Reader's Digest UK Mar 2011

What your plumber won't tell you: p114

DrIrs

"HERE, HOLD THIS PANDA"

Face to face with nature's most at-risk baby animals

THE MAN OF 1,000 PATENTS

Meet Britain's most prolific inventor

"JUST ME THE ROACHES AND THE RATS"

So why does Samantha Womack want to return to Africa's biggest slum?

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Contents CIFIT

36 Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 4 Holidays used to be a wash out, says James Brown, but he's worked out how to do them properly now

40 From Soap to Slum EastEnders star Samantha Womack has hit the headlines already this year—but her recent work for Comic Relief has put it all into perspective

48 Mile-High Club Stunning photos prove that even Milton Keynes can look good from the air. Well, almost

56 Don't Lose Your Mind: An A-Z Guide Eating nuts, standing on one leg and other ways to ward off the "senior moments"

62 Patent Genius He's been described by one academic as "the most gifted inventor I've come across". So why have so few of us ever heard of Tony Cuthbert?

68 Oh! What a Lovely Recession Worried about the economy? It turns out

that austerity is good for your health

72 Bringing Up Baby The future of a species may rest on whether these impossibly cute and furry babies survive

82 Stations of the Cross Reverends on the railways who tend to the sick, the needy—and the totally traumatised

90 I Remember Derren Brown on losing his faith, the art of performing and becoming an illusionist

96 How One Small Yacht...Took on Israel's Navy Highlighting injustice in Gaza spurred a small group of activists into action. But they didn't realise how dangerous things would get

104 Teaching Made Easy PCMeet the expert who believes that children might be better off using computers to teach themselves

FRONT COVER PHOTOGRAPH BY SEAMUS RYAN

On a trip to Cape Town a few years ago, we visited one of the huge slums just outside the city. Children of all ages crammed into a sagging one-room shack of a school,grateful to get any kind of education at all; the toilet was a bucket around the corner; a man nearby was making a living out of turning discarded drinks cans into decorations. We went home with a new recognition of how much we have—and how little we normally appreciate it.

Samantha Womack had a similar reaction when she went to the Kenyan slum Kibera with Comic Relief—but in her case she actually lived in the slum for a week, and has clearly been profoundly affected by her time there. If only as much attention could be focused on tackling such desperate living conditions as it was to her recentEastEnders storyline! Read about her experiences on page 4o.

Gill Hudson theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk Infacebook.com/readersdigestuk readersdigest.co.uk/magazineblogs twitter.com/rdigest

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ICRA IN SYNC WITH THE CITY

Now with improved fuel efficiency (up to 65.7mpg/593 miles between fill-ups*), lower insurance and no road tax to pay for the first year, the new Nissan Micra is the most affordable Micra to run, ever.

To find out more visit www.nissan.co.uk/micra From E9L 250 - £12,350t ideliall110111611111111111111111 411111111111111111111ft

*Refers to EXTRA URBAN fuel consumption figures — based on Micra 1.2 with manual transmission on a full tank of petrol. tModel shown is Micra 1.2 Tekna manual priced at £12,350 on the road plus optional metallic paint at £400 inc VAT. Information correct at time of going to press. Models subject to availability. Nissan Motor (GB) Ltd, The Rivera Office Park, Denham Way, Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire WD3 9YS. 002881/C Fuel consumption figures for Nissan MICRA Range: CO2 125-115g/km — URBAN 42.2-46.3mpg/6.7-6.1LJ100km — EXTRA URBAN 61.4-65.7mpg/4.6-4.3L/100kmCOMBINED 52.3-56.5mpg/5.4-5,0L/100km.

Writers

► Tony Edwards is a former BBC TV producer, specialising in programmes on science, technology and medicine. He is inspired by inventor Tony Cuthbert: "Although he left school at 15, is seriously dyslexic and lives in poverty, he could be the Edison of the 21st century," Edwards claims. Page 62

► "We tend to think of the recession as being all doom and gloom, and it has been a difficult time for many. But there's a positive side—we get healthier," says journalist and novelistAlison Kervin, who ponders the discoverythat a reductionin wealth produces an increase in health. Page 68

► Benji Wilson,journalist and TV critic forThe Daily Telegraph and theSunday Times,admits he was "always cynical about celebrities doing charity work", until he interviewed cover star Samantha Womack about her experiences in the Kibera slum for Comic Relief. Page 40

RD on the iPadI Don't forget to check out our fabulous iPad app! Go to theiTunes music store to download yours.

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Have your say

LETTER OF THE MONTH

Fossil fools

Matt Ridley's article "Cheer Up! It Will Never Happen" is nearly right—we're much better off than 5o years ago. My only quibble is his position on fossil fuels. He seems to dismiss global warming as nothing to worry about.

Nobody really knows if the warming already recorded is due to increased CO2 levels. But by the time it becomes clear, it may be too late. We know that in the Carboniferous age (when many of the fossil fuels were laid down), the CO2 in the atmosphere was three times today's levels. If we continue burning these fuels, who knows when the tipping point may occur. There will be no stuffing the genie back in the bottle if we get it wrong.

Ian Robertson, Ely, Cambridgeshire

I've been telling people foryears that the news is so called because the things reported are "new"—in the sense of exceptional. Most planes don't crash, most people get home safely from work, and a large majority of us will die peacefully in our sleep.

We should surely enjoy our eight- or nine-decade holiday on this amazing planet, expressing our joy in our own particular idiom. In Matt Ridley's case, his idiom is

And on

If we continue burning fossil fuels, there will be no stuffing the genie back in the bottle

exposing the unnecessary fear spread by politicians and the media.

Trevor Emdon, Thorverton, Exeter

I'm all for positive thinking, but treating "consumption" as a measure of wellbeing ignores the fact that much of it has been paid for with staggering levels of debt. Any amount of optimism cannot disguise how this country's attempt to borrow its way out of trouble will fuel inflation, leading to higher interest rates that will be hard to cope with for many. Maybe those in danger should consume a bit less.

dawnhfoster I just got chatted up by a bloke

balk using Reader's Digest as a prop. Smooth.

about 11 hours ago via TweetDeck

Tim Coles, Bedfordshire 1r/

Dieting with ease

It was great to read about "The Ultimate Diet". I've tried many diets over the years, with some success. But as soon as the diet stopped, the weight piled on again, often more than I'd lost.

However, dieting every other day is perfect. My down days are limited to 60o calories and my up days mean eating normally, including a packet of crisps or a bit of chocolate if I fancy it. This is now my diet for life—I'd recommend it to anybody who's been an unsuccessful dieter.

Sue Chamberlain, Newton Abbot, Devon

Not so tight

"How Mean Are You?" had many examples of stinginess, but I'm firmly on the side of the millionaire who buys sweets from Lidl instead of the cinema. How unfair to call her mean when she's treating her grandchildren to a trip to the movies, sweets and all.

My mum tells me I used to count exactly how many chips I got in burger bars

On the subject of meanness, my mother tells me I used to count exactly how many chips I got in burger bars. If my portion wasn't as big as my friends', I'd insist on asking for a discount—or more chips!

£££

Sian Roberts,

Make money by writing in! £50 for the letter of the month, £30 for alt others. See page 6 for details

In any case, why should she purchase sweets at an inflated price? It sounds to me like she knows the value of money. Abigail Watkins, Derbyshire

Let's hear it for Joan!

Stimulating reading obviously keepsyou perky in later life— Reader's Digest fans can take some inspiration from Joan Hunt, who's been readingthe magazine since she was 17! She says, "I particularly enjoy the letters [you'll be loving this month's then, Joan], and -'+10

Flintshire, Wales

Jobless misery

Reading "Why Unemployment Needn't Be a Disaster", it was clear that Andrew Douglas has little understanding of the harsh realities of unemployment for increasing numbers of people. Otherwise he wouldn't have written such a patronising, self-centred article.

I trust he'll declare any fee he earns from this feature to the Inland Revenue. That way, he can do his bit to support the genuine unemployed.

lain Stewart, Murcia, Spain

when I'm finished I send it to my son in the Isle of Man."

Now 85, despite poor sight,Joan (centre) spends her spare time knittingto help raise much-needed funds for Woking Hospice, often staying up until zam. "It takes me about two nights to knit a baby jacket," she says. (We're still working out how to cast on.)

A man for all seasons

"The Fell Guy", the tribute to Alfred Wainwright, had a special significance for me. In thei940s, my wife's aunt and uncle met Wainwright at a guesthouse and he showed them his notes on the Lakeland Fells. They persuaded him to turn it into a full-length guide...and the rest is history! And although he was regarded as a very private man, he corresponded for years with my wife's relatives.

Maurice Heslop, Stockton-on-Tees

Eyes wide open

"Stay up all night" was the advice for those struggling with depression in "40 FiveMinute Health Fixes". Having had a tough end to the year, I decided to try it. Not only did I get lots done while everyone was asleep—tidying, ironing and a trip to the 24-hour supermarket—but I've slept well every night since (and have more energy). Keeping my eyes open has opened my eyes! Rob Stevenson, Padstow, Cornwall

Clarifications: In our February article "Treating Your Genes", we state: "Breast cancer affects 45,000 women every year in the UK and kills 13,000 women under go."Although 13,000do die of breast cancer every year in the UK, only1,300 ofthem are

ATTENTION PLEASE!

Prize Draw winners!

Vic Read from Poole in Dorset is one of five winners who recently shared a £10,000 prize draw win. Vic and his partner Gwen (pictured below on the Great Wall of China) are both former a

teachers, but they now enjoy travelling —somethingthe £2,000 prize will help with. "It'll go towards a two-week holiday on the Black Sea coast of Bulgaria," says a delighted Vic.

>> Visit readersdigest.co.uk/prizedraw or read more at readersdigest. co.uk/rdprizedrawblog. Follow us on Twitter at PrizeDrawNicki

women undergo. Apologies for the error. In our item on National Sickie Day in our February issue, Dr Caroline Schuster would like to point out that she wasn't actively recommending that people skive off work —she was merely highlighting some of the psychological thought processes/tricks that peoplecommonly use to bunk off. •

WE WANT YOUR SUBMISSIONS!

Do you have a quirky gardening or beauty tip?Or perhaps some health advice? If so, we want to hear from you. We welcome all reader contributions—it's a great chance to seeyour name in print and earn some money in the process. We pay £50 for all published submissions to Health, Beauty, Gardening and Wildlife Watch (see p6 for details of other regular contributions). Send an email to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk.

Great value smartphones.

4,see

The latest Shakespeare to get a Hollywood update isThe Tempest. And, as a spectacle, it challenges even Baz Luhrmann'sRomeo + Juliet,with director Julie Taymor making the whole thing look like an explosive dream. Helen Mirren (above) plays Prospera, a sorceress washed up on a remote island (she's a he in the original play).

Rango. Johnny Depp voices a lost pet chameleon who becomes sheriff of a lawless desert town. Made by the directors ofPirates of the Caribbean,this is one of the most realisticlooking animated movies yet (apart from the lizards wearing cowboy hats).

Bill Nighy also stars—as Jr. an evil rattlesnake. NG,

P a

As the world turns increasingly into an episode ofStar Trek,the latest technological advance to hit our streets is the Nintendo 3DS. The world's first three-dimensional games console—which doesn't even need special glasses —is hand-held and has motion sensors to allowyou

TIME TO...

LISTEN

Radio 2's Stuart Maconie's pick of the recent music releases to playgames bytilting it. You can also film your own 3D movies.

Launch titles include ProEvolution Soccer 2011 andSuper Monkey Ball.

Live and Dangerous/Jailbreak/ Johnny the Fox by Thin Lizzy Think Springsteen shares a beer with Van Morrison at Dino's Bar & Grill. The 25th anniversary of Phil Lynott's death has prompted this tranche of welcome reissues and a reappraisal of Lizzy's worth. Here are great pop songs bolstered by hard-rock muscle and leavened by a twinkling of Celtic mysticism. And, of course, Lynott brought a raffish sexiness to the bass guitarist's role, traditionally occupied by a stony-faced "quiet one".

The Deep Field by Joan as Police Woman Think the jazzy Joni Mitchell ,'ets Cat Power. Joan Wasser's curious artistic nom de plume—derived from her NYPD garb at a fancy-dress party—may well lead you down the path marked "kooky". But that would be the garden path. Her music is closer to the smooth stylings of Steely Dan than to the outré indie-girl pop of PJ Harvey. But, if always tuneful, it's never banal.

21 by Adele Think Billie Holiday for the Facebook generation.If you enjoyed the blue-eyed soul of the genial, mouthy London kid's debut 19 (a showcase for her stunning voice and heartfelt lyrics) then you'll love this. Wilder and more ragged (in a good way), it reflects a recent education in US country and roots music provided by her bus driver during a Deep South tour.

Indulge your Celtic roots (real or imagined) with Britain's top celebrations of Ireland's patron saint on March 7.

• Birmingham. The St Patrick's Day parade (actually on Marchi3) will be a diverse affair, with contributions from numerous Brummie ethnic minorities.

• Crawley. The West Sussex town has its own monthlong fleadh—a celebration of Irish culture.

• Leeds. An ice rink, dinner dance and live dancing in the city centre are among the highlights.

• Manchester. A huge Irish festival includes a concert by Shayne Ward, a play about comedian Dave Allen and a perhaps-not-entirely-serious IrishXFactor competition.

• London. The capital hosts the country's biggest parade. There'll also be music, dance and other Irish cultural events in Trafalgar Square.

J• EAT

It's Animal Aid's annual Veggie Month,set up to combat animal cruelty. Try going meat-free at these top veggie restaurants. There's not a nut roast in sight.

» David Bann, Edinburgh. Dishes include ginger-andred-pepper udon noodles, or Jerusalem artichoke with creamed celeriac.

» Greens, Manchester. Co-owned by TV chef Simon Rimmer, it has won several accolades from the Manchester Food and Drink Awards, including Best Restaurant. » Canteen, Cardiff.A three-course meal featuring delights such as a beetroot, walnut and dill risotto will set you back just Ei4.50.

» Vanilla Black, London (right). The only veggie restaurant recommended by the Michelin Guide in London. The decor is punctuated with chandeliers.

» Terre a Terre, Brighton. Times food critic A A Gill called it "probably the best vegetarian restaurant in Britain" after dining on onion-and-chilli crumpets and pickled quail's eggs. IE)

CLEAN read

the credit-crunch way. This year's trendy, moneyconscious approach to domestic chores is seriously low-tech: Washing lines. Cheaper and more eco-friendly than tumble dryers, even

style websites such as The Women's Room are extolling the virtues of "pegging out".

Clothes airers. Another cheap way to dryyour smalls. John Lewis says that sales of the old-fashioned wooden concertina-type are up 5o per cent on lastyear. Feather dusters. They really do work (dirt clings to the feathers), according to Rachel Wythe-Moran, co-owner of London hardware shop Labour and Wait. "We sell hundreds and hundreds," she says. Carpet beaters. Put the Dyson away and have a workout. Prompted by demand, John Lewis are doing a new line this spring.

The Ancient Art of Tea, Warren Peltier (Tuttle, £15.50) Apart from playing badly in international football competitions, there is no custom more British than sitting down to a cup of tea. Self-confessed "teaist" Warren Peltier traces the 3,000-year history of the drink, translating ancient Chinese texts to reveal the secrets of how to brew a perfect cup. Did you know that the water is best boiled over a direct flame? Nope, neither did we.

Daffodil Girls, Kitty Dimbleby (Virgin Books, £12.99) The journalist and daughter of broadcaster Jonathan follows 12 army wives for a year to tell the stories of women whose lives have been disrupted by the absence of their soldier lovers. The intertwined accounts give a rare insight into a unique community and what it's like to live your life when your partner is absent—including planningyour marriage to someone who might not return.

The New North: The World in 2050, Laurence C. Smith

(Profile Books, £20)

In this extended-thought experiment, Smith —a distinguished US geographer—describes howthe world might look in 40 years. Trade and politics, he reckons, will centre around countries that border the Arctic Circle (Canada will host the world's second largest oil reserves) and countries in the north will sell fresh water to the south. Smith also offers frightening alternative scenarios (like an ice age). Not recommended for reading before bed.

WHAT I'M DOING

RD reader Jonathan Sebire, 30, online journalist

WatchingThis Week (BBC1). I thought the chemistry might change on this late-night politics show after Diane Abbott left. But the other hosts, Andrew Neil and Michael Portillo, have kept it fresh.

Listening The People's Key, Bright Eyes. The indie singer's longawaited CD is magnificent. I can't switch it off.

Online Ted.com.

A hub for public talks by experts in technology, entertainment and design. You could spend a lifetime listeningto them.

Reading The Leopard byJo Nesbo. He's being hailed as the new Stieg Larsson and writes fantastic detective fiction.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE Sa\jg forests

Come into the enchanted wood...while you've still got the chance. Illegal logging and deforestation have helped half of the world's forests disappear and every year we lose another 36 million acres (about the size of New York State). But it's not just tropical rainforests that are under threat. Plans to sell off our own national forests call into question the future of these important elements of our green and pleasant land. People and animals depend on our wooded areas for food, shelter and work.

So how can you help a forest near you?

Start by... Taking time out on World Forestry Day on March 21 to enjoy your local forest. Walk, cycle or ride a horse through the trees, keeping an eye out for all the wonderful insects, birds and flowers you see along the way. Then you can... Put your name to one of the online petitions calling to protect our forests. Pledge to buy wood and loo rolls that have been responsibly sourced and certified by the Forest Stewardship Council. Taking it further... Join a campaign group. Sally Lomax from the Forest of Dean (above) tied yellow ribbons to trees in her area to bring attention to the possible perils of privatisation plans. Others have strung up "For Sale" signs in their local forest and leafleted shops and cafes. For more details on any of the above, visit readers digest.co.uk/links. Helen Gent •

POWER OF ONE

How Comic Relief is making young lives better

By Susannah Hickling

The bike club that's breaking the cycle of misbehaviour

Nick Pepper has a lot in common with the kids who come to his BMX club. He may be 53, happily married and a father of five, but he too was once bored, struggling at school and hanging around the streets.

One of ten children, Nick was born in Lawrence Weston, a byword in Bristol for rundown council housing, drugs and teenage pregnancy. He left school unable to read and write and, though he got a decorating job, he was still illiterate in his twenties. But taking up karate proved a turning point. "I wanted to read up about Japanese history," he says. "So my wife Helen and other family members gave me some coaching. Eventually, I got through my first book—aged 26."

As his karate ability rose to 3rd Dan status, Nick started two martial-arts clubs. Sport had given him confidence and he realised it could boost other underachievingyoung men too. In 2000, his son David,15, took up BMX riding and won a contest to design a track. Having missed out on a lot of David's childhood through work, Nick wanted to develop the project. He helped his son find some waste ground for the track and open the free L'Dub BMX Race Club for otheryoungsters. Before long, Nick was running it. "I said I'd help for three months," he says. "But it was a great way to get kids doing something positive. Three months turned into ten years!"

The club is now a magnet foryoung people in Lawrence Weston. Nick drafts in local boys who have a reputation as "toerags" and gets them to show their BMX skills off to younger children. He also gets offenders who are on community service to maintain the tracks and carry out bike maintenance."Ifyou give them something positive to do, there's a chance they might change their attitude," he says.

Among Nick's success stories are three club regulars who have gone on to get jobs in bike shops. (One had a history of family problems and drinking, and often got into trouble with the police.)

Comic Relief has given the club £28,000 in the last two years, which has helped Nick improve L'Dub's training, buy new bikes, expand participation and take the club to a level where two members competed in last year's British BMX Championships.

Lawrence Weston's teenagers get a bad press, Nick says, so he's also become their advocate, liaising with the police and other authorities. Thanks to this and the club, PC Sean Underwood, the local community officer, has seen a big drop in antisocial behaviour. "Nick's made a massive difference," he says. "On a Friday night there might be 4o kids down there on bikes. If I see teenagers hanging around the streets, I tell them to go and see Nick."

Free-wheeling Nick Pepper helps his BMX riders get off the streets and on their bikes. And then some

Fightin fires a helpin troubled youngsters are all in a day's work for Dave Newton

If working 48 hours as a firefighterseems like quite enough community service per week to you, try telling that to Dave Newton.

Dave, 47, also spends 20 hours a week counselling young people at Talk, a service he set up in Preston, Lancashire. The voluntary body's handful of staff help under-25-year-olds come to terms with the effects of bullying, rape, incest and addiction. Talk has received £120,000from Comic Relief in the last threeyears.

It has its roots in the late19905, when young people on the rough Callon Estate were constantly starting fires, then throwing bricks at the firefighters who came to extinguish them and stealingtheir equipment.

Both engines from Dave's station had to attend every blaze: one crew to put it out and the other for protection. If other fires broke out, fire engines had to be called in from a different town. "People's lives were in danger," says Dave.

So Dave decided to befriendtheyoung people on the estate to help them understand the implications of their actions. He visited schools and sought out local gang members. After four months, there was a 44 per cent drop in the number of fires started.

Enthused, but realising some youngsters had deep-seated reasons for causingtrouble, he trained as a counsellor. Then, in

2006, he established Talk. Hundreds of young people have been through its doors, but for Dave one client stands out. He'd been abused by family members and was initially too scared to leave his home. But after threeyears of counselling, Dave was invited to his client's first gig at a local club. "It was amazing," says Dave. "He'd been almost a recluse, but here he was singing in front of 300 people. I love this work. It doesn't take from me; it gives to me."

> Red Nose Day is Marchi8. Visit readersdigest.co.uk/ links for more. And on p4o find out how cover star Samantha Womack is helping Comic Relief too. •

Special

people who remember in their Will help to save many thousands of lives

Retired TV cameraman Chas Lewis is enjoying an active life with two lively grandchildren.

"At 56, a routine X-ray revealed that I had a rare form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. I was devastated to hear I had cancer but thanks to research, I'm still here:'

Cancer Research UK has been at the forefront of huge advances in the way cancer is prevented, diagnosed and treated.

Today, people with non-Hodgkin lymphoma, like Chas, are twice as likely to survive their disease for ten years or more as those diagnosed in the 1970s.

It's a little-known fact that more than a third of Cancer Research UK's life-saving work is funded by gifts in Wills.

For Chas, with a rare form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, treatment meant an operation.

"In October 1999 I had two-thirds of my right lung removed. But even that was good news because it worked! I can't describe the joy I felt when I realised I was going to get better.

