel in Ireland, where he grew up, a visit to Cork may serve him well! But in all honesty, if he decides to become a full-time writer, I firmly believe his natural attributes will be sufficient for all his needs.

PETER FITZPATRICK, Lancashire

AG e & un D erPA nt S

Olly Mann’s article “Getting To The Bottom Of It”, about choosing new pants for middle-age, was very amusing. It’s something I’ve never really thought of—but at 90, I’ve now reached a point where I’ve changed from being an OAP to what I call a “seenager”: a senior teenager. Everything I ever wanted in earlier life has come to me now, including my last girlfriend, who has been my wife for 40 years!

I’m still not too fussed about my type of underpants, mind.

ALAN ANDREWS, Devon

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...DIFFERENTLY

What seems to be a doll’s house at first glance is actually a bus stop! Those who go for a stroll in the Japanese town of Nagoro will frequently encounter these lifesized puppets.

Local artist Tsukimi Ayano, who is now nearly 70 years old, created the first figure as an elaborate scarecrow. As more people moved away from the village, Ayano began to replace the dwindling number of inhabitants with puppets.

Today the population of Nagoro is nearly 200—of which 150 are dolls!

Poised to embark on home-improvement works, Olly Mann is caught between style and comfort

The Great Armchair Debate

Olly Mann is a writer, radio presenter and serial podcaster, with shows including Answer Me This!, The Media Podcast and The Modern Mann

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SIMPLE SIDE EXTENSION . Yet somehow, in the two years it’s taken us to finalise the design, uproot obstructive trees, secure planning permission, revise structural calculations and, of course, borrow the money, we’ve essentially redesigned every room in our house.

What was originally intended to be a straightforward(ish) garage demolition and kitchen installation has become a behemoth—we’re adding bathrooms, creating new corridors, converting cupboards to toilets and toilets to cupboards. The build starts next month, and it’s going to be stressful: we’ll need to up sticks, in midwinter, with our 14-year-old cat and our one-year-old son, while ditches are dug and walls are brought down. But I’m prepared for that.

WHAT I WASN’T PREPARED FOR, foolishly, were the conversations we’re now having about interior design. Naively, I’d imagined we might actually live in our newly restructured house for a few months before deciding upon the colours of bedspreads and the placement of shaving mirrors. This, apparently, will not fly. My wife says it’s all very well us telling the builder where to put the plugs, but to do that we first must know how we want to use them. And to do that, she says, we need to know how each room will be organised. And to do that, we need a sense of what our

BY LAUREN REBBECK

furniture will be. And when we think about that (she says, fixing my eyes for this one), we need to make sure it doesn’t look a mess, like it does now.

Mess? This is a dagger through my heart. I really like our little house,

and I really wouldn’t call it a mess (especially now I’ve discovered if I put aside £1,300 a year for a professional cleaner, my contribution to the dusting and vacuuming improves considerably). My wife,

sensing my offence at her choice of words, elaborates: it’s not that our house is messy; it’s that there isn’t a consistent theme. She spent the summer inhaling Pinterest. All the best homes, she’s deduced, have a consistent theme.

Look, she says, at our TV cabinet. It’s a completely different style from the sofa. Which is a completely different style from the armchair. Which is a completely different style from the dining table, and the paintings on our wall. I pause, look around and, grudgingly, realise she’s right.

Our TV cabinet was purchased on impulse from a hospice charity shop for £25. It’s cheap glossed pine, but we tried to “distress” it with posh wood paint, and swapped the knobs for fancy ones from Selfridge’s. It fulfils its function, but you can tell, basically, that it’s from a charity shop. Our country-house couch, by contrast, was an aspirational purchase from Laura Ashley: hideously expensive, even in the sale. It’s now a little stained— heavy use by the aforementioned baby and cat takes an inevitable toll—but still somewhat stately.

She spent the summer inhaling Pinterest— all the best homes, she’s deduced, have a consistent theme

brown leather 1970s lounge affair, with a curved beech-wood frame. It’s extraordinarily comfortable, and I love it, because it reminds me of my twenties. I bought it from Camden market, for £150 cash—back in the days when I really couldn’t afford £150 cash—and lugged it back to my bachelor pad on the bus. It was, for some years, the classiest piece of furniture in my flat. Indeed, it’s the only item from those heady days which I’m permitted to keep on display (the reproduction globeshaped drinks cabinet has spent three years rotting in the garage, along with the cross trainer and picnic table. We have yet to determine its fate, but somehow I doubt my spouse will conclude it should form the centrepiece of our new hallway).

The Danish armchair next to it is a

The dining table is a dark, solid, wooden thing with golden feet. I inherited it from my father, and probably at some stage in the late 20th century it had some value, but for a couple of decades he stuck it in the staff room in his car business, and it got covered in scratches and fag-marks. So we’ve stuck a bright plastic tablecloth on it, which, now

I come to think of it, does look rather ridiculous.

On the wall behind it is a painting I picked up in a street market in Edinburgh, depicting schoolchildren meeting Beefeaters at the Tower of London. The artist was obviously a hobbyist, because the scale is completely out of whack and the skin tones are terrifying—but I’ve always found it charming.

ANYWAY, MY WIFE’S RIGHT: these bits and bobs shouldn’t really be showcased in the same room. They all clash horribly. But each tells a story. They help me feel at home.

I too want our house to seem more considered, more grown up, less ramshackle. But I also want to ensure that the decoration of each room still speaks to us, and about us. That seems like a consistent theme to me.

LOOK TWICE

Signs outside veterinary surgeries are a surprising source of humour:

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Films

by Eva mack E vic

■ family: paddington 2 Everyone’s favourite bear gets into all kinds of new trouble in the sequel to the instant family classic. Now happily settled in with the Browns, he picks up a few jobs to save money for the perfect present for his Aunt Lucy’s 100th birthday—a unique pop-up book. But when the book is stolen, it’s up to him to find the thief. There’s nothing not to love about this film. From Paul King’s consistently brilliant writing to fantastically over-the-top supporting performances from Hugh Grant (as a faded egotistic actor) and Brendan Gleeson (as rough prison cook Knuckles McGinty), it’s heart-warming, quintessentially British and an absolute must-see if you’re a fan of the first film.

Movie of the Month

■ action: justice league In the latest all-singing, all-dancing DC superhero movie, Batman assembles an unprecedented team of metahumans—Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman and Cyborg—to save the planet from a catastrophic threat. Featuring an all-star cast including Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot and Jason Momoa, it’s a spunky, fast-paced blockbuster dripping with coolness.

■ sport: battle of the sexes A fun, light-hearted retelling of Billie Jean King’s 1973 triumph over Bobby Riggs in a match that became a milestone in the public acceptance of women’s tennis. Though the writing turns to tired film clichés a bit too often, the sheer charisma and magnetism of leads Emma Stone and Steve Carell make it an enjoyable way to spend two hours. Alan Cumming and Sarah Silverman co-star.

■ romancE: film stars don’t die in liverpool Just when you thought Annette Bening had reached the zenith of her career, she goes and blows you away again. This time it’s as Fifties film star Gloria Grahame, who finds herself having a passionate yet troubled affair with a much younger man, sensitively played by Jamie Bell. It’s a divinely shot biopic, full of saturated, sparkling cinematography that shifts between sun-drenched LA and rainy Liverpool—a perfect autumn movie.

■ Drama: the killing of a sacred deer From the director of dark indie hit The Lobster comes an equally disturbing and far more sinister horror elegy, starring Colin Farrell and Nicole Kidman. When an impassive surgeon takes a peculiar boy under his wing, strange things begin to happen in his own family, forcing him to make the hardest decision of his life. It’s a constricted, miasmic narrative, oozing nightmarish anxiety like an infected wound. Heavy—but good for your moral fibres.

On Your Radar: Carrie Hewlett, writer

WatchinG: lucifer (amazon prime) A funny, tongue-in-cheek take on what happens when the Devil decides to take a break from Hell.

rEaDinG: light by michael Grant Fascinating exploration of what might happen if adults disappeared. Well written and full of twists.

onlinE: various writing blogs Trying to keep up to date with a number of blogs, as you never know what useful things you may learn from them.

listEninG: bbc radio 2 From Chris Evans’ breakfast show to the witty Steve Wright in the afternoons, this station never fails to make me smile!

Fancy appearing in this section? Send your current cultural favourites, along with short descriptions, to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk

fancy appearing in this section? Send your current cultural favourites, along with short descriptions, to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk

by Eva mack E vic

low in high-school by morrissey

On Our Radar Music

Album of the Month

The latest album by British icon and the country’s number one provocateur, Morrissey, is, well, the most Morrissey thing imaginable. You could fill a book with things the former Smiths frontman doesn’t approve of, and he rips into them all— from monarchy to mainstream media—yet again. But once you get past all the banner-waving, you’ll find a beautifully arranged and versatile record that announces itself with the riveting blatancy of “My Love I’d Do Anything For You”. This roaring rock prelude catapults you straight into Morrissey’s strangling croon, triggering angsty teenage nostalgia. The lyrics are as sharp and carefully orchestrated as ever. Each word hits its beat as if measured by a metronome, without a wasted syllable in sight. Big issues are tackled in miniature vignettes, in a tone between self-righteous mockery and discerning selfdeprecation. It’s everything we love about Moz. Key tracks: “I Wish You Lonely”, “Home Is a Question Mark”, “My Love I’d Do Anything For You”

likE this? yoU may also likE... the velvet underground & nico by the velvet Underground For more doom and gloom and romantic nihilism, turn to one of the most influential albums of all time. The perfect concoction of hypnotic chanting and plodding beats for a moody kind of day.

Derby christmas fair, november 11–12. Find the perfect festive gifts for your friends and family at the magical Derby Roundhouse. Visit derbyshire christmasmarket. co.uk for details.

bath mozartfest, november 10–18. Celebrate the vivacious music of Mozart, as performed by topnotch musicians. Visit visitbath.co.uk for details.

modigliani at tate modern, london, november 23–april 2. See some of the best-loved paintings of the 20th century by prolific painter Amadeo Modigliani. Visit tate.org.uk for details.

With millions of book sales under his belt—and a lifetime of tales— Lord Jeffrey Archer tells Fiona Hicks why he doesn’t believe in looking back

“I’m

HE’S FAMOUS FOR HIS WAY WITH WORDS,

but it appears Lord Jeffrey Archer also has a head for numbers. Sitting with him in his luxurious London penthouse to chat about Tell Tale, his new collection of short stories, I’m bombarded with them: he’s sold 275 million books, give or take a few; most authors only achieve 50 per cent of their usual sales when they write short stories, while he achieves 80 per cent; and—my personal favourite—he’s worked out that he gets 28 five-star reviews on Amazon for every one-star review. He scrolls through them in front of me.

Sales figures are important to every author,” he states. “There’s no author alive to whom they aren’t.”

I ask him if dipping sales figures would ruin his day.

“Silvina,” he shouts. Then, a little louder, “Silvinaaaa?”

A lady, who appears to be his housekeeper, calls back. “Yes, Sir?”

There are a hundred reasons not to get up at six in the morning and write—I have to be disciplined “

“Can I have my ears?” Looking back at me, he says, “I can hear men. I just can’t hear women.”

Hearing aids inserted, we continue our conversation. Yes, he asserts, poor sales figures would ruin his day, “But I’ll tell you when it happens.”

He has every reason to be confident. Since his first book was published in the mid-Seventies, Lord Archer’s titles have dominated the best-seller charts. His tomes have

weathered some of the more salacious plot lines of his own life, too—including extra-marital affairs, expulsion from the Conservative party and imprisonment for perjury and perverting the course of justice. In fact, he wrote during his incarceration and— you guessed it—those books sold well too.

“A lot of people go through terrible troubles,” he shrugs. “Mine have just been more public that others. I’ve always had the advantage of storytelling running right through. You can’t be sacked from being an author; the people can stop buying you, but you can’t be sacked.”

Sitting amongst his resplendent gold and green furnishings (“The colours of the Hermitage. I saw them in there and said to my wife, you know, they’re just wonderful—we

must do them in the flat”), it’s quite obvious that even if people did stop buying his books, he wouldn’t exactly be thrown into hardship. So why does he continue?

“Certainly not for the money!” He gestures around him. “I have everything I want, thank you very much. I don’t want yachts or aeroplanes. But I do like being read. It gives me a great thrill to know millions of people are reading me.”

And yet he insists it’s a thrill that’s hard won.

Now 77, Lord Archer still maintains an almost militant approach to his work, rising at 6am to write in a twohours-on, two-hours-off pattern before going to bed shortly after 10pm.

“I have to be disciplined, otherwise I wouldn’t do it. There are a hundred reasons not to get up at six in the morning and write. I make myself do it, and actually it’s a routine I like very much indeed. I’ve just finished the 14th draft of a new book, and there’s at least three more to go.

investment. Does this, like many of the other difficult periods in his life, make him wish he could go back and tell his younger self a thing or two?

I wish there was an easier way but, if there was, I’d have found it.”

many know, of course, that Lord Archer first began writing to avoid bankruptcy, following a misjudged

“That question is a waste of time!” he exclaims, adjusting his slippers. “You can’t. I’ve reached where I am—I can’t change what has happened. The amount of people who think it would be nice to look back…I’d have been captain of the England cricket team; I’d have got a

gold medal at the Olympics. All the things I would have done—it’s a waste of time. I’m writing my books and praying they’ll be better than the one before. I don’t go backwards. I’m today.”

Perhaps that’s easy to say, when your life today is so obviously comfortable. Despite the many tribulations, he remains happily married to his wife of 51 years, Mary, maintains an active social life, and flits between his homes in London, Cambridgeshire and Majorca.

“I’ve had an amazingly privileged, wonderful life. I’m not in a position to complain,” he admits.

That’s not to say nothing troubles him, however—the descent of manners, for example. “I was brought up by a mother who was very polite, and I come from a family where you stand up when a lady comes into the the room. My sons stare at me in disbelief when I still do it.

Lord Archer has been married to his wife, Mary, for 51 years

So manners are important to him. What else?

“Loyalty. You go through life, and you’re lucky if you have a dozen really close friends.

“I’m just clearly completely out of touch; I went on the London Underground a couple of days ago, and there were two young boys sitting in a packed carriage. A pregnant woman got on, and they remained seated. I actually wanted to throw them on the tracks, I got so angry with them.”

“I’m by nature an optimist,” he continues. “I see the best in everyone, and I’m always shocked when I find someone is bad. Even now my children say I’m naïve.”

deSpite hiS poSitive outlook, a brush with cancer five years ago did bring a keener awareness of his own mortality. “Once you’re past 70, that’s the maker’s deal in the Bible:

three score year and ten. So you you’ve got to think, Wait a minute, any more is a bonus.

“My closest friend at Oxford [University], who was one of the great Olympic athletes of his day, has dementia. He was my best man, and he doesn’t know who I am. So I’m very aware of how lucky I’ve been.”

I remark that there can’t be much more he feels he needs to achieve.

“I think my chances of captaining the England cricket team have gone, I’ll admit this,” he chuckles. “But I’d love to be in the middle of Brexit. I’m by nature someone who likes performing, and it’s fun on the centre of the stage. I’m still able to talk to other politicians and hear their

views—and there’s a whole new generation telling me what they think is happening. But like all old fogies, I’m sitting outside watching now, and have been for years.”

It seems, then, that his books shall remain his focus. “I’ve got seven literary awards outside Britain, but I would love to win one in Britain,” he says, throwing his head back to laugh. “I had the great honour in South Africa to meet [the late] Nadine Gordimer. She said, ‘Jeffrey, do you think I wouldn’t trade my 10,000 sales for yours?’ She got the Nobel Prize, dear old thing. She told me to stop grumbling.”

And with that, we’re talking about numbers again. “As you know, my second novel Kane and Abel has just had its 100th reprint. I don’t think there’s another author alive who’s got 100 reprints. Harper Lee certainly did it, but she died last year. A hundred editions of your book in your lifetime? That’s pretty exciting.

“If you look at the authors who survive, they’re storytellers. Look at Dickens. Look at Dumas. Storytellers talk about themselves, of course they do—and I want people to still be talking about my books.”

He picks up his Kindle, and deftly scrolls through to see if there are any more reviews.

Tell Tale by Jeffrey archer (£12.99, macmillan) is published on november 2. read his new 100-word story on p77.

EXPLORING ICELAND

An island of wonders and discoveries, Iceland’s incredible natural beauty and array of cultural treasures make it a unique travel destination

Iceland’s spectacular landscape is the product of millennia of gradual, and sometimes explosive, change. Glaciers, thermal springs, waterfalls and volcanoes have moulded the island into a place of dramatic and austere beauty, and its relative isolation from the rest of the world has lent it a distinctive atmosphere and majestic character.

The Icelandic people have long relied on the sea as the bedrock of their economy, diet and culture, and the rugged charms of the land are central to the country’s sense of identity. Perhaps its the sky that makes Iceland an irresistible destination, which should be on everyone’s

bucket list—the Northern Lights are a spectacle of such powerful beauty that anyone lucky enough to witness them will never forget the experience. All over the country there is a chance to see the northern lights, but the best viewing times are when the nights are clear and dark between late August and mid-April.

Mix tradition with luxury

There are few places on earth where the amenities—and even luxuries—of the modern age sit in such close proximity to nature in its most untamed and thrilling state. The capital, Reykjavik, is a very modern city with all the facilities, comforts

and attractions, but it is remarkably quick and easy to escape its cosmopolitan poise and find yourself surrounded by raw, unspoilt wilderness.

As well as the country’s spectacular natural wonders, there is an impressive variety of cultural highlights on offer. A literary heritage that stretches back over centuries, a vibrant musical tradition that encompasses everything from opera to avant-garde electronica, a thriving art scene that embraces the cutting-edge and the traditional, and a world-class culinary offering. Icelandic food is delicious and sophisticated, relying heavily on the two staples; lamb—a product of the country’s

rich pastureland— and fish from the surrounding oceans. A great way to work off the calories from Iceland’s tempting food is by exploring its many natural wonders.

Seljalandsfoss is likely the country’s most picturesque waterfall and the natural rock formations at Dyrhólaey, the Jökulsárlón glacial lagoon and the black volcanic beach at Reynisfjara are all unmissable landmarks. The famous Blue Lagoon is also an undoubted highlight of the trip.

Iceland has become increasingly popular with travellers over the past few years. Its bold and singular characteristics truly set it apart from the rest of Europe— if you are curious, adventurous and appreciate beauty, Iceland is a must. n

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Reader’s Digest Guided Tours are offering a seven-day tour exploring Reykjavik, Thingvellir National Park, Geysir, Eyjafjallajokull Volcano, Vik and the Blue Lagoon. To find out more visit readersdigestguidedtours.co.uk or phone 0800 804 8373.

