Reader's Digest UK Feb 2014

February 2014 Features

“A good rescue story reminds us that life is precarious,” says journalist Derek Burnett

“We’re never really certain of anything— not even the ground beneath our feet.” p62

“Despite it being bitterly cold when photographing Jen Hacking, hearing her story of kindness left me with a warm feeling inside,” says photographer Marc Burden. p88

“The Queen would do well to think of abdication and becoming the Queen Mother, before our supreme institution—the monarchy— is called into question,” says historian and royal expert Christopher Lee. p94

All creatures great and small are welcome in Tracy Cooper’s pet-rescue centre—p54

BARRY MARSDEN

Regulars Welcome

To mark Random Acts of Kindness Week, in this month’s issue we have a wonderful feature about the kindness of strangers (and friends). Read it on p88 and then write and tell me about the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for you. I’d love to see your stories.

For 2014, we’re introducing an exciting new photo competition in which we’d like to see what family means to you in Britain today—see p71 for details. We’re looking for original, imaginative pictures that sum up your sense of contemporary family life, so if you think you can take pictures that tell a story, get snapping! We’ll publish the winning entries in a future issue.

For striking photos in this issue, take a look at the image of pet rescuer Tracy Cooper

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Over to You...

emails, letters, tweets and facebOOk

£30 for each puBliShed letter, £50 for the letter of the MoNth!

See p4 for More detailS

Letter of t he Month

The stories in “Christmas Will Never Be the Same Again” were truly inspirational. The Orchard family’s situation prior to their Lottery win, for example, certainly hit home— struggling to make ends meet with two children and not being able to afford presents. When our kids were young, we saved free books from cereal packets to add to their stockings, while other presents came from charity shops. Another year, we won a hamper just before Christmas, which served as our gift to each other.

With the pressures exerted on us from advertisers to “make Christmas more special” each year, it’s sometimes difficult to feel full of Christmas spirit when all you can see is mounting bills. But it’s stories like the Orchards’ that give us real hope.

Kevin Briggs, Shetland

“Christmas Will Never Be the Same Again” was very moving. It made me think of my son, who became addicted to playing online poker and racked up massive debts as a result. He’s currently in his final year studying to be a doctor, but has only just scraped through his course.

However, thanks to Gamblers Anonymous, he hasn’t played poker for months. He also said that last Christmas was the first in ages he’d looked forward to. Name withheld

memory lane

Like David Jason in “I Remember”, I can also recall my mum’s Co-op “divvy” number (53443), having instilled it into my memory when being sent to buy delivery milk tokens in the 1960s. It was later replaced by Co-op stamps, which made the job doubly difficult— it was hard enough not to lose the tokens, let alone worry about sticky pieces of paper as well!

Mike Godfrey, Bedfordshire

celebrating youth

What a refreshing read Dominic Sandbrook’s “Maverick” piece on young people turned out to

Over to You…

rodney @rodneyhamlett

I don’t really read magazines that much, but I’ve always been fond of reader’s digest.

be. As the dad of two rapidly growing boys, it was great to see some positive things written about teenagers. With an ageing population, we need to build up our young people, not knock them down.

Jeremy davies, hertfordshire

not the only meal

Andrew Berry’s December letter claimed that fish ’n’ chips is “the one meal people are happy to queue up for”. But I disagree— in Scotland, many chip shops have queues for chicken, pies, puddings and pizzas, which are all much cheaper than fish.

aeneas Macritchie, West lothian

away from the screen

I agree with Kelly Hoppen in “If I Ruled the World”—it would be far better if family life went back to basics.

My husband and myself have just started fostering, and we’re amazed at how much the children rely on the internet, Facebook, Twitter, iPads and mobile phones. All the same, we’ve played cards, got out board games and gone for mountain walks and swims. The kids have thoroughly enjoyed themselves, but life for young

people is certainly not as relaxed and carefree as it used to be.

amelie George, Wrexham

let them eat soup

Being a final-year student, I don’t have the time or inclination to cook complicated meals, so I was pleased that your aromatic parsnip-soup recipe took only 30 minutes from preparation to serving. It tasted delicious, with the added bonus of being unfattening. Many thanks!

lucie Jones, liverpool

feathered friend

I so enjoyed “When Animals Act Like Humans”, in particular the section “All Animals Think”. It reminded me of a blackbird that befriended us (pictured below). He began by eating the raisins I left out for him, and was soon taking them from my hand. He loved me talking to him and would look at me sideways with one eye and study me. When we returned from holiday, he ran across the lawn to us like a dog.

“Life for young peopLe isn’t as reLaxed as it used to be”

One wet day he came to the window, took two raisins and flew off. I left others out for him, but he never returned. I still miss him.

elizabeth roberts, plymouth

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r a d ar your short, sharp guide to february

Film

Author and BBC4 Review

Show critic

Natalie Haynes on the new releases

in cinemas

The Invisible Woman Viewers hoping for a gender-switched reboot of H G Wells’s classic novella are about to be sadly disappointed. But not for long, as this is a thoughtful, elegant adaptation of Claire Tomalin’s 1990 biography of Ellen Ternan, a young actress who became the lover of Charles Dickens.

Ralph Fiennes directs himself in the role of Dickens, and infuses him

The book of love: Dickens (Ralph Fiennes) and Ellen (Felicity Jones)

with all the fun, exuberance and awareness of injustice that his readers will recognise, but without flinching from showing how badly he treated his wife Catherine from the moment he glimpsed Ellen (Felicity Jones).

The cast is tremendous, particularly Joanna Scanlan (The Thick of It) as the wounded Catherine and Tom Hollander as Dickens’s sometime collaborator Wilkie Collins.

Labor Day

Happy families?

Jason Reitman has written and directed some of the most successful indy hits of the past few years, including Up In the Air and Juno. But Labor Day is quite a departure from his usual quirky, humorous take on the world.

Henry (terrific newcomer Gattlin Griffith) and his mother Adele (Kate Winslet) live an isolated life. Adele is crippled by agoraphobia and Henry has to be the adult in their relationship, though he’s only 12. But their lives are transformed when an escaped convict (Josh Brolin) asks Henry for help.

The plot could lead to slushy melodrama territory (Mary Berry would wince at an emotional and messy baking scene), but nuanced performances by the top-notch cast and dreamlike direction create a moving meditation on the nature of love.

Gattlin Griffith, Josh Brolin and Kate Winslet reader radar

Liz Rowden, 31, finance administrator

and natalie’s pick of the dvds

Captain Philips

Tom Hanks

stars in a potential Oscar-winning role as the captain of a ship raided by Somali pirates. Nerveshredding.

Enders Game

Aliens have attacked earth, and only one boy (Asa Butterfield) can save us. Ben Kingsley and Harrison Ford are his A-list mentors.

Watching: Veep (Sky Atlantic)

This Armando Iannucci comedy about the US vice-president has to be the funniest show on TV at the moment.

Online: pinterest.com I can spend literally all day on it. From clothes to food to DIY tips, you can so easily get lost in its pages.

Reading: The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt Just as with the author’s other books, I’m completely immersed in this story about a young man’s life being torn apart.

Listening: Reflektor by Arcade

Fire Its catchy disco vibes are the perfect thing for my commute. I have it on repeat at the moment.

Music

BBC 6

Music’s Stuart Maconie’s pick of the recent releases

Billion Dollar Babies by Alice Cooper

Think the 40th anniversary reissue of a masterpiece Has a record ever opened as excitingly as this, with the menacing, glorious fanfare that is “Hello Hooray”? All these years on, it still sets a tone that never lets up throughout this triumph of glam metal. Forget the guillotines and gimmicks, this is one of the greatest rock albums of this or any era, packed to the gunnels with big pop hits—“No More Mr Nice Guy” never ages—and a swaggering, shivery sense of dread.

friends has an asymmetric haircut, a beard, tight drainpipes and a fitted short-sleeved shirt buttoned at the collar, I guarantee that you/they will be drooling at the prospect of this release. There’s a more urban edge to this, Warpaint’s second collection of dreamy hipster pop with a faintly unsettling vibe. “We’re going for an underwater mood,” they assert, and you can see what they mean.

Croz by David Crosby Rock’s demonic cherub makes overdue return The contradiction at the heart of David Crosby’s music is that work so ethereal and haunting should have come from a life so often dark and dissolute that it saw him incarcerated for possession of firearms and cocaine. His first album for 20 years is an intimate,

Warpaint by Warpaint

Think a King Crimsonloving all-girl quartet. If you or any of your

intense collection of which he says, “This won’t be a huge hit. It’ll probably sell 19 copies. I don’t think kids are gonna dig it, but I’m not making it for them. I’m making it for me. I have this stuff that I need to get off my chest.”

Gadgets

Technology expert, LBC presenter and Answer

Me This! podcaster

Dyson DC49 £349.99

When people claim their vacuum cleaner is sexy, it’s usually only a matter of time before they turn up in A&E. But this one really is a looker. The dust capacity isn’t up to much, but it’s so light and powerful you forgive it instantly. It sucks, hard: the electric motor is the same one you’ll find in Dyson’s Airblade hand dryers. Plus, with the footprint of a sheet of A4 paper, you can store it away almost anywhere.

Olly Mann reveals the latest must-haves Roberts Revival Blutune £200

also on our radar…

February 9

World Marriage Day

February 15–23

Jorvik Viking Festival, York

February 19

The BRIT Awards, The 02, London

February 25–

March 20

Fairtrade Fortnight

February 28–

March 9

Bath Literary Festival

The Revival Radio is a design classic, yet for years Roberts have equipped it only with FM and DAB, despite the arrival of internet radio, podcasts and streaming services such as Spotify. Finally, they’ve caught up: Blutune retains the delicious retro stylings of the series, but adds a Bluetooth sync function, so now it plays audio from your smartphone or tablet as well as digital and analogue radio

stations. Disappointingly they’ve abandoned PausePlus—the useful feature of previous models that enabled you to pause live radio—but, still, this looks and sounds great in any home.

Livescribe 3 £129.99

Scrawl a note on special paper with this smartpen and your doodlings magically appear on your iPad in real time, saved as a PDF or uploaded to Evernote. and check out…

Tomy Battroborg Battle Arena

£69.99

Do your kids spend too long playing video games? This robot toy cleverly weans them away, as Battroborgs are activated via a Wii-like motioncontrolled remote.

Sport

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up comedian Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month’s action

Winter Olympics, Sochi, Russia

February 7–23 The Olympics returns from a painful 18-month sabbatical. This one will be just like London 2012, but colder, with snow, featuring different sports, in a different country, and with Vladimir Putin playing the role of Boris Johnson with his own distinctively despotic twist.

Great Britain is aiming to break its record medal haul—four, in 1924—and the expanding roster of literally and metaphorically cool events has raised hopes. Katie Summerhayes aims to bag a little shiny gong in the first Olympic ski slopestyle, an event involving a cavalier series of jumps and tricks. Meanwhile, 2006 skeleton bobsleigh silver medallist Shelley Rudman may emulate Amy Williams’s gold in Vancouver in 2010.

Track Cycling World Championship, Cali, Colombia, February 26–March 2 The highlight will be double world champion

and recently crowned BBC Young Sportswoman of the Year Becky James defending her titles in the sprint and keirin.

The latter is a curious event, in which a bunch of cyclists pursue a lone motorcyclist, making it one of those rare sporting disciplines with practical everyday applications (for example, when you need to chase down a pizza delivery boy who has utterly failed to include the extra jalapeños on your deep-pan Mexican Mayhem, or you want to ask a police outrider to pass on a goodwill message, ransom demand or smutty joke to the Queen in a royal motorcade).

Manchester City v Barcelona, Champions League Last 16, February 18 Fifteen years ago, this fixture would have pitted Rivaldo and Luís Figo against Paul Dickov and Shaun Goater. Now, it will see Neymar and Messi against Agüero and Yaya Touré. Is that progress? Perhaps. Partially. n

You Couldn’t Make It Up…

¶ as a young police constable on the beat, I was told to carry out point duty at a busy road junction following the failure of the trafficlight system.

After two miserable hours directing traffic in sub-zero temperatures, I was greatly relieved when a man emerged from a nearby pub, walked briskly towards me and offered me a glass of brandy. Making sure my sergeant was nowhere in sight, I thanked my benefactor and quickly gulped down the contents of the glass.

It was only then that I noticed the look of surprise on his face. He explained that he’d only handed me the drink to demonstrate that the landlord was serving short measures in his pub, and he wanted to complain about the situation.

James Oldcorn, Lancashire

¶ I asked my wife to record a big boxing match on TV. But when I got home to watch it, she told me she’d wiped it.

“Why did you do that?”

I asked, astonished.

“There didn’t seem much point,” she replied. “One of the men got knocked out in the first round.”

Stephan Bryn, Liverpool

¶ My parents were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

“You know, it’s not so bad,” Mum said. “Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie suddenly stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

Adam Barnes, Clwyd

¶ I had some very distinctive driving gloves—I couldn’t find another pair like them anywhere, until I was in a large clothes shop and came across a long counter covered in gloves.

Starting from one end, I tried on glove after glove. At the end, I came across a pair just like mine. The assistant confirmed that all pairs were £2, so I paid up and walked back proudly to my car.

It was then I realised, to my utter horror, that I’d just bought my own gloves.

John Gaydon, East Sussex

¶ On a tour of a small Greek island recently, my husband decided to ring the bell at the local church…only for a large number of inhabitants to enter the churchyard looking both mournful and shocked.

The tour guide then helpfully informed him that the bell was only used when an inhabitant had passed away—leaving my husband feeling a tad embarrassed.

Joseph Taylor, by email

“how romantic…a getaway spa Weekend”

¶ My friend John kindly volunteered to take his niece to Blackpool Pleasure Beach for a treat.

They had a great time on child-friendly rides and enjoyed ice cream and pop. As they were about to leave, the little one looked up at the mega ride and said, “Uncle John, can we go on that, please?”

“No, sorry,” replied John. “You’ll have to grow another

¶ one of the many challenges faced by a primary-school teacher is learning to differentiate between identical twins. Sometimes there’s a helpful birthmark, or one has more

Win £50 for your true, funny stories. go to readers digest.co.uk/ contact-us or facebook. com/readers digestuk

foot before they’ll let you go on that ride.”

She paused for a moment, then said, “But, Uncle John, I have two feet already!” Colin Bowes, Lancashire

¶ While stacking shelves at the library where I work, I came across a book called Finding God in Mysterious Places. It was in among the computer books. Julie Beale, Swindon

prominent ears. But a particular set of twins was proving tricky for me.

I was standing with their younger brother when I saw one of them approaching.

“Is this Tom or Joe?” I

asked the younger brother.

“It’s Joe,” he replied without hestitation.

Impressed, I asked how he could be so certain.

“Tom’s off sick,” he said.

Alison Wassell, Merseyside n

Word Power

A brief history of all things small

In recognition of February, the shortest month, we celebrate all things diminutive. Zip through this quiz in short order, answering A, B or C below.

1 transient adj

A short-range B shorthanded C short-lived

2 vignette n

A small glass B short literary sketch or scene

C thin line

A word is born Slacktivism

A portmanteau of the words slacker and activism, used to describe feelgood measures in support of certain causes (such as “liking” a petition on Facebook) without any serious commitment.

RD Rating: Useful? 7/10 Likeable? 8/10

3 bagatelle n

A child’s rucksack

B nucleus of a cell

C something of little value

4 scintilla n

A short vowel B minute amount C minor crime

5 myopic adj

A too tiny for the naked eye B short-sighted C petite

6 irascible adj

A small-minded B narrowwaisted C marked by a short temper

7 expeditiously adv

A promptly and efficiently B incompletely

C tersely

8 tabard n

A short-sleeved coat

B small book of verses

C dwarf evergreen

9 arietta n

A tot’s playpen B miniature figurine C short melody

10 niggling adj

A petty B stunted

C short-winded

11 aphorism n

A concise saying B cut-off sentence C shorthand

12 staccato adj

A of cemented fragments

B formed into droplets

C short and disconnected

13 nib n

A crumb on a plate

B point of a pen C matter of seconds

14 exiguous adj

A inadequate, scanty

B momentary C reduced by one-tenth

15 truncate v

A to speed up B compress by squeezing C shorten by lopping off

►

cover star ross kemp’s favourite word?

Home “Because it’s my favourite place to be and I’m away a lot…”

Words by Emily Cox and Henry Rathvon

Word Power Answers

9–11 getting there

12–13 impressive 14–15 word-power wizard!

1 transient—C short-lived. “The first-half lead proved transient for Manchester Utd.” Latin transire (go across).

2 vignette—B

short literary sketch or scene. “Dickens created characters from prose vignettes.” Originally a design in the form of vine tendrils around the borders of a book. Old French vigne (vine).

3 bagatelle C something of little value. “My short stories are just personal bagatelles.”

Italian baga (baggage).

4 scintilla B

minute amount. “There’s not a scintilla of evidence.” Latin (spark).

5 myopic—B short-sighted. “Kim’s myopic view of the project surely led to its collapse.” Greek muein (to shut) and ops (eye).

6 irascible C marked by a short temper. “If Jack were any more irascible, he’d have smoke coming out of his ears.”

Latin irasci (grow angry).

7 expeditiously A promptly and efficiently. “An espresso works

Why gamut?

This is a contraction of the medieval Latin words gamma and ut, coined in the 11th century by Guido of Arezzo, the inventor of modern musical notation. Gamma refers to the lowest pitch, and ut refers to the first note of a musical scale (as in do-re-mi do has largely replaced ut). It came to mean the entire spectrum of musical pitches, then the entire spectrum of anything.

expeditiously as a pickme-up.” Latin.

8 tabard A

short-sleeved coat. “My entire Hamlet costume consists of a wooden sword and this tabard.”

Old French tabart.

9 arietta C short melody. “The goldfinch trilled an arietta, reminding us that spring would come soon.” Italian arietta (little aria).

10 niggling A petty. “You’re driving me bonkers with your niggling complaints!” Possibly of Scandinavian origin.

11 aphorism A concise saying. “My father

Play WP online: go to readersdigest.co.uk/ fun-games/competitions/ wordpower

has an aphorism for just about any situation.” Greek aphorismos (definition).

12 staccato C disconnected. “Lucy’s laugh comes in staccato dog barks.” Italian.

13 nib B

point of a pen. “A faulty nib, Beth complained, ruined her first attempt at her drawing project.” German nebbe (beak).

14 exiguous—A inadequate, scanty. “Ever a big eater, Jim found even the classic burger exiguous.” Latin exigere (weigh exactly).

15 truncate C

shorten by lopping off. “She received a truncated version of the email as the file was too big.” Latin truncare (maim). n

Guido of Arezzo

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Steve Punt If I Ruled the World

Steve Punt is a comedian and writer. He made his name in the enormously successful 1990s BBC2 show The Mary Whitehouse Experience and stars in Radio 4’s long-running satirical series The Now Show with his comedy partner Hugh Dennis.

Everyone would have to work directly with the public for at least a week. a lot of politicians appear to have gone from posh school to university and into the political system without ever coming face to face with a wide variety of people. When i was young i had a job in a music store, and it made me realise that people come in all shapes and types. Politicians seem to fear the public, but if they worked with them for a bit—in a shop, say—they’d find out what they’re interested in, what they’re not bothered by and that they’re much more openminded than is assumed. it would make for better policy.

If you buy a car that’s wider than the average parking space, you’d be charged double to park it. Why do people who live in towns have vehicles that are designed to drive up cumbrian fell sides? our local shopping-centre car park in south-west london has pillars and it’s always full of people who’ve bought these cars but are unable to park them straight, so they take all the room. it’s a common suburban niggle!

I’d reclassify tattoos as graffiti. i don’t understand why if you draw all over a wall you get fined, but if you go out with something drawn all over your face… tattoos are always in a particular style. no one ever goes into a tattoo parlour and says, “i’d like something in the style of matisse, please.” it’s always, “can i have a design that looks like something a sixth former doodled on their rough book?”

