Reader's Digest UK Feb 2017

Michael Rosen: “Art has something to say to politics”

Fish & Chips: 7 Of Britain’s Best Chippies PAGE 20

Age-Gap Love: Defying The Decades PAGE 62 PAGE 72

FEATURES

12 IT’S A MANN’S WORLD

Olly Mann is celebrating an impressive career anniversary

Entertainment

20 MICHAEL ROSEN INTERVIEW

The author chats about politics, YouTube and the secret life of his hero

28 “I REMEMBER”: CHRIS TARRANT

The presenter on near-death experiences and what he cherishes in life Health

36 EMBRACE YOUR WORRIES

Discover how emerging research may change our view of stress

54 GOOD HEALTH NEWS

Exploring the developments that are set to enhance medical treatments—and survival rates

Inspire

62 MIND THE GAP!

Meet the couples whose affections have traversed the decades

70 100-WORD-STORY COMPETITION

Enter now to be in with the chance of winning £2,000!

72 BEST OF BRITISH: FISH & CHIPS

The classic dish is enjoying a revival in these chic chippies

Travel & Adventure

82 THE OTHER HONOLULU

There’s more to Hawaii than surfing and beaches

94 ENCOUNTER IN THE AFRICAN BUSH

The astonishing tale of one man’s experience in the wild

EDITOR’S LETTER

WHAT DO YOU VALUE IN LIFE? It’s a big question, but one that this month’s features address in various ways. On p28 broadcaster Chris Tarrant opens up about near-death experiences and how they’ve changed his perspective; writer Michael Rosen explains why every story should be personal on p20; and in “Embrace Your Worries” on p36 we learn why stress might be an important part of our days after all.

Of course, our relationships form a huge part of our lives. On p62 we speak to three happy couples whose affections have defied both decades and expectations, while in “Encounter in the African Bush” on p94 we hear the incredible story of one man’s night in the wild. His experience may well make you reflect on our relationship with our fellow creatures.

Finally, I think we can all agree that good food adds value to our lives and, with that in mind, we take a tour of the best fish-and-chip shops in the country on p72. Enjoy!

Fiona Hicks

theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk

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The food of love

They say the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach, and we’ve got all the dishes you’ll need to see you through the season of love. Why not whip up some aphrodisiacs to get you in the mood with the recipes at readersdigest.co.uk/ aphrodisiacs? If lavish meals aren’t your style, keep things cute with the perfect breakfast in bed. Visit readersdigest.co.uk/breakfast-in-bed

Riding solo?

Being single on Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to indulge in a little selfcare. We’ve got five ideas for treating yourself at readersdigest.co.uk/ single-valentines.

Looking to meet somebody new? Try Reader’s Digest Dating for free at readersdigestdating.co.uk and chat with like-minded singles.

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These adorable pups prove that there’s no better best man than man’s best friend.

See the full gallery at readersdigest.co.uk/ wedding-dogs

Over to You

LETTERS ON THE DECEMBER ISSUE

We pay £50 for Letter of the Month and £30 for all others

✯ LETTER OF THE MONTH...

Years ago I was invited to a party where all the men were rugby players. Imagine my surprise when this burly young buck sat down at the piano and started to play.

We were enthralled—even his team mates, who had no idea that this skillful athlete was also a fantastic piano player.

In “If I Ruled the World”, James Rhodes stated that every child should have the opportunity to learn a musical instrument. He believes that the process of learning and playing has many benefits outside music, including academic prowess.

There’s no doubt that discipline, attitude and sensitivity are all by-products of a musical background. Children growing up in this frenetic age would benefit enormously if this were part of the school curriculum.

PHILIPPA SAMPSON, Devon

A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

I very much enjoyed “How to Live to 100”. It seems that, in the majority of cases, longevity is down to everything in moderation. But then there’s always an exception to the rule— and my Great Aunt Nell fell into this “exceptional” category.

Born in London in 1890, she lived

until the grand old age of 105. During her lifetime, I don’t think I ever saw her without a cigarette in her hand. She also had a tot of whisky in her morning coffee and a bottle of stout in the evening.

As she got older, she told me that the best philosophy was to live life to the full. She was one of the most jolly

people I know. I can’t remember her ever complaining and she never gossiped or had a bad word to say about anybody.

I like to think I’ve taken on parts of her philosophy—I try not to gossip, make the most of life and, even when things get tough, I drag myself up and tell myself that “all things happen for a reason”.

Such is the case at the moment: due to a bad fall down the stairs, I’ve been practically chair-bound for three months. I’ve taken this as an opportunity to begin writing again— a passion I haven’t had time to indulge for the last 30-odd years!

I’m truly honoured to have known Great Aunt Nell.

JACKIE MONEY, Norwich

HITTING THE RIGHT NOTE

James Rhodes’ ideals in “If I Ruled the World” had me cheering aloud— until I was struck by the inherent contradiction between “We’d be more honest” and “Kindness would be our primary aim”.

Sorry James, but your laudable ambitions can never resolve the famous “Does my bum look big in this?” conundrum.

On balance, I’m convinced that compassion is a greater good than

absolute verity—but then I’ve been married for very many years.

BOB KELLEY, Surrey

FUNNY FUNCTIONS

It was reassuring reading “Don’t Worry, It’s Normal” about those embarrassing bodily functions. Our bodies certainly can do some funny things, but your helpful article made me realise that most of these awkward moments only mean that my body is functioning properly— and help is at hand to find out what I could do about some of them!

And remember, if all else fails, just say, “Excuse me.” No need for any other explanation!

AMELIE BARNS, Denbighshire

MEAT & MONTY

I enjoyed learning more about Monty Don in “I Remember”. He made me smile when he remembered the scary gamekeepers. I lived on a country estate when I was a small child and was frightened of their gamekeeper. He used to hang up dead animals outside our porch for my mother. She was delighted and put them in casseroles—and I spent all my time fishing the meat out. Perhaps it explains why I’m now a vegetarian!

LOIS JONES, Clwyd

see the world

turn the page

...differently

it’s safe to say that the winter storm “Jonas” will be remembered by new yorkers (and many others) for a very long time. in January 2015, the blizzard paralysed large swathes of the us. in new york’s central park, for example, nearly 70cm of snow fell—more than any other storm in recorded history. even in the city’s spectacularly busy times square, traffic came to a complete standstill for a day. However, the new yorkers were determined to make the best of it— turning the famous intersection into a winter wonderland.

Olly Mann is celebrating a professional anniversary— and the many lessons he’s learned along the way

Reporting From The Front Line

Olly Mann is host of The Male Room on Radio

4, and presents many podcasts including The Modern Mann and Answer Me This!

I’VE BEEN A PODCASTER FOR TEN YEARS. Compared to the longevity of other people’s careers, this isn’t much to crow about: it’s hardly three decades down a mine, half a century manning a family business or a lifetime dedicated to the priesthood.

But when you reflect that, for the majority of those years, making downloadable radio programmes (when discussed at all) was chiefly considered a step towards some other goal (“Oh, he’s doing a podcast because he can’t get a radio show”; “Young people don’t want audio, they want mobile video”; “No-one makes money from podcasting”), it’s worth noting that, ten years on, I’m still here, making free podcasts, and more people than ever are listening. Go me.

SO, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO SHARE WHAT I’VE LEARNED. Rather a lot about microphones and bandwidth and compression and RSS feeds and hosting platforms and audio recorders…but that’s for the birds. (Or, perhaps, for the nerds.) Yet in my decade at the podcasting coalface, I’ve absorbed a few lessons worth heeding, whatever you do for a living. Because, whether you begin as a bedroom blogger, YouTuber or indeed independent podcaster, you are, essentially, an entrepreneur. You may have a staff of one, and your product may be You, but there are plenty of practices transferable to any start-up business, club or society.

BY DANNY ALLISON

LESSON ONE: SELF-PROMOTION ISN’T EVIL. I’m not the kind of chap who enjoys walking up to people at a party, shoving a business card in their face and telling them how wonderful I am—no English person is. But, when

you make your own radio show online, with no corporate backing, the only way folks are going to hear what you have to say is if you tell them about it. The competitive marketplace is no place for shy guys.

LESSON TWO: BE ALERT TO YOUR OWN AWFULNESS. This seems to contradict Lesson One, but the two are linked: hours of editing your own voice leads to an acute understanding of when your product is good (and therefore worth shouting about) and when it is below-par (and therefore needs to be re-recorded). I always advise people starting a new podcast not to tell anyone about it until they’re a few weeks into the series. Attention spans are short, and if a new listener presses play on a dud episode, that’s it—you’ve lost them forever. Make sure the first time someone engages with your product, it’s the best you can muster.

and surprising. They enjoy being challenged. I had no data to tell me that this approach would work. I just made the show I wanted to hear.

Attention spans are short, and if a new listener presses play on a dud episode, that’s it— you’ve lost them forever

LESSON THREE: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. My new podcast The Modern Mann is a magazine show— and therefore, on the face of it, a terrible idea. Internet users expect a consistent experience, so why serve up an interview with a former Islamic extremist one week, and a woman touring the brown signs of Britain the next? Why plunge listeners from sex advice to our song of the week? Because people aren’t robots, that’s why. They respond to stuff that feels personally curated, quirky

LESSON FOUR: LISTEN TO YOUR AUDIENCE. My panel-discussion programme The Media Podcast started life as Media Talk, a podcast made by The Guardian. They canned it because they felt the download numbers were too small to justify funding it—even though our listenership comprised affluent broadcasters, strategists and publishers; valuable to advertisers. Our listeners told us they wanted more, so we continued the show on our own, paid for via crowd-funding.

LESSON FIVE: LET YOUR AUDIENCE KNOW YOU LOVE THEM. My comedy podcast Answer Me This! revolves around interactivity: our format urges listeners to ask me and co-host Helen Zaltzman any question they like. But we never take such contributions for granted. We’ve been known to email people back with a personal response, even if their question hasn’t made it into the show. If we’re doing a book-signing, live event, or spin-off album, we tell

our most loyal fans first. In return, they’re even more connected to our show—baking us cakes, sending us donations, and, in one terrifying example, getting a tattoo of our faces on their boobs. (I think—I hope—that this was a Photoshop job.)

LESSON SIX: MILK YOUR FRIENDS.

My shows have been at their best when I harness the skills of clever people I know, who write my theme tunes, design my graphics, sing my jingles and promote my content—

very often for nothing more in return than one of Helen’s roast chickens. It’s amazing how your mates, who may have boring day jobs, will give up a weekend to indulge their creativity.

But by far the biggest lesson the last ten years has taught me is just how much can happen when you simply take the plunge and try something out. In 2007, I was a TV researcher with a secret longing to be a radio presenter; in 2017, I’m a full-time broadcaster. Was it worth it? Ask me in 2027.

KITCHEN DRAMAS

For every Delia, there’s a disaster—and Twitter is full of them.

@Karissajem: “Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner.

Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*Googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*”

@lemmywinkler: “Billion-dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, ‘I’m just cooking!’ ”

@ddsmidt: “A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook.”

@Xplodingunicorn: “Five-year-old: ‘Why do we say grace?’

Me: ‘I don’t know.’

Five-year-old: [looks thoughtful]

Me: [looks blank]

Five-year-old: ‘Is it because your cooking makes God angry?’ ”

@MittenDAmour: “How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:

1. Pour out how much you think you need.

2. Wrong.”

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Films

B y farhana gani Movie

of the Month

Loving is produced by Colin Firth

■ period: LOVING It’s difficult to imagine that until 1967—only 50 years ago —interracial marriage was forbidden in the Southern states of the US. Loving is a beautifully filmed true story based on a shy and unassuming couple, Richard and Mildred Loving, who were jailed, then barred from their home state of Virginia after marrying in Washington, DC. Richard was white and Mildred black. Their plight reached the desk of a young lawyer working with the US Civil Rights movement and he battled to get their case in front of the US Supreme Court and alter the Constitution. Stars Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga deliver a very human drama that will move you to anger and fury at the senselessness of our not-so-distant past.

■ Biopic: THE FOUNDER If you think a film dedicated to the man who turned a fast-food joint into the McDonald’s empire couldn’t be that interesting, you’re wrong. Michael Keaton stars as the shady salesman Ray Kroc in an entertaining, controversial and Oscartipped parable of self-made excess gained at the expense of others. This is a film in tune with our politically cynical times —and more satisfying than a Big Mac!

■ romance: FIFTY SHADES

DARKER Fans of Fifty Shades of Grey are in for a thrilling ride! We left Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) rejecting the lifestyle of her billionaire boyfriend Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and walking away. The sequel opens with Grey in hot pursuit, and Ana soon falls under his erotic spell. But the course of kinky love doesn’t run smoothly as jealousy rears its ugly head in the shape of Ana’s new boss and Christian’s ex-lover.

■ history: DENIAL Rachel Weisz, Tom Wilkinson and Timothy Spall star in David Hare’s gripping courtroom drama, based on the libel case that made headlines in the 1990s. Writer Deborah Lipstadt branded the Hitler historian David Irving (Spall) a Holocaust denier, a liar and a bigot. He promptly took her to court. It’s down to her legal team, headed by Richard Rampton (Wilkinson) to prove the Holocaust happened in order to win the case.

■ drama: LION Nicole Kidman plays an Australian woman who adopts two Indian boys in this intimate, Oscarworthy true story. Dev Patel, of Slumdog Millionaire fame, is Saroo, a young man who embarks on an epic search for the Indian family he was accidentally separated from as a five-year-old. The shining star of the film is cub actor Sunny Pawar, who delivers an astoundingly real and penetrating performance, including a bathtub scene with Kidman that will stay with you forever. There will be tears.

Lion is Sunny Pawar’s first feature film

On Your Radar Sue Watt, writing student

Watching: Homeland (box set) I’m watching the first series and it’s addictive viewing. The plot is thickening and I’m glued to my sofa.

Reading: Time and Time

Again by Ben elton A great read with some education on the First World War thrown in.

l

Online: daily yoga

This is a cute little iPhone app that helps me to practise yoga whenever and wherever the mood takes me.

istening: 25 by adele

This soothing album is playing over and over in my car just now—preventing any road rage.

Fancy appearing in this section? Send your current cultural favourites, along with short descriptions, to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk

Rachel Weisz as Deborah Lipstadt

DVD of the month

■ CONNECTIONS

How did the nautical instruments of the Elizabethan age give rise to the atom bomb? This landmark 1978 BBC series examines the surprising links and happy accidents that led scientists to discover and develop the key technologies of our time.

Music

Life & Livin’ It by sinkane

If you find yourself grumpily counting down the days till spring and longing for some warmth and sunshine, Sudanese/ American musician

Sinkane’s new record is just the thing to pull you through. Life and Livin’ It does exactly what it says on the tin: it’s a life-affirming collection of funky tunes that will make you want to sing, hop and stomp—you won’t be able to sit down even if you try. An electrifying blend of Africa-inspired melodies, soulful vocals, steamy horns and Cuban beats, it takes you on a journey of music tropes ranging from Fela Kuti to Michael Jackson. And the best bit? Those flavoursome, multi-layered arrangements that make the most out of every beat—and will leave you begging for more!

On Our Radar

Broadstairs Blues festival, february 17–19. The Kent town comes alive with a weekend of free gigs featuring more than 50 bands. Visit broadstairs bluesbash.com for details.

coastival arts festival in scarborough, february 18–19. Enjoy “unexpected” music and art events in unusual locations. Visit coastival.com for details.

Jorvik Viking festival in york, february 20–26.

Key tracks: “U-Huh, “Favorite Song”, “Passenger” Like this? You may also like: Ibeyi, Rocket Juice & the Moon, The Souljazz Orchestra

Celebrate the city’s Norse heritage with lectures, guided walks and battle re-enactments. Visit jorvik-viking-festival. co.uk for details.

Personal Story A

He’s one of the best-known figures in children’s literature—but Michael Rosen’s latest book is for adults. He speaks to Anna Walker about politics, underpants and the secret life of his hero

Michael Rosen is giving M e a vocabula Ry lesson. I’m trying to pronounce “Émile Zola”, but in my blunt English accent it’ll only come out as “Em-eel Zo-lah”. Not satisfied with simply helping me to pronounce it in French—“Emeel Zowla”—he has moved onto the Italian, “Emill Zzola”.

Spending time with the former children’s laureate has the nostalgic air of a private lesson with your favourite teacher. When he’s finished his perfect pronunciation, Michael quips, “Of course, my Italian’s not very good—except for saying, ‘With mushrooms, please’. ”

I try again. With a small sigh he concedes, “Well, in English we can just say, ‘Emil Zowlah’. ”

Despite looking exactly like the Quentin Blake characters that populate many of his children’s stories (of which there are more than 100), in the flesh Michael is far less animated than you might imagine. He quietly takes a seat opposite me, gathering up his sprawling limbs until he looks the very image of Rodin’s The Thinker.

Written for adults, The Disappearance of Émile Zola is the riveting true account of a lost period in the life of one of France’s most famous writers. Émile Zola was the pioneer of naturalism and author of Germinal and La Bête Humaine.

Michael follows the years in which Zola fled his homeland and sought refuge in South London, having spoken out against a case of anti-Semitic injustice that went to the core of the French government.

I think art does have something to say to politics, about politics. Artists have an ear to the pulse of humanity

Known the world over for his beloved children’s book, We’re Going On a Bear Hunt—which hasn’t been out of print since its first publication 27 years ago—Michael’s latest project is something of a departure from his usual style.

“I knew his novels, I’d seen the films and I was reading on the internet when I realised that he’d come to England. I thought, Really? Zola in England? That seems so incongruous. This is the novelist of the lower classes and miners and steamy affairs—and here he was trogging about in South London. I suddenly thought, This is an extraordinary story.”

It’s one made all the more fascinating through its parallels with the present day. Before Zola leaves France, crowds gather to chant, “Go

back to Venice. Go back to the Jews.” In the wake of migration, Brexit and reports of racism on the rise in Britain, it’s clear that Zola’s world wasn’t too far removed from our own.

“You only have to listen to the news each morning!” Michael exclaims, arms gesturing fervidly. “Today we have the Casey Report [an independent review for the government written by Dame Louise Casey, which looked into integration] accusing one group [Britain’s Muslim population] of being segregated at a time when we have many segregations in society. Casey could just have easily raised financial inequality, but she didn’t. I feel very uneasy when that sort of thing goes on.”

Politics hAs been A lifelong PAssion for Michael, and one that’s landed him in trouble more than once. Fired and blacklisted by the BBC back in 1972 because of his outspoken Marxist views, he’s no stranger to the kind of political discrimination faced by Émile Zola over a century ago.

“I think art has something to say to politics, about politics. And it’s not a bad idea to listen, because quite often artists have an ear to the pulse of humanity, rather than, say, the bureaucratic needs of how we can

French writer Émile Zola inspired Michael’s latest book—as well as the name of his youngest son

marshal different groups of people.”

Of course, no Michael Rosen project would be complete without a little silliness—this is the author of such titles as Fluff the Farting Fish after all. Even in this ostensibly depressing tale, there are moments of laugh-out-loud comedy.

“He didn’t have any underpants!”

Michael cries as we discuss Zola’s first days in England. Having arrived with nothing more than a nightshirt, he went from store to store miming his way to a new wardrobe.

“He was able to mime for socks, and does exactly what my mum used to do, which is put your fist down and

measure round it. Somehow or other, perhaps he was just self-conscious, he couldn’t point to his…underneath.”