This year, Jeremy Vine, 52, clocks up three decades as a reporter and broadcaster for the BBC. He currently hosts Radio 2’s lunchtime Jeremy Vine Show, along with TV’s Crimewatch and Eggheads

“I Remember” Jeremy Vine

…GROWING UP FEELING LOVED. I was born in 1965 and grew up in Cheam, suburban Surrey. My mum was a housewife and my dad was a lecturer in civil engineering. My brother [comedian Tim Vine], and sister Sonya were two and five years younger than me. We spent our time playing together in the back garden and we were all show-offs.

My parents are very generous and loving. Mum was always there for us and, during school holidays, Dad was home too. They gave us so much love that we grew up feeling that we could go on to do whatever we wanted in the future.

…DAD BUILDING MY TREE HOUSE. It started as a couple of short planks fixed in the hollow of a tree. Then came a cabin floated above the tree on stilts. It even had a sliding window.

We spent three summers hammering, painting, sweeping, gluing and sanding. Dad could have done the job in a minute, but this was his way of ensuring that us boys owned the final result.

We spent hours of joy clambering around that tree house and even spent nights in the cabin. When I look at an old photo of that tree house, I see my father’s time and love.

…EARLY SCHOOL DAYS. My parents made financial sacrifices to send the three of us to private school. They only took photos on special occasions and this one [right] shows me setting off for my first day at Lynton Preparatory School in Ewell. I was five and loved to draw and paint.

At seven, I went to Aberdour Preparatory School in Burgh Heath. I remember sitting in our chilly kitchen on school mornings. The dark would be slowly lifting outside as Terry Wogan chatted on a tiny radio perched on the breakfast table, with the volume down low.

On a family holiday to Lust Glaze in Cornwall in 1974

…BEING AFRAID OF HELL. I was brought up to the sound of tambourines. My parents came from church backgrounds and every week they took us to a so-called evangelical church. Everyone seemed to show a desperate kind of joy and there was true kindness among those folk.

But sermon after sermon described hell. Apparently I could literally burn to death for infinity in a lake of burning sulphur. The anxious young me constantly worried about hell and I became genuinely scared.

I found myself getting very down when I couldn’t feel God’s love. So I went to university and forgot all about it. But in my twenties I put the pieces back together again and gradually understood that doubt is a key component of faith.

…MY BAND, THE FLARED GENERATION. I grew into a bolshie, argumentative teenager. I was sensitive, never athletic enough and never hip enough, with uncool parents who thought church was life’s main event.

I spent a lot of time in my bedroom blaring out music. I was massively into Squeeze, Elvis Costello and the dark, gothic music of Joy Division, who plugged me into another planet.

In 1981, Tim and I formed a band called The Flared Generation, in which I played drums and sang. We wanted to subvert the idea of punk and wrote songs that were almost exclusively about flared trousers! We only played about four concerts.

…STUDENT DAYS. I discovered the power of poetry when I was reading English at Durham University. When I first read William Butler Yeats’ Leda and the Swan—a sonnet retelling the story from Greek mythology—it moved me to tears.

I remember one particularly amazing afternoon when I climbed up some scaffolding onto the roof of my college to read Milton’s Paradise Lost. I sat in the sun and read it all in one go.

I also edited the student paper, Palatinate, and presented a show on Metro, a local radio station. I was probably pretty bad but it was thrilling to be on air, with 15,000 people listening to me.

I went undercover in Russia to buy a fighter jet from an arms dealer… it was so amateur the microphone was showing

…WORKING MY WAY UP. I was thrilled to join the Coventry Evening Telegraph as a trainee. There were 85 journalists sitting in a grand newsroom, using manual typewriters, in a room as noisy as a Panzer factory.

In 1987, I joined the BBC’s news trainee scheme and two years later became a reporter for Today, Radio 4’s news programme. For one story, I went undercover in Russia to try to buy a fighter jet from an arms dealer. It was wonderfully amateurish, with the microphone virtually showing out of the top of my bag.

Eight years later, I became the BBC’s Africa correspondent and spent three years travelling through 18 countries. I hadn’t travelled properly before so it was a serious education.

I saw the amazing joy in Africa that isn’t related to material possessions. But also such suffering. In Sierra Leone, for example, I met eight- and ten-year-old Damba and Emma. They

each had a hand and forearm hacked off by rebels of the Revolutionary United Front. Nothing I’ve seen before or since has appalled me more.

My 1999 film for Newsnight showed South African policemen beating black suspects, which resulted in 22 officers being suspended and two convicted.

…A QUIET MOMENT WITH TONY BLAIR.

I interviewed Tony Blair many times and he was always extremely personable.

On the election battle bus in 1997, there was a quiet moment when the future prime minister and I shared a cup of tea. He asked me if I was a Christian and I said I was a struggling one. He replied, “Me too.”

With his alternative punk band, The Flared Generation

In a couple of sentences we’d bonded over everything, from tea to God. That was his genius.

…MEETING AND MARRYING

RACHEL. I was asked to drive a camper van around the country for Newsnight’s on-the-road coverage of the 2001 election and during that time, I got together with Rachel Schofield, a reporter in Newcastle.

Rachel is wonderful—warm, bright and brilliant and so caring. We married on September 14, 2002, near Sidmouth in Devon where her family are from. It was a beautiful, sunny

day without a cloud in the sky. Rachel put her arm round me at the altar and my mum cried.

…HOW BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

CALMED MY NERVES. In 2003, I took over Jimmy Young’s lunchtime slot on Radio 2. He was much loved and succeeding him was a frightening thing to do.

Knowing I was a Morrissey fan, the producer had selected “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get” for the first song, but I thought it sounded like I was creeping up on the audience in the night! Instead, I nervously introduced “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen. It’s one of the greatest rock anthems ever and it was my own CD from home. When I hear it, it takes me right back to that first show.

…BECOMING

A FATHER.

When my first daughter Martha was born in 2004, I remember putting this tiny thing into a tiny car seat and driving home at about four miles per hour— so slowly I was getting hooted.

Anna rolled up in 2006 and every stage of our girls’ childhood is such a revelation and joy. Helping bring them up is the best job of the lot.

Jeremy interviewed Tony Blair for a Newsnight special in 2001 just before his second landslide win; (opposite) with wife Rachel

…CREATING A STIR ON STRICTLY.

My first dance was the cha-cha and at one point, I had to stretch out my arms as my partner Karen Clifton sank to her haunches with her back

Jeremy and Karen on Strictly

I had that thing a person rarely gets in broadcasting—the sense that history is spooling off the reel you’re holding

pressed against me. For some reason, I just shouted “Yowzers!”—a word I haven’t used since school.

I have to give Craig Revel Horwood credit for his one-liners. I’m convinced that the more brutal they were, the more people voted. After he said I danced “like a stork hit by lightning”, a viewer sent me a T-shirt with a picture of an electrocuted stork on it.

…MY 50TH BIRTHDAY. I got chatting to Glenn Tilbrook, the Squeeze singer on a train, and asked if he’d sing at my 50th. On the day, he launched straight into “Pulling Mussels (From the Shell)”.

Resolutely not taking pictures but trying to be in the moment, I saw two friends wipe tears from their eyes. We were back in our teenage bedrooms.

…HOW CORBYN CONVERTED MY LISTENERS. From the moment Jeremy Corbyn took over as Labour leader, my audience seemed allergic to his leftward tilt. But when he first appeared in my studio, placed his cycle helmet on the table, paused

mid-answer to think and sip his coffee, seeming utterly uninterested in crafting sound bites, listeners responded with positivity that gushed like an oil-strike. Whatever you think of Corbyn, he isn’t one of the robopoliticians we’ve come to hate.

…THE EU REFERENDUM. When I was co-presenting the EU Referendum results show, I had that thing that a

person rarely gets in broadcasting— the sense that history is spooling off the reel you’re holding.

The bookies had shut up shop with odds of 3:1 against Brexit by then, so the very first results to come in from Sunderland and Newcastle were absolutely electrifying. The studio air fizzed with expectation and we knew that the whole country was watching.

At 4.42am, 20 feet from me, David Dimbleby announced, “The British people have spoken, and the answer is, we’re out.”

…REALISING THAT LISTENERS

HAVE THE BEST STORIES. The fascinating reality of my listeners’ lives is the foundation stone of my radio show. People divide into astronomers and astronauts—those who look at the moon and those who walk on it. Why speak to a historian about the Falklands War when there’s a veteran on the line?

I’m regularly amazed by the power of the first-person account and remember one supremely tender moment. Two years before, I’d spoken to Rowena Kincaid, a listener who’d been told she had six months to live. Her ambition was to get to 40,

and when she did, I welcomed her to the studio and wished her happy birthday live on air.

She was still terminal but shining with a special kind of optimism. She told me, “I stay positive. It’s really difficult because you always have to be prepared for the punch in the face and the fall, then getting back up and dusting yourself down again. You just have to keep going. I enjoy my life and just want to keep it.”

I was transported. Those few simple sentences tell us almost everything we need to know about who we are and how precious our short lives should feel.

As told to Amanda Riley-Jones

What I Learnt: What My Listeners Say by Jeremy Vine is out now, published by Weidenfeld & nicolson at £18.99.

tW o peas in a poodle

Boredpanda.Com

One-year-old Japanese toddler Mame’s best friend is her giant poodle, Riku:

DON’T GET COLD FEET

Imbue your favourite place to sit with warmth and comfort with a RugBuddy under-rug heater

Cold floors and air currents caused by wallmounted radiators leave many of us with chilly feet, but turning up the heating is not always the solution. Strong convection air currents from radiators are warm at ceiling level but turn into cold draughts at floor level, leaving your upper half warm and your toes icy.

If this problem sounds familiar, you will be relieved to discover the new BeWarmer “RugBuddy” heater, which tackles this problem feet-first! The heater typically costs five pence per hour to run (varies with size) and provides warmth where you need it, under your feet.

Simply lay out the RugBuddy at the foot of your seat covering it with a rug, and plug

Additional info

✚ Use on top of tiles, wood, laminate and carpet

✚ Wide range of sizes

✚ “CE Marked”/ “IEC Approved” quality

✚ 30-day “No Quibble” guarantee

✚ Two years’ manufacturer’s guarantee

it in. Within 20 minutes you will be enjoying a warm floor that radiates heat gently upwards and keeps you snug.

You may even find, with a RugBuddy keeping you cosy, that you save money on central heating. The independent Energy Saving Trust calculates you save £80 per year for every degree you turn down the central heating.

FURTHER INFORMATION

Head to BeWarmer.co.uk to get your very own RugBuddy and redeem an exclusive Reader’s Digest o er: Use code RDNOV17 for a FREE safety plug adaptor when you order a RugBuddy bundle (recommended) this November.

Right RugBuddy by BeWarmer

Rapid and more effective treatments at specialist cardiology centres are curbing Europe’s number one killer

How Doctors Are Mending Broken Hearts

By Su S annah h ickling

Nine years ago, Rod Gamble was diagnosed with dangerous cardiac problems

Rod Gamble’s fatheR died of a heaRt attack at 59, and there were signs that Rod too might not live to see old age when he developed life-threatening cardiac rhythm problems in his early sixties. But thanks to ever-improving heart treatments, the retired parcel distribution company manager from Scunthorpe is still fit and active at 72.

After the self-declared “sports fanatic” collapsed twice while playing golf in 2008, doctors diagnosed an abnormally slow heartbeat. They fitted him with a pacemaker that delivered electrical impulses to stimulate his heart to beat at a normal speed. Rod came to be totally reliant on the device, which sat just under the skin beneath his left collarbone with a wire leading through a blood vessel to the heart.

But the pacemaker was not without its problems. It had to be replaced after six weeks when the pacing wire moved, and then Rod developed an infection after the battery—worn out from being used at 100 per cent capacity to keep him alive—had to be replaced in September 2014.

“Early one Sunday morning I got up to go to the bathroom,” he remembers. “I felt something running down my chest.” To his horror he saw that the infection had split the pacemaker scar wide open, the wire was hanging out and pus was oozing out of an inch-wide wound.

The infection meant that a simple

replacement was out of the question, but in June 2015 a new kind of pacemaker came to his rescue. The Micra Transcatheter Pacing System was the world’s smallest—a tenth of the size of a standard device—but, even better, it would be implanted into the heart itself, making it wireless and invisible. “When I saw it, I couldn’t believe it,” he says. “It was like a bullet with tiny hooks!”

Two years later, Rod plays golf most days, goes to the gym and is very thankful for medical advances. “All I want is to live as long as possible,” he says. “I’m thoroughly enjoying life.”

hEarT diSEaSE is the number one killer in Europe. According to the most recent statistics from the European Heart Network, more than 85 million people were living with cardiovascular disease (CVD) in Europe in 2015 and it accounts for 45 per cent of all deaths in Europe.

But the trend is downward.

Cardiovascular disease is no longer the main cause of mortality in Belgium, Denmark, France, Italy,

Photo, PREVI o US SPREAD, BY ALWIN GREYS o N

Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Portugal, Slovenia, Spain and the United Kingdom. In fact, annual deaths from cardiovascular disease in Europe are down from 4.3 million in 2008 to 3.9 million today.

Professor Mike Knapton, associate medical director at the British Heart Foundation, cites a number of reasons for this. “Levels of smoking have been reduced,” he says, “there have been improvements in diet and physical activity, and high blood pressure and cholesterol are better managed.”

What’s more, people also have

ONLY 50 YEARS AGO, BED RESt AND MORPHINE WERE tHE StANDARD tHERAPIES FOR A HEARt AttACK

to reduce mortality or improve quality of life have resulted in a useful range of interventions available to professions and patients.”

So what do today’s doctors have in their toolbox to mend broken hearts?

drugS

In addition to preventative medications—such as statins for high cholesterol and anti-hypertensives for high blood pressure—a wide range of drug therapies are available to treat cardiovascular problems when they occur. These include thrombolysis for a heart attack (known as myocardial infarction). This involves injecting clot-busting medicine into an artery to dissolve a blood clot and restore the blood supply to the heart.

rapid access to treatments at specialist cardiac centres. Only 50 years ago, bed rest and morphine were the standard therapies for a heart attack—when blood flow to the heart is interrupted by a blockage, usually caused by a build-up of fatty material in the artery, causing damage to the heart muscle. Survival rates were low.

But now, as Professor Knapton explains, “Recent advances in the treatment and management of CVD

Meanwhile, a new treatment for heart failure—when the pumping action of the heart is inadequate— has been touted as a wonder drug. Every day 10,000 Europeans are diagnosed with heart failure and 15 million are thought to be living with the condition. There’s a high risk of death within five years. However, in trials, Entresto (sacubitril valsartan) was shown to reduce cardiovascular death by 20 per cent compared to the standard treatment, hospitalisation for heart failure by 21 per cent, and death from any cause by 16 per cent.

“There was rapid improvement— in a few weeks—in the condition of the patients treated,” confirms Dr

François Picard, a heart specialist from Bordeaux Hospital, France.

angioplaSTy and STEnTing

To re-open an acutely blocked artery that’s caused a heart attack, you may receive clot-busting drugs or undergo an angioplasty, or both. Angioplasty involves tracing a catheter up an artery in a leg or arm to open up constricted coronary arteries under local anesthetic, and then inflating

damage. Without angioplasty, at least 20 to 30 per cent of people suffering a major heart attack would die.

ANGIOPLAStY tO REOPEN AN ARtERY IS A ‘vERY CLEAR LIFESAvING tHERAPY,’ SAYS PROFESSOR JOHANN BAuERSACHS

Sometimes one or more stents— a small stainless steel mesh tube—are inserted to keep the blood vessel open. These have improved markedly. The bare-metal stents of the 1990s led to re-narrowing of the artery in 30 per cent of cases. “Since 2005 we’ve had several generations of drugeluting [drug-coated or medicated] stents that secrete a special substance that prevents re-occlusion,” says Bauersachs. These have brought the rate of re-stenosis down to five to ten per cent.

Petr Rehousek, an orthopedic surgeon from the Czech Republic, is a living testament to the effectiveness of angioplasty and stenting. In 1996 at age 51, he had pain in his chest while cutting the grass and was diagnosed with a heart attack.

a tiny balloon to push back the blockage against the artery wall.

Germany has the highest rate of angioplasty procedures in the OECD. “It’s very clear from studies of more than 20 years ago that in patients with acute myocardial infarction you reduce mortality, improve survival and also prevent heart failure by this rapid re-opening of the artery with a catheter,” says Professor Johann Bauersachs, director of the Department of Cardiology and Angiology at Hannover Medical School. Speedy intervention prevents

After being given thrombolytic drugs, Petr was airlifted 93 miles to a hospital in Prague for an angioplasty. During the procedure doctors placed two stents in one artery. Since then he has had a further four angioplasties and five stents to treat narrowing in other arteries.

He finds the procedure itself uncomfortable. “When they put the catheter in, they block the artery for a short time and you have pain and feel pressure in your chest,” he says. But it’s made a lasting difference to his quality of life. “I can take part

in sports in the same way as before and in the same way as people who haven’t had angioplasty,” he says.

pacEmakErS

These life-saving electrical devices have been used to treat heart-rhythm problems since the 1960s. Standard pacemakers only treat a slow heart rate, while implantable cardioverter defibrillators (ICD) can also deliver an electric shock to restore a normal heart rhythm for people with a life-threatening heart rhythm disturbance, such as a very rapid heart rate.

Smaller than a matchbox, the device is implanted under the skin on the chest under local anesthetic and the wires guided to the heart via a vein. However, the new, smaller wireless pacemakers, such as the Micra, are introduced through a catheter via a vein in the leg and threaded up to the heart. “Aside from the slight pain from puncturing the vein and insertion of the delivery system, there’s no pain or discomfort,” says Dr Jens Brock Johansen of the cardiology department at Odense University Hospital, Denmark.

ValVE rEplacEmEnT

Rob Hackwill, 58, was born with a narrow aorta, the body’s main artery. When he was 13, doctors said there was nothing further they could do to fix his heart. “It worked very hard to push blood through a hole that

was too small,” explains Rob. “My heart was always racing.” He grew into a pale, thin adult. In 2001 he was told that his heart was dangerously enlarged and he was in imminent danger of a heart attack.

But the Lyon, France-based journalist was relieved to find that cardiac medicine had moved on since his childhood. Within weeks, he had open-heart surgery to implant a new heart valve made of plastic, which, with the help of blood-thinning drugs,

ThE FuTurE oF hEarT mEdicinE

New heart treatments are in development. among the most promising:

rEgEnEraTiVE mEdicinE. In the future, stem cells could be used to repair damage to the heart muscle. At present, this damage cannot be reversed.

gEnETic diagnoSiS and STraTiFiEd mEdicinE. By identifying gene mutations that cause premature heart disease and death, early treatment can be offered. treatments can be targeted to patients.

