Reader's Digest UK Jul 2010

WHAT YOUR WAITER'S REALLY THINKING p120

Readers Angus

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on

on butch girlfriends, George Best and fouling Maradona

Treatments your doctor won't tell you about Deepcut The next chapter starts here Coach and uncle Toni on Rafael Nadal: "He wasn't the sort of kid you needed to tell something to twice"

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A small change to your hair en makes a big change to your head. easY OF USERS SURVEYED WOULD RECOMMEND IT 95% FOR BEAUTIFUL NATURAL LOOKING COLOUR.

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STORIES FEATURED ON THE COVER ARE SHOWN IN RED

Features

Contents FRONT COVER: RAFAEL NADAL PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINNA MUSCHI/REUTERS/ACTION IMAGES

BEAUTIFUL, DEADLY AND COMING SOON TO AN OCEAN NEAR YOU...

PAGE 56

Smash Hit? Isyour child the next Andy Murray or Rafael Nadal? Here's what to do with a budding hotshot The Bug Busters How food detectives tracked down a mysterious infection I Remember Angus Deayton on novelty records, travelling around Africa and the sheer pleasure of fouling Maradona

71

What Really Happened at Deepcut?

Fifteen years ago fouryoung students were found dead at an army barracks.

Brian Cathcart investigates.

Loaded! What's the most inventive use of two wheels? Just ask these Vietnamese bikers

Red Alert Meet the lionfish—a tropical beauty that's now wreaking havoc in the Atlantic

John McDowall's Battle One of Britain's top terrorist experts faces a personal struggle—with his own body

40 Years On Monica Porter came to Britain aged 18. How have things changed since she arrived?

Body Talk How a new way of reading body movements could affect your career prospects or relationship

The Hidden Secrets of Britain's Houses How to spot the architectural details that reveal your home's history

The 9 Times I Nearly Died Adventurer Benedict Allen shares his tales of dodging death

Why Can't You Get the Treatment You Need? The most cutting-edge medicine could be out of your reach

A Reader's Story My face was smashed, says Emily Holden, but a wonderful charitygave me back my confidence

Reader's Digest the World's Biggest Magazine PUBLISHED IN 50 EDITIONS IN 21 LANGUAG E CUER.COM

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Your Letters It's July, and it's time to...

The Power of One No, Really!

Word Power Fast Facts and Quotes Not lf, But When Instant Expert If I Ruled the World: Camila Batmanghelidjh

Welcome At school, we played tennis exactly four times ayear, in the summer term. And that was that. I was a dismal player. No matter how hard I batted my old "superlite Junior" racquet, the ball barely even reached the

Regulars at the back

net, let alone went over it.

116 1,001 Things 122 Health Tips 124 Doctor on the Ward 128 Beauty 130 Money 134 Food Marco Pierre White 136 Drink 138 Gardening 140 Wildlife Watch 142 Travel 144 The RD Challenge 146 Books Plus our Book Club' 149 Books That Changed My Life Scott Quinnell 150 Laughter, the Best Medicine 159 Beat the Cartoonist

game—only to find that my useless swipes

.-- Reader's

LAges

Years later, I reluctantly agreed to play a had been transformed into winning aces, hit with such power that they practically landed in another postcode. The difference?

I was playing with atop-quality racquet.

If only I'd played with one sooner—that Wimbledon trophy could have been mine!

How many kids have got the potential to be a great player but are never given the chance to find out? On p34, we ask some of the biggest names in tennis how to spot —and, crucially, encourage—a rising star.

Gill Hudson theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk twitter.com/rdigest

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Writers "Tennis parents have taken some bad raps over the way they've handled their talented offspring," says Richard Evans, who's been writing about tennis since the days of Rod Laver in the 1960s. "You get an idea of the do's and don'ts by talkingto Toni Nadal and Richard Williams."

Page 34 "When I arrived in Britain 40 years ago I fell in love with it and promised myself I'd never leave," says Londonbased journalist Monica Porter. "I kept that promise, but it saddens me that we seem to have lost the very Britishness that drew me here in the first place."

Page 62 Brian Cathcart is a freelance writer and professor of journalism at Kingston University in London. He has been reporting on the deaths at Deepcut army training barracks since 2003—and actually figured as a character in the successful Page 78 play Deep Cut by Philip Ralph.

"A fan told me I was like a cat who's used up six of his nine lives," says serial adventurer Benedict Allen. "It made me wonder how manytimes I really had died—I think it's more like nine times, give or take the odd mishap. But in the end, it's all about how many times we've lived."

Page 104 6

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YOUR OPINIONS LETTER OF THE MONTH

HOW TO PAINT LIKE VAN GOGH

Artistic license It was marvellous reading about the attempts to replicate the styles of great painters in "How to Paint Like Van Gogh in One Hour", as this is exactly what my grandfather Peter Garbett has done with John Constable's The Hay

IN ONE OUR

Wain (right). It was a tricky task— the sky was the most challenging part, taking nine days to perfect.

Mygrandfather, now 79 (pictured inset), has always been a master craftsman, particularly of carving of all kinds. He only started painting about 16 months ago, but in that time he's already produced 43 works and seems to be getting better and better. And although he hasn't exhibited yet, I'm sure he'd love to—he's rightly proud of his paintings, and so are we.

R P Chadwick,

Goodbye to the old It's obvious that our political system needs an overhaul ("Vote for Change?"), but how do we achieve it? Here are a few ideas.

There should be fixed-term parliaments so prime ministers can't mess around with dates. Politicians should live in their constituencies so they have experience of the area they represent. Most importantly, there should be a form of proportional

representation so that every vote counts.

I would add that if MPs want our votes, they should be prepared to work together for the good of the country.

Pam Andrews, Seaford, East Sussex

Divine drives My son's future in-laws are due to stay with us for five weeks during the summer, and I've been agonising over how best to entertain them. Then I came across "Britain's Most Scenic Drives" and my task became much easier!

I'm told they live in the most beautiful part of New Zealand, so this is a great chance to show them the glories of the UK. I'm busily organising a weekly trip to many

Make money by writing in! £50 for the letter of the month, £30 for all others. See page 6 for details.

READER'S DIGEST

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9

of the places suggested, but my husband and I are also keen to try a few of the drives ourselves. Thanks foryour help.

Ginette Hughes, Hertfordshire

Don't boil your head Following Aggie MacKenzie's advice in "10 Hidden Health Hazards", I duly boiled my shower head in water to get rid of any bacteria, which she says is suitable for plastic models. So imagine my irritation when this process completely ruined it— I couldn't screw it back on afterwards, despite only boiling it for five minutes.

I had to purchase a new one and wait for ten days because it's a special model.

I S Oberoi, Tunbridge Wells, Kent

Anyone using a bar of soap to wash their hands is just spreading bacteria I was surprised your article didn't mention one common health hazard—a bar of soap.

This can be a veritable soup of bacteria, especially when sitting near the wet, humid environment of a sink. Anyone using a bar of soap to wash their hands is just spreading bacteria around. This is why hospital sinks have liquid soap dispensers. I stopped using bars when I trained as a nurse, opting instead to buy liquid soap.

Heather Speirs,

RD: Apologies to anyone who's had this problem. Aggie has got back to us with

Not worth their salt

an alternative method—soak the shower head in a solution of half warm water and half bleach for ten minutes and rinse well afterwards.

I've photocopied your Health item "5 Ways to Cut Back on Salt" and pasted it on our food cupboards. I wage a constant battle with my teenage children to limit their salt

Send us your pet photos!

Our relationship with animals is life-affirming, so we mourn deeply when a beloved pet passes away.

This month's photo is courtesy of Elena Francesca Barbiero from London, in loving memory of her late hamster.

"Fudge was with us for two years," she writes. "We miss her loads. She was a little speckle of light, really 10

affectionate and sweet. And although she'd never bite, she loved chomping food. This picture shows her snatching a piece of lettuce to store away for a rainy day."

If you want a photo ofyour pet to be published, send a picture plus details to readers letters@readers digest.co.uk.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

intake. I buy LoSalt myself and mostly cook without it, but my kids now buy a lot of their own food and rarely bother to check the label. This article is a handy reminder.

Jenna Burton,

Friends in need I loved Kevin Harris's advice on neighbourly relations in "It's May, Time to...". For most of the population, including me, neighbours are people you see regularly but don't really know, apart from the occasional friendly comment. But that all changed when a family member died. Casseroles and apple tarts started appearing. Bags of scones were tied to my front door. My overgrown hedge was magically cut. I was bowled over by the kindness shown.

Trust me, take Kevin Harris's advice— neighbours are worth getting to know!

Claire Collins, runty Clare, Ireland

A book to cherish I was pleased to see Anne of Green Gables included in Kirsty Young's "Books That Changed My Life". I read it at the age of nine and, over the years, my sister and I reread it so many times the pages started coming

TELL US YOUR TALES OF MEANNESS

What about a friend or relative who's just plain stingy?

We want to hear about their odd and ingenious methods of saving money—or the lengths they'll go to to avoid opening their wallet.

Email excerpts@readersdigest. co.uk by July 1. Mark your submission "mean" and include your name, address and telephone number. Your submission may feature in a forthcoming article and the best five will win £200.

apart (we'd memorised it by then anyway).

It's nice to see that a book which was so entwined in my childhood had an effect on others. Yasmeen Bahadur, RD: What book changed your life? Let us know by emailing readersletters@ readersdigest.co.uk.

II ft ft ft, f, f, I, l f et ft t f f' t Cl t t Attention please—we want your submissions!

DO YOU HAVE A TASTY RECIPE? Maybe a quirky gardening or beauty tip? Or perhaps some health advice? If so, we want to hear from you.

We welcome reader contributions to all our regular columns. It's a great chance to see your name in print—and earn some money in the process. We pay £50 for all published submissions to Health, Beauty, Food, Drink, Gardening and Wildlife Watch (see p6 for details of more familiar contributions).

Drop us an email at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk.

11

GIVE MORE, GIVE CARTE D'OR.

CARTE D'OR MASCARPON E. SMOOTH MASCARPONE FLAVOUR ICE CREAM SWIRLED WITH RED BERRY SAUCE AND TOPPED WITH DELICIOUS PISTACHIO PIECES. N'11,4 CAIti

DI SN EY/ PIXAR

...SEE Toy Story 3 (3D) The latest instalment of the animation series sees Buzz, Woody and the gang relocated to a nursery when their owner Andy goes to college. Aside from multidimensional clever bits and top gags, highlights include a Ken doll—played by Michael Keaton —who's never met a Barbie before and protests loudly when told he's "a girl's toy".

Deliciously warped US magicians Penn & Teller perform their first UK shows in 16 years at the Hammersmith Apollo, London, July 14-18.

Previous stunts by the five-time Las Vegas Magicians of the Year include gleefully firing nails into their heads and running each other over with a juggernaut.

13

MIIM TIME TO...

...SNAP

...LISTEN

the perfect action photo Guardian staffer Tom Jenkins won four Press

Radio 2's Stuart Maconie's pick of the recent music releases

a new PPY book and exhibition, along with 2010's winners, at London's Lyttleton theatre. Here are his tips for top action images: Ensure the background is reasonably uncluttered

Butterfly House by The Coral Think The Swinging Blue Jeans relocated to Laurel Canyon. The Coral may be the most underrated band in Britain. Perhaps it's the Hoylake Scally stoner image, but through the fug of aromatic cigarette smoke is a band who produce music that's often as mysterious and romantic as they are brusquely laddish. Here, they've hooked up with producer John Leckie (Radiohead, The Stone Roses) and added a gorgeous West Coast harmony dimension to their Liverpudlian psychedelic sound.

My Voice &45 Strings by The Lucinda

so the attention is on your subject.

Anticipate. Monitor a key player or stay in a key position (such as a tight bend on a race track).

Is someone in a protest march, say, looking cross?

Keepyour eye on them.

Use inventive angles.

A shot from below can make someone jumping look dramatic, for example.

A shutter speed of SOOth of a second or less is essential for clear images.

14

Belle Orchestra Think jazz pop/classical harp crossover. Yes, that old chestnut.

There's such a glut of girls in British pop these days that it may seem you need a gimmick to get noticed. What could be better than the beautiful and cumbersome piece of rococo sculpture that is the classical harp? Ms Belle's easy-on-the-ear material is rooted in the sonic loveliness of those 45 strings.

The Rise and Fall by Madness Think if Flanagan and Allen had grown up with punk. A reissue of the album that took Madness from Nutty Boys to national institution. "Driving in My Car" is a Billy Smart's Circus romp, "Tomorrow's Just Another Day" shows that melancholy was never far from their most upbeat moments, and "Our House" has a tune that will live for ever.

TOM JENKIN S; LEBRECHT MUSIC & ARTS PHO TO L IBRARY/ALAMY

Photographer's Year (PPY) awards for his 2009 sports portfolio. It features in

•

...CLIMB our three most famous mountains in 24 hours

...PUZZLE at the Rubik's Slide It drove a generation of 1980s nerdy kids slightly mental with its cube. Now Rubik is celebrating the 30th birthday of its 300-million seller with a digital, and no doubt equally evil, younger brother.

The Rubik's Slide has one face, rather than six, which you twist and turn to try to align a series of coloured lights.

Summer is the high-point for attempts on what has become a national walking cult: the Three Peaks Challenge. Every year an estimated 15,000 hikers try to < scale the biggest hills in England, Scotland and Wales 2 (Scafell Pike, Ben Nevis and Snowdon) in less than a day—with some helpful soul driving them around. Some 30 group events take place, raising £2 million for charity, .7', but numerous private groups now tackle the event for • fun. If you really want to push yourself, join the elite bands who sail or cycle from mountain to mountain.

...MIX WITH BRITAIN'S BEST BARMAN Cocktail maestros from around the globe descend on Athens, July 12-15,for the Diageo Reserve World Class Bartender of the Year.

Celebrate with last year's finalist and UK champion Ryan Chetiyawardana's cocktail "The Prelude": RICHARD ALLEN/ALAMY

Ingredients: Ten cumin seeds 50mITanqueray No 10 gin 20mILillet Blanc vermouth 25ml fresh orange juice 15m1 apricot brandy liqueur 3 basil leaves; egg white Mix all in shaker. Add ice.

Shake again. Strain.

15

1111.111M TIME TO... ...READ C-1

West End Girls, Barbara Tate (Orion, £12.99) Backstreet prostitutes are not often

the subject of heart-warming tales,yet Tate's account of her time as "a maid" to a 1940s Soho tart is warm and affecting. An art-school dropout, Tate took on her lucrative role (a combination of bodyguard and cleaner) at 21 because it paid better than bar work. Her new boss Faye was seedy and self-destructive,yet glamorous and funny. As Tate found, it's hard not to get rather fond of her, despite her alarming work rate (72 men in one day). Tate later became president of the Society of Women Artists. Faye fared less well...

After You, Natascha McElhone (Viking, £12.99) The Truman Show actress had an enviably happy life with her plastic-surgeon husband Martin—until he was found dead

• Edinburgh Nocturne.

A mini Le Mans for cyclists.

Competitors ride through the Scottish capital's streets at night. (July 3, edinburgh nocturne.com) • The Mayfair Tower Race. A run around the Serpentine lake in London's Hyde Park, then up 28 flights to the top of the Hilton hotel. (July 7, mayfairpark and towerrace.com) • Rat Race, Edinburgh.

Another charge around the historic city, but this time competitors cycle, climb over buildings and kayak along the waterways where necessary. (July 17-18, ratraceadventure.com) 16

from a heart attack on the steps of their London home, aged 42 in May 2008. In the weeks that followed, McElhone wrote letters to him, collected here, detailing both the mundane and deeply moving aspects of her adjustment to a new life (not least the birth of their third child, whom she was expecting when Martin passed away).

Neither of the books above will make terribly suitable reading for any small children in your life. But fear not, as libraries across Britain are participating in Space Hop, an initiative to get 725,000 four-to 11-year-olds to read six or more books over the school holidays.

Rewards include suitably intergalactic-themed medals. See spacehop. org.uk for more details.

Natascha McElhone >

MICHAEL W ILLIAMS/ LFI

...RACE in peculiar ways e The Blue Mile, Plymouth, Devon. Starting at the historic Mayflower Steps, entrants sail, swim or even surf one mile around the harbour (below).

(July 3-4, thebluemile.org)

Make a Difference

Clean beaches

WHAT I'M DOING RD reader Sarah Samuels, fine art dealer, 63.

Watching Five News.

With my job, I have little time for TV, but I always watch the news. Oh, and my son Jonathan is chief correspondent, so I need to check his tie is straight.

Planning a summer holiday in Britain this year? Your staycation could turn into a nightmare as you sunbathe by sweet wrappers or swim through a sea of cigarette butts.

According to the Marine Conservation Society (MCS), the rubbish on our beaches has increased by more than 70 per cent in the past 15 years—on average, you'll find a piece of rubbish for every step you take on the sand. Dropped litter and items flushed down the toilet are the two biggest culprits.

Rubbish isn't just an ugly mess. Thousands of mammals, seabirds and fish are injured when they become entangled in litter, or die as a result of eating it.

ListeningJust Julie, audiobook by Julie Goodyear (Bet Lynch in Coronation Street). A plain speaking account of her colourful-but-hard life.

Reading Depressive

B RENTONWES T/ ALAMY

Illness: The Curse of

the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher. Explains that depression is a physical illness from which one can recover. Inspiring.

Online sarah samuels.com. I use the internet for business rather than pleasure!

So, how do you spruce up the shoreline?

Start by... Thinking before you flush. Items like cotton buds and razors sent down the loo can escape from sewage systems and end up in the sea. Use the bin instead.

Then you can... Join one of the regular beach clean-ups around the country to help pick up rubbish and complete a survey, which gives vital information for tackling marine pollution. The MCS has more details (mcsuk.org). When you find a clean beach, let other people know. Beach managers get awards for doing a good job. Boycotting messy beaches encourages others to clean up their act.

Taking it further... Post rubbish back to food companies and manufacturers so theytake the problem seriously.

Surfers Against Sewage's "Return to Offender" initiative traces mystery polluters if you send them a photo of any unusual or unidentifiable rubbish (sas.org.uk).

Helen Gent 17

r be over of one Room service

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING

boteh has .own open a town's doors to sick iCs Life was good for Luke Tillen.

The owner of the Hotel de la Mer in Torquay was married with a one-year-old son and another on the way. Work was hard, but fulfilling. Then, one evening last March, he watched Channel 4's The Secret Millionaire, in which scrap-metal tycoon Gary Eastman sought out worthy causes to fund in Blackpool. One beneficiary was Donna's Dream House, a holiday home for sick children, set up by the parents of a girl who died of cancer.

"As a new father, I found it gutwrenching," says Luke, 33.1 was in tears."

He decided to give away the odd free holiday at his hotel during quiet periods to families with a seriously ill child or who had suffered bereavement. He contacted the National Alliance of Childhood Cancer Parent Organisations (NACCPO).

So delighted was NACCPO with his offer, 18

Luke's head started buzzing. "I thought, How can I take this further? I contacted other hotels to see if they'd offer holidays.

Then tourist attractions, too."

And so the Torbay Holiday Helpers Network (THHN) was born. A year later, around 100 businesses and hotels have treated some 80 families to free breaks.

The first people to benefit were 16-year-old cancer patient Hannah Jones from Chester, her sister Molly, 14, and parents Steve and Diana. Last summer, they stayed at Luke's hotel, went to the MATEJ BENDZALA; PSCHEMP/WIKIMEDEDIA

malls laea, big impact Maria Macnamara gives dignity to African women There are piles of underwear all over Maria Macnamara's house in Livingston, West Lothian. But don't panic —they're clean. In fact, they are part of a consignment of more than 4,000 pairs of pants and bras she's getting ready to ship to Zimbabwe in a container this month.

More are still coming in. Maria has baskets for donations of smalls at the insurance company where she works, at

theatre, a theme park and a model village and ate in local restaurants— all for nothing. "Hannah was thrilled to bits," says Diane.

While coping with eight-month-old Louis and a busy summer season, Luke is now arranging next month's THHN charity ball. Among the wealthy business guests will be Gary Eastman. "My goal is to spread this nationwide," Luke says. "There's no reason why every holiday destination shouldn't have a network."

Visit thhn.co.uk for details.

local schools, at friends' businesses, in lingerie company Boudiche's two Scottish stores and at a hospital.

"One night I came home and someone had pushed some pants through my letter box," laughs the 40-year-old operations manager.

So why the knicker fetish? Last October, Maria set up Smalls for All, a campaign to collect underwear for women in Africa to enhance their dignity, health and personal safety.

For the past sixyears, she had been visiting the Third World as "a voluntourist", using her holiday leave to work in orphanages and refugee camps. But after a trip to Ethiopia last summer, Maria was nagged by a sense of dissatisfaction. "You > 19

"It's mad, but it's all good." Maria has been sent more than 7,000 pairs of pants

undergarments coming and, in April, she returned to Kenya with another 1,355 items, sharing them out at an orphanage, schools and through a church.

Maria has self-funded her trips and shipping expenses at a cost of more than £1,400—and her eccentric mission isn't without its problems. During a formal work training course, a male colleague remarked, "Remind me to give you your pants. They're in the car." More seriously, a batch of more than i,000 items she sent to aid workers in Ethiopia in March went "missing" in customs. "It was horrible; a real lesson."

Despite this, Maria says she's havingthe colleagues and family askingfor donations. time of her life. "It's mad, but it's all good."

She was amazed at the response. Some Underwear is banal to us, but she 1,500 garments came in and, knows what it means to poor Doyou kno w of this January, Mariatravelled to Africans. "The young girls in inspiring s tories in Kenya, distributingthe clothes Kenya were so happy. They your comm unity? at a camp for displaced were walking around with If so, pleas e email the persons. A blog (smallsforall. pants on their heads!" details tot heeditor@ wordpress.com) and coverage To donate, email maria. readersdig est.co.uk. in the Scottish press kept the macnamara@hotmail.co.uk.

20

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '11:,

DAILYRECORD

go in and do your bit,you flit in and flit out—I wanted to do something more sustainable," she explains.

She remembered an article she had read about Zimbabwe in which a priest revealed that poor women and girls who lacked underwear were more likely to be raped or sexually assaulted. Maria's online research and chats with charity workers bore this out. "In much of Africa, Ifyou have underwear it shows that someone—be it a husband or father—is looking afteryou, so you're less vulnerable," she says. Knickers also help prevent infections and bras boost women's self-confidence.

So Maria dashed off an email to friends,

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YOUR TRUE-LIFE TALES

Our company was conducting free body-massindex check-ups.

When a stout colleague climbed onto the machine, it printed out a slip of paper telling him what his weight-toheight ratio was and what it ought to be.

"What does it say?"

I asked.

"It says I need to increase my height by six inches," he replied.

Sobby Kurian

> When I was working in Japan, I went to the supermarket to buy groceries for a dinner party. None of the meat was labelled in English, so I summoned a shop assistant, pointed at a packet and, in my most promising Japanese accent, said, "Chicken?" while making clucking noises and flapping my arms. The assistant looked terrified and ran away.

I bought the meat out of perplexed embarrassment, but later told my friends what had happened. They pointed out that I'd been acting like demented poultry while repeating the Japanese word for "pervert".

Lorna Bustard, ,r > My five-year-old is loath to go to bed. Recently, when I went to fetch him from the living room, I found him watching sheepdog trials. "Come on, bath time," I said.

"I want to watch the end of the programme," he replied.

"You don't even know what it is."

"I do. Lamb racing."

Ronan Stapleton, Yr., My 86-year-old mother-in-law Betty was worried about a recent natural disaster in Chile. "Those poor people," she said.

"There's been an earthquake off the coast and they're expecting a giant satsuma to arrive any time now!"

Chris Orpwood,

"I find a walk always helps" 22

READER'S DIGEST • JULY Ho

"Actually, I'm a bit surprised you got planning permission"

> At the end of a staff meeting, our headteacher asked us to come up with a date for the forthcoming parents' evening.

"What about February 31?" I asked, somewhat facetiously.

The rest of the staff giggled, but the headmistress just looked confused.

Then the truth dawned on her, "Oh, I get it. It's a Saturday, isn't it?"

Miriam Hartill, Stourport on Severn, Worcestershire READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

III My nephew wouldn't eat his greens, so his mum told him sprouts were fairy cabbages.

This worked well until he started school and came home to announce he wasn't eating them any more.

"Why?" asked his mother.

"Because my friend told me they're not fairy cabbages, they're brothel sprouts."

C Ritchie, Southampton

MY SISTERS MARY AND SUZANNE decided to treat themselves to a meal in an upmarket restaurant. They had just placed their orders when they became aware of the loud tones of the gentleman at the next table haranguing the waiter. Nothing was good enough for him: the soup was too salty, the bread too dry, the service slow and the tablecloth filthy.

The waiter brought him a steak. The man took a mouthful, put down his knife and fork, whipped off his napkin and walked off. My sisters were astonished.

"What a rude man," said Suzanne. "And what a waste of good food. I'm taking it back for the dog."

With that, she walked over to the table, picked up the steak, wrapped it in a paper napkin and plopped it into her handbag.

Just then, the man returned. He'd only been to the toilet.

Beaworthy, Devon 23

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Word power This month, one of the most famous jazz festivals in the world plays out in Montreux, Switzerland. Think your vocabulary swings? Find out by picking the correct definition for the words below—A, B or C.

scat v A: to get a note wrong. B: improvise with sounds imitating

theme. C: group of notes sung to one syllable.

instruments. C: make a stuttering trumpet noise.

