Reader's Digest UK Aug 2010

As the UK's No. 1 for single travellers,our holidays are designed for anyone who wishes to travel by themselves, whether single or not. Our dedicated team has many years'experience and when you travel on our holidays you'll never feel alone, as you'll be accompanied by like-minded people and guided by our friendly, professional Tour Managers.

Where age doesn't matter

We welcome anyone who wishes to travel on their own and believe age doesn't matter on a Just You holiday. In fact we think that holidaying with a mix of ages is the best way to travel, so no matter what age you are you will be in the company of people united by a love of travel.

With you all the way

On our holidays you will always be accompanied by one of our friendly, professional Tour Managers who, like any good host, will be there when you need them, but won't intrude if you want your own space. A room of your own

Travelling on your own can mean having to book and organise everything for yourself, but not with Just You. We'll take care of everything from welcome drinks where you can meet your travelling companions, to finding comfortable, friendly hotels. And of course, with Just You everyone has their own room with no single supplement.

You'll be met at the airport by one of our friendly representatives, and on worldwide holidays departing from London, Heathrow or Gatwick you will have the free use of an executive lounge.

Request your brochure NOW...Call

Holidays single

For individuals who

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Our holidays feature:

■ A room of your ownno single supplement

■ Fully escorted by friendly Tour Managers

■ Fly from your local airport

■ Many meals and excursions included

■ Welcome drink and farewell get-together

■ Travel with like-minded people

mcitt,ttt,

Mad. rom Juicy Strawberries

Rich in V itanli

WHICH WAY TO BAKER STREET? MARTIN FREEMAN AS DR WATSON—PAGE 36

Dr Watson, I Presume? Martin Freeman on Hollywood, socialism, and his new role as Sherlock's sidekick

The Greatest Show on Earth?Dancing chickens, backflippingtoddlers...North Korea's Arirang Mass Games have got it all

Thought Only One Sex Got Certain Diseases? Think Again! Which of these didyou think were sex-specific?

Amy's Legacy How these parents' forgiveness meant their daughter's death wasn't in vain

What's Hot, What's Not We look at the technology of tomorrow—and the gadgets you can dump today

Roll Up... Who wants to work in a circus? The answer may surprise you

Street Attacks On Our Emergency Services Why are those paid to protect us being put at risk?

I Remember Ronan Keating discusses priests, fatherhood and the earlyyears (yes,that Boyzone performance)

Britain's Best Hidden Hotels

From the Highlands to Devon, discover some of these tucked-away gems

The Back Problem It affects over a million people in Britain, but is the best treatment slipping under the radar?

The Films That Made Our Childhood

Five writers pick the flicks that shaped their early years

A Reader's Story Ben Duncan enjoys a fishy meal—with a nasty sting in the tail

We've tracked down some extraordinary stories this month, including: the parents whose daughter was brutally murdered, who then went on to make friends with her killers and invited them to stay; the real-life stories of a circus troupe; amazing photos of one of the world's most spectacular but least-known ceremonies—in North Korea; Britain's best hidden hotels; and the family who went off in search of excitement on a sailing adventure, only to nearly die over an unfortunate choice of supper. So it's fittingthat our cover star has been doing some tracking down of his own. Martin Freeman—everyone's favourite as lovelorn Tim in TheOffice—stars as Dr Watson in the new modern-day TV drama Sherlock. Does this explain his need to "keep vigilant" at all times? Find out on p36! Gill Hudson theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk twitter.com/rdigest

)i))LISHED BY VIVAT DIRECT L 9 II READER'S DIGEST), 57 EDGWARE ROAD, LONDON W2 2HR 011, PAPER FROM SUSTAINABLE FORESTS. PL EASE RECYCLE

EDITORIAL Editor-in-Chief Gill Hudson Managing

Editor Catherine Haughney Design Director Martin Colyer

Commissioning Editor Simon Hemelryk Deputy Production

Editor Tom Browne Features Researcher Rachael Adams

Art Editor Hugh Kyle Picture Researcher Roberta Mitchell

Contributing Editors Caroline Hutton, Harry Mount, James Walton

MANAGING DIRECTOR David Titrnuss

ADVERTISING Sales Controller Dominic Eddon (dominic_ eddon@readersdigest.co.uk) Marketing Solutions Manager Paul Eyers Advertising Sales Manager Noel Nallen Trade Marketing Manager (Magazines and Books) Simon Nicoll Production Controller Chris Tribe Magazine Marketing Manager Justine Burrows

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President and Chief Executive Officer Mary G. Berner

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VP, Global Editor-in-Chief Reader's Digest Peggy Northrop

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Writers

"Martin Freeman was unusually relaxed and open for an actor," says journalist Andrew Duncan.Andrew is the author ofThe Reality of Monarchy, and has written for The Times,theDaily Mail and the Sunday Express. He lives in London and France.

Page 36

You can write for us, too

Your stories, jokes and letters are important to us—and could earn you money!

Letters We pay£30for all published letters and £50 for the star letter: email us at readersletters@readersdigest. co.uk orwriteto Readers' Letters, Reader's Digest, 157 Edgware Road London W2 2HR.

Page 104

Meera SyalMBE has written two bestselling books and a successful West End musical, Bombay Dreams. She recently guest-starred inDoctor Who with Matt Smith. Why does she love Laurel and Hardy filmThe Music Box? Because it reminds her "how delicious it is to laugh like a kid again".

Award-winning portrait photographer Philip Fisk has snapped the likes of Paul Merton, Lewis Hamilton and Russell Brand. "The biggest difficulty was the language barrier," he says of our circus shoot. "I didn't have a simple answer for `Why are we here?'"

Page 66

RD on the iPad

Within just 48 hours of going live, we had more than 5,000 downloads—and counting!—of our iPad app. Find out more onpage122

Other submissions We pay £100 for the true stories, anecdotes, jokes and other material we print in Laughter, the Best Medicine, A Reader's Storyand No, Really! We also pay £60 for contributions toend-of-article fillers.

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Your letters, YOUR OPINIONS

LETTER OF THE MONTH

A tricky diagnosis

I was pleased you addressed the issue of hypothyroidism in "I Told You I Was III". For my family and many others, this condition involved years of visits to specialists, who puzzled over symptoms without identifying the cause. Plenty of sufferers remain undiagnosed for years.

I'd like to draw attention to the charity Thyroid UK, which is at the forefront of changing this situation for the better. If you print this letter, I'll happily donate my fee. Jane Bull,

I've often felt that doctors too often dismiss patients as neurotic. At one stage, I suffered from painful and heavy periods, which had got steadily worse. My doctor told me I should go on the pill, but I knew something was wrong. Eventually I went to hospital. Within two days, doctors had operated and uncovered a huge ovarian cyst—if it had burst, I could have been left infertile.

It was a salutary lesson for me. I'm so glad I took measures into my own hands. Suzanne Roswell,

Golden slumbers

Yet again we hear talk of a magic sleeping pill ("Get the Sleep You Really Need"). But rather than always tampering with

told ypU W111

Plenty of sufferers from hypothyroidism remain undiagnosed for years

our brain biochemistry, surely it would be better to identify the causes of sleep deprivation in our society and develop more natural solutions.

Dr Hari Nawal,Bedford

Give God a chance

So A C Grayling ("If I Ruled the World") is in favour of "encouraging greater secularism", is he? Yet more proof, if needed, that intelligence breeds its own stupidity. Christianity, despite the crimes committed in its name, has been instrumental in

Make money by writing in! £50 for the letter of the month, £30 for all others. See page 6 for details.

delivering the democracy and civil liberties that much of the world enjoys today. We should remember that extremism is a human trait, not a religious one.

Tim Fox,Beckenham, Kent

Turn on, tune in

Like Sharon Morrison in "A Reader's Story", I've recently discovered a radio station that has made me feel young again. Lastyear I started driving a minibus for a local junior school and the children persuaded me to play Heart Radio Somerset during the trip. So far it's been a great success—it's lovely to hear the kids singing along to the Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga and Lily Allen.

The only downside is havingto listen to the inane chat of the DJs in between.

Bernard Gill,Somerset

Access all areas

Reading "What Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You" reminded me of the time we took my elderly uncle on holiday with us. As we passed through the security

Send us your pet photos!

Summer is in full swing and even our pets are keen to hit the beaches, as this month's photo from Nicola Warner in St Albans, Hertfordshire, delightfully shows.

"Doris is my brother's chihuahua, who celebrated her first birthday in May," writes Nicola. "She may be a tiny thing, but she has a huge personality. She's

Travelling 10mph slower than most lorries is a recipe for road rage

check, the staff requested that my uncle remove his belt. He duly did so, allowing his trousers to fall to the floor—and revealing his nether regions to the whole queue!

As we were rushed through by giggling staff,I asked my uncle why he wasn't wearing underwear. "I only had enough to last the ten days away," he replied.

Chris Herodotou,

Life in the slow lane

It's all very well to "squeeze 50 miles from a gallon" in order to save money on petrol ("1,001 Things"), but advising people to travel at 50mph on motorways and dual carriageways is questionable. It would mean travelling 10mph slower than most lorries—as these drivers have a schedule

also rather a nosey dog. She always wants to see what's going on and isn't averse to getting up to a bit of mischief— especially with my mother's potpourri!"

lfyou want a photo ofyour pet to be published, send a picture plus details to readers letters@readers digest.co.uk.

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to keep,they would be pulling out to overtake more often and blocking the outside lane. It's a recipe for road rage. Instead, I would suggest buying a car with a more frugal engine. Brian Cave,

Birds of a feather

The letter "Feathered Friends" in your April edition sparked memories of moving into our current home. I was in the kitchen when I heard a "tap tap" at the back door. Opening it, I saw two blackbirds on the doorstep. To my amazement, they remained there until I gave them some bread.

"And then I remembered Lady Devere's Facebook status, which said she was 'covered in blood, what a mess, lol'..." I later learned that the previous owner had fed the birds every morning and the to stop air escaping. Proper CPR should also "tap tapping" was a regular occurrence. be performed-30 compressions at 100 Samantha McKeating, per minute, then two breaths with the chin up, repeated until an ambulance arrives.

Getting

it

right

Florence Schechter,

As afirst-aider with St John Ambulance, I was alarmed by "So You Think You Know RD:A full CPR when someone isn't What to Do in an Emergency?". It's breathing is indeed the correct procedure. misleading to sayyou should "place your The phrase "placeyour hand over the hand over the nose" when someone isn't nose"was intended to mean blocking the breathing. Instead, you must pinch the nose airway. Apologies for any confusion. e t C;

DO YOU HAVE A TASTY RECIPE? Maybe a quirky gardening or beauty tip? Or perhaps some health advice? If so, we want to hear from you.

We welcome reader contributions to all our regular columns. It's a great chance to see your name in print—and earn some money in the process. We pay £50 for all published submissions to Health, Beauty, Food, Drink, Gardening and Wildlife Watch (see p6 for details of more familiar contributions). Drop us an email at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk.

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Stunning scenery, mouth-watering seafood and 5,000 years of history are waiting to be discovered on the beautiful Channel Island of Guernsey. Experience a unique environment where French and British influences meet, where you'll order your meals in English and pay for them in sterling, and where inspiring cliff walks and gentle strolls on golden sands are never far away.

Flights take as little as 45 minutes from Gatwick and not much longer from any of 13 regional airports. Fast ferries take around two and a half hours from Poole and Weymouth and a traditional ferry sails from Portsmouth. For a free

A IT'S 111.1 TIME

...SEE

The Edinburgh Festival

FringeThe experimental little brother of the festival proper has a whopping 2,453 shows this year. The quality can be hit and miss, but rising comic stars Kevin Bridges and John Bishop will be hot tickets, I Bought Richard Hammond's Underpants on eBay has the best title, and the numerous street entertainers (right) ask only for a small donation.

Epic docudrama

The Wildest Dream retraces the steps of George Mallory, who, in 1924, tried to be the first man up Everest. Eerily, this cinemabound film was the last time narrator Liam Neeson and his wife Natasha Richardson (Ruth Mallory) worked together before she died in a skiing accident last March.

...PLAY

in a mass mess-about The kids will reclaim the streets on August 4 with the National Children's Bureau's annual Playday. The charity wants to highlight the restrictions placed on kids' ability to have fun in the heart of their communities—thanks to traffic, adults who assume they are yobs, and more—so it's encouraging

TIME TO...

LISTE'\!

Radio 2's Stuart Maconie's

pick of the recent

music releases

Beneath This Burning Shoreline by Cherry Ghost thaiton.Simon Aldred had been serving a quiet apprenticeship in Lancastrian bands before a wonderful romantic ballad called Mathematics in 2007 propelled him into the consciousness of right-thinking people. His second album has more resonant songs about love and place, sung in a pleading tenor that is frankly irresistible.

United Nations of Sound by RPA and the United Nations of Sound more sensitive Gallagher brothed ;agingwith classic-Pra Stones "Mad Richard" Ashcroft, as we rather unkindly knew him at theNME, came to fame in Wigan's leading Britpoppers The Verve. His new, suitably multi-racial group takes the things he does well—anthemic, vaguely philosophical musings—and adds a bit of soul muscle. people to stage play sessions in town centres.

Confirmed highlights include a pirate-themed water funday in Hull's Queens Gardens and thousands of children converging on College Green, Bristol, to enjoy everything from drawing to adventure playgrounds. For details of what's going on in your area or to find out how to organise your own event, visit playday.org.uk.

