Reader's Digest UK May 2017

Charlotte Rampling:

“I

Changing Careers: 57 Begin A New Profession At

Charley Boorman On Joy, Misery & His Wife’s Beauty PAGE 30

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14 IT’S A MANN’S WORLD

Olly Mann on why he’s watching CBeebies

e ntertainment

22 CHARLOTTE RAMPLING INTERVIEW

The actress opens up about her childhood memories

30 “I REMEMBER”: CHARLEY BOORMAN

The motorcyclist on beautiful women and broken bones Health

44 MY SON’S SUICIDE

A mother bravely opens up about her ordeal—and how she’s helped others Inspire

56 DRIVING TO THE FUTURE

Just how far are we from entirely self-driven cars?

66 BEST OF BRITISH : ON THE FARM Agricultural attractions for all the family

76 CHANGING CAREERS

We chat to four people who prove it’s never too late to chase your dreams

travel & a dventure

84 LEADING THE PACk

A tour guide’s hilarious account of travelling with a group Down Under

94 HUNTING WITH EAGLES

Amazing photos of an age-old tradition

100 THE LITTLEST HERO

The incredible story of how five-year-old Lexi Shymanski saved her family

letter

WE HUMANS REALLY ARE REMARkABLE, aren’t we? I say this because this month’s edition is almost an homage to our emotional, technical and professional feats.

On p76 we chat to four people who threw caution to the wind to carve out a new career later in life; on p56 we celebrate our technological developments and discover exactly how many years it’ll take to create an entirely self-driven car; and on p94 we take a glimpse at a fascinating tradition that showcases the bond between (wo)man and animal.

Of course, no achievement is without hardship—and it’s important not to gloss over the difficulties we encounter. To mark Mental Health Awareness Week, one mother opens up about her very personal tragedy— and how she’s coped—in “My Son’s Suicide” on p44. We also learn how one five-year-old girl fought to save her family in “The Littlest Hero” on p100. The features are both humbling and life-affirming—I hope you agree.

Fiona hicks

theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk

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Tender loving care

Starting on May 8, Mental Health Awareness Week is the perfect opportunity to put your emotional well-being front and centre. Taking time for selfcare is key to maintaining good mental health, and we’ve got a range of tips—from recontextualising household tasks to small ways to pamper yourself. Visit readersdigest.co.uk/selfcare to get inspired.

Take a hike!

May is also National Walking Month—and what better excuse to dust off your walking boots and get out into the country? Learn more about why walking is so good for your health and check out our favourite routes, walking holidays and picnic recipes over at readersdigest.co.uk/walking

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Over to You

LETTERS ON THE MARCH ISSUE

We pay £50 for Letter of the Month and £30 for all others

✯ LETTER OF THE MONTH...

First I avoided “Dear Mum”. Then I braced myself to read it. The first two letters were truly heartwarming, but the third really struck a nerve.

My mum also has vascular dementia and has been in residential care since 2013. It’s hard to put into words the feelings of powerlessness and deep sadness at seeing Mum slipping away. She doesn’t recognise anyone— in fact, she doesn’t even know she’s a wife, mother and grandmother.

Her blank expression haunts me. Yet I try to think of her as she was: her life before the dementia was busy, eventful and sociable and she had a mischievous sense of humour. She loved gardening, devoured books and was well-known for her skill with cryptic crosswords.

I’d never wish for her to die—but I do wish she could be rid of whatever torment she’s going through.

STELLA WILLIAMS, London

WASTE MANAGEMENT

I knew that we waste too much food but after reading “The War On Waste”, I was truly surprised by how large the amount is.

Full marks to Wefeed for their efforts in reducing waste. I can’t help but think that some of the blame rests with the food manufacturers; it

seems that their ideas of “use by” dates are not as real as they’d like us to think—Wefeed has proved this. Could the arbitrary dates be a way to make us buy more of their product, instead of making it last longer?

One thing I can never understand is why some products have a “use by” date that’s more than two years

in the future—yet when reading the label, it states the once the product is opened it has to be eaten in three days! Do we really go shopping for food that we think we may run out of in two years’ time?

MALCOLM WALKER, London

SPIRIT OF ACCEPTANCE

“The Other Honolulu” by Janie Allen was a wonderful article—so rich and interesting with a great message that we could all learn from. The fact that less than a quarter of residents can claim Hawaiian heritage and yet they go by the philosophy, “Live here long enough and we’ll call you Hawaiian too”, is an inspiration. So many people are originally from immigrant backgrounds if they look back far enough—but often seem to forget that when offering prejudiced views.

JULIETTE BARKER, Leicestershire

MAX IS RIGHT

As someone who’s worked as an education professional for the last 20 years, I have to agree with the comments made by Dr Max Pemberton in “A False Economy”.

For a variety of reasons—not least the rise of social media—anxiety and depression are huge problems for teens and young people in our society.

Well-being and mindfulness may sound like mere “buzzwords”, but they’re of growing importance to the young people in our schools today— in a world where suicide rates appear to be on the rise.

Education needs to be a holistic experience, which is not merely focused on grades; this is sadly at odds with a world obsessed with league tables. KATE BLACKMORE, Gwent

A HEALTHY READ

I wish to thank you for your superb article “When Medicines Do More Harm Than Good”. I’ve been a constant user of proton-pump inhibitors—including omeprazole, which you mentioned—for seven years. My symptoms have ranged from a slight acid reflux to a most excruciating pain, which goes on for hours and which nothing can shift. Alerted by your article, I recently saw a young doctor who sent me for an ultrasound scan, which revealed my gallbladder is completely full of stones—hence the excruciating pain. I’ve completely stopped taking the PPIs, making me feel better than I have for ages, and am presently awaiting further tests. This is all thanks to Reader’s Digest.

CHRISTINE WALKER, Cumbria

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SEE THE WORLD

Turn the page

...DIFFERENTLY

The sunflower isn’t only so named because it resembles the celestial body—the plant is also heliotropic, meaning it turns toward the sun’s light as it arches across the sky.

Although this usually yellowblooming beauty originates from North America, today it’s at home all around the globe. In fact, the tallest-known sunflower came from Germany—reaching more than nine metres in height. It was so much taller than the flower’s average height of two metres that it made it into the book of Guinness World Records in 2015.

Olly Mann fought the lure of television— until his son entered “The Witching Hour”

The Digital Babysitter

Olly Mann is a writer, radio presenter and serial podcaster, with shows including Answer Me This!, The Media Podcast and The Modern Mann

FOR A YEAR, I RESISTED IT. I pretended it didn’t exist. I promised my mother I wouldn’t succumb. But here I am— watching children’s TV with my one-year-old.

The current advice from the American Academy of Paediatrics is that no child under 18 months should be exposed to any screen time—and, when my son Harvey was born last year, that’s the advice I intended to observe. I don’t especially value the wisdom of Yankee child-experts over their European counterparts, but that US advice was quoted in dozens of terrifying news articles that emerged during our pregnancy, and so burned its way into my subconscious.

Their primary concern is that whilst a baby’s neural pathways are being formed, he or she can’t contextualise bright colours and sounds, and so the merest glimpse of the gogglebox may overstimulate them to oblivion.

The other reason for the advice is to encourage eye contact between parents and baby during crucial bonding moments such as breastfeeding.

S O FOR T h E

FIRST SI x m O n T h S, whenever I was in charge of giving Harvey a bottle, I’d suppress the temptation to watch Good Morning Britain, and would instead flick on the radio—in so doing, I’d keep looking at him and not the telly, yet still receive entertainment in audio form.

This sufficed for a couple of months, but then Harvey

stopped looking back at me, and became more interested in other sitting-room activities, such as eating wood chips from the fire grate, banging fists on the windowpane, or slapping the cat in the face with Lego.

Before I knew it, I found myself whipping my smartphone from my pocket to check in with social media—which of course was more isolating than occasionally glancing up at the TV, as it’s something

Harvey couldn’t share in at all. So to keep Facebook at bay, I began turning on Good Morning Britain, after all—and Harvey didn’t seem to notice. (To him, hitting the cat remained more interesting. Susannah Reid is an adult taste.)

From 9am, though, the TV remained firmly off, and Harvey’s days were filled with Stickle Bricks, songs and soft play. But then 6pm would come along. 6pm was a nightmare: a tad too early to initiate the prebedtime bath-storymilk ritual; a tad too late to expend more energy on playtime. 6pm brought daily tantrums, despite the fact my son is, typically, a delightful chap (in my view. Obviously the cat has a different perspective). We tried strapping him into a fun bouncy seat—he rolled over and cried hysterically. We experimented with a trip to the adventure playground: he rubbed mud in his eyes and face-planted some concrete. We started referring to 6pm as “The Witching Hour”.

Harvey’s daily tantrums using the most obvious intervention: the digital babysitter.

“Ah, but no!” I proudly (smugly) explained. “The American Academy of Pediatrics says no screen time before 18 months.”

My friend was incredulous. “Have you seen kids’ TV in America?”, he said. “It’s full of bright neon and ads for theme parks and rock soundtracks and precocious children. No-one should have to endure that at any age! But try CBeebies. It’s totally different. It’ll chill him out. It’s the only thing that works.”

Such is the hypnotic power of the nightly shows during Bedtime Hour that, even at the age of 36, I find myself relaxing

I mentioned this to a mate of mine, also father to a one-year-old, who was astounded—genuinely, completely flabbergasted—that we hadn’t even attempted to cure

S O T h AT n I gh T at 6pm, I put the Duplo down, and turned on the magic rectangle. Harvey was transfixed. As it turns out, The Witching Hour is “Bedtime Hour” on CBeebies—a strand of programmes specifically designed to send little ones off to sleep. There’s a particularly unsubtle song that airs at six sharp, in which all the participants enthusiastically don pyjamas, and then follows a slew of shows that revolve around resting, dreaming, sleeping and DO YOU GET THE IDEA NOW KIDS? GO TO BED AND GIVE YOUR PARENTS A

BREAK. But these are enchanting programmes, evidently made by experts who understand the needs of their audience—even the section of that audience that’s under 18 months old.

Harvey now goes to bed with a smile on his face. Indeed, such is the hypnotic power of the repetition and familiarity of the nightly shows during Bedtime Hour that, even at the age of 36, I feel myself physically relaxing when the theme tune to the Clangers comes on. The end sequence of In The Night Garden virtually has me in a state of narcolepsy. It’s true public service: in a few short months I’ve become as passionate about

CBeebies as an ardent Archers fan is about Radio 4.

My friend was dead right about the American stuff, too—one evening we accidentally scrolled a few channels down to the Disney Channel and, after just a few seconds of watching three computer-generated princesses racing each other in go-karts, Harvey started jumping up and down and destroying the furniture as if he’d been injected with Red Bull.

CBeebies, though, is a triumph of which the nation should be proud, and, in moderation, now seems to me a legitimate, actively helpful parenting technique. Goodnight parents, everywhere.

FATHERLY FUN

Twitter users share their dad’s best joke:

“every time the doorbell rang my dad would shout, ‘everybody, act normal!’ loud enough for the person outside to hear it.”

“His fortune cookie told him to embrace his mistakes. Next thing I know, he leans over and hugs me.”

“dad broke his wrist and asked the nurse if he’d be able to play the piano. When she said yes, he said, ‘Great! I couldn’t play before!’ ”

“Every time we pass by the cemetery, my dad says, ‘People are dying to get in there!’ ”

“once I said, ‘dad, I’ve been thinking...’

To which he replied, ‘I thought I smelled something burning.’ ”

“My dad told me he swallowed some scrabble pieces and ‘wasn’t looking forward to his next vowel movement.’ ”

SOURCE: BOREDPANDA.COM

Films

by e va mackevic Movie of the Month

■ comedy mindhorn

This off-beat, farcical tale of hubris, crisis and redemption pays tribute to the best of British comedy from the past 15 years. Julian Barratt stars as Richard Thorncroft—a washed-up actor whose only claim to fame was playing the whacky TV cop Mindhorn in the 1980s. Three decades later, he finds himself bald, overweight and (unsuccessfully) advertising socks. When a crazed killer fixated on Mindhorn threatens the safety of the people of Isle of Man, he gets an unlikely chance to redeem his career. But will he succeed? Full of great gags and familiar faces—including Steve Coogan and Simon Farnaby—Mindhorn is a fantastically goofy, self-deprecating ode to The Mighty Boosh and Alan Partridge.

■ thriller: miss sloAne Jessica Chastain is the heavy lipstick-wearing, cold-blooded lobbyist who, having quit her job at a conservative firm, goes up against the gun industry and will stop at nothing to win. A slightly clichéd string of walking-and-talking shots peppered with intrigue and verbal sparring, Miss Sloane is an entertaining political drama that’ll go down a treat if you shed your cynicism and watch with an open mind.

■ family: A dog’s purpose

Let’s be frank: this puppy-fuelled family drama shamelessly exploits our love of dogs, pulling every old trick in the book. It greedily tugs at our heartstrings with saccharine voiceovers and dialogues. Yet, despite being acutely aware of this, one cannot help but wholeheartedly fall for the fuzzy protagonist as he searches for the meaning of his existence, and tries his best to bring happiness into his many owners’ lives.

Julian Barratt co-wrote the screenplay with his Mighty Boosh co-star Simon Farnaby

This will be the first of three additional films

■ sci-fi: Alien: covenAnt Director Ridley Scott returns with the sixth instalment of the iconic Alien film franchise. Following on from the events of the last prequel Prometheus, the film sees the crew of the colony ship Covenant on a mission to a remote planet, which they expect to be an uncharted paradise. Instead, what they find is a dark threat beyond their imagination. Michael Fassbender reprises his role as a synthetic android.

■ drama: frAntz If thoughtfulness and sumptuous silence is what you’re after, Frantz is the film to watch this month. Directed by the perpetually inventive French director François Ozon, it tells the story of a young German woman grieving the death of her fiancé in the aftermath of the Second World War. When she meets a Frenchman who claims to be her fiancé’s wartime friend, things begin to look up—yet nothing can prepare her for the sad secret he holds. A stunning piece of cinema loaded with emotion and understated beauty.

On Your Radar Karen Taylor, greeting card writer

Watching: heartbeat I love the Sixties, Yorkshire’s scenic backdrop and the amazing fashion and music.

Reading: Apple tree Yard by louise doughty The TV drama compelled me to read the book— it’s a gripping story of one woman’s moment of madness.

Online: ebay Can my wardrobe take any more chunky vintage jumpers?!

l

istening: the Archers

I’ve recently been introduced to this long-running radio soap and I’m now addicted to the omnibus edition every Sunday morning on BBC Radio 4.

Fancy appearing in this section? Send your current cultural favourites, along with short descriptions, to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk

in the Alien prequel series

turn up the Quiet by diana krall

Music by e va mackevic Album of the Month

The latest record from “the queen of jazz”

Diana Krall is a nifty collection of jazz standards, offering a nostalgic throwback to the snazzy old sounds of the 40s and 50s. Krall’s delivery is comfortingly traditional: joyful and in-the-moment, yet assured and expertly controlled. Her characteristically husky vocals—though sensual and sultry—maintain a laid-back coolness channelling Sinatra-style swagger. Turn Up the Quiet is a title that sets the tone perfectly for this album: the instrumentation here is low-key and sparing: every double bass note and every snare brush has its own special purpose, aiming to accentuate and play off Krall’s bewitching performance. Her take on the Cumbia classic “Sway” is an absolute showstopper: slow, dramatic and sexy, it allows every sound— from a quiver of a lip to a click of the tongue—to take the spotlight. An absolute must for any fan of swanky pre-bop and smoky shoebox jazz clubs. Key tracks: “Night and Day”, “I’m Confessin’”, “Sway”

On Our Radar

fowey festival of art & literature, may 6–13. Enter Daphne du Maurier’s world and admire the beautiful Cornish countryside. Visit visitcornwall. com for details.

tall ships festival in Gloucester, may 27–29. Enjoy a nautical time with pirates, games and sea shanties. Visit thecityofgloucester. co.uk for details.

like this? yoU may also like... Julie is her name by Julie london Venture some 60 years back and you can easily mistake songstress Julie London’s 1955 debut album for a vintage incarnation of Krall. London’s unmistakable femme fatale seductivenes is the only thing that belies its true identity.

1940s Weekend at the east lancashire railway, may 27–29. Shine your shoes and party like it’s 1949 aboard a restored steam train with cocktails and live music. Visit visitlancashire.com for details.

Between Lines the

From model to movie star, Charlotte Rampling has long been in the public eye. Yet it’s the secrets of her childhood that take the spotlight in her first-ever memoir

BY EVA MACKEVIC

BETWEEN THE LINES

A FASHION AND BEAUTY ICON OF THE SWINGING SIXTIES ,

Charlotte Rampling became a household name in 1966 with her breakthrough role in Georgy Girl. Her feline, heavy-lidded eyes defined many European art-house films, in which she took on provocative roles including a concentration camp survivor, a neurotic and a monkey paramour. Her latest creative venture is a short autobiographical memoir entitled Who I Am, in which she talks about her childhood, family and the events that changed her forever.

Her mysterious demeanour and brooding gaze, coined “The Look”, were the reason why many directors wanted her in their films. In person, Charlotte lives up to every bit of this icy reputation. Sitting in a London restaurant, she looks effortlessly cool in a white shirt and timeless black suit when I meet her, oozing quiet confidence and nonchalance. Does she identify with this “ice queen” image ascribed to her?

“Not in my deep, interior me, but yes, with other people. When I’m with people I trust, I’m very lovable and funny. But that’s just when I’m feeling trustful—I don’t feel it very much with other people. I’ll be absolutely fine and nice but it won’t go much further than that. I don’t really know why. That’s what happened—I became that person,” she says unemotionally, sipping on a tall latte.

How did she become that person? That’s one of the things she ponders in her first autobiography—a poetic collection of memories reaching back to some of her earliest years. “I think

what fascinates me about childhood is the ‘not knowing’. You’re beginning to grow up and start to understand a few things—but very little, so the hopes, dreams and possibilities are all so huge and terrifying.”

Charlotte’s own childhood was a mixed bag. The daughter of Isabel, a painter, and Godfrey, an Army officer in the Royal Artillery, she and her sister Sarah moved around a lot as children. Some of her happiest memories are those of living in France as a young teenager.

“There was a real sense of natural freedom. We went to school on bicycles, we lived next to the forest, had a lovely dog. My mother used to listen to all these musicals—we knew them all by heart. And then rock came in and there was Bill Haley.”

Her face lights up as she starts singing the lyrics to “Rock Around the Clock”: “One, two, three o’clock, four o’clock, rock; five, six…” “I’d never heard music like that before, I think I was 12”, she adds, giggling.

Yet the idyllic life in France wasn’t

Charlotte was close to her older sister Sarah. Her suicide flipped her life upside down; (below) Dirk Bogarde, her co- star in The Night Porter called her mysterious and sensitive image “The Look”, which became her trademark in the 1960s

the defining feature of her childhood. Though she was looked after well, her parents are frequently presented as cold and reserved in the book. One passage describes Charlotte’s father taking his wife’s diaries she’d kept since she was 12, along with hundreds of letters and photos, and stuffing them into a bag, putting them all out on the pavement, without saying a word.

