Reader's Digest UK Oct 2023

John Goodman

“REGRETS

ARE A WASTE OF ENERGY”

Beyond Words A Man’s Life Transformed By Three Months Of Silence

100 WORD-STORY Competition Win £1,000!

Olly Mann explains how fatherhood has changed his attitude towards football

The star of Roseanne, The Big Lebowski and Monsters Inc talks sobriety and schedules

With awe-inspiring careers as an astronaut, test and fighter pilot and author, Chris Hadfield looks back on his amazing life

Our popular competition to write a story using just 100 words is back

How simply staying quiet and walking over 600 miles profoundly changed a man's life

13 fascinating things about fungus, from the mushroom market to their potential travel to outer space

How a man suffering from bad sleep habits and snoring was prepared to try anything to make his situation better

How surviving cancer at a young age has a huge impact and long-term effects that last into adulthood

Why varied wooden prayer plaques adorn temples and shrines in Japan

Travelling to Poland to experience and even help drive the last scheduled steam train in the world

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Eva Mackevic

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Unfiltered GOODMAN

If you go around asking people about their all-time favourite John Goodman film, you’re in for a mishmash of answers. He’s the embodiment of versatility, capable of effortlessly taking centre stage in virtually any movie, outshining his co-stars. For some, he resonates as the affable family man, Dan Conner, in Roseanne. Others can readily quote his iconic lines from The Big Lebowski, while younger viewers might idolise him for lending his voice to the amiable blue monster, Sulley, in Monsters, Inc.

As for me, I’m all about his role as the larger-than-life drug dealer Harling Mays in 2012’s Flight. The scene where he rolls up to a hotel to save Denzel Washington’s pilot from the mother of all hangovers, strutting down the hallway with a backpack full of cocaine to the tune of The Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”—that’s got to be one of the coolest moments in movie history.

We are thrilled to share our interview with Goodman on p18, where he delves into reigniting his passion for acting, overcoming his alcohol addiction in 2007, and simply embracing life’s everyday experiences: from dentist appointments to leisurely days in his New Orleans home, and his newfound fascination with the works of Charles Dickens. As grounded and unpretentious as he is remarkably skilled, spending 15 minutes inside the mind of this Hollywood hero is truly a delight.

Eva eva mackevic Editor-in-Chief

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Over To You

LETTERS ON THE August ISSUE

We pay £30 for every published letter

Memories Of Moggy

I loved reading about Rebecca Treston's Morris Minor 1000, as a “Moggy” was my very first car. Built in 1959 and purchased from one of my uncles some 12 years later for the princely sum of £100, it took me everywhere. Moggy was often crammed with friends too. Health and Safety couldn't have been a major concern then, because I remember it once taking nine of us—six in the back and three in the front—a short distance to a party.

For several summers, I taught English to foreign students at a language school on the Kent coast. At a speed never exceeding 50mph, Moggy used to take the greater part of a day to travel down from Yorkshire, using mainly A-roads and making regular stops at transport cafes. As my job involved socialising with our mainly adult students as well as teaching them, the evenings often saw

us take an international group to a fun fair, disco or country pub. My humble Moggy once even transported a young prince from one of the oil-rich states in the Middle East (we went to Dreamland in Margate, where His Highness consumed far more candy floss than was good for him and I feared for my upholstery).

Parting company with my Moggy was a very sad day, but I didn't have the resources to pay for all the work needed to keep her on the road. It would be good to think, though, that someone else may have lovingly restored her, as so many proud Morris Minor owners have done to her contemporaries.

MAGGIE COBBETT, North Yorkshire

Stylish Second-Hand

"What's The Point Of New Clothes?" was a thought-provoking article. I totally got where the writer Richard Glover was coming from. There are so many reasons why buying second-hand clothes is better for you and the planet.

It helps keep items in circulation, saves you money, you can discover unique items that you will love, you are supporting good causes, and finding second-hand clothes is more fun! It is also better for the environment than buying new, it's easier than ever to buy second-hand (with so many charity shops and online charity shops) and it can help you develop your own style…just to list a few reasons.

Awareness of the environmental and social downfalls of the fashion industry has grown significantly in recent years. I not only buy clothes and shoes second-hand, I buy used furniture and kitchen essentials too.

Throwaway fashion is putting pressure on our planet and its people. It’s unsustainable. I hope this article helps to make people think again about buying secondhand items.

POPPY AITCHISON, Manchester

Walk This Way, Talk This Way

I read with interest “If I Ruled the World” with Christopher Somerville. I recently purchased his book, Walking the Bones of Britain, as I am an avid walker myself.

I note that if he ruled the world, he would make geologists explain themselves to everyone. I'm behind him all the way on this. To think like a geologist is complicated. There is definitely a particular way of thinking unique to them. I feel it's something you're either born with or not— training just finishes what they started.

I googled geology—it describes the structure of the Earth on, and beneath, its surface and the processes that have shaped that structure. I have a friend who studied Geology at university and he did a five-year course in the end. He is now an environmental consultant. I have to say, he is without a doubt one of the coolest people I know, even though I have a tough task on my hands (when he starts talking about his job) understanding what he means!

RYAN ROSWELL, Norfolk

POETRY CORNER

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Email us at readersletters@ readersdigest.co.uk

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Autumn is here by Les Powell, Kent

Autumn is here… The colours are pastel shades, The breeze is not so friendly now, And I have watched the flowers fade. An edge to the air bids “Farewell summer”, The early nights are cool, The grass has slowed to an easy speed, And I have stored the garden tools. The berries attend the birds, I have replanted the bulbs for the spring, Although spring seems so far away, Time is swift, on silent wings. The green leaves have donned, A rusted beauty of their own, They announce the coming of winter, And the warmth of a cosy home. The earth is to have its slumber, With autumn as its cloak, We will soon hear the crackle of bonfires, And know again, the scent of their drifting smoke. “Yes…autumn is here”.

Guide

Dog Puppy by Brenda Watkins, Surrey

Pedro gentle, soft as blossom, Palest coat we’d ever seen Came to us in early summer

To begin his new routine.

Six weeks old they brought him to us— Life for him had just begun

Heavy lidded, doe-eyed, sloe-eyed Slumbering in April sun.

Didn’t know that he was special— Destined to become a Guide, Dreaming deeply—paws a’twitching With his football by his side.

Memory Lane

To celebrate the rich legacy of Reader’s Digest, we share some of your most cherished memories of the magazine. Kicking off this new series is a moving letter from our reader in Bosnia and Herzegovina, who found solace in learning English with the help of Reader's Digest as a child in a war-torn country...

A Letter From A Boy, From 1993

I was nine when the war started in Bosnia. Just a couple of months before that, my brother passed away from cancer. My mother gave her all not to feed my introvert nature, would even lock the door of the house and made me go out and find other kids to play with. When the shelling of our country began, going outside was life threatening. With nowhere to play, my mother took me to an English language class. At first there were about 20 of us. After a couple of months of shelling, I was the only one to attend the class. The old English teacher gave every atom of her energy to pass on all the knowledge she could to make me learn and use the time with her as effectively as possible. I will never forget her words: "When you find yourself waking up and thinking in the other language, only then you will know you're on a good path to learning it”.

The classes finished, it was still wartime, and I was hungrier for the English language—more than ever. My family's next door neighbour used to work as an English interpreter, and he started

giving me two kinds of materials: Agatha Christie's novels and Reader's Digest! But there was a catch. If I wanted more material from him, I had to persuade him I had read the last magazine from cover to cover! I had to summarise everything! While other kids were gathering around the lucky ones who had Commodore64s, I was sweating over understanding everything you wrote.

Fast forward to today, I am now 41. Family with two kids. Entrepreneur. Wrestling with all aspects of surviving in a constantly changing industry and world. I noticed I was getting anxious. Entrepreneurship is a hell of a ride and it gets to you one way or another. I have been searching for ways to slow down for the last six months…and then I stumbled upon Reader's Digest UK, June 2023. I don't think even ChatGPT is eloquent enough to describe the feeling of turning the pages 30 years later. My dear Reader's Digest team, I'm thankful for each and every word you have printed. You helped a ten-year-old boy then, and you're helping a grown man now.

Azur Hrusti, Tuzla,

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Photos: © Getty Ima G es

…DIFFERENTLY

From a bird‘s eye view or in the light of sunset, marshalling yards display a beauty all of their own. When they are in operation, they tend to be noisy and dangerous places for unauthorised persons, as they are used to assemble wagons weighing tons into trains. The marshalling yard in Maschen near Hamburg (pictured here) is the largest in Europe. Up to 4,000 cars are moved here every day.

Never a fan of football, or any sports for that matter, Olly Mann explains how the combination of fatherhood and Boreham Wood FC have changed his attitude towards supporting a team

Beautiful Game The

Ihave a favourite footballer. His name is Chris Bush and he’s a defender for the National League team Boreham Wood in Hertfordshire. He’s 31, and he plays in the number 5 shirt, and…well, I can’t tell you that much more about him, really, because, in general, I struggle to focus when it comes to football.

Olly Mann is a presenter for Radio 4, and the podcasts The Modern Mann, The Week Unwrapped and Today in History with the Retrospectors

My crippling disinterest in "The Beautiful Game" has been lifelong. At primary school, my classmates spent lunchbreak playing keepie-uppie and trading Tottenham Top Trumps, while I was in the library getting kicks from books and computers. In Games lessons, like all fat kids, I was put "in defence"—which involved chatting to my mates and occasionally pretending to be bothered about where the ball was. I became expert in imitating the body language of the boys who cared: cheering when a goal was scored; channelling their indignation when there was a near-miss; approximating their

joy at a free kick, although I didn’t understand the rules.

As I got older, I stopped trying to fake it. Instead, I wore my aversion to football as a badge of honour; a fundamental part of my identity. “It’s only a game!" I’d tell Dad, as he urged me to watch England flunk yet another penalty shoot-out. I’d separate the Sports section from The Times and chuck it straight into the bin, as if it contaminated the rest of the paper. When a big

such fellows would field me a friendly follow-up: “Oh, right, are you a rugby man, then? Cricket?”— an equally unhelpful line of enquiry, given my total indifference to any sport aside from the Olympics (and there’s only one fortnight every four years when anyone wants to chat about the Olympics).

This attitude of mine, I could see, had closed off hours of conversation, evenings out, even entire friendships with people (well, men, mainly) that

THE ATMOSPHERE AT MEADOW PARK STADIUM FELT FRIENDLY, INCLUSIVE AND GOOD VALUE

game was on, I’d go shopping, and post performative photos of me doing so on social media, smugly demonstrating how much more free time I had than the mindless majority around me, endlessly absorbed in their silly competition that pointlessly resets itself every 12 months. And, genuinely, I credited some intellectual advantage to the space in my brain I’d cultivated for non-sports trivia.

But, occasionally—typically, in the backseat of a cab, or when meeting a friend’s father—I’d find myself confronted with a well-intentioned opener like, “Cor, terrible season we’re having, eh?”, or simply, “Who do you support?”, and feel my heart sink, knowing my reply would inevitably disappoint. Sometimes,

I might otherwise have enjoyed. I couldn’t change the fact that I found football boring, but was coming to regret my outsider status as much as I celebrated it.

And then I became a dad, and I didn’t want my two boys to lack this desirable social lubricant. So, I brought a football to the playground. I got them a mini foosball table. And, because I couldn’t bear to sit through Match of the Day, I bought them tickets to watch our local team, Boreham Wood.

The atmosphere at Meadow Park stadium immediately disarmed me: I’d been expecting a compact replica of the confrontational, macho, wallet-draining experience of larger clubs, but this felt friendly, low-key, inclusive—and good value (free

parking on the street, £2.50 for a bag of chips).

We sat close to the action (mind you, all seats at Meadow Park are close to the action—it’s like fringe theatre), surrounded by families who clearly had a real connection to the players on the pitch: some because they were life-long supporters, others because they were literally related to them. And, because my kids kept asking me what was going on, I stayed relatively alert to the game (I’ll admit, I occasionally found myself drifting and studying the advertising hoardings, but perhaps for only ten per cent of the match).

Almost without noticing, my yelps of support when "The Wood" scored a goal were actually authentic, as were my groans when "we" missed a penalty kick. Still, some things felt alien to me: the ripple of wolfwhistles when a female referee stepped up; some boys banging out the England chant on a drum (what’s the point when the other team are

English too?).

My younger son, Toby, unfortunately wriggled and kicked through most of the game (perhaps footballphobia is genetic…?), but the older one, Harvey, was enthralled, and we’ve since returned to Meadow Park five times—in sunlight, in rain, under floodlights, in the cold—each time following the action more closely, and feeling a stronger connection with the team's supporter community.

That’s how Chris Bush comes into the story. Minutes after The Wood’s win against Halifax in August (2-0, about as good as it gets), we were heading out of the stadium—Harvey bedecked in his Boreham Wood FC scarf and hat—when we strolled past Chris, cooling down by the goalposts.

Not only did he high-five Harvey, he posed for a photo, too, grinning with delight. Not something you’d get in the Premier League, I suspect. And, finally, giving me a genuine answer to “Who do you support”?. n

Wear It Pink

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so help raise money to support breast cancer prevention, as sadly everyone knows someone affected

Breast Cancer Now's "Wear It Pink" day is one of the biggest fundraising events in the UK, helping with bake sales, wild swims, knitting sesssions and more

SOURCE: BREASTCANCERNOW.ORG

John Goodman

“Regrets Are A Waste Of Energy”

By Simon Button

The

US screen legend opens up about stardom, sobriety and growing up without a father

Forty years into his career and having conquered his demons, John Goodman is feeling energised. “I’ve surpassed all my dreams,” he says with one of those trademark huge grins of his, “and the best part of it is within the last few years I’ve fallen in love with acting again.”

With his heavy drinking days now far behind him, this most amiable and unguarded of interviewees admits: “I got jaded and dulled a little bit. I always liked doing it but now I really, really love it.”

Professionally the man best known for playing Dan Conner on Roseanne and for his darkly comic turns in many Coen Brothers films is in a very good place. Now 71, he’s got regular gigs on the Roseanne reboot (renamed The Conners after Roseanne herself got into hot water for an ill-advised Twitter rant) and the crime comedy The Righteous Gemstones, plus he voices cuddly Sulley on the Monsters at Work series on Disney+. Goodman hasn’t been on stage for a while, not since he trod the West End boards in 2015 in American Buffalo and appeared on Broadway in The Front Page the following year. “But when I get the time, I’d like to

INTERVIEW: JOHN GOODMAN

start a theatre career again. It’s very rewarding. The best experience I ever had was when I did American Buffalo in London.”

As for whether he’s now got this acting thing down pat, what with everything from movies like The Flintstones to Argo and such TV shows as Sesame Street to The West Wing on his packed CV, he grins again. “Absolutely not. But I’m learning how to relax more into it and to realise that it’s not life or death. It just makes it easier if I’m more relaxed and more susceptible to inspiration.”

He has regrets, both personally and professionally, but he chooses neither to detail or dwell on them.

“I have many regrets but it’s worthless to think that way. I used to live on regrets as motivation but they’re stupid and a waste of energy.”

We’re chatting at the 2023

Monte-Carlo Television Festival, where Goodman is serving as jury president. He’s been meeting fans, all of whom have one thing in common. “They seem to like the guy from The Big Lebowski the most,” he says of his turn as Jeff Bridges’ bowling buddy in the Coens classic. “I’m not going to argue with them. I’m very happy that it makes people so happy. They watch it over and over and they know the lines better than I do.”

Looking smart but relaxed in a navy jacket, yellow tie and khaki trousers, he’s a shadow of his former self. After quitting alcohol and taking up diet and exercise, he’s shed 200 pounds and is much healthier for it. “But I’ve been working non-stop for the last six years and I’ve had to neglect little medical things that pile up,” he sighs about the unavoidable ravages of time. “This summer I’ve been bouncing from doctor to dentist to doctor, trying to repair things that have needed repair for a while.”

Goodman’s drinking actually amounted to 30 years, during which he’s confessed to often being so drunk at work he’s amazed he never got fired. It must have taken incredible strength to give up alcohol for good in 2007?

He nods his head. “It was a matter of surrendering [to sobriety]. I was sober for a couple of weeks and after that I knew that I would never go back. It frightens me and I know I can only speak for one day at a time but I know I’m not going to drink today. And I gained so much by giving it up. I regained my life.”

John Stephen Goodman was born and raised in small-town Missouri. His father died of a heart attack when John was two years old. “So I grew up without a father and there was always a feeling of being different. I was a loner and I used to escape by watching TV, at least when our television set wasn’t broken.” He

smiles at the memory. “You had to keep banging it to get it to work.”

He played football in high school and earned a football scholarship to Missouri State University, but a ligament injury soon put paid to a sports career. So he switched to the drama programme and, with his sights on the stage, set off for New York in 1975. “I didn’t think there was any possible way that I’d succeed but I knew that if I didn’t give it a go I would hate myself for the rest of my life. I didn’t expect to stay long but I knew I had to try.”

John exceeded his low expectations, performing off-Broadway and in dinner theatre productions before graduating to Broadway itself and

In RaisingArizona

“I WAS SOBER FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND AFTER THAT I KNEW I WOULD NEVER GO BACK”

breaking into movies in the longforgotten 1983 thriller Eddie Macon’s Run, where he was 19th on the cast list. Other films with bigger roles followed, including his first for the Coens with Raising Arizona, before he landed the life-changing role of Dan Conner on Roseanne.

He was torn about auditioning for it, saying now: “I had started building a nice film career by then but I said to myself, ‘Well, if I get this I can stop living out of a suitcase for a while’. I didn’t know how long it was going to last but we all got on like gangbusters. It was just a great place to work.”

The show debuted in 1988 and ended up lasting for ten seasons, followed by a reboot in 2018 that saw the Roseanne character being killed off after Barr’s Twitter outburst and the show being renamed. I wonder if Goodman wants to comment on that and he deadpans: “I better not.”

Plans to head from Monte-Carlo to Los Angeles to shoot the sixth season of The Conners have since been put on hold because of the Screen Actors Guild strike, as has a return to South Carolina for season four of The Righteous Gemstones. Married to Annabeth Hartzog (with whom he

INTERVIEW: JOHN GOODMAN

has a daughter, Molly) since 1989, he says of Charleston, NC: “It’s a great city. My wife loves it. The dogs love it. And the crew and the other actors are just a wonderful company.”

Hopefully there’ll be more Coens films too. “I love working with them,” says the man who last collaborated with the brothers on 2013’s Inside

Llewyn Davis. “When I auditioned for Raising Arizona I didn’t know anything about them. Like me, they were just a couple of Midwestern wise guys who lived in New York and they turned out to be geniuses. It’s so easy for me to play the characters they come up with because it’s all there on the page. I don’t have to do a lick of work.”

Playing Sulley in the Monsters, Inc. franchise is rewarding, but harder work than you might imagine. He’s only doing the voice. “But I still have to throw my whole body into it, so it’s tiring.” He laughs. “And they’re never satisfied. You just have to keep doing things over and over, and after a while you kind of lose your mind but I always enjoyed radio when I was a kid and I’ve always liked to use my voice.”

“I WAS A BIG KID AND I COULD LOOK SCARY—WHEN I DO MY RELAXED FACE, IT LOOKS LIKE I’M ANGRY”

Working on Monsters,Inc. with Billy Crystal

Goodman also channels some of his younger self into the big blue beast. “I was a pretty big kid and I could look scary, and when I do my relaxed face it looks like I’m angry.” He demonstrates, then serves up another grin.

Given his usually packed work schedule, what does he do to relax? “You know, I’d never read any Charles Dickens before so I picked up Bleak House and now I’m finishing Little Dorrit . He’s such an incredible writer, but I’ve got to leave them alone for a while because I turn the pages too fast.”

As for what else he enjoys during his downtime, he adds: “I like being with my wife at home in New

Orleans doing nothing in particular, just not having to answer any phones or doorbells. That doesn’t happen much but I relish it when it does.”

Workwise he’s happy to consider whatever comes his way. “I’m really not that ambitious and other people have better imaginations than I do, so I rely on them to come up with the characters for me.”

And what does he prefer: playing nice guys or bad ones? “I honestly don’t care,” Goodman deadpans. “I’m just happy when anybody wants me for anything.” n

Monsters at Work is streaming on Disney+. The Righteous Gemstones is on Sky Comedy

Chris Hadfield

I REMEMBER…

Chris Hadfield, 64, is a Canadian astronaut who’s a veteran of three spaceflights and served as Commander of the International Space Station. He’s also been a combat fighter pilot and a test pilot, played a version of Bowie’s “Space Oddity” in space and is an author who has written books like An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth, The Apollo Murders and his new second novel, The Defector

AS A NINE-YEAR-OLD BOY I WAS GROWING UP ON A FARM AND DREAMING OF GOING TO SPACE. I watched shuttle launches, as well as Star Trek and 2001: A Space Odyssey, and I imagined going to space when I looked up at all the stars in the night sky. I wish I could tell that child that his dreams would come true and that he would grow up to pilot and command spaceships.

I FLEW F-18 COMBAT FIGHTERS IN THE COLD WAR AND I WAS A TEST PILOT with the US Air Force and US Navy, even though I’m Canadian. I’ve flown about 100 different types of aeroplanes, including many jet fighters and a few propeller fighters. I’ve flown a Spitfire, F-86 Sabre, F-18, F-16 and F-4—many different, highperformance aeroplanes. In my new novel The Defector, the opening

scene is an F-4 in combat. Being able to draw on my experience, as an F-18 pilot and then as a test pilot, really gave me a depth and platform to talk about it knowledgably and from the inside. Hopefully, I can really let people know what it feels like when you’re in combat or when you’re manoeuvring a plane that’s right at the edge.