Praise & Blame by Tom Jones Think The Voice singing like an Alabama tenant farmer. With loo million albums sold,you could forgive Tom for resting on his laurels. But, ever since his priapic reading of Prince's "Kiss", he's been keen to experiment. This is abrasive porchfront blues in the idiom of The White Stripes. Even when the songs are ordinary, Jones' pipes give them a raw, carnal edge. Maybe not one for Mum this time out.

...CELEBRATE

the best that Yorkshire has to offer August 1 is Yorkshire Day,with various events promoting all that the locals love about the area, from the Dales to parkin. But what has this confident county ever given the rest of us? Well...Stainless steel.Jarvis Cocker. Jane Tomlinson (battled terminal cancer to raise £2 million for charity).The mousetrap (invented by Leeds' James Henry Atkinson).Compo. Catseyes (Halifax's Percy Shaw).James Mason.The Bronte sisters.Judi Dench. Alan Bennett.William Wilberforce... Fair enough!

For those in lucrative peril on the sea

...COMFORT

The GCSE and A Level results may send a teen near you into despair. But at least you can reassure them that there are still some exciting jobs that aren't exam-dependent: Fireman.

High-class florist. Locapreneur. Local firms making anything from drinks to cosmetics are flourishing thanks to increasing mistrust of big corporations.

Celebrity chef. TV presenter. Alaskan crab fisherman. Drowning in the frigid Bering Sea is a risk, but you can earn £10,000 a month. Video-games tester.

..DRINK BRITAIN'S WEIRDEST BEERS

The coveted Campaign for Real Ale's Champion Beer of Britain awards are announced on August 3. The specialist class is a battle to use the oddest ingredients. Get in the mood, with Camra's selection of past winners and contenders: Umbel Magna (Nethergate). Flavoured with coriander.

Chocolate Orange Stout (Amber).

Contains Curacao, orange peel and chocolate malt.

Fine Raisin Beer(Cains).

Fraoch Heather Ale(William Brothers). An ancient Gaelic recipe using the upland shrub. Espresso Beer (Darkstar). Coffee beans are mixed in with the hops.

...GET READY FOR

mini-breaks for musos

Middle-aged men with large, earnest record collections

rejoice: music-themed holidays no longer just mean ballroom dancing at Butlins. Talking Bob Dylan.Rock writer Michael Gray invites people to his home in France (below) to discuss

TIME TO...

the whiny poet

laureateofofpop. bobdylanautumn.

blogspot.com

Guitar Weekends.Lake District-set courses in all the really tricky ways of playing, from jazz to django. guitarweekends.co.uk Folk Camp.Play and dance with other beardy souls at locations across the UK. folkcamps.co.uk

Bodhran Workshop, Farncombe Estate, Cotswolds.Master the drum beloved of Irish pubs. farncombeestate.co.uk

...READ

How the Girl Guides Won the War, Janie Hampton (HarperPress, £20)If you thought the Guides were just a bunch of "Ging gang goolie"-singing wimps,you owe them an apology. Hampton's book, which coincides with the movement's moth anniversary, reveals that the blue-clad teens played a vital role in the Second World War (even if they didn't quite win it). They dug bomb shelters, grew vegetables, raised thousands of pounds for the war effort and were amongthe first to enter Belsen, helping clothe the survivors. One group of expat Guides was even I interned in a Japanese POW camp in occupied China but, undeterred, set about running errands for the sick.

Jew 41th GIRL GUIDES WONTHE WAR

Never Eat Shredded Wheat, Christopher

NEVER Somerville (Hodder&Stoughton, £12.99)

EAT Too many Brits lack a basic geographical SHREDDED notion of our islands, reckons Somerville, WHEAT. author ofCoast,the book of the BBC TV series. To put things right, he's compiled a guide to Britain's landscape that includes such sadly obscure information as the fact that it takes two weeks to drive around Britain's coast, where all our major rivers flow to and from, and whatyou find in northern Scotland (it isn't all hills and bogs, you know).

How I Escaped My Certain Fate, I Stewart Lee

(Faber & Faber, £12.99)

The dour but hugely intelligent Lee is the most feted stand-up of his generation. Part autobiography, part exam: ination of his craft, his book has some of the funniest, longest footnotes in history (many go I on for pages), as Lee's mocking asides target everyone from Russell Brand to Joe Pasquale, but especially himself.

WHAT I'M DOING

RD reader Mike Anderson, 45, claims negotiator.

ReadingThe General by Jonathan Fenby. Charles de Gaulle comes across as a surprisingly admirable man in this excellent biography.

Watching Outnumbered, BBC-1. Beautifully observed. Imagine trying to remove your naughty child from a city farm while they shout "Stranger! Stranger!"

ListeningOne Life Stand,Hot Chip. They are geeks but their electropop is rather special. New Order meets Buggies.

Onlinerentacherry tree.co.uk. Only £4o a year and you pick the produce. We've got two. My fiancée Julia is making cherry pies for our autumn wedding.

Make a Difference Animal cruelty on holiday

Dancing bears, performing monkeys,laughing dolphins—just some of the tourist attractions you'll find abroad. But, behind the novelty, there often lies a catalogue of cruelty. According to wildlife charity the Born Free Foundation, thousands of animals have their jaws wired, teeth broken or noses pierced to make them safe for tourist photos.

The holiday spirit can make it hard to spot abuse. We might not notice the tranquillised lions in their cramped conditions at the local zoo or realise the donkey we're riding is malnourished—yet many of these animals are suffering for our entertainment.

So, how do you stop the misery?

Start by...Checking outthe record of attractionsyou may visit via internet travel forums, International Animal Rescue (iar.org.uk/),the Societyfor the Protection of Animals Abroad (spana.org), or The Captive Animals' Protection Society (CAPS) at captiveanimals.org. Askyour travel company to ensure that their itineraries don't include any activities that may exploit animals. Complain if they do. Then you can... Ifyou're approached on the street to have your photo taken with an animal, try to convey why you don't approve. On pony treks and donkey rides, check the animals are well-fed, uninjured and have access to water. Don't haggle, as they could be worked even harder. Taking it further...Document any mistreatmentyou've seen. Include as much information about the situation as possible and signed statements from other witnesses. Take photos or videos, too. Pass on the details to the Born Free Foundation (bornfree.org.uk) or CAPS. Helen Gent

The power of one

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING

tarters for 600

A huge Blackburn dinner party helps poor kids thrive

If you want something done, goes the saying, ask a busy person. That certainly applies to Sofia Esa and Latifa Umar from Blackburn. Sofia, 41, is a mother of five and a carer for her disabled father-in-law, while 31-year-old Latifa, a mum of two, has her own printing business and is practice manager in a dental surgery. In spite of this, the two women have raised thousands to help make a Malaysian boys' home the pride of its local community.

When Latifa moved into Sofia's street five years ago, Sofia told her how her father Abdul Rehman Dakri, a clothing retailer, and mother Mehrun had recently retired to Malaysia. Eschewingthe quiet life, they'd opened Rumah Aman, a home for 30 primary-school-age children whose fathers had died or whose families were too poor to support them. The couple were relying on four staff, volunteers and their own moneyto keep it going. The children were well dressed and fed, but more financial help was essential.

Keen to do something truly worthwhile

with her spare time, Latifa suggested that she and Sofia raise the money. They decided to organise an annual dinner event for Muslim friends and family in a local restaurant. The 150 guests bid for goods such as designer clothes donated by Latifa and Sofia's business contacts. The event raised £5,000.

The nextyearthe two women decided to ramp things up, with stalls run by local shops, from boutiques to food warehouses. The pair tirelessly publicised the event with posters and calls to local media. Word spread outside the Muslim community and soon the pair were forced to rent a marquee to fit all their guests in.

The event is now a major date in the Blackburn social calendar, attracting 600 people over two nights. As well as making individual donations of up to £8,000 to the home, guests also offer their time. Football coaches and English teachers have been to Malaysia to help the boys."We've now got a swimming instructor who's burning to get out there!" says Sofia.

The £90,000 raised has helped equip Rumah Aman with kitchens, more staff and flood defences (it had been swamped several times during monsoons). The boys have enjoyed everything from family fun days to martial arts lessons, and several have won scholarships to local schools. When Latifa visited, she was struck by how disciplined the children were. "You wouldn't think they'd been deprived. I hope my boys turn out like that!"

Never too busy to help: working mums

Sofia (left) and Latifa

The next dinner is planned for October and funds raised will go towards building a second home that will house 60 children. Latifa and Sofia are already "hammering the phones" and canvassing sponsors—and everywhere they take their kids over the holidays, a pile of flyers goes as well.

> Sofia and Latifa were jointly honoured as Woman of the Year in the North West's Fusion Awards in May.

For the Rumah Aman blog, visit rumahaman.blogspot.com.

Phone, a friend

Mobiles are giving jobless youngsters a high-tech future, thanks to Iris Lapinski

Chatting to your friends, playing games, even using GPS to find your way round—mobile phones have many uses. But Iris Lapinski has taken them an empowering stage further.

The 31-year-old technology consultant >

Iris Lapinski thinks that Apps for Good could be her true vocation

has developed Apps for Good, a course teaching unemployed youths how to create applications for smartphones (such as the iPhone) that provide communities with information and give their creators an introduction to working in IT.

The idea came to Iris last summer. She had been asked by the Brazilian organisation Centre for Digital Inclusion (CDI)—which supplies computers to poor people worldwide to give them access to education and community networking—to launch a project in the UK. PCs and local websites aren't in short supply here, she realised, but mobile apps

would be a great way of distributing information among disadvantaged youngsters and getting them involved in a burgeoning industry.

So, this April, she welcomed nine young men onto the first CDI Apps for Good course in Tulse Hill, south London, and gave them each a phone.

The eight-week course produced three promising apps, including one that helps young musicians find recording studios and another giving advice about going to university. Aaron Sonson, 23, from Croydon, developed the third with two other students. He'd been regularly stopped by police, so his Stop&Search app tells youngsters their responsibilities and rights, with the aim of defusing trouble.

A second Apps for Good course has just begun and Aaron is one of several former students helping. "This is a great opportunity," he says.

Do you kno w of inspiring st ories in your comm unity?

If so, please email the details to th eeditor@ readersdig est.co.uk.

Iris has agreed to turn her short-term CDI contract into a full-time job, developing new projects and expandingthe apps course nationwide. Abandoning her corporate work means a big pay cut, but Iris feels ideas like Apps for Good are worth it. "It's not far from being my true calling," she says.

FAMILY. FRIENDS... MACMILLAN?

Is there a place for us in your will?

When it comes to making a will, it's only right that your family and friends come first in your thoughts. These days, however, many people also like to find a place in their will for a cause close to their heart. Macmillan Cancer Support, for instance.

A gift in your will could give someone living with cancer in the future just what they need when they're having a bad day. That might be the emotional support of a Macmillan nurse, the listening ear of our telephone service, or financial advice when they're forced to take time off work. But whatever your gift provides, it will help turn a bad day into a good day.

To find out more about the vital difference you can make by leaving a gift to Macmillan and for essential information on wills and legacies, request a copy of our free will booklet. Fill out the form below, call us now on 0800 107 4448 or visit www.macmillan.org.uk/legacies

No,really!

YOUR TRUE-LIFE TALES

> A young colleague at my TV company applied for a junior role in the frantic, competitive world of the newsroom. She spent several days brushing up on her interview skills, but after her interview, she returned to her desk and moaned, "We had to do a current-affairs test."

"How doyou thinkyou did?" I asked, hoping to cheer her up.

"I just wrote at the end of the page that I didn't perform well under pressure," she replied.

Anna Andrews,Eccles, Greater Manchester

> As I sat in the waiting room at my doctors' surgery, I watched ayoung mother try desperately to control her three boisterous young children.

"They're not a very good advert, are they?" she groaned apologetically to no one in particular.

A gruff voice behind me muttered, "Only if you're advertising contraceptives, love."

Barbara Wootton, Newcastle-under-Lyme, Staffordshire

My friend's mother died recently.

Naturally, my friend was very upset.

The next day, her little daughter turned to her father and asked, "Why is Mummy crying?"

"Well, it's because Granny died," he explained.

"But that was yesterday," said the little girl.

Mary Bartolf, VVokrtghan

My husband and I were talking about lovebirds and how they are 100 per cent faithful to their mates. My young son overheard and added,"...as long as they're locked together in the same cage".

Geena Sumner,

"Honestly, you're such a zombie in the mornings"

> Our vicar has a reputation for being rather long-winded. During one sermon, he was droning on when a large plant fell over behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Someone had clearly tipped the priest off about our feelings for his verbosity. Smiling sheepishly, he said, "Well, that's the first time I've actually put a plant to sleep."

David Berger

> I was staying at a friend's house in northern Scotland when, one night, I heard an intruder break in. I lay frozen in bed not sure what to do.Were we in danger? Should we try toattack him?

My friend had a more pragmatic approach. In a strong Isle of Lewis accent, he shouted from his room. "Come in and make a cup of tea. I'll be through in a minute."

The intruder ran off into the night empty-handed.

David Holdsworth

r hatS ye r be4;;...% o

0 Koor,A

Ho is r914ss (leo svAre A fe? 0 r

£3' 5L;1"

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We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look, I'm a genius!"Laura Sandoval

My sister is alwaysgettingher words mixed up, but a recent mistake was particularly traumatic.

I'd won four tickets to the local dog track and phoned my sister to see if she and her daughter would like to accompany me and my daughter Jane.