“It’s only later on in life that we look back and we realise that it was actually

Charlotte Rampling stars alongside Jim Broadbent in The Sense of an Ending. She identified with her character Veronica’s spikiness

more difficult than it appeared to be. But the child doesn’t feel that—it’s just getting on with life. In that sense there weren’t any dramas, but actually there were, because there are always things written between the lines.”

THE EVENT THAT WOULD WOUND

Charlotte the most was her beloved sister’s suicide. At the of 23, she shot herself in Argentina, after giving birth prematurely. Her father kept the cause of her death under wraps for three years, claiming it was a brain haemorrhage in an attempt to protect the family from pain. It was a lifealtering event for Charlotte that marked the beginning of her numerous bouts of depression.

“It goes inside and then does you a

lot of damage. And there’s nothing you can do about it”, she lowers her voice and her eyes avoid mine for the first time in our conversation. “You go into a form of denial and you keep going—you’re working, you get married, you have babies—but there’s something that’s damaged inside you. And at that time there wasn’t really counselling. I went to see a therapist after a little while but I couldn’t do it.”

She stops for a lengthy silence. “So, you just go on. And the reason I had the depression was that there was a lot of that damage that was just building up and eventually the body just goes, Wait a minute...and then you need to set about understanding how to repair yourself. It took me a very long time.”

Her normally deep voice goes more and more quiet until her words become almost inaudible and another hefty pause follows. “It comes slowly, almost like you’ve got somebody living inside you that’s just waiting. So it’s an on-going thing, slowly, slowly, until it gets you and you actually can’t function anymore.”

I ask her whether writing the book felt therapeutic, referring to the ending in which she describes her son phoning her from her sister’s grave in Argentina.

“I think so, but I didn’t know that this book was about her at all. It wasn’t meant to be. When I got this call, I said, ‘Well, that’s it. That’s the book.’ He’d gone there in my place. I’d never been to her grave, because nothing had been ritualised at all about her death. No body, no funeral, no nothing, she just— poof—disappeared.”

necessarily thinking about being happy, but you felt it.”

It’s surprising to discover that acting doesn’t bring her much joy. Although she’s been very active, recently appearing in ITV drama Broadchurch and an adaptation of a Julian Barnes novel, The Sense of an Ending, her approach to work is complicated. “I take pleasure in having worked, usually not in the work. It’s something that I want to do, but the actual work—when you’re working—it’s not pleasurable for me. But working is what I need to do.”

I’d rather be doing my weird paintings than acting. But I’ve done it for a long time and I’ll keep doing it

When asked if she feels happy these days, Charlotte gives an ambiguous answer. “I think happiness is a state like sadness, where you can be in a funk, feel a bit down, feel anxious, feel tired or happy—there are all these things.

“Suddenly I’ll feel happy, suddenly wow...and it’s a great feeling. And then ten minutes later all these things are happening and you’re not

She looks for the right words as she chews over her answer. “It’s just uncomfortable. I’d rather be doing my weird paintings than acting. But I do it well and I’ve done it for a long time and I’ll keep doing it. Finding roles that really make me feel uncomfortable—it has to be sort of spiky and difficult, otherwise it won’t interest me.”

Her latest film The Sense of an Ending falls under this category. Charlotte stars as Veronica Ford— a woman haunted by a painful past. “Veronica’s really spiky. She always was a woman who did things in her own way and didn’t care what the consequences were. Not a great person, but an interesting character.

There’s a lot of her in me. Those are the things that I prefer working on— the things that I recognise in myself.”

This spikiness has been present ever since her earliest roles in controversial films such as The Night Porter and The Damned, which earned her an edgy reputation. “I’ve done quite a lot of things in the sense of showing and photography. It doesn’t matter to me. If that’s what I think I should be doing, I’ll do it—I don’t need anybody’s approval. That’s a strong mechanism I have. I’ve done it and I’ll accept the consequences. Not going to whinge now,” she laughs.

She slowed down when she was in her late twenties, after meeting her second husband, musician Jean Michel Jarre. “That’s when I really backed off. I just wanted a home, a family and to live as normally as I could, which we did for quite a while. I still went off to do films, but I always came back to that beautiful house,

with animals and the kids. That meant that I sacrificed a lot of roles because I just didn’t want to go away.” Their marriage was publicly dissolved in 1997 and she was later engaged to a French communications tycoon JeanNoël Tassez until his death in 2015.

SO DID SHE REVEAL all her secrets in her memoir? Charlotte doesn’t think so—as there are many things that haven’t yet been revealed even to herself. “There are all sorts of areas inside ourselves that aren’t investigated and if we start to meditate on them, that’s when they start to come up.

“Things that weigh on my soul have been such a big part of my life that I’d probably feel a bit odd without anything weighing on my soul”, she smiles.

Charlotte Rampling’s Who I Am (Icon Books, £9.99) is out now.

DECONSTRUCTING SHAKESPEARE

You may have heard of Hamlet, but did you know these facts about the Bard?

He was born and died on the same day (April 23).

He invented about 1,700 words we use today.

The letter u as an abbreviation for “you” was first used by him.

His daughter was illiterate.

The name “Jessica” first appeared in his play The Merchant of Venice.

SOURCE: FACTSLIDES.COM

TO THOSE WHO ARE VULNERABLE AND ALONE, I LEAVE COMPASSION, REASSURANCE AND HOPE

When you write or update your will, please remember the work of the British Red Cross.

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Charley Boorman, 50, was an actor before becoming a modern-day adventurer and motorbike fanatic, joining Ewan McGregor in hit TV travel shows Long Way Round and Long Way Down

“I Remember” Charley Boorman

...BEING BRIBED TO STAR IN MY FIRST MOVIE, AGED FOUR. When my father, the film director John Boorman, was shooting Deliverance, he needed me to act as Jon Voight’s son when Jon’s character returns home at the end of the film. Dad told me he’d get me a tricycle if I did everything as he said. In order to get me to look in the right place, the crew moved the tricycle around behind the camera. I only had eyes for that cherry-red bike with its yellow flames.

...AN AMAZING CHILDHOOD. We moved to Wicklow in Ireland and it seemed like heaven to me; we had a

big house and a garden and I’d run wild around the countryside. We had chickens and a couple of horses. I’d go to horse shows with my twin sister Daisy but we were always the worst turned out, with bits of wire holding our bridles together.

...EDUCATING MY TEACHERS ABOUT DYSLEXIA. I was incredibly fortunate to have been diagnosed young when we were living in LA. The US was years ahead of the UK in spotting and understanding dyslexia so, when I went to school in Ireland, I had to explain to my teachers that my forgetfulness and reading difficulties

had nothing to do with being thick. Nowadays I listen to a lot of spoken word and that has opened up a whole new world for me later in my life.

...REALISING MOTORBIKES WERE LESS BOTHER THAN HORSES.

There was a guy with a motorbike in our village and, when I was about ten, he let me ride it—it was incredible! I soon worked out that the best

Charley at the Dubai Literary Festival, 2015; (right) with his twin sister Daisy during the shooting of Deliverance

As a young boy with his dad John Boorman at their family home. Charley’s father is a successful film director with five Oscar nominations to his name

thing was that you could ride a motorbike and then park it up with absolutely none of the palaver associated with horses, such as mucking out and rubbing down. My transition from beast to bike began as laziness but motorbikes were to become my life’s passion. Some of my best childhood memories involve exploring the Wicklow mountains on my Yamaha DT100 off-road bike with my friends.

...SEAN CONNERY ON OUR LAWN.

There were a lot of famous people around when I was a kid but Sean’s son Jason became one of my greatest

friends. He was older than me and one day we found this little monkey bike and he bullied me to push him around on it for hours. Eventually we got it started and he gave me a go. I rode it past my dad and Sean on the lawn, as proud as can be. With lightning reaction my dad grabbed my hair and pulled me off the bike—seconds before it went careering into a barbed wire fence I hadn’t noticed.

...FROLICKING WITH BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN BRAZILIAN RIVERS.

Being cast as the lead in The Emerald Forest and finding myself, at 17 years old and newly out of boarding school, being paid to cavort around with lovely—mostly naked—girls is, funnily enough, a very happy memory of mine. Actually, it was a tough shoot because my dad was the director and so I had to be on the ball at all times.

...BEING GOBSMACKED BY MY WIFE’S BEAUTY.

Olivia and I got married in 1990 in a small church in London, lit by hundreds of candles and with all our guests squeezed in the pews. Waiting at the altar I turned around as Olivia began her walk down the aisle; I’ll never forget how wonderful she looked that day. Jason

Waiting at the altar I turned around as Olivia began her walk down the aisle; I’ll never forget how wonderful she looked

(Connery) was my best man but he’d forgotten to arrange the car to take us from church to reception. We had to ring a local minicab firm and this marvellous guy with massive dreadlocks showed up and was so happy for us.

...LOTS OF PAINTING AND DECORATING. Not for fun but as a way to earn much-needed money during the first ten years of our marriage. Being dyslexic made auditions very hard—I’d get stressed if I were handed something to read I hadn’t seen before. I’d do the odd film here and there and it was on the set of The Serpent’s Kiss that I first met Ewan McGregor.

We discovered a mutual love of motorbikes and quickly became firm friends. We planned a trip and TV series which would take us from London to New York on bikes— but going eastward via Europe, Asia, Russia and Canada, passing through 12 countries

and covering 19,000 miles. It was called Long Way Round.

...A SCARY EVENING WITH GUNS. In Ukraine Ewan and I were invited to dinner at this guy’s house and we went along to find that all the other guests had turned up fully armed and that the house was full of machine guns. As the vodka started flowing I thought, Are we going to get bumped off if we don’t entertain them properly? But of course they all turned out to be lovely people.

With sister Daisy and his cherished Yamaha DT100 off-road bike

...MOMENTS OF JOY AND MISERY.

Watching the sun go down one evening over a pink, light-infused lake with wild horses galloping across the fabulous landscape was a high point in our travels. But when it rained for days on end and I felt I was never going to get dry or warm again, I did wonder whose insane idea the trip had been. And then I’d remember it was mine.

...CHILDREN LIVING IN SEWERS

IN MONGOLIA. We went to visit a number of UNICEF projects during the filming of both Long Way Round and Long Way Down. We were deeply moved by UNICEF’s humanitarian work.

In Ulaanbaatar, the capital of

With his daughters and wife Olivia at The Glebe Vicarage; (below) with one of his best friends Ewan McGregor— they’ve travelled thousands of miles together

Mongolia, we met street children who live in the underground caverns where sewer and heating pipes kept them warm against temperatures that can drop to –30C outside. We filmed their “homes” on little ledges between the pipes—it was incredibly heart-breaking to see young children living like this. I’ve been an ambassador for UNICEF for many years now.

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer so I’m forever grateful to my wife for knowing my private bits so well

wife for knowing my private bits so well. It’s drummed into women to check their breasts regularly but it’s just as important for men to do the same with their testicles.

...RIDING ALONGSIDE

...THE BRUTAL HEAT IN AFRICA. Ewan and I rode our motorbikes from Scotland to South Africa in 2007 for Long Way Down. It’s hard to describe just how hot it was at times; we had to pour water over ourselves, it was difficult to breathe and our nostrils were burning. I remember driving through Sudan’s dry and barren landscape and getting to the Ethiopian border.

As we passed through, everything seemed completely different—there were trees and it felt like the temperature dropped as dramatically as buildings suddenly appeared and the tarmac changed colour.

...A VISIT TO THE VET CHANGED

MY LIFE. Olivia had taken our dog Ziggy to the vet, who checked his testicles and told her one of them felt a bit odd. Olivia said, “That’s funny, one of my husband’s testicles feels a bit strange too.” The vet told her to make sure I went to the doctor straight away.

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer so I’m forever grateful to my

AUSTRALIAN POLICE CARS WITH OVER 1,000 MOTORCYCLISTS. The TV series By Any Means had me travelling around the world using different modes of transport. We put out a social media message asking if there were any bikers out there who would join me for the section on motorbike up the coast of New South Wales. So many turned up that the police had to escort us part of the way. That was a lot of fun.

...KNOWING SOPHIE THOMPSON WOULD BEAT ME IN CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF

. I took part in the show in 2014, partly because my old friend Jason Connery came over from LA for it and I thought it would be fun to join him and get competitive. I was amazed to get to the final three contestants, alongside Sophie and Jodie Kidd. During the final cook-off I took a look at what Sophie was preparing and, when I saw her wonderful starter of roulade of duck with juniper berries, I knew she’d win.

...THE WORST MOTORCYCLE CRASH OF MY

LIFE. In the past I’ve broken collarbones, ribs, fractured my spine and smashed up my hands—

but the injuries never stopped me for too long. Until last year in Portugal, when an attempt at overtaking a car went horribly wrong. The driver turned without indicating or seeing me, I got thrown off my motorbike and hit a wall at 25 miles per hour.

...APOLOGISING AS MY LEG LAY

SHATTERED BENEATH ME. With truly British manners I remember telling everyone who came to my rescue, “I’m so sorry, just give me 20 minutes and I’ll be up and fine.” But they looked at my left leg flopping ominously and said, “We don’t think so, Charley…” They were right. I’ve

had seven operations to put together both my broken legs—my left one was particularly badly smashed up and we’ve been lucky to save it. After the hospital I spent three months in bed at home and four months in a wheelchair. And I never stopped asking the doctors when I could get back on my bike. Well, you’ll do anything to get back to what you love doing in life most, won’t you?

As told to Caroline Hutton

Long Way Back, the official autobiography by Charley Boorman (£20, AA Publishing) is out now.

FEARSOME PUPS

These ferocious canines earned their “Beware of the Dog” sign:

SOURCE: RUNT-OF-THE-WEB.COM

The Low-Down On High-Tech Health

By S u SA nn AH H ick L ing

Susannah is twice winner of the Guild of Health Writers Best Consumer Magazine Health Feature

Remembe R when a vi Rus had more to do with your health than with your computer? We now have apps to help us keep fit but, at the same time, we have technology that means we rarely have to crawl off the couch. So have these innovations changed our lives for the better or for the worse?

SmArTpHonES The iPhone, celebrating its tenth birthday this year, changed everything. Smartphones provide a platform for apps and risk calculators that help us stay hale and hearty, and we can search for health advice on Google whenever we need it. But being connected at all times can be a curse—it leads to stress, blue-light related sleep problems and “tech neck”, which causes head, neck and arm problems.

STrEAming With the advent of services such as iPlayer, we can watch our favourite shows for hours on end. Trouble is, it’s not just “i” for internet—but “i” for idleness! That said, there’s been a recent counter-revolution against sedentary behaviour with the arrival of standing desks and greater awareness of the need to take regular exercise.

Swiping rigHT Dating apps offer all age groups more chances of happiness than ever before. But there’s been a recent rise in sexually transmitted infections in people aged

between 50 and 70, and online dating is thought to be one of the culprits. So by all means opt for new-fangled ways of meeting partners, but don’t forget good old-fashioned protection!

HEALTH TrAckErS Today we can buy wristbands to count our steps and use apps to track weight loss, but they’re only as good as the motivation of the person using them. For example, a University of Pittsburgh study found that overweight people who weren’t supplied with a fitness tracker lost more weight than the participants who were! Plus it should be noted that they’re not always accurate.

SociAL mEdiA There’s some evidence that if you have lots of Facebook friends, you live longer. And, generally, people who have friends have better health. However, the same research has also found that looking at the posts of your pals who seem to be having more fun than you can make you feel depressed. Yet another reason to spend less time connected if you value your health.

if you’ve got... one hour: Find a massage therapist through a site such as therapy-directory. co.uk and your masseur will turn up at your home with their own table. A one-hour session promotes blood and lymphatic fluid circulation, speeding up the removal of metabolic waste and blasting toxins from the body.

15 minutes: You’ll be amazed at how quickly a soothing bath can ease muscle aches and bruises. Add a cup of epsom salts (magnesium sulphate) to your bath and relax while the salts work on tired joints and help smooth your skin.

60 seconds: can you only squeeze in a quick shower? Don’t despair. take a minute with a dry skin brush beforehand. using long strokes, start with your feet and work upwards to your arms and chest, brushing in the direction of your heart. this quick self-massage can help with lymphatic drainage, exfoliation and stress relief.

5 Facts About Lyme Disease

Ticks are hard to spot. From late spring onwards, ticks—the insects that spread lyme disase—will be lurking in grassy and wooded places in wild areas of the uk such as exmoor, rural hampshire, the south Downs, the lake District and the scottish highlands. they may be as small as a poppy seed.

Lyme disease is difficult to diagnose. known as “the great imitator”, lyme disease can be misdiagnosed as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, chronic fatigue syndrome and many other diseases. current blood testing methods are not entirely accurate, so two tests are used. A test can be negative in the early stages but you can also get false positive results.

Treatment can be tricky. the sooner you get antibiotics the better, but doctors don’t always recognise the common symptoms—fever, chills, headache, fatigue and joint pain—and not everyone has the telltale bullseye rash at the tick entry point.

It’s easy to check for ticks. Get outside and enjoy the warmer weather, but wear long trousers, preferably tucked into socks, and keep to footpaths and out of the long grass. Afterwards do a full-body check for ticks. If you find one attached to your skin, get it out using tweezers, grasping it close to the skin without squeezing it.

mEn’S HEALTH

SAvE your own Skin

According to a recent study in the British Journal of Cancer, working in the sun might be responsible for five new cases of skin cancer a week. Those at high risk of contracting malignant melanoma, the deadliest form of the disease, are construction workers, farm workers, police officers and members of the armed forces—all male-dominated professions. So, sunny Jims, be aware that it’s not just holidaymakers to exotic climes who are at risk, and make sure you follow these simple tips to protect yourself from harmful rays:

• watch your shadow. If it’s shorter than you are tall, it’s time to pile on the SPF.

• use sunscreen with an sPF of at least 30 with high UVA protection but don’t rely on it entirely—it won’t provide complete protection.

• make sure you also cover up if you’re spending a lot of time outdoors. Always opt for long-sleeved shirts, long trousers and a widebrimmed hat.

Flex Your Mental Muscle

Physical activity does wonders for boosting your brainpower, and could stave off dementia. And the good news is that it’s never too late to start. But what exercise is best?

wALking

We lose muscle mass as we age; that applies to brain mass too. But according to a recent study in Frontiers in Aging Neuroscience, cardio training such as brisk walking can actually increase the volume of the brain, including more neurons being generated in the hippocampus, which is key for both learning and memory. To get results, aim for 10,000 steps daily.

running

The same research points to running as another good exercise to improve cognitive powers. You should take part in cardio activities at least three days a week for the best protection.

dAncing

Whether it’s salsa, ballroom or ballet, your brain has to work harder to cope with all those steps and then anticipate the next moves. In a study

published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, elderly people who took part in a 40-minute aerobic dance class showed improved cognition when the class introduced new moves or a new dance sequence.

wEigHT TrAining

Research in older adults (aged 65 to 75) showed that weight training helped improve their white matter. White matter acts as a kind of “superhighway”, which allows signals to travel from one side of the brain to another.