I RAN A PROGRAMME THAT MADE F-18S A SAFER AND MORE CAPABLE AEROPLANE. When I was a test pilot with the US Navy, out in the fleet they were crashing the twoseat F-18s on a regular basis. They would go out of control and the only thing that would save them was the ejection seat. It was very high risk of loss of life, as well as obviously the expense of losing an air frame. The programme that me and some engineers pitched boiled down to me

(Clockwise from top left) Chris Hadfield as a five-year-old boy; a teenager in 1975; an astronaut in 2011; an F-18 pilot

© CHRIS HADFIELD

in the airplane deliberately putting it out of control. I was pretty sure that we were high enough and I would get it under control again and we did it and gained confidence the more we did it. We put a new sensor on the nose of the F-18s and used that information to change the flight control laws. We saved lots of aeroplanes and, I expect, some lives. It was a great programme, but it was quite a challenge to run it safely.

WHEN YOU FIRST ARRIVE IN SPACE YOU’VE RIDDEN EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES ON AN EXTREMELY WILD, POWERFUL RIDE ON A ROCKET SHIP. However, it’s short enough that it’s more like driving a car at maximum performance on a very rough road. As

soon as you get to weightlessness your body is now in a fundamentally different environment, for up to (in my case) five or six months, with no gravity and high radiation. The immediate natural reaction to weightlessness is nausea and exhaustion. Obviously, if you have a problem with your spaceship you don’t want to be throwing up and tired, so we take anti-motion sickness medicine. After a couple of days your body adapts to it.

A LACK OF GRAVITY CAUSES

SIGNIFICANT CHANGES TO YOUR BODY. Your body gets slightly longer, because your back isn’t being compressed by gravity and is instead being stretched, giving you back pain.

There’s no gravity to push the blood out of your head, so your face gets fatter and kind of red. The intracranial pressure increases as well and your eyeballs deform slightly (changing a lot of people’s prescription). Your sinuses clog up because there’s nothing to drain your sinuses. I tell people, “If you want to feel what it’s like, stand on your head for three or four hours”. You lose your skeleton. We have bad osteoporosis because the human body doesn’t need a heavy skeleton if you’re not fighting gravity.

All these things take about a month to stabilise in orbit and obviously when you come back, all those things have to reverse. The one that takes the longest is getting your bone

Chris Hadfield on board the International Space Station on Saint Patrick's Day

, density back. I lost about eight per cent of my bone density, especially in the weight-bearing part of my body— the hips and the femur. It took about a year and a half to get back to prelaunch density. But I’d go do it again in a heartbeat. If it’s travelling in space and exploring the universe, it’s fine—it’s just part of the deal.

IT'S BEYOND BEAUTIFUL TO SEE THE WORLD THE WAY I’VE SEEN IT. I’ve been around it 2,650 times, so I’ve seen more than my share of sunrises and sunsets. I’ve seen just such magnificence. To be able to glance the entire length of the Himalayas. To be able to look all the way from Stockholm to Gibraltar, in a glance. To see the fires of Australia,

when things are burning. To see 2,000 miles of thunderstorms across Indonesia and Malaysia, when the entire cloud tops are contagious with lightning. It’s extremely mindexpanding, to get the true reality of our world.

PERHAPS THE MOST IMPACTFUL IS TO SEE SOMETHING RARE. One dawn, before the sun had risen across the Indian Ocean, I was in the cupola with my camera looking down at the world and trying to steal every moment I could. There was an unearthly glow above the atmosphere, almost like shimmering grey-blue waves. I took all the pictures I could. It’s a very rare and hard-to-see cloud that glows in the

Playing Bowie's "Space Oddity" at a London live event in June 2023

Piloting an F-86 Sabre

night called noctilucent clouds. It was just the right angle between the sun behind the horizon and the right rare collection of ice crystals, high in the atmosphere above the stratosphere. It was almost like a surreal rainbow. Because of our speed at five miles a second, we were skimming across it. I felt like the world had just shown me a secret.

MY ZERO GRAVITY COVER OF “SPACE ODDITY” GAVE DAVID BOWIE GREAT JOY. On my first time in space I was on the cover of Time magazine, so it wasn’t the first brush with fame I’d had. I’ve been a musician my whole life and played in bands. But it’s audacious to cover a terrific musician’s song and I sort of

got talked into it by my son. But there was something very prescient in the way Bowie wrote “Space Oddity”—it seemed right on board a spaceship. With just imagining it he somehow captured what the actual feeling is like. The version of the song is something I’m very proud of. Two years before the end of his life, when he probably privately knew that something was coming, he got to see the song played in a place that he always wanted to go. Hundreds of millions of people have seen my version of “Oddity”, which is fine, but I’m just so happy that it put a smile on Bowie’s face.

LOOKING DOWN AT THE EARTH ONE NIGHT, I SAW A BIG

© CHRIS HADFIELD

SHOOTING STAR, with a long, trailing flame. That’s just a big, random rock from the universe that has been trapped by the Earth’s gravity and because of its speed is developing friction and burning up in the Earth’s atmosphere. You can’t help but think, That rock just went by us. It did send a shiver up my back thinking it could have just as easily come through our spaceship. It was big enough to punch a significant hole in our ship and probably would have killed all of us. That happens on Earth too, with random events you can’t do much about them—you can either let them drive you crazy or not. We practise depressurising procedures and I know what the armour is on the outside of the ship and how to repair holes in the ship. But if a random event is large enough, you’re dead. It was dangerous, risk-filled, incredibly beautiful and fulfilling. Being ready and prepared, to me, is the best way to go through life.

WHEN I WROTE THE APOLLO MURDERS AND MY SECOND NOVEL, THE DEFECTOR, I BASED THEM ON MY OWN EXPERIENCES. I've flown in space three times it gave me a terrific perspective and depth to be able to write The Apollo Murders and then The Defector is about a defection of a top-end Soviet fighter in 1973. The story starts on September 5, 1973, which is the eve of the Yom Kippur War in Israel. The story is about 90 per cent real. My plot is interwoven with things that were actually happening and over half of my characters are real people—Golda Meir, Nixon, Kissinger. To me, that makes it more interesting. I want it to be so real that you can’t actually tell which parts are real and which parts are just the story. n

As told to Ian Chaddock

The Defector by Chris Hadfield is published by Quercus and is out October 10, priced £20

Autumn Leaves

"But I miss you most of all, my darling, when autumn leaves start to fall"

FRANK SINATRA, "AUTUMN LEAVES"

How I Tried

To

Stop

Snoring

I wanted a quick fix, even if it meant strapping a glorified bike pump to my face

BY Jordan Foisy FROM THE WALRUS

illustrations by Hayden Maynard

Ithink of myself as a good sleeper. Give me a large book and a horizontal position, and I could fall asleep strapped to the top of a bullet train. Sleep has been a constant ally, a friend. When I was a teen, it was a refuge. I used to pray for sleep. Its temporary oblivion was a welcome respite from anxiety and obsessive thoughts. It was a pause—not a death, but close enough to it. Every time I fell asleep, there was a chance of resurrection, to wake up new.

My girlfriend, Allison, however, does not think I’m a good sleeper. She knows the truth. At night, I thrash around and scream. Occasionally, it sounds like my breathing stops. Worst of all for her, I snore. Badly. She’s shown me a video of it, and it’s horrifying: my thin, wheezing inhalations are interrupted by a wrenching tear of a noise, like someone ripping a carpet inside a cave.

We sometimes get into little fights when I wake up. She’s had a terrible sleep and is justifiably annoyed. She can’t stay mad for long, though, because who is she mad at? Certainly, it was my body, not me, that was snoring; my lungs moving the air, my soft tissues. Those are the guilty parties. When Allison is flipping my sleeping body over and plugging its nose, or occasionally

smothering my face with a pillow, who is she smothering? How unimportant is the self to our life when we are sleeping—something we spend a third of our life doing— that it can be completely absent?

I trIed treatIng my snorIng with the junk-drawer solution of buying every anti-snoring device I could: nose strips, mouth guards, nasal spray—anything that promised snoring absolution. Nothing worked. Every time, there would be a glimmer of hope, when we would try to convince ourselves my snoring wasn’t as bad. But, every time, it soon became clear that the only difference was the top of my mouth was now shredded from the cheap plastic of a so-called snore guard. Allison wanted me to see a doctor, but it’s hard to take snoring seriously

as a health problem. It seems more like a joke, like a problem that a sitcom dad would have after getting electrocuted by Christmas decorations. It seems less like a health issue and more like a personality defect.

According to Nick van den Berg, a PhD candidate in experimental psychology at the University of Ottawa and a member of the Canadian Sleep Society, “Snoring occurs as our muscles in the upper airway relax so much that they narrow the airway.” This is why snoring gets worse as we age, as our once taut and virile inner neck muscles become flabby and weak.

The real threat of bad snoring is that it could be a sign of obstructive sleep apnoea, when a blockage in your airway causes you to wake up constantly. The lack of sleep—for you or your partner—can be a serious health risk, as insufficient sleep has been linked to heart disease, type 2 diabetes and Alzheimer’s.

More than all of that, sleep is essential to your functioning as a human being. “Sleep is key to memory consolidation,” says van den Berg. When we sleep, our brain organises, processes and saves our memories. Not only that, he says, but sleep also enhances our memories. Van den Berg told me about studies in which the subjects are taught a basic skill before bed. When they wake up, they not only remember the skill but have actually improved upon it.

Sleep, then, is where we are forged. Every night, we throw our day-to-day experiences, memories and lessons into the kiln of sleep, let them bake for hopefully eight hours, and emerge a better, stronger, fuller version of ourselves in the morning.

MY HEALTHCARE SUBSISTED ON FAITH THAT A PROBLEM DOESN’T EXIST UNTIL YOU DEAL WITH IT

so my gIrlfrIend was rIght to insist I deal with the problem, but I was resistant. I’m in my mid-thirties and haven’t had a doctor since I was a kid. My healthcare subsisted on walk-in clinic visits and youthful hubris—a faith that things will work out and a belief that a problem doesn’t really exist until you deal with it. But what really scared me off was that going to a doctor about my snoring would force me to confront how I live and its repercussions, and that my body has limits.

It has been a tough year. A friend passed away suddenly and tragically. Then my grandmother followed. My chronic knee problem turned into a full-blown meniscus tear, dashing any hopes of a late-life bloom into a guy who is “surprisingly athletic.” My eyesight became distorted, and

a visit to the eye doctor revealed I had fluid under my retina, a condition called central serous chorioretinopathy. It’s caused by stress. Also, I started seeing a therapist again and within minutes, over Zoom, he told me I looked depressed.

It was a year of the space capsule of my youthful fantasy breaking up on contact with an atmosphere of reality and repercussions, all soundtracked by some of the worst snoring you’ve ever heard.

But there are other things to be

THE TECH WANTS TO KNOW WHAT POSITION I SLEEP IN. OVERALL I’D DESCRIBE IT AS MAXIMUM OBNOXIOUS

machine for the apnoea.

A CPAP machine is a device that shoots a steady flow of pressurised air into your nose and mouth. It involves a hose, a mask that covers either your nose or mouth or both, and a head harness, resulting in the wearer looking like a cosy fighter pilot, like Top Gun’s Maverick if the undisclosed enemy country were your dreams.

I entered the sleep clinic feeling nervous, excited and blisteringly sober. I had successfully adhered to the guidelines sent out by the clinic: no alcohol in the past 12 hours, no coffee in the last two, and no naps. Free from its usual coating of hangover, too-late coffee and postnap delirium, my mind was unadorned and hungry for answers.

afraid of besides ageing and so, fearing a breakup or an unexplained disappearance (mine), I tried what Allison had been asking me to do. I went to a doctor.

The doctor asked how much I drank a week. I gave him a number high enough that he should factor it into his diagnosis but low enough that I could say it without being embarrassed. He figured I had sleep apnoea and said I should drink less and lose weight. He referred me to a sleep study to confirm the diagnosis so I could get a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure)

Next, a technician came and asked me a couple of questions, the most provocative being: what position do you sleep in? I’m mostly a mix of side and stomach, with one leg pitched like I’m doing a hurdle. Overall, though, I would describe my sleeping position as maximum obnoxious. My limbs are splayed as far as they can reach, and I continually thrash and roll from side to side in erratic and irregular movements. Basically, I sleep like David Byrne dances.

I sat on my assigned bed, waiting for the sleep lab to begin its work. “Lab” was a misnomer. There were no beakers, or mad scientists, or stainlesssteel tanks with anonymous figures floating in green fluid. Just a generic

hospital room: infinite white walls; a thin, hard bed that made me feel like I was lying on an H&M clothing shelf; and a pillow that had all the comfort and support of a bag of napkins. Worst of all, something was dripping in the air conditioning unit, producing a sharp, arrhythmic, metallic smack.

At 10.45pm, the technician began sticking electrodes to my body for the electroencephalogram, or EEG.

Created in 1924, this test measures brain waves without any need for your head to be cut open. It is still the gold standard for sleep studies. The technician also placed sensors on my arms and legs to measure my movement, a sensor below my nose and a harness around my chest to measure my breathing.

I don’t know what it says about my self-esteem, but I found being a specimen thrilling. The thrill quickly passed as I proceeded to have the worst sleep of my life.

there are two types of sleep: NREM and REM. Both are required for memory consolidation. NREM, or non-rapid eye movement, sleep has three stages. Stage one is drifting off: those five to ten minutes of drowsiness where it is hard to tell if you are asleep or not. Once you are out, the second stage begins. It is marked by slower brain waves and short, fast bursts of brain activity called spindles. The third stage of NREM is slow-wave sleep. Your brain waves are now deep, long curves, similar at times to those seen

in people under anaesthesia. It’s in these last two stages of NREM sleep that the majority of restoration—in which the body repairs itself on a cellular level from the wear and tear of the day—happens.

Suddenly, the second act of sleep occurs: REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. The brain explodes with activity; it appears to be awake. This is when most dreaming occurs, especially the intense, emotional genre of dreams— the ones that are like “I’m on a date with a book report I didn’t finish.”

Beneath the eyelids your eyes dart around wildly, and your heart races.

It’s not entirely clear why this happens. Van den Berg’s favourite theory is that it is preparatory. “If NREM is recovery from the day before,

REM seems to be preparation for the day ahead.”

When you have a good night’s sleep, these different stages are a harmonious cycle. Of course, many things can disrupt this harmony: electric light, caffeine, a late night out or—as I found out—being covered in wires that precariously cling to your body with every toss and turn. Many thoughts can keep you up at night, and in the lab I discovered a new one: “I sure hope that when I turned over, I didn’t ruin this experiment being performed on me.”

Another pressure point in the delicate dance of the sleep stages is if there is an unceasing arrhythmic drip of an air conditioning unit the entire night.

I was woken up at 5.30am after two hours of gruel-thin snoozing. The wires were removed, and I strolled home in the dawn light, feeling like my sleepwake cycle and circadian rhythms were utterly and completely ruined.

After two months, the results of the study came in. There was no sleep apnoea. I have what the report called “mild primary snoring.” As far as the study could tell, there is no particular reason for it. Ageing, drinking too much, and rapidly deteriorating neck muscles are all it takes. The snoring was simply the sound of time catching up to me.

These were not the results I was looking for. I had been hoping for a condition, a disorder, something to point to whenever I indulged in a selfpity wallow. I had wanted a quick fix, even if that meant strapping a glorified bike pump to my face. Instead, what I got were consequences, which coalesce and compound and

reverberate, like a snore off the inner walls of your throat. There is no guarantee things will just work out: injuries worsen, tragedy happens, your girlfriend gets fed up with your snoring. When you don’t sleep, it takes days to recover.

My snoring has got worse since the study. Louder, more frequent. Thankfully, Allison and I have figured out a staggered sleep schedule that seems to work. Also, I’m exercising more, eating better and drinking less, because from this study, I learned that you are an accumulation of everything you did before. Things aren’t just going to get better on their own. You have to take care of yourself and others. When you ate, what you learned, how you slept: these things matter. The person you are today builds from the person you were the day before. n

Seasons Pass

Autumn colours are funny. They’re so bright and intense and beautiful. It’s like nature is trying to fill you up with colour, to saturate you so you can stockpile it before winter turns everything muted and dreary.

SIOBHAN VIVIAN

I cannot endure to waste anything so precious as autumnal sunshine by staying in the house.

NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE

© 2023, THE WALRUS. FROM “HOW I TRIED TO STOP SNORING, FIX MY SLEEP HABITS, AND CONFRONT MY MORTALITY,” BY JORDAN FOISY, FROM THE WALRUS (MARCH 15, 2023), THEWALRUS.CA

No Pain No Gain

The advice for living with arthritis is to keep active. But which sports should you choose?

Yoga

Susannah Hickling is twice winner of the Guild of Health Writers Best Consumer Magazine Health Feature

In a survey from health website patient.info, 64 per cent of healthcare professionals recommended yoga and Pilates for arthritis. Both are gentle, lowimpact exercises that strengthen the muscles. This in turn helps to support joints. A good yoga or Pilates teacher will adapt the movements to your condition.

Golf

Physical activity can ease the pain and stiffness of arthritis, but doing the exercise in the first place isn’t always that easy. One manageable low-impact sport is golf. Regular golfers stay active thanks to all the walking they do, but there are other advantages too. A survey by UK and Australian

academics found that 90 per cent of golf-playing respondents with osteoarthritis rated their health good, very good or excellent compared with 64 per cent of the general population with the condition. Golfers also reported better mental health, possibly due to the sociable nature of the game.

Walking

If a round of golf doesn’t grab you, normal walking brings the same health benefits, including a reduction in the risk of heart disease, diabetes and obesity. Brisk walking helps to keep joints flexible. Use walking poles if you need to—you might even want to try Nordic walking, which uses poles to propel you forwards and work your core muscles. But never force a painful joint.

Swimming

With this activity you are literally taking the weight off your feet. The water supports the weight of your body and reduces the strain on joints. It also provides resistance, which helps strengthen your muscles. And, like other sports, it’s good for your general health and wellbeing. A Korean review of existing research found aquatic exercise reduced pain and joint dysfunction more effectively and improved quality of life more than

land-based exercise. Breast stroke is best avoided, though, if you have arthritis in hips or knees. If swimming isn’t for you, there are plenty of other beneficial aquatic activities to choose from, including aqua aerobics classes or aqua walking, which you can do by yourself by simply walking round the pool.

Cycling

Get outside on your bike and you’ll see improvements to your mental health as well as physical benefits. But a stationary bike is just as good for fitness and for building up muscle around your knees, and you don’t have to worry about the weather or the traffic. A 2021 review of studies by Chinese and Australian researchers found that stationary biking reduced pain and had a positive effect on joint function in people with knee osteoarthritis. Aim to ride for 20 minutes three to five days a week.

Bowls and boules

I bet you didn’t realise the civilised, sedate game of bowls, or boules if you prefer the French variety, was good for you. Again, there’s minimal stress on joints, and you’ll be enhancing your mobility—and your social life— just by getting out onto a lawn or a pétanque pitch with friends. n

7 Ways To Improve Concentration

It’s often said our attention span is shorter than ever, and a survey from energy supplements brand ProPlus found that 41 per cent thought it was worse since the pandemic. But there are steps you can take to help you focus better

1. Minimise distraction Removing yourself from people and devices will allow you to concentrate better. Work in a different room if you can. If you find yourself sidetracked by digital devices, turn off notifications and train yourself to check them at set intervals. Set a timer.

2. Find the right sound Whether it’s music, white noise or even silence, you might find there’s a particular sound that helps you maintain your attention. This enhances alpha waves—brain waves that promote relaxation and are thought to play a role in cognition and, according to a small 2015 American study, make you more creative.

3. Move your body When you exercise, your heart rate increases, prompting your body to release a protein called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, or BDNF, which aids nerve cell growth. This is important for concentration, memory and learning.

4. Focus on the right foods You might get a boost from certain so-called “brain foods”. These include fish, nuts, blueberries and dark chocolate (in moderation, of course!). One of the best ways to keep your brain in trim is to eat a healthy diet.

5. Sleep well Who doesn’t suffer from brain fog after a bad night? Everyone needs different amounts of shut-eye but aiming for seven to nine hours is considered the ideal.

6. Structure your life Having a daily routine, including breaks, will minimise the brain fatigue that goes with having to make endless on-thehoof decisions and allow you to focus on the really important stuff.

7. Fix attention-sapping health issues Tackle hearing problems, which demand excessive and sometimes exhausting concentration, sleep apnoea or depression, and consider whether you might have ADHD. n

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Embracing Stoptober

Dr Max reflects on his long journey to quitting smoking and why you should do it too

Iloved cigarettes. I mean, really loved them. I loved buying the packet and picking the seal open on the side and opening the box for the first time. I loved the sound of my lighter and the crackling of the tobacco as I lit the cigarette, and the burn of the first breath as it went down into my lungs. I was, to put it simply, in love with cigarettes. Throughout my twenties I told myself that I would give up one day. One Day. That seemed reassuringly far away to prevent me panicking too much, but also definitive enough to fool myself into thinking I’d give up before it killed me. When I’m 30, I decided. But then 30 came and went and nothing happened. It was several more years before I realised that, if I didn’t make a concerted effort, I’d be smoking until I died.

I loved smoking, but I knew it was killing me.