"She's in the next room introducing her new boyfriend to the family," said my sister. "I'll go and ask."

Fifteen minutes later, I got a call from a very irate niece demanding to know what I was up to and how could I humiliate her so in front of her new love?

Apparently, my sister had walked into the sitting room and announced, "Would you like to go dogging with auntie Margaret and cousin Jane?" V Davies,

New Ibuleve Speed Relief Spray

Word power

This month sees the National Eisteddfod, the annual congress of Welsh bards, take place in Blaenau Gwent. How many Welsh words do you know? Pick the correct definition—A, B or C—to find out whether you're more Gavin or Stacey cromlech

(lech—the "ch" sounds the way Scots would pronounce the "ch" in "loch")n

A:remote sheep shelter.

breastplate. C: thicklipped fish.

flummery

n

A:empty compliments. B:shed. C: nervousness.

coracle n

B:tomb made with large stones. C: bass voice. .. ............ .... A: narrow ladder.

CWM (coom) ../ 411E %... B: hermit's staff. n A: valley. I Cover star %. C: small wicker- Martin Freeman's B: bread oven. work boat. i favourite word? I C:pretty girl. '''., "LOVE" / crachach n bathadj

A:harsh-sounding.

A: drystone wall. ..• ......... .••••

B: Welsh upper B:jagged-edged. C: small. classes. C: bubbling stream.

wrasse (rass)n

A: fiery rage. B: metal

A WORD IS BORN

Nonliner

Gorsedd (gor-seth)n

A: garden boundary.

MOWMill

A nonliner is someone who never, or rarely, uses the internet because they don't have access to it. The word was invented as a follow-up to an onliner—a regular web-surfer. The term has been employed more in recent months, in the light of a campaign to encourage four million British nonliners to go online. Headed by internet guru Martha Lane Fox, the campaign aims to help the less well-off by giving them cheap access to the web.

RD RATING Useful?9/10 Likeable?4/10

B:council of Welsh druids. C:wet sand.

corgin A: shortlegged Welsh dog. B: police car. C: duffel coat. cawl(cowl) n

A:steeply arched bridge. B: aggressive question. C: meat-andvegetable soup.

kistvaen

(kist-vane)n A: church pew. B:jilted man. C: stone chest.

crwth (crooth) n

A:stringed instrument. B:coffin. C: doorway.

flannel

n

A:poisonous herb.

B:woven fabric. C: table leg.

cynghanedd (kern-hanneth) n

A: untidy garden. B: tightly wrapped scarf. C: rhyme. bara brithn

A:sea defence. B:Welsh fruitcake. C:millpond.

Answers

cromlech—[B]a tomb made with large stones. "The cromlech had one huge stone teetering on two smaller ones."Crwm (arched) and liech (flat stone).

2, cwm—[A] valley. "The farmhouse was buried at the bottom of the cwm."

bach—[C]small. "Richard Burton referred to his small father as Dic Bach."

4.wrasse—[C]thick-lipped fish. "The wrasse has strong teeth and is brightly coloured."Gwrach (old woman).

flummery—[A]empty compliments. "He hated the flummerythat came with being a Hollywood star." FromIlymru. coracle—[C]a small, wickerwork boat. "The coracles spread their nets along the estuary." Fromcorwgl.

crachach—[B] Welsh upper classes. "Ffion Hague is a leading member of the crachach."

Gorsedd—[B] council Ho of Welsh druids. "They held Did Yo the Gorsedd before the Eisteddfod." Originally 12-13 meaning throne or mound.

corgi—[A] short-legged Welsh dog. "The Queen particularly likes corgis." Cor (dwarf) andgi (dog).

10.cawl—[C]meat-and-vegetable soup. "She put bacon in her cawl as a finishing touch."

More Word Power on the Web!For more vocabulary-buildingfun online, go toreaders digest.co.uk/wordpower.

Word Journey

Penguin may come from the Welsh pen (white) and gwyn (head), even though penguins have black heads. In fact, "penguin" was first used for the Newfoundland Great Auk, before it was applied to what we think of as penguins —Great Auks also have black heads. Other explanations include the Latin pinguis (fat) and pin-wing, referring to the birds' rudimentary wings. But the Welsh derivation is the most likely—an unobservant birdwatcher is to blame.

kistvaen—[C]stone chest. "The kistvaen was divided up into chambers." Cist (chain) and faen (stone).

12.crwth—[A]stringed instrument. "Heplayed his crwth like a violin."

s us here ou're a pow ardl res y wordwiz

3.flannel—[B]woven fabric. "His flannel trousers were too hot for Swansea in August."Gwlan (wool). cynghanedd—[C] rhyme. "Dylan Thomas avoided using cynghanedd."

15.bara brith—[B] Welsh fruitcake. "The bara brith was piled high on the plate next to the cakes." Welsh bara (bread) and brith (speckled).

Word Power is written by author and journalist Harry Mount. If you have a word-related question or language teaser for Harry, please email theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk.

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Not if, but when

GARY RIMMER

SENDS BACK A POSTCARD FROM THE FUTURE

Your electricity bill this morning was 50p

• By around 2075,paying quarterly utility bills will be an old-fashioned idea: a throwback to a time of scurrying clerks transferring handwritten meter readings from one ledger to another. In a WiFi- and Bluetooth-enabled world, the technology already exists to enable real-time payments. There's no reason why utility companies can't directly monitor how much of their "stuff' a household is consuming as it uses it.

So in the future, expect not bills but accounts. And be prepared to let utility companies stream micro-payments from your bank asyou use their "juice".

No cheer for beer

• Forget any impending oil shortage—by2020the real worry is that we could have run out of beer. When biologist Craig Venter synthesised an entire microbial genome earlier this year, it was an insight into what he hopes to do next: create photosynthetic algae that can convert atmospheric CO2 into petrol—the oil shortage and global warmingtackled in one! It could mean a Nobel prize for him and vast algal lagoons for us. The world consumes 85 million barrels of oil daily, equivalent to a lake two inches deep covering over 62,000 square miles peryear.

And why might this mean a beer shortage? With some brewers already switching their fermentation capacity to lucrative drugs, they might end up brewing fuel instead.

Built by robots? No,from robots

• Quantum dots are tiny crystals that improve colour quality in LCD screens and digital cameras. Expect them in gadgets later this year. They're a new breed of programmable materials—including, further down the line, claytronics—being developed at Carnegie Mellon University in Pennsylvania. (Remember the Arnold Schwarzenegger film with the bad Terminator who reshaped himself at will? That's the idea behind claytronics.)

Moulded from nanoscopic robot components called catoms,they may one day be used to self-assemble anything from a chair to a house.By around 2030youcould have a door key that can morph into a knife and/or an MP3 player.

If I ruled the world...

WAYNE HEMINGWAY

...I'd give town planners more power.At the moment developers can overrule planning suggestions, and that's got to change. The areas where we live have such an influence on our sense of self; if you live somewhere with space to kick a ball, where you can walkyour kids to school and neighbours look out for each other, then you've started to build a community. When we design estates we look at the landscape first and the architecture last.

...I'd try to narrow the gap between rich and poor. Highertaxation isn't what the public wants—but it's a fact that countries with the highest taxes also have the lowest crime and suicide rates. There's less of what David Cameron calls "broken society"; those who feel they have no chance of achieving their potential. It results in a nihilistic group of people—and they cost countries a lot of money.

...I'd re-examine university funding. Students are encouraged to borrow and are left with a millstone of debt. I'm from a single-parent family and lived in a rough tower block in Blackburn but I did well at school, so the council funded me through grammar school and university. But in this

climate there's no way I'd have gone to university; I wouldn't have wanted to get into debt. Yet without that help I wouldn't be where I am now. We need to help low-income students— so long as they want to do well.

...I'd make councils own some of the shops in our towns.That way they could

Wayne Hemingway OBE is one of Britain's most acclaimed designers. Red or Dead, the fashion label that he and his wife Geraldine set up in the Eighties, was sold in 1999 in a multimillion pound deal. They now run Hemingway Design, specialising in affordable and social design. He's also a co-founder of Vintage at Goodwood, a unique festival combining music, fashion and culture this August at Goodwood, West Sussex.

lease them to people trying to start businesses. It would make our high streets much more diverse. Our second Red or Dead shop was in Covent Garden—we paid £65 a week rent. Today that site is £7,000 a week. I feel sorry for young people now; the rich have understood the value of real estate and bought out our towns.

...I'd make cycling safer. I don't subscribe to the view that business suffers in towns without cars. Copenhagen has made the car a pariah, yet it's the most liveable city in the world. Cycling makes you appreciate your surroundings, causes no pollution, getsyou places quicker and means you can eat more!

...I'd restore a sense of community to the Premier League.When I watch Blackburn Rovers, I love to see boys from our hometown. I'd like every team to have three to four players from the local area—it would restore pride to the community. How can anyone support a team of 11 mercenaries?

WORLD TRAVELLER

Who's doing what around the globe

Imagine looking up and seeing a garden. It sounds wacky, butUS architects Rafaello San Fratello's Migrating Floating Gardens (MFGs) will mean just that. Providing greenery for urban environments, MFGs consist of plants suspended from GPS-controlled dirigibles (light aircraft) . The dirigibles move around, bringing oxygen to greenless spaces. They refuel at night, ready for another day's work.

Children get bored with their toys. Parents buy new toys. Children get bored with new toys...Sound familiar? Well, inCANADAit's history, thanks to Lucky Duck Toy Box. It rents out toys for newborns to five-year-olds at walletfriendly prices—but don't panic, all toys are cleaned after and before rental.

InGERMANY,designer Frederik Podzuweit is putting music back on the table for the hearing impaired. His Music for Deaf People Collar uses membranes that resonate in time with music, with bass at the back of the neck, mids on the shoulder and highs and controls at the front.

13 COUNTRIES, ONE QUESTION

Caroline Hutton

Brazil was the only country to pick the internet—only 35 people per

100 use it, whereas in the UK and the US it's 72. And women are more likely to forgo TV—more voted to do so than men in all but four countries..

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Instant expert

THE FIRST GULF WAR

August 2 marks the 20th anniversary of Iraq invading Kuwait, the spark that ignited the First Gulf War. Iraq, which owed huge debts to Kuwait after the Iran-Iraq war, had claimed sovereignty over Kuwait ever since Iraqi independence from Britain in 1932.

After Saddam Hussein's invasion, the UN imposed economic sanctions on Iraq. The US president, George Bush Snr, followed up with plans fora military coalition of 34 allied countries, led by the US. After America and

and the UN backed military action on the grounds that the invasion was illegal and Saddam Hussein had committed human rights abuses. The ground war began on February 23; the first allied troops into

Saudi Arabia, Britain made the biggest contribution. Their military response, under General "Stormin' Norman" Schwarzkopf, began on August 7, when US troops massed in Saudi Arabia. But the aerial assault didn't start until January 17, 1991, after Iraq failed to withdraw from Kuwait.

Both the US Congress

Iraq were three SAS patrols (including Bravo Two Zero, the subject of Andy McNab's best-selling book).

The first priorities were the destruction of the Iraqi airforce and the country's anti-aircraft facilities. Iraq started firing Scuds into Israel the day after the aerial assault began—Saddam's

hope was that Israel would be drawn into the war and the Arab states would refuse to remain in the coalition.

By February 26, Iraqi troops started to retreat from Kuwait, after setting fire to the country's oil wells. The columns of Iraqi troops were sitting ducks for the coalition—the bombed road became known as the Highway of Death.

The victory was quick,

with a ceasefire declared on February 28. But debate still rages as to whether coalition forces should have continued into Baghdad to remove Saddam from power.

Overall casualties are hard to determine. The coalition lost 569 servicemen. Iraq is thought to have lost 20,000-35,000 civilians and military personnel. •

Why Martin Freeman reckons

playing the sidekick in new BBC drama Sherlock beats Hollywood every time

ry an greying at t e temp es, arctin Freemanis coiled in a chair at a West End members' club enthusing about Sherlock, a modern-day interpretation of the famous detective story.

The 38-year-old plays Dr John Watson, an army doctor invalided out of Afghanistan and the flatmate of arrogant genius Holmes, a "consulting detective" who helps the police when they're of their depth. >

BY ANDREW DUNCAN

FISK

"John Watson is very pukka and traditional and lends a moral framework to Sherlock [played by Benedict Cumberbatch], who's more interested in the chase than in what's right or wrong," says Freeman.

"I was freaked out on my first visit to Hollywood"

But, despite his willingness to talk about his latest starring role, the actor who got famous playing nice guy Tim Canterbury in BBC sitcom The Office seems to be one of those unusual creatures: an actor without a huge, celebrity-lifestyle-influenced ego who's capable of self-mockery.

He doesn't drive ("I've never taken a lesson. There are better things to spend money on"); his main indulgence is collecting Motown records on vinyl; and he lives in Hertfordshire with his partner, actress Amanda Abbington, and their two children, Joe and Grace. They are reportedly five and one, but he declines to confirm their ages.

"Obviously they're what I'm proudest of, but when I grew up I thought all actors were [private] like de Niro. All I've read about him is that he likes black women. These days you have to know everything, and it's tedious.

"I can be as frivolous as the next person, but I'd rather not make a career out of celebrity. When I go to a showbiz event, that's four hours of my life lost. If people make a fuss over me, I just think, You should get out more. I don't have spectacularly low selfesteem, but I'm not delusional. I'm just about worthwhile.