"When I decided to make a Will, my priority was my family. Once they had been looked after, I wanted to remember Cancer Research UK with a share of what was left. I'm around to see my grandchildren grow up because of what has been achieved through research into cancer. I will always be incredibly grateful for that amazing gift."

People like Chas who remember Cancer Research UK in their Will play a crucial role in funding the life-saving fight against cancer.

Cancer Research UK receives no government funding for its research so these generous donations allow the charity to commit to funding future groundbreaking work.

A gift to Cancer Research UK in your Will is the best way to ensure that its progress will continue in the future, and will help the generations of tomorrow beat cancer.

More than a third of Cancer Research UK's life-saving work is funded by people who remember the charity in their Will. Please find out more by requesting an information pack.

Chas Lewis is remembering Cancer Research UK in his Will because he and his family know what a difference its vital work makes.

NO, REALLY!

On a flight home recently, a stewardess was serving drinks to the lady seated in front of me.

"Would you like a drink, madam?" she asked.

"I'll have a G&T. That's a gin and tonic toyou."

As quick as a flash, the stewardess responded, "Would you like ice and a slice? That's a slice of fruit and frozen water to you."

Damien Mellon, Northampton in Friends of mine called Fred and Mary were working every spare minute on a fireside rug from a

do-it-yourself kit. One day they went out to lunch with an old friend and found themselves seated with a lot of unfamiliar people.

The conversation eventually turned to what everyone had been doing that morning. "Oh, Fred and I just had half an hour on the rug," Mary announced to this group of strangers.

Sylv Arscott, Somerset

Watching synchronised diving for the first time on TV,

ffor your true unny stories' Write to the address on Page 6 my sevenyear-old son exclaimed, "Wow! That was close. Who won?"

Theresa Carstairs, Worcester

When I was five, my dad gainedbrownie points from my mum for fixing a leak in the loft quickly and without grumbling. All was well...until zo years later, when the ceiling began to drip. My dad investigated and found the bucket he'd placed in the loft to catch the original

leak. After collecting drips of water for zo years, it had finally overflowed. His DIY short cut was well and truly rumbled!

Emma Peers, Lancashire

A Woodland Trust volunteer recently called on my neighbour, looking for donations. Striking up a friendly conversation, the volunteer asked him what he did for a living.

"Builder," my neighbour told him.

"Great!" he enthused. "What do you build?"

"Log cabins," was the straight-faced reply.

Emma Allum, Hertfordshire

Paying a hospital visit to one of my congregation, I was in the lift waiting for my floor when the doors opened and a workman in a hard hat and boots got in.

"Are you going up?" I asked. "Not as far as

"Trouble with you, Brett, is that you think you're better than the rest of us"

you, mate," he replied, pointing at my clerical collar.

Andrew Watson, Banbridge, County Down

II During a conversation with my husband about a friend who's a vegetarian, our son interrupted to ask what the word meant. He thought about our answer and then suggested, "She may not be a vegetarian because she loves animals. Maybe she hates plants."

Jack Yardley, Cambridgeshire

While talking with a foreign student at work, I asked if she had any pets. She told me she had a dog,

but couldn't remember the name of the breed.

"But it was the same breed as the dog in the film The Mask," she recalled "Oh, Jack Russell," I said. "No, Jim Carrey."

Wayne Evans, Leeds

My four-year-old grandson came home from school and proudly announced that he was to play "a piece of paper" in his nativity play.

Puzzled, his mother called on the teacher for advice on what sort of costume a piece of paper would need. The teacher eventually stopped laughing long enough to explain that his role was that of a page.

Ken Rock, Bristol

1 cherubim(cherr-ooh-bim)n A angels

B charming babies C holy statues

2 firmament n A strongly held opinion

B the sky C the earth

3 firstling n A the first animal offspring

B fresh fruit C quiet voice gopher woodn the wood of A Noah's

Ark B Herod's table C Christ's cross cubit(cue-bit)n A baby goat B square house C ancient measure of length

covenantn A thin blanket B an agreement C envy brethren (breth-rin) n A hot breath

B crisp bread C fellow members of religious group asunder(a-sun-duh)adv A with extreme force B apart C together intercession (inter-seshun) n

A obsession B long meeting C intervention on another's behalf

Gomorrah (gomm-or-ah) n

A wicked town in Palestine B psalm

C ancient holy language peradventure (purr-adventure)

adv A however B perhaps C at last tarry(tarr-ee) vA stay for a while

l Harry Mount, language guru, tests your A vocabulary . . .

The celebrations to mark the 400th anniversary of the1611 Authorised Version of the Bible—commonly known as the King James Bible—have done a lot to highlight its beautiful prose. So what better time to test your knowledge of 17th-century English? Answer A, B or C for the words below, all of which appear in the1611 Bible.

B lay siege C throw a long distance Jehovah n A the devil B Jesus C God shekel(sheck-ul) n

A heavy cloth B ancient silve coin C golden altar provender n A food

B fertiliser C layer of dust

A WORD IS BORN

Protirement

r / Cover star **., Samantha Womack's favourite word? "Alignment"—I like the idea of things all falling into .1

is a combination of "pro" and "retirement", meaning early retirement from work with the intention of taking up something fulfilling. Whereas retirement implies an inactive state, protirement suggests a more pleasing—and still active—life. The word has actually been around for half a century, ever since it was coined by US broad-caster Arthur Godfrey inThe American Mercury magazine in 1961. But it's come into vogue nowadays as people downshift or take early retirement. In the case of some lucky tycoons, retirement—or RD RATING protirement—can begin Useful? 6/10 as young as 3o these days. Likeable? 8/10

WORD POWER

1 cherubim—A angels. "The winged cherubim smiled on his fate." Hebrew kerubim.

2 firmament B the sky. "The firmament shook with thunder." Latinfirmamentum.

3 firstling A the first animal offspring of the season. "The shepherd went out in the snow to save the firstlings." Old Englishfyrst.

7 brethren C fellow members of religious group. "Brethren, let us pray." Old English brothor. 8 asunder —B apart. "Let no man put them asunder." Old English onsundran (in a separate place).

9 intercession C intervention on another's behalf. "He said prayers of intercession for her."

9-11a good attempt 12-13 you're starting to impress us here 14-15 you're a word-power wizard!

4 gopher wood A the wood of Noah's Ark. "The gopher wood was robust during the flood." cubit—C measure of length, roughly equal to the length of a forearm. "Goliath was taller than David by many cubits." Latincubitum (elbow).

6 covenant—B an agreement. "Abraham made a biblical covenant." Latinconvenire (agree).

Latin intercedere (intervene).

0 Gomorrah A wicked town in Palestine. "Gomorrah was destroyed by fire from heaven."

31 peradventure B perhaps. Old French per aventure (by chance).

12 tarry—A stay for a while.

13 Jehovah—C Hebrew name for God. "We called on Jehovah to help us." Medieval Latinlehouah.

14 shekel B silver coin. "His coat was worth many shekels." Hebrewsegel (weigh).

WORD JOURNEY

TheCappuccinois now an everyday drink, but the frothy coffee has exotic, medieval and monastic origins. It gets its name from the Capucin monks, whose habits are coffee-coloured. The Capucins are an order of Saint Francis, set up in 1528. They in turn took their name from thecappuccio,the hood of their distinctive uniform. An "-ino" ending acts as a diminutive in Italian. So next timeyou ask for a cappuccino in your local cafe, you are strictly asking for a baby Franciscan monk's hood.

grateful for their provender in the cold and the snow." Latinpraebenda (things to be supplied). • How Did You Do?

15 provender A food. "The cows were

More Word Power on the Web! For more vocabulary-building fun online, go to readersdigest.co.uk/wordpower.

If you have a word-related question or language teaser for Harry, please email theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk.

A vibrant destination that combines the spirit of the Mediterranean with British Tradition.

1 , t takes R a look i mom oer k at what the future i has in store

Batteries not excluded

Batteries are heavy, bulky and inefficient. But, in December, a Florida-based spin-off from the US Department of Energy's National Renewable Energy Laboratory demonstrated a concept for "printing" lithium ion batteries, designed to turn bulky chunks into flexible sheets a tenth of a millimetre thick. Safer, more efficient, longer lasting and potentially cheaper than traditional batteries, these ones are also seriously useful.By 2020,you could have emergency tents of flexible waterproof

solar panelling lined with these sheets. They could provide shelter, heat and power, all on a stand-alone basis without any need for grid connection.

Danger alert! Phones at risk

In the developing world, mobiles are proving more useful than computers. Retail, banking and microfinance built around the benefits of SMS messaging are increasingly common throughout Africa, Asia and South America.

Part of the appeal is security—low-end mobiles are harder to hack than computers and smartphones. So it's bad news that Technische Universitat Berlin researchers recently demonstrated software programs called "binaries" that can cripple these handsets. As different phones have different operating systems, a universal "patch" won't work.

Phone viruses could be holding African economies to ransom by 2025.

NOT IF, BUT WHEN...

Targeting the real pests

It's been said that malaria has killed more people than all wars put together, so nothing that might help beat it is to be dismissed. But some ideas seem more unusual than others.

Intellectual Ventures Lab, an innovation network founded by a former chief technology officer at Microsoft, has come up with a laser

system that tracks and zaps mosquitoes in flight. Built from reclaimed electronics components, it's been designed to selectivelytarget the bugs (as opposed to, say, bees) when theyfly through a laser grid. Eventually it's hoped the technology can be extended to deal with other vermin.From 2020 no mouse will be safe! •

WORLD TRAVELLER

Who's doing what around the globe

► Computer games experts Sega in JAPANare developing possibly their oddest conceptyet: games consoles for public urinals. The interface—in which the player controls the game on the screen above by peeing on sensors in the urinal—is aimed at restaurants and retail premises. Games include cleaning graffiti off walls and putting fires out with, erm, a hose.

► In Pennsylvania,US,antiquated state laws forbid the sale of wine from grocery shops. Strangely though, they don't prohibit vending machines from selling it, provided the machine is equipped to breathalyse the customer, take a swipe of their ID and show their face to a state official watching via CCTV. The Pronto Wine Vending Machine has been designed to do just that, and US giant Walmart recently obtained permission to stock them in its Pennsylvania stores. Bottoms up!

► Rail passengers in Europe will be able to work while on the move. A meeting room, called "Le Salon", is being installed on each of the high-speed trains run by rail operator Thalys between PARIS, BRUSSELS, AMSTERDAM and COLOGNE.

► In GERMANY,a marketing firm has launched the NoseDial app for iPhones. As its name suggests, it allows the user to keep their gloves on in the cold, and dial using their noses.

This month, Barbara Taylor Bradford lays down the law to Caroline Hutton

...I'd make sure that women had equal rights in everything.Despite all our efforts it's still a man's world. Of course,you do hear about some women breaking the glass ceiling, but not enough. I'd tell women to stand tall and not be cowed by men. A lot of men are intimidated by strong, clever and hardworking women, but I say that's tough! Luckily I'm married to a man who can't stand wimpy women...

...I'd create a proper park in every city.I'd tear down ugly and unused buildings and create large green spaces available to all. It's so important to be in leafy surroundings and refreshed by nature. I'd like to see more free events in the parks such as theatre productions.

Also, the sale to developers of so many school playing fields is shocking; every school should have plenty of open space for sport and recreation.

_I'd ensure that people Learn to read.I'm appalled at the statistics of illiteracy in the US-3o million cannot perform everyday literacy

tasks and 63 million can only perform limited tasks. That's a death sentence for millions.

My mother read to me, and I could already read when I went to nursery. It's up to parents, carers and teachers to put an end to illiteracy. I'd make publishers donate unsold books to libraries or schools instead of pulping them and I'd put more government money into keeping libraries open and relevant.

...I'd ban all grungy clothing, especially that worn bymen. I look at young men today and, although many of them are goodlooking, they look so scruffy! Even if their clothes aren't actually dirty they certainly

IF I RULED THE WORLD

look as if they are. It's not palatable. And why don't they shave? I wouldn't want to get a rash kissing all that stubble. I was shopping in Paris recently with my husband Robert. I said, "But who buys all these beautiful clothes? No one I can see..."

...I'dencourage everyone to keep working.People who retire tend to fade away and die. Look at me—I'm 77, but I feel 22inside and I don't ever plan to stop working. Why? Because work keeps me mentally alert, it defines who I am and I don't have to resort to finding things to do. What would I do? Go for lunch with girlfriends? Forget it!

BARBARA TAYLOR BRADFORD was born and brought up in Yorkshire, but has lived most of her life in New York with her husband, television producer Robert Bradford. Her books have sold more than 82 million copies in over 90 countries and 4o languages, and she is one of the richest living authors. Ten mini-series and television movies have been made of her books. She was appointed an OBE for her services to literature in 2007. She is involved in a number of charity projects around the world, including Literacy Partners. Her 26th novel,Playing the Game, is out now.

"I'd tell women to stand tall and not be cowed by men"

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An Iberian River Journey 7 nights full board from £1270

A scenic cruise on the stylish MS Douro Prince through Northern Portugal to Spain, on the Douro River. Visiting Regua, Vega Terron, Pinh8o, Porto and Lamego. 3/4-night pre/post-cruise extensions available. Includes a VJV Special Event.

India's Golden Triangle 9 nights from £1115

This popular and unique mini-adventure transports its participants closer to the heart of India. By road and rail visit Delhi, Jaipur, Agra, Jodhpur, Nimaj, Pushkar and stay at a heritage property. Includes a VJV Special Event — Bullock Cart Ride.

Discover Jordan 7 nights from £1025

Utilising VJV's exclusive direct day flight from London to Aqaba, discover the cultural and historical treasures of Jordan. Explore Petra, Kerak, Madaba, Mount Nebo, Aqaba, Amman, Jerash, the 'Desert Castles' and the Dead Sea.

China the Beautiful 22 nights from £2795

Discover China's beauty with this comprehensive journey. Visit the Yangtse River, Beijing, Nanjing, Suzhou, the Grand Canal, Shanghai, the Pandas in Chengdu, Hangzhou, the Terracotta Warriors in Xian, Guilin and Hong Kong. Includes most meals.

Harry Mount gives you the facts behind the news

The census

March 27 is Census Day, when the national population is counted— an administrative ritual that has taken place every decade since 1801.

■ Things have changed a little since then. On March 10,1801,the average household size was 5.6 people; this had shrunk to 2.4 by the time of the last census in 2001. Ini8ci, the British population was 9.3 million; it had grown to 58.8 million by 2001.That includes Scotland and Northern Ireland, both of which hold their own separate census on March 27.

■ The census—costing £450 million—is more than just a head-counting exercise. An accurate estimate of the population is needed to work out how much is spent, and on what, when it comesto things like the NHS, education, local authorities and transport.

■ Methods of counting have changed over the years. Last time, the questionnaires were delivered and collected

FILLING UP THE CENSUS PAPER.

Wife of his bosom: "UPON MY WORD MR PEEWIT: IS THIS THE WAY YOU FILL UP YOUR CENSUS? SO YOU CALL YOURSELF THE 'HEAD OF THE FAMILY DO YOU AND ME A FEMALE!"

by hand. This time, all British households will receive them by post, oryou can fill them in online. For the first time, Facebook has been enrolled in the exercise, with a new2011Census Family Historygroup*where you can share thoughts on howyou've used census data to trackyou r family history.

• Running a census requires a huge logistical effort—much of it carried out by the US company Lockheed Martin, which has been awarded the £150-million contract to capture all the data. Census regulations must be laid before Parliament (a census

test run was carried out in October 2009 in the London borough of Newham, the Isle of Anglesey, Birmingham and Lancaster). About 35,000 people have been employed to carry out the census, including 325 address checkers—you might have seen one walking down your street last summer.

■ Each questionnaire contains 56 questions— including details of the number of bedrooms and the type of central heating inyour home, and how well you speak English. Soap-dodgers can relax, though—unlike in the 2001 census, we won't be asked whether we have access to a bath or shower. •

Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 4

I've worked out the art of going on holiday and it's easier, and cheaper, than you think

I used to be rubbish at going on holiday. Back in my twenties I would hare off to the same cities I went to for work—New York, Los Angeles—where I'd ride in cabs, get drunk, have meetings and never relax. Sounds fun, but it wasn't a holiday. I'd come back worn out and jet-lagged, with a pocketful! of receipts no one was going to cash and a hangover I'd carry back into the office.

Truth is, I was scared of the unknown and not sure about booking hotels abroad. I went all over the place for work, but just saw music venues, nightclubs and hotel bars. I'd grown up goingto the sleepy town of Filey in Yorkshire for every school holiday. Much as I enjoyed it (and still do), it didn't exactly prepare me for how to book a flight to Goa.

Twentyyears on, I've learned how to have far better holidays —and more often, too. Right now, because I came with six friends who all chipped in just £500 each, I'm sitting in a place that's made us all gawp in awe. It's a stunning modernist villa with an infinity pool and beautiful fittings built by a Hollywood producer on top of a Grenadine island.

The breeze runs through the house from the back— where there's a view of billionaire's paradise Mustiqueto the front, where we can see the bay Edward Teach (aka Blackbeard the Pirate) chose to stay in when he ruled these waters. If you need a clearer idea of what it looks like, they filmed Pirates ofthe Caribbean on the next island along. The food's cheaper than the UK, too. I'm not going to tell you the name because it's a fantastic secret to discover, but you can work it out using Google with those clues.

Before you switch off and think, What's this got to dowith me? I've already booked our regular two weeks in Portugal,I'll tell you. I've worked out it's costing me just £3 an hour. That should bring a smile to anyone's face. That's a cheaper rate than a novice babysitter. Or, to put it more bluntly, if I cut the weekly Indian takeaway order down by the third that's always left uneaten and save a tenner, I can be sitting in a movie-star home overlooking a pirate's paradise everyyear. And if I cancel that direct debit I've forgotten, I can fly there in style, too.

The reason I've gone to the trouble of breaking down the cost is that a mate of mine, Bernard, has just fulfilled his lifetime ambition and sailed across the Atlantic. Before he set off, he and his crew spent two weeks in Las Palmas preparing theyacht and he was brassed off that they insisted on eating in the cheapest canteens and cafes because they were "on a budget".

They thought he was spoiled because he wanted to eat in nice restaurants, and he in turn was frustrated that "they didn't mind spending all night boozing and smoking. They didn't seem to be on a budget when they were doingthat".

Smokers and boozers spend thousands ayear on their vices, then claim poverty

I'dneverbeenonholidayen massebefore.I'dshuddered attheideaofa"basicskitty"Adfik

IL vf, at the idea of splashing out on decent food.

Which brings us to the bigger view— you can pimple your life with short-term highs like an extra pack of fags, another night down the pub or a gym membership you rarely use. Or you can mobilise your friends, start buying or renting luxury villas in bulk and, if the kids are of an age to want to stay at home instead of going on holiday with you,you can recapture some of that freedom you surrendered for the joys of parenthood.

I'd never been on holiday en masse before. I'd shuddered at the idea of a

"basics kitty". But this luxury villa on a bulk budget definitely has its ups. My friend's just said to me: "When I was little and obsessed withDynasty! imagined Alexis Colby went on holiday to a luxury villa in the Caribbean. And now I am, too." And with that she happily wandered off to buy some freshly caught tuna. Which, for the accountants and skinflints amongyou, works out cheaper than the cans. •

> James, founder ofLoaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: "We can't concentrate, why should you?"

This month, the antlion

Why the name? you may ask. Although ants are the main diet of this stylish insect, you couldn't say it shares many similarities with lions—although some scientists have claimed that "lion" just means "killer" in this context.

And a very efficient killer it is, too. Favouring sandy environments, the antlion larvae uses its abdomen to dig a hole about two inches deep, then gobbles up any small insects that have the misfortune to fall in.

This gruesome method served as an influence for the dreaded Sarlacc in the film Return of the Jedi —a creature that inhabits a hole in the desert and digests its (human) victims over 1,000 years.

"The things I would normally have got terribly upset about are irrelevant"

When Samantha Womack swapped EastEndersfor an African shanty town, she saw for the first time what human drama really means

From soap

By any reckoning, the first few months of this year have been dramatic for Samantha Womack. Her storyline on EastEnders about a cot death and baby swap led to thousands of complaints, forcing the programme's producers to cut the plot short. This was followed by the news that Womack will be leaving the soap in May (though her agent calls it a "break" that was agreed with producers months ago).

In the media melee that followed,

By Benji Wilson

she endured paparazzi shots of herself with her children—Ben, nine, and Lily, five—and being called a murderer in a supermarket by members of the public unable to separate fact from fiction.

But, she says, it pales into cance compared wilt cently to help Co

Lenny Henry, Reggie Yates and Angela Rippon, Womack spent a week living in Africa's largest slum, Kibera in Nairobi, Kenya, as part of the two-part documentary Famous, Rich and in the Slums. The programme, shown in the

fr) run-up to Red Nose Day this month, aims to raise awareness of how even small donations can make a difference to basic education and health care. Kibera is only around a mile square but contains more than a million people. Houses are shacks with corrugated iron roofs, roads are litter-strewn paths and raw sewage is as common as stray dogs. Some six in ten residents have HIV/Aids and around 20 per cent of children die before their fifth birthday. The average wage is 35p a day. Nobody cares about fictional storylines, actors or TV. They're too busy trying to survive.

Against that backdrop, Womack finds the mere mention of the EastEnders brouhaha during our interview borderline insulting. "I don't want to bring that into the equation—it belittles the real subject matter here," she says. "It would

Enders lost plot with cot death baby swap

jeopardise the campaign for Kibera, and that's so important to me."

What she will say is that after a week in Kibera, the travails of her soap character Ronnie Branning and the hand-wringing of the British tabloids all seem a little inconsequential.

"The things I would normally have got terribly upset about are irrelevant," she says. "You can just go, 'What a bunch of nonsense,' with everything. The arguments in the supermarkets, all that."

I bet it was back to the Intercontinental once the cameras stopped rolling. If that's your first thought when you hear that four celebrities spent a week "in the slums"...well, initially Womack had the same feelings.

"I have to say, I was sceptical. I thought they weren't really going to leave us, but they did."

The group was told what to expect by Craig Last and Abdul Kassim, a pair of aid workers living in Kibera. Then, before being taken to the shacks that would be their homes, all of their valuables and belongings were taken away—jewellery, money, toothbrushes, suncream—to remove any temptation for robbers. Security officers were stationed close by, but nothing could be guaranteed. Womack, who is married to actor Mark Womack, gave up her wedding ring. The celebrities then changed into clothes picked up for them at the local market.