But resistance training isn’t just good for prevention; it can benefit people already diagnosed with vascular cognitive impairment (VCI), caused by inadequate blood flow through the brain. In one study, people with VCI who did weight training twice a week showed better memory and muscle power, and reduced white-matter atrophy.

THE NUTRITION CONNECTION

How To Control Cravings

BY FIONA HICKS

Fiona studies

Naturopathic Nutrition at the College of Naturopathic Medicine, and is a member of the Nutrition Society

MANY OF US CRAVE FOOD when we’re not hungry— but there are ways of keeping those hankerings at bay:

FOCUS ON FIBRE. Eschew the white stuff (such as bread and pasta) for wholemeal versions. A trial reported in Diabetes Care found that eating a high-fibre diet decreased the amount of sugar in the blood after meals, preventing the blood-sugar crashes that have you racing to eat more.

SPRINKLE WITH CINNAMON. One study found that just a quarter-teaspoon of this naturally sweet spice reduced blood-sugar levels by up to 20 per cent. Try it sprinkled

BEST IN SEASON: ASPARAGUS

Why eat it? Asparagus is brimming with antiinflammatory nutrients, such as saponins, quercetin and kaempferol. These can reduce the risk of several chronic health problems, including heart disease and type-2 diabetes.

How to cook it? Simple is best! Steam for 4–5 minutes and top with some good-quality butter or— if you’re feeling decadent—some homemade hollandaise sauce.

over your porridge in the morning, or enjoy a mid-afternoon cinnamon tea.

UP YOUR ESSENTIAL-FAT INTAKE.

Heart-healthy sources of fats—such as oily fish, avocados and nuts—fill you up and keep you sated, thus staving off the desire to snack. Mash some avocado on wholemeal toast for a quick lunch.

DRINK UP. It’s easy to confuse hunger pangs with the your body’s desire for water. A good tip is to drink a glass of still water, wait 15 minutes, and see if you still feel the need to eat.

PAIR WITH PROTEIN. Protein takes a long time to digest, which means that when you pair it with a good source of

carbohydrate, you’ll remain satiated. With this in mind, if you simply can’t do without a snack, opt for a piece of fresh fruit with some protein-rich nuts.

ADD A DASH OF VINEGAR. Several studies have shown that vinegar slows stomach emptying, keeping you full for longer. Make sure you choose a low-sugar option, such as apple cider vinegar, and drizzle over your dishes.

LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC. We often feel compelled to eat when we’re bored. An easy way to conquer this is to stimulate your other senses. Look at some beautiful paintings, listen to your favourite song or get your hands busy making something (though preferably not a cake!).

Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. To mark Mental Health Awareness Week, one brave mother opens up about her own ordeal—and how she’s bringing awareness to a hidden condition

My Son’s Suicide

BY JOANNA LANE

Our son Chris lay dead on the mortuary slab. Suicide. He was 31. I couldn’t believe it—I’d phoned him only two nights ago and everything had seemed normal. And now, his cold face, his dear familiar mouth that would never say anything again. Only his eyebrows felt alive, and I stroked them. It was the start of unending grief for us all.

PHOTO: © SHUTTERSTOCK

I tried to get my head round this dreadful thing that had robbed us of him.

The Office of National Statistics states that the most likely cause of death for a man under 45 in the UK is suicide. The number of women who end their own lives is growing, but still in 2014, 76 per cent of the suicides were male. There were over 6,000 suicides that year, and over a third of them were young men like Chris. I was staggered. I’d never imagined such numbers.

Patti Boyle, a solicitor from Coulsdon, Surrey, who lost her 26-year-old son Kevin in 2012, says, “Nothing in life prepares you for the

devastating impact an event like this has on family and friends— and there’s very little help.

“That terrible time is indelibly engraved in our minds. Kevin was one of Jamie Oliver’s trainee chefs and he was doing well, but he was inconsolable after being diagnosed with diabetes and believed his career would be over. He told me he was going back to work and went off clutching a brown envelope that had been delivered to our house the afternoon before. But he never came back.

“We were frantic with worry and went searching everywhere he could possibly have gone. Goodbye letters

Chris was Joanna’s only son; (right) mother and son together

arrived through the post to his friends and to us so we knew he was dead. A hundred and one days after his disappearance, his remains were found in shrubbery near The Downs. The brown envelope had contained a helium death mask ordered from a suicide website. His farewell letters said he’d been abused when he was tiny by our childminder’s son and this had preyed upon him.”

Patti at least had a reason, but we

head injuries could damage the pituitary gland—causing erectile dysfunction—and that this could be seriously under-diagnosed.

To salvage some good from his death I sorely needed a misison to channel my self-destructive grief into, and now I had one. If I could only warn people.

I read everything I could about the pituitary and emailed every headinjury charity, every suicide group.

HEAD INJURY TRIPLES SUICIDE

RISK—CHRIS HAD BEEN IN SPECIAL DANGER

had none. Chris hadn’t sent us any message. The only clue came when we found letters between him and his ex-girlfriend, which pointed to sexual difficulties.

I rang her. Yes, she said. He’d never managed full sex in all their four years together. He wouldn’t go to see a doctor.

I couldn’t bear to think of him failing, being humiliated and miserable for all that time, and I hadn’t guessed. My sister was convinced that a serious head injury he’d had aged seven might be the cause. She looked it up and sent me a life-changing email saying yes, research showed that childhood

I learned a lot. My bitterest discovery was when a suicide specialist sent me a Danish population study by Teasdale and Engberg, which showed that head injury tripled suicide risk. Chris had been in special danger, and we hadn’t known.

SLOWLY I PIECED together

information about the pituitary gland—this tiny blob of flesh, as much a part of Chris as his face and hands—which had apparently been so badly hurt. Dr Mark Porter, BBC’s Inside Health presenter, describes it as, “a small, vulnerable structure, critical for our well-being. It sits at the base of the brain where it

regulates the actions of eight different hormones, controlling everything from immunity and the thyroid gland, to normal growth, sex drive and fertility. It’s the conductor of the hormone orchestra—ensuring the right amount of the right hormones are released at the right time. Without it, chaos ensues.”

As Mr Antonio Belli, consultant neurosurgeon at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, puts it, “People would

head injuries—have some form of pituitary damage.”

According to him, there are about 10,000 head injuries a year needing intensive care, but close to a million head injuries overall. He points out that even a mild football concussion can cause it too, “possibly with similar rates to those seen in severe head injuries.”

Professor Thompson confirmed that hormone replacement can

HE’D SOUGHT HELP FOR HIS DEPRESSION, BUT THE HELP HADN’T BEEN THERE

notice lethargy, for example, feeling fatigued; muscle weakness; loss of libido; infertility and erectile dysfunction are common problems and heat or cold intolerance; in women, periods can stop. So it’s very small but it controls a wide range of processes in the body.”

Professor Chris Thompson from Beaumont Hospital Dublin, a world authority on pituitary damage, has published a series of studies showing that people with severe or moderate traumatic brain injury suffer “a onein-four hit rate.”

Mr Belli confirms this ratio: “We think probably about a quarter of all severe head injuries—but some people even say half of all severe

improve quality of life dramatically. If only Chris could have had that! I was frantic to reach all those people who might be suicidal and tell them.

Although I knew now that women were as vulnerable as men, I still visualised a young man in despair, whom I could save if I just reached him in time.

How many of them were out there?

Mr Belli says, “Some studies suggest a million, some half a million. We’re talking very large numbers.”

Yet NICE and the Royal Colleges of Medicine would not warn the medical fraternity, no matter how many emails I sent.

From Chris’s medical notes we found that although he’d never

Chris didn’t discuss his struggles with his family—and they weren’t detected by professionals; (below) Joanna is determined to raise awareness of pituitary damage

saw him should have been alerted— but wasn’t, even though psychiatrists are told to check for possible physical causes and their checklist includes head injury. Even his GP had noted “not currently sexually active” without probing further. Nobody picked it up; nobody knew.

talked to a medic about his impotence, he had sought help for his depression, more than once. He’d done his bit. The trouble was, the help hadn’t been there.

I traced his story in his notes, wishing I could rewind time. When he first sought help, his clinic at university should have noticed his past head injury and asked about his sex drive and other pituitary symptoms. Later a psychiatrist who

I WAS DETERMINED to lift this blanket of ignorance and get the life-saving information onto the internet. I suggested using Chris’s story to a scriptwriter and amazingly, Holby City featured it. I urged medical websites and head injury charities to post information, and gradually people with hypopituitarism started to write to me. They’d often tell me that they’d been misdiagnosed with fatigue illnesses, and had to persist, paying for private testing (the short test used by the NHS is unreliable).

One person who wrote was James Smith from Portsmouth. He says, “I was assaulted by a gang in 2007. I was unconscious for four days and afterwards my body healed quickly, but I was left unable to get up, sleep or speak coherently. I stopped working. My wife and I separated.

LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR LOVED ONES

BE AWARE of the triggers for suicide: relationship break-ups; bereavement; money worries; job or study stress; depression. Suicide in the family or a history of self-harm can be warning signs.

WATCH OUT for lethargy, tearfulness, abnormal sleeping or eating patterns, self-neglect, alcohol abuse, a tendency to withdraw from favourite activities or family and friends. Statements such as “I’m a waste of space” or “Nobody loves me” should ring alarm bells.

ENCOURAGE him or her to confide their feelings by choosing a good place and time, asking open-ended questions, setting out options without pressure and showing that you care.

REMEMBER depression and a lost sex drive can have a physical cause, especially after a head injury, and if hypopituitarism seems a possibility, get a referral to an endocrinologist. Read up on it beforehand so that you can argue your case. See headinjuryhypo.org.uk for details.

VISIT samaritans.org for more advice.

“This misery went on for five years—I tried to kill myself three times—and then, by chance, I consulted an endocrinologist about another issue. He took one look at me and said, “I know what’s wrong with you,” and diagnosed hypopituitarism. Testosterone helped greatly, but what really restored me was growth hormone replacement.” Now he’s back with his wife, they have a child, and he has a partnership in four businesses.

“If I hadn’t had help I’d be no further forward and probably—I hate to say it—dead.”

James tells me that during that suicidal time his mother sensed from phone calls that he wasn’t “right” and flew over from Australia to look after him. It’s probably thanks to her that he’s still here, because she saved him from that lethal pressure that contributes to so many male suicides—the imperative to be macho and sort out your own problems. That embargo we place on showing too much emotion.

We tend to reproach men for being like this, yet the fault lies with women too, for not giving them the space to open up. I didn’t give Chris enough chances to talk about his misery, even after his suicide attempt, and that haunts me always.

Jo with Chris and her daughters during happier times, on holiday in St Lucia

BUT THERE’S NO undoing the past, we have to go on. It’s eight years since Chris died and as a family I think we’ve weathered the pain and shock as best we can. We’ve none of us collapsed. My husband is still sought out for international projects, my younger daughter is a senior associate at London law firm, and my older daughter and her husband now have three lovely little girls, who delight and unite us.

I have written a book that exposes the reluctance of the medical establishment to engage with the catastrophe of pituitary damage, and it is a consolation to feel that my husband and I have used what we went through to save other people, so that Chris’s death isn’t all in vain.

I recently did a sum multiplying the number of head injuries a year by the rate of suicides among them, and those “extra” suicides came to between 60 and 90. If GPs kept a vigilant eye on these people, if pituitary damage was diagnosed properly—and if we all encouraged open communication with our loved ones—perhaps some of those suicides would be prevented. That would be a real legacy for Chris.

Mother of a Suicide: The Battle for the Truth Behind a Mental Health Cover-Up by Joanna Lane (Accent Press, £9.95) is out now.

Mental Heath Awareness Week runs from May 8–14. Visit mentalhealth.org.uk for details on how to get involved.

Me & Mrs Jones

BY MAX PEMBERTON

Max is a hospital doctor, author and newspaper columnist

MRS JONES WAS THE FIRST PATIENT I was let loose on when I started medical school—and I owe her a great debt. She was under my care for the first two years of my medical training, yet I knew very little about her. She was a thin, fraillooking lady, perhaps in her mid 70s. I never found out if she was married, what she did for a job or where she lived.

It might seem rather negligent not to know these basic facts, but it was through no fault of my own. I didn’t know anything about her life for one simple reason: Mrs Jones was dead, and had been dead for about three years before I made her acquaintance. Mrs Jones was, you see, the cadaver that I dissected over the first two years of my medical training.

Of course, her name wasn’t really Mrs Jones, but it seemed a little impolite to be wading through someone’s intestines without even knowing their name, so as a matter of courtesy I thought she should have one. “Me and Mrs Jones, we’ve got a thing going on,” went the song coming out of the radio as I unzipped the bag of my cadaver on my first day—and so she was christened.

A FEW WORDS ON RESPECT FOR THE DEAD from the professor, a scalpel, a dead body and a tome of anatomy to learn and we were off. “This is a bit weird,” someone on the next table said as we prepared to make our first incision.

BY PHILIP HACKETT

Someone on the other side of the room passed out. Someone else said they felt sick and promptly left.

But as the months passed I soon forgot that Mrs Jones had, in fact, once been alive. One day, though, she suddenly became very human again. I’d been dissecting Mrs Jones a good 18 months before I got around to the uterus. After I’d removed it, the anatomy professor came up to me: “If you look at the opening carefully, you’ll see that the angle indicates that this woman has had several children, probably three.”

I stared at Mrs Jones’ womb, lying in my hands, and I suddenly felt very strange. This woman, who I’d never met, had given me something incredibly precious that I’d begun to take for granted. Somewhere out

there she had three children who hadn’t been able to bury their mother yet, so that I could learn anatomy and become a doctor. Mrs Jones wasn’t a cadaver, she was a person; a mother, in fact.

AT MY GRADUATION the same professor came over to congratulate me. I explained the story about Mrs Jones to him, and recalled what he’d told me about her having children and how that had affected me all those years ago.

“Well,” he said, “at the beginning of your training you had a cadaver and managed to turn it into a person. Now you’re a doctor, the trick is to have a person and not turn them into a cadaver,” and he laughed, shook my hand and walked away.

MEDICAL MYTHS—BUSTED!

Bald Men Have High Levels Of Testosterone

WHERE DID THE MYTH COME FROM?

Male pattern baldness is incredibly common—with 85 per cent of men over the age of 50 showing signs of it—yet it’s only recently that we’ve understood the causes of this hair loss. In Hippocrates’ time, it was observed that boys who underwent castration didn’t go bald. Later, studies done in the 1960s on boys who’d been castrated showed that they had no testosterone—the male sex hormone—and didn’t go bald. And so the myth was born.

WHAT’S THE TRUTH?

While many bald men will tell you this is true, presumably in an attempt to prove their manliness and virility, it’s a myth. Testosterone is involved in male balding, but it’s not how much testosterone that’s important—rather how sensitive the hair follicles are to it. In a man’s body, testosterone is converted into a chemical that causes hair follicles to shrink, possibly by changing the blood flow to them. As the follicle shrinks, the hair gets finer and finer and eventually no hair is produced at all. Not all follicles are susceptible to this, which is why bald men can still grow beards.

SO WHAT CAN BE DONE?

There are some treatments, both in lotion and tablet form, that block the enzyme responsible for converting the testosterone. However, they must be used continuously—otherwise the hair loss resumes. You could opt for a costly hair transplant, or learn to love what nature has given you: bald can be beautiful.

BY DAVID HUMPHRIES

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The race is on for car manufacturers to create fully driverless vehicles— but are we ready for the ride?

to the Driving Future

BY CHRIS MENON

It was a sunny summer evening in 1996 and nine-year-old Imogen was standing with her mother and elder sister, waiting to cross the road as they made their way to the local swimming baths in Crouch End, London. Suddenly, a Mercedes veered towards them.

Ten days later, Imogen awoke from a coma in hospital. She’d been hit by the car’s wing mirror. Miraculously her sister, mother and a friend had managed to get out of the way unscathed. According to witnesses of the incident, the driver had been

by that driver’s carelessness, having battled depression and survived a brain haemorrhage in 2012.

“I have uncontrolled epilepsy, learning difficulties and significant memory impairment. I struggle a great deal with my spatial memory. I’m always getting lost and unable to recognise people, even friends I’ve known for decades. I volunteer at the moment. I tried to work at a retail store in Oxford Circus, but it was very hard and eventually I had to stop. I couldn’t remember where all the stock was located.”

MORE THAN 90 PER CENT OF ROAD ACCIDENTS ARE ATTRIBUTED TO HUMAN ERROR

talking on his mobile phone just before the accident happened. He never even stopped.

Fortunately a local doctor, who saw the crash from his window, rushed to provide help and CPR, which saved Imogen’s life before she was rushed to hospital.

It took three months before Imogen was able to return to school, but even then she continued to suffer longterm debilitating injuries, including slight brain damage that affected her memory. From being top of the class she slid to the bottom.

Twenty years later and Imogen is still living with the damage wrought

Nevertheless, Imogen fundraises for Brake, a charity dedicated to supporting those injured or bereaved by road crashes.

“If you don’t respect the power you have when you get behind the wheel of a vehicle—and give driving your full attention—then you could inflict enormous suffering on yourself or someone else. It’s awful that so many drivers think it’s OK to use their phone while driving, when someone could pay the price of their life for that call or text. Please don’t take your licence for granted; tune into road safety and never use technology at the wheel,” she advises.

Imogen now volunteers to help other victims; (below) in hospital shortly after the accident

accidents in 2015, resulting in 58 fatalities and 331 serious injuries.

TAKING THE WHEEL

Fortunately, semi-autonomous vehicles (Level 2 and above—see box overleaf) offer an opportunity to radically reduce the number of people injured in car accidents. Eventually, it’s hoped that full automation, or driverless cars, will virtually eliminate accidents.

In an effort to reduce the number of motorists using their mobiles, newly implemented laws dictate that those caught using their phones can receive six points on their licence, instead of three. Onthe-spot fines have also been doubled to £200.

Of course, mobile phone use is just one of several causes of accidents due to distraction (watching sat navs, eating and fiddling with the radio are others). According to the latest figures from the Department of Transport, in 2015, driver distraction was cited as a factor in nearly 3,000 crashes, which resulted in 61 fatalities and 384 serious injuries.

Similarly, driver fatigue was a contributory factor in 1,784 car

For example, among the latest technologies being introduced in semi-autonomous cars are driver-monitoring systems featuring eye-tracking and facial recognition. They’re able to monitor the driver and warn them if they’re showing signs of inattention or drowsiness. Toyota already has a basic system in its expensive Lexus LS, but a much more advanced system will debut in General Motors’ semi-autonomous CT6 Cadillac later this year.

If the Cadillac driver looks away from the road for more than two seconds or shows signs of dozing off, the car will alert them with an escalating series of visual, audible and tactile warnings, including seat shaking. If these alerts are ignored, the car will pull itself over and stop. The driver will then receive a call from an advisor at Cadillac’s OnStar emergency service.

The state of the art eye-tracking and facial recognition system in this

Cadillac was developed by an Australian company called Seeing Machines. Its technology is expected to debut in over 15 vehicle models from General Motors, launching between 2018–19.

Many other car manufacturers will launch semi-autonomous vehicles with such driver monitoring systems incorporated from 2018, helping drivers to avoid accidents.