Michael pauses to gesture downward, clearly as self-conscious as Zola.

It’s obvious as we’re talking just how much research this project required. At 70, Michael is still a prolific worker. It’s a rare day when he doesn’t have at least one novel or poetry collection on the go.

Add to that his Radio 4 show, Word of Mouth, his YouTube channel, his blog, his position as Professor of Children’s Literature at Goldsmiths and his family (Rosen lives in North London with his third wife, producer Emma-Louise Williams, and is father to five children and two step-children, the youngest of whom are still preteens), and you have to wonder how on earth he finds the time.

“I must say this project was one of

the hardest. Every time I started a new chapter, it opened up another avenue. I made time because I was just so absorbed by the story.”

this dedicAtion is tyPicAl, as much of Michael’s work is intensely personal. Sad Book, for example, explores Michael’s grief over his son Eddie, who died suddenly of meningitis in 1999, when he was just 18. Does he ever find it odd, to think that strangers know such intimate details of his life?

“My dad was an English teacher, and he taught me, ‘Always start with a personal story.’ At school I was constantly set essays with dull titles such as ‘Trees’. The worst opening line you could ever write was, ‘There are many kinds of tree.’ My dad said, ‘You can say oaks are like this and elms are like that later, but for goodness’ sake,

Michael presenting BBC Radio 4’s Word of Mouth

start with the personal.’ Ever since then I have, so I don’t mind. Whether my family do is another matter…”

The personal nature of his work caused Michael no end of bother when the video-sharing website YouTube first arrived on the scene. A group calling themselves “Poopers” began chopping up his poetry to create humorous montage videos they dubbed “Poops”. These fan clips were mostly innocent fun, but occasionally took an X-rated turn.

My dad was an English teacher, and he taught me, ‘Always start with a personal story’—and ever since then I have

“Do I mind now? Absolutely not. When I was 15, I had the record of Beyond the Fringe and there’s nothing I’d have liked more than to take Alan Bennett saying, ‘Is there a little bit of sardine in the corner of your life?’ [sic] and change it to, ‘Is there a bit of baked bean in the corner of your life?’. ”

“The thing that bothered me most was the idea that six-year-olds would happen upon them,” he sighs. “But then the Poopers came back with a legitimate reply. They asked, ‘Would you let your kids wander around the Red Light District alone? No? Then why do parents let their kids wander around the internet alone? More fool the parents! Stick the filters on and 99 per cent won’t get through.’ ”

When he talks about the Poopers, Michael visibly softens. It’s as though they’re a gang of his own children, rather than the anonymous trolls I first imagined. It’s a softening that’s echoed when I ask him whether Émile Zola was the namesake for his youngest son, Emile.

“Indeed. It is, as you would say in French, après Zola. Yes.”

And with a wry smile and that final flurry of French, class is dismissed.

michael’s The Disappearance of Émile Zola (faber & faber, £16.99) is out now.

l et’s do the time WA r P A g A in!

These facts will completely disorientate your sense of time. oxford University is older than the Aztec civilisation.

the eiffel tower was inaugurated the same year that nintendo was founded. some whales that are alive today were born before Moby-Dick was written.

soUrce: bUZZfeed com

Why settle for someone else’s plan when you can...

Create Your Own Path

BUSTING THE MYTH OF “YOUR” HOLIDAY

Every once in a while, a space magically appears in your calendar that gives you the freedom to do whatever you want. It’s that long-awaited holiday.

From the second your suitcase is packed, you’re in holiday mode. Your phone rings straight through to voicemail. Your email automatically sends those glorious “Out of Office” replies. And to-do lists? Forgot about it.

People go on holidays all the time. But most holidays actually belong to somebody else—and they’re simply designed to look good in a glossy brochure. So why are you paying for somebody else’s holiday when you could be crafting your own instead?

DISCOVER YOUR OWN PART OF THE WORLD

Reader’s Digest Cruise Club is free to join, and is helping its members break free from the travel restrictions of other people’s holidays. We connect each Cruise Club member with their own, personal consultant over at our travel partner, Fusion Cruises.

When you’re in the Cruise Club, the destinations you’ve longed to visit can be brought together into one, bespoke holiday. Leave behind the typical cruise tourists and access remote areas the locals know like the back of their hands. Venture off the beaten track to find soaring Alpine glaciers or steamy rainforests. Make sure you’re in Hong Kong for Chinese New Year or in Alaska

for whale-watching season. And avoid the pre-selected, airport-restricted flights that most cruises and travel agencies offer, tailoring your holiday to any airport that suits you.

Sound expensive? Well, that’s another myth. Fusion Cruises is an independent agency so, with no financial affiliation to any cruise liner, they can actually source the best prices possible.

TRAVEL LIKE A LOCAL, CRUISE IN LUXURY

There’s something special about drifting between places. Time stops demanding, and the ho-hum of everyday life drifts

blissfully away beyond your reach. Mornings begin each day in a completely different part of the world, and you can send a postcard from every stop along the way.

As you glide along rolling coasts and past sparkling skylines, you find yourself at the heart of local experience. You see cities through its inhabitants’ eyes, haggling with locals at bustling street markets and listening to the tales of grand palaces told in exotic accents.

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Chris Tarrant, 70, has been a broadcaster for more than 40 years. He hosted TV programmes Tiswas and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? and spent 17 years at the helm of Capital Radio’s breakfast show

Chris Tarrant

“I Remember”

…THINKING MY PARENTS HAD ABANDONED ME. One evening, when I was less than three years old, my parents went to the cinema and left me in the good care of Esme, who lived in the flat upstairs. But I woke up in the middle of the night and I can still remember my confused panic and fear when I couldn’t find my mother.

The moment when my parents walked back through the door, with my mum wearing a white coat and my dad in a smart suit, is still so clear in my mind. I was an only child and my parents, Basil and Jean, rarely left my side.

…OUR HOUSE WAS ALWAYS FULL OF SOLDIERS. Dad’s friends would gather to chat about the war. It seemed to me that the ones who talked the most had done the least, while men like my dad, who had seen unimaginable horrors, were usually the quietest.

They were a different generation and kept things to themselves—it was too painful to revisit. My dad was in some of the most significant campaigns of the Second World War, including the D-Day landings and brutal fighting in Cleve, and was one of the last men off the beach at Dunkirk. My mother didn’t even

Chris’s passion for fishing was instilled in him by his grandfather Stanley; (right) Chris as a child

know he’d been at Dunkirk; I found that out much later when I researched my book about him, Dad’s War.

…MY FATHER’S SCARS.

Three weeks before peace was declared, a land mine blew up his jeep. His arm was badly injured but a brilliant surgeon managed to save it, taking huge skin grafts from his stomach to patch it up. When

Presenting the hugely successful Saturday-morning children’s show, Tiswas, with Sally James

we went on seaside holidays and Dad took off his shirt, people would give him funny looks. It didn’t phase me at all; to me those scars were his badge of courage.

Mum believed her place was in the home. So Dad went to work and her job was to look after him—shining his shoes, straightening his tie, cooking breakfast and fussing over the tiniest bit of fluff on his suit.

…MY GRANDMOTHER CHASING

MY GRANDFATHER WITH A FRYING PAN. They used to fight like cat and dog. But when my grandmother died, after 62 years of

marriage, Stanley Tarrant was devastated. He even tried to get into her grave at her funeral, which was awful to witness.

Stanley was one of my best friends; he taught me to fish, which has remained a lifelong passion of mine, and he’d show me birds’ nests and badger sets. He gave me my first book on railways when I was eight years old.

We always chatted on the phone and then one day—he was 86 by then— he said, “I’m getting married again but she’s a lot younger than me so try not to be shocked.” Why he chose me as the family moral arbiter, I’m not sure, but my heart sank until I asked how old she was and he said, “She’s 74.” Peggy put another ten years on his life and we all loved her.

…DANGEROUS LIFTS BACK FROM SCHOOL.

Our maths teacher used to drive me and my friend home and give us extra tuition. He had a beat-up old Vauxhall and the only warmth came from a paraffin heater he’d put in the back with us.

The fumes were terrible, but if we tried to get air he’d shout, “Shut the window, lads!” Imagine if that happened nowadays—he’d get ten years inside!

My grandfather Stanley was one of my best friends; he taught me to fish, which has remained a lifelong passion of mine

…BEING A LONG-DISTANCE TRUCK DRIVER. During student holidays I’d deliver lawn mowers all over the country. I was built like a gorilla then so it was no problem loading the truck by myself early in the mornings.

I was quite shy so I loved being on my own on the road, stopping for a bacon sandwich along the way.

…WRITING TO EVERY TELEVISION

COMPANY

IN

THE UK and telling them, “I’m the face of the 70s—this is your last chance to snap me up!”

After stints as a teacher (the toughest job I ever had) and in the Central Office of Information, I thought telly might be fun.

Most of the companies turned me down—“We’ll keep your letter on file”, which we all know means the waste-paper basket— but ATV offered me a job as a regional reporter; my first step on the presenting ladder.

…HAVING THE BEST FUN OF MY CAREER.

Presenting Tiswas was brilliant. We were just a bunch of youngsters mucking about. We’d write the script on beer mats in the pub the night before the show; we didn’t want to change the world, we just enjoyed being a bit silly.

I’ve done many after-dinner speeches throughout my life and, without fail, the first audience question is always about Tiswas. I think you can even do a university thesis on it now!

Regaling listeners during his famous breakfast show on Capital FM

…MY PROUDEST AWARD WIN WAS AT THE SONY RADIO ACADEMY AWARDS. I won the Gold Award for career achievement in 2001. We hadn’t inherited a format when I started presenting in 1987 so we had to be innovative.

The idea of having a central “ringmaster” DJ with his gang was brand new then, and we became London’s most popular breakfast show. It was all about spontaneity. I used to turn up and think, What are we going to talk about this morning?

…WALKING AROUND TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THE BIRTH OF MY FIRST CHILD, HELEN. It was a miracle. I know that babies are born all the time but when it actually

At the Capital FM Awards; (below) posing alongside a very happy Judith Keppel, the first contestant to win the £1 million jackpot on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

happens to you personally, it feels really incredible.

Having six children is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hold the memories of them growing up very tight. I’ve got five grandchildren now; they call me “Silly Old Grandpa”.

…GIVING AWAY £1 MILLION. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling to know you’re about to change someone’s

I’ll admit to feeling pretty scared. I asked what the alarm noise meant and our pilot said, ‘We’re going down too fast’

life. It was two years before I handed over the first £1 million cheque on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?.

Yet at the point when I’d asked Judith Keppel if that was her final answer—and nearly 14 million people were waiting in suspense to see if we’d got our first millionaire— I said, “We’ll take a break.” That was fun.

…THE NIGHT THE “COUGHING MAJOR”

WON. Charles Ingram was convicted of deception in the courts, but on the actual night I didn’t hear fellow contestant Tecwen Whittock’s coughing amid the other studio audience noise.

I did think the major was rather mad though and certainly not very clever. For a start he’d used up two of his three lifelines very early on. And he kept going on about how he wanted to buy ponies for his daughters. So when I asked him if he wanted to play for the £1 million, I reminded him that the £500,000 he already had would reduce to £32,000 if he got the question wrong.

The major was the only person who’d got that far who said, “Yes, yes, let’s play,” straight away—and I remember thinking how irresponsible that was to his family. But of course he knew he’d get the question right.

…BEING IN A FALLING HELICOPTER

PACKED WITH DYNAMITE OVER THE CANADIAN ROCKIES. Filming Extreme Railways around the world has been wonderful but there have been some scary moments. This one time we’d helicoptered up to see how they prevent avalanches falling on railways. I had to chuck a stick of dynamite out of the door and watch it explode.

When we turned to do another drop the clouds closed in, the windows went white and an alarm went off. I’ll admit to being pretty scared, knowing that the jagged peaks of the Rockies were just below us, so I asked what the noise meant.

Our pilot said, “We’re going down too fast.” Which I took to mean, “We’re crashing”...seconds later the clouds cleared and I’ve lived to tell the tale.

…THE WONDERFUL SMELL OF THE TRAINS IN

JAPAN. Honestly, they smell of lavender or something. When have you ever got on-board a train in the UK and said, “Oh, this one smells nice”? Never, because they all smell bad.

Those Japanese bullet trains are incredible. One time we clocked going 208 miles an hour and our coffees weren’t even shaking. And every single one gets there exactly on time—to the second. They’ve got something right there.

…LEARNING MY LIMITS. I had a stroke on a flight from Bangkok in 2014 and was rushed to hospital. I’m forever grateful to all the people who helped me.

The consultant told me that when I came into the hospital, he’d thought that I’d be spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair. That really

spooked me. So I’ve kind of grown up a bit now; I don’t drink whisky, I’m careful with my diet and I don’t work as hard as I used to.

…REMINDING MYSELF OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE.

I can see how lucky I’ve been and how important it is to enjoy life and cherish the precious moments, like when your children are young. Life does rush past pretty quick and you don’t want to miss it. As told to Caroline Hutton

Chris Tarrant’s Extreme Railway Journeys (John Blake, £20) is out now.

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EMBRACE WORRIES YOUR

Striking new studies reveal why you should embrace the benefits of short bouts of stress

BY KRISTIN SAINANI

THERE YOU ARE, stuck in traffic. A glance at the clock tells you you’re going to be late for that big meeting. You can feel your blood pressure rise and hear your rapid pulse thrumming in your ears. Then you remember something you read about the dangers of stress—that it can harden arteries, kill brain cells, trigger tumours. Now you’re stressed about stress itself.

Hormones released during the fight-or-flight response—the ones that helped our ancestors avoid becoming dinner—have detrimental effects when the stress is severe and sustained. Chronic exposure to one of these hormones, cortisol, causes brain changes that make it increasingly difficult to shut the stress response down.

THE KEY TO MAXIMISING THE BENEFITS OF STRESS? REGULAR HITS OF ACUTE STRESS WITH PERIODS OF NO STRESS

But take heart: recent research paints a different portrait of stress, one in which it has a positive side. Situations we typically perceive as stressful—a confrontation with a colleague, the pressure to perform, a to-do list that’s too long—are not the toxic type of stress that’s been linked to serious health issues. Short bouts of this sort of everyday stress can actually be a good thing.

WHEN FIRDAUS DHABHAR

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. According to a 2013 survey, the average stress level among American adults is 5.1 on a scale of ten; that’s one-and-a-half points above what the respondents judged to be healthy.

“Stress has a very bad reputation,” acknowledges Firdaus Dhabhar, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at Stanford University, California. “And justifiably so,” he adds.

Much of what we know about the physical and mental toll of chronic stress stems from the late 1970s.

was starting his graduate work at Rockefeller University, New York, in the early 1990s, “the absolutely overwhelming dogma was that stress suppresses immunity”. But this didn’t make sense to him from an evolutionary perspective. If a lion is chasing you, he reasoned, your immune system should be ramping up, readying itself to heal torn flesh. It occurred to Dhabhar that the effects of acute stress, which can last minutes to hours, might differ from the effects of chronic stress, which last days to years.

Dhabhar likens the body’s immune

cells to soldiers. Because their levels in the blood plummet during acute stress, “people used to say, ‘See, stress is bad for you; your immune system’s depressed,’ ” he says. “But most immune battles are not going to be fought in the blood.” He suspected that the immune cells were instead travelling to the body’s “battlefields”— sites most likely to be wounded in an attack, such as the skin, gut and lungs. In studies where rats were briefly confined (a short-term stressor), he

showed that after an initial surge of immune cells into the bloodstream, they quickly exited the blood and took up positions where he predicted they would.

THIS STRATEGIC DEPLOYMENT of immune cells can speed wound healing, enhance vaccine effectiveness and potentially fight cancer. In 2009, Dhabhar’s team showed that knee-surgery patients with robust immune redistribution recovered significantly faster and had better knee function a year later than those with a more sluggish immune mobilisation.

In other studies, volunteers who exercised or took a maths test (both acute stressors) immediately prior to being vaccinated had a heightened antibody response relative to volunteers who sat quietly.

Dhabhar thinks the key to maximising the benefits of stress while minimising any negative effects is interspersing “regular hits” of acute stress with periods of low or no stress—what he calls “green zones”. That doesn’t mean you have to add bungee jumping to your daily routine; rather, he advises harnessing the daily aggravations that life already throws at you. And exercising more. Exercise is widely touted as a stress reliever, but it’s also a short-term stressor, he says. “Exercise activates the same biological response as seeing a predator or making a speech.”

WHEREAS CHRONIC STRESS

shrinks the hippocampus (one of the brain’s key memory centres), impairs cognitive function and even increases risk of mental illness, short bursts of stress can enhance memory and learning. Conor Liston, an assistant professor of neuroscience at Cornell University, New York, says, “If you think of stress in terms of arousal— being awake and alert and oriented to changes in the environment—this is a good thing for learning.”

of brain plasticity—ground to a halt. In this state, the mice were unable to learn a new skill. Conversely, when Liston gave another group of mice a low-dose shot of corticosterone, the rate of synapse turnover doubled.

There’s a danger in leaving the dial turned up for too long, though. When Liston exposed mice to highdose corticosterone for ten days, the animals experienced a net loss of synapses. It turned out that pruning outpaced synapse formation, which may help explain the effects of chronic stress on mental functions.

STRESS TURNS TOXIC WHEN IT BECOMES UNRELENTING AND TRAUMATIC, AND SUFFERERS LACK CONTROL AND SUPPORT

THE POINT AT WHICH stress turns toxic is when it becomes unrelenting and traumatic, and when sufferers lack control and social support.

Under certain conditions, the stress hormone cortisol appears to boost the brain’s receptivity to learning, what neuroscientists call “brain plasticity”. Neurons in the brain each form thousands of synapses—structures that they use to communicate with other neurons. As learning occurs, new synapses sprout and old ones are pruned.

When Liston experimentally depleted corticosterone (the mouse equivalent of cortisol) in a group of rodents, synapse turnover—a marker

“What we tend to mean when we talk about stress are the daily experiences of time scarcity, role uncertainty, social conflict and pressure,” says Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist, author and Stanford lecturer. “The type of ‘stress’ that’s toxic has more to do with social status, social isolation and social rejection.”

High-ranking individuals may have demanding jobs, but they also enjoy a greater sense of autonomy. In a 2012 study, researchers found that a group of leaders—military officers and government officials—had lower levels of cortisol and anxiety than a comparable group of non-leaders. This is despite the fact that leaders

RATHER THAN TRYING TO SLOW YOUR POUNDING HEART, WHY COULDN’T YOU VIEW IT AS YOUR BODY GIVING YOU ENERGY?

appeared more taxed: they slept significantly fewer hours per night than non-leaders. Among those the leaders, those who managed more people and had more authority also had lower cortisol levels and lower anxiety than those with less clout.

GIVEN THE PREVALENCE of the messaging suggesting that any form of stress is bad, McGonigal worries that fear may lead people to avoid exactly the kinds of stressful experiences that are critical for health and longevity. “We know that having a meaningful job and social connection are protective; we also know that mastery of challenges is protective.”

Additionally, how people view

stress—as a threat versus an opportunity—can alter their physiologic responses to it. In a 2011 study, volunteers were exposed to positive messages about stress prior to a public-speaking task. Their hearts pumped more efficiently and their blood vessels constricted less during the stressor than controls who were given no information.