B:military tune. C: trumpet.

cornet n A: speaker.

embouchure n

scherzo n A:two

A: way of puttingyour mouth to a mouthpiece.

B:audience criticism.

C:lung power.

contrasting styles in a single song. B: guitar strumming.

C:light, fast composition.

coloratura n A: elaborate vocal melody.

B:violin. C: rough edge of a saxophone note.

MeliSMan A:third curtain call. B: sad musical

bebop n A: 1940s jazz.

B: upbeat rhythm. C: singing that simulates conversation. polytonalityn A: massed-voice singing.

B:use of two or more keys.

C:stodgy sound.

A WORD IS BORN

Snollygoster

z

0

From time to time, the Oxford English Dictionary reintroduces a word that's been lost for years. The most recent example is snollygoster, meaning a shrewd, unprincipled person, particularly a politician. Popular in the 19th century, it fell into disuse, only to reappear in the latest dictionaries after this year's election campaign.

It's thought to come from the American slang word snallygaster, a mythical monster found in Maryland.

Who knows, there might be a few snollygosters still knocking around the Houses of Parliament.

RD RATING Useful? 3/10 Likeable? 7/10

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

side-slip v A: to blow on a mouthpiece.

B:playa half-step up or down from the harmony. C: move from a solo to a duet.

triad n A: aggressive song. B: old-fashioned music. C: group of three notes in a chord. syncopation n A: shortened version.

B: displacement of beats.

C: thudding drum noise.

timbre n A: deep tone. B: character of sound apart from intensity and pitch. C: wood for violins. riff n A: repeated musical phrase. B: guitar solo. C: broken piano wire. plectrum s A: sustained note. B: hole in a guitar. C: object used to pluck strings. diatonic a A: distressed (of a note).

B:characterised by a lack of change in pitch. C: whispering.

25

*PA tr0: 1ikk t i*1

Word Power Answers

Word Journey

scat—[B] improvised singing, using sounds that imitate instruments.

"Ella Fitzgerald was a scatting genius."

American English.

2. embouchure—[A] way of putting your mouth to a mouthpiece. French emboucher (put in or to the mouth).

3. coloratura—[A] elaborate vocal melody. Latin colorare (to colour).

4. melisma—[C] group of notes sung to one syllable. "I'm sure there was a melisma of 12 notes in that word." Greek. cornet—[C] trumpet. "He played the 'Last Post' on his cornet." Latin cornu (horn).

No one knows exactly where the term jazz comes from. It was popularised in the US, but the word was probably invented on the Gold Coast of Africa and imported by slaves. Jazz was first regularly used in the early 20th century to mean a sort of ragtime dance, and then the sort of music to which it was danced. It was also used as a verb, meaning to liven up. So the word is as shifting and unpredictable as the music! beats. "The syncopation added surprise to his performance." Greeksunkope (cut off).

6. scherzo—[C] light, fast composition.

"The scherzo made for lovely light relief." Italian (jest).

timbre—[B] character of sound apart from intensity and pitch. "Bing Crosby had a timbre that many try to emulate."

7. bebop—[A] 1940s jazz. "Charlie Parker helped to develop bebop!'

How American English. p Did

9. side-slip—[B] play to a half-step up or down from the harmony. "The side-slipping put the drummer off."

94 1

impress us her you're a word-po wizard

10. triad—[C] a group of three notes in a chord. Greek trias (group of three). syncopation—[B] displacement of More Word Power on the Web! For more vocabulary-building fun online, go to readers digest.co.uk/wordpower.

26

4 plectrum—[C] object used to pluck strings.

"Les Paul's plectrum was worn to nothing." Greek plektron (striking object).

15. diatonic—[B] notes played without changing pitch. "The diatonic section of the music was a bit bland." Greek.

Word Power is written by author and journalist Harry Mount. If you have a word-related question or language teaser for Harry, please email theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

STUART CONWAY

8. polytonality—[B] use of two or more keys. Greek polus tonos (much tone).

13. riff—[A] repeated musical phrase. Short for riffling, a good atte variant of ruffling (Middle you're starting English, unknown origin).

Fast facts TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS! Forty per cent of British people believe in angels.

In America, the figure is 71 per cent— as opposed to 47 per cent who believe in evolution.

A bachelor's recipe for omelette: add contents of fridge to two eggs and cook until everything stops wiggling.

P

The country that has won the most Wimbledon men's singles titles is—wait for it—Britain. with (Admittedly, 32 of those were before 1910, when fewer non-Brits took part, and the other three were Fred Perry.)

R :crke

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat?

Her favourite food is seconds. Joan Rivers

Plus ca change corner: in 1857, a debate raged in medical journal The Lancet about the health risks of tobacco. The other two big debates in The Lancet that year were on the dangers of food additives and whether Ace face homeopathy is Fred Perry real medicine.

f'

GREAT QUOTES ON EATING

IN JANE AUSTEN'S NORTHANGER ABBEY, THE HEROINE CATHERINE MORELAND IS A KEEN BASEBALL PLAYER. At the current rate of progress, it's estimated that we should have discovered all the species of insects just over 15,000 years from now.

I bought all those Jane Fonda videos.

I love to sit and eat cookies and watch them.

Paolon The best indicator of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjustment on his bathroom scales.

Arthur C Chrke

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless three other people are present.

Orson

BY JAMES WALTON. PHOTOS: JON SULLIVAN/PDPHOTO.ORG (ANGEL)

27

Not if, but when GARY RIMMER SENDS BACK A POSTCARD FROM THE FUTURE

Hazard lights for humans DATELINE: 2015 Silkworm silk is the latest medical wonder material, used for "lab-on-a-chip" technology—microscopic implantable medical devices that monitor vital signs, run blood tests, and accurately dispense drugs. In electro-therapeutic epilepsy treatment, silk— pliable, biodegradable and non-allergenic—moulds itself to the surface of the brain to prevent irritation bythe electrodes. Most remarkably, silk optical fibre can transmit light from implanted silk bio-sensors to light-emitting diodes embedded in the skin. Like dashboard warning lights, these change colour if the condition of patients in, say, cancer remission or with diseases like diabetes alters.

Smell of life DATELINE: 2025 Can smell affect longevity? Scientists in Michigan found that female fruit flies lived 20 per cent longer when their sense of smell was erased. Why? A fly that can't smell "assumes" no food is available, triggering a starvation response, a kind of biological standby mode. Proof, perhaps, of a link between olfaction

around newborn babies, freshly mown grass and chocolate!

Paving the way for kinder roads DATELINE: 2030 The built environment now plays an important role in pollution control. Concrete paving stones made in the Netherlands, and seeded with recycled tyre rubber to reduce noise, trap pollutants from car exhausts. Global cement production used to account for five per cent of all CO2 emissions. Now, cement developed at Imperial College traps up to 15 per cent more than it releases. And in many places, because asphalt roads act like solar panels, parallel pipes carrying sewage water run underneath the roads and carry away the heat to generate electricity, warm buildings or be fed back later to de-ice roads.

28

READER'S DIGEST • JULY

ILLUS TRATEDBYFL O RIAN BAY ER

and life expectancy. So are there aromas that can extend life? Hard to prove, but never let science get in the way of a great marketing idea: the first air freshener claiming to lengthen life has just gone on sale. Ingredients are secret, but it's likely that they'll revolve

Instant expert BYHA RRYMOUNT; PHO TOS; J VALKONE N/ REX; JE FF J MITCH ELL/ REUTER S/ AC TIONI MAG ES

THE OPEN CHAMPIONSH

further than a mere century

witnesses its 28th Open this month. The winner will

and a half. The first golfers— shepherds knocking stones into rabbit holes—walked the links in the , Golf had grown so popular by 1457 that

receive a copy of the silver claret jug, first presented in

In 2000 and 2005, the last two occasions the Open was held at the winner was one Tiger Woods.

Things have changed for Woods since then, but not for St Andrews, which remains the international home of golf. It hosts the Open on July 15-18. >> Thisyear marks the 150th anniversary of the Open, the oldest of the four major golf championships.

The others—the Masters, the US Open and the PGA Championship—are all held in the US. But it is that remains the most famous. Its pre-eminence is such that no golf aficionado calls it the British Open; say "the Open" and people know what you mean. >> St Andrews, on the east coast of Fife, has a golfing history that goes back way

1873, along with a cheque for >> One man who won't be teeing off is Maurice Flitcroft, golf's most famous duffer, who died in 2007. A crane driver from Barrow-in-Furness, he became a folk hero to all desperate golfers in 1976, when he conned his way into the pre-qualifiying rounds for the Open.

James II banned the sport because it kept men from archery practice. By the 1700s the Old Course was up and running, with golfers playing 11 holes out and 11 holes in, starting and finishing on the mound by today's first tee. >> In 1754, the Royal and Ancient Golf Club was set up; it's still responsible for determining the rules of the game worldwide (except in America and Mexico). Today, there's a grand total of seven golf courses at St Andrews.

The Old Course

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Flitcroft managed a49 over par 121 before he was banned by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club for life. He still managed to slip into further qualifying rounds for the Open under other pseudonyms, including James Beau Jolley and Gene Paceky (it's pronounced "paycheck").

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If I ruled the world... the child protection register surrender a key to their home. I'd use retired MI5 and MI6 agents to work as vigilance teams

national), and Kids Company, which she set up in 1996 and now reaches some 13,50o children a year with therapeutic and social work support.

A trained psychotherapist, Camila and her team have raised L5c) million over the years to help London's most vulnerable children. ...I'd change the culture under which we deliver care. Most people who have secure lives can overcome problems by visiting a doctor or psychiatrist. But when an individual's primary care experience is one of abuse and neglect, they present symptoms in a chronic way—so patient-doctor treatment may not be effective. These people need to belong somewhere, 32

so I'd ensure there were more centres where staff "re-parent" children whose primary problem is a lack of a functioning adult and no secure base. The carers would be ordinary people who understand that a more basic approach, giving comfort to another human being, can often work better than medicine. ...I'd make parents whose children are on

because they're trained to spot clues. They'd turn up without prior arrangement; parents wouldn't have time to cover their children's bruises with chocolate or remove drug paraphernalia.

If you neglectyour child, you should lose your right to privacy.

In this country 550,000 children are referred to child protection services every year—yet they take an average of only 33,000.

All but 1,200 of these children are then taken off the register. This is partly because the Government wants to look good, but mainly because it's expensive—each child on the register has to have their own social worker.

Child protection procedures need to be robust to work effectively. ...I'd change the education system for children with special needs. Instead of tryingto bringthese children up to READER'S DIGEST • JULY '1c,

MYKEL N ICOLA OU/ REXFE A TU RES

is the founder of two children's charities: school-based counselling service The Place2Be (now

WORLD TRAVELLER

average in all subjects, teachers would put the basics in place and then develop the child's talent.

For example, if a child were interested in graphic design, a mentor in that area would be found for them. Believing that everyone has somethingto offer would change so much. Taking a neglected child and finding something at which they can excel would allow them to celebrate their existence.

We've seen it work at Kids Company-85 per cent of our children who have fallen out of mainstream education are re-integrated successfully. The national average is 34 per cent.

Striving for excellence would be my numberone goal.

What do you get when you cross chess and boxing?

Chess-boxing! It's one of many hybrid sports taking off in the US. Skijoring? It mixes cross-country skiing and dog mushing (dog-powered transport)—apparently even poodles can do it. And Octopush? Underwater hockey played by snorkellers.

...I'd encourage

16 COUNTRIES, ONE QUESTION

Who's doing what around the globe

" 07

# .

The days of bored pupils are coming to an end in ISRAEL thanks to computer program Time to Know (T2K). Children develop computer skills early—so T2K enables each child to work at a computer on a personalised curriculum at their own pace, while teachers monitor them from a dashboard. The result? Classes are more streamlined and pupils more engaged.

"Schwinging" is sweeping GERMANY. No, not that sort —we're talking 30s-style dancing. From the lindy hop to the turkey trot, it's big news, with workshops springing up everywhere. But be prepared to get up close and personal: advice includes "sometimes mints will be a good choice".

charitable giving. We

should be praised for what we have achieved for other people, not for our status or wealth. Genuine philanthropy is the biggestgift you can give yourself; proof of your compassion for another person. It's the most creative expression of humanitythere is.

As told to Caroline Hutton READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

MONEY

FAMILY

Malaysia 58% China 55% Singapore 55% US 48% Australia 40% Philippines 38% UK, Canada 37% India, Netherlands 36%

France 51% Russia 51%

STATE OF THE WORLD Germany Brazil Spain

39%

36% 32%

HEALTH Italy

3o%

Older people stress about their health most—but amazingly, in Singapore and Russia, no one over 45 worries about it!

33

Your child has a killer backhand and looks great in whites, but does he or she have what it takes to be the next

Smash • • • • • • • • •

)urt was his prison.

Venus and Serena Williams revelled in being groomed as future tennis champions from birth. Mary Pierce and Jelena Dokic both had abusive and domineering fathers. Rafael Nadal was coached from the age of four by a strict but loving uncle—and still is. Searching for a pattern? Forget it.

There isn't one.

So what do you do if your child suddenly starts hitting a hard, fast ball low over the net, time after time?

However much of a role a parent plays (and are you sure

BY RICHARD EVANS 34

COURTESY THE MURRAY FAMILY; ELLA LING/BACKPAGEIMAGES.COM

• • •

"Kids who have natural timing generate exceptional speed early on"—Alex Corretja, now part-time coach to Andy Murray (left, as a boy)

that the hopes you're heaping on your child's shoulders really do represent their dreams, not yours?), evaluation from a professional coach is a must.

You can't automatically assume your child is going to be a world-beater.

Alex Corretja, a former French Open finalist and now part-time coach to Andy Murray, is not so worried about the physical aspects. "Not at nine or ten," says the Spaniard. "You never know how they will develop physically."

"The first thing I look for is attitude.

I want to see a look in their eyes that tells me they are focused and determined to succeed. I want kids who are fast learners; who can understand what you're telling them and can adjust their game quickly. And I want to see how fast the ball comes off their rackets.

they backing off? I didn't know Lleyton was going to turn into the speedster he became, but I saw a kid who always got to the ball and was determined to get it back."

Youthful enthusiasm, however, does need to be handled with care. Parents

must be aware of the tendency to encourage children to play too much.

Agassi's horror stories of being made to play six or seven hours a day, six days a week are stomach-churning.

Happily, there are better examples of how to do it—Toni Nadal, Rafael Nadal's uncle, who has coached him since the age of four, is one of them.

Tennis did not become young Rafa's entire life. "He played other sports," said Toni. "I think that is important

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 0 • • • • • • •

• • • • •

Kids who have natural timing generate exceptional speed early on."

Darren Cahill, who started working with Lleyton Hewitt when the future Wimbledon champion was 12, and who was with Agassi during the last years of his career, says speed, footwork, attitude and athleticism are all important factors. But, he adds: "I always look to see how well they track the ball. Do they have an instinctive feel of where it's going off their opponent's racket?

Do they move towards the ball or are 36

when they are young. Maybe because of my brother [Miguel Nadal played for Barcelona and Spain], Rafa really loved football and played regularly until he was 13. After that we had to make a decision to concentrate fulltime on tennis." Corretja agrees. "Kids should play as many sports as they like," he says. "It's good for them to see the difference between team sports and tennis, which requires more individual responsibility."

So if you've got a kid with talent and READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

VIC TORFR AILE/ AL AMY

"I was lucky. He wasn't the sort of kid you needed to tell something to twice" TONI NADAL

• • • • Rafael Nadal's coach and uncle Toni Nadal says: "I was lucky to find Rafa in the family, and lucky, too, not to be his father. One stage removed is better, no? Then it was a question of teaching the little boy the right way to play the game.

Not just technically but attitude, too. I told him very early that if he ever threw a racket and broke it I wouldn't be his coach any more. I told him there are millions of kids in the world who cannot afford a racket. And I was lucky. He wasn't the sort of kid you needed to tell something important to twice.

He had this great desire to be as good as he could be. Without that, talent is not enough."

the right attitude, plus an affirmative nod from a top coach, next up is to start counting your pennies. Unless the Lawn Tennis Association (LTA) helps, the chances of avoiding significant coaching fees and travel costs are slim.

This is where the LTA, with its £28 million annual contribution from Wimbledon and huge government subsidy, could do a better job of targeting outside middle-class neighbourhoods —a major factor in its inability to unearth budding athletic talent.

At the recent Golf & Tennis Show at London's ExCel Centre, a strapping black youngster from Hackney in his late teens told me he was keen to get into tennis. "I can't find anywhere to play in my area apart from clubs that cost a lot," he said. We were right in front of the LTA stand—there should have been someone who could tell this prospective recruit where to go and who to talk to. But there wasn't.

This is one reason why parents of talented kids look for other outlets. Re-

member, none of Britain's three top ten players in the past two decades have been LTA "products". Tim Henman came through Reed's School under a David Lloyd initiative. Greg Rusedski came over from Canada, and Andy Murray, after being coached by his mother, went to Barcelona at the age of 14.

"It was the making of me," Murray has admitted on numerous occasions.

"Every day I was playing against tough, talented guys on clay courts. I'd never have had that experience in Britain."

So Judy Murray did two things right.

38

She used her own talents as a coach in Scotland to bring up two boys of international standard; and then was not too proud or afraid to send the more talented one abroad.

Barcelona and Florida, home to so many top-class tennis academies such as Sanchez-Casal and Nick Bollettieri's, is one way to go—but they cost a lot of money. But then bringing up a tenniscrazy youngster in Britain isn't for the impoverished either.

Alison Feaver, whose husband John played in the Davis Cup for Britain, found herself as a full-time tennis mum when her son Jamie was chasing LTA junior ranking points. Jamie is now 23 and battling his way around the world's challenge circuits.

"I'm not sure how we managed," she reflects. "The cost just mounts up. Two lessons a week at £40 a pop; new shoes every two weeks; racket stringing; physio; doctor's visits; massages (also £40 a time); and then there's the travel.

Practically every weekend we left our home in Wimbledon to drive to Bournemouth, Liverpool, Nottingham, you name it, so the petrol and the hotel bills were steep, too. Basically, it amounted to about £20,000 a year minimum during Jamie's early teenage years."

Things have improved since Jamie was growing up. One of the best LTA initiatives involves the Aegon Schools Scheme, which provides primary schools with a teacher-friendly coaching DVD as well as rackets, balls and a net to set up a mini court in school halls. That helps to get kids started, but the expense comes later.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

However, other opportunities are emerging. One is by Chiswick Bridge

in west London. Dukes Meadow is the brainchild of French Connection founder Stephen Marks, the number one junior in Middlesex in his youth.

Marks poured money into Dukes Meadow, once a low-level golf facility, adding five indoor courts and four outdoor ones made of European clay.

Now you can find some seriously promising kids playing at Dukes Meadow every day under the tutelage of former British number one Jo Durie and the man who coached her to world number five, Alan Jones.

•

•e

II

although LTA chief Roger Draper remains positive. "We have 250,000 people being coached every year in Britain," he said recently. "We have 23,000 tennis courts and over the next five years we're investing £40 million in new facilities."

Sebastian Adams, who runs the Dukes Meadow complex for Marks, supports a less-restrictive approach.

He's scrapped the terms "club" and "membership", saying: "We want to get away from the concept of having to join a club. Anyone can play here and there is none of the 'adults first' syndrome that you find at so •

erra • • • • •

Judy Murray wasn't too proud or afraid to send the more talented son abroad

When I drop by, Jones is hitting with a young lad called George, who has just turned nine. "He's wild at the moment—just look how hard he hits the ball," enthuses Jones. "If he was with the LTA, he wouldn't be allowed to play with a proper ball because of his age. They insist nine-year-olds still use the soft trainer ball. That's fine for most kids but it would be ridiculous for someone as good as him. You have to spot the ones with exceptional ability and move them forward at the right pace. You just cannot be so rigid with the rules."

It's a comment I hear echoed by many frustrated parents and coaches, READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

many clubs. If anything, the kids get priority."

Better still, if Jones and Durie think a youngster has exceptional talent and shows the right willingness to learn, they'll give them a trial run for next to nothing. "I look for the kids who really love the game and have a hunger to improve and win," says Jones.

At this point the parent's role can be the make-or-break factor. Jimmy Connors was driven by his fearsome mother and probably spent as much time on court as a teenager as Agassi. But mothers can get away with that with their sons. Fathers often can't. This is borne 39

out by some studies documented in If I'm the Better Player, Why Can't I Win?, a book on the psychology of competition I wrote with Dr Allen Fox, the only American Davis Cup player with a degree in psychology.

In tests to see how boys reacted in competitive environments with both parents in attendance, the boys with mothers to the fore, shouting instructions and encouragement while

close to emulating their fathers' Grand Slam achievements.

Similar tests have never been done on girls and there is no clear known pattern. Although Mary Pierce and Jelena Dokic's experiences are disturbing examples of the wrong way to go, there are happier stories. New Danish star Caroline Wozniacki is successfully coached by her father; Maria Sharapova left Russia at the age of eight and went

• . • ••

"Let the child be an eightyear-old. Don't keep them on the court all day" RICHARD WILLIAMS the fathers hung back applauding, did best. Boys being berated by their fathers with wallflower mothers, however, did worst.

The psychological explanation is that boys try to emulate their fathers and can't because Daddy is bigger, stronger and more experienced, so they feel crushed. But a boy isn't trying to be his mother; he just wants her love and approval. So there's no threat.

The history of successful men with dominant mothers tends to support this—and the failure of male tennis champions to produce champion sons is even more illuminating. I'd never accuse Jack Kramer, Rod Laver, Ken Rosewall, Roy Emerson, Manolo Santana and John Newcombe of being overbearing fathers, but the fact is that all of them had sons (Kramer had five)—and none of them even came 40

to Bollettieri's in Florida with her slightly eccentric father. By 17, she was Wimbledon champion.

And then there's Richard Williams.

No tennis parent in history has set the course for stardom at such an outrageously early age (birth!), made ridiculous claims and managed to bring the whole thing to fruition—not once, but twice.

Williams called the local press to his home in Compton, one of the worst areas in Los Angeles, when Venus and Serena were nine and eight. He told a smirking group of sports writers that his daughters would both win Wimbledon and both be number one in the world. "OK, Richard," they laughed.

"We'll check back with you."

No need, was there? It's been an outstanding achievement, especially READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

as Richard and his former wife Oracene never pushed their daughters into competition. In fact, when I saw Venus beat Shaun Stafford (then ranked 50 in the world) at the age of 14 in a tournament in California, neither she nor

number one at 16, Venus came to me and said she wanted to play more tournaments to challenge her," Williams recalled. "I told her school came first and number one would come later.

Education was always a priority."

ALLSTARPI CTUR E LIBRARY/ALA MY

For Serena and Venus, tennis had to play second string to homework

Serena had played a junior tournament in three years.

"We didn't like the atmosphere at the junior tournaments," Oracene told me. "Too much bickering among the parents."

When Richard was "on duty" in Madrid this May I asked him what a parent of a talented eight-year-old should do, "Let the child be an eight-year-old," was the gruff reply. "And don't keep them on court all day. At that age an hour a day is fine as long as it's intensive."

Richard made no secret of wanting to turn his daughters into revenue streams, but he never pushed them too fast. "When Martina Hingis was world READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

But perhaps the ultimate role model is the great Roger Federer: mother an athlete who worked at the local tennis stadium in Basle; access to plenty of practice courts; good advice from understanding parents; top coaches to guide him through a teenage temper problem; and, eventually, a smooth, silky ride to the very pinnacle of the game. Easy when you know how... >> Richard Evans was a BBC radio commentator on Wimbledon from 1980-2004 and has written over a dozen books on rugby and cricket as well as tennis. He is also a former European director of the ATP. 41

RACE AGAINST TIME!

THE

BUG BUSTERS How food detectives tracked down the source of a mystery bug threatening the nation

BY CHRISTOPHER MIDDLETON PHOTOGRAPHED BY BARRY MARSDEN; SCIENCE SOURCE/SPL (BACKGROUND)

Who you gonna call?

Chris Lane (centre) and his bug-busting team at the Health Protection Agency 43

II t's June 2009, and in the northwest of England a man goes to the doctor's, complaining of food poisoning. Meanwhile, 200 miles south, a woman in London does the same.

They are both prescribed the standard antibiotic for the treatment of persistent stomach upsets, but with no success; whatever they've got is resistant to the drug.

Meanwhile, other people are going down with the same bug, but often hundreds of miles apart. Because the cases are happening in different parts of the country and involve mostly small numbers of people—not all of whom see their doctors—the health authorities aren't as yet aware there's a national problem.

Yet somewhere out there is a food bug that's silently wreaking havoc.

People who go down with it don't just get the standard diarrhoea and stomach pain; at least half get fever and nausea, while one in four produces blood when they go to the toilet.

And it's not as if there's any obvious link between those who are going down with it. They haven't all been at the same party or wedding function and they're not all the same age. While some aren't too badly affected, others are ending up in hospital, which is particularly serious given that some are very young (babies under a year old) and others are in their late eighties.

The organisation in charge of tracking down food bugs is the Health Protection Agency (HPA), based in 44

Colindale, north London. So far, they haven't got any data to suggest there's a problem.

"We monitor regional reports for any hint of an outbreak," says the HP.Ns top bug detective Chris Lane. "But in the first few weeks of this infection, we were not getting any indications of significant increases."

But all that changed at the start of

September, as local health authorities in the North-West and Home Counties started sending not just notification of serious food poisoning episodes to the HPA, but dispatching samples, too. Once presented with

Peak season Why are food bugs at their busiest in summer?