"I thought actors were dodgy until I hung out with stand-up comedians. They're pathologically egotistical and make us seem like selfless wallflowers by comparison. I don't want to be around people who can't shut up. I guess they're insecure, but isn't everyone—unless you're mental or boring?"

Freeman began his career in lowbudget films and episodes of The Bill, This Life and Casualty, until the success of The Office in 2001. At first, he feared being unfairly typecast as

1.1F r FTER DESK...

Tim-style characters—lovelorn losers—but now he's reconciled. "Why fight it? It's helped me a lot and I'm resigned to being asked about it for ever. At least I don't get punched in the face for being a soap villain."

He needn't have worried. Since The Officehe's played many dark characters, including a frustrated call-centre worker who commits rape in the 2001 Channel 4 drama Men Only. He's also had a variety of other TV roles, in ITV comedies Hardwareand Boy Meets Girl, and more than 20 films, such as Love Actually and recent thriller Wild Target.

But although he's acted in USfinanced films—including playing Arthur Dent in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy—he hasn't taken the Hollywood route like The Office's creator Ricky Gervais. "I'm not surprised he's done well. They like gall and what they perceive as British cheek, straight talking, irony and sarcasm. He's always sailed pretty close to the wind, so good for him. I dreamed of a Hollywood career as an 18-year-old sitting in the bath, but

dreams and reality are very different.

"I thought naively that if I was any good it would happen, but I was freaked out on my first visit to Hollywood in 2004 when The Office won a Golden Globe [for best TV comedy]. It's on its own planet, not even like America. I've got to grips with it a bit more now, but the logistics don't suit me—I'm English, have a family and like it here. Please God, I have a few years left, so I don't know what will happen. But you need to be emotionally ready to up sticks, and I'm not.

"If I began to like it out there, I'd think I was going mad, rather than chilling out and not having a chip on my shoulder. I give myself chips. It's my way of keeping myself in check There's a streak in me that says, 'Life is not all great. Keep vigilant."

This could be a result of his childhood. Born the youngest of five children and raised in Teddington, west London, his parents split when he was five and his father died of a heart attack when he was ten. Perthes disease, a childhood illness that

Left to right: The Office (2001), The Robinsons (2005), as Rembrandt in Nightwatc hing (2010)

causes the hip bone to soften, meant he walked with a limp.

"It only really hit me later. At ten I was small, had a dodgy right leg, asthma, my parents were divorced and my dad was dead. There was a Tiny Tim aspect to me, but I didn't want people to feel sorry for me."

"Talent gets overlooked in favour of whiter teeth"

As his condition improved, he became a talented squash player and made the national squad, though he gave up at 14. "I didn't have the discipline. It goes from being pleasure to work quite quickly, then becomes a job and is no longer fun. Acting is still fun, thank God. I haven't played squash for more than 20 years and I'd have a heart attack if I did."

At 15, he joined a Teddington youth theatre. "It was an outlet for my showing off. Also, I thought I could bring down the Thatcher government with the power of my acting. And I did. A mere five years later she went. You tell me that was coincidence. I think I hoped actors could have some influence."

Far from being a straightforward Mr Nice Guy, Freeman admits with a pleasant smile to having an inner rage and being a political activist as a young man. "I sold Militant [a Socialist Party newspaper] on the street. My politics have dissipated into anger—not about anything specific, but a lot of things, a lot of people. Anger is a useful tool. I

don't mean smashing people over the head, but our British cynicism keeps a check on bulls**t. It's not a bad thing to have a social conscience, although I've never wanted to go into politics. I'd be scared. You name it, I'd ban it

This would probably include marriage. "Modern society is so informal, but I get asked why I'm not married as much as I do about The Office.I believe in love above all—but that doesn't mean marriage. If you were looking at it as a business proposition, the evidence ain't great. I've seen couples who are very happy for years and, six months after they marry, it's over."

Originally, Sherlock was a one-off 60-minute pilot, but that was scrapped, (at an alleged cost of £800,000) in favour of three 90-minute episodes. "I loved the pilot and thought, 'Why mess with it?' but the new scripts [by Doctor Who veterans Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss] are some of the best I've done. Benedict is a brilliant Sherlock. It's a prime-time slot and has a populist touch, without being c**p."

He is unapologetic in his praise for this latest British drama. "We're an odd country—culturally and politically—in that we don't celebrate ourselves. Ricky Gervais has said we haven't made a good film for 50 years, so he's not the most supportive person.

"However much we respect Ken Loach or Peter Greenaway, even smart people who should know better are excited when Tom Cruise comes into the room. It's Beatlemania; girly stuff. "I've never said British comedy is the

best in the world, because I don't think it is. Are you telling me that the Marx Brothers, Sid Caesar and Harold Lloyd weren't funny? There are millions of Americans with loads more money—as well as being the most creative and desperate people in the world—so it's not surprising they hold cultural sway. But it's disillusioning when talent in this country gets overlooked in favour of someone with whiter teeth.

"If an actor has a huge bank balance and 53 cars, good for them. They're a great business person, but their work may mean nothing. I have much more in common with Tom Courtenayone of the people who made me want to act as a kid—than someone who

SnapS chott

can buy planet earth four times over. Freeman tries to be scrupulous in choosing his work. "I always ask myself, `How honest are you being taking this job?' On my deathbed, I want to know I've done the right thing, so I turn down a lot. Life's too short to do c**p. The things I'm proudest of haven't been widely seen, such as The Robinsons [a six-part 2005 BBC2 series about a frustrated actuary] and Nightwatching.

"If you can crack being enjoyed by more than 53 people in work you're proud of, then you're living. Sherlock is in that category. Unless I've messed it up..."

Sherlockwill be coming to BBC1 soon.

What's on the Box?

by Ben Schott

Gone are the days when BBC 1 and 2 accounted for half the television audience, and ITV scooped up the rest. Nowadays the TV market is shared by a host of providers, as data from the Broadcasters' Audience Research Board shows:

Ben Schott is author of Schoni Almanac • www.benschott.com

Dancers and slogans honour the state's founder Kim il-sung as a "Great Sun"

It's history, but not as we know it-complete with _1,000 backflipping toddlers and human-powered animation. Welcome to North Korea's Mass Games...

North Korea has quite a reputation. Its nuclear programme, alleged funding of terrorism and—most recently—accusations of a torpedo attack on a South Korean warship have ruffled the international community's feathers and compounded the communist state's self-imposed isolation.

Yet in the last ten years, the communist government has allowed a trickle of tourists and a few closely monitored journalists into the country. Keen to prop up its feeble economy, it even grants one-off visas to tourists from its bitter capitalist rival America.

That's because North Korea is gaining a reputation for something altogether different from the aforementioned nuclear programme and torpedo attacks...and it involves schoolchildren in leotards.

4).1011 -

Of the fewer than 2,000 Westerners who visit the country each year, nearly all come for the Arirang Mass Games—according to Guinness World Records, the largest gymnastic and artistic performance in the world. It takes place from August to October each year, in the 150,000-seat sports stadium in Pyongyang, North Korea's capital. It includes painstakingly choreographed routines—celebratingthe state's 62-year existence, international defiance, "prosperity" and legendary founder Kim il-sung—performed by 100,000 singers, children, gymnasts and army cadets. Behind them is the show's most impressive spectacle—a grandstand full of thousands of children who turn cards in unison, creating enormous images ranging from smiling babies to war scenes. I should know—I was there last year...

PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!

Our man takes a ringside seat

Mytourist party is accompanied at all times by a guide and a security official, both of whom could get into serious trouble if it's discovered that one of their party has written an unauthorised article (but luckily, Iam allowed to take photographs).

When we arrive at the stadium, our guide informs us that we should smile but remain silent if the state TV camera is pointed at us, and that we are not to do anything that could be deemed disrespectful to the regime. We are here not just to be entertained, he emphasises, but for a history lesson. Every night for the last two months, tens of thousands of local spectators have been educated and re-educated on the trials and tribulations of North Korea's history.

Now it's our turn.

The games begin with a sunrise that plunges into darkness, marking the Korean peninsula's Japanese occupation from 1910-1945. Women solemnly march in nondescript smocks as cards are flipped in sequence to create animated flames surging across the stand. Suddenly, a bright light is hoisted skyward and ignites a torch at the top of the arena. My guide tells me this represents the ideological awakening of Kim it-sung, future revolutionary leader and Eternal President of North Korea.

Next, boys in jumpsuits wave red flags as Kim assembles comrades to stage the post-World War Two revolution. Women dance with pink flowers; the Korean People's Army is founded. Flip cards flash stirring battle scenes—the communists take on the Japanese invaders. There's

blood, tears and, with an orchestral crescendo, liberation. My guide wipes a tear from his eye.

But, actually, we've barely begun. Cue trumpets, drums and baton-twirling as hordes of soldiers take to the field to exhibit the nation's improving armed forces. This culminates in the North invading South Korea to "achieve reunification". They're pegged back as blue-clad US forces intervene—but then red Chinese troops join the communist cause and suddenly the 1950 Korean War is underway, with military marches, flashing flip-card bombs and gasping spectators.

The sun rises over North Korea's mountains at the start of the epic games

A mesmerising card animation shows the armistice being signed, the peninsula is carved in two and the North celebrates its victory over the invading imperialists. The flash cards display sickly chocolatebox paintings of grinning toddlers, while thousands of the genuine article backflip their way across the stadium.

And so it continues, with smiling animated peasants and dancing chickens symbolising the nation's growing prosperity. It's all leading up to the big finale, where thousands of dancers come

together to form the Korean Peninsula, before two of them break rank to embrace—the longed-for reunification of North and South Korea.

The crowd erupts and my education is complete. I exchange a glance with a fellow wide-eyed Westerner, and then we're herded into the gift shop.

The Arirang Mass Games is a clumsy propaganda tool. It lauds the "achievements" of Kim it-sung and his son and present leader Kim Jong-il in holding off supposed oppressors Japan

and America, and in building a "thriving" economy (which, in reality, is plagued by regular food shortages and power cuts).

But, if you can bringyourself to put the politics aside, few would dispute that this hour-and-a-half-long show, with its vast army of performers—most of whom have trained for years—is an incredible achievement. It is, without doubt, the most astounding, breathtaking extravaganza I've ever witnessed.

The author of this article has asked to remain anonymous.

MANYPEOPLETHINK BLEEDINGGUMS ARENORMAL.

THOUGHT ONLY ONE SEX GOT CERTAIN DISEASES? THINKAGAIN!

BY ELIZABETH ADLAM

Some health problems deal you a double whammy. It's shocking enough to find you have a serious disease, but when you're hit by something you thought only affected the opposite sex, there's added stress. You feel "different", isolated and in denial—as these readers discovered.

MEN GET BREAST

CANCER TOO...

g: The bombshell came on December

a 19,2003:that's when 53-year-old David Wrigley from Huddersfield learned he had

a breast cancer. "I'd never even heard of

men getting breast cancer—that was the CC biggest shock of all," he says.

CC It's easy to see why. "Breast cancer is 0 rare in men, but it's the most common

cancer in women," says Cancer Research UK's Martin Ledwick. When set against the 45,500 women diagnosed and 12,000 deaths each year, the 300 new cases of male breast cancer and 90 deaths get lost in the statistics. "But the symptoms are the same for men and women," says Ledwick.

Survival rates are similar for both sexes: caught early, 85-90 per cent of patients live for at least five years. Tragically, because of widespread ignorance, many men seek help too late, so chances of survival plummet. "It's vital that men don't delay in goingto their doctor if they spot anything unusual, such as a lump, swelling or discharge," says Ledwick.

Breast-cancer survivor

David Wrigley

It was July 2003 when David felt the lump below his pectoral muscle, but he didn't get it investigated until October. "I'd had lumps removed before—the result of playing a lot of sport—so I just thought it was one of those. I was also very busy at work," he says. "My GP sent me for a check-up, but didn't seem worried." But at the hospital, after a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy, everything went into overdrive. "Nobody mentioned cancer. Even after all the tests, I still hadn't twigged."

On January 4, 2004, David underwent a mastectomy—the most common treatment for men, who have less breast

"I'd had lumps removed before—the result of playing a lot of sport"

tissue than women. Sixteen lymph nodes were also removed. "The surgeons had to scrape away three-quarters of the pec muscle because the tumour had attached itself to it," says David.

The biggest risk factor for male breast cancer is age, as it is for women. Other risks include: high oestrogen levels resulting from gonadal dysfunction; obesity; excess alcohol; Klinefelter's syndrome (a genetic condition involving an extra female chromosome); and exposure to radiation. A specific breast cancer gene—usually a BRCA2 mutation—accounts for ten to 20 per

cent of men who get breast cancer.

Treatments for men and women are similar. They're based on the grade and stage of the cancers, and whether they're oestrogen-receptor-positive (90 per cent of men's are). David's grade 3 cancer (the highest grade) was very aggressive. "After the mastectomy, I had the lot: six sessions of chemotherapy and 25 sessions of radiotherapy, followed by tamoxifen.

"My biggest problem was finding someone in the same boat as me," he says.

"When I finally found a fellow sufferer,we agreed we felt sidelined—with no specific information for men and no help.

"I know I've been very lucky. But although I've been cancer-free for sixyears, I've only recently started planning;you just don't know how long the future will be. And I keep checking, just to make sure."