"We had exactly what somebody would have if they were coming to Kibera looking for work," says Womack. "And we couldn't quite believe it. We were all pretty terrified."

Womack's home was an eight-footby-eight-foot mud but next to an open latrine. The shack contained a bed, a rickety chair, a gas burner for food and a kerosene lamp. She had no running water. On her first night, entirely alone,

Ounandada.

From riches to rags: Samantha had to ditch all her belongings and change into clothes from the local market —a very different kind of drama from the furore following the EastEnders "baby swap" plot (Left)

I) she went to the toilet in a plastic jug. "I didn't want to go outside."

Basic provisions were provided, but she had to buy other food, such as tomatoes and bananas, from a street market. Given just £1.60 in Kenyan shillings, she would need a job to survive beyond a day.

The next morning Adbul took her to Kibera's AMREF (an African health organisation) hospital that specialises in HIV and malaria treatment, but also offers a midwife service. She was handed a bucket and mop.

"I worked in the hospital, cleaning. The toilets were unimaginable. I would go first thing in the morning, when they'd been used all night. I can't even go into detail about what that was like. I was getting rid of the most horrific deposits, then I'd get back and there

"When the camera guy goes and it's just you in the middle of Kibera_ those were some of the loneliest moments of my life"

was more. It was soul-destroying. When Elizabeth, a woman I'd met who..."

At this point there are tears in her eyes. Elizabeth, whom she befriended, had come into the hospital and given birth to a stillborn boy. When Womack spoke to her, the baby was on a tray on the other side of the room. It was cruelly

ironic, given the EastEnders storyline she'd just filmed. But the soap opera couldn't have been further from her mind at that point.

"I emotionally and physically froze because I didn't know how to process what I was seeing. It was the most extraordinary-looking baby, as far away from me as you are, curled up, dead. Just because Elizabeth hadn't had enough money to come to the hospital and get checked out. She'd opened her legs in reception and the baby literally fell out."

Womack wanted to offer consolation, but she had her job to think about.

"I had to clean up the blood. Elizabeth was worrying that she didn't have enough money to bury her son. I'd just sat down on this box at the back of the hospital to take a moment when a nurse told me this. I asked, 'What happens to that baby now?'

"She replied, 'Well, the incinerator. That's where you're sitting.' "

Though Womack struggles in recalling the moment, at the time, she says, she didn't get sentimental.

"How offensive would it have been for me to be weeping for my own feelings? I just thought, Don't you dare!"

Instead, she says, it hit her later. "It would come to me at night because often in the day you would have a camera crew with you. But when you close the door to your but and the camera guy says, 'I'll see you in the morning,' and it's just you in the middle of Kibera...those were some of the loneliest moments of my life."

Her but had no TV or radio. "It was

The red nose brigade: {Left to right) Angela Rippon, Lenny Henry, Samantha Womack and Reggie Yates in Kibera

just me, the roaches on the floor and the rats on the roof. As I was lying there I could hear the family next door. They had 15 children in their shack."

The burble of songs and rhythms from Kibera's residents singing and drumming together provided a constant soundtrack. "I'd lie there listening to this music thinking, I'm never going to have an experience like this again for the rest of my life."

The documentary is tough to watch, let alone take part in. Angela Rippon worked alongside a cleaning lady who, she discovered, was also a prostitute; Reggie Yates was emptying toilets on his first night. It was a world away from the usual celebrity charity film where a famous name flies in, poses with skeletal Africans and flies out again. Why did Womack put herself through it?

"I travelled lots as a girl—my grandmother was a cruise-ship choreographer —but moving into the age I am [she's 38], I thought, Well, I want to take myself out of my life a little bit now."

The project also interested her because it was fully immersive. "Sometimes when you visit somewhere, you don't really get a sense of the place."

She could not have come away with a stronger sense of Kibera, a place where by the age of 16, two-thirds of girls have exchanged sex for food; where one of the first things a resident said to her as she was led to her but was, "How long are you here for? Seven days? I think you're going to die!"

"The first time you see it, it's breathtaking. It's tragic and beautiful at the same time. You stand on this massive train track right at the top where these trains pummel into Kibera—because it's on railway land—and you look down 41.‘

ri and there are all these higgledypiggledy roofs and furling smoke and this overpowering smell of sewage, fat, smoke and dust. That first impact will stay with me."

During our interview, she goes from crying at some of what she saw to sheer delight at other aspects. "In one way I'd go, 'Gosh, nothing can ever be as bad as that,' but at the same time I've never felt so connected to people."

She says she fell in love with the family next door. "Every now and then the little girl, Pamela, would come in and give me a cuddle. That holding and cuddling they do—all the holding hands—we've lost that. We've got cappuccino makers, four different kinds of milk, but we've fundamentally lost what they've got, which is human spirit. At times I miss that."

The Kiberan people, she says, don't want our pity. "As much as they're

suffering, they keep their heads up and walk proud. They're the most motivated and dynamic people I've ever met. They just want a bit of help so they can do what they need to do to make their lives better."

It leaves Samantha Womack in a strange place that has nothing to do with leaving EastEnders or whatever acting roles she may take up next.

"What's difficult for me is I just want to go back [Comic Relief is trying to make this happen soon]. I feel like I'm treading water until I do, because I got so close to so many people. Everything that you do here seems OK, but I've never felt as valued and as alive as I did when I was helping in Kibera."

> Famous, Rich and in the Slums is on BBC1 later this month. Red Nose Day is March 18. To find out more and get involved, visit rednoseday.com.

NEXPECTED ENCOUNTERS IN A CANOE: PART 1

Imagine a quiet paddle being interrupted by a whale breaking the surface to scoop up a mouthful of herring. "Paddle really fast! is the only thing I could think of at the time," says canoeist Dr Richard Kraft (a dentist!), from Sitka County, Alaska. Sadly, he didn't comment on the condition of the mammal's teeth.

WIN AN iPAD

Join us on facebook before March 11th for your chance to win a superb new Apple iPad. It's a great way to give us your feedback, plus keep up-to-date with all our latest news, special offers, competitions, previews and lots more.

Stonehenge has a front door? Milton Keynes is really interesting? As a new Reader's Digest book shows, Britain's landmarks are transformed when seen from mid-air

STONEHENGE

Set high on the rolling expanses of Salisbury Plain, the concentric pattern of the iconic monument and the surrounding earthworks are clearly visible from above. It was constructed in three main stages between 3,000 and 1,5ooBc.

OStone circle. Thirty vast sarsen —or sandstone—blocks were transported 20 miles from the Marlborough Downs and erected with lintels. Originally forming a continuous circle, 17 are upright. They are up to 30 feet high and weigh as much as 50 tons.

North-eastern entrance. Aligned at the point where the sun rises

Ec during the midsummer solstice, the

• "front door" originally consisted of two E upright parallel stones. Only one, now T, fallen, survives.

•

OTrilithons.These consist of a pair

• of sarsen uprights and a lintel.

'" Five are arranged into a horseshoe, cc

inside the stone circle. Some had designs resembling axes and daggers • carved into them.

• 0

Earthwork enclosure. The first

• construction at the site was a cc circular bank and ditch (or "henge")

.T c about 320 feet in diameter. Labourers o dug using deer antlers as tools.

EDEN PROJECT

The environmental educational centre near St Austell in Cornwall opened ten years ago this month. An instant hit, it drew almost two million visitors in its firstyear alone. Eden's distinguishingfeature is the vast conservatories, or "biomes", of steel tubing and clear-plastic bubbles (below).

0China-clay pits. When developer Tom Smit bought the abandoned china-clay pits that were to become Eden it was a vast hole over 200-feet deep. His team moved 1.9 million tons of earth in six months before landscaping the area. The site is so vast that a train runs from the top to the bottom.

@Rainforest biome. The world's largest greenhouse:160-feet high, 360-feet wide and 790-feet long. Plants from South America, Africa, and Malaysia are kept in temperatures between 18 and 35 degrees C.

OOutdoor landscape. A carefully planted "roofless biome" features plants that thrive in cooler climates, such as Britain and Russia.

0Mediterranean Biome. Recreates the hot, dry summers and cooler winters of the Med, Chile and South Africa. It includes terraced olive groves. and Californian grasslands.

MILTON KEYNES

The sprawling conurbation designated as a new town in 1967 has a population of 230,000, but 22 per cent of its area is parkland. This view shows Willen Park.

Peace Pagoda.

Japanese

Buddhist order Nipponzan Myohoji began building pagodas after the Second World War, starting in Hiroshima. it= In 1980, the Milton Keynes structure became the first to be built in the West. Monks and nuns from the group live in a nearby temple.

ClkCathedral of Trees.Planted in Vor1986,this was designed to recreate the ground plan of Norwich Cathedral. Evergreens define the tower, spires and walls, while the nave is lined with hornbeams and limes. Flowers are planted so their colours mimic that of sunlight shining through the stained glass onto the floor.

Willen Maze.The 230-foot-wide pattern cut into the turf is one of the world's largest labyrinths. It consists of a single1.9-mile path that leads from the outside to the centre.

Road network.The town is built in a grid, with roads labelled "V " (vertical) for a north-south direction or "H"(horizontal) for east-west.

The Best of Britain & Ireland from the Air (Reader's Digest, £29.99) is out now. To order a copy. go to shop. readersdigest.co.uk

BLACKPOOL

A fashionable resort for the wealthy during the 18th century, the town rose to more mainstream fame in the mid-19th 2 century with the growth of the railways 0 0 and when Lancashire factories began to close for a week's summer holiday. Today, c, it has six million visitors ayear.

0Blackpool Tower. Its 519-foot shadow cast across our ,T., < picture, the L' famous tower was built from 3,534 tons of 0 steel, 358 tons of cast iron and 00 is protected by nine tons of paint. Ten thousand light bulbs adorn its length.

@Golden Mile. The central section of Blackpool's legendary seafront is home to such traditional delights as Kiss Me Quick hats, comic postcards and the tram. Much of the town's LT, 7.2 miles of golden sand lies beside it.

Lt

@ Central Pier. Dominated by a huge Ferris wheel, it also hosts variety shows. To the south lie the Pleasure Beach and South Pier, with their theme-park rides.

North Pier. The town's first and longest pier (1,650 feet) was opened in 1863 and has a 1,500-seat theatre and even a helipad. It continued 3 the line of Talbot Road, the site of 5 Blackpool's first railway station.

DON'T LOSE YOUR MIND An guide

Exciting new research suggests that a life full of "senior moments" isn't an inevitable part of growing older. Getting into good habits in mid-life can protect our brains as we age. Ai lai ida Riley-Jones reports

There are over 750,000 people with dementia in the UK—that's one in 14 people over the age of 65. And while there's optimism that one day we will have a cure for Alzheimer's, the most common form, experts are starting to shift their focus to prevention. "Many researchers now see Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia as diseases of 'lifestyle' as well as genetics," explains Jean Carper, author of a new book 100 Simple Things You Can Do to Prevent Alzheimer's and Age-Related Memory Loss (10.99). "The cumulative findings from many different studies are starting to show that it's the changes in the brain that happen during our thirties and forties that lead to dementia later," adds Anne Corbett, research communications manager at the Alzheimer's Society. On the following pages, leading experts tell you the preventative steps—many of them just simple lifestyle changes —that you can take right now

= nkle-Brachial Index Test

Researchers at the University of Edinburgh have shown that this simple test (which compares blood pressure levels in the ankle and arm) can predict brain trouble if levels differ. It gives an indication of blocked arteries and therefore possible cognitive impairment.

Balance

A University of Washington study of over-65s found that a decline in physical balance was one of the first signs of future dementia. Whetheryou are 3o or 7o, practise daily standing on one legfor 30 seconds with eyes open and arms crossed, says Jean Carper.

Cholesterol

High total cholesterol in mid-life increases the risk of Alzheimer's later in life by 66%, accordingto Finland's University of Kuopio. Reduce "bad" cholesterol by avoiding saturated fats, trans fats, keeping to a normal weight and, if recommended byyour GP, taking statins, says Carper. The Alzheimer's Society recommends annual cholesterol and blood pressure checks for over-4os.

Depression

Depression seems to be a risk factor, according to the University of Massachusetts. "There's also the difficulty that early-onset Alzheimer's is often misdiagnosed as depression because many GPs don't expect to see it in patients below 65," says Anne Corbett.

Exercise

"Exercise stimulates the birth of new nerve cells in the brain, keeping ityoung

and vibrant," says Dr GregJicha, a neurologist at the University of Kentucky. "As little as 15 minutes' brisk walking every day may delay brain-ageing byyears."

Fruit and Veg

Blackcurrants, plums, cabbage, spinach and broccoli are packed with antioxidants that can slow cognitive decline and help prevent Alzheimer's, says Carper.

Gum Care

Beware bleeding or inflamed gums, warns Carper. The infection that causes gum disease could give off inflammatory by-products which it's thought may be toxic to brain tissue, accordingto the University of West Virginia School of Dentistry.

High Blood Pressure

A strong predictor of dementia is high systolic blood pressure—over i4ommHG —in mid-life, according to the US National Institute on Aging. Carper advises regular blood-pressure checks, appropriate drugs prescribed byyour GP, increasing exercise and giving up sugary drinks.

infections

There is a controversial theory that infections—including flu—may trigger the production of beta-amyloid, a protein that is a major factor in the formation of amyloid plaques, one of the hallmarks of Alzheimer's in the brain. The University of Manchester is currently gr. undertaking research into the link

t between the cold-sore virus and the disease. Carper urges taking antibiotics when needed.

Junk the Fast Food

Neurobiologists at Sweden's Karolinska Institute found that giving lab rats a high-fat, high-sugar; highcholesterol diet caused brain changes very similar to those of Alzheimer's.

Keep Your Brain Active

Many experts believe that reading, playing games and other challenging activities may stimulate brain cells. "It appears that cognitive exercise protects against future memory loss," says Dr GregJicha. "Doing something new is particularly beneficial."

Less Alcohol

A Finnish study has shown that bingeing at least once a month in mid-life—say, a bottle of wine in one sitting—makes usthreetimes more liketo develop Alzheimer's 25years later. However, Norway's University of Tromso found moderate wine consumption linked with better performance. "A glass of red wine a day could be beneficial;' says Corbett.

Mediterranean Diet

New York's Taub Institute for Research on Alzheimer's Disease and the Aging Brain recommends a diet high in fruit and vegetables, whole grains,fish and unsaturated fats (eg, olive oil).

Nuts

"Nuts contain vitamin E, which acts as an

antioxidant. Higher vitamin E intake from foods may be associated with a reduced risk of Alzheimer's and cognitive decline," says Glen Matten, nutritional therapist at London's Hale Clinic. He suggests simply eating a handful of almonds or walnuts each day.

Omega-3 Fat

Participants who ate fish at least once a week had 6o% less risk of Alzheimer's, according to a US study published in the journalArchives of Neurology."DHA, a type of omega-3 fat found in oilyfish, may inhibit production of harmful plaques in the brain," says Matten.

Put Vinegar on Everything

Vinegar does not confront Alzheimer's directly, says Carper, but there is some evidence that it reduces risk factors that may lead to memory decline and dementia —such as high blood sugar, insulin resistance, diabetes and weight gain.

uaff Quercetin

Antioxidants in apples, particularly quercetin, behave the same as top Alzheimer's drug Aricept, boosting production of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine in the brain, which is essential for forming memories and learning. Apples also reduce the risk of stroke, diabetes and gum disease.

Reduce Your Salt

Eating too much salt raises blood pressure and may cause the arteries leading to the brain to become brittle, burst or clogged up. "About 75% of the salt we eat is already in the food we buy. Look for low-salt soups and sauces," says Corbett.

"At first, it was diagnosed as depression"

Chris McGlone's wife Lorraine, 48, says, "Chris had atop management job, but retired at 55 as he began having difficulties at work.

"Then he started putting clean clothes in the laundry basket, his handwriting became illegible and his moods unsettled. His GP

put him on mild antidepressants in spring 2008 but they didn't make much difference, so we started investigations.

"One day, Chris turned up at my work, frightened to death, because he'd parked his van and lost it. I took him straight to the

doctor and in February last year, a clinical psychologist diagnosed early-onset Alzheimer's and prescribed Aricept. We were so shocked, but Chris was relieved to have a label for what was happening to him and even got his old sense of humour back."

"The right drug gave me my life back"

Norman McNamara (pictured above with wife Elaine) was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in 2008 and prescribed the drug Exelon.

"I stopped taking it as it made me feel sick," says the former store manager from Torquay. "But within

a few months, I couldn't get my words out and was stumbling when I walked. I was absolutely petrified. My wife Elaine took me to my consultant who then prescribed Ebixa.

"Since then, I've got my life back," smiles Norman. "Of course, I still have my

`cloudy days' when it's like having a net curtain in front of me.

"But when I have days with clarity, I see the world in my usual happy way. I have a wonderful family and I've written two books about Alzheimer's. I will not give in to this illness."

...tub It Out

Research from the University of East Finland shows that heavy smoking in mid-life is associated with a more than l00% increase in the risk of dementia. "We think smoking makes the arteries leading to the brain more prone to damage," explains Corbett.

Twin Toxins

The signs specialists look for in brain scans are "plaques" of the protein beta-amyloid and "tangles" of the protein called tau— which develop in the structure of the brain and lead to the death of cells. They build up a decade or more before symptoms appear, so the race is on to find out how to prevent or reduce them, says Carper.

Upbeat

Stay optimistic and use physical activity to reduce stress and anxiety, advises Carper. Sweden's Karolinska Institute found that upbeat extroverts are significantly less likely to develop Alzheimer's. tt

Vitamins

The National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences in the US suggests that lengthening the caps on the tips of our chromosomes could protect them and delay ageing. To do this, Carper recommends "a super-multivitamin formula high in antioxidants, notably vitamins C and E."

Watch Your Waistline

Researchers at Kaiser Permanente, a

OTHERTYPESOFDEMENTIA

■ Vascular dementia: high blood pressure, heart problems, high cholesterol or diabetes cause problems with blood supply to the brain.

■ Dementia with Lewy bodies: tiny spherical structures inside nerve cells lead to degeneration of brain tissue.

■ Fronto-temporal dementia: initially affects personality, behaviour and emotional responses more than memory.

■ Prion disease (including CreutzfeldtJakob disease): prions are infectious agents that attack the central nervous system and invade the brain.

Californian healthcare provider, warn that being an apple shape in our forties could almost triple the risk of dementia in old age.

Xtra Help

The University of California has been studyingthe impact of two supplements and found that acetyl-L-carnitine blocks the formation of tau tangles in test tubes (see Twin Toxins, above) while alpha-lipoic acid (available in supplement form) helps lower blood pressure and blood sugar.

Yoga and Meditation

Researchers at Atlanta's Emory University report that those who meditate regularly appear to have less cognitive decline as they age.

ZZZZZZZZ

"Going without sleep raises beta-amyloid levels," says Carper. "There is some evidence that sleep disturbance can be linked to dementia," adds Corbett. •

Top Tony in his lab working on this week's invention. some of his patents the mice haven't eaten. Yet

Is this the UK's most prolific and brilliant inventor?

Tony Cuthbert's revolutionary ideas could transform our world. So why aren't they being put into practice?

PATENT GENIUS

Bladeless, cordless lawnmower anyone?

LAST MONDAY, TONY CUTHBERT WOKE UP IN HIS REMOTE WELSH COTTAGE WITH AN IDEA. He opened his laptop and tapped out: "Hear is an inventoin for a new chuck deavice, using an aloy with a low liuqifactoin tempratur..."

Inventors normally guard their ideas and try to patent them before talking about them, but Tony, who's dyslexic, doesn't care who knows about Monday's little inspiration. "Having new ideas isn't a problem for me. I come up with a moderately interesting invention every day and a really good one about once a week." He says this without arrogance and with a touch of surprise, as if talking about someone else. "It may be something to do with my dyslexia, but I seem to think differently from other people."

At the age of 65, Tony can't remember how many bright technological ideas he's had, but he reckons it must run into "many thousands, most of which I've forgotten". Michael Laughton, professor of

By Tony Edwards electrical engineering at

London University, ;,)

.1) who's spent the last 25 years scouring Britain for out-of-the-way inventors, says Cuthbert is unique. "Tony is the most prolific and gifted inventor I've come across. Given the right backing, he could surpass Edison's record of a thousand patents."

So how many Cuthbert patents are there? "I've no idea," says Tony. "The documents are somewhere in my workshop...assuming the mice and squirrels haven't eaten them." At our request, he agreed to count them—for the first time. There are 72. "There should be three times that many, but I must have lost some," he says with a shrug.

The rewards for technological creativity are notoriously fickle: Dyson's vacuum cleaner has made its inventor a multimillionaire, but the designer of a simple cardboard milk carton is worth billions. If there were any justice, Tony Cuthbert would now be in that league, too—for his Clutchless Gearbox alone. And then there's the Cuthbert Turbine, the Cuthbert Metal Separator, the Cuthbert Elevator, the Cuthbert Sub-Sea Salvage System...the list goes on.

I Tony is the most prolific and gifted inventor I've come across"

MICHAELLAUGHTON, PROFESSOROFELECTRICAL

ENGINEERING,

LONDONUNIVERSITY

And yet Tony lives on the breadline, with just three dogs for company and a state pension his only income—the classic struggling lone inventor.

"One of Tony's problems is that some of his inventions are so revolutionary they can threaten existing technologies," says Professor Laughton. "That makes it difficult for him to convince the various industries he has tried to interest." Dyson had precisely this problem with his vacuum cleaners and finally had to manufacture the machines himself.

But Cuthbert is not in the entrepreneur mould. "I'm just an inventor," he says disarmingly. "Also, Dyson focused on a single invention, but I have so many different ideas, I can't concentrate on any one of them long enough."

At school, Cuthbert had been the classic classroom dunce. Profoundly dyslexic, he was bottom of the class in everything apart from science. "More suited for manual labour than mental work," said his final report when he left his Liverpool school at 15. He began work as a garage mechanic, then joined the Merchant Navy as an engine boy.

Tony's maglev: "a fraction of the cost of current systems"

13

After 18 months he had risen to chief electrical officer—at 19, the youngest in the fleet.

"As I had no qualifications, they had to apply for a dispensation to employ me in such a high-powered job," he says. "But I seemed to understand instinctively how things worked. Whenever there were any electrical problems on board, I knew how to fix them. That's how I got the job so young."