James Hodgson, industry analyst at ABI Research, argues that drivermonitoring technology will eventually become as common as seat belts.

“Their growth will be very much tied to the growth of semi-autonomous vehicles,” he explains. James estimates that by 2026, there will be around 17.5m semi-autonomous and autonomous cars produced with this technology each year.

THE EVOLUTION OF AUTOMATION

WE’RE SWIFTLY MOVING TOWARDS FULL AUTOMATION. However, many experts believe we’re at least 10–20 years away from mass adoption of driverless cars (Level 5 automation).

LEVEL 0: Automated system has no vehicle control, but may issue warnings.

LEVEL 1: Driver must be ready to take control at any time. Automated system may include features such as adaptive cruise control, parking assistance with automated steering, and lane-keeping assistance.

LEVEL 2: The driver is obliged to detect objects and events and respond if the automated system fails to respond properly. The automated system executes accelerating, braking, and steering. The automated system can deactivate immediately upon takeover by the driver.

LEVEL 3: Within known, limited environments (such as motorways), the driver can safely turn their attention away from driving tasks.

LEVEL 4: The automated system can control the vehicle in all but a few environments such as severe weather. The driver must enable the automated system only when it’s safe to do so. When enabled, driver attention isn’t required.

LEVEL 5: Other than setting the destination and starting the system, no human intervention is required. The automatic system can drive to any location where it’s legal to drive.

DRIVERLESS CARS

The ultimate aim is a fully autonomous car that eliminates the cause of most accidents: the driver. Hodgson points out, “From a safety perspective, the faster you can remove humans, the better, even if there are unfortunately a few accidents from new causes. It’s a question of balancing the number injured or killed by autonomous vehicles with the people whose lives are potentially saved.”

It’s a theme that Elon Musk, chief executive of electric car company Tesla Motors, has long espoused. His company are determined to be the first to deliver a fully autonomous vehicle to consumers. Last year, Musk announced that Tesla’s 2017 goal was “to do a demonstration drive of full autonomy all the way from LA to New York…and have the car park itself.”

However, even Tesla admits that there are problems to overcome—the software needs further validation and the appropriate regulatory approval needs to be in place. Indeed, recent crashes of Tesla vehicles and Google cars confirm that the software isn’t ready yet.

The UK government appears committed to encouraging the development of autonomous vehicles. It’s supporting four city trials, publishing the Modern Transport Bill to reduce red tape around their introduction and adapting the legal system to take into account issues

such as insurance liability when a human isn’t in control of a vehicle.

The insurance industry is similarly keen to facilitate increasing autonomy in cars. As the Association of British Insurers (ABI) points out: “More than 90 per cent of road accidents are attributed to human error.” This costs motor insurers a staggering £20m per day in claims.

To encourage what it calls a “road safety revolution”, the ABI has proposed that drivers should continue to buy a single motor insurance policy to cover both manual and automated driving. However, it wants the right to go after motor manufacturers and software companies if the vehicle technology is found to be at fault.

It also wants to see strict rules on what people can and can’t do behind the wheel maintained, as drivers need absolute certainty about when they

Semi-autonomous cars could be the norm by as early as 2026

can safely allow their vehicle to be driven autonomously.

So how long before fully autonomous cars are the norm on our roads?

Ramnath Eswaravadivoo, senior research analyst at research firm Frost & Sullivan, argues that despite a plethora of current trials, the fully autonomous vehicle (Level 5) will only be the norm around 15 years from now, stating “reliability of the software, infrastructure, regulations, insurance, connectivity and many more factors need to be considered before it’s commercialised.”

Ultimately, industry observers such as Hodgson are convinced that the future of mobility is driverless vehicles used as a service, summoned using smartphones or some connected device. He believes that within 20 years, it’s feasible that

major cities in developed countries will have autonomous vehicles functioning in this way.

Singapore has been testing out the concept of Robotaxis and a system is due to launch there by 2019. One might therefore say the writing is “on the computer chip” for drivers.

The die-hard Jeremy Clarksons among us may fight the demise of human drivers to the death. Yet for others, it’s an enticing prospect that would not only radically reduce the number killed and injured on the roads, but also offer an ageing population greater freedom to travel.

It may help those whose lives have been negatively impacted by drivers too. “My dream job is working in wildlife rehabilitation, but you have to be able to drive,” says Imogen. In the future, perhaps Imogen will be driven.

SOURCE: SADANDUSELESS.COM

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Roy Hudd OBE is a comedian, TV and radio star, stage actor, variety performer and national treasure. He celebrates his 81st birthday this month and is currently on tour in Waiting For God

If I Ruled the World Roy Hudd

I’d only want to rule England. Am I allowed? I love everything about it—well, almost everything…

I’d punish fly-tippers more effectively. I can’t bear seeing rubbish tipped all over our beautiful island. It starts with fag ends and food cartons and, before you know it, there are mattresses littering the countryside. It drives me crazy. I’d confiscate the culprits’ cars and have people fly tip their own front gardens—that would show them how horrible it is to have to look at other people’s rubbish.

Station announcers and vicars would have public-speaking lessons. Why do station announcers blow into the microphone before talking? It distorts any information they’re trying to get across. And vicars need to learn to project properly so that they can be heard at the back of church. Perhaps I could give them a lesson or two.

Every stage production would tour before opening in a main theatre. Here’s an example of why this is a good idea: the great Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe toured My Fair Lady all over the US before it came to Broadway. Along the way they tested the songs on the audience— changing or doing away with some altogether—and rewrote the script. By the time it opened for good in 1956, with Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews, it had been honed to perfection.

We wouldn’t buy into imported American celebrations. Halloween never used to be such a big deal in the UK but, thanks to America’s influence, it has now become the third biggest retail event here behind Christmas and Easter. It’s a commercially driven opportunity to get people to spend more money.

Grandchildren would spend more time with their grandparents. My grandmother brought me up and she was marvellous. Now I’ve got a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter. One time I embarrassed her by doing silly voices and funny walks in front of her friends. She said, “Grandpa, did you have to do that?” and I replied, “Oh, boy! Have you picked the wrong grandfather!” And that made her laugh. There’s so much pleasure to be had in the company of the younger generation.

We’d look for opportunities to make life fun. I’m turning 81 and I’m never afraid to have a go at doing new things. I recently filmed a show with John Prescott called Bus Pass Bandits for Channel 4, and we spent time with these amazing lady pensioners who are determined not to let age get in the way of having a laugh. They took us go-karting and, although half of them couldn’t actually get in the karts, they had a right old time watching their friends whizzing around. You can imagine the jokes about “Two Jags” Prescott…

I’d remind everyone of the joy of receiving a handwritten letter or card. There’s something really special about seeing someone’s handwriting; it makes you feel closer to them. You have to focus the mind before you sit down to write with a pen, so the words are more thoughtful and meaningful. You don’t collect emails, do you? They only take a second to send—it’s not the same thing at all.

I’d ask, “What’s the point of beetroot?” It’s the most boring and tasteless vegetable I’ve ever come across. Give me potatoes, in all their marvellous variety, any day. As told to Caroline Hutton

For more information on the BAFTAnominated stage production of Waiting For God, visit WaitingForGod.info

On The

Farm

Not only will kids love the animals at these agricultural attractions— there’s plenty for adults to enjoy too

BY FIONA HICKS

Best of British

Adam Henson makes a friend at Cotswold Farm Park

Cotswold Farm Park

GLOUCESTERSHIRE

Did you know that between 1900 and the early 1970s, the UK lost 26 of our native livestock breeds? This is because they were traditional, multipurpose varieties that were becoming increasingly unsuited to the singlepurpose efficiency of modern farming.

Farmer Joe Henson decided to step in. He chaired the first meeting of the Rare Breeds Survival Trust in 1973— and we’ve not lost a breed since.

His son, TV presenter Adam Henson, celebrates his father’s efforts today with a bustling farm park in the pretty Cotswolds. “We’re incredibly proud of our heritage,” says Adam. “Educating the public about the UK’s native farm breeds is still at the centre of everything we do.”

Here you can see many beautiful and historical animals, including woolly mammoth-like Highland cattle and rare Tamworth pigs.

■ Visit cotswoldfarmpark.co.uk for details

Cannon Hall Farm YORKSHIRE

Steeped in history, this site near the village of Cawthorne was mentioned in the Domesday Book. The 1086 description read, “Manor. Calthorne. Alric [a Norman Lord] had three carucates of land to be taxed and there may be two ploughs there.”

These humble “carucates” of land

have operated as a working farm for the best part of 1,000 years, once providing food for the majestic Cannon Hall and, since 1989, operating as one of South Yorkshire’s most popular tourist attractions.

“It’s a real, working farm,” says director Richard Nicholson. “More than 2,000 baby animals are born on-site every year.”

As well as viewing the animals through purpose-built galleries, kids can enjoy hours of fun in The Hungry Llama indoor play area, which features nine squeal-inducing slides. Adults, meanwhile, can enjoy a fresh meal in the farm’s restaurant, The White Bull.

■ Visit cannonhallfarm.co.uk for details

© CANNON HALL FARM

Cannon Hall Farm regularly entertains the crowds with sheep racing

Smithills Open Farm

GREATER MANCHESTER

Once a dairy farm, this 70-acre space is now home to more than 25 species of animals, including the conventional cows, pigs, goats and sheep, as well as the more exotic llamas and eagles… and even Burmese pythons!

As say the owners, “Our animals are a very happy bunch. They’re all wellloved (and fed!). You can get up close to them because they’re nice and well-behaved. You can even feed them—and hold them—if you wish.”

The farm particularly prides itself on hosting superb birthday parties. After petting the animals (excluding, perhaps, the python), children—or indeed adults—can enjoy an array of other attractions, such as the bouncy castle, inflatable assault course and a tractor tour.

■ Visit smithillsopenfarm.co.uk for details

Mrs Dowsons LANCASHIRE

Six decades ago, Mr Dowson’s grandfather bought Hawkshaw Farm, which then comprised 54 acres, 12 cows, 200 chickens and a rather doddery old tractor. As the years passed the farm established itself as a major milk supplier, at one point filling more than five million pints a year.

However, the farm faced major challenges at the turn of the century, with the decline of local milkmen and the glass-bottled milk industry. Resolute, the family decided to

© SMITHILLS OPEN FARM

Cows and ice-cream take centre stage at Mrs Dowsons

diversify…and the famous Mrs Dowsons ice cream was born.

Today, this sweet treat is famous all over the county and beyond. With flavours such as amaretto and black cherry, smooth strawberry and Yorkshire parkin, it’s easy to indulge in a whole tub. In fact, it’s dangerously convenient that, in addition to the farm’s friendly cows, there’s an ice-cream parlour on-site.

■ Visit mrsdowsons.co.uk for details ©

Foel Farm Park

ANGLESEY

This beachside site proudly offers patrons a chance to experience the sights, sounds and (rather cheerfully) the smells of a real working farm. For a very reasonable £7.50 per adult and £6.50 per child, visitors have immediate access to a generous mix of attractions including feeding the animals, tours of the farm on a tractor and trailer and—a particular favourite of little (and big) boys— mini-trailer rides with a quad bike.

The other huge draw is the farm’s gastronomic offering. The Y Foel Tea Room & Café Bar is incongruously but delightfully Mediterraneanthemed, just in case you fancy a bowl of olives as you overlook the majestic landscape of Snowdonia.

There’s also a chocolatier on site, which means you can watch delicious fondants, pralines and chocolate animals being made and— rather more crucially— taste them.

■ Visit foelfarm.co.uk for details

Mabie Farm Park

DUMFRIES

A sparkling stream, a wildlife-filled pond, a surrounding bluebell wood… it’s easy to understand why this Scottish attraction commands up to 1,000 visitors a day. It’s a labour of love for Allan and Julia Shuttleworth, who set up the farm as a tourist attraction at the turn of the century and have been continually enhancing it since. A key feature is the 5,000ft “Playbarn”, which—with bouncy castles, trampolines and a traversing wall—keeps kids occupied for hours. Says Julia, “With three children and eight grandchildren, we know what children and parents are like!”

There’s also an impressive variety of rare animal breeds, including Vietnamese pot bellied pigs. You can buy feed from the shop and feed the creatures at any time.

■ Visit mabiefarmpark.co.uk for details

Hackney City Farm was once the site of a local brewery

Hackney City Farm LONDON

In the 1800s this city locale was home to a food market, which turned into a brewery later on in the century. The steady supply of punters attracted a range of small businesses (such as a button manufacturer), which either folded or moved away over time. In the 1980s, a community-minded group decided to regenerate the area by turning it into a farm.

The aim was to give city youngsters a chance to become more in tune with nature’s cycles. Says farm manager Chris Pounds, “There’s the chance to get up close to the farm

animals, maintain the site and volunteer in the gardens—all in a very busy urban environment.”

Visitors often while an afternoon away with the farm’s cherished donkeys, Larry and Clover. There may no longer be a brewery on site, but there are plenty of pubs nearby for a post-farm pint.

■ Visit hackneycityfarm.com for details

Do you have a favourite farm? Email readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk and tell us about it!

Life Stories Start With A Memory

BY TOM HARNETT

Often the place to start when planning your memoir is to cast your mind back to your very first memory. Since we’re sharing, here’s mine:

Iwas pottering around the kitchen at three years old, while my mother was sitting on the floor at the other end of the room. One of my favourite toys was a pull-back-and-go sailor on wheels, which could move pretty fast. While Mum was looking the other way, I grabbed the toy and pulled it back as far as I could, sending it hurtling off in her direction at great speed. I scored a direct hit on her leg, which I thought was hilarious, Mum possibly not so much.

This memory leads on to another I have from that time, of my cat

Buster running crazy-eyed under a bush whilst I was digging a muchneeded hole in my parents’ garden. My three-year-old self decided to give said bush a good whack with my toy spade. Well, why not? Buster, not surprisingly, shot out from his presumed place of safety. (Buster was fine, by the way, and no animals were harmed during the writing of this article.)

To reflect on these memories brings a smile to my face, as I recall those simpler times, before I had to worry about what to write in an

article on planning for life stories. The task of drafting a memoir should never be too contrived or worrisome a project. Certainly, piecing together a rough timeline or a thematic guide to the book is a useful exercise when you first get started. Simply taking some rough notes or retelling one of your favourite experiences can bring everything flooding back, with one memory leading to another— and another.

So that’s why my job is to guide LifeBook authors, which linenbook. taking some rough notes or retelling one of your with LifeBook™ turn your precious memories into beautiful handmade books for you to share. Call us FREE on 0800 999 2280 or email digest@lifebookuk.com

I do by advising them through their own memoir-writing project. Over 12 sessions, our authors share their stories face-to-face with their specially assigned interviewer, whilst one of our ghostwriters takes the stories from each recording of these conversations and converts them into a personal memoir. Six review drafts later, we’ll typeset and then print five hardback, linenbound copies of the author’s book. With the support of the LifeBook team, the only planning that’s really needed is when to start.

Pep Luis-Reig made a career change at 46 years old. Now he teaches at the university in Palma, Spain

Time for a fresh Start

Are you unhappy in your job? These four people prove it’s never too late to make a change

By Peter Woolrich

During 20 years of stacking shelves and manning the tills at his family’s supermarket in Pollença on the Spanish island of Mallorca, José Luis-Reig, known as Pep, never gave a thought to the world of academia. It was only when visiting the classrooms and corridors of mainland universities with his two teenage daughters that he suddenly felt himself at home among the books and atmosphere of learning.

After school Pep had intended to do a degree in biology at Barcelona University, but had been called on to help run the family business instead.

But the question of “What’s my role in life?” still kept coming back to him. It wasn’t until a year later that the answer suddenly struck him. When he was at school, other children would come to him with their problems. He developed a reputation and so was invited onto local radio, where the interviewer said, “You’re like a young psychologist.”

Pep was no stranger to change. The family business had originally been a sawmill, but when Pep, then 27, was asked if he wanted to take over, he decided to convert the mill into the town’s first supermarket.

One day in the shop, the radio presenter’s comment came back to him. After running the idea past his family, he applied to university in Palma to study psychology and, aged 46, was accepted.

“I had to get used to being much older than all the other students,” he says. “In fact, I was older than my professor. But I ended up helping the others because I’d had more life experience that carries psychological impact, which could reflect classroom theory. I couldn’t go to all of the parties, though!”

Pep came top of his year and impressed his tutors so much that he was offered a job researching and teaching, which he still does while studying for a master’s in neuropsychology. Now 52, and still in the job, he adds, “My only regret is not having done it earlier.”

i ended up helping the others because i’d had more life experience

The traditional view used to be that, while a bit of chopping and changing in your youth was acceptable, you should then settle on a career and stick to it. But today record numbers of 50- and

Photo, P revious s P read, by a na Lui Photogra P hy

When art director Tallu Konttinen was made reduntant, she decided to follow her passion and work with textiles

60-somethings are choosing to take on new challenges. “Job satisfaction becomes increasingly important when you’ve only got a few miles on the clock,” says Carolyn May, who left a career in education at age 58 to set up a business in Wales helping others to have second working lives. “You don’t want to spend the rest of your life regretting not following your dream,” says May, who has since set up a company that specialises in marketing diagnostics and copywriting.

In the UK, the abolition of the fixed retirement age has definitely helped change perceptions about working lives. The option to take some of your pension as a lump

sum at the age of 55 has also opened financial doors for those wishing to make a mid-life change.

Likewise, some people are turning the fragile economy into a positive, using redundancy as an incentive. “If you have some money after leaving a job, it’s possible to create a new opportunity for yourself,” says Dr Vincent Giolito, a research fellow at the Solvay Brussels School of Economics and Management— who himself took the plunge into the academic world, aged 50, after working as a business journalist for 20 years. “Many management-level workers are becoming freelance consultants or investing in a start-up”, he says.

Photo by juho kuva

it’S Not juSt the SelfemPloyed riding this wave. Employers are realising that older workers can bring valuable perspective to a position. British DIY giant B&Q has an official age-neutral policy. “Twenty-eight per cent of our workforce is over 50,” says a B&Q spokesman, “which is great because, as homeowners, there’s a lot they can offer customers and younger staff.”

A career change might require retraining and some people are put off, either by being without income or the fear of going back to school. But, as Pep found, being more experienced can actually give you an edge in the classroom. From a financial point of view, it’s a big decision, but with children having left home and perhaps the mortgage paid off, it could be the least risky time in your life to try it.

Barclays Bank has a scheme aimed at encouraging the older workforce to take up a banking apprenticeship. “It’s a commercial decision and there’s no ceiling to how high anybody can go,” says Mike Thompson, head of the apprenticeship programme.

Modern apprenticeships last one to five years, combining paid work experience with studies. Last year in England more than 32,000 people aged over 50 started one.

Even if you do need to retrain, it doesn’t mean starting from scratch. Many people make a career change that enables them

Primo Sule saw a need in elder care and left a succesful job to make a difference

to use skills developed in their old career, but in a new way. While teaching and researching his PhD in psycholinguistics, Marek Brzezinski from Łód´z in Poland also wrote pieces of travel journalism for a local magazine Odglosy.