TEchnology. Advances in wearable technology allow more monitoring out of hospital, and enable patients to take charge of their condition.

should last him the rest of his life. “I had colour in my cheeks for the first time,” says Rob. He now leads a normal life and earlier this year became a father for the fourth time.

“The symptoms for someone who’s distressed and disabled by a damaged aortic valve will considerably improve with aortic valve replacement,” says Professor Knapton of the British Heart Foundation.

These days it can be undertaken with much less invasive operations. In transcatheter aortic valve implantation (TAVI), a valve is inserted under local anesthetic through a catheter in an artery from the groin or via an incision in the chest wall. It’s suited to elderly or very sick patients who are too frail for more invasive surgery. As with

an angioplasty, a balloon is inflated in the heart and a new valve is then positioned. Valves are often made of animal tissue and don’t require anticoagulant drugs, but they don’t last as long as a composite valve.

In Germany TAVI is more common than open-heart surgery. It’s often used to treat aortic stenosis— narrowing of the aortic valve—which affects one in ten people over the age of 80. “It is so easy to perform now and so safe,” says Hannover cardiologist Johann Bauersachs, whose oldest TAVI patient was 97.

caThETEr aBlaTion

Catheter ablation is used to treat heart-rhythm disturbances (arrhythmia) using fine wires threaded into the heart through

Photo BY G off E S t RUIKSMA

Patricia Vlasman, 46, is awaiting a new heart

blood vessels to burn or freeze small areas and create a scar that blocks abnormal electrical signals. It’s used on people with atrial fibrillation (AF)—a heart rhythm disorder that can cause stroke or coronary heart disease—whose heart rhythm remains abnormal in spite of drug treatment. There will be an estimated 14 to 17 million patients with AF in the European Union by 2030, with 120,000 to 215,000 new cases diagnosed each year. They often suffer debilitating palpitations, shortness of breath, tiredness, weakness and depression. But over half of people who have catheter ablation have no further symptoms.

ElEcTric cardioVErSion

For Amsterdam resident Patricia Vlasman, however, ablation was not able to bring permanent relief for her atrial fibrillation, caused by a serious congenital heart problem. The 46-year-old, who was born with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy—in which the muscular wall of the heart thickens and stiffens—has also had

“all the medications possible” and a pacemaker fitted. Patricia, author of Open-hearted—My Life with Cardiomyopathy and Heart Failure, finds that only electrical cardioversion helps restore normal heart rhythm.

Under short-acting general anaesthetic or sedation, medical staff give electric shocks using electrodes attached to large sticky pads placed on the chest and connected to a defibrillator machine. “After cardioversion my chest becomes calm again and that’s such a relief,” says the Dutch mother of one.

However, the treatment is only a short-term solution for Patricia. She’s had 103 cardioversions and doctors have now put her on the waiting list for a heart transplant. Around 2,000 Europeans receive a new heart every year and half will live for ten years or more, with some patients living more than 25 years after the transplant.

Vlasman knows she owes much to new techniques. “I’m lucky that I’ve been able to live longer and see my son growing up,” she says. “It makes me grateful every day.”

lunar S urpri SES

You may see it every night, but did you know these facts about the moon?

1) It’s not actually round, but egg-shaped.

2) A full day on the moon lasts the equivalent of 29.5 days on Earth.

3) It’s moving away from us as a rate of 3.78cm every year.

tips

to get your home ready to sell

If you are thinking of selling your property, you need to make sure it is market ready before you put it up for sale. Here are 5 tips to help you speed up your house sale.

Make minor repairs

Leaky taps, dents in walls, broken tiles, doors that don’t close, dead light bulbs—fix them all and finish any DIY projects. You are more likely to attract a buyer if your property doesn’t need any repairs or work. Also think about giving the walls a fresh coat of paint in a neutral colour.

Declutter and depersonalise

Clutter can make your home seem smaller than it is so get rid of anything you don’t need or put it into storage. Remember

that during viewings people might snoop through your cupboards and wardrobes so consider decluttering and tidying these too. Rearrange any furniture to make the rooms look as big as possible and also remove as many family photos and items of personal taste as you can to help people imagine themselves living there.

Make it bright and airy

Consider swapping heavy curtains or blinds for more lightweight ones to let extra light into your home. Regularly open windows and doors to let fresh air in and clear any lingering smells. Refrain from smoking in the property too as the smell can stick to carpets meaning they may need replacing by the new owner.

Property Buying service

If all this sounds like too much hassle you could consider using a professional property buying company such as Reader’s Digest Property. We will make a cash offer for your home, with no fees and no chain—and we can complete the sale in any timescale to suit you. To find out more call us on 0800 433 7979 or visit readersdigestproperties.co.uk

Think about the outside too

To sell your home you’ve got to get people through the door. Sprucing up the outside of your property to make it attractive to as many people as possible will help encourage more viewings. And, don’t forget the garden. Make sure it’s neat, nurtured and tidy to show off its full size and potential.

Clean

Before putting your property on the market give it a thorough clean and keep it clean throughout the viewing process. Think about sprucing up the carpets and also any areas around the house where people might want to get a better idea of size— such as the inside of kitchen cupboards. ■

Cold Comfort

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING

Susannah is twice winner of the Guild of Health Writers

Best Consumer Magazine Health Feature

SINCE THE NIGHTS ARE GETTING SHORTER and the weather’s worse than ever, we’d be forgiven for feeling a tad depressed. Scandinavian winters are even darker and colder than ours, but Nordic people are among the world’s happiest, according to this year’s World Happiness Report. So what can we Brits learn from our Nordic neighbours?

MAKE TIME TO SOCIALISE. Swedes embrace the concept of “fika”, which translates as “to have coffee”. But it’s more than that. It means connecting with others. So sit down, put your phone away and really focus on the conversation.

CYCLE OFTEN. The Danes in particular are keen cyclists— almost a quarter of journeys in Copenhagen involve a bike. But cycling doesn’t just get you from A to B; it’s an excellent cardio workout that will help develop core and lower body strength. An added bonus: studies show it’s good for your mental health too.

SERVE UP NORDIC NOSH. You’ve heard of the Mediterranean diet, but now it seems that the Nordic diet can bring health benefits too. It’s all about whole grains and seasonal, regional

food—think rye bread, berries, root vegetables, seafood and free-range organic lamb, beloved in Iceland. For a creamy but low-fat yogurt packed with protein, try skyr.

EMBRACE “HYGGE”. In northern Scandinavia, the days are short and the nights are long and cold during autumn and winter. That’s what makes “hygge” so important. There’s no direct translation, but it describes a warm, cosy and relaxing atmosphere. How to achieve it? Try sharing a home-cooked meal, lighting candles for dinner or enjoying a walk after work.

SPEND LOTS OF TIME OUTSIDE. Scandinavians believe it’s good to be outside in the fresh air—whatever the weather. So create as many opportunities as you can to wrap up and enjoy nature.

Feel like you’re short of puff? The good news is it’s possible to improve your lung capacity.

DON’T SMOKE. It may seem obvious, but smoking is the worst thing you can do if you want healthy lungs.

GET FIT. Exercise until you sweat for at least 30 minutes every day. This can be as simple as brisk walking, cycling or a YouTube aerobics workout. Even walking up and down the stairs several times will help keep your lungs in good shape. Yoga is another good exercise if you want to breathe easy.

MAKE MUSIC. Singing or learning a wind instrument are proven ways to boost lung capacity.

LOSE WEIGHT. Extra fat pressing on your chest or diaphragm will make breathing harder, so try to lose any extra kilos.

DO BREATHING EXERCISES. Breathe from your abdomen for five minutes each day. This is diaphragmatic breathing, which trains and strengthens your diaphragm so that it’s less of an effort to take in each breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, filling your lungs from the bottom up. Your stomach should push out. Exhale and repeat.

7 Little-Known Clues To Women’s Cancers

SWOLLEN LEG. While most women know that abnormal bleeding could be the sign of cancer, there are other symptoms you could easily miss, such as one leg feeling more swollen than the other. In conjunction with other symptoms, this could be a sign of cervical cancer.

NEEDING TO WEE. If you’re always dashing to the loo or feeling bladder pressure, this can be a sign of ovarian or fallopian cancer.

NOT FEELING HUNGRY. No appetite or feeling constantly full? This is another symptom to watch out for.

QUEASINESS. If you constantly feel sick or seem to be suffering from permanent indigestion, check it out.

TIRED ALL THE TIME. We all feel weary occasionally, but if fatigue is getting in the way of your everyday activities, it might be a sign that something isn’t right.

WEIGHT LOSS. If the kilos are falling off you for no explicable reason, see your doctor.

BELLY BLOAT. Feeling bloated or having a bigger tummy than usual is sometimes linked to ovarian or fallopian cancer. As with all these symptoms, if it persists for more than two weeks, go to your GP.

HEALTH HINT: CLEAN CONSCIENCE

Research suggests that triclosan, used in some cleaning agents, toothpaste and body washes, causes resistance to some antibiotics used for urinary tract infections, sinusitis, bronchitis and pneumonia. The researchers suggest you’re better off using soap and water to clean yourself and bleach to clean your home.

NAIL IT

To make sure you have strong healthy nails, try these tips: Avoid too much soap and water. Water and detergents are major culprits when it comes to breaking or splitting, so let rubber gloves take the punishment.

Moisturise. Use hand cream on your nails whenever they feel dry. Petroleum jelly or olive oil work too.

File nails correctly. None of this sawing back and forth. The best way to keep nails strong is to file in one direction only.

Use nail polish. It helps protect your nails. Use a clear varnish if you don’t like colour.

Stop biting your nails. It helps if you keep nails short, but you can also use an elastic band or a stress ball to fiddle with instead.

For Feet’s Sake

Three out of four people who suffer from diabetes-related foot ulcers are men, according to Diabetes UK. This makes them more likely to have a toe, foot or leg amputated. So if you have diabetes, it’s important you get the annual foot check you’re entitled to on the NHS. This should be done by a doctor or nurse. Here are some simple steps you can take to ensure your feet stay healthy:

n Check your feet daily for any signs of redness, breaks in the skin, pain, build-up of hard skin or changes in shape. These could be warning signs of early foot problems.

n At the first sign of any issues, tell your doctor straight away. Problems can escalate quickly.

n Wash and dry your feet every day—especially between the toes. Don’t soak them in water as this can increase the risk of damage.

n Moisturise every day, but not in between the toes as this can make infections more likely.

n Check your shoes every day for anything that may rub.

n Cut your toenails carefully and don’t cut down the side of your nails.

n Don’t use corn-removing plasters or blades as these can damage healthy skin.

Beat That Hangover

By fion A H ick S

Fiona studies

Naturopathic Nutrition at the College of Naturopathic Medicine, and is a member of the Nutrition Society

the Party season is just around the corner , and with it a fair bit of morning-after suffering. Here’s what to eat to help you feel perky—even after that third glass…

SnAck on crudiTéS. Crudités and dip, such as hummus and carrots, contain protein and healthy fats that slow the entry of alcohol into your bloodstream, naturally moderating your consumption—and stopping you feeling woozy!

drink wATEr—And LoTS of iT! Alcohol is a diuretic, which means it increases the amount you wee. This in turn depletes your body of water. Aim to drink one glass of water for every

BEST in SEASon: BuTTErnuT SQuASH

why eat it? The bright orange flesh of this winter squash is a rich source of beta-carotene, which is converted into vitamin A in your body. This in turn helps to support healthy skin and eyes.

How to cook it? Cube and roast butternut squash at 180C for 30–40 minutes to intensify its sweet, nutty flavour. It’s very filling, which means it can be a good alternative to white potatoes.

glass of the hard stuff. Failing that, make sure you have a large glass before bed, and another first thing on rising.

BrEAkfAST on EggS. Drinking alcohol can send your blood sugar haywire, which leads to cravings. To regain control, you need to eat a meal that provides a good source of consistent, slow-release energy. Scrambled eggs on wholemeal toast will do the trick nicely.

HEAT up SomE HomEmAdE Soup.

Alcohol irritates your gut lining, which is why many of us have a sore abdomen the next day. Soup can be soothing, especially if it has a base of homemade stock, because this contains amino acids that help to repair the gut wall.

Try a classic chicken soup with lots of antioxidant-rich vegetables.

TAkE SomE viTAmin c.

This essential vitamin helps your liver to metabolise alcohol, thus getting it out of your system more quickly. You can chow down on papaya or peppers, or take a good-quality supplement when you wake up.

SEEk ouT prickLy pEAr. It sounds bizarre, but one trial found that participants taking prickly pear extract before drinking experienced significantly fewer hangover symptoms later on. You could try the whole fruit (which hails from Mexico) or, perhaps more conveniently, a dried version in capsule form.

Blood & Bureaucracy

BY MAX PEMBERTON

Max is a hospital doctor, author and newspaper columnist

I’M GOING TO SCREAM.

“Please press 3 on your key pad now for computer services,” says the electronic voice at the other end of the phone.

“I AM PRESSING 3,” I shout into the ether, before I’m unceremoniously disconnected.

Dealing with automated telephone messages is enraging at the best of times, but it’s almost too much to bear when you’re trying to arrange a blood transfusion for Mrs Ashcroft, who’s haemorrhaging in front of you.

I try the telephone again. “Press 1 for hotel services. Press 2 for portering services. Press 3 for computer services,” and so on. I’ve no idea what hotel services does, but I’m very tempted to press 1 just to see if they can arrange a European city break and get me out of this mess.

I ABANDON THE TELEPHONE and decide on the old-fashioned method of grabbing a nurse, getting down on my knees and sobbing, “You’ve got to help me.” This one usually works.

‘“Press the star button a couple of times,” says Rachel, the nurse. Miraculously I’m connected to a very disgruntled voice: “Yeah?” I can hear the smack of gum being chewed at the other end of the phone.

“I urgently need some help. The computer isn’t working and I’ve got to order a cross-match for a blood transfusion. And I need a porter to bring the blood over and…”

“What service centre ya calling from?” interrupts the voice.

“What?” I ask.

“What’s the unit code?”

“The what?” I repeat.

These are just the choice highlights from a telephone conversation that succeeded only in establishing that I didn’t know the unit code and was going to have to fix the problem myself.

Under the Private Finance Initiative scheme, introduced years ago by the Labour government to help the struggling NHS, building projects and certain services are run by private companies, which the NHS then rents back off them. The intentions were good—but it’s proved a costly, chaotic and bureaucratic mistake.

The computer system is run by one company, catering by another, porters and cleaners by another—but the telephone system you use to access

these companies is run by a totally different company, sub-contracted out by the computer company. None of these companies seem to communicate with each other and trying to get anything done is like banging your head against a brick wall.

“ITS ALRIGHT, MAX,” says Rachel, who appears holding bags of blood. “I’ve sorted it.”

I stare in disbelief. “I went and got it myself. I know the chap in transfusion so he let me have it. You need to sign for it though.”

We connect the blood and Mrs Ashcroft gets her transfusion, no thanks to computer services.

“I owe you one,” I say to Rachel. If I ever do press 1 and get that city break, I think I’ll take her.

MEDICAL CONDITIONS—EXPLAINED

Cataracts

WHAT IS IT?

A cataract affects the lens of the eye. A healthy lens is clear, letting light enter the eye, but in a cataract the lens becomes cloudy—preventing the person from seeing clearly. Cataracts gradually worsen over time so if left untreated, the person will go blind.

WHAT CAUSES IT?

Cataracts most commonly affect older people. It’s not clear what actually causes cataracts to develop, although they’re associated with diabetes, highdose corticosteroids, eye surgery and those with a family history. Excessive alcohol, smoking and poor diet are also factors.

HOW’S IT TREATED?

In the UK most people aged 65 and over have some degree of visual impairment caused by cataracts. The only proven treatment is surgery. This is a relatively simple procedure that takes about 40 minutes to complete. It involves making a very small incision in the eye and then removing the cloudy lens and replacing it with a clear one made from plastic.

WHAT CAN THE PATIENT DO?

Because it’s not clear exactly what causes age-related cataracts, there’s no clear way of avoiding them. However, we do know that exposure to sunlight is a factor, so it’s recommended that people wear sunglasses when outside in the sun. However, it’s important that they have a UV filter. Stopping smoking has also been shown to reduce the incidence of cataracts.

Eating plenty of fruit and vegetables improves vitamins and minerals in the diet, and this has also been shown to reduce the risk of cataracts. Cataracts can affect your ability to drive so, if you have them, it’s a legal requirement to inform the DVLA.

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Return to flanders Fields

by c R a I g S t ENNE tt

Almost a century after the end of the First World War, families can finally lay their long-lost relatives to rest

The Last Post Ceremony at The Menin Gate Memorial, Ypres, Belgium; (opposite page) poppies in Flanders Fields, near Passchendaele

ablood-REd SuN

IS SEttINg over the Belgian town of Ypres in West Flanders. Caught underneath its dying rays is a crowd of several hundred people, who are congregating on the eastern side of this medieval municipality. They’re standing in absolute silence at The Menin Gate, the memorial to the 90,000 or more Commonwealth soldiers who died in the battles at the Ypres Salient during the First World War—and whose bodies have never been found.

It’s approaching 8pm and four buglers move into position beneath the arches of the renowned war memorial, ready to lift their instruments to play the haunting melody of the “Last Post”. The men belong to the voluntary Last Post Association, which—excepting the years of Belgium’s occupation by the Wehrmacht during the Second World War—have performed at this spot every single evening since 1928. They play the military’s traditional call for the end of the day’s activities, in remembrance of the fallen soldiers from the Western Front who have gone to their final resting place.

are her great-great-great-uncle William Brown’s service medals.

As the last notes of the bugles fade, Grace, Sheila and Sarah move forward to lay a wreath in memory of their fallen relative’s sacrifice.

the last post association have plaYeD heRe eveRY evening since 1928

Grace’s grandfather, retired police officer Roy Bowden, is also taking part in this evening’s act of remembrance. He’s a member of Voices in Achord, the visiting choir from Stockport, which has been granted permission from the Last Post Association to perform a hymn. The voices of the choir resound through the mausoleum’s vaulted arches with an evocative recital of “Calling My Children Home”, its words rewritten by Roy to better fit the occasion. Other organisations and individuals come forward to lay wreaths. Some of the gathered crowd have been moved to tears as the ceremony reaches its conclusion.