He stayed with the Merchant Navy for 20 years, until severe arthritis forced him into early retirement. He bought a tumbledown cottage in a tiny ravine in mid-Wales and set up his own consultancy. He quickly became famous as a local Mr Fixit. "If a firm has a technical problem, I can normally offer them two or three solutions within a couple of days—for almost any kind of technology," he says.

The word about Tony soon spread far beyond Wales—to no less than the Ministry of Defence, who have sometimes called upon him for advice.

"They sit me in front of 50 or 60 high-powered scientists or engineers with PhDs and degrees, and say, 'Tony, we've got a problem with a bit of kit, can you help?'

One day it could be what they call `novel power sources', another day radars, or Chieftain Tanks. I've always been able to offer at least a couple of solutions."

But Tony's not content with solving other people's problems. "I find my mind constantly bubbling over with ideas for new inventions," he says, "but not trivial things like a new corkscrew. I like to grapple with the big stuff."

Take the car engine.

Small-time inventors are fond of engines —they have lots of little bits to improve on. But Cuthbert's not a tinkerer.

"There have been only two basic engine designs—one by Otto and Benz, the other by Wankel— neither very efficient," he says, "so I decided to try and redesign the perfect engine from scratch."

It took him a few months to come up with a novel concept—an engine with just two moving parts (a typical car engine has over 100). The heart of it is a pair of wave-shaped discs that rotate when energised by a series of spark plugs. "It's a cross between a car engine and a turbine," he says, "and up to 100 times more powerful than either."

He first offered the design to Britain's Perkins Diesel Engine company, whose engineers were initially enthusiastic, but soon rang Tony with bad news. "They told me their finance people had ordered my engine to be dropped, as it would be 'detrimental' to their business," he says. "I guess it was a competitor to their existing products."

Cuthbert had a different reply from a major US aerospace contractor. "They 0

) said they didn't think the turbine would work," he says, "but I heard that one of their subsidiaries was investing thousands in developing it." Cuthbert handled the snub diplomatically. "I didn't get heavy with them, but offered to help them build it—all I wanted was a few hundred quid a month. But they refused. So I got a lawyer involved and they stopped work on it."

SOME OF TONY'S MIND-BOGGLING INVENTIONS

• An enginewith only onemoving part.

• Aprotective devicefor mobile-phone radiation.

• ALeak-proof,deep-sea electrical connector

• An advanced powersteeringsystem.

• A propulsion system that could get you to Marsin just a few hours.

But another US company recently got hold of the Cuthbert Turbine idea and is now marketing it. Cuthbert just shrugs. "Oh, well, no matter; in the meantime, I've come up with a better concept—an engine with only one moving part," he says. "And in any case, I've got plenty more ideas."

• A cableless elevator that could revolutionise how skyscrapers are built.

Tony has got used to seeing others develop his ideas. Take his patents for an advanced power-steering system and a protective device for mobile-phone radiation. "I tried to interest manufacturers in these years ago. Now, someone else is doing them." But why isn't he making money? "I couldn't afford to keep up the patents," he replies.

In Britain, the intellectual property rules are quite inventor-friendly—at least initially, as it costs nothing to file a patent. But that dispensation lasts only a year, after which the fees are upwards of £10,000 to keep it going. That's why

most inventors need to find investors, but that takes salesmanship.

"Lots of people think Tony's a mad professor, with ideas coming out of him in torrents," suggests Mike Glossop of Ferrofluidics, a company Cuthbert has done work for. "I might use the same term myself, but as an endearment. He's both an oldfashioned experimental physicist and an extraordinary lateral thinker."

Indeed, Tony is no amateur. While his own cottage is Spartan to the point of eccentricity, he appears to have spent every penny on his workshop—an Aladdin's cave of spectrum analysers, frequency counters, oscilloscopes, strain gauges, suspension wires, strange liquids, magnets, bicycle wheels and metal sheets and rods. "I've used them all in thousands of experiments," he says.

It was while "playing around with" magnets and aluminium strips that Tony came up with an invention for skyscrapers: the Cableless Elevator. His idea was that the lift car would float in free space, held aloft by magnetic repulsion against the metal walls of the shaft. A magnetic motor drives the lift up and down. "It could revolutionise the way skyscrapers are built," says Dr Gina Barney, a UK expert who's examined a working model. "Its ability to go horizontally and vertically is sensational."

But are any manufacturers interested? "Well, yes and no," says Cuthbert. "Two major lift companies thought it amazing, but said they'd already invested heavily in a different but less-elegant system and it would be 'difficult' to change."

The idea doesn't end with lifts. "In principle, the concept could be used to convert the UK rail network to highspeed magnetic levitation, or maglev, trains," says Cuthbert, "at a fraction of the cost of current maglev systems."

So, is he working on it ? "No," he says excitedly, "because I've come up with a propulsion system that's better even than maglev. Watch this." He presses a button and two coin-sized discs are flung forward, causing a metal plate to shift position. "It doesn't look

AMAZING WEATHER FACTS!

1. HOW THE WEATHER AFFECTS YOUR HEALTH

It's possible to say you're "feeling under he weather" and mean it literally. esearch shows specific correlations tween the weather and our health. , Sp& t (wet y lomete ologists can be issued to predict w

Our endocrine system, which regulates hormones, is affected by a change in the weather. As the days lengthen, our daytime hormone serotonin increases while our sleep hormone melatonin drops. For some, this happens quickly —but for others there's a lag, resulting in the"winter blues"or Seasonal Affective Disorder.

much," he says, "but this is a real breakthrough. It appears to break Newton's Third Law of Motion, but it doesn't; it just modifies it. With that, you can float off the ground, travel anywhere—even get to Mars in a few hours."

But for the moment, Tony's sights are set on a couple of more earthbound ideas: a leak-proof, deep-sea electrical connector and a bladeless, cordless lawnmower. "The technologies are already out there," he says, "but no one's put the concepts together before."

How did the US philosopher William James define genius? "The faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way."

>3. To see a short film of Tony Cuthbert at work, go to readersdigest.co.uk/magazine.

Severe cold can also cause our blood to thicken, increasing blood pressure and tightening the airways. There's a link etween cold weather and deaths from art attacks and respiratory illnesses. •ur bodies react differently depending health or lOcation, Patients with tuberculosisorblood diseases benefit from mountain resorts, with their lower levels of water vapour and higher ozone levels.

Dr Liz Bentley is founder of the Weather Club, formed by the Royal Meteorological Society. Visit readersdigest. co.uk/links for more.

WHATAl LOVELY RECESSION

Believe it or not, there's an upside to the economic crisis, argues Alison Kervin (left)

PHOTOGRAPHED BY PAL HANSEN

OK, enough doom and gloom. Enough worrying about the economy and falling house prices.I'm here to bring you a twinkle ofgood news. It seems that while the recession has been wrapping its tentacles tightly around the country's fragile finances, it's simultaneously been making us fitter and healthier.

Yes, it's odd, but entirely true. Leading US scientist Dr Christopher Ruhm has been looking at the impact of recessions for over two decades and has concluded that when an industrialised country goes through recession and people lose their jobs, they become healthier.

His huge study shows that, for every per cent increase in unemployment, there's a two per cent decline in the death rate of 20- to 44-year-olds. In the US, "A one percentage point rise in unemployment lowers the predicted death rate by around 11,000 fatalities annually," he reports. If you consider the proposed redundancies in the public sector alone, you can see how these figures start to stack up.

Ruhm's first research, conducted ten years ago, has now been backed up with data from a joint project by Stanford University and theUniversity of North Carolina. "The analysis provides strong evidence that health improves when the economy temporarily deteriorates," concludes Ruhm.

When you think about it, it makes sense. Consider the things that make us less healthy: smoking, failing to exercise and eating badly. These all change during recessions because people stop thinking about work as the centre of their lives t

and focus on other aspects of living. Take obesity, one of the leading causes of preventable death in the western world. Research shows that people are more likely to be in the healthiest weight ranges in bad economic times, with a "statistically significant" reduction in average BMI. "Physical activity rises and diet improves when the economy weakens," says Ruhm.

Not only does the number of smokers fall during a recession, the number of cigarettes being smoked drops, too

Joblessness also boosts the consumption of fruit and vegetables, and lowers the daily intake of dietary fat by two per cent. Without work, people have more time to exercise and prepare healthy meals, and aren't just grabbing comfort food between meetings.

As for smoking, Professor Ruhm suggests that in the US during the 1990s recession, smoking—especially among heavy users—declined by five per cent. And not only does the number of smokers fall, the number of cigarettes being smoked by individuals drops, too.

And there's more. In recessions, people tend to drive less, either as an economy measure, or because they're no longer commuting or driving around as part of their work. So not only do people walk and cycle more, but there's also a direct effect on road-traffic accidents.

Ruhm's research found that

deaths from drunk driving declined a great deal during the 1975 and 1982-83 recessions. A one-point increase in joblessness is expected to reduce fatalities by 4.6 per 100,000, suggesting that many people who drink and drive are doing so straight after work, or that the drop in drink-driving is down to less socialising. There are less obvious benefits, too. Families tend to spend more time together and people become more conscious of the environment as they cut back on expensive pursuits. In the UK, since the recession began, councils have noted an increased use of libraries and a fall in household rubbish.

The downside to all these figures is that once they've dropped during a recession, they don't stay lowered when the economy picks up again. It's strange that having adjusted to a healthy lifestyle, people revert once they're back in employment.

Obviously, there's a bleak side to losing your job and the prestige, finance and framework it gives to your life. Perhaps the important lesson to take away from this is that spending more time on yourself, reducing stress and exercising more really does make a difference.

Do we really have to wait for unemployment to bite to take these lessons on board? •

RD EXCLUSIVE

Survival of an entire species can rest with just a few newborns.

Martin HughesGames has been travelling the world in search of the most at-risk species for a new documentary series. We asked him to keep a diary... urtesy -Games

Super-furry animal: Martin cuddles Holly, a year-old wombat. "Wombats have to be one of the most adorable creatures on earth. Holly seemed to enjoy it just as much as me!"

DECEMBER

3, 2009

RUSSIAN FAR EAST

The BBC's really splashing out! It's costing us150 roubles (£3) a head to stay in this but in the middle of the Russian forest.

Walking to the "toilet hut" (basically, a hole in the ground in a small shed) at night is exciting. There are footprints of leopards, tigers and bears in the snow around here! Minus 16 degrees C today.

DECEMBER 4

When filming, I find fresh footprints of an Amur leopard in the snow. Linda Kerley (a US researcher) tells us there are now only 35 left in the wild, making the Amur leopard the rarest big cat in the world. I'm shocked to find Linda has only seen a live leopard once ini4years of working here in these huge forests. The others are only known by photos taken by the camera traps, triggered by passing leopards.

DECEMBER 5

While we're filming my set-up pieces we find an iced-up but by the frozen river. Linda tells me it's the bathing hut that's fired up just once a week to heat

water for her and all the forest guards to have their weekly wash. Linda's huge, twinkly-eyed Russian husband helps me wash my hair in a bucket. Last night in the Russian far east; we travel back to Vladivostok tomorrow (if the snow holds off). Linda tells us that just one exceptionally hard winter, disease or a slight increase in poaching could snuff out the wild population of Amur leopards in a single season. Captive breeding may be the only hope. We look at some of the camera-trap photos— these are beautiful animals. So strange seeing a leopard in a snow-covered forest —somehow I think of leopards as a "hot" animal? Their fur is nearly three inches long in winter.

DECEMBER 6

TXT TO EMMA, OUR PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SNOWED IN AT VLADIVOSTOK AIRPORT. AIRPORT SHUT FOR FORESEEABLE. GR8.

DECEMBER

7

NAIROBI, KENYA

Bottle-fed Makena, an orphaned baby elephant, today, then had a wrestling match with her—total submission from me when she started pulling my hair out with her trunk. That's cheating! But also a reminder that even the tiniest babies are unbelievably strong.

Milking the situation: Martin feeds the orphaned Makena at The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Kenya — "It was a privilege"

DECEMBER 7

TXT:STILL SNOWING, WILL WE EVER GET OUT? HAPPY XMAS!

DECEMBER 8

Seeing the baby elephants playing together and looking so happy (can you say that? I think so), it's too easy to forget what they've been through. Little Makena spent days beside the dead body of her mother after the poachers had shot and hacked her to bits—all the little ones at this Trust have had an

appalling start to their lives. Sometimesyou despair about humans—but, on the other hand, the keepers here are totally dedicated: they live alongside the elephants 24 hours a day, literally sleeping in the same rooms as the babies to ensure they feel secure. We've got the best and worst of humanity here.

Dame Daphne Sheldrick,

who's worked with these animals for 25years, says they've come to realise the baby elephants' mental needs are just as important as their physical needs.

FEBRUARY 15, 2010

We've been trying to find Emily ever since we got here, but I meet her at last. It's an extraordinarily emotional encounter. This

mr, massive female elephant detaches herself from the herd, thunders over to us (I'm sitting on the roof of the Land Cruiser) and offers me her trunk to blow down (I've learned how to greet elephants properly!). Not scary at all—I just feel so honoured that Emily has chosen to come to us.

In the background, her tiny baby is hidden between two "aunties". So Emily has gone back to the wild and mated with a wild bull. This is the end of perhaps 5o years' work by The David Sheldrick Trust (13 with Emily herself). They've managed to get their first orphan back to the wild—so it can be

done. I hope camera-man Toby manages to film it, as the car is lurching all over the place from Emily leaning on it. I think it could be a bit of telly magic.

APRIL 14

ATLANTA, US

I find out today that it costs 1.1 million dollars to "rent" a panda. China actually

A baby panda has a snooze in an incubator during its check-up, before going back to mum owns all the pandas on earth and you only ever borrow them. So is the panda a money-making venture or is there a real desire to conserve the species and one day even return captive-bred pandas to the wild? Right now, I'm feeling confused. I'm due to meet my first panda, Lun Lun, tomorrow.

APRIL 15

OMG! Pandas are gorgeous! All my scientific objectivity shoots straight out the window the second I see a living, breathing panda—I just want to pick her up and cuddle her! WHAT IS GOING ON?! Pandas mess with your mind. I can't believe the relationship the keepers have with the pandas here. They have a system where Lun Lun lets them do anything in response to command words (in return for a small food treat). They were even giving the male—Yang Yang—eye drops today. He just offered his eye and let them do it.

APRIL 17

We've timed our visit to coincide with Lun Lun coming into season and getting pregnant, but she doesn't look ready. I hope we've got the timing right, but so far...nothing!

APRIL 19

TXT: HOW LONG CAN WE EXTEND OUR STAY HERE?

APRIL 19

TXT: OK BUT SHES NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS YET. DO YOU THINK VOLCANO [ICELAND] WILL AFFECT US?

APRIL 19

TXT:PHEW THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!

APRIL 20

Georgia Aquarium is awesome—they have four whale sharks here, for goodness' sake! They were delivered by 747 from Taiwan, two sharks per plane—no, seriously, that's incredible. Still absolutely nothing with Lun Lun. Come on, girl! We have to go home soon.

APRIL 20

TXT: VOLCANIC ERUPTION HAS STOPPED ALL FLIGHTS PLEASE REBOOK HOTEL

APRIL 22

TXT: DRIVING TO HOUSTON VIA NEW ORLEANS TO TRY TO GET FLIGHTS

SEPTEMBER

2,

AUSTRALIA

I wake up this morning and literally have no idea which Australian city I'm in. It turns out it's Adelaide. To be totally honest, I didn't think it was right to do the Tasmanian devil story as part of this series—an animal facing extinction

because of a horrible transmissible cancer sounded too difficult for BBC-1. But I now think I was wrong—in many ways it's what Nature's Miracle Babies is all about.

SEPTEMBER 5

Have to confess (on camera) I've never seen a live Tasmanian devil before, and wouldn't have confidently recognised one up to about a week ago. The shame! Get to hold a sweet (very bitey!) little baby devil, Mildred, while filming the "fostering" part of the story.

Meet Lorraine Dewey, one of the inspirational people we keep meeting as we film. Her house is full of orphaned babies, wombats, possums and Tasmanian devils, all of which she looks after. She seems unsentimental and extremely down to earth, just unbelievably committed. It's humbling to meet these people. We come in, film and move on, but it's 24 hours a day, seven days a week for Lorraine.

checking and resetting the traps. The point of trapping is to remove infected Tasmanian devils from the population and so try to stop transmission of the disease (it's passed on directly by bites).

Stuart tells us that in some places the population has dropped by 95 per cent. Tasmanian devils sometimes look like a huge head full of razor-sharp teeth with a small dog's body tacked on behind. Stuart is amazingly good at handling the devils once he's tipped them out of the traps into the hessian bags, but sometimes... we catch Roxanne (his old nemesis) and she bites Stuart again! Right through the finger, blood everywhere. Stuart has to rush to hospital to get jabbed up.

a species (and where on earth did it come from?).

I complain about being a bit tired and Nadeen, the helpful lady from Save the Tasmanian Devil programme, turns

SEPTEMBER 8

Out all day with Stuart Huxtable and his team,

I'm not sure if this trapping will be successful. They may have to end up relying on the healthy captive-bred populations. Amazing to think a disease can potentially wipe out

to me and says, "Suck it up, princess!" Er... OK, Nadeen.

SEPTEMBER 9

Last trap today turns up a shock. Stuart says immediately he doesn't like the look of the poor devil and he's right. Her mouth and head are covered in

Hand-reared baby

Tasmanian devils— not looking quite so devilish!

(Inset) Stuart

Huxtable inspects for mouth cancer

awful cancer lesions, and much worse is to come. She has four tiny but very healthy babies in her pouch. What can we do?

Desperate evening. Colette Harmison, the vet, drops everything and drives down four hours from Hobart to see if the poor mother can be

operated on and so live long enough for her four babies to get big enough to be fostered. Poor Colette has to examine the mother and make her decision on camera. I'm convinced she'll be able to operate but I'm wrong—one of the cancer lesions is too far gone. Colette decides tv‘

"I'm allowed to,go in for the first feed of the day! For 30 minutes I'm the plaything of four very naughty pandas. Brilliant"

the kindest thing is to put her to sleep there and then. Not just the mother but the babies, too. Can't speak. Dreadful. Hardest part of the whole series.

SEPTEMBER

12

CHENGDU, CHINA

Last scheduled shoot— the Panda and Research

Centre in Chengdu. No idea what to expect.

SEPTEMBER 14

To my amazement, I'm allowed to go in with the four young pandas to deliver first feed of the day—I'm warned they are very "playful" after breakfast. Make the mistake of assuming they'll be as

sweet and cuddly as they appear. Note to self: never forget pandas are bears —that means teeth, claws, ambush and attitude. Shirt shredded, jeans ripped to bits, blood! For 3o minutes I'm the plaything of four very naughty pandas. Brilliant. Poor cameraman Steve also attacked, but carries on filming manfully.

SEPTEMBER 16

Chengdu is fascinating, completely different from expectations: hugely friendly; awesome vegetarian food; the unexpected everywhere. Whole crew have ears inspected by street ear cleaners! Food menu has the following items: "arctic tony salmon fight", "oats fried pigeon song", "dry pot duck lips""0 with fire underwater explosion" and, for the very hungry, "Australia with fried celery"! Get to hold and cuddle a tiny baby panda as I'm delivering the last piece of the film. Can't believe I'm allowed to do this. It's like a small, sleepy living doll. Have had to change my mind completely about pandas. Realistically, for many endangered animals, stage one

Ear cleaners at night on the streets of Chengdu. "You can pay a few pence to sit and have your ears cleaned out! Urgh!"

is learning howto successfully breed them in captivity before you can think about stage two, returning them to the wild (if suitable habitat can be found). It's hard. Of the first 116 pandas born in Chengdu, only 16 survived—shocking figures. But after decades of research they have a 95 per cent survival rate. Only now are they starting seriously to think about the possibility of returning pandas to the wild. If

they can do that, thousands and thousands of other species will benefit by living in the pandas' habitat. I've realised you do need iconic species like pandas, gorillas and tigers to get people interested and motivated to have any chance of creating a habitat for all the other animals and plants that can live alongside the "icons".

OCTOBER 9

TXT FROM EMMA: JUST RECEIVED EMAIL FROM ATLANTA, LUN LUN IS PREGNANT! CAN YOU DROP EVERYTHING AND GO TO US IMMEDIATELY? WHEN CAN YOU LEAVE?

Just a starter portion, Please withFried Celery Austratto

OCTOBER 9

TXT: PACKING!... •

>> The documentary Nature's Miracle Babies is coming soon to BBC1.

Their churches are trains; their parishioners are guards and drivers. Christopher Middleton meets the clerics who are out tending the vineyards of the Lord—on Britain's railway networks

STATIONS THEEROSS

Stephen Sorby Niork Station

Scarlet tights, a polka dot dress, brightly rouged cheeks and a luxuriant auburn wig. Meet the Reverend Stephen Sorby.

All right, so he may not be wearing conventional clerical garb, but there's a perfectly good reason why he is standing on platform three of York Station, dressed as a pantomime dame. Reverend Sorby is one of Britain's 18 full-time-raihvay chaplains—who minister to staff and passengers at stations across the country—and today he is "working" the trains of his north-east England patch, inviting passengers to put money4

God really does move in mysterious ways: Reverend Stephen Sorby welcomes passengers to platform three

PETER BYRNE PHOTOGRAPHY

Z) into a large bucket for charity "I got £2,000 yesterday and I'm hoping to do even better today," gasps the reverend, putting his feet up for a moment. "It's all in a good cause, but I tell you what— these heels are killing me!"

With that, he takes a deep breath, rises from his seat and totters off to catch the 14.36 to Newcastle, where press photographers await his arrival, having been alerted to his fund-raising by a news release from The Railway Mission, the charity that employs the majority of the chaplains.

Today as I follow Sorby around, his work is all rather happy and hilarious. But these high jinks are only a small part of his role. Just a few days earlier, the 39-year-old wasn't entertaining all and sundry with his Widow Twankey impressions. He was running a group-counselling session at his Darlington station base with traumatised railway staff and passengers.

"They'd witnessed a young man being fatally electrocuted on the roof of a train," he explains. "He'd climbed up to get his shoe, which had been thrown up there. Unfortunately, he came into contact with one of the high-voltage wires and burst into flames.

"There was CCTV footage of the incident, which normally I don't watch. This time, though, the people who had been there wanted me to understand the entirety of what they'd seen. I have to say, I'm still trying to black it out of my mind."