Then, my gran and aunt died from lung cancer and this had brought on a new round of nagging from my mum about my smoking. Then there was the cough. At about this time, there was a government campaign saying that if you’d had a cough for a month, you should go to the GP to get it checked out as it might be cancer. I’d had my cough for five months. After a family party, my sister called me to say that she’d noticed I was coughing a lot and this seemed to have been going a long time and she was worried I had cancer.

I had a moment of horrifying clarity: even if this does turn out to be nothing, unless I decide to stop smoking, there is a high probability that at some point in my life I’ll have a cough or some other symptom and it will be cancer or a similar awful disease. Needless to say, I went to the GP and had a chest X-ray and it wasn’t cancer. But I began to think that I really did need to have a good, hard think about my smoking and what I was going to do about it. I needed to make sure that I definitely loved it enough that I wouldn’t mind dying for it. The more I thought about it, the more I questioned what it was I really loved about it. The fact was, I was an addict. I’d spent several years working in drug addiction clinics and I was making all the

kind of excuses that the alcohol and drug addicts I’d worked with over the years made— I could give up whenever I want, you had to die of something, I enjoy it, and so on.

I decided to quit. The first time I did it on a whim and after a few days when out for drinks with friends, I caved in and had one. The next day I bought a pack of 20 and that quit attempt was well and truly a failure. But I learned from this and decided the next attempt would be better planned. I investigated different options online, spoke to my GP and met with a smoking cessation nurse at my local surgery who used some CBT techniques to change my thinking about smoking.

I HAD TO MAKE SURE THAT I LOVED SMOKING ENOUGH THAT I WOULDN’T MIND DYING FOR IT

campaign. I know from personal experience how tough quitting can be, but I also know how it can change your life. If you’re a smoker, then I’d encourage you to try Stoptober. The good news is that research shows that if you quit for 28 days, you’re five times more likely to quit for good.

With all the support around me, I felt so confident about my ability to quit I actually looked forward to the date I’d set to stop. That was nearly ten years ago and I haven’t looked back. Of course, in the early days it wasn’t always plain sailing. There were times when I was tempted and times when I nearly slipped up. But I was prepared for this and didn’t let it throw me off. Stopping smoking was one of the best things I’ve ever done. This October is Stoptober, the NHS and Department of Health and Social Care’s annual “stop smoking”

You can get support for every day of Stoptober to get you through those 28 days. There’s a Stoptober website and Facebook page, Facebook online communities, a quit smoking app and an online Personal Quit Plan tool that helps people find a combination of support that’s right for them, as well as information on how vaping can help you quit smoking. If you’ve missed the start of Stoptober, then there are still lots of resources available on the NHS website. It’s also really helpful to realise that you aren’t alone—thousands of people are quitting with you, which will further boost your confidence in your ability to quit. If I can quit smoking then anyone can. Give it a go. n

Max is a hospital doctor, author and columnist. He currently works full-time in mental health for the NHS. His new book, The Marvellous Adventure of Being Human, is out now

The Doctor Is In

Dr Max Pemberton

Q: I recently lost a lot of weight, started eating more healthily and exercising regularly for the first time in decades. I feel amazing, but my BMI still says I’m “overweight”. Do I actually need to lose more weight to be considered “healthy”?

A: Firstly, well done for managing to lose weight. That’s fantastic news and will benefit your health in the long term. It’s not easy losing weight. While we like to say people simply have to eat less and move more, in practice that’s far easier said than done.

For most of human evolution, the biggest struggle we faced was getting enough food. Famines were common fears that we have evolved to be prepared for and so eat as much as we can when it’s available. Yet for the first time in human history, we (at least, those of us in developed countries) have abundant food that is rich in calories and little real risk of famine. Our minds and bodies haven’t evolved quickly enough to deal with this, meaning it’s far too easy for us to eat more than we really need. Add this to the fact we lead increasingly sedentary lifestyles, and it’s no

surprise so many of us are overweight. Many people use food for psychological reasons too—to soothe, as a reward or to cope with boredom, anxiety or low mood. So losing weight is no mean feat.

Despite your efforts though, your BMI still puts you in the “overweight” category. BMI is a measure of weight taking into account your height. It’s not always helpful—a rugby player, for example, might technically have a high BMI but this doesn’t take into account that their weight is mostly muscle. These are fairly rare exceptions though. For most people, their BMI is a good indicator of if they are a healthy weight or not. We know that people whose BMI is higher than healthy weight are at increased risk of a number of illnesses and conditions, from heart attacks, arthritis and strokes to dementia and cancer. Don’t be disheartened though—instead, keep going and aim to get to within the healthy range. You’ve done incredibly well so far. Keep up the good work. n

Got a health question for our resident doctor?

Email it confidentially to askdrmax@readersdigest.co.uk

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Are Best Girlfriends The New Aspirational Relationship?

Or another stick to beat us with?

Monica Karpinski is a writer and editor focused on women’s health, sex, and relationships. She is the founder of women’s health media platform

The Femedic

In many ways, my close friendships with women are what you’d expect from TV shows like Sex and the City or The Golden Girls: emotionally intimate and involved, fierce and sassy.

What these shows get right about female friendship is that our bonds run deep and strong. But they also tend to idealise these relationships. We see friends whose lives are so tightly entwined that they materialise at each other’s doors whenever needed; a ride-or-die girl group who are at your side for life.

Here, close girlfriends are filling the role we’d traditionally expect of a spouse. And with marriage in decline, it feels like more of us are turning to female friendship as the new allsustaining, aspirational relationship.

Ever seen a group of girlfriends giggling over lunch and felt a pang of jealousy? This phenomenon is called friendship envy, and it’s pretty common among women. It can manifest as idealising others’ relationships or thinking that the ones you have aren’t good enough, because they don’t resemble those picture-perfect pals we see on TV.

“We feel friendship envy because so much of our confidence is gained from us knowing who we ‘belong’ to,” psychologist Lilly Sabir told Glamour last year. If we don’t have access to the sisterhood we think we’re supposed to as women, we can feel rejected and lonely.

THE BONDS BETWEEN WOMEN ARE SPECIAL. WE SHARE A

UNIQUE SOLIDARITY

And just like that, having best female friends becomes another standard to hold ourselves to; another stick to beat ourselves with. These relationships are held out as a status symbol for what a good life looks like, in exactly the same way society has done for marriage.

Just head to social app Instagram, where millions of posts using hashtags like #GirlSquad and #BFFgoals show glamorous groups of women having an enviably good time, to see what I mean.

Turns out, this isn’t great for us or our friends. It puts too much pressure on our friendships, creating unrealistic expectations for how we hope they’ll fulfil us—and when they don’t, we feel less than. Is it really fair to expect your pals to be perpetually available when you need them?

Plus, whether from a partner or best friend, as long as we seek validation from others more so than from within, we take away our own power to accept and love ourselves as we are.

The pursuit of idealised friendship also distracts us from the real prize: enjoying relationships. It’s true that the bonds between women are special. We share a unique solidarity and understanding of what it’s like to live in a man’s world, and the ways we show up for each other can truly be beautiful.

Only there’s no fixed way for these relationships to look. You might have a girl squad who meet for lunch once a week, or you might have a few close friends who aren’t part of the same group. Maybe you don’t see yourself in either of those scenarios, but love your friends all the same. All of this is fine—it’s the quality of your connections that counts.

One 2015 study found that being satisfied with friendships was a better predictor of overall life satisfaction than the number of friends someone had. Here, a “quality” friend is someone who provides emotional and practical support, like helping you move house.

Healthy friendships are about trust and being able to be vulnerable with each other, not checking a box to prove you’re living life the right way. There’s nothing quite like having friends who really understand you, so let’s enjoy our mates without overthinking it, shall we? n

Relationship Advice

Monica Karpinski

Q: I’m fairly sure that my long-term partner is cheating on me—I’ve seen some incriminating text messages and caught her out in a lie once about where she was. But I haven’t confronted her directly about it yet. I’m hurt and furious but not sure I want to break up. What should I do, how should I approach this?

A: Firstly, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Learning that your partner has betrayed your trust is very painful, but it’s good to hear that you’re wanting to reflect on how you feel before making any rash decisions. I would actually suggest speaking to her to help you decide what you want to do. If the relationship is to be saved, she needs to be open with you about what she’s done and why she’s done it—and you need to be willing to listen and forgive. Having the discussion can help you gauge whether that’s possible.

When you confront her, lay out the facts of what you know and share how this has made you feel. Then, give her the space to explain herself. As best you can, try not to get too accusatory or defensive, as this might cause her to shut down or even lie.

What’s most important is that she shares her reasons for straying. Infidelity is very hurtful but it’s also nuanced, and what she says may surprise you. As leading relationship therapist Esther Perel notes, cheating is sometimes a way for people to connect with another version of themselves. Of course, people also cheat because they’re unhappy: with themselves, with their partners, with their lives. As hard as it is, hear her out.

If you want to stay together, you’ll need to be willing to work through these issues and ultimately, forgive her. You might see it as a chance to bring all your pent-up feelings and needs out into the open, so that you can figure out what needs fixing between you and start afresh.

Only you can say whether you’re prepared to do that after what’s happened. And if you aren’t, that’s totally fine—it’s not always possible to fix things and you aren’t obliged to do so. Sometimes, the healthiest thing is to walk away. n

Got a question for our resident sex and relationships expert? Email it confidentially to thelovedoctor@readersdigest.co.uk

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Beyond Survival

THE LASTING IMPACT ON YOUNG CANCER SURVIVORS

by Ellie Philpotts

Recently, the way the public and medics view the long-term effects of illness has shifted.

COVID-19 was largely responsible, with Long Covid causing a cocktail of late effects demanding attention. Soon after people adapted to the concept of the novel virus itself, they were forced into some semblance of understanding the whole-body impact long after its initial peak.

But for young cancer survivors, long-term effects are nothing new. After all, they present themselves in numerous ways throughout the years.

I was made to realise this at 15, diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's one of the commonest cancers in young people but it's not much consolation when you’re the only person you know with it. It comes with loneliness, and this sense of otherness doesn’t necessarily end, even in the survivorship club.

At the time, the diagnosis meant an immediate enrolment onto chemotherapy and steroids. I stayed there for six months while juggling GCSEs and planning for milestones like prom, and broader experiences like pondering where I might take my future.

Fortunately, I reached remission, and have kept sight of this in the 12 years since. Sadly, the privilege of survival isn’t afforded to everyone, despite improvements making diagnostic tools work sooner, and treatments kinder to growing bodies.

My current lifestyle was once a distant dream—graduating university, becoming a journalist, enjoying my twenties. But I’m still conscious of the divide between how society expects you to feel post-treatment, and what the actual reality is.

Diagnosis in the young adult bracket I share with 2,000 others each year in the UK poses unique challenges. Cancer is a largely adult group of diseases, and at this age, you’re already balancing on the tentative tightrope between childhood and adulthood before another force jolts it. This didn’t knock me off my feet entirely—but it did alter my sense of identity.

The force came from within me, so there was no one else to aim clichéd teenage blame towards. Instead, you have to summon some acceptance, alongside your multitude of medicines. Not the easiest when you’re too young to have experienced the lessons that usually teach this.

When treatment’s unwelcome effects arrive, straightaway or decades on, you also

Ellie Philpotts

I JUGGLED CHEMOTHERAPY, STEROIDS, GCSES AND PLANNING FOR PROM

have to accept that they had to happen ultimately so you could survive. But it can be frustrating that young survivors are expected to shoulder this burden. We’re not ungrateful for overcoming cancer, and often use our experiences to help others—but this is just another way it continues to manifest in our lives.

Some survivors feel that even long into "recovery", it’s easy for cancer to make a comeback. That can be an actual relapse, or figurative, with worries creeping up. Last year, I developed symptoms reminiscent of lymphoma, and my mind taunted me with the idea of a reoccurrence. Fortunately, it was glandular fever— ironically a common teenage condition sometimes mistaken for lymphoma. While a tough summer ensued, I was relieved it wasn’t worse.

Cancer makes you healthconscious—awareness of what’s normal for you isn’t negative, but it can come with anxieties that complicate things further. Survivor's guilt is one—and, like much of the experience, is multi-faceted. You appreciate your second shot at life,

but wonder what made your body respond when so many others’ didn’t. Then come relationships, friendships, fertility and moving on—each with common stressors that adopt new meanings alongside serious illness.

As A young womAn in her twenties and a survivor of lymphoma for over five years, my fellow cancer survivors and I have encountered shared experiences. While each person's perspective on illness, ranging from diagnosis to treatment and emotional dimensions, may differ, we concur that the reach of cancer's effects extends well beyond its physical manifestations—from the initial symptoms to the visible side effects of treatment. The reality of psychological trauma persists long after treatment concludes. Yet, society, including some medical professionals, often assumes that a complete restoration is the norm.

We’ve also tried to mould our past into a platform to benefit others. Our experiences inspired our decisions around work and education.

Without being pushed into medical settings, I doubt I would have specialised in health journalism, nor avidly volunteered with charities. Jessica cites how her illness led her towards helping young people with their mental health, while Helen’s Psychosocial Community Work degree brings an academic angle to teenage cancer.

Jessica Beedle, 26, West Midlands

B eing diagnosed with lymphoma at the cusp of becoming a teenager was confusing and alienating. In hindsight, I’m grateful my treatment was relatively low-intensity, my inpatient hospital stays short and my absences from school limited. However, at the time, life going forward seemed a scary, exhausting prospect. I nostalgically longed for my life before cancer, rather than considering whatever waited for me in a life after cancer. Though extremely thankful when I entered remission, I assumed my life would continue to be marred

physical and psychological health, low self-esteem

A lymphoma diagnosis led to low self-esteem for a young Jessica

Sailing trips with fellow young cancer patients gave Jess a boost

As I emerged into adolescence, a time when I should have been pushing boundaries and becoming increasingly independent, I felt terrified about moving forward, assuming my newfound freedom would be snatched from me through another relapse.

Luckily, 13 years on, I’ve remained in remission. I’ve lived in many places, in the UK and abroad during university, and settled into a job in the NHS supporting children in schools with their mental health. I’ve turned the trauma of my early experiences into motivation to support young people displaying early signs of mental ill-health, in the hope this will provide more children with the tools to manage their own wellbeing as they grow into adulthood.

My own experiences spurred me to pursue this career. The treatment

I received for my physical health during my cancer journey had luckily been timely and effective, whereas support for my mental health, both during my treatment and after, was fragmented. I think the paediatric oncology community and society generally still have progress to make when supporting children who have experienced health-related trauma, especially in terms of mental health provision.

However, there have been incredible third-sector organisations, such as the Ellen MacArthur Cancer Trust, who provided me with the opportunity to connect with other young people with cancer through sailing trips. These boosted my selfconfidence after treatment, and I now volunteer for them to provide this therapeutic experience to other children in my position.

Helen

Haar, 27, London

At 20, my world was turned upside-down. After months of feeling unwell, I was shocked to be diagnosed with cancer in March, 2016. The doctors at the time couldn’t tell me anything more specific until other tests were done. I remember the room spinning and feeling numb. It wasn’t until I arrived at hospital in London that I realised the

After a few days and those dreaded scans, I received a diagnosis of primary mediastinal B-cell lymphoma, a rare subtype of nonHodgkin's lymphoma. My treatment started straightaway as the cancer was aggressive. The Teenage Cancer Trust walls became my source of stability every fortnight while I was having seven hours’ worth of chemotherapy. After this, a PET scan showed cancer remaining. Consolidation radiotherapy followed, putting me in remission in December, 2016.

That’s when the bubble burst. I was now expected to continue with my life, get back on track and forget what I’d just been through. It was the subject no-one wanted to, or could, bring up. The hospital became my safe space, and I relied a lot on my team. When that was pulled from me, I panicked.

Now 27, I look back with mixed emotions. I’m still angry and ask, "Why me?". However, my perspective on life and the world has matured. I wear my label as a cancer survivor with pride. It’s made my passion to help others stronger. I don’t want to forget my story and I didn’t want to go back to my "old life". Sharing my story is what drives me—if it makes the slightest difference, it was worth it. The comment "You’re too young to be ill" isn’t a compliment. It invalidates the experience and shows a remaining stigma around being a young person with a chronic illness.

For Helen, recovery from cancer doesn't end with remission, but has more long-reaching impacts

Ultimately, how much time has passed since treatment might matter when oncologists are deciding if we’re medically cured. It might also matter to us individually as well as to those around us—but it doesn't mean we can’t still carry the long-term impact of cancer survivorship with us. So, whether 12 months or years have elapsed, and whether your hair has reached shoulder-length or you never lost it at all, you shouldn’t be presumed to feel fully recovered. But as the years go by, with more cancer charities reaching those in need, and treatments and later care developing, I'm confident that society will do more to aid these lingering emotions. Although teenage cancer is uncommon, its research output, medical knowledge of late effects and emotional care shouldn’t be too.

GLOW UP WITH

Being the best version of you is easy when you know how. Because getting older means you’re not just wiser, but that you have the freedom to rediscover your unique style and character for this exciting phase of life - the power decades ahead!

If you’re looking for some positive pep, Goldster is the place to be. This trail-blazing start-up social network for healthy aging will help you celebrate your beauty and explore and discover your innate strength and vitality. With live classes (and video on-demand) devised by industry-leading experts using tried-and-tested techniques, Goldster is where heath-tech and age-tech meet, with great advice and information to help you embrace the next life phase with a smile.

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2:00pm: Warm welcome with Goldster Presenter Lee Pycroft

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An afternoon of illuminating insights and conversations around embracing skin radiance and style in a whole new light. Join the Goldster Experts as they inspire and empower you on your journey to shine.

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Event schedule

2:00pm: Warm welcome with Goldster Presenter Lee Pycroft

2:15pm - 2:45pm: The Science of Skincare - delve into the depths of dermatology

2:45pm - 3:15pm: Makeup for Radiance and Enhancement: Sculpt & Glow – tips to help you shine

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Three Mile Beach

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Designed with families, groups of friends and four-legged friends in mind, each of the beach houses provide laid-back luxury and open-plan living spaces, log burners, and private terraces with sunken cedar hot tubs and barrel saunas.

Kitchens are equipped to ensure feasting at home is a breeze, but those who don’t feel like cooking can book talented private chefs, hire Ooni pizza ovens, dine onsite at outdoor restaurant Chomp or explore the many local restaurants.

At Three Mile Beach, a host of fun-filled activities await including a Wim Hof Method workshop, surfing, coasteering, paddleboarding, yoga, and foraging.

Question: How many beach houses does Three Mile Beach have?

A. 5 B. 15 C. 150

Simply put your chosen answer A, B or C on the entry form online or on page 151.

My Britain:

North Pennines

BY Alice Gawthrop

One of the most unspoilt areas in England, it’s not hard to see why the North Pennines is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, and the inspiration for some 40 poems by the great English poet, W H Auden.

Boasting a landscape of open heather moors, tumbling dales and meandering rivers, the North Pennines are home to flora and fauna rarely, if ever, found elsewhere in Britain. Millions of years of geological processes in the area have created a unique and impressive environment, recognised in 2003 as Britain’s first European Geopark. Amid the hills and moors is one of England’s biggest waterfalls, High Force. Its powerful name is a souvenir left by Viking invaders centuries ago, coming from the Old Norse word “foss” for waterfall.

Meanwhile, a breathtaking trail through the valleys, forests and fells charts the North East’s religious history. Beginning at the site of a battle victory for Oswald of Northumbria that led to the Christianisation of the region and ending at the imposing Durham Cathedral, the Way of Light tells the story of the dawn of Christianity, illustrated by abbeys, seminaries and chapels.

Alongside these natural and religious wonders, the North Pennines have a rich industrial history due to the prevalence of lead mining since medieval times. This history is best explored at Killhope Lead Mining Museum and Ashes Quarry.

At night, the North Pennines are just as beautiful. Away from the hustle, bustle and light pollution of big cities, the North Pennines have some of the darkest skies in the country. Wrap up warm and set up camp on a clear night, and you’ll be rewarded with the sight of thousands of stars blinking down at you. Maybe you’ll be inspired to write a poem or two of your own. ➺

Liz Bousfield is a horticulturist at Eggleston Hall Gardens, a plantsman’s paradise in the North Pennines egglestonhallgardens.co.uk

I have lIved in the North Pennines for 16 years. I’m originally from York—I came to the area to work at a stables in the summer holidays and never left. I heard of a job at Eggleston Hall Gardens, knowing nothing about plants, went for it and have been here for 13 years now.

The North Pennines are a beautiful place to live. Everywhere you go has a beautiful backdrop, especially when you come from flat York! The people are down-to-earth, friendly and tough. The winters are long and hard work, but when the snowdrops first pop up you know spring is around the corner.

Eggleston Hall Gardens is like a little garden of Eden nestled among the hills. This time of year the walls are laden with apples, pears and plums. There are really unusual plants around every corner, too.

The old chapel area is carpeted with snowdrops in spring. Summer is beautiful with the garden’s big walls creating a warm microclimate. In autumn, everything is blazed with vibrant colour. It really is a special place to work.

I love propagation, creating new plants and watching things flourish. I enjoy talking to the customers, sharing advice and various growing tips for plants.

My favourite place in the North Pennines has to be the gardens. It is a sheltered little paradise, but you can always see the wild beautiful hills just beyond.

Helen Ratcliffe is a co-director at Allenheads Contemporary Arts, an artist-led organisation that delivers innovative contemporary arts projects and offers unique accommodation options in the Old School House and the Observatory glamping cabin—perfect for aspiring star-gazers! acart.org.uk

I am a co-director of Allenheads Contemporary Arts, along with my partner Alan Smith. We are both from Swansea in South Wales and after spending a few years studying, living and working in Massachusetts and New York City in the US during the 1980s, we returned home looking for a new adventure.