1. The weather is warmer

Once food has been out of the fridge for four hours, bacteria begin to multiply. After six hours, ten germs will have multiplied to 1,000.

And global warming is making things worse!

2. People have barbecues

Not only do people fail to cook the meat properly, but they cause cross-contamination —because they touch raw meat and then handle things like bread and salads.

3. Picnics and weddings

Two classic occasions where food stands around not just unrefrigerated, but being warmed up in airless marquees and sweaty clingfilm. Coronation chicken becomes a heaving bacteria heaven.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

these "isolates" (as the samples are called), the HPA laboratories were able to identify the infection as Salmonella Enteritidis PT14b.

But merely fingering the guilty bacillus is a far cry from actually tracking down its source. And, with the number of reported cases now in the hundreds, it was clearly a race against time to prevent more people from falling foul of this potentially fatal infection—already, some victims were having to be hospitalised.

So where were the bug detectives to start looking? How do you track down an invisible enemy that seems to be operating in completely unrelated parts of the country?

"The one big thing we had going was that we'd seen this particular strain of salmonella —and there are 2,400 different types—in a previous outbreak, connected with contaminated eggs," says Lane. "We couldn't be 100 per cent sure, but when you've been in this business long enough you detect little inflections in an outbreak—and from the start, this one had the smell of eggs about it."

JUI CEIMAGES/ AL AMY

The next step was for the HPA team

to go into intensive phone-interrogation mode, quizzing the victims on every aspect of what they'd had to eat prior to going down with the bug. Not an easy job.

"For a start, we were asking people to recall, in detail, events that had happened weeks earlier," says Lane. "And READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

The bug detectives' casebook Salmonella on the go People all over the Home Counties suddenly started going down with Salmonella Hadar, named after the area in Ethiopia where it was first identified (don't laugh—there's a Salmonella Neasden, too). Intensive questioning found that all the victims had bought sandwiches with the same meatbased filling, from small, seemingly unrelated outlets such as newsagents and petrol garages. The trail led to a bulk supplier of sandwich fillings, operatingfrom an industrial unit in south-east London.

The kosher connection During an outbreak of Salmonella Agona round north London, the bugbusters spotted that all the victims were under ten and all had typically Jewish surnames.

Prompt investigation revealed the children had all been eating a kosher snack food made in Tel Aviv, which was promptly withdrawn from the market. The UK breakthrough also helped out Israeli health authorities, who'd been unable either to identify the strain of salmonella or pin down its source.

while we had our suspicions, we couldn't risk asking any leading, egg-related questions, in case we prejudiced the whole investigation. After all, it could have been something completely different that was responsible."

Another surprising requirement in any food-poisoning investigation is that, as well as interviewing people who have gone down with the bug, the > 45

» CAMPYLOBACTER The UK's commonest cause of food poisoning. Present in 65 per cent of all raw chicken carcasses. Claims 440,000 victims per year. Symptoms: severe diarrhoea with abdominal cramps. » SALMONELLA Second commonest cause of food poisoning in the UK. Found in eggs, meat, poultry, unpasteurised milk and insufficiently cooked food. Highly infectious, comes in 2,400 different strains. Symptoms: diarrhoea, vomiting, fever, abdominal pain. >> CLOSTRIDIUM PERFRINGENS Thrives in situations where large batches of food have been cooked and then allowed to stand for a longtime at room temperature.

Symptoms: diarrhoea, severe abdominal pain and nausea, but rarely vomiting. » LISTERIA Lurks in chilled, ready-to-eat food, especially soft cheeses and pâtés. Dangerous to pregnant women, new and unborn babies, anyone with a weakened immune system and the elderly. Kills one in three. Symptoms: high temperature, muscle pain, severe headaches, stiff neck, lack of coordination. » E. COLI Caused by undercooked minced beef or contaminated milk. It's also passed on through contact with cattle—they have E. coli in their intestines, though it does them no harm. Symptoms: bloody diarrhoea, abdominal cramps, possible kidney failure, anaemia and neurological cramps. Can be fatal to the very young and very old.

46

HPA detectives also have to question those

who haven't, in order to get a baseline by which to assess the severity of the outbreak.

"Most of the time you have to ring people in the evening, when they've come home from work, and not everyone is either ready or able to answer questions," says Lane. "This meant that for a period of weeks, we stayed in the office until at least 8pm or 9pm."

Within days, though, a clearer picture

began to emerge, with the revelation that a significant proportion of the 16 identified outbreaks of Salmonella Enteritidis PT14b (some involving just two people, one involving 68) had affected people who'd eaten in restaurants. And not in French or Indian restaurants, but Chinese ones.

"We know Chinese restaurants have a tendency to make what we call an egg pool, whereby they crack about 70 eggs into a single bowl and beat them together," says Lane. "Even if just one egg is infected with salmonella, it will go through the lot. Not only does this egg mixture spend a lot of time standing around in ambient, often warm, temperatures in a restaurant kitchen, but it's often the last thing to go into the rice, so it's potentially undercooked as well."

No sooner had this Chinese restaurant link been established, than local environmental health officers were dispatched to the locations where victims had eaten. They weren't going to READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

PA SIEKA/ SCIENCEPHOTO LIBRAR Y

Britain's got bugs

close these establishments down, but instead find out who supplied their eggs and to check their current stock for contamination.

It's just as well they did. Out of 480 eggs removed for analysis, more than 20 tested positive for Salmonella Enteritidis PT14b. The HPA team knew they had hit the bull's eye, since it turned out that all those eggs had been supplied by the same distributor, who'd sourced them from one particular farm in Spain (the eggs all bore the same supplier code number).

No sooner were these findings known than they were passed to the UK's Food Standards Agency, which then informed the European Food Safety Authority, which in turn informed the Spanish authorities (there's a strict protocol for these things).

As a result of this, the problem

disappeared just as soon as it had arrived. Although there has been no official notification to the HPA, it's understood that the farm supplying the contaminated eggs was made to carry out a total overhaul of its hygiene regime and submit all its eggs for heat treatment and contamination testing until further notice.

Overall, some 500 cases of Salmonella Enteritidis PT14b were officially re-

ported to the HPA, though the actual number of sufferers could have been anything up to seven times that amount.

By the second week in December, the number of reported cases had dropped from 70 a week to zero.

And the lessons to be learned? First, cook your eggs thoroughly. And second, buy British.

"The British poultry industry has really cleaned up its act since the 1980s and 1990s, thanks to Edwina Currie highlighting the unacceptable Bacteria's levels of salmonella contamination in eggs," says Lane. "She greatest hits got a lot of criticism for it, but The unhappiest day of their lives? essentially she was right. >> An outbreak of campylobacter at a wedding Not only are British-laid reception in Bristol in 2006 resulted in the eggs now cleaned and hospitalisation of 42 guests from around Europe. polished before being The caterers for the event admitted serving sold, but also all boiler contaminated food and failing to ensure food safety and layer flocks are rouprocedures. They were fined £5,000. tinely vaccinated. >> Twenty-nine wedding guests went down with "Back in 1996-97, we diarrhoea and vomitingfollowing a wedding reception were seeing up to 16,000 at a pub in Kent in 2008. The source of the poisoning egg-related salmonella (campylobacter again) was an undercooked and then cases per year in this couninadequately chilled chicken liver pate, the result try of phage type 4. Last > of a new cooker and a faulty fridge.

47

Protect yourself 1. Wash your hands with soap and warm water before preparing food and after touching raw meat (or pets, or visiting the toilet).

2. Dry your hands after washing; wet hands spread bacteria more easily.

3. Change tea towels and dishcloths regularly; they're the perfect place for bacteria to grow.

4. Use separate knives and chopping boards for raw and cooked meat.

5. Cook all meat until it's piping hot and the juices run clear (no hint of blood, especially in

chicken, pork and mince). The temperature in the middle or thickest part of the meat should be 70°C for more than two minutes.

6. Turn barbecue food regularly as it cooks, to avoid charring on one side and undercooking on the other.

7. Avoid crosscontamination—keep raw meat separate from cooked and other food.

8. Keep hot foods hot and cold foods cold until it's time to eat them— don't leave them standing around indefinitely.

year we saw just 400 cases, which is probably the biggest food safety success story there's been in the UK." This means we should all be able to sleep more easily in our beds after a night out at our local restaurant. And

9. Cool leftovers within two hours and store in the fridge.

10. Remember, washing meat doesn't get rid of bacteria; only thorough cooking does that.

- For more details, visit the Food Standards Agency website at eatwell.gov.uk.

should Salmonella 4 or 14, or any other food-borne infection, raise its ugly head in future, we can rest assured that Chris Lane and his team of food detectives will stop at nothing to bring that bug to book.

You might want to maintain a steady stare while engaged in conversation, as scientists have suggested that blinking is actually a sign of rudeness—it proves your mind is wandering.

In an attempt to focusyour thoughts, says researcher Dr Daniel Smilek from the University of Waterloo, Ontario, "you basically closeyour eyelids so there's less information coming into the brain. The mind doesn't ignore the world all by itself; the eyelids help."

48

READER'S DIGEST JULY '10

PH OTOCUI SINE/ ALAMY

It's a blinking insult!

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The Top Ten

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Katie Flynn — Heading Home £6.99

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The beard that is to be feared: early comic forays with The Hee Bee Gee Bees (above and right) and Radio Active (below left, with gun)

I remember Angus Deayton, 54, on no

ecords, travelling around Africa and the sheer pleasure of fouling Maradona I remember... the highlight of my week as a child was a Tuesday afternoon when my grandma visited and gave me a Crunchie. This suggests that the rest of my week must have been rather dull. _when I was ten my mother went off to evening classes to become a cookery teacher.

Each week she'd have to perfect a different dish that my father and two elder rothers and I had to eat every single night until she'd got it right. They were classic Seventies concoctionsboeuf bourguignon, toad in the hole and beef stroganoff. But her speciality is baking. Being Scottish, she's always been keen on rather unhealthy food, particularly cream teas and cakes. ...if my brothers and I were ever naughty the spectre of my father would be held over us: "Wait until

your father gets home." He was a

naval man, quite strict and stern, and had each of his sons with military precision exactly three years apart.

We could twist our mum round our little fingers, but it was my dad who handed out the punishment. ...we played football in the garden every spare minute. On Saturday

afternoons we'd watch matches on our black-and-white TV. My brothers and I supported Manchester United.

Those were the days of George Best, Bobby Charlton and Denis Law— it was the most glamorous team.

Football and Manchester United have remained lifelong passions. ...you couldn't just buy football strips like you can now. I had to put

it together myself—red shirt, white shorts and red socks—so I could show allegiance to my heroes. ...the first football match I ever went

to was Fulham vs Leeds when I was eight. My brothers and I decided, as >

PHOTOS AND MEMORABILIA COURTESY OF ANGUS DEAYTON

51

Angus (on his dad's knee) beside the seaside with brothers Alan and Bill

Leeds was closer to Manchester, to support the visiting team. We spent all week making a large LEEDS UNITED banner. When we unfurled it, we were subject to a barrage of abuse from all the Fulham fans. ...Crystal Palace was my local team

and, because they were in a much lower division, it was OK to support them, too. I even had trials with them when I was 12. ...my dad was a rugby fan but did occasionally take us to football matches. Once, we drove nearly

60 miles from Caterham to north London to see a Spurs match. It was the days before credit-card hotlines and they shut the turnstiles just as we got to the front of the ticket queue. I still remember the roar from the crowd behind us as we turned tail and headed home disappointed.

52

... pop music was also a passion in our lives. I was a Genesis fan, but

my dad didn't like our taste in music.

He'd let us watch Top of The Pops, but he made a point of eating his meal in the kitchen. When I worked on Capital Radio in the 1980s, my parents would tune in to listen to me talk and then turn down the radio when music was played. ...becoming friends with Peter Gabriel later in life. It's still a thrill.

I also met George Best a few times, but it's difficult in those situations because, as an adult, you can't say what's really on your mind, namely, "I love you! You're fantastic! I had pictures of you all over my bedroom wall!" Instead you have to play it slightly cool—as though meeting George Best was something relatively normal for a lifelong Manchester United supporter.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY ',o

...going to Oxford for my university interview and it being incredibly

cold, dank and misty. It felt like stepping back several centuries. But I thought, This is something special. ...it was very different from life in Caterham. I lived in a college

and we all had "scouts" who cleaned our rooms and washed our coffee cups. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

...girls weren't allowed into my college so we had to smuggle them in. We'd dress them up as boys and try to sidle past the porters.

Butch girlfriends were very popular in my college ...my first year was spent making friends with a lot of people I then

realised I didn't have a great deal in common with. My lifelong friends were those I met in my final year.

Meeting Richard Curtis was a life-changing event. He'd been involved in the Oxford Revue and asked me to join them at the Edinburgh Festival. ...prior to that I'd only been on stage for college productions. I'd once

been the fourth attendant lord in The Duchess of Malfi. I had one line, "I shall fetch thee a dark lantern," READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

which has always struck me as very odd. ...at the Edinburgh Festival the newsreader Gordon Honeycombe came to see our show. He asked if we'd like him to join us, so Richard tailored some sketches and we hurriedly changed our posters to say, "Oxford Revue—featuring Gordon Honeycombe!" It was slightly surreal. ...The Hee Bee Gee Bees was one of the acts in our show. A pop

parody was something new then.

Richard wrote all our songs and a guy from Original Records offered us a deal. We recorded the single "Meaningless Songs (in Very High Voices)" in Manchester. Suddenly we were pop stars. ...we appeared on TV, had stretch limos and screaming fans. With

enough facial hair we managed to look vaguely like the Bee Gees; we called ourselves Garry, Dobbin and Norris Cribb. We toured Australia three times and our first album went gold there—which meant we probably sold about 13 copies. ...it felt rather mad that we had this rock-star lifestyle because the whole

point was to parody it. The "tricky" second album bombed, which was probably fortunate. By then I was writing and starring in Radio Active, a BBC Radio 4 comedy programme that paid me my very first pay cheque. It ran for seven series.

53

Three lions on a pitch: David Baddiel, Rod Stewart and Deayton (right) represent England for Soccer Aid ...Barry Gibb didn't like us at all and

would slam down the phone if music journalists tried to ask him about The Hee Bee Gee Bees. This was odd because Richard Curtis was one of their biggest fans. But Maurice and Robin got the joke. ...when I auditioned for the part of Patrick Trench in One Foot in the

Grave I hadn't seen the show. Acting, rather than writing or producing, hadn't been part of my game plan, but it was a relief just to concentrate on my performance and have someone else be responsible for the script.

Richard Wilson became a firm friend; he's godfather to my son. ...being more nervous about the warm up at the start of Have I Got

News for You than presenting the 54

actual show because it was like a little stand-up routine, something I wasn't used to. Looking back, the persona I adopted as presenter of the show for those 12 years wasn't really me...it was an amalgam of all the presenters I'd been parodying over the years. ...going out to Africa for Comic Relief as part of their football team.

A documentary crew filmed us as we played a series of matches and visited projects to see how the money raised was being spent. It was hard work: in the middle of nowhere, incredibly hot and mostly without electricity. But that's how people out there live every day. It was a big reality check. Everyone got hideously ill on the tour except for David Baddiel and me. I'd been warned to READER'S DIGEST' JULY '10

eat nothing but vegetables while David ate everything that was put in front of him. ...there was a hole in the floor of our coach and we were covered in red

dust from the roads. One evening we turned up at a safari lodge in Ghana.

At the bar there was an English guy who'd been studying the menstrual cycle of elephants for seven years. He looked up to see this bunch of dusty travellers including David Essex, John Leslie, Frank Skinner, David Baddiel, Susan Tully, Victor Ubogu and me. He thought, I've been out here too long.

...playing football for Soccer Aid at Old Trafford about four years ago.

Robbie Williams had put together a charity team—England vs The Rest of the World. So there I was in front of 76,000 people playing alongside Paul Gascoigne, David Seaman, Les Ferdinand and Alan Shearer, and against the likes of Zola, Ruud Gullit and Maradona. As we prepared for a corner kick I remember shouting the immortal line, "I'll take Maradona!"

I managed to foul him without the umpire noticing—my own attempt to pay him back for the "Hand of God" Caroline Hutton incident.

Ah, Mr Grant, I've been expecting you Can you imagine Casablanca without Humphrey Bogart? Or Gone With the Wind without Clark Gable?As it happens, film history is replete with casting decisions that unfortunately (or fortunately) never happened...

Dr. No Cary Grant as James Bond Grant, a friend of producer Cubby Broccoli, was willing to commit to one film but not a series. Sean Connery stepped in and the rest is history.

The Godfather Jack Nicholson as Michael Corleone The studio wanted an established star, but director Francis Ford Coppola said he'd quit if Al Pacino wasn't cast. Marlon Brando was nearly passed over for the title role, too.

The Terminator 0 J Simpson as the robot Arnold Schwarzenegger eventually won the role because the producers feared 0 J wouldn't be taken seriously as a cold-blooded killer.

Basic Instinct Emma Thompson as Catherine Tramell Thompson was interested in the character, but baulked at the explicit sex scenes.

No such reservations for Sharon Stone, whose leg-crossing antics made her a star.

Forrest Gump Bill Murray in the title role "Run, Bill, run!" Unfortunately it never happened, as Murray turned down the part that earned Tom Hanks his second Oscar.

READER'S DIGEST rdmag.co.uk

55

I

- VV

of

Killer on the loose: the lionfish's wispy fins hide a deadly secret

What happens when an aquarium fish from the other side of the world runs rampant off the Atlantic coast?

(Hint: It's not pretty)

BY ROBERT KIENER

s our boat bobs gently in

the clear turquoise waters off the Bahamian island of Great Exuma, I make a few last-minute adjustments to my mask and snorkel. In a moment, I will join marine biologist Mark Hixon on an underwater expedition to capture a lionfish—so named because its fins resemble a lion's mane.

Before we jump overboard, Hixon reminds me, "If we see one, keep your distance. These babies pack a wallop.

A jab from their spines could send you to hospital. And the nearest one is a plane ride away." Then he smiles.

"You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

I've come to the Bahamas to spend time with Hixon as he investigates what he says may become "the most devastating ocean invasion ever". He and other researchers are looking for ways to stop the spectacular population growth of red lionfish, a non-native species now eating its way through the Caribbean and up the Atlantic coast.

Hixon has seen one lionfish eat more than 20 small fish in 30 minutes. Some Caribbean fishermen are reporting that their catch of grouper and snapper has been affected. Worst of all, Hixon tells me that lionfish are devouring the grazing species that prevent seaweed from choking the reefs, making many scientists fear for the whole ecosystem. "'Explosive' is a good word to describe the lionfish's advance," he says.

58

Ten years ago, sightings of lionfish in Atlantic waters were rare. These maroon-striped beauties that hide an arsenal of venomous, needle-sharp spines among their feathery, translucent fins are native to the Pacific and Indian oceans, some 10,000 miles away.

"Suddenly," says Hixon over a beer at the Perry Institute for Marine Science on Lee Stocking Island near Great Exuma, "they were being spotted in the Atlantic. It was like seeing a polar bear in Hawaii."

They didn't swim there, he adds, and there's no evidence they arrived in ships' ballast waters. "So how did they get here?" I ask. Hixon smiles, sips his beer, and tells me a story that begins in southern Florida in 1992 with the onslaught of Hurricane Andrew. America's third most powerful storm of the 20th century roared ashore in late August with winds of up to 170mph. It wiped out thousands of homes—and some aquariums.

"There were unconfirmed reports that it smashed one private aquarium that was home to perhaps six or seven lionfish," explains Hixon. "These were released into Biscayne Bay and began doing what invasive species often do best: eat and reproduce."

Nobody can prove this really happened, and other scientists think that the original lionfish were probably released voluntarily by their owners after they discovered these hungry pets would quickly eat every smaller fish in the aquarium. However they got to the Atlantic, though, the DNA evidence suggests that the invaders READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

research ecologist from the America's National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

COUR TESYOFTI MPUSACK/ O R EGONSTA T EUNIVERS ITY

Back on Hixon's boat,

I am anxious, and just a bit edgy, to see what some have dubbed the "Yep, there's another one": "Frankenfish" in aca marine biologist charts the tion. I jump into the growing population of ten-to-20-foot-deep lionfish off the island waters and snorkel of Great Exuma above Hixon as he scuba-dives, carrying two nets. Within minutes, I'm hovering over an artificial reef that he and other researchers have built from cement blocks.

It's like a miniature block of flats perched on the sandy ocean do hail originally from western Indo- floor, with scores of colourful residents, nesia, where lionfish are collected from multi-hued parrotfish to neonfor the aquarium trade. And because blue damselfish, darting in and out. But the females can produce more than no lionfish.

Then, as Hixon shines his light into two million eggs a year—and as the species doesn't seem to have any local a crevice, he gives me a thumbs-up and predators—they are reproducing on I snorkel closer. An 18-inch-long lionfish, its majestic fins displayed like a an unheard-of scale.

Marine biologists have also discov- peacock's feathers, stares back at us. I ered the fertilised eggs can hitch a lift have been told the fish is not thought on the Gulf Stream. Lionfish have now to be aggressive, but as I dive down, I been spotted as far north as Massachu- can't get out of my mind the stories of setts and as far south as Mexico and hapless fishermen and divers who have Panama. "No fish has ever colonised been severely stung.

Bruce Purdy, a Florida-based divingso quickly and over such a vast ocean range before," says Paula Whitfield, a tour organiser, told me that when he READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

59

was stung, his palm turned crimson and ballooned. "The pain was so severe, I wanted to cut my hand off," he said.

A fisherman on Great Exuma confessed to crying like a baby. The stings can reportedly cause nausea, breathing difficulties, convulsions, and paralysis.

When I am finally face-to-face with a lionfish, it is spectacularly beautiful, its body glistening with red, white, and gold stripes, and its delicate, wispy fins swaying and fluttering hypnotically in

to two-thirds of their own length. As we speed over the tranquil waters of Exuma Sound, I ask him if he's optimistic about controlling the invasion. "You saw the way those things are vacuuming the reefs of native fish," he answers.

"I'm afraid I'm a pessimist. But we haven't lost yet." Scores of scientists, government officials and others are racing to come up with a solution for the lionfish invasion. But at the moment, the fish are winning.

Back at the Perry Institute, I meet Paul Sikkel, an Arkansas State University marine parasitologist who is spending much of his summer dissecting specimens, looking for "any chink in their armour". The more parasites, the more vulnerable the fish may be. But as he peers into a microscope at some lionfish gill tissue, he exclaims, "I cannot believe this. These are the cleanest fish I've ever seen. I'm seeing no parasites!"

Lionfish 1, Scientists 0.

Many researchers have been hoping to discover a predator. Hixon recently travelled to the Pacific to see what keeps the lionfish there in check "At this time, we just don't know," he admits. He and others have tried to entice a wide range of fish, from sharks to sea bass, to eat the invaders, but they've shown little interest. Bruce Purdy, the tour organiser, even dangled a lionfish in front of a green moray eel, a voracious eaten "The eel struck out at the lionfish, got stung and gave up." Lionfish 2, Scientists 0.

Now it's too late to stop the lionfish

In one strike the lionfish lunges at the wrasse and sucks it into his mouth, swallowing it whole the gentle current. An arm's length away—as close as I dare to go—it shows no fear, eerily staring me right in the eye. I'm almost tempted to reach out and touch it—except for the 18 camouflaged dorsal, pelvic and anal spines, each of which is armed with a pair of powerful venom glands.

Suddenly, the fish darts away and reveals its true nature. I marvel as it spreads its fins to mesmerise a small wrasse. Slowly, it backs the fish against the reef. Then in one lightning-fast strike, the lionfish lunges at the wrasse and sucks it into its mouth, swallowing it whole. Now I understand what researchers mean when they call the lionfish the perfect eating machine.

After Hixon captures the fish, we return to the boat, and he tells me that lionfish have been seen eating fish up 6o

READER'S DIGEST • JULY ',o

by capturing and killing them individu- 18-incher dubbed Big Poppa. Sikkel ally, some governments have initiated has removed the spines and Susan culling programmes. Local fishermen promises to eat it with me, but only if have also been taught how to catch and I take the first bite.

With a crowd of locals and marine dispatch them safely. Even so, many marine biologists believe the best way biologists urging us on, Susan fillets, to contain the lionfish would also be batters and fries up the fish, adding lime juice and garlic. As I raise a forkful to one of the simplest: by eating them.

Indeed, some restaurants in Nassau my mouth, I could hear a pin drop—and have begun featuring lionfish on their I remember Hixon telling me, "The menus as a novelty item. But as I soon nearest hospital is a plane ride away."

The fish is white, flaky and almost discover, Bahamians are wary of eating what many of them consider to be "that sweet, like grouper. "Delicious," I poison fish". But, I wondered, could say as I take another bite. Susan hesithey be made to change their minds? tates but takes a forkful. Her verdict: "Mmmmm."

Our audience nods in approval. I When I first ask the noted Great Exuma chef Susan Gordon if she will share a think we've convinced them that, when lionfish dinner with me, she howls with properly cooked, lionfish are safe—and laughter and says, "No way! I'm not tasty—to eat. But to clinch the deal, I touching them." Eventually, after I ex- remind them, "In Asia, the lionfish is plain that the lionfish is harmless once said to be a powerful aphrodisiac."

I can still hear their laughter and see its spines have been removed, and that cooking neutralises any venom, she their smiles. Writer 1, Lionfish 0. reluctantly agrees to prepare one.