Breast Cancer Care, breastcancercare. org.uk, 0808 800 6000; Cancer Research UK, cancerresearch.org; CRUK Cancer nurses, 0808 800 40 40

AND OSTEOPOROSIS

A recent project by Cardiff University'sBone Research Unit found that 75 per cent of men with "lowtrauma" fracture (a broken bone after a minor bump) dismissed suggestions of osteoporosis. "That's something women get," was the response.

True. But although osteoporosis is more common in women, one in five men over 50 will break a bone because of it—and younger men can be affected, too.

Men's disregard for osteoporosis

can be compounded by low awareness in health professionals, as Robert Rees from Pontypridd found to his cost. On holiday in the Dominican Republic in June 2002, he was dancing with his wife when there was a loud bang like a gunshot. Rees felt as if he had been hit from behind by a sledgehammer, and fainted from the excruciating pain. When he recovered consciousness, he couldn't feel his legs. X-rays showed a spinal crush fracture, with "damage so bad that a doctor thought I had fallen three storeys into an empty swimming pool". After tests back in Wales, all the expert talk was of bone cancer. No one mentioned osteoporosis.

It took nine months for Rees's severe spinal osteoporosis to be diagnosed—reassuring at the time. "My relief was short-lived when I was told I had the bones of an 80-year-old," he says. "I was only 43!"

"Robert Rees is a classic case of professional lack of awareness leading to delayed diagnosis," says Dr Michael Stone, Rees's consultant physician and Director of Cardiff University's Bone Research Unit. "When a crush fracture like this happens with no real trauma the first thought should be osteoporosis."

Men with a family history of osteoporosis tend to have lower-than-average bone mineral density, putting them at risk. Other causes are low testosterone levels;

long-term corticosteroid treatment for asthma or rheumatoid arthritis; and heavy alcohol consumption. Hyperthyroidism, and coeliac or Crohn's disease (conditions that affect nutrient absorption) can also result in osteoporosis.

However, about half of male sufferers, including Rees, have "idiopathic" osteoporosis, with no known cause.

Treatment of osteoporosis aims to relieve pain, halt further bone loss and rebuild bone. "There are very effective treatments for women that are also licensed for use for men, but not all of them are available to men," says Stone. "This is discriminatory, and we'd like to reverse it."

Research suggests oestrogen may play a key part in maintaining the male skeleton—and there are drugs being developed that may treat oestrogen deficiency in men. "Oestrogen levels in men are considerably higher than levels in post-menopausal women," says Stone. Manyyounger men with osteoporosis—in their thirties, forties and fifties—have aggressive osteoporosis, which women don't get in the same way. Experts don't know why.

Ageing is the biggest risk factor for both sexes—some experts believe we are storing up problems in years to come with our sedentary lifestyle, says Stone.

To help prevent osteoporosis, choose

a diet rich in calcium and vitamin D; take weight-bearing exercise to strengthen bones—jogging, tennis, brisk walking; don't smoke (it inhibits bone-building cells); and stick to a moderate alcohol intake. "Small changes can help to keep bones healthy," says Rees. Dr Stone advises any man over 60 who has a low-trauma fracture to have a DXA (Dual Energy X-ray Absorptiometry) scan to check out bone density.

Women are bombarded with material on the menopause and brittle bone disease. Men need to be aware that osteoporosis can happen to them too, and that they are not alone. "It was such a relief to talk to someone who understood the condition," says Rees. "I felt a lot more in control because I understood."

The National Osteoporosis Society, nos.org.uk, 0845 450 0230

AND WOMEN GET GOUT

It's subjective of course, but gout —the most common cause of inflamed joints—is said to be the most painful type of arthritis. Most varieties cause chronic pain on a daily basis, but gout isn't like that.

"Gout is usually sudden attacks of

excruciating joint pain, accompanied by redness, swelling and tenderness," says Dr Edward Roddy, consultant rheumatologist at Arthritis Research UK Primary Care Centre at Keele University. "Classically, patients go to bed pain-free and wake the next day in agony. Patients commonly report not being able to put afoot to the floor, or not being able to bear the weight of a single bed sheet. It's very, very dramatic."

This is exactly what happened to 64year-old Margaret Heath from Werrington, Stoke-on-Trent, five years ago. "I didn't know what had hit me," she says. "At first I thought I must have stubbed my big toe and broken it." But her GP diagnosed gout.

"I was amazed, as I'd never heard of another woman with gout," she says. "I didn't even realise that women could get it."

But they can and do. Although gout is predominantly a male disease—six men to every one woman—women suffer more than most people realise.

The reason for the misconception? As far back as 4 BC, Hippocrates observed that women don't get gout before the menopause. Men get it in their thirties and forties, but women tend to get it most often in their sixties.

Why gout? "We've all got a substance called uric acid in our blood," says Dr Roddy, "but some people have too much, and crystals form that lead to inflammation around joints. In time, people get tophi—lumps of uric acid crystals just under the skin—on elbows, fingers and toes. The most commonly affected joint in the early stage is the bunion joint in the foot. Butyou can also get it in other joints, such as ankles, knees, fingers, wrists and elbows.

Uric acid levels tend to be lower in premenopausal women: the drop in oestrogen makes their levels similarto men's, Dr Roddy says. That's when women get gout.

There are lots of risk factors. Family history is one, but lifestyle factors are also important: how much alcohol you drink; being overweight; and having a diet rich in purines—natural substances found in red meat and seafood. Other medical factors are important: high blood pressure; kidney disease; and certain medications (especially diuretics, which many people take).

All these points apply to men. In women, however, family history and lifestyle factors are less important and medical problems are more significant. Margaret Heath has no family history of gout and no lifestyle triggers, but she has heart disease, impaired liver function and only one kidney—and takes a lot of medication.

There can be differences in the presentation of the disease, too. Men tend to have regular attacks over several years and develop tophi later. Women more

commonly present with tophi early on. Margaret Heath developed one of these lumps on her right toe within the first couple of years of her gout's onset.

But it is curable. This is an important message, says Dr Roddy. Treatment for both sexes is twofold: to reduce inflammation and arrest the attack; and to lower uric acid levels to prevent attacks.

"The problem is that many people don't want to take a tablet every day for something they regard as an intermittent problem," he says. "They need to be made aware of the possible progression of the disease." For some, the removal of risk factors will work, but for most, it's not that simple.

The British Society for Rheumatology says that two or more attacks a year is the threshold for considering long-term treatment. And as most gout sufferers are managed in primary care, it's key to notifyyour GP, so he or she can treat you appropriately. This could make a huge difference.

Arthritis UK, arthritisresearchuk.org, 01246 558033

Don't come and play

This is a photo of a children's play area in a five-star hotel in The Gambia. It did make me wonder how exactly the kiddies were meant to get to it.

Submitted by Daniel Ross, Spitat, Wirral

She was a young woman killed by the South Africans she was trying to help. But her death wasn't in vain

BY ANGELA NEUSTATTER

A single cross marks the site of Amy's death in Gugulethu

LINDA BIEHLWASRETURNING TO HER HOME IN CALIFORNIA,in good spirits after a shopping trip with her son Zachary on the afternoon of August 25, 1993. The memory remains starkly imprinted.

As she walked into her house the phone was ringing. "It was my eldest daughter Kim calling," Linda says. "She just said: 'Amy is dead... Amy is dead.' "

Amy, the vivacious 26-year-old daughter of Peter and Linda Biehl, was in South Africa when she died. She was a Stanford scholar, and her subject was sub-Saharan Africa. During a visit to South Africa, Amy heard Nelson Mandela talk of how vital it was that non-white people should be free.

Inspired, she got herself a scholarship to the almost entirely black University of Western Cape. There, she worked with future political leaders and created voter programmes for South African blacks, as well as helping people at grassroots level.

Over the next few days, the Biehls learned details of what had happened through phone calls, emails, letters—and from a media that found the tale irresistible. A beautiful young woman had taken on the African cause, but had been killed by black freedom fighters.

Indeed, Linda recollects, her composed voice cracking: "Amy would tell us that blacks killing whites were only doing what had been done to them for so long under apartheid."

But that compassion didn't protect Amy on the fateful day when she was driving three African friends to their home in Gugulethu, one of the most deprived townships in Cape Town. As she arrived she was confronted by a mass of some 300 black teenagers blocking the road.

All were members of the youth branch of the radical Pan African Congress (PAC) and had returned from a demonstration full of excited energy. They were fuelled by their mission to kill the enemy, voiced in their chant of "one settler, one bullet". All whites were seen as settlers.

The young men saw Amy through the car windscreen. She was white—and so a target. They hurled stones at the car; one broke the windscreen and hit Amy. She struggled out but was hit on the head by someone with a brick. She

tried to run but was stoned to the ground and then stabbed fatally in the head.

A SIMPLE WOODEN CROSS HANGS BESIDE THE PETROL STATION AT

GUGULETHUTOCOMMEMORATEAMY AT THE SPOT WHERE SHE DIED. Gugulethu consists of a cluster of corrugated iron shacks and brick shelters. Children squat in the gutters, playing; adults of unfathomable age shuffle past. It is far from the images of South Africa that World Cup visitors were encouraged to see.

It's home to Ntobeko Peni. He and his friend Easy Nofomela were found guilty of Amy's murder.

On a scorching afternoon on a recent visit to South Africa, I was taken by Ntobeko to see the cross; he and Easy had agreed to talk to me about what happened. It is something they have refused to do so far, finding it too painful. But they would do it, he said, to honour Amy's parents Linda and Peter, who had granted them the gift of an extraordinary act of reconciliation.

It's an act that even today, 17 years on, is seen as so significant that this year, the now-widowed Linda was awarded the European "Unity is Strength" Anti-Discrimination Award, in Amsterdam.

Soon after the killing, Ntobeko and Easy (both now in their thirties), were arrested for Amy's murder and sentenced to 18 years each in prison. The Biehls didn't feel triumphant, but they did feel justice had been done.

"From then on," Linda says, "the thing for Peter and me was making Amy's

death seem less futile." So they set up the Amy Biehl Foundation in the US, to raise money for a programme of education and activities for disenfranchised young black people in townships in Cape Town.

But then, in 199Z they learned that their daughter's killers were asking the new government's Truth and Reconciliation Commission to give them amnesty as political prisoners.

The Biehls, plunged back into the

Amy during her time in Cape Town

overwhelming confusion of that moment: "My life had been shaped by apartheid; I had seen my parents' impotence in the face of terrible treatment by white people. At school the Afrikaaner police regularly came and shot the students, calling them terrorists. But here were white people we had hurt so badly saying that we should be given a new start. I thought it was a trick."

Ntobeko's reaction was more dramatic: "They can't be biological

Nelson Mandela on Amy Biehl:

"She made our aspirations her own and lost her life in the turmoil of our transition as the new South Africa struggled to be born in the dying moments of apartheid. Through her, our peoples have also shared the pain of confronting a terrible past"

emotional turmoil they had experienced after Amy's death, didn't know what to do. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who had become a friend, suggested they attend the hearing and speak "from the bottom of our hearts about Amy", Linda adds.

Ntobeko and Easy, sitting opposite, thought this was all "white man's propaganda". Then they heard Peter tell the court that he and Linda believed the killers should be released and offered education and rehabilitation.

Easy tenses up remembering the

parents. I could never do such a thing." (Both men now have children of their own. They are protective, saying only that Easy has one daughter and Ntobeko three, all born in the past decade.)

THE BIEHLS'ACT OF RECONCILIATION WAS NOT ABOUT FORGIVENESS OR SELF-HEALING.

Linda says simply, "It was our way of honouring Amy."

They thought the amnesty would be the end of things. But once the men were released, after nearly five years in prison, they asked to meet the

Easy Nofomela at Amy's memorial and Linda with Easy (left) and Ntobeko

Biehls. Ntobeko, in his quiet voice, explains, "What happened was a turning point for me. I thought if this family can do such a thing, then I have something to learn. But first I must disengage from political activism with the PAC."

Easy, whose voice is harder as he insists on explaining the political background to the PAC's actions before going further, then, too, becomes gentle. "I just wanted to apologise to these incredible parents and tell them how much I wished I could bring Amy back."

The Biehls who, by this time, had set up a base for the Amy Biehl Foundation in Cape Town to expand their work, met with Ntobeko and Easy. "They didn't want to know about Amy's death, but about how and why Easy and I had become political," Ntobeko muses.

LINDA SHARED

AMY'S

WRITINGS

WITH THEM, AND THIS TOUCHED EASY DEEPLY:"We grew to know Amy and to appreciate that she and her parents are whites only in the colour of their skins. With their actions, Peter and Linda also made it possible for us to forgive ourselves."

The young men made it clear they would be interested in working with the Amy Biehl Foundation. After leaving prison they had set up their own programme taking inner-city youths out of town on walking, swimming and climbing expeditions. Ntobeko says: "We have black rule now—but there are still many problems and a lot of disillusionment. Our young people need help in making the most of their abilities and learning to have pride in

themselves, otherwise they may turn to violence as we did."

The two were offered jobs with the foundation as van drivers. They have since worked their way up to become highly respected leaders in the community school they helped to build; it offers education, art, physical exercise, and leadership programmes, as well as drama, dance and clubs for learning

about growing food and looking after the environment.

Kevin Chaplin, director of the foundation in Cape Town, explains: "These men are at the heart of our work with children aged five upwards who are in the townships where there are gangs, drugs, unsafe sex and hugely negative influences. They are wonderful role models. They train other mentors, and they bring the young people in."