Three-year-old Grace Carter, from Huddersfield, is tightly holding both her mother Sarah’s and her aunty Sheila’s hands. Pinned to her dress

“We showed Grace the pictures of her great-great-great-uncle William and explained to her that we were going to a special place in Belgium to sing and lay a wreath for him,” says Sarah, Grace’s mum, as she explains the background of the pilgrimage that she, her husband and children—plus further members of three generations of her family— have made.

Clockwise from top left: Private William Brown of the Durham Light Infantry; The Menin Gate Memorial; three-year-old Grace Carter wearing her great-greatgreat-uncle’s medals; every evening since 1928 the Last Post has been played under The Menin Gate at 8pm; Artillery Wood Cemetery

“It’s difficult for a child to grasp the meaning of it all. Grace wanted to know if William was dead forever and if she could still see him. So we explained as best we could why we’re coming here and what had happened to William. Grace wanted to lay the wreath and be involved in some way in his memory. She wanted to wear his medals. It’s very important to us as a family to have come here together to remember him, and I’m proud that Grace was part of that.”

PRIvatE 54165

WIllIam bRoWN, of the 12th Battalion Durham Light Infantry, fell in 1917 during the Battle of Menin at the tender age of 24. Members of his descended family have travelled as a group to pay their respects to his memory on the 100th anniversary of his death. His name is chiselled into the stonework of The Menin Gate, alongside a further 54,394 Commonwealth soldiers whose bodies were never recovered. Tyne Cot cemetery, just outside the town of Passchendaele, lists a further 34,984 names. Here, there are graves for those whose remains were at least found at the end of battle. But not all were identifiable; the term “known unto God” is carved into numerous headstones at Tyne Cot.

Seventy-year-old Dorothy Keates, Grace’s great aunt, has visited the Ypres War Memorial before, as part of a school field trip in the 1960s. She recalls her family’s memories of her uncle William: “Our grandmother Nellie would constantly talk to us about her brother William. We’re a close family and I know that Nellie always held a hope that William’s remains would one day be found, so he could have a proper burial. It was felt that without a body there was no real closure.”

FlanDeRs is still, aFteR all these YeaRs, giving Up heR WaR DeaD

William’s name is included at the family grave of Nellie’s husband and parents at Willow Grove Cemetery in Stockport. It simply reads, “William Brown, killed in action 1917”.

Flanders is still, after all these years, giving up her First World War dead. In April 2013, the remains of six Allied soldiers were discovered during an excavation of ground around Ypres, as part of the development of a new housing estate. Two of the six were identified through DNA analysis.

When these servicemen were due to be re-buried in Ypres last year, 73-year-old Kathleen Grantham from Hessle, near Hull—a descendent of serviceman Albert William Venus— discovered that her relative had been found. “I thought that my great-uncle Albert had died in the Battle of the

Somme,” Kathleen remembers, “but almost by accident

I found out that he’d died in the Battle of Bellewaarde Ridge near Ypres in 1915. I’d been researching our family tree via ancestry websites, trying to trace Albert, when Piet Chielens from the Flanders Field Museum contacted me.

Clockwise from left: fallen soldier

William Brown’s name on the family grave at Willow Grove Cemetery; Albert William Venus; graves at Tyne Cot Cemetery

“I hadn’t been able to find a record of Albert’s death, and his name is not on The Menin Gate where it should be. I got an email from Piet saying they’d found his body, along with other servicemen, and had identified him through DNA analysis from another family descendent!”

Kathleen made the pilgrimage

to Ypres to be at her great-uncle’s re-burial. “The service was unbelievable, with full military honours and so many people from Ypres who came out to pay their respects. It’s a great comfort to me to know where he is. I can account for all our family and where they’re laid to rest—but Albert was always my missing link. We’ve at last found him, and it made me cry on and off before, during and after that day. It’s hard to find words to explain how I felt.”

acRoSS at thE mEmoRIal muSEum PaSSchENdaElE 1917, director Steven Vandenbussche sits in his office leafing through some

maps. Archaeological excavations are being undertaken around the village of Zonnebeke, and Steven is looking at an overlay of where the excavations will progress. Part of the museum’s mission is aiding the archaeologists with historical research, so he’s sifting through old documents outlining troop movements and records of battle.

War diaries and personal letters from soldiers of both sides are scrutinised for clues of the timeline of fighting and frontline positions. “Based on our research on what has happened in the area of the Ypres Salient, we can alert the digging

teams when we expect them to find a high body count,” Steven says. “We’ll know what regiments were stationed there and if and when it changed hands in the fighting. It gives the teams some guidance on what they should expect to unearth.”

Exercising caution is an essential part of the job for the archaeological teams. In the prelude to the Battle of Passchendaele in 1917, the British fired more than four million artillery and mortar rounds into German positions as a “softening-up procedure” before the main attack. A proportion of this ordnance never exploded, and evidence of the fact that the landscape of Flanders is still

Clockwise from above: Tyne Cot Cemetery; archeological teams dig around Zonnebeke; the Memorial Museum; artillery shells on display © craig stennet

an “active” war zone is discovered every spring when farmers plough their fields.

Twenty-nine-year-old education manager Simon Louagie, based at the Peace Village in Messines, articulates the problems faced in the area quite clearly: “They call it ‘the Iron Harvest’ due to the amount of munitions the ploughs bring up. In April this year, explosives from the First World War went off under the tractors of four different farmers in the village of Wijtschate. Luckily, these days the tractors are of such a size that they absorbed the explosions and all the farmers were OK. However, a couple of years ago three agricultural workers were killed when they came across munitions from the fields. The war isn’t over yet.”

thRee FaRM WoRKeRs WeRe KilleD When theY caMe acRoss MUnitions

Bart. “Research on the pieces of uniform and military insignia we’ve found suggests that they’re from British, Canadian and Australian regiments. We still have to be cautious—but after we’ve informed the police [all discoveries of human remains have to be reported to the police] we’ll inform the Australian government about their serviceman. The Australians will repatriate him, as is their standard procedure, and undertake DNA tests to determine who he was. They’ll try to find and inform any descended family members. The others will be interred at Tyne Cot Cemetery, marked as unknown soldiers from the First World War.”

baRt dE SmalE, team leader of the archaeologists, and project manager David Janssens are discussing the dig’s progress in one of the museum’s conference rooms. “We’ve already unearthed seven bodies in the test trenches we’ve dug so far,” explains

Mulling over the purpose and meaning of their excavation work, project manager David Janssens concludes: “You know, we are three generations away from directly experiencing war in Europe. It’s our and the museum’s job to keep reminding people how it was. For those men in the Ypres Salient, it was truly hell on earth.”

o NE-SE co N d W o N d ER

the average speed of a Heinz ketchup squirt is 0.28 miles per hour. S

Comedian and actor Robert Webb, 45, is one half of comedy duo Mitchell and Webb. Their sitcom, Peep Show, was the longest running in Channel 4’s history

If I Ruled the World Robert Webb

I’d order elections immediately and have myself arrested. No one person should rule the world because we’re all basically mad, as I’m about to demonstrate…

Brian Blessed would have his own TV Channel called “Welcome Back to Me!” Everyone could watch Brian on a 24-hour feed telling us about his fabulous career and theatrical anecdotes while going about his day. You get the feeling Brian wakes up in the morning and booms, “I’m awake now, how marvellous!” Watching his delight in being himself would be an excellent antidote to the cynicism of our age.

People who get on a train while others are still trying to get off would be glued to a cruise missile and fired into a mountain. The knuckle-headed idiocy, as well as the plain bad manners, makes my mind boggle.

The amount of drama and comedy on TV would be doubled. Mainly at the expense of cooking, sport and anything featuring Simon Cowell. If you ask people to name their three favourite TV shows of all time, they’re likely to choose something with David Attenborough and a couple of sitcoms. We love sitcoms because the characters get to feel part of the family—that’s definitely how I felt about Del Boy and Rodney in Only Fools and Horses. I wish we were making more shows like that; the talent is out there.

I’d triple the salaries of elected politicians but make full nudity mandatory in debating chambers. I once spent some time with nudists and, although it felt strange to be chatting about mortgages and house prices with no clothes on, a mutual acceptance of our wobbly, wonky, sticking-out bits was a good way to feel compassion for each other. Politicians need a lot more humility, so nudity in the chambers would help them to see each other as vulnerable fellow human beings instead of just shouting rudely all the time. Needless to say broadcasts from parliament would go back to radio only.

I’d abolish the internet. Let’s face it, we were definitely happier without it. I’d keep texting because it would be horribly inconvenient to have to do

anything like pick up the phone or write a letter, but social media would definitely go. It’s so addictive it should come with a massive health warning. I’m on Twitter and, while I’m grateful for some of the people I’ve met, I resent the wasted hours of my life looking at nonsense.

In my palace of well-paid staff with strong union rights, I’d hold court entertainments. In these Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un would be made to tell the story of Dumbo through a combination of mime, dance, juggling and wrestling.

Men would feel more comfortable talking about their feelings. Seriously. No one would be allowed to say “man up” and every time a boy looked like he was about to express fear, anxiety or embarrassment, he could just go right ahead. If boys don’t express feelings, it’s very hard for them to take responsibility for them and their subsequent actions. We feel like we’re letting the side down if we get upset. If my wife asks, “What’s the matter?”, I have to remind myself her question is not a challenge to my pride—she’s simply expressing empathetic concern. As told to Caroline Hutton

Robert’s new coming-of-age memoir, How Not to Be a Boy, is out now, published by Canongate.

Bonfire

Remember, remember the fifth of November with seven Bonfire Night celebrations you’ll never forget

BY ANNA WALKER

The Lewes Bonfire Society was formed in 1853. Before that, the night was one of mayhem

Lewes Bonfire Night EAST SUSSEX

Once a year this sleepy town is transformed into a burning parade of lit crosses and flaming pop-culture effigies as the townsfolk board up their windows and take to the streets.

The people of Lewes are honouring a tradition dating back to the burning of 17 local protestant martyrs under the reign of Mary I. Tradition has transmuted over the years to include tributes to those lost in other conflicts,

but burning crosses and spectacular costumes have been mainstays of the night for over 150 years.

Keep an eye out for giant tableaus of “Enemies of the Bonfire”. Recent years have seen replicas of Donald Trump, Sepp Blatter and Theresa May all feel the force of the flames.

Says the Bonfire Society’s captain of ranks Mick Symes, “Our tableau is top secret. All I can say is it will represent something extremely well known, although I don’t think we’ll bother with Brexit…everyone’s sick of that!”

■ Visit lewesbonfire.com for more information

Turning the Devil’s Stone

DEVON

“Every November 5, the bell ringers of our little village save the world from catastrophe. Not that the majority of people will be aware of this…” So explains Paul Watts, proprietor of the Shebbear village website.

The centrepiece of Shebbear village square is a rather unceremoniouslooking rock known as the Devil’s Stone. Weighing about a ton, it’s

unusual because it wasn’t forged from any local rock formation.

Some claim it was once a pagan altar but locals—including Paul—are quick to explain that “the devil is trapped under the rock, but he’s continually trying to dig himself out to wreak havoc on mankind.

Fortunately, our villagers turn the hefty stone and thwart his efforts in a ceremony that pre-dates time.” In fact, some believe the stone turning to be the oldest ceremony in Europe.

Visitors can expect to encounter Morris dancers, face painting and a barbecue—fit entertainment for avoiding the end of the world.

■ Visit shebbearvillage.co.uk for more information

Tar Barrels Festival EXETER

In a beloved tradition that’s been 400 years in the making, each November 5, 87 “barrel rollers” descend upon the town of Ottery St Mary, on the eastern outskirts of Exeter, holding burning barrels aloft. It’s the only town in the country to still carry full-sized, lit tar barrels through its streets to mark Bonfire Night.

There are many stories that attempt to explain the origin of this unusual ritual. Though it’s likely to have begun in response to the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, some claim the barrels served the more practical purpose of fumigating local cottages or warning townsfolk of the approach of the Spanish Armada.

Three weeks before Bonfire Night, the community begins to gather material for a giant bonfire and with a week to go, it usually stands at an impressive 35ft high, and 50ft wide.

■ Visit tarbarrels.co.uk for more information

Skinningrove Bonfire YORKSHIRE

Starting life as a village arts project in 1982, the annual Skinningrove Bonfire was originally planned as a one-off event. Such was its charm however, that it’s returned to the North Yorkshire village every year since.

Local children create decorative festoons while volunteers build the bonfire structure—each year a unique, creative design—and organise the event itself, which welcomes around 5,000 visitors.

The night begins at 6.30pm with musical performances, followed by a

firework display and the lighting of the bonfire. The event’s treasurer Chris Joy’s favourite structure so far was “the Olympic Stadium, because it opened like a flower as it burned.”

This year visitors should expect the bonfire to resemble a bird in flight, celebrating the rich local heritage of keeping and racing pigeons.

Says Chris, “Our community-led bonfire brings a sense of enormous pride to an often overlooked village in a part of the country many have never heard of.”

■ Search Skinningrove Bonfire on Facebook for more information ©

Hopetoun House EDINBURGH

With a Game of Thrones-worthy theme of ice and fire, this year’s firework festivities at Hopetoun House are set to be a crowd pleaser.

One of Scotland’s finest stately homes, Hopetoun dates back to the 17th century and has been home to the Hope family since the late 1600s. The stunning 18th-century exterior makes for one of Britain’s most prestigious firework backdrops.

Says marketing manager Louisa Kerr, “This event is a wonderful treat. Attending a professionally organised display lets everyone enjoy the night in our safe and beautiful surroundings. My favourite part— other than the display itself—is the countdown to the bonfire being lit. We spend months here on the estate gathering up the bits and pieces which will go up in flames, so it’s quite a spectacle!”

■ Visit hopetoun.co.uk for more information

River of Light

LIVERPOOL AND WIRRAL

The skies are set to light up on both sides of the River Mersey with a dazzling musical fireworks display in Liverpool and Wirral.

With a show designed by Titanium Fireworks—the same team behind the Mayor of London’s New Year’s Eve Party—the display launches from the water’s edge and huge barges float on the Mersey, with key venues along the waterfront blasting out the specially designed soundtrack.

Wirral council leader, Phil Davies, says, “With huge, spectacular displays with perfect vantage points for watchers on both sides of the river, this will be a truly unforgettable experience. I know thousands of people will flock to the waterfront to enjoy the show. We’ll have great entertainment and activities on offer, and I hope everyone enjoys what is set to be a fantastic, free family event.”

■ Visit riveroflightfireworks.co.uk for more information

This is the second year for the acclaimed River of Light fireworks display

Tutbury Castle DERBYSHIRE

Occupied since the Stone Age and first recorded in 1071, the historic Tutbury Castle turns its eye further back in history than the Gun Powder Plot for its spectacular firework night celebrations.

For the past 15 years, while the rest of the UK have been busy burning effigies of the traitorous Guy Fawkes, Tutbury Castle has been invaded by a siege of raucous Vikings, who sweep the ramparts with flaming torches to make their way towards a giant Viking ship, perched high upon the castle’s motte.

Ferocious moonlit battles and firework displays follow, culminating

in the dramatic burning of the ship structure in the style of traditional Viking funerals.

Hungry visitors will be treated to a feast worthy of Viking warriors themselves with a delicious barbecue and bar.

■ Visit tutburycastle.com for more details

Will your Bonfire Night go off with a bang? Email readersletters@ readersdigest.co.uk and tell us your plans.

HAYLEY BLACKLEDGE/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO

100-Word-Story

Our annual short-story competition is back—and here’s a brand new tale to inspire you. As ever, we look forward to reading yours! Competition

WIN

£1,000!

All shortlisted stories will be published in a special anthology by Lulu.com

PLUS: Winners will have the chance to include a longer version of theirs!

The Perfect Murder

by Jeffrey Archer

ALBERT STARED AT THE PRISONER standing in the dock, well aware he hadn’t committed the murder.

Albert had struck the fatal blow moments after Yvonne admitted she was seeing another man. He slipped out of her flat and into a telephone box on the other side of the road. When his rival appeared, he dialled 999.

Twenty minutes later two detectives dragged the innocent man out of her apartment, threw him into the back of a police car and sirens blazing, sped off.

“Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty of murder?”

The foreman rose.

“Guilty,” said Albert.

Rules: Please ensure that submissions are original, not previously published and exactly 100 words long (not including the title). Don’t forget to include your full name, address, email and daytime phone number when filling in the form. We may use entries in all print and electronic media. Contributions become world copyright of Reader’s Digest

Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Ltd (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all others associated with this competition, their immediate families and relatives living in an employee’s household. The judges’ decision is final.

Terms and conditions: There are three categories—one for adults and two categories for schools: one for children aged 12–18 and one for children under 12.

In the adults category, the winner will receive £1,000 and two runners-up will each receive £250.

In the 12–18s and under-12s categories, the winners will each receive a Fire HD 8 Tablet and

a selection of STAEDTLER products worth £50, plus two STAEDTLER classpacks of pencils for their school. The two runners-up in both categories will each receive a Kindle E-Reader.

Please submit your stories online at readersdigest.co.uk/100-word-story-competition by 5pm on February 19.

The editorial team will pick a shortlist of entries, which this year will be combined into a shortstory anthology and published by our partner lulu.com. The book will be entered into Lulu’s retail channels and promoted for one year. Winners of the categories will have an opportunity to write a longer version of their stories for inclusion in the book.

The three best stories in each category will be posted online at readersdigest.co.uk on February 27. You can vote for your favourite, and the one with the most votes wins the top prize. Voting will close at 5pm on March 19 and the winning entries will be published in our June issue. The entry forms and more details are on our website.

A word from our sponsor

Lulu.com is delighted to have joined forces with Reader’s Digest to publish the shortlist from this year’s 100-word-story competition in a special anthology.

We’ll also be giving winning stories’ authors the chance to write longer versions of their entries to be showcased in the book, due to go on sale in 2018.

Lulu believes that everyone has a story to tell. Since time began, we have passed down our stories, teachings and traditions from generation to generation through the medium of storytelling.

Over the past 15 years Lulu has helped over 2 million authors from all walks of life in 226 countries tell their stories. Reader’s Digest also has a long history of supporting writers and we are delighted to be working together on this year’s competition.

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christmas Gift Guide

From travel and technology to food and fashion, our writers have your Christmas shopping list covered

t R av E l

By C at H y a D a MS

ava BRIgHtSouNDS 2, £39.99 This three-in-one gadget—a portable Bluetooth speaker, a USB charger and a light—is the ideal companion for camping, travelling or long evenings out in the garden. With a battery life of 36 hours, it’s just enough for a weekend away (lavaaccessories.co.uk, amazon.co.uk).