In her lectures and classes, McGonigal used to teach people how to reduce or cope with stress, as if it were something to be avoided and dreaded. But in light of this research, she’s changed her tune. Instead, she encourages them to harness the stress. “Rather than trying to slow your pounding heart, why couldn’t you view it as your body giving you energy?” she says.

After all, even if you could live in a stress-free bubble, you’d probably have to excise all the things that imbue your existence with happiness and meaning—like relationships, challenging work, learning and growth. “In a way,” McGonigal concludes, “stress is a kind of engagement with life.”

ONE FOR SCRABBLE

“Anatidaephobia” is the slightly bizarre fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

SOURCE: YAHOO.COM

© STANFORD MAGAZINE (MAY/JUNE 2014), STANFORD ALUMNI ASSOCIATION, STANFORD UNIVERSITY, ALUMNI.STANFORD.EDU

8 Weird Ways To Keep Warm

By sus A nn AH H ick L ing

Susannah is twice winner of the Guild of Health Writers Best Consumer Magazine Health Feature

Brrr, it’s cold out there! Low temperatures aren’t just unpleasant, they can actually increase risk of a heart attack. Here are some surprising suggestions to keep out the chill.

1 WEAr MArigoLds ovEr your gLovEs. It might look a little silly, but this will keep your hands dry and toasty.

2 don’T WEAr TigHT sHoEs. Maybe your shoes are too small or perhaps you’ve over stuffed them with bulky socks to keep warm. If you don’t have enough blood circulating to your feet, they’ll only get colder. Opt for woollen socks if you’re spending time outdoors.

3 do soME HousEWork. Is it feeling parky inside as well as out? Before you whack up the heating, get moving and create your own warmth. Vacuum cleaning, in particular, can offer a warming workout.

4 MovE THE sofA. Couch blocking the radiator? Don’t heat the back of the sofa—move it and heat yourself instead.

5 gET nosTALgic. According to research from Southampton University, remembering days gone by can warm the cockles of your heart. Researchers looked at

participants’ response to the cold after hearing nostalgic music and recalling events from their life. The ones who took a stroll down memory lane were better able to tolerate chilly conditions.

6 drink pLEnTy. If you’re dehydrated, it’s more difficult to regulate your body temperature. Make sure you glug plenty of water and, of course, a nice cup of tea is always a great winter warmer. Before you reach for the whisky, remember that booze actually lowers core temperature.

7 gET usEd To THE coLd. People who spend a lot of time outdoors can reduce the “set point” at which their body feels the cold. Experts aren’t sure why, but some think being exposed to the cold increases brown fat, which burns calories and releases the energy as heat.

8 kEEp fiT. People who are physically fit feel the cold less. This may be because muscle tissue generates heat. A brisk walk, jog or cycle ride in the winter air might be just the thing to warm you up.

HoW To LivE To A HEALTHy oLd AgE

Finnish researchers studied women between the ages of 53 and 64 and identified predictors of good health for the next ten years:

Believing you’re in good health. If you think you’re doing well, the chances are you’re right. on the other hand, if you don’t think you are, you’re likely to be correct about that too.

good quality of life. that means the things we all value, such as spending time with family, doing work we enjoy and feeling useful.

Being active. never underestimate the importance of exercise, posture and stamina.

Low BMi. Maintaining an appropriate weight is critical to ensuring your long-term health.

Ability to squat. If you find squatting hard, regular exercise can improve strength and flexibility.

A good grip. this reflects overall muscle strength and frailty. It can be improved at any age!

© Ruslan Guzov / shutte R stock

Sleep Tight, Darling!

You’re more likely to stay happily married if you both get a good night’s sleep, but what’s the key to snoozing soundly? These positions allow you to both stay healthy and keep your romance on track.

Do

■ Sleep on your side. The knees and hips should be slightly bent. This makes spooning—the position where one person faces their partner’s back in a close embrace—an ideal sleeping position for lovers.

Even better, if you suffer from recurring back problems, is lying in this position with a pillow between your legs to support you.

■ Sleep back to back on your side with some distance between you. This is the perfect position if you find that your partner moves a lot, gets a bit sweaty or if you just prefer to have your own space.

According to a survey by bed company Dreams, this is the most popular sleeping arrangement for couples.

■ Sleep in separate beds if it means you get a better night’s sleep and both partners are happy to sleep apart.

■ Keep things fresh. Go to a hotel for a change—and make sure you make time for intimacy.

Don’t

■ Sleep on your back. It’s bad for your spine, which should be curved, not straight. Plus it can cause snoring, when the base of your tongue and soft palate collapse to the back wall of your throat.

■ Sleep on your stomach. Sleeping face-down is another no-no for your spine and your neck.

Are You Looking After Yourself?

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Pillow Talk

How you snooze also dictates how you choose—a pillow, that is.

THE snorEr. If you’re a noisy sleeper who lies on your back in bed, anti-snore pillows can force you into a sidesleeping position. At the very least they will keep your head elevated and your airways open.

THE spoonEr. What you need is a pillow that supports your head and aligns your neck with the rest of your spine. What matters is not how hard or soft the pillow is, but the height. Contoured pillows provide good support for your head, neck and shoulders, and relief for pressure points that can cause pain. Memory foam pillows mould to your body, making a precise fit less critical.

THE snEEzEr. There’s a variety of hypoallergenic pillows that can help reduce or even eliminate dust mites. Hollowfibre, microfibre and polyester pillows that are machine-washable are a good option.

Latex pillows can help allergic types too. They’re antimicrobial, mildew-resistant and cooler than memory foam. Pillows should ideally be cleaned every two to three months and replaced every couple of years. And be sure to always use pillow protectors to help keen them clean.

MEn’s HEALTH

MEn cAn HAvE EATing disordErs Too

Did you know that men make up about a quarter of people who suffer from eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia? extreme weight loss or yo-yoing weight are the most obvious symptoms, but here are ten other clues that friends and loved ones can look out for:

1. eating excessive quantities.

2. Disappearing to the toilet shortly after meals.

3. Reluctance to eat in front of other people.

4. Getting hairier on the body.

5. losing hair on the head.

6. Poor skin condition, including dry, rough or discoloured skin.

7. tiredness and lethargy.

8. tooth decay and bad breath caused by vomiting.

9. Feeling cold.

10. lack of interest in sex.

If you’re concerned, you might gently suggest to the man in your life that he gets in touch with the

Store-Cupboard Essentials

BY FIONA HICKS

Fiona studies

Naturopathic Nutrition at the College of Naturopathic Medicine, and is a member of the Nutrition Society

EATING WELL IS EASY when you have the right supplies on hand. These foods will keep for months if stored correctly— so you can rustle up a health-boosting meal in moments.

SARDINES. One tin of these small fish contains more than half your recommended intake of omega-3 fatty acids. These health-giving fats have a range of benefits, including protecting your vision and reducing blood pressure.

PRUNES. Delicious with yogurt or porridge, these are a good source of vitamin C, which neutralises the free radicals that contribute to conditions such as asthma and arthritis.

BACTERIA LINKED TO BODY FAT

A recent study conducted at King’s College London suggested a relationship between the human faecal microbiome—that is, the diversity of bacteria in human poo—and body fat. Scientists found that those with greater bacterial diversity generally had lower levels of visceral fat.

So how to enhance your own microbiome diversity to help combat fat? The first step is to eat a variety of fresh, unprocessed foods.

BROWN RICE. Unlike white rice, this is a rich source of magnesium—a mineral that’s involved in your body’s management of sugar. An eight-year trial with more than 40,000 women found that those who frequently ate whole grains, including brown rice, reduced their risk of developing type 2 diabetes by 31 per cent.

TURMERIC. This beautiful spice is a stalwart of Indian cooking. A powerful anti-inflammatory, emerging research is now investigating the link between turmeric and improved cognitive function. It’s early days, but it’s hypothesised that curcumin (a compound in turmeric) can stimulate the production of DHA—a fatty acid that’s critical to brain function.

LENTILS. Their impressive fibre content helps your heart stay healthy. One study, which followed 10,000 adults for 19 years, found that those who ate 21g fibre daily had a lower incidence of coronary heart disease.

TAHINI. The ground sesame seeds in this spread are brimming with zinc, a mineral that contributes to healthy bones. This fact was supported by a study of nearly 400 men, which found a correlation between low zinc intake and higher occurrence of osteoporosis.

OATS. Research confirms that daily consumption of just three grams of soluble oat fibre—the amount in a single bowl of porridge—can reduce cholesterol by up to 23 per cent.

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Military To Misery

BY MAX PEMBERTON

Max is a hospital doctor, author and newspaper columnist

GEORGE HAD BEEN HAPPIEST IN THE ARMY. Looking at him now, sitting hunched up, speaking in almost inaudible whispers and barely making eye contact, it was difficult to believe that he’d ever been happy.

I looked around his room as I talked to him in the hostel where he was staying. He sat in an old armchair and picked at the foam that was protruding through the armrests where the covering had worn away. Lighting a cigarette, he told me about how he’d ended up living on the streets. He never liked school and left at the age of 16 with only a couple of O-levels. After this he’d spent several months helping his older brother clean carpets.

He drifted aimlessly until, a year later, he and a friend had decided to sign up. Suddenly, his life had purpose. He loved the discipline and routine and went on campaigns all over the world.

WHEN HE’D LEFT TO RETURN TO CIVILIAN LIFE, though, things had never worked out for him. He just couldn’t adjust to life on civvy street. He’d wandered purposelessly through life until, without work and drinking heavily, he found himself homeless and sleeping rough. Eventually he got a room at the hostel where I was doing an outreach project.

His story was nothing new to me. Ex-servicemen make up about a quarter of homeless people in the UK. It seemed that

BY NICK HARDCASTLE

most had been so used to the discipline of military life that, when this was taken away, they were left dazed and confused, bereft of any sense of belonging.

As I sat and listened to how George had found himself in a quagmire of despair and loneliness, I wondered how you could be expected to cope in the real world if, from the age of 16, everything had been so rigidly controlled: you were trained to obey orders, do precisely as you were told—to be institutionalised, in effect.

Others I met were haunted by the things they’d witnessed and dogged by depression or PTSD. Some turned to alcohol or drugs to anaesthetise themselves. Some turned to crime— others to suicide. Poor specialist mental health provision for those who

have witnessed traumatic events while serving their country means that many veterans are left battling severe mental illness and behavioural problems for the rest of their lives.

TO ME, THIS IS AN INDICATION that the Military Covenant—that those who have fought for their country should receive the best possible health and welfare support for the sacrifices they’ve made—is not being met. It also suggests that the way service personnel are being prepared for civilian life is grossly inadequate. Yes, people have to take responsibility for their own lives, but it’s not so easy when you’re battling the scars of war.

It’s important that we—the people they’ve protected—take some responsibility for their situation, too.

Sitting Too Close To The TV Damages Your Eyesight

WHERE DID THE MYTH COME FROM?

I vividly remember, as a child, my mother shouting at my sister and me to stop sitting on the floor close to the television and sit on the sofa instead, as the TV would damage our eyesight. My mum never shouted at our dog for sitting too close. Maybe the dog’s eyes are different, I thought. Or maybe he’d just growl and ignore her anyway.

Well, it turns out my mum was wrong (not that I’d ever tell her). There’s no evidence that sitting close to the TV damages your eyes.

WHAT’S THE TRUTH?

There are probably two reasons the myth came about. The first is similar to the myth that reading in poor light causes eye damage—it’s falsely assumed that focusing on things very close harms the eyes. It doesn’t.

It’s also true that in the 1960s, some colour TVs emitted radiation, and this could—at least in theory— damage eyes. It’s likely that this, combined with the myth that straining your eyes damages them, meant that countless children over the years have been unfairly chastised for sitting too close.

SO NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

While sitting close to the TV won’t cause damage to eyesight, it can be an indication that someone is shortsighted, meaning that things in the distance are harder for them to focus on. If someone persistently needs to sit close to the TV in order to see it, then there’s no harm in going to the optician to get their eyesight assessed by a professional.

Whether it’s migraines, arthritis or even cancer, there are exciting advances in early diagnoses and treatments

GOOD HEALTH NEWS!

BY MARY S AIKINS

NEW TESTS DETECT DEADLY LUNG CANCER EARLY

EARLY DIAGNOSIS IS one of the best ways to beat cancer and there’s certainly good news on this front. Two new tests for lung cancer can detect this killer in time for treatment to be effective, giving patients a better chance of a cure.

In the first test, developed by Vadim Backman, professor of biomedical engineering at Northwestern University in the US, cell samples taken from inside an individual’s cheek are viewed through a specialised microscope. The microscope detects particular cellular changes, indicating whether lung cancer may be developing.

The second is a simple breath test. Exhaled breath contains thousands of volatile organic compounds (VOCs) that vary in composition and pattern. A subset of four VOCs have been discovered in the exhaled breath of lung cancer patients.

Cambridge-based diagnostics company Owlstone Medical have

developed microchip sensor technology to measure VOCs in exhaled breath. This type of technology already exists, but co-founder and president of the company, Billy Boyle, says their smaller and cheaper device may now become an in-office tool for doctors.

“We hope that breath analysis will allow us to diagnose patients with primary or recurrent lung cancer long before they suffer from symptoms, when we have more options for treating them, giving them the best chance of a cure,” says cardiothoracic surgeon, Erin Schumer.

SMELL TEST COULD DETECT PROSTATE CANCER

A “SMELL” TEST promises to be an immediate and accurate diagnostic tool for prostate cancer. This may save thousands of lives and prevent thousands of men from having to undergo invasive investigations. The test is now in advanced clinical trials

and is expected to be available later this year.

More than 1.1 million cases of prostate cancer were recorded globally in 2012, according to figures from the World Cancer Research Fund International. Consultant urologist Dr Raj Persad said, “If this test succeeds a full medical trial, it will revolutionise diagnostics. Even with detailed biopsies there’s a risk we may fail to detect prostate cancer in some cases.”

WHAT’S YOUR HEART ATTACK RISK?

IMAGINE THE DAY when a blood test could predict whether you’re likely to have a heart attack within five years, thus allowing you and your medical practitioner to do everything possible to prevent such an event.

Well, another simple blood test, developed by researchers at the National Heart and Lung Institute at Imperial College London, promises to do just that.

If clinical trials are successful,

Imagine a blood test that could predict whether you’re likely to have a heart attack within five years

instead of using age, sex, cholesterol and blood pressure levels alongside medical history to evaluate your risk of heart problems, the new test looks at protective antibodies that already exist in your system. These immunesystem-produced antibodies, called IgG, seem to shield the body from a heart attack, even when cholesterol and blood pressure are high.

In the trial, those with the highest number of IgGs had a 58 per cent lower risk of having a heart attack. These individuals also had a 38 per cent lower chance of suffering a stroke during the five-year trial.

TREATMENT

BREAKTHROUGH FOR BREAST CANCER

“ASTONISHING!”, “Groundbreaking!” and “Game-changing!” is how breastcancer experts are describing the results from a recent trial.

Researchers from Cancer Research UK gave women with aggressive breast cancer a combination of two cancer-treating drugs: Herceptin

(trastuzumab) and Tyverb (lapatinib). After 11 days of treatment with the drug combo, 17 per cent of women saw their tumours shrink drastically. Even more impressive: tumours disappeared completely in another 11 per cent of women given both drugs.

In the trial, the researchers had been looking to see how the combined drug treatment affected tumours between diagnosis and surgery; the “unexpected” results were “dramatic”. Both drugs are current breast cancer treatments, so the combination therapy could be prescribed very soon—excellent news for some breast cancer patients.

NON-INVASIVE HELP FOR THE PARTIALLY BLIND

UNTIL NOW, vision loss due to glaucoma or optic-nerve damage has generally been considered irreversible. But German clinical trial results published in June last year have demonstrated significant vision improvement in partially

blind patients after ten days of noninvasive, transorbital alternating current stimulation (ACS): this is when alternating currents of electricity are applied to the area of the brain that processes vision.

“ACS treatment is a safe and effective means to partially restore vision after optic-nerve damage,” commented lead investigator Bernhard Sabel.

And more good news for those with poor vision: a specialised miniature camera mounted onto their glasses dramatically improves their ability to read.

The device recognises text and reads it to the user who has an earpiece, according to researchers at UC Davis Health System, California. The device can also be programmed to recognise faces, money and grocery items.

BLOOD TESTS ACCURATELY DETECT ALZHEIMER’S

LIKE CANCER, early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease can be of tremendous benefit to the patient. Two blood tests—developed separately and an ocean apart—can detect with an extremely high degree of accuracy if a person with mild

cognitive impairment (MCI) is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, or another cause of dementia.

Researchers at Rowan University in New Jersey, US, and at the Universities of Ruhr Bochum and Gottingen, Germany, both developed blood tests. More than 47 million people worldwide have dementia, and for the majority of them, their dementia is caused by Alzheimer’s.

This is a big advance as it offers many potential benefits for Alzheimer’s patients. It could allow specialists to slow the progression of the disease through lifestyle adjustments, medication and planned medical care. The German test has completed clinical trials, and further studies are now needed.

STUNNING RECOVERIES LONG AFTER A STROKE

A 71-YEAR-OLD wheelchair-bound stroke victim is walking again.

Scientists at California’s Stanford University School of Medicine have reported that seven of 18 stroke patients who agreed to undergo a trial therapy injecting stem cells into the damaged parts of their brains, have shown “stunning” results.

Gary Steinberg, the study’s lead author, said in an interview that while he’s cautious about “overselling” the results of such a small study, his team has been “stunned” that seven of the 18

Patients’ improvements show what was thought to be impossible: the brain can rebuild itself

patients experienced significant improvement in their abilities following treatment.

“Their recovery was not just a minimal recovery, such as someone who couldn’t move a thumb now being able to wiggle it. It was much more meaningful,” said Steinberg, who personally performed most of the surgeries.

Incredibly, the therapy worked for patients whose strokes had occurred between six months and three years earlier. The new therapy essentially turns the adult brain back to an infant brain so that it can rebuild itself—something that was not thought possible until now.

The scientists believe the therapy could also work for traumatic brain injury and neurodegenerative conditions such as Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s and Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

Nicholas Boulis, a neurosurgeon and researcher at Emory University, Georgia, US, said, “There’s certainly reason to be enthusiastic based on the magnitude of responses from these patients.”

VACCINE COMING TO FIGHT AGAINST HOSPITAL GERMS

TODAY WE WORRY that we may get sicker when we’re in hospital than we were when admitted—and it’s no joke. Germs continue to flourish in hospitals, and C-difficile is one of the most prevalent and dangerous, especially for the elderly. But a vaccine may soon be available.

Scientists from the Max Planck

Institute of Colloids and Interfaces, in Potsdam and the Freie Universität, Berlin, have developed a substance that elicits an immune response against the gut bacterium, Clostridium difficile.

The potential vaccine primes the immune system to recognise the pathogen itself, and produce antibodies to destroy it. The discovery may pave the way for developing inexpensive and effective vaccines and drugs against C-difficile. Other companies are also working on a vaccine, including Pfizer and Sanofi Pasteur.

LIGHTING CAN LIGHTEN THE PAIN FOR MIGRAINE SUFFERERS

GREEN LIGHT gets the green light for migraine sufferers, as researchers at Harvard University have found that low-intensity green light seems to reduce pain.

It’s been known for some time that light can trigger or increase pain for migraine sufferers: white, blue, red and amber light all increase migraine pain. But with the discovery that green reduces the pain, the team hopes that specially developed sunglasses that screen out all light waves except green will help.