Then Chaplin pauses before saying: "I have no doubt that if Easy and Ntobeko had been given the kind of help we offer they would not have killed Amy."

But even though they did, and the pain of Amy's loss cannot be taken away, Linda tells me how she and Peter came to care for, and believe in, the two young men ever more as they got to know them. When Peter died of cancer a few years ago, Linda says, their support was "heartwarming". They welcome her to their homes with open arms when she is in South Africa, and she has had them over to visit her family in America, too. Ntobeko and Easy give her the honoured name makhulu—grandmother.

Linda is pensive as she reflects on the past 17 years: "What Peter and I did was not virtuous. We simply knew Amy would have been disappointed if we had not done as she would have wanted. She saw herself as part of the same struggle as Ntobeko and Easy. By honouring that, Peter and I gained two very dear friends instead of being trapped for our lives in anger and hatred."

>> To find out more about the Amy Biehl Foundation, visit amybiehl.org.

This month, the Red-eyed tree frog in Belize

The Red-eyed tree frog (Agalychnis callidrya) sleeps by day, hiding its brightly coloured eyes from hunters. When disturbed, it flashes its red peepers to startle predators—and niftily springs to safety.

Areyou up to speed on the technology that's changing everyday life?

By George Cole

TECHNOLOGY TODAY

WHAT'S HOT & WHAT'S NOT

Mark Twain once said that the only certainties in life were death and taxes. If Twain were alive today, he might want to add another item to his list: the pace of technological change. The ways in which we shop, spend money, listen to music, watch TV and receive information are being totally transformed. Over the next ten years, many of the things we do today will be consigned to history, as the technology that supported them heads for the great techno-scrapheap in the sky. So what will we be saying goodbye to, what will be taking its place—and what are the pitfalls to watch out for?

HOT ELECTRONIC PHOTO ALBUMS

Some digital-photo albums sit on our home-computer hard drive, while others are placed in online libraries such as Flickr. The great thing about electronic libraries is that they make it easy to share photos with friends or relatives—or even the world. Photos can also be electronically tagged, so it's straightforward to index and find specific shots. Electronic photo frames can store hundreds of images and display them individually or as a slide show.

NOT PHOTO ALBUMS

No more stacks of albums or shoe-boxes full of snaps that hardly see the light of day. Just as film cameras have largely been replaced by digital models, so traditional photo-storage systems are being supplanted by digital alternatives, which make it easier to find those holiday pics.

HOT MOBILE PAYMENTS

In Japan, consumers can already use their mobiles to purchase goods from selected retailers—users simply swipe their mobile handset over a scanner and funds are transferred from the owner's bank account. European and US banks and retailers are planning similar services.

Many small cash payments will be replaced by smart cards equipped with short-range radio technology. When making a purchase, you will simply hold your smart card in front of a scanner and the payment will be made.

In this world of digital payments, more secure ways of identifying ourselves are required, so expect to see the growing use of biometric ID systems, which use fingerprint and facerecognition technology. Biometric passports are already in use.

HOT SUPER-FAST BROADBAND

Seven out of ten homes in the UK now have a broadband connection and most home networks use Wi-Fi wireless technology, which means no trailing cables round the house.

Bluetooth, a shortrange wireless system, is also used by many devices, including headsets, keyboards and computer mice.

NOT SLOW INTERNET

Remember the days when going online meant a squawking modem box and snail-pace internet speeds? The arrival of faster, always-on broadband has changed all that, but within five years, today's broadband will be the electronic equivalent of the horse and carriage as superfast services arrive.

MIEZIEWP

NOT CHEQUES

The chequebook could become a collector's item of the future. The Payments Council wants cheques to be phased out by October 2018— provided an alternative system is available.

Only three per cent of retail transactions are now made by cheque. In 1990, we wrote 2.4 billion personal cheques—this year, the figure is expected

HOT DOWNLOADS

to be 600 million. What's more, many retailers have started to refuse cheques and many of us now prefer to use cash, debit cards or pay online.

This is linked with the need for more up-todate identification systems. Instead of signing for a credit-card transaction, we now

machine. But this is just the start of a number of forthcoming ID systems that could make the signature obsolete. Even cash isn't immune to change. It still accounts for 60 per cent of all transactions, but 80 per cent of those are for less than £10. The Payments Council forecasts that cash will be used for less than half of all transactions in five reach for the chip and PIN years' time.

NOT CDs AND DVDs

Online music retailers such as Apple's iTunes are doing a roaring trade—of the 150 million singles purchased in the UK last year, 98 per cent were downloads. On the back of that has come a new type of audio system, with the home stereo being replaced by PCs with music libraries or iPod docking stations.

Super-fast broadband (see left) will make streaming music and video services over the internet even more irresistible, as we'll be able to download feature films in a few minutes.

For decades we've been listening to music on discs—first LPs and then CDs. But sales of discs have been falling steadily for the past six years in succession as we switch to other ways of listening to or purchasing music. The mighty DVD is feeling the pinch, too—DVD disc sales fell by almostsixper cent lastyear. Film and video companies hope the Blu-ray disc will tempt us to replace our DVDs with a superior system that offers even sharper picture quality. But the jury is out. >

HOT EVEN MORE BUYING ONLINE

We can already pay our TV licence and utility bills online, and the trend for online payments and shopping will continue to grow rapidly. Over 51 per cent of British adults shopped online in the

first three months of this year—many of us clearly enjoy the convenience of clickand-buy.

We'll also spend more time online using mobile devices such as smartphones. These

BUT BEWARE!

Movingto the online world offers convenience, for sure, but it comes with the risk of your computer being targeted by viruses and Trojan horses—rogue programs that can disruptyour computer or steal personal information, including passwords. Using a good anti-virus package (eg, Norton or AVG) will help prevent any damage, be wary of fake bank or store websites, and don't click on email links—always type the web address into your web browser window.

are combined mobile phones and computers that use wireless technology to connect to the internet. Smartphones contain a cutdown version of the web browser found on home computers; just click on it to go online from almost anywhere.

With a smartphone, you can use systems such as location-based services. Want to find the nearest post office or restaurant? These use satnav technology to provide you with useful information on the move.

Wireless networks can be hi-jacked by others unless they are made secure. And as more of our lives move into the virtual world, the danger is that we'll come to agrinding halt the minute our broadband connection goes down.

There's also the question of all those who don't have internet access. In the UK, more than six million people over the age of 65 are not online.

And then computers can crash, puttingyou at risk of losing valuable data, such as the family photo library— unless it's regularly copied or backed up.

Another problem with fastchangingtechnology is that future

NOT HIGH-STREET SHOPPING

More of us are shopping online for items such as books and records, which is changing the face of the high street. In 2004, there were about 780 independent record stores—now there are fewer than 300.

High-street book sales were down seven per cent last year dropping to only 55 per cent of the market. Most observers expect Internet book sales to take the lion's share soon.

HOT READING DEVICES

Books, newspapers and magazines won't disappear, but e-book readers and devices like the Apple iPad will account for a fair share of our reading (download this issue ofReader's Digest for FREE at store.apple.com/ uk). Life will never be the same again.

NOT OLD LISTENING AND VIEWING HABITS

generations might not be able to access files like our digital snaps, because their formats have become obsolete. Even archiving images onto compact discs and DVDs could create problems, because no one knows how long those formats will last.

The e-book format wars mean you can't read most e-books on different e-book readers. Another issue is digital rights management (DRM) technology, which stopsyou from copying or sharing e-books—so no more passing on your finished paperback to a friend or charity. And technology is never foolproof. Even the best biometric

Radio is switching from FM analogue to digital, with digital services offering a wider selection of radio stations. The way we watch television is also changing, thanks to digital recorders and "TV on demand" services includingthe BBC's iPlayer.

ID system is not 100 per cent accurate, so you could find yourself unable to withdraw money or even travel if a biometric system misidentifiesyou.

Finally, of course, there's the small matter of having to read through a mountain of instruction manuals in order to learn how to use all these new technologies...

>> Author George Cole writes about science and technology. His work has appeared on The Register website and in national newspapers such as the Financial Times and The Daily Telegraph.

A MIDDLE-CLASS FACTORY WORKER, A.ONIVERSITY GRADUATE FROM KENT

r AND A MILK-BAR OWNER'S SON?

THE STARS OF ZIPPOS CIRCUS AREN'T WHAT YOU MIGHT EXPECT...

R IL UP.

The heady smell of popcorn mingles with sawdust. Spotligh Children s beam funnels of bright colour across the ring floor. wave flashing lights that blur into neon Catherine wheels. One boy, his face painted like Spiderman, clutches a cloud of pink candyfloss four times the size of his head. The renowned Zippos Circus has arrived in Croydon, the latest of almost 100 UK destinations this year.

Ringmaster Norman Barrett MBE (left) peeks through the thin slit in the tent. lie's backstage, taking the pulse of the crowd. Britain's most famous exponent of his art slips

PHILIP FISK

WORDS BY NICK MORGAN

on his trademark red jacket and slides his fingers into spotless white gloves. Around him, artists are warming up: clowns check props; acrobats stretch. Then, suddenly, it's go. Cue music and bright lights. In the ring, showgirls wave, clowns chase each other and acrobats leap through the air.

Norman steps centre stage and proclaims, "My lords, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Zippos Circus." Children teeter on the edge of their seats. If the 75-year-old seems like the sort of showman who was born to be in the circus, he was. His father ran a show and Norman's first act was at 12 with a performing goat (he now has an act with budgies).

But not all his fellow performers arrived at the big top by the decades-old circus-family routes you might imagine...

ALEX THE CLOWN

Life changed for Alex Morley shortly after his fifth birthday.His mum, a cleaner, and his father, an architect, took him to see the circus in his hometown of Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. "I saw a clown up on stilts and that was it. That's all I could think about; all I wanted to do."

His parents indulged this fad and let him dress up to perform for friends. But the fad didn't go away—word spread of his talents and, by the time he was 14, people were paying him to joke and juggle at their birthday parties.

A careers teacher asked him what he envisaged for his future. Alex explained. The teacher leaned forward, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Don't you want a proper job?"

So, after his GCSEs, Alex did get a proper job—in a paintbrush factory. But that was

Cheers of a clown: Alex Morley's antics are a huge hit with the kids

only to save money. At 17, he had reached the entry age for the Academy of Circus Arts (ACA), a Zippos-funded travelling school that expects students to give public performances almost as soon as they join. The course covered everything from mime to trapeze, but Alex's true calling remained.

Now 20, he is a "new clown" at Zippos. His nose is a blob of red, but his make-up is light—not the sinister look you'd associate with Stephen King's It.

Today, when he takes to the ring, his boyish frame and shock of blond hair make him an instant hit with the children.

Another clown tries to squirt him, but Alex dodges the water, outsmarting the opposition at every turn. Alex is loving it—every molecule of his body and soul is living out his childhood dream.

"I want to do this for ever," he says. >

YIN AND YANG

Backstage Jian Zhang ("Yin") rests on a table and looks out at the audience. He's next up, and he'll be throwing a ceramic vase high into the air and catching it on the back of his neck, bending his knees at just the right moment to absorb the weight.

"A strange way to make a living," he says in broken English—and a dangerous one, too. A split second out and the pot will crack his head open. But he knows it's the danger that thrills the audience. Norman Barrett announces, "Yin and Yang!" and Jian and his acrobatics partner QiangXie ("Yang") are on.

The pair, 25 and 23 respectively, have been friends since junior school. Growing up in Beijing, it was the done thing to have a traditionally Chinese hobby— so they both got involved in circus skills, later joining the Chinese State Circus.

On a visit to Britain lastyear, they led some training sessions at the ACA. By that Christmas, Zippos had persuaded them to take on relatively lucrative performance roles at a Hyde Park show.

China has its own distinct style of circus act, says Qiang. "We use everyday objects, hence throwing ceramic jugs and spinning plates."

The double act's next stunt sees them perched on a large round tablein the middle of the ring. They perform a series of acrobatic poses, then Yin's whole body weight is supported by Yang using just one arm. Next, Yin holds himself above Yang's head, again with just one arm. They are dressed only in short trousers and you can seethe enormous strain on their muscles; their bodies begin to shake with the sheer effort. But they don't flinch and they take the audience's applause with modest bows.

"Where we come from, acrobatics grew from a Taoist desire to perfect physical skill and mental concentration," explains Qiang.

If you go down to the woods today, you might just see Yin and Yang in spectacular midpose. But mind that dog, boys...

JACKIE

Acrobat Jackie Armstrong's parents are in the audience for tonight's show, something that used to make her nervous—but not any more.

The 25-year-old grew up in Lydd, Kent, amid the trappings of a conventional life with a civil-servant father and receptionist mother. She was an excellent trampolinist and graduated from Canterbury Christchurch University with a degree in theatre studies, but a life as a performer didn't quite grab her—until she sawCirque de Celebrite,the 2006 Sky reality show. / want to bethat girl up in the air spinning around,she realised.

She signed up for the ACA, but her parents couldn't take her decision seriously. It took nine months of her hard work and brilliant performances for them to accept that their little girl wasn't destined for something sensible in an office.

When it's her time to peform,Jackie enters the ring in red sparkly shorts and top to thumping dance music. A rope hoists her close to the tent's roof where she performs a complex routine of swings, twists and poses hanging by her ankles. "I fell once," she says. "There was a safety net. It spooked me for a while, butyou get over these things."

Tonight she is perfect. When her feet touch the ground the audience goes wild. "I love the applause and I love the circus. It's in my blood now. I'll never leave it."