In 1993 we chanced upon the Victorian Old School House overlooking the North Pennines fells and village of Allenheads. It was the perfect place, we thought, to live our next chapter. We were excited to continue our work in the contemporary arts in a totally new environment. Thirty years later and we are still here, with two adult children, a dog and a vast network of artists who have worked in residence over the years, inspired by this extraordinary place, its people and its heritage.

We love the open, expansive landscape, the extreme weather, the wildlife and the dark skies. From our

observatory we can wonder at the spectacular views of the Milky Way, nearby planets and even other galaxies. It's quite awe-inspiring and humbling at the same time.

We are not interested in the notion of a romantic, rural idyll, but rather see our home as a vibrant intersection between rural and urban, local and global. It all happens here in the microcosm of the North Pennines. Nothing is isolated or remote. This tiny village, the highest in England, at the centre point of the British Isles, is a crossroads of influences, always in flux with a constant flow of residents, artists and visitors, which makes this unique place so fascinating.

There are many magnificent sights around Allenheads and the North Pennines; the powerful waterfalls, expansive heather moorlands and the vastness of the cosmos on a clear night, to name just a few. For me, however, I am grateful that every day, I can soak up the magnificent, panoramic view from my front garden. It’s a great way to start the day.

Sami Nash runs the Hemmel Cafe and Crafty Farm Shop, a cosy cafe serving fresh, homemade food nansbakery.co/the-hemmel-cafe

We moved from Newcastle upon Tyne to the North Pennines when I was 15 years old. It was very much a culture shock, moving from the hustle and bustle of city life to a world of quiet, with our nearest neighbour 500 yards away. Our first winter we had ten-foot snowdrifts—not going anywhere was a total shock to the system!

Forty years down the line, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. We live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world with scenery that changes every day. There is a strong community spirit here to look out for people and help them when they're in need. The people here are very hard-working.

I took over the Hemmel Cafe and Crafty Farm Shop two years ago. We are a little family of eight staff. We all live out in Allenheads, a small village steeped in lead mining history, so we travel in every day.

No two days are the same, but we get a lot of cyclists on the C2C, as well as walkers, motorbikes, and in winter we even get skiers from all over the country who use Allenheads Ski Slopes. All our food is homemade fresh every day, and we have built up a reputation for the best cheesecakes!

Grandfluence: The

Under

Baddiewinkle

The first in our new series of interviews with older social media influencers, Ian Chaddock talks to fun-loving US icon "Baddiewinkle", who has over 3 million Instagram followers online

“Age is just A number,” goes the saying. But older influencers are proving that you can have fun, spread positivity and inspire people, whatever your age. In this new series of interviews, we will talk to senior internet personalities still living life to the full, while fighting ageism.

Kentucky-born Helen Vanwinkle— better known as “Baddiewinkle” online—is a colourful, fun and upbeat fashionista who's not afraid to speak her mind. She’s also in her midnineties. She became famous in 2016 for her uplifting message and her

memorable motto—“Stealing your man since 1928”! Currently working on a range of colourful canes with her great-granddaughter Kennedy, Baddiewinkle is a hero to millions.

Can you tell us a little about your life before becoming an influencer? I worked for 28 years at a factory. I enjoyed my work. I retired at 62 and the big boss came and gave me a big kiss on the lips! He was a great kisser. We had lunch and had a great time at my retirement party.

How did you become a social media influencer at age 85? My greatgranddaughter, Kennedy, convinced me to take a picture for the internet. She would come home from high school and say, "Guess how many followers you have?" It just evolved from there and went viral.

What are your reflections on how fashion and styles have come and gone over the years? What were some of your favourite looks from the decades? They’ve kind of gone back. The short dresses and things like that—the fashion is not really that different from this day and age to my day and age…it’s about the same.

How was working on campaigns for brands like Smirnoff and Sally Beauty and meeting celebrities like Miley Cyrus and Fergie? I spent time with Miley and she’s a great girl. With Fergie, I really loved it. We had a really good time. They’re both great girls. The ad campaigns I’ve worked on have done well and I love to do them. Everybody has been so nice.

Do you see yourself as an example to other older people to live their life loudly, proudly and unapologetically? Yes. Older people are kind of overlooked. I think I started a trend that an older person could have as much fun as a 20-yearold and look as good as a 20-year-old! I think that older people should try and follow my example.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve experienced at a live event? Oh gosh! They’re always funny. Before an awards show I ate a cookie…with marijuana in it. I didn’t know anything about marijuana at the time. I’d never had any. I swear I could hardly walk! It was so funny.

What do you think of the beauty industry? Does it contributes to ageism? It does. I think that more older people are using make up, which is good, where they didn’t in the past. I think I had a lot to do with that as well. Older people now are getting on the internet more, doing more and having more fun, I think.

Do you think the internet and social media have improved our lives? Yes, I think it’s improved our lives a lot. The internet is the thing, or I think it is anyway. Oh my gosh, I have seen so much in my lifetime. Everything has improved, from the time I remember until now. And everything just keeps improving every year.

Do you have a message for our older readers, especially those who might have a fear of new technology and changes? Yes, I do. If you want to get on the internet and you don’t know how, get somebody to show you how. It’s very easy anyway, so the older people can pick it up right away, if they get someone who knows about it to show them how. n

Toyah Willcox is a singer, actor and TV presenter with a career spanning 40 years and eight top 40 singles. Toyah and Robert Fripp tour the UK together in October

Young people would have repercussion predictors

If you make a move in anger, revenge or envy, you need to know the consequences of your actions. I think AI would help young people so much—if they could just have a level of repercussion prediction, they might

The World If I Ruled

Toyah

Willcox

think twice rather than taint their entire life with a bad action. Within social media, a repercussion predictor would be really useful.

Work-life balance would be a law The majority of us forget to put life balance first. We are very lucky in the UK that we have two days off a week. I often work in America and I’m so shocked at how hard Americans are expected to work. Life isn’t all about work, email, bureaucracy and accounting. In my working world, I would insist that were two days a week where there is no communication with work.

3D printers used for recycling

I read a lot of sci-fi and I’ve just read this in a book called Planetfall by Emma Newman. It’s about colonising

on a planet that took 73 years to reach. Every house has a 3D printer which directly recycles patterns that you get off the internet for your pots and pans, cutlery and clothes. It’s recycling within the home for plastics, metals and paper, which stops the contamination of recycling moving from country to country. 3D printers are very expensive at the moment but I think it’s the way for stopping the mass destruction caused by waste.

Good food would be distributed in an honest and humane way

There is no shame in food distribution and food banks. If you need food, your body needs food. It’s as simple as that. Good food lasts five days and on the shelves in many shops, it’s only allowed one day. I would like to know that I could gift the overflow of vegetables that I’m growing in my garden to a food bank or an honesty table outside my house knowing that people who need it would take it. It’s just asking people not to behave greedily, and to take what they need. I’ve seen this in a very small Alaskan township where you have, outside a supermarket, a bank of refrigerators for people to donate to. Other people can just go and take what they need. It works.

No child will go without a bed I was so shocked when I learned the amount of children who don’t have a bed. I think it should be law that every

child born has a designated sleeping area. There’s a fantastic charity in Leeds called Zarach, run by a charismatic young woman, that simply collects beds and delivers them to families. We need more of these people in the world!

If you want to eat meat you have to raise and respectfully take the life of the animal

I am very passionate that animals have souls, and most religions say that they don’t. Animals experience empathy, joy and pain. We do not have a right to kill them en masse. I have never met an animal that does not have empathy. As you get older I think it’s a lot better for you to have a predominantly vegetarian diet.

There will be a National Concert Day I used to live in Menton in France and they had a concert day. Every school would take their orchestra out into the square to play. It was a very beautiful spectacle. I’ve seen it in Israel as well, with live musicians and dancing in the square. A National Concert Day would be where everyone who can play an instrument could go outside their house and play. It’s as simple as that. n

AS TOLD TO IAN CHADDOCK

Toyah Willcox tours the UK in October (toyahwillcox.com). Her Toyah Live At Drury Lane album is out now

100

Competition

Enter our iconic 100-word-story competition with prizes of up to £1,000 to be won

Our 100-word-story competition is your chance to show the world your story-telling talents

There are three categories—one for adults and two for schools: one for children aged 12–18 and one for children under 12. Your stories should be original, unpublished and exactly 100 words—not a single word shorter or longer! Entries are now open. The editorial team will pick a shortlist of three in each category and post them online on February 1, 2024. You can vote for your favourite, and the one with the most votes will scoop the top prize. Voting will close on February 29, 2024 and winners will be published in our May 2024 issue. Visit readersdigest.co.uk/100-word-story-competition to enter.

WHAT SHE WOULD RATHER TELL A STRANGER

by Rachel O’Cleary, Tipperary

My mother’s bare foot rests in my lap, softer than expected, toenails thick. My knuckles complain as I squeeze the clippers. “Call me Lily,” she says, and I think, what else? I paint her toenails “Big Apple Red” while she talks about her estranged daughter, gone to the city years ago. “That girl was always an odd one,” she says. “I’ll bet she leaves me here to rot.” I stare at the deep furrows between her eyebrows. See myself: hard-pedalling, smoke unspooling, highway breeze through messy hair, whisky-burnt, split by childbirth, circling home. I hold my breath, and wait.

PREVIOUS ADULT 100-WORD-STORY COMPETITION WINNER

illustrations by Daniel Mitchell

NO PRIVILEGE

by Ameerah Kola-Olukotun, 17

“But I’ve got no privilege,” she protests. I stare at her shoes, bought by grandparents leeching off colonial fortunes. Her hair lies flat and presentable; my curls violate policy in any style. Her canvas-coloured skin will never raise questions. Mine is a brown cage that closes every door. But I hold my tongue. The others explain, but her whiteness turns to cotton and lodges itself in her ears. Her parents just worked harder. She’s just studious. “Blame me if you want.” She doesn’t see the landmines lurking in our paths. And if she did, she’d think she had them, too.

IM-PEN-DING DOOM

by Evelyn Walters, 11

My cap was pulled off today. I was indignant and embarrassed, more than I can say! Yet again I was gripped tightly around the middle and forced to do the mum’s tedious receipts. My murky blood seeps from my single vein onto the paper. I know I am dying. I can feel my impending death oozing out with my last reserves of liquid. I see, ironically, pens are listed on this stationery receipt. Imagine their hopeful faces! Vitally, I would warn them, “Life as a pen, though long, is full of monotonous and painful tasks. Just don’t run out of……………

RULES

Rules: Please ensure that submissions are original, not previously published and exactly 100 words long (not including title). Don’t forget to include your full name, address, email and phone number when filling in the form. We may use entries in all print and electronic media.

Terms and conditions:

There are three categories—one for adults and two categories for schools: one for children aged 12–18 and one for children under 12.

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OF SOUND THE

SILENCE

HOW SIMPLY SHUTTING UP FOR THREE MONTHS AND WALKING WELL OVER 600 MILES TRANSFORMED MY LIFE

BY D G Marshall FROM TORONTO LIFE

as long as i can remember, my mouth has been getting me into trouble. Growing up, I would say anything to get a laugh, no matter how crude or cutting. I used the gift of the gab to get what I wanted from my parents (money, a later curfew) and to get out of what I didn’t want (chores, groundings). I was asked to leave four different schools, mostly because I talked too much, and every one of my report cards said some variation of the same thing: I’d do much better if I would just shut up.

My mouth may have served me terribly as a student, but it set me up perfectly for a career in radio. In 2003, I launched a talk show on an AM station in the Toronto area. I would ask people about their religious beliefs and the role faith played in their lives. In my 16 years hosting the show, I interviewed rabbis, nuns, witches, Wiccans and Satanist high priests, and had celebrities, politicians, religious leaders and spiritual gurus share the “why” behind their beliefs.

I think the show succeeded because it engaged people who don’t usually listen to religious radio—people like me. After growing up in a churchgoing household and eventually becoming a pastor, I slowly began to reject organised religion. Still, I was fascinated by others’ beliefs.

Consumed by the need to understand the unknown, I travelled the world in search of answers.

I prayed among ancient petroglyphs in Australia, slept at Stonehenge in England and wept at the Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem. I thought I’d find some divine truth if I visited all the sacred sites and interviewed every spiritual leader.

But the only truth I discovered was this: I was a selfish, egotistical, judgemental jerk. It hit me when I was close to turning 50 and almost every significant relationship in my life was in tatters. My wife of 28 years wanted a divorce. My kids weren’t my biggest fans, and when I asked my daughter what I was doing wrong, she told me she didn’t have enough time to explain it all.

I knew this much: the hunt for transcendence made me unbearable. I prioritised my radio-show guests, with whom I might spend an hour, over the people who meant the most to me. I was constantly tearing into

anyone whom I perceived as less enlightened than I was. Profanity and sarcasm were my default modes of communication. I drank too much and listened too little. I was miserable, as was everyone caught in my caustic orbit.

My school report cards had been right—I’d do a lot better if I would just shut up. If my mouth was the root cause of my problems, maybe it was time to stop talking altogether.

Years earlier, I’d watched a movie called The Way, starring Martin Sheen. It followed the main character’s journey along the Camino de Santiago, a series of 1,200-year-old trails that converge on the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela, in northwestern Spain, where the

remains of Saint James the Apostle are said to be buried.

So in 2016 I decided to take a threemonth sabbatical from the radio show and walk the over 600-mile route without saying a single word. My plan was to finish the trek on my 50th birthday as a changed man.

WHEN

I ARRIVED AT THE START of the Camino in early October 2016, I was already worried that my quest was doomed. I was terrified that I’d accidentally speak, that my bad knees would prevent me from finishing the route, that even if I made it the whole way, I’d return home still a schmuck. Nonetheless, hungover from the night before, I walked out of the charming French town of Saint-Jean-

D G Marshall in a moment of quiet contemplation

Marshall takes a break during his silent pilgrimage on Spain’s Camino

Pied-de-Port and began my twomonth journey.

The first stretch of trail was a steep incline into the Pyrenees, and my body hated every step. I quickly realised that my hiking boots were too narrow for my feet. My 13-kilogram backpack felt heavier with every stride. My knees started to creak, and sweat permeated my clothing.

One hour in, I wanted to give up. I don’t know whether it was my ego or the goal of becoming a better person that propelled me forward. Either way, I kept walking.

Around the seven-and-a-half mile mark, I trudged into the first albergue, one of hundreds of hostels along the Camino. The rustic abode, equipped

with bunk beds and a rudimentary kitchen, was crawling with hikers speaking a potpourri of languages. It was there that I began to understand that the physical challenge, excruciating as it was, would be far easier than the vow of silence.

When the hostel staff or fellow travellers spoke to me, I pointed to my mouth, mimed the act of talking with my hand and then slid my index finger across my neck. I could usually get what I wanted using improvised hand signals (to ask for milk in my coffee, for instance, I pretended to milk a cow). If that didn’t get the point across, I’d show people a note on my iPhone: “Please forgive me for not talking. I’m travelling for three months in a vow of silence. You can still talk to me :).”

And people did. Along the Camino, I was joined by pilgrims from Switzerland, Holland, Israel and Ireland. Some walked with me in silence; others shared their life stories. A gay man from Ireland told me about the rejection he’d experienced from his family. A woman shared her struggle to go on after the death of her child. I yearned to ask questions, to offer advice or condolences. But all I could do was awkwardly type out a few questions on my phone.

Yet I couldn’t keep my judgemental side entirely in check. One morning, about a month into my trip, I woke up around 5.30am, grabbed my pack and walked downstairs to the hostel foyer. There, I spotted a skinny, scruffy guy

in his late fifties with his hair in a ponytail, staggering around and slurring his words. Drunk before dawn? What’s your problem, dude? I didn’t want him accompanying me on the trail, so I just skipped breakfast and left.

Later that day, I checked out one of the many historic and architecturally stunning churches that dot the Camino. When I returned to the path, I heard a voice say, “Buen Camino,” a common greeting among pilgrims. It was the guy I had tried to avoid. I smiled politely and hurried off, thinking I could outpace him. But almost two miles later, he was somehow still close behind me.

Finally, he yelled out to me, and though I feared I’d spend the rest of my day listening to the ramblings of a drunkard, I let him catch up. The man introduced himself as Nico and explained that he had Lou Gehrig’s disease. It had ravaged his nervous system to the point where he stumbled and slurred. He’d decided to tackle the Camino while his body would still let him. I felt awful.

Before the Camino, I had absurdly high standards for how a person should be, despite my own shortcomings. In my head, people were boring and predictable, and almost everyone fell into one of the many categories I’d devised: religious wack-jobs, arrogant show-offs, incense-burning virtue signallers, hopeless drunks and so on. Unless

they had something to offer me—good looks, wealth, wisdom, a willingness to laugh at my jokes—I treated them as if they didn’t exist.

Before I knew anything about Nico, I had pigeonholed him. I nearly deprived myself of a genuine human connection. Instead, we spent three days walking together. He told me about his life as a professional kickboxer, representing Germany internationally. I helped him fasten

BY OPENING MY HEART, I COULD ACTUALLY LIKE PEOPLE. AND BY CLOSING MY MOUTH, THEY COULD LIKE ME

his belt and do up his jacket. We developed a profound bond—the very thing my life was lacking. By the time we parted, it was obvious: by opening my ears and my heart, I could actually like people. And by closing my mouth, they could actually like me.

MOST DAYS FOLLOWED a familiar rhythm. I’d rise before dawn, pack my bag, put on my jacket, lace up my boots and walk for six to 12 hours. Every day was painful. One of my big toenails was black, and my little toes were calloused. My shoulders and back ached from the weight of my pack. Because of the orientation of the

trail, the sun baked the left side of my face, which would leave me with longterm skin damage.

Still, there were moments of bliss. I was surrounded by endless golden fields, mountainous air and soulshattering sunrises. I snaked through deserted country villages and rested in the pews of majestic cathedrals.

One morning, a little over halfway through my trip, I spotted the Spanish city of León in the distance. For most pilgrims, León serves as a brief dose of civilisation, a place to sleep in a proper bed, to wine and dine, to visit a museum or gallery. For me, it was a reckoning: the city of 125,000 shared a name with my mother, Leone.

She and my father adopted me when I was an infant. They were a loving couple who ran a funeral home together and raised me and my sister in the flat above the business. They were kind, patient people of integrity who always gave back to their community.

Despite their love and affection, I could never shake the fear of rejection. I’d do anything for other people’s approval. As a kid, I once accepted a dare to give a bag of multicoloured rocks to a developmentally challenged child and tell him they were pieces of chewing gum. It was just one of many times throughout my life that I’d done something for a laugh at someone else’s expense.

I put my parents through hell. Aged 15, I dropped out of school

entirely. But I refused to get a job and even stole the funeral hearse for joyrides before I had my driver’s licence. When my parents tried to discipline me, I would rage at them and run away from home.

Just after I turned 17, I left home for good to work at a ranch in California. Despite receiving numerous letters from my mother, I never called or wrote back. Four years later, she died of pancreatic cancer. I didn’t get to say goodbye. By the time I was old enough to grasp how much pain I’d caused my mother, it was too late to apologise. That truth ate at me every day. I hated myself because of what I’d done, and that disdain emanated from me like a toxic cloud, infecting every relationship that followed.

Outside León, I continued along the trail past a cemetery, where I noticed an elderly lady carrying flowers to a gravestone. As I approached, her face broke into a warm smile. I was stunned. She looked exactly like my mother. “Buen Camino,” she said, before she continued on her way.

I almost chased her down—to do what, I don’t know. Even if I did speak, what would I say? “You look just like my dead mother. Can I give you a hug?”.

I knew it couldn’t be her, but the sight of her made me realise how much I missed my mum, how much I wished I could tell her I was sorry.

I broke down in tears as pilgrims and cyclists passed me by.

A few days later, I came upon a monument called the Iron Cross. Compared to the elaborate ruins and ornate churches along the route, it was a remarkably ordinary structure: a metal cross atop a tall wooden post. At its base were tens of thousands of stones left by pilgrims. It’s a Camino tradition to leave a rock, symbolising the unloading of a burden.

Knowing this, I’d brought one from home. I held it in my hand, thinking of the regret I’d carried with me since my mother’s death. Nothing will ever excuse the way I treated her. But holding on to my regret wasn’t helping me or the people around me. I knew I had to let it go. Sobbing, I threw the stone on the pile and continued walking.

ON NOVEMBER 30, 2016, I woke up at 3.30am, buzzing with excitement. I was only a couple of miles from the end of my journey. Just as I had planned, it was my 50th birthday. My final destination was Cape Finisterre, on the west coast of Spain; its name means “the end of the earth”. With less than an hour left in my 62-day hike, I wandered off the path to climb to a high point in the predawn darkness. Sitting alone, I watched the sun inch above the horizon, casting the clouds in shades of pink and orange as fishing vessels began to leave the harbour. It was the most awe-inspiring sunrise I’d ever seen.

Climbing down from my perch, I soon arrived at a worn three feet-tall stone marker denoting the end of the

(Left) Marshall at the end of the route; (Right) At the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela

trail. An unfamiliar feeling swelled up inside me: pride. I had done it. My back was spasming with pain, and my whole body throbbed, but I was elated. I’d overcome my fears, completed the journey and kept my vow of silence. I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.

I SPOKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 90 DAYS. IN A CROAKY, UNEVEN VOICE, I APOLOGISED TO MY WIFE FOR EVERYTHING

right thing to do. We had a son, then a daughter a few years later, and we poured ourselves into our kids’ lives, ferrying them to school and sports.

As they got older, my wife and I retreated into our jobs. She worked at a youth camp, managing the barn, and I had my radio show. By the time our kids were adults, we were sleeping in different rooms. Our love had gone cold.

To cap off my trip, I’d arranged to spend a few weeks in a monastery on the Canary Islands, just off the western coast of Africa, silently writing and reflecting. The Camino was everything I’d hoped it would be. I had seen the good in humanity. I had shed my shell of negativity. And I had begun to make peace with the deep-seated pain that was preventing me from being the person I wanted to be. What would the monastery reveal? This: one night, I awoke and suddenly realised that I needed to repair the most important relationship in my life. My marriage. I met my wife when we were both 20. She got pregnant, so we got married. We weren’t madly in love, at least not then, but we were bringing life into the world, so it felt like the

When she turned 50 in early 2016, she went on a solo trip to Australia and did some reflection of her own. Two weeks after she left, she sent me an email: she wanted out of our marriage. I was gutted, but I wasn’t surprised. Yet before I left for the Camino, I had convinced her to stay.

Lying in the monastery bed, I shuddered at the thought of ever letting her slip away again. Despite our ups and downs, she was the person I needed most in the world. She tolerated me with saintly patience, and I loved her intensely for it. My worst mistake was that I’d neglected to show it.

After returning home that December, I spoke for the first time in 90 days. On Christmas Eve, in a croaky, uneven voice, I apologised for everything and asked my wife to remarry me. She said yes.

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU that was my happily-ever-after moment. That, after all my soul-searching, I restored all my relationships and never acted

like a jerk again. But life isn’t a Hallmark movie.

Months after my return, my wife explained that she’d felt ambushed by my sudden proposal. She hadn’t wanted to bring me down from my Camino high, so she’d said yes. Not long after that conversation, she left. It felt like the end. But after a couple years of separation, we started going on dates again, and then we signed up for couples’ therapy. We concluded that investing in a future together was worth a shot. Giving up after 36 years of shared history seemed too easy.

It took two years for me to realise that there was no squaring the new me with my old life. Returning to the radio show, I felt myself reverting to the irritable, judgemental person I once was. The more I talked, the more I yearned for the serenity of unplugging from everything, which the Camino had given me.

Eventually I decided that if I was truly dedicated to becoming a better person, I needed a radical, permanent change. I quit the radio show, got rid of my phone, abandoned my social

media accounts and moved back in with my wife on a 40-hectare farm northwest of Toronto.

Silence is now a part of my daily life. I am perfectly happy sitting on our front porch, literally watching the corn grow. Four horses, seven dogs, 30 chickens and an ass named Grace keep me company. When I get a craving for social interaction, I ride my horse to the local watering hole.

It still takes all my effort to keep my inner jerk at bay, and I fail often. But I’ve found a way to keep the lessons of the Camino close at hand through SOS Retreats Canada. A couple of times a year, I welcome groups of people to the farm for a weekend during which they walk a roughly 30-mile trail in silence. In the evenings, we relax and verbally debrief around the fire.

I’m not offering to help anyone find themselves, repair their marriage or cope with grief. All I’m offering is a place to slow down, shut up and listen. Because I know that it’s in the silence that the important stuff gets louder. n © 2022, D.G. MARSHALL. FROM “SOUND OF SILENCE,” TORONTO LIFE (SEPTEMBER 22, 2022), TORONTOLIFE.COM

Tidy Truths?

Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else

JAMES THORPE

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

PHYLLIS DILLER

13 THINGS

A Fascinating Fungus

BY Courtney Shea

1

The global mushroom market is expected to reach US$90 billion (that’s just over £70 billion) by 2028 (that’s up from US$63 billion— nearly £50 billion—in 2022).

2

This mushrooming popularity is not surprising; low-carb and rich in antioxidants as well as vitamins B and D, the fungi are a source of protein and an affordable meat alternative. Grilled portobello mushrooms make a tasty “burger,” and now you can even buy mushroom versions of steak,

chicken breast and bacon. Climate scientists in Germany found that if we replaced just 20 per cent of the meat we consume with microbial protein, by 2050 we could more than halve the rate of deforestation and reduce carbon emissions related to cattle farming.

3

Still, not everyone is a mycophile (the technical term for a mushroom enthusiast). Many haters (mycophobes) cite texture as the turnoff, but mushrooms may also trigger disgust

for their association with mould. A 2015 Washington Post exploration on the science of disgust listed mushrooms among those foods that can trigger a response that may not be entirely rational.

4

You don’t have to like eating them to reap mushrooms’ benefits. Reishi and tremella mushrooms are trendy wellness ingredients, found in everything from adaptogen supplements (which are supposed to help your body adjust to stress) to skincare products (tremella is said to be more hydrating than hyaluronic acid). And chaga, lion’s mane, Cordyceps and reishi have been used for centuries in anti-inflammatory and immuneboosting remedies.

5

Beneath the earth’s surface, mushrooms branch into networks of rootlike mycelium, helping to break down plant and animal waste, which adds vital nutrients back into the soil. This network even shares information (such as warning trees about insect infestation), communicating via electrical pulses in intricate patterns. Some mycologists (mushroom experts) refer to this as “the natural internet” or the “wood wide web.”

6

If “mycelium” sounds familiar, you may be among the millions of fans who tuned into The Last

of Us , HBO’s recent hit series about an infectious species of Cordyceps that causes mycelium to take over the human brain and turn the host into a zombie-like mushroom monster. The premise was based on the real-life parasitic “zombieant” fungus; its spores attack an insect and take over its behaviour. But our higher body temperature means we are not susceptible to that infection. Phew!

7

More than 50 years after they first dominated the funky fashion and design aesthetic of the 1970s, mushrooms are once again popping up on everything from wallpaper to pillows. Pinterest even named them a key design trend for 2023. And brands like Hermés and Stella McCartney have turned to “mushroom leather” (made from a mixture of mycelium and other plant fibres) as an ecofriendly, vegan alternative to leather. One of her bags, launched at Paris Fashion Week in 2021, retails for around £2,800.

8

The largest mushroom on earth is a single Armillaria ostoyae (honey mushroom) that occupies 2,384 acres (965 hectares) in the US state of Oregon. Meanwhile, the Tibetan yartsa gunbu (caterpillar mushroom) is among the most expensive, selling for roughly £23,600 a kilogram. Its

purported aphrodisiac properties have earned it the nickname “the Viagra of the Himalayas.”

9

Foraging for mushrooms is a popular outdoor activity. During autumn, puffball mushrooms emerge in forest clearings and pastures, and in the spring, morels can be found near ash and elm trees. But beware: many poisonous mushrooms can look like familiar varieties, and some wild mushrooms are dangerous to eat raw. Deaths are rare, but you could easily end up with an upset stomach at the very least. Always forage with an expert.

1 0

Poisonous mushrooms are sometimes called toadstools. This is slang for a colourful yet poisonous fungi with a stem and an umbrella-shaped cap. One example is Amanita phalloides , known as death-cap mushrooms, with their silver-green caps. They’re responsible for more than 90 per cent of mushroom-related poisonings and deaths worldwide.

1 1

Recent years have brought renewed interest and investment in magic mushrooms as a promising treatment for depression, addiction and other mental-health disorders. In 2022, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health was awarded Canada’s first federally funded grant

to study psilocybin as a potential treatment for depression. The US government also recently funded a study on psilocybin as a tool to help people quit smoking. Earlier this year, Australia became the first country to approve psilocybin for treatment-resistant depression, and a psychedelic drug trial firm opened last year in the UK.

1 2

Meanwhile, microdosing— taking super-small doses of psilocybin—is a popular productivity-boosting hack in California’s Silicon Valley and elsewhere. The scientific community is still divided on the effectiveness of this for enhancing mood, creativity and focus. But microdosing was recently given (unofficial) royal assent: in an interview about his memoir, Spare , Prince Harry described psychedelic mushrooms as a “fundamental” part of his mental health practice.

1 3

Mushrooms may find their way to outer space as soon as 2025. Researchers are exploring mycotecture—the use of mushrooms as architecture—for future bases on the moon and Mars. The stucco-like building material is grown by feeding mycelium an algae, which causes it to expand and fill a mould. It’s then sterilised, ensuring no unwanted organisms come along on its journey to another world. n

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THE ART OF EMA

WORDS & PHOTOGRAPHY BY Helen Foster

In most Japanese shrines and temples you’ll find a display of wooden plaques called ema that people write prayers upon. Every temple puts their own stamp on these and admiring the designs, and the sentiments behind them, can make a fascinating addition to your Japan trip. You might even find one to grant your own wishes and prayers...

Wander up the hill from the gently clacking bamboo that lines the pathway of the Arashiyama bamboo grove in Kyoto, and you come to a shrine with a small wooden torii gate. `

It’s not showy, you could even walk past it without noticing if you were in a hurry, which is kind of ironic as this is the Mikami shrine: a shrine to appearance. Specifically, the protection of beautiful hair. To the right of the altar, tied to rows of nails by bits of red string, is a sea of prayer plaques. Look closely and you’ll realise they’re shaped like a comb and contain a drawing of a woman with a flowing black mane; on the back of them you’ll find prayers from those hoping to maintain their own lustrous locks and hairdressing businesses hoping for success tending to the hair of others.

DONATING A HORSE TO A SHRINE WAS SEEN AS A GOOD WAY TO GET YOUR PRAYERS HEARD

Relief from balding might not sound like the traditional thing you ask the heavens for, “but people will write all sorts of wishes and aspirations on an ema. Pleas for help with changing something in their

life, such as giving up an addiction or healing from an illness, are also common,” says Professor Ian Reader, Emeritus professor of Japanese Studies at Manchester University. He refers to them as “letters to the gods” in his research.

In Japanese, the word for ema is written using two Japanese characters—one for picture/drawing and one for horse—and it’s believed that this goes back to a time when all ema contained pictures of horses. Horses were seen as animals that carried deities; donating a horse to a shrine was therefore seen as a good way to get your prayers heard by the powers above. However, as it wasn’t achievable for everyone in society to hand out horses (or, perhaps because it wasn’t feasible for the shrines to keep them), the idea of using a wooden plaque adorned with the picture of a horse to convey messages developed instead.

Today, you still find horse-themed ema at shrines like Kanda Myojin in Tokyo’s Akihabara, which offers cute cartoon-style designs of their onsite horse Akari, but, you’ll also find plenty of other images from animals representing the lunar year, religious symbols and even manga cartoons. Ema also vary in shape. In fact, the only thing a modern ema may have in common with the traditional design of old is being flat and made of wood.

Clockwise from bottom left: A pony ema at the Kanda shrine; the “hair shrine” ema; lunar new year emas for sale; the “doomed lovers” ema at the Ohatsu Tenjin shrine

The design of most modern ema though will be related to something the shrine is known for. Take heartshaped ema. If you’re travelling around Japan and spot one, it’s likely that you’re at a love shrine like Osaka’s Ohatsu Tenjin, famous for the tragic love story between a courtesan and the son of a rich merchant, who, when they couldn’t be together, killed themselves at the shrine. The heartshaped ema for sale here contain a drawing of the doomed couple sitting under a cherry blossom tree.

One of the most unusual shapes I spotted on my last trip to Japan was at Kyoto’s Kawai Shrine. Not many tourists come here, but if you’re

(Top) Lion ema at the Namba Yasaka shrine; (Middle) The “breast” ema; (Bottom) The “face” ema at the Kawai shrine

looking for unusual ema it’s a must stop as the plaques are shaped like mirrors with eyes, nose and a mouth drawn on one side. Women visiting the shrine colour the features in with make-up or crayons to wish for beauty, inside and out.

Other shrines will base their design on their own appearance—some ema at Kyoto’s Fushimi Inari Taisha, for example, are shaped like the thousands of scarlet torii gates that it’s most famous for, while at Osaka’s Namba Shrine the ema painted with a lion’s head reflect the 12-metre-high lion’s head that holds the altar in its mouth, and swallows evil spirits that might negatively affect the worshipers below. People come here to pray for good luck at school and business.

Praying for good health is another common reason to write upon ema— but because it’s hard to draw illness, symbolism is often used instead. One Japanese folk tale says that if you drop a nashi pear into the river and promise not to eat one for a year, your tooth pain will be cured—so, ema related to dental health often contain the image of a pear. Other designs include tortoises for longevity.

Admittedly, some shrines are more literal; wander into Nagoya’s Mama Kannon temple and you’ll be confronted by breast-shaped ema. Legend has it that a woman unable to breastfeed brought her baby to the shrine and immediately started

to lactate. The shrine now sees many women coming to pray for a successful pregnancy.

“The exact designs of ema change as the needs of society change,” says Professor Reader. “For example, ema based around education became more common in post-war Japan as more people sought to go to university. Today you find more ema relating to pets and pet health as pet ownership grows in Japan. Fandom has also become a part of ema-writing now. People will sometimes put up ema asking to get tickets to a favourite band’s concert, or requesting victories for their favourite baseball team.”

You don’t have to be Shinto, Buddhist or Japanese to fill in an ema—if you visit a shrine that has a theme that speaks to you, then you can simply visit the shrine shop, purchase a plaque of your own, write on the back and affix it to the dedication area reserved for tying the plaques. Before this, though, it’s good etiquette to carry out the purification ritual of washing your hands and rinsing your mouth from the water trough you find in every shrine. But be warned—if you decide to tie your ema at Mikane-jinja, Kyoto’s money shrine, you might need to make some room. It has more ema than I think I’ve ever seen at a shrine. It seems a lot of people want to speak to the gods about their cash flow! n

FULL STEAM AHEAD!

I GOT THE CHANCE TO DRIVE THE WORLD’S LAST SCHEDULED STEAM TRAIN

BY Martin Fletcher FROM THE FINANCIAL TIMES

It is 5.20am, and I’m sound asleep in a guest house in Wolsztyn, a small town in western Poland. The light snaps on outside my room. I hear Howard Jones, my host, shout: “It’s working! It’s working!”. It takes me a second to register what’s happening, then I leap from my bed and quickly dress.

Thirty minutes later, Jones and I reach the train station. It is cold, dark and raining, but sure enough there’s a huge black steam engine standing at the platform with smoke billowing from its chimney.

We climb up into the cab, where Andrzej and Marcin, the driver and fireman (or engine stoker) are waiting in their grimy clothes and baseball caps. At precisely 6.03am, the great steel monster pulls out of the station, clanking and creaking, huffing and puffing as it slowly gathers pace.

Thus, the world’s last scheduled standard-gauge steam-train service, the last one primarily for regular passengers, not tourists, begins its morning journey.

It is also the last one on which novices like me can learn to drive. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

It was four years ago that a friend of a friend, who was a steam-train lover, told me about Wolsztyn’s steam engines and of Howard Jones, the curious Englishman who had done so much to keep them going by setting up

courses for people who longed to drive steam trains.

Intrigued, I contacted Jones, who invited me to visit in February 2020. I booked my flights, but the day before my departure he called to say that none of the three trains were working. Then came the COVID-19 pandemic and the lockdowns.

I resurrected my plans in early 2022 and booked a flight for a three-day visit to Poland. There, I met Peter Lockley, a railway enthusiast—more commonly known as a “gricer.” The retired solicitor from Leamington Spa, in central England, now travels the world photographing steam engines for fun, and, like me, he wanted a crack at driving one. But when I arrived in Wolsztyn, Jones broke the news that just one of the locomotives was actually working.

The steam train from Wolsztyn to Leszno, almost 28 miles away, runs twice daily on weekdays most of the year, at 6.03am and 11.41am. After arriving in Wolsztyn late, I opted to sleep in and take the second run. That was a mistake. The train developed a fault in its brake pump on the early run, so the later run was cancelled.

That gave me time, at least, to be inducted into the strange and secret fraternity of gricers—most of them old enough to recall Britain’s steam trains. They were raised on Thomas the Tank Engine books, and films like Brief Encounter and The Railway Children.

The guest house where Jones

accommodates visitors is full of steamengine memorabilia: signals, ticketcollectors’ caps, guards’ lamps, platform signs, model trains, railway DVDs and photos.

Lockley and I explored the Wolsztyn engine “shed,” a depot where there is a splendid old “roundhouse,” a railway turntable of a sort I had not seen since childhood. There were also 18 steam engines in various states of repair. Lockley knew them all. “That,” he’d say, “is a Pm36-2, built in Poland in 1937 and the last of its kind in the world.”

Over a lunch of wild-mushroom soup and venison in a pre-war aristocrat’s country mansion, Jones, now silver-haired and 70, told me his story. Born and raised in London, his father took him to see a rare Clan Stewart steam locomotive at Liverpool Street Station when he was five. He would sneak into train sheds like Cricklewood, Neasden and Old Oak Common to admire the engines.

“In the summer it was trainspotting, and on the dour winter days it was a model railway in the bedroom,” he said. When the last regular steam-train passenger service ended in Britain in 1968, “It was almost like losing a close friend,” said Jones.

He left school as the era of cheap package holidays began. He worked for travel agencies, and later set up a company that organised weekend trips for British gricers to heritage railways

in Germany and Poland. That was how he discovered the Wolsztyn depot.

Steam trains had survived longer in Communist Poland than elsewhere because it produced lots of cheap coal, and diesel replacements were expensive. Steam engines were still common in the 1980s, and three or four working sheds survived until 1990, but by 1994, Wolsztyn’s was the last one left. “It was just clinging on,” Jones told me.

By then, Jones’s company—and his marriage—were in trouble, so he followed his heart. In 1997, he moved from England to Poland to try to save Wolsztyn and its steam trains. “It was a eureka moment. Someone said, ‘You’ll never get beyond five years.’ That was a bit of a kick in the backside. And here we are 25 years later.”

He promised to raise funds for the shed if the state railway company kept running the trains. He tapped into the

Marcin, the stoker, in the locomotive’s cab, among the array of levers and handles for driving the train

large community of British train lovers. He persuaded 40 gricers to invest £2,000 each, and in return they could spend one week a year for the next five years learning to drive the trains. He settled in Wolsztyn and organised steam-train trips around Poland.

By the early 2000s he was contributing about £50,000 a year to Wolsztyn’s shed and attracting visitors from around the world. In 2006, he was awarded the Member of the British Empire for his contribution to BritishPolish relations. “I felt like a bit of a fraud because all I’d done is play trains,” said Jones. Today the Wolsztynto-Leszno service carries around 50,000 passengers a year, of which only about 5,000 are tourists.

I asked Jones what he found so fascinating about steam engines. “They are the closest thing in machinery to being alive—like breathing dragons,” he explained. “No two are alike. You have to learn how each one handles. You call them ‘she,’ and you swear at them. It requires a lot of skill to drive a steam engine, but any idiot can drive a diesel or an electric.” Jones, incidentally, can drive a steam engine but not a car.

on My second morning the brake pump was still broken. I was due to fly home the next day. An employee was sent on an 11-hour, over 600-mile round-trip to a railway museum to get a part. When he returned, the pump was mended, and at 5.20am on my third and final day, Jones woke me. Over the next three hours I began to understand why gricers are gricers.

Railway workers in Wolsztyn trying to repair the steam locomotive’s faulty brake pump

Dressed in a boiler suit, I climbed two metres of metal steps to the cab of the engine, an OL49-69 built in the early 1950s. It has wooden floorboards, and doors and windows held together by wire. In front of me, over the firebox, is a bewildering bank of levers, wheels and dials. Behind is the coal tender. Every surface is oily, black and grimy. There is a strong smell of sulphur.

Jones shows me the regulator (a steel lever that serves as the accelerator), the reverser (a wheel that determines direction of travel) and a brake handle. Then we’re off—140 tonnes of steel rumbling into the darkness amid steam and smoke.

It’s thrilling, but alarming, too. We can barely see the tracks because of the loco’s long boiler. Andrzej, a 67-year-old who is a 48-year veteran of the railways, relies almost entirely on his intimate knowledge of the track to know when to accelerate and when to stop. He could navigate it blindfolded.

Leszno is 28 miles, or 83 minutes, away. En route we stop at 11 village stations. Normally there would be lots of schoolchildren and students waiting on the platforms, but it is a school break, so today we pick up just a few commuters. They are blithely unaware that they have a beginner helping in the engine room, pulling levers and turning handles as Andrzej barks instructions in broken English.

I’m told to blow the whistle as we approach crossings. I shovel chunks of coal into the blazing firebox, filling the

cab with an orange glow and blast of hot air each time we open its steel doors to expose the red-hot furnace. At times we reach 37 miles per hour and the whole loco is vibrating, but somehow we make inch-perfect stops at every station.

Approaching Leszno, our branch line merges with a dozen others. An unseen signalman guides us through the tangle, and we grind to a halt in a crescendo of noise and smoke. Diesel and electric trains glide in and out almost silently, but steam engines are prima donnas—a statement.

A dozen passengers get off, and scarcely 20 minutes later we set off back to Wolsztyn. This time the loco is at the end; we are going in reverse.

We pass factories, warehouses and modern houses as we leave Leszno. We thunder through rich farmland, then forests of pine and silver birch, scattering deer. We pick up shoppers heading to Wolsztyn’s market, and night workers going home, 38 passengers in all, before we return.

It is 9.07am. Elated, I thank Andrzej and Marcin, pull off my boiler suit and sprint to a waiting car, my hands and face black and filthy. I should make it to my plane on time. Jones tells me: “You’re one of perhaps 2,000 people who have helped drive a steam locomotive on a main line this century.” n

At Citalia, we have been helping our guests discover the very best of Italy for over 90 years. Our experience and expertise, together with our attention to detail and personal touch, really does make us the UK’s leading Italian holiday specialist.