There’d be a 12-month ban on TV documentary makers using the word “Hitler” in a programme title. Just to see if they would actually go mad, or

illustrated by sam falconer

instead find a few other things to make shows about.

my favourite recent programme was Hitler’s Titanic. that’s two of their three subjects covered right there. if it had been about how they’d found an ancient egyptian mummy on Hitler ’s Titanic, it would have been the perfect tV documentary.

You wouldn’t be allowed to read the same newspaper every day. every few days, Guardian readers would have to read The Telegraph, Sun readers would have to read the Mirror, and Mirror readers would have to take the Mail.

What i worry about is britain getting like america, where if you’re a republican you can watch a republican tV channel, listen to a republican radio station and go to republican websites. you can spend an entire life literally never hearing the other side. it’s the same if you’re a democrat. so the whole system is polarised and in stasis—the two sides simply don’t talk any more. that seems to be dangerous for a democracy.

The over-50s would be forced to play modern video games for an hour. i’ve been amazed by how my generation has fallen into the age-old trap of thinking that because we didn’t grow up with something, it must be terrible and destroying the world as we know it. but as the father of a 14-yearold boy, i’ve learned that graphically and

“ if politicians worked with the public for a bit, they’d find out what they’re interested in”

in terms of the storyline and music, games like Grand Theft Auto are on a par with film as an entertainment form. they’re not brainwashing kids; they’re teaching them reasoning skills, strategy and even a bit of history. my son told me assassin’s creed had taught him that ancient constantinople had a chain to winch up a gate to stop enemy ships. i thought, That’s rubbish, but i looked it up and it was true!

I’d ban politicians from making any comment on films or TV shows they hadn’t watched. the phrase, “i haven’t seen it, but…” would be punishable by three months in prison.

British holidaymakers would only be allowed back into the country if they’d tried at least one food that wasn’t pizza. i used to know a travel courier who worked in Greece and she said that when the brits arrived they’d always come to the tourist office and ask where they could get pizza. i think maybe at Gatwick you should be bloodtested and if there are no traces of paella or souvlaki you should be sent back for an extra week. ■ As told to Simon Hemelryk

Punt & Dennis: Ploughing on Regardless is touring the UK until February 28. For more information, visit rbmcomedy.com.

Reasons to Be Cheerful 39

Inspired by a book, James Brown surprises his staff—and

Last week I was having a cup of tea with Henry Stewart, one of our neighbours in the new road, when he gave me a book he’s published to accompany the courses his business runs. It’s called The Happy Manifesto. On the best of days I tend to latch onto the negative, so this seemed an appropriate present. Then I saw the subtitle, Make Your Organisation a Great Place to Work—Now!

being grumpy that for a joke I once spent a day on a skiing holiday with my girlfriend being totally and utterly positive—real Redcoat stuff. At first she thought I was being sarcastic. Then, after about half an hour of me sounding like Tony Blackburn or Tony the Tiger from the Frosties ad (“That’s grrreat!”), she was waiting for me to stop. A few hours later, she said “Actually it’s really

I’ve been reading the book on the Tube to and from work ever since. It’s pocketsized and nicely broken down into short chapters full of insight into what goes on in companies, how we take all the wrong stuff for granted and how quite minor changes can pay dividends.

If, like me, you run or work for a small business, you can definitely feel the atmosphere depending on the mood of key people. And I’m so well known for

nice you being like this.” Eventually, it did drive her a bit mad because it just wasn’t me—but by then I’d learned something. Being overwhelmingly upbeat and positive can be uplifting.

Henry’s basic argument is that happy companies are more productive, and there are some telling examples along the way: companies that encourage managers to help staff do their jobs rather than boss them about; companies that

Happy Mondays

himself—by turning into an upbeat boss

improved productivity when the managers took a month off; companies where holidays aren’t limited and expenses are to be “spent as if it’s your own money”.

I’m not a big reader of self-help books, but Henry’s has reminded me of something I heard on a management training day many years ago. Because you’re good at the key skill in your line of work you get promoted to be in charge of other

Sometimes, though, it’s easy to think that because I’ve created fun environments in the past, it’s automatically like that now. Sadly, this isn’t the case. After reading in The Happy Manifesto about listening properly to what your staff are saying, I thought back to a recent morning. I’d had hardly any breakfast that day and my number two Owen said he hadn’t either and he’d been up since 6am.

people who do the same thing. Yet you haven’t any experience or training in this new role. I rarely take any time to educate myself as a boss so it’s a welcome read.

It’s fair to say that over the years, I’ve run unorthodox office atmospheres. At Loaded magazine the corporate structure could best be compared to the John Belushi film Animal House, and my staff and I had the time of our lives.

Henry’s book prompted me to think about what that actually meant. Since I promoted him, Owen has been a breath of fresh air and the staff are in of their own volition before 9am every day— which means knocking off earlier and longer lunches. But it occurred to me that many of them, like Owen, might be getting up so early that they’re missing breakfast, not having enough or buying it in expensive London coffee shops.

I explained that the bread was for anyone who’d skipped breakfast at home. They looked stunned

And so, with The Happy Manifesto in my pocket, I headed to the shops and arrived at work with bread, crumpets, muffins, butter, jam, marmalade, a breadboard, knives, plates, breadknife and a four-slice toaster. I chucked the bread in the freezer and explained that it was there for anybody who’d skipped breakfast at home. I also announced that anyone who wants to get anything collective for the fridge can claim the cash back on expenses.

They all looked stunned. By the time I whipped out the Mr Men mugs I’d

bought for everyone, I could see them wondering what on earth was going on. But at the end of the day I caught two of them discussing rearranging the office furniture to make it look “more like a sitting room”, so clearly something is afoot. Now to tell them I’m not coming in for a month! n

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: “We can’t concentrate, why should you?” Follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown

Budding Authors, Take a Bow

This oddly moving tale was one of thousands submitted to our 100-Word Story Competition. We’ll be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month. Look out for the winners of this year’s contest in our May issue.

Submitted by Danielle Allen, Newcastle

Boxed

Jack was always hiding. Truth be told, Jack was sick of this game. He’d been playing it forever. He thought maybe it was time for a change. Hearing clumsy footsteps approach, he got ready to jump out. All he needed to hear was that magic sound. Jack’s ears pricked as the handle turned, the satisfying click alerting him. Springing up as the lid opened, he gave Liam a fright. Liam squealed, just like he always did. As Liam pushed him back down into the box, Jack’s heart sank, his fading dream of escape dying. Their endless game started over again.

Danielle says: “My inspiration for this story came from my childhood fear of inanimate objects springing to life. I wanted to take an everyday household item and give it a character. A child’s toy seemed the perfect way to make something so innocent seem somehow sinister. Much of my inspiration comes from everyday life—I love watching people, and I find myself wondering what I’d do if faced with what I’m putting my characters through.”

Danielle will receive a cheque for £50

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Witnessing some of the most dangerous, harrowing situations in the world and trying to make films about them can get to you. Even if you’re Ross Kemp

‘‘

I’d never rule out seeIng a psychologIst’’

A very strange thing happens in Ross Kemp’s new documentary series Extreme World . The 49-year-old filmmaker is looking for a gangland kingpin in Papua New Guinea when four men come out of the bush with guns. The strange thing is Ross’s reaction. He remains eerily calm, looks the gunmen in the eye and tells them that, no, he’s not getting down on his knees and, no, they aren’t going to kill him. The gunmen eventually decide that they’re dealing with a “warrior” and put their weapons down. ►

by benji wilson

The day before I meet him, Ross watched the film for the first time. “I thought, F*****g hell, Ross, what were you thinking? But with hindsight you go, Well, if you’re going to meet a bunch of people who rob, rape, kill, then you run the risk of it happening to you. The nature of what they do defines who they are, doesn’t it?

“I suppose the ultimate feeling is, I’ve been in worse situations; I’ve had worse things happen.”

It’s hard to imagine what could be worse than having a gun stuck in your

face with the very real possibility that the person holding it might pull the trigger. But for the last nine years, in a series of hard-hitting documentaries covering everything from pirates to teenage Congolese militia to, in the new series, drug addicts in the Brazilian favelas and underclass crime in Las Vegas, Ross has made dire situations his stock in trade. He now has a macabre library of scary moments to reminisce about. So what’s been the scariest?

“I remember being in a bomb-making factory with the al-Quds brigade of [the

Around the world with ross

Just a few of the hot spots Ross has visited

Afghanistan

Brazil

Moscow

Karachi

Jamaica

Venezuela

Palestinian] Islamic Jihad. The sound man bumped into a Katyusha rocket, which hit the next Katyusha rocket, which hit the next—bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing—in a room not bigger than this, where they were making mortars in the sink. If those things had gone off, we’d have all gone to hell. But I wasn’t really worried about that. I was worried about the Israeli drone that was no doubt circling us and had followed us all the way from Erez terminal. I was more worried about the white light [bomb] that was going to drop from the sky.”

Because Barking-born Ross came to public attention as an actor on EastEnders, and because his character Grant Mitchell was a clumping tough guy, it’s tempting to hear his tales of derring-do and scoff just a little. He’s even done some scoffing of his own—in an episode of Ricky Gervais’s Extras, Ross sent up his hard-man persona something rotten, implying he’d been in training with the SAS, the “Super Army Soldiers” as he so memorably put it.

But he’s built up such a body of work, with a Bafta win for Ross Kemp on Gangs to boot, that it’s hard to deny him the title of credible documentary filmmaker, whatever else he is. Watch some of Extreme World and you might also conclude he’s something of a masochist. Yet Ross says that his films are based on sensible risk assessment and experience.

“We’re not a bunch of idiots running around without a compass. Yes, we go off map, that’s the nature of it—it wouldn’t be called Extreme World otherwise. But everything is calculated.”

Ross gives credit to his small, dedicated

“w e’re not A bunch of idiots running A round without A compAss”

team of cameramen and producers for getting him the access.

“I take all the glory, but we’ve all been in a situation where our lives have been endangered—and we’ve all got families [Ross married lawyer Renee O’Brien in 2012, and has a three-year-old son by a previous relationship]. We’re a democracy until it gets to a 50/50 situation. Then it becomes my call because I own the company that makes the films.”

Some of the extremes Ross has gone to seem so purposefully perilous that you ask yourself why he feels compelled to make these documentaries.

“I love travelling. I love the world. I think human beings are fascinating—and there are some things that link us all.”

Doesn’t that worry him? If we’re all the same at heart, that means we can’t dismiss a machete-wielding crackhead as just a wrong ’un. We’re all implicated.

“I’m an optimist. I’m nearly 50 years old, I never thought I would be, and I’ve met some incredibly good people along the way. I’ve met some atrociously wicked human beings, but most of them are victims of their situation or geography. I’m lucky enough to be in a situation where I’m given the time to look in depth at subjects. News reporters ►

photos courtesy of bskyb

just don’t have that time, and most people who work for broadcasters now don’t get that time either.”

Ross is a fidgety presence. You sense he’s just a man with itchy feet who needs to do something. EastEnders, he says, got a little samey.

“For ten years of my life I travelled up the A41, all the way from south London to a place called Elstree Studios, BBC, yeah? There and back. And therefore I was regurgitating, you know, 70 pages of dialogue, which I’d learn either the night before or on the way home—in between lighting changes, sometimes. I went to exactly the same place, for exactly the same set and worked with exactly the same people.”

He’s careful not to do down his old EastEnders colleagues (“Just respects to

them. I have a great fondness for them”), but he wouldn’t swap his life then for his life now.

“Now, there’s total disorder and chaos in my life. I don’t know where I’m going from one year to the next, I don’t know if it’s going to be dangerous, if it’s going to be fun, if it’s going to be uncomfortable. I’m a dreadful time keeper; I used to be a really good one. I love life more than ever. I’ve met varied cultures— evil, good, saintly—and get paid for the pleasure, so I think I’m an incredibly lucky guy, touch wood.”

And then he stands up and actually does touch the wooden panelling of the hotel library, something he does twice in the course of our conversation.

Ross may be upbeat, even with a gun in his face, but he can still be shaken. In one of the new films he looks at child prostitution in India, and is visibly upset, as well as angry, at what he sees.

He prides himself on remaining impartial. “The one thing we try desperately not to do is to be judgemental. I’m a tool for the audience to understand what [a place] feels like, what it smells like, what it tastes like.”

But he’s a father himself and as he says, “It’s hard not to be judgemental when you see children being hurt.”

I ask him if he’s ever felt the need to step in and take action to help the situations he’s documenting. He tells me about making a film about the violence that followed the 2007 Kenyan presidential election. He and his cameraman were on a rubbish dump, surrounded by children addicted to glue. They happened to film a young girl with a glue bottle holding a baby. She dropped the baby on its rex

With second wife Renee O’Brien

In one episode of Extreme World, Ross meets two armed criminals in post-Katrina New Orleans

head, picked it up and when it started screaming she put her own glue bottle in the baby’s mouth to placate it.

“After the film went out, we made an appeal and we raised some money and got most of the kids out of there into education.”

Ross says, though, that of all he’s seen, he’s been most affected by the stints he did on the frontline in Helmand province during Operation Herrick in 2007

“i don’t k now where i’m going from one ye A r to the next”

and 2008, for Ross Kemp in Afghanistan.

“I must have been out there some, I’d say, 15, 14 times, not always on the front line but a majority of the time. I saw the war change from being a face-to-face shoot ’em up to watching boys getting cut in half by these IEDs.”

Experiences like this leave mental scars—post traumatic stress disorder is now recognised and treated by the armed forces. Is he scarred?

“You don’t see people die and not be affected by it. I don’t care who you are. Even if you’re the coldest person on the planet. And we see kids die as well—it’s hard, man. Or you deal with parents whose baby has just been snatched, probably for sexual purposes: how can you not be affected by that?”

He admits he’s considered seeing a psychologist. “I’d never rule that out.

◄ high-ranking officer and has suggested he should “think about” seeing someone.

I don’t think there’s anything weak in going to see somebody to seek help. If it makes your life better, if it makes the lives of the people around you better, then it’s worth doing. I’m a bit like a ship—you collect more barnacles the more you see. I think when I was younger I was a bit more flippant with it mentally. But the older I get…”

He says he has a friend who he met in Afghanistan who went on to become a

“I’m an emotional being anyway, I think, and I wouldn’t pretend not to be. People say, ‘You’re incredibly cool,’ and I’m going, ‘I’m not! I’m panicking, can you not see that?’ I’ve had nightmares. Yeah, of course I have.” n

Ross Kemp: Extreme World is on Sky1 HD.

“And Your Name is…?”



Ever ordered a coffee at Starbucks and been puzzled by the name on the cup when you’ve gone to collect it? The good folk at starbucksspelling.tumblr.com have collected together the most off-the-wall examples, along with the real names:

Bonnie

Bryan

Becky Lara

Delaney

Stacy

Cherie

April

Kat

What’s New in Heart Health?

How the latest discoveries look set to revolutionise the diagnosis, prevention and treatment of cardiac problems

BY ELIZABETH ADLAM

Hig H B lood Pressure

❥ the best scan

High blood pressure—also known as hypertension—affects around a quarter of British adults. Some one in 20 cases is caused by Conn’s syndrome, which leads the adrenal glands to produce too much of the pressure-boosting hormone aldosterone. But there’s new hope for sufferers.

Jeanette Wells (pictured), a special-needs classroom assistant from Halstead, Essex, had suffered from high blood pressure for years. She also got headaches and was often exhausted—symptoms that are linked to Conn’s. So her GP referred her for a test.

Like most patients, Jeanette was sent for adrenal vein sampling, an invasive and uncomfortable process ►

that involves taking blood samples via a catheter inserted into the groin. But—again, like those of most patients— Jeanette’s results were unclear.

“Adrenal veins are just a millimetre in diameter, so you get the right blood sample [sufficient to examine aldosterone levels] only one time in four,” says Morris Brown, professor of clinical pharmacology at Cambridge University.

Happily for Jeanette, though, Professor Brown’s research team had been working

on a new scan that detects Conn’s with the help of metomidate: a close chemical relative of anaesthetic drugs that homes in on the adrenal glands. “It really works a treat,” says Brown. “It only takes half an hour, there’s no pain and you get an immediate answer.”

Jeanette was invited to try the new test and it quickly identified her Conn’s and its cause—a benign nodule on an adrenal gland. The tumour was removed at Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Cambridge and, overnight, Jeanette came off the drugs she’d been taking for years.

“I was so lucky,” she says. “I feel a different person now.”

The scan equipment is very expensive and is currently available only in Cambridge, although some NHS hospitals may refer patients there.

Hypertension can be managed with medication—but not in all cases. Between seven and 17 per cent of people don’t respond to treatment and are therefore at risk of coronary heart disease (CHD). But there are good grounds for optimism here too.

Bristol University scientists believe the carotid bodies—two currant-sized organs on the carotid arteries in the neck—may be to blame for untreatable high blood pressure. The bodies are usually active only at high altitude or when you hold your breath, to help you cope with low oxygen levels. But for reasons that aren’t clear, it seems they may also switch on nervous activity to constrict blood vessels and keep blood pressure high at other times. The Bristol team have found that removing carotid bodies in rodents reduces blood pressure significantly, and a follow-up study on humans is under way.

“Nobody has ever looked at the carotid bodies [like this],” says the study’s leader Professor Julian Paton, research fellow in physiology. “We’re only taking one body of two out, so we’re not eliminating the patient’s ability to respond to low oxygen.”

new hope: Morris brown and his team

genes

❥ now we know

The British Heart Foundation’s Family Heart Study is an analysis of the genes of 2,000 UK families with at least two members who have had heart disease by 65. Begun in the 1990s, it continues to make new discoveries.

“We’ve now found 46 common genetic variants that can increase risk of CHD by ten to 30 per cent,” says Nilesh Samani, professor of cardiology at the University of Leicester. The surprise is that most don’t increase such known risk factors as blood pressure and LDL—or “bad”—cholesterol.

“There are many other mechanisms we hadn’t suspected at all, and understanding these will improve our ability to predict heart disease and, more importantly, lead to new ways of treating it.”

Other breakthroughs

include the first UK trials— led by Dr Alexander Lyon at Royal Brompton Hospital, London—of a gene therapy for people with heart failure. The aim is to combat what happens when one gene is turned off, causing abnormalities in the calcium in heart cells and reducing the pumping power. The treatment delivers the gene into the nucleus of heart cells.

Better genetic knowhow and testing is also improving the outlook for the estimated 120,000

Britons with familial hypercholesterolaemia (FH), where cholesterol is too high from birth. This inherited condition can cause fatal heart attacks if undetected. Yet until now, only around 15 per cent of cases have been identified. But diagnosis is becoming cheaper, faster and more accurate.

Suzanne Shepherd, a paralegal from Cardiff, lost her steel-worker father to a heart attack at 41. But, unlike him, Suzanne—now 41 herself—had her FH diagnosed, in trial testing at Cardiff University Hospital. She’s now managing it with statins and other drugs.

“My seven-year-old son, Cameron [with Suzanne, above], will be tested when he’s ten,” she says. “If he has FH, he can start treatment and will be sure of a normal lifespan.”

The test is now being rolled out across Britain. ►

“We’ve now found 46 genetic variants that can increase the risk of heart disease by ten to 30 per cent”

Nilesh sama N i

cHolesterol

❥ a real turn-off

One of the three genes that cause familial hypercholesterolaemia (FH) is called PCSK9. Its effect is to create too much of a protein that destroys the receptors which remove LDL cholesterol from the blood. Thanks to this understanding, a new drug has now been developed that stops PCSK9 working, lowering bad cholesterol.