Rami Burstein, PhD and Harvard professor of anaethesia, says, “We were surprised to see that blue light was no more painful than white or

amber or red, says Burstein. “They were all painful.”

But even more surprising was the finding that low intensities of green light actually lowered the volunteers’ suffering.

ELECTRICAL STIMULUS REDUCES ARTHRITIS PAIN

CLINICAL TRIALS delivering electric current to the vagus nerve—the longest nerve of the autonomic nervous system that runs from our brain stem to our abdomen—have demonstrated that stimulating the vagus nerve significantly improved

pain and swelling in patients with rheumatoid arthritis (RA).

RA is a chronic inflammatory disease that affects approximately three million people across Europe. The findings were announced in July last year by American and Dutch researchers.

“These results support our ongoing development of bioelectronic medicines designed to improve the lives of people suffering from chronic inflammatory diseases— and give healthcare providers new and potentially safer treatment alternatives at a much lower total cost for the healthcare system,” says Anthony Arnold, chief executive officer of SetPoint Medical.

While focused on rheumatoid arthritis, the trial’s results may have implications for patients suffering from other inflammatory diseases, including Crohn’s, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and others.

VALENTINE’S DISASTER

Single folk looking for love revealed their worst-ever dates— and some are enough to make you write romance off entirely.

“He kept doing curly-fry burps.”

“Silence. Long silence. Coughing. Silence.”

“While cooking dinner, I set fire to his kitchen.”

“She tried to convert me to Scientology.”

“She texted her friend to let her know how it was going...and sent it to me.”

SOURCE: TIMEOUT.COM

Mind The Gap!

Statistics show that British women tend to be around two years younger than their husbands. And the larger the age difference, the larger the risk of separation, according to a US study. But that’s not the case for everyone—as these happy couples prove

BY AMANDA RILEY-JONES

ANGELA DI PASQUO AND JOE

LEON, 24 and 63. “When he told me his age, it was a bit shocking”

Angela Di Pasquo, 24, says, “I’ve always had a thing for older men. I had crushes on my teachers. When I set eyes on Joe, he was the handsome, mature older man I’d always dreamed of.”

Joe, 63, recalls, “Of course I found Angela attractive but romance was far from my mind. I thought she was far too young—much younger than anyone I’d dated before.”

The couple met at work in May 2013, with Angela asking for Joe’s number. She says, “We were just texting before we established any kind of relationship. When he told me he was 39 years older than me, it was a bit shocking! For a very brief moment I thought the age gap was too wide.”

Recalling their first date, at a trendy Latin restaurant in their hometown of Port St Lucie, Florida, Angela remarks, “Joe was smart, funny and interesting and his life experience added to the attraction. I knew I would have a blast being shown the best—because Joe knew what the best was!”

Joe remembers, “I loved Angela’s youthful energy and we laughed a lot. But the biggest attraction is that she’s smart and intuitive. I was concerned about how people would react, but Angela said, ‘Let’s take it as it goes’. ”

Joe was attracted to Angela’s youthful energy

Joe was keen to meet Angela’s parents (“I wanted them to know that I wasn’t weird and I loved and respected their daughter”) and hit it off with her father, who’s four years his junior. “My son is a year older than Angela and they get along well too,” adds Joe.

Friends are supportive and Joe recalls, “When one of my new golfing buddies heard Angela’s age, he got on his knees and started bowing to me. It was hysterical!”

The couple, who are both actors, just laugh when they’re mistaken for father and daughter. When a shop assistant suggested a dress for his “daughter’s prom”, Joe replied “Oh, you know my daughter? Is she here?”

“Age doesn’t determine personality”

They both enjoy golf, swimming and cycling and Joe adds, “I was surprised, pleasantly, that Angela is a homebody like me. We can both be the life of a party—it’s just we prefer to stay home and watch TV, sing or play the ukulele and guitar.”

There are some generational differences. “Angela stays up late to play video games, which I don’t like,” laughs Joe.

Angela adds, “I try to keep him up but Joe likes to go to bed early. Unfortunately, this can wreak havoc on our free time together!”

She says their relationship is romantic and passionate. “I’ve found men my own age tend to be more selfish. I was always the one making the effort,” she reveals. “But Joe is very generous and attentive and makes me feel like the only woman in the world.”

The couple don’t have plans to marry, although Angela adds, “I’d like to have children at some point. But if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. At times, being with someone older can feel less secure because there are more uncertainties in terms of the health of the older partner. Although my lifestyle is less healthy than Joe’s, so he could outlive me.”

Joe adds, “Angela and I are realists. We all die at some point, although age, in many cases, has nothing to do with it.”

In an effort to share their experiences and support other agegap couples, Angela and Joe have launched an online community at maydecembersociety.com and their own YouTube channel (youtube. com/maydecembersociety).

I’VE FOUND MEN MY OWN AGE TEND TO BE MORE SELFISH. JOE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD

“We’ve heard so many horror stories about people who’ve been disowned by their families so we’re very lucky,” says Angela. “Age doesn’t determine personality. Who chooses what age gap is too wide?”

Joe agrees. “Age is just a number. All that really matters is that we love each other.”

BRENDA AND ANDY PARSONS, 66 and 52. “People used to ask if my mother was home”

Brenda and Andy Parsons, from Ringmer, East Sussex, met over the airwaves, talking on CB radio in 1981. “I was 17 and had just moved; I didn’t know anyone in the area,” explains Andy, now a farm manager.

“It was exciting, we talked about everything. Andy was good company. He was enthusiastic and made me laugh,” says Brenda who, at 31, was almost double his age.

A few months later, a big group of CB users met up for a meal and they just clicked. Andy says, “Brenda was

fearless and good fun. I drifted into loving her but fought it for a while. Not because of the age difference, but because she was recently separated and had two kids.”

Brenda was similarly cautious. She says, “I didn’t give a damn what anyone thought about the age gap, but I was nervous it wouldn’t work long-term.”

Andy says, “I’ve always been the more mature one so Brenda and I are about the same mental age! I was helping out on my parents’ farm aged nine and babysitting at 12. I found my classmates immature and had dated older women before.

“I take things in my stride, but we

Brenda met Andy when he was 17. “I didn’t give a damn what anyone thought about the age gap”

get a bit of spoilt-child syndrome with Brenda!”

She grins sheepishly. “Andy is always telling me to act my age, not my shoe size!”

Their age difference was never raised by Brenda’s parents or Andy’s father, who’s only 14 years older than Brenda. “But my mum and stepdad thought Brenda was a scarlet woman,” recalls Andy. “They didn’t come to our wedding and we didn’t see them for five years—but we get on fine now.”

When they married in 1984, 19-year-old Andy became stepfather to a nine-year-old boy and a girl of

The couple on their wedding day (below) and today. “It keeps it interesting that we’re not in each other’s pockets”

seven. Brenda says, “Andy wasn’t fazed by it and the kids were quite chuffed! Andy would take them on bike rides and do things with them that I didn’t want to do.”

The couple, who didn’t want children together, found the marriage was something of an ego boost.

Brenda recalls, “One day at work my colleague said, ‘There’s some young man out here for you. Maybe

QUITE A FEW PEOPLE THOUGHT WE WOULDN’T LAST. BUT 34 YEARS LATER WE’RE STILL GOING STRONG

your son?’ I enjoyed telling her it was my husband!”

Andy adds, “Half of Brenda’s friends took quite a shine to me and girls at college were more interested in me because I was with an older woman!”

He was less amused by people who knocked on the door and then enquired if his mother was home. “I used to say ‘You mean my wife?’ and they’d get embarrassed,” he laughs.

Apart from travelling, they have separate interests. Andy explains, “Brenda likes line dancing but I have two left feet. I like Monty Python but she doesn’t get it. I enjoy watching films while Brenda prefers shopping and gardening.”

Brenda adds, “Andy uses Facebook and pays our bills on the computer. I wouldn’t know where to start! It keeps it interesting that we’re not in each other’s pockets. Quite a few people thought we wouldn’t last. But 34 years later we’re still going strong.

“Andy and I don’t compare ourselves to other people and have friends of all ages. What does age matter? You either get along with someone or you don’t.”

VANESSA AND DAVID ROUSE, 50 and 65. “She’s like a bridge between two generations”

It was 2005 and Vanessa and David had been snorkelling with sea lions in the Galapagos Islands when conversation turned towards romance. “I said I was fed up with men who were selfish or couldn’t commit,” smiles Vanessa, then 39.

David chips in, “I asked Vanessa if she’d thought of dating someone older. She asked how much older and I said, ‘About 54?’ ” They burst into laughter at the memory.

Over the three-week group holiday, police officer David and RSPCA inspector Vanessa discovered how much they had in common.

“We both worked with the underbelly of society,” explains Vanessa. “We also share quite a

childlike sense of humour. I remember being wrapped up in a green hammock, laughing that we were like peas in a pod.”

Vanessa appreciated David’s calmness and maturity and remembers, “When we went white-water rafting, David was looking out for other people and had a kindness to him. He was steady and reliable and that really appealed to me.”

only seven years younger than her mother, Vanessa asked her grandmother if he was a bit old for her. But the age gap was soon forgotten. “When I took David to a big family barbecue, everyone liked him and was glad to see me happy.”

David’s children from his first marriage, then 25 and 22, were equally supportive. “When I showed my daughter a photograph, her response was, ‘Well done!’ ” beams David.

David adds, “Being around Vanessa felt good. She’s very caring, always thinking about other people.”

Back home, they met for Sunday lunch and started dating. With David

“Vanessa is halfway between my age and my children’s. She gets on very well with them and is like a bridge between the two generations.” David continues, “We had very much wanted to have our own children, but it was sadly not to be.” David’s son has recently become a father, and Vanessa loves being a young grandmother.

The couple, who’ve been married eight years and live in Hampshire,

Vanessa and David describe themselves as “peas in a pod”

THE AGE GAP HAS NEVER BEEN A PROBLEM BECAUSE WE’RE COMFORTABLE IN OUR OWN SKINS

now rarely think about their age difference. “When we’re out hiking or cycling, David has more stamina than me,” says Vanessa. “Although it was funny when we were in Tanzania. The safari guide asked me, ‘Are you here with your mummy and daddy?’ ”

David adds, “Recently, Vanessa suggested we go and see Sunny Afternoon—The Kinks musical. The early Sixties was my era. It’s funny to think that she was only a figment of her parents’ imagination back then!”

The age gap does occasionally throw up a few differences. “David’s

into history and talks about things I don’t know much about. I like to look to the future, not the past!” she teases. “He likes The Proms but I prefer Level 42 and when I whack the volume up on the radio he says, ‘That’s loud!’ Luckily we’re both natural compromisers.”

Among her friends, Vanessa is very much in the minority for having a partner who’s retired. But she sees the positive side: “It means we have more time together to take the dogs out for nice walks.”

David adds, “She helps to keep me young. Vanessa has introduced me to yoga, healthy eating and ballroom dancing—things I never dreamt I’d be interested in.”

Vanessa concludes, “The age difference between David and I has never been a problem because we’re both comfortable with each other— and in our own skins.”

HILARIOUSLY UNPHOTOGENIC ANIMALS

Not every angle can be your best... SOURCES:

100 Word STORY

It’s the final month of this year’s competition! Here are two further tales to spark your creativity—enter soon to be considered for our shortlist

Terms & Conditions

■ There are three categories—one for adults and two categories for schools: one for children aged 12–18 and one for children under 12.

■ In the adult category, the winner will receive £2,000 and two runners-up will each receive £200

■ In the 12–18s category, the winner will receive a Samsung Galaxy Tab S2 (9.7" Tablet, 32 GB) and a Samsung Gear S2 Smartwatch, plus £150 for their school. Two runnersup will each receive £100

■ In the under-12s category, the winner will receive a Samsung Galaxy Tab S2 (9.7" Tablet, 32 GB), plus £100 for their school. Two runners-up will each receive £75.

■ Your stories should be original, unpublished and exactly 100 words long. Please submit them online at readersdigest.co.uk/100word-story-competition by 5pm on February 20.

■ The editorial team will then pick a shortlist of three in each category and post them online on February 27. You can vote for your favourite, and the one with the most votes wins the top prize. Voting will close at 5pm on March 20 and the winning entries will be published in our June issue.

■ The entry forms are on our website, along with details of the prizes.

Jeffrey Archer Unique

PARIS, MARCH

14, 1921. The collector relit his cigar, picked up the magnifying glass, and studied the triangular 1874 Cape of Good Hope.

“I did warn you there were two,” said the dealer, “so yours is not unique.”

“How much?”

“Ten thousand francs.”

The collector wrote out a cheque, before taking a puff on his cigar, but it was no longer alight. He picked up a match, struck it, and set light to the stamp. The dealer stared in disbelief as the stamp went up in smoke. The collector smiled.

“You were wrong, my friend,” he said, “mine is unique.”

■ This story was first published in Reader’s Digest December 2011 issue

Rules: Please ensure that submissions are original, not previously published and 100 words long (not including the title). Don’t forget to include your full name, address, email and daytime phone number when filling in the form. We may use entries in all print and electronic media. Contributions become world copyright of Reader’s Digest.

Alice Noel The Unknown

I KEEP MY EYES

FIXED ON THE ROAD, terrified of taking them off. Something pale flickers in my rear-view mirror. Strange, a moment ago there were trees bordering the road, now they’re gone.

I blink, discarding the thought. Wait, there it is again. A flash, followed by darkness, darker than the charcoal sky outside. The signpost I saw a minute ago has vanished.

I put my foot down. It isn’t the night, it’s a devouring abyss, enveloping the road. I accelerate; it chases me. The tarmac, gone. It’s at the back of the car; the back seat; my seat, it’s—

■ This story was submitted to last year’s 100-Word-Story Competition

Fish Chips

The classic dish is enjoying a revival, thanks to these chic chippies

BY FIONA HICKS &

Bestof British

Cromars

ST ANDREWS

Cromars has spent years cultivating a sophisticated edge to this slap-up meal. Proudly Scottish, the majority of their food is locally sourced: fish from Peterhead, langoustines from St Monans and even the potatoes for the chips are from East Lothian.

The friendly team are led by head chef Colin Cromar, who has more than 30 years’ experience in the fishand-chip industry. “Colin has a warm and welcoming smile for everyone,” says co-owner William Frame.

Colin (below) is the man who ensures each fillet—whether battered, breaded or grilled—is up to their scrupulous standard. “Our most popular dish is by far and away the fried haddock and chips,” continues William. “It’s much loved by the Scots.”

If you have room, you can even indulge in a pudding (or two) in their sit-down restaurant.

■ Visit cromars.co.uk for details

This popular eatery in Cheltenham was the victor at last year’s National Fish and Chip Awards

Simpson’s Fish & Chips

CHELTENHAM

This smart spot scooped top prize at last year’s National Fish and Chip Awards. The food, of course, is pivotal to their success. The team here select the largest cod available for the biggest flakes and meatiest texture. They’re also scrupulous about the

quality of their batter, which contains no MSG, no bulking agents and no salt.

“There’s no greater pleasure in life than indulging in a portion of fish and chips,” says co-founder James Ritchie. “Winston Churchill himself referred to fish and chips as good companions during the Second World War and they weren’t rationed to keep up

morale.” Happily, there are lots of ways to enjoy the Simpson’s offering: customers can order from the convenient takeaway app Deliveroo, book Simpson’s as caterers for an event, or pop into the sleek restaurant and shop on Priors Road.

■ Visit simpsonsfishandchips.co.uk for details

Papa’s Barn KENT

This is the oldest fish-and-chip shop on our list—and the one with the most dramatic history, too. Originally established in 1966, the restaurant was one of ten buzzing branches set up by the late Photios Papas. However, in the early morning hours of June 10, 2010, a catastrophic fire started at the premises in Ditton, destroying the much-loved eatery. Photios’s sons, Michael and Theo, spent years rebuilding the branch— and it’s now back on fighting (and frying) form.

Their delicious fare has enticed the crowds once more, but it’s their award-winning approach that keeps them coming back. “It’s a careful combination of sourcing the right products, attention to detail and of course having a cracking team,” explains manager Gavin Lewis. “That and a pinch of passion."

■ Visit papasbarn.co.uk for details

The Cod’s Scallops NOTTINGHAM

The business may have a lighthearted pun of a name, but the team here take fish very seriously indeed. Their extensive menu boasts linecaught cod, haddock, monkfish, hake, mackerel, salmon, sea trout…amongst many others, which change daily according to market variation.

It has a light-hearted name, but the team at The Cod’s Scallops take fish and chips very seriously

Choice being the name of the game, they also provide options for coatings, with diners able to enjoy their fish either deep fried in traditional beef dripping or baked with fragrant garlic, lemon and herbs. Says marketing director Helen Molnar, “Customers can enjoy anything from lobster and Champagne to battered fish and chips and a mug of tea.”

What’s more, there’s an excellent wet-fish counter on site. Visitors can select their favourite and have it preprepared to their exact specifications for easy at-home cooking.

■ Visit codsscallops.com for details

Hodgson’s Chippy LANCASHIRE

The heart-warming story behind this shop is one of a couple’s dedication to each other—and their craft. Nigel and Linda Hodgson met when they worked together at Linda’s parents’ shop in Lancaster. When her parents decided to retire, both Linda and Nigel were determined to keep the tradition going, raising enough money to buy another shop a few streets away. “There was a huge risk element,” says Nigel. “We had to sell our house to live above the chippy. With two children, it was very tight.”

Investing in the best frying technology, the couple soon transformed the formerly run-down terrace shop into a warm and bustling food hub. A special draw of the place is the fact that their well-honed methods have rendered the classic dish almost healthy—one portion of good old fish and chips here contains a mere 5.5 per cent saturated fat!

■ Visit hodgsonschippy.com for details

Mister C’s YORKSHIRE

which it was caught. This “chain of custody”, as it’s known, means that they can ensure every single fish they sell is from a trusted and sustainable source.

As well as exceptional care for their fish, they also show exceptional consideration for

This Selby institution could perhaps win an award for the most conscientious chippy in the country. They’re one of only a handful of shops to have received the MSC certification, which means that they can trace every fish they sell to the exact time, location and date on

their customers. “Several years ago we recognised that many customers who suffer from Coeliac disease were unable to enjoy fish and chips,” say owners Mark and Denise Corbally. “That was simply unacceptable to us.” For this reason, every Tuesday the staff thoroughly clean all utensils, refill the fryers and create special batter in order to be able to offer glutenfree fish and chips.

■ Visit mistercs.co.uk for details

Mister C’s Amy was shortlisted in the Young Fish Frier competition

This takeaway serves up “a large helping of community spirit” with its meals

The Dolphin Takeaway

DUNGANNON, NORTHERN IRELAND

Established in 1989, this holds the title of Dungannon’s longest-serving takeaway. The secret to their longevity is their precise approach to frying: the batter on the fish is light yet crispy, while their chips offer that muchcoveted “snap” in the middle.

Surprisingly, it’s also a good spot for those who don’t like fish. There are several other fresh and hearty dishes available, including burgers, southern-fried chicken and ciabattas—plus fun box meals for kids.

It’s popular with the locals so expect queues at the weekends. Even standing in line can be a pleasure,

however, as the takeaway prides itself on serving up a “large helping of community spirit” with its meals (and Dungannon folk tend to be very friendly). If you simply can’t bear the wait, it’s possible to call ahead with your order.