And so, at the kitchen of the Perry 0 To see a short film about Mark Hixon's Institute, Paul Sikkel brings in a pudgy research into the lionfish, visit rdmag.co.uk.

That's clear, then Signs seen near the PLEASE 00 NOT TAKEOFF YOUR SHOES HERE

Taj Mahal, India.

Dorothy Rayner,

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York

PLEASE PUT OFF YOUR SHOES HERE

READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

61

Some of you may have given up on the values that made me come to Britain all those years ago. But I haven't

40years •

BY MONICA PORTER FORTY YEARS AGO I MOVED TO LONDON FROM

suburban New York, a wide-eyed student about to embark on Life. I arrived on my 18th birthday, and it was the most thrilling present I could have hoped for. I'd fallen in love with this great city thanks to Dickens and Sherlock Holmes. Now it was mine.

In those first few days I explored in a flurry of excitement—long walks along the Thames, forays into Westminster and the City Hyde Park, Mayfair...

It was all as wonderful as I'd imagined. I promised myself I'd never leave.

Forty years is a long time, and a nice round number.

Time, perhaps, to reflect on my adopted home, which has changed so radically during my life here. What 62

ARNO; COURTESY OF MONICA PORTER

Monica today and (inset) at her first job after arriving in London as an i8-year-old

saddens me most is that we seem to Too many as well who (either cowed have lost (or, more accurately, jetti- or brainwashed by political correctness) soned) the very Britishness that drew refuse to do anything about it. me here in the first place.

During the Thatcher era no one could When I arrived in 1970, London was have imagined that one day the term already fabulously cosmopolitan— "British" would suffer such abuse. Today you'd meet 30 people at a party and you can wear any ethnic or cultural they'd be from 15 different countries— identity with pride—except for Britishwhich was something I relished. But ness itself. That, we are made to feel, is this multiculturalism was underpinned tantamount to racial elitism. by certain traditional British ideals: This prejudice makes me angrier than tolerance, equality, plurality. Everyone anything else, despite the fact that I'm I met, no matter what their background, not British—or maybe even because of seemed to share these values and to it. I didn't embrace this culture just to regard themselves as fortunate to be see it trashed by those who are too stupid

It strikes me that in today's Britain "common bonds" are extremely tenuous living here. It was our common bond.

But it strikes me that in today's Britain "common bonds" are extremely tenuous. Over the past dozen years or so, more and more of our inhabitants (indigenous as well as newcomers) show a disdain for the Britishness I have always cherished: the self-deprecating humour, the stiff upper lip, the sense of duty and common sense.

THOSE VIRTUES CAN STILL BE FOUND

in individuals, but who can pretend they still mark us as a society? It seems we've reached a tipping point. Too many of us are either uncommitted to our national principles or blatantly hostile to them.

64

to appreciate it. Living here by choice, rather than by chance, has made me a more passionate defender of Britishness than the British themselves.

ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT HAS

been the transformation of the BBC. I still remember what a joy it was after the dire TV and radio of the US to watch the ad-free zone of the BBC and listen to the uncompromisingly intelligent programmes on Radio 4.

Admittedly, Radio 4 is still good, but what's going on with the rest of Auntie?

Far from being about public service, it's now just another empire-building corporation, unaccountable to its READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

owners—us—and too concerned with competing against commercial rivals.

It seems to have lost its way—a metaphor for the country as a whole.

As for the great metropolis I first encountered, it's grown much more hard-boiled. It used to have a friendlier atmosphere. People used to trust each other more. (I guess trust went out the window after the 7/7 atrocities.)

And there was a quirkiness about London that has been all but wiped out by its gradual Americanisation. It didn't used to look or feel like any other place.

Now it's just as full of McDonald's and Starbucks outlets and anonymous office blocks as any other city. Chunks of it could pass for Chicago or Los Angeles.

It's not only more aggressively commercial, but also more samey.

Call me nostalgic, but I don't think I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses. I haven't forgotten the downside to the Seventies and Eighties—the strikes, riots and economic woes—and I realise that the regeneration of our cities was necessary

and that globalisation has brought benefits. (The food's better, for a start.)

I KEPT THE PROMISE I MADE TO

myself as a teenager—I stayed. In 2004, I became a British citizen. It was a statement of intent. I have put down roots here and I won't be bailing out.

But change, I think, is in the air. I've noticed that a growing number of columnists, social commentators and political pundits are echoing my views. It always takes a long time for things to get moving in this country, but—and especially with a new-style Government out to break the mould—we may be at a turning point.

We've no reason to be ashamed of our history or our civilisation. Let's proclaim with pride what we're about.

Those who can't handle that are free to make their way to the exit.

Doyou think Britain has changed for the better—or worse? Let us know at the address on page 6.

Baden-Powell is rolling in his grave Users of social-networking site Facebook will be familiar with all the endless, obscure groups asking us to join. We do so because it's easy, but surely there are limits: Rock stars against boy scouts, gnomes and other nerds (34 members) Yelling at inanimate objects (151,211 m embers) I'm tired of people messing up my name (151,211 members, including Tatianne Palmiato, Dabal Thapa Taps and Sykarra Bracy) Honestly, I write LOL and I'm not even laughing (179,925 members) Oh yeah? Well, I hate dolphins! (592 members) I read the group name, I laugh, I join, I never look at it again (510,810 members)

READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

65

Small architectural details can reveal the fascinating histories of our homes.

Buildings historian, author and TV presenter Jonathan Foyle shows you what to look for

The I Iidden Secrets of Britain's I louses

1

t's a given that most Britons want their house to be more than just a box to live in. We think homes should have "character", be it an 18th-century fireplace, bricks the colour of local clay or original exposed timbers. We value these architectural details because they're a physical reminder of our ancestors' building techniques, tastes and lives—and estate agents make sure we pay a premium for them.

But every day, in our own homes or nearby streets, we see little clues to a building's past without knowing what they mean.

So here are ten often-overlooked features of British homes that will help you unlock their architectural past. They might even give you the edge over estate agents desperately trying to pass those sash windows off as "genuine 17th-century"...

66

ILLUSTRATED BY BILL SANDERSON

MEDIEVAL HOMES IN GEORGIAN CLOTHING In many towns rich in 18th-century buildings, such as Framlingham in Suffolk, Pershore in Worcestershire or Lewes in East Sussex,you'll see any number of typical Georgian houses. But look closer and you'll spot that the Georgian obsession with windows being perfectly aligned isn't

always followed.

The reason is usually that a medieval or Tudor timberframed house lurks beneath.

As Georgian tastes began to swing towards classical designs, old timber houses were often clad in brick, stucco, tiles or weatherboard. But punching holes in their ageing walls to install regularly spaced windows would often have meant removing a wall brace.

This could have led to the house collapsing. So developers had to work round such supports, and settle for making windows as closely aligned as possible.

!!,I ROOM WITH A WOBBLY VIEW Imperfect window panes are one of the chief joys of old houses. Sunlight casts wavy patterns on walls; the view of the outside is softened. The reason?

Panes dating from the 167os to around 1840 are usually "crown glass", made by blowing a molten glass bubble (the "crown") and spinning it so that it forms a disc of up to five

feet in diameter. Rectangular panes (bearing rippled lines from the disc that

creates the wobbly light effect) were then cut to form glazing bars.

After 1840, manufacturers switched to plate glass, so you can identify pre-184o panes by these curved lines (al\ though Victorian plate glass wasn't perfect and may have smaller ripples). Traditionallooking windows without such imperfections may not be as old as you think. > 67

MODEST ORIGINS, MODERN VALUE

often worth around £50 each.

Again, beware modern imitations, such as those dotted among ordinary panes in the bay

Thick, knobbly bullseye panes were the remnants of handblown glass taken from the centre of the disc, where it made contact with the glassblowing rod. Essentially waste material, they were once the stuff of lowly

cottages, potting sheds and garden privies—but are now increasingly rare and

windows of tea rooms. They are thin and moulded, so have no concentric ripples.

Many date from a midzoth-century love of oldfashioned (though clumsily made) designs.

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GEORGIAN OR VICTORIAN TERRACE? Take one terrace of houses built before 1840 and one after. You should find that the front doors of the earlier terrace are separated by windows and are never side by side, whereas the doors on the later properties will be adjacent.

One of the main reasons for the change is that the Victorians grew tired of Georgian basement kitchens, preferring better-ventilated ground-floor kitchens at the rear. Kitchens were set side-to-side with a neighbouring one, the pair forming a kitchen "block", with a broad yard between each block to "scour the air". Front doors were then arranged in a corresponding side by side fashion.

68

READER'S DIGEST • JULY

During the i8th century, pineapples popped up on the gateposts of houses on both sides of the Atlantic.

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HOW OLD IS YOUR SASH?

tures signified hospitality —early travellers to the Caribbean were greeted with fresh pineapples after long voyages spent eating dried foods. Across the Atlantic seaboard in Britain, pineapples outside houses promised a similarlywarm welcome. They can also be found on Quaker meeting houses, the choice of a spiritual order that rejected traditional religious imagery.

The most spectacular example of a pineapple is the 45-foot-high stone structure that adorns a folly in Dunmore Park, near Falkirk, Scotland.

I

Britain's distinctive sash window probably dates from the1670s.

It dominated house-building for two centuries, until the nostalgic reintroduction of casements and i II III lb' leaded windows offered variety 0! after about 1880.

There are two ways to gauge Illlll I II the date of a sash. Firstly, the 11 thicker the glazing bars, the earlier the window. They grew Ii slender after about1750, reducing from some i to 0.5 inches. !I111111 Nineteenth-century bars may be only 0.3 inches. Secondly, in IW II the 18thcentury panes were arranged "six-over-six." But after ikllill il ti ll larger, plate-glass panes were introduced in the184os, sashes 111111111a m111111 became two-over-two and, by 1900, one-over-one. > 11111

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READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

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UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS In the 17th century, staircases were "closed string"; that is,the outside ends of the steps making up the side of the staircase were concealed and braced by a moulded diagonal length of timber. This is the "string", and on it sat the turned balusters.

In the earlyi8th century, we developed a preference for a lighter, more elegant form of construction and hid the stairs' supports beneath the open ends of the steps (hence "open string"). Balusters became thinner to suggest greater elegance. Modern banisters are thinner still.

FLOWER POWER Old timber houses often carry apotropaic devices (intended to ward off evil) or "witch marks". These scratches in beams and lintels warded off evil spirits 70

that would try to enter the house through any opening—a concern that grew in the 17th century.

Many witch marks relate to the Virgin Mary, such as a capital "M" with a circle

at its head. The Sussex marigold (pictured) is a six-petalled flower in a circle, carved onto chimney pieces and door frames, usually in south-east England. The marigold was associated with Mary in Christian stories.

Shouldyou find one of these marks on your fireplace, the chances are there will be a boot or cat buried beneath the hearth slab. These offerings to the spirit world provided extra protection to keep the chimney opening safe.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

MORE THAN A LICK OF PAINT Medieval Italian paintings of cityscapes often show houses as fantastically coloured boxes of grey-blue, white or orange.

These colours are essentially accurate—and that's how it was in Britain, too. Look at a protected area (behind a drainpipe or a sheltered corner) of a-16thor 17th-century brick house and you'll often see traces of white, red, or grey paint.

The scratches in beams and lintels warded off evil spirits

If it was applied in one red coat it was called "ruddling", made from the same ochre used to mark sheep. In grander buildings you'd have seen "pencilling" (from penicillus, the Latin for brush). This was applied in three layers: first a coat of red ruddle; then blue-grey brick faces arranged in diamond patterns; lastly, mortar courses were painted white.

Asyou can imagine, the sheer effort behind all this made even basic maintenance impractical and, today, a few vestiges of colour are often all that remain.

WHY FANLIGHTS? One of the most distinctive characteristics of 18th- and 19th-century houses is that small window over the front door: the fanlight.

The name was settled on around the middle of the i8th century—by which time they usually took the form of a fan with rounded edges, like half a slice of orange.

Although their geometry naturally fitted beneath a strong arch, they were invented in the middle of the 17th century as small rectangular windows. At that time, we tired of houses just one room deep and preferred squarer, two-room designs, or "double-pile" plans. The central front door then led to the back door via a windowless corridor, so the fanlight was introduced to light it.

Jonathan Foyle's new series, Scaling Britain, is on BBC2 in the autumn.

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

71

WHY CAN'T YOU GET THE TREATMENT YOU NEED? There's a really effective, cutting-edge treatment foryour condition. It's just thatyou might not know about it. And neither might your doctor. Why? Diabetes ruled the Double family's life.

Both Joseph,13, and ll-year-old Thomas have the life-threatening condition and, until recently, their days were an endless treadmill of injections, pinprick blood tests and calculating carbohydrates and insulin. Their mother Jacqui had to watch what the boys ate and when, in a vain bid to avoid the hypoglycemic attacks that assailed them two or three times a day when their blood-glucose levels fluctuated wildly.

Thomas had been known to lie rigid on the floor screaming with his eyes rolling, at risk of brain damage. The family, from Whitstable in Kent, had given up many of their favourite activities, including swimming lessons.

"I went from being a mum to being a nurse for my children," says Jacqui.

Injecting her sons was bad enough, but the stress of keeping them alive was worse: "The knowledge that you may wake up and your child might be dead, the toll that takes on you, that's what causes the most damage."

All that changed in March 2008 when Joseph and Thomas received insulin pumps, recommended by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (Nice) for adults and children with type 1 diabetes whose blood-glucose levels remain unstable even with daily injections.

These tiny pumps, the size of a small mobile phone, calculate and deliver the

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING 72

DIAGRAM BY ACUTEGRAPHICS.COM

amount of insulin the patient needs. to change the way their clinics are The boys' blood-glucose levels are now organised to provide them. Sometimes under control, and for the first time in doctors don't want to take on a PCT years they are happy and healthy, enjoy- that doesn't routinely fund the treatment. And sometimes patients who ing school, sport and friendships.

But, incredibly, the boys' local diabe- could benefit are misdiagnosed.

"It's frustrating," says Nice chief extes clinic never even mentioned insulin ecutive Sir Andrew pumps; Jacqui only found Dillon, "because we know out about them after joinOft en, that using whatever we ing an internet support doc tors are recommending in the group. It took a two-year struggle for her primary don't know circumstances that we recommended it procare trust (PCT) to agree abou t the have duces better outcomes. It to fund the therapy. Now, having seen the positive treat ments could be life-extending, but more often it simply imeffect, their clinic offers a or d on't proves quality of life." At pump service. under stand the same time, even when implementing guidance is The Doubles' experience the m mandatory, the final deciis not unusual. Cuttingedge medical treatments that have been sion rests with the consultant.

Here are some treatments often proven to work for a variety of common diseases remain difficult to access. As subject to rationing: a result, people suffer unnecessary pain, depression and even death, and it costs more in the long term.

Yet this time, Nice—often the villain when it rules drugs to be not costeffective—is the good guy. It commissions reviews of treatments, offering Insulin pump guidelines for doctors and PCTs. Some WHAT IS IT? Also known as continureviews, known as technology apprais- ous subcutaneous insulin infusion, it als, require funding to be made avail- offers better diabetes control and—as able within three months; others simply the Doubles found—makes patients less advise on safety and efficacy. But all too likely to be admitted to hospital or to often, Nice-approved treatments—in suffer serious complications. Diabetes particular new medical technologies— can lead to heart attack, stroke, amputations, kidney failure and blindness. are subject to a postcode lottery.

"If you take a long-term view, it's It's not just about money. Often, doctors don't know about the treatments, very cost-effective," says Dr David Kerr don't understand them or would have of the Bournemouth Diabetes and 74

READER'S DIGEST' JULY '1c,

Endocrine Centre. Yet according to the pressure group Input, which aims to improve access to pumps, only about four per cent of people with type 1 diabetes in the UK use one. Compare that with most other EU countries, where around 20 per cent benefit.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? It's the

doctors, Dr Kerr argues. He blames "a lack of willingness and training". There aren't enough diabetes nurses and dieticians either, so many centres can't offer the follow-up service required.

And some doctors are put off by bad experiences 30 years ago, not realising the technology has moved on.

While it's mandatory that PCTs fund pumps for patients who meet the criteria in the Nice guidance, a lot of consultants don't want to get involved in funding applications to cash-strapped PCTs. The situation is particularly bad in Scotland.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? For more

on pump clinics and pump therapy, see input.me.uk or call 0800 228 9977.

Pacemaker WHAT IS IT? This implantable heart

device monitors the heart for rhythm problems, which it corrects by sending out an electrical signal. It's used when the heart beats too slowly or erratically.

Untreated, heart rhythm disorders—or READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

arrhythmia—can cause cardiac death, killing 100,000 Britons every year.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? Many arrhythmias—especially those characterised by fainting (syncope)—are misdiagnosed. According to Trudie Lobban, chief executive of the Syncope Trust and Reflex Anoxic Seizure, 80 per cent of fatalities could be avoided if only the heart problem had been detected and a heart-rhythm device fitted.

But doctors often put fainting fits down to tiredness or a virus, or misdiagnose them as epilepsy. Elderly people who pass out and break bones end up in orthopaedic wards where the cause is not investigated.

According to Dr Adam Fitzpatrick, consultant cardiologist at Manchester Royal Infirmary, the rate of pacemaker implantation in the UK is 460 per million of the population—in France, Germany, Italy and the Netherlands, it's more than 1,000 per million. It's the same for implantable cardioverterdefibrillators (ICDs), which give a lifesaving shock to restore a fast heart rate to normal. We are fourth from bottom in Europe for ICD implantation.

"Patients who should receive heartrhythm devices are not being referred for them," says Dr Kirkpatrick.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? If you suffer from palpitations, a fluttering heart or blackouts, see your doctor. "Anyone who has had unexplained loss of consciousness should see a specialist and have an ECG," says Trudie Lobban.

Taking your pulse regularly to check 75

that it's not less than 60 and not more than100 beats a minute on average could also alert you to arrhythmia. For more, go to heartrhythmcharity.org.uk.

3

Deep-brain stimulation WHAT IS IT? DBS is a type of surgery that has a good record in patients who no longer respond to drugs prescribed to stop the tremors, rigidity and other motor problems caused by Parkinson's and other neurological movement disorders. It's also shown promising results for epilepsy and depression. An electrical device is implanted in the brain to deliver minute stimulation to the areas that control symptoms.

It's a therapy rather than a cure, but, according to Dr Shazia Javed, neurosurgery research fellow at Frenchay Hospital in Bristol, motor symptoms suffered by people with Parkinson's can improve by as much as 80 per cent. For "primary" dystonia—where patients experience involuntary muscle spasms because of a genetic defect—the success rate can be 90 per cent.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? "Referring

specialists are not aware of the degree to which lives can be improved," says Dr Javed. "In addition, delaying the referral means that often the disease has progressed to a degree where they 76

are no longer suitable for treatment."

Nice concluded there was adequate evidence on the safety and efficacy of DBS to justify its use for Parkinson's, essential tremor and dystonia. But it's only suitable for between two and four per cent of people with Parkinson's, as it requires patients to be drug resistant— but not too resistant—have a reasonable degree of mobility and no dementia.

It's also expensive—£30,000—so many PCTs won't stump up the money.

Bristol is a case in point. Ireland sends all patients requiring DBS to Frenchay, but disabled people living just down the road can't access it.

But Dr Javed argues that it provides an extra five to ten years' good quality of life. "We often have disabled patients who require carers, costing a lot more than the surgery," she says. "Also, a lot of these people's carers are spouses or kids. You're taking away huge sections of society to look after them."

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Find out more about DBS at parkinsons.org.uk. The Dystonia Society (dystonia.org.uk) has a list of centres that offer it.

■

Uterine fibroid embolisation WHAT IS IT? UFE—also known as uterine artery embolisation—is used to treat fibroids that cause pain and heavy READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

menstrual bleeding. Tiny particles of polyvinyl alcohol or gelatin are injected into the uterine arteries to block off the blood supply, causing the benign tumours to shrink and die. The recovery time is much faster than for the favoured treatment, hysterectomy. What's more, there's no loss of fertility and usually no early menopause. Some women have successfully gone on to have children.

Dr Nigel Cowan, an Oxford-based interventional radiologist, credits it with a success rate of 85 to 90 per cent.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? Nice guidelines state that where surgery is necessary, UFE, hysterectomy and myomectomy—another procedure to remove fibroids—"must all be considered, discussed and documented". But Ginette Camps-Walsh, the founder of not-for-profit Fibroid Embolisation: Information, Support and Advice (FEmISA), says she receives emails from women weekly saying they have only been offered hysterectomy.

"There's no point in Nice doing quite sensible and in-depth reviews if no one takes any notice," says Ginette.

"About a third of hysterectomies— more than 30,000 a year—are for uterine fibroids, so there are vast numbers of women who could benefit from UFE," adds Dr Cowan. "But it's performed in radiology, whereas the patient gets referred to gynaecology." Radiology does not feature prominently in medical schools, from where the majority of graduates go on to be GPs. UFE is also regarded as new, even though it's been around since the mid1990s. "It's now quite generally accepted that it's a clinically useful procedure," Dr Cowan stresses. "But the health service is a huge organisation and implementing change is very difficult."

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Ask your GP or gynaecologist to refer you to an interventional radiologist. For help and a list of the 60-plus centres that perform UFE, go to femisa.org.uk.

Political incorrectness on the fairway With the Open Championship just around the corner (see p29),you might want to brush up on your golfing vocabulary. But while terms such as "birdie", "eagle"

or "albatross"are well known, certain others aren't quite as mainstream.

A Vinnie Jones—a nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Salman Rushdie—a difficult read A Tony Blair—too much spin A Jamie Oliver—you really want to smack it but you can't A Glenn Miller—didn't make it over the water A Jean-Marie Le Pen—a long way right An Anna Kournikova—looks great, but doesn't get a result

READER'S DIGEST

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77

An arncyy.alni barracks *1 four stuck, died. No forrfig investigatiorCZ A government " cover-up. Now, fifteen years later, Brian Cathcart asks:

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Des James's daughter Cheryl was found dead at Deepcut barracks in 1995

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few years ago an educational establishment in the

Home Counties got out of control. The students—of both sexes, in their late teens—tended to be academically very weak. Most were away from home for the first time, so were vulnerable.

There weren't enough teachers, so students were often idle and bored. Of the staff they had, a number were grossly unsuitable. Some were bullies and some exploited their positions for sexual advantage—for a spell, two convicted sex offenders worked in the gym.

Though many students were under 18, alcohol was a problem; one regular visitor said the place was like Glasgow on a Saturday night—every night. Sex between students was banned, but it was rife. Once, when the grounds were raked, 800 used condoms were found.

Predictably, some students were desperately unhappy, yet procedures to support them were sketchy at best.

Some withdrew, some failed and quite a few resorted to self-harm.

And there was worse. All students in this unruly establishment were required to work long, dull night shifts, and on these occasions they were normally issued with loaded firearms.

Between 1995 and 2002, four students died of gunshot wounds.

You have probably heard about the scandal at Deepcut, the Royal Logistic

Corps training establishment in Surrey, 8o

although maybe not in those terms. If the name has come your way recently, it was probably the Ministry of Defence insisting that the whole thing has been investigated and the matter is closed.

This is not true. What went wrong at Deepcut has never been properly investigated, and a whole new chapter is about to begin.

In a small, tidy office in a bungalow near Oswestry, by the border between England and Wales, a 61-year-old man with a bulldog demeanour and a character to match sits reading papers and writing emails.

Des James used to be human resources director at Tetrapak. A few months ago he retired and, with characteristic determination, promptly shed several extra stone in weight that he had been carrying around for years.

He is fit, ready and, 15 years after his beloved daughter Cheryl was found shot in the head at Deepcut, he is impatient for the new chapter to begin.

"I don't care if it's been 15 years or 50 years. I'm not doing this for my own good," he says. "I don't want to be doing it at all, but a fundamental principle is at stake. If four kids can be shot and killed in an army training establishment and there is no proper inquiry, what does that say about justice and honesty in this country?"

As he warms to the subject he jabs his finger downward, marking familiar bullet points. He wants to know how his daughter and three other young recruits died. He wants to know how an

PREVIOUS SPREAD PHOTOGRAPHED BY GARY CALTON

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SOME STUDENTS WITHDREW SOME FAILED AND QUITE ANEW RESORTED TO SELF-HARM

PETER MAC DIARMID/ GETT Y IMAGES

establishment controlled by the Government "went so terribly, terribly wrong".

And he wants to know who was responsible, and see them called to account.

If you were the parent of a teenager

who died in such circumstances, you would expect nothing less. But from the day the scandal erupted in 2002, Des James, his wife Doreen, and the families of the three other recruits have found the path to truth littered with deliberately placed official obstacles.

It is a hallmark of the case that the basic fact from which it all springs— that four recruits died of gunshot READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

wounds in one army camp—was not made public by any official body, but was dug up by journalists. All four families had been officially left to think that their child was the only one.

From then to now, year in year out, the experience has been much the same. "I feel as though it's a strategic government objective," says Des James.

"They will do everything to ensure that there is no independent inquiry into what happened."

That may be about to change. In a new

effort to establish the truth, lawyers representing the Jameses and the 81

PHOTOGRAPHED BY GARY C ALTON

family of Sean Benton (who died in Deepcut a few months before Cheryl James) are demanding the release of all the police documents about the case. If they don't get what they want they are prepared to go to court—where they are convinced they will win.

Everybody knows that thousands of documents exist, mostly stored in a hangar somewhere in Surrey. They chronicle a long series of investigations into the deaths and the camp, but have never been opened up to the families or their lawyers.