Marek continued to write after he finished his studies at 30, married and started a family. He later moved to Paris where he taught psychology and anthropology at the Schiller International University.

But all this time Marek also had a love for food. In Paris, he walked by the renowned Cordon Bleu cookery school every day on his way to the university. One day, with a vague idea for an article, he went

in. When he saw the kitchens with their immaculate pots and pans, he felt they were offering a change in direction instead.

“At 57, I could combine my journalism skills with my passion for food and become a culinary critic. And when I do something, I want to do it right, to know everything.” So he signed up for a nine-month course.

It was a big change for Marek. “At the university I was used to everyone saying, ‘Yes, sir, no, sir,’ but at Le Cordon Bleu it was me saying, ‘Yes, chef, no, chef,’ being shouted at with all the other students, most of whom were my children’s age. More than once I was close to throwing down my knife and packing it in, but you’ve got to be courageous.

“I would recommend to people wanting to make a change to know themselves, to recognise their potential and be realistic,” he says. Marek graduated in September 2012. Now aged 61, he hasn’t looked back, writing a weekly food column for Angora, a magazine published in Poland, Germany and the US.

Le Cordon Bleu, which operates in several European countries, welcomes older applicants who join after many years in another profession. “Most of our older students are passionate about food and want to bring that enthusiasm to a new food-related career,” says marketing and communications manager Sandra Messier. “Their

management and organisational skills are better than the younger students’ and, as our courses tend to be short and precise, they can move very quickly into a new career.”

for Some, the key to a chaNge is not a new skill but something they’ve always done for pleasure— when they can turn a hobby into a career. Tallu Konttinen spent 30 years as the art director of an advertising

You should be brave and open-minded when facing new opportunities

agency in Finland, designing logos, posters, brochures, packaging and more. When she was made redundant in 2014, her first instinct was to find another job in the same industry; but then she realised this could be her chance to take her love of textiles to a new level. She’d always spent her spare time on crafts, particularly textiles and furnishings, combining unexpected materials.

Konttinen took the plunge and enrolled at the Ikaalinen Arts and Crafts Artisan College. She’s now, aged 57, engaging in design projects as a full-time student and expects to graduate this year.

tiPS for career-chaNgerS

carolyN’S tiPS:

n Be ready to change your way of thinking: you’ll need to learn to sell yourself anew.

n Formulate Plan A, Plan B and then a contingency plan.

n Make decisions based on instinct as well as logic.

n Learn to surf the challenges.

n Enjoy the change.

Primo’S tiPS

n First think about what you really want to do.

n Don’t jump until you’re ready. Explore before you leave your old job; talk to people in your new field; learn as much as possible.

n Involve those around you. Family and friends are good sounding boards.

n Believe you can be something else. Don’t think of yourself as an IT guy turned entrepreneur, but as an entrepreneur who used to work in IT.

“I’ve learned that you should be brave and open-minded when facing new opportunities,” she says. “Go ahead: you may be wonderfully surprised.”

While some people, like Pep, change career to satisfy a longheld yearning, others may have been perfectly content with their old careers—but find themselves responding to a sudden change that gives a new perspective.

Primo Sule settled in the UK in 1974 from his native Chile, first studying to be a PE teacher before switching to computer science at Birmingham University. He moved around Europe and up the career ladder, before joining a global accountancy firm

PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) in 1998, where he had a staff of 1,500 and held responsibility for 25 countries all over the world. “I was quite happy because no two days were the same and 99 per cent of the time I was on the road—New York, Hong Kong, everywhere.”

But in 2008, when his ageing father-in-law began to deteriorate mentally, Primo saw how difficult it was for his mother-in-law to find help with cooking, cleaning and providing meals. “Different people arrived at different times each day to do different things, but there was no continuity of care,” he explains. “And I couldn’t find anyone else who was happy with their provider or would recommend the agency they used.”

But it wasn’t until 2009, when his grandfather began to need care, and he reluctantly started to look at residential homes for him, that he had a light-bulb moment. Visiting one care home, he spoke to an elderly lady for over an hour. It made her feel better knowing that someone was interested in her, and that, in turn, made him feel better. He came away believing something had to be done to improve the quality of care for the elderly.

At the end of that year he took the monumental decision to leave PwC to research the elderly care sector and try to come up with a solution for people in his situation. It was a strain for the whole family. “I was used to executive travel and fivestar hotels, not having to cook or do the washing-up. My wife worried about the financial security we’d lost, especially as I had no experience in the care sector.”

But Primo discovered Home Instead, an American provider with an emphasis on offering companionship as much as care. It works with clients—or “friends”, as they prefer to think of them—at home, matching them to suitable

carers to ensure compatibility. Primo set up a Home Instead franchise in Nottingham that has now been running for six years. “The first two years were incredibly hard work with lots of 16-hour days,” he says.

But it’s all been worth it. In 2013, Primo ran the first of a series of free workshops for relatives of people

primo gets so close to the families, he regularlY attends clients’ funerals

with dementia. A woman came to thank him at the end; as her father’s only caregiver, before discovering Home Instead she’d been struggling to understand how best to care for him and look after herself. In fact, Primo gets so close to the families, he regularly attends clients’ funerals.

“Although my previous life was fantastic,” he says, “the satisfaction that I get every day from directly influencing people’s lives is so much more fulfilling.”

mu S ical B a N ter

The Beatles’ 1966 album Revolver was almost named After Geography, to play on the Rolling Stones’ album Aftermath

Source: rolliNgStoNe com

People on a bus tour can be hard to please— but luckily this seasoned guide has a few tricks up his sleeve

BY ROBERT SKINNER

Leader Pack

of the

ON THE FIRST DAY OF A CENTRAL AUSTRALIAN tour that I regularly ran, someone would always ask what time we were going to arrive at camp.

Because camp was 370 miles away, it was a good opportunity to set things straight.

“Look,” I’d say, “there are rogue cows, flat tyres and headwinds like you wouldn’t believe.”

I’d stare wistfully out the window. “In some ways we’ll be lucky to get there at all.”

Tourists gather to watch the sunset at Uluru (Ayers Rock), Northern Territory, Australia

I tried to leave it at that one morning, but the girl who asked kept looking at me expectantly.

I sighed. “What time? I dunno. About six-thirty, seven?”

“OK! Thank you!” She turned to her friend. “He says we’re arriving at 6.37.”

A tour guide shouldn’t say too much on the first day. A week is a long time and you don’t want to devalue your own currency.

A critical job for any tour guide is to bond the group. The best way is to go bush camping. With the sun low and the cockatiels bursting from the trees, we’d head down some dirt track. When we stopped in a clearing, sometimes there’d be confusion.

“But there’s nothing.”

“I know! Isn’t it wonderful?”

Bush camping worked for many reasons—chief among them that no one wants to die alone. Strangers would go off to pee together and come back friends, or scatter in twos and threes to collect firewood and get bitten by ants. Those were the best nights, with no one else around and the Milky Way smeared brightly across the black sky. We drank beer next to the fire. People really started talking, and slept closer to one another than on any other nights.

There are other ways of getting a group together. I know a guide who, if he sensed malaise, would fake a flat battery and make everyone push-start the bus. I once tried to

fix a radiator leak with chewing gum

I passed around. If you can get 21 people chewing for a common cause, what you have is a family.

Sometimes, if I felt they could benefit from a sense of occasion, I’d tell them this was the very sand dune from which 19th-century explorer William Gosse and his party first laid eyes on Uluru (formerly Ayers Rock). People oohed.

“But couldn’t they have seen it from the sand dune just over there?”

There’s always one.

“You raise a good point, madam.”

ONE SHOULD NEVER LET FACTS GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY, BECAUSE NO ONE REMEMBERS FACTS ANYWAY

I never had qualms about butchering the European version of things. For one thing, most of the best places are just named after some bloke. What are you going to do—stand in front of that beautiful rock with its 30,000-year-old cultural history and talk about So-and-so Ayers who once governed South Australia and had certain hobbies?

One should never let facts get in the way of a good story, because

no one remembers facts anyway. The best tour guides will turn an explanation into a story that’s entertaining even to someone who cares nothing for the subject.

You’d hear spiels of other guides: “The canyon is made up of Carmichael sandstone, which is more than 400 million years old, and Mereenie sandstone, which is 360 million years old …”

If there was ever a more boring sentence in the English language, I didn’t finish reading it. What exactly are the tourists being offered that they can’t get themselves with an encyclopedia and a tranquilliser dart?

You should never, or almost never, give your tourists the choice between two options. This is a mistake inexperienced guides often make. Are you not the leader of this expedition? Have you not been here a hundred times before and know what it’s about?

You have to start early. If you start the walks too late, it’ll take them a whole day to recover from that heat. By 11am, there’s no more birdsong, just the sounds of buzzing flies and sobbing. You explain this to your passengers well in advance; you want them to feel like they’ve made the choice (though there is no choice), so they feel like mavericks in the early morning, and not like suckers.

The other thing to do in summertime is sneak people into a five-star hotel and its pool. I used to

Camping in the bush is a sure-fire way to bond a group

arm everyone with back stories to explain how the ragtag bunch could afford a five-star hotel. Then I would drop them off in twos and threes at various locations and staggered intervals. I’m not sure any of this was necessary, but it helped with the sense of occasion.

It almost doesn’t matter what you show them, if you feed them well. German girls will commit heinous crimes for Nutella at breakfast. Europeans in general will not eat white bread and you shouldn’t bother making them try. The smallest girls from Taiwan and Korea will eat twice as much as any man. And although some Italian men might be incapable of opening a can of tomatoes, they will nevertheless have strong opinions on how to make the Bolognese.

PHOTO: ©JOHN WHITE PHOTOS/GETTY

AT ULURU, WE’D COOK UP a big gourmet barbecue and have a candlelit dinner. Once everything was ready I’d hit the lights and play Marvin Gaye. The difficulty was not cooking the dinner—but getting people to eat it. They all wanted to take photos of it.

However, it should never look difficult. I still cringe about the night I made quails wrapped in sage and prosciutto, and spent two hours

THERE’S A SUBTLE BUT IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOUR PASSENGERS AND SERVING THEM

trying to balance them over coals in a potbelly stove. No one wants to see their guide running around like a desperate MasterChef contestant— it’s unbecoming.

There’s a subtle but important difference between taking care of your passengers and serving them. In gaining a servant, they lose a leader. You’re taking on expectations that can’t be met, and they’ll resent you for it. They’ll start blaming you for the flies and the mediocre sunsets.

Two days after the quail incident, 25 miles out of Glendambo, I smelled

burning oil. I almost didn’t stop—by then the tourists and I were engaged in psychological warfare and I didn’t want to lose more ground. But I pulled over to take a look. The underside of the bus was sprayed in oil.

I opened the engine block and saw where it had come from: a big round hole that should have had a cap screwed over it. I knew this because I’d taken it off the night before to top up the oil.

By some miracle, the cap was still sitting on the engine block.

“Folks,” I told the tourists, “we’ve got ourselves an oil leak.” (Which was technically true.) “In the gasket region.” (Which was not.)

There were outraged groans.

“Now listen,” I said, holding up my hands, “I’m pretty sure I can fix it.” I was sure I could fix the leak—insofar as screwing the cap back on.

We had just enough oil to make it to Glendambo. While everyone prepared lunch, I told them I was off to fix the leak.

I parked the bus behind the roadhouse and sat enjoying a quiet drink and reading Moby-Dick. Then I judiciously applied some engine grease to my face, and drove back to the lunch spot.

“Guys, I fixed it!” And it really felt like I had—a small victory.

I speak fluent German. I thought it would be a secret weapon, but in six years of tour guiding I almost never eavesdropped on anything interesting.

At Uluru sunsets there was a lot of, “Ja, I have been thinking the same thing! Why does he cut the tomatoes so thick at lunchtime? Sometimes thicker than the bread even!” What sounds like complaining is really just Germans having a good time.

Once I was doing paperwork outside the Cultural Centre. I was sipping a cold lemonade. A German girl and her friend plonked down at the table and stared at my drink.

The girl said to her friend, in German, “I’d give anything for a drink like that.”

I was thinking, What’s wrong with you? They’re pennies in the gift shop.

“Would you like the rest of my lemonade?” I said.

She looked at me with wide eyes and grabbed the drink. Then she said to her friend, in her native tongue, “Wait. Do you think he’s diseased?”

Something snapped. I shouted in German, “After everything I’ve done for you, now this?!”

She was pleasantly surprised. “You’re German! That’s why you have such good ideas, like the pool!”

ON THE LAST MORNING we’d hike

Kings Canyon together. The group would climb up “Heart Attack Hill,” look across the desert and feel that they’d survived the outback. And that they did it together.

Once, when we returned to camp, I got everyone coffee and French toast, which the French couple insisted was just toast, then snuck off into the bushes for a power nap. I told the group we’d pack up and hit the road to Alice Springs by 11.30am.

I woke up groggy and confused to the sound of the bus horn. Somehow it was 11.30am. I ran back to camp.

They were all sitting on the bus. “For the love of God, guys,” I started to shout, “we’ve got to pack this place up!”

And then I saw the swags tied on the roof. The food boxes, bags, cooking equipment had been packed into the trailer; our hut was swept.

The only thing left in the place was a cup of fresh coffee with my name on it. They were beeping the horn because everything was done, and all they needed was me.

ONE-SECOND SCIENCE

Albert Einstein certainly had a knack for explaining complex physics: “When you’re courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

SOURCE: BUSINESSINSIDER.COM

Elena wasn’t used to the weather, but was still enchanted by Ireland’s coast; (right) making friends

BY CATHY ADAMS

My Great Escape: On Your Bike

Elena Pitsilidou from Cyprus goes on a cycling adventure around Ireland’s West Coast

Cathy has danced in Rio, been microlighting in South Africa and hiked the mountains of Oman

MY BOYFRIEND’S PARENTS TRAVEL TO IRELAND every year and a couple of years ago they invited us on a cycling holiday. It would be a special holiday for me, as I hadn’t ridden a bike since I was a child.

Arriving at Carrigaholt on Ireland’s western coast, I could hear the waves splashing on the rocks with a strength I’d never encountered before. Carrigaholt is a small fishing village in County Clare, Ireland. It’s 185 miles from Dublin with a population of just 3,000. Coming from Cyprus, I was surprised to find that the weather in April was rainy, cold and windy; in contrast to the warm weather I’m used to.

On the first day, we cycled the perimeter of Carrigaholt, alongside the wild Atlantic Ocean. We cycled for hours, the scenery changing like the scenes in a film, from the Celtic crosses of a hillside cemetery to a field full of cows with dangling bells around their necks. We passed a village house where three dogs started chasing me. I had the scare of my life but I soon managed to laugh it off.

Leaving the dogs behind, we cycled up a hill next to the ocean—I could feel the refreshing breeze on my face.

We stopped for a coffee to warm up, before continuing into the next village, called Cross, with its colourful front doors and smoke pouring out its chimneys. It smelt like strong coffee mixed with charcoal.

At dusk, after a well-deserved dinner of Irish sausages, mash and ale at local pub Foley’s Bar, we headed back to Carrigaholt.

The west coast of County Clare is an excellent destination for people who, like me, are fascinated by nature—and don’t mind the rain!

■ CELTIC CYCLING

Ryanair flies to Shannon in County Clare from multiple UK airports from around £42pp return. It’s a 52-mile drive to Carrigaholt from Shannon (ryanair.com).

THE SLENDER COASTAL NATION OF MONTENEGRO is one of Europe’s best-kept secrets. Recently more popular thanks to new flights from the UK, it’s styled itself as a quieter, more authentic Croatia.

Along Montenegro’s Dalmatian coast, find medieval stone-walled towns presiding over giant yachts bobbing in sparkly turquoise seas: no surprise, then, that it’s an ideal place to go sailing. It also boasts some of the most beautiful beaches you’ll find anywhere in the Mediterranean.

■ SAIL IN STYLE

G Adventures offers an eight-day sailing trip from £899pp (0344 272 2060, gadventures.com).

Tell us about your favourite holiday (send a photo too) and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50. Go to readersdigest.co.uk/contact-us WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

The Montenegrin Coast

Things To Do This Month

COLOMBIA IN TWO MINUTES

■ FOLLOW: GABRIEL GARCÍA

MÁRQUEZ The South American nation celebrates the 50th anniversary of the publication of One Hundred Years of Solitude. Explore the author’s favourite spots with a new tour from Amakuna (amakuna.com).

■ SEE: CARTAGENA Detour to Colombia’s Caribbean coast to find the beautiful Cartagena. Expect birthday cake-coloured colonial houses in the old city, a Unesco World Heritage Site (ticartagena.com).

■ STAY: FOUR SEASONS BOGOTA

CASA MEDINA This handsome hotel is right in the heart of the city’s best dining district. Here traditional Colombian design mixes with contemporary flair (+57 1 3257900, fourseasons.com/bogota). For the latest FCO advice about visiting Columbia, visit gov.uk

SHORT/LONG HAUL: LUXURY RAIL TRIPS

SHORT: Al Andalus, Spain The Belle Époque-styled Al Andalus train travels on a handful of routes through Spain, mostly through the southern, mountainous Andalusian region (01249 890205 , luxurytrainclub.com/ trains/al-andalus).

LONG: Belmond Andean Explorer, Peru How better to explore some of the most blockbuster scenery in the world than from a luxury train window? Belmond’s stunning Andean Explorer launches this month in Peru—even crossing the Andes (0845 077 2222, belmond.com).

TRAVEL APP OF THE MONTH

Rebtel, Free, iOS and Android. Want to stay in touch with friends and family while on holiday? Rebel uses local phone lines to connect you cheaply, no wi-fi required.

Mis-sold timeshare?

Were you mis-sold?

Did you sign a purchase agreement that could be illegal?

Were you told that your purchase was an investment?

Were you told that exchanges were easily obtainable?

Have your management fees increased way beyond the rate of inflation?

Was it explained that your family could become liable to take over the contract if something happened to you?

Many timeshare owners are unaware that they are NOW entitled to LARGE amounts of compensation from resorts due to a recent court ruling made in early 2016. Understandably, resorts are highly unlikely to give this information to timeshare owners. Since early 2016 more and more owners are having their contracts deemed null and void, due to Illegal purchase agreements.

Were promises made to you, that you later found to be untrue?

Were you forced into upgrading your timeshare?

Did you buy your timeshare on finance?

Were you later charged hidden fees?

You could now be entitled to timeshare compensation

Timeshare owners have been awarded compensation of the full purchase price, plus maintenance costs, plus legal fees running into thousands of pounds.

£4 million paid in compensation claims so far!

LATEST VICTORIES

£13,500 for Wyndham Owner

£10,457 for Silverpoint Owner

£40,000 for Airtours Owners

£10,400 Leisure Group Ltd (DWVC)

£18,000 Anfi Owner

£21,000 Palm Oasis Owner

In western Mongolia, Kazakh nomads lovingly preserve an age-old tradition

Eagles Hunting with

BY FRANK RIEDINGER

TEXT AND PHOTOS

 In the Altai Mountains, at about 2,000 metres’ elevation, lies the provincial capital Ölgii. This far western corner of Mongolia is where the annual Golden Eagle Festival takes place, celebrating the beginning of hunting season, which runs from October until April.