MISS GEORGETA

Fellow acrobat Georgeta Milutin sits in the box office selling tickets."Three children,two adults," she confirms in a thick Romanian accent. Underneath her baggy red top is a leotard. Forty minutes ago, duringthe second performance of three this bank holiday Monday, she was doing the splits in a plastic bubble 30 feet up in the air.

"I was three when my parents sent me to gymnastic school," she says. Her talent was quickly spotted and, at 14, she was selected for the national junior gymnastics team, granting her family high status and a nice house in communist Romania. That changed in 1989 with the Eastern Bloc's collapse, but the new commercial freedom allowed her to set up her own gymnastics school at just 17—and buythe family a house of its own.

Awhile later, one of Georgeta's students hurt a bone in her foot. She was an acrobat at the state circus and begged her teacher to take her place. Georgeta felt too embarrassed to tell her parents. "But when I got home my mum hugged me and said how proud she was. I was bemused until she explained it had been on TV."

Renowned aerial artiste George Marinov spotted Georgeta and asked her to be his new partner. They performed in 16 different countries. She's been with Zippos for five years, but now, aged 36, she's planning a new life in Britain, tutoring.

"Last year I got a BSc in sports studies. I'd like to mentor theartists of the future." >

Jackie (left) and Georgeta enjoy a moment of reflection backstage

The brains behind the bonanza: Zippo impresario Martin Burton surveys his empire

MA R TIN "ZIPPO" BURTON

Zippos' owner Martin Burton leans back in his office chair, resisting the urge to put his feet on the desk, despite having built the biggest travelling circus in the UK. To his right is a collection of eggs with clowns' heads painted on them. "This is how clowns used to copyright their makeup," he says. "When a new clown works for us we have his face painted to add to the collection, so we keep the tradition alive."

Brought up in a milk bar outside the stage door of New Theatre, Oxford, the six-year-old Martin's first job was to take snacks to the actors. "I saw all the things you shouldn't see: showgirls in laddered tights smoking Woodbines."

Martin specialised in drama at teachertraining college, but when he went for a job, there were 350 other applicants. "I told my dad I'd take three years off to try some other things."

He'd become interested in clowning during his course and, to earn some money,

he began performing on Brighton beach as a clown called Mr Muscles who lifted fake weights. "I collected El 0 in ten minutes. My mortgage was only £70 a month!"

His next clown incarnation was Zippo, afire-eater (a college friend had taught him how to do this)."This was during the Vietnam war and the news showed the US troops all carrying exotic lighters. The name was contemporary and dangerous."

Martin formed a clown troupe and they started touring, but he dreamed of staging more elaborate shows. In 1980, with Arts Council help, Martin got sponsorship from BP for Zippos' first big top.

Zippos now has 60 performers and staff, a multimillion pound turnover and has toured the US and Asia. Martin rarely has time to clown these days—there's too much admin to wade through.

"I'm at mycomputerat 6am doing risk assessments on the dangers of horse poo," hegrins,his innerclownshowingthrough. ■

For details of Zippos shows in your area, visit zipposcircus.co.uk

This woman's job is to help people who've been hurt. So why would

In August last year, emergency ambulance worker

Suzanne O'Rourke had just treated a patient in Leyton, east London, when she was shot.

"I was returning to my fast-response car when I heard a noise followed by something hitting me hard in the back," says Suzanne, 40. "As I turned, I heard the same noise and the second shot hit me on the shoulder. I quickly got in the car, drove off and called for assistance."

She was only saved from serious injury because one shot was stopped by her stab-proof vest, while the

BY AMANDA RILEY-JONES

Suzanne O'Rourke with the stab-proof vest that may have

other grazed off her shoulder. Suzanne was so shaken she needed two days off to recover.

Ambulance staff are not the only ones coming under attack. According to the Department for Communities and Local Government, fire crews in England and Wales were subjected to 967 attacks in the year up to April 2008. But the Fire Brigades Union (FBU) claims official figures are "woefully inadequate". It says there are 40 attacks on crews every week and under-reporting could mean the real figure is twice as high.

In the same year, the NHS Security Management Service says there were 1,006 assaults on ambulance staff, with 1,240 the following year.

The rise in incidents could be partly

due to better reporting practices. But, says Jonathan Fox, press officer for the Association of Professional Ambulance Personnel, "There's a general consensus among ambulance personnel that the working environment is now more hostile than at any time previously, with paramedics facing escalating levels of violence on a daily basis."

Why is it happening?

"The highest numbers of attacks are in areas characterised by poor housing, poverty and few facilities," claims Matt Wrack of the FBU. "Boredom, alcohol and drug use all fuel the problems of youngsters in communities they feel are on the margins of society."

"THE CREW WERE SHOCKED"

Ed Case of the Stoke Area Command Risk Reduction team, Staffordshire Fire Service, describes an attack on firefighters in a deprived inner-city area of Stok on-Trent.

"In the run-up to Bonfire Night, a gang of ten- to 18-year-olds were running feral across four streets— attacking households, breaking windows and racially abusing an Asian family.

"Up to midnight, they were breaking into empty properties to remove fittings and make fires on a disused railway. Initially, the fires were small and th' kids would disperse when we arrived. But the fires started to get bigger and the kids became fearless they'd throw bricks, spit and verbally abuse us."

Ed Case of the Staffordshire Fire Service speaks of unemployment sometimes blighting several generations. "Stoke used to be a thriving town with the potteries. A young person could leave school with no qualifications and still get a job. Now 90 per cent of that industry has gone and the kids have no aspirations because their parents are struggling to get jobs themselves."

On two consecutive nights, a brick hit the fire engine. "The crew were shocked. If that brick had hit the driver, an 11-ton truck would have been out of control. It's very frustrating when you have a job to do, and it does feel like a personal attack."

John Cartwright, an officer from the Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service, who himself has come under attack from mobs of youths, believes there's

a lack of responsible parenting: "Kids have more freedom than they used to. We see a lot of children that shouldn't be out after dark and some parents are afraid of their teenagers."

He, too, believes boredom is a big problem: "Councils put so many people in a small space with no entertainment for the kids. They are then more likely to build a fire or be antisocial."

Ged Bailes is a consultant forensic clinical psychologist, based at the Forensic Psychiatry Service for East

"What

ambulance crews seem to be facing individuals with different problems. "What I hear from people working in the public sector, again and again, concerns the link between violence and alcohol," says Bailes. "Alcohol disinhibits people and changes how they interpret what's going on around them."

Tackling the problem

The Government brought in the Emergency Workers (Obstruction) Act in England, Wales and Northern Ireland

I hear from people working in the public sector concerns the link between violence and alcohol"

Anglia, who's run conflict management courses for the emergency services. He believes violence has become sensationalised and glamourised.

"Look at some of the content on YouTube and so-called 'happy slapping'. It can trigger aggression in people." He believes that some youngsters have a cartoonish view of the world. "They've watched violence on TV and don't realise that shooting or stabbing someone may kill them."

He points out that the loss of individual identity and diffused responsibilty in crowds leads people to commit acts they wouldn't do on their own. But while attacks on firefighters tend to be from gangs of disaffected youths,

in 2006, which can attract a fine of up to £5,000. It follows on from a scheme in Scotland and aims to tackle violence against emergency service workers in the course of their duties.

Inspired by the police force, the Association of Professional Ambulance Personnel initiated a campaign to help protect frontline ambulance personnel. It recommended robust reporting of incidents, conflict-management training and personal protective equipment, including stab vests.

When these were first issued to London Ambulance Service staff in 2003, a spokesman called it "a reactive step we have taken in order to protect our staff. We wish there were no demand

or need for body armour, but sadly there is. Our crews are being attacked while trying to save lives."

Jonathan Fox is saddened that only London, Essex and the South Western Ambulance Service Trust have issued staff with body armour. And since last December, the East of England Trust is no longer issuing it to new employees— despite rising numbers of assaults.

Fox says, "The major opposition comes from our management. The trusts provided the same old excuses: stab vests look provocative and convey

ambulance trust doing what I'm doing," says Dixon, local security management specialist for the ambulance services on the south-east coast.

His role includes keeping an up-todate register of dangerous addresses and making best-practice changes. "Last year we introduced the Airwave service, which the police use. Portable digital radios have now replaced our outdated analogue radio, so that staff can call for urgent assistance."

Dixon also acts as a liaison point between the trust, police forces, court

"It's only a matter of time before an ambulance worker is killed"

the wrong impression. We were urged to remember that our role was to treat patients, not to fight crime."

Shockingly, Fox predicts, "It's only a matter of time before an ambulance worker is killed."

At least ambulance trusts now keep registers of addresses where there's been a violent incident—so that ambulance personnel are forewarned and can request a police escort. The North West Ambulance Service Trust alone (Merseyside, Greater Manchester, Cheshire, Cumbria and Lancashire) has more than 3,000 such addresses.

People like David Dixon are hired for the task of keeping emergency crews safe. "Now there's someone in every

systems and other NHS bodies. His patch covers Kent, Sussex and Surrey. "I've been involved in 65 convictions where people have been brought to account where previously they would have got away with it," he reports.

"There's a changing culture now and staff who are assaulted or abused are much more ready to step forward."

In contrast, an independent report, conducted by the Labour Research Department for the FBU found that while some fire-and-rescue services have well-developed policies for tackling violence, others don't.

Tyne and Wear Fire and Rescue Service fire appliances and vehicles now carry "spit kits", for example, which enable staff to collect evidence and

"WE NEEDED TO MEET THE KIDS"

"The fire service used to be about putting out fires," says Neil Ashworth (left), watch manager at Burnley Fire Station, Lancashire. "Now it's all about prevention."

In autumn 2007, his crews came under a hail of stones and abuse from Asian youths for five consecutive nights when they had to put out bonfires in two areas of high ethnic tension.

In October 2008,Reader's Digest covered the initiative Ashworth took to reach an understanding with the youths. He recalls, "We needed 1- to meet the kids, without the engine and uniform. We liaised with the police and youth leaders, and ayoung colleague from Pakistan came with me.

"Many of these kids are from large families living in a two-up two-down. When the community centre is shut they've nowhere to go, so they build a fire and sit around chatting." For his part, he explained that while his crews were dealing with a bonfire, they wouldn't be able to help if one of their families was trapped in a fire.

"The kids said sorry. A few days later, we showed about 30 of them around the fire engines and half of them expressed an interest in firefighting! It showed the progress we'd made. We've not had an incident like that since."

Since then, Lancashire Fire and Rescue Service has run fire-safety courses for primary and senior school pupils. "We also run the Prince's Trust Team Programme, where 16- to 25-year-olds are introduced to team working and given skills that boost their work or further education prospects."

send it to the police to identify offenders. And over the last few years CCTV has been installed in fire engines. But the FBU claims much of the footage is unsuitable and many firefighters feel it undermines efforts to foster better relations with local communities. Matt Wrack of the FBU has said, "Good practice does exist, but it's patchy. So the FBU has called for a governmentled and funded national strategy."

Engaging the young

The long-term answer seems to be preventative work in the community. Like Neil Ashworth (see box above), Ed Case

has been working in youth intervention. "I go into schools with representatives from the police and the community safety department to do workshops with children from ten to 14.

"First, we educate the kids about the consequences of antisocial behaviour. Second, we carry out interventions such as Asbos and Acceptable Behaviour Contracts (voluntary agreements made between the child and the police, signed by them and their parents). Third, we divert kids with activities such as youth clubs and karate coaching, financed by the council and local businesses."

He reports massive improvements

as a result. "As a station, we haven't had an attack in 18 months. We've also had a 50 per cent drop in vehicle and empty property fires."

He stresses the importance of treating local areas on a case-by-case basis: "It's essential to have finance from central government. But you need to give local people, who have a

the fire service is. We're the acceptable face of authority," he says.

The service has recently started a two-day-a-week, six-week course called Fire Team Six. Cartwright says, "We get unruly kids who have been excluded from school standing to attention. We give them activities like raft-building

"There's no easy solution, but we have to address the issue of poor parenting"

knowledge of the area, the resources to make changes."

John Cartwright is just such a person. "Like a lot of these kids, I grew up in a bad part of Salford. A lot of my mates went down the wrong path. There's not enough for kids to do, so I like to give them another avenue."

He's chairman of the Fire Services Youth Training Association, which advises fire brigades on setting up youth programmes. It runs a range of programmes, including Community Fire Cadets—a two-year evening course for 13- to 16-year-olds at risk of becoming involved in antisocial behaviour or crime. Apart from learning firefighting skills, the course promotes selfdiscipline and teamwork, and includes charitable projects such as laying footpaths in a local park.

"When they're not alcohol-fuelled, young people listen to us. Where other services aren't reaching them,

and say that unless they play the game they can't continue. At the passingout parade at the end, you wouldn't recognise them as the same kids."

He recalls one difficult cadet of 15: "We had to try to control his swearing, behaviour, everything about him." When the boy's school told Cartwright he was on the verge of expulsion, he stepped in to mentor him. "I said, `If you're expelled from school, you'll have to leave Cadets,' and he started behaving," recalls Cartwright.

"He went on to represent the UK in a fire brigades drill competition in Austria. Once you peeled off the hard exterior, he was one of the nicest lads I've ever been in contact with."

Meanwhile, some experts are focusing on the generation above. Consultant forensic clinical psychologist Dr Derek Indoe says, "It's parenting that sets a young person's social norms." In partnership with Avon Fire and Rescue

Service, Indoe spent several years running courses for the parents of youngsters attending courses run by the fire service. "They all had problems—some had criminal records, drink problems or a depressive outlook," he says.