There have been excuses aplenty: witness statements are confidential; the documents are the property of the coroner; the press might make improper use of the papers. They are not arguments calculated to impress parents who have lost a child.

And what do these documents show?

"That's the whole point: we don't know," says Des James. "How can we know?"

But they have some ideas. Back in 2004, such was the pressure from the families and the public that the Government commissioned the Blake Review. The families would not be allowed to see the documents, ministers announced, but Nicholas Blake, a respected barrister, would. Working behind closed doors, Blake would draw the appropriate conclusions about the deaths and the barracks.

Blake's findings, when they appeared in 2006, proved to be a government propaganda coup. The deaths were probably suicides, he said, and nobody was to blame.

READER'S DIGEST

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ut the families could see serious problems. One was that

Blake wasn't a proper independent inquiry in which evidence was publicly tested by lawyers representing all the relevant interests, including the families. Another was that Blake's conclusions often seemed dramatically at odds with the information he revealed in his 400-page review.

Here are two examples, from hundreds. Blake described a shocking catalogue of evidence showing that Sean Benton was bullied at Deepcut—yet he concluded that Benton's death was not related in any way to bullying. (A tall young man, Benton lost well over three stone in his six months in the army and weighed just 8st 71b at post-mortem.

Why? Blake did not ask.)

Blake also stressed Cheryl James's "history of self-harm" as evidence that she probably took her own life. But he didn't make clear that this "history" was limited to a single incident when, as a 15-year-old schoolgirl, she claimed to have taken five paracetamol. The doctor didn't even think it was worth treating her.

It's not surprising, then, that the families reject the Blake Review entirely and are desperate to see all the police documents themselves.

And their determination has only increased in recent weeks thanks to a new revelation: the resident doctor at Deepcut at the time of the first two deaths, Alexandra McClenahan, was 83

The demand for documents is a start,

but the drive to reopen the Deepcut case does not stop there. Plans are also in hand to reopen the inquests into three of the four deaths, on the legal grounds of "insufficiency of inquiry".

These inquests were hurried, and none took account of the fact that there were other, very similar deaths. Nor did the families have legal representation to safeguard their interests.

Des James recalls driving from the Welsh borders with Doreen through a blizzard and arriving to find that proceedings had begun without them. It was just three weeks since Cheryl's death and three days before Christmas, he says, and they were both "out of it".

"We had no advice," he says. "We just did what we were told. We could have had the whole thing adjourned, but nobody told us."

So passed the best opportunity they have had to probe the circumstances of their daughter's death. The Bentons and Grays tell similar stories—it's little 84

THOSE WHO DIED Sean Benton, 20, from Hastings, Kent.

Found dead June 9, 1995, with five bullets to his chest.

6 Cheryl James, 18, from Llangollen, Clwyd. lirl, Found dead November 27, 1995, single bullet &LI to the head.

Geoff Gray, 17, from Seaham, Durham.

Found dead September 17, 2001, two bullets to the head.

L-.A.Ak• James Collinson, r 17, from Perth.

Found dead March 22, 2002, single bullet to the head.

1

wonder that they want new inquests.

Beyond that, however, lies the biggest prize, which is a full public inquiry. The families' legal teams— recently reinforced by two barristers acting pro bono—are in no doubt that they can go to court and force the Home Office to order an inquiry.

The grounds are straightforward: the deaths of people in public care (as army recruits are) have to be properly investigated, and neither the inquests nor the Blake Review amount to proper investigations.

It won't be next week or next month, but things are moving in the Deepcut case. And the families also see advantage in the change of government. The READER'S DIGEST • JULY

SUPPLIEDBYPR ESSASSOCIA TI ONIMAGES

highly critical of the way the barracks was run and called it "a volcano waiting to erupt".

Her evidence, it seems, had been hidden in the police files since 2002, and had never been made public. Even more alarmingly for Des and Doreen James, Dr McClenahan is also reported to have visited the scene of their daughter's death and expressed a suspicion that there was something wrong with the way the body and the gun were lying.

No hint of this was made public.

Labour administration fought them stubbornly, but the Liberal Democrats, partners in our new coalition, are longtime supporters of the families and their calls for a full inquiry

S

o what can it achieve?

Eight years on from the last of the deaths, with Deepcut barracks soon to pass out of army use, what is to be gained from raking over the cold embers of this scandal?

Des James has no doubts. It will be very painful for him, Doreen and the other families. They will have to relive the worst moments of their lives. Their own roles as parents will become the subject of hostile scrutiny. They may learn things about their lost children that they would rather not know.

But they want the truth. They want the evidence tested in public by lawyers

and weighed by an impartial judge. They accept that, given the flaws in the initial investigations and the passage of time, they may never know for certain how their children came to die. But they demand to know what can be known.

More than that, they want the running of Deepcut held up to public scrutiny, and they want those in charge to be held to account. Nicholas Blake blamed nobody—but an army barracks cannot run so badly out of control without someone being responsible.

"Of course it still matters," Des James says. "They're cutting the armed forces today just like they were back in 1993.

They could easily make the same mistakes again unless we learn the lessons of Deepcut. If we want a decent army, we have to sort this out."

He adds: "Yes, eight years have passed since the deaths became known, but we didn't waste those eight years.

The Government did. Are you saying now that we can't have a public inquiry because the Government wasted all that time?"

READER'S DIGEST is available in a talking edition for blind and partially sighted people. Each month, a selection from the magazine is recorded by National Talking Newspapers and Magazines and is available on two audio CDs or cassettes, DAISY disk (compatible with RNIB Talking Book players), MP3 download or digital full text, playable on a computer.

The service is available for a modest annual subscription. For details, contact the National Recording Centre, 10 Browning Road, Heathfield, East Sussex TN21 8DB. Telephone: 01435 866102; email: info@tnauk.org.uk, website: tnauk.org.uk. Donations to National Talking Newspapers and Magazines should be sent to the same address.

the talking

magazine

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85

EVERY HOUSEHOLD in Vietnam seems to have a bike. In Ho Chi Minh City, more than two million ply the streets. Narrow roads and traffic congestion mean bikes are the best way to transport people and an incredible range of goods—from cooking pots (left) to hula hoops

loaded!

JUST HOW MUCH vrIti ("ARTY

VIETNAM'S BIKERS SHOW US HOW IT'S DONE...

PHOTOGRAPHS

BY HANS KEMP

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FAST FOOD? As you can tell from this bike laden with live hens and ducks (above), there's little frozen meat or fish here—it all comes direct from farm, abattoir or dock. Incense (right) is another staple of Vietnamese culture; (above right) schoolgirls in uniform share a ride to class 88

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Wes of Burden, published by Visionary World at £16.99, is available at Amazon.co.uk and in bookshops. Read Hans Kemp's blog at nohansland.com

SOME RIDERS seem totally unfazed by their huge and unwieldy loads.

Fresh produce such as flowers (above) and goldfish (left) are a common sight, while some loads challenge the grip and navigational skills of the riders— check out the mirror (below) and plastic bottles (right)!

91

As the afternoon sun begins to fade, John

McDowall sits with his family and friends, looking out onto sun-dappled Surrey playing fields and He's one of enjoying the last of the day's warmth. It's hard to a more convivial scene—or a scene further Britain's top imagine removed from the pressure of leading Britain's terrorism counterterrorism operation at Scotland Yard. it's not the only striking contrast. Behind experts, but thisButpicture lies a cruel story about a terrible illhers also ness that's struck one of the nation's most senior police officers. Two years ago, aged 50, McDowall fighting a very was diagnosed with motor neurone disease (MND). personal Today, the illness has ravaged his body to such an extent that he's confined to a wheelchair, with war—with limited movement below his neck. his body "The first sign I had that anything was wrong was a mild backache a few years ago that grew into a more severe pain," he explains. "I thought I might have slipped a disc, but I was so busy I didn't get it checked out to start with."

Busy is an understatement. McDowall was leading the hunt for the failed Haymarket bombers, who would go on to commit a terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport.

BY That outrage had followed the devastating attack five years ago on July 7, when the country was ALISON rocked to the core by the worst terrorist atrocity KERVIN ever committed on British soil. Suicide bombers had attacked the capital as commuters poured into London, killing 52 innocent people and injuring around 700.

Commander John McDowall was a senior officer at Scotland Yard at the time, at the forefront of the police operation. Two years later, he was

JOHN McDOWALL'S 92

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

SOLO SYND ICATION

BATTLE

Down but still fighting: John McDdliall with wife Sarah and daughters Izzie (middle) and Rose

promoted to head of learning to cope with counterterrorism at the demands of dayScotland Yard. Late to-day care, as well as in 2007, he finally having to make sigvisited a doctor about nificant changes to his backache and by their home, including early 2008, as the a purpose-built extenr Counter-Terrorism bombs are planted on sion and wet room.

Act was being pushed three trains and a bus in London McDowall's diagthrough parliament, nosis came at an ashe was diagnosed with MND. tonishingly pressurised time in his life.

"I was stunned. The rug was pulled Could the highly stressful work environfrom under me that day. I was never ment have contributed to the developill. I'd taken less than a day a year off ment of his illness? "No one knows, but sick in 30 years of policing. I was a fit it's a possibility. More research is needed 50-year-old man being told I had an into the illness before we know what illness I wouldn't recover from. It didn't `causes' it or how it can be treated and make sense." hopefully cured."

McDowall has a type of MND called Raising money for such research is progressive muscular atrophy. "There's one of McDowall's priorities now He no way of knowing how long I've got. organised a charity event in May to The estimate is around three to five raise money for a trust fund he's creyears from diagnosis, but then you look ated in conjunction with St George's at people like Stephen Hawking; he's Hospital, south London, where he's defied all the odds. One person a day is been treated. diagnosed with it in this country—at any McDowall first joined the Met in one time around 5,000 people have it." 1980. He says the place was unrecognisable back then from the service Within a year of diagnosis, McDowall that exists today. "It was very like Ashes had lost the use of his legs. The move- to Ashes. I always laugh when I watch ment in his arms went six months after that programme because it captures that. His illness has meant his family a substantial part of what it was like have had to adapt to his changing needs, at that time. I was a graduate and I 94

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

NATIONALPICTURES

"I was a fit 50-year-old man I wouldn't recover from.

J OH NN YG REEN/ PRES SASSO CIATIO NIMAG ES

being told I had an illness It didn't ma Ke sense' think people thought, What's a graduate doing in the police?

It's all changed now, of course, but 30 years ago you were judged on how many arrests you made. I remember being away from work for a week when I was taking my sergeant's exam. I got back and was questioned on why I didn't make any arrests that week."

McDowall moved into counterterrorism in 2005, the year of the July bombings, and has seen the operation at Scotland Yard grow incredibly quickly.

Before the terrorist attacks on the Twin Towers there were around 100 police officers in British anti-terrorism. Now, there are 1,500 police and civilian staff in London alone.

There have also been changes in the

nature of anti-terrorism work while he's been in office. "A few years ago it was thought there was an al-Qaeda core directed by bin Laden; now the threat is more complicated. It's factionalised and regionalised. There are terrorist elements, some aligned to al-Qaeda, in countries around the globe.

North Africa, Nigeria and Somalia are READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

three places where there are worrying signs of emerging extremist activity. In addition, there are other organisations operating in places such as the Philippines and Indonesia.

The terrorist groups exist like a web across the world, many of them linked to and learning from each other.

"Then there's the domestic threat of right-wing extremism and signs of a slight resurgence of terrorism in Northern Ireland. I can't see this particular phase in history being a brief one because there's too much resentment around the globe and there are too many different groups with the potential to cause chaos."

McDowall says the terrorist threat has never flatlined. "On any given day we're actively investigating threats and uncovering aspects of operational activity. Where we're unable to secure evidence, we may have to settle for disrupting their activity. There's this iceberg effect: there's the bit above the iceberg, which is what the public sees because of the arrests that take place; then there's below the waterline, 95

which is a lot of dispoint", but despite the ruptive activity such pressure this placed as the seizing of assets. on McDowall and What's above or below his team, the focus the waterline changes remained on finding as time goes by. the group of commit"Terrorists are peoted terrorists "on the ple who are operating the Olympics run" and he's pleased outside the law and that all those believed —"a major logistical challenge" with a skewed moral to be responsible for compass. They are criminals, and to the attempted bombings on July 21 were paint them as anything else gives them identified and prosecuted. a dignity they don't deserve. They have Following his diagnosis in March a warped view that allows them to be- 2008, McDowall was able to carry on lieve that violence is a way forward. It's working in anti-terrorism until just a not, and they have to be stopped, but couple of months ago; the Met made when they are operating so far out of changes to his office and working enthe law and we're operating within it, vironment. "I can't fault the support it can be difficult. Also, they are much I've been given. The response from more aware of surveillance now, and everyone I've dealt with in the Met and it's important that we're able to stay security services has been incredible," one step ahead of them." he says. "I have a staff officer and driver.

It would be impossible to work without One of the most difficult times in them. I'm not saying it's been easy. I McDowall's career was the shooting of can understand why some people want jean Charles de Menezes at London's to go to the clinic in Switzerland for Stockwell tube station in 2005. McDow- assisted suicide, but I'd like to persuade all was "gold" commander that day. "The people there's another way. fact that we killed an innocent person, "It's only your body that's failing. which is the opposite of everything Your mind still works. If I can stop a we're set up to achieve, was terrible, person having negative thoughts or tell horrifying. Truly horrific." someone life's worth living, that would He describes it as a "desperately low make me happy."

96

READER'S DIGEST JULY ',o

STUARTCLARKE/ REX FEATURES

"The fact that we killed an the opposite of everything

innocent person, which is we're set up for, was horrific" McDowall stepped down from his top job in April and is now counterterrorism adviser for the 2012 London Olympics. "It presents a major logistical challenge because you've got one key event that's like a magnet. We have to be prepared for people who will see it as an opportunity to make headlines

SnapScho

for their perceived cause. It's a job that has to be done well and thoroughly. It's a huge challenge and I like that." > If you'd like to donate to the John McDowall Bursary at St George's Hospital, go to virginmoneygiving.com/ johnmcdowallbursary.

Fears of Parents & Young People

by Ben Schott

When it comes to the safety of children, parents most commonly fear strangers and paedophiles, while young people worry primarily about gangs and knife crime, according to research by what was the Department for Children, Schools and Families. Below are the top safety fears listed by both groupst: Parents & carers of 5-17s % worried Strangers/paedophiles 50 Bullying 39 Accidents outside the home 37 Smoking/drinking/drugs 27 Anti-social behaviour* 24 Harmful/inappropriate content 11 Sexual activity/STDs/pregnancy. 10 Internet safety 9 Accidents in the home 6 Stress/depression/self-harm 6

Young people 12-17 % worried Gangs/knife crime 34 Strangers/paedophiles 20 Anti-social behaviour* 20 Bullying 16 Accidents outside the home 13 Accidents in the home 6 Stress/depression/self-harm 5 Sexual activity/STDs/pregnancy... 3 Harmful/inappropriate content . . . 3 Internet safety 2

t When asked to name any fear, unprompted. # Includes fighting, threatening behaviour, etc.

Ben Schott is author of Schott's Almanac • www.bensthotr.com

READER'S DIGEST

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97

Mind how you move your arms—your career prospects, or even your relationship, may rest on a new way of reading your personality

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BY AL

In the boardroom of one of Europe's leading advertising agencies, two senior managers are discussing a pending reshuffle of the managerial team. A few feet away, another man with a camera records the conversation, focusing on the movements of the younger employee, a recent recruit. As the man relaxes and explains what qualities he can offer, his movements become more spontaneous and expressive.

The video operator makes diagrams and calculations, noting how the younger manager leans backwards and forwards or rises from his chair, the extent to which he either contracts or expands his abdomen, how frequently JOHNER IMAGES/ALAMY

he shifts his position and how vigorously he illustrates his comments with arm and upper-body movements. After two hours the session ends.

Several days later the video and written notes of the young manager's movements have been decoded and the findings delivered to the agency's head.

That week, he's promoted to the position of senior manager.

What the report revealed is that the new recruit is a man of high ambition, motivated to dig out as much new information as possible about a project, and willing to share his findings with colleagues before decisively implementing a plan of action. Crucially, these qualities of dynamism are exactly 99

what's needed to balance and strengthen the senior management team.

HOW DID THEY REACH THAT DECISION? The profile of the new manager is based on one of the most comprehensive personality assessment systems of recent years. The principles of movement pattern analysis (MPA) were developed in Britain in the 1940s by the Hungarian movement analyst and dance notator Rudolf Laban, then expanded in the 1950s by Laban's former student Warren Lamb as a management consultancy tool in the corporate world.

Many behaviour analysts estimate that up to 80 per cent of human communication is non-verbal. But, according to Lamb, the shifting, overlapping and melding processes of movement should not be confused with more popular forms of "body language" said to reveal the deeper meaning behind our static postures and gestures.

"MPA is about a person's integrated movement, which uses the body as a

whole, especially the pelvis and trunk," says Lamb. "Trying to gauge someone's behaviour from crossed arms or a tapping foot is futile because these are isolated gestures that indicate absence of movement. Noting that someone's keeping their legs crossed isn't an observation of movement but of stillness.

What counts is how the person arrived at this position."

Lamb and his colleagues believe that our constantly changing "posture/ gesture mergers"—the processes linking one body movement to the next— convey a unique "body signature".

Profiling is a way of joining up the invisible dots linking every posture and gesture to another. The resulting patterns are as fundamental to our identity as our fingerprints or DNA, says Lamb.

He suggests visualising our joints and limbs emitting a vapour trail, like a highflying aircraft against a blue sky: "The vapour trails illustrate a person's intrinsic patterns of movement."

The unique aspect of MPA is its capacity to indicate how a person acts

analysingworld leaders Recently, Warren Lamb has acted as a consultant to the Ministry of Defence and the US Defense Department. His analyses of world leaders— including Kim Jong-il, Muammar al-Gaddafi, 100

Vladimir Putin, Dmitry Medvedev and Hugo Chavez—based largely on videotape, were commissioned by the US Naval War College.

Lamb's findings, which are top secret,

so impressed the UK and US defence authorities that MPA is now the subject of ongoing research as a means of understandingthe behaviour of the world's most powerful individuals.

and interacts with other people at all points of decision-making, at work or home. We all recognise such obvious traits in others as dynamism, impulsiveness and snap decision-making—the classic "human dynamo"; or fastidiousness, deliberation and hesitation— the typical "dependable plodder". But the discovery that these traits can be identified from how we move is relatively recent.

HOW IS MOVEMENT ASSESSED? According to MPA, all decision-making —whether you're choosing what to cook for supper or when to launch a new product—consists of three distinct phases identified by Rudolf Laban and Warren Lamb.

The first "attention" phase involves ferreting out information, investigating the facts and doing all the homework necessary to assess a situation.

The second "intention" phase consists of weighing up the pros and cons of different possible courses of action,

determining which route to take, then deciding how to act.

Once a person has made that decision, whether to book a holiday, hire or fire an employee, or launch a new business, he or she enters the final "commitment" stage. It is time to act, and the way in which they carry out their decision— perhaps single-mindedly, with little thought for what might go wrong, or slowly and hesitantly, seeking feedback from others—determines the outcome of the process.

MPA reveals that each of us has a "preferred" phase, to which we devote most of our energy and time and which determines the style in which we act and take decisions.

Apart from identifying that a person has, say, a "high commitment" profile, with a tendency to act first and rationalise later, or a "high investigating" profile, with little energy going into the final action, MPA also reveals our adaptability to changing circumstances and whether we share our decision-making with others or prefer to act alone—a >

Using movement pattern analysis to judge our leaders could revolutionise the world of politics.

(From left) Kim Jong-il, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Vladimir Putin, Dmitry Medvedev and Hugo Chavez

KCNA/PHOTOSHOT; ITAR-TASS/GRIGORY SYSOYEV/PHOTOSHOT; RIA NOVOSTI/ALAMY; KEITH DANNEMILLER/ALAMY; ALLSTARPL/ALAMY

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your own signature relatively hard to recognise our own movement "signature" or even that of those close to us. However, Warren Lamb advises that just by becoming more aware of how we move, we can improve the quality of communication. "Once you become sensitive to your own integrated movement,you become aware of the other person's. That

> useful insight for finding the right person for the job.

ISN'T THIS JUST ANOTHER MANAGEMENT CONSULTANCY GIMMICK? No. MPA is based on rigorous research dating back to early time-and-motion studies on the shopfloor of British factories, including those of Dunlop and Mars during the 1940s and 1950s. By studying how workers moved on the assembly line and how this influenced their productivity and physical state, Laban found that giving workers "corrective" movement classes to relieve them of physical pressures improved productivity. Women workers who were trained during the Second World War to adopt different movement rhythms could comfortably take on 102

leads to improvement in all relationships."

The main qualities that determine our profile are the amount of effort, speed, direction, control or relaxation that go into our movements.

Some people only use a limited range of movement; others display a broad spectrum, sometimes even displaying different overlapping movement "styles" in short

heavier jobs previously carried out by men.

Lamb transferred his focus to upper and middle management, where he discovered that, in the course of an interview, each person displayed a repeated and characteristic way of moving. To his surprise, this matched a manager's own explanation of his or her preferred style of working, carrying out tasks and achieving their goals.

HOW EARLY ARE BODY MOVEMENT PATTERNS FORMED? Integrated movement develops throughout childhood, only becoming fully formed by the late teens. These movement patterns can't be altered or imitated: in studies where people adopted uncharacteristic behaviour to convey a false impression, their movements READER'S DIGEST • JULY ',o

I MAGESOURCE

The complex and hidden code of movement pattern analysis makes it

periods—indicating dynamism and assertiveness, an instinct to keep many challenges and tasks on the go at once.

As a rule, the more varied the speed of our actions, the more likely we are to act promptly, methodically and competitively.

Switching frequently from sharp, direct movements to more meandering, circuitous ones indicates an analytical and probing approach to decisionmaking. Variations in the degree of pressure, delicacy, control and relaxation in movements reveal determination, purposefulness

soon became stilted and clumsy. (When Warren Lamb profiled Sir Lawrence Olivier in three different plays, Lamb found that although the actor's postures and gestures altered to suit the roles, his integrated movements remained consistent throughout.)

Not surprisingly, we express more integrated movement patterns when discussing topics that interest us. In a typical two-hour MPA interview, most people display about 200-250 sequences of similar or identical posture/gesture clusters. Throughout an average day, we will express our body signature in some way, even while asleep. Activities carried out daily—teeth-brushing, shaving, applying make-up—illustrate how such movements become a ritual.

Integrated movements don't change as we age and may only be altered by severe illness, injury or mental READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

and a need to be at the hub of activity at work.

A less obvious but key feature of MPA is how we shift position in the kinesphere: the 3D space "bubble" surroundingthe body. This spatial shape is defined by openingthe chest and arms as in greeting, or closing them as in an embrace; rising and falling, contracting or stretching; and moving backwards and forwards.

Some of us may create fewer or very limited shapes. In contrast, a full range of shapes corresponds to the desire to explore alternatives, bring fresh perspectives and anticipate the outcome of one's actions.

illness. (Recent studies in Germany suggest that women suffering severe depression, or the inability to express or describe emotion, display almost no movement patterns.)

WHO'S USING MPA? By providing an accurate profile of the strengths and weaknesses of each person's decision-making style, MPA is proving useful not only for job recruitment, team restructuring and careers advice, but also for personal development and relationship counselling.

So far, MPA profiles have been created of more than 30,000 men and women in over 30 countries, and have been used by many major companies in Britain and the US to help strengthen teamwork. Perhaps it's an approach our new coalition government might think about taking on board? ■ 103

The nine times I nearly died

BY BENEDICT ALLEN There's a lot to recommend my job. You meet interesting people, have a challenging work environment, get lots of fresh air.

But at times it's also undeniably dangerous. So why does anyone choose to become an adventurer—or anything else that puts their life on the line? The answer in my case seems to be that, at least in the early days, I didn't accept that I was seriously at risk. Just like every other How would youngster I thought I was immortal. you like this Obini The fact that I carried on taking warrior chasing you? risks, though, could be because my father was a test pilot and so I've inherited a "fearlessness" gene.

Or so you'd think. But, actually, to be fearful is good: it's what makes you careful.

(And I've survived 50 years, so I must be doing something right.) In fact, I'd say it's rather that I have my dad's ability to think clearly in a crisis. I set off sure in the know-ledge that I'm good at getting out of trouble. And although as a

105

professional you plan against mishaps, the truth is that you also slightly hope for them. These are the times when you are tested, when you feel most alive.

So here are the nine times when I think it's fair to say I nearly died, ranked according to how scary I found them, from the least to the most frightening.

Interestingly, the nine incidents come out in almost chronological order—the older I was at the time, the more frightening I found the experience. That's what age does to us, perhaps. The exception is the last incident: the only one that continually haunts me. Yet it was the most mundane of all.

One. Escaping from gold miners (oh yes, and eating my companion) I was just 22, paddling a dugout canoe through the Amazon with two Indian guides. Rounding a river bend deep in the forest, we came across a couple of scrawny miners living in a primitive shack. They invited us to rest for a while, but soon opened a bottle of cheap rum and began persuading my guides to stay and pan for gold for them.

They were going to become rich, they kept saying—though it was pretty obvious they were going to end up as slave labour.

Things came to a head when I tried to get the Indians to sober up and leave with me. The gold miners, drunk themselves, began waving their machetes around, threatening me. That night I 106

lay in my hammock wondering how the situation was going to end. This was a place with no law and order and I was utterly trapped—surrounded by jungle, and with only a large canoe I couldn't handle alone. There was no way out.