MEtallIC lEatHER tRavEl WallEt, £35

Form and function combine in these metallic travel wallets, which are ideal for holding passports, boarding passes and other travel documents neatly in one place. Plus they can be personalised with initials for an extra £6 (notonthehighstreet.com).

WIgWaM HolIDay, gIft vouCHERS fRoM £25 “Glamping”—posh camping—is a fun alternative to spending a night in a hotel. Try a weekend in a cosy timber Wigwam cabin, available in 70 locations across the UK, to enjoy the great outdoors (wigwamholidays.com).

loNDoN IN a Bag Play SEt, £19 The capital’s most famous landmarks are packed into this miniature wooden cityscape. Wooden toys include Big Ben, the London Eye and black hackney carriages, so children can make their own London skyline (museumoflondonshop.co.uk).

foo D & DRIN k

By Ra CHE l Walk ER

aftERNooN tEa: BRoWN’S, fRoM £14.50 tHE WolSElEy, fRoM £29.75 Brown’s champagne afternoon tea is a perfect postChristmas pick-me-up, and those who hit the capital for New Year sales will enjoy luxurious tea at The Wolseley (browns-restaurants.co.uk, thewolseley.com).

SIgNatuRE CaSt IRoN RouND

CaSSERolE, £159 Forget fads, and give something that will last. Le Creuset comes with a lifetime guarantee, and the latest colour— marine blue—introduces a subtle yet splendid splash of colour to the kitchen (lecreuset.co.uk).

MINI BakERS SuBSCRIPtIoN CluB, fRoM £9.99/MoNtH The gift that keeps on giving, with a different parcel arriving each month containing ingredients to make easy bakes—gingerbread biscuits or lemon cupcakes. It’s aimed at three- to eight-year-olds and is a fun way to spend an afternoon (bkd-london.com).

vINEgaR Pot £120 Know someone who’s mastered sourdough, makes their own yogurt or has shelves heaving with jams? Help them keep a step ahead of the latest artisanal trends with a handmade vinegar pot. They’ll be making fruit verjuice and spiced vinegars in no time (vinegarshed.com).

H o ME & ga RDEN

By C a SSIE PR y CE

EWEl toNE glaSS vaSES, fRoM £21.50

These simple yet stylish vases will make the perfect accessory for any home. Available in either amethyst or blue agate with a metallic gold leaf rim, they can be filled with fresh or faux blooms to brighten up a dining table (miafleur.com).

lotta DECaNtER SEt, £110 Give him something to serve up his favourite Christmas tipple in with this elegant glass decanter and set of four tumblers from LSA International. Presented on a contemporary ash wood base, this piece will look the part on any home bar during the festive season (lsa-international.com).

PERSoNalISED vINtagE lEttER fRaME, £54.99

Made from original 1930s playing cards, this custom piece of artwork will add a personal touch to any home, while the classic monochrome design will fit well into any scheme. Spell out a name, initials or even a special place (gettingpersonal.co.uk).

StoRagE SuItCaSES, £24.95 Keep the playroom clutter-free with the Rusty and Friends set of three cases. They’re ideal for storing small toys or stationery supplies and their playful and colourful design will be adored by any animalloving little one (dotcomgiftshop.com).

t ECHN ology

By olly M a NN

aNkI CoZMo, £199 This cute palm-sized robot learns from you as you play. Keep him in your drawer and he’ll never progress—“teach” him tricks every day and he’ll become smarter and more personalised as the weeks go by, identifying you via his facial recognition camera, and interacting with your pets (anki.com).

ataRI flaSHBaCk 8 golD, £79.99 Released in 1977, the Atari 2600 overcame its primitive graphics to become acknowledged as an all-time classic console. This repro looks just like the real thing, but connects via the HD socket on your telly and comes with 130 iconic titles such as River Raid (atgames.net).

MISfIt SHINE 2 SWIMMER’S EDItIoN, £99.99

The rarest of things—a fitness tracker that’s actually attractive—this waterproof watch was developed in conjunction with Speedo to measure your laps in the water, but also includes step counting, sleep tracking and text notifications (misfit.com/uk_en).

SoNy XPERIa touCH, £1,299.99 This Christmas, give the person who has everything... the opportunity to turn their house into a giant touchscreen. Using infrared technology, this projector senses your gestures as you point wherever you choose to project its image (sonymobile.com).

fa SHI o N & BE auty

By gE o R g IN a yat ES

HaNNaH BatStoNE JEWEllERy, fRoM £45

A piece of handmade jewellery from Cornwallbased silversmith Hannah Batstone serves as the perfect gift for that special person. Batstone’s silver and gold pieces are inspired by the shapes and colours of the Cornish landscape (hannahbatstone.com).

BaRBER PRo faCE MaSkS, fRoM £4.95

The Barber Pro range of sheet masks is the perfect present for men who neglect to spend any time on their skincare routine. Christmas is the time for indulgence, so treat lucky fellas to any one of the company’s hydrating masks (barberpro.com).

CHIlDS faRM BaBy ESSENtIalS, £9.99 Free of parabens and mineral oils, the Childs Farm range of cosmetics was first designed by the founder to use on her own children’s sensitive skin, and is now transforming skincare for little ones across the UK (shop.childsfarm.com).

HaPPy SoCkS gIft SEt, fRoM £15.95

This Scandinavian brand produces highquality unisex socks in a variety of bright colours and intricate designs. Fun and practical, the gift boxes are bound to bring a smile to anyone’s face (happysocks.com).

B ook S

By Ja MES Walto N

ABOVE HEAD HEIGHT, £16.99 Every week, James Brown plays five-a-side football with blokes whose home lives—sometimes even surnames—he knows nothing about, yet who have become an important part of his life. Here, he celebrates this peculiar male friendship with a winning mix of humour and affection (bookdepository.com).

THE POWER, £7.99 Fans of A Handmaid’s Tale should enjoy Naomi Alderman’s award-winning novel, set in a world where women have become physically more powerful than men. The result is both thought-provoking about the differences (or lack of them) between the sexes— and a cracking, page-turning thriller (amazon.co.uk).

TOM GATES: EPIC ADVENTURE (KIND OF), £12.99

For the gratifying sight of modern eight- to 12-year-old noses stuck in a book, I’d firmly recommend Liz Pichon’s Tom Gates series: funny and very recognisable portraits of 21st-century childhood that perfectly combine words and drawings. Her latest is as good as ever (amazon.co.uk).

MORE LETTERS OF NOTE, £17.99 Even the most jaded present-receiver will find plenty to be astonished by in this fantastically rich collection of correspondence that ranges from Michelangelo to Winston Churchill, by way of a hungover Jane Austen and Noël Coward giving Marlene Dietrich advice on her love life (waterstones.com).

Create Your Own Autobiography

At LifeBook, our aim is to capture your life, your experiences and your voice, combining everything to reflect the way you want to tell your story. The LifeBook experience is individually tailored every time

We have three special packages you can choose from to ensure a personalised LifeBook experience:

LifeBook Autobiography

Working with you to produce your own autobiography or memoir is our speciality.

This package includes:

• 12 face-to-face meetings with an interviewer who is specially selected for your project

• A personal project manager and editor

• A professional ghostwriter who will capture your story told in your voice

• A USB highlights audiobook

With 18 hours of face-to-face interviews focused on your life, our LifeBook ghostwriter has plenty of material to work with. We send you regular drafts as the book is developed to ensure your voice is captured. The completed LifeBook is printed, and hand-bound into ten beautiful books with a linen finish and personalised cover.

LifeBook Celebration

This package is a beautiful gift, which provides the perfect opportunity to

celebrate a significant milestone in a person’s life:

• Up to ten contributors of your choosing can be interviewed

• Interviews can be conducted through a variety of video apps and online, so no matter where the interviewee may be, we can reach them

• We will collate all these memories and stories to produce five beautifully handcrafted books

LifeBook Bespoke

Our bespoke team undertakes all projects that may not fit within our Celebration and LifeBook Autobiography packages. No project is too big; we have produced corporate histories, magnum opuses, tributes, family histories and many more customised projects for clients with detailed or specific requests. n

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Speak to our dedicated LifeBook team who will be delighted to discuss how we can help. Call us on 0800 999 2280 or email digest@lifebookuk.com

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Bram Stoker may have drawn heavily from ancient legends, but the actual route taken by Jonathan Harker can still be followed today

Travelling in Dracula Country

BY LUKE SPENCER

Bran Castle has become known as “Dracula’s castle”

NIGHT-TIME IN TRANSYLVANIA is as spooky as you could hope it would be. During the winter, a lowlying mist covers thick forests of pine trees and firs.

Above the fog, you can see the silhouetted turrets and spires of medieval castles and fortified churches. The towns are filled with gothic and baroque buildings marked by peeling paint and crumbling facades.

It’s easy to see why Bram Stoker chose this part of Romania as the setting for Dracula. The first section of Stoker’s gothic masterpiece takes the form of the travel journal of young English solicitor, Jonathan Harker, who’s travelling across Europe to conduct a land purchase on behalf of a noble client. Harker travels from Munich to Transylvania, where he’s to meet the mysterious Count Dracula.

My plan was to follow in the footsteps of the fictional Harker, taking the same train routes—where possible staying in the same cities, towns and hotels—and ending my journey at the home of Vlad the Impaler, the real-life inspiration for Dracula. Partly encircled by the Carpathian mountains, Transylvania is still largely unexplored, despite its wealth of fascinating, centuries-old sites.

WHEN DRACULA WAS PUBLISHED in 1897, Harker’s journey by steam train from Munich to Vienna would have taken over ten hours. Today it takes just under four. With more time at my disposal than Stoker’s young

protagonist, I stopped in Vienna to visit a macabre landmark.

Deep underneath St Stephen’s Cathedral are catacombs filled with the 700-year-old bones of over 11,000 bubonic plague victims. Walking through the cold depths surrounded by skeletons is eerie enough. That is until you reach the crypt. For here, in rows of sealed urns, rest the hearts of 72 members of the Hapsburg royal family. It seemed a suitably gothic beginning to my journey.

From Vienna I took the evening train to Budapest, the snow falling as we headed east. During the fourhour journey I thought of Harker’s diary entry: “The impression I had was that we were leaving the West and entering the East.”

Stoker never actually set foot in Romania. The Transylvania that provides such a fantastically ominous backdrop in Dracula was almost entirely imagined. The Dublinborn Stoker studied the region and its folklore at the British Museum in London. There he researched Transylvanian superstitions surrounding the Strigoi, the troubled

souls of the dead. To these he married a real historical figure: Vlad the Impaler.

Vlad was the ruler of Wallachia (now part of Romania) at various times between 1448 and 1476. He was born in Transylvania to the House of Draculesti, and defended his country against invading Turks. He earned his nickname by mercilessly impaling his enemies, and raising them aloft for all to see.

A haunted-looking churchyard at an early 14thcentury basilica in Sighisoara

In reality, Vlad wasn’t much worse than many other feudal rulers in Europe. In Romania, he was even celebrated for defending the area’s Christian way of life against the invading Turks. According to historian Benjamin Hugo Leblanc, his reign brought prosperity: “crime and corruption ceased, commerce and culture thrived, and many modern Romanians view Vlad as a hero for his insistence on honesty and order.”

MY FIRST STOP was meant to be the Hotel Royale, where Harker stayed the night in the old city of Klausenburg. Today it’s known as Cluj-Napoca, a bustling university town located roughly halfway between Budapest and Bucharest.

The Hotel Royale doesn’t exist today, and perhaps it never did. But

nestled near the train station is the Hotel Transilvania, which in the 1800s went by another name, the Queen of England—perhaps a regal-sounding inspiration for a Hotel Royale.

Harker’s diary reads: “I stopped for the night at the Hotel Royale. I had for dinner a chicken done up with red pepper, which was very good.... The waiter said it was called ‘paprika hendl’, and that I should be able to get it anywhere along the Carpathians.”

These days, the Hotel Transilvania isn’t shy about drawing on its possible legacy. The owners have a number of plans in development to emphasise the connection to Stoker and his masterwork: a suite and a restaurant that serves dishes from the era.

Perhaps soon it will be as easy to find that paprika-spiced chicken as Harker’s waiter promised.

FROM CLUJ-NAPOCA, Harker headed further east in the direction of Bistritz, today known as Bistrit¸a. As

I headed deeper into the Carpathian mountains, there was a sense of entering a still wild and sealed-off part of Europe. The trains are as unpunctual as Harker described, and some are relics from the Cold War. Before I set off, a Romanian friend gave me some advice: beware of stray dogs and people in general.

seemed from the wide stony margin on each side of them to be subject to great floods...Count Dracula had directed me to go to the Golden Krone Hotel.”

FOR BRAM STOKER, VLAD THE IMPALER PROVIDED A SUITABLE CHARACTER ON WHICH TO HANG HIS RESEARCH ON VAMPIRE LEGENDS

Bistrit¸a is a small town in northern Transylvania, built around a river and surrounded by mountain villages. There is indeed a hotel called the Coroana de Aur (Romanian for Golden Crown), but this one was built in 1974, during the dark days of Romanian Communism. Inside, you can dine at a restaurant called the Salon Jonathan Harker, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

It’s upon arriving in Bistrit¸a that Harker has his first contact with his mysterious client, in the form of a note left at the hotel.

Don’t trust anyone, authorities or the train employees. I noticed that many people would lock themselves in their cabin with bicycle locks. My carriage was empty apart from a woman in a black cloak who decorated our compartment with religious icons and spent the hours with her rosary beads. The train journey passed without incident, however, and the snowcovered scenery looked near identical to Stoker’s fantasy: “All day long we seemed to dawdle through a country that was full of beauty of every kind. Sometimes we saw little towns or castles on the top of steep hills, such as we see in old missals; sometimes we ran by rivers and streams which

“My friend, welcome to the Carpathians. I am anxiously expecting you. Sleep well tonight. Your friend, Dracula”

HARKER WAS TO TRAVEL on the final stage of his journey by coach, through the Borgo Pass in the mountains. He notices that villagers start crossing themselves whenever he mentions his mission.

Though the novel’s locals are terrified at any mention of Dracula, one real hotel delights in it. Situated in the Tihut¸a Pass in the Bârga˘ului Mountains, the Hotel Castel Dracula claims to be located in the approximate spot of the castle. But while Stoker’s Castle Dracula was

“a vast ruined castle, from whose tall black windows came no ray of light”, the Hotel Castel Dracula was designed in hulking concrete style three decades ago, for tourists.

The hotel is vampire-themed, with a “graveyard”, a bar in the tower, and Dracula’s “tomb” in the basement. While the overall effect is more theme park than Victorian, the hotel does highlight an interesting aspect of Romanian history.

There were no traces of Dracula in the village so I headed south to find Bran Castle, near Bras¸ov.

BRAN CASTLE has become known as “Dracula’s castle” mostly because of its looks. It’s an imposing fortress built on a mountainside dividing Transylvania from Wallachia. The castle shadows the small village

below, where market vendors sell wooden crosses and plastic fangs, and closeted with thick forests and swirling mists, it retains a definite aura of mystery and spookiness.

As the young English solicitor  made his way into the mountains, each villager he passed would hold up a charm or guard against the evil eye upon learning of his destination. Boarding a rickety decades-old bus in Bras¸ov for Bran castle, I was pleased to see that the front window was covered with eye-shaped religious icons, hanging from red ribbons.

Inside, Bran Castle contains narrow winding stairways, secret passages and a torture chamber. The country’s Communist authorities turned it into a museum in 1956. From his extensive research, it’s likely that Bram Stoker would have read of Bran Castle, but

The fortified medieval town of Sighisoara is a Unesco World Heritage site

¸

Vlad the Impaler barely—if ever—set foot in it.

Founded by Teutonic knights in the 13th century, nearby Bras¸ov is a beautiful city. Many of its streets are lined with faded Baroque-era buildings. Once painted in vibrant pastels of pink, yellow and teal, today they’re gently crumbling, after more

TRAVEL TIPS

LODGING Hotel Transilvania in ClujNapoca has doubles from 230 leu (£45), hoteltransilvaniacluj.ro; Coroana de Aur in Bistrit ¸ a has doubles from 210 leu (£41), hotelcoroanadeaur. ro; Hotel Castel Dracula, Piatra Fântânele, doubles from 220 leu (£43), hotelcasteldracula.ro

DINING Brasov: The Old Wine Cellar (Crama Veche) in Bistrit¸ a serves local dishes such as chicken paprikash and Transylvanian stuffed cabbage; Casa Romaneasca in Bras ¸ ov also serves traditional dishes, mains 25–45 leu (£5–9); Hunter Prince Castle near Cluj-Napoca serves vampire-themed specialities such as “Dracula’s favourite cutlet” in a castle hall, mains 25–85 leu (£5–17).

SIGHTSEEING St Stephen’s Cathedral, Vienna, catacombs tours, £5; Bran Castle, entrance £7, Bras¸ ov-Bran buses run every half-hour. Sighisoara’s historic centre is a Unesco World Heritage site. More information: romaniatourism.com

than 40 years of neglect during the Communist era.

I HEADED FURTHER NORTH to Sighis¸oara, the home of Vlad the Impaler and a fine example of a fortified medieval town. Climbing the steep cobbled streets and entering the city gates is like stepping back in time.

After climbing the 176 steps of a covered staircase, I came to an early 14th-century basilica, known as the Church on the Hill. It has one of the most haunted-looking churchyards I’ve ever seen. Shrouded in mist, with the ever-present howling of dogs in the surrounding forest, the tumbled down mausoleums could certainly be home to the undead.

Wandering around the citadel square, where witch trials and public executions were once carried out, I came across an ochre-coloured former home—now an inn—with a wrought-iron dragon hanging above the entrance. A plaque noted that Vlad Dracul had lived there between 1431 and 1435. His son, Vlad the Impaler, was born there.

ALTHOUGH BRAM STOKER NEVER saw Transylvania for himself, I was surprised by how evocatively he captured the beguiling landscape. In a country where medieval fortresses are seemingly always emerging from the fog, Jonathan Harker’s journal proved to be as accurate a guide book as a Victorian Lonely Planet. ¸

96

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2019 Grand World Cruise

120 night Grand Circumnavigation of the Globe

Columbus departs London Tilbury 5th January 2019

Buy One Get One Free PLUS Added Value Benefits

Escape the winter on this 120 night grand voyage on which you can truly relax, enjoy leisurely days at sea and carefree evenings as you circumnavigate the globe. Discover paradise islands, breathtaking scenery and natural wonders contrasting with vibrant cities and fascinating lifestyles as Columbus takes you to a cornucopia of exciting destinations. From the Caribbean, Columbus will transit the Panama Canal sailing via islands of the South Seas to New Zealand and Australia, before unveiling highlights of Japan, China, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia and India. Discover the ancient sites of Egypt and Jordan and transit the Suez Canal to the Holy Land from where Columbus sails the Mediterranean homeward bound.