Our history in rail travel and relationships with trusted hotel partners

mean we can build every aspect of your trip, so everything is taken care of before you even pack your bags.

Whether you’re looking for an authentic city break in Rome, an architectural escape to Florence or a serene trip down Venice’s Grand Canal, we take the time to handcraft an Italian adventure bespoke to you.

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Did you know Verona is just over an hour away by train from Venice? You could combine these two cities and discover more of the real Italy in one trip.

Citalia’s Guide To Italy’s Cities

The Italian cities offer a captivating blend of history, art, culture, and stunning scenery. Each with their own charm, they come alive with energy and culinary excellence. Find a hidden gem around every corner and soak up the local traditions. Italy has so much to offer, and we can’t wait to share some of our must visit cities with you. Andiamo!

VENICE

Italy’s floating city, Venice, is enchanting and unique. Built on a series of islands,

it’s renowned for its network of canals and historic architecture. Explore the city by water onboard a gondola or get lost in the side streets stopping off at the little boutiques. Cross Rialto Bridge, the symbol of Venice and enjoy the panoramic city views.

Be sure to try Venetian tapas, also known as cicchetti, bite-sized dishes that are popular among the locals. Or take a boat trip to Murano, an island famous for its glassmaking, to see this art in practice.

SAVE THE DATE: VENICE CARNIVAL

Enjoy the festivities of the iconic Venice Carnival which takes place annually in the weeks leading up to Lent. The streets come alive as the locals dress up in elaborate masks and colourful costumes to enjoy the masquerade balls, street performances and music.

FLORENCE

The heart of Italy, Florence is filled with artistic treasures like the Uffizi Gallery and the magnificent cathedral with its iconic, red-tiled dome. The Ponte Vecchio stands proud across the Arno River and has been a symbol of the city for centuries. Lined with jewellery stores, they have a long history and some still even manufacture their jewels inside the ancient workshops today. Another hidden gem is the wine windows of Florence which were a safe way for shopkeepers to sell wine and food during the bubonic plague in the 1600s. Today, there are around 285 windows scattered around the Old Town.

ROME

Italy’s capital, Rome, is a timeless city that holds thousands of years of history and culture. The heart of the Roman Empire, the Eternal City is home to iconic landmarks like the Colosseum, Pantheon, Trevi Fountain and the Roman Forum. Wander around the streets and get a glimpse into the grandeur of the past. Stop off at one of the many piazzas and enjoy watching the world go by with a glass of wine in hand. A bustling city, filled with life, Rome’s unparalleled combination of ancient history and dynamic atmosphere make it a captivating destination that should not be missed.

NAPLES

Vibrant and energetic, Naples brings a unique spirit to southern Italy. Known for its rich history and delicious cuisine, Naples is the birthplace of pizza bringing fresh ingredients to plates across the city. Home to architectural marvels with Baroque and Neoclassical influences, it’s one of Italy’s oldest inhabited cities. The Bay of Naples delights with its picturesque views while the historic city centre is a UNESCO World Heritage site worth exploring. Ancient Pompeii sits just outside of Naples and invites you to step into the past.

Naples is the gateway to the Amalfi Coast and nearby islands like Capri and Ischia.

MILAN

Located in the north of Italy, the cosmopolitan fashion capital of Milan is home to high-end boutiques and luxury brands. Gaze in awe at the intricate details of Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II or admire the sensational views from the top of the stunning Gothic Duomo. You could even take a day trip to nearby Lake Como to enjoy a peaceful retreat on the glistening shores. A dynamic hub of modernity and culture with a rich historical backdrop, add Milan to your Italy bucket list.

CITALIA’S CHOICE: FLORENCE, ROME & NAPLES

Struggling to decide between cities? Why not combine them on a multicentre adventure and discover more of the real Italy? Blend the Renaissance charms of Florence, the ‘Eternal City’ of Rome and the cultural city of Naples in one single trip, making memories to last a lifetime.

My Great Escape:

Zooming Around Tenerife

Our reader Lynn Chapman goes on a thrilling bike ride

around the biggest of the Canary Islands

What adventure could I go on to celebrate my 60th birthday? My first cruise and being chauffeured around the volcanoes of Tenerife on a “boom trike” sounded pretty much perfect.

On the largest of the Canary Islands, a pre-booked taxi met us at the port and drove us 40 minutes to the west coast of the island, where we were met by Ian and his magnificent, shiny, yellow boom trike. We had been looking forward to this for such a long time, and we weren’t disappointed when we saw what was to be our mode of transportation for the next three hours.

It was so thrilling to be on the bike as we rode through the old

fishing village of Puerto de Santiago, with locals and tourists alike turning their heads towards us as we rode along in the warm sunshine. Ian was very knowledgeable about the history of the island and showed us points of interest on the journey, including the very exclusive RitzCarlton Abama Hotel, set in a stunning 400-acre site. Past guests include Bill Clinton, Pen élope Cruz and Stephen Hawking.

We stopped at a place called Mirador Archipenque, from where you had a magnificent view of the Los Gigantes cliffs, which rise over 500 metres above the sea. There was a lovely marina here too, as well as souvenir shops, little cafes and beautiful beaches.

From there we drove further up into the mountains, which was at times a bit hair-raising as some of the

bends were a little tight. There were houses dotted about and I wondered what it would be like to live there; it looked very tranquil.

There was a lovely breeze while riding, but when we arrived at the next look-out point, we could feel the heat as soon as we got off the bike. Luckily, Ian was well prepared and had ice-cold bottles of water in the back box. There were only a handful of people there, but they all took selfies with the big yellow trike. This was also our opportunity to sit at the front for photos. It felt great holding the handlebars and “being in charge” of this formidable machine, but I could never imagine taking it out on the road for real. Needless to say, Ian kept the ignition key in his pocket!

The views were magnificent as we stood 1,300 metres above sea level, looking down on the very pretty village of Masca, populated by around 90 people. In the opposite direction was the imposing site of Mount Teide, Spain’s highest mountain at over 3,700 metres, and an active volcano that last erupted in November 1909.

On the return ride to our drop-off point, we were completely in awe of the history that surrounded us. Eroded rocks, lava flows, craters, black volcanic ash and the splash of greenery made for a landscape that looked like the set of a sciencefiction film.

A quick photo stop at the Hard Rock Hotel brought us back to reality and we were soon in our taxi heading back to the ship.

It was an unforgettable experience and a wonderful way to celebrate my birthday. Tenerife is a beautiful island, with stunning scenery and over 200 volcanoes. We had the best views because there were no obstructions on the bike, and it also felt perfectly safe.

After such a thrilling day, the evening was more sedentary, spent over a quiet meal, vowing to go back to Tenerife for another trip on one of those awesome machines—what a way to travel! n

Tell us about your favourite holiday (send a photo too) and if we print it, we’ll pay £50. Email excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

THE SHELL GROTTO

Margate

With 2,000 square feet of mosaic patterns, 4.6 million seashells and 70 feet of tunnels, the Shell Grotto is a mysterious and impressive sight hidden away below the streets of the seaside town of Margate.

Discovered by chance in the mid1830s, when a gentleman bought the cottage that stood above and removed the stone covering the entrance, debate has raged about the origins of the underground grotto ever since. There are theories that this unusual, yet strangely captivating tourist attraction was once a place of worship or an ancient temple, a meeting place for a secret sect, a smuggler’s cave or an extravagant, wealthy man’s folly. We all love a mystery.

Descending the chalk stairway to the cold tunnels and examining the Grotto in person will not provide much certainty, but it’s certainly fun to decide which theory you believe.

Exploring the decorative shells adorning every inch of the curved, thick walls and ceiling will prove that this artwork was made by a dedicated and skilled person or people. Patterns made from native cockles, whelks, mussels and oysters are fashioned into beautiful , intricate swirls, while other symbols appear to show everything from

trees of life and phalluses to gods, goddesses and an altar. However, an “altar room” also includes exotic shells, such as Caribbean queen conches, in the corners.

What we do know is that the formerly secret Shell Grotto was first opened to paying customers in 1838. The museum room you enter before the Grotto explains the conservation work that has been done to preserve the Grade I listed site (the altar room was damaged by a Luftwaffe bomb in 1940) and why the delicate shells should not be touched, as well as revealing the bright colours the Grotto would have been when it was first made. Unfortunately, as the Grotto was lit with gas lamps for nearly 100 years, the shells are covered in carbon deposits.

Visit the Margate Shell Grotto in September or October (WednesdaySunday, 10am-5pm), or from November (Thursday-Sunday, 11am4pm). Entrance is £4.50 for adults, £4 for concession, £2 for a child or £10 for a family. A magical experience, it will leave you with more questions than answers about these historic, hidden tunnels, and that in itself is a compelling reason to visit.

By Ian Chaddock

How often do you think about death? Hopefully not too often. But I want you to make an exception today. I want you to imagine what will happen when you do pass. Not the how, the why or the when of it happening, but what happens after. And since this is a money column, I want you to focus on the finances.

At first it might seem pretty simple, but the more you think about it, the more complicated it can become. Do you see everything passing over to your partner? Or maybe your kids and grandkids? Is it evenly split or do your wishes involve different amounts of money or assets for different people? Will they get the money now, or when they’re older? Will it pass to your partner first, and then to others?

Do you want to ensure dependants are protected for a while—perhaps with something that says they can stay in your home until a specified time? And what about debts? How will they be paid? Could that force the estate you leave to be split, or your home sold?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Now, you could just tell your family what you want, but sadly the law might not agree.

For a start, if you have a partner but aren’t married or in a civil partnership then they have no legal right to anything in your name. It

doesn’t matter how long you’ve been a couple or if you have kids together. They’ll get nothing. They might even be forced out of their home.

Likewise, other wishes about where things go don’t have to be honoured by whoever is in charge of your estate.

If you have children under the age of 18 (and the other parent is also dead) it’ll be up to the courts to decide who looks after them—and that might not be who you want to have custody.

You could even end up in a situation where your next of kin receive the lot, even if they’re no longer part of your life or an ex who you’ve not divorced.

And there are rules around tax allowances too that only pass from you to your partner, children or grandchildren. So the nice little nest egg you think your niece will receive could be decimated by HMRC.

Even if these issues aren’t a concern, there’s also the admin headache to think about. The burden, good and bad, will fall on those nearest and dearest to you.

At a time when they’ll be processing their grief , they’ll also

Andy Webb is a personal finance journalist and runs the award-winning money blog, Be Clever With Your Cash

have to deal with everything else. If it’s all a jumbled mess, things could get lost, or unexpected consequences could cause financial distress for your loved ones. There could even be legal costs if there’s a fight about who gets what.

Fortunately there’s an easy fix. Get a will. Do this properly and your money, property and belongings will be given to whoever you want. You’ll be able to put in place specific wishes you want to be followed.

You’ll also be able to think about inheritance tax, and whether there are ways to reduce it.

It all seems pretty obvious but, scarily, 59% of people in the UK don’t currently have a will, according to Will Aid charities. That’s a hefty number.

So how do you go about changing this? Well, there are a few ways to get a will drawn up. The best is probably to go via a solicitor. They’re regulated and insured so the legal document

you produce with them should stand up if anyone challenges it.

Solicitors will also be the most expensive option, and the more complicated they are, the more they’ll cost. One way to save, while also doing something for a good cause, is to take part in either the Will Aid or Free Wills Month campaigns. Both will get you a “simple will” for a donation to charity.

A simple will is one where you leave everything to just a few people, whether friends, family or a mix. You won’t be able to include any complicated tax advice, overseas assets and things like powers of attorney. But for most people that’s more than enough.

Will Aid runs in November each year, though you can book with participating solicitors from September onwards. You can give what you want but they suggest £100 for a single will and £180 for a

“SCARILY, 59 PER CENT OF PEOPLE IN THE UK DON’T CURRENTLY HAVE A WILL”

couple (this is known as a “Mirror” will that does the same but with the names reversed).

Free Wills Month is a little different as it’s only for those over 55 years old (or when in a couple, one person is over this age). This takes place twice a year in March and October.

There are also a number of other free or subsidised will schemes run by charities themselves. These include Cancer Research UK and The Children’s Hospital.

Alternatively you can use a willwriting service. Most aren’t regulated, but if you only need to make some simple requests, that hopefully won’t be an issue further down the line. They’ll still count as your final wishes—as long as they comply with the law. Money Saving Expert recommend Which? and Farewill.

A final option is to write something yourself—though you need to be aware that this could easily be challenged. Really, this is for the most basic will where you want to leave everything to your partner or your child. Just make sure that it’s witnessed by two independent adults who aren’t listed in the will itself.

Whichever you go for, make sure you keep an eye on your will— you can add codicils or updates if your situation changes in the coming years. n

Frightful Fortunes

Halloween may be best known for spooky costumes, pumpkins and communing with the dead, but it is also traditionally a holiday for divination. Old divination games include pouring egg whites into a glass, dropping balls of wool down the well and hanging laundry on the washing line. Often these games would predict who its participants would one day marry

SOURCE: LIBRARYBLOGS.IS.ED.AC.UK

How to find equity release advice

If you are over 55 and own your own home, equity release can be a fantastic way to take advantage of its value and unlock some welldeserved cash later in life. With it, you could achieve your goals and enjoy the freedom to choose how and when you make payments.

Although using an equity release product could be a useful way to access a financial boost, you must seek independent advice to ensure you make the right decision for you and your family.

1. Do your research

It’s likely that your home is your most valuable possession, so it’s important to look in the right places and get reliable information that you can trust before you consider utilising its value.

Have a think about your plans for the years ahead and how your plans might change in the future. You could also use our free online calculator to find out instantly how much you could release, as well as receive a free copy of the Reader’s Digest Equity Release complete guide to unlocking the value of your home.

2. Take your time

Make sure you take your time to decide whether equity release is the most suitable solution for you, as taking from the value of your home now will reduce the value of your estate and could affect your entitlement to means-tested benefits.

Should you enquire with Reader’s Digest Equity Release, you can be certain that

you’ll never be pushed to proceed. Whether you decide that it pays to be patient or need us to work to meet a tight deadline, we’ll work at a pace of your choosing.

3. Choose someone you trust

At Reader’s Digest Equity Release, we think it’s vital that you feel confident and comfortable when deciding if equity release is for you. That’s why our advice service will provide the following:

• A no-obligation consultation to discuss your priorities and preferences.

• One dedicated equity release adviser to stay with you throughout your journey.

• Consideration of a variety of options, including equity release and other mortgages.

• Access to exclusive products through our panel of lenders.

If you’d like to kickstart the process of receiving advice and support tailored to you, call the friendly Information Team today on 0800 029 1233.

They can arrange for you to meet with a fully qualified adviser who can help you to understand how equity release could work for you. You will also receive a free guide to unlocking the value of your home.

Frights And Fireworks

How to keep your pet safe over Halloween and Bonfire Night

Halloween and Bonfire

Night can be among the most terrifying times of the year for some of our cats and dogs. National pet charity Blue Cross have some top tips on how you can keep your pet safe and sound.

Halloween

• Walk your dog before it gets dark or stay inside and play games to tire them out in the safety of your home.

• With the potential for strangers in fancy dress to appear at your door, consider keeping your dog away from the door—for example, separate them from the entrance to your home using a stair gate if they are used to it.

• If your dog is really worried by people, put a sign on your gate saying “Nervous dog. Please don’t knock on the door”.

Make sure your pet has a comfortable safe space to go to if they are worried. This could be their bed or crate, but make sure it is away from front windows or the door.

• Stuff a Kong toy to keep them busy. Have it ready made for when children come to the door and give it to your dog to keep it occupied while you answer it.

Why

do fireworks pose a problem for pets?

Pets can become very frightened by fireworks and it’s possible they could run away and get lost or even injured. Animals have no idea what the loud bangs and flashes are and can get very stressed by anything that is out of the norm or a change in their routine.

How to keep your animals safe

• Keep dogs and cats inside when fireworks are being let off.

• Make sure your dog is walked earlier in the day before the fireworks start.

• Close all windows and doors and block off cat-flaps to stop pets escaping and keep noise to a minimum. Draw the curtains, and if the animals are used to the sounds of TV or radio, switch them on (but not too loudly) to block out some of the noise of the fireworks.

• Prepare a “den” for your pet where it can feel safe and comfortable— perhaps under a bed with some of your old clothes.

• Let your pet pace around, whine, miaow and hide if they want to. Do not try to coax them out—they’re just trying to find safety and should not be disturbed.

• Stay calm, act normally and give lots of praise for calm behaviour. It’s OK to cuddle and stroke your pet if it helps them relax, but if they prefer to hide under your bed, then let them do this instead.

• Avoid leaving your pet alone during potentially upsetting events. If you do have to leave the house, don’t get angry with your pet if you find they have been destructive or toileted. Shouting at a frightened pet will make them more stressed.

• Never take your dog with you to a fireworks display.

• Small animals in hutches and enclosures should be brought into a quiet room indoors, or a garage or shed.

• Give your pet extra bedding to burrow into so it feels safe.

• If you cannot bring your pet’s hutch inside, turn its enclosure to face a wall/fence instead of open garden.

• Cover hutches with thick blankets to block out the sight and sound of fireworks, but make sure there is enough ventilation.

• Bonfires can pose a problem as they provide a cosy hideaway for cats who like a quiet place to snooze. Always check your bonfire before lighting it.

For help visit bluecross.org.uk

Peanut

Age: Nine years

Breed: Chihuahua cross Owner: Kirsty Morris

Fun Fact: She loves to go for a “dip” whenever we are out for a walk, inbetween chasing squirrels

Email your pet’s picture to petphotos@readersdigest.co.uk

Space-Saving Furniture Tips

Felicity Carter looks at how to optimise the available space in smaller flats by smartly selecting furniture and keeping rooms clear of clutter

If you’re wanting to maximise your space, whether it’s for your living or work area, there are some practical do’s and don’ts that can be applied. An easy win comes in the form of multifunctional or built-in furniture, as they will do all the hard work for you. Adaptable furniture that can be reconfigured, and that has more than one use— such as divan and sofa beds, storage coffee tables and foot stools— offer greater flexibility, and are particularly useful for smaller flats. A considered approach to the space is also key, ensuring furniture pieces that are in proportion with the size of the room will give a more spacious feeling rather than a confined appearance. Remember to use the wall area too—try incorporating a floating desk with shelving, for example—and have a cull of the clutter for a more streamline aesthetic.

Juliette Thomas, the founder and creative director of the London-based interior design and luxury furniture retail company, Juliette’s Interiors, has been designing and offering up unique interior solutions and furnishings since 2005. With her wealth of experience with private residential customers, who better to ask then, for expert space-saving furniture tips.

Get an adjustable dining table

No matter the size of our homes, many of us love to entertain—and, therefore, a larger dining table is key. In small properties, a large table isn’t always the solution, as it limits the overall space. You therefore need to introduce furniture that adjusts as you do. Opting for an extendable dining room table which can be easily adjusted, whether it’s for working from home or for when friends and family come over, will give you total flexibility throughout the year. Ensure the design is easy to assemble, not too cumbersome and gives plenty of room to grow when you most need it.

Maximise space underneath

Dual-purpose or multi-functional furniture is vital in small homes to maximise on available space, so think outside the box when selecting larger pieces. In the bedroom, an Ottoman bed is essential for space-saving,

boasting plenty of room underneath for clothes, spare bedding or shoes which can then be easily hidden away. I’d advise choosing a bed with an easy opening and closing system so you or other members of your household aren’t battling with it! In the living room, choose a coffee table which has built-in storage underneath so you can hide away your laptop, games or paperwork. A smart use of space, as well as an easy-to-reach destination for everyday items.

Look to the walls

Ensuring your floor space remains clear and uncluttered is an effective way of helping a room feel larger— therefore functional furniture doesn’t always need to be based on the floor. Instead, utilise the walls in your home and introduce floating furniture to avoid restricting useable space in each room. I would avoid choosing larger pieces of furniture for this as it can have the opposite effect, so instead, opt for smaller pieces of furniture. From floating shelves and minimalist bedside tables to a desk or dressing table, rather than incorporating traditional furniture with legs, floating furniture opens up the space and allows for more fluidity and movement.

Size isn’t everything

It may be tempting to go for the largest sofa or bed possible, however, this will have a negative effect on the feeling and ambience of your home. Oversized furniture immediately makes a room feel cramped and small, which isn’t ideal if your home is limited on space anyway. Instead, ensure your bed or sofa fits comfortably and you can walk around both sides to make a room more functional and aesthetically pleasing. Avoid pushing the furniture up against the wall at all costs!

Incorporate sliding doors

When space is limited, regular doors that open and close can easily eat into your available space. By introducing furniture with sliding doors, you will immediately save on space and be able to move much easier. From fitted wardrobes to sideboards and TV units, sliding doors are more streamlined, sleeker and modern— plus, they can be paired with an array of interior design styles to suit a variety of looks. n

For more information, visit juliettesinteriors.co.uk

Gourd Devilishly

With Halloween just around the corner, Paola Westbeek shares ideas for how to use leftover carved pumpkins to cook with

Paola Westbeek is a food, wine and travel journalist who has tasted her way through Europe, interviewing chefs, visiting vineyards and reviewing restaurants. Her work has appeared in FRANCE Magazine and other publications

According to the climate change organisation WRAP (Waste and Resource Action Programme), approximately 9.5 million tonnes of food goes to waste every year in the UK. Those staggering numbers are especially disturbing if you consider that nearly three-quarters of that food (6.4 million tonnes) was perfectly suitable for consumption. Curbing food waste would not only reduce global greenhouse gas emissions by roughly ten per cent, but the food that ends up in landfills could potentially feed up to 2 billion people.