In the darkness I then heard one man say, "Let's slit his throat." Next thing, the miners were creeping up on me. I could even see the glint of a knife blade. There was nothing to do but grab my boots and run. I sprinted to my canoe and launched off into the darkness—but it wasn't long before I capsized. I found myself on the river bank, having lost almost everything.

I looked around. Now that I was by myself, the forest seemed a suffocating place. Vegetation was all around me.

Insects screamed in my ears. I remember feeling lonely: all these life forms belonged here, but not me. However, I'd salvaged a few items and around my waist I still had my survival kit, containing fishing hooks, matches and a compass. And then I was joined by

ALL PICTURES COURTESY OF BENEDICT ALLEN

In the darkness I heard one man say, "Let's slit his throat." Next thing, the miners were creeping up on me

my dog Cashoe. I'd adopted him a few months before in an Indian village, and we'd become travelling companions.

Sooner or later I was intending to find him a good home. Now, as I stood alone in the jungle, it was a huge comfort to have him with me. I thought, We're going to do this together—get out alive. We walked off through the undergrowth, heading north-east, the direction of the nearest road.

Day after day our friendship grew.

Sometimes I shared precious food with Cashoe, usually berries that the Indians had taught me to eat. But the truth was that we were growing weaker. And then I got malaria. I found myself on the forest floor, ants walking over me.

It was around this time that I drew a comic sketch of myself imagining Cashoe in a cooking pot—and him dreaming of me as delicious bones to chew. The cartoon was meant as something to cheer me up, but the thought was there. For the moment, the idea of killing Cashoe was too much. After all, you wouldn't eat a teammate on an expedition. What's more, having him to talk to kept me going.

More days passed—I'm not sure how many. I grew weaker. I realised that the next time I slipped into a fever I might never get up again. I thought of my mum and dad waiting for me in Britain. I decided that they'd expect me to do whatever it took to get home.

I picked up my machete and when the deed was done I made a fire and cooked Cashoe as best I could. And with that renewed energy, I did, in time, manage to walk out of the forest.

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

%r 6,s/ 4 Suffering from starvation, Benedict drew this picture of his dog in a cooking pot

Two. A war dance I was in the heart of West Papua, visiting a remote people called the Obini.

Unfortunately, my guides, the Momwina, turned out to be their long-standing enemies and soon after our arrival the Obini began warming up for battle.

They whooped at us, jumped up and down. They only stopped periodically to pick up one more weapon—an arrow, a club. My Momwina companions scampered off, leaving me to back out slowly, emptying my rucksack of what I hoped were pleasing gifts. Soon I too was running, and seemed to run for the next two days, wondering when we might be ambushed.

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Three. A stitch in time I was looking for the "Gugu", the apeman that's said to live in the Sumatran jungle. My guides crept with me nearer and nearer its legendary hideout until, hearing a strange noise ahead, they lost their nerve. They turned and fled.

Unfortunately, they had all my provisions, so I had to run after them— and it was then that I slipped, slicing open my chest on a bamboo stem. Blood gushed everywhere. Nothing seemed to stop the flow. I had no choice but to sew myself up with my bootmending kit.

days, eating limpets. I remember the faces of my companions: their lips were swollen, their eyes red from the salt.

They looked terrible, and I suppose I did too. When we finally reached Australia, the officials wanted to arrest us.

We were unsteady on our feet and our eyes were bloodshot. They thought we were drunkards on a fishing trip.

Five. Robbed and left to die Fifteen years ago I was trekking through the Amazon, helped by two local loggers I'd met by chance. We came to a river and cut down a tree to make a

Four. Marooned on a rock I was crossing the Torres Strait, the 100-mile passage between New Guinea and Australia, in a dugout canoe with two Papuans. It was a tricky enough stretch of water, but then a storm blew up. We lost our food overboard, and then our water. Eventually, we hauled our canoe onto an exposed rock—and sat there, washed by waves, for two Getting the hump: mutinous Jigjig (left) tried to lead the other two camels home

was paddling my canoe when found myself being ursued by a boat rom the Medellin drug cartel I

f

bridge. The men took my bags over and I was just about to get on the tree trunk myself when they kicked the tree away and walked off, having robbed me of everything. I was 100 miles from the outside world, and really didn't stand a chance without getting back my food.

So, although the men had guns, there was nothing for it but to track them down. Finally, I reached their camp, sneaked in and grabbed one bag. Now I had a fighting chance.

Six. Camel mutiny Thirteen days into the Gobi desert, one of my three camels, a cunning beast called Jigjig, decided to lead the other two camels home. This would have been catastrophic: they carried my food and water. My life depended on getting the other two camels to obey and follow me, rather than the treacherous Jigjig. It was a tense but ridiculous moment—me pulling one way, Jigjig pulling the other. The two other camels wavered, wondering who to follow. Finally, they walked off with me, leaving Jigjig alone, bellowing furiously in the desert.

All was well on the Bering Strait—until Benedict lost his dogs...

Seven. Shot at by a drug gang I was paddling my canoe through the Colombian forests when I found myself being pursued by a boat from the Medellin drug cartel. Perhaps their boss, drug lord Pablo Escobar, was hiding out nearby. The men began firing— and I was an easy target, roughly 30 yards away. I paddled furiously. It was terrifying: I was waiting for the impact of a bullet in my back. But nothing. I looked over my shoulder—and discovered that these assassins couldn't paddle a boat and kill someone at the same time. They'd totally lost the plot, and were going around in circles! I jumped into the forest.

Eight. Losing my dogs On my last expedition I trained a dog team with the help of the indigenous Chukchis and then attempted to cross the semi-frozen Bering Strait, the 50mile gap between Russia and Alaska.

Off the dogs and I went into the shifting pack-ice towards America. It was a labyrinth of grinding, creaking >

ice blocks, but finally I reached what I thought was about midway. This was the point of no return. Should I continue? I left the dog-sledge and scouted ahead. But then, from nowhere, there came a flurry of snow. I became disorientated. And when the wind dropped, I found my tracks back to the sledge had been wiped out. No need to panic, I thought: the dogs were only 200 paces away. I began arcing back and forward, but it was getting dark. And then the temperature began dropping; the sweat on my face was beginning to freeze into a mask of ice. I'd have to renew my search at first light.

That night passed very slowly. I couldn't afford to sleep—I might never wake up. And what kept me going was the thought of the poor dogs, these loyal companions all dependent on me.

It was like my Amazon disaster with Cashoe, but this time I had the lives of ten dogs on my hands! Was I going to allow this to happen again?

At first light, I looked around. And no sign of the dogs. It looked like they'd given up on me and had tried to make it home themselves. Then I spotted them, tucked behind an ice block. After a little celebration together, I turned

the dogs homeward, back to Russia.

My objective was so near—perhaps only 25 miles way—but I had to forget the expedition, and get the dogs safely home. It was the least they deserved.

Nine. Spear of destiny?

One day, in a village in Sumatra, I jumped down from a but entrance—and saw, as I dropped to the ground, that a hunting spear had been carelessly placed there, right below me, its blade pointing uppermost. I can still see the flash of the metal as it went by my eye socket, grazing my temple. I was unscathed, as it happened—but what if? The incident was all the more terrifying for being a casual, domestic one—not an assassin's bullet, not a treacherous guide. No amount of training could have helped me avoid it.

In the end, adventure is my profession: although I've perhaps been lucky to get away with it at times, I survive because that's what I'm trained to do.

That said, I've recently become a parent and reading this list I'm filled with horror at what I've got up to over the years. I don't suppose travel will ever be the same for me again.

Ants love to gobble insect eggs, but the passion flower butterfly is one step ahead —it lays its eggs at the tips of passion-vine tendrils, which stretch well out of the way of any passing ants. „each that if you can!

110

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A Reader's Story

"My face was rebuilt" took a lot of care over my appearance; I'd even qualified for Miss England a couple of times. Now I'd have to cope with the trauma of disfigurement.

The accident that turned my world upside down happened shortly after leaving university. I'd managed to get a job at a London advertising firm It's been about seven months since and I loved working there. Everything the accident, but I can still remember seemed to be going right and within the first time I looked at myself in four weeks I'd gained a promotion. the mirror. It was like a scene from But two days after that I was knocked a horror film. down in the street.

My head was swollen beyond The car drove straight over belief. My blind eye was bandaged, my head, crushing every bone in my while the working one was red and face. My jaw was smashed to pieces. bloodshot. My mouth was full of My left eye was blinded by the metal, my body impact and one of my lungs burst. skeletal. It was like By the time I got to hospital, the a stranger staring doctors weren't sure if I was brainback at me. damaged or paralysed. Over the next Before then, 48 hours, as my condition stabilised, like any 21-yearmy family never left my side, even old woman, I though I could only communicate by writing things down. It still seems incredible that I survived such appalling injuries.

Before the accident: Emily at her graduation (above) and her Miss England entry shoot 112

After two days I was introduced

to Simon Holmes, a maxillofacial surgeon. His task was to reconstruct my face, which was so damaged he'd asked my mother for a photo of me as a guide. But Simon naturally READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

COU RTESYOFEMILY HOLDEN

An amazing charity helped me face up to the future, says Emily Holden, 21

Emily today (sitting, in the blue cardigan) withvolunteers from the Saving

PHOTO GRAPHEDBY C HARLIEHO PKINSON

•.

inspired confidence. With a beaming smile, he promised to do all he could.

The operation lasted 12 hours, during which time my life was in the hands of Simon and his team.

The procedure involved cutting me from ear to ear, removing my face, resetting my jaw and cheekbones, inserting pieces of metal to hold them in place, then putting my face back on again. It was so complicated that trainees came to watch.

When I came round, my body was overwhelmed by the trauma it had been through. It felt as if electric shocks were running through my veins. The pain was agonising. I explained to my relatives that it was READER'S DIGEST rdmag.co.uk

like sailing down a river—to ease the pain, I had to relax and go with it.

I wasn't a pretty sight. I had drains attached inside my head to release the excess blood, stitches in my scalp, bandages round my head and a large plastic cone taped over my ruptured eye. When I was taken off the ward for an X-ray, people were literally scared of me. I remember one young woman whispering to a friend and looking shocked in my direction. I thought, This is just my injured shell.

This isn't howl normally look.

It was during this period that I first

heard from Simon about Saving Faces, a research charity dedicated

to facial disfigurement, which brings together around 40 facial surgeons from across the UK. They carry out groundbreaking work into the treatment of facial injures, as well as educating people about diseases affecting the face and how to prevent them. They also run a support network for those coming to terms with surgery.

I was amazed to learn that this is the only charity of its kind in the UK, especially when you consider how important our faces are to us and our sense of self. It's also true, as the charity says, that the emotional impact of surgery can be as traumatic as the procedure itself.

A member of Saving Faces came to visit me and said they'd be able to put me in contact with people who'd suffered the same type of injury.

Simon, who's a trustee of the charity, also introduced me to its founder lain Hutchison. He explained that my positive attitude would be a great inspiration to others, if I wanted to get involved.

After two weeks I was discharged from hospital, but in some ways this was the hardest period of all; I had to deal with the outside world. Facing people was tough. I loved escaping to the New Forest with my family— going for walks and building up my strength and confidence.

Simon regularly contacted me to check my progress. My research into previous Saving Faces cases brought home to me all the pioneering work they'd done in the treatment of facial 114

injuries. You could say they were the reason I still had a face, and through them I started meeting people with similar injuries. One of them said that speaking to someone like me made them feel less alone. But it gave me a new lease of life, too.

Nowadays, I help Saving Faces with their PR and fundraising.

Visiting their offices is always cheering—the nature of their work means they judge others by what they are, rather than by how they look. If only everyone was like that.

Of course, the road to recovery is a

long one. I'm in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, but I'm looking more and more like my old self. I'm also getting my social life back—I've been out for meals with my friends, although eating is still painful. One of my close mates has even invited me down to Brighton for some fun on the beach.

I'll never be totally cured, but without Saving Faces I might not have survived at all. I'm living proof of the amazing work they do throughout the country. They have literally helped to put a smile back on my face.

As told to Tom Browne >> To help fund facial surgery research and development, or to get involved more directly, visit savingfaces.co.uk.

Tell us a personal story of your own: touching, inspiring or about an exceptional event in your life. It could earn you £100.

See page 6 for details.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

Which

EXPOSED: TRAVEL INSURANCE FROM TRAVEL AGENTS Should you give travel agents' insurance a wide berth? Find out in the June issue of Which?

Your travel agent may find you a great deal on a two-week break in the sun. But when it comes to your travel insurance it pays to shop elsewhere.

For the June issue of Which? magazine, we sent undercover researchers to 29 travel agents.

They were all offered overpriced insurance and less than half were given the full details of cover.

Many agents failed to mention important exclusions — which means that your insurance company may not pay out if you make a claim.

Protect yourself with the facts Which? investigates the issues that matter to consumers. We are completely independent — we don't work for anyone but you. That means that we're free to tell the truth. Our reports give you the information you need to avoid the scams, over-claims, and plain old rip-offs.

Every issue contains in-depth reports that make for fascinating reading. You'll also find detailed

product reviews, revealing the Best Buys and Don't Buys on anything from cars to coffee makers helping you make smarter buying choices.

Get Which? on your side for just £2 Why not put Which? to the test with our special trial offer? Receive the next two issues of the magazine for just £2 and find out for yourself what makes Which? such compulsive reading.

We think you'll be hooked.

But if you're not, don't worry — there's no obligation.

Uncover the truth in Which? magazine when you try 2 issues for £2 ".46.941 1ATED "ara■-

COMING UP: Why low-frills flights aren't always the cheapest WHICH11

call 0800 533 026

which

WELCOME TO THE PAGES THAT HELP MAKE LIFE SIMPLER, EASIER AND, WE HOPE, MORE FUN! STARTING HERE WITH...

...I

in peace

NOISE IS AS UNWELCOME IN THE GARDEN AS WEEDS, the difference beingthatyou can't put weedkiller on next door's teenagers, or their dog. Loud music and barking top the list of noise complaints, says Mary

1,001 things... is compiled and written

by Linda Gray 116

trampolines, "hot tub antics" and the ever-increasing number of outdoor events. Throw in the constant thrum of traffic and planes, and it's clear that, whatever the law says, we have no right to remain silent.

There are limits on the real din-makers—flights, vehicles and commercial premises—and ways to complain about traffic noise (contact the Highways Agency) or a ruckus in the street READER'S DIGEST • JULY ',o

CARO/ A LAMY

Stevens, policy officer from Environmental Protection UK, but at this time of year there are plenty more. New grumbles concern leaf blowers,

(phone the police). But when it comes to noisy neighbours, we're expected to confront the transgressors ourselves. No wonder a third of the three million people affected keep quiet when their neighbours won't.

If you want to take action, try the following script suggested by Garret Keizer, author of The Unwanted Sound of Everything We Want (El 5.99). Open with, "You may not be aware of this but..." then counter their arguments as follows, as calmly as you can.

"No one else has complained."

"They don't feel they'd get anywhere, but I'm sure they're wrong."

"You just don't like my music."

"I just don't like being forced to listen to it."

"I have a right to do what I want in my own home." "Of course you do. But your `right' ends at your door."

"It doesn't last long."

"It ruins my concentration."

"It's not that loud." "Let's ask the environmental health department to measure it." >> Have you found any effective anti-noise tactics? Let us know at readersletters@ readersdigest.co.uk.

F O RM A DVE RTI S ING/ALA MY

HAW TA ...learn a language online PRAISE BE THAT SO MUCH OF THE WORLD SPEAKS ENGLISH. Over 90 per cent of the EU learns it (100 per cent of Dutch and Czechs), which excuses us from grappling with their gendered vocab and nightmare declensions.

But it's only polite to learn a few key phrases in return—and you can do so without classes or listening to a tape.

All you need is a computer with Skype, the > READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

a %oat sr .111010

..breathe INHALE THROUGH YOUR NOSE, which filters and warms the air before it reaches your lungs. Then forget everything you learned in yoga or Pilates.

"It doesn't matter if you breathe into your chest and ribs or use your diaphragm and abdomen," says Professor Stephen Spiro of the British Lung Foundation.

"In fact, thinking about it too much can lead to hyperventilation, which makes you feel panicky and faint. Just let it happen."

You've been doing it all your life, after all.

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internet videophone that's free to download and use. Then him a 1 nnkl ( sign up to an agency such as verbalplanet.com, where you'll gm mom find 300 tutors teaching 20 languages for around £20 an hour.

They're all star-rated and the first lesson is often free. It's even cheaper—only £8 an hour—to learn Spanish with 1to1languages.com, inG11

but their tutors are Colombian, so you may end up with a South American accent.

Ifyou want an online tutor, look for a Lancelot-qualified one (Language Learning with Certified Online Trainers) who understands how the system works. And ifyou just want to brush upyour vocab, try languagehelpers.com compiled by volunteers, orthe free courses on the BBC website—the "Cool" sections will makeyou street-smart in four languages.

idanifu rn

CLICK ON TO !HATE RYANAIR.CO.UK and you'll be amazed the airline is still in business. But no one makes you fly Ryanair, points out Simon Calder, travel journalist and author of No Frills (Virgin, £9.99): "I use them because I know I'll get where I'm going safely, cheaply and reliably."

No, he's not on the payroll. He simply accepts that ifyou're flyingfor the price of a bus fare, the 118

airline will make its profit in your cases at the airport, another way. If you let them. so do it online. Even then "You can't afford to make a it costs you each way—up single mistake when buying to £20 for 15kg with Ryanair. tickets," he warns.

If you're goingfor a short • Avoid credit card break, cram everything into charges—save £10 your cabin bag (easyJet sets (ES each way) by paying no weight limit) and wear with the specified cards. your cold-weather clothes.

Bmibaby, easyJet, Flybe • Ditch fast boarding— and Jett ask for Visa save £10. First on the bus Electron, while Ryanair is often last on the plane. insists on a Mastercard • Decline travel prepaid debit card. insurance—save £9.

• Reduce check-in • Take a picnic—save charges—save £40. That's £12 and your digestion. what Ryanair docks you • Get compensation if you fail to print outyour for a cancelled flight— boarding pass. And if you're save £1000s. Don't accept going away for a month, a refund! Ifyour flight is find an internet cafe before with an EU airline (or flying you fly home as Ryanair from the EU) you can insist won't letyou check in they find you another. You more than 15 days ahead. can also claim for meals • Beat baggage and accommodation if restrictions—save £80.

You'll pay double to check

you're stranded, says the Air Traffic Users Council.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

VARIO IMAGES GMBH @ CO. KG/ ALAMY

...avoid cheap air traps

Aviv

it Mks

Great Mattiscombe Sands, Devon

...find an unspoiled beach AS EVERYTHING FROM THE EURO TO THE ASH IS CONSPIRING TO KEEP US AT HOME THIS SUMMER, why not

Nick Crane, presenter of BBC2's Coast, also nominates a Norfolk beach, Wintertonon-Sea: "One hundred and fifty yards of

rediscover the joys of the British beach?

golden sand with the remains of concrete tank traps tumbled about like dice." Kate Rew of the Outdoor Swimming Society and author of Wild Swim (£12.99) prefers rocks.

"Dancing Ledge in Dorset is a tiny dipping

And not just any British beach, but a gem known only to a few.

There are thousands of them, from the four miles of pink sand at Sandwood Bay in Scotland to the pearly Great Mattiscombe Sands in Devon, says Daniel Start, who lists his picks in Wild Swimming: Coast (Punk Publishing, £14.95). His criteria include remoteness, untouched beauty and a surprise—such -6- as a rock arch, waterfall or sea cave. His ti tip is to look for a cove that offers the following: shelter; privacy; a beach washed by the tide; and rocks to perch on.

Just to prove there's more to the coast E l ) than coves, he also recommends Scolt Head Island in Norfolk. "With its swathe 0

of white sand, it's the nearest thingyou'll find to a desert island in Britain," he says.

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pool beneath the cliffs. It's like havingyour own spa," she says. And Rachel Wyatt, who runs the Good Beach Guide for the Marine Conservation Society (goodbeachguide. co.uk) champions the long sweep of sand at Beadnell Bay in Northumberland.

There are downsides. Be prepared for a longwalk and sometimes a steep descent (the locals usually chip out a few steps).

You'll need a picnic and a strong bladder because there are no cafes or toilets.

They're rarely rated for water quality and there's no lifeguard, so check it's safe to swim. And you may not see swimsuits— these beaches are often naturist haunts.

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>

and the woman choking on her pizza could owe their lives to you. All you need is a little knowledge and

What your waite r won't tell you

a willingness to intervene, says St John Ambulance, which reckons that 150,000 lives a year are lost

Home-cooked doesn't mean home-made. See

because we hang back. "Give it a go," urges training

that "food solutions" van?

It's full of ready-meals for restaurants. You order a Brie-and-redcurrant fib or pasta Napoletana and all we have to do is heat and serve.

...save a life THE GREY-FACED MAN CLUTCHING HIS CHEST

manager Clive James. "If someone's not breathing, they have only four minutes until the brain starts to die—and an ambulance takes at least eight."

Just remember to call 999 too.

1. Passed-out partygoer. Asphyxiation is the most easily preventable cause of death, says James, so put them on their side in the recovery position.

2. Heart attack at home. Keep aspirin in the cupboard (Nurofen won't do). If they turn pale, feel a crushing pain in the shoulder or chest and start sweating, give them 300mg.

3. Horror-film bleeding. Apply pressure to the wound with a clean cloth and if the blood keeps coming, pile on more cloths. Don't attempt to remove anything embedded in the wound—work around it. Keep the affected area elevated.

4, Cafe killer. Choking kills around 180 people a

I can't bear campers.

The table's notyours for the night. My rule is: the bigger the bill, the longeryou stay, so I reckon on 50 minutes for lunch, an hour and a half for dinner. Caesar salad and tap water for two? You've got 20 minutes.

We make money out of side orders. Bread and olives, madam? Chunky chips, sir? And would you like a salad with that?

They're the extras that bump upyour bill.

I love it when you

year, but five purposeful slaps on the back are usually enough to dislodge rogue food.

5. No pulse. Shout fora defibrillator—they're in most shopping malls—and give 30 chest compressions

ask for a soft drink. The law makes sure I sell beer, wine and spirits in set measures, but if you ask

plus two mouth-to-mouth breaths. There's rarely an instant response, so keep going.

for orange juice, I choose how much you get.

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TOM WOOD/ ALAMY

114(11ATel

If you want a safe bet, choose something grilled.

If food's covered with sauce, who knows what's in there?

Dodgy restaurants usually

Come for lunch! It's half the price of dinner and

you'll pour ityourself stops me refilling your glass so

if you book on a weekday, there's often a special deal.

you'll order more.

overcook meat, so if you pick steak, ask for one rarer than you really want. You can always send it back if it's

The restaurant with the best view has the worst food. It doesn't have to try, does it?

too pink.

Split the bill, not hairs. Please don't keep me waiting while you argue about who had the chips, passed on ice cream, or needs to leave a tip.

Email your special requests. Then we'll have to find you the table by the window you asked for—or give you a free glass of champagne.

Hang on to the wine

If your child has a rear end, he needs a seat. I can't make a table for two stretch to four.

bottle. Check the vintage and make sure I open it at the table so you know what you're getting. Saying that

IMAGESOU RCE/A LAMY

Would you eat in a place with filthy toilets?

Pay them a visit before you order, while there's still time to walk out.

The chef who made his name here left six months ago. And those rave reviews in the lobby date back to 2003. By all means read what the critics have to say—just be sure to check the date.

SOURCES: STEVE DUBLANICA, AUTHOR OF WAITER RANT (E7.99) AND RESTAURANT STAFF FROM THE UK AND THE US

Always check the bill.

You won't know if service is included or see that I've charged for an extra bottle of wine if you don't.

If you've had too much to drink, ask the driver in your party to do it for you.

Beware the specials board. It could be the food we need to use up.

If you want to eat out on a Saturday night, book a table by Tuesday. If they still have space the day before, ask yourself why.

Dine out early in the week at hard-to-book restaurants. It's easier to get a table when we're not busy. And once I identify you as a regular, I'll fit you in at the weekends when we're frantic.

I might even refill your glass for free.

Before you ask... the tourist office is first on the right. The market is on Wednesdays. The nearest bank is 100 yards away. And our toilets are for customers only.

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Just hanging out— windsurfing is a great calorie burner

Ever returned from a holiday and found your clothes are tighter? Avoid the summer podge with these tips

Toned and away Yes, it's great to relax on holiday, but tasty local food and lounging about in deckchairs can spell serious weight gain. Try these tips to help keep you trim.

First up, poolside cocktails: a creamy Piña Colada averages 500 calories—worse than a Big Mac—and even the humble Daiquiri packs 200 calories a glass.

Low-calorie cocktails are mostly gin-, vodka- and tequila-based. For a bit of Mexican flavour, try a Tequila Sunrise: it's only 150 calories. Tomato juice has fewer calories than other fruit juices, and it's rich in the antioxidant lycopene, so a Bloody

Fast fact If your spouse has dementia you're six times more likely to develop it yourself due to the stress of caring for them, according to Utah State University.

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Mary is a good choice, too. If you've got a sweet tooth, how about a Caipirinha? With just water, lime, vodka and a sweetener, it's not goingto break the calorie bank.

Over-indulgence on a two-week holiday can lead to 71b extra baggage, says the British Nutrition Foundation. So what should you eat? > Spain Tapas can be a good or bad choice.