Humphrey Gillott ")-t Pancra()

It's not just individual tragedies that the chaplains—who are trained by the British Transport Police, the Samaritans and others in areas such as grief counselling and conflict resolution—get involved in. They've attended all the major UK rail disasters, including, for example, the one in Selby, North Yorkshire, where—ten years ago on February 28—ten people were killed when the driver of a Land Rover fell asleep at the wheel and collided with an express train.

The chaplains' duties at these terrible events can range from making tea and offering rescue workers a listening ear, to the altogether more intense.

"I was approached by a doctor and asked if I would spend some time with a bereaved father, who was sitting in a makeshift tent, beside a body bag containing the remains of his daughter," says St Pancras-based chaplain Humphrey Gillott. He's recalling the Ufton Nervet crash of 2004, when a highspeed locomotive crashed into a car on a Berkshire level crossing, killing seven and injuring over 70.

"I knelt beside the father and prayed until the undertakers came," says the 65-year-old, who worked for Barclays Bank for 31 years before taking up his railway mission. "It's hard to put into words the absolute and utter horror of that crash scene as the dawn broke. The rear power unit continued

Reverend Doug Downie:

"If a railway employee has a problem, they're not going to tell you in a busy office"

0 pushing the train forward at speed after the impact, so the carriages were all over the place, and the buffet car twisted beyond belief."

just a year later, Gillott, among other chaplains, was called out to the 7/7 London bombings. "I spent most of my time going round the British Transport Police cordons, chatting to the officers on duty and handing out Mars bars," he recalls. "The people who had been on front-line duty had all seen terrible things and, though they weren't ready to talk about them, found it comforting that we were on hand."

Doug Downie York Station

The same sort of principle applies to the chaplains' less high-profile work, too. Apart from their official duties, such as the blessing of new trains or conducting of Christmas carol and Remembrance Day services, the bulk of their day-today ministration involves visiting their "parishioners" at their place of work, whether that is a station, ticket office,

signalbox, drivers' messroom, backroom admin office or a hi-tech network control centre.

Which means a lot of their work is simply chatting: meeting new people who've joined the company, enquiring about others who have moved on or are on sick leave, and, in some cases, just giving people the chance to let off steam about their job, whether they're a station cleaner or the managing director.

Whoever they're meeting, though, they always take supplies of the annual Railway Mission calendar. As well as having a different colour picture of a

train each month, it also, crucially, carries the chaplains' contact details.

"If a railway employee has a problem, they're not going to tell you in a busy office", says Doug Downie, a former Salvation Army captain now running the rail chaplaincy at York. "But they may well contact you in private at a later date."

As to the nature of the problem, that can vary from a marriage breakdown to a financial crisis, from illness and job stress to fears of redundancy (workers on not-so-busy branch lines seem to live in constant fear of their station being "de-staffed"). Importantly, all conversations are kept confidential.

"The only

time we are required to pass on informationis if there is something illegal or likely to affect public safety" says the Reverend Liam Johnston, the Mission's executive director. "Although our charity is largely financed by the train operators and Network Rail, we're not directly employed by them."

Indeed, it's built into the chaplains' philosophy that they present themselves as fellow rail industry workers, rather than emissaries either from God or senior management. Which is why most of them only wear dog collars when officiating at religious ceremonies such as weddings, funerals, or, as recently, the consigning of a driver's ashes to the firebox of a working steam train.

When travelling around with the chaplains, you find that not every member of staff greets them with cries of exultation. For every two or three t

Reverend Andrew Hall: you won't find him—or any of the railway clerics—in a dog collar

railway employees who welcome them with a smile and a cup of coffee, there's at least one who makes it clear they'd rather get on with their work.

Mind you, coping with a frosty reception is nothing new to Doug Downie, who encountered plenty of those during his time with the Salvation Army, when they would go on word-spreading, donation-collecting visits to pubs and clubs—in full uniform.

"The worst occasion was when I found myself on the end of a stand-up comedian's jokes for quarter of an hour," he recalls. "Of course, we respect people's right not to have anything to do with us; all we seek to do is to let them know of our existence, and of our willingness to help people of all faiths—and of none."

He proceeds to demonstrate this over the course of the afternoon I spend

with him on the York to Harrogate line: commiserating with a guard over the recent loss of a friend, sympathising with a signalman who's got a recurring chest complaint, and hearing how one of the Harrogate station staff has created a nostalgic photographic exhibition in the waiting room.

He also makes a mental note of someone he thinks may need his services: a staff member who very pointedly ignores him, but who he suspects may have been switched to desk duties after a track fatality. Quite often, it seems, a traumatic incident will trigger a railway employee's need to talk and each year there are some 300 passenger suicides on the nation's rail network, which means that while chaplains in the more remote regions may only get a couple of cases per year, those in the built-up parts of Britain may get 20 or more.

Andrew Hall

Birmingham New Street Station

"In the 18 months I've been doing this job, I've had 43 fatalities on my patch, most ofthem passenger suicides", says Andrew Hall, who has a tiny office at Birmingham New Street Station, sandwiched between two photo booths—but whose rail chaplaincy stretches all the way from London's Marylebone to the Welsh borders. "In most cases, the drivers and guards have been exposed to some very upsetting sights.

"Instead of approaching them directly, we do it through their line manager, making it clear we are on hand to help. Quite often, we won't hear anything back initially; it's only after two or three months that the effects hit home and the flashbacks start.

"There is, in my experience, no way of knowing how it will affect people. There are cases of drivers weathering six fatalities and not being able to carry on after the seventh. The thing is, with high-speed impacts, the victim's remains are pretty much vapourised; identification becomes a matter of DNA, rather than anything else."

Which is why Stephen Sorby has set up a special railway book of remembrance for the benefit of suicide victims' relatives that he takes with him to the stations in his area. "They can put photos of their loved one in there, and

perhaps a poem. In some ways, the book serves as a place for them to visit."

The chaplains can be providing support for months, sometimes years, after an incident. And it takes many forms.

"I was asked by one woman to apologise to all the people who had been involved in dealing with her father's suicide," says Reverend Hall. "More recently, I've been asked by a driver to accompany him to the inquest of the man his train hit. The family have requested his presence and he has no choice but to go."

All our reverends agree that working for the Railway Mission is an enriching experience. Stephen Sorby gave up a six-figure salary as a senior government adviser at the Department of Health to become a railway chaplain.

"I earn a lot less, but I'm far happier," he says. "When things get too bad, I buy a cheap china mug from the market, tell it all the things that are upsetting me, then smash it against a wall. It works every time!"

And, of course, for those moments when something stronger than mere crockery is needed, the chaplains have their Christian faith to hold on to.

"You see, this isn't just a job, it's a calling," says Humphrey Gillott. "Sometimes the demands are great, but, at the same time, I get this massive sense of fulfilment and satisfaction from knowing that I am doing the Lord's will."•

>> For more information on the Railway Mission, visit readersdigest.co.uk/links.

n ambition, osing his faith

I Remember...

...being a precocious child with curly platinum-blond hair. My parents would take me with them to parties and put me to sleep in strange beds—the sound of adult laughter drifting upstairs is a strong childhood memory.

...my mother asking me if I'd like a little brother. I thought she was suggesting I have the baby myself. I'd been an only child for nine years and had got rather used to having things my own way. But he was adorable. Because of the age gap I missed out on a lot of his childhood; I'd gone to university by the time he was nine.

...going to Crusader classes when I was little. They were like Sunday school classes and I became very involved with the Church. Looking back, it was arly indoctrination; when you're six ars old and going to Bible class, you on't know any better.

.1 fell in with an uncool crowd at secondary school. They were slightly nerdy and not much good at sport. I felt trapped in their clique for a few years and was rather miserable. It wasn't until sixth form that I broke away. I'd always been good at art and got a reputation for doing pictures of all the teachers; the attention it got me was

From blond bombshell, aged two, to mindcontrolling maestro, now aged 40

Z) exciting. I stopped feeling so intimidated by all the sporty, cooler types at school.

.1 spent a lot of time in my room on my own. I made things with Lego and drew. I didn't have many friends over. My best friend at school was Nigel and we're still really close, but otherwise I was quite a solitary child. I dreamed of being a poet or a vet.

...getting one of the top marks in English A leveleven though I hadn't read any of the books. I could come to class and just pick it up and understand all the themes. I had a good head for symbolism, but I don't actually know what happened to Jude the Obscure in the end...English and art were the two subjects I was best at, but I certainly didn't have a reputation for being super-bright.

...choosing to read Law and German at Bristol Universitybecause someone had told me being a lawyer was a good career choice. No one from my family had ever been to university and my parents were really proud I'd got in. When I arrived, I realised I didn't have any interest in law at all.

...being surrounded by kids from wealthy familieswho had a huge amount of parental pressure on them to do well. I remember writing my parents a letter thanking them for being so supportive and for never having forced me into any particular niche in life.

"I wanted to be the centre of attention at university. I fostered a poetic look"

...thinking that I wanted to change people's perception of me, to start university with a blank slate. But I rather overdid it. I was still very religious and became very outspoken. I wanted to be the centre of attention and dressed eccentrically. I fostered a poetic look; I wore cloaks and tied my long hair back with a velvet bow.

I set up a society called the Civ Soc, meaning the "civilised society". We were supposed to go on jokey operatic outings and things. But, not surprisingly, I got the mickey taken out of me.

Recently, I went to a university reunion and I spent the whole time apologising for my behaviour at Bristol. It turned out everyone cringed at their former selves.

...going to a hypnosis show by Martin Taylor.It was amazing! I remember walking back with a friend and saying, "I'm going to learn how to do this."

...I wanted to learn how to have that control over people.At the time I wasn't quite aware why Taylor's show had affected me so strongly, but now it's obvious. Hypnosis ticked so many boxes for me. I was insecure and my neediness could be channelled into performing. And it was the very people I found most intimidating— the rugby-playing sporty types—who were the most submissive to hypnosis. Even if hypnosis is just the illusion of control, I wanted to have it.

...I quickly became the "hypnosis guy".I found the learning process absolutely fascinating and threw myself into it. People would come into my student room and, if they were good subjects and up for it, I would hypnotise them. My early attempts were very tentative—simple things like telling people their arms were too heavy to lift up. But if they came back I found I could quickly by a simple click of hypnotise them again my fingers. my eyes: the chair where Look into Derren first ...someone coming to performed my room who I thought hypnosis had been before.With a click of my fingers he was in a hypnotic state. It was only afterwards that I realised it was his first time. I thought, How did that happen? I hadn't given him that instruction before. I realised that day that hypnosis had a lot to do with people's expectations and my new-found confidence. That was enough.

...learning to keep my work and my personal life separate. I don't do tricks now unless I'm being filmed or on stage. I see my work as a game that I play with people; something I can switch on or off

...getting a hugely negative reaction from the Christian community at Bristol,with whom I was still very involved. I found this odd because I was fascinated by the human mind— if you believe we're God's creation, AC's Nei

t surely the mind is the pinnacle of that creation? But their reaction was one of fear and misunderstanding.

...I started to understand the power of suggestionand how charlatans are able to pull off tricks such as psychic phenomena. The Church's reaction to psychics seemed silly. Rather than exposing it as nonsense, it was making it more powerful by calling it demonic. This further estranged me from the Christian community.

...trying to work out if I could defend my religion from an intellectual point of view. I read lots of books on how the Bible was put together and hoped that I could rebuild my faith based on finding answers explaining why I should believe. But my efforts broke down and now I'm an atheist.

...putting on my first show in my hall at university.It was pretty dreadful, with no structure to it. One of the reviews said it had certainly put everyone to sleep, but not through hypnosis!

...I never felt nervous performing. Sometimes I'd turn up to a show and if there wasn't much of an audience I'd think, I've been paid, I'll just carry on. Even if the hypnosis didn't always work, it didn't feel like the stakes were especially high. I'd laugh it off and

carry on. At last all my desire for attention was being channelled into something positive.

...I lived a completely self-indulgent life. A couple of gigs a week and the rest of the time was my own. I practised a lot and went for long walks. I didn't drive—I was shocked to fail my test and I've never taken it again

...I became fiercely independent. I continued to live in Bristol after graduation. I signed on and got housing benefit. I started to do a few acts in restaurants and some private parties, building up my reputation as a magician and hypnotist.

...Hived on my own with my parrot. My friends were younger than me, the students still at university. Looking back, I wasn't interested in girls, but avoided facing up to my sexuality. I'd do tricks for people as a means of overcoming my shyness; I'd hide behind their amazed reactions and so avoid having real conversations.

Who's a p then? D parrot Figaro finds retty boy erren's

a perch

Wowing

3. Hey presto! Is this your card, sir?

...getting a call from a production company in1999 suggesting I audition for a Channel 4 mind-reading show. I wasn't desperate to be chosen, but I showed them a few tricks and that was it. My TV career had started and, ten years on, my life is one of tours, television and commitments. I never take a break or have time to myself. I sometimes mourn the lazy lifestyle of my twenties.

...my heroes weren't magicians.I'm most impressed by the sort of person who, when they leave a room, people say, "What a lovely guy!" I've had one eye on becoming that person. Since I've become well known, and particularly with my work in the selfimprovement world, I've come to realise there's only one quality we all need: kindness. Setting goals and closing deals is all well and good, but performing an act of kindness raises our own levels of happiness—no magic required. •

As told to Caroline Hutton

n Derren Brown's Svengali tour begins on March 9 at theTheatre Royal, Brighton. See readersdigest.co.uk/links for details.

COMING SOON TO A PHONE NEAR YOU!

Never mind diaries, calendars and maps; think of all those "apps" that don't exist but are crying out to be invented:

Mr Angry Ever thought of a good insult when it's too late? Never be lost for words again with Mr Angry, which supplies you with quips for all occasions.

Bremnerator Hone your celebrity impressions! Simply speak into the microphone, giving it your best shot, and get a mark out of ten for accuracy.

Frowntone Know someone with a really awful ringtone? This will infiltrate their mobile when you dial the number and replace it with something much nicer (a restful piece of classical music, perhaps, or the sound of a steam engine).

Forsooth "Dost thou knowest the way to the station?" Forsooth converts your text messages into Elizabethan prose. Very classy, and not pretentious at all.

App killer Removes apps from your phone, so you can use it for making calls (not playing the piano, tossing digital cows or drinking simulated beer). Tom Browne

think I was the only one of nine people on board the Irene who'd eaten breakfast on the morning of September 28 last year. We were all nervous, knowing that the 32-foot catamaran, laden with aid and heading for Gaza, could be intercepted by Israeli military forces at any moment. Yet this was the climax of months of careful planning. In June, Jews for Justice for Palestinians (JFJFP) had asked me to captain the first all-Jewish boat to take on Israel's four-year blockade of the Palestinian territory. It was a symbolic mission, as we were 99 per cent sure that the Israelis would stop us. But our aim was to say clearly that many Jews are highly critical of a blockade described as illegal by the Red Cross and UN High Commissioner for Human Rights—among many others.

A British organisation, JFJFP had appealed to its 1,600-strong membership to raise funds for the boat following the death of nine activists on board the Mavi Marmara aid ship when it was stormed by Israeli troops in May. Within ten days, we'd raised £20,000. I'm a retired social worker but also a long-standing member of the group and an experienced sailor. I've been involved in activism for years—travelling to Czechoslovakia to deliver aid to the democratic movement during communist rule, for instance—so I was dispatched to Greece to find, purchase and prepare a vessel. Then, with two crew members, I sailed it to Famagusta in

British activist

Glyn Secker (far left) and, near left, crew and passengers from Irene, just before the trip to Gaza

"Our aim was to say that many Jews are highly critical of a blockade described as illegal by the Red Cross"

4`) Cyprus, where we picked up six prominent activists and set out on the 22-hour trip to Gaza.

Among us were 82-year-old male Holocaust survivor Reuven Moskovitz, Rami Elhanan, who lost his daughter in a Jerusalem suicide attack, Yonatan Shapira, a former Israeli air force pilot who's now a peace campaigner, and his brother Itamar, a well-known army refusenik who was sacked in 2009 from a job at a Jerusalem Holocaust museum for comparing the suffering of Palestinians to that of Jews during the Second World War.

We were anxious that we could be hurt, but we'd carefully considered our tactics. We would employ passive resistance to the Israelis, in a way unlikely to provoke a violent reaction. On the other hand, we were determined not to concur feebly with their prohibition and turn away when commanded.

The mood on the boat overnight from Famagusta had been quite excited. We all got on well and had a great sense of solidarity, believing we were going to achieve something significant. But as we approached Gazan waters, where the Israeli military would soon show up, everybody went quiet.

We were about 35 miles off shore when one of the crew said, "Hey, there's a big ship on the horizon!"

It was a huge Israeli navy frigate, perhaps 100 feet long. It was shadowing us and slowly coming nearer.

When it was about five miles away, its commander called us on the radio, demanding to know who we were. I

said we were a British-flagged boat, we were in international waters and that we were bound for Gaza. We had no intention of going into Israeli waters and expected safe passage.

After five minutes of silence, the commander told us—as we expected— that he wouldn't allow us through. He said we could go into any Israeli port we wanted. We didn't want to turn back or go into an Israeli port, I retorted. We had a well-publicised policy of passive resistance, were carrying no weapons and wished to exercise our rights under international law to go into Gaza.

Then they would board us, the commander replied. Itamar was told that he was responsible for any harm that came to us.

We sailed on for 20 minutes. Then I saw a sight I will never

forget: in a semicircle on the horizon, coming towards us at 35 knots from the back of the frigate, were two gunboats, two high-powered landing craft and four inflatable boats. You could see their bow waves glinting in the sunshine.

"The troops prised me off the helm. Adrenatin took over and everything seemed to slowd

Making a stand: Reuven Moskovitz (left) and Itamar Shapira unfurl their banner on the deck of Irene

This is like a film, I thought. Is it real? Within minutes, the boats flanked us on either side. They contained perhaps 100 troops. A commander repeated the threat to board us through a megaphone. I hollered back, repeating our legal rights. It was surreal.

And then the boarding started. Commandos came at us from both sides. I felt daunted but resolute, and clung to the wheel as hard as I could while the rest of Irene's crew held hands in the cockpit and sang.

The troops prised me off the helm, grabbing hold of my fingers and peeling them back one by one. Adrenalin took over and everything seemed to slow down. The next thing I remember was being thrown down into the cockpit and hitting the floor hard. I staggered to my feet and made a grab for the ignition keys, but a commando tore them from my hand.

On the other side of the boat, troops seized Itamar and Yonatan—who, in 2003, authored the "Pilot's Letter", a declaration by 27 pilots that they would no longer fly missions over the occupied territories. The brothers are hate figures in the Israeli media and the commandos wanted to separate them from us.

Thirty-year-old Itamar was dragged backwards over the safety wires onto the bottom of one of the boats. Yonatan was clinging tightly to Rami, so a commando fired two taser shots into his ri

shoulder. Then he moved Yonatan's life jacket away from his left breast, placed the taser gun directly over his heart and fired. The 38-year-old had a total muscle spasm and flew halfway across the cockpit with a fearful scream. He, too, was dragged into the rib.

The troops got control of Irene's wheel and drove as hard as they could towards the Israeli port of Ashdod, the other boats still flanking us.

Part of our passive resistance tactic was refusing to take the boat ourselves into any port outside Gaza. If the military were going to force us into Ashdod, they would have to take us there themselves. I wanted to make that as hard as possible, so I announced, "I need to go to the toilet," and went below deck.

The toilet was near the boat's fuel taps, so I tried to turn them off. One didn't work properly but the other did, and soon one of Irene's two engines began to fail.

"Do you know what's going on with the engine?" the commander asked me. "It's not working very well."

"I've got no idea," I replied. "It's been like that the whole way. It's never been very reliable." I think he expected me to tell him how to fix it!

The Israeli boats had to tow us into Ashdod. During the two-hour journey, the commandos—young guys, mostly about 20—wanted to know why we, as Jews, had attempted this trip. All the other vessels that had tried to break the blockade had had Muslims on board or European "loony lefties".

When we pointed out that we were

"A people who oppress another people can't the be free' The blockade ofGaza is not in our name"

from a 1,600-strong organisation—out of a population of only 250,000 UK Jews—and that we'd raised the money to buy the catamaran in just ten days, they went quiet for a moment. They realised we had a lot of support.

We tried not to engage in technical debates, such as whether the food and water situation in Gaza is as bad as the UN says. Instead, I replied, "Look, what you're doing is morally wrong. The blockade against Gaza is collective punishment. We're saying to you, as Jews living outside Israel, that there's increasing discomfort with this. A lot of us think what you're doing is reprehensible and you're giving Israel an increasingly bad name."

They didn't reply after that, but they made eye contact, so I think they took it in. I was pleased to have offered them an alternative perspective.

When we arrived in Ashdod, we were searched several times and locked up overnight. Then, after some wrangling

with lawyers, I was deported the next morning on a plane, bound in ankle cuffs with two guards accompanying me all the way to Heathrow. A welcome party of friends and family, arranged by my partner Vanessa, greeted me.

I later spoke to Yonatan to see how he was after the tasering. He was deeply affected. He had recovered physically but was shocked. I think he really believed that, if we only offered nonviolent resistance, the commandos would show restraint. When the Israeli Defence Forces issued a statement about the boarding to the media, they said it had been done "peacefully", but there's nothing peaceful about firing a taser into somebody's heart. If he'd had an underlying health condition, it could have killed him.

But what we did has helped create a mood shift among the international Jewish community. In the past, it was felt that the so-called diaspora should never criticise Israel. But, after we made headlines across the world, some alternative Jewish voices are now being heard. In November, a group of young American Jews shocked the world by standing up to protest about the Palestinian occupation during a New Orleans speech by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. And ten days later, Mick Davis, executive of the Jewish Leadership Council in Britain, publicly criticised Israeli policy.

In November and December, universities in the UK—Goldsmiths, UCL, Manchester and others—started asking me to give talks about my experience

on the Ireneand my views about a future peace for Israel. The response was fantastic: people came up to me afterwards and said they were beginning to feel they could voice their views without being accused of anti-Semitism.

This month, I've been invited on a speaking tour by a Jewish reform group in Chicago, so I'll be taking my message to the US and Canada. I'm also advising a group of American organisations that are planning to send a flotilla called The Audacity of Hope to Gaza, including a Jewish boat.

The tag line for JEWP—"Two peoples, one future"—isn't just a catchphrase; it's deep a philosophical statement, because I believe a people who oppress another people can't themselves be free. The state develops a rationale and its people have to lead defended lives.