With the advent of autumn and Halloween right around the corner, I can’t help but think about all of those handsome pumpkins that will mercilessly get discarded after they’ve served as festive jack-o’lanterns by our front door or as part of our indoor decor, adding seasonal colour to a mantlepiece or dining room table. With the exception of the rock-hard,

dry and unpleasantly bitter gourds available at a garden centre, most pumpkins (if handled correctly) need not be thrown away and can be used in many delicious dishes, both sweet and savoury.

I would certainly not recommend turning a carved pumpkin that’s been sitting outside for days—more than likely serving as an all-you-caneat buffet for insects and rodents—

speaking, you should bear in mind that the larger pumpkins used as jack-o’-lanterns are quite bland and tend to have a tough, stringy flesh. Opt to roast the flesh instead of boiling it as this imparts more flavour, and be generous when it comes to seasoning. The easiest way to roast a pumpkin is by slicing it in half, scooping out the seeds and baking it at 180°C for approximately

PUMPKINS NEED NOT BE THROWN AWAY AND CAN BE USED IN DELICIOUS DISHES, BOTH SWEET AND SAVOURY

into soup. However, if you wash the outside of your pumpkins well before carving and only set them out for a few hours on a cold Halloween night, there’s no harm in bringing them back in and cooking them up when trick-or-treaters have stopped coming round. It’s another story if your pumpkins are uncarved and used indoors. In that case, they will remain in good condition for up to two months, but do check to ensure they are blemishfree and haven’t started going soft. Pumpkins come in all shapes and sizes, and there are hundreds of varieties to choose from, each with its own unique texture and flavour profile. Discovering which works best for your recipes is really a matter of taste, but generally

45 to 90 minutes, depending on its size. Once cooled, simply scoop out the flesh with a spoon, blitz in a food processor until smooth and use in soups, bakes and spreads such as hummus or pumpkin butter. The most popular pumpkin varieties (among them the Kabocha, Cinderella, Musquee de Provence, Crown Prince and Turban Squash) are beautiful and full of flavour. Their seeds, which are rich in zinc and magnesium, make a wholesome snack or excellent topping for salads when tossed with olive oil, sea salt and roasted at 180°C for 15-20 minutes. Play around with dried herbs and spices to fancy them up. I love adding garlic powder with a dash of smoked Spanish paprika or the deliciously fragrant and spicy

piment d’Espelette; and for a sweet version, swap out the oil for melted butter and toss with cinnamon and maple syrup.

One of the recipes I have on repeat throughout the autumn is my aromatic pumpkin and rice gratin. For two people, start by sautéeing a shallot or onion, a red chilli pepper and garlic in a bit of olive oil until soft. Add 400g of diced pumpkin and cook for approximately 5 minutes. Next, tip in 120g of basmati rice and approximately 450ml of hot vegetable stock. Briefly bring to a bubble, then remove from the heat and stir in a few heaping tablespoons of cream; freshly chopped herbs such as parsley, chives or sage; and a few handfuls of sharp, grated cheese. Transfer the mixture to a greased baking dish, finish with a little more cheese and freshly cracked pepper and bake at 180°C for 40 minutes, until the rice is cooked through and the dish is bubbling.

For a super-quick pasta dish, roast 400g of cubed pumpkin, red onion wedges and whole garlic cloves at 200°C for 35 minutes. Once done, squeeze out the garlic and stir everything through pappardelle ribbons along with a swirl of cream, a handful of toasted walnuts, rocket lettuce and a little blue cheese.

Remember to look beyond traditional pies when it comes to using up pumpkin purée. Add it to cakes, cookies and bars instead of butter to cut down on fat (and sugar, for that matter). If you’d rather indulge than abstain, remember that pumpkin pairs brilliantly with dark chocolate and cream cheese, so play around with pumpkin breads with chopped chocolate and pecans, or try pumpkin cheesecake bars with caramel sauce and cupcakes with pumpkin spice and cream cheese icing. You’ll be glad those decorative pumpkins were put to good culinary use. n

Autumnal Colours

Chlorophyll is the chemical that makes leaves green and, as it declines, other chemicals take more prominence in the leaves

These chemicals include flavonoids, carotenoids and anthocyanins and are responsible for the ambers, reds and yellows of autumn leaves

Some of these chemicals give carrots (beta-cartotenes) and egg yolks (luteins) their colours

SOURCE: METOFFICE.GOV.UK

MONTH FILMOFTHE

H H H H

BLACKBERRY

It’s 1996 and the world of mobile phones is about to change forever in Matt Johnson’s comedy-drama BlackBerry. The film opens with a fumbled pitch by Mike Lazaridis (Jay Baruchel) and Doug Fregin (Johnson), a couple of buddies who harbour big tech dreams but lack charisma. In steps Jim Balsillie (a standout Glenn Howerton). He offers to quit his job and steer them to their full potential—neglecting to mention that he has already been fired due to unscrupulous workplace practices.

Awkward tech guy Lazaridis, goofy nerd Fregin and cutthroat businessman Balsillie make an unlikely team, but together they embark on a journey to make the world’s first smartphone, and hopefully a lot of money.

Handheld camerawork makes you feel like you’re in the thick of it, and it’s fun (and nostalgic) to watch the excitement as they invent

BBM, which now seems so quaint. The fast pace is complemented by a catchy soundtrack, capturing chaos and exhilaration of trying to pioneer a new way of communicating.

Knowing the chokehold the iPhone now has on the mobile phone market, your heart breaks for Lazaridis as he insists that no one would ever give up a phone with a keyboard. His belief in his vision is his downfall, and it’s humbling how far a tech giant can fall.

The jury’s out on how accurate the film is—the real Jim Balsillie praised Howerton’s performance as “brilliant”, but said that his characterisation is “five per cent accurate, and 95 per cent made-up”. Regardless, the cast puts in strong performances for the whole fun ride—and make up for an unconvincing set of wigs.

By Alice Gawthrop

H H H

THE GREAT ESCAPER

a graceful, gentle and genIal Michael Caine takes centre stage in The Great Escaper, a true story inspired by Bernard Jordan, a Second World War veteran who ducked out of his seaside retirement home in June 2014. Why? Because the 89-year-old wanted to make it to Normandy to join the 70th anniversary D-Day celebrations. Departing without telling those in charge, he makes his way to the ferry, where he meets human kindness and shattering memories. Left behind in the home is his spirited wife Rene (Glenda Jackson), who hasn’t lost her sense of humour, despite her ailing health.

Director Oliver Parker, who has previously rebooted the likes of Dad’s Army and St Trinian’s for

modern film audiences, here shifts down a gear, matching Bernard’s slow-but-steady pace. As the media frenzy swirls around Bernard’s disappearance, Caine brings a quiet gravitas to his character, notably in the moving scene where he meets German soldiers who have also arrived in Normandy to pay respects to their fallen comrades.

Meanwhile, Jackson—in her last role before she died earlier this year—gives a mischievous turn, although you can’t help but wish she and Caine had more scenes together. The Great Escaper is certainly a stark reminder of their enormous talents.

by James Mottram

three shows about con artists arrive for sentencing this month. Two deserve slaps on the wrist. The Following Events Are Based on a Pack of Lies (BBC1, iPlayer) has metabolised the many internet articles about gaslighting but displays scant idea of lived reality; fine actors (Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Rebekah Staton, Alistair Petrie) struggle to sell it. Aussie import Vanishing Act (ITVX) initially frames high-rolling Sydney grifter Melissa Caddick’s midpandemic demise as trashy, semi-fun soap, before making pious excuses for its heroine, deemed more sinned against than sinning (it also features a cover of the Pet Shop Boys’ “Opportunities” that really is a sin). The pick of this shifty pack is The Power of Parker (BBC1, iPlayer), a sharply realised sitcom that regards the early 1990s as a hangover from the excesses of the 1980s, and boasts a superlative villain in Conleth Hill’s Martin Parker, a peacocking wheeler-

The Power of Parker

dealer brought low by the sisters he’s been two-timing. Sian Gibson spars effectively with Rosie Cavaliero as the Silvikrinned avenging angels and—alongside co-writer Paul Coleman— distributes big laughs around an excellent ensemble: Sheila Reid as a lusty retiree and Abby Vicky-Russell as Parker’s underengaged secretary are among the beneficiaries. One reason TV crooks may be flourishing is that TV cops are becoming more distractible. No Activity (BBC2, iPlayer), an earlier work by Team Colin from Accounts, was likely conceived as a send-up of The Wire, drily observing detectives and police back-up staff as they talk the nonsense that doubtless gets actual lawmakers through their duller stakeouts. It’s often hilarious nonsense, though, and doesn’t preclude character development or gratifying plotting: trust me when I say this is a worthy investment.

Retro Pick:

TheThief,HisWifeandtheCanoe (ITVX)

Four-part dramatisation of the John Darwin palaver, featuring expert tragicomedy from Eddie Marsan as Darwin and Monica Dolan as his wife Anne.

by Mike McCahill

Sailing On Sound Waves

Seventy-five years on from the Windrush

stood on the border of a new world, toeing the line between the Mother Country and the HMT Empire Windrush, Lord Kitchener did what he always did best. He opened his mouth and sang: “London, is the place for me/London, this lovely city/You can go to France or America, India, Asia or Australia/But you must come back to London city.”

Before he’d even stepped off the gangplank, Kitchener initiated one of the most significant cultural exchanges in the history of contemporary British music—the import of Caribbean culture that continues to shape popular genres like grime and hip-hop today. Kitchener, or “Kitch”, was already a famous musician in his home in Trinidad (“the king of the Calypso singers,” according to the Pathé newsreel that recorded his arrival), and had penned this song on the passage over. It spoke to the apparent optimism of the moment, with Britain poised to embrace its new West Indian citizens—if you are to believe the newsreader.

Of course, the truth is more complex. In a BBC Radio 2 interview in 2015, David Rudder—who sang back-up in his teens in a calypso tent run by Kitchener—said that Kitchener performed that song to “mamaguy, as we say in Trinidad, to caress the egos of the British people.” Kitchener was far more candid about the trials he and the rest of the Windrush generation faced on his later music releases, singing with a wry lyricism about the overwhelming London overground, the dreary British weather, and the prolific racism—“If your skin is dark, no use to try, you’ve got to suffer until you die,” he intones on “If You’re Brown”. London, it turned out, was not the place for Kitchener. He eventually moved to Manchester, where he briefly ran his own nightclub and was a regular fixture at The Reno, one of the city’s key drinking establishments for the Caribbean community. In 1960, he would make Black British history again on the bill for the London Caribbean Carnival, the precursor to Notting Hill Carnival. When he returned to his beloved Trinidad two years later, he left behind a musical legacy that spans oceans, and will surely echo through the ages for years to come.

By Becca Inglis

October Fiction

A nuanced historical novel and a gripping look at our modern world of polarised culture are Miriam Sallon’s top literary picks this month

TheFraud

by Zadie Smith is published by Hamish Hamilton at £20

In a recent New Yorker article, Zadie Smith talked about the seeming inevitability of every English author writing a historical novel. She resisted for years, she said, despite having a quiet obsession with a particular Victorian court case, on the basis that if a novel “could have been written at any time in the past

hundred years, well, then, that novel is not quite doing its job.”

After mulling over this idea for 11 years, Smith has finally given in, and to great effect. The Fraud tells the story of London housekeeper Mrs Eliza Touchet, and her increasing obsession with the “Tichborne Trial”, in which a man long-thought dead has supposedly returned to claim his fortune.

Whether this man is indeed Mr Tichborne or a butcher from Wapping is almost by the by, because at the centre of the trial is the Tichborne claimant’s key witness, Mr Andrew Bogle. A former slave, and longtime servant to the Tichborne family, it’s with him that Mrs Touchet’s undivided focus lies.

IT’S RARE TO SEE THE HORRORS OF PLANTATIONS BESIDE THOSE CALLOUSLY

ENJOYING THE BENEFITS

As with many period novels, we begin in aristocratic London. But halfway through, we’re transported to Jamaica to pursue Mr Bogle’s unendingly tragic story. Whereas other stories in this setting might give a nod, at most, to the horrific conditions of the sugar plantations, it’s rare for us to see it beside those callously enjoying the benefits on the other side of the world, and in such miserable focus.

The sudden shift to Jamaica, while powerful, does seem a little clunky. Given this is Smith’s first foray into

historical fiction, it’s no surprise you can see the mechanics a little more clearly, compared to her contemporary North West London fiction in which she is truly a master of veiling her authorly intent.

That said, our London base is in fact 19thcentury North West London, the now chaotic Edgeware Road then surrounded by “fields as far as the eye can see”, and walking down the now-crammed Kilburn High Road, you might then see only one “toothless farmer driving a crowd of pigs with a stick”. It’s a perfect nod to her North West London roots, while still succeeding in writing a very different kind of novel. Smith may have actually done the thing she swore she’d never do, but contrary to her past thoughts on historical fiction, she tells this old story through a nuanced, contemporary lens. n

NAME THE CHARACTER

Can you guess the fictional character from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)?

1. He is known for his wild and drug-fuelled adventures.

2. He is a journalist covering a unique event in Las Vegas.

3. He’s accompanied by his eccentric lawyer friend, Dr Gonzo.

Answer on p138

RECOMMENDED READ:

Mistaken Identity

Naomi Klein utilises how she is often confused for Naomi Wolf to highlight the dangers of conspiracy culture

Naomi Klein is known for her razor-sharp sociopolitical analysis. Book after book, she has located and defined multiple endemic issues, laying out causes and consequences, and perspicuously explaining the solutions. She is close to the last person I would imagine falling down an internet rabbit hole, let alone writing a book about it. But lockdown was a weird time and, stranded on the coast of British Columbia, “on a rock at the dead end of a street that is three hours...from the closest city”, there was little else to do but take to the internet.

Her obsession centres around the woman she has been increasingly confused with over the years: Naomi Wolf, or “Other Naomi”. Wolf made a name for herself as a new-wave feminist with her 1990 title The Beauty Myth, wrote regularly for publications such as The Guardian, and worked as a political consultant for Al Gore. But somehow over the last few years, she’s become a major advocate and regular talking head for the alt-right, tweeting about chemtrails and vaccine conspiracies. In short, she

appears now to be the polar opposite of Klein, or in other words she has become Klein’s doppelganger.

While the premise might seem somewhat narrow and silly, it’s this biographical element that makes it so particularly readable. Klein uses her doppelganger fixation to speak of bigger and more insidious problems which she terms the “mirror world”: the rise of conspiracy theories, of our virtual selves, of bizarre political alliances—such as Wolf and the alt-right. If, like myself, you might struggle with a 360-page complex political analysis, this personal narrative weaving through the text will keep you hooked.

The strange angle from which Klein has approached these problems also creates an entirely fresh perspective. It’s not so much the facts that are new, but the manner in which she lays them side by side. What, you might ask, have Native Canadian rights got to do with COVID-19 policies? What has autism to do with the Holocaust? It sounds crazy, but with each of these bizarre tandems, Klein’s argument grows stronger.

While this might seem a departure from what Klein calls her “real work”, she has attacked this internet rabbit hole obsession with the same rigour and care she applies to the rest of her writing. Only this time, we get a peek of Klein herself, and it’s all the more potent for it. n

Doppelganger:

ATripintothe

MirrorWorld

by Naomi Klein is published by Allen Lane at £25

EXCERPT

“For centuries, doubles have been understood as warnings or harbingers. When reality starts doubling, refracting off itself, it often means that something important is being ignored or denied—a part of ourselves and our world we do not want to see—and that further danger awaits if the warning is not heeded. That applies to the individual but also to entire societies that are divided, doubled, polarised, or partitioned into various warring, seemingly unknowable camps.

Societies like ours.

Alfred Hitchcock called the tumultuous state of living in the presence of doppelgangers “vertigo” in his 1958 classic of the same name, but from my experience, an even more resonant term is one used by the Mexican philosopher Emilio Uranga in 1952: zozobra . A Spanish word for existential anxiety and deep gloom, zozobra also evokes

generalised wobbliness: “a mode of being that incessantly oscillates between two possibilities, between two affects, without knowing which one of those to depend on”— absurdity and gravity, danger and safety, death and life. Uranga writes, “In this to and fro the soul suffers, it feels torn and wounded.”

Philip Roth explored this push and pull in his doppelganger novel Operation Shylock : “It’s too ridiculous to take seriously and too serious to be ridiculous,” he wrote of a duplicate Roth. That sentence has become my mantra during this uncanny period. Are the political movements Other Naomi helps lead ridiculous, unworthy of attention—or are they part of a serious shift in our world that needs our urgent reckoning? Should I be laughing or crying? Am I sitting still on this rock, or

Answer to RATHER THAN PUSH HER AWAY, I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO LEARN EVERYTHING I CAN ABOUT HER

is everything moving very fast? If doppelganger literature and mythology is any guide, when confronted with the appearance of one’s double, a person is duty bound to go on a journey—a quest to understand what messages, secrets and forebodings are being offered. So that is what I have done. Rather than push my doppelganger away, I have attempted to learn everything I can about her and the movements of which she is a part. I followed her as she burrowed deeper and deeper into a warren of conspiracy rabbit holes, places where it often seems that my own Shock Doctrine research has gone through the looking glass and is now gazing back at me as a network of fantastical plots that cast the very real crises we face.

NAME THE CHARACTER:

Hunter S Thompson’s notorious antihero Raoul Duke appeared in the 1970s cult classic, FearandLoathinginLasVegas, adapted into a wildly popular film starring Johnny Depp.

Books

THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Frank Cottrell-Boyce is a multi-award-winning author and screenwriter who won the CILIP Carnegie Medal for his debut children’s book, Millions. His new book The Wonder Brothers, a fun mystery-adventure about the biggest vanishing trick of all time, is out now

Here Is Real Magic, Nate Staniforth I could talk about this book forever! It’s a memoir by a brilliant magician, Nate Staniforth, who has a belief in being able to do magic out of ordinary things. He has become a little jaded and disillusioned, so he takes himself to India to renew himself by taking his magic on the road. I’m very privileged to have been a writer all my life, but it’s very difficult to stop it just being a job. You can lose touch with the joy of it. This book is about rediscovering the joy in your own talents and finding magic in the ordinary.

One Thousand and One Nights I won a copy of this book in a competition at school. It’s kind of the opposite of finding the magic in the ordinary—it’s about extravagance and amazingness, bragging and lying. But I love it! It’s really about how storytelling can save your life. The narrator is a woman facing a death sentence who is telling stories with these cliffhangers so she won’t be killed. It’s a book of wonders about how you can enchant someone with a story. As a children’s writer you spend a lot of time in schools, telling stories to children who don’t necessarily want to be there, gathering them up in a moment of laughter, excitement or nervousness. One ThousandandOneNights celebrates that you can confront someone who wants to kill you and, because of a cliffhanger they go, “I’ll kill you tomorrow instead”. It’s the greatest celebration of the power of storytelling I can think of.

Three Men in a Boat, Jerome K Jerome This is just the funniest book. And it’s kind of about nothing. It’s just three blokes in a boat going down the Thames and not being very good at it. That’s all. It’s just paying attention to the lovely details of ordinary life. It’s so kind, so tender, and it’s funnier than anything else. There are pages and pages of failing to get through a lock gate or getting lost in a maze. You don’t need all these big twists and dramatic events to be funny, you can just be really overconfident that you can find your way out of a maze!

X Marks THE ROT

"What went wrong with Twitter?" asks James O'Malley

I have never smoked a cIgarette, but after a weekend I experienced a little while ago, I have a renewed admiration for people who once had the habit, and have since managed to kick it.

Why? Because my personal selfdestructive addiction is Twitter. I know, deep down, it is bad for me. But still, I can’t get enough of it. For almost 20 years now, I’ve spent more hours than I would ever dare admit scrolling and scrolling…and scrolling…and scrolling.

But then on that fateful weekend, Twitter suddenly, briefly, effectively

Peter Kovác / Al A my Stoc K Photo

A silhouette of Elon Musk in front of a black banner with Twitter's new X logo

disappeared, forcing the platform’s 450 million users around the world to go cold turkey.

The move was deliberate, and it was yet another sign of the turmoil that had engulfed one of the world’s most important communication platforms since electric car and rocket entrepreneur Elon Musk bought the company last year for $44bn.

And the cause was, depending on who you believe, either Twitter guarding against an assault by bots trying to download tweets en masse, or one alternative theory was that Elon Musk had refused to pay an important server bill. That would mean it was more like an unpaid electricity bill forcing you to turn off the lights.

new features and modify the Twitter app to suit his whims.

It's now not uncommon to find features no longer working

And the changes have led to what is, in my biased view, a significantly worse experience for users. It’s now not uncommon to find features no longer working, or for the site to fall offline for minutes at a time, because Twitter don’t have seasoned staff maintaining them. And Musk’s decision to prioritise showing tweets from “verified” members, who pay the company £8/month has meant that the allimportant algorithm is showing users of the site worse content than it used to.

In any case, it was a dramatic moment for the company, and it was symptomatic of Musk’s new regime. Because the new proprietor isn’t sitting idly by, leaving his lieutenants to run the operation. Instead he’s getting stuck into making changes to how Twitter works—and is rolling out major changes at a break-neck pace.