Choose a mixture of vegetable, fish and meat dishes and avoid fried foods such as calamari. Despite being high-carb, paella's a healthy main course, and it's packed with vegetables as well. Beware the chorizo that's often added, though —it's high in fat and salt. > Italy Minestrone soup, pasta with tomato sauces (as opposed to carbonaras) and pizzas with thin crusts and vegetable or chicken toppings rather than fatty meats such as pepperoni—they're so saltyyou'll PAUL SPRINGETT/ALAMY INGIMAGE.COM

end up drinking more,too. > Greece Stuffed vine leaves, hummus and tzatziki

5 steps to better lungpower

are fine, but skip taramasalata. For mains, choose chicken or fish souvlaki and Greek salad. Steer clear of moussaka: the fried mince and béchamel sauce make it a calorific minefield. > France Avoid the garlic bread and pastries on offer.

Instead, choose moules mariniere and grilled steaks (high in protein), or French onion soup, as opposed to creamier options.

Holidays are a great opportunity to get some exercise and have fun too: > Swimming burns around io calories a minute, but this is increased in the sea thanks to extra resistance from the waves. > Even better is jogging in the sea—runningthrough water helps tighten your abs! > Beach football is fun, and the sand's uneven surface means you'll be using 20-50 per cent more calories than if you were on a flat surface.

8 > Windsurfing burns up to 500 calories an hour, and 2 learning how to balance will strengthen your abs, legs LL and shoulders.

TAKE THE STAIRS Exercise that makes your heart beat faster, such as climbing stairs or riding a bike, keeps your lungs in shape.

Studies show that walking for 15 minutes, three to four times a day, improved breathing in people with emphysema.

BRUSH YOUR TEETH Research shows that people with gum disease are 1 1/2 times more likely to have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, a lung disease affecting mainly the over-65s. You're 70 per cent more likely to suffer heart problems, too.

HAVE SPAGHETTI ...with tomato sauce.

Research from Nottingham University found that people who ate tomatoes three times a week had improved lungfunction and less wheeziness.

BE OPTIMISTIC Harvard researchers followed 670 men aged 63 for eight years and found that the optimists had better lungfunction than the pessimists.

EAT AN APPLE A Nottingham University study found that people who ate more than five apples a week had improved lung function and less wheeziness. Dice apples into a salad or sauté with onions as a side dish.

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Doctor on the Ward Max Pemberton can handle anything— anything except worried parents, that is ust get him better constipated. "Do you boy would stop crying. I've and we can all get out have to do that?" he says, numbed his hand anyway, of here," growls the pointing with his fat, so there's really nothing man between gritted teeth stubby fingers at the for him to be upset about. as I attempt to take his needle gently shaking Of course, the prospect son's blood. The child in my hands. of having a blood test is starts screaming as I approach him with the needle.

I haven't even touched him yet, I think to myself.

I dread to think how he's going to react when I I assure him that if there minor compared with actually stick a sharp were any other way to take the prospect of a burst object into him. I look at blood from his son, I'd appendix, which is what the man's tattoos and most certainly be doing it. will happen if I don't take shaved head. He cracks Really, I'd stick the blood and get the boy his knuckles and I needles in my up into theatre. But this swallow hard. own arm if it idea is too complex for a A nurse pokes meant the child to appreciate and, her head round it would appear, for his the curtain to see father too. what all the fuss is Of all the patients about and quickly I treat, it's children retreats, satisfied who are the worst. that I'm not murdering Not the children someone—despite themselves. The how it sounds parents. All their from outside. anxiety and fear "Why are you is projected making him cry?" straight onto the the man roars at nearest adult: me. I try to smile in the doctor. a benign manner but They end I suspect I just look up behaving

J

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PHOTOGRAPHED BY WI LDE FRY

I'd stick needles in my own arm if it meant the boy would stop crying

KNOW YOUR ORGANS

The bladder Time to go?

The bladder usually holds about 350m1of urine, but can hold up to 500mI-15 times its empty volume. As it fills, nerves in its wall sense it stretching and relay this

worse than the children.

Yet the problem with badly behaved adults (as opposed to children) is that there are no parents to discipline them. You just have to put up with it while simultaneously trying to look after the child.

The man continues to glare at me as though I'm to blame for his son's appendicitis. Then the nurse reappears from behind the curtain with something in her hand. Not another procedure to inflict on this poor child, I think.

"There we go," she says, unwrapping a boiled sweet and shoving it into the child's screaming open mouth. Silence. The child suddenly starts smiling.

The father continues to scowl at me. I look at the nurse, then at the father.

I wonder if he'd like a boiled sweet too? g >> Max Pemberton is a u hospital doctor. His book Where Does It Hurt? is published by Hodder and Stoughton at £1 2.99.

information to the brain.

When the bladder is about All the bladder has to do is collect the urine that's produced by the kidneys and then wait until you're on a long car journey before tellingyou it's time to empty it. But actually, the ability to hold and expel urine is down to remarkable engineering.

So what's the big deal?

The hollow, elastic bladder collects urine (its elasticity is thanks to a cell called the transitional epithelium in the bladder wall). Urine gets into the bladder via two tubes called the ureters, which come directly from the kidneys.

At the bottom of the bladder is the urethra, a tube through which urine is expelled from the body. Its base is surrounded by the pelvic wall muscles, which keep things watertight.

25 per cent full, the nerves trigger the urge to urinate.

As the bladder continues to fill, the nerve signal becomes harder to ignore.

Then what?

The detrusor muscle, which surrounds the bladder, contracts and squeezes it.

At the same time, the pelvic-floor muscles relax and allow the urine to be squeezed out of the bladder through the urethra.

If things go wrong...

Forms of incontinence vary.

The pelvic wall may be weak, so the bladder is no longer watertight. The detrusor muscle can also be overactive and squeeze when it shouldn't, often caused by thinking about going to MP the bathroom.

Next month: the kidneys 125

HEALTH UPDATE A breakthrough in treating joint pain naturally

Joint effort Most of us will experience joint pain at some point in

two key natural ingredients that act in combination: hyaluronic acid—a major component of synovial fluid—and natural marine bionovex oil (derived from New Zealand green-lipped mussels), which is known to reduce inflammation. behind Deep Heat) paves the way for products aimed at breakingthis cycle.

Regenovex tackles inflammation, while also improving synovial fluid in joints and aidingthe natural creation of fresh cartilage.

THE NEW PLAQUE-BUSTERS How can you keep plaque at bay?

Here's what the latest research says: » Cranberry juice contains polyphenols, which reduce plaque formation and stop the bacteria that release enamel-damaging acids stickingto teeth. as Olive oil covers teeth with a film of fat molecules that stop plaque from forming.

Chewing gum such as Xylitol reduces plaque—as bacteria can't feed on it, they starve and die. The Journal of Dental Education says chewing Xylitol once a day four times a week will significantly reduce plaque.

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Does it work? Of people aged 40-69 who suffered from joint pain, 63 per cent noticed a difference after 20 days. This tops current treatment glucosamine, which takes three months to have an effect.

Regenovex comes in three formats. One-A-DayCapsules for long-term joint care (there are no known side effects, it doesn't contain gelatin and it can be used with conventional medicines), £21.99 for 30; Fast-Acting Gel, £9.99; and a Flexible Patch (which offers short-term relief for individual joints), £2.29. It's available from Boots.

Elizabeth Adlam

INGIMAGE.COM

Painful joints occur when synovial fluid (which supports and lubricates

Now there's new hope.

A unique formulation by Mentholatum (the company

through in treating joint problems," says Dr Gordon Cameron, joint pain, sport and exercise medicine specialist at the Edinburgh Clinic. "No other product works in this way."

The product contains

our lives, but it can be hard to treat.

movement) decreases in quantity and quality. The cushioning effect is lost and cartilage deteriorates as bones grind together. This leads to inflammation, then pain and stiffness. Inflammation further damages synovial fluid; it's a cycle of joint deterioration.

"This is a major break-

ONCE-WEEKLYTREATMENTFORFU NGALNMLINFECTIONS.

Thick, brittle and discoloured toenails are embarrassing and they won't go away on their own.

Ask about Curanail, the only prescription -strength treatment for fungal nail infection you can buy from your pharmacist. For more information visit www.curanail.co.uk.

CUR/512/0410 Date of preparation:

Stuff pick 'n' mix of shades, twisting that new lipstick from its case and touchingyour lips with its satiny colour for the first time.

Bright lipstick is versatile too—it can make you feel really poised. If it's ultraglossy, the result is racier—and poppy,

At the Prada spring/summer catwalk show, it was all glow on the lipstick front. Models sported a citrus orange

tomato and geranium shades send upbeat signals. That said, some of the pure reds are more suitable for young, flawless faces

shade that made a zing statement.

At Christian Dior, there was a 1940s

(which counts me out). Rich scarlets, for instance, can make lips look thinner and so can be rather ageing.

femme fatale vibe, the fashion focusing on lame, the hair channelling Lauren Bacall, and the lips kissed with crimson. Pristine.

Precise. Polished.

I tend to use more nude lipstick shades for summer, only daring to go darker in winter. But seeing these bolts of bold colour reminded me how cheering buying a new

However, I've always thought some shades are smile-enhancers, and this has just been proved courtesy of Clinique. The cosmetics house has grouped eleven of its hot sellers into a "Lip Collection for a Brighter Smile". Not all of them are vibrant colours—one or two are nudes —but they were all chosen specifically because they can make teeth look whiter.

Dr Paul Siu, a New York dentist, checked the effects of the lipsticks using a Buying dental-shade guide as a lippy can reference. "The subtle make you

lipstick can be. If you can't afford that eyewateringly blue tones and contrast expensive in each colour instantly outfit, or brightened the you're just appearance of the having a bad teeth," he confirmed. week, there's Coral has also gained something catwalk favour this undeniably season—but I must satisfying about admit, it's a shade from selecting from which I've long backed a Pantone-esque away on the basis that

feel more poised

READER'S DIGEST' JULY '10

LARRY L ILAC/ ALAMY

For an instant make-up shakeup, look to lipstick

By Jan Masters

it was a handbag staple for my aunties for about half a century. But now, I've come

PASS IT ON

to see that corals can make you feel pretty and perky, particularly in the new moist, transparent finishes.

Check out the new Dior

last year, one was sold every minute. Why the devotion? It's all in the "mist-action"—which gives a

Addict in Coral Craze, £21.50; Maybelline New

for all skin tones.

York Color Sensational in Coral Pop, £6.99 and Estee Lauder's new Pure

NEED FOR SPEED »

Color Gloss in Passion Fruit, £14.50, which

they can get, accordingto Wilkinson Sword—research found that nearly

contains pigments wrapped in a crystal-like coating to provide brilliant colour

60 per cent of us take up to an hour to get ready each morning! But Wilkinson Sword's Intuition Revitalising Care Razor, £5.69, is a

and shine, as well as humectants, which attract and retain moisture from

nice even tan—and the different shades that are perfectly pitched

Women today need all the multitasking beauty gadgets

help. It lathers in water, moisturises and has a wear indicator to tell you

the atmosphere.

As it's summer, skip too

when to replace the blades.

much lip liner—it looks overworked. For precision,

Other go-faster tips

it's better to load a brush with colour from the bullet.

Apply brights to the centre of lips first and work outward—and do check none has stuck to your teeth. A brighter smile is all PI O TRMA RCI NS KI/ AL A MY

One of my favourite fake tans is Gamier Ambre Solaire No Streaks Bronzer Dry Body Mist, £10.99. I'm not alone—

well and good, but lip colour splashed on your incisors has zero allure.

• Clear dressing-table space for all your brushes and eyelash curlers, so you don't have to keep rummaging about in your drawers for them.

• A classic John Frieda piece of advice: wash your hair before you do any other getting-ready task and let it almost dry before you blow-dry. Heat-styling only has real impact when hair is goingfrom damp to dry.

• Once your brows have been shaped to your satisfaction, get into the habit of plucking out any stray hairs as they show up. It's much quicker and easier in the long run than tryingto do a whole reshape every now and then.

All Washed Up Don't slap on shampoo and conditioner in the same way. Use the pads of your fingers to apply shampoo to your scalp and, for the ends, just let the lather flow through your hair. As roots tend to be greasier, apply conditioner to the length and ends first, using what's left on your hands for the scalp.

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129

REMORTGAGING

Should you go for a tracker or a fixed rate? unlikely that the base rate will go above one per cent for five years." Boulger says he'd pick a lifetime tracker

And even ifyou're coming near to the end of a deal, you may be better off staying put. "Some lenders have low

)

mortgage experts John Charcol, says: "If I had to make a judgement, trackers are going to be better value than fixed rates. It appears

you have less than 25 per cent equity in your property, you have fewer options," he notes.

revert-to rates, so you won't get a rate

rather than a two- or three-year deal.

David Hollingworth of mortgage broker L&C also prefers trackers, but says that remortgaging isn't of benefit to everyone. "If

that's much cheaper by moving," Boulger says. Mortgage size matters. "If you have a small mortgage, the fees for remortgaging make a bigger difference," Hollingworth says.

If you still prefer the predictability of a fix, both experts recommend a term of no less than five years.

Alison Gibson

>>BANK UPDATE! From this month, Alliance and Leicester won't allow holders of basic current accounts to draw out less than £300 over the counter (less than £ioo at Nationwide). As a result, less wealthy customers—including pensioners, who may struggle to remember pin numbers—will be forced to use the hole in the wall.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

ICP/ALAMY; DBURKE/ AL AMY

Mortgage lenders' rates are continuing to fall and the Bank of England base rate is at an all-time low, so is this a good time to remortgage? And should you go fora fixed rate or a tracker? A fixed rate gives peace of mind thatyour rate won't rise and increaseyour monthly outgoings.

But a tracker, which rises and falls with the base rate, is usually cheaper—as long as rates don't suddenly shoot up.

Ray Boulger, senior technical manager at

Teena Lyons looks at the best places to go for advice on how to get your finances in order

Get out

of Debt Average personal debt in the UK, excluding mortgages, now stands at £9,731 and one person in ten is struggling

face-to-face advice is £265, or £51 per customer for a phone consultation. For someone already mired in debt, this is

to manage the problem. Yet, while one in three consumers keeps their money worries hidden from their family, and

obviously an additional worry. So it's no

suffers the emotional consequences of covering up the debt, ranging from problems at work to alcohol abuse, those who want advice believe they have a limited range of options.

Traditionally, the Citizens Advice Bureau has been the first point of call for free debt advice, but the service is often overwhelmed with enquiries. Those unwilling, or unable, to get an appointment with their local centre, may consider visiting the t growing band of for.

• profit, paid-for advisers as a last-ditch solution.

Commercial debt • advisers have their critics—not least • because the average • cost per person for READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

surprise that two other free debt-advice services are seeing enquiries soar. The Consumer Credit Counselling Service helped i5o,000 people last year, up almost two-thirds on 2008, while National Debtline received 405,167 calls last year, compared with 256,167 the previous year.

The free services do get oversubscribed, but they all run useful websites, which are a great place to start debt-planning while waiting for an appointment. Plus, those being harassed by debt collection agencies are guaranteed 3o days' breathing space if they seek help, thanks to an agreement between the Government and the

FastFact:

Credit Services Association, the body that represents debtcollecting agents.

131

Easy ways to entertain your kids this summer—and save money

Child's play School's out and many parents will find themselves digging deep into their pockets between now and September. It's not just the extra childcare— between £62.70 and £113.72 a week according to the Daycare Trust—but also the cost of entertaining "bored" children that can run to hundreds of pounds over six weeks.

My husband and I reduce the cost of occupying our two by opting for low-key days out to the beach and

buy advance train tickets.

Here are some more ideas. > Consider a day out with the National Trust (nationaltrust.org.uk) from around Do for a family ticket. Many of the properties offer children's trails and events, and have the added bonus of beautiful settings for perfect picnics.

South Foreland lighthouse

and Corfe Castle, both in Dover, are our current favourites. > Many museums and galleries are free. Check culture24.org.uk for childfriendly ideas. > See a film on the cheap with Orange Wednesdays two-for-one tickets. Cineworld cinemas (cineworld.co.uk/films/ junior) offer Saturday

collecting tokens and vouchers for discounted entries to attractions.

Instead of gym membership we sign up for cheap council-run sports activities. We always take our own food and drink (I think my children would kill for a burger) and share petrol costs where possible, or 132

READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

morning Movies for Juniors screenings for El per child.

Vue cinemas (myvue.com/ kids-films) have a similar deal with children and accompanying adults getting in to morning screenings for 95p. > Take your five- to ii-year-olds to a Tesco/ FA free football skills introductory coaching session (usually two hours) with professional FA Skills Coaches. See fa-tescoskills.co.uk. > Swim for nothing at more than i,000 pools up and down the country offering free swimming to children aged -16 and under, and the over-6os. Ask at your local pool for information. > Look on your local council website or call for information about holiday sports activities and courses. > Walking costs nothing.

Pack a picnic and set off for the nearest green space, or pick up an Ordnance Survey map and head for the country o (many public footpaths start near train stations so you don't have 0

to drive).

Chloe Bryan-Brown READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

Don't let the numbers get you down—online money calculators just got a whole lot better

Doing the maths Consumers looking for online calculators to help them manage their money now have a wider range to choose from on the moneymadeclear.org.uk website—the FSA's national money guidance service. Tools just launched include a savings calculator, an improved mortgage calculator and a more detailed budget planner. More calculators are in the pipeline.

"Each tool will also have a 'next steps' page that gives tips, and there are links for further help," says Nancy Baynes, of the new Consumer Financial Education Body, which was established by the FSA in April and now manages moneymadeclear.

Martin Lewis, the money guru, is widely credited with providing the most comprehensive budget planner on his website moneysavingexpert.com. "About a million people have used it, but many others won't take the two hours you need to do a proper budget," he says.

His advice when choosing calculators? "Find a trusted source and make sure you understand the questions and answers."

Hargreaves Lansdown, the independent financial adviser, has a well-regarded pensions calculator on its website h-l.co.uk. Danny Cox, head of advice, says: "Online tools have made a big difference. Consumers no longer have to rely on banks and advisers for many of their financial needs." So if you want to keep getting the best deals, reach for your computer's keypad. AG

133

Blueberry

Thrill

Marco Pierre White spoils us with this half-cake, half-custard delight Whenever I've put blueberries on the menu they've turned out to be a bestseller. One reason for this is because blueberries are rated as super-healthy thanks to their high level of antioxidants.

But I suspect that the main reason they're popular is simply because they taste so wonderful. You can grow them quite easily in Britain, and then you have the pleasure of pickingthem at this time of year—a simple pleasure, but one that's growing in popularity as we get the message about usingfood that hasn't travelled long distances. However,you must make sure they're the right colour (a deep blue).

Timing is everything with these noble fruits.

Clafoutis (pronounced kla-foo-tee) is a classic French dessert that makes for a real summer treat. It looks like a cake—but it's really a fruit-filled custard. Usually it's

Marco Pierre served warm, straight from the oven, but I White is also love it chilled and served with a dollop donating his fee for this of whipped cream. Either way it's a winner. column to Psychologically, too, you can't go wrong; Macmillan you feel a bit guilty about the double cream Cancer and sugar, but that's offset conveniently by Support the healthiness of the blueberries.

134

CLAFOUTIS (6 people) 6 eggyolks 2 whole eggs 100g caster sugar 30g plain flour 100gground almonds 500m1double cream A pinch of sugar 225g blueberries Icing sugar, sifted, to serve 1. Pre-heat the oven to 180°C. 2. Place the yolks, whole eggs and caster sugar in a READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

CLIVE BOZZARD- HILL

•

"This is always a hit at barbecues and summer parties!"

Diana Adams, Danbury, Essex

SAUCY MIXED MUSHROOMS (6 people) 2tbsp olive oil 1 onion, chopped 2 garlic cloves, crushed 750g of mixed mushrooms, thickly sliced Pinch of sugar 50m1of red wine itbsp tomato purée 200g tin chopped tomatoes 3-4 tbsp crème fraiche 1. Heat ltbsp oil in a pan and fry the onion for 5 minutes, then add the garlic and fry for 2 more minutes.

2. Add the rest of the oil and Add a pinch of salt just before mixing into a batter. It will offset the sweetness of the dish and make it even tastier.

P HOT O GRA PHE DBYFA BF O ODP I X. C OM

mixing bowl and whisk until the mixture becomes a pale

each with about 15 blueberries. Pour uk the batter over tor many more the fruit and recipes and bake the cookingtips clafoutis for 10 minutes, or until a

visit

al:frecipes.co.

colour.

3. Add the flour, ground almonds and double cream.

4. Mix well —it should now resemble a light batter and coat the back of a spoon.

5. Take six shallow ramekins and sprinkle the base of READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

skewer placed in the centre of the mixture comes out clean.

6. Dust lightly with the icing sugar and serve warm with a good vanilla ice cream.

the mushrooms. Cook for 5 minutes until the juices run.

3. Turn up the heat, add the wine and stir for 30 seconds.

4. Add the purée and tinned tomatoes, bringto the boil.

5. Season and add the pinch of sugar. Simmer for 5-8 minutes, stir in the crème fraiche and heat gently.

6. Serve with couscous, pasta or lots of crispy bread.

Want to share a recipe?

We pay £50 for any we publish. See page n for details.

135

lid

You can have more than crisps and nuts with your beer, says Will Lyons

Beer and vittles I LOVE BEER. For some reason, that simple statement seems to confuse and offend. It's as though we wine critics should only ever drink wine, which of course is nonsense. As much as I love wine, often only a beer will do.

It's strange that we get so excited about wine produced in this country when we have world-class breweries making tasty, hoppy beer. When I lived in Scotland I used to love holidays in England, as theygave me a chance to sample local ales and enjoy the democratic atmosphere of the English pub.

Arkell's Kingsdown Ale is a favourite. It's a strong pint (5%) with a ripe nose. They also serve a sensational pint at The Bell Inn in Aldworth, Berkshire, near where I grew up.

H ° 0 BEER AND CHOCOLATE `` 0 PUDDING 2

But such is the interest in beer these days that it's by no means consigned to the pub. A trip toyour local supermarket will throw up all sorts of possibilities and food-matching ideas—such as chocolate and beer. I'm not joking.

There are only three types of beer—gassy chilled lager, bitter real ale and creamy stout—but there are more than 50 styles. With its range of flavours it can be as complex as wine.

Take Bacchus Kriek (5%, £2.61 a bottle; Sainsbury's, Morrisons, Tesco). This is a cherry beer that, chilled down, has a spritzy tartness. Given its cherry flavour it can accompany chocolate pudding or even spicy dishes.

A more traditional match is Brakspear Oxford Gold (4.6%, from £1.79; Waitrose, Sainsbury's, Morrisons). It has a fresh, citrussy aroma that works well with sausages.

And beer, dare I say, can go well with cheese. Brakspear Triple (7.2%, £1.99; Sainsbury's, Waitrose) is a case in point.

So is Innis & Gunn Original (6.5%, from £1.58; all major supermarkets). Oak-aged in Scotland, this has a comforting caramel flavour. Chill it and serve with smoked cheese.

I1

5:

0 BEER AND SAUSAGES 0 0 0 0 0 0

U

BEER AND SMOKED CHEESE

136 READER'S DIGEST • JULY 'co

2

co

Your favourite magazine—now

available on the iPad! The Apple iPad is already the most talked-about device of the decade— so it's only right and proper thatyou should be able to find the world's best-loved magazine on it. But what do we like most about the iPad? Reader's Digest is the perfect fit, that's what—our wonderfully portable small format means that our pages are tailor-made to the size of the iPad screen. You'd almost WHAT YOUR think they'd designed it just for us...

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Reader's

igest 137

peppers into small pieces.

Simmer with a finely chopped onion, a pressed garlic clove and a bay leaf in enough vinegar to cover them, and cook until they're really soft. Remove the bay leaf then push the pulp through a sieve. Add its own weight of sugar, and a pinch of salt and ground ginger. Bring to the boil then pour into hot bottles and seal. Keep in the fridge and use after three months. It improves with age.

OUTDOORS

Bob Flowerdew answers your gardening questions

Dear Bob, I've been growing chilli

Q

peppers for a few years and am now producing so many I just don't know what to do with them all. How do I best use the surplus? I'm particularly keen on making them into a hot sauce but don't know how.

First, hot peppers dry really well; split them in two, remove the seeds and place them in a dry place.

A

Once dry, pack them in jars.

If you'd prefer to make a hot sauce, you should clean (and de-pith and de-seed, if you don't want it too hot) then chop the chilli 138

Q

and is there anything I need to do about it?

A The June drop, which usually occurs at

.the end of the month, is when the tree decides how many seeds it can ripen—and then lets the surplus fall off before it wastes too many resources.

But in bumperyears your tree is carrying a huge number of seeds, which leaves it exhausted for the next year or two—so it READER'S DIGEST • JULY '10

PHOTOGRA P HEDBY FABFOODPIX.CO M; ROS EMARY CALVERT/AL A MY

&Soutions

Dear Bob, I noticed that RD published an article a couple of months ago that mentioned the "June drop". What exactly is it,

can manage only a few.

Thinning will give you more regular crops of bigger, better fruits. By removing, say, half the number,you reduce the strain in a good year, enabling the tree to carry another batch the following one. So at the beginning of July, pull off small fruitlets that are crowded, or have holes, splits or scabby patches. Don't be afraid of overdoing it: it's hard to over-thin. Reduce triplets

A. J ON ES/ GARDEN W ORLD IMAG ES; VIC TORIA FIRMSTON/ GAP PHOTOS

and fivers to one or two at most. Remember, you want fewer and bigger fruits, so the ones left should be up to a hand's breadth apart. >) Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time.