■ Visit dolphindungannon.co.uk for details

Sir Tim Smit KBE, 62, is famous for his work restoring the Lost Gardens of Heligan in Cornwall. He’s also the co-founder of the Eden Project.

If I Ruled the World Sir Tim Smit

I’d move the United Nations to Jerusalem. This would make them focus on that part of the world from which an awful lot of global friction emanates—and give them a vested interest in sorting it out.

Everybody would be taught good manners. If there were a global appreciation of what it meant to be a virtuous person (in a secular way) then the only problems that would exist would be personal health. For with good manners comes a spirit of fellowship with others, generosity and the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. And out go issues of colour, gender and wealth, which cause so much trouble in the world.

In every country the electricity would be turned off one day a week. It’s the absence of the things we take for granted that can help build better communities. When power was cut off in New York after hurricane

Sandy in 2012, people said that they talked to their neighbours for the first time. This made huge contributions to a sense of social engagement. It’s also about respect for what we have at our fingertips. So when people turn on a tap they should contemplate, in silent wonder, the magic of running water in their homes.

Dance, music and art would be introduced to children long before other subjects. One of the most charismatic organisations in the world, started by the inspirational Bill Strickland, is the Manchester Bidwell Corporation in Pittsburgh. Bill maintains that children have their crayons ripped away too early in life so they never learn what they actually love doing. His courses range from ceramics to horticulture, encouraging children and adults alike to find a language of their own to express themselves.

We’d understand our bodies. To make an analogy: most people’s bodies make a Ferrari look like a rust bucket. Our bodies are the most beautiful and extraordinary things and we ought to respect them absolutely. The problem is that we weren’t born with an operating manual to enable us to explore the capacity for well-being and pleasure that our bodies can give us. But making the effort to understand how they work and looking after them

would make a huge difference to our physical and mental well-being.

I’d ban zealots. Anyone who’s certain of the way other people should lead their lives would be taken away and put on Zealot Island. Here, in a variation of the allegory of the long spoons, the zealots would be forced to sit in rooms with people of the opposite persuasion, and they would starve to death if they didn’t become pragmatic and open to other people’s points of views.

All cats would wear bells to keep birds safe. A place without birdsong is a place of death. At Heligan we manage the farmland to encourage bird life and it’s such a joy to hear their song there. I’d also put a global ban on the use of pesticides. Let’s not forget that life on earth depends on the insects that have been here for hundreds of millions of years longer than us.

Everyone would grow fruit trees, flowers or vegetables. Whether you live in a flat or a stately home, growing plants and then keeping them alive is an act of worship to nature we all need to engage in. Obviously I feel a bit smug on that front… As told to Caroline Hutton

The 15th-anniversary edition of Eden is out now in paperback.

There’s much more to the Hawaiian capital than its famous beach

The Other Honolulu

BY JANIE ALLEN

PHOTOS: © GETTY IMAGES X2

Aloha Tower, a city landmark since 1926; (opposite) Waikiki Beach, known for its gentle surf

DOWNTOWN IS A GLUT of high-rises, their balconies and picture windows competing for a view of the huge harbour—glorious on this warm, sunny February day. Fishing boats, freighters and cruise ships wait at numerous piers. Flights are coming and going at the airport to the west. I’m reminded of Hong Kong, a workaday city going about its business. Yet, one of the world’s most famous beaches is just a 15-minute drive away.

My husband, Glen, and I are on the tenth-floor observation deck of the Aloha Tower, located on Pier 9 in Honolulu Harbour. The art deco tower was once the tallest building in Honolulu; the large A-L-O-H-A letters at the top greeted visitors arriving by steamship in an earlier era. Nowadays, the Aloha Tower is eclipsed by downtown skyscrapers but still offers incredible 360-degree views of city and harbour.

We look out at Waikiki. The iconic beach—framed by Diamond Head promontory and lined with myriad shops, restaurants and nightclubs— is the go-to resort for more than five million visitors a year.

But as delightful as Waikiki is, it’s just one district of Honolulu. The city is lauded for its multicultural diversity, innovative new restaurants, emerging neighbourhoods and liveand-let-live vibe. Honolulu appears on lists of top US cities.

Clearly, there’s more to this place than its famous beach resort. Glen and I want to know more. So for a week, we put away our swim towels, turn our backs on the beach and head off.

WE’D HEARD THE BUZZ about the up-and-coming Kakaako (“ka-kaah-ko”) district between Waikiki and downtown. The city is redeveloping this light-industrial area, and has set aside some warehouses and garages for the arts and for entrepreneurs. We drive there early one morning.

The family-owned Highway Inn, known for its traditional Hawaiian food, isn’t yet open for breakfast so we take a walk in the quiet back streets. On Coral Street, we pass Hank’s Haute Dogs, a little eatery that elevates the humble hot dog to gourmet status. On and around Auahi Street, we marvel at dozens of large, extravagant murals.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” says a cyclist who stops to admire a chiaroscuro of a face covering a wall, elegantly created by chipping bits of concrete from white masonry.

Farther along, we come across Na Mea Hawaii, a gallery and art studio in a converted garage. It’s a beehive of activity. Maile Meyer, a slight, energetic woman in her late 50s, shows us around. She created it “to encourage art with a native aesthetic and perspective”, she tells us. An artist is mixing paint for a seascape,

PHOTOS, CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: JANIE ALLEN; SUSAN SEUBERT X2; JANIE ALLEN X2

Clockwise from top left: Brooks Takenaka at the Fish Auction on Pier 38; a wall mural in Kakaako district; Paiko, a botanical boutique on Auahi Street; an artist at work at Na Mea Hawaii; a bronze of Kamehameha the Great, Hawaiian conquerer and king, at Iolani Palace

upstairs, another is planning a new exhibition.

Next door, artist Bill Reardon is welding a stair rail. He removes his helmet to reveal startlingly blue eyes and a big smile. He likes to create “found metal” sculpture, he says. “Have you ever noticed how many discarded bed frames there are?” We hadn’t until then…

Back at the now-open Highway Inn, painted wood panels and exposed pipes create a bright urban vibe. We sit at the counter and order pancakes topped with a haupia (coconut) sauce and chat with front-of-house manager Christina Martin, 47. She recently moved to Honolulu from the mainland. There are trade-offs to living here, such as high rent, she says, “but the people make up for it.”

Hawaiians’s hospitality is linked to ohana—their sense of family, she explains. “Ohana extends to friends. Once they take you in, you’re part of the family.”

PERHAPS HERE, more than elsewhere, the more family you have—real or not—the better. The Hawaiian archipelago of eight islands is one of the most remote and isolated places on earth; 2,400 miles from California. Even other South Pacific Islands are distant. For a long time, no one could understand how, a millennium ago, Hawaii’s first settlers crossed more than 2,000 miles of ocean without navigation equipment. Their methods

of navigating by the stars and patterns of nature were not well understood until the 1970s. The Bishop Museum Planetarium in Honolulu played a role in recovering the lost art of Pacific navigation, called “wayfinding,” says Mike Shanahan, director of visitor experience.

When I ask Shanahan about the most precious item in the museum, he excitedly tells me that for many years it was the feather cloak of Kamehameha the Great, Hawaii’s first king, who united the Islands in 1810. But now, he adds, the museum is in the process of receiving from Te Papa Museum in New Zealand the feather cloak of King Kalaniopuu, Kamehameha’s uncle, who presented it to British explorer James Cook in 1779.

PHOTO: SUSAN SEUBERT

Leis adorn the bronze statue of Duke Kahanamoku at Kuhio Beach Park while

“It has been missing from Hawaii for more than 200 years,” he says.

Culture educator Iasona Ellinwood takes me to see Kamahameha’s full-length cloak, on display in a glass case. The yellow feathers were plucked from some 60,000 mamo birds. The extinct mamo was mostly black. “It had just six to eight yellow feathers,” he says.

An expert guide to Hawaii’s history and culture, Ellinwood has a master’s degree in Hawaiian language. “Are you native Hawaiian?” I ask.

No, he says. His birth name is Jason. “One of my Hawaiian language teachers called me Iasona and it stuck.”

Around 21 per cent of Hawaii’s 1.4 million people claim native Hawaiian heritage, while Asians make up 37 per cent and Caucasians 23 per cent. In fact, most people here are of mixed ethnicity, such as the shopkeeper I met earlier who told me his father was Japanese and his mother Filipina, then added, “but we’re all Hawaiians.”

the Iolani Palace, built in 1882 by the last king of Hawaii, David Kalakaua. The kingdom was overthrown just 11 years later in a plot by sugar plantation owners to bring the islands under US control.

Nearby is the Hawaiian Mission Houses Historic Site. The oldest house, from 1821, is a two-storey New England frame displaying artefacts of missionary life. The first missionaries created a 12-letter Hawaiian alphabet and printed a Bible as thick as it was wide on a handoperated press—replicas are on display.

‘LIVE HERE LONG ENOUGH AND WE’LL CALL YOU HAWAIIAN TOO,’ SAYS A LOCAL

“Live here long enough and we’ll call you Hawaiian too,” said another friendly local.

THE DOWNTOWN Capitol District is pleasantly walkable, with tree-lined streets and small parks. The state executive offices are here, as well as

We explore the shady grounds where The Mission Social Hall and Café serves Hawaiian comfort foods—marlin sandwiches and luau stew with pork shoulder. Owner Mark Noguchi, 41, is one of a group of chefs who support traditional food sources. Farmland in Hawaii was long ago given over to commercial crops such as pineapples and coffee. Nearly 90 per cent of Hawaii’s food is brought from the mainland.

Noguchi recommends that Glen and I pay a visit to Chinatown, a gritty downtown district that’s reinventing itself as a must-see destination for art-lovers, foodies and club-goers. We decide to drive down there late one weekday.

Chinatown grew up in the late 19th century to serve Chinese plantation workers. Decades later it became known for prostitution and the drug trade. For a few years in the 1990s, a Chinatown revival flourished, thanks to a new generation of chefs who developed Hawaiian regional cuisine, also called Asian Fusion. Today Chinatown is gentrifying. Art galleries, upscale restaurants and bars are starting to move in.

“There are still places I wouldn’t walk late at night, but things are changing,” Noguchi had told us.

Lucky Belly restaurant, located on Hotel Street, which was once famous for its brothels, is one of the most popular new eateries. We get there just as it opens for dinner and are seated near the large windows.

We order the intensely flavourful oxtail dumplings and the “Belly Bowl”. The ramen-noodle speciality arrives in a king-sized dish with generous portions of pork belly, bacon and sausage steeped in a rich broth.

Darkness comes quickly at this latitude, so we leave the restaurant at dusk. With the old markets and shops shuttered and our footsteps echoing on the near-empty pavements, we head back to our hotel.

ON OUR NEXT-TO-LAST afternoon in

Honolulu, we watch a 180kg marlin come in on a boat at Kewalo Basin Wharf, while crew happily banter with each other.

The marlin may well have ended up on the block at the Honolulu Fish Auction the next morning. Tours are offered a few times a month. We leave Waikiki at 5.30am and in 20 minutes are standing outside a refrigerated warehouse on Pier 38.

Brooks Takenaka, general manager of United Fishing Agency, leads us in. There are big-eye tuna, mahimahi, swordfish, snapper and more—many weighing at least 50kg—all waiting on iced-down pallets.

Wholesale buyers huddle around the auctioneer, who fires off numbers as bidding starts on a tuna at his feet. Seconds later it’s over. The auctioneer

TRAVEL TIPS

LODGING Shoreline Hotel Waikiki, from £140, shorelinehotelwaikiki.com; Vive Hotel Waikiki, from £120, vivehotelwaikiki.com

DINING Highway Inn, Kakaako, combo plates £11–12, myhighwayinn. com; Tommy Bahama, Waikiki, main courses £20–35, tommybahama.com; Lucky Belly, Chinatown, ramen bowls £7–11, luckybelly.com

NIGHTLIFE Renowned jazz and blues entertainers and Hawaiian favorites at the Blue Note, Waikiki, bluenotehawaii.com

SIGHTSEEING Honolulu Fish Auction, tickets £20/£15, hawaii-seafood.org

jots a note and drops it on the fish, as the group shuffles to the next one.

About 100,000 pounds of open ocean fish are sold this way six days a week. “It’s the only freshtuna auction of its kind in the US,” Takenaka says. Most fish sold here is consumed in the islands, he says, adding that Hawaii’s fishery operates within sustainable limits and under many stringent regulations.

“Do you eat much fish?” I ask him.

“Almost every day,” he replies, with a smile.

ON OUR LAST afternoon,

After a stop at a viewing platform on the crater rim that overlooks the city, we make it back to Waikiki by sunset. At Kuhio Beach Park, we join the throng gathered for a hula show. Lilting melodies, swaying hips and the performers’ joy charm us.

LILTING MELODIES AND THE SWAYING HIPS OF A HULA SHOW CHARM US

the trade wind that had been with us all week disappears and temperatures rise. Seeking respite, we head to the Punchbowl Crater, site of a US national military cemetery, on the city’s outskirts. We drive down to a shady lane in a vast lawn, where flat markers denote graves. A worker asks if we need help finding one. No, we’re just enjoying the peace and quiet, we tell him. It’s true, the city sounds have disappeared; we hear only birdsong and distant mowers.

The sun is setting in an orangestreaked sky, silhouetting a bronze of Duke Kahanamoku. An Olympic gold-medallist swimmer in 1912 and 1920, he introduced surfing to much of the world, and is a Hawaiian hero. In his later years— he died in 1968—Duke was Honolulu’s first “Ambassador of Aloha”.

“Aloha means love,” a plaque about him says, “the key word to the universal spirit of real hospitality.”

“Come, get to know my city,” he may as well be saying, his back to the ocean and his arms outstretched to encompass all of Honolulu. In a recent article, a writer opined that the city consider turning Duke’s statue around so that he looks out at his beloved ocean.

I think he’s fine where he is.

EXPANDING HORIZONS

41 new species are discovered by scientists every single day.

SOURCE: SEEKER.COM

Al-Aqsa Mosque in the Old City, Jerusalem; (right) taking a dip in the Dead Sea

BY CATHY ADAMS

My Great Escape: Irishman In Israel

James Savage from Northern Ireland found food, football and friendliness in the Holy Land

Cathy has danced in Rio, been microlighting in South Africa and hiked the mountains of Oman

FROM FLOATING ON THE DEAD SEA to cheering on “our wee country” more than 2,500 miles from home, our trip to Israel was an amazing experience.

I was in Israel to support Northern Ireland in a World Cup qualifier, but there was a lot more of the country that my friends and I wanted to see. We split our time between the cities of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, which meant that we could explore all the sights: from the beautiful beaches to the hustle and bustle of an historic city.

Modern Jerusalem impressed us with its clean streets, tram system and myriad shops, bars and restaurants. I was fascinated by the Old City of Jerusalem, a Unesco World Heritage Site that’s a melting pot of traditions and religions.

In Tel Aviv I adored the Mediterranean seafront and the Jaffa district—a port that’s retained its character as an ancient trading city while also emerging as a modern-day quarter for artists and bohemians.

One of our most memorable days in Israel was an adventure around historical Masada, which offers breathtaking views across the River Jordan. We stopped for

lunch at the nearby Ein Gedi Nature Reserve, finishing the afternoon relaxing in the Dead Sea.

Israel was unforgettable for many reasons. The local people were friendly and inquisitive, with many calling us “strong fans” and encouraging us to sing our football songs or pose for photos. The food was delicious, especially dishes such as “chicken in the oven”, schnitzel, “onion mash” and “holy bagels”. And then there’s the nightlife: the American culture of “jamming nights” and “NFL Sundays” in Mike’s Place in Tel Aviv made it a popular venue to end many of our nights.

■ HOLIDAY IN THE HOLY LAND

EasyJet flights to Tel Aviv start from £83.99pp (easyjet.com).

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

JAPAN’S NORTHERNMOST

ISLAND, volcanic Hokkaido, is no stranger to snow—and is one of the prettiest places on Earth to enjoy winter landscapes. Winter gets kicked up a gear this month at the Snow & Ice Festival in the capital Sapporo: expect elaborate ice sculptures around the city, snow lanterns and games, including snow rafting and slides.

The real reason you’ll come to Hokkaido, however, is to warm up in an onsen (hot spring) with the native Japanese snow monkeys.

■ MONKEY AROUND IN JAPAN

Eleven-day “Sapporo and snow monkeys” tours start from £4,690pp (0800 1445 297, wendywutours.co.uk).

Tell us about your favourite holiday (send a photo too) and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50. Go to readersdigest.co.uk/contact-us

Things To Do This Month

SIEM REAP IN TWO MINUTES

■ SEE: ANGKOR WAT This temple complex is the world’s largest religious monument—and now there’s another reason to visit: an extensive network of ancient cities has just been discovered beneath it.

■ SHOP: ANGKOR NIGHT MARKET

Cambodia’s best night market boasts souvenir shops, fish foot-massage joints and bars (Island Bar is particularly good). It’s the perfect place for a colourful stroll after dinner (angkornightmarket.com).

■ STAY: BELMOND LA RESIDENCE

D’ANGKOR After an early start seeing the sunrise and a late night exploring, you’ll want an intimate hotel to relax in—like the Belmond La Residence d’Angkor, with groomed gardens and a peaceful swimming pool. Rooms from £286 a night (+855 063 963 390, belmond.com).

SHORT/LONG HAUL: TWOCENTRE LUXURY CRUISES

SHORT: Paris and London It’s a tale of two cities with this Cruising the Seine tour, which begins in Paris and winds through the medieval towns of Normandy before finishing off with the bright lights of London. Fourteen-night tour from £4,545pp (0800 810 8020, tauck.co.uk).

LONG: Bhutan and Assam Explore rugged mountain kingdom Bhutan before sailing northeastern India’s epic Brahmaputra River. Travel The Unknown offers an 18-day tour from £5,095pp (020 7183 6371, traveltheunknown.com/cba).

TRAVEL APP OF THE MONTH

G Spotting, Free, iOS, goop.com. This cheekily named app offers destination guides to more than 30 cities from one of the world’s most stylish women: Gwyneth Paltrow.

§Could you be in line for timeshare compensation?

Due to a recent court ruling, many owners have successfully had their ownership contracts deemed null and void with resorts ordered to pay large amounts of compensation. Timeshare owners have been awarded compensation of the original purchase price, legal costs, maintenance costs for the duration of the ownership and awarded double any monies that were paid within 90 days of the point of sale.

Were you mis-sold?

Have your management fees increased over and above the rate of inflation?

Were you told that your purchase was an investment and would increase in value?

Was it explained that your family could become liable to take over the contract if something happened to you?

Were you made promises at the point of sale that failed to materialise?

Were you a member of a timeshare exchange network and failed to get the exchanges you were promised?

Find out if you have grounds to terminate your contract and if you qualify to make a claim. We will only act if we are 100% confident of a successful outcome.

Call us today to speak with one of our friendly claims advisors and find out if you can register a claim!

Call 0800 066 3034 or visit www.TimeshareCompensation.co.uk

AfricanBush Encounter in the

By John Dyson

His arm mangled by a crocodile, the guide lay in the dark, waiting for lions and hyenas to finish him off. Then came something he never expected

With a picnic lunch and fishing rods, Alistair

Gellatly, 39, and four friends pushed out on the Zambezi River for a peaceful day of fishing. Zooming upstream on the swirling African river in April 1994, the boat weaved past sunbathing crocodiles, snorting hippos and elephants wallowing in the muddy shallows. Alistair eyed the creatures without concern. He’d spent most of his life in the bush as a safari guide.