“The amazing thing is it reduces cholesterol in both FH patients and those without the condition,” says Steve Humphries (right), professor of cardiovascular genetics at University College London. “It’ll be very useful for patients who can’t tolerate statins.” Long-term studies of 30,000 high-risk patients will finish in 2018—and “then we’ll know if it also lowers the rate of heart attacks”.

❥ the power of statIns

Work on current mainstay cholesterollowering drugs hasn’t stood still either. Barbara Casadei (below), professor of cardiovascular medicine at Oxford

“This is one of the first drugs in the cardiovascular world to have come directly from our new understanding of the genetic code,” says Professor Peter Weissberg, medical director of the British Heart Foundation. “It’s a prime example of a gene quickly tracked down and understood, followed by the phenomenally fast development of a new drug.”

University, has led a trial of 2,000 patients—which will report its full findings in August—to test whether statins have beneficial effects that go beyond cholesterol reduction.

“We already know statins have mild antiinflammatory and antioxidant effects,” she says. “The idea here is to see if a short course of the drugs, given just before or just after coronary bypass surgery, will protect heart muscle and reduce the risk of atrial fibrillation [an irregular and often very fast heartbeat].”

breakthrough:

Dr Marc Dweck with a patient and (below) examining the scan

❥ lIGhtInG up

In hospItal Scientists have come up with a new way of predicting heart attacks. And they discovered it by accident.

“We were doing a PET-CT scan for a quite different heart condition on a patient who happened to have had a heart attack five or six days earlier,” says Dr Marc Dweck, clinical lecturer at Edinburgh University. “We suddenly noticed that the exact spot in his coronary arteries where the fatty deposit had ruptured— causing the attack—was lighting up on the screen.

“People with angina are often given a calcium

score—a useful marker of how many fatty deposits you have [a build-up causes the condition]—but you don’t know if they were formed last week or years ago. Our test shows which deposits are inflamed now. We got very excited because cardiologists around the world have long been looking for a way to identify those at risk of rupture.”

Dweck and his

colleagues studied a group of patients who’d suffered heart attacks. In well over 90 per cent of cases, the exact area that had ruptured lit up. They then scanned a group of people with several heart-disease risk factors—a third had areas in their arteries that lit up too.

Development of the test continues. “Our aim is to identify these areas before a heart attack, so we can intervene,” says Dweck.

surgery

❥ throu G h the keyhole

“We can now fix a hole in the heart through a tiny incision, rather than a big cut in the chest,” says Gianni Angelini (right), professor of cardiac surgery at Bristol Heart Institute and Imperial College London.

“The surgeon makes a small incision under the right breast between the ribs and the patient is attached to a heart–lung machine. Long instruments are used to perform the surgery because there isn’t even enough space to put a finger into

what you are doing using an endoscopic camera. It takes three to four hours.”

In autumn 2010, Hester Garvey (below), a 56-yearold teacher from Queen’s Park, London, had chest pains at work. She was rushed to hospital, where doctors picked up an irregular heartbeat. Further tests revealed a congenital hole in her heart. “They told me that if I didn’t get the hole closed, I could be dead before I was 60,” she says.

Hester prepared herself for open-heart surgery—but instead she became one of the first people ever to benefit from the minimally invasive technique, at London’s Hammersmith Hospital.

“There’s almost nothing in the way of scarring,” she says today. “Nobody can tell; it’s fabulous.”

Angelini and his team are now using the same technique to repair heart valves, and it’s also available at Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital.

“There’s almost nothing in the way of scarring. Nobody can tell. It’s fabulous”

hester garvey

stem cells

❥ MenDInG broken hearts

“We’re doing a lot of work on stem cells too,” says Professor Angelini. One project, nearing human trials, should benefit patients whose angina is unresponsive to other treatment. Cells called pericytes, which are taken from leg veins left over from bypass surgery, have angiogenic properties—ie, they can generate new blood vessels. The idea is to extract small numbers of them, turn them into billions in the laboratory,

then inject them into the heart to generate new vessels and cure the angina.

For babies born with heart defects and needing a valve or artery replacement, stem-cell treatment may also remove the need to operate repeatedly as the child grows.

“At birth, we select a cell from the umbilical cord and deposit it on an inert piece of tube so that it becomes, say, an artery, then use it to correct the defect,” Angelini explains. “The idea

female diagnosis

❥ why woMen nee D a bIt of sensItIvIty

It’s hard to believe, but only around one in eight women who’ve had a heart attack are correctly diagnosed in UK A&E departments —compared with one in four men.

Part of the problem is a perception that heart disease is more common in males, so doctors are more inclined to suspect an attack. But it’s also that the standard diagnostic test measures levels of troponin, the protein released from the heart during injury—and women often don’t release enough of it for it to be detected.

is that, being made from cells from the baby, it should grow as he or she grows.”

In the mean time, the Bristol team are developing the idea using piglets, because they grow particularly quickly.

But researchers at the University of Edinburgh have developed a much more sensitive test. It can measure very small concentrations of troponin and it increases correct diagnosis of female heart-attack sufferers to the same level as for men. The British Heart Foundation is funding a major trial to test the viability of introducing the test into clinical practice. It started in December in ten Scottish hospitals. n

With thanks to the British Heart Foundation (bhf.org.uk) February is National Heart Month

Bestof British Statu

They commemorate the great and the good all over our cities, yet we often pass them without a second glance. Here are a few of our favourite figures that are worth craning your neck for

By LoLa Borg

trafalgar square, London

This is one of the most famous statues in the world (it even has its own music-hall song—“I Live in Trafalgar Square” by Morny Cash). But visitors to London are probably better acquainted with the location—pigeon-strewn Trafalgar Square, home to four bronze lions and a controversial fourth plinth—than the statue itself.

Admiral Horatio Nelson, who stood a mere 5ft 2ins tall, towers above the square at 169 feet, on top of Nelson’s Column, so no one ever gets a really good look at him. But the sandstone statue shows the man in full regalia, right hand missing and facing the Admiralty, where he lay overnight after being delivered by funeral barge from Greenwich. Nelson’s body now rests in St Paul’s Cathedral, preserved in the same brandy used to carry him home on the Victory. He died in 1805 at the Battle of Trafalgar, but Nelson’s Column was completed in 1843 at a cost of £47,000—hefty for the day. With pollution and contributions from feathered locals, keeping the statue pristine is a thankless and ongoing task.

es

Nelson’s Column, topped with e h

Baily’s statue. had hitler won the war he would have moved it to Berlin

Sir FranciS Drake

Plymouth hoe, Devon

Every inch the image of the jaunty buccaneer, Sir Francis Drake, the man known as El Draque (the dragon) to the Spanish, stands on a tall plinth overlooking Plymouth Hoe with the city centre behind. With sword to hand and positioned alongside a globe, we’re left in no doubt of Drake’s job—circumnavigator of the globe. He was the first English sea captain to do so, from 1577 to 1580, and was knighted a year later. But in spite of all his exploits, he came to a tawdry end, dying of dysentery in Panama.

This statue, erected in 1885, was originally meant to be much larger, but the funds couldn’t be raised. All the same, it’s still a magnificent depiction by the Hungarian sculptor Joseph Edgar Boehm, the same man who famously sculpted the head of Queen Victoria for her Jubilee coin. And although there’s another statue of Drake in his home town of Tavistock, Devon, it’s fitting that there’s one here too—legend has it that this is where Drake insisted on finishing his game of bowls before demolishing the Spanish Armada in 1588.

Queen Victoria

City hall, Belfast

Probably simply because of the length of her reign (over 63 years), Queen Victoria is far and away the most familiar royal face in stone. There are dozens of statues around the country, including one of her on horseback outside St George’s Hall, Liverpool, and another of her in Saxon dress at the Royal Burial Ground in Windsor.

Many cities erected a statue in honour of a fleeting royal visit, and this marble depiction by Sir Thomas Brock is typical of the genre, with Victoria looking suitably idealised and regal. It was unveiled by Edward VII on his first royal visit. (Belfast had been awarded City status by Victoria in 1888). The story goes that he looked back at his mother’s statue as he was leaving and declared, “Couldn’t be better!”

There are now plans to erect a statue to George Best in the same vicinity. Victoria really wouldn’t have been amused by that.

Bring me sunshine: Graham ibbeson’s homage to eric Morecambe. his other comic casts include Laurel and hardy in Ulverston, Cumbria, and a planned statue of Benny hill in southampton

eric Moreca Mbe

Morecambe, Lancashire

It’s fitting that this statue is in Morecambe Bay, as the comedian took his stage name from his home town—his real name, John Eric Bartholomew, admittedly didn’t have the same ring. His likeness can be found on the promenade overlooking the sea (he was in the merchant navy), cast in his classic “skip” pose and wearing binoculars (he was an avid bird-watcher).

Morecambe—the man—had the ability to make even the Queen laugh, and photos

of her smiling as she unveiled this statue in July 1999 made headlines around the world. Partly funded by Lottery cash, his likeness is larger than life-size; below it are engraved the 103 names of starry guests (including André Previn, of course) who appeared on the show in which he starred with his partner Ernie Wise. On any given day, you’ll see visitors queuing to have their photo taken next to it. For fans of the duo, there’s also a statue to Ernie in Leeds, but it looks absolutely nothing like him.

PeoPle like uS

Mermaid Quay, Cardiff

In recognition of all those who moved to Wales during the late 1800s, this bronze statue of a couple and their Great Dane depicts not one person but an entire immigrant community—the woman, obviously of Caribbean origin, is reaching out to sea. It’s located on the boardwalk in Cardiff Bay (known as Tiger Bay), a tough and dangerous place fuelled by the South Wales coal industry. Local waters were treacherous to sailors and the thriving commercial harbour was a ruthless test of endurance for foreign labourers. By the 1950s there were some 57 nationalities and 50 languages in the Tiger Bay area, making it a true melting pot.

“The woman reflects the diverse cultural and ethnic mix of the docks and, in his boots and overalls, the man is a reminder of the once world-famous, busy port,” said the Welsh sculptor John Clinch. The dog was added “for children to admire”.

eMMeline Pa nkhur St

Westminster, London

A recent survey reveals that some 85 per cent of statues depict famous men. (Even our most high-profile animal likeness in stone, Greyfriar’s Bobby in Edinburgh, is male.) So it’s only fitting to celebrate this bronze representation of Emmeline Pankhurst, a striking figure in a fur-trimmed coat at the entrance to Victoria Tower Gardens—in the shadow of the Parliament she fought so hard to gain admission to.

The statue celebrates her “courageous leadership” as a militant suffragette at the turn of the 20th century, and was erected just two years after her death in 1928 (fittingly on International Women’s Day), a decade after women finally achieved the vote. The same sculptor, Arthur George Walker, also made the statue of Florence Nightingale for the Crimean War memorial in nearby Waterloo Place. ►

Duke oF Wellington

royal exchange square, Glasgow Most equestrian statues go unnoticed, but not this one. Crafted by Italian sculptor Carlo Marochetti and voted by Lonely Planet as one of the “top ten most bizarre monuments on earth”, it even has its own Facebook page. Situated outside the Gallery of Modern Art, this representation of Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington (who defeated Napoleon at Waterloo), has achieved notoriety for the tradition—starting some time in the 1980s— of local drinkers climbing up the plinth and placing

a traffic cone on Wellington’s head (and on that of his horse Copenhagen too).

It’s often the fate of public statues to be ridiculed, but Glasgow Council took a very dim view of the malarkey. Last year, they planned to raise the plinth to stamp out the tradition, but they hadn’t banked on a ferocious socialmedia campaign to defeat them. As one protester put it: “The cone on Wellington’s head is an iconic part of Glasgow’s heritage, and means far more to the people of Glasgow and to visitors than Wellington himself ever has.”

John lennon

the Cavern Pub, Matthew street, Liverpool

The Beatles singer—or rather a slightly podgy version by sculptor Dave Webster—is immortalised leaning nonchalantly against the outside wall of The Cavern Pub in Liverpool. It’s as fitting a place as any to commemorate Lennon; his legendary band played here at least 300 times. But although the head has been remodelled three times to resemble a better likeness of his 1963 self, it still doesn’t really look like him.

brian clough

Junction of King and Queen street, Nottingham

Unlike the Victorians, we haven’t been so quick to erect statues of the great and the good. But thanks to rabid supporters—and maybe the cash available to the FA—we do get a fair number of footballing heroes. The statue fund for legendary Nottingham Forest manager Brian Clough, for example, managed to raise over £70,000 from fans within 18 months, with Hampshire-based sculptor Les Johnson winning the commission. More than 5,000 fans gathered to see his widow Barbara unveil “Old Big ’Ead” (as he was known) in 2008.

There are other statues of Liverpool’s most famous son all over the city, including at the airport (a later-version Lennon with round specs) and on the waterfront, but this one is the magnet, especially with overseas tourists. It’s his birthday (October 9) and the anniversary of his death (December 8) that really draw the crowds—fans leave flowers, light candles and gather round the statue to sing. More often than not, the lyrics to “Imagine” can be heard echoing around the vicinity. n

Other recently erected football statues include Bobby Moore outside Wembley, Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford (as well as the famous 1960s forward line of Charlton, Best and Law), and footballer Sir Stanley Matthews in Stoke-on-Trent. It’s just a matter of time for Beckham. n

Thanks to: Jo Darke, author, The Monument Guide To England and Wales.

Additional research by Jenny Tucker.

Do you have a favourite British statue we haven’t mentioned here? Or is there someone who you think deserves to be cast in bronze? Send us an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditor@ readersdigest.co.uk.

A Life Less Ordinary

Tracy Cooper has battled life-threatening illness for years—but what she really cares about is her mad menagerie of animals

survival instinct

by crispin andrews photographed by barry marsden

Sitting in the vet’s waiting room, Tracy Cooper was worried sick about her Rottweiler Kia. Two hours earlier, at her cottage in Ardleigh, Essex, she’d called her rescue dogs in for their night-time feed. The husky, the five Cavalier King Charles spaniels, the retriever and the other Rottweiler bounded up, as usual. But Kia just sat there, licking her stomach.

Kia had only been with Tracy a few weeks. A woman from Luton had had to get rid of Kia—seven young children and six Rottweilers were, she’d discovered, too much ►

to handle. Tracy took two dogs. Kia had been spayed the previous day, but the stitches had somehow come away and the dog’s insides were hanging out like a cow’s udder. “I don’t know how long she’d been like that,” Tracy remembers.

“i realised time with loved ones was more important than cash”

The 48-year-old had set up her pet-rescue service in 2001. Since then, Tracy has taken in thousands of unwanted pets from all over the country—looking after between ten and 100 at any one time. She finds most of them new homes, but some, like Kia, she keeps.

“No one wants a six-year-old Rottweiler; they only live until they’re about ten,” Tracy says. Kia also had a habit of going psycho whenever she heard a bike or a wheelbarrow—a cyclist rode over her leg when she was a puppy.

The emergency vet bandaged Kia and gave her anti-inflammatories, but there was no chance of survival. Tracy wouldn’t accept that, though, and the next day persuaded another vet to operate. Kia survived, vindicating Tracy’s persistence. But this was just the latest example of her refusal to give up on seemingly lost causes in a lifetime of care for vulnerable animals—and personal survival.

At 27, Tracy had been diagnosed with breast cancer and given 12 months to live. Two operations on her right breast followed, along with six months of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and group therapy. She had the BRCA1 gene mutation that suppresses the ability to repair damaged DNA and produce tumour-fighting

proteins. But despite what three doctors told her, Tracy pulled through.

“I had a two-week-old baby, Poppy, and a four-year-old son, Ben,” she says. “No way was I leaving.”

But someone left—Tracy’s husband. Thinking his wife would die and not wanting to be alone with two young children, he ran off. “There was no discussion, no arguments; he just went without even telling me, and never came back,” Tracy says. “Ten years later, I found out he was in America. I was heartbroken; he was the love of my life.”

And while Tracy struggled to come to terms with her loss, four years later, the cancer came back. Another operation and more therapy followed.

It was in her cancer support-group meetings that Tracy first had the idea of working with animals. Other sufferers would ask her what she wanted to do with whatever time she had left. Tracy didn’t know at first. Just spend time with

friends and family, she supposed. But then she remembered that she’d always loved animals, having grown up with red setters and cats.

Working full time as an administrator at financiers Merrill Lynch and battling cancer, Tracy didn’t follow her dream in the nine years that followed. But she became tired of City life—chasing money and dealing with shallow people. The final straw came when her boyfriend Sean Hicks and her best friend Mo Chbani were caught up in the World Trade Centre attacks on 9/11. They’d survived, but Tracy didn’t find out for some while after. “I realised that time with loved ones was more important than cash,” she recalls.

Later that year, she took voluntary redundancy when Merrill Lynch relocated to Dublin. Soon after, she set up her first pet-rescue centre in the back garden of the house she rented in Epping. To help fund it, she also opened a boarding house for small pets. ►

As well as tortoises and geese, the guests at Tracy’s petrescue centre have included water-dragon lizards, alpacas, chinchillas, a miniature horse and a Nile monitor lizard!

“There were plenty of kennels and catteries,” she says. “This was somewhere people could bring their rabbits, hamsters, gerbils and ferrets when they went on holiday.”

After two years, Tracy moved with her animals to another rented site near Theydon Garnon, Essex. Two years ago, with the help of her parents, who own a property-development company, she bought her cottage in Ardleigh, with an acre of land and no close neighbours to complain about the noise.

For Tracy, there’s nothing better than caring for an unwanted pet, seeing it survive and rehoming it somewhere people will love and nurture it. The animals— which are referred to her by the police, the RSPCA and other rescue centres, or just dumped on her doorstep—come from all over the country.

And they’re not just cats, dogs and

rabbits. She’s taken in ten water-dragon lizards that were left in a shoebox, and five alpacas that hadn’t been sheared for five years. She’s had a miniature horse from Harpenden, two chinchillas from Chelmsford, a tortoise from Scotland and a peacock from the botanical gardens in Birmingham. Two years ago, someone threw a Nile monitor lizard over her fence. “They’re carnivorous, bite like buggers, and although this one was young and only a foot long, they can grow to eight feet,” she says.

Tracy scooped it up in a net, put it in a cage and, a few days later, sent it to the dangerous wild animals rescue facility in Wakering, near Southend.

For most of the last decade or so, Tracy has spent all day, every day caring for her animals. She also works with other rescues around the country, each of which specialises in certain creatures. Tracy specialises in poultry and parrots. “I wait

Tracy gets help from a group of animal-mad volunteers (from left) Brydie, Lauren and Michaela. Right: Merlin the parrot, who’d plucked off half his feathers

until I get a few ferrets, rabbits or lizards and then take them to a particular centre,” she says. “When another place gets some parrots or chickens, they bring them to me.”

Most owners, Tracy finds, either can’t afford to keep their pets or are moving on and can’t take them with them. But sometimes she gets an animal that’s been abused and abandoned. Two and a half years ago, Tracy took in a King Charles spaniel, referred to her by a breeder in Southend. Purdy would throw herself on her back and urinate all over herself as soon as someone approached her. It was submissive behaviour—the breeder revealed that the dog had been sexually abused by her previous owner. The man’s relationship had ended and he’d decided

sometimes tracy gets an animal that’s been abused and abandoned

to victimise his former lover’s beloved pet. He’d even filled Purdy’s water bowl with holes, so the dog couldn’t get a drink.

“There was talk of prosecution, but nothing happened,” Tracy says.

When she first let Purdy out, the dog ran off and hid in the bushes. It took hours to find her.

“There was no chance of rehoming her,” Tracy says. “She was desperate to be loved, but no one wants a dog who behaves like that.”

But with Tracy’s care and attention, Purdy gradually regained some confidence. Although she has some way to go, she’s no longer so submissive and doesn’t flinch when Tracy tries to stroke her.

Tracy doesn’t rehome her rescue parrots either. Not unless there’s a zoo or a specialist project that can take them. A parrot cage costs up to £600 and the birds need a very specific but wide-ranging diet, taking in crumpets, cheese, bacon, Braeburn apples, even fish pie.