World Cruise Itinerary

London Tilbury – Amsterdam (Netherlands) – Ponta Delgada (Azores) – Bridgetown (Barbados) – Oranjestad (Aruba) - Cristobal for Panama City (Panama) – Transit Panama Canal – Balboa (Panama) * – Acapulco (Mexico) – Nuku Hiva (Marquesas Islands) – Papeete (Overnight, Tahiti) – Bora Bora (French Polynesia) – Crossing International Date Line – Nuku Alofa (Kingdom of Tonga) – Auckland (New Zealand) – Tauranga for Rotorua (New Zealand) – Akaroa for Christchurch (Australia) – Picton (New Zealand) – Sydney (Australia) – Hamilton Island, Whitsunday Isles (Australia) – Yorkey’s Knob for Cairns (Australia) – Rabaul (Papua New Guinea) – Yokohama for Tokyo (Japan) – Kagoshima (Japan) – Tianjin for Beijing (China) – Shanghai (China) – Hong Kong – Cruising Hainan Strait – Halong Bay for Hanoi (Vietnam) – Phu My for Hoy Chi Minh City (Vietnam) – Ko Samui (Thailand) –Laem Chabang for Bangkok (Thailand) – Singapore – Port Klang for Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia) – Penang (Malaysia) – Langkawi (Malaysia) – Cochin for Taj Mahal and Dehli (India)# – Mumbai (India) – Salalah (Oman) – Safaga for Luxor (Egypt) – Aqaba for Petra (Jordan) - Transit Suez Canal – Ashdod for Jerusalem (Israel) – Valletta (Malta) –Gibraltar – Lisbon (Portugal) – London Tilbury.

De Luxe Balcony and Junior Balcony Suites

Onboard Credit of £1,000pp

Crew Gratuities worth £480pp included

Beverage package with lunch and dinner included Upgrade to All Inclusive drinks for £5pp per night

Superior & Standard Plus Ocean View Twins

Onboard Credit of £500pp

Crew Gratuities worth £480pp included

Special All Inclusive drinks for £10pp per night

Port parking £229 - that’s less than £1.90 a day! Buy

Premium and Superior Plus Ocean View Twins

Onboard Credit of £500pp

Crew Gratuities worth £480pp included

Beverage package with lunch and dinner included Upgrade to All Inclusive drinks for £7pp per night

Standard Ocean View Twins

Crew Gratuities worth £480pp included

Offers subject to availability and may be withdrawn without notice. Terms and conditions apply visit www.cruiseandmaritime.com. Prices are per person based on two adults sharing a twin cabin. Gratuities at £4pp per night apply to all inner and voyager grade cabins. Excludes visa costs. * Techincal Call. Land by launch or tender #Onboard credit applies to Standard Plus ocean view cabins and above and is non refundable/non creditable. +Beverage package applies to Superior Plus ocean view cabins and above. ^Voyager cabin guarantee (cabin allocated at ticketing stage), benefits do not apply. All Inclusive drinks package is only available to purchase for the entire duration of the cruise and if all occupants of the cabin purchase it. #Excursions to Delhi/Agra will change scheduled itinerary. Please note that the duration stated for this cruise (that crosses the International Date Line) is based on the calendar year. This cruise is however priced accordingly to take account of any lost or gained days when crossing the Date Line. Highlights may be subject to pre-registering specific shore excursions and are subject to operation and weather conditions. Calls cost 5p per minute

BY CATHY ADAMS

Cathy has danced in Rio, been microlighting in South Africa and hiked the mountains of Oman

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Tell us about your favourite holiday (send a photo too) and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50. Go to readersdigest. co.uk/ contact-us

The main square of Rynek Główny has a modern spirit despite its Baroque heritage

My Great Escape: Kraków Culture

Alexandra O’Riordan from Maidenhead falls in love with Kraków

KRAKÓW IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITIES I’ve ever visited. Unlike many other places in Poland, it was largely untouched by Second World War bombing and so retains much of its original charm.

The main square, Rynek Główny, bursts with modern energy, although it still evokes a strong sense of the past— surrounded by imposing Renaissance and Baroque buildings. Top-class street theatre abounds here, whether it’s a three-piece band playing outside the Cloth Hall, or a contortionist dancing with eye-watering flexibility in a crowded alleyway. You can sit and watch the world go by from one of the many cafés that spill out onto the pavement, or jingle your way around the cobbled streets in an elegant horse-drawn carriage.

Catholicism has deep roots here, with plenty of centuries-old churches throughout the city. If I were to pick a favourite, I’d choose the Franciscan Church, a few minutes’ walk from the square, for its magnificent art nouveau stained-glass windows. Then there’s the Wawel, the citadel on which stands the Royal Castle and the Cathedral that was once the site of royal coronations and burials. It’s a hike uphill, but well worth the climb.

Also not to be missed is Kazimierz, the once-bustling Jewish quarter. Again, the atmosphere of history is powerful here, especially in the Museum of Judaism, the Old Synagogue at the end of Szeroka Street, and the Remuh Cemetery. Afterwards, linger in one of the tempting eateries—perhaps enjoying a slice of melt-in-the-mouth apple cake and listening to traditional music—while pondering all that you’ve seen.

Kraków leaves a lasting impression. I can’t wait to go back.

■ KEEN ON KRAKÓW?

One-way flights to Kraków from London Gatwick start from £37.99pp with easyJet (easyjet.com).

Postcard From....

MARGARET RIVER, Western

Australia’s scenic premium wine region now boasts a growing foodie scene too. This month is the fifth Margaret River Gourmet Escape, a four-day restaurant festival. Expect tastings from exceptional local food producers set in beaches, forests and even out on the ocean.

Return flights to Perth start from £650pp with Qatar Airways (qatarairways.com).

Things To Do This Month

PHILADELPHIA IN TWO MINUTES

■ STAY: ALOFT The 1925 Liberty Title & Trust building has been turned into Philadelphia’s funky second Aloft property. It’s centrally located with easy access to Philly’s best landmarks. Rooms from £138 a night (aloftphiladelphiadowntown.com).

■ SEE: THE NEW MUSEUM OF AMERICAN REVOLUTION

This landmark museum, set in a historic building right in the heart of Philly, explains the founding of the US through an interesting collection of artefacts and works of art (amrevmuseum.org).

■ DO: TOTAL PHILLY TOUR This tour shows off the hidden side of the city: eat at Jewish delis; spot public art in the Bella Vista neighbourhood and finish with some craft beer from local microbreweries (urbanadventures. com/Philadelphia-tour-total-philly-tour).

TRAVEL APP OF THE MONTH

Google Wallet, Free, Android, iOS. All you need is a Google account and debit card, and you can transfer money easily between friends and family while on holiday.

SHORT/LONG HAUL: PHOTOGRAPHY HOLIDAYS

SHORT: Tenerife Subtropical Tenerife’s lava fields and Spanish colonial architecture make it an impressive place to learn photography. Try Kudu Travel’s new tour led by London photographer Steve Franck (kudutravel.com).

LONG: The Gambia The year-round sunshine of The Gambia and the array of colourful native birds make it an ideal place to learn wildlife photography. Snap giant kingfishers and bee-eaters on a tour hosted by The Travelling Naturalist (thetravellingnaturalist.com).

FOR MORE, GO TO READERSDIGEST.CO.UK/ TRAVEL-ADVENTURE

© H. MARK WEIDMAN PHOTOGRAPHY/ALAMY STOCK

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We want freedom of choice

We want to travel to di erent parts of the world

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Mr & Mrs Miller

Among

Polar Bears Marooned

Part Two

In Part One, pilot Sergey Ananov attempted a solo round-the-world helicopter flight. Disaster struck and he was stranded on an ice floe in the Arctic Circle, unaware of both his friends’ rescue mission and the predator that lurked nearby...

BY JUSTIN NOBEL

SOMEWHERE IN THE DAVIS

STRAIT, one of earth’s great hunters has stood upright and is waving its head back and forth. It can smell a seal under several feet of snow and a rotting whale carcass from 20 miles away. But this scent? It draws a blank, having never encountered a middle-aged Russian. Moving in its pigeon-toed walk, the polar bear heads off to inspect.

The summer before, in nearby Arctic Bay, 31-year-old Adrian Arnauyumayuq and his 26-year-old brother-in-law ventured out on their annual hunting trip. The first night, they set up camp on an ice floe. In the morning, they were woken up by a 450-kilogram polar bear ripping apart their tent. Both men lived but were severely injured. In the Arctic, these kinds of stories usually end not in survival, but disaster.

ABOUT

FOUR HOURS AFTER

falling out of the sky, Sergey is still on his stomach inside his makeshift tent when he hears the sound of heavy breathing and crunching snow. He peeks out from under the raft and sees the bear, its fur wet after swimming from floe to floe.

Sergey hides beneath his raft and hopes the monster leaves. It doesn’t. The creature bobs its snout up and down, sniffing the air, and lopes straight for him. The bear is about five feet away, so close that Sergey can see the black of its footpads and

toenails. Biologists will tell you that at this point the bear has one of two motives: hunger or curiosity. Both are bad for the pilot since polar bears often satisfy their curiosity with their teeth. Sergey has no rifle and no knife.

If I meet the bear face-to-face I will die, Sergey thinks. From somewhere deep in his core, a primeval and spontaneous urge is unleashed. He bolts up, flings off the raft, and

THE BEAR NIMBLY LAUNCHES ACROSS TO A NEIGHBOURING SLAB, THEN LOOKS BACK AT SERGEY, WHO CONTINUES TO SCREAM

rushes the beast—his arms flailing, roaring as loud as he can. And it works! The bear actually gallops away. But Sergey doesn’t stop. He chases the bear to the very edge of the floe, with the raft still attached to his leg and bouncing behind him.

The bear nimbly launches across to a neighbouring slab, then looks back at Sergey, who continues to scream furiously. The bear sits down and looks right at the pilot, examining him mutely. Sergey still roars. But now it’s not only directed at the bear, but at his utter helplessness.

For a full minute, the strange

encounter continues. Man roaring, beast watching. Then the bemused bear gets up and trots off into the Arctic fog.

The euphoria and adrenaline from the encounter with the bear don’t last. The hours lumber on; minutes feel like years. Then the sound of a plane.

Sergey can’t see it because of the fog, but with his clumsy mitts he seizes one of the three flares, aims it at the noise and pulls the cord. A dazzling orangered flame leaps into the air. Sergey hears the plane arc directly overhead and continue on. The flare burns for 30 seconds, then fizzles.

Evening approaches. The cold is deep, raw, gnawing. Sergey rations his protein tablets, about 2,000 calories’ worth, into three-day portions. After that, he figures, he’ll be dead.

Humans can go without food for more than three weeks—so long as they have water. Sergey has only the half-litre that came with the raft. He’s been urinating frequently in the survival suit—a liberating release that provides brief moments of warmth. But if his body fluids aren’t replenished, the resulting dehydration

will cause decreased metabolic function and his heart would cease working, leading to his death.

Sergey doesn’t sleep. He thinks about his wife, Evgeniya, and his children, 22-year-old daughter Daria and 20-year-old son Andrey. At least they’re grown, Sergey thinks.

About 200 miles away, the Pierre Radisson—the boat sent on a rescue mission by Sergey’s friends, who were following his progress online—finally reaches a section of open water. Captain Julien ploughs forward at the ship’s top speed: 16.5 knots per hour.

IN THE MORNING, another plane. It’s still too foggy to see the aircraft but Sergey, hopeful, lights his second

COURTESY FISHERIES & OCEANS CANADA

The 322-foot icebreaker Pierre Radisson under Captain Stéphane Julien made its way toward Sergey’s last known position at 16.5 knots an hour

flare. No luck. However, he uses the still-hot flare casing to burn holes in his survival suit at the tip of each foot. Now the urine that’s been

water bed. He lies down and dozes, memories spinning backward, until he hears the familiar crunch of snow. The bear walks toward him a third time, sniffing the air with its massive snout, smelling the human body beneath the neoprene fabric. Sergey scares it off in the same manner, then staggers back to the raft. He crawls beneath it.

pooling can drain directly onto the ice. The small things that enable a man to survive.

Then the bear returns. Again Sergey flails, roars, chases the beast. It works again, but without food and sapped by the constant shivering— the only thing keeping his body warm enough to function—he’s even more worn out than the first time.

Morning passes into afternoon. There’s a depression in the ice near the floe’s edge filled with dazzling aquamarine water. Sergey sets his life raft down, creating a sort of

He doesn’t have the energy to fight the bear off if it returns a fourth time. He’s never thought of suicide before. But being marooned in the icy brutality of the Arctic has rendered Sergey’s mind a gelid mass of fear and uncertainty. He doesn’t want to be devoured and digested by a polar bear. He would rather die on his own terms. As he shivers violently on the ice, he contemplates how he might execute the task.

TWENTY-FIVE HOURS after leaving the freighter, fighting a one-knot current and narrowly avoiding 20-storey icebergs and submerged ice hunks called growlers, the Pierre Radisson chugs into the icefloeflecked region of Davis Strait where

The crew of the Pierre Radisson pose with Sergey (front centre) and Captain Julien (on the right)

HEARING A PLANE, A HOPEFUL SERGEY RELEASES A FLARE, THE DAZZLING ORANGERED FLAME GOING HIGH INTO THE AIR

Sergey Ananov went down. His friend Halifax has drawn up a plan based on Sergey’s last beacon point, the wind and the weather. But the wind is light and Captain Julien decides to begin the search eight miles from the beacon, as Halifax proposes, focusing on a two-mile radius nearest the helicopter’s last-known position. Although two military aircraft and one government plane had been dispatched, their search was hampered by low visibility due to fog.

All available hands are on deck of the Pierre Radisson. The mood is tense. In a few hours it will be dark, making a rescue impossible, leaving Sergey to spend another night on the ice. It could drop below freezing, and that’s without the wind chill. By tomorrow his body will have diverted most of its blood from its periphery to the core to protect the internal organs, leading to increased risk of freezing peripheral tissues such as fingers and toes.

Then, miraculously, the fog lifts. Captain Julien calls Halifax to convey

the suddenly favourable conditions, but their planes are more than 200 miles away in Iqaluit and won’t be heading out again until morning. There’s one hour of light left. Acting on a hunch, Julien orders the ship’s GC-366 helicopter into the air with two observers. Back on the bridge, a third navigation officer spots a red light on the ice surface.

Julien takes a compass bearing and steers toward the point. The rescue helicopter is notified. They spot the final splinter of light from Sergey’s last flare. They spot Sergey.

There are no bears on the floe but he’s once more running and waving and screaming.

THAT NIGHT ABOARD the Pierre

Radisson, 36 hours after the R22 hit the ocean, the pilot is fed salad with olive oil and freshly smoked salmon. Everyone wants to shake his hand and take a photo. He obliges, even though this isn’t how he wants his name to live on. This is an insufficient immortality.

As he smiles for the phone cameras, he’s already thinking about the new R22 helicopter he’ll buy, about how he’ll pack it differently— the emergency equipment, everything within reach.

And he’s thinking about this summer, when he’ll once again lift a helicopter into the sky and point it in the direction of the other side of the world.

The Thought That Really Counts

It’s easy to waste money at this time of year—but thinking outside the box could save you some dosh

BY ANDY WEBB

Andy Webb is a personal finance journalist and runs the awardwinning money blog Be Clever With Your Cash

PEOPLE OFTEN SAY a big part of the festive season is gift-giving, rather than receiving. Then there’s that old adage that it’s the thought that counts. Both noble sentiments.

But how often have you forced a grin and said, “It’s just what I wanted,” knowing that really it’s going to sit at the back of the cupboard—or, even worse, end up in the bin? And there’s a good chance some of the gifts you’ve given have met the same fate. But all of these presents have cost hard-earned cash.

So how do you avoid wasting your money? Here’s a handful of simple ideas that’ll ensure the thought really does count this Christmas.

Get them what they actually want

Ask what someone wants and you won’t be wasting your time and money trying to find the perfect gift. Likewise, tell people what’s on your Christmas list.

This isn’t a perfect solution. There’s a danger here that a present request will cost more than you can afford, so ideally also let them know your rough budget. You can of course shop around to get the best deal, which might leave you some additional money to spend on small extras.

Alternatively, you can just give people money. I’m sure many of you will steer clear of this option as it seems too impersonal. But think of it this way: if you give cash it will be

spent on something that’s either wanted or needed. It’s certainly the most money-savvy way to gift.

Admittedly, many grandparents (in particular) find this approach unappealing, as there’s a chance that money given will be simply frittered away. If that’s a fear, you can suggest the money is spent in a specific way—perhaps on a new winter coat, or a special slap-up meal.

For younger relatives, you can instead put cash into a savings account for them.

Pay attention to hints

You might think giving money takes away some of the magic of giftgiving. If you really want to make it a surprise, then do your research. Listen to what they say when you’re out shopping together and look around their house when you visit. You’ll hopefully pick up some ideas.

To be extra sure, include a gift receipt with your Christmas gift. If it’s is not right, the recipient can exchange it for something that is.

Give where it counts

I really like this idea. Rather than buy a gift, you give to charity. That could be a donation to a cause, or it could even be handing over a bundle of grocery items to a food bank.

This way, the money you spend will make a real difference—and there’s no risk that your gift will end up in the bin. You could take a photo of your donation, or produce a certificate so there’s something to actually hand over.

If you’re wondering how to handle this, I’d recommend telling people that’s your plan. Maybe even asking “Do you mind?” If they object, you always have the option of reverting to the previous ideas.

My Mum’s Money

When bigger might not mean better

I’M SURE YOUR INSTINCT IN THE SUPERMARKET is that larger sizes, products labelled “value pack” or anything on special offer will get you the most for your money. Sadly that’s often not the case.

My mum always compares prices to make sure. She recently told me about some large packs of coffee priced at £7.55. These weighed 300g. Next to them were smaller packs— half the size at 150g and costing £3. It doesn’t take much to realise two smaller packs are cheaper than one big pack, even though they weigh the same. In fact, the discount is almost 21 per cent.

But sometimes the comparison is harder to make, particularly when special offers are in play, such as buy two get one free. My mum likes to stock up on store-cupboard items when they’re at a good price, but often the multi-buy prices really only save her a few pennies. Fine if she’s buying it anyway, but not worth it if she’s only buying because it’s on special offer.