Gellatly had brought his friends to spend a long Easter weekend at the small tourist camp he was building on a remote part of the Zambezi. They were his old pal Arthur Taylor, a construction manager, Arthur’s wife Fay and her parents Brenda and Clive Kelly, who had just returned from England.

This part of the wide Zambezi, which marked the boundary between Zambia and Zimbabwe, was a popular stretch for tourist boats, but today the party had it all to themselves. Alistair cut the engine to let the boat drift with the fast current. They started to fish.

Soon Brenda yelled, “I’ve got one!” Proudly she dropped the day’s first fish into the boat.

But just then, the boat leapt into the air, sending Clive and his daughter over opposite sides. The slight, grey-bearded ex-teacher surfaced, flicking water from his eyes. As his vision cleared, he saw the wide mouth of a hippo, just a few feet away, charging again.

Clive heard its yellow tusks scraping over the fiberglass as the

hippo’s jaw clamped onto the side of the boat. Then the two-tonne beast reared on its back legs and, with a single toss of its head, flipped the boat completely over. Its mission of defending its territory accomplished, the hippo backed down with a snort.

Still under the boat, Arthur grabbed Brenda and Fay. Arms linked, the trio swirled free of the craft and were swept downstream until they gained a footing on a submerged sandbank midstream.

With the hippo gone, Alistair and Clive climbed onto the upturned boat. Its heavier back end had sunk to the bottom and was stuck there. Alistair sat up on the bow jutting out of the water to take stock. The boat was marooned 100 yards from shore. Sixty yards downstream in mid-river, Arthur and the two women were slowly wading to where they could stand knee-deep in water on the sandbank. Everyone’s safe, Alistair thought with relief.

Fatal EmBracE

Alistair made a plan. He knew there was a fishing camp three miles

downstream on the far side of the river; he could swim the 100 yards to the nearer bank, walk downriver and shout across. He’d seen many crocodiles in the river that morning. But swimming with “flat dogs” didn’t worry him that much. It was only noon, and the crocodiles were sunbathing lazily on the river banks.

“I’m going for help,” Alistair told Clive. Splashing as little as possible, he swam across the river toward a boggy inlet. But as he paddled closer, a grey shape slithered into the water. Alistair stopped to tread water; the crocodile stopped and looked at him. It was blocking the way to the bank.

Yelling and slapping the surface

of the water, Alistair charged at the crocodile to frighten it off. It sank out of sight.

Alistair ducked under water to look for the animal, but was blinded by the mud cloud he’d kicked up. In a panic, Alistair lurched backwards into clear water and went under again. The eight-foot creature was coming at him like a torpedo.

Quickly Alistair jerked his legs up. Brushing against his feet, the croc vanished into a mud cloud. Then it whipped around and came back, its powerful tail whacking Alistair in the back as it passed. Gasping, Alistair surfaced for air, then went down, opened his eyes and looked into an

open mouth with two rows of gleaming, yellow-brown teeth.

Like a huge mousetrap, the croc’s jaws clamped shut on both of Alistair’s arms. In spite of the searing pain, he had enough presence of mind to take a last breath as the croc dragged him under. Alistair managed to wrench his left hand free, but the reptile held firmly to his right forearm as it swam backwards, dragging him to deeper water.

The crocodile spun its body and whirled the 14-stone, sixfoot man around in the water like a dishcloth being rinsed. Alistair felt his right forearm snap; his elbow and shoulder dislocated. It paused. Then Alistair realised it was turning again.

The scaly armour of the croc’s middle scratched the inside of Alistair’s own muscular thighs. Instinctively he clamped both legs round its belly and locked his ankles behind its back. When the beast rolled, he rolled with it. Locked in a fatal embrace, man and crocodile sank into deeper water.

DEspEratE manoEuvrE

Alistair’s frantic, powerful punches with his left fist simply glanced off the tough hide. His breath running out, he snatched a front foot and bent the claws back with all his strength. Again, no luck.

Recalling that crocodiles become docile when their eyes are covered or blinded, Alistair plunged his thumb into the croc’s eye, but the eyeball merely slithered around in its socket. He jabbed a forefinger into the other eye with no result. All the time the reptile kept shaking, and with each shake, blood spurted from Alistair’s arm, staining the water red.

Alistair’s lungs screamed for air. Desperately he took his free arm and jammed it into the reptile’s mouth, hoping he could force it to gag.

He felt sharp teeth rip his flesh as he drove his hand deeper and deeper. His fingers felt a rubbery flap at the back of the throat. Now! Grabbing the soft flesh between his fingers, he twisted and pulled.

With a spasm, the crocodile coughed. Its jaws opened involuntarily, just long enough to let Alistair jerk his arms free.

Paddling as best he could with his one good arm, Alistair surfaced. When he reached the bank, he lay gasping, utterly spent.

His right forearm was a gory mess, with deep jagged wounds, the joints twisted, the bone broken. Roused to action, he drove a sharp stick through his shirt sleeve and twisted it tightly to slow the bleeding.

Dazed and weak, Alistair lurched to his feet and staggered into the bush. He was determined to press on with his plan to get help.

A few yards inland he faced a steep slope covered with scrub. Painfully he worked his way to the top, then blacked out. When he awoke, he struggled a few more yards, but a gully blocked his route.

Slithering down the slope again, he followed the river bank. He could see the three people on the sandbank and one on the overturned boat. “A croc got me,” he yelled across the river. “I’m OK, but I have to rest.”

Alistair knelt by the water, washed and covered his arm with a makeshift bandage and lay down. His only hope was to survive until morning and then try to reach the camp.

a nEw worry

Stranded on the overturned boat, Clive was heartsick when he saw

Alistair stumble back alone. It meant they wouldn’t be rescued that day.

Though apprehensive, he decided to risk the swim to join the others on the sand bank. Now at least everyone was together.

Any thought of swimming for shore was dashed by the thought of

Wracked by pain, alistair saW the darkness Was closing in—and the time When predators begin to proWl

Alistair’s ordeal—and the sight of a 12-foot crocodile sunning itself on the river bank. Their best hope was still with Alistair.

Easy prEy

Drifting in and out of consciousness and wracked by pain, Alistair saw the darkness closing in—and the time when predators began to prowl. Get something to throw, he told himself. He piled stones beside himself.

From downriver came a chilling series of deep, throaty roars that were answered by other roars: lions calling to one another. Next he heard the yowling of hyenas, scavengers that could detect the scent of wounded animals from miles away.

Alistair had spent nights alone in the bush, but never without a fire— and a firearm. The blood trail he’d left was a well-posted road to an easy kill.

He was fighting sleep when a loud roar made him jump. It was close. It seemed only a matter of time before something got him.

Suddenly all was silent, and Alistair’s skin prickled. He knew when big animals close in on their prey they go quiet. He strained his ears listening and then his eyelids drooped shut.

night visitor

A strange noise brought Alistair fully awake. He heard heavy breathing and plodding footsteps. They were moving toward him. Craning his neck, he made out a set of enormous curving horns and the vast bulk of the last animal he expected to see—a Cape buffalo! A lone bull buffalo is one of the most feared animals in Africa.

Standing 20 yards away in the clearing, it lifted its muzzle to catch Alistair’s scent. Its enormous horns spanned over three feet. One hook of those horns could toss a man high in the air. The hunting world was full of stories of hunters gored or trampled to death by these behemoths.

Unable to run, Alistair sat up and lobbed a stone, hitting the beast in the head. But the buffalo merely shook its head as if bothered by a fly and stepped nearer.

At a distance of 30 feet, the buffalo stopped and gazed at Alistair. Then it carefully folded its front legs and, with a grunting sigh, laid down its great hulk.

Astonished, Alistair watched as the buffalo placidly chewed cud, its gaze fixed on the bushy ridge above—the same direction Alistair had been watching all night. After puzzling it for some time, Alistair worked out

the only explanation: the buffalo is guarding me! Finally, the injured man fell asleep.

somEthing’s coming

Hours later, Alistair snapped awake and felt tickly things on his bare chest. Then, in his armpits, on his face, in his wounds, he felt hundreds of bites and stings. Red ants!

Shouting in pain, he jumped up. The buffalo snorted with alarm as Alistair beat the insects off his body. He froze until the beast resumed its chewing.

Refreshed by his sleep, Alistair pondered his situation. As a guide, he’d seen animals inexplicably helping those of a different species. At a floodlit water hole once, he’d watched lions bring down a zebra, then seen a hippo try to nudge the dying zebra to its feet.

Suddenly the buffalo lurched to its feet and ran off, crashing through the scrub. Alistair became alert instantly. Was something coming?

Crouched against a rock, he relaxed as he realised what was coming—it was dawn.

Squinting into the brilliant light on the river, Alistair counted four figures. It’s a miracle, he thought, but we’re all alive!

Alistair Gellatly set off for the fishing camp. The trip took hours, but help eventually reached the stranded foursome. After recuperating from his injuries, he returned to his work as a safari guide, but with a renewed sense of wonder.

“Something really special happened that night,” he says. “A hippo tried to drown me, a crocodile almost ate me and then a buffalo helped me to survive. I don’t suppose anyone will ever be able to explain that act of mercy—but I will never forget it.”

Alistair wondered if he was benefiting from another instance of one animal risking its life for another. Whatever the reason, he was thankful. spac E F acts that ar E out o F this worl D

The Apollo astronauts’ footprints will stay on the moon for at least 100 million years.

there’s a planet named hD 189733b where it rains glass—sideways.

A tin can full of neutron star material would have more mass than the moon.

the milky way is so large that even at light speed, it would take 100,000 years to travel across it.

sourcEs: BustlE.com, spacEtElEscopE.org

The Easy Way To Sell Your Home

SELLING A PROPERTY CAN BE LITTERED WITH PITFALLS—from paperwork delays to hidden costs, or even your buyer pulling out lastminute. It’s no wonder moving house is considered to be one of the most stressful things you can do.

But what if you could take the stress out of it with a guaranteed buyer, no chain and a sale in a time frame to suit you? It sounds too good to be true, right? You couldn’t be more wrong.

We are pleased to introduce to you Reader’s Digest Property, providing the opportunity to sell your property quickly with no fuss.

We've partnered with experienced property buyers to offer a selling service with an average sale completion time of under two weeks.

So far thousands of people in England and Wales have been helped to sell—and for a huge range of reasons. Some choose this route to sell their property because they're frustrated with traditional estate

agents or being stuck in a long chain; others because a loved one has sadly died and they're unable to afford the upkeep of their inherited property.

Whatever your reason for selling, you can be reassured you're in safe hands with Reader’s Digest Property. Our partner property buyers are members of the Property Ombudsman Scheme and the National Association of Property Buyers (NAPB).

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Within hours of contacting us, you'll be given a preliminary offer for your property. This is based on property trends and the local market. Within days a formal valuation—at no cost to you—will be carried out and from that

PROPERTY

a firm offer for your property will be made.

If you accept this offer, solicitors will be instructed to take the sale forward quickly. You will not need to pay any solicitor or estate agent fees and there are no viewings. At this stage the sale is guaranteed—unless you change your mind.

Any type of property—flats, houses

and bungalows—in any condition will be considered.

There is only a small amount of paperwork for you to complete and your own solicitor can be instructed if you prefer. Some sales can be completed in under a week and the average is under two weeks—but we can work to any time frame you choose.

To find out more about how you can take advantage of a quick, no-fuss property sale, call Reader’s Digest Property on 08004 337979 (free to call from a mobile and landline) and quote ‘RD17’ or visit readersdigest.co.uk/property

Should You Have A Bigger Pension?

It’s surprisingly easy to forget historic pension pots. Here’s how to hunt down your missing cash

BY ANDY WEBB

Andy Webb is a money expert at the Money Advice Service. Visit money adviceservice. org.uk for details

IF YOU’VE SWITCHED JOBS over the years, you’ve probably paid into more than one pension scheme—and you may have lost track of how many pensions you actually have.

You won’t be alone. One in eight people with a pension have forgotten about a pot of retirement savings. Aviva found that 77 per cent of these people had only forgotten one—but some could have lost track of two or more pensions.

In total, unclaimed pension pots could add up to a huge £400 million, according to the Department for Work and Pensions, so it’s well worth checking your own accounts.

If you’re not sure whether you’ve lost track of a pension, or simply can’t find the details, there are a few things you can do.

Get in touch with the pension provider

If you can remember their name, the best way is to get in touch with the pension provider directly. Let them know your date of birth, National Insurance number and roughly when you started paying in.

Contact your old employer

If you’ve forgotten the name of your provider, get in touch with your former employer. They should be able tell you the pension provider and the type of scheme it was. To get this information, you’ll need to know the dates you worked there and your National Insurance number.

Use the Pension Tracing Service

If you really don’t know whether you have a forgotten pension, the Pension Tracing Service will help.

Enter the name of your employer at gov.uk/find-pension-contactdetails and you’ll be given contact details for whomever runs the pension scheme. You can also call the service on 0845 6002 537.

You won’t be told if you actually do have a pension, but at least you can then try the previous two steps. You can also do this for someone else.

What to do if you find a forgotten pension

First find out how much has been paid into the pension pot, what the

current value is and what charges apply if you decide to transfer the pot somewhere else.

If you’re yet to retire, ask about any charges, how it’s invested and the income you’d get when you retire. Also find out if anyone is named to get the money if you die.

Speak to a financial advisor

Armed with this information, it’s then worth speaking to an expert about how this pot could fit with your other pensions.

If you’re already retired, you can buy an annuity, set up an income drawdown, take it as a lump sum or do a combination of all three. It’s always worth getting some advice on the best option for you.

Time To Change Your Supermarket Habits

Price wars may have kept checkout totals low of late but, with the threat of price increases looming, it’s more important than ever to keep that supermarket bill in check.

Switch brands

You might have bought the same brand of tea or make of biscuits all your life, but you’d be surprised just how many variations of everyday groceries are made in the same factory with very similar ingredients.

It’s down to individual tastes, but if you’re willing to try a supermarket own-brand product instead, it’s likely you’ll save every time you shop.

Change supermarket

Discount chains often sell equivalent goods for less than the major stores. But don’t drive too far to make these savings if it’s going to cost you more in time and petrol.

Plan your meals

Each year the average person throws away around £600 worth of food, whether by cooking too much or

simply forgetting to use food before it goes off.

The simple answer to this is to plan your meals. Check through your fridge, freezer and cupboards to find out what needs using up, and then shop for the extras you need.

A shopping list won’t just remind you what you need, it’ll help focus you as you push your trolley around the aisles. Skip the sections you don’t have on your list.

Tips To Cut Your Overdraft Costs

Overdrafts can come in handy, but it’s easy to get into the habit of using them to increase your spending each month, rather than as a last resort when you’re out of cash.

The danger is that you could easily be hit with hefty overdraft charges. The obvious solution is to avoid going overdrawn, but there are some other things to consider if you do need to use an overdraft.

Set up an authorised overdraft

Exceeding your limit, or going into the red when you don’t have an agreed overdraft, can be very costly.

If you think it’s likely that you’ll exceed your limit, arrange for a higher limit or an extension. You might be charged a fee, but it could be cheaper in the long run.

Switch banks

Switching your bank is pretty easy to do, and if you’re regularly going overdrawn you might be better off

moving your account to a bank that offers an overdraft-friendly account with no fees or interest.

Use technology to keep track of your balance

Technology means it’s now easier than ever to keep an eye on the bottom line of your bank account.

Phone, internet and mobile banking allow you to keep track of what’s in your account at any time of the day.

You might also be able to set up a text-message service that will alert you whenever your balance is getting close to zero.

Why Reviewing Your Will Now Could Be A Good Idea

New legislation could give you the chance to leave more for future generations

From April this year there’ll be a new Inheritance Tax allowance available to those who leave their “main residence” to direct descendants on their death. Initially worth £100,000 per person, this allowance will gradually rise up to £175,000 per person in April 2020. This means a married couple leaving their main residence to their children could pass up to £1 million free of Inheritance Tax where the second death occurs after 2020.

This is a complex piece of legislation, the explanation of which is outside the scope of this article. But it’s important to note that you should review your Will now, as certain types of Will can prevent the extra tax-free allowance from being claimed.

WHAT IS INHERITANCE TAX?

It’s a tax that could be charged to your estate when you die (and on

some lifetime gifts). Everyone has a tax free allowance of £325,000 and since Oct 2007, married couples can transfer their unused tax-free allowance to their husband or wife. The Residence Nil Rate Band provides an extra tax-free allowance if the conditions are met. It’s important to plan your affairs to make full use of the allowances and exemptions available, as anything above is taxed at 40 per cent.

You can have your will reviewed free of charge in the comfort and privacy of your own home by trusted Readers Digest Legal

WHO SHOULD REVIEW THEIR WILL?

It’s a good idea for everyone to review their Will if they think they could benefit from the new tax-free allowance. In particular, anyone who has previously created an Inheritance Tax Saving Will (often called a Nil Rate Band Will) should certainly take advice. This type of Will, whilst no doubt appropriate at the time it was written, can prevent the new Residence Nil Rate Band being claimed in full in certain circumstances. That could have a big impact on how much tax your estate will pay.

Easy-to-prepare meals and accompanying drinks

Sausage & Fennel Ragu

BY RACHEL WALKER

Rachel Walker is a food writer for numerous national publications. Visit rachel-walker.co.uk for more details

DETERMINATION, BORN OF CHRISTMAS GLUTTONY, is easy to muster in early January when time to digest and dry out is a welcome relief. But one month on—when the nights are still long and many of us are in full hibernation mode—I can’t help but feel like it’s the wrong time for enforced deprivation.

I think that moderation is always a far better strategy (see overleaf for more), and this recipe is a prime example. It’s not piously healthy, but vitamin-packed tomatoes are a great thing to eat at this time of year.

Similarly, a sausage ragu is a cheap meal to produce. I implore you not to scrimp on budget ingredients here— an extra 50p goes a long way in the sausage aisle.

Serves 4

• 1tbsp olive oil

• 400g good-quality sausages

• 1 onion, diced

• 1 fennel, diced

• 2 sprigs of rosemary

• 3 garlic cloves, crushed

1. Preheat the oven to 120C.

• 175ml glass of red wine (or vegetable stock)

• ½tsp Lea & Perrins

• 1tsp sugar

• 400g chopped tomatoes

To serve: fresh tagliatelle and grated parmesan

2. Use a sharp knife to cut a slit along the sausages, and

then squeeze the meat out of the sausage skin. Heat the oil in a casserole dish, and then fry the sausage meat at a high temperature. Don’t move it in the pan too much—it needs to fry long enough in the oil to so it turns golden and crisp.

3. After 10 minutes add the onion, diced fennel, rosemary and garlic. Turn down the heat and cook for another 10 minutes, stirring from time to time.

4. Pour the wine into the pan and add a few splashes of Lea & Perrins, for depth of flavour. Finally, add the tomatoes and sugar. Let the sauce reach a gentle simmer, and then transfer the pan to the oven, and cook for a further 2 hours.

5. Five minutes before serving, bring a pan of salted water to the boil and cook the fresh tagliatelle. Drain, and then divide between four shallow pasta bowls.