Merlin, an African grey parrot Tracy took in five years ago, had pecked off half his feathers. Parrots do this if they have fleas or allergies, but Merlin was just bored. Such birds, Tracy explains, are intelligent animals that live in flocks in the wild. Merlin’s owner loved his pet, but he was away with work a lot, leaving the animal on his own in a cage. “Parrots need stimulation, toys or to forage for food in their cage,” Tracy says.

At first, Merlin bit Tracy if she tried to pet him, or even give him food. OK, she thought, I’ll feed, water and clean

you and leave you to it. But over the next six months the parrot came round, and Tracy put a plastic collar on his neck to stop him plucking his feathers out.

Tracy has nine parrots at the moment. More come for boarding from time to time. The singer Marc Almond brings in his African grey, Jake—who’s been known to blast out a few bars of “Tainted Love”.

Merlin, who’s much happier now he has some company, isn’t quite up to that, but he can manage a quick “I’m loving it” from the McDonald’s advert.

Life with her animals and—for the last 18 months—her new partner Colin Wood was pretty good for Tracy. But if you have the BRCA1 gene mutation you’re never completely clear of cancer. On the morning of May 2012, Tracy felt a lump in her breast. The disease was back.

Tracy had a double mastectomy that June, and complications meant she had to go back in for another operation in July. For three months she was bedridden and couldn’t use her arms. It took her six months to get mobile.

Colin combined night shifts at Sainsbury’s with looking after the animals, as Tracy spent her days and nights in bed or lying on the sofa. But the mental effects of her condition hit her hard.

“I didn’t think I could go through this all over again, not at my age,” she says. “I wasn’t as strong as I used to be.”

Somehow, the animals seemed to know

Tracy wasn’t well. “They drew back, became less demanding,” she adds.

Tracy still goes to chemotherapy every Friday. People tell her she’s tough, but she cries a lot, particularly in the mornings. “I get it out of my system, then get up, because I have to let the dogs out and feed the parrots,” she says. “If I’m too poorly first thing, I get up in the afternoon. Wander around in my pyjamas if I have to.”

Just recently, a woman from Crawley turned up with two baby terrapins in a tin. The week before, Tracy rescued two pet ducks with clipped wings, standing in the middle of the road. Two of her spaniels have recently had puppies, and a few days ago the police phoned her in the middle of the night.

“There’s a pig tied up on the A137,” they told her. “Can you come and get it?”

Then there are Tracy’s own animals. Kia the Rottweiler always comes over when Tracy goes outside. “I stroke her face, wipe the crusty bits off her eyes and she trundles off a happy dog,” Tracy says.

Merlin, meanwhile, puts his beak in Tracy’s hands these days, and even regurgitates for her. Parrots only do this to provide food for one of their chicks. “If anyone else tries to change Merlin’s water, he lunges at them.

“There are too many animals to look after, too many people who need a new home for their pets,” Tracy says. “They rely on me. I’m not going to die yet.” n

 A pub near us called “The Hangman’s Inn” has recently closed. Above the door to the bar was a sign saying, “Licensed to sell wine, spirits and cigarettes.” The property has been bought by a chain of funeral directors and is being refurbished—the sign currently reads “spirits”. Thanks to Jan Hugo from Guernsey for sending this in

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The man who fell Through earTh

When Mark Mihal set out to play golf, he didn’t expect that it would be him rather than the ball that ended up in a hole on the 14th

by derek burnett

It was a good day for Mark Mihal. Early March, the first Friday with decent enough weather for golf, and the 43-yearold mortgage banker and his partner Mike Peters were easily beating their regular opponents Ed Magaletta and Hank Martinez.

Mark and Mike had both outdriven the other pair on the 14th hole of the Annbriar golf course in Waterloo, Illinois. Each landed the ball nicely on the fairway, leaving Ed and Hank at the edge of the woods trying to clear a bunker. But while Mark was waiting for Mike to hit his second shot, he noticed a shallow, bathtub-size depression in the grass of the fairway. It was out of place on the well-kept course, and looked as if it would be tricky to play out of.

I wonder what kind of stance you could get in there, Mark thought. He walked over and stepped into the de pression to find out. Then he vanished.

foot, he swung his left arm back, futilely trying to grab some solid ground. He felt a blast of pain in his shoulder as his body punched down through the grass. His mind flashed to the news story only a week earlier, about a Florida man swallowed by a sinkhole and never found. He then fell into blackness below.

Seconds later, he was sprawled on a muddy mound. His shoulder throbbed, making it hard for him to breathe. About 12 feet above him, he could see daylight through the slot his body had made in the grass. But around him was complete blackness. He screamed, “I need help! I can’t get out!”

“This is not a prank. Somebody just fell into a hole on the 14th fairway”

The elements had begun laying their trap for Mark millennia before, when acidic rainwater started dissolving the limestone bedrock 30 feet under the topsoil. Eventually, an underground pit had formed, topped by a clay arch covered with only a flimsy layer of turf: a small but highly effective booby trap. And it was just Mark’s luck to step right into it.

As the ground gave way under his

When Mark fell, Mike heard a yelp. He whirled round and saw Mark was gone. The little depression that he’d pointed out a moment earlier was now torn open. Mike rushed over and peered in. He could barely make out Mark’s body. “Ed!” he shouted. “There’s a hole here!

Mark’s underground! Call for help!”

Ed grabbed his phone and rang the clubhouse. “This is not a prank,” he said.

“Somebody just fell into a sinkhole on the 14th fairway. We need a rope, a ladder and an ambulance.”

Ed joined Hank and Mike around the hole. They had no idea how deep it might be or how stable the ground was, so they lay down on the fairway and spread themselves out, as if trying to rescue someone

“You’re supposed to sink the ball!”

who’d fallen through ice. Ed pulled a small torch out of his pocket and pointed it down the hole. All he could see of Mark was a bit of white T-shirt.

“Are you all right, Mark?”

“No, I’m not. My shoulder’s broken. I can’t move.”

Ed knew Mark wasn’t exaggerating: years earlier, he’d broken his own shoulder while skiing, and it had been so excruciating that he’d lain in the snow unable to move a muscle until the rescuers had immobilised the joint. There was

no way Mark would be coming out of that hole on his own.

Of all the people to be stuck in a dark hole, it would have to be Mark. He was claustrophobic, with symptoms bad enough for him to make nervous jokes when he drove under a low bridge in a golf cart. So he felt great relief when his friends enlarged the gap overhead, letting in more daylight. Although chunks of mud and dirt rained down on him as they dug, he could now see the entire cave-like hole. It was smooth and hard at its edges, rounded at the bottom—where it was about 12 feet across—and narrower at the top. He was perched on a six-foot mound of mud and debris that had fallen with him.

“Mark, we’ve got a ladder. Look out.” One of the course’s owners, William Nobbe, and his son Russ had arrived with a 12-foot ladder and a rope.

The men stuck the lower half of the ladder into the hole, probed around for a moment and then pulled it back out. It was too short to reach the bottom. The only place to put it was on top of the mud pile Mark had landed on.

“Mark, slide along a little so we can set the ladder where you are.”

Mark gritted his teeth and eased his body across the muddy slope. The ►

Clockwise from top: Hank, Ed and Russ Nobbe call to their friend

WHen tHe ground really does open up beloW your Feet...

▲ SaN FR aNCiSCo, CaliFoRNia , 1995

A broken sewer pipe caused this hole, which swallowed one mansion and forced the evacuation of several others

others positioned the ladder on the highest part of the mound and placed its upper end flush with the edge of the hole. Mark made an effort to climb it, but had scaled only one rung before he collapsed in agony.

Up above, Ed Magaletta was thinking. He didn’t know much about sinkholes, but it seemed to him that more of this one could give way at any time, possibly swallowing his friend for ever. And Mark still had no chance of climbing out until his arm was immobilised.

▲ SaN DiEgo, CaliFoRNia , 1998 This whopper—800 feet long, 40 feet wide, 70 feet deep—was the result of a burst drainage pipe. It opened up right across the main road from southern California to Las Vegas

► PiCHER , okl aHoma, 2008 Years of lead and zinc mining had destabilised the ground beneath the town, leading to the appearance of a particularly spectacular sinkhole

“I’m going down,” Ed said.

“We’ve already got one man down there. I don’t want to lose two of you,” said William Nobbe.

“Hey!” Mark called up. “If you’re going to be talking about losing people, step away from the hole.”

Ed climbed down the ladder and shone his torch around the cave. At its bottom was a crack four feet long and four inches wide. Any debris disturbed above sifted down into the crack and disappeared silently into whatever abyss lay beneath. If the sinkhole was like an hourglass, Ed

▲ guatE mala Cit Y, 2010

A three-storey building stood here until heavy rains from Tropical Storm Agatha triggered what looks like the portal to hell in a science-fiction film

and Mark were probably in its upper chamber—and they weren’t standing on bedrock at all, but on a fragile clay bridge.

“Your acromioclavicular joint is dislocated,” said Ed, who’d done a medical course, as he fashioned a sling from his jacket for Mark’s arm. “And there are possible fractures.”

Mark rolled his eyes. He was grateful that his friend would enter a sinkhole to save him, but did he have to enjoy it so much? Also, Ed’s ministrations were just about killing him.

Once the sling was in place, though, the shoulder felt better. Mark reached around with his right hand and felt a void on his back where the bone should have been. “Where’s my shoulder?” he said.

“It’s probably right below your latissimus dorsi muscle. I can see the humerus sticking out. Looks like it’s gone over the scapula and under the muscle. The good news is, there’s a pulse in your hand, so I don’t have to reset it into the socket.”

Ed wrapped the rope twice around Mark’s waist and once between his legs, then knotted it at his chest so that he’d ►

sinkHoles: tHe eartHsHaking Facts

DaCHEgNqiao, CHiNa, 2010

How are they formed?

Rainfall seeping through soil reacts with decaying vegetation to create acidic water that moves through cracks slowly dissolving bedrock—a process that takes thousands of years. The cracks then grow, creating underground caverns. When their “ceilings” can’t support the earth above them any more, they collapse and a natural sinkhole is formed. Activities such as mining and drilling can also trigger man-made sinkholes.

What about Britain?

In 2010 a 25-foot crater opened up under a patio in Grays, Essex. “It was like an earthquake,” said the homeowner Ben Luck. “There was a rumbling and we both ran out to look, and this monstrous hole was there in a second. There wasn’t a bit of dust, and there was no sign of the crazy paving—it had all disappeared in the hole.” The hole was caused after water penetrated chalk 80 feet down, causing tons of soil above it to shift.

have something to hold on to with his right hand.

While he was working, the torch shone on the sinister-looking crack beneath them. Its width had nearly doubled in the few minutes Ed had been down there.

“We’ve got to move,” shouted Ed.

With Hank and Mike pulling from above, Russ Nobbe steadying the ladder, and Ed pushing from below, Mark fought his way, one rung at a time, to the surface. The last part was the hardest and most painful as he wriggled free of the hole with his broken shoulder.

Then it was Ed’s turn. He shot up “like a jackrabbit coming out of a hole”, as one of his friends put it.

An ambulance was waiting at the clubhouse as Mike and Mark pulled up in the golf cart. In hospital, Mark learned that his shoulder was separated and fractured in two places. His biceps tendon was also torn.

The Annbriar Golf Course blocked off the sinkhole with fencing and, using heavy equipment, excavated the area. What lay on the other side of the ugly crack was indeed another chamber. If that crack had given way, says Randall Orndorff of the US Geological Service, both men would probably have been buried beneath the muddy contents of the mound that Mark had landed on.

A few weeks after the accident, Mark took his friends out to dinner. Sitting there with his arm bound up in a sling, he toasted his pals, well aware that not everybody would climb down into a sinkhole to pull someone out.

“I have good friends,” he says. “I’m glad they were there.” n

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enter our family photo competition anD win £500!

What does family mean to you in Britain in 2014? Could you capture it in a photograph? If so, our great new competition is for you! All you have to do is take a compelling picture that sums up your sense of family life. We’re looking for unusual approaches, so don’t restrict yourself to portraits of mum, dad and the kids. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days, so use your imagination. The winning entries will be published in a future issue, and on page 77, we have some practical tips from one of the judges. But first, to get your creative juices flowing, renowned photographer George Lange gives us his thoughts on what makes a great picture.

“an unforgettable photograph isn’t the most technically proficient or artistic” family photo competition

everything connects

My camera has taken me all over the world, but, much more than that, it has taken me into myself and allowed me to share what I’m feeling. I was lucky to have a childhood filled with love, friendship and community, and from the beginning, I wanted to capture that joy in photography. Most important is the process of listening, seeing, touching—and appreciating all the beauty and passion in our everyday lives.

If I had to pick one word to describe the things I shoot, it would be connections. I’m interested in the connections among all the people in my life: grandparents, teachers, children, strangers. Finding new ways to see these connections is, I believe, finding new ways to live them.

In the end, an unforgettable photograph isn’t the most technically proficient or artistic. It’s the one that makes the deepest, most intimate connection to the moment, so that the viewer feels it. ►

catc H I n G t H e ca sual

I was at a wedding in the park. It started to rain, and this girl was running. I shot her coming and going, but this instant when she turned reveals her delight. It helps to have a camera that can shoot several frames a second!

I was in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania during the spring magnolia explosion. No one was around, so I laid my son down on a stranger’s property. Trespassing with a camera is generally not a problem—especially with a baby! At worst, people are curious

D o I n G t H e unex pecte D

This photo was part of a series I shot to promote the TV show Cake Boss. It was fun to do!

You can try something like this with a willing friend posing against a dark wall. Flour doesn’t have to be your medium. You could try leaves, confetti or tempera paint powder

from The Unfor ge TTable

PhoT ogra P h

© 2013 by

g eorge l ange

an D s c ott

m owbray, (£11.99)

c reat I n G my stery

This picture is of my wife Stephie and a wonderful clawfoot bath and our time together on a holiday. But for anyone who wasn’t there, it’s a mystery.

Is the person in the tub relaxing? Naked? Alive? Stories like this happen all the time. It depends on feeling and seeing the moment ►

family photo competition

c H oos I n G ou r w I nner s

the competition will be judged by the rd team and award-winning photographer barry Marsden (below).

barry’s work has appeared in Reader’s Digest and many other publications and can also be seen at London’s National Portrait gallery. Here are a few of his tips on how to take great pictures.

loo K F or t H e r IG H t a n G les

Think more imaginatively about where you shoot your pictures from. They don’t all have to be shot looking straight at a subject from your eye level. Look down on your subjects from higher up; get down on the floor to shoot kids—or even to shoot upwards.

D on ’ t s ay c H ee se

Try to capture an unguarded moment; you don’t always want your subjects forcing cheesy smiles and posing for the camera.

Photograph people when they’re asleep or engrossed in something else so they’re not aware of you. If you’re shooting kids, put a funny programme on the TV or get someone off-camera who can engage with them and make them laugh or concentrate. Then shoot slightly from the side so they don’t notice you. That should give you some nice natural expressions.

t HI n K l I GH t

Look hard at the light before you shoot. Bring people into the best light rather than just picture them where they happen to be. My recommendation is to turn your flash off when indoors and use lovely soft window light. Heavily flashlit photos always look the same and kill any atmosphere the room light might provide. However, I’d also recommend that you set your flash to be permanently on when shooting in bright sunshine because the slight amount of flash produced should open up some of the dark shadows the sun casts on your subject’s face— particularly useful when shooting within, say, two metres. This technique is called fill-in-flash.

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Jayne Torvill ‘‘I remember...’’

…i didn’t realise i was an only child. I was far from alone. Several of my aunts lived on our council estate [in Nottingham], so I had ever so many young cousins floating around. On my birthday everyone came over, and at Easter I used to get a whole cupboard-full of eggs.

…my parents had to work hard. My dad George went off early in the mornings to work for Raleigh Bicycles.

Mum [Betty] gave me my tea then left for a late shift as a machinist. Dad was home by then, so I had the evenings with him, but by the time Mum got in at 10pm, I’d usually be in bed. Friday nights were special though: Mum got home a bit earlier and I was allowed to stay up. She always brought me a chocolate bar.

…pesterinG my parents to Go to ice cUBs. When I was almost nine [in 1966], my teacher started taking some of us to the local ice rink after school on a Friday. By the second visit, I was hooked. The skating coach maybe saw something in me and said, “Why don’t you ask your parents if you can join Ice Cubs [a skating group]?” So I kept on and on at them and they let me go. This meant I was skating Friday evenings and Saturday mornings, which was really exciting. I loved it.

Then I wanted my own private lessons —hard for my parents as they didn’t have loads of money. But when they saw I really did want to do it and was trying hard, they paid for one lesson a week. The rest was me practising what I’d learned in the lesson…I somehow managed to fit in three two-hour sessions a week, before and after school—that’s how keen I was.

“Look

“I managed to fit in three two-hour sessions a week, before and after school”

at me balance”: Jayne’s first skating test—her mum made the dress; (left) with her dad on the beach in Cornwall, aged three

…always askinG For the white Boots. My feet were too small to fit most of the ones for hire at the rink—which were brown—until the man behind the counter produced these special white ones. Later, my parents bought me my own pair, second-hand at first.

…strUGGlinG at school. By the time I was at a grammar in Clifton, Bristol, I was taking part in competitions with a skating partner [Michael Hutchinson]. I had to take time off school to go to them —it was no good pretending I was off sick because the national championships were on TV. But for the first two or three years I did really well in class anyway, so the teachers were happy.

Then, around 14, my skating partnership broke up and I had to go back to the solo stuff. I started not to do so well at school and didn’t click with some of the teachers. I felt my skating wasn’t going anywhere and I just found it all a bit overwhelming. I only passed two O levels—art and English language. So I left school at 16 and took a

job with an insurance company, although I didn’t have maths O level. I’m not that bad at adding up—I just didn’t study for it.

…teaminG Up with christopher dean aGed 17. He’d started skating at the same ice rink in Nottingham when he was about ten. At that point, my partner and I were supposedly the top skaters in the rink, so Chris, a year younger than me, looked up to us. He skated with a partner— a friend of mine—for quite a few years. But she went off to London to skate with another boy and his coach suggested we try out together. It felt a bit weird…like I was stealing her partner, even though she was the one who’d gone off.

We tried out together at 6am. It was always worth the effort to start early to have space on the rink and not have lots of people staring at us—we’re both quite reserved. I think from the first moment we thought we wanted to be partners, but we didn’t dare say it in case we jinxed it. I’d felt wrong skating alone, but I suddenly felt skating could be perfect again.

Jayne learned some moves at her school’s Scottish Dancing Group; (right) winning a local skating competition in Nottingham, aged ten

…BeinG told to start thinkinG For oUrselVes By oUr coach. One day we arrived for a lesson without bringing any music. She sent us off the ice and told us not to come back until we’d chosen something. We had to go to a record shop. It was difficult because everything was vinyl and some shops were very funny about letting you listen to things before buying. We didn’t have enough money to get records that weren’t going to work for us, so we had to be very careful. But that sort of exercise meant we got to know each other better. One of the first pieces we skated to together was “Fever”—the instrumental version.

…chris, the police cadet. Though we took it very seriously, skating was still a hobby for us. We were both

“From the first moment we wanted to be partners”

working nine-to-five, me in insurance and Chris in the police. We trained on Monday and Thursday mornings. Then our coach said we needed to skate every day—the repetition was important. This was a wake-up call…realising the total dedication required if we were really serious. So we worked out a schedule: mornings, after work, Friday evening—there wasn’t a lot of time for other friendships. What was lovely, though, was that my colleagues were very supportive and took a great interest, especially when we started entering competitions.