 The most graceful landing on the arm of a hunter is determined by a judge and rewarded with points. For this discipline, which takes place on the festival’s first day, an assistant releases the golden eagle from the peak of a mountain while the owner calls his bird to him with a series of loud cries. On the second day, the eagles must land on a decoy being dragged behind a horse. Both man and bird collect points.

 Berkutschi is Kazakh and means “eagle hunter”. The Mongolian Berkutschi hunt solely with female golden eagles. They’re larger, more aggressive and more reliable than the males.

 Hunting with eagles used to be a man’s business. A few years ago, young Aisholpan Nurgair began cultivating this tradition for women too. In last year’s documentary The Eagle Huntress, the teenager “wins” the festival.

 The Berkutschi either steals his eagle as a chick right out of its nest, or just catches a young bird with a net. However, the tradition requires that the birds are released into nature after only a few years.

 Winter is hunting season. The Berkutschi and their eagles hunt mainly foxes and Pallas’s cats—a type of wild feline native to Central Asia. The remaining time the Berkutschi are occupied by managing their grazing animals and navigating the nomadic lifestyle that these herds dictate.

Visit frank-riedinger.de for more pictures and information.

The Shymanskis had taught their five-year-old daughter, Lexi, what to do in case of emergency, knowing it could save her life. Little did they know it would save her mother and baby brother too…

HeroLittlest The

BY OMAR MOUALLEM

ILLUSTRATION BY YUTA ONODA

ANGELA SHYMANSKI WAS making good time. It was 8.30am and the kids were fed. Their eight-seat car was fuelled and packed with all the necessities for a road trip: a pop-up tent, toys and snacks for five-year-old Lexi and, for ten-week-old Peter, a pink blanket and seven days’ worth of clothes—all of which had been worn. No matter, thought Angela. It was 26C in central Alberta, Canada— the hottest June on record—so her infant would better endure the eight hours home to Prince George, British Columbia, in nappies.

The 28-year-old had driven these 500 miles alone before. She had college friends scattered across Alberta, an older sister in Calgary and a sister-in-law in Sylvan Lake. Her husband, Travis, an instrumentation mechanic at an oil refinery, couldn’t come on the week-long holiday, but Angela, a swimming and first-aid instructor, was eager to show off baby Peter to her friends.

IT WAS AN important trip for Lexi, too. The morning they’d left Prince George—June 1, 2015—marked the beginning of the 100-day countdown to nursery. Angela was keen to fill the holiday with fun; by week’s end, Lexi had seen gorillas at the Calgary Zoo, picnicked with cousins, become dizzy on amusement park rides and made sandcastles at the beach.

As she was driving along Icefields Parkway, Angela accidentally missed

her first turnoff and, rather than loop back, decided to continue west on a slightly longer but more scenic route through the Rockies. The lost time would have been negligible were it not for a 30-minute stretch of road construction. The constant stops and starts had begun to bother Peter, who was now shrieking in the back-facing car seat next to Lexi. This calls for a nursery rhyme, Angela thought. She inserted a CD and hoped for the best.

In no time, both children were slumped in their car seats.

Once she was finally out of the construction zone, Angela accelerated to just below the 60-mile-an-hour speed limit. The hum of the road and the warmth of the sun, combined with the lulling music, soon began to have a relaxing effect, so Angela opened the window, hoping the blast of wind would keep her alert as she searched for a rest stop.

Angela’s eyes closed for just a few seconds.

EXACTLY ONE YEAR earlier, Lexi was receiving the most important lesson of her young life.

The Shymanskis, like many Jehovah’s Witnesses, observe family worship night. On this particular night, they were preparing Lexi for a potential future emergency—a cousin of Travis’s had recently lost his home in a flood, and they wanted to be ready in the event of such a scenario.

Together, the young Shymanski family filled a duffel bag with water bottles, canned food, a first-aid kit, some cash, CPR masks, spare clothes and toys, and tucked it in a closet by the front door.

Then they showed Lexi the smoke alarms: if they start beeping, said her parents, hurry to the driveway. Don’t go searching for anything or anyone, just get help and don’t look back. To demonstrate, the three of them walked together barefoot to the nearest neighbour’s place, half a mile away, as they felt that calling 911 wouldn’t be practical for a child who still had a limited vocabulary and sense of geography.

Lexi absorbed every instruction. This became apparent months later, when a smoke alarm went off during dinner. Before Angela could reset it, Lexi was running to the driveway. She never looked back.

THE FIRST THOUGHT that crossed Lexi’s mind: Who turned off the power? Seconds ago, it was a sunny day. Now it was dark, her neck hurt, the car horn was blaring and Peter was wailing. Lexi reached in his direction but hit a force field—her tent had flopped forward and popped open. The girl fished around the thin canvas and felt her baby brother’s hand.

Lexi stretched for the door handle, but it was out of reach, hiding under a big white pillow—one of the side airbags that now obscured all the windows. She pushed on the pins of her five-point harness, something Mummy and Daddy always did for her. Once they were unclipped, Lexi managed to wriggle out of the straps to exit the car, but when she pulled the handle, the door was stuck.

“PLEASE WAKE UP!”

Turning onto her side, Lexi kicked at the car door until it eventually flopped open, filling the car with sunlight.

That’s when she spotted her mother in the front seat, sleeping on an even bigger pillow. “Wake up,

Lexi’s brother, Peter, after his life-saving brain surgery in Edmonton

Mum!” she screamed. “Please wake up!” Angela didn’t respond.

Though it hurt to turn her head, Lexi looked over the side of the SUV and stared down a steep hill—it was just like the indoor rock-climbing gym she liked to visit, but with boulders the size of beanbag chairs, trees and

LEXI POINTED INTO THE DITCH, TO THE CRUSHED SUV. JEREMIAH TORE DOWN THE INCLINE

no ropes. The only thing keeping her family from rolling down the incline was the large evergreen with which the vehicle had collided.

That would be the only time Lexi looked down, or back.

Her flip-flops had flown off in the accident, but Lexi felt no pain as she crawled over glass, rocks, branches and pine needles and up the embankment to the highway her mother had driven off. It was just as she’d practised.

THE JIRIKS WERE about halfway through their journey when they pulled over for a roadside picnic. They weren’t in any rush, having decided to take the scenic route through Jasper National Park, tacking

two more hours onto their drive from Wasilla, Alaska, where they lived, to Minnesota, where Loni and Jeremiah had met and started their family. When their bellies were full and their bodies were rested, the couple, their three children and their two dogs climbed back into the silver minivan for the final stretch.

No sooner had Jeremiah steered onto the highway when Loni yelled, “Stop!” She pointed some 15 yards ahead, to a tiny blonde child in shorts and a tank top climbing out of the ditch. Jumping up and down and waving her arms at traffic, the barefoot girl seemed to have materialised out of nowhere. Jeremiah flicked on his hazard lights and pulled over.

“Help!” Lexi cried out as she ran toward them. “My mum needs help!”

Jeremiah panned the tree-lined road. There was no one around. “Where’s your mama?” he asked Lexi. The child pointed into the ditch, to a crushed SUV. Without hesitating, Jeremiah—an avid hiker who makes his living installing power lines at high altitudes—tore down the incline in his sandals.

Lexi tried to follow, but Loni convinced her to stay back. The girl’s neck was bruised, and she could barely move it. The woman summoned Isaak, her oldest child, to assist, but told her daughters to stay behind—she didn’t want them witnessing a potential tragedy.

ANGELA SHYMANSKI WAS beginning to regain consciousness when Jeremiah came hurtling down the hill. She looked over at the stranger, her face scraped and swollen. “I’m so stupid,” she told him. “I should’ve pulled over sooner.” He could barely hear her words over the blaring of the car horn; the sound of the baby crying didn’t even register until Angela mentioned Peter.

The seat the infant was attached to had become unhinged and had flipped forward, leaving Peter upside down in his harness, with little room between the back of the steel-framed seat and the floor. Jeremiah unlatched the half-naked baby, wrapped him in his blanket and climbed up to Loni, grabbing at the evergreen’s branches with his free hand.

His wife had been trying to call 911 but couldn’t get clear reception at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. She gave up and started flagging down passing cars; five zipped past before a jeep finally pulled over.

The driver, Lise Lord, was en route to Calgary with her business partner, Rick Nowicki, for a meeting. Long before Nowicki had turned to financial coaching, the 50-year-old had been a firefighter/emergency medical technician. Although more than a decade had passed since he’d been involved in a wreck like this, he knew that whoever was still inside the vehicle had to be stabilised.

Nowicki was preparing to make

his way into the ditch when Jeremiah reappeared with something wrapped in pink—a baby girl, he said to Loni, passing off the child before returning to Angela with the former firefighter in tow.

“That’s my brother!” corrected Lexi, who, following a once-over from Nowicki, was lying on Isaak’s sweater while the teen held an icy bottle of water to her neck. Loni rocked the baby in her arms. About twice a minute, Peter would stop wailing, stare into the sky with a frozen expression, then shriek again. Loni, a special education teacher for 16 years, had seen this happen with her students and recognised it as seizures.

Down the embankment, Angela was now sitting sideways, trying to open the driver’s side door. She kept referring to herself as a bad

Lexi Shymanski being airlifted to Seton General Hospital in Jasper

mother. “Let’s not talk like that,” said Nowicki. “This could happen to anyone.” Anxious to comfort her, he opened the door, pushed aside the airbag and showed Angela her children. There, at the edge of the road, was Peter in Loni’s arms and Lexi in the care of Isaak and Lise.

Once Angela had calmed down, Nowicki began going over the injury-assessment checklist. The seat belt had bruised her chest but more alarmingly, the woman was complaining of severe pain in her lower back. “Can you move your hands? Can you squeeze your fingers? Wiggle your toes,” said Nowicki. Everything seemed to be working, but he still wouldn’t allow her to leave without a stretcher.

Instead, he asked Angela for her husband’s phone number—he’d give

it to the first responders Loni had called using a satellite radio from a passing forestry worker. While he wrote the digits on the dusty, cracked windshield with his finger, Jeremiah, worried the smoking vehicle would catch fire, was fishing under the bumper for the battery cords. He wrapped his hand around the hot wires and tore at them until the horn finally cut out. The three of them waited quietly for 20 minutes, with only the sound of birds chirping, until ambulance sirens broke the silence.

The rescuers—paramedics and Royal Canadian Mounted Police— needed ropes to get up and down the embankment that Lexi had climbed alone and barefoot.

TRAVIS SHYMANSKI HAD just finished lunch at his desk when Angela called, mumbling something about an accident and about the kids being OK. In less than an hour, the 29-year-old was on a plane to Edmonton’s University of Alberta Hospital, where his wife had been flown by helicopter. After going into shock at Seton General Hospital in Jasper, Angela had been resuscitated by doctors. She was now conscious, but she’d suffered a dozen injuries to her head, lungs, liver and back.

Twenty-four hours after the accident, the situation looked slightly better for Angela. She had permanent nerve damage in her left leg, seemed to be suffering some amnesia and

The Shymanski family at home not long after the accident

was told she’d likely never again swim vigorously, do gymnastics or run competitively—but she might be able to walk. Peter, on the other hand, was struggling to keep his formula down after being discharged. Doctors readmitted him and did a CT scan to check for brain damage. The baby had intracranial swelling and bleeding, which was reduced with surgery. After a few days of worry, it was determined that he’d be fine.

Lexi, who refused to leave her father’s side, had little more than a few scratches and bumps on her hands and feet. However, Travis was worried about potential psychological strain and didn’t want his young daughter spending more time in the trauma ward than necessary, so he sent her away with his sister, then left to pick up lunch for Angela and himself.

His phone rang as he crossed the street outside the hospital. “Is this Travis?” asked a gravelly voiced man. It was Rick Nowicki, who had memorised the number Angela had called out to him.

Nowicki lived in the town of Hinton, 200 miles outside of Edmonton, and was in the city for an appointment. He was calling to ask if he could bring flowers for Angela and a teddy bear for the child who had saved her family.

Lexi’s role in her family’s survival was news to Travis. Angela had told him what she’d heard from Lexi—that his daughter had escaped from the car and gotten help—but he didn’t know the details of her courage. “She’s a remarkable little girl,” Nowicki told him.

IN NOVEMBER 2015 the Royal Canadian Humane Association invited the family back to Edmonton. The charity wanted to award Lexi a medal for bravery.

At the awards ceremony, a reporter asked the child about her plans for the medal. She replied that she wanted to take it to school for show and tell. However, once she arrived home in Prince George, Lexi changed her mind. She decided to bring baby Peter instead.

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS…

The first webcam was invented by computer scientists at Cambridge University in order to monitor their coffee pot. Known as “the Trojan Room coffee pot”, the live stream aimed to avoid the disappointment of walking all the way to the kitchen, only to find the pot empty.

SOURCE: CL.CAM.AC.UK/COFFEE

4 Ways To Boost Your Income

Do you have space that you don’t use? Here’s how to make some money from it—without paying more tax

BY ANDY WEBB

Andy Webb is a personal finance journalist and runs the awardwinning money blog Be Clever With Your Cash

IT CAN BE TRICKY FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY to leave the family home for somewhere smaller, even if you could probably do with less space and more money. So if you’re staying put, you could make your home work for you and bring in some extra cash as part of the “sharing economy”.

These four tricks can turn your home into a mini business. You can earn £1,000 each year from these schemes without needing to declare it to the taxman, which is a nice little bonus. Of course if you want to earn more, you can—though check it won’t affect your entitlement to any benefits.

1. Let other people store stuff in your home

Sheds, garages and loft spaces are ideal spots for people to store their stuff. Storemates.co.uk allows you to list your empty storage space by square metre—people even list boot space and empty cupboards!

You’ll need to consider how and when they’ll be able to access their items, and insurance is covered by Storemates. However—and this goes for all the money-makers listed here—you should let your own insurer know if you plan to use your property for business use.

2. Rent out your drive

Parking is expensive and people are always looking for a cheaper place to put their car. If you live near a station you’ll

be able to tap into regular commuters, or if you’re close to a major attraction or event space you can offer it for weekend or tourist traffic.

Try JustPark.com and Parklet.co.uk to get an idea of what you could charge. You can offer long-term lets of your drive or garage, or operate it on a pay-as-you-park basis.

3. Hire out your car

If you only use your car for occasional trips, then you may as well make some cash from it.

Carclub.EasyCar.com lets you list your vehicle and how often you’d like to hire it out. Insurance for the car and driver is included in the rate, so you don’t need to adjust your own.

You can also get paid for giving someone a lift though sites such as

Liftshare.com. You can either offer a lift for a journey you’re already making or pick up a request that someone else has posted.

4. Get someone in your spare room

This final boost could be an even bigger earner, and might also make your home feel a little less empty. You can make £7,500 tax-free a year through the “rent-a-room” scheme. This works out as a monthly rent of £625 and you can advertise on sites such as SpareRoom.co.uk. If you’re not keen on someone permanent, you can also look for temporary lodgers.

Monday-to-Friday rents are increasingly popular, while short lets to holidaymakers through AirBnB let you choose who stays

My Mum’s Money

RECENTLY I WAS

ASKED who my money hero was, and straight away I knew the answer could only be one person—my mum. She’s as savvy a consumer as anyone I know, so each month I’m going to share with you what she’s been up to.

How she saved 30 per cent on a sofa bed—after buying it! You probably know about John Lewis’s price-match policy. If you find an item for less at a high street competitor, they’ll sell it to you for

the same price. What you might not know is you can price match for up to 28 days. Well, my mum has taken that a step further.

She recently bought a new sofa bed at John Lewis for £799. When it arrived, she and my dad struggled to work out how to convert it from sofa to bed (it’s never easy is it?). So my mum decided to check the John Lewis website to see if there were any instructions.

What she found instead was that the sofa was now on sale. After talking to the store she was able to get a 20 per cent refund. Great! But wait, it gets even better.

The day before the 28 days were up, she was in the shop again and saw it was now 30 per cent off. So a quick chat with staff secured her the further ten per cent, giving a total refund of £239.70!

My mum’s money tip:

“If you’re buying something expensive in any shop, not just John Lewis, always keep an eye to see if the price drops over the next month. You might be able to get money back.”

Spending Statistics

EACH YEAR THE OFFICE OF NATIONAL STATISTICS shares its Family Spending report. Based on the spending diaries of 5,000 households, it paints a picture of where our money goes. Here are some nuggets from the latest report:

■ UK households spend £529 a week on average.

■ Transport is our biggest cost, averaging £72.20 a week.

■ 50- to 64-year-olds spend more on eating and drinking out each week (£29.60) than any other age group.

■ People in North East England spend £200 less a week than those who live in London.

■ Over-65s spend more on newspapers than any other group, but less on books.

■ 50- to 75-year-olds have the most expensive holidays, averaging £1,600 a year.

MONEY WEBSITE OF THE MONTH:

Cheap Energy Club

moneysavingexpert.com/ cheapenergyclub

If you’re paying for gas and electricity on a standard variable tariff, you’re spending too much money—possibly hundreds of pounds too much.

Switching energy doesn’t have to be painful. In fact, using a comparison site can make it really simple to find a new gas and electricity provider. The one I use is Cheap Energy Club—set up by Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert.

It stands out from other similar sites because it holds your hand through the process, clearly telling you what information to enter and what customer service ratings the companies have achieved. It’ll also inform you when better deals are available and help you switch again. Plus there’s up to £30 cashback with most switches.

Easy-to-prepare meals and accompanying drinks

Middle Eastern Chicken Wrap

BY RACHEL WALKER

Rachel Walker is a food writer for numerous national publications. Visit rachel-walker.co.uk for more details

SINCE OTTOLENGHI OPENED HIS FIRST DELI

15 years ago, the craze for Middle Eastern food shows no sign of subsiding. The best part is that we’ve only scratched the surface with our new-found love for houmous and pomegranate. There’s still so much to discover. One of my recent finds is “zhoug”—a Yemeni sauce made from fresh herbs and chillies. It’s starting to crop up in supermarkets here, but it’s so easy to make your own.

Serves 4

• 600g (boneless) chicken thigh fillets

• 1 lemon, juiced

• 2tbsp olive oil

• 2tsp ground cumin

• ½tsp hot smoked paprika

For the quick pickle

• 120ml vinegar

• 1tbsp sugar

• ½ cucumber

• ½ red onion, thinly sliced

For the zhoug

• 100g parsley

• 100g coriander

• 3 chillies, deseeded

• 2 garlic cloves, crushed

• ½ lemon, juiced

• 120ml olive oil

• 1tbsp vinegar

• Salt, to taste

To serve flatbread or pitas, fresh herbs to garnish

1. Cut each chicken thigh into 4–6 pieces.

2. Mix the lemon juice, olive oil, ground cumin and paprika.

Toss the chicken thigh in the marinade, until coated. Refrigerate for 40 minutes.

3. Make the quick pickle by heating the vinegar and stirring in the sugar until it dissolves. Cut the cucumber in half, lengthways—scoop out the wet, seedy centre—then slice as thinly as possible. Put the slivers of cucumber and red onion in a jam jar. Pour in the pickling vinegar. Put on the lid, shake and leave for 25 minutes.