Taking Irene to Gaza was about saying that, in terms of cultivating a future for Jews and Palestinians, the blockade of Gaza is not in our name. •

As

told to Ellie Rose

RATHER OBSCURE VINTAGES

TEACHING MADE EASY

What happens if you ditch formal education and let children learn by themselves?

By Professor Sugata Mitra

Teacher, leave those kids alone: Professor Sugata Mitra's original self-learning computer project in Delhi inspired the novel on which Slumdog Millionaire was based

Z)

There's a growing problem in UK primary schools.Many youngsters seem to be disengaging from a formal classroom education because they think they know better than the teacher. And, in a way, they're right.

For the past four years, I've been studying teaching methods in schools in the north-east of England. When I ask pupils what they think of their lessons, I've been told: "Why should I sit and listen to someone tell me lots of facts when I can find them on the internet in five minutes?"

This isn't arrogance. These children are simply "digital natives" who've grown up using the web on a daily basis and have developed different ways of absorbing information from older generations. Luckily, I think I've found a way of harnessing this to keep them stimulated in class—and actually improve both their understanding of core subjects and exam results.

FROM DELHI...

The origins of this approach come from an experiment on the edge of a Delhi slum12 years ago. I'd placed a weatherproofed computer in the perimeter wall of the offices of the IT company I worked for, to see how it would work outside—expecting it to be vandalised by the local children.

To my surprise, the computerilliterate slum kids were fascinated. They formed ad hoc groups and taught themselves—through trial and error, but without adult help—how to operate the computer and find information from it [as reported in "The Hole in the Wall Gang",Reader's Digest, May 2009].

This led to the placing of other computers in outdoor, public locations in poor communities across much of Asia and Africa. In each case, local youngsters would spend hours discovering all sorts of things through the machines, from learning English to how DNA works.

Sometimes an adult mentor would ask them to look into a specific subject.

In one southern Indian village, for example, I left some information on biotechnology on the public PC and invited the children to find out more. They uncovered huge amounts of knowledge and retained it—scoring an average of 70 per cent in a test four months later. In remote areas, where there are few teachers, these methods have become a useful addition to formal education. Some children have even been inspired to go to college where previously a job working on the land beckoned.

...TO DEEPEST TYNE AND WEAR

British children, of course, usually have easy access to a good education. But using PCs in similar ways can still bring huge benefits, as I've proved at St Aidan's Primary School in Gateshead. Two years ago, as an experiment, I divided a Year Four class of eight- and nine-year-olds into groups of roughly four per computer. I simply told them, "I'm going to ask you something really hard. Human beings talk to each other in lots of different languages, but where did language come from?" Then

I left them to find some answers using the internet. They were free to talk among themselves and to other groups. The only rule was that if they got too rowdy, the session would end. But because it was an enjoyable break from the normal school routine, by and large they behaved. Their teacher Emma Crawley had little to do but sit and watch. The original feature in Reader's Digest

My only rule? If it got too rowdy, the session would end. They

behaved

"DIGITAL NATIVES" IN ACTION

After an hour or so, the children reported back with some extraordinary insights into the history of language, well beyond what you would normally expect from nine-year-olds—such as theories about how it had developed from animal noises. A few months later we tested the children on what they'd learned and they had almost photographic recall. They'd also understood what they'd discovered, Emma reported, as they slipped relevant bits of information into other lessons. Emma began to repeat the technique—which I call the Self-Organising Learning Environment method (SOLE)—for other topics. Each time, she would start with a general question, such as "What was ancient Egypt like?" or "Why is everyone so worried about the environment?" and leave the children to research online in small groups for around an hour. She would then take what they'd learned and use it to introduce specific subjects covered as part of the curriculum.

The kids were engaged, they barely realised they were doing school work and they gained impressive results. Their SATs scores—in subjects including English and maths—rose significantly in a year. They were also passing GCSE-level questions years before they were due to take them.

M So how does SOLE work? Children feel more relaxed looking for information and answering questions in small groups. If they get something wrong, they know they won't be made to look foolish. Through reasoning, discussion and cooperation they can also find new ways to discover material online and understand far more of what they find than they would individually. Emma has found that it improves children's attention span and behaviour, too.

CARRY ON SURFING

At the start of the project, one child asked me, "Why should I work to become a professor like you, when I can earn almost as much as a bus driver?"

This isn't a statement you'd be likely to hear in India. Economic development in the West has narrowed the gap between rich and poor, but, ironically, this has robbed some children of ambition. Why bother to study hard at school when you can have a reasonable standard of living in a manual job?

But SOLE seems to reinject children with a love of learning—their enjoyment of the process is motivation enough. One boy told me he'd wanted to be a footballer but, since using the method, he now hoped to be a primatologist. Following the success at St Aidan's, several other schools have asked

for demonstration SOLE classes. Some teachers are cynical—letting children study in self-supervised groups can seem chaotic at first—but most are receptive. British primary schools have, on average, one PC for every seven children, but even younger members of staff have little idea what to do with computers, beyond the odd IT or science class. SOLE gives them an everyday purpose.

I've given talks on this learning method to MPs at the House of Commons, but I don't think it should be imposed on teachers by the Government. Teachers need to embrace it individually and spread the word to colleagues. This month, Emma and I are visiting schools to demonstrate SOLE, and I hope it will be adopted across the UK. I really believe some children could use it to pass their GCSEs much earlier.

At present, SOLE is seen as experimental. My vision is that one day it will be taught in teacher-training colleges— and become a fundamental part of modern education. •

As told to Simon Hemelryk

>> Sugata Mitra is professor of educational technology at the School of Education, Communication and Language Sciences at Newcastle University.

oastguards recently came to the aid of a man who got trapped by rising tides on the Scottish island of Cramond. Nothing odd about that—until he gave his name as Daniel Defoe, otherwise known as the author of Robinson Crusoe.

"He was a bit sheepish about revealing his name," said a spokesman, "but this Daniel Defoe did all the right things and the rescue was straightforward." In other words, he wasn't marooned for 28 years and didn't adopt a parrot

1,001 things.., is compiled and written by

Linda Gray

WELCOME TO THE PAGES THAT HELP MAKE LIFE SIMPLER, EASIER AND, WE HOP ' MORE FUN! STARTIN HERE WITH... 1,001

things everyone should

HOWTO....get on with

BRING THREE ADULTS

TOGETHER FOR A FAMILY

REUNION and the eldest is soon running the show. Meanwhile, the youngest plays the charmer and the harassed middle one tries to keep the peace. There's just no escaping the impact of your position in your family, says psychologist Linda Blair, author of Birth Order (£12.99), because the characteristics are imprinted between the ages of three and seven.

Siblings are hard-wired to compete for parental attention, and to do that we have to be different. So because we're rivals (as the Milibands prove) we continue to squabble like five-year-olds.

Birth order affects our choice of partner and even our careers, but it's never more evident than when we're with our family. Instinctively, we revert to the pattern learned as children. "When you were a child,you didn't have the power to control your emotional reaction. Nowyou do," says Blair. "Watch out for old rivalries. If you were jealous ofyour elder brother's success then,you could feel the same about it now."

So let it go, even if you're still smarting from that Chinese burn in 1973. Your shared history means the relationship is too important to jettison, says Blair. "Siblings can be increasingly important in adult life—after all, who else in your life has known you so long?" And hang onto the thought that had the birth order been reversed, you might be just as annoying as they are.

HOW TO ...enjoy the flight

THOUGH SITTING

IN AN

ALUMINIUM TUBE POWERED BY BLOW

LAMPS is enough to make anyone nervous, most of us manage to stifle our fear of flying. But as many as one in three finds it impossible, says pilot and psychologist Professor Robert Bor, and either endures the flight in a panic or refuses to fly at all. In many cases, even airlineendorsed courses at £250 a pop don't work. "Up to 4o% of people who take part still can't get on a plane two years later," says Bor in his book Overcome YourFear ofFlying (£7.99). The answer, he reckons, lies in ourselves, not the airline's safety stats.

HOW TO ...keep your feet dry

WELLIES AREN'T THE ONLY WAY. Thanks to nanotechnology,you can skip through puddles without squelching. Originally developed for army use to repel chemicals, ion-mask is a microscopic plasma that shrugs off liquid. Tests on clothing and eyewear are in process, but at present it's primarily used for shoes, especially trainers and walking boots, because it waterproofs without adding weight. It performs brilliantly in tests—Which? gave Hi-Tec's V-Lite boots with ion-mask top marks for water-resistance after soaking them in a tank for seven hours. So hopefully they'll survive the odd shower.

THINGS

Start by challengingyour beliefs (My hands are shaking—I must be in danger). Then question your three worst fears (Turbulence means we're going to crash) to see how valid they are, replacing generalities (Flying is dangerous) with specifics (I feel vulnerable up here). Now change your behaviour, dropping any reassuring rituals. Gulping vodka or gripping the armrest generate more

HOW TO ...stop nuisance calls

YOU CAN WIN THE COLD-CALL WAR, even if the switchboard is in Albania, beyond the reach of the Telephone Preference Service.

Sign up for TPS anyway (look on the web for their site and follow instructions to register). This should stop UK-based sales calls, though it can't block those made abroad or from debt collectors or market researchers. Nor can it handle silent calls. For those, TPS recommends Silent CallGard, which blocks calls from automated diallers, if not your ex. If that doesn't work, BT's Choose to Refuse service bars up to ten UK numbers for £3.40 a month. It also

anxiety, so stop your body's panic response by focusing on your surroundings and slowingyour breath. When you're ready to book a flight, stay within your comfort zone. If being stuck for hours in the middle of a jumbo jet is terrifying, book an aisle seat to Paris instead. If your heart still pounds at the thought, ask your GP about cognitive behavioural therapy, available on the NHS.

offers anonymous call reject for £4.10, but there's a risk that it could block fire and rescue services, too. Should you desire peace at any price, buy a TrueCall blocker from Amazon (£89.95). This gizmo divides numbers into a safe list and unwanted ones and suppresses silent, withheld and international calls, too. It asks for names, and only contacts you if they comply. So those unwanted callers get a taste of their own medicine with a brusque automated response. Genius!

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET YOUR ELBOWS OUT IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO HIT THE SHOPS OR BOARD A CROWDED TRAIN:after all, you could face a senseless mob liable to turn nasty. Except that crowds aren't like that, says psychologist John Drury of Sussex University, who believes they are frequently benign. "A crowd is instinctively cooperative," he says. "Studies of emergencies such as Hillsborough, 9/11 and 7/7 show that even in extreme danger, people rarely panic. Instead, they look after each other."

The emotional bond sensed at a football match or concert binds individuals together, he says. (Indeed, it's a fiction that we dislike crowds, as anyone who's sat through a play in a half-empty theatre will know.) This shared experience means that if crowd-control measures such as kettling affect bystanders, they're more likely to feel sympathy with the demonstrators than the police. Because

a crowd isn't other people. Like it or not, if you're in a crowd,you're part of it. But if you'd rather get out?

• Don't push your way into a confined space.Move forward steadily to create a smooth flow, giving people space to leave as well as enter and to move around you.

• Keep on your feet.If you fall, pull yourself up by grabbing other people's clothes, says Grylls. If you can't, roll into a ball and protectyour head.

• Communicate.Explaining why people should leave in an emergency stops the inertia that's more lethal than panic, says John Drury.

• If you're trying to win over a crowd, emphasise that you're all in it together. It's the reason strikers traditionally appeal to their "comrades".

• Stay on the sidelines soit's easier to peel off. Ifyou're hemmed in, move sideways to escape, says survival expert Bear Grylls. Look for all the exits, just in case.

HOW TO ...tame an allotment

FOR £30 A YEAR AND A COUPLE OF HOURS A WEEK, you could have a plot bursting with vegetables straight out of The GoodLife. Or maybe not, because almost 5o% of allotment holders flunk the Tom-and-Barbara test in12months, despite waiting an average of three years for their plot. So what goes wrong?

It's too bigLocal authorities are legally bound to provide allotments large enough to feed a family of four, traditionally 300sq yards. If the full size is daunting, ask for a half-plot or to share with someone who knows their onions—you could learn a lot.

It's a tipSome authorities will remove rubbish and strim the plot before handing it over (congratulations, Plymouth) but many expect you to clear it. Neglected plots should be cheaper to rent.

It's all weeds"Strim it, then cover two-thirds of the plot with black plastic for ayear to choke weeds," advises Lia Leendertz, author ofThe Half-Hour Allotment (note,that's 3o minutesmost days), £16.99. "Plant quick-growing crops like lettuces and courgettes in the remaining third to motivate you."

It's a desertDig in plenty of muck, start a compost bin,then plan four areas for the different plant groups— legumes, root veg, brassicas and onions. Still struggling? Request a visit from a National Society of Allotment and Leisure Gardeners' rep, 01536 266576.

It's not fairBreak the rules and the allotment inspector can fireyou. Councils usually insist allotments are regularly tended, and they ban hosepipes. You may need their consent to grow more flowers than veg, or to have chickens or even a shed.

>> For a monthly allotment update, read Joanna Cruddas's blog at readersdigest.co.uk.

What your plumber won't tell you

>> Plumbers are often gas fitters too.But ask to see my Gas Safe registration before I meddle with your heating—it's illegal for me to work without it.

>> A new boiler lasts about ten years.The old monster I've just removed might have served you for 25, but condensing boilers—the only type I'm now allowed to install— won't go on that long. They're more efficient so you might save £225 a year on fuel. But if it costs £3,500 to have it installed,you'll lose D25pa.

>> Pray for a warm winter. Modern boilers can't cope with extreme cold because the condensed water they produce turns to ice. (If this happens, use a hot-water bottle to melt it, then press the reset button.)

I blame lazy installers. They could lag the pipe, fit a heating element or do what

I do—drain the fluid into the waste-water system inside where it's cosy.

>> I know combi boilers are popular, but they're really best for small families. They heat water on demand, like a kettle, so you may have to wait for that long, hot bath, especially if someone runs a tap elsewhere. Still keen? Opt for a storage combi boiler that keeps hot water in reserve.

>> Not every Mr Fixit is a plumber. Next timeyou pick a name out of Yellow Pages, ask if they're a member of CIPHE, the Chartered Institute of Plumbing and Heating Engineers. Members have an NVQ Level 3, plus a five-year track record.

If you only do one thing,find out how to turn the water off at the mains. lfyour supply's metered, the off switch will be on the meter. If it's not, find the stopcock and turn it clockwise. It's usually under the sink.

>> Why don't you lag the pipes?

Claims for burst pipes

topped £35 million in 2009/10, but most could have been prevented. A well-insulated loft warms the living space but keeps the pipes out in the cold, so wrap them up. Sorry, sacking won't do—they need proper pipe insulation for a snug fit.

>> Turn the heating down, not off.If you're away, the pipes could burst in a cold snap. And in unused rooms, it's best to keep heating on low to prevent cold spots.

>> Just because it says it's flushable doesn't mean it is.Put tampons and wet wipes in the bin if you don't want to pay my call-out fee.

>> Forget the free watersaver. Water companies will send you one to put in the toilet cistern if you ask, but don't bother if you've had a bathroom makeover.

Loos under 12years

old use less water, so you'll find you won't need one.

>> Four things that will save you Eas in call-out fees. A hair trap for your shower, £5. Spare 0-rings or washers for dripping taps, £1.50 a pack. A key for bleeding radiators, £2 max. And an industrial-size Coopers plunger for blocked loos, about £7.

>> The water police are watching.Moving house isn't the only timeyou're expected to have a water meter. Water companies can insist on one if you use a sprinkler, have a power shower or live in an area of water scarcity (hello, East Kent).

>> Don't replace things piecemeal.Buy a toilet pan and cistern together if you want the loo to flush properly. And budget for some pipework or at least a chemical cleanse when replacing a boiler or the radiators won't warm up.

>> Why pay me to fix the too?If the overflow's dripping, the ball valve —£12 from B&Q—has probably failed. Turn off the water and flush the cistern. Undo the pipe to the ball valve, remove the old valve and simply bolt in the new. Simple! •

on the Ward

Max Pemberton witnesses

the consequences of a dilemma that many parents face

Mrs Demilade is shaking her head and crying."It's all my fault," she says, while a nurse comforts her by gently patting her on the hand. I glance over to Mrs Demilade's son Richard, prostrate on the hospital bed. The tube which he is now fed through snakes its way from his nostril to a bag of greyish fluid. It's a

"She chose not to have her son vaccinated, regret it"

heartbreaking scene for anyone to witness, let alone a mother. But Mrs Demilade is finding it particularly difficult—because she blames herself.

When Richard was a baby she was faced with a dilemma. It's one that

many parents wanting the best for their child have faced. She had to decide whether or not to give him the MMR vaccination against measles, mumps and rubella. Although any link between the MMR vaccine and autism has been categorically disproved, the doctor who undertook the research has been struck off the medical register and the journal that published the original piece of research has retracted it, the idea persists that this vaccine can be dangerous.

Mrs Demilade decided not to have Richard vaccinated, and she tells the nurse she'll regret this for the rest of her life.

The MMR vaccine was developed because the infections it protects against can be dangerous. For

most children, measles, mumps or rubella are unpleasant, but not life-threatening. However, for a small but significant minority, the illnesses can lead to permanent damage. Richard was particularly unlucky. The infection went to his brain—a condition

known as encephalitis. It lay dormant for ayear.

Richard started to behave strangely and had seizures. Since then, he's had many hospital admissions to tryto manage his condition, although there's no cure. It's possible he'll continue to deteriorate. Mrs Demilade had to give up her job as a librarian to become her son's sole carer. She does the job with dedication and love. It's particularly poignant because Richard is not in this situation because of neglect or carelessness. She only wanted to do the best for him. She blames herself, yet I can understand how someone reading scare stories in the press, with no medical training, unsure what to believe, would make the choice she did. The tragic fact is that while the scares around MMR were false, the fears around the infections remain well founded, and for Mrs Demilade and her son, unbearably real.

t Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the Mind Journalist of the Year 2010.

The Bowe

The bowel, or intestine, can be broadly divided into two separate parts—the large and the small intestine. The small intestine is further divided into the duodenum, jejunum and ileum, and the large intestine is divided into caecum and colon. These distinct segments are important because each one has a specialised function.

Not so "small" intestine

The small intestine is where the majority of digestion takes place. In an adult, it measures about 16 feet and has a diameter of about an inch. Enzymes are released from the pancreas into the bowel when food is detected. Another hormone is activated that stimulates bicarbonate to be released into the bowel, neutralising stomach acid. As food moves through the small intestine, it is broken down into molecules that are absorbed into the bloodstream. Proteins are turned into amino acids, fats into fatty acids and glycerol and carbohydrates into sugars. These can then pass through the bowel wall into the blood vessels. Certain parts of the small intestine absorb certain nutrients as they pass—the duodenum, for example, absorbs iron.

Clever colon

The main function of the large intestine is to absorb water. It takes about sixteen hours for matter to pass through it. By the end of the passage through the large intestine, faeces have formed. The colon also absorbs a few select nutrients, such as vitamin K, which is produced by bacteria living there.

Next month: the blood

MP

You can look great and feel great, but you might be surprised to learn that your cardiovascular system can age faster than you do. We sent four Reader's Digest employees to a Bupa health centre for some simple checks,

How old

are you

Sarah StewartRichardson, Picture Resource Manager, Books

Real age:36,Heart age: 33 Or Mace: A good result. She should continue to take regular exercise and drink sensibly, keeping an eye on her weight and getting her blood pressure checked regularly.

Sarah: I'm pleased, especially as my good exercise routine had slipped after returning to full-time

including cholesterol and blood pressure, and then used an online tool to work out their heart age. To help them improve or maintain it, Dr Peter Mace of Bupa Health and Wellbeing offers some advice

inside?

work after maternity leave about 18 months ago. Maybe I can fit in some exercise at home oryour new Wii!

Robin Humphrys-Smith, Campaign Manager

Real age:34,Heart age: 41 Or Mace' Robin's cholesterol (6) and blood pressure (14o/76) are both higher than ideal levels. He should cut his alcohol intake to within the recommended 21 units a week and do

some regular exercise. Robin: From now on bacon sandwiches will be a treat, not the normal weekend breakfast! I also intend to cycle more as the weather gets better.

Roberta Mitchell,Picture Researcher, Magazine

Real age: 57, Heart age: 49 Or Mace:Roberta had the highest reading for HDL, or "good", cholesterol, contributing to her relatively t,

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youthful heart age. HDL cholesterol helps remove LDL, or "bad", cholesterol from the arteries. Regular exercise will help Roberta maintain that level.

Roberta:I'm a vegetarian and eat a lot of fruit and low-fat meat substitutes.

I've lapsed with the gym recently, but feel that now is a good time to start again.

Robert Harman,Music and Video Marketing Manager

Real age: 43,Heart age:60

Or Mace: Robert's BMI is at the upper end of acceptable. He also has raised cholesterol (6.1) and blood pressure (136/108), so should aim to lose some weight and monitor the amount of saturated fat and salt in his diet. After that, he should quit smoking.

Robert:Blimey, this is a o shock! I started cycling to worki8 months ago—a • 14-mile round trip—and have lost two stone.

Obviously I must now stop smoking my usual five E cigarettes a day. I'll also try < to substitute fish and z chicken for red meat.

0 •Want to test your Li own heart age, or find LD'out about Bupa health assessments?Go to • readersdigest.co.uk/links.

OVARIAN CANCER

The quest for a test

Ovarian cancer kills four times as many women in the UK as cervical cancer,mainly because there's no easy way of diagnosing it. Often called the "silent" disease, symptoms can be vague but include persistent pelvic and abdominal pain, bloating, difficulty eating and feeling full quickly. These might be combined with other problems such as urinary problems, changes in bowel habit, fatigue or backache.

But encouraging news is that a blood test for a protein linked with the disease, CA-125, looks hopeful. One study found the CA-125 blood test was more effective when used with three other cancer markers. So a mass of research is going into developing it as a reliable screening method. And atrial of 200,000 women is underway at University College London, with results expected by 2015.

"We can pick up 8o-9o% of cancers that will develop in the next year before there are any symptoms," says chief investigator Professor Ian Jacobs. "But the big question is whether it's early enough to save lives."

For this reason, there's other work going on at UCL to find blood tests that could pick up tumours even earlier than CA-125 can. "The holy grail is that in five to ten years' time, a woman will be able to walk into a high-street chemist, give a blood sample and then find out her risk of developing ovarian cancer duringthe nextyear."

5 ways to stay off the fags

1.Write it down.Jotyour reasons for quitting on an index card and keep it to hand to remind you. Incentives might include, "My health, my children, my partner..."