…BecominG Very aware oF my Body—in a Good way. We gave up our jobs in 1980 to train at a top centre near Munich. [They were sponsored by Nottingham City Council]. We lived in what was like a boarding school, training for up to six hours a day. The food was very calorie-controlled. Although we always had puddings, they were mainly yogurts—no cakes and sweets. But I took great pride in keeping my body in top form. It gave me confidence and helped to protect against slips and falls.

A perfect match: Jayne with Christopher Dean in 1979 ►

…my lUcky socks. Oh God, I was so superstitious! I always wore the same earrings and socks to competitions. I also had a little Winnie the Pooh mascot. Chris always placed his skate guards in the identical position.

…BOLÉRO. By 1984, we’d qualified for the Winter Olympics in Sarajevo, but we needed a backing track. We’d always gone for pieces from the musicals, but it started and ended with a fast section, with a slow bit in the middle, and we wanted to get away from that. Courtney Jones, one of our British judges who also designed our costumes, said, “What about starting with something slow that builds to a crescendo, like Boléro?” We’d used it for warming up. Suddenly, we were sure: this was it.

The problem was that Boléro runs for about 16 minutes and we had just four for our free dance. We were allowed to overrun by ten seconds, but our arranger

Nobody move! Boléro’s timing meant they couldn’t start skating for 18 seconds; (inset) Their coach Betty Callaway looks on as the sixes mount up

could only get the music down to four minutes 20. However, they don’t start the stopwatch until your blade touches the ice, so that’s why we were kneeling for the first 18 seconds of the routine!

…a sneak preView. On the morning of the free-dance final, we were allotted a 45-minute slot at 6am to practise in the arena. None of our other team members took it up; they wanted to sleep in to be fresh. But Chris and I went through the whole routine from beginning to end, in what we thought was an empty hall. At the end, we heard clapping. We looked up into the high seats—it was the cleaners. They’d stopped work to watch!

…From BeinG known in the skatinG world to the whole world. Though the media exposure was very different from today—there were no Hello! and OK! magazines—we

still felt the attention. I can’t imagine what it must be like for young athletes now. We were very conscious of trying to keep focused.

But we turned professional soon after. It was great to be able to earn money from our skating!

…my hUsBand came with oUr soUnd eQUipment. We were on tour in the US in the late 1980s and the sound company we rented our stuff from supplied an engineer to make sure it was put up properly. Phil [Christensen] and I stayed in touch, and not long after that he came over to Britain to do a tour with Phil Collins. It kind of went from there. Because he met me in the skating situation, he’s always understood this amazing relationship I have with Chris. It’s hard if you’re on the outside of all that.

…too many teddies. I’d collected hundreds over the years—they’d be thrown onto the ice or given to me. I gave them to James House, a local charity for terminally ill children. It was later absorbed by Demelza Hospice, of which I’m now patron.

We have two children—Kieran, 11, and Jessica, seven. As they’ve got older they’ve realised what mummy does—and did—and they’re quietly proud of me. They would be into skating, but we live in East Sussex, about an hour and a half from the nearest rink. Jessica likes her gymnastics, though.

…a phone call oUt oF the BlUe From itV in 2004. They were offering me and Chris Dancing on Ice [the pair had retired from all skating in 1998, after making a comeback in 1994, winning bronze at the Winter Olympics in Norway] At first we thought, Mmm, not sure. It’s a lot easier to teach someone to dance because they can walk in the first place. But we thought, It’s going to be a long process to get them to stand up on ice and learn to skate. However, we learned how to make it more efficient. When it finishes, we’ll go out with a bang. But no more retiring. ■ As told to Elizabeth Adlam

Torvill and Dean will celebrate the 30th anniversary of their Boléro performance on Dancing on Ice this month. Jayne is an ambassador for Cal-in+ yogurt drink.

 Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop. The winner of last year’s Diagram Prize for the oddest book title (it has the subtitle “and other practical advice in our campaign against the fairy kingdom”). Past winners include Bombproof Your Horse, Living With Crazy Buttocks and Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way.

Jayne, husband Phil and daughter Jessica; (below) reunited with Chris on Dancing on Ice

Sealed with a Kıss

Even—or especially—in these days of texts and emails, there’s nothing like a proper love letter. So here’s some help for any men planning to risk one this Valentine’s Day

by tom c hiarella

A long time ago, one hot afternoon, I wrote my first love letter. Thinking that I was full up with the very thought of her, I drew a pretty cool heart on a piece of newsprint, rolled that into a manual typewriter, and then tapped out about 15 sentences. I took more than an hour.

I had to: in those far-off days before wordprocessing I couldn’t edit as I went along. It worked too. The woman was happy.

►

illustrated by marcos chin

So happy that she stuck the letter on the door of her fridge, where it joined a magnet-laden collage of birthday cards, Easter cards and thinking-of-you cards.

This irked me. “It’s a love letter,” I told her. “It’s only for you. You’re supposed to save it. It’s supposed to be folded up in a book somewhere.” She didn’t get it. She treated it like a card.

When it comes to writing a love letter, remember: it’s not a card. It’s a letter...

First, sit. Letters take time. Letters have a rhythm. Letters must be written, and writing takes a while. Three lines can’t do the work of three paragraphs. This is not to say your letter must be long. Three paragraphs can do the work of three pages. Just give them some time.

Be loyal to the past you share. If your love emerged on a kayak trip, then you don’t just mention that experience—you recreate it. Tell a story that only the two of you know. Or narrate a moment when she was unaware that you were watching her. Use detail to show what you remember and that you remember.

Let the example precede the sentiment. A good love letter declares itself plainly, then illustrates particularly. “I saw you watching the men play chess in the park. So quiet. I love the way you look at things.”

Show her what you love in her before you tell her what you love in her.

In your worDs Heart to Heart

We asked readers to share the first line of the best love letter they’ve ever received. Here are some of the most memorable:

Seeing you takes my breath away.

Sue Coleman

You know I know I love you. Don’t tell anybody.

Giovanna Hinojosa Lopez

There’s something new and different in the way I feel with you.

Melissa Buck

A cup of tea with you is worth a thousand dinners!

Abida Jabeen

I love you without knowing how or when, or from where. I love you because I know no other way.

Tins Matienzo Antonio

Can you match these? Send your favourite romantic first lines to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk



Don’t repeat yourself. Emotional declarations matter more if you space them out a bit. Even in a short letter, you must create room. With love, there’s value in scarcity. That’s why it feels like such a jackpot.

Most important of all, remember the letter is private. Say something that surprises you about yourself. Let her know that she’s redefining your terms. In this way, a love letter is like love itself. There must be risk. n

Fish oils: which one to choose?

With so many different types of fish oil supplements available, it’s important to select one that’s right for you. Here, GP and nutritionist Dr Sarah Brewer looks at the options:

OMEGA 3 FISH OILS: Undoubtedly the most popular type of fish-oil supplement, the oils in these products are usually extracted from oily fish such as salmon or herrings. They offer the richest source of the essential fatty acids EPA and DHA. When choosing omega 3 it’s important to look for products that have been filtered to remove marine pollutants and nasties to ensure optimum purity.

TRY IT FOR YOURSELF

COD LIVER OIL: It contains around three times less EPA and DHA essential fatty acids when compared to pure omega 3 fish oil, but it can be concentrated during processing to increase its strength. Cod liver oil is popular because it also contains vitamins A and D for additional health benefits.

Until the end of February 2014 only, Healthspan is offering all Reader’s Digest readers a free pack of omega 3 fish oil worth £6.95 with any order. Simply phone 0800 73 123 77 and quote RDAXJA or enter the code online at healthspan. co.uk

VEGETARIAN

KRILL OIL: Extracted from a shrimp-like Antarctic crustacean, this is a rich source of EPA and DHA, but also contains two powerful antioxidants: astaxanthin and canthaxanthin, which give it an attractive red colour. These pigments are derived from the algae on which krill feed, and are the same pigments that give flamingos their attractive pink plumage. The combination of omega 3s plus antioxidants make krill a popular “super supplement”.

SOURCES: Both flaxseed and algae oil are available for those who want, or need, to avoid fish. Algae oil is rich in DHA while flaxseed is full of ALA, which our bodies convert in to EPA, so you may be best to take both. healthspan.co.uk

To celebrate this month’s Random Acts of Kindness Week, we present two very different tales of generosity and compassion

The Kindness of sTrangers and of friends

You just don’t think that a house fire will happen to people you know. But at the end of last summer my parents’ house in Tunstall—my childhood home—went up in flames.

It was a bit of a crazy time for me anyway, because I’d broken both my wrists in a gym accident. But listening to my dad tell me the news immediately put things in perspective. My wrists would get better; my mum and dad had lost everything.

Several months on, we’re still trying to find out exactly what happened, but my parents John and Carole were out when more than half the house was burned to the ground. What’s left might need to be pulled down and most of the stuff that wasn’t actually destroyed is so smoke-damaged that it’ll have to be thrown away.

My parents were both teachers and not the kind of people to fill their house with expensive TVs and three-piece suites, so most of their possessions were memories—including photos and the tracksuit that dad was given when he carried the Olympic torch. But the thing that really upset me and my sisters [Jen’s twin Katy and their younger sister Sally] was that he’d lost his music collection.

When anyone thinks of my dad, the first thing they think about is his music. He’s not one of those trainspotting obsessives who listen only to “cool” bands. He just likes music; any music. Even when I was into Boyzone, he didn’t mind!

I remember the house being full ►

photographed by marc burden

Jen hAcKing, 27, evenTs mAnAgeR, TunsTAll, noRTh YoRKshiRe

Jen: “The fact that hundreds of people have bothered to do this for my dad is just incredible”

The page that launched a thousand CDs: Jen’s appeal on Tumblr

about what had happened. I just said, “Look, if you’ve got a couple of old CDs that you’re going to throw out, is there any chance my dad could have them?”

Within a few days, the whole thing seemed to go crazy. News of what had happened spread by word of mouth and across social media, and I was getting messages from friends I’d not spoken to in years. I also heard from dad’s mates and even from people neither of us had ever met. When I went back to work, colleagues started bringing in CDs for me. Random packages arrived from all over the country—we offered to pay postage, but not one person would take it. A guy got in touch from Arizona wanting to send something because he’d been taught by my dad for two weeks as an exchange student 15 years ago.

So when my sisters and I were thinking about something we could do to help after the fire, we immediately thought about his music. We couldn’t get the old photos back, but we could replace his CDs and records.

Because I was stuck at home waiting for my wrists to heal, I decided to start a little page about my dad on the blogging site Tumblr. I then told a few people on Facebook

The world is full of people happy to do something for someone

There were collections at local schools, the HMV shop offered to help—and so did the bloke on the market stall where dad bought a lot of his music. I had friends of friends saying, “Here’s a limited edition set of Nirvana singles. I never play them. Give them to your dad.” A person on eBay who was selling 1,100 LPs just happened to hear about dad from a friend of his—and donated them all.

We just couldn’t believe it. I expected 100 CDs if we were an album for every occasion. Once the car got broken into and he was more upset that his cassettes had been nicked than about all the rest of the damage.

lucky, but his new collection would now run into the thousands!

People get loads of emails asking for help with such-and-such cause, but something about dad’s story seemed to really resonate. Perhaps it’s because it’s music— everybody loves music and everyone’s got a couple of CDs they never play. It’s quite a small thing, I suppose, but the fact that hundreds of people bothered to do this for my dad was just incredible.

On Christmas Day, we covered the door to one of my parents’ rooms in wrapping paper and pictures of the people who’d sent in items. Then we gave Dad a pair of scissors to cut through the paper. Inside, all the records, tapes and CDs were stacked up. He was stunned and didn’t say much—he called it his Andy Murray moment—but he spent the next week reading the messages and sorting through the LPs. A lot of them came from his former pupils and he was touched to realise what an effect he’d had on their lives. Eventually, he told us, “What you did was amazing. What could’ve been a bad Christmas has been a very good one.”

I’m fairly positive by nature but I do occasionally get upset by some of the stories I read in the papers about Broken Britain and all that. What I’ve seen over the past few months has made me realise that the media doesn’t tell the whole story. Look around, and you’ll see that this world is full of people who are happy to do something for somebody. They don’t offer their kindness because they have to, or because they feel they should. They do it simply because they want to help.

Jen’s blog about her dad is at: cdsforlifenotjustforxmas.tumblr.com

JAne mcKenzie, 43, midWife, london

I was in a relationship for 12 years. We’d bought a house together and had a baby boy. It was the life I’d always wanted. Sadly, a few years ago, that life came to a halt. Our son was almost 18 months old and we were struggling. For more than a year we tried to make it work, but, in the end, I gave my partner a getout clause and he got out.

I knew the relationship was dead and I knew that splitting up was the best thing for all of us, but it still came as a terrible shock. And the hardest part for me was facing up to the fact that I probably wasn’t going to have any more kids. I wasn’t mourning the loss of the person I’d shared my life with. I was mourning the loss of the life I thought I had.

On a day–to–day level, I kept things going—I needed to do that for my son— but inside I was sinking. Depression? Probably. For the best part of a year, I would cry myself to sleep at night. If I went out with friends, it was as if I wasn’t really there. I was living a sort of woozy half-existence.

photographed by chris george

Our son stayed with me and we kept the house. While it was wonderful for him to have a home, it became a symbol of everything I’d lost. Obviously, I did all the usual things, such as redecorating and getting new carpets—I even spent three months looking for a new duvet cover! But the house was full of my ex-partner’s stuff and, more importantly, it was full of baby clothes: things that reminded me of who I’d been. I was holding onto the past and I just couldn’t let go.

As luck would have it, a friend of mine, Jo, was between flats and came to live with me for a few months. Not only did this keep me vaguely social, but it also

allowed her to see what a state I’d got in, with me talking constantly about my ex.

Then suddenly, on the Easter Sunday almost a year after the break-up, Jo and another friend Gaynor walked into the living room and said, “It’s time for a change.”

I knew what was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier. I just curled into a ball in the corner and cried. The first thing they did was gather all my ex-partner’s stuff into a box. Next, they made me ring him and tell him it had to be collected “right this minute!”.

He came and we argued a bit while Jo and Gaynor went upstairs to tackle the baby clothes. When he’d gone, I had

Jane today: “I was holding onto the past and just couldn’t let go”

photographed by chris george

to stay downstairs; I couldn’t watch them do it. I remember Gaynor saying, “Jane, if you have more kids, those kids will deserve new clothes.” And she was right. All those old things were wrapped up with my pain.

Finally, they went through the rest of the house. Anything that drew me to the past went into a black bag. I was bawling my eyes out. “Not that sweater! I bought that when we were on holiday in Florence in 1998!” They allowed me to keep a small box of stuff—my favourite baby clothes—but the rest was binned.

That day wouldn’t have been possible without Jo and Gaynor

time; probably a year or more. There were days I felt a failure— why couldn’t I make it work? But bit by bit, almost without me noticing, I was changing.

And then, one seemingly ordinary weekend I went for a Japanese meal in north London with a friend. “Jane,” said my friend as we finished, “you haven’t talked about him once. I think you’re over it.” I rushed home and tried a few tests. I dug out anything that might remind me of the past and… it didn’t make me cry.

When other friends first heard what Jo and gaynor had done, they had a go at them: “How could you do such a horrible thing?” But they were being cruel to be kind. That’s a cliché, yet in this case, it was true. Yes, I cried while they did it, but I wasn’t crying for the sweater or the scruffy old babygrow. I was crying for me. I had to let go of the old me.

The change didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t wake the next morning and think, Wow, this is great! It took a long, long

That day felt like a victory, but it was a day that wouldn’t even have been possible without Jo and Gaynor. They gave me my life back. n

Both interviews by Danny Scott

Random Acts of Kindness Week runs from February 10–16 (randomactsofkindness.org).

What’s the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Tell us about it at readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk.

 Death isn’t necessarily the end—and in some cases it can really boost your career. Here are the top-earning dead celebrities of last year, according to forbes.com:

Michael Jackson £100m Mainly through music royalties and two Cirque du Soleil shows.

Elvis Presley £35m Graceland remains a huge tourist draw, as does his back catalogue.

Charles M Schulz £20m His Peanuts cartoon reaches millions of readers in 21 languages.

Elizabeth Taylor £15m Auctions of her jewellery and art raised a fortune.

Bob Marley £11m His image is used to sell everything from drinks to lifestyle products.

‘‘iT’s TiME fOr THE QUEEn TO abDicaTE’’

Her reign has been long and mostly glorious. But, says Christopher Lee, with the inevitabilities of old age approaching, it’s better for Elizabeth to go now

Popes now do It. Dutch and Belgian sovereigns have long done it. But the Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland? Perish the thought, especially as the “it” in question is abdication. But what if the thought is imperishable? Is abdication really such a terrible business? Edward VIII gave up the throne for the woman he loved. Could Elizabeth II abdicate for the monarchy she loves? On the face of it the answer is no, because she doesn’t have to. But, after the triumph of her Jubilee and with her opinion-poll rating still showing a perfect ten, there’s nevertheless good reason for thinking that abdication is not such a fantasy exit. No one knows the date of their going—but 88, as the Queen will soon be, is a good age. By the standards of her 20th-century predecessors, in fact, it’s a very good one. Edward VII died at 68, George V at 70 and her father, George VI, at 56. Without being morbid, ill health comes upon most at that age. But with a monarch, the constitutional implications are serious. THinking

Certainly the Queen looks in good fettle, but the tummy bugs that kept her at rest on occasions last year can be debilitating affairs and the Queen feels her age. Strongly put, the end may not be at hand, but it can be seen from here.

◄ There would then be a case, at the very least, for a regency, when the heir is the de facto monarch—as happened when the Prince of Wales, later George IV, became Prince Regent in 1811. But why wait for that upset? Why not think of going before such a difficult point is reached?

At the opening of Parliament last May, Prince Charles sat enthroned to her right in the House of Lords. Here was a clear symbol that without actual abdication of power, the Queen was handing over some duties.

Similarly, last autumn the Queen had Prince Charles go on tour to the Indian subcontinent in her place. The trip continued into the diplomatic hornet’s nest of Sri Lanka where the prince, instead of the Queen, opened the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting in Colombo. He also attended Nelson Mandela’s funeral on behalf of the Crown.

far bETTEr TO HavE a DignifiED abDicaTiOn anD a cOrOnaTiOn wiTHOUT saDnEss

And another milestone is approaching that could result in the Queen’s abdication. For more than six decades, her most loyal subject has been

Prince Philip. Should the Duke of Edinburgh predecease the Queen, that might be a moment for her to prepare to relinquish the crown. The mourning done, she could abdicate to make her own going amid sad personal circumstances less of a burden for her people.

The next stage would be for the Queen to find it all too much. She could even become stricken with the common indignity that afflicts so many of her elderly subjects: a loss of mental assurance.

Intellectual agility and diplomatic awareness in the monarch have never been so important in such troubled global and domestic times. Exercising sound judgement is a sovereign’s duty. If weakening health makes that an imperfect talent, the time would quickly come when all powers, including signatures of royal assent, were handed to Prince Charles.

Is the time right? Yes, it is. Prince Charles has served his apprenticeship. He will be a far better king than many of his detractors would have us believe. There is a certain majestic jolliness about him that will not intrude on his duty or dignity. In short, Charles will be popular once the situation has been settled.

Far better, then, to have a dignified abdication and a coronation without sadness for what has gone before. “The Queen is dead, long live the King” has no triumphant ring, in spite of the literary sentiment. Weeds and mourning don’t give a nation hope. Handing over the throne by means of a state coach

rather than a funeral gun carriage would provide a perfect constitutional and ceremonial moment that the Queen and her people would find uplifting. Moreover, abdication would strengthen the monarchy, which, despite the popularity of the monarch herself, is in need of new impetus at a time when the major British institutions of which the Queen is head—particularly the Church of England and Parliament—are wobbling. The debates about the House of Lords and the 1701 Act of Settlement, which established the Protestant nature of the British Crown, continue. The future of the 1707

Do you think the Queen should step down?