4. To make the zhoug, wash the still-tied bunches of fresh herbs. Shake to dry, and then cut the herbs just above the point that they’re tied. Put them in a blender—along with the chillies, garlic, lemon, oil and vinegar—and then blitz.

5. Grill or barbecue the chicken for 10–12 minutes, turning halfway through. Let people assemble their own wraps with the quick pickle, zhoug and chicken.

TIP…

This recipe is for a big batch of zhoug. Store in a sealable container with a film of olive oil on top— it will keep for 1–2 weeks. It’s the perfect accompaniment for barbecued meats, grilled fish and halloumi, or can be used as a dip.

Arabic & Alpine

A sensible rule when it comes to wine-pairing is to try and match food with wine from the same place. Argentinian steak makes sense with an Argentinian Malbec, for example, or Spanish paella with white Rioja.

When it comes to the Middle East, there are lots of up-and-coming pockets: the Bekka Valley in Lebanon or the Golan Heights in Israel are both regions to watch. The young market and small-scale vineyards mean that it’s rare to find a bottle in the UK for under a tenner, though.

If you want to try a classic example nonetheless, Majestic stocks a great Lebanese bottle for £11.99, which has deliciously jammy, dried figgy-date notes. It stands-up well to big, Middle Eastern flavours—but is perhaps best with a rich tagine.

PAIR WITH A FLAIR

When it comes to grilled chicken and fresh herb sauce, Gewurztraminer makes an interesting choice.

Sure, this Alpine wine seems a million miles away from the Middle East—but its exotic lychee, melon and floral notes make it a great fit. Waitrose stocks a good Gewurztraminer Turckheim. Its vibrant spiciness balances the fresh, zingy zhoug sauce.

Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference is also great value—with an aromatic dryness that’s spot-on with a summery, grilled chicken dish. It’s an Alpine-Arabic match made in heaven, which proves that there’s an exception to every rule.

■ Hochar Père et Fils 2012 Château Musar (14%), £11.99, majestic.co.uk

■ Gewurztraminer Turckheim, French, White Wine (13%), £9.99, waitrose.com

■ Sainsbury’s Alsace Gewurztraminer, Taste the Difference (13%), £8, sainsburys.co.uk

Pudding of the Month

Two-Fruit Salad With Mint Sugar

Of course, the best fruit salads are crammed with fresh, seasonal fruits. But at this time of year, when soft summer berries haven’t quite arrived, you may have to be resourceful. If fresh British raspberries aren’t in store, then use frozen instead.

Serves 6

• 400g raspberries

• 1 ripe pineapple, cut into chunks

• 100ml orange juice

• 20g fresh mint, picked

• 2–3tbsp caster sugar

1. Pour the orange juice into a bowl. If using frozen raspberries, tip them into the juice and leave them at room temperature to defrost. Then, add the pineapple.

2. Put the mint leaves and caster sugar in a pestle and mortar, and bash it until the leaves break down and the sugar turns green. Sprinkle a teaspoon of the mint sugar over a portion of the fruit salad just before eating.

#CookForSyria Recipe

Book, Amazon, £17. Great recipes, stunning photography; all profits donated to charity.

BARGAIN

Home copper tray, Sainsbury’s, £12. Perfect for a Middle Eastern mezze.

BLOW OUT

Pomegranate Iznik side plate, V&A, £51 for a set of six. Beautiful Arabesque patterns.

BY LYNDA CLARK

Lynda Clark is a homes, property and interiors expert, and editor of First Time Buyer magazine

Coastal Living

BRING THE SEASHORE INTO YOUR HOME

this summer with white painted walls, weathered wood furniture and nautical accessories. Go for calming whites, washed-out denim and cool shades of blue, adding seaside-inspired accessories such as cushions, chrome lanterns, ropework baskets and wall art.

While it’s important to keep the space informal, light and fresh, don’t be afraid to experiment with bold nautical blue and white stripes for upholstery.

Shore clock, £12; woven baskets, £22; coastal scene oak effect wall art, £12; standing oyster catcher, £5; white lantern, £10; woven stripe cushion, £12; oyster catcher cushion, £12; blue and white stitch cushion, £14.

■ All available at Sainsbury’s (sainsburys.co.uk)

Get The Look

Beachy accessories for a nautical feel.

■ Regatta cushion, £60, postcardshome.co.uk

■ Set of two rope baskets, £25, very.co.uk

■ “Beach rules” lighthouse sign, £7, tch.net

■ Sardine melamine dinnerware, from £3, houseoffraser.co.uk

SOW AND GROW

May is the perfect time to start sowing seeds. The sunflower—a true perennial with its vibrant yellow bloom—will certainly brighten your garden and attract birds and butterflies. Sow herbs such as dill and parsley into pots or containers. Radish seeds can be planted directly into the soil and will complete a delicious home-grown salad during the summer. You can buy garden seeds, for a very resonable 50p per packet, at Flying Tiger stores (flyingtiger.com).

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Enjoy pottering in the garden with these handy accessories

Take care of your seedlings with this wooden tray, £12

A comfortable garden kneeler covered in wipe-clean cotton canvas, £16.95 (annabeljames.co.uk).

Practical and stylish secateurs by Orla Kiely, £24.99 (inkoo.co.uk).

2018 Grand World Cruise

121 night Grand Circumnavigation of the Globe

Columbus departs London Tilbury 5th January 2018

Discover paradise islands, breathtaking scenery and natural wonders contrasting with vibrant cities and fascinating lifestyles as Columbus takes you to a cornucopia of exciting destinations. From the Caribbean and Central America, Columbus will transit the Panama Canal sailing via islands of the South Seas to New Zealand and Australia, before embarking on an exploration of the magical Far East and India. Discover ultra-modern Dubai and Muscat plus the ancient sites of Egypt and Jordan before the Suez Canal leads Columbus to the Mediterranean homeward bound.

World Cruise Itinerary

London Tilbury - Amsterdam (Netherlands) - Lisbon (Portugal) - Funchal (Madeira) - Bridgetown (Barbados)

- St George’s (Grenada) - Cartagena (Colombia)Cristobal for Panama City (Panama) - Transit Panama Canal - Nuku Hiva (Marquesas Islands) - Papeete (overnight, Tahiti) - Mo’orea (French Polynesia) - Bora Bora (French Polynesia) - Crossing International Date Line - Auckland (New Zealand) - Tauranga for Rotorua (New Zealand) - Bay of Islands (New Zealand) - Sydney (overnight, Australia) - Yorkey’s Knob for Cairns & Barrier Reef - Darwin (Australia) - Komodo (Indonesia) - Manila (Philippines) - Shanghai (2 nights, China)

- Hong Kong (overnight, China) - Chan May for Da Nang (Vietnam) - Phu My for Ho Chi Minh City (Vietnam)

- Ko Samui (Thailand) - Laem Chabang for Bangkok (Thailand) - Singapore - Port Klang for Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia) - Penang (Malaysia) - Colombo (Sri Lanka)Cochin for Delhi and Agra (India) - Mumbai (India) - Dubai (United Arab Emirates) - Muscat (Oman) Safaga for Luxur (Egypt) - Aqaba for Petra (Jordan) - Transit Suez Canal

- Piraeus for Athens (Greece) - Valletta (Malta) - Gibraltar

- London Tilbury

Up to £1000pp Onboard credit* Included Gratuities & Beverage Package+ Half Price Singles From £11,359 Limited availability offer book now!

De Luxe Balcony and Junior Balcony Suites

Onboard Credit of £1,000pp

Crew Gratuities worth £484pp included

Beverage package with lunch and dinner included Upgrade to All Inclusive drinks for £5pp per night

Superior & Standard Plus Ocean View Twins & Singles

Onboard Credit of £500pp Or Travel Insurance#

Crew Gratuities worth £484pp included

Special All Inclusive drinks for £10pp per night

Premium and Superior Plus Ocean View Twins

Onboard Credit of £500pp Or Travel Insurance#

Crew Gratuities worth £484pp included

Beverage package with lunch and dinner included

Upgrade to All Inclusive drinks for £7pp per night

Standard Ocean View Twins & Singles

Crew Gratuities worth £484pp included

Port parking £299 - that’s less than £2.50 a day!

Offers subject to availability and may be withdrawn without notice. Terms and conditions apply visit www.cruiseandmaritime.com. Prices are per person based on two adults sharing a twin cabin. Gratuities at £4pp per night apply to all inner and voyager grade cabins. Excludes visa costs. *Onboard credit applies to Standard Plus ocean view cabins and above and is non refundable/non creditable. +Beverage package applies to Superior Plus ocean view cabins and above. ^Voyager cabin guarantee (cabin allocated at ticketing stage), benefits do not apply. #Travel Insurance up to 64yrs subject to status (65-70yrs - £300pp supplement, 71- 95yrs - £600pp supplement). Cancellation cover up to £15,000pp for cruise fare. All Inclusive drinks package is only available to purchase for the entire duration of the cruise and if all occupants of the cabin purchase it. Please note that the duration stated for this cruise (that crosses the International Date Line) is based on the calendar year. This cruise is however priced accordingly to take account of any lost or gained days when crossing the Date Line. Highlights may be subject to pre-registering specific shore excursions and are subject to operation and weather conditions. Calls cost 5p per minute plus your telephone company’s

The latest accessories, apps and consoles to keep you entertained

Inspect A Gadget

BY OLLY MANN

Olly is a technology expert, radio presenter

and podcaster

RUARK MR1 MK2, £330

There are dozens of quality bookshelf speakers to choose from nowadays but, typically, premium products are rendered in a super-modern style. That’s fine if you live in a trendy loft apartment decked out with minimalist Scandi furniture, but if you’d rather something more subtle, the MR1s are a fantastic choice. Their handmade walnut casing and fabric grilles have a relaxed, classic feel about them but, with aptX Bluetooth streaming, remote control and an optical out, they also have every mod-con you could want—and, most importantly, they sound wonderful.

APPLE APP OF THE MONTH: B&Q

GARDENS, FREE

If spring appears to have sprung more fulsomely in other people’s gardens than your own, this is a useful weapon. Simply snap a photo

of a pretty plant you’ve spotted and this app will identify its species and variety, enabling you to buy your own. It can also identify weeds and what products you could buy (at B&Q, of course) to treat them.

NINTENDO SWITCH, £280

The runaway success—if you’ll pardon the pun—of Super Mario Run has proven there’s a dedicated smartphone audience for Nintendo’s colourful characters; surely it’s only a matter of time before all their major titles are resurrected as apps. So what’s the case for buying a dedicated portable console? To committed gamers, Switch offers much to admire: it seamlessly docks with your TV, so you can fluidly “switch” gameplay from sofa to commute; it has enough processing oomph to support beautiful openworld games such as Zelda: Breath of the Wild; and, with its physical buttons, it’s more satisfying to play for a protracted period than a phone. As a casual gamer though, I’m happy with my apps.

SUNNYCAM ACTIV, £120

After numerous false starts (Google abandoned its Glass project in 2015) we really are about to enter a world of videocapturing spectacles.

Social media company Snap have got it right with their Spectacles product—fun, plastic specs that upload ten-second movies directly to Snapchat—while this effort from Sunnycam is aimed at the actionsports market. Their Activ glasses can record over 11 hours of video, if used with a 64GB microSD card. But the camera quality is poor, the build quality feels cheap and the design is very middle-aged-man-in-Lycra. If you’re off mountain biking or skiing, stick with a GoPro for now.

ANDROID APP OF THE MONTH: RADIO

GARDEN, FREE

TuneIn remains the most reliable app for international radio, but if you prefer a bit of serendipity, try Radio Garden. Like a B-movie megalomaniac choosing which country to invade, you spin a satellite map, tap on a location, and instantly hear live radio from that region. You can switch from a country music station in Houston, to a talk radio network in Scotland, to a hip hop station in Sydney in seconds.

BY GEORGINA YATES

Georgina is a fashion and beauty editor for numerous travel titles and a blogger at withgeorgia.com

A Firm Approach

RETINOL (OTHERWISE KNOWN AS VITAMIN A)

is one of the few skincare ingredients that research has proven to be effective in reducing visible signs of ageing. From the age of 20 our skin loses roughly one per cent of collagen every year, resulting in a reduction of firmness and formation of fine lines and creases. Combatting these signs of ageing, retinol improves the skin by boosting cell turnover, increasing its firmness and having a knock-on effect on wrinkles and enlarged pores in the process.

Murad’s Retinol Youth Renewal Serum (£65, murad.co.uk), is one of these highly effective retinol products that’s incredibly gentle on the skin. If you’re new to using retinol or have sensitive skin, start slowly. Mix a few drops of the serum in with your moisturiser or use a thin layer before moisturising every other day. You’ll notice a difference within a few weeks.

SUMMER SPRAY

■ Prep-and-prime sprays refresh your skin both before and after you’ve applied your make-up. Urban Decay’s Vitamin-Infused Complexion Prep Priming Spray (£23.50, urbandecay.co.uk) hydrates and leaves behind a summery coconut scent.

FAKING IT

■ It’s time for knee-length dresses and short sleeves, but if you’re feeling unprepared for bearing your limbs then try Green People’s Self Tan Lotion (£18, greenpeople. co.uk). It moisturises while building a non-streaky tan that looks like the real deal.

PRINTWORKS For Her

■ A summer showstopper, this red-print tea dress is perfect for day and evening (£25, marksandspencer.com).

For Him

■ Would it be a summer wardrobe without at least one blooming lovely Hawaiian shirt (£45, whitestuff.com)?

■ Be pretty in print from head to toe in these dazzling trousers (£75, phase-eight.com).

■ These floral pumps are sure to put spring in your step (£28, cathkidston.com).

■ For style with personality, opt for this bee-print tie. It’s bound to add a summer buzz to your workwear (£15, marksandspencer.com).

■ If you’d prefer to go for something a little more subtle, this lightweight, “water print” tee will keep you on-trend (£40, jaeger.co.uk).

In this month’s reads we’re captivated by mysterious disappearances and Nazi wives

May Fiction

b y J AME s

WA lT o N

James writes and presents the BBC Radio

4 literary quiz The Write Stuff

Into the Water

by Paula Hawkins (Doubleday, £20)

It’s almost impossible not to use the phrase “eagerly-awaited” here. In 2015, Paula Hawkins’s debut thriller The Girl on the Train became a huge global best-seller—and it’s remained one ever since, transforming her from unknown author to multi-millionaire. In the circumstances, she’d have been well within her rights to provide a perfectly solid follow-up, simply giving us more of the same.

Instead, Into the Water is far more ambitious than its predecessor, juggling several plots from the perspectives of no fewer than 12 of its characters. The setting is a north-eastern village with a nearby stretch of water known as “The Drowning Pool” that’s just claimed the latest two of its many female victims. The inevitable question, though, is did they jump or were they pushed? Hawkins is in no hurry to tell us, but gradually the different narratives are all brought together. Yet, while there’s no doubting her talent, at times the book perhaps feels a bit too ambitious—not always avoiding the

NAME THE AUTH o R

(Answer on p128)

Can you guess the writer from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)?

1. Her characters include Cameron Paradise and Jack Python.

2. Her first novel was described by fellow romantic novelist Barbara Cartland as “nasty, filthy and disgusting”.

3. Her older sister starred in the film versions of two of her most famous books.

boundary between the satisfyingly complicated and the rather unwieldy.

Solitaire by Jane Thynne (Simon & Schuster, £8.99) Jane Thynne’s Clara Vine novels must be among the most reliably enjoyable reads around. And in the fifth stand-alone book of the series, all the familiar virtues are again in place. Clara herself remains an extremely likeable heroine, as she negotiates the tricky business of working in Nazi Germany as both an actress and a British spy. The sense of place is as thrillingly vivid as ever— Thynne has clearly done her homework—yet she drops in the telling details with a casualness that only makes them more devastating. (The children in an orphanage cheerfully sing a nursery rhyme about “staying away from every Jew”.) Possibly best of all, she still ingeniously combines her fictional characters with factual ones. Clara continues to mingle with the wives of the Nazi leaders: women often forgotten about now, but who were, at the very least, a fascinatingly weird bunch. During a trip to Lisbon in 1940, she also meets the deeply sinister Edward and Mrs Simpson, along with a British intelligence officer who introduces himself as “Fleming. Ian Fleming”—and later orders martinis, stirred not shaken.

PAPERbAcks

■ Precious and Grace by Alexander Mccall smith (little, brown, £8.99) The latest instalment from the irresistible No 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, with Precious Ramotswe on her usual utterly charming form.

■ For the Glory by Duncan Hamilton (Transworld, £9.99)

The extraordinary life of Eric Liddell, as featured in Chariots of Fire, by one of Britain’s finest sports writers—who follows Liddell beyond his Olympic triumph and on into his career as a missionary.

■ Commonwealth by Ann Patchett (bloomsbury, £8.99)

One of the fictional highlights of 2016: the sharp, wise and poignant tale of an American family over 50 years.

■ Making Tracks: A WhistleStop Tour of Railway History by Peter saxton (Michael o’Mara, £7.99) A fascinating, fact-filled must for train lovers.

■ This Was a Man by Jeffrey Archer (Pan, £7.99) Archer’s best-selling Clifton Chronicles end with another page-turner— climaxing, of course, in a shocking twist.

RD’s REcoMMENDED READ

One man’s moving story of love, death and managing the unbearable weight of loss

Living With Grief

Andrew M A rsh A ll is A MA ritA l ther A pist and best-selling author of self-help books about relationships. But in 1997, one of the most important relationships of his own life ended in tragedy, when his partner Thom died aged 43.

For the next year, Andrew kept a diary of his thoughts and, given that it was never intended for publication, the result is startlingly honest. Not all his conflicting emotions may be noble—but they’re always wholly understandable. He’s decided to publish it now, partly because it’s proved helpful to any grieving friends he’s shared it with over the years, and partly to mark the

20th anniversary of Thom’s death. Anybody who’s ever lost somebody they love will, I suspect, find much of it powerfully recognisable and even oddly comforting.

My Mourning Year: a Memoir of Bereavement, Discovery and Hope by Andrew Marshall is published by Red Door at £9.99

And, as those people will know, life somehow goes on. The diary also records Andrew’s continuing work as an agony uncle and journalist, most notably interviewing famous people about turning points in their lives for The Independent. One of the most surprising stories comes from Ingrid Pitt, now best remembered as a blonde beauty in Hammer Horror films—but, as we learn, also a Holocaust survivor.

Andrew met Thom, a teacher from

Germany, in 1989, but not until the mid-90s did they end up living together in Britain. Thom spent his last days back in Dortmund, with his family, and Andrew, gathered around his hospital bed.

The following edited extracts from different parts of the book give a sense of how Andrew responded to finding himself “camping out in the ruins of my old life”. And they begin with him clearing out the hospital room after Thom’s death…

Sunday 9 March 1997— Germany

Although there were only a couple of sports bags, it took ages to sort through everything. As it was cold outside, I decided to wear one of Thom’s quilted jackets. I reached into the pocket and found a receipt from Tesco. It was brightly coloured with Christmas decorations and I lovingly ran my eye down the purchases: oranges, shelled walnuts, mincemeat 600g, kitchen roll x 4. Physical proof that we had a life together. I was loved and did love, but now all I had was this debris.