2.Visualise a tennis match. British researchers found that volunteers were better able to ignore the urge to smoke when told to picture themselves playing tennis. Better still, actually play it.

3.Play patience on your PC instead of having a cigarette break.

WE13$4

This takes about the same time and is much better foryou. Or find another diversion, such as a phone call.

4.Save money you'd spend on fags in a large glass jar. Earmark that money for somethingyou've always dreamed of doing but never thoughtyou could afford, such as a cruise.

5.Eat nuts.Eat four nuts for every ciggy you crave. You'll useyour hands and mouth, getting the same physical and oral sensations, plus nuts are nutritious and lower cholesterol.

Guys, are you peeing all the time but too embarrassed to go the

doctor? If so, you can go to a new website instead. Ask about this symptom and other prostaterelated questions anonymously and you'll get an answer from an urologist or specialist urology nurse, bypassing your GP entirely. But the site, run by the

non-profit-making European Men's Health Forum, has a research purpose, too. The plan is to find out what men really want to know about their prostate and to use that information (confidentially) to design better health promotion materials for men. •

Keep well into your 50s and beyond

A healthy diet and an active lifestyle are essential as we age, enabling us to stay active in body and mind, and to help us feel energised

Registered Nutritionist

Anita Ellis gives her top tips to help maintain all-round health

FOR WOMEN

✓ Eye health.Have a full eye test every two years (or more often if recommended by your optometrist). Certain nutrients can also play a role in eye health, so consider taking a specific vitamin supplement such as Vitabiotics Wellwoman 50+. The formula contains a complete spectrum of essential nutrients, including antioxidant-rich lutein, betacarotene and bioflavonoids, which can help maintain healthy eyes.

✓ B vitamins. Good for efficient release of energy from food. Bananas, liver, clams, kidney, fish, potatoes, lentils and Marmite are good sources of B vitamins, so include some of these in your daily diet.

s/ Heart health. Increasing levels of folic acid could help maintain a healthy heart. Food sources include green vegetables, beans, whole grains, lamb's liver and brewer's yeast. To safeguard your diet, take a multivitamin such as Wellwoman 50+, which includes folic acid and antioxidants to help maintain a healthy heart.

FOR MEN

✓ Keep energy levels high. the amino acid L-carnatine helps to release energy from

food. Top up levels with dairy products or pumpkin, sesame and sunflower seeds. So a seed-rich muesli with natural yogurt in the morning is ideal.

✓ Keep active. Regular exercise is good for your heart, circulation and general well-being. Taking a supplement such as Wellman 50+, which contains Siberian Ginseng, can also help support energy levels and maintain all-round health. As we age, nutritional requirements change, and it gets less easy to absorb essential nutrients from diet alone.

Wellman 50+ and Wellwoman 50+ include specialist bio-active nutrients to help maintain overall health and vitality as we age. They also include nutrients specially tailored for male and female health requirements.

Wellman 50+ and Wellwoman 50+ are available from Boots, Holland & Barrett, Tesco, Waitrose and online at www.vitabiotics.com. RRP £9.15 (1 month's supply)

A shade moreBari

There was a time in my life when,if you'd offered me blue eyeshadow, I'd have held out my fingers in a cross shape in the hope of warding off such terrible taste. Ditto fuchsia lipstick. Yet this spring, I've never seen so many colourful cosmetics. And have never been so tempted to try them.

But if you've spent aeons doingthe brown/beige thing, how doyou start dipping into colour again? Pablo Rodriguez, senior artist at MAC, gave me some tips.

"It's easier if you start with pastels before moving onto brights," he says. "Or apply colour in sheer layers, using a soft brush and then intensify by using one that's firmer. Don't overdo it. Simply choose one element of the face to

accentuate with something bold— perhaps just use a more vibrant colour on the lips."

Sharon Dowsett, catwalk make-up artist and UK director for make-up for Maybelline, New York, thinks the current brights can be confidence-boosting, as well as flattering. "Colour can be easier to wear than you think," she says. "For instance, if you stick to one colour and use only pink, say, on eyes, lips and cheeks, it has an automatically harmonising effect. Just be sure to use black mascara to avoid eyes lookingtired or sore."

Get set for eyepopping make-up shades this spring, says Jan Masters

But is age a barrier to brights? Estee Lauder's brilliant creative director Tom Pecheux reckons you don't have to be super-youngto enjoy the trend— and that you can use colours to

experiment and express different facets of your personality. To that end, his new Pure Color Lipstick (£18) and nail lacquers (£14) offer subtle and classic colours alongside more avant-garde shades. Certainly, there's something for everyone. Myfriend's 17-year-old daughter is crazy for the nail enamels in Wicked Green and Wild Blue, which on her look fabulously funky. I went for Violet Diva, which has proved surprisingly sophisticated.

Guerlain has also seduced me with a colour that's usually way off my radar: fuchsia. The shade is at the heart of Guerlain's stunning eyeshadow palette Rue de Rivoli (£52.50), which teams it with softer shades, such as gold and ivory. And the collector's edition Rouge G de Guerlain lipstick compact in Fuchsia Delice (£28.50) is prettily subtle once on the lips.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

It's a man's world, too

"If there are two essential skincare products that I'd recommend men buy(apart from sun protection), it's a face wash and a face mask," says Alan MacKenzie (inset), the man behind Organic Surge, the beauty and grooming range available at Boots that's packed with natural ingredients.

The Daily Care Face Wash (£5.1o) sweeps grime clean away, and the First Class Mask (£7.14), a non-drying, rinseoff formula, delivers a brightening boost and burst of moisture. "Men don't automatically think a mask is for them, but if they don't moisturise every day, this is agreat wayto cram in some intense reconditioning," he says.

And as the products have a fresh, contemporary look, they pass what Alan refers to as "the Gym Bag Test"— ie, would you pull them out in public? Happy to say both my husband and I would.

INSIDER TIP INSIDER TIP INSIDER TIP

Get a peachy glow

According to psychologists at the University of St Andrews, eating a diet rich in fruit and vegetables that contain carotenoids, such as carrots and tomatoes, can giveyour skin aglow that in tests people found to be more attractive than a tan developed in the sun. The message? Rather than walking on the beaches, hit the peaches!

I was chatting with Caroline Barnes, Max Factor's award-winning make-up artist, when she revealed that as she's applying cosmetics she can tell if a client uses a mirror that's side-lit. "It's easy," she says. "One eyebrow is more cleanly plucked and better-shaped than the other!" You've been warned... •

that credit card debt

A balance-transfer credit card is an incredibly useful tool when it comes to organisingyour finances and, if used correctly, can help make your debt cheaper and easier to clear.

How does it work?

Balance-transfer credit cards are designed to reduce how much interest you pay on your debt. These days, providers typically charge an interest rate of around 17%-18% APR, which means if you don't clearyour balance straight awayyou can end up paying a fortune.

By movingyour debt onto a balancetransfer credit card with a lower interest rate, more of your monthly repayments go towards reducingyour debt instead of paying off interest, which should mean you're able to repay it faster.

How do I know which balancetransfer card to choose?

There are two types—the o% deal and the long-term low-rate deal.

If you opt for a o% deal, you won't have

to pay any interest on your debt, aside from an initial fee of around 3%, for as long as the offer lasts—roughly 16 or17 months if you manage to snag one of the very best deals.

If you choose a long-term low-rate deal,you'll have to pay some interest on your debt, but the deal is likely to last much longer than a o% deal.

Can I spend on a balancetransfer card?

Many providers try to tempt customers into spending on their card by offering a short-term interest-free period on new purchases. However, due to a nasty trick known as "negative-payment hierarchy", this has always been a dangerous trap to fall into.

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Negative-payment hierarchy is when you're made to repay the cheapest debts —your balance transfer—before debts that attract a higher rate of interest, such as new purchases and cash withdrawals. As a result, expensive interest charges can build up quickly.

Fortunately, the Government has now changed the rules on negative-payment hierarchy and, as of this year, all providers will have to put people's repayments towards their most expensive debt first. This should mean the consumer will pay less interest overall.

But remember that the point of a balance-transfer credit card is to pay down your debt, so be wary about adding to your balance unless you're positive you can repay everything within the offer period.

What else do I need to know?

These days, if you don't have an excellent credit ratingyou may find it difficult to get a new credit card—particularly if it's a market leader. Also be aware that many providers don't allow existing customers to apply for certain creditcard deals, so make sure you check the small print.

Finally, it's crucial you don't miss any payments or exceed your credit limit. If you do,you could not only be hit with a fine, but your provider may also decide to withdraw your balance-transfer offer.

Victoria Bischoff is a personal finance reporter at Citywire Money, an independent website that helps people make the most of their money. See readers digest.co.uk/Links.

5 SNEAKY SALES PRACTICES

OSavings account names

Accounts called "Halifax Liquid Gold" and "NatWest Diamond Reserve" may sound like they're offering top interest rates, but in reality they often pay pitifully small rates, according toWhich?.

The Newcastle Building Society's High/ Extra High Interest Account (now closed) paid a rate of just o.oi%, for example. This would give an annual return of lop on every £1,000 saved—hardly "extra high"!

Broadband speed

Broadband providers came under fire not long ago for failing to make it clear to customers that the headline speed advertised is not the actual speed they'll get. Accordingto Ofcom, a whopping 97% of us do not get the speed we think we're paying for—with nearly half of us getting less than half of the speed advertised.

Providers claim this is because your speed is affected by a whole range of factors such as where you live, how much you download and how often you go online. But Ofcom claims this is unacceptable and has warned providers that if they don't buck up their ideas they'll face stricter regulation.

Debt-management companies

These companies are often guilty of misleading customers into believing the service they provide is free. It's also AIL"

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Whether it's a trip to the shops or a cross-country drive, a breakdown can ruin your day.

But with RAC Breakdown Cover, there's always a happy ending. Because wherever you are in the UK, we aim to get to you within 40 minutes. Every 7 seconds, someone, somewhere, calls RAC Breakdown", and we fix four out of five vehicles at the roadside%

As a Reader's Digest customer, you can get a massive 35% OFF Breakdown Cover. That means cover starts from as little as £34,78".

• Priority response if you are in a vulnerable situation

• Five call-outs a year (or more for joint or family cover or multiple vehicles)

• If we replace a part at the roadside, fitting costs are included in your membership

RAC Breakdown Cover is easy!

Call today on 0800 433 4736 and quote reference RDO1PM, or visit

tines open Ram -9pm Monday to Friday, 8.30am-5pm Saturday, and 10am-4pm Sunday. Calls may he recorded anclior monitored.

Discount applies to single personal based cover with payment on a continuous annual basis on all levels of cover. £34.78 is the price for single personal based Roadside cover. Prices correct at time of print and are subject to change. Offer cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer and may be withdrawn at any time. This offer is not available to existing RAC customers, Full RAC Terms and Conditions apply, available on request.

Source. Based on 4.34 million calls received in 2009. RAC measurement and Insight, Feb 2010.

Source RAC Measurement and Insight. Feb 2010. Excludes accidents and extreme failures.

Provided by RAC Motoring Services and/or RAC Insurance Limited. RAC Motoring Services (Registered No: 01424399

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Registered Office: as above) are authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority.

\ V/ not always made clear that there are free government and charitable services available to consumers.

Last year, the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) said the level of non-compliance with regulations across the sector is unacceptable and warned 129 debtmanagement companies that they face losing their consumer credit licences if they don't improve their standards.

The OFT also warned that too many advisers workingfor debt-management companies lack competence and provide consumers with poor advice.

0Loan "repayment holidays"

These "holidays" are not quite as jolly as they sound. While some lenders sell the idea as a "benefit", for the majority of people it will only make their loan more expensive.

Why? Because your loan period will be extended and you'll be charged far more interest as a result. This often isn't explained to people clearly enough.

Supermarket deals

Tempted by multi-pack offers in supermarkets under the assumption it works out cheaper than buying items individually? It's not always the case. Last year,Which?accused Sainsbury's and Asda of "illegally misleading" shoppers over the pricing of such offers and reported the pair to trading standards.

Sainsbury's, for example, was selling a triple pack of sweetcorn labelled "bigger pack better value", when it was cheaper to buy three tins. The supermarkets put their mistakes down to human error.

Beware boilerroom scams

Also known as a "share scam", a boiler-room scamis when a fraudster pretending to be a stockbroker tries to sell you shares that are worthless or nonexistent. But what are the warning signs?

It's a cold call.If you haven't done business with the company before, be very, very wary. Why are they callingyou? How did they get your number?

Most fraudsters use a professionalsounding nameand convincing website —some even steal reputable names and masquerade as existing companies.

They're based overseas.It's illegal for a UK-based company to cold-call someone and try to sell them shares, so companies are usually based abroad. Many, however, will have a UK-listed telephone number to look as though they're based in Britain.

You're promised massive returns, but the salesperson doesn't explain how

these will be produced. They may also temptyou with a "free gift" or "discount".

They claim to have "inside knowledge". But they won't tell you what it is or how they got it.

You're told you can't lose.Any investment involves an element of risk, so this is untrue—a legitimate company would never make this promise. You have to buy there and then.The last thing a fraudster wants is foryou to "go away and think about" their offer. If you feel under pressure to make a quick decision, alarm bells should start ringing.

You're asked to keep the call confidential. If it's a scam, fraudsters won't wantyou telling all and sundry. Legitimate companies will usually be happy for you to talk to others and ask for advice.

You're asked to pay upfront. Watch out for people who request an "advance fee" as a form of "security". Until you're sure the deal is legitimate, you should not be handing over any money.

They ask for your bank details.A reputable company would never, ever, ask foryour bank details, or indeed any personal details, over the phone.

FOR PROTECTING YOURSELF

Take your time to make a decision. Ask the salesperson questions and request written material.

a Check the stockbroker's details are listed on the Financial Services Authority's (FSA) online register of authorised firms. Try calling the firm back on the switchboard number provided by the FSA to make sure the call is comingfrom where it should be.

Check on the FSA website for a list of known scams to see ifyour experience matches anything listed. - Compare the market to see if the return you're being offered is realistic and consistent with similar schemes. Investigate a company's status and contact details, and check to see if it's a registered company on the Companies House website. t. If in doubt, always seek independent advice. •

Very saucy

Tasty

fish in less time than it takes to get to the chippy? Easy, says

Marco Pierre White

My Love of fishing is no secret.And, to be honest, I'm surprised by my passion for the sport because no one could accuse me of being a patient sort of fellow. In fact, my attention span is so short that even the remote control on our TV starts to complain when I put it through its paces. "Good things come to those who wait" is not exactly my philosophy of life. I tend to want it—now! Fishing is the antidote to all of this and I'm aware that every time I stand on a riverbank I'm learningthings about myself. I like to call it hidden depths. One thing we can all agree on is that nothingtastes better than a freshly caught fish. Sadly, salmon fishing is a rare treat for most of us, but one of the good things about modern life is that salmon itself is no longer a luxuryfood.

This dish is perfect either as a starter or healthy main course (or not so healthy if, like me,you add chips). The sauce might seem fussy on paper, but it's dead simple to do. If you make too much of it or want extra for a different occasion, then just pop it in the fridge. It will separate after an hour or two, so give it a quick stir before it has another outing.

I'm all for cutting corners in the kitchen, but one thing I won't compromise on is the freshness of the herbs. This sauce just won't taste the same if you use dried ones. The other thingto remember is that you can make the dish as hot as you want: just add more Tabasco. Serve with a crisp dry white wine and keep it to yourself that you've used more than a good dollop of ketchup!

FILLET OF SALMON WITH KETCHUP AND HERBS

(serves 2-4)

2salmon fillets

Extra-virgin olive oil

(or clarified butter)

Fresh herbs of your choice, to garnish

For the sauce

i7ogtomato ketchup

5og finely chopped shallots itbsp chopped fresh chives itbsp chopped fresh tarragon itbsp chopped fresh chervil

2tbsps Lea & Perrins

Worcestershire sauce

About io drops of Tabasco sauce

2tbsps white-wine vinegar

Maldon sea salt

i5oml extra-virgin olive oil

1.To make the sauce, mix all the ingredients together.

2.Cook the salmon fillets (start skin-side down) in the olive oil or butter in afrying pan for a few minutes on

each side, or longer depending on their thickness.

3.Put the fillets on a plate, skin-side up, and pour over the sauce. Garnish with soft herbs—basil, parsley, or whateveryou like.

• Marco Pierre White is donating his fee for this column to Macmillan Cancer Support.

MARCO'S MAGIC

Not everyone goes for raw onion, so chop the shallots as finely as possible. It will also mean the sauce lies more evenly on the fish

"I eat anything— ''• I'm a total scoffer," says cover star Samantha Womack. "The only thing I don't like is ..* celery" ...•

Dee Emerton-Hill

from Folkestone rustles up a warming dish for hungry hunter-gatherers

RABBIT STEW

1 rabbit, skinned and jointed; 2tbsps sea salt; flour for coating meat; butter and oil for browning; i large carrot, thickly sliced; 1 onion, chopped; 2tbsps sherry; i pint chicken stock; 1/2 pint white wine; 6-8 whole baby cherry tomatoes; handful of raisins; 6 chestnut mushrooms, quartered; asps tomato purée

1.Soak the rabbit in water with the salt for about 4 hours. Dry and coat in seasoned flour.

2. In a heavy casserole dish lightly brown the rabbit in the oil and butter. Remove and fry the carrot and onion in the same pan for a couple of minutes to colour slightly. Add the sherry.

3. Return the meat to the pan, adding the stock and white wine to cover. Bring to the boil and place in a preheated oven at 35o9F/18o0C/ Gas Mark 4 for about an hour.

4. Add the tomatoes, raisins and mushrooms and cook for another hour until the meat is tender. Stir in the tomato purée and season. Serve with roast potatoes or mash.

Red Blooded

Pinot Noir is hard to grow and expensive, but its gutsy flavour is well worth it, says Will Lyons

Wine snobs love to tell you about the joys of Pinot Noir—the red grape variety made famous by the Hollywood filmSideways.At its most sophisticated Pinot Noir is redolent with delicious smells such as strawberry, cherry, loganberry and spice. InSideways,the lead character Miles loves it because it's so difficult to grow. Its spiritual home is in France's Burgundy region, where it's undoubtedly sensational, but sadly expensive. Pinot Noir is never cheap, but recently countries such as New Zealand have produced some excellent bottles. Check out Asda'sExtra Special

Marlborough Pinot Noir 200813.5% (€9.48), which is packed with ripe, juicy, raspberry flavours—while Majestic's Oyster Bay Pinot Noir 2009

Marlborough13.5% (reduced to £8.79 when you buytwo) has a similar style, but perhaps with more dark-fruit flavours. Tasmania has also started to make interesting Pinot—Oddbins'Whirlpool Reach 200813.7%(£10.99) has lots of red fruit and cherry flavours with a soft freshness on the palate. Try these wines with roast chicken or cold ham. •

Damp proofing without the mess of replastering!

DAMP is a creeping menace that affects thousands of homes across the UK. It rots woodwork and carpets, peels wallpaper and causes fungus and mould growth on walls.

During the cool, wet months those tell-tale signs of damp will become more visible in your home. Treating your property for damp now is the best way to make sure your home is protected.

Holland Damp Proofing is a breath of fresh air that can permanently rid your home of the scourge of damp. No chemicals, no mess and no replastering — your property dries out... and stays dry for good. The idea is simple: draw out the moisture and the damp will disappear!

The Holland Damp Proof System® involves a series of small damp-regulating bricks which neatly fit into specially prepared niches in the external walls of your home, close to the ground. These cleverly allow air to flow into the brick

chambers and out again — circulating airflow through the inside of the wall which evaporates the moisture, drying out the wall and allowing it to breathe.

Holland's no-chemicals system is mess-free, and as the work is completed from the outside, there is no need to replaster. It can be used on most types of wall (including stone) and combines perfectly with cavity wall insulation.

And we are so confident that it works — we'll give you a 20 year guarantee, so you can have total peace of mind.

-t

Solutions

Bob Rowerdew answers your gardening questions

I've moved to a house with a very neglected garden—masses of weeds, grass and a few biggish apple trees. How can I tidy it?

A Before growth has started—while you PAcan see whatyou're doing—dispose of or store every bit of litter and other debris, and remove any obviously dead wood from the trees. It might be worth having a bonfire, especially if you have woody weeds such as brambles or scruffy shrubs. Dig these out or cut them to ground level, then cut up and burn or dump (properly!).

Then, with a tough rotary mower set high, start regular weekly mowings of the whole area, returning the clippings. If there are bare patches, over-sow with tough "recreational" grass seed. In only

a few months it will have turned into a grass sward —and by midsummer your garden will be a picture!

nMy allotment cabbages, sprouts and cauliflowers were all disappointing. My fellow allotmenteers say the soil is too sandy and dry. What can I do?

A These brassicas prefer PAmoist, rich, limy soils. Preferably follow a pea or bean crop from the previous year, add lime (a handful per squareyard) and rake this in thoroughly, well before the brassicas are planted. Start them in small pots and plant out as soon as you can in these spring months. Plant a tad deeply into soil mixed with as much compost, organic fertiliser or well-rotted manure as you can afford, then firm really well. Give each plant as much space as you can and water regularly.

fl1 want to fill my small front 14 garden with perfumed plants. I have several tub-sized planters, a couple of window boxes and

some hanging baskets, but I'm bored with just lots and lots of colour. Any ideas?

In your window boxes

*sow night-scented stocks. But, as this is an evening bloomer, mix with Virginian stocks for a prettier daytime show. Add Zaluzianskya capensis or Cape phlox (with vanilla tones, but not edible!).

The baskets could have trailing nasturtiums, which are sweet, as are some petunias (mostly purple or violet ones). Sweet alyssum, particularly the larger white varieties, give off a strong honey scent.

In the tubs, preferably in part shade,you could grow daphnes—these shrubs are glorious shows with potent scents, but don't last long. Cheap and cheerful are well-perfumed honeysuckles, especially Lonicera etrusca. They don't love tubs but will survive. So will the glorious old red rose Etoile de Hollande—it may sulk, but it'll still smell gorgeous.

>> Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time.

JOBS FOR March

Don't delay—cut the grass, ex-ter-min-ate every weed and add mulches everywhere possible! Only then should you hurry to finish the pruning and get any hardy herbaceous plants, fruit trees, bushes and shrubs planted (though evergreens might wait a bit longer). And before the spring rains dry up, get more water butts fitted.