Join the debate at facebook.com/ readersdigestuk or email readersletters@ readersdigest. co.uk

Act of Union between England and Scotland will be decided, at least in some way, in the next year. This is a hard constitutional path to tread as it will lead to a debate about the future of the last great British institution: the monarchy itself. But an abdication could well give that debate an added dignity.

And there’d be a people’s bonus too: the British would enjoy Elizabeth even more as the Queen Mother. n

Christopher Lee is an author, historian and royal expert. His new book Monarchy, Past, Present…and Future? (£20) is out now.

My dear old mammy

 Anyone with Irish relatives will be nodding their head in recognition at @irishmammies, a Twitter feed that affectionately and accurately captures the tone of the nation’s matriarchs:

“We. Were. Very. Lucky. To get parking. FIERCE lucky.”

“How do we have FIVE sets of lights, inthenameagod? And NONE of them working.”

“This coat’ll see me out.”

“You’ll turn your nose up at that, but you’ll be able for the ice cream and jelly alright I’d say.”

“I’m warning ye...I’ll turn this car right round and we’ll go. Straight. Home.”

“Ah, you poor thing...I’m sure they didn’t mean to...Will we get chocolate buttons? Would you like that?”

“There’ll be no one let stay up for the Toy Show if ye don’t stop messing. Now get into yere pyjamas while the ads are on.”

“And WHERE, may I ask, is she going to sleep?...She is not. I’ll pull out the sofa and you can sleep on that.”

“Ah, would you LOOK at him in his little uniform...the

DOTE!...Aren’t you the big, strong boy going to school? Ahh, and the little pencil case…”

“...and I’m the bigger eejit for believing you!”

how to… by linda gray

1,001 Things

EvEryonE should know

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

how to propose

It’s traditionally an intimate moment shared by two people. But proposing is increasingly a public affair, as men declare their love in front of flash mobs, in the middle of a football match or even live on TV. And while they’re popping the question, the one that flashes through the minds of many onlookers is, What were they thinking?

Fast Fix grow snowdrops overnight

Not always of the bride-to-be, that’s for sure. “A proposal should be a surprise, not a shock,” believes proposal planner Sam Sheppard, who says that failing to personalise the proposal is the most common mistake men make. “What he thinks is cool may not be her thing at all,” says Sheppard, pointing to the number of failed proposals at sports grounds.

Of course, it’s natural that men (and it

The woods are thick with the first flowers of spring, which makes it all the more maddening when they fail to bloom in the garden. As the bulbs are notoriously tricky, snowdrops are often best planted “in the green”, while still in leaf. But they’ll also thrive if planted when in flower, says Gardeners’ World, with the

is men—one recent study found that only 3% of people thought women should propose) want to make the occasion memorable. But by trying to impress, they may also be trying to pressurise her into saying yes, and it doesn’t always work. A safer strategy is to set up a treasure

hunt, says Sheppard, who suggests laying a trail of romantic gestures (think flowers and favourite photos) culminating in a proposal. It’s caring, thoughtful and, importantly, shows that men have made an effort, because a half-hearted proposal is worse than none at all.

advantage that you can admire them from day one.

Buy snowdrops in pots or lift them from a neighbour’s garden (not the wild), taking care not to harm the roots. Snowdrops love company, so plant them in bunches of half a dozen or so, around 12cm deep. Then water as needed and enjoy the show!

how to stay saFe on a bike

Shooting through a red light is an obvious no-no, but riding in the gutter also puts cyclists at risk. If that’s not what you were told in cycling proficiency, your skills may need updating— especially if you believe these discredited myths.

✖ Cyclists should keep left. Wrong. “The best place to see and be seen is usually in the centre of the lane,” says Greg Woodford, senior training officer at cycling charity CTC. Trouble is, no one’s told drivers, who may not like being stuck behind a bike. But don’t be intimidated.

The only time it’s safe to ride on the left is in fast traffic, and even then cyclists should stay three feet away from the kerb.

✖ Cycle lanes are the best place to ride. Cyclists are more likely to be knocked over in bike lanes than on the road, says Woodford. A line of paint can’t protect you, so ride on the outside edge and stop six feet ahead of HGVs to avoid their blind spots. If you’re boxed in by one, get off the road.

✖ never ride on pavements. The shared-use sign means cycling on paths is permitted, though pedestrians take priority. Look

out for it in parks, on towpaths and on rural A roads—the most dangerous place to cycle.

✖ Bikes should have a front and back light. Fit two front and rear in case the batteries run out, says Woodford, and don’t forget that high-vis vest.

✖ Cars give way to cyclists in helmets. In fact, motorists give helmeted riders less space. While it’s important to wear one (they reduce the risk of death by 16%), it may also help to look more vulnerable. Time to ditch the Lycra and dig out the cycle clips, perhaps?

QI bought a new Tv for Christmas but forgot to fill in the guarantee. Can I still claim if it goes wrong?

ADon’t worry about that 12 months’ warranty.

In fact, you have six years to take action (five in Scotland) and, no, that’s not a misprint. Far from giving extra protection, some guarantees try to limit these rights, says the Office of Fair Trading, so forgetting it could be the best thing to do.

As ignorance of the law is widespread, making a claim isn’t always easy. Retailers can be less than cooperative, so if they stonewall write to head office (Google “sale of goods act + letter” for a template) enclosing proof of purchase. Resist any attempt to make you pay to return the goods or to get in touch with the manufacturer—your contract is with the seller.

Complaints must be reasonable, so there’s no point in returning a toaster in 2019, and you can’t expect a full refund on a TV after years of use. Another hitch is that, if a product is over six months old, you may have to pay for an expert opinion before the company will act. Just ask a member of the relevant trade association for a quote; it’s often less than a repairer’s call-out charge and is repaid if you win.

The best guarantee is a store with a reputation for great service. Next time you’re spending serious money, check out the shop’s customer reviews—if they give it the thumbs down, go elsewhere. ►

how to Figure it out

The size of the average mortgage is £113,000, according to the Council of Mortgage Lenders, which accounts for a hefty chunk of personal debt, now at a record high. Even more unnerving is the fact that one in three mortgages is interest only, and according to the Financial Conduct Authority, over a million of these loans may never be paid off. Repossessions have dipped, but they’re still 60% higher than in 2006, evidence that mortgage debt is hurting in the long term. Add these cases to those frozen out of the mortgage market and you can see why the number of homeowners has fallen for the first time since 1918.

The good news for anyone struggling to pay a mortgage is that house prices rose by an average of 3.8% last year, saving many from negative equity. Only those in the north-east, the one area where property is worth less, are still chewing their nails. If interest rates stay low—and it’s a big if—borrowers may just about be able to repay a loan almost five times the size of the average wage. Let’s hope it’s some consolation that, judging by past performance, their prime asset should have quadrupled in value by 2039.

what your reFuse collector won’t tell you

● what good is a greasy pizza box? If it’s not clean it can’t be recycled, so wipe it out first. The same goes for tins and bottles— if they’re filthy, the whole lot may be sent for landfill.

● rubbish can poison children. Toxic landfill has been linked to birth defects in babies born nearby, so please don’t hide dead batteries, paint cans and bust electrical goods in the bin. If you need to get rid of hazardous waste, the council may remove it for free.

● I’m a loader, not a bin inspector. I don’t check what’s inside, so I’ve no idea what you’re throwing away. But because councils pay three times more to dispose of landfill than they earn by recycling it, they may run a waste audit and fine you if you break the rules.

● Bin that cheap wrapping paper. Only classy stuff printed on white paper can be recycled, because the refuse plant uses optical scanners for sorting. While you’re at it, fish out shredded paper, cling film and foil from the recycling before they get tangled in the works.

● If you don’t want to pay to get rid of junk, try leaving it in the drive with a “please take” note—you’ll be surprised at how

much disappears. And I didn’t tell you this but, in my job, scrap metal is a perk.

● you don’t look like a fly-tipper, but if you use an unlicensed operator to get rid of your old sofa, you could be.

● I can tell you’ve just moved in. You put plastic bottles in the recycling instead of glass, forget the slop bucket and don’t know that our green bin is for landfill, not garden waste. Sorry, but every council has its own system and a different number of bins.

traced by the car registration on your receipt.

● keep dirty nappies at home. I find them stuffed into street bins or sneaked into next door’s. If your own bin is overflowing, contact the council, which might give you another one or pay you to use washables.

● I’ll empty bins crawling with maggots. But I can’t touch them if the lid’s ajar or the bin’s too far from the kerb.

Just be thankful you don’t live in Newcastle under Lyme, where there’s nine.

● you love a burger. McDonald’s is the most frequently littered brand, according to Keep Britain Tidy. But watch out, because it’s cleaning up its act. Expect to be fined if you toss the empty bag after buying a Big Mac at a drive-thru, because you can be

● I should get danger money. The accident rate for my job is higher than on farms or building sites. As if that isn’t enough, I’m also abused by householders who want me to take extra bags and motorists who get violent when stuck behind the refuse truck.

● let me help you with that bin.

If you live alone and are too frail to push your bin to the gate, ask the council for an assisted collection.

● I promise I won’t dump your recycling. It all goes to a Materials Recovery Centre to be processed. But up to 10% is contaminated and ends up in landfill, and who knows what happens to the 12 million tons a year that’s sent abroad?

ANTHONY HATLEY/ALAMY

how to eat healthily

Everyone approves of healthy eating, but few of us follow through, according to the Government’s latest statistics. On a positive note, we’re eating about the right amount of protein in meat, fish, eggs and beans. We’re also reducing our intake of salt, though there’s still some way to go. But despite slashing calories by a third since the 1970s, obesity—and the illnesses it brings—is soaring. So how can we put things right?

1. Fill up on bread and potatoes. Most of us could do with eating almost twice as many starchy carbs (preferably brown) to boost energy and digestion.

2. Put a fruit bowl on the table. It’s an easy way to bump up the amount of fruit and veg we eat, which averages 2.9 servings instead of the suggested five a day.

3. save crisps and cake for weekends. We currently put away almost three times the recommended amount of high-fat, high-sugar foods that add nothing but inches.

4. ration cheese. It’s high in calcium but also salt and fat, so cut back on it (and milk, cream and yogurt) by a third.

5. don’t feel you have to take extra vitamins. The average diet should deliver 100% of the amount we need, according to the latest stats.

6. drink like a londoner. At around 1½ units a week, consumption in the capital is the lowest in the UK. n

B OHÈME LA

Royal Albert Hall, London

Thursday, February 27–Sunday, March 9

La Bohème, with its real characters and powerful emotion is a story of doomed love which gave Puccini full rein to unleash his most glorious music. This production is set in 1940s Paris, and from the tender intimacy of the artists’ garret, you will be drawn into the unfolding action where passion and spectacle mix with despair and ultimate tragedy.

Staged fully in the round and sung in Italian with English surtitles, this opera is guaranteed to captivate.

For a strictly limited period you can save £10 off Stalls, Circle and Choir seats for selected evening performances of La Bohème on: February 28 and March 4, 5, 6 & 9 if you book before February 17.

TO BOOK: Call the Royal Albert Hall Box Office on 020 7838 3100 quoting “Mimi Offer” or book online at royalalberthall.com and enter 14499 when prompted.

CONDITIONS: This offer is subject to availability, does not apply to tickets already purchased and cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer or discount. Ticket prices in these areas are usually £68.30 (stalls), £47.90 (mid-choir), £44.84 (upper-choir), £41.78 (front circle), £38.72 (rear circle) and £23.93 (restricted view circle). These prices include a transaction fee of 2% of the total booking and a £2 per ticket fee when booked over the phone or online. Offer closes February 17, 2014. Offer applies on evening performances on 28 February 28, March 4, 5, 6, 9 at 7.30pm, all other performances are excluded. Offer applies to stalls, choir and circle seats only and excludes all other ticket prices.

medicine With max pemberton

How a large rubber ball reminded me of what matters

Doctors are supposed to have fantastic memories. This is reinforced at medical school, where we’re given reams of facts and figures to memorise— and to regurgitate in exams.

Of course, everyone promptly forgets all those useless Latin names as they walk out of the exam hall and into the nearest pub. But it’s good training for when you’re a doctor—as we’re expected to retain the most unbelievable number of facts about every patient.

The biggest memory tests of all, though, come when you have to refer patients to other consultants—which means the other doctor is going to have to do some work. They know, as the referring doctor knows, that they’ll have to accept the referral and come and see the patient. Even so, they’re not going to give in without a fight.

Mrs Hughes was admitted with pneumonia. She improved with

At times I wonder why I even bothered training

antibiotics but her chronic problem is arthritis, which has left her bed-bound for five years. Yet, because of the pneumonia, we had to reduce her painkillers and, predictably, the pain came back. And so it was left to me to make the referral to Dr Brook*, the pain specialist.

You’d think that someone who specialises in pain would be keen to reduce it. Unfortunately, Dr Brook’s desire to end suffering doesn’t extend to that of other doctors. As soon as I call him, the barrage of questions intended to trip me up begins. “Has the rheumatologist seen her?” he asks. “Who is her rheumatologist? What’s his fax number?” he continues before I’ve had a chance to reply.

I dredge up some names and numbers from the recesses of my memory while I desperately flick through the notes. Meanwhile, the questions just keep

coming—including “Come on, come on, do you want me to see her or not?” This isn’t going very well.

Thankfully Gill the physiotherapist is nearby and, sensing I need help, rummages through the notes while I stall Dr Brook. Our combined effort means that eventually he agrees to come and see Mrs Hughes.

Buoyed up by this success I suggest to Gill that she pay Mrs Hughes a visit as well, to see if she can help. I also get in touch with the rheumatologist, who comes and adjusts some of her medication. I’m on a roll, so I arrange for the occupational therapist to see her too.

A few days later, as I walk past Mrs Hughes’s room, Gill pops her head round the door. “There’s someone in here who wants to speak to you,” she says.

I go into the room and Mrs Hughes is sitting up, doing exercises with a big rubber ball. I barely recognise her. The transformation is remarkable. “Thank you so much, Max, for your help,” she says. “All these people have been to see me and I feel marvellous.”

Being a doctor is tough and sometimes I wonder why I ever bothered training in the first place, But as I walk away from Mrs Hughes, who’s beaming and calling “thank you”, I remember.

Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor and author. He’s also the resident doctor on ITV’s This Morning

the myth? COLD Or WET MAkES YOU ILL medical myths— busted!

What’s the truth?

“You’ll catch your death of cold.” This is such a common phrase to say to people who aren’t wearing enough clothes, or are about to go out in the rain, that it surprises many doctors—let alone members of the general public—to learn it isn’t actually true. While your mother might swear by it, there’s no evidence to back it up.

Over the years scientists have done various experiments to test the theory. In one of them, the researchers exposed people to the cold virus and then made some of the volunteers cold to see if more of them became unwell. There was no difference in illness rates between those who’d been kept warm and those who hadn’t.

Where did the myth come from?

It’s true that there’s an 80 per cent increase in the risk of contracting a cold during the winter months—and given that you’re more likely to be cold or wet at that time of year, the idea that this is the cause seems to make sense. The increase, however, is thought to be down to the fact that we tend to stay indoors more and open our windows less, greatly raising the chance of coming into contact with the cold virus.

so there’s nothing to Worry about?

While a cold isn’t nice, you can rest assured that skinny-dipping in a frozen pond wasn’t responsible— whatever your mum might say. ■

To D or not to D: can vitamin supplements stop the snuffles?

Many people swear by vitamin D as a way to guard against colds and flu—but are they right? Here’s what the research says:

l A study in the Journal of Leukocyte Biology from May 2012 found that insufficient vitamin D is linked to a deficiency in the body’s immune responses. This suggests that boosting vitamin D in winter, when natural levels drop from a lack of sunshine, could increase your resistance to viral infections.

l A September 2012 study in the US journal Pediatrics showed that the risk of respiratory infections was halved in Mongolian children—known to be prone to vitamin D deficiency—who took a daily supplement of 300 IU (international units).

cold or flu?

l But the latest research isn’t all positive. A study of 322 healthy adults at the University of Otago in New Zealand showed that supplementing vitamin D in adults who aren’t deficient may not result in fewer or less severe colds.

Whether or not you decide to take the tablets, what’s certain is that vitamin D has a powerfully beneficial effect on your immune system. So make sure you eat plenty of the foods that contain it—such as oily fish, eggs and fortified breakfast cereals.

men’s health best foot forward

New research from University College London and the British Heart Foundation suggests that walking between one and two hours a day can cut the risk of stroke in older men by as much as 30 per cent. (The speed you walk isn’t as important.) If you think that sounds like hard work, these ideas might help:

Find the right footwear. With good walking shoes you can travel greater distances in greater comfort. Your heel shouldn’t slide up and down, there should be a firm arch support and the shoe’s forefoot should bend with the natural bend in your own foot.

out of bed on a cold winter morning or drag yourself away from the telly.

Step out for charity. Pledging a small sum for every mile you walk is a real motivator. Note the amount you owe after each walk on a chart and when you reach your target, send off a cheque. Do your errands on foot. Easy enough in a town—but if you live in the middle of nowhere, drive to within a mile (or more) of your destination and walk the rest.

Walk with a friend. If you’ve got a mate waiting for you, you’re more likely to get

exercise FOR THE DESk-BOUND

Go exploring. Varying your route and terrain will keep you mentally engaged and give different leg muscles a workout. Haven’t got one? Offer to walk a friend’s—or volunteer for the Dog’s Trust (dogstrust.org.uk), which expects a regular commitment, or the Cinnamon Trust (cinnamon.org.uk), which looks after the old and terminally ill and their pets.

Sitting at a desk all day can lead to headaches, back pain and blood and nerve restriction in the arms. This simple stretch for your chest muscles— which can cause the shoulders to hunch if they’re weak—will help posture, mobility and strength. It also increases blood flow to parts of the body that accumulate tension from hours of low activity. And you don’t even have to leave your chair! While sitting, turn your body so you’re facing right. Raise your right arm, bending the elbow at 90 degrees, with the elbow and shoulder in a straight line and the palm open. Sitting tall through your spine, rest your elbow lightly against the back of the chair and slowly turn your torso left. Hold this position for five slow, deep breaths, and do the same on the other side. Repeat every few hours. ►

monkey business/photoshot

It’s February, so your skin could be forgiven for being dull and dry. But try the following foods. They’re all rich in antioxidants and other nutrients shown to benefit this vital first layer of your immune system.

Do your fingers or toes go white and numb when the temperature gets even a little bit colder and then get very painful when they warm up again? If so, you could have Raynaud’s phenomenon, which affects up to ten million people in the Uk, many of them women. It can be hereditary.

Yet most people don’t even realise that it’s a syndrome and never see a doctor.

So what is Raynaud’s? Well, you get those unpleasantly numb fingers and toes— and perhaps even ears and nose—when the blood supply to them is interrupted as the arteries go into spasm in response to cold. Stress and anxiety can play a part too.

How to beat cold Hands and feet

You can do a lot to help yourself. See the tips below, but if Raynaud’s is making your life a misery, consult your GP. Medication is another option.

❱ Try to keep your body warm when it’s cold—especially your hands and feet with good gloves and warm footwear.

❱ Don’t smoke. It adversely affects your circulation.

❱ Minimise stress. Not easy in our fraught world, admittedly. But try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or yoga, and avoid stimulants such as coffee and cola.

❱ Get plenty of exercise. This will help combat stress and, importantly, improve the circulation. n

The no-show snow business

QThere was little or no snow at my ski resort this year. And with my chalet and ski hire paid in advance, I have to say it was a very unsatisfying holiday—there were just a few ski runs open. Do I have any comeback?

AWith global warming, you have to roll with the climate and be versatile. It’s true that skiing depends upon snow, but there’s no guarantee of holiday snowfall at any resort, so the best advice is to book late and be nimble. Take a weekend break and be on the lookout for all those lastminute cheap deals. That way, you’re best placed to get the weather you want and at bargain prices.

expect any recompense for lush green slopes where those glistening white hills should be.