So how does she decide what’s best? Most shelf labels will tell you the price per unit, such as in weight or volume. This helps compare different sized products. However, these labels often don’t take into account discounts, so my mum always tries to work out the prices in her head. If a bit of mental arithmetic isn’t your thing, don’t forget most modern phones now have a calculator app.

Never just buy the item on special offer. Look at what’s around you to see if you can get better value. MY MUM’S

MONEY WEBSITE OF THE MONTH:

Bumblebee police auctions

bumblebeeauctions.co.uk

This month’s featured money-saving website helps you buy stolen goods. Don’t worry, it’s not anything dodgy! In fact, it’s run by UK police forces. If they recover items and can’t get them back to the original owner, they instead put them up for sale.

You can pick up anything from a satnav to golf clubs, from perfume to a pair of flip flops. Basically if someone nicked it, it could end up here.

You can bid from anywhere in the country, though the auctions are run by the different policy forces and not all of them offer a delivery service. You can, however, collect items you buy from the police property office that sold them.

Can You Or Your Family Afford Your Funeral?

n The average cost of a funeral is £3,784.

n Kensal Green in London is the most expensive at £6,516.

n Belfast is the cheapest at £3,036.

n Average spend on catering and the venue is £840.

n One in six struggle with funeral costs.

n The average debt taken on due to funeral costs is £1,680.

n One in ten have to sell possessions to clear funeral debts.

Easy-to-prepare meals and accompanying drinks

Macaroni & Cheese

BY RACHEL WALKER

Rachel Walker is a food writer for numerous national publications. Visit rachel-walker.co.uk for more details

IT’S GETTING NEAR TO THAT BUSY TIME OF YEAR when few of us have the energy to embark upon elaborate recipes. But just because a recipe is pared-back, it doesn’t mean it has to compromise on flavour or enjoyment. Mac and cheese is a classic for a reason, and I hope you’ll agree that this is an efficient way of going about making it. My one piece of advice? Don’t scrimp on the cheese—a nice, mature cheddar is worth the extra expense.

Serves 4

• 4–6 rashers back bacon

• 350g dried macaroni

• 50g butter

• 50g plain flour

• 600ml full-fat milk

• 200–250g mature cheddar

• ½ lemon, juiced

• 2tsp Dijon mustard

• 150g frozen peas

1. If your oven has a grill, then turn it on. If not, preheat the oven to 220C.

2. Lay out the bacon on a foil-lined tray, and grill or cook for 5–8 minutes, or until the fat starts to crisp and turn golden. Once cool, cut into bite-sized pieces.

3. Meanwhile, start cooking the macaroni in one saucepan, according to packet instructions.

4. Melt the butter in a second saucepan. Once it starts to bubble, add the flour and use a wooden spoon mix it into

a paste. Cook this on a low-medium heat for 1–2 minutes so it turns a straw colour and starts to smell delicious and buttery.

BY TIM & ZOË HILL

5. Begin adding the milk to the pan, stirring as you go. Start with a very small slosh, and steadily increase the amount you add as you go. It might take about 10 sloshes to get through all the milk, by which time it should be a shiny-smooth white sauce with a creamy consistency. Cook for a further 5 minutes on a low-medium heat until it thickens.

6. Remove the white sauce from the heat and stir in all—but a handful—

of the cheese. Add the mustard and lemon juice, to taste.

7. When the pasta is near-cooked, add the frozen peas to the pan—this will cause the water temperature to drop. Wait for it to come back up to a simmer. Drain into a colander and then tip into the pan of white sauce, along with the bacon bits.

8. Grease a 30cm x 21cm baking dish with butter. Stir together the pasta, sauce, peas and bacon, and tip into the dish. Top with the leftover handful of cheese, and return to the grill, to cook for 5 minutes until the pasta bake has a crisp lid and is bubbling.

Clever Shopping

It’s not just presents that need considering at this time of year. Wine supplies quickly become depleted in the lead-up to Christmas—and, like gifts, it’s a shame to impulse-buy out of necessity. Instead, implementing a bit of strategy means that you can build up a nice stock of bottles, and look forward to cracking them open around Christmas.

festivals and fairs means that there’s plenty of opportunity round this time of year.

The biggest mistake is to blind-buy wine in bulk. We’ve all been there— stood in a supermarket aisle, eyeing up a discounted bottle, only to get home and discover it’s plonk. It’s always best to try before you buy. Of course, this isn’t always possible, but the amount of pre-Christmas wine

Not only are Britain’s wave of wine fairs a good opportunity to try before you buy, and make a considered purchase, but they also provide access to a far broader range of bottles than your local supermarket. What’s more, there are often masterclasses and experts on hand to answer any questions, as well as hundreds of unlimited samples to try. Now that’s my kind of Christmas shopping, hic!

DATES FOR YOUR DIARY

■ November 4, Festival of Wine, £25 (waiting list only) The Balmoral Hotel, Edinburgh (festival-of-wine.com)

■ November 11, Love Wine 2017, from £15 Burlington Hotel, Birmingham (lovewinefest.co.uk)

■ November 16–19, Taste of London, from £12 Tobacco Dock, London (london.tastefestivals.com)

BOOK

Rhubarb And Ginger Crumble

Pudding of the Month

My grandfather always orders this classic pub pud if it’s on the menu, but it’s easy to make at home.

Serves 6

• 250g plain flour

• 150g butter, cubed

• 80g caster sugar

• 50g oats

• 3 Bramley apples

• 500g rhubarb, cut into

• 2-inch pieces

• 2 “globes” of stem ginger, finely chopped

• 2tbsp caster sugar

1. Preheat the oven to 180C.

2. Rub the flour and butter together in a large mixing bowl until it resembles breadcrumbs. Add the caster sugar and oats, and stir until combined.

3. Tip the rhubarb and stem ginger into a pie dish. Peel and core the apples, and cut them into bitesized pieces. Add them to the pie dish, spoon the sugar over and then toss to combine.

4. Tip the crumble topping over the fruit, and then cook for 30–35 minutes, until the crumble is golden and the fruit is soft. Serve with cream, ice cream, custard—or all three!

Hawksmoor: Restaurants & Recipes, £20.40, Preface Publishing. The second book from the cult steakhouse.

BARGAIN

Avebury Blue Mini

Casserole Dish, Amazon, from £3.20. Ideal for picture-perfect serves.

BLOW OUT

Stoneware Petite

Casserole, Le Creuset, £19. These come with a lifetime guarantee.

©

By Cassie Pry C e

Homes and gardens writer and stylist Cassie specialises in interior trends and new season shopping

Autumn Shades

Cosy up your spaCe this season with rich orange hues and metallic copper touches. Add warmth to your bedroom or living area with plenty of soft furnishings such as scatter cushions and snuggly throws.

1

Introduce chunky knits like this textured orange cushion, £29.50 (marks andspencer.com)

2

4

Brighten up any room with the stylish wood and copper Jackson desk lamp, £39 (very.co.uk)

3

Hang this copper wall clock for an on-trend timepiece, £45 (kaleidoscope. co.uk)

This metal side table features a hammered finish for an artisan look, £89 (jdwilliams. co.uk)

Winter Wildlife

Give nature a helping hand during the colder months and allow your garden visitors to thrive

It’s that time of year when hedgehogs go into hibernation, so encourage them to take up residence in your garden with the spruce hedgehog house (1; £45, gardentrading.co.uk).

Position it in a quiet spot in the garden, near plentiful cover from plants if possible.

Treat yourself or a garden lover to a monthly Boxwild wildlife subscription box (2; £25, boxwild.com). Each box contains seasonal seed blends to give birds and animals maximum nutrition in the winter months.

Provide a safe environment for birds with the Green & Blue birdball house (3; £44, black-bydesign.co.uk). It’s inspired by natural nests and the small entrance means it’s safe from predators.

From lacklustre launches to safeguarding software, here’s this month in tech...

Protect & Charge

BY OLLY MANN

Olly is a technology expert, radio presenter and podcaster

APPLE IPHONE X, FROM £999

Released on the iPhone’s tenth birthday (you pronounce it “iPhone ten”, apparently), the X boasts many desirable attributes: facial recognition, bezel-less screen, wireless charging, HDR display. But where’s the innovation? Such features have all been available for some time on Samsung’s premium devices, and those come with expandable memory and a headphone jack—two items sorely missing in the iPhone range. This handset is typically tactile, and delightfully straightforward, even though they’ve ditched the physical home button. But as they’ve set the price so high (the tip-top 256GB model costing an eye-watering £1,149), I expected more.

APPLE APP OF THE MONTH: PHOTO SCANNER

PRO: FILTER, FIX, £6.99 If you’ve got shoeboxes full of old prints, here’s a quick and easy way to digitise them: use this app to automatically detect the

edges and apply a filter, reviving faded colours. One tap then exports it to your Camera Roll or syncs it to iCloud. They’re then ready to post on social media—which, let’s be honest, is how we engage with snaps nowadays.

BELKIN POWERHOUSE, £89.99

Much as we may wish our smart devices didn’t require nightly charging, and that we were disciplined enough to keep their stimulating screens away from the bedroom, in reality most of us now charge our gadgets at our bedsides, ready for early morning email-checking and late-night Candy Crush. Tidy up your bedside table with this simple but effective dock, which can efficiently charge both an iPhone and Apple Watch simultaneously, using just one discrete power cable. It also elegantly elevates both devices, making them more functional as bedside alarm clocks and remote controls.

MCAFEE TOTAL PROTECTION, £79.99 PER YEAR

This gig involves installing hundreds of new technologies on my PC every year, so you’d think I’d be a bit more vigilant about viruses. But, only last week, I very nearly clicked a link on an official-looking email purporting to be from a tech company— pausing only when I noticed the suspiciously long-winded email address. Such simple errors are now all it takes to make your data vulnerable. McAfee’s latest software works quietly in the background of up to five different devices (Mac, Windows, iOS and Android), detecting hacks and offering parental controls, file encryption and ransomware removal.

ANDROID APP OF THE MONTH:

EBOOKADABRA, £5.99

PER MONTH Got a three- to sevenyear-old who always wants to be on a tablet computer, but you’d much rather they settled down with a book? Let me suggest a compromise: a Netflix-style app offering 1,000 picture books from top publishers including Disney, HarperCollins and Bloomsbury. It also includes fun features such as games, and the option to record personalised audiobook versions of the stories.

BY GEORGINA YATES

Georgina is a fashion and beauty editor for numerous travel titles and a blogger at withgeorgia.com

Root Fix

HAIR LOSS CAN BE TRIGGERED by a number of factors. Anabel Kingsley is a trichologist (trichology being the study of the hair and scalp) at the Philip Kingsley clinic in London. “If you’re experiencing hair loss, I recommend having blood tests as it’s often caused by nutritional deficiencies, excesses (such as too much Vitamin A and mercury) or a metabolic issue.”

A dry, flaking scalp can also prevent hair from growing at its optimum strength. Ultimately, our hair ages like our skin, and before booking an appointment at their clinic, Philip Kingsley offers clients plenty of products to stall the ageing process.

The Trichotherapy Regime set (£120, philipkingsley. co.uk) is a three-step treatment containing everything you need for healthy hair growth, including scalp drops for optimum root lift and a protein spray.

SUPER FACE FOOD

■ For the last month I’ve been applying a pea-sized amount of Algenist’s GENIUS Liquid Collagen (£95, spacenk.com) after cleansing. The results have been excellent; my skin is visibly smoother and brighter and breakouts are far less frequent.

EYE OF THE TIGER

■ Urban Decay’s latest addition to the Naked Palette line comes in the form of the piping hot Heat palette (£39.50, urbandecay.co.uk). It consists of 12 warm shades, ranging from deep brown to glimmering gingerbread, fiery copper and a matte red.

PRACTICAL STYLE

For Her

■ Bobble hats keep in warmth like nothing else (£17, uk. accessorize.com).

For Him

■ If you’re going to carry an umbrella, it might as well be a stylish one by Hammond & Co. (£30, debenhams.com).

■ This mac is ready to be swiftly whipped out of its bag when the heavens open up (£40, cathkidston.com).

■ These boots are practical and stylish (£110, muckboot company.co.uk).

■ This winter coat is stuffed with ethically sourced down and keeps the cold out handsomely (£249.95, schoffel.co.uk).

When you’re heading off to explore the great outdoors, stay warm and dry in these slip-on boots. They’ve been designed to handle all weather conditions (£165, muckbootcompany. co.uk).

An chilling tale of modern New York and funny observations on marriage and family are our top fiction picks this month

November Fiction

Heather, the Totality

by Matthew Weiner

(Canongate, £14.99)

James writes and presents the BBC Radio

4 literary quiz

The Write Stuff

Off-hand, I can’t remember a more self-assured debut novel than this. Then again, Matthew Weiner has good reason to be confident—given that he created the global TV hit Mad Men.

Heather, the Totality proceeds by means of individual paragraphs, separated by white space, each of which adds some careful new detail to a short and chilling tale of modern New York. At first, the focus is on the beautiful, sweet-natured Heather Breakstone, together with her wealthy uptown parents. We then cut to a boy called Bobby Klasky, growing up with a drug-addicted mother, and developing into a full-blown psychopath. For a while, the book alternates between the two—until Bobby becomes a builder in the Breakstones’ apartment block, where the 14-year-old Heather soon catches his eye…

What ensues is at times almost unbearably menacing— all the more so because Weiner tells the story in such a cold-eyed, deadpan way. (“Having Bobby did little to alter his Mother’s belief that heroin was the best thing in her life.”) The climax also pulls off the trick of being both completely

NAME THE AUTHoR (Answer on p128)

Can you guess the writer from these clues (the fewer you need the better)?

His novels include:

1. One that was made into James Dean’s second film.

2. One featuring the Joad Family.

3. One, with a title from Robbie Burns, featuring farmers Lennie and George.

unexpected and somehow inevitable—at which point the reader can finally breathe out.

Love & Fame by Susie Boyt (Virago, £14.99)

By coincidence, Susie Boyt’s new novel also starts by alternating between two characters whose lives are destined to overlap. One is Eve Swift, recently married and much given to anxiety—even before the death of her beloved actor father. The other is Rebecca Melville, a tabloid journalist who’s never got over the death of her own mother, and whose newspaper has now asked her to dig up some dirt on Eve’s famous old dad.

The plot that follows is easily enough to keep us turning the pages. Yet what makes Love & Fame so memorable are Boyt’s uncomfortably recognisable, if often funny, observations on marriage and family life, with particular reference to the not-always-noble inner thoughts of women. Impressively, too, she’s just as sharp on the love that holds families together as she is on the hurt that their members can inflict on each other. In one of the obituaries that Eve reads obsessively, her father is praised for his ability to convey “the good and the bad of things, deeply felt at the same time”—a verdict that certainly applies to Boyt herself in this terrific book.

PAPERbAcks

n Magpie Murders by Anthony Horowitz (orion, £7.99) The author of Foyle’s War, the Alex Rider series and more besides returns with a fiendishly clever whodunit-within-a-whodunit.

n Inside Story by Philip Webster (William collins, £9.99) Former political editor of The Times spills some fascinating beans on some of the biggest political stories of the past 40 years.

n The Lunar Cats by lynne Truss (Arrow, £8.99) There aren’t many comic horror stories more enjoyable than this—and even fewer where the main characters are cats.

n The Fix by David baldacci (Pan, £7.99) For anybody who likes classic, fast-paced American thrillers—and, let’s face it, who doesn’t?—Baldacci remains hard to beat.

n Princess Diarist by carrie Fisher (black swan, £8.99) The diary kept by the muchmissed actress and author while playing Princess Leia in the first Star Wars movie. Proves what a good writer she was, even at the age of 19.

RD’s REcoMMENDED READ

A collection of humorous and occasionally baffling misconceptions we had about our fellow creatures

The Secret Lives Of Animals

Why do a lot of birds disappear in the Winter?

These days, most of us know the answer—but for centuries this was one of the great scientific mysteries. In the 1600s, one Oxford-educated scientist did suggest that they migrated. Unfortunately, he was convinced their destination was the moon. The consensus from the experts, meanwhile, was that they hibernated at the bottom of lakes and rivers. Only in the spring of 1822 did the truth begin to emerge— when a German hunter shot a stork and was astonished to find an African spear sticking through its neck.

Autumnwatch presenter Lucy Cooke’s fascinating book is full of mind-boggling stuff like this about how slowly our knowledge of the

The Unexpected Truth about Animals; a Menagerie of the Misunderstood by Lucy Cooke is published by Doubleday at £16.99

natural world has developed. And one reason for the slowness, of course, is how strange the natural world can be. Take the famous ability of bats to navigate in the dark. In the 18th century, one scientist carried out a series of hair-raising experiments that included blinding them, sealing up their nostrils and blocking up their ears. Only the ear-blocking, he discovered, had any effect—but not until the 20th century did we understand why: because bats navigate by echolocation, emitting screams (inaudible to humans) louder than a heavy metal concert.

Cooke also takes much pleasure in throwing in all manner of other

amazing facts. Did you know, for instance, that beavers’ anal secretions are used to add vanilla flavour to ice cream? Or that pandas in the wild can mate 40 times in an afternoon? Or, as in this passage, that until recently women learned if they were about to become mothers from amphibians…

It may sound suspiciously like bogus medieval folk medicine, but from the 1940s through to the 1960s the world’s first reliable pregnancy test was a small, bug-eyed African toad (Xenopus laevis). When injected with a pregnant woman’s urine, the toad didn’t turn blue or display stripes, but it would squirt out eggs eight to twelve hours later to confirm a positive result.

There was no such thing as a home-testing toad. The injecting was done by professional pregnancy testers who wiled away the hours in the basements of many a hospital and family-planning clinic alongside tanks of these prognostic toads. I discussed the process with Audrey Peattie, an effervescent 82-year-old former toad tester at Watford hospital.

Working in a lab full of urine and amphibians was an unusual occupation for a young woman in the 1950s. Whereas most of Audrey’s female friends became secretaries, she headed off to Watford aged 17 for a career that was, she told me, ‘embarrassing to explain’, but which she relished nevertheless.

lUcy cookE’s FAVoURiTE NATURAl HisToRy books

n We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves

by karen Joy Fowler My book includes the heartbreaking tale of a chimp raised as a human by an American psychologist in the 1960s. This brilliant novel is the imagined first-person story of the human “sibling” of one such experiment.

n The Ancestor’s Tale

by Richard Dawkins I was lucky to have Dawkins as my tutor for three years—quite an intimidating man to write an essay for! He’s one of the finest science communicators and this illuminating clamber through the tree of life is my favourite of his books.

n Lonesome George

by Henry Nicholls This extraordinary tale of the last Galapagos Pinta Island tortoise is a poignant reflection on our devastating impact on the planet’s fauna.

n Reaktion Animal Series

by various authors Each of these books explores our relationship with a different animal, through culture, mythology, science and history.