TOP 3 SAUSAGES

Debbie & Andrew’s Perfect Pork

Sausages, Waitrose, £3/400g

Tesco Finest Lincolnshire Sausages, Tesco, £2.50/400g

The Black Farmer Premium Pork

Sausages, Morrisons, £2.97/400g

Marvellous Moderation

Of the 32 per cent of us who made a New Year’s resolution, a whopping 66 per cent have broken it by now.

It begs the question of just how relevant the traditional New Year’s resolution is anyway? Drastic lifestyle changes are generally shorter-lived than balanced alterations. A pledge to learn to cook new dishes, for example, is surely a better resolution than a crash diet.

This year, I joined the 11 per cent who picked booze as a target for their resolution. Instead of eliminating the joy of a glass of wine, my pledge is to drink less...but more adventurously. A happy half-way house!

A good way to escape the familiar churn of supermarket selections is to look at subscription services. You don’t need to commit to a case per

SUBSCRIBE TO TASTE

■ Humble Grape, from £27.50, humblegrape.co.uk

■ Beerbods, from £36, beerbods.co.uk

■ The Dram Team, from £26.99, thedramteam.co.uk

month. For example, Humble Grape offer a brilliant and bespoke service for £27.50/month, which results in the delivery of two 12-bottle cases of really interesting wines each year.

Beer lovers might enjoy Beerbods, which posts a different craft beer each week (starting at £36 for 12 weeks). Not only that, but subscribers can all log on for the live tasting at 9pm each Thursday to compare notes. In terms of spirits, a personal favourite is The Dram Team, which sends a out monthly tasting box of five 25ml drams, plus a special sixth (10ml) dram of a super-premium bottle.

It’s sensible and pleasurable. Now, pass me a moderately sized glass.

Pudding of the Month

Foolproof Pancakes

Makes roughly 8

• 120g plain flour

• 2 eggs

• 300ml milk

• 25g butter

1. Whisk together the flour and eggs. Slowly add the milk in a stream, whisking as you go, until there are no lumps and the batter has the consistency of thick double cream.

2. Melt the butter in a hot frying pan until it starts to foam. Tip half a ladle of batter into the pan, rocking it until there is an even coating of batter.

3. When the batter starts to come away from the pan and bubble round the edges (after 40 seconds), flip the pancake with a palette knife, and cook it for another 30 seconds the other side.

4. Add your chosen topping and eat straight away!

Tip Sweetpea Pantry Pancake Mix (£4.99, Ocado) is a good gluten-free alternative to flour.

BOOK

nationalcookeryschool guide.com Not a book, but a free online guide to the UK’s best cookery schools.

BARGAIN

greatbritishchefs.com

Another free resource, with great instructional videos to enhance skills.

BLOW OUT

Le Manoir Cooking Class, from £120. Learn from the best during an evening class or course.

BY LYNDA CLARK

Lynda Clark is a homes, property and interiors expert, and editor of First Time Buyer magazine

Green Living

BRING A TOUCH OF SPRING into your home with this pretty wallpaper, featuring beautiful illustrated wild flowers on a fresh white background. Inspired by mid-20th-century Swedish designers, the pattern was originally created in the 1950s. Forest, parakeet and hunter greens are some of the key shades for spring. This season’s all about texture, so mix natural materials such as raffia and rope with copper or brass accessories.

Wallpaper is enjoying a resurgence, so we’re spoilt for choice with an extensive range of designs, styles and colours to choose from. This flora-and-fauna paper looks particularly lovely as a feature wall—perfect for bringing the garden into the home.

■ Boråstapeter Koksvaxter 1789 wallpaper, £59 per roll (wallpaperdirect.com)

Get The Look

Simple accessories to set you in the mood for spring.

■ Opal botanical embroidered cushion, £22.50, pastellane.co.uk

■ Vivero brass watering can, £79, aprilandthebear.com

■ Whisp wool rug, from £49, jdwilliams.co.uk

■ Rattan chair, £235, furnish.co.uk

WATER, WATER, EVERYWHERE!

The perfect accessory for keeping your plants well-hydrated, this ingenious hand-blown glass “Water From A Stone” device waters your planter gradually over the course of three to four days. Simply remove the cork, fill up the stone with water and place in the planter with its cork facing downwards. Once the stone is in place, simply tap it to make sure the water is flowing properly (£14, kikkerlandeu.com).

BE MY VALENTINE

These heartfelt accessories are perfect for celebrating with the one you love

Pretty and practical Sagaform heart bowl with ladle, £24.50 (redcandy.co.uk).

Scandinavian-inspired, delicately embroidered love heart cushion, £10 (miah.co.uk).

Write a message to a loved one on this heartshaped blackboard, £8 (sainsburys.co.uk).

PARTNERSHIP PROMOTION

Breathtakingly Beautiful Magnolia

For springtime colour, nothing compares to the glorious pink blooms of this magnolia standard

PICTURE-PERFECT ANYWHERE IN THE GARDEN

, this superb magnolia produces magnificent displays of rose pink petals that elegantly unfurl from downy, silver buds to form large, gobletshaped blooms. Grown as a standard, this low-maintenance deciduous shrub reaches only 1.5m (60”) high and is compact enough for a pot on the patio, or as a focal point in borders. Was £29.99, NOW JUST £9.99.*

Magnificent displays

Minimal maintenance

Perfect in pots on patios or in borders

SUPERB HORTICULTURAL GRADE SECATEURS

No gardener should be without these superb secateurs—ideal for both light and hard pruning to get the very best from your flowers and shrubs. Were £14.99, NOW JUST £7.99.

UP TO 400% MORE FLOWERS

Give your new magnolia extra flower power with our exclusive Incredibloom® fertiliser 750g. JUST £12.99

* Order early to avoid disappointment. Limited availability. Supplied 1m (40”) tall. Offer ends 14th March.

New gadgets designed to enhance photography, music and how we learn

Culture Upgraded

By olly mann

Olly is a technology expert, radio presenter and podcaster

panasonic lumix dmc-Gx80, £599 The retro trend has dominated compact-camera design for a few years now, but this tanned leather Lumix might just be the most attractive one out there.

Don’t let its 1960s looks deceive you, though—it includes every feature you could possibly require from a state-of-the-art snapper, including 4K video capture, dual-image stabiliser and simple editing software. You can also operate the shutter from your phone, for a sophisticated selfie. Class.

apple app of the month: V for Wikipedia, £2.99

Let’s be honest, Wikipedia looks a little dull on mobile. This app spruces it up with a variety of clever features, such as pinpointing your

location on a map and directing you towards articles about the area around you. Pretty photo filters and easy bookmarking tools enhance the experience, so you’ll keep learning for longer.

Griffin itrip clip, £20

Apple’s iPhone 7 has much to recommend it, but its lack of a headphone jack was always going to be controversial: what are you supposed to do with all your expensive old headphones?

The iTrip is the answer: a little adapter you can clip to your clothes, thereby turning any set of wired cans into bluetoothconnected wireless ones. Just plug your headphones in, pair your phone, and hey presto: your headphones are wireless. It still would have been easier if Apple had just included a headphone jack, though...

lofelt Basslet, £119

Isn’t it funny how “feeling the bass” is now considered a desirable part of listening to music, rather than a fast pass to tinnitus? Still, if you seek good vibrations from your choons, the Basslet is the wrist accessory for you: stream your favourite songs through your smartphone, and it pulses along so you can feel the beat through your bones. Stand in a packed commuter train, yet feel like you’re in a nightclub. That’s the idea, anyway. It’s a bit odd that they didn’t add a watch to it, since it’s worn on your wrist, but, well, it’s a bit odd anyway.

android app of the month: hoop, free I was ranting on Twitter the other day about how I never find out about parent-and-baby screenings until after they’ve already been and gone. Then a load of mums messaged me about Hoop. It’s essentially a listings guide for parents of young children, which locates events happening in your ‘hood, from stayand-play sessions to pram-in-the-park picnics. Useful— I might tweet about it.

Introducing The All-New Gtech AirRam Mk.2

Now It’s Even Better!

For once the hype is justified, because the brand new Gtech AirRam Mk.2 vacuum cleaner really will make it easier and faster to clean your home

THE NEW MODEL is the result of four years of research and redesign. Gtech have listened to customers and designed out the things everyone hates about heavy, old vacuums. They’ve come up with something that’s genuinely different— and it’s available right now.

So what do you get with the new Gtech AirRam? You get a highperformance vacuum that weighs just 3.5kg. It’s cordless, so you can stop worrying about plug sockets or stretching power cords round corners. And yet it has the power to clean your home thoroughly, even dreaded pet hair.

There are no settings to change as you glide from room to room. The lithiumion battery gives you a remarkable runtime of up to 40 minutes on a single charge—and it’s designed to use less energy than a traditional upright, so it’s kinder to your pocket as well.

As well as the new patented AirLOC dirt-collection system, the AirRam Mk.2 has cleaner emptying: dust and dirt is compressed into the unique snail-shell bin forming a tubular bale. This can then be ejected into a dustbin with a slide of the dirt ejector arm, meaning no annoying dust clouds when you empty. There’s even an LED light, so you can see into dark corners—dirt and dust really does have nowhere to hide! Oh, and because the handle slides neatly into the body, the AirRam needs less room to store than a traditional upright.

It’s the future of cleaning—see it in action at gtech.co.uk.

By Geor G ina yates

Georgina is a fashion and beauty editor for numerous travel titles and a blogger at withgeorgia.com

Roman Romance

There’s no spa experience QU i T e like the Thermae Bath Spa in the beautiful city of Bath. The steaming “New Royal Bath” is filled with rich mineral water from the natural thermal springs upon which the city is founded. For over a thousand years, the springs have attracted tourists from across the globe.

The present-day Thermae Bath Spa is the result of a huge regeneration project. The rooftop pool offers panoramic views and is delightfully warm during the winter months. A wide range of treatments are offered, from massage and body wraps to facials and hot-stone therapy. March sees the opening of the Wellness Suite, where visitors can enjoy Roman-inspired steam rooms, an infrared sauna and an ice chamber.

■ Visit thermaebathspa. com for details

Clean and Clear

■ If you find most make-up removers harsh on your skin, try Vichy’s Pureté Thermale Foaming Cleanser (£8.30, allbeauty. com). The soft lather gently breaks down the day’s make-up, leaving your skin smooth and refreshed.

direCt aCtion

■ Declaring war on wrinkles? Try Murad’s Time Release Retinol Concentrate (£65, murad.co.uk). The main anti-ageing ingredient, retinol, encourages cell turnover, while collagenboosting antioxidants also help to brighten the skin.

■ This relaxed, ice-blue jumper will look great with dark denim (£69, phase-eight.com).

Blue is the warmest Colour For Her For Him

■ This classic coat will see you through many winters to come (£329, jigsaw-online.com).

■ Ready for some attention? This lush feather jacket is sure to turn heads (£149, monsoon.co.uk).

■ This chunky knit is produced entirely in the UK and is made for cold British weather (£198, jigsaw-online.co.uk).

■ Wonderfully durable, stylish and snug, this storm-proof jacket has all bases covered (£79, marksandspencer.com).

■ This merino wool jumper in baby blue proves that White Stuff has the right stuff (£47.50, whitestuff.com).

From dismembered bodies to family drama— this month’s reads are a mixed bag

February Fiction

James writes and presents the BBC Radio

4 literary quiz The Write Stuff

Ragdoll by

Daniel Cole (Trapeze, £12.99)

Daniel Cole’s debut novel has been causing a huge advance fuss in the books world—and now we know why. If I tell you that the ragdoll of the title is a body, found in a London flat, that consists of the dismembered parts of six corpses stitched together, you’ll realise the book isn’t from the cosy end of the thriller spectrum.

Yet while the killer’s fondness for imaginative murder doesn’t stop there, the result has far more to offer than mere shock value. Cole’s characterisation is uniformly strong. The police-procedural aspect is not only gripping in itself, but makes full use of the sheer variety of settings that London provides. The skilful plotting makes you both desperate to know what happens next and genuinely nervous about what it might be.

True, some of the novel’s individual elements are fairly familiar: a serial killer apparently taunting the police; several maverick cops, all married to the job; a commanding officer obsessed with public relations. Nonetheless, like the killer himself, Cole stitches the different components together with

NAME THE AUTH o R

(Answer on pxxx)

Can you guess the writer from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)?

1. Her lesser-known novels include The Silkworm and Career of Evil.

2. She took a middle name aged 31.

3. Her parents met on a train from King’s Cross.

such gleeful aplomb that he ends up producing something that nobody who comes across it is likely to forget.

City of Friends by Joanna Trollope (Mantle, £18.99)

A new Joanna Trollope novel is always an event. But in this case, I have to say, it’s not a completely happy one. The book features four female friends confronting an impressive range of middle-aged crises, from sudden unemployment to the break-up of a long relationship, unhappy teenage children to ageing parents. Many of Trollope’s considerable qualities are on display, including her ability to juggle a rich selection of strong storylines and to cast a sharp but notunkind eye on family life. So why isn’t City of Friends more engaging?

The problem, I think, is not just that it’s all so relentlessly middle-class— a clichéd criticism of Trollope admittedly, but still hard to avoid here. (At one particularly tragic point, a mother is faced with the “nightmare of kids squabbling over the sashimi”.) It’s more that in her obvious desire to celebrate strong, empowered women, Trollope makes all of the main characters extremely high-achieving and endlessly capable. They’re essentially invulnerable: a fact that inevitably robs the book of much of the potential for real drama.

PAPERbAcks

■ The Co-Op’s Got Bananas by Hunter Davies (s&s, £8.99) The veteran journalist’s thoroughly charming memoir of growing up in Carlisle in the 1940s and 1950s.

■ Jonathan Unleashed by Meg Rosoff (bloomsbury, £7.99)

A very funny and surprisingly sympathetic portrait of a twentysomething man who can’t see what’s so good about becoming a grown-up.

■ Breakdown by Taylor Downing (Abacus, £10.99)

Moving account of the shell shock that affected so many soldiers at the Battle of the Somme.

■ Sidney James and the Dangers of Temptation by James Runcie (bloomsbury, £7.99) The latest warm-hearted tales of the crime-solving vicar.

■ Friend for Life by kate Humble (Headline, £9.99)

The wildlife presenter has written a fascinating exploration of the relationship between humans and dogs, which mixes her personal experiences with a thorough root around in canine history.

Capturing the comings and goings of our local libraries, a new book provides a moving insight into ordinary life RD’s REcoMMENDED READ

Quiet Observations

AS WE KNOW, librAriES AcrOSS britAiN are facing serious cuts. Yet even though Chris Paling’s book takes place against a constant background of job losses and reduced services, that’s never his main focus. Instead, he spends most of his time simply recording what goes on in the library where he works— which turns out to be rather a good way of reminding us how valuable these places are. (In passing, he also reminds us that visiting libraries is still the UK’s most popular leisure activity.)

Not that Paling (above) could ever be accused of sentimentalising his

Reading Allowed: True Stories and Curious Incidences from a Provincial Library by Chris Paling is published by Constable at £14.99

job. Like a lot of people who deal with the public every day, he knows how unreasonable—or just plain weird— the public can be. He’s also well aware of the mixed motives they have for coming, with many (including the local homeless population) using his unnamed library chiefly as a sanctuary—and many others seeing it as the chance for a bit of company. When not issuing books, or overseeing the happy chaos of the children’s section, he often acts as a counsellor, a social worker or a listening post.

Through all of this, Paling’s other life as an accomplished if underrated novelist is reflected in the neat use of

quietly precise details. At times, in fact, the individual scenes work like the best kind of short story: allowing us to glimpse entire lives in a single incident.

Here, for example, is one of the library regulars, whose nickname comes from the globe-trotting he did after retiring as a picture-framer. Always ready with a tale or two from his colourful past—some of it involving London criminals—he’s lately become increasingly forgetful…

‘‘

The Travelling Man comes to sit at the counter, leans his stick against it and asks me to look up a Colm Tóibín book. Today he doesn’t seem to know me. He begins an anecdote but it tails off with a ‘…Sorry, can’t remember. It’s my memory. It’s going. I used to travel, but when my memory started going, I lost confidence. Couldn’t remember which airport…Alzheimer’s.’ For the first time he’s named his condition. He’s looking for [Tóibín’s novel] Brooklyn. The system suggests we have two copies. I tell the Travelling Man to rest while I hunt it down, and, remarkably, the two copies are actually on the shelf—hardback and paperback. I bring both back.

‘That’s the one!’ He opts for the hardback. I issue it but the system reports that he’s had the book out before. His enthusiasm immediately extinguishes, but he opts to take the book anyway.

MoRE fRoM reaDinG aLLOweD

“I watch an elderly woman as she rests, trying to draw in breath, on one of the comfy seats in Fiction. She is very, very old, but has made it to the library. She looks unwell. Her face is grey; her knuckles, visible on the claw of a hand that grasps her walking stick, are the size of golf balls. She seems to need help but just as I am about to offer it, her husband arrives, walking slowly along the aisle (Fiction, M). She tries to raise her head because perhaps she senses him, but even that seems beyond her. He is as old as she is, older perhaps. His face brightens when he sees her. ‘OK, darling?’ he asks her. She manages a smile and they walk out together, slowly, arm-inarm. Their pride in each other; their love; their support of each other shouts silently across the room.”

‘You know I saw a film last week. The new one with Michael Caine. I thought, f*** me, he looks old, and then I thought, hold on, I’m the same age!’ I tell him the thought is a familiar one to me.

Good-looking wife, but they was always rowing. Big drinkers. Big rows in the pub. I ask him how he is because he looks a bit rough and he says, “I’ve just killed my wife.” I think he’s joking, but he’s not. He’s just

He’s just killed his wife at home after a row and he’s come straight to the pub

We’ve been launched into the past again. His mind ranges over his old manor: Chelsea, Sloane Square, bombed-out London, happier days, the brighter colours of childhood. Suddenly he’s found focus and seems to know me again. He looks over his shoulder to check there’s nobody waiting. There isn’t.

‘Let me tell you something. I’ll be quick.’

‘That’s fine.’

‘So this pub, just behind Sloane Square. One night this bloke comes in, posh gent type. I knew him quite well, he used to live three doors down from the pub. Good-looking fellow.

AND THE NAME of THE AUTH

o R is… J K rowling. She took the middle name “Kathleen”, using initials rather than “Joanne” on the first Harry Potter book so as not to put off male readers.

killed his wife at home after a row and he’s come straight to the pub. Anyway, he has a drink, then another and then he goes. And I hear that after that he went down to the south coast and some of his friends managed to get him over to France in a boat. But they caught him eventually and brought him back…’

‘I’m sorry,’ I say, looking over the Travelling Man’s shoulder, where a man is waiting patiently to be served.

‘God! Listen to me. I’m sorry,’ the Travelling Man says. ‘Sorry!’ he calls to the young man. The young man smiles. He’s in no rush. The Travelling Man leaves. His walking stick remains propped at the desk. I wait, but he doesn’t change course to retrieve it as he heads for the door despite the fact that he is walking with some difficulty. I apologise to the customer at the desk and return the Travelling Man’s walking stick to him. He recognises the stick, but doesn’t seem to know me.

Books

THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Best-selling author Amanda Owen runs a 2,000acre hill farm in North Yorkshire, and has nine children. Her latest book, A Year in the Life of the Yorkshire Shepherdess, is published this month.