QBut just as you can’t expect a refund for a beach holiday in Britain if there’s no sun, you can’t

fAst tip

I used to take pleasure changing a wheel. When my tyre went flat I could handle it, but recently I had to call a car-recovery company because the new lease car I was driving only had a puncture-repair kit. How can we change this?

ASpare tyres are disappearing fast— if you’re lucky, there’ll

be a temporary spare that you can only drive below 50mph. About 50% of new cars only come with puncture-repair kits and, according to consumer reports, they often don’t work even for small punctures—the RAC alone get 80,000 calls a year from drivers without spares and having problems with the repair kits.

The real answer is to fight for the right to change a wheel and, when you’re buying a car, insist that a free working one is thrown in as part of the deal. Faced with the chance to sell a new car, the dealers will be only too happy to give you the extra security of a working spare wheel to ensure the deal goes through. Please, drivers— including those who rent cars—insist on the spare and the industry will ultimately listen. ■

There are plenty of ways to get money for nothing. Recycling printer cartridges can earn you up to £5, while new bank accounts and loyalty cards offer cash incentives. And remember that a good declutter—from old phones to DVD players—can be a decent earner. Donal MacIntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV’s London Tonight. Please email consumer queries to Donal: excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

money With jasmine birtles

You and your pension 6: Benefits and tax credits

“Hey, great, we’re getting peanuts…”

Pensions are so complicated, and yet so important, that we’re now devoting part of each Money column to a clear, no-nonsense explanation of the whole tricky business

You won’t be left high and dry when you retire. Even if you don’t have a personal or company pension there’s help from the state. Here’s what you can get:

State Pension. This is based on the National Insurance contributions (NICs) you’ve made throughout your working life. In 2013–14, the basic state pension is £110.15 a week for a single person and £176.15 for a couple. (That’s if one of you hasn’t made enough NICs. If you both have, you each get the single-person rate.)

This, however, will soon

change—because last May the Government announced that a new flat-rate pension will be launched in April 2016. (The sum mentioned was £144 a week in 2013 prices, but the amount will always be above the Guarantee Credit minimum—see below.) The age you can claim it is changing too. By 2018, the retirement age for women will be 65, as it already is for men. From there, it’s set to rise for both sexes—to 66 in 2020; and to 67 between 2026 and 2028. After that, it will be reviewed every five years.

Pension Credit. Aimed at those on a low income, this is made up of two parts:

l Guarantee Credit—which guarantees an income of at least £145.40 a week if you’re single, and £222.05 if you have a partner.

l Savings Credit—which rewards over-65s who’ve saved towards their retirement. It pays up to £18.06 a week to single people or £27.09 to those with a partner. Go to gov.uk/pension-credit cartoon by steve way

for information on how you can get it. But bear in mind that even if you won’t get much, it’s worth claiming because it entitles you to other things. For example...

Council Tax and Housing benefit. If you’re claiming Pension Credit or even just the Guarantee Credit part, you won’t have to pay Council Tax. However, you will still need to apply for it to be paid by calling 0800 99 1234. Even if you don’t receive Guarantee Credit, you’ll have your Council Tax and rent paid if:

l You are 65 or over and have a weekly income of less than £131.95 if you are single, or £197.65 between you for couples.

l You are aged 60–64 and have a weekly income of less than £114.05 if you are single or £174.05 between you for couples.

If your income is higher than these amounts you may still get some of your Council Tax and rent paid—it’s well worth checking.

Funeral Payment. If you are receiving one of the benefits above you may be entitled to help with funeral costs should your partner die—even if you have savings. Funeral Payment covers necessary burial or cremation fees and up to £700 for any other funeral expenses.

Winter Fuel Payment. To qualify this year for help with heating your home, you must have been born before January 6, 1952. The payment is tax-free, and doesn’t even have to be spent on heating.

best Ways to sell your junk

You probably know about eBay and eBid—but if you’re looking for other ways to make money from your unwanted stuff, here are our top ideas.

Let’s face it, everyone likes a CaR bOOT SaLE. Most people go to buy things cheaply, but you call sell anything from books to furniture, CDs to clothes.

Cold Weather Payment. If you’re eligible for Pension Credit or certain other benefits, you could be entitled to this too—a payment to help cover your heating costs when the weather gets extremely cold between November 1 and March 31. You’ll receive your entitlement of £25 if your local temperature is recorded or forecast as being on average 0°C or below for seven consecutive days. As payment is automatic you don’t need to worry about making a claim. ►

To make money on your old ELECTRONIC GaDGETS, try gadgets4everyone.co.uk. Or for a quick sale of DVDS, PHONES, GaMES CONSOLES and CaMERaS, check out your local CeX store. To find the nearest to you, go to webuy.com/stores. There are more than 200 across Britain, so there should be one that’s close enough. If not, webuy.com is also CeX’s online arm—and you can sell there. (Mobile phones sell in all sorts of places for sums from £2.50 to £250. Try the mobile phone comparison via readersdigest. co.uk to get the best price on your make and model.)

Zapper.co.uk is also good for old DVDs—as well as CDs—but better still for buying any old TExTbOOkS you’ve got lying around the house, although your sale must come to a minimum of £10.

Green Tech (gtrecycling.com) offers up to £12 for USED PRINTER CaRTRIDGES and will even collect from you free of charge—as long as your sale is worth at least £20.

When it comes to selling your OLD CLOTHES, there are plenty of possibilities. If you have a particularly fine vintage collection—or just a couple of very special items—try Candy Says (candysays.co.uk). Otherwise, ASOS Marketplace (marketplace.asos.com) is always a reliable bet. And for the kind of clothes you can’t sell anywhere else, there’s Return to Earn. All you have to do is get online (returntoearn.co.uk) and request a blue bag. Then simply fill it with all your undamaged, unwanted clothes, shoes and accessories—and when it weighs at least 10kg, arrange a collection.

babY CLOTHES aND babY EqUIPMENT can be sold through babyswaporshop.co.uk, a great place for baby items of all kinds. You can sell prams, toys, pushchairs, feeding equipment, clothes, bedding and more.

What to do if you’re

facing redundancy

Losing your job can be unnerving. As well as the financial stresses, it can also bring a loss of confidence and sense of purpose. But there are ways to minimise the strain.

Start thinking about it while you’re still working. It’s important to have a financial cushion for when money is short, so try to make sure you have one. Begin by making a budget—you need to be honest about all incomings and outgoings—and then think about where you can make savings. Getting your debts under control and thinking about insurance are also best done while working. Remain positive. Think about the skills you’ve acquired, the contacts you’ve made, anything that will help you get your next job. know your rights. You may want to escape as soon as possible, but do check that your redundancy package is in order. There’s a tool on the government website (gov.uk) that enables you to calculate the amount you should get, so go there first, and type the word “redundancy” into the site’s search box.

this month’s bargain

Get 5% off a fantastic money-saving device. By turning your heating off for a short time every hour, Chop Cloc can reduce your bills by 16% without you noticing any difference. It normally costs £69.99, but to get one with our special discount go to Nigelsecostore.co.uk/ digest.

Most employers will have their own redundancy arrangements—often more generous than the legal minimum—so it’s well worth checking what they are. The good news is that you don’t pay income tax on a statutory redundancy payment, unless it’s over £30,000. The bad news is that you may have to on payouts from your employer.

Network. It really pays to get out there and let everyone know that you’re available for work. Your local Chamber of Commerce will have networking events and there are lots of networking groups in every sector, so look on the net for any that are nearby.

Network online too, particularly on LinkedIn, which has specific sections for getting work and finding job opportunities. Your connections there can recommend you for posts and let you know about jobs coming up.

Rework your CV. Take the opportunity to show all the skills and experience you’ve gained. Ideally you should tailor your CV to suit every job you go for, so that your skills are perfectly matched to the employer’s specifications. It’s also a good idea to send your CV as a pdf. (Use a free online service such as Doc2pdf to convert from Word.)

Consider consultancy. If you have significant experience in your profession, why not hire out your knowledge and skills? From gardening to tax advice, PR to publishing—in theory you can become a consultant in anything. For some great tips on how to do it, see entrepreneur.com. It’s never too late to learn. If you don’t want all the responsibility of running your own business, you could still think about starting on a whole new career path. There are courses available online, often for free, from institutions such as Harvard and Oxford. Even adult evening classes can give you the skills to start in a whole new direction.

the one thing you must do this month...

...is go on holiday. Go on: the weather’s terrible and it’s one of the cheapest times to go away— if you don’t choose Valentine’s weekend—so grab a holiday bargain and head off. Travelzoo. com/uk does excellent lastminute package deals and, if you fancy something upmarket, Voyages Privé offers up to 70% off four-star (and beyond) hotels and holidays. Or just ask your local travel agent if they have any deals. To help you afford it, why not put your home up for rent while you’re away on airbnb. com? It might even pay for your holiday!

jargon buster

Lifetime allowance. This is the overall maximum capital amount you can have in your pension savings before you get taxed on it. Currently the allowance is £1.5m but in April it will go down to £1.25m. ■

Jasmine birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

Tasty recipes you can make in just 30 minutes

These delightful spicy poached pears with featherlight meringue and red-wine sauce are the perfect end to a Valentine’s dinner. Serve with a kiss…

1. Preheat the oven to 220C/425F/gas mark

7. Lightly butter a shallow baking dish just large enough to hold the pears when they’re halved.

2. Squeeze the lemon and pour the juice into a saucepan, or a large frying pan with a lid, wide enough to fit the pear halves in a single layer. add the wine, 3tbs sugar and the cinnamon. Bring to the boil and reduce the heat to a simmer.

3. Peel, halve and core the pears. Lower into the syrup and

Pear meringue (serves 2)

Butter for greasing

2 large, firm, ripe pears

½ lemon

200ml red wine

125g caster sugar

¼ cinnamon stick

cook for 10 mins until they’re just softened, occasionally basting with the syrup.

4. meanwhile, make the meringue. Put the egg whites into a clean bowl and whisk until they’re stiff but not dry. Sprinkle in the remaining sugar a tablespoon at a time, beating well after each addition. add the vanilla and beat until the meringue is stiff and heavy.

5. Lift out the pear halves with a slotted spoon, draining the juice, and lay in the

Find more easy-to-cook recipes at readersdigest. co.uk/food

or pinch ground cinnamon

1 large egg whites

few drops vanilla extract

15g flaked almonds

1tbs icing sugar

baking dish. Spoon some meringue over each half, sprinkle flaked almonds over the meringue and sift the icing sugar over the top. Bake on the middle shelf of the oven for 5 mins or until lightly browned.

6. Boil the wine sauce until it’s reduced to a heavy syrup. remove the cinnamon stick, if used, and pour the syrup into a jug.

7. Lift the pears from the oven so the meringue doesn’t slip off, and serve with the wine sauce. ■

Trimming for winter and cleaning for summer

QI’ve been told that I should be pruning my plants now, but is it necessary?

A Judicious pruning at the right time of the year can do much to improve the shape, flowering and fruitfulness of plants, compared to those left to grow naturally. Pruning cuts through the bark, which is what protects a plant from disease.

The cleaner the cut, the faster

Keep your plants under control by pruning

the wound will dry and heal, so it’s important to keep tools sharp and avoid ragged cuts and torn bark. Plants have natural defences against injury concentrated in certain places, such as the joint where a bud or leaf grows. Cutting close to this point helps the wound to heal quickly.

Q

I used my lawnmower a great deal during the past year, so it’s quite dirty. How should I go about cleaning it?

A

It’s always worth checking over your mower and other lawn-care equipment in winter, when the grass hardly grows at all. Use a plastic scraper to clean off any caked grass stuck to the mower—this not only makes it easier to examine but also protects your mower, as grass sap stains plastic and corrodes metal.

Where grass is lodged in places that are difficult to clean, blow it out with a few blasts from a bicycle pump. Check all moving parts and then oil them. Sharpen the blades with a file to regain a sharp edge, replacing any that are badly worn if necessary.

QWhat are the perfect greenhouse conditions at this time of year?

AA dry atmosphere with a gentle circulation of air is ideal, so open one or two top ventilators for an hour or so during the day, unless it’s foggy or frosty. Open vents on the side away from the wind, and close them by midday so that warmth has time to build up.

Most plants benefit from temperatures above 6C; use a thermometer to check. You can economise by gathering tender plants in a well-insulated spot and heating only this area.

QMy wooden plant supports are looking the worse for for wear. Should I replace them?

ATry undertaking a bit of repair work first. Clean the wood using a wire brush to remove algal growth and stubborn patches of dirt. Then scrub it well with a stiff brush and clean water, and allow to dry. Treat any small areas of rotting wood with wood hardener, then coat the rest with a preservative paint or stain, making sure it’s non-toxic if plants are growing close by.

In the case of support posts, you can often save them by bolting the sound part to a metal spike or a concrete spur, rather than putting in a new one.

february checklisT

l Paint or spray deciduous trees that have a history of pest and disease attack while leafless, using winter wash to kill moss and overwintering insect eggs. Spread plastic sheeting to protect surrounding plants.

l Protect container-grown plants against frost. The extent of the protection that’s required will depend on the hardiness of the plant.

l Rake up any leaves, which if left will block out light, hold moisture and encourage moss to grow.

Submit your gardening questions at readersdigest.co.uk/contact-us

Save the small jam, marmalade and honey jars used in cafes. They have a good seal that makes them suitable for storing seeds and pips. ■

Many thanks to B G Oseman of Manchester for sending this in.

Send us your gardening tips—with photos, if possible. Go to readersdigest.co.uk/contact-us. We’ll pay £50 if we use them on this page.

Your own make of car

Last month in “One to Buy” I suggested giving yourself a New Year sense of achievement by building your own Caterham Seven 160 (above left) from the kit you can buy for £14,995. Now several of you want to know more about the car itself—so let’s start with some history...

The Caterham Seven is based on the tiny Lotus Seven, one of the greatest sports cars of all time. Launched in 1957, it was

made famous as the car driven by Number 6 in the Sixties TV series The Prisoner (above right).

The Lotus Seven was originally sold as a kit car to avoid charging Purchase Tax (the forerunner of VAT), payable on finished cars, but not on car components. In fact, it wasn’t even legal to give assembly instructions—so, instead, Lotus gave “disassembly” instructions that could be

Ford EcoSport (£14,995)

used to build the car if you followed them backwards!

Caterham bought the rights to the Lotus Seven in 1973 and has been making its own version ever since, with the cars getting bigger and faster. The 160, though, is new: stripped back and with a smaller engine.

I’ve driven the Caterham 160 and it’s a ton of fun. Top speed is just 100mph from the 660cc Suzuki three-cylinder engine, but everything you do feels fast and exciting because you’re so near the ground and the car is so responsive.

ONE TO BuY no pressure

There’s currently a trend for urban “soft roaders”: small cars that look rugged but are an economical two-wheel drive. This one is based on Ford’s Fiesta—a great place to start. And on top of the Fiesta’s excellent handling and ride, the EcoSport has improved access all round and a bigger load area. It’s a great package.

Two years ago I wrote about airless tyres and now manufacturer Bridgestone has released its latest air-free tyre concept. This new version uses thermo-plastic resins and will run up to 60mph, but the whole thing is also recyclable. The air-free tyre is a step closer. ■

My Great Escape: Local colour and crashing water

The Iguazu Falls, on the border of Argentina and Brazil, stretch for nearly two miles

Andrew Jones and his wife

Heather from Solihull recommend Brazil—and not just for football…

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50.

Go to readers digest.co.uk/ contact-us travel With kate pettifer

wandering through the square beating their drums had our feet tapping uncontrollably.

My wife and I went to Brazil in 1996 and the trip still stands out as a fascinating adventure—even without World Cup fever. Starting with a taste of excitement in Rio, we moved on to Salvador further up the Atlantic coast. The city is known as Brazil’s capital of happiness and it was easy to see (and hear) why. We sat one evening in a beautiful old restaurant looking out over a city square—with its brightly painted houses, the scene could easily have been plucked out of a Cornish fishing village. A band of local musicians

From Salvador, we headed straight for the heart of the Amazon to Manaus, the original capital of the Brazilian rubber trade. There began a most magical journey deep into the forest, starting with a four-hour journey by local bus (goats and all). Disembarking at night in a small village in the middle of nowhere, we followed a narrow path between tall grasses down to the river’s edge, where we clambered into battered motorised canoes. Then we chugged upriver to our jungle lodge, home for the next four days of piranha fishing, crocodile hunting and avoiding spiders as large as your hand!

We thought those few days were going to be the highlight of our trip until we flew to the Iguazu Falls, on the southern border with Argentina. We shall never forget as our plane glided in over the enormous forest canopy with trees as far as you

could see. But nothing could prepare us for the sight of the waterfalls themselves—the volume of water cascading towards earth defies statistics. To catch our breath, we then headed back to Rio for some serious sun-bathing and peoplewatching on Copacabana beach.

So did Brazil win us over with its beautiful game or did it score an own goal? no doubt, it’s right up there as a must-see country, which deserves recognition on the world stage this year.

Journey latin America (020 3432 1567, journeylatin america.co.uk) has a 15-day highlights itinerary from £2,941pp, including accommodation and internal flights (excludes flights to and from Brazil).

TrAvel weBSITe oF The MonTh

sustrans.org.uk

Whether you already cycle or are considering getting back in the saddle, this website—collated by a charity dedicated to promoting travel by bike, as well as on foot and by public transport—is an incredible resource on everything from bike maintenance to road safety. We like the route finder: simply tap in your postcode to see the on- and off-road cycle routes in your area (a useful tool, too, for UK holidaymakers with bikes in tow).

THInGS To do THIS MonTH

go now

The Maldives sounds good at any time of year, but the Indian ocean archipelago is just coming into high season with temperatures crisping up nicely. Sovereign Luxury Travel has added Kurumba resort to this year’s hotel collection. A short hop from Malé by boat, it’s family friendly and available on an all-inclusive basis as well as half board. Seven nights’ b&b, departing February 2, costs from £1,615pp (0843 770 4526; sovereign.com).

stay now

British hotels are turning the glum weather to their advantage. The Storm Watch package at the lugger Hotel in Penzance includes two nights’ b&b, wet-weather gear, hot toddies and crumpets from £318 for two (01736 363 236; theluggerhotel.co.uk), while a sumptuous two-night Fireside Recluse Break at Brimstone in the Lake District starts at £650 for two, half board (01539 438 062; brimstonehotel.co.uk).

book now

Short cruises offer an affordable way to dip your toe into big-ship holidays. launches this year’s programme in May with Alfie Boe entertaining on the family-friendly Azura for a four-day cruise from Southampton, visiting Belgium and Guernsey (from £329pp). There will be more short cruises in the autumn, from £279pp for a three-night sail (0843 373 0111; pocruises.com). ■

The Reader’s Digest

February fiction

The secrets of British politics—and of human emotions—are explored in this month’s novels

The Tell-Tale Heart

by Jill Dawson

(Sceptre,

£17.99; ebook, £9.99)

We’re now so used to transplant surgery that it’s easy to forget how historically, and even philosophically, strange it is to have someone else’s heart inside you. Certainly, this has never occurred to Patrick Robson— middle-aged academic, womaniser and proud rationalist—until he comes round after his operation in Papworth Hospital and realises it’s not his own heart that’s beating faster when he sees his family. So is his new-found tenderness merely due to getting a second chance at life, or is it more mysterious than that? Might the heart—these days such a poor relation to the brain—contain something of our true selves after all?

Dawson is far too wise to attempt any answers to these big questions. Instead, she leaves us to ponder them while she gets on with the job of serving up some wonderful story-telling. Between Patrick’s chapters, we hear not only from the donor—a Fenland teenager—but also from one of the donor’s ancestors, himself a teenager during the Fenland riots of 1816. And, their stories, it transpires, have much in common.