‘We did about forty tests a day. The toads were rather slippery but you got hold of them between their legs and injected them under the skin and into their fleshy thighs,’ Audrey recalled. ‘You then popped them into a

presence of human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG, the hormone released after a human egg is fertilized. Hogben recognized the toad’s potential as a pregnancy test to be a ‘godsend’. He was so enamoured

Working in a lab full of urine and amphibians was an unusual occupation for a young woman in the 1950s

numbered jar, left them in a warm place overnight and examined them in the morning to see if they’d laid eggs. If the toad had only laid a few eggs, we repeated the test with another toad. But the toads were practically never at fault.’

Their knack for detecting pregnancy was discovered by the British endocrinologist Lancelot Hogben whilst he was stationed at the University of Cape Town in the late 1920s. Hogben had previously used European frogs in his studies of hormones, but in South Africa he began experimenting with the local fauna. He found that Xenopus, just like today’s chemical pregnancy tests, displayed a dramatic response to the

AND THE NAME oF

THE AUTHoR is… John steinbeck—the novels are, respectively, East of Eden, The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men.

with the amphibian that he later named his house after it.

The ‘Hogben test’, as it became known, quickly replaced the far less reliable ‘rabbit test’, which involved injecting a rabbit with urine and then dissecting it several hours later to examine its ovaries for any sign of eggs. The previous technique, Audrey explained, was far less practical. ‘Imagine keeping enough rabbits to do forty tests a day!’ The toads had the distinct advantage that they could be reused.

Another plus of the toad test was that the toads were small and could be kept in tanks whilst awaiting their rendezvous with an uncertain woman’s hormonal sample. After doing a predictive turn, each toad would get a little holiday, Audrey told me, ‘about three weeks off’. During this time ‘they just swam about’ and ‘got fed chopped liver’. Then they would get called up for their powers of prophecy.”

Philip Pullman is the award-winning author of the acclaimed fantasy trilogy, His Dark Materials. His new book, Daemon Voices: Essays on Storytelling, is published on November 2.

Finn Family Moomintroll

by tove jansson

I read this with delight and wonder when I was ten; I loved the spare, elegant drawings, the Moomins’ life with their nice food and strange adventures but, above all, I loved it because it was the first time I experienced the strong sense of how a story develops. While that story was clearly made up, I remember feeling that it didn’t matter because it felt so true and was utterly convincing.

The New American Poetry 1945–1960

edited by donald allen

When I was in the sixth form in North Wales, the mobile library came round and, my God, this important and influential anthology with its revelatory language swept me away.

The line in Ginsberg’s poem, Sunflower Sutra—“it was my first sunflower, memories of Blake”—led me to discover William Blake, who’s been my guiding star ever since. A few of my friends and I liked to think of ourselves as beatniks, wearing our “Ban the Bomb” badges, but we were a long way from San Francisco!

Giordano Bruno and the Hermetic Tradition

by FRanCes yates

I picked this up during my final term at Oxford. The book had absolutely nothing to do with my course but it had a huge influence on me, introducing me to the world of Renaissance magic, astrology and other books by Yates on art history. It’s from my extensive reading and fascination with symbols in Renaissance art that the truthtelling device, the alethiometer in His Dark Materials, has its source. As told to Caroline Hutton

You Couldn’t Make It Up

Win £50 for your true, funny stories! go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

my brother, who is very sensitive about his weight, was going to his first local slimming club after being persuaded by his doctor. I called him that evening to see how he’d got on.

Very disgruntled, he told me he hadn’t gone in. Apparently he took offence at the sign outside that read, “Weight Watchers should please use the large double doors at the side entrance.”

LoUise Cooper, Devon

eaCh sUnday WhiLe I’m in church, my young daughter attends Sunday school. Recently, I asked her after we’d both finished what she’d learned about. “Nothing,” she said.

So I asked her, “Did you learn about God?”

“No,” she replied. “He wasn’t even there.” pia ainsWorth, Manchester

as i Was strUGGLinG to get up from a park bench following surgery, I was relieved when a teenage boy offered assistance. After I thanked him for his kindness he responded,

“Oh I’m used to it. My dad gets way more hungover than you!”

JiLL Cohen, Leeds

a Friend’s LittLe boy was given a calculator for his first day at school. The weekend after his first week back, he was staring intently at the calculator, so I asked, “What are you working out?”

With a smile on his face he replied, “I’m working out how many days are

guto dias

“Was that our only rescue flare?”

left of school until the Christmas holidays begin!”

Catherine hisCox, Hertfordshire

i Went to the printers the other day and was asked when I needed the work completed by. Knowing she would have heard it a hundred times before, I quipped to the cashier, “I suppose to ask for it by yesterday would be too much?”

Without a glimmer of a smile she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Certainly, Sir, if you come in yesterday I’ll have it ready for you.”

martin dodd, East Sussex

years aGo, a neW Game came on the market called “Fuzzy Felt” where pictures could be created using coloured cut-outs of felt. I decided to buy this for my kids. While searching round the toy shop, a male assistant approached to ask if I needed help.

“Have you got any Fuzzy Felt?”

To my surprise he replied, “No, I always walk like this.”

sheiLa ChisnaLL, Devon

hands with the congregation. As the church slowly emptied, three older women remained, presumably waiting for their lift home. Two had Zimmer frames, while the other was sat in a wheelchair.

One looked up at me and said, “This is critics corner, you know.”

“That’s OK,” I replied, “I can handle criticism.”

Whereupon the woman piped up, “Who said anything about criticism? I said this is arthritics corner!”

CLiFF Kent, Kent

at WorK in a nUrsery, I recently overheard a wise beyond her years three-year-old student telling her friend, “The thing is, Sarah, all boys are silly.” After a moment’s reflection she added, “Well, except baby boys and daddies…”

naomi boUrne, Birmingham

my daUGhter Was tryinG to explain the physical differences between men and women to my seven-year-old grandson, Tom.

“So, does everyone actually have bottoms?” he asked. My daughter nodded and confirmed that they do. After a moment of hesitation, Tom declared confidently, “I know someone who doesn’t!”

shona LLoyd, Clwyd

in a bid to Lose WeiGht, my husband joined a gym. On his first visit he came back exhausted and complained, “I’ve exercised alongside people so thin that buzzards follow them to their cars!”

i Was LeadinG a ChUrCh service and, following the benediction, I made my way to the foyer to shake

“Who?” replied my daughter, clearly baffled.

“God, of course,” Tom announced, triumphantly. “He’s just a face in the sky.”

Christine edney, East Grinstead

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Word Power

We’re counting on you to figure out these useful words about numbers, amounts, and measurements. Having trouble putting two and two together? Turn the page for answers.

BY EMILY COX & HENRY RATHVON

1. fourscore adj —A: 16. B: 40. C: 80.

2. tabulate v —A: rank by weight and height. B: count or arrange systematically. C: indent a column.

3. copious adj —A: plentiful. B: scanty. C: carefully reproduced.

4. gross n —A: 12 dozen. B: 51 per cent. C: two bushels.

5. aggregate adj —A: increasing exponentially. B: amounting to a whole. C: left over as a fraction.

6. googol n —A: negative number. B: value of pi. C: one followed by 100 zeros.

7. paucity n —A: more than necessary. B: shortage. C: no more than expected.

8. myriad adj —A: very heavy. B: very small . C: countless.

9. troika n —A: numbered wheel. B: group of three. C: ancient calculator.

10. calibrate v—A: adjust according to a standard. B: divide into equal parts. C: gain heat.

11. manifold adj —A: diverse. B: dwindling. C: doubled.

12. quota n —A: estimated profit. B: bottom line. C: preset percentage.

13. brace n —A: pair. B: trio. C: quartet.

14. cipher n —A: zero. B: exponent. C: equal proportion.

15. cubed adj—A: tripled. B: doubled. C: multiplied by itself twice.

Answers

1. fourscore —[C] 80. “That’s the strangest thing I’ve heard in all my fourscore years.”

2. tabulate —[B] count or arrange systematically. “The committee has tabulated the votes—and determined that it’s a tie!”

3. copious —[A] plentiful. “Harriet’s notes from history class are copious but completely illegible.”

4. gross —[A] 12 dozen. “How many gross of cupcakes did you order for Charlie’s seventh birthday party?”

5. aggregate —[B] amounting to a whole. “Analysts are expecting the aggregate demand for electric cars to skyrocket.”

6. googol —[C] one followed by 100 zeros. “Emile’s chances of dating Jacqueline are about one in a googol .”

7. paucity [B] shortage. “Given the paucity of evidence against the murder suspect, the detective reluctantly let her go.”

8. myriad [C] countless. “Gemma plans

to consume myriad pumpkin spiceflavoured products this autumn.”

9. troika —[B] group of three. “In my opinion, Larry, Curly and Moe are a troika of numbskulls.”

10. calibrate —[A] adjust according to a standard. “The post office calibrates its scale each morning before opening for business.”

11. manifold —[A] diverse.

“There are manifold reasons why Alexander’s time-machine experiment failed.”

12. quota —[C] preset percentage. “Are you saying one lousy biscuit is my quota from this tin?”

13. brace —[A] pair. “We just adopted a brace of puppies, so it’s kind of crazy around our house.”

WORD OF THE DAY*

OIKONISUS

The urge to start a family.

Alternative suggestions:

“Census of pigs.”

“A kiosk only selling onions, for some unknown reason.”

“When your blocked sinuses make you sound like a pig.”

14. cipher —[A] zero. “If you felt like a cipher in secondary school, join the club!”

15. cubed

[C] multiplied by itself twice. “Three cubed is 27, the last time I checked.”

VOCABULARY RATINGS

9 & below: average 10–12: ample 13–15: bountiful

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Complete control

The Leaf Blower is lightweight, at just 4.3 kg, the product has been designed so that battery and body weight are evenly distributed. When in use, it will naturally point towards the ground to direct air ow. So, you won’t have to worry about straining your wrists, even if you use it for the entire 20-minute run-time on full power. The variable trigger allows for complete control, when you squeeze or release the trigger you will feel the air ow change to suit your garden needs.

Easy to use

The Gtech Cordless Leaf Blower is easy to use, there is no need to pull cords or top up with fuel, simply attach the battery and pull the trigger to start. The product’s cordless convenience means there are no cables to trip you up or limit your access, and no petrol to store or pour – simply charge and it’s ready to go. When you’re done, you can remove the detachable nozzle, so the Gtech Leaf blower is compact enough to be stored in small places.

Don’t just take our word for it… We really do care what you think. Go online to see the thousands of independent reviews our customers have given us; and check out our product videos at www.gtech.co.uk

Brainteasers

Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers, then check your answers on p139.

Unknown area

If the outer shape is a perfect square and the numbers indicate the lengths of the corresponding line segments in centimetres, what is the area of A?

Happy Campers

You just bought nine lakeside campsites, which you can rent out to campers with tents for £20 per campsite per evening. You can also upgrade them with electrical hook-ups: this will cost you £60 per campsite but will allow you to rent them to motorhome owners for £40 per evening. Suppose you can always fill your campground to capacity. If you’re starting without any cash on hand, how many nights will pass before you’ll be able to upgrade all nine sites?

(unknown area) Marcel Danesi

paTH pUzzLe redUx

Draw a path that leads from any one of the grid’s openings to any other. As the path winds from one cell to the next, it can move up, down, left or right but not diagonally. It cannot pass through any cell more than once. The numbers around the grid tell how many cells the path must pass through in the corresponding row or column. Numbers adjacent to both a row and a column represent the total number of cells in the path from both the row and the column. If a row or column has no number, then the path may pass through as many or as few cells as you’d like.

GeTTInG To THe rooT

What number is x?

THe LonG and sHorT oF IT

Six neighbourhood children—Leisha, Benito, Delia, Charlotte, Weldon and Zina— were measured yesterday. Weldon is taller than Delia but shorter than Zina. Leisha is taller than Benito but shorter than Delia and Weldon. Benito is not the shortest. List the kids in order of height from tallest to shortest.

Unknown area

20cm2. Each side of the square is 6cm in length, so the total area is 36cm2. The area of A is the area of the square minus the sum of the areas of the three triangles.

Happy Campers

Three. On the first night, you’ll host nine tents and make £180, which you’ll use to upgrade three sites. On the second night you’ll host three motorhomes and six tents, earning £240, letting you upgrade another four sites. On the third night you’ll host seven motorhomes and two tents, earning you more than enough to upgrade the last two.

Brainteasers: Answers 0

£50 prIze qUesTIon

answer published in the december issue

these letters can be rearranged to form three different seven-letter words. can you find them?

SEEN RAT

the first correct answer we pick on november 1

paTH pUzzLe redUx

wins £50!* email excerpts @readersdigest.co.uk

answer To oCTober’s prIze qUesTIon

Just three colours are necessary

GeTTInG To THe rooT 18.

THe LonG and sHorT oF IT

Zina, Weldon, Delia, Leisha, Benito, Charlotte.

and THe £50 Goes To… ann cuthbert, lincolnshire

Laugh!

Win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

MY GRANDAD DIED RECENTLY. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive.”

ANDREW BERRY, Lincoln

I’M TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE and I can’t wait to find out what shape I’m going to be.

I was hoping for hourglass but it looks like lava lamp is more realistic.

SEEN ONLINE

NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?

LATELY I’VE BEEN TRYING to eat more organically. And by that, I mean that I don’t plan any of my meals in advance.

You’d be surprised how many times a day you just happen to pass a McDonald’s. COMEDIAN JUSTIN CUPO

A DUCK WAS STOOD next to a busy road where cars were zooming past while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said,

5,000

...is the number of noodle bowls a Chinese man purchased in gratitude to a restaurant manager who recovered his lost engagement ring. He was so overjoyed that he insisted all the customers ate for free for a day.

“Don’t do it, man. You’ll never hear the end of it.”

SEEN ONLINE

UDDERLY ADORABLE

These unbelievably tame cows are man’s new best friend (as seen at boredpanda.com).

JEREMY DAVIES, Hertfordshire

WALKING THROUGH a village, a man was hit by a coconut, a raffle ticket and a jar of homemade chutney. Seeking to explain such strange events, he decided it must have been fête.

TRAINS IN BRITAIN can be late for all sorts of reasons: speed restrictions, livestock on the track, or a totally substandard rail infrastructure that’s publicly funded, privately run and answerable to no one. All sorts of reasons.

COMEDIAN MILES JUPP

MY WIFE ASKED ME to pass her lip balm, but I accidentally passed her super glue instead.

She’s still not talking to me.

SEEN ON PINTEREST

I REMEMBER HOW my mum would always complain about the terms of her divorce. She’d say, “He got the boat and the car and I got stuck with the dishwasher and the TV remote.”

I would reply, “My sister and I do have names, you know.”

COMEDIAN SCOTT BOLANDER

ETYMOLOGICALLY the word “quinoa” is really interesting. It originally comes from the noise that people make when they’re told how much it costs in a café.

COMEDIAN ANDY ZALTZMAN

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS ALWAYS shouting at me for getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed up my bags and right left away. SEEN ON PINTEREST

I WENT TO THE OPTICIANS for new glasses the other day and guess who I bumped into?

Everyone. SEEN ONLINE

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR where there are some big slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender about them and the bartender explains that if he can jump up and slap one, he’ll get free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if he misses, he has to buy everyone else drinks.

The man looks at the bartender,

looks at the meat, looks back to the bartender and responds, “Nah, the steaks are too high.” SEEN ON BUZZFEED

A NAVY CHIEF NOTICED a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here. What’s your name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what they’re teaching in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “I refer to my sailors by their last names only and you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, aye, Chief!”

“Now, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do…” SEEN ONLINE

WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

Twitter users delight in the pearls of wisdom only dads can give:

@MarcosAmparo3: “Once my dad went to the supermarket and the cashier asked if he wanted the milk in the bag. He replied, ‘No, just leave it in the carton.’ ”

@MyLittleGarrone: “My dad once had a dream that he wrote a hit Easter song called, ‘If It Hadn’t Been for Christmas.’ ”

@JessicaZap14: “My first boyfriend played the saxophone in a ska band. When my dad met him, he told him to practise ‘safe sax.’ ”

@MauraNealon12: “My uncle takes all my cousins to learn to drive in the cemetery because, ‘You can’t kill anybody in there.’ ”

60-Second Stand-Up

We chatted to Britain’s Got Talent funny man, Daliso Chaponda

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE OF YOUR OWN JOKES?

It’s about coping with abuse and trauma. It was very difficult to write and I had to try many different versions, but once I got it working it was very satisfying.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE ONE-LINER?

The Bible says, “Thou shalt not steal”, but nowhere does it say, “Thou shalt not swap”.

HAVE YOU FOUND PARTS OF THE COUNTRY FUNNIER THAN OTHERS?

The crowds that like me the most are in places like Glasgow and Liverpool. I can’t figure out why but there’s something about more working-class cities. My audience isn’t posh…

WHO’S YOUR INSPIRATION?

Roald Dahl. His books were the first thing to make me laugh raucously. I identified with Matilda because I was at boarding school too and felt like the world was against me.

ANY MEMORABLE HECKLES?

I had a man constantly interrupting to ask, “Were you on the telly?” Eventually I said, “I was on the telly,

and later I’m going to be on your wife.” It was crude but it tapped into the rhythm of what he was saying, and it definitely cheered his wife up.

WHAT SUPER POWER WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

As a kid it would have been the ability to reset the day like a video game whenever something went wrong. Now I’d just like more time. I’ve probably got 70 years, but I’d rather have 140.

You can book tickets to Daliso Chaponda’s debut tour What The African Said… at livenation.co.uk

Beat the Cartoonist!

Think of a witty caption for this cartoon—the three best suggestions, along with the cartoonist’s original, will be posted on our website in midNovember. If your entry gets the most votes, you’ll win £100

Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption by November 10. We’ll announce the winner in our January issue.

September’s Winner

After several months of failing to impress, things are starting to look up for our cartoonist. This month, his caption, “This is my new boyfriend, Terry— he’s a burglar”, won a quarter of the votes, coming in a respectable second. And yet, it was no match for the winner, whose pithy line garnered clicks from a storming 54 per cent of voters. Congratulations, Dave McKenna, for your caption: “Well, the guy at the computer store suggested we use Windows in the future.”

IN THE DECEMBER ISSUE

“I Remember”: Alison Steadman

The actress on how she overcame fear of the

camera

Interview: Tim Peake

Plus

• How to Overcome Osteoporosis

• The World’s Best Christmas Markets

• Saving the Pandas