For example, within days of taking charge, he announced that over half of Twitter’s 8,000 existing employees would be losing their jobs, and that those who remained would have to work harder than ever to develop

If you believe Elon Musk, there is some method to the madness. For a long time, he has spoken of his desire to transform Twitter into an “Everything” app. The idea is that Twitter will no longer be just for reading tweets—but it will be a place where you can video call friends, watch full-length videos, or even use financial services.

And the idea isn’t completely mad, on paper. My theory is that the reason he bought Twitter to do it is

James is a technology writer and journalist. A former editor of tech website Gizmodo UK, James can be found mostly on Twitter posting jokes of variable quality @Psythor

If Twitter's existing users get too annoyed by the changes and the chaos, they can leave

because it gives him access to the platform’s existing users and their social connections. And if you want to build an app you can use to send money to friends, having 450 million people already signed up and connected with their friends is a great way to get started. It’s this dream that has led Musk to rebrand Twitter as “X”—the iconic blue bird icon is no more, and our home screens now have a white “X” on a black background to hit instead.

However, I must admit that I am sceptical of this plan, and not just because it means monkeying around with a platform that I am addicted to.

But the problem is that Musk appears to be approaching the problem of re-engineering Twitter into something new, much like building a rocket. With his rocket company, SpaceX, it has been able to revolutionise the space industry by quickly iterating—effectively by

launching tonnes of test rockets, making changes, and seeing what blows up. Because once you get to space, nobody cares about the scrap metal on the bottom of the ocean.

Unfortunately then for Musk, re-engineering the people who use Twitter doesn’t work quite the same way. If the site’s existing users get too annoyed by the changes and the chaos, they can leave. If the platform becomes unreliable, it will no longer be the place to go to get the very latest news.

So it is a challenge more like trying to re-engineer not an experimental rocket but the engine of a passenger plane full of people, while it is flying through the air. Even if you do manage to successfully land on a runway at the end of the flight, you’re going to have a whole lot of angry people never wanting to fly with your airline ever again. n

Ask The Tech Expert

James O'Malley

Q: How can I keep my files and photos safe…before it is too late?

A: Nothing lasts forever and that is especially true of your digital devices, so it is important to make sure that all of your most precious digital data is safely backed up.

Information security professionals typically say that the rule of thumb to stay safe is the “3-2-1” strategy: you should aim to store three different copies of your most important files, in two different formats, with one held off-site. So, for most home users, this basically translates to a strategy of having one extra copy stored on another device in your home, and then storing another in the cloud—in addition to the originals on your computer or phone.

And the good news is that these days, it is possible to stay backed up relatively painlessly.

For your home backup, the easiest thing to do is to get hold of a large external USB hard drive. You’ll want something a little bit larger than the total size of the drive inside your computer. And from here, you can copy files manually—but this is slow and tedious. You can also

automate the process. On Windows, this is called simply “Backup” and is found is Settings. And on Mac, it is called “TimeMachine”. You can configure your computer so that whenever you plug in the drive, it automatically synchronises the contents of your computer onto the external drive. Similarly, if you don’t mind spending the money, an even better device to buy is a NAS—or “Network Attached Storage”. This is effectively a mini computer that connects to your home network, and will keep you backed up in the background. Most NAS devices can take multiple hard disks, meaning that you can have a back-up of your back-up at all times, so that if the NAS dies, you don’t lose your backup too.

But, arguably, more important is your Cloud backup. For your phone, this is probably automatically built into your phone, and can be configured in Settings. Simply put, when you put your phone on charge at night, it will securely zip up to Apple’s or Google’s servers a copy of everything on your phone. n

Email your tech questions for James to readersletters@readersdigest. co.uk

illustration by Daniel Garcia

STRETCHING THE TRUTH

BY Richard Glover

Jocasta and I are sitting at the kitchen table. My wife has decided to calculate my body mass index (BMI) so she will know, based on the ratio of my height to my weight, whether I should lose some weight. “How tall are you?” she asks.

With a slight swagger of pride, I supply the required figure. Immediately, she disputes it.

“Well, you used to be six foot one, but you haven’t had your height

measured for years,” she says. “People get shorter as they get older. I’m going to knock off two inches, maybe four.”

Jocasta often comes up with these scientific observations. In her career as a screenwriter, she has written a couple of medical dramas and now lives under the misapprehension that she’s a doctor.

“The discs in your spine settle over the years,” she continues. “By the time you get to 90, you’re basically half the height you used to be.”

I find this hard to believe. “If that were true,” I tell her, “people would need to lower their kitchen countertops as they get older.”

Jocasta sighs, as one might do when dealing with a recalcitrant child. “By that age, people have been doing

things for so long, they don’t need to have a direct view of every task,” she says. “If they want to make toast, they do it by touch.”

MAYBE I COULD HANG FROM A TREE BRANCH, MY SPINE LENGTHENING BY THE MINUTE

To illustrate her point, she butters a slice of toast while holding it just above her head in a way that does, admittedly, look quite credible.

Next, Jocasta quizzes me about what my weight is. I suggest a figure that she seems to regard as fanciful. When she asks me to weigh myself, I decline on the grounds that I am “currently retaining water.”

Jocasta says this is unlikely: “What you are retaining is tuna casserole. I’m going to add six pounds.”

Sensing her resolve on this point, I focus on upgrading the figure she’s using for my height. It may be my only hope of avoiding a life on half-rations.

“I don’t feel any shorter,” I tell her. I walk around the kitchen, my neck stretched, my chin raised and my nose tilted upward in the style of a young woman in a deportment class. “I’m getting taller by the moment,” I say.

Jocasta flashes me a derisive look. “Putting your nose in the air doesn’t make you any taller. You just look like an aristocrat trying to avoid the smell of his own fart.”

Ouch. As I sit down, I can feel my vertebrae settling; maybe I am slowly getting shorter.

There must be some way of regaining my height. I could buy a medieval stretching rack and ask Jocasta to tighten it until I scream in agony. She might even enjoy herself.

Or I could hang from a tree branch, my spine lengthening by the minute. Maybe the orangutans of Borneo are just trying to improve their BMI.

I seek advice from Jocasta, since she considers herself a medical professional. “We’re all taller in the morning, compared to the evening,” she confides. “A whole day of walking around leaves the discs compacted. Then they stretch out during the night, when we are lying down. Plus we get heavier during the day because of all the food.”

Struck with an idea, Jocasta goes back to her calculations and emerges with two figures for my BMI: first thing in the morning and in the evening. “You start the day as merely overweight before tipping into clinical obesity at about 7.30 each night, after your second beer.”

I decide to accept her adjudication. After all, I find it quite optimistic. Because even if I end every day as a clinically obese leprechaun, I start each morning in a much better place: a tall man, holding obesity at bay, shaking his fist at the heavens and daring gravity to do its worst. n

SYMBOL SUMS

Can you work out these number sums using three of these four symbols?

÷ ×

2 1 6 6 = 48

(No fractions or minus numbers are involved in the sum as you progess from left to right)

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Towards the end of the Second World War, my father-in-law and his brother-in-law were visiting a hospital with many war-wounded patients.

As they went along a corridor, two orderlies came carrying a stretcher with a large sheet-covered object on it. As they stood to attention and saluted the fallen warrior the orderlies laughed—they had saluted a pile of dirty washing!

GW PITT, Middlesex

While making a cake, suddenly realising I was one egg short, my lovely next door neighbour came to my rescue giving me one of her eggs.

After my next visit to the shops, having bought some more eggs, I asked my four-year-old daughter to very carefully go next door with the egg I owed the neighbour.

Very shortly after, my daughter returned empty handed looking very pleased with herself.

“That didn’t take long,” I said. “No, Mummy, she wasn’t home, so I put it through her letterbox."

JO

PARKER, Submitted online

One evening, I was chatting on the phone to Mum when we started talking about shopping.

“I bought a lovely dress last week,” she said. “It was a bargain.”

“That’s super, Mum.”

She proceeded to tell me all about it.

“I bought a jumper in the sales. For a fiver!”

“Goodbye then.”

“Oh, all right. Goodbye,” I said, ending the call. I have to say I felt pretty miffed that she’d been so abrupt and didn’t want to hear about my bargain.

It was as she rang back that I realised she’d said, "Good buy."

ESTHER CHILTON, Nottinghamshire

My ten-year-old son Laurie had spent much of the school holidays dodging my requests that he wash or shower.

Exasperated, I asked him to confirm he was at least planning to have a bath before we departed for our vacation in Ireland.

His reply: “Mum, I don’t think anyone will sniff me at the border.”

ALEXIS WOLFE, Berkshire

Too many things to do and too little time, I stood among the chaos.

cartoon by Guto Dias

"NO CANDY, ONLY CASH!"

"Oh, I could do with a 'woman who does,'" I remarked, thinking how helpful a cleaner would be.

"So could I," responded my cynical husband.

PENNY WARD, Dundee

I was recently supervising some 11-year-old children on a school trip to London.

We were in a souvenir shop and I told my group that I was looking for a present for my wife. A helpful pupil kept holding up different items that she thought would be suitable.

I kept saying politely, "No, I don't think so," until after a few minutes she slowly walked away before saying with some impatience, "I don't think you know your wife very well!".

KEITH LODGE, Cottingham

Word Power

“Say” is a versatile verb, but there are plenty of other options waiting to be heard. Take this quiz to fill your vocabulary with alternate ways of describing speech

BY SAMANTHA RIDEOUT

1. animadvert—A: speak out against something. B: advertise through word of mouth. C: use a gentle tone.

2. parry—A: repeat. B: wonder aloud. C: skilfully evade a question.

3. asseverate—A: declare emphatically. B: make a counterargument. C: insult viciously.

4. concede—A: whine. B: grudgingly admit. C: explain a plan.

5. repine—A: say with a yawn. B: express discontent. C: contemplate.

6. jape—A: mock. B: talk with food in one’s mouth. C: boast.

7. calumniate—A: agree without thinking. B: make a false and defamatory statement. C: take an unlikely guess.

8. perorate—A: threaten. B: deliver a long speech. C: mumble nervously.

9. inveigle—A: invoke supernatural beings. B: encourage someone to break the law. C: persuade with deception or flattery.

10. ratiocinate—A: reason logically. B: provide feedback. C: pronounce a judgment.

11. philippise—A: advocate under the influence of corruption. B: console. C: convey particularly unwelcome news.

12. importune—A: recite a poem. B: offer assistance. C: request persistently.

13. upbraid—A: describe enthusiastically. B: gossip behind someone’s back. C: scold.

14. ballyhoo—A: praise extravagantly. B: shout hoarsely. C: gloat.

15. quaver—A: whisper. B: ask a rhetorical question. C: speak with a trembling voice.

Answers

1. animadvert—[A] speak out against something; First Nations leaders animadverted upon the pipeline’s threat to the watershed.

2. parry—[C] skilfully evade a question; “Do you want someone experienced or someone capable?” parried the candidate when asked about her employment history.

3. asseverate—[A] declare emphatically; Cayman was a bad juror; he believed everything the witness asseverated, no matter how absurd.

4. concede—[B] grudgingly admit; “I guess my trainer was right when she said I wasn’t ready for a marathon,” conceded Ayako.

5. repine—[B] express discontent; During lunch breaks, Donovan’s coworkers would listen to him repine over having left his village.

6. jape—[A] mock; Sofia pre-empted any japing about her ears by calling herself the love child of Prince Charles and Mr Spock.

7. calumniate—[B] make a false and defamatory statement; Hoping to snag Husni’s job for herself, Mathilda calumniated him as a thief.

8. perorate—[B] deliver a long speech; The conference delegates sighed with relief when the organiser finished perorating.

9. inveigle—[C] persuade with deception or flattery; “Can’t you inveigle any celebrities to attend my party?” pleaded the socialite.

10. ratiocinate—[A] reason logically; Actions are motivated by desires, so morality can’t be based on reason alone, Hume ratiocinated.

11. philippise—[A] advocate under the influence of corruption; Pavithra suspected the mayor was philippising when he praised the local factory’s safety record.

12. importune—[C] request persistently; Tired of hearing his kids importuning him to bring them to Disney World, Eugenio gave in.

13. upbraid—[C] scold; Liese upbraided her sister for having called their mother a cheapskate.

14. ballyhoo—[A] praise extravagantly; Mateo’s boyfriend ballyhooed his homemade lasagna so much that he wondered if he was teasing him.

15. quaver—[C] speak with a trembling voice; “Do I have to read my book report aloud to the class?” the child quavered.

VOCABULARY RATINGS

7–10: fair 11–12: good 13–15: excellent

Reader’s Digest Competitions –

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Page 49 Prize wordsearch – Majestic Wine

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GAMES

Sharpen Your Mind

Pic-A-Pix: Hayloft

Medium Reveal a hidden picture by shading in groups of horizontally or vertically adjacent cells. The numbers represent how many shaded cells are in each of the corresponding row's or column’s groups (for example, a “3” next to a row represents three horizontally adjacent shaded cells in that row). There must be at least one empty cell between each group. The numbers read in the same horizontal or vertical order as the groups they represent. There’s only one possible picture; can you shade it in?

A + B = C B + C = D D + E = G

C + G = F

E + H = F

It All Adds Up

Difficult Each letter from A through H has one of the eight values: 1, 2, 8, 9, 10, 12, 19 or 21. No two letters have the same value. Determine which number goes with each letter to make the equations correct.

Sorting Apples

Easy One of these apples is not like any of the others. Which is the odd one out?

Museum Tour

Medium On a visit to the Museum of Stubbornness, Alex picks up a guided audio tour that leads visitors through the rooms in a prescribed order. In the spirit of the museum, Alex decides to pick his own route. Both the official route and Alex’s route go through every room once, with no backtracking and no rooms skipped. Using the clues below, reconstruct both routes on the map (north is at the top of the map).

1. Other than room #1, Alex doesn’t visit any room in the intended order of the tour.

2. The recording tells visitors to head east from room #1.

3. Alex’s fourth room occupies a corner of the building. He left this room heading south.

4. The guided tour’s fourth room has more doors than its fifth room.

"Late December, back in ---" (The Four Seasons) (5-5)

BY Louis-Luc Beaudoin SUDOKU

1 8 4 5 3 7 9 2 6 3 4 6 9 7 8 5 9 2 7 1 1 4 3 5 8

To Solve This Puzzle

Put a number from 1 to 9 in each empty square so that:

F every horizontal row and vertical column contains all nine numbers (1-9) without repeating any of them;

F each of the outlined 3 x 3 boxes has all nine numbers, none repeated.

FROM PAGE 152

It All Adds Up A = 8, B = 1, C = 9, D = 10, E = 2, F = 21, G = 12, H = 19

Sorting Apples

The apple on the upper right. It’s the only one of the apples with two leaves on its stem.

Museum Tour

The numbers represent the guided tour, and the line follows Alex’s path.

Laugh!

WIN £30 for the reader’s joke we publish!

Go to readersdigest.co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

Your amateur lion tamer name is your regular name prefixed by “the late”.

PAUL BASSETT DAVIES (@THEWRITERTYPE)

I was born in a bungalow, and I’ve lived there ever since. Storey of my life.

SANJEEV KOHLI (@GOVINDAJEGGY)

There’s a new charity who put an abacus in my bra. They can count on my support. SAM (@SAM_BAMBS)

People don’t really like me making puns about Italian Renaissance artists or Swiss tennis players, but I’m quite happy to Raphael a few Federers.

PAUL EGGLESTON (@PAULEGGLESTON)

People who make coupons have their work cut out.

GARY DELANEY (@GARYDELANEY)

The worst thing about being a depressive with an Oedipus complex is sometimes I just wish I was dad.

WILLIAM STONE (@ITSWILLIAMSTONE)

Don’t want to brag, but at school I was voted most likely to cling on to past achievements.

CRAIG DEELEY (@CRAIGUITO)

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it’s fully groan.

OLAF FALAFEL (@OFALAFEL)

My friends are always giving me a hard time about my obsession with The Beatles. I wish they’d let it be.

MATTHEW SMITH, Sheffield

ASK A COMEDIAN

Angela Barnes

A comic known for her appearances on TV comedy panel shows, Angela Barnes has swapped a career in healthcare for stand-up. Ian Chaddock asks her about her funniest experiences…

Which stand-up special made you fall in love with comedy?

Victoria Wood’s show Sold Out, which I had actually seen the year before it came out on video (yes video, I’m in my forties) when she did it as Up West at the Strand Theatre in London. It was my first live comedy and this woman just had everyone eating out of the palm of her hand, it was like watching magic. She was hilarious, and I utterly fell in love with how words alone could make people react together in such a joyous way. God, she was a legend.

What’s the weirdest heckle you’ve ever heard and how did you reply? I remember once being on stage when a small voice piped up, “I think your eyes make you look unhappy”. I responded by just saying, “Are you sure it’s my eyes, or is it maybe because I’m in Chatham?”.

What’s your funniest live show experience?

I recently did a show at a naturist festival. I opted to stay fully clothed, but the audience was made up of a couple of hundred fully naked people, which was nerve-wracking. Usually, you’re told to imagine the front row naked, but it doesn’t help when they actually are. They were a really fun crowd though and up for laughing at themselves. At one point a couple of women got up to go to the loo, and I said, “Don’t too many of you do that at once or I’ll think I’m getting a round of applause”. Sometimes different elements come together to make a show special and I felt that feeling at this show full of nudists. I got a standing ovation at the end, and, I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever unsee it.

You used to work in health and social care before making stand up your career. Did comedy help

you with the stresses of working in healthcare?

Definitely, some of the funniest people I know are from my old jobs. If you are working with people at some of the lowest points in their life, it can be hard not to take that on yourself a bit. When it’s appropriate, some levity can help both you and them. And, of course, in the staff rooms, when you’ve had a tough day and limited resources means you can’t help someone as much as you wanted to, humour can be the only way to break that tension and get you back into work the next day. It could be dark, and you might say things there that you would never say anywhere else, but it’s an important valve when you work in those fields.

How would you describe your stand-up show Hot Mess?

It’s probably the most personal show I have done. But it’s funny, I promise. At its core it’s about friendship and tells a story of something that happened in my life while all our lives were being rocked by a global pandemic. But most importantly, there are jokes—loads of them.

AngelaBarnestourstheUKwithhershowHot MessinSeptemberandOctober

Canine Confusion

“WHEN YOU HEAR ‘TREAT’ BUT YOU’RE ON A DIET”

Via boredpanda.com and kingdomofdoggos.com

CROSSWORD ANSWERS

Across: 8 Phrase, 9 Neophyte, 10 Plymouth, 11 Hung up, 12 Sixty-three, 14 Cake, 15 Shopping trolley, 18 Ship, 20 Optimistic, 22 Balaam, 23 Rosemary, 25 Forensic, 26 Onions.

Down: 1 Childish, 2 Palm, 3 Deduct, 4 On the right track, 5 Cochlear, 6 Phone calls, 7 Struck, 13 Tape player, 16 Iron mask, 17 Emigrant, 19 Head-on, 21 Mascot, 24 Main.

Beat the Cartoonist!

Think of a witty caption for this cartoon—the three best suggestions, along with the cartoonist’s original, will be posted on our website in mid-OCTOBER. If your entry gets the most votes, you’ll win £50. Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk by OCTOBER 7. We’ll announce the winner in our November issue.

AUGUST WINNER

Our cartoonist’s caption, “That’s the book he said was unputdownable…”, failed to beat our reader Kevin Christian, who won the vote with, “He’ll tell his mates that he has had his head in a book all through his holidays.” Congratulations, Kevin!

IN THE NOVEMBER ISSUE

I REMEMBER…

Clive Myrie

The journalist and Mastermind host looks back on his life and career

SUSTAINABLE TRAVEL

How should we tackle the problem of overtourism?

Unveiling the hidden stories within paintings through conservation ART REDISCOVERED

cartoons by Royston Robertson

GOOD NEWS

from around the World

An ancient underground labyrinth has been discovered in Mexico

Archaeologists have found a mythical “gate to the underworld” in the pre-Columbian ruins of Mitla in Oaxaca, Mexico. Legends of a complex labyrinth of tunnels, believed to lead to the entrance of the “Land of the Dead”, outlived Mitla itself.

Mitla was the most important site of the ancient Zapotec culture, and was built as a gateway between the world of the living and the world of the dead, reflecting the Mesoamerican belief that death was the most important part of life after birth.

The ancient Zapotec people settled in Oaxaca Valley before the turn of the first millennium, and around 1000 CE the Mixtec people also migrated into

the area. When the Spanish arrived in the 16th century, Mitla was home to a rich culture including a writing system, two calendar systems and sophisticated farming and construction techniques.

In 1553, Oaxacan Archbishop Albuquerque ordered the destruction of the Mitla site due to its political and religious significance for the Zapotec people. Spanish-led forces sacked the site, displacing the Zapotec, and the ruins of Mitla were used as materials for building Spanish churches. Today, it is one of the most important archaeological sites in Oaxaca.

Ancient rumours of a gate to the Zapotec underworld, known as Lyobaa, sealed hundreds of years ago by frightened Spanish missionaries, persisted. These legends spurred Mexican archaeologists to launch an exploration of Mitla in 2022, using non-invasive geophysical survey tools to see what secrets lay hidden beneath the site’s surface.

A report released by the team of archaeologists confirmed the existence of an underground labyrinth beneath the ruins of a Catholic Church at the site. Chambers and tunnels were identified, with passages between 16 and 26 feet underground. The team has planned further investigations to find out more. Hopefully they don’t accidentally open the gate to the land of the dead!

by Alice GAwthrop