Spring is almost here, but morningfrosts can still be a nuisance for pot plants. Stephanie Trotter from Claygate, Surrey, offers this advice. "Early in the morning, wateryour pot plants with tepid or even warm water. The frost dries them out, which is why they often die. You may have to pour in quite a bit to thaw out the soil, but doing it early in the day means that the plants have plenty of time to take water in before it gets cold again overnight."

Email your gardening tips and ideas—with photos, if possible—to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay £50 if we use them on this page.

The mole can shift its own body weight of earth in just one minute. At that rate, I could dig an entire pond in under three!

March is the mole's breeding season. Usually solitary, moles must first overcome their natural distaste for company, so the male digs new tunnels to find a female. If all goes well, she'll then build an

Baby moles

underground nest in which to give birth. This entails trips above ground to get bedding (very dangerous, as predators such as foxes and

VELVET UNDERGROUND

buzzards may be waiting).

All sorts of oddities have been found in moles' nests, including cigarette papers, fertiliser bags and even fishand-chip wrappers. The mole gives birth to three or four tiny (3.5 grams) truly ugly, pink babies. She'll be an attentive mum, but once they're weaned she won't have her babies in her tunnels and will drive them out.

OUTDOORS

YOU DIRTY LOUSE

The first swallows will soon appear, the sky ringing with their cheerful cries—I can't wait! Swallows often use the same nest year after year, but the old one may contain a nasty surprise—the louse fly. Having lain dormant in the swallow's nest all winter, the pupae of the louse fly hatch to coincide with the birth of swallow chicks. Then this frankly hideouslooking blood-sucking fly crawls on board (its feet are like grappling irons) to infest a new generation. To a swallow, the louse fly is shockingly big. If you work out the

O > diameter crabs clinging to us. Ugh! relative sizes, it would be like walking about with three-inch

•

I WANDERED LONELY AS A...

...tiny lesser celandine,

a- which was Wordsworth's

2- favourite flower—not the

• daffodil. It's like a small buttercup, but with eight to 12 thin, golden leaves.

1-

Wordsworth wrote three

• poems about it, which is why locals wanted to carve g the flower on his monument in the 0-

Lake District.

LU

II, (Unfortunately, they got confused EI and carved the greater

• celandine instead.)

• But why did Wordsworth S like the lesser celandine so

much? Probably the same reason I do—it's one of the EI very first wild flowers to appear in spring, a sudden splash of gold against fresh o green, a rare delight after

Wildlife atch

Swallows? Moles? That means it's spring says Martin Hughes-Games

the faded browns of winter. "Celandine" comes from the Latin meaning "pertaining to the swallow" and it was supposed to flower as the swallows arrived (although in fact celandines appear early in March and the first swallows won't arrive until the end of the month). Keep an eye out for these spots of gold in the hedgerow. •

Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumnwatch

My holiday ever*

Pauline

Rodger travelled around

the Golden State and found the natives as welcoming as the weather

After arriving in San Franciscowith my friend Tracy to visit our pal Stephen, the first thing we did was hire bikes and tour the Golden Gate Park and shoreline to get a feel for the city. Next day was my long-anticipated visit to former hippy district Haight-Ashbury. I drank peppermint tea in one of the gloriously painted cafes and wished myself back in the Sixties.

Then we travelled further south, visiting Monterey

California Vacations offers Northern California, a 14-night fly-drive option at £1,645pp, which includes all accommodation, return flights and car hire (01582 469777').

(pictured below, with me on the left), setting for the Steinbeck novel Cannery Row, and Carmel where we had lunch in the Hog's Breath Inn, the restaurant

once owned by Clint Eastwood, and wandered round the art galleries. We finished with a visit to the monastery, where a wedding was taking place. The father of the bride actually invited us to the reception!

The friendliness of the people living here amazed me. Even the local Hell's Angels gave us directions. So when they say "Have a nice day", I believe they genuinely mean it.

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page, we'll payyou £75. See address on page 6. si44, 11/4

Edited by Kate Pettifer

GREAT ESCAPES

FIRST BLOOM

Cherry blossom season is in full swing in Japan in March and April, and with a small group tour, such as the Japan Unmasked itinerary from Inside Japan Tours, you'll have the chance to seethe country at its most gorgeous. Highlights include Tokyo, a temple stay in the mountains, historic Kanazawa and Hiroshima. The best bit? At £1,600 for 13 days, this trip is a total steal and runs until November. Flights start from around £500 return (0117314 4620*).

example, celebrates the end of the sugar-cane season and starts on July 2.

Lovely day for a GUINNESS

Try Tropical Sky for carnival experiences, such as 11 nights all-inclusive at Grand Pineapple Beach in Antigua to coincide with the carnival starting on July 23 (£1,499, including return flights from Gatwick; 0844 332 9349*).

MINE'S A GUINNESS

Let Saint Patrick's Day inspire you to

TIME TO PA-A-RTY

Carnival season falls at the beginning of March thisyear so, unless you're quick, it might be too late to jet over for Mardi Gras, but many Caribbean islands have summer festivals, too. Barbados's Crop Over, for

explore Ireland. Imagine Ireland has more than 1,500 self-catering properties from Tyrone to Tipperary, from £270 per week (01756 703191*). For wanderers, Leisure Breaks offers Go

As You Please sail-drive packages, from £165 for two nights, with vouchers that letyou stay at 1,000 homes countrywide (01246 221753*). And for city types, Ebookers* has Dublin breaks from £121 (subject to availability), including flights and two nights' b&b at the Castle Hotel. Cheers!

EBSITE of the month

We've been canvassing (ahem) opinion on the best camping websites, and award-winning Pitchup.com stands out from the crowd. With around 5,000 campsites listed across the UK and Ireland, it allows you to search by region and preference (eg, caravan hire, tent pitch, dog-friendly, "glamping", etc). Don't miss the useful sidebars detailing nearest pubs, National Trust sites, cycle routes and places of interest. •

DISCOVER.

SHARE.

THE RD CHALLENGE

Welcome to another taxing round of mental. ping-pong, brought to you by the high-IQ society Mensa. See how many you can do in 20 minutes!

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Answer to February's question Winery, honest, linear, panels, genets and finest

This month's winner: Sheila Gorman from Dumfries

1. In the box provided, place a five-letter word that can be attached to the end of the given words. What is the word?

MINE IN CORN MID BATTLE AIR

2. What do the following words have in common?

FLOUR THRONE MADE CYMBAL CHEQUE SUITE

3. What numbers should replace the question marks in the fourth triangle?

4. Find words to fit the given clues. Each group of crosses should be replaced with the same three-letter word. What are the words? ___xxx_ A target sport _xxx__ A winged angel x x x Assemble

5. What letter should replace the question mark?

PRIZE QUESTION

Send us the answer to this question—the first correct one we pick on March 1 wins £50!* Email excerpts @readersdigest.co.uk The answer will be published in the April issue 1 3 4 2 5

MARCH'S BOOKS

A N Wilson finds love, death and dirty nappies in the pick of this month's new titles

KING OF THE BADGERS

by

Philip Hensher (Fourth Estate, £18.99)

Philip Hensher goes from strength to strength as a novelist. His latest book is a big, old-fashioned chronicle of a Devon estuary town—the incomers, the locals, the gays, the secretly gay apparently happily married man, the possibly abducted child of a local woman...

In the broadest sense the result is a comedy that sympathises with a wide range of characters and never neglects the duty of fiction to be entertaining. But it's also a superb "way we live now" chronicle. What more can you ask of a novelist? And how many British writers are working on this scale, or with this degree of panache?

THE PILE OF STUFF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS

by

Christina Hopkinson (Hodder & Stoughton, £12.99)

This is a comedy to which half of the human race will respond rapturously. By that, I don't mean women, but those people whose home lives revolve around pointless domestic anger about, say, who does the washing-up, or who changes the two-year-old's stinky nappy. Certainly, the book vividly evokes the impotent rage of such messy households, as well as the

AT THE

PHILIP BOTTOM OF HENSHER THE STAIRS

JOYCE CAROL

0 AT E S

A Widow's Story

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° IMON CHESTER

frayed relationship between the married pair, Mary and Joel—although, for me, it's a little too vivid to be funny.

On the other hand, the half of the human race who thinks life's too short not to rise above this sort of thing might wonder what all the fuss is about.

A WIDOW'S STORY

by Joyce Carol Oates (Fourth Estate, £20)

Joyce Carol Oates, one of America's most prolific novelists, was married to Ray Smith (first a professor, then a publisher) for nearly half a century. When he went into hospital with pneumonia, they thought he'd be fine in a couple of days. Within a week he was dead. This raw, rambling book is a chronicle of her grief: combining dreams, memories of their life

together, letters from friends—and more practical stuff, too, such as the account of choosing a plot for his grave. Without bereavement, we take it for granted that we'll use up the day and sleep at night. Oates is merciless in her depiction of the difficulty of getting through the night without drugs and, having woken, of getting through another day until it's time for the next sleeping pill. Her powerfully sad book will help those who have been down this unhappy road, and provide useful signposts for those who await the (inevitable) experience.

THE ALICE BEHIND WONDERLAND

by Simon Winchester (Oxford University Press, £9.99)

RD BOOK CLUB WITH JAMES WALTON

Each month, James Walton —RD books editor and presenter of Radio 4's book quiz The Write Stuff—invites you to read our recommended paperback and let us have your comments and marks out of ten. Our professional critic A N Wilson then reads the same book and James reports on how your views compare.

MARCH'S CHOICE

With OneDay David Nicholls has achieved the dream of authors everywhere: to have a word-of-mouth hit so huge that these days every train carriage in the land contains at least one person reading his book. But would the "will-they-won't they?" tale of Dexter and Emma—as it unfolds on July is of everyyear from 1988 onwards—have the same irresistible

%... effect on RD Book Club members?

his name by emphasisingthe last

This is a very readable short account of Charles Dodgson's friendship with Alice Liddell, his love of photography—and his creation, under the pen name Lewis Carroll, of the two immortal stories of which she is the fantastical heroine. The story is told in breezy style, but not without several howlers: all the more surprising, given that it's published by Dodgson's university's press. On one page, we're told that Alice's syllable; on another, that it rhymed with fiddle. (The latter is true.) Those who know about Thomas Gaisford—Liddell's predecessor as dean of Christchurch college—will also smile at Winchester's reference to a "retiring" character. Still, at least Winchester is sane about Dodgson's supposed paedophile tendencies.

Cover star

Samantha Womack's • THE VERDICT favourite book "has got to be"Khaled Hosseini's . to accuse Book Club members

Of course, nobody would want

The Kite Runner: "I never wanted it of being snooty. Even so, it's father, Dean Liddell, pronounced to end" clear that a fair few of you had to

conqueryour prejudices about "romcoms" in order to read the novel.

"This is not normally the kind of book I'd choose to read," wrote Allan Russell firmly—but, as it turned out, he found the result "funny, absorbing, perceptive and thoroughly enjoyable".

And on the whole, it was this sense of sheer enjoyment that came across most mr.

strongly—with virtually all of you laughing at the funny bits, being moved by the sad ones and relishing the precision of the cultural references as the decades pass.

Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway in the forthcoming film of One Day

Two other, more specific, reactions were also widely shared. The first was best summed up by Carole Balfe of Lincolnshire who wrote that "I've never been so happy to see two people finally get together—and,yes, there was a strange hallucinatory feeling that they were my closest friends." The other was a melancholy sense of how quickly time passes and youthful idealism disappears.

Happily, none of this received any arguments from A N Wilson who, to reduce his enthusiasm to a pithy two words, found the whole thing"entirely successful". No wonder that both he and you ended up giving One Day 9/1o.

Our Critic of the Month is Sam Michell of London, who wins the £100 in book tokens for this neat summary of the novel's appeal: "The two characters are so believable, so familiar, that everyone who reads this book will either feel they know an Emma and Dexter, or are an Emma and Dexter. Yet this is not some mawkish romcom: Nicholls' world is so well observed, his writing so sharp, that you'll read parts of the book thinking, Really? Other people think that, too? I thought it was just me.

"Thanks to this, the book is genuinely, laugh-out-loud funny. And for anyone who spent any of their youth in the late Eighties or Nineties it will be particularly —if at times excruciatingly—entertaining.

All in all, the only downside of reading One Day is the certain knowledge that at some pointyou'll finish it."

COMING UP

April

For more book reviews and to add comments of your own, please go to readersdigest.co.uk/ magazine

The Mighty Walzer (Vintage, £8.99) by Howard Jacobson BUT THEN... April will be the last RD Book Club for now. The good news is that this is to make room, from May onwards, for even more books coverage in an exciting new section. Apologies to any of you who have been swotting up your Ian McEwan for the May Book Club.

But, if you're quick, it's still not

too late to be April's Critic of the Month: the deadline for TheMighty Walzer is March i5. As ever, marks out of ten and comments and reviews of all kinds are welcome. Write to RD Book Club, Reader's Digest, 157 Edgware Road, London W2 2HR, or email bookclub@ readersdigest. co.uk.

In return, we'll give £ioo in book tokens to the Critic of the Month and publish their verdict—in edited form—here. Happy reading!

BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Daisy Waugh is a Sunday Times columnist and has just published her seventh novel, Last Dance with Valentino—for which she spent 14 years immersing herself in the life of Rudolph Valentino, the first-ever screen idol. She and her family live in London.

J1LLY COOPER

OCTAVIA

by Jilly Cooper

When I was a teenager living in a cold house in Somerset, Octavia gave me a glimpse of the dizzy allure of London—nightlife, wall-to-wall carpets, suntanned people wearing sexy clothes. There's a scene where Octavia dances in a nightclub, while men go weak at the knees, and I remember thinking it doesn't get any more glamorous than that. I longed for it and must have read the book zo times. I did go on to live a more cosmopolitan life than the country offered, and there were often times when I wondered, "Have I caught up with Octavia yet?" I don't know a woman who doesn't love Jilly Cooper— she's in a class of her own.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES

by Charles Dickens

I read this classic while I was teaching in a village in Kenya. I was incredibly lonely and found myself being moved to tears

of gratitude to Dickens for providing me with a means of escape. I have a very clear memory of sitting outside, sobbing, as Sydney Carton sacrifices himself and goes to the guillotine, while all the time a builder working on a house opposite moved very slowly in the intense African heat. I don't read Dickens so much any more—I feel in too much of a hurry. I hope that, in a few years when my pace of life has slowed, I'll have the time to enjoy his books again.

ADVENTURES ,/:,

ADVENTURES OF A HOLLYWOOD SECRETARY edited and annotated by Cari Beauchamp

I'd already written a lot ofLast Dance with Valentino when I came across these letters sent by Valeria Belletti, a secretary working in Hollywood in the 1920s, to her best friend in New York. I've never felt such a weird and exhilarating thrill because it was like stepping into agenuine version of my own fictional heroine, who had existed so large and for so long in my head. Suddenly here she was for real! And yet I'd already created her myself...it made me feel almost god-like. It was the most intensely moving experience, like getting a spy's view of the world I had been obsessed with for myears. • As told to Caroline Hutton

HOLLYWOOD SECRFIAP

HURRY! CLOSES MIDNIGHT

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...who solves the puzzle here by Midnight Thursday 17th of March!"

To promote and introduce Spencer and Mayfair Jewellery to the public we are delighted to have secured a consignment of Genuine 1.85-Carat Sapphire stones, set within an elegant pendant with chain.

These substantial precious stones, dispatched in a luxurious dark blue satin pouch are available to all callers who register a correct answer to the puzzle shown here, by Midnight Thursday 17th of March. It really is that simple!

It seemed fitting that we awarded our 1.85-Carat Sapphire pendants to those with an ability to solve our Jewellery wordsearch. But strictly one entry per person please.

Should you solve the puzzle then call the number shown straight away. We will tell you whether you have the correct answers and are successful!

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•Genuine Precious 1.85-carat sapphire!

• Hurry: opportunity ends Midnight, Thursday 17th of March!

• We apologise to any readers who were unable to respond before the promotion deadline.

Simply identify which TWO words below are MISSING from the grid. There is one missing word in each list.

LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE!

I asked the lady in W H Smithif they had the book How to Deal with Difficult People.She spat in my face and told me to find it myself.

Comedian Matt Rudge

I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong all the time. What's it called? Oh yes —the news!

Max Cooper, Cheshunt, Hertfordshire

nt It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto,"My enemy's enemy is my friend."

Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So I have

The

"You're perfect for this job, Perkins. You're unflappable"

to invite him to barbecues.

Comedian Richard Herring Richard's show Christ on a Bike is touring until May 21

IN The doctor said my hernia is in my "super pubis region".I told her my whole pubis region is super. She didn't laugh.

Comedian Michael

Ian Black

II I've just renamed my Wi-Fi network"Police Surveillance Van Number Two". That should keep

my internet-thieving neighbours on their toes for a while.

Seen on the internet

If you steal an inflatable mattress, my advice is to lilo.

Melvyn Dover, Weymouth

IA Big girls don't cry? Such a load of rubbish. They cry because they're fat, because they can't get a boyfriend and because there's no trifle left.

Comedian Sarah Millican

instructions on my microwave meal say stir and recover. How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

Comedian Gary Delaney, by Twitter

A bad simile is like a lighthouse with no muesli

Comedian Peter Serafinowicz, by Twitter

People would shout, "Go back to where you came from!" But I'm half Irish, half Iranian. The mid-point between the two is the Caspian

Sea. I suppose I could have become a pirate. Comedian Patrick Monahan, on growing up in Teesside

I've just upgraded to Sky HD and I have to say I'm impressed. The sentence "No satellite signal is being received" has never been so colourful and clear. Seen on the internet

!just had a water bill for £175 drop on my doormat.That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just Ez a month. Time to change supplier, I think! Richard Miles, Orpington, Kent

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, CHAPS

Think you've got the refinements and style of an old-school English gent? Gustav Temple's guidebook Am I a Chap? (Beautiful Books, £10.99)—out this month—lays out what it takes to qualify as each class of fellow, from cad to codger.

The Country Squire: Doggedly holds on to his tenuous position in the local village (which his grandfather owned). He now rarely makes it to the village shop without being mugged.

The Dandy: Dandies do not travel well, as a creased neckerchief during transit is likely to spoil any holiday. In the summer, they may move to a slightly cooler part of the house, but generally prefer not to depart from their chosen postcode.

The Old Codger:He usually favours some form of facial hair and relies on his tailor to disguise his burgeoning embonpoint. His wardrobe contains row upon row of tweed suits and Tattersall check shirts.

The City Gent: He used to be the bastion of Britain, sortingthe nation's finances out duringthe week, then shooting pheasant at weekends. These days, the city gent has moved rather swiftly to being the country's favourite pariah and is forced to wear his beloved pinstriped suits and bowlers only at night, to avoid being stoned in the street.

The Libertine: The libertine gets all his sustenance from wine, laudanum and the occasional glass of blood (on Sundays and special occasions).

LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE!

''' ***** • .•• ** .•••"

./ Cover star Samantha •••.. Womack's favourite joke: •••

• This guy I met told me • he was walking down the street the other day when someone threw cheese, cream and a pint of milk •••.. over his head. I said, ...* •••... "How dairy!" ....** "• .............

After staying at a London hotel overnight, a guest was presented with a bill for £250, which

she felt was extortionate.

She asked for the manager, who said it was a standard charge. He added that the hotel had a swimming pool, in-house entertainment and Wi-Fi. When she complained that she had used none of these, the manager remarked that they were available and she could have.

The woman took out her purse and paid him £50, saying that she

"DON'TQUOTE MEONTHAT"

Creative use of punctuation can add humour to any piece of text. The unnecessary quotes blog celebrates the inadvertent ironies produced by quotation-mark abuse.

was deducting £200 for him sleeping with her overnight.

"I certainly did not," blurted the manager.

"Well, I was available and you could have," she retorted.

Bob Croucher, Cambridge

Had a long chat with an estate agent todayand afterwards, I felt quite moved.

Comedian Colin Owens

1."Do Not Climb on Toads"

2."Non-Service Animals Prohibited"

3."Use Of The Water Feature If Ill With A Contagious Diseaseis Prohibited" 4."Do Not Drink Water From The Water Feature"

5."Use Of The Water Feature When HI With Diarrhea is Prohibited."

I'll never forget what my dad used to say to me when I was a kid.He'd say, "Son, when you grow up, never quote me."

Why do rich people talk so loudly? Is it because they have bigger rooms?

When I was a kid and adults asked me what I wanted to be when I'm older,I used to say, "Younger."

My doctor says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that.

Callum McVie, Perth, Scotland

"Bring Your Child to Work" days must be most disappointingfor the children of teachers.

Comedian Tony Cowards

Tonight's show is about doubt... Or maybe it isn't

Comedian Bill Bailey

"Oh my god! It's the woman of my dreams!"

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WOULDYOU SPARE10MINUTES TOPREVENTA STROKE?

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BEAT THE CARTOON!

WIN £200 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the comedy experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-March alongside an anonymous caption c le+,^ from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite, and if your entry gets the most votes,you'll receive £200 and the original, signed drawing. Submit your captions to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 6 by March 10. You can also enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/ caption. We'll announce the winner in our May issue.

JANUARY'S WINNER

Like a brave Gaul rising up against his Roman overlords, cartoonist Simon Meyrick Jones struck a spirited blow for the scribblers this month. His caption, "Those poor Christians. Did no one think of doing a risk assessment?" won by a fairly comfortable margin.

SCOREBOARD READERS 15 CARTOONISTS 9

See43 13 nist" theCorot e rybu s511reviFe

f ar 1511611/1 • (April 1511611/1

Enjoy taking on the comedy experts? It's even better in the flesh! We'll be hosting a live version of "Best the Cartoonist" in the square from 11am to 4pm on April 15 and 16—it's a great chance to meet some of our cartoonists and theReader's Digest team face to face. Hope to see you there!

38.61mm Metal:

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he announcement that the nation has been anticipating for years has finally arrived. To the joy of the nation, Clarence House announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton will wed on 29 April 2011 at Westminster Abbey and now we can all look forward to what will be the most anticipated Royal Wedding for a generation.

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Remember, the new Royal Engagement Gold Plated Photographic Coin can be yours for the introductory price of just £9.99 (+p&p) — a £30.00 SAVING on the normal issue price. However, due to the expected demand we have had to limit availability to three per household. To secure yours today either complete and return the Order Form opposite or call us 24 hours a day, seven days a week on 08448 26 20 26 or order securely online at www.westminsterorders.com. e

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