Danny, the Champion of the World

BY ROALD DAHL

I grew up near Huddersfield and spent a lot of time immersed in books, dreaming of a more rural life. I used to go to the library, but when I was given book tokens for Christmas, I’d get a new book all for myself. This was the first Roald Dahl book I bought and I was hooked by the romance of Danny’s life—living with his father in a gypsy caravan, poaching pheasants. I read it to my own children now.

If Only They Could Talk

BY JAMES HERRIOT

Last year was the 100th anniversary of the birth of Alf Wight, who wrote under the pseudonym of James Herriot. His publishers reprinted the first volume of his memoirs and asked me to write

the foreword. I was so honoured. My grandfather had given it to me when I was 12. Herriot’s adventures as a young country vet in Yorkshire spoke to me and I thought, That’s the life for me. Sadly my careers teacher told me I’d never get the grades to become a vet, but it didn’t dampen my conviction that I wanted a life among animals in the countryside.

Hill Shepherd

BY JOHN AND ELIZA FORDER

I borrowed this beautiful, raw photographic book from the library so many times I got nasty reminders from them! I’m a big believer in fate— when I moved to our farm in Swaledale, my husband Clive bought me my own copy. Looking through this book that had meant so much to me, we found him in one of the photographs. Everything in my life was meant to be. As told to Caroline Hutton

You Couldn’t Make It Up

Win £50 for your true, funny stories! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

FOUR-YEAR-OLD HARRI, my lovely grandson, looked thoughtful and then asked me, “Nana, why don’t you and Grandad have names like the rest of us?”

HANNAH BRYAN, Liverpool

TRAVELLING BY COACH from York to Doncaster recently, I sat behind a young boy, who was about seven years old, and his father. His mother was able to sit beside me as I was alone.

The boy was inquisitive about every aspect of the journey. He constantly asked his father about towns, buildings and anything else that he could see through the window. The father responded patiently and dutifully. Eventually, the boy was quiet for a while and his father began to read his newspaper.

Shortly we entered the small town of Askern. The boy asked the inevitable question. “Daddy, what’s the name of this town?”

Glancing up from his paper, he replied, “Askern.”

For a split second, the boy looked

“Right, next is Mr Blyth and his excessive body hair...grab a machete and STAY CLOSE!”

puzzled. He then turned round to speak to his mother.

“Mummy, you have to tell me the name of this place. Daddy doesn’t know and he told me to ask you.”

MALCOLM WALKER, London

MY GIRLFRIEND JANE was talking with her nine-year-old granddaughter Evie. Evie had just had sex education lessons at school and was asking lots of embarrassing questions about it.

Jane tried to change the subject. “Auntie Caroline is thinking of having another baby with Uncle Andrew,” she said. “She’s hoping for a little brother for their two girls. Do you think that’s a good idea, Evie?”

confused, asked genuinely, “But what do you point your furniture at?”

HARULA LADD, Devon

OUR FRONT OUTSIDE DOOR was in need of a coat of varnish. While studying the different varnishes on the shelf in our local DIY store, I was approached by a young assistant asking if I needed any help.

ROGER SCOTT, Isle of Wight

Evie thought about it for a little while. “It won’t happen, Nan,” she said. “They’ve had to do sex twice already. Uncle Andrew won’t want to do it again.”

COMING DOWNSTAIRS one evening, I overheard my mother speaking to someone on the phone. “The trouble with men,” she said forthrightly, “is that they cannot multi-task.”

Later on, in the lounge, an acrid burning smell filled the room. Placing my book on the arm of the chair, I stood up and strode towards the kitchen. When I opened the door I saw my mother setting down a smoking pan next to the window, which was wide open.

“I’m afraid I’ve ruined our tea, dear. I’ve been talking to Wendy on the phone and forgot to turn off the gas!”

RICHARD GRATY, Denbighshire

MY STUDENTS were discussing what they’d been watching on TV recently. They were kind enough to keep trying to involve me in the conversation, until my answers raised suspicion. One young woman said, “You don’t have a TV do you, Miss?”

I acknowledged that she was correct. Another student, looking

I replied that I was looking for yacht varnish. Starry-eyed, he asked, “Do you have a yacht?”

I replied, “No. A front door.”

JOHN MULLIN, East Dunbartonshire

MY HUSBAND IS A POLICEMAN and at the beginning of the school year, I invited him into my nursery class to meet my new pupils and have a little chat with them.

When I said goodbye to him, I gave him a quick peck him on the cheek. After he’d gone, I overheard one child saying to another, “Do you think she kisses all the daddies?”

AMBER JACOBS, Cheshire

MANY YEARS AGO

my mum was on the bus going into town with one of my brothers, who was about five at the time. It was winter and a lot of snow had fallen. As they looked out of the bus window, they saw a man cleaning snow from his car windscreen with an ice scraper.

“Look, Ma!” my little brother shouted. “That car is having a shave.”

LYNNE JURY NEWTON, Durham

Upgrading The Smartphone By Adding Simplicity

SMARTPHONE TECHNOLOGY

IS

EVOLVING every day, with an ever-increasing range of functions and uses becoming available from your handset.

For one manufacturer though, alongside all of the research and development into technical improvements, their most important evolution has been the addition of simplicity.

Doro, the world leader in easy-to-use mobile phones, is working hard to make smartphone technology accessible to all— regardless of age or ability.

because of the simple and highly visual instructions, smartphone beginners particularly will be able to do more, faster.

Large icons clearly identify where to find each function, from making a call, to sending a message or accessing the internet, the 820 Mini has a simple logic. It also has loud and clear sound, and is hearing aid compatible.

The Doro Liberto® 820 Mini is undoubtedly a powerful smartphone, with all the functionality of the many competitors on the market, but

In addition, for each of the main functions, there are step-by-step guides built into the phone to help the new user get familiar with the technology at their own pace.

SPECIAL READER’S DIGEST OFFER!

Buy a new Doro Liberto® 820 Mini smartphone today, for the special price of £150, which includes an Anywhere SIM card connection and £40 of credit, allowing you to roam the UK with signal from O2, EE, Three and Vodafone.

PLUS, if you buy now, we will give you, ABSOLUTELY FREE, a protective cover for your phone (rrp £18).

Simply go to readersdigest.co.uk/mobilephones or call 03454 133 953 and quote “Reader’s Digest offer”.

Word Power

When it comes to comic strips, we like ’em smart. So for this quiz, we took words from a classic: Bill Watterson’s The Complete Calvin and Hobbes.

You can find the answers, and relevant quotes from the animated pals, on the next page.

1. veritable adj—A: not false. B: unprovable. C: imaginary.

2. cretin n—A: shoehorn. B: clod. C: oily liquid.

3. assent n—A: long climb at a steep incline. B: sentence fragment. C: agreement.

4. perpetrate v—A: to commit. B: ponder. C: pass along.

5. serene adj—A: turbulent. B: calm. C: injectable, as with medicine.

6. provocation n—A: act of being dishonest. B: act of showing sorrow. C: act of inciting.

7. onslaught n—A: sneak attack. B: air attack. C: fierce attack.

8. harbinger n—A: sign. B: warning. C: celebration.

9. trajectory n—A: flying object. B: stationary object. C: path.

10. imminent adj—A: first among many. B: ready to take place. C: greatly delayed.

11. malign v—A: to knock out of whack. B: to fake illness or injury. C: speak ill of.

12. surmise v—A: to infer. B: pack tight. C : remove carefully.

13. tripe n—A: type of fish. B: leafy green vegetable. C: poor, worthless or offensive thing.

14. calibrate v—A: capture the attention of. B: adjust precisely. C: place covertly.

15. spelunking n—A: act of proving false. B: type of cake frosting. C: hobby of exploring caves.

Answers

1. veritable—[A] not false or imaginary. “Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught.”

2. cretin—[B] clod; stupid or vulgar person. “…and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.”

3. assent—[C] agreement. “Dad will look at Mum and say,/‘Too bad he had to go that way.’/And Mum will look at Dad and nod assent.”

4. perpetrate—[A] to commit, carry out. “By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected.”

5. serene —[B] calm. “Tragically, this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover Dam.”

6. provocation—[C] act of inciting, stirring up. “At the slightest provocation, we’ll let loose a barrage of stinging ice.”

7. onslaught [C] an especially fierce attack. See number 1.

8. harbinger—[A] sign of things to come. “Comets are harbingers of doom.”

9. trajectory—[C] path. “Houston, we have a negative on that orbit trajectory.”

10. imminent—[B] ready to take place. “The alien, being unnaturally stupid, is blissfully ignorant of its imminent doom.”

11. malign—[C] to speak ill of. “Ooh! An insult! I’ve been maligned! I’ll never speak to you again.”

12. surmise—[A] to infer. “Only then will they surmise/the gruesomeness of my demise/and see that my remains are in a heap.”

13. tripe—[C] something poor or offensive. “When you’re old, you’ll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on.”

WORD OF THE DAY*

CURGLAFF

14. calibrate—[B] to adjust precisely; to standardise by correcting a deviation from the norm. “Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies a Zarg. Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready... aim...”

The shock of touching very cold water.

Alternative suggestions: “Medicine for a long-necked animal.”

“The name for the sombre moment that ends a fit of giggles.”

“A technique that involves using laughing gas to cure certain ailments.”

15. spelunking [C] the hobby of exploring caves. “Spelunking? There aren’t any caves around here.”

VOCABULARY RATINGS

9 & below: good 10–12: excellent 13–15: exceptional

Are You Covered?

The trend of travellers looking for more adventure from their holidays has continued over the past year. Where once the promenades of British resorts or Spain’s sandy beaches were considered for the annual holiday, holidaymakers are now seeking more exotic destinations

THE COST OF TRAVEL INSURANCE is always of interest, so it’s reassuring to know good levels of travel cover are available at a competitive price.

Reader’s Digest Insurance Services offer an annual multi-trip policy from £120* for two adults upto the age of 64.

Reader’s Digest Insurance Services have reported a surge in extendedstay travel policies, covering trips of three to four months. These single-trip policies are available for travellers up to age 84 and are popular with those visiting relatives in locations such as South Africa and Australia.

Other important factors to consider

when arranging travel insurance are the levels of cover for cancellation, emergency medical cover, medical conditions and age limits. Always check what cover is included—know the level of excess and be aware if cover for items such as personal possessions are included.

BrainTeasers

Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers, then check your answers on page 139.

DartboarD

If you get a dart in the middle ring of this board, it doubles the value of that dart. Landing a dart in the outer ring triples the value. (Notice that there’s no bull’s eye.) What’s the smallest number over 2 that would be impossible to score on this board using three darts?

6

3 4 5 2 1

DiGital ConneCtions

Arrange these four pieces into a square so that each of the digits 0 to 9 (as shown) appears once. The numbers can have any orientation (right-side up, upside down, sideways, etc.), and there’ll be two extra symbols that will not match any of the digit designs below.

Darren r igby

iCe maze

Find your way from the start to one of the two goals, and try doing so within the number of moves noted next to that goal. (A new move begins each time you change direction.) The surface is slippery, so you may change direction only after you hit a wall.

13 moves start

CUttinG Corners

What numbers are missing from the corners of this grid?

sqUare spaCe

10 moves

There are 12 checkers on a table, arranged as shown. Four adjacent checkers can be united in a square. Including the one indicated, how many possible groupings are there of four checkers that form a square?

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest ), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

DartboarD 47.

DiGital ConneCtions

Brainteasers: Answers ?

Note that any other rotation of this arrangement would also be correct.

iCe maze

CUttinG Corners

Top left: 4. Top right: 3. Bottom right: 2. The sum of the numbers in each row and column is 19.

sqUare spaCe

There are 6 groupings.

£50 prize qUestion

answer published in the march issue

these shapes follow a pattern. What shape should be in the middle?

the first correct answer we pick on February 1 wins £50!* email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

answer to janUary’s prize qUestion

C. think of this shape as a clock where the circle represents an hour number on the face—the “hour” moves back two places every time.

anD the £50 Goes to… susan Jones, surrey

Laugh!

Win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

A HUSBAND AND WIFE were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Pet, if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No, wouldn’t think of it.”

The woman said, “I’m sure you would, dear.”

So the man said, “OK, I might.”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Yes, I suppose so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”

GRAHAME JONES, London

REACHING THE END of a job interview, the human resources officer asks a young engineer fresh out of Cambridge University, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of £100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well,

what would you say to a package of five weeks’ paid holiday, full medical and dental, company-matching retirement fund to 50 per cent of salary and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver BMW?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you joking?”

The interviewer replies, “Yes, but you started it.”

SEEN AT LAUGHFACTORY.COM

MY GRANNY was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not with a stick—he just died first.

COMEDIAN ALEX HORNE

A RECENT WORLDWIDE SURVEY

showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94 per cent were too lazy to actually read that number.

SEEN AT FACEBOOK.COM

MY MOTHER TOLD ME, “You don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to.” Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.

COMEDIAN SARAH MILLICAN

A WOMAN is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven and begins reading the commemorative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something were rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passer by and asks what all the scratching sound it.

The local person replies, “Oh that’s Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”

MICHA BRYN, Liverpool

A TEACHER asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.

“My father grows beans,” said one little girl.

“My mother cooks beans,” said another boy.

A third student, the littlest of the class, spoke up, “We’re all human beans.” SEEN ONLINE

I’M SINGLE. By choice. Her choice. No, it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex-boyfriend.

COMEDIAN BRETT GOLDSTEIN

WHAT DID the tall chimney say to the small chimney?

“Hey, you’re way too young to smoke.” SEEN AT SHORT-FUNNY.COM

I REALLY WANTED KIDS when I was in my early 20s but I could just never…lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding…I don’t have a licence.

COMEDIAN FELICITY WARD

SHOPPING HELL

Website sadanduseless.com has paid “tribute to husbands everywhere”— and it’s pretty funny.

LEAVING HER HOUSE, a woman spotted a TV licence-detector van parked outside. As the operator made his way to her front door, she told him, “I can’t stop but tell my husband the licence is on the mantlepiece behind the clock.”

The husband answered door and told the operator, “I don’t know where the licence is.”

Back came the reply: “It’s behind the mantlepiece clock.”

“My word,” gasped the husband. “That’s some van you’ve got there.”

BRIAN ALDEN, Avon

TEACHER: “Tell me a sentence that starts with I.”

Pupil: “I is the...”

Teacher: “Stop! Never put is after an I. Always put am after an I.”

Pupil: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.” SEEN AT JOKES-BEST.COM

A MAN WALKS INTO a chemist’s and says, “Can I have a bar of soap, please?”

The chemist says, “Do you want it scented?”

And the man says, “No, I’ll take it with me now.” COMEDIAN RONNIE BARKER

I WANTED TO GROW my own food but I couldn’t find bacon seeds anywhere. SEEN AT FACEBOOK.COM

THE EASIEST TIME to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

COMEDIAN DEMETRI MARTIN

WHY DO COWS wear bells?

Their horns don’t work. SEEN ONLINE

SAGACITY AND CYNICISM

After MP Douglas Carswell questioned the influence of the moon on ocean tides, the Twitterverse decided to seek his stance on other topics too...

@WelshDalailama: “The moon follows me when I drive. How does it know where I’m going? #AskCarswell”

@KhalidWinter: “If smoking is bad for you, why does it cure salmon? #AskCarswell”

@Far_Right_Watch: “How can we trust atoms if they make up everything? #AskCarswell”

@SonofSar: “If you’re travelling at the speed of light and you put your headlights on, what happens? #AskCarswell”

60-Second Stand-Up

We had a chat with the Australian queen of puns, Bec Hill

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE OF YOUR OWN JOKES?

I used to think an ocean of orange soda actually existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.

ANY FUNNY TALES ABOUT A TIME YOU BOMBED ON STAGE?

The audience sat in silence at one of my first bookings. It felt like that scene in Back to the Future where Marty McFly goes into the guitar solo and everyone is staring at him, so I finished my set by saying, “I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet… but your kids are gonna love it.”

WHAT’S YOUR MOST MEMORABLE HECKLE EXPERIENCE?

A projector I was using in a show broke down. An audience member took out a box of cupcakes and fed everyone while they waited for it to work. If you’re thinking of heckling a comedian, give them a cupcake instead—they’ll appreciate that so much more.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE ONE-LINER?

Masai Graham’s: “What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s a little lighter.”

WHO’S YOUR COMEDY INSPIRATION?

Ross Noble and Sarah Kendall. She was one of the first comics I saw who wasn’t making fun of anyone but was still hysterical.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I would make food appear in my mouth. Then you don’t have to share it with anyone.

Visit bechillcomedian.com for details of Bec’s upcoming shows. You can follow her on Twitter @bechillcomedian or her page at Facebook.co.uk/bechillcomedian

Beat the Cartoonist!

Think of a witty caption for this cartoon—the three best suggestions, along with the cartoonist’s original, will be posted on our website in midFebruary. If your entry gets the most votes, you’ll win £100 and a framed copy of the cartoon, with your caption.

Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption by February 10. We’ll announce the winner in our April issue.

December’s Winner

It’s been another close month, with a slew of brilliant entries. In second place was Ellen Wilson’s pithy wording, “I know I asked for an extra hand at Christmas, but this is ridiculous” However, none of the entries managed to knock cartoonist Peter King’s caption off the top spot: “I hope you like it, you’re really awkward to buy for”. Better luck next time!

IN THE MARCH ISSUE

“I Remember”: Lorraine Kelly

The TV presenter on asking life’s big questions.

Dear Mum

Three daughters pen open letters to their remarkable, inspiring mothers.

Plus

• When Medications Cause Harm

• Best of British: Hidden Gems

• Conquering Food Waste in Denmark

MAYA

Bring Tears of Happiness

Dr Kadiyali M. Srivatsa

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£26.99 hc | £15.95 sc | £2.99 eb

Alzheimer’s - Dementia

Find the Best Nursing Home with Sister Ann

Ann Marie Gallogly

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£19.99 hc | £11.95 sc | £2.99 eb

MAYA was written to share information about common symptoms, reducing anxiety, visiting hospitals, doctors, and spreading infections. Delay in consultation because of fear of cost, infection, or false assurances o ered by non-medically trained personnel often result in devastating consequences.

My Mocassins A True Story

Mary Honeybone

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£19.99 hc | £11.95 sc | £2.99 eb

This is a story of a girl brought up with strict rules, who nds courage to test them. In doing so, she goes through the believable and unbelievable. You will be taken through every emotion possible on the journey with her.

A Humanitarian Past Antiquity’s Impact on Present Social Conditions

Adele Änggård

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£17.95 sc | £2.99 eb

Antiquity has drawn a blind over earlier and more humanitarian cultures, writing o artistic and egalitarian practices—while antiquity’s social habits escalated stress. Discovering A Humanitarian Pas t pitches us into an exciting and previously unexplored part of the human story.

Alzheimer’s – Dementia: Find the Best Nursing Home with Sister Ann is a guide on how to recognize good nursing home care for people su ering from dementia. Ann Marie Gallogly writes step-by-step about choosing a facility for your loved one.

The Oldest Game

Sue Leger

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£17.99 hc | £9.95 sc | £2.99 eb

The Oldest Game is a story about a young Romanian woman who becomes a victim of tra cking. While on holiday, an old school friend recognises her and determines to rescue her. He nds more than he bargained for.

The Ratchwood Prophecy

Book One

Duncan Watson

www.authorhouse.co.uk

£14.99 sc | £2.99 eb

The prophecy foretells the coming of a messiah, whose role is to unite all world religions with secular culture in the shadow of realization that God has bestowed the eponymous Ratchwood with the power of time travel.