By the end, we may not have found out how

BY JAMES WALTON

James Walton writes and presents the BBC Radio 4 literary quiz

The Write Stuff

?

name the author Answer on page 130

Can you guess the writer from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)

1. His most famous character was named after the author of a book about Caribbean birds.

2. His only children’s book was Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang

3. He died 50 years ago—but sequels to his work have since been written by Sebastian Faulks and William Boyd.

supernatural Patrick’s transformation is—but we do know that one guaranteed way to experience other people’s essential feelings is by reading novels as good as this.

The Madness of July

by James Naughtie (Head of Zeus, £12.99; ebook, £6) Despite being somewhat older than the average first-time novelist, James Naughtie sticks firmly to the rule of writing about what you know. The main character is from the Highlands (where Naughtie grew up) and works in the Westminster of the 1970s (where Naughtie cut his journalistic teeth). He’s also an ex-spy turned junior minister, which is why he’s called in when a dead American spook is found in the House of Commons.

Needless to say, how the man got there and how he died are matters of some urgency to the Government. But, as it turns out, the book itself is in no rush. Fortunately, it does keep the plot bubbling along nicely while it carefully builds up a picture of politics as a profession that provokes more genuine madness than the public ever imagines.

February paperbacks

The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (Sphere, £7.99). Likely to be piled higher in the shops than most debut thrillers—because, as we now know, the author’s real name is J K Rowling.

Give Me Everything You Have by James Lansdun (Vintage, £8.99). Terrifying true-life story of how the author was cyber-stalked by a former student—who then used the internet, perfectly legally, to destroy his reputation.

The Minor Adjustment

Beauty Salon by Alexander McCall Smith (Abacus, £7.99). The latest irresistible tale of Precious Ramotswe and that No 1 ladies’ detective agency of hers.

Naughtie’s writing style is punctilious rather than elegant (“Little Simon, than whom no one was more junior…”). He also leaves the chief suspects so sketchy as to feel interchangeable. Nonetheless, the combination of insider knowledge, essential kindliness and a satisfying denouement means that the result is not unlike Naughtie’s famous questioning style on the Today programme: overlong, occasionally clumsy—but ultimately highly effective.

The Blind Man’s Garden by Nadeem Aslam (Faber, £7.99). Marvellously sweeping literary novel of an Afghan family who after 9/11 find themselves caught between the Taliban and the Americans—neither of whom they like very much.

Just a Mo by Laila Morse (Virgin, £6.99). How Morse (pictured) was saved from a life of drugs and violence by becoming an actress, most famously in EastEnders. Far meatier than the average celeb memoir.

Black holes in the brain

A daughter’s memoir of her mother’s decline combines overwhelming sadness with entirely rational anger

Where Memories Go is not only an extremely good book. It also feels like a very important one. According to the preface, dementia is “one of the greatest social, medical, economic, scientific, philosophical and ethical challenges of our times”. Rarely, though, has that challenge been posed with such ferocious yet controlled emotional power as it is here.

Sally Magnusson is well-known as a journalist and broadcaster—and as the daughter of Magnus. But her mother Mamie Baird Magnusson was at least equally remarkable: a girl from the tenements of Rutherglen, near Glasgow, who became a successful journalist on the Scottish Daily Express. (She also worked briefly in the Express’s Fleet Street office but, much to the editor’s disappointment, couldn’t be persuaded to leave Scotland for good.) After leaving work when she and Magnus married—that’s how it was in the 1950s—Mamie continued to write much-loved, often funny columns about motherhood, making her much more famous at the time than her husband. She also indulged such favourite hobbies as writing limericks, sliding down banisters and, later, enthusiastically babysitting her grandchildren.

But around 1999 Sally began to wonder if her mother’s formidable wit, energy and intellect were starting to wane. Sure enough, this was the onset of a dementia whose progress over the next 13 years her daughter chronicles with unsparing but sympathetic honesty—admitting when the dementia is funny, when it isn’t funny any more and her own moments of guilty anger at Mamie’s occasional cruelty. Meanwhile, the worse the condition gets, the more painful the flashes of her old sharpness become. Dementia, she tells Sally at one point, is “like being on a long road, getting further and further away from myself”.

Interspersed with the personal story is a more general

Some factS about

dementia from Sally’S book:

Looking after people with the various symptoms of dementia, whether caused by Alzheimer’s or one of the other forms, is already costing one per cent of global GDP—around £400bn a year.

In the UK the figure is more than £23bn: greater than the cost of care for stroke, heart disease and cancer combined.

Yet for every £1 spent on dementia research in Britain, £26 goes to cancer research

investigation. Sally talks to several dementia experts, learning how little they know about its causes, let alone how to find a cure. (Playing patients familiar music, mind you, seems to have a calming effect in all cases.) She also seethes with quietly effective rage about the way sufferers are treated. One tip she receives from an expert is that the only way to stop a hospital “turning your loved one into a basket case” is never to let them spend much time there. In short, Where Memories Go seems certain both to intensify and hugely benefit a growing national debate.

In this passage—written, like all of the book, directly to Mamie in the second person—the year is 2007…

Ours was the same problem that besets every family trying to look after someone with dementia: how to keep your independent spirit flying and to help you feel like a free agent, when the decisions you made were so often disastrous (like insisting on walking on a road shiny with ice) and the decisions you increasingly couldn’t make (to get up, dress, eat) were so fundamental.

I know we occasionally encouraged you to fly a little too high. My heart still lurches as I remember your last public speaking performance. Eight months after my father’s death, you were asked to give the address at an old friend’s funeral. My sisters and I had misgivings, but you were so keen that we thought, well, why not? Why not let you feel the exhilaration of interacting with an audience again? So we solicited your stories about the late professor and I typed up a tribute in your style. All you had to do was read it.

On the day, you and I set out for the church. I was nervous, but I wanted so passionately to give you the chance to be yourself and feel the adrenalin of performance pumping through your veins again. As your moment approached, I was on the edge of my seat. This was worse than waiting for the entrance of my

Where Memories Go: Why Dementia Changes Everything by Sally Magnusson is published by Two Roads at £16.99; ebook, £6.02

Sally as a baby with her parents— including an impressively bearded Magnus

People around me were gazing at you with anxious concentration, breaths held, willing you to stop

firstborn at the school nativity. Still, everything was going swimmingly. Up you marched to the front, revelling in the attention. And you did well. You looked up from your script like a pro and engaged the audience, who laughed in all the right places. You made it to the last sentence without a tremor and I relaxed. Almost there.

And then, to my horror, you started again. You turned over page three and started again seamlessly on page one, reading it with precisely the intonation and professional enthusiasm you had given it a moment ago. And on you went, delivering the same speech all over again. I was going to have to lead you away, but when was the right moment to embarrass you? Perhaps you would stop when you reached the end a second time, but there was always a chance you would not. Perhaps you would go on and on and on, instantly forgetting what you had just read.

People around me were gazing at you with anxious concentration, breaths held, willing you to stop. One more sentence and then I would act. No, just one more. Any second now.

And then the minister stepped forward. Quietly, he grasped you by the elbow and, as you paused for breath, edged you hurriedly down the stairs. The congregation erupted in most unfunereal applause, and you looked thrilled. I should have realised that embarrassment had flown to the same place as many of your social inhibitions. Everyone, especially the widow, understood. But as I steered you between these sympathetic faces, I felt sick with guilt. This was not how you should have left the public stage.

and the name of the author i S … Ian Fleming. Birds of the West Indies (1934) by James Bond was a favourite guidebook of Fleming’s—but he chose the name because he wanted one that was deliberately dull.

and £15 to heart disease research.

More than a third of the UK population have a close friend or relative with dementia.

The World Health Organisation estimates that there’s a new case of dementia every four seconds, with around 37 million sufferers worldwide— a figure that’s predicted to double every 20 years.

“We can identify galaxies light years away, study particles smaller than an atom, but we still haven’t unlocked the mystery of the three pounds of matter that sits between our ears.”

President Barack Obama in April 2013, announcing a brain-mapping initiative that he describes as the challenge of the century.

Sally with her mother in 2010

Books That Changed My Life

Author Val McDermid has sold over ten million copies of her books worldwide and been translated into more than 30 languages. She’s best known for her Tony Hill and Carol Jordan crime novels—the latest instalment Cross and Burn (£7.99) is out in paperback this month.

Treasure Island

By Robert Louis Stevenson

This swashbuckling adventure, with a young cabin boy pitted against a man at its heart, totally captivated me as a child. Jim’s journey and the island seemed so exotic, and I loved all the characters—Long John Silver was wonderful, with his wooden leg and parrot on his shoulder. I first stumbled across the story in comic-book form and couldn’t wait to get the full-length novel. Growing up in Scotland, I went to Sunday School every week and read the Bible, so I was never afraid of tackling grown-up themes or prose.

The Murder at the Vicarage

By Agatha Christie

I used to spend a lot of time staying with my grandparents. This was the only book (besides the Bible) in the house and was my introduction to adult crime novels. I was nine years old. It’s the first Miss Marple case and Christie was at the peak of her powers. I found it fascinating how she constructed all the different side plots and relationships alongside the main story arc. There wasn’t much money for books in our family, but we lived over the road from the library. I’d steal my mother’s card—“I have to get a book for my mum, she’s not well”—so I could get into the adult library and work my way through all Christie’s novels. It became imprinted on my mind that a book had to have a dead body in it!

As told to Caroline Hutton

Sexual Politics

by Kate Millett

When I was at Oxford in the early 1970s, a friend lent me this book and it changed my life more than any other. As a piece of literary criticism written from a feminist perspective, it deconstructed everything I’d read and blew my mind. I felt like my head was on fire—here was a completely different way of looking at the world. It made me a feminist and opened the door for me to understand my own sexuality, which was pretty crucial for a happy ending to the rest of my life. I’ve met Kate a couple of times, but I go all fan girl and become quite speechless in her company. ■

ergonomic design is easy on arms and backs whilst its extra-long reach 9m/30ft cable lets you vacuum from room-to-room, saving time and energy. Oreck’s unique brushroll grooms deep into your carpet to lift pile, remove pet hair and dirt and prolong carpet life.

£239.99, Reader’s Digest readers can get the XL Silver for only £184.99 when ordering by 31.03.14 or whilst stocks last.

Laugh!

win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish. Visit readersdigest.co.uk/ contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

¶ Freddie Mercury had finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

“Can you get me another one, please?” asked Freddie.

“Why?” asked the waiter.

“I want to break three.”

Seen on the internet

¶ “Where does poo come from?” a little boy asks his dad.

His dad explains: “Well, son, the food passes down the oesophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts protein before waste product enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum, finally to emerge as poo.”

“Wow!” exclaims the little boy. He thinks for a while, then asks, “So where does Tigger come from?”

Grahame Jones, London

¶ The worst thing about being a doctor for the World Health Organisation is people get annoyed when they find out you don’t have a Tardis.

Comedian Ross Noble

¶ james and stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger.

“No problem,” replies Stephen. “I’ll show you the real art of thieving.”

Re-entering the shop, he approaches a member of staff and asks him, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The staff member nods, so Stephen takes three chocolate bars off the shelf and eats them all.

“So where’s the magic?” asks the staff member.

“Just check my friend’s pocket,” Stephen replies, pointing to James. “You’ll find all three bars intact.”

R Suntharalingam, Sri Lanka

cover star ross kemp’s favourIte joke?

Q: What do you call two robbers?

A: A pair of knickers.

¶ I was in the cinema the other day, watching an incredibly sad film. It was so sad that the man behind me started wailing. Then I was hit in the head with a harpoon.

Seen on Reddit

It’s such a relief when you think you’ve forgotten someone’s name and then realise you don’t actually know them Comedian

Jack Dee

facebook funnies: RD woRD of the Day

every day, we post a word on our Facebook page and invite our readers to come up with funny alternative definitions. over the past few months, we’ve had a huge number of witty, inventive and downright surreal suggestions:

ImpeDImeNta

“A female bouncer.”

“Soaking one’s feet in a minty liqueur.”

“The compulsion to talk in a fake Italian accent.”

“A Harry Potter spell.”

my fruit and vegetable business has unfortunately gone into liquidation. we now sell smoothies

Byron Calloway, South Wales

BaYou

“Instructing someone to purchase a coniferous tree.”

“Something that might happen at a farmers’ market.”

“Sound an embarrassed wolf makes.”

auGurY

“The hidden month between July and August.”

“Opposite of ‘beaurriful’.”

“A place where old Audi cars are retired or rehabilitated.”

putscH

“A drunken golf shot on the greensh.”

“What a cat says when it’s angry.”

“To lay something down—quietly.”

ovate

“An inside-out rusty old-looking oven.” “Eight eggs.”

“It comes after ovseven.”

Want to join in the fun? then check out facebook.com/ readersdigestuk every weekday.

If you’re looking for the perfect Valentine’s present, these stories from msn.com might persuade you to stick with flowers and chocolates:

“I once got a Harley Davidson calendar after I randomly mentioned that I thought motorbikes were cool.”

“I was given a compilation tape. The boy had actually got the tape from another girl— he literally tried to scrape off the handwritten label and replace it with one he wrote.”

“My boyfriend gave me a talking framed picture of himself. Not him and me, you understand—just him. When I pressed a button on the frame, it said, ‘When you miss me, just listen to my voice and think of me.’ We broke up soon after.”

“I got a book about running and a Twilight bookmark.”

“I was given a toaster. I do still use the toaster, but the guy that bought it is seven years gone.”

“I received a spice rack for Valentine’s Day, along with several unsigned cards (my boyfriend said he ‘couldn’t choose’).”

“Actually, it’s a placebo”

what the hell? Inexplicable pictures from the internet (sobadsogood.com)

¶ A programmer is going to the shop. His wife tells him, “Buy a pint of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen.”

The programmer goes off, buys the groceries and drives back home.

“Why did you get 12 pints of milk?” asks his wife angrily.

“There were eggs,” replies the programmer calmly. Seen on the internet

¶ I have a Jim Morrison-voiced satnav in my car, but it’s useless.

It just tells me to keep my eyes on the road and hands upon the wheel.

Craig Scott, West Lothian

¶ It’s amazing to me how there are fewer and fewer internet cafes around. I was sure the internet was going to be really popular.

Comedian Tim Vine

¶ I bought a new thesaurus today. It’s nothing to write house about. Seen on the internet

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jason manford

favouRite one-lineR? standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets. then it hit me… –stewart francis

what’s youR favouRite paRt of youR own Routine? That’s like identifying your favourite child! But in my current set, my favourite story is about a man at a shopping centre who gets a very nasty surprise from a disgusting shopper.

what’s youR favouRite gig? It’s so hard to choose. Playing Manchester is always special, so selling out the Arena on my last tour was amazing. The O2 in London is great, and playing the Royal Variety Show a couple of times was a pleasure.

jason manford is on tour with his show First world problems until april 12. Visit jasonmanford.com for dates, venues and prices

Do you have a favouRite heckle?

I once asked an audience in Scunthorpe if anyone had twins. A drunk woman shouted out, “Yeah!” I asked, “How old?” and she replied, “Five and six.”

favouRite tv show?

It’s got to be Modern Family. I also loved The Wrong Mans on BBC2 recently (right), although it’s not strictly comedy.

finally, who aRe youR comeDy inspiRations? Les Dawson, Billy Connolly and Peter Kay. And I used to love Tommy Cooper—I’m appearing in his biopic next year on ITV. n

RD Brain Teasers

Grab a cup of tea and a biscuit and bend your mind to these puzzles, ranging from the mildly puzzling to the pen-chewingly fiendish

collision course

A pink ball is suspended in outer space, motionless. An orange ball approaches it on a direct collision course at 8,000mph. What happens when the orange ball hits the pink ball? (The orange and pink balls are of the same mass.)

roll over

A sum has been made from the upper faces of three six-sided dice—but it doesn’t make sense. To make it work, you must roll each dice over in any direction, by a quarter turn. How many solutions are there and what are they? (It’s easier if you write down your work.)

impossible trianGle

Look at the triangle below. How would you describe the position of the ball? Is it nearer the top or the bottom of the triangle?

sudoku To win, you have to put a number from 1 to 9 in each outlined section so that: • every horizontal row and vertical column contains all nine numerals (1–9) without repeating any of them • each of the outlined sections has all nine numerals, none repeated. If you want even more of a challenge, try timing yourself too.

difficulty HHH

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

hexaGonal place mats

Dinner is almost ready. Which number should replace the x on the fourth place mat (D)?

Answers

c (8 x 9) – 10 = 62 d (10 x 11) – 11 = 99

a (4 x 5) – 8 = 12 b (6 x 7) – 9 = 33

exagonalh place mats:

udoku:s If you solved it within: 15 minutes, you’re a true expert; 30 minutes, you’re no slouch either; 60 minutes or more, maybe numbers aren’t your thing.

mpossiblei triangle: The truth is, it’s in the middle.

£50 prize question

(answer published in the march issue)

how many bananas are needed to balance scale c?

ollr over: There are two solutions as follows:

ollisionc course: The pink ball shoots off at 8,000mph and the orange ball stops motionless, dead in its tracks. (In real life, the speed would be less than 8,000mph due to energy lost during the collision.)

The first correct answer we pick on January 31 wins £50!* Email excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

Each leaf has a value of 8, each pot a value of 11 and each flower a value of 3, so 9 flowers are needed to balance scale C answer to January’s prize question: and the £50 goes to… Tim Ladbrooke from Nottingham

* The 12th month in each year will not be charged for the first 3 years.

Beat the Cartoonist!

w I n £100 and a Cartoon pr I nt

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-February alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite— and if your entry gets the most votes, you’ll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or readersdigest.co.uk/caption by February 7. Vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption. We’ll announce the winner in our April issue. n

In next month’s issue

actress Hermione norris gives us the inside story on filming The Ark, bbc1’s compelling new world war one drama

december’s winner

It was a Christmas treat for the professionals, who at last had something to smile about after a dismal run of results. It wasn’t a decisive victory, but cartoonist Royston Robertson still managed to attract the most votes with, “I’m afraid I can’t do anything unless you have a receipt.” Maybe this will be their year? Not if our readers have anything to do with it…

scoreboard readers 17 cartoonists 7

• How our emotions affect our digestion

• b ritain’s best inventions (so far)

• Plane crash in the wilderness

PLUs alexander

mccall smith’s favourite books

“ One of the best Fords ever”

autoexpress.co.uk

At one of the best prices ever:

New FORD FIESTA ZETEC with metallic paint* and free rear parking distance sensors available from Nil** Advance Payment.

To see what everyone’s talking about, visit ford.co.uk/motability 0845 60 40 019

Official fuel consumption figures in mpg (l/100km) for the Ford Fiesta Zetec 1.25 82PS, 1.5 TDCi 75PS and 1.6 105PS: urban 33.6-64.2 (8.4-4.4), extra urban 62.8-85.6 (4.5-3.3), combined 47.9 -76.4 (5.9-3.7). Official CO2 emission 138-98g/km. The mpg figures quoted are sourced from official EUregulated test results, are provided for comparability purposes and may not reflect your actual driving experience.

*Vehicle shown is in Candy Blue which is a pearlescent paint available at additional cost. **Nil Advance Payment available only on Ford Fiesta Zetec 1.25 82PS, 1.5 TDCi 75PS and 1.6 105PS. This programme is subject to the standard conditions of the Motability 3-year Contract Hire Scheme. Full written details and quotations available on request from a Ford Authorised participating dealer of Motability Operations Limited. Under the Scheme the vehicles are leased from Motability Operations Limited (Registered Company No. 1373876), City Gate House, 22 Southwark Bridge Road, London SE1 9HB. Applications must be received and accepted between 1st January and 31st March 2014 by Motability Operations Ltd.