GATHER IN THE HARVEST

This is the month for harvesting fruit and vegetables before they go over.

Although there are plenty now, remember it'll be another year before the next crop!

So each time you pick, gather twice what you need and store half.

Blanch and freeze vegetables such as peas and beans. Clean and freeze—or bottle—tomatoes and peppers.

And make chutneys, pickles and sauces.

Drying is an option, but unless you have an old-fashioned range or airing cupboard this depends on the weather.

Jam should be half sugar—not great for your waistline. You can make it with less—you just have to eat it faster, before it gets mouldy.

READER'S Here's an idea from Amy Gabriel of TIP Tooting, London, for those with limited space to grow food.

"Buckets are the perfect depth for root vegetables, watering cans hold tomatoes —you can wind the creepers round the handle—and old boots have enough drainage for a whole range of herbs." >> Email usyour gardening tips and ideas—with photos, if possible—to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk.

We'll pay £50 if we use it on this page.

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

139

SUMMER'S CAULDRON I love the summery sound of bees and wasps buzzing around the garden: the bees carrying out their essential work pollinating our fruit and the wasps helping the gardener by preying on insect larvae. But is what you think

genuine wasp from these four pictures (answer below).

Wildlife Watch Flowers are blooming, says Martin Hughes-Games, so mind the wasps and bees

POLLEN POWER Some limestone-rich roadsides will by now be carpeted with exoticlooking purple orchids.

Orchid reproduction is fascinating (ask Darwin!).

Inside many orchid flowers are small, sticky "pollinia", masses of pollen that stick to an insect pollinator in exactly the right place to pollinate the next orchid they visit.

To see it for yourself, gently insert a pencil point into an orchid flower. With luck, twoyellow blobs will appear and stick to the pencil as you withdraw it.

STOOPS TO CONQUER In July, young birds of prey start to hone their skills—including the fastest of them all, the peregrine falcon. The youngsters still have to learn their trade though, and nature gives them a helping hand.

Their first set of flight feathers are much longer than adults', giving them

Martin HughesGames is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumn watch 140

larger control surfaces to help them learn to manoeuvre. As they moult, the new feathers become shorter, making the birds more unstable in the air, but by now they'll have learned how to control their awesome "stoop" as they plunge from the sky at breathtaking speed, locking onto their prey with lethal accuracy. .sagJanoy aie (sapoadna) a pup (sninpuad snllydolay)3 apym`(spatie snv(ja)apaq e s!y.elpato eindsanoyollop papeo dssM e—e4i3MS NV

R OBKN ELL; RUS SELLCOOP ER/ NATU REPL.CO M; AR TE R RA PIC TURE LIB RA RY/ ALAM Y

is a bee really a bee? And is that wasp really a wasp?

Many insects mimic wasps to protect themselves against potential predators. There's also a "bee fly" that looks very much like a furry bumblebee. See ifyou can pick the

ge t

D Ri

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My best holiday ever Julie Foskett from a mile from the hotel to Haller Park. It was here that we came literally face to face with Lincolnshire loved giraffes and giant tortoises.

Kenya so much that Ourfinal trip was to Akamba Handicrafts. she wants to move It's a cooperative that produces amazing carvings out of one piece of wood, usingthe there with her husband! crudest tools. Of course, we bought a couple of items, including a 60kg solid rosewood carving of an elephant and her calf that had to be air-freighted home. over the Indian Ocean on ourfirst trip to Having lost our hearts to Kenya. We were staying at > Somak Holi days has Kenya, Richard and I went the Travellers Beach Hotel in five nights, h alf-board, at back to the same hotel in Mombasa—a last-minute Travellers Be ach Hotel in 2008, to be greeted like old booking—but as soon as we Mombasa fro m £879 p p, friends.

This time we did a landed in the balmy Kenyan including ret urn flights three-day safari to Tsavo East, sunshine, we knew this was and transfers , valid for Tsavo West and the Amboseli going to be special.

November d epartures.

National Park. What a joy it Our first excursion Call 020 8423 3000 or was to see these animals in outside Mombasa was visit somak.c om (quote the wild where they belong. snorkelling in the breathReader's Dig est).

We've been converts ever taking waters around Wasini since, and our dream now is to live in Kenya Island and Kisite Marine Park. Shortly and enjoy its natural beauty every day. afterwards we ventured out again, just half Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we'll pay you £75. See address on p6.

COU RTES Y OF JULIE ANDRIC HARD FO SKET T

This photo takes me back to November 2007 around Sam, watchingthe sun rise

GREAT ESCAPES for July 3 OF THE BEST: CORNISH STAYS A remote, westerly outpost at Zennor, the Gurnard's Head is a luxurious foodie pub with rooms; b&b from £90 (01736796928; gurnardshead. co.uk).

Nearwater is a new four-room b&b with Shaker-style airy decor in St Mawes; b&b from £85 (01326 279278;

A CHALET BARGAIN IN THE FRENCH ALPS

festival.si).

nearwaterstmawes.co.0 k).

Westcroft Guesthouse in Kingsand is a three-room former Georgian coaching inn, 20 steps from the sea; b&b from £95 (01752 823216; westcroft guesthouse.co.uk).

CITY BREAK IN THE SUN Slovenia is at its summery best this month, in time for capital Ljubljana's annual festival. It's the country's biggest cultural event, with > Edited by Kate Pettifer READER'S DIGEST

a programme of dance, music, theatre and exhibitions (Ljubljana

rdmag.co.uk

Just Slovenia (01373

Just in time for the Tour de France, which hits Morzine on the 9th, Snowline has

814230; justslovenia. co.uk) offers three-night city breaks from £420 per person, including flights, four-star accommodation and car hire.

opened up its Alaska Lodge ski chalet in the French Alps until September. It's an affordable way to stay in this luxurious accommodation, near beautiful walking and cycling trails; from £55pp, including b&b (0844 557 3118; snowline.co.uk).

WEBSITE OF THE MONTH 101holidays.co.uk David Wickers and Mark Hodson are two of the most experienced travel journalists in the UK. This simple website distils their experience into holiday inspiration you can trust. Filter their 101 ideas by price, experience or destination —although their quiz is the most entertaining way to pin down a shortlist of suggestions. For weekends away, try spin-off site 101shortbreaks.co.uk.

143

The RD The renowned brainboxes at high-IQ society Mensa have racked their collective brains and come up with six more questions to test your mental agility.

Sounds easy? Then give yourself 20 minutes on the clock and see how you get on!

1. Place the following words in pairs so that four longer words are read.

What are the longer words?

ROW PAN STAIR OR SKID SUIT FUR CASE 2. What number should replace the question mark?

3. Find four seven-letter words that begin with Q and end in TER. What are they?

4. A train covers its outward journey at 120mph. It returns, over exactly the same distance, at 80mph. What is the train's average .8 (9 'oPk/pue.)!snyv(L, 'ydu-196= S'Z Aq PaP!A!P abz 'sinoy s- z aq pinom uarlawu Ielol ap pue sap.' otz aq aJoiaiaql pinom paianoDaDuels!p 1E101 ELLI •sinoq S' Aauinof wnlaa ayl pueJnoq auo pinomAawno[pJemro ayl `salp oz L s!aauelsp alp 4es—ydw96 (LpLIallpb pueJalipb‘..Glapb `JallenZ) (s '}ley dol apu!LiolDas al!soddo ayl annop ELul Jolpas Lpea—au!N (Z Johns pue asep_qels `uedppis`moLun ( L :S2i3MSNV

144

speed over the entire journey?

ALL QUESTIONS SUPPLIED BY MENSA. FOR FURTHER DETAILS OF MENSA IQ TESTING, VISIT WWW.MENSA.ORG.UK

5. Rearrange the letters of CYNIC SLURS MAID to give the title of a film starring Hugh Grant. What is it?

6. Complete the square with the letters of FRUIT so that no row, column or diagonal line of any length contains the same letter more than once. What letter must replace the question mark?

R

F

WHAT MAKES RONAN KEATING MAD ABOUT HIS PAST

U

If there's this really easy solution to back pain, how come so few of us know about it?

I

T

SO HOW DID YOU SCORE? One point for every correct answer 0-1 Double fault! Smash your racket!

2-3 Some attractive shots, but your all-round game needs improving.

4-5 You look great on court! Federer will be peering over his shoulder.

6 Game, set, match! The title isyours!

TECHNO UPDATE: what you'll need, what you won't—and what to beware of...

Plus: How to do everything for free!

Reader's Digest: small, but perfectly informed

ILLUSTRATED BY MARTIN O'NEILL; MATT BARON/BEI/REX FEATURES

145

Books FROM LONDON TO PLUTO-A N WILSON JOURNEYS THROUGH THE BEST NEW FICTION IMPERIAL BEDROOMS

and having conversations with other chaps

by Bret Easton Ellis (Picador, £16.99) Ellis's new novel is narrated by Clay, the protagonist of his 1985 debut Less than

in clubs. Oh, and he is having an affair with a woman called Judith.

He reckons she is costing him more than £6,000 a year, if you add up the cost of all the Indian meals they've eaten together and of all the Viagra pills he's had to swallow. He is given to sweeping, slightly mad religious thoughts, such as wondering whether the world "deserves" to continue.

"If there was a Hebrew deity looking down at humanity in the 21st century, would he not conclude that things were just as bad as they were prior to the Flood?" There is plenty of fun here, but not all the satire hits its target and I felt the writing was

being made into a movie—which it was.

But Ellis deserves his cult status and there is no sense of him going soft on us here. The wry dialogue, the brittle, heartless sex, and the sense of civilisation tumbling as the LA brat pack (now middle-aged) grab and fornicate are no less powerful than in the better, earlier books. If you've read those, you won't want to miss this one.

THE MISOGYNIST

by Piers Paul Read (Bloomsbury, £16.99) Read has been writing moral comedies for more than 4o years. The best was A Married Man, which marvellously skewered the pretensions of a rich, selfish and self-deceiving adulterer a generation ago. Jomier, his latest hero, is a similar sort of character. His wife has left him.

He spends the day writing his diary on a computer, listening to Radio 4 over lunch 146

a bit flaccid.

THE UNFIXED STARS

by Michael Byers (Picador, £12.99) I absolutely loved this novel, which is based on real events. The central character is Clyde Tombaugh, a Kansas farm-worker obsessed with astronomy who in 1930 discovered Pluto.

While Clyde is looking through his cheap telescope, the scientists at the Lowell Observatory are desperate to find the new planet they know is out there somewhere. It READER'S DIGEST • JULY ',o

DELP OR TE MAGAL I

Zero. The self-references will delight the fans and puzzle the uninitiated: Clay actually alludes to Ellis as the "author" of Less than Zero and talks about the book

is partly a matter of scientific pride, and partly, after the Wall Street Crash, a matter of national and political significance.

Byers evokes the character of Clyde—a difficult, simple man—with great warmth and wit. Another dimension to the story is the wonderful Felix DuPrie, the rich industrialist who comes West to find dinosaurs and, if possible, God. Think of the great open spaces of a John Steinbeck novel. Think of the gin-and-jazz era of Scott Fitzgerald seen through the prism of

RD Book Club Each month, we invite you to read our recommended paperback and let us have your comments and marks out of ten. Our professional critic A N Wilson then reads the same book and we report

a fine modern imagination. The result adds up to a great saga of ideas.

on how your views compare with his.

INHERITANCE

Push, by Sapphire, is narrated by 16-year-

by Nicholas Shakespeare (Harvill Secker, £12.99) Two young men—initially poor and against whom all the odds appear to be

old Precious Jones, whose life is—to say the least—not easy. She is obese, illiterate, living with a violent and abusive mother and had her first child by her own father when she was 12. When the book begins, she is pregnant by him again—

JULY'S CHOICE

stacked—become enormously rich. One, ayoungArmenian, does so in Australia in 1960, by almost literally stumbling on land that contains iron ore. The other is a hapless young publisher, half a century later, who happens to blunder into the wrong crematorium in a London suburb. By the bizarre terms of the Armenian's will, as an attender at the obsequies he receives a share of the loot. From being a penniless drudge, who works ineffectually on selfhelp-books fora hilariously described monster publisher, Andy himself learns the INHERITANCE

burden and joy of Inheritance. This is a very funny book indeed, beautifully plotted, and it tells a nice morality tale about the nature of avarice, and the absurdity of our times.

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

but also about to start at an alternative school, where her obvious intelligence will finally have a chance to shine through.

Push was recently made into the Oscarwinning film Precious.

THE VERDICT A few of you felt that by piling up Precious's problems so spectacularly, the novel was guilty of overkill. Her sexual abuse from both parents began when she was three, her first child has Down's syndrome and she ends up HIV positive— a development that some readers found a social issue too far. There was also some unease about whether Sapphire's interest in such horrors was too prurient.

At first, A N Wilson shared these anxieties: "Has Sapphire," he wondered, > 147

"given me the cheap thrill of seeing inside this girl, or has she pulled off a real, empathetic work of art?" In the end he plumped firmlyfor the second option—and

"Sapphire paints a picture of how a young person can win through against the odds if given the right help. mho."

so did most of you.

In fact, almost everyone not only liked the book but—in an interesting twist—liked

Coming up: AUGUST Brooklyn by Colm Taibin (Viking, £7.99).

SEPTEMBER Juliet, Naked by Nick Horn by

it far more than they'd expected, mainly because Precious herself was so appealing.

"The character of Precious made me confront prejudices I didn't even know I had," said reader Jude Gray. "Despite the intense, gritty realism, the reader is left with a sense of hope. My enjoyment of the book surprised me in the best possible way."

This sense of unexpected discovery may explain whyyour average mark was an impressive 9/10, with A N Wilson not far behind on 7/10.

Our Critic of the Month is Isobel Duffy from Motherwell, who wins CI00 in book tokens for this heartfelt response.

"Precious has never experienced love in her life, only abuse. Even as a six-year-old she sat in class and didn't communicate.

But under the tutelage of Miss Rain [the teacher at the alternative school], her new friends and her own inner desire to improve life for herself and her children, she gradually comes to realise that she can be a worthwhile member of society. She is a caring mother and proves to be a kind and decent girl. By the end of the novel, Precious is halfway to changing her life.

"I was moved and disturbed bythis book, and after reading it am more aware that disruptiveyoungsters may have something seriously wrong in their background and are crying out for help in the only way they know how. I will no longer be quick to judge.

148

(Penguin, £7.99) OCTOBER The Ghost by Robert Harris (Arrow, £7.99) A classic conspiracy thriller about a British prime minister accused by his enemies of war crimes and who ELLINf HOR seems to have unusually close ties with America... t'UBERT EESTS

Do you find the novel's conspiracy elements

T

_ GhTist

convincing?

Does the book work as a thriller?

Please send your comments and marks ONE MAIN3 UN% out of ten by August 15. (The deadline for Juliet, Naked is

WOE S

July 15.)

Comments, thoughts and reviews of all kinds and all lengths are welcome. In return, we'll give £100 in book tokens to the Critic of the Month and publish their verdict—in edited form—here.

Happy reading!

ADDRESS: RD Book Club, Reader's Digest, 11 Westferry Circus, Canary Wharf, London E14 4HE. Email: bookclub@readersdigest.co.uk.

Read a good book recently that you'd like us to feature in our Book Club? Send your suggestions to the email address above.

READER'S DIGEST • JULY 'to

Books that changed m life

Scott Quinnell, 37, has played both rugby union and rugby league at international level. He has 52 Welsh caps, seven of them as captain, and was selected for the British Lions. Severely dyslexic, Scott struggled to read or write until his thirties. He now works with the Dore programme, dore.co.uk, which he credits with helping him overcome his dyslexia.

THE HARRY POTTER SERIES

by J K Rowling Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was the first book I ever read from start to finish. I was 32. It took me two months, but the sense of elation I felt is hard to describe. My dyslexia had prevented me from ever being able to enjoy reading before then. As a child I used to pretend that I was immersed in a story—but it wasn't until I started the Dore programme that I gained the confidence to pick up a book for real. As I progressed through the Harry Potter series I could chart my progress, and by the time I got to the last one, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I was reading i oo pages at a time. I finished F- it in six days. My self-esteem had rocketed.

QUICK READ BOOKS g

by various authors These brilliant books are designed for people who want a short, fast read or for those who might have lost the habit and need tempting back into reading. They're only about loo pages long so you can finish one in less than two

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

hours and feel a sense of achievement.

Lots of well-known authors, from Andy McNab to Ian Rankin, have written them and I was lucky enough to contribute my own story about my struggles with dyslexia. They're rather like the starter of a meal, designed to whet the appetite for the next course.

DAN

BROWN

ANGELS AND DEMONS

by Dan Brown

I've seen a lot of fast-paced action on the rugby pitch 'AND over the years and perhaps that's why I enjoy authors like Dan Brown: he knows how to hook the reader straight away and then roll with a plot that makes you look forward to every page. I've tried other types of books that more literary people might enjoy,

NGELS

DEMONS

but this book sums up everything I have come to relish—the pleasure of sitting down and being immersed in a fantastic story, using my imagination and envisaging the characters in my mind's eye. This is a wonderful thing to have come to late in life.

I'm proof that it's never too late to change.

Caroline Hutton 149

Laughter) THE BEST MEDICINE > My boss questioned my enthusiasm today.

I can't believe he woke me up to tell me that.

John Tunney, Corby, Northamptonshire

I hate people who say time travel is a stupid idea.

It's that kind of attitude that lost us World War Three

"I'm not a good flyer"

> I got stopped by a policeman with

THIS SHOP". I picked up four bars

a radar gun the other day.

"Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?"

of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these

he asked.

"A bit, now and then," I replied. "But

is the Dairy Milk?"

I only sell to friends."

So, now, as well as three points, I'm looking at three months.

> My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.

I said, "Son, if you really want something

9 I went into my local newsagents and saw that he'd put up a big

in life you have to work for it."

Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the

sign saying,"NO READING IN

lottery numbers.

The world's untidiest man died yesterday.

He's now lying in a state Rachel Macgregor, 150

READER'S DIGEST • JULY

M, PLS RITE ON TABS 8c GIV 2 PPL If God had texted the Ten Commandments to Moses:

1.

2.

3.

4.

not b4 me. srsly. dnt wrshp pix/idols no omg's no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun 18r) 5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool 6. dnt kill ppl 7. :-X only w/ m8 8. dnt steal 9. dnt lie re: bf 10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

Jamie Quatro on mcsweeneys.net

> I don't think bigamists should be prosecuted. Surely having two mothersin-law is punishment enough?

Tracy Davidson, Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire > For most of my childhood, I was under the impression that one of the most exciting, fun-filled, action-packed professions in the world was being a plumber. Now I've picked it as a career choice, I see the mistake I've made.

Thanks for ruining my life, Mario.

I missed my bus this morning. eally shouldn't so sentimental about public transport

From the unashamedly cutesy photoblog babiesmakingfaces.com

May I have this dance?

READER'S DIGEST

rdmag.co.uk

Laughter I love doing stand-up comedy.

It's just as well, because there are no transferable job skills. I went to an interview and they said, "Mr Lawrence, what skills and experience have you got that are relevant to this position?"

I said, "Well, I can take the **** out of someone for half an hour and it'll be funny."

"That's lovely, Mr Lawrence," they said. "But it's not really what we do here at Child Line."

Comedian Andrew Lawrence

"Sometimes, I like to make chocolate bicycles out of Wagon Wheels and chocolate fingers.

Then you can park them in a Toblerone bike rack" Bill Bailey

"The Too Ugly For Television Tour

Inexplicable truths—No 20 Drinking alcohol makes you lose things emories are drip feeding back to you through an aching head. You remember havingyour keys, wallet and phone in the pub. You may have had them

M

in the taxi home, but you're not sure.

You can certainly recall checking your pockets several hundred times at the front door, as the blood-draining realisation you'd have to wake someone up to get in started to dawn.

Next morning, it's suggested frostily that you consider wearing elasticated mittens—as seen strung through

152

toddlers' coats—except, in place of gloves, your keys should be tied to one end and your phone to the other.

"And what of my dignity?" you mutter under your breath. Then you crack: "So you've never lost anything when you're drunk?"

"No. Never."

"Really? What about your virginity?"

"Oh, yes, there was that."

Jeff Green

READER'S DIGEST JULY ',o

C HOCO LA TEBICYCLECONS TRUC TED BY S TEVECAPLIN

2010" is at the Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, August 4-29.

I have mixed emotions when I receive Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me, but I'm disappointed they actually think I dress that way Comedian Mike Dugan "Not that one, nurse. That's his MP3 player"

SAFETY IN NUMBERS Webblog learnfrommy fail. corn gives you a clear route through life by drawing wisdom from the mistakes of other users • Take your dentist's advice and go home after a wisdom-tooth extraction. Do not go back to the office. You WILL email your customers and they WILL NOT like what you have to say.

Happy In Vicodinland

hair that came out while you were washing and NOT the most terrifying bugyou've ever seen.

I almost picked it up • Just because you can do something on the trampoline doesn't mean you can do it on the ground. Seth • When crossing an international border, never answer "Not today" when asked if you are bringing in any guns or explosives. Christina

• If you see a hairy-

• Even though the bottle says not to

looking brown thing in the shower, ALWAYS look to make sure that it is in fact

drive or operate heavy machinery, assume this also means "online

READER'S DIGEST • rdmag.co.uk

shopping" and "give your dog a new haircut".

ToomanyweirdPackages • Tell your grandmother your little brother just needs to end his video game, not that he's "going to kill himself, then we can go to dinner". Miss Spoke • When your girlfriend tells you she thinks she's pregnant, don't try to reassure her by telling her she's "not glowing".

MrSensitivity • When frantically trying to pull over because you hear a police siren, make sure the siren isn't part of the song on the radio.

Not loving this song

153

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155

BUYLINES HEALTH To advertise in this section please call Emma Briedis on 020 3177 1167

Night time support for the menopause The menopause is a natural stage of life that every woman goes through. Thousands of women worldwide have discovered that Menopace, the UK's No.1 selling supplement for this stage of life, gives them effective nutritional support to help maintain health and vitality. New Menopace Night is a specially formulated food supplement for women during and after the menopause that are looking for additional support at night. Optimal nutrition is important during the menopause, whether or not you decide to take HRT. Menopace Night provides a unique formula of 24 advanced nutrients combining all the benefits of the proven original Menopace® multinutrient tablet with the additional support of Chamomile, Hops and 5-HTP (5Hyd roxytryptophan).

Menopace Night is available in the UK from Boots, chemists, health stores and www.menopace.com priced at £12.95 for 30 tablets (one p/day)

HOTLINES STAIRLIFTS FROM HELPTHEAGED

Low Price Guarantee* Call for a quotation or information From A Name 0800 019 8625 You Can Trust ask an advisor for details. Age Concern England and Help the Aged merged on the 1st April 2009. Together they have 'Please ask formed Age UK (charity No. 1128267), a single charity dedicated to improving the lives of older people. 50% of all stairtift profits go directly to the charity. Help the Aged working in partnership with Minivator Group.

CANOPIES UK If you are looking for a patio canopy, a car port or a door canopy, Canopies UK have the perfect range for your home.

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Beat the Cartoonist WIN £200 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the comedy experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-July alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £200 and the original, signed drawing. Submityour captions to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 6 by July 12.

You can also enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption_ contest.php. We'll announce the winner in our September issue.

MAY'S WINNER It's two wins on the spin for the cartoonists. The always-excellent Peter Kingtriumphed with "Your mum and dad are really friendly." But he only just made it, beating mysterious contributor "justaoneoff" by one vote.

This man or woman who didn't give a name (it was probably a rival cartoonist) came second with "At least she isn't hanging

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SCOREBOARD: Readers 10 Cartoonists 6 READER'S DIGEST rdmag.co.uk

159

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Win

Riser Recliners

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-here are many claims that are made, ,ut really how versatile is a rising and eclining chair?

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Willowbrook we are proud of our hard earned :putation for producing quality products and - .-oviding exceptional standards of service. 'le following extracts are genuine and taken from stimonial letters received from satisfied users of villowbrook rising and reclining chairs.

ervice tl your staff have been pleasant and helpful and must pay special tribute to your advisor who .Amonstrated and advised on my choice of recliner, 44ry impressed" Mrs B. Gloucestershire

ositional support 10 longer have to put strain on my hands, elbows id shoulders to get up from a sitting position — thus ising the pain in my upper body. I would always commend Willowbrook to anyone wishing to make eir life easier" Mrs Willesden, Gloucestershire

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rooter. Willowbrook, Mercury House, Kingwood Road, Hampton Lovett, Droitwich Spa, Worcestershire, WR9 OQH. Promotion open to all UK mainland residents. By entering I agree to these rules. Competition start date is 25th June 2010, all entries received after 7pm on the 30th July 2010 will not be considered and entries will not be returned. iy one entry permitted per household. Entries made in bulk or by third parties are prohibited. All entries are entered into our monthly prize draw and the winner will be drawn andom at the end of each month. Your chances of winning are based on the number of entries received. We will also select 100 random qualifier prizes. The winner's prize be a Willowbrook riser recliner chosen from six designs selected from the Willowbrook range. Optional extras will be charged as per the Willowbrook retail price list. me 100 qualifiers will each receive £150 trade-in for their old chair and a 35% discount on their purchase of an electrically powered lift and recline chair. There is no cash :rnative and the prize is not transferable. Our decision as to the winner is final. Winners will be notified within 10 days of the end of each month. A list of winners can be found zww.willowbrook.cosuk/winners.php Please tick box in coupon if you DO NOT wish to receive product information from Willowbrook.

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