Sunday 11 May—Home

This afternoon, I was working in the garden. It was a pleasure to be out in the open air but my energy levels were still poor. I stopped and looked around. During Thom’s decline I had mowed the lawn but not much else. How would I ever catch up?

ANDREW MARsHAll’s cHoicE oF books

AboUT gRiEF

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. The strange deals you try and cut with fate to stay sane after your husband dies of a sudden coronary attack, while your daughter has been put into an induced coma.

“You’ll Get Over It”: The Rage of Bereavement by Virginia ironside. The only book that came close to explaining why I felt so angry.

H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald. To cope with her grief over the death of her father and to cover the fact that she wasn’t really coping, Macdonald bought and trained a hawk.

Murmurations of Love, Grief and Starlings by Julia blackburn. Beautiful meditation on the sudden death of her husband. The 33 verses of poetry are accompanied by photographs of starlings in the evening sky over Walberswick in Suffolk.

Dog Days by Mark Doty. The pleasures and unavoidable heartbreak of loving people, life and dogs.

Perhaps it would be easier if I just killed myself! Shocked, I put down the shears and sat on the edge of the rockery. Even in the darkest early days, I had never considered suicide, but now the first flush of pain was receding and I felt well enough to kill myself? Perhaps blitzing the garden hadn’t been such a good idea.

The desire to kill myself might have lasted only a few seconds but it had been so wonderfully invigorating

I cleared up the cuttings and put away the lawnmower. More considered thoughts replaced the suicidal ones. I closed the garden shed, covered my face with my hands and wept. The desire to kill myself might have lasted only a few seconds but it had been so wonderfully invigorating. So easy. So perfect. I think it’s time to get some counselling.

Saturday 14 February 1998

Valentine’s Day was suffocating. Today the world was divided into the haves and have-nots and this year I

AND THE NAME oF

THE AUTHoR is… Jackie Collins, whose first novel was The World Is Full of Married Men, and whose sister Joan was in The Stud and The Bitch.

belong firmly to the second category. A journalist phoned me for a quote and I tried to be detached and funny: ‘If love was a car, we certainly would refuse a ride; look at the accident rate, almost 50 per cent of all relationships end in divorce. But oblivious to all the pile-ups we drive past on the other side, our hearts full of flowers and chocolates.’

I want to preach the gospel of selfreliance, stand on my own two feet, enjoy your independence—but the truth is, independence is grossly over-estimated.

Monday 9 March [the first anniversary of Thom’s death]

I found I could bear the anguish. Perhaps this is the reality of mourning: you never get over the loss, but reassemble the daily minutiae into a new life.

At the beginning it feels like a box of flat-pack furniture with the instructions in Swedish, but finally you discover that tab A can slide into slot B.

Eventually you own something quite functional—even though there are always a few screws left over and it never looks as good as it does in the catalogue.

Books

THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Irish writer Colm Tóibín is the author of several award-winning novels, including Brooklyn and The Master. He’ll be talking at The Bath Festival this month about his new book, House of Names.

The Sun Also Rises

BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY

Before university I worked in a Dublin bar and, whenever I wasn’t busy, I read this book. I was gripped by the charmed lives of the characters, their sexual shenanigans and their travels in Spain. The idea that the night was a time for pleasure intrigued me, and it had never occurred to me that food and the way the table was set mattered and, more importantly, was something to delight in. Straight after university I left Ireland to live in Spain.

Go Tell It on the Mountain

BY JAMES BALDWIN

This semiautobiographical novel tells the story of John Grimes and his very religious Pentecostal upbringing in 1930s Harlem. It was the first book

I read where I thought, I understand what the author is talking about. I was a white Irish Catholic but the book showed me that I wasn’t confined by my own experience— religion could be something both dutiful and liberating. Later I came to see that Catholicism wasn’t for me, but the book showed me that within the constrictions of faith there are other truths to be celebrated.

A Portrait of a Lady

BY HENRY JAMES

It wasn’t until I was about halfway through this classic novel that I realised it was about being entrapped—and I was suddenly surprised and fascinated by the darkness within the pages. Twenty years later I wrote The Master, evoking a time in Henry James’ life and work without mimicking or parodying—but by trying to capture his inner life. As told to Caroline Hutton

You Couldn’t Make It Up

Win £50 for your true, funny stories! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

I WAS ABOUT to have my first operation—a tonsillectomy—and naturally I was quite frightened.

The surgeon tried to put my mind at ease. “I do these operations on a daily basis,” he told me. “It’s an easy and completely non-invasive procedure.”

I started to feel calmer until his nurse chipped in, “You’re more likely to die from the anaesthetic!”

JAYNE WILE, Anglesey

MY DAUGHTER was disappointed when a pair jeans she’d ordered didn’t fit her—and asked me to package them up and return them.

I couldn’t help but notice the comments on the return slip that I placed inside the parcel.

Where they’d asked why the item was being returned she’d written, “They hurt my feelings!”

“Mum, Dad, meet Doner…”

gotten lost. Her dad asked her if she was near any landmarks that would help him work out where she was.

“Yes,” she retorted. “I’m under the moon!”

J SUMMER, London

CARYS MCCALEY, London

SHORTLY AFTER passing her driving test, our daughter went out for a long drive on her own. Sometime later we got a call from her because she’d

I TOOK MY GRANDMOTHER with me to the drive-through at McDonald’s. A thrifty lady all her life, she could spot the word “free” from a hundred yards away.

As I gave our order, she said she’d

have a “wi-fi” as well, as she’d noticed it was free.

I had to explain to her that it meant free wi-fi connection!

KENDRA AITKINS, Wirral

AFTER ASKING MY CLASS to draw a picture of a famous sailor and his ship, one pupil just drew me the sea and a dot.

When I asked him what it was he retorted, “That’s Drake, way out to sea.” KAY MADDOCKS, Hertfordshire

WHILE WATCHING TV, my six-yearold granddaughter rushed into the kitchen in distress shouting, “It’s disgusting, it shouldn’t be allowed!”

“What’s the matter Rosie?” her mother asked.

“They’re peeling a sheep!” she replied. She’d been watching sheep shearing on a wildlife programme.

WENDY CARR, Essex

HOME ALONE ONE DAY, my (then rather weighty) father decided to clean out the fridge, and was sat on a dining chair leaning all the way in so he could reach the back.

My mum came home and asked him, “What are you doing? Having lunch?” JOSIE DRURIE, Flintshire

MY CREATIVE WRITING CLASS was tasked with writing an essay using as few words as possible but containing four elements—religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The winning essay came from one man who wrote this: “ ‘My God,’ said the Queen. ‘I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?’ ” MICHAELA

BRYN, Liverpool

I LEFT MY NIECE at home while I ran to the paper shop next door. When I returned, I asked if anyone had called round. She said, “Yes the old lady next door. She asked me to tell you she lost her husband last night.”

“Oh no,” I replied, “What did you say back to her?”

“I told her I would get you to help her look for him when you got back.” He had actually passed away!

LEE HALL, Kent

MY HUSBAND HAD TO go into hospital for emergency surgery. I very quickly made up his toilet bag with all the supplies he’d need— toothpaste, soap, wet wipes and so on.

I was allowed into see him soon after he came out of theatre. He had a temperature and was very hot and sweaty.

I took the wet wipes out of his toilet bag and proceeded to wipe his brow and face.

When I went in to see him the next day, I found him sitting up in bed looking like a commando, with brown stripes streaked across his brow and face.

In my haste I’d put tanning wipes in his bag! He didn’t find it very funny.

ISOBEL PATON, Stirlingshire

YES I want to subscribe to Reader’s Digest Magazine for just £3 for 3 issues (a saving of £8.37 on the shop price of £11.37 based on the cover price of £3.79 per issue). I understand that if I do not wish to continue receiving Reader’s Digest after my first 3 issues I can simply cancel my subscription by contacting customer services. If I do want to continue to subscribe after my first 3 issues I need do nothing and my subscription will automatically be renewed at the low rate of £4.99 for every 3 issues until I decide otherwise.

Word Power

You might say we’re using strong language this month. Our vocabulary quiz features words about power—having it, getting it or lacking it. After flexing your mental muscles, turn to the next page for answers.

BY EMILY COX & HENRY RATHVON

1. anneal v —A: toughen. B: weaken gradually. C: submit to authority.

2. doughty adj—A: hesitant. B: willing to yield power. C: stout-hearted.

3. enervated adj —A: lacking vigour. B: strengthened. C: glorified.

4. dint n —A: heavyweight. B: power. C: electrical unit.

5. proxy n —A: strong liking. B: authority to act for another. C: king’s royal guard.

6. thew n —A: muscular strength. B: castle wall. C: term of surrender.

7. buttress v—A: shore up. B: challenge. C: dethrone.

8. preponderate v —A: seize control. B: influence by insidious means. C: have greater importance.

9. duress n —A: queen’s sister. B: sovereign rule. C: compulsion by threat.

10. puissant adj—A: powerful. B: subdued by fear. C: cowardly.

11. arrogate v—A: supply with weapons. B: seize unjustly. C: crown contentiously.

12. effete adj—A: marked by weakness. B: brawny. C: able to get things done.

13. attenuate v—A: make firmer. B: make longer. C: make weaker.

14. coup n—A: strong and unequivocal signal. B: head honcho. C: power grab.

15. ex officio adj —A: out of power. B: by virtue of position. C: abstaining from a vote.

Answers

1. anneal—[A] toughen. “Fans of Leicester City FC were annealed by decades of misery.”

2. doughty—[C] stout-hearted. “Prince Ari was a meek little boy, but he grew up to be a doughty warrior.”

3. enervated—[A] lacking vigour. “My bout with the flu left me enervated for weeks.”

4. dint—[B] power. “Chloe doesn’t have an ear for languages, but she has become proficient in German by dint of hard work.”

5. proxy—[B] authority to act for another. “Tweedledum couldn’t attend the vote, so he gave Tweedledee his proxy.”

6. thew—[A] muscular strength. “That guy Biff is all thew and no brains.”

7. buttress [A] shore up. “My puny allowance isn’t doing much to buttress my savings.”

8. preponderate [C] have greater importance. “In recent years, online news outlets have begun to preponderate over traditional print newspapers.”

9. duress—[C] compulsion by threat. “Jenny will eat broccoli, but only under duress.”

10. puissant—[A] powerful. “Octogenarians can still be plenty puissant—think Warren Buffett or Queen Victoria.”

11. arrogate—[B] seize unjustly. “When my mother comes to visit, she immediately arrogates my kitchen.”

12. effete—[A] marked by weakness. “With every failure, Wile E Coyote’s schemes seem more effete.”

13. attenuate—[C] make weaker. “We wear earplugs to attenuate the upstairs neighbours’ stomping.”

WORD OF THE DAY*

14. coup—[C] power grab. “The empress had the two conspirators arrested after their attempted coup.”

BELEAGUER

To put in a very difficult situation.

Alternative suggestions:

“The optimism of Ian in EastEnders.”

“When a couple argue because the wife is going to be late—again.”

“Someone who likes to inflate balloons.”

15. ex officio [B] by virtue of position. “All managers are ex officio members of the company football team.”

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BrainTeasers

Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers, then check your answers on page Xx.

Bee-Featers

The larger diagram below represents a beehive. The queen is there somewhere, her position obscured for security purposes. The visible bees are four royal guards and one ambassador from another hive. A dutiful royal guard must be either in a cell adjacent to the queen or else have the queen visible down one of their sight lines, looking ahead of them as shown in the example below. (The bee in the example can see the white cells and all the others lying in that direction, but not the shaded cells.) Where is the queen?

siGhtline example

mUscle BUildinG

Jeremy resolved to get in shape by doing push-ups every morning before work. Each day from Monday to Friday, he did ten more push-ups than he’d done the day before. If Jeremy did 50 push-ups on Thursday, how many push-ups did he do in total from Monday to Friday?

(Bee-featers) Darren r ig B y; (Muscle Buil D ing) f raser s i M pson

shape shUFFle

Rearrange the shapes below into a new sequence that conforms to the following rules:

n The triangle is to the immediate left of the pentagon.

n The circle is to the left of the square and to the right of the triangle.

n The octagon is not the last figure in the sequence.

n None of the shapes remain in their original position.

split-level maze

The numbers in the diagram represent the heights of the platforms making up a maze. The differences in the heights are such that you can safely move horizontally and vertically so long as the levels you’re moving to and from are only one level apart (e.g. from a 3 you can move to a 2 or a 4). You carry a stool that will let you go up two levels, but only once. How will you get from start to finish?

addition Form

Replace each letter in the equation below with a single digit (the same digit everywhere it appears) to make a correct addition. You may not use different letters to stand for the same digit. What number is ABCD?

Brainteasers: Answers

Bee-Featers

The queen’s position is marked with an X, and the ambassador is highlighted. x

mUscle BUildinG 200 push-ups.

shape shUFFle split-level maze

addition Form

ABCD = 1834.

When the shape below is folded to form a cube, which is the only one of the following that can be produced?

the first correct answer we pick on May 3 wins £50!* email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

£50 prize qUestion answer published in the June issue answer to april’s prize qUestion

d. the top numbers proceed +1, -2, +3, -4 (the next being +5); and the bottom numbers proceed -1, +2, -3, +4 (the next being -5). so the next domino must be 6 on top, zero below.

and the £50 Goes to… Ann Cuthbert, Lincolnshire

Laugh!

Win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

A PREGNANT WOMAN wakes up in hospital after an accident.

“It’s OK,” the nurse reassures her. “You had a little accident but you’re going to be fine, and guess what? You gave birth to twins—a girl and a boy.”

“Twins?”

“Yes, they’re fine. Your brother was here and he named them.”

“Oh no,” the mother replied. “He’s an idiot! What did he call them?”

“Well, the girl is called Denise.”

Breathing a sigh of relief she asked, “And what about the boy?’

“He’s called Denephew.”

SEEN ON BUZZFEED.COM

THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION at a cheese factory in France.

All that was left was de Brie.

CUTHBERT WOOD, London

MY WIFE SAYS that I’m both unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her.

Hint: it starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet”. SEEN ON BUZZFEED.COM

IT ALWAYS STARTS INNOCENTLY. First you’re mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows—it’s a rocky road.

A MAN GOES FISHING for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a loud voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”

He ignores it and moves onto another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in.

Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish underneath the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

“No, this is the rink manager!”

COMEDIAN ALLISON JANNEY

DID YOU KNOW that if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the exact number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?

COMEDIAN TOM NEENAN

COMEDIAN ALEX KEALY

I THINK THAT a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

SEEN ON REDDIT.COM

A CEMENT MIXER collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

COMEDIAN RONNIE CORBETT

A MECHANIC WAS working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. Hmm! That isn’t too bad, he thought. The next day, he told his friend about the experience.

“It was pretty good, really. I think I’ll have more today.” His friend felt a little concerned, but he didn’t say anything.

The next day the mechanic boasted, “Do you know, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I’m going to have more.” A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.

“You know,” said his friend, “that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff.”

“Hey, it’s not a problem,” the mechanic reassured him. “I can stop any time!”

GRAHAME JONES, London

IT’S SURPRISINGLY difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They always take things literally.

SEEN ON THOUGHTCATALOG.COM

TOAD-ALLY CHIC

Chris Newsome gave a regular visitor to his porch a very special makeover (as seen at mashable.com).

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.

Life was tough in the gateau.

MELVYN DOVER, Dorset

MY GIRLFRIEND doesn’t think that I can fix the electric shower.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

SEEN ON REDDIT.COM

THE BIGGEST CHANGE I made after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house.

Now whenever I say a naughty word, I have to put a pound in the jar. At the end of every month, I take all that money and take myself out for a delicious steak for being such a cool dad.

COMEDIAN MARK CHALIFOUX

SOMEBODY RECENTLY said to me, “Mr President, you are so yesterday. Justin Trudeau has completely replaced you. He’s so handsome and he’s so charming. He’s the future.”

I resented that and I said, “Justin, just give it a rest.”

FORMER US PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

MY THERAPIST TOLD ME that the way to achieve true inner peace was to finish what I started.

So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

COMEDIAN DAVE BARRY

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY about how ships are kept together. Riveting.

COMEDIAN STEWART FRANCIS

TIME TO LEAVE

The users of Twitter remember the moment they decided to move house:

@HollynHeron: “My old roommate accidentally set our kitchen on fire one night, but he didn’t wake me up because he ‘didn’t want me to be mad’.”

@lj_6000: “A possum was living in the laundry room. The landlord didn’t do anything about it because ‘People seem to like it’.”

@alisonnewynn: “Came home to a note on the front door that said, ‘Don’t come in yet. It’s fine, don’t worry. But don’t come in’.”

@TheBrenpire: “My landlord explained our low ceilings by saying, ‘People were a lot smaller 100 years ago’.”

60-Second Stand-Up

We chatted with prince of pranksters,

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE OF YOUR OWN JOKES?

Donald Trump, because the material writes itself.

WHAT’S THE BEST PART OF YOUR CURRENT PROJECT?

For my Audible radio series, Mark Dolan’s VIP Lounge, I’ve met a mermaid, a professional troll, a vampire hunter and a woman who woke up one morning speaking Chinese. Quite an experience.

HAVE YOU FOUND PARTS OF THE COUNTRY FUNNIER THAN OTHERS?

Liverpool is the hardest place to play because everyone’s a comedian. I find I really have to raise my game when I perform there.

ANY MEMORABLE HECKLES?

I finished a show in Belfast by saying, “I’m in Belfast for the evening, where should I go after this?” Someone shouted, “Back home.”

WHO’S YOUR COMEDY INSPIRATION?

I like comedians who make their own rules. Billy Connolly and Eddie Izzard both do comedy on their own terms. I grew up watching the Pink Panther films, so I also love Peter Sellers.

IF YOU WERE A FLY ON A WALL, WHOSE WALL WOULD YOU BE ON?

My hero, Elton John. I’d love to hear him practising his music, writing new songs and witness some of those famous tantrums first hand.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I’d be called “No Sleep Man” and have the power to be awake 24/7. I love the idea of staying up late and never paying the price.

Mark Dolan’s VIP Lounge starts on Audible in the spring. For more information on Mark Dolan, visit markdolan.com

Beat the Cartoonist!

Think of a witty caption for this cartoon—the three best suggestions, along with the cartoonist’s original, will be posted on our website in midMay. If your entry gets the most votes, you’ll win £100

Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption by May 17. We’ll announce the winner in our July issue.

March’s Winner

He may have indisputable artistic skill but, once again, our cartoonist failed to impress readers with his words. “Do you have these in a longer tentacle?” received just 16 per cent of the votes, leaving the caption in last place. The winner, on the other hand, garnered over one third of the votes. The funny line? “OK, I’ll try it on, but you have to tell me if my bum looks big in it.”

Congratulations,

Malcolm Brownless!

IN THE JUNE ISSUE

Alexander McCall Smith

The author on Scotland and his “celestial jukebox”.

Plus

• Secrets of Your Body

• Best of British: Prehistoric Britain

• Paris’s Best Cafes

CARTOONS: STEVE JONES