"One of the most important issues was for parents to realise how their own feelings, thinking and behaviour was affecting their parenting. They were taught how to set boundaries, handle stress, ignore behaviour they didn't want and reward good behaviour."

Game for a laugh

One father said that the course had given him "a kick up the a***" and enabled him to express more warmth and endearment to his family. One youth complained that his mother had started putting her foot down!

Indoe concludes, "There's no easy solution. But if we want to stop this kind of behaviour, we have to address the issue of poor parenting." Maybe that way our emergency crews can get back to focusing on what they do best: helping save people's lives.

The world of computer gaming has come a long way since the days of Pac-Man.Which is not to say that designers haven't taken the occasional surreal turn...

PaRappa the Rapper PaRappa is a rapping dog who wants to learn more raps. He takes instruction from, among others, an onion with a black belt, a talking frog and an Italian moose dictator called Mooselini.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney A courtroom role-playing game with a twist:you're able to commune with a psychic lawyer who advises you from beyond the grave. You even get to cross-examine a parrot.

Takeshi's Challenge "This game was made by a man who hates video games," proclaims thetitle screen. It's certainly not the most accessible—at one pointyou're told to do nothing for an hour. And the main villain needs to be hit 20,000 times in order to die.

Bible Adventures The holy book in computer-game form. Load the animals onto the ark, battle against Goliath and transport the baby Moses down the Nile (but don't accidentally drown him).

Bad Mojo Inspired by Kafka'sMetamorphosis (who says these games are dumb?),you play a scientist transformed into a cockroach, trying to find a cure while scuttling through a hostile landscape.

I remember

Ronan Keating, 33, on scary priests, being a dad, Saturday jobs and, erm, that early TV appearance

I remember...singing for my ma. Me and my brother Gary used to have singing competitions when we were little lads. We'd turn the house into a concert hall and perform a whole show for her. As soon as we'd finished, we'd start shouting, "Ma, Ma...who was the best?" She'd never vote for either of us, but made us both feel like winners.

...family holidays in Killarney.Getting all of us packed into Dad's Ford Escort was a laugh. There'd be my ma and dad in the front, my four brothers and sisters on the back seat and me squeezed up in the back window.

The world felt like a safe place back then. All five of us kids would disappear in the morning and we wouldn't get back to the b&b until dinner time. We all got on like a house on fire, but you could guarantee at least one or two fights every day. Either somebody had nicked someone's favourite pair of jeans, or somebody had got the best deckchair. Isn't that what families do—fight on holiday?

...taking communion.I was raised a Catholic, so I knew that communion was a major milestone. It was my big day. Sadly, when I look back on those early years, I realise how scared we were of the priests in our area—they wielded such an awful power over the community. The world now knows what was really happening and it's utterly disgraceful.

In my view, those people who covered up what was happening are just as bad as the ones who were doing it. I've got close friends who are priests and I know you can't tar the whole Catholic religion with the same brush. But

the wounds run deep in Ireland and it's going to take a long time before they're healed.

...the first record I bought was "Last Christmas" by Wham! George Michael has had his troubles over the years, but that man is an incredible talent. Thanks to my elder brothers and sisters, there was a fantastic record collection in the house. I was probably the only seven-year-old kid at school who was listening to stuff like Frank Sinatra and Cat Stevens.

...winning the All-Ireland Under-13s 200 metres race and dreaming of going to the Olympics. My brother had emigrated to the US on an athletics scholarship and I was expected to follow in his footsteps. Dad's nearly 70 now, but he still

runs on the beach every day. He was actually the Irish Veterans Champion over 60 metres. I guess athletics is in my blood.

...meeting the lads in Boyzone in October 1993. We were all there at the audition

but, of

course,

none of us knew whether we were going to be in the band or not. I was 16 and, if I'm honest, probably still had one eye on the athletics

The call eventually came through in November and my life was changed overnight. We were catapulted onto the Smash Hits Tour and every day was airports, hotels and screaming girls.

Angelface: Ronan on his confirmation day

...working in Korky's shoe shop, on Henry Street in Dublin. I was still at school at the time, but I got most of my education at Korky's. Just watching people and how the world worked. I don't think there's anything wrong with kids having a Saturday job—you learn to carry responsibility on your shoulders.

...our very first TV appearance. We managed to get a spot on The Late Late Show, which was the main TV show in Ireland. Unfortunately, it was so early in our career that we didn't have much of a plan worked out. The whole lot of us just danced around in the studio...badly!

There aren't many things I've done that make me cringe, but that minute of footage is going to haunt me for the rest of my life! [Sorry, Ronan, but if any readers haven't seen it, they can find the clip on YouTube.1

...getting to number one.These days, it's all about selling albums, but back in 1996 having a number-one single was really important. We were actually up at the Top of the Pops studio when we found out "Words" had got to the top. We had one hell of a hooley that night! We all had to be on a flight to Asia the following morning and there were one or two sore heads.

when she had her first. Next to that, 22 seems like a wise old man.

I'm convinced that being a good parent has nothing to do with age. It's about accepting the responsibilities that come with it. Some people are ready for that at 19, some at 22, some not until they're in their thirties. Jack, our eldest, is 11 now

I can't believe I've been a dad for 11 years. It makes me sad to see how

Get ready to cringe: Boyzone about to prove they can't dance on The Late Late Show

much childhood has changed. I could disappear with my mates and Ma would know I was safe, but if Jack goes out, I have to make sure he's got his phone with him.

...driving to the hospital at four in the morning after Yvonne [his wife, from whom he recently separated] went into labour.Eleven hours later I was a father! Looking back, Yvonne and I were very young. I was only 22. But my ma was 19

...losing my ma to breast cancer 12 years ago.Like any family, we really struggled to come to terms with it. There were a lot of bad feelings. Eventually, we decided to turn it into something positive, so we set up the Marie Keating Foundation. The idea is simple—education. My >

ma didn't really know about breast cancer. We as a family didn't know about it. If you can get information out there, you can save lives. There's recently been a six per cent rise in survival rates for breast cancer in Ireland, which is a huge step forward.

I've also been working with Cancer Research UK and I was proud to get an award from them last year. Some people turn their noses up at pop stars who get involved with charity, but so what? For every person that moans about it, there must be a hundred who appreciate it.

...the first time we went into the studio without Stephen [Gately]. Starting work on the new album without my brother next to me was strange. We all shed a lot of tears that day. Losing him last year broke my heart, but it also taught me a lot. First, don't sweat the small stuff. There's so much out there that doesn't really matter— concentrate on the things and the people that do.

There were one or two journalists who wrote some small-minded, nasty things after he died, but I never read

So what's all the fuss?

them. I think I'd have ended up saying something just as bad!

...posing nude forCosmopolitan. That was just one of the mad things I've been asked to do over the years. I also sang for the Pope at the Vatican and managed to get included in the Guinness Book of World Records [for having 30 consecutive Top 10 UK singles, more than Elvis].

At the time, you don't think about this stuff. It's only when you look back that you think, Did that really all happen to me?

Danny Scott

The simplest explanation is often the best one—that's the moral of a recent searchand-rescue operation scrambled for a "missing" woman in Shetland. When the 72-year-old failed to return to her hostel in Lerwick, her concerned friend alerted the authorities. But the truth was rather more banal—she'd simply changed rooms without telling her travel companions. Helicopters and search teams were duly called off when she appeared for breakfast.

Brothers in arms: Ronan with Stephen Gately

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Best Hidd en Hotels

P O LIZZi

When it comes to top-notch accommodation, Alex Polizzi knows her stuff. The granddaughter of Lord Forte and niece of Sir Rocco Forte, she runs the Hotel Endsleigh in west Devon, one of Britain's finest country retreats.

On Channel Five's The Hotel Inspector, she uses her expertise to transform failing establishments. In her Little Black Book of Hotels, out this month, she focuses on Britain's lesser-known gems, from luxury retreats to affordable, family-run operations.

So go on, spoil yourself...

The Pool House, Poolewe, Ross-shire

Overlooking Loch Ewe, one of the most beautiful Atlantic inlets of the western Highlands, this is an immaculately restored five-star Victorian hotel.

Through the dark-crimson wallpapered reception is a book-lined sitting room with rugs overlaying the carpet, needlepoint cushions, antique tables and swagged curtains. There's a full-sized billiard table next to the bar, and a wood-panelled room dedicated to select whiskies, which are illuminated by spotlights.

Amongthe bedrooms are an Indian-styled suite with heavy carved wooden doors, intricate ceiling screens and pink-and-gold friezes, and theTitanic-themed "HMS Diadem" suite with the lights around the bed cast from the ship's original moulds.

The view over the water is astonishing; the ground floor feels as if it's floating on the loch. You can spot minke whales, porpoises, basking sharks and seals from every rocky promontory—but should you want to improve your chances, ask The Pool House to charter a boat foryou. For avid twitchers, the hotel can arrange day trips to Isle Maree, home to red-throated divers and golden eagles. Rooms from £120 a night; pool-house.co.uk

Rooms with a view at the Pool House (below

Bedruthan Steps Hotel, Mawgan Porth, Cornwall

If you haveyoung children, you're likelyto fall upon Bedruthan Steps with cries of relief. The premise here is simple and effective. This large 1960s hotel above a beautiful beach,with soothing sea views from almost every room,provides ample activities for kids while still catering for those of us parents who haven't yet given up all pretensions of style.

Along one wing are five age-specific club rooms

from Tadpoles (up to age one) to Sharks (8-12 years). The fabulous Jungle Tumble room contains slides, towers, troughs of coloured balls and thoughtfully placed armchairs for the adults. Outside, there are pools, tennis courts, an assault

course, a pirate ship and a trampoline. The resident surf guru will helpyou master the Atlantic waves.

Children's events— from magicians to discos—are staged every evening of the school holidays. Parents can arrange a babysitter and visit Bed ruthan's adults-only sister hotel The Scarlet, which is glamorous, has fabulous European food and is just across the road. Nearby Padstow has several Rick Stein restaurants. From £79 per person per night; bedruthan.com

Glangrwyney Court, Crickhowell, Powys

This delightfully over-the-top b&b stands in almost 40 acres amid the Brecon Beacons in Wales. Warwick and Christina Jackson brought up their combined families here before slowly converting the rooms for guests as the children left home. It now has eight rooms in the main house and two in a converted stable.

Christina's decorating ethos is "more is more". The floors are densely packed with antique furniture, ceramics, glass, books, paintings and a grand piano. The rooms are beautifully decorated with French country wallpaper, lovely furniture, trays with bone-china teacups and quite the most comfortable beds I've slept in.

Single men may feel it's overwhelmingly feminine, with colours tending to rose and pale blue, butthe erotic nudes in the bathrooms may console them.

The main thing people do to amuse themselves around here is walking in the mountains—Pen-y-Fan is a famous

"More is more" at Glangrwyney Court

ill a

challenge. Anybody with a literary bent will want to visit the legendary literary festival in nearby Hay-on-Wye in late May. From £6o per person per night; glancourt.co.uk

Old Parsonage Hotel, Oxford

The Old Parsonage was constructed in 1660 by Edward Selwood, the cook at the neighbouring St John's College. The oak front door reinforced with iron studs is original, as are the stone windows and the wide-arched fireplace in the lobby,where a log fire is kept burning all year.

You feel as if you're in a private club. Walls are painted a sexy Russian red, there's a marble-topped bar and a restaurant with spotlit tables, purple velvet banquettes and >

green-leather buttoned chairs. Stunning 20thcentury art throughout the buildinggives the impression of a private show.

As you'd expect from an old building, the 30 bedrooms vary in size and layout. Room 31 is a lovely, light-filled deluxe space situated at the top of its own staircase.

The hotel offers complimentary walking tours around Oxford.

Resident art expert Isabella Underhill will usheryou through the gothic glories of Keble College and Wadham's beautiful chapel, among others, while relating some of the scurrilous events that occurred duringthe city's development.

The Oxford University Natural History Museum and Pitt Rivers Museum, with its totem poles and shrunken heads, are worth dedicating an entire afternoon to.

Rooms from £138 a night; oldparsonage-hotel.co. uk

Gallon House, Knaresborough, North Yorkshire

Overlooking a dramatic gorge and flanked by the ruins of a 14th-century castle, Gallon House is designed in an 1830s Bavarian style, with traditional cosy rooms and an airy oak-panelled living room. Owner Sue Hodgson was runner-up in the AA Friendliest Landlady of the Year awards in 2008.

Should you want an evening meal, her husband Rick, who once had Marco Pierre White under his tutelage, will ask about your food preferences when you book and create a menu accordingly.Guests share the big oak table in the dining room, which may be disconcerting at first, but is great fun, with the feel of a dinner party.

The Rookery, London

Step back in time in this intimate, painstakingly restored hotel, hidden in the heart of the capital.

The entrance, in an insignificant alleyway in bustling Clerkenwell, is discreet and easily missed. Only a small sign announces your arrival at the right place, and you have to ring to be allowed in.

Once inside, though, the 33-bedroom 18thcentury building charms guests with its intimacy, astonishing period detail,

Wander the pretty streets of Knaresborough or, if the weather and your mood concur, rent a boat on the river and cross to Mother Shipton's Cave, reputedly the birthplace of the 16th-century soothsayer. The nearby Petrifying Well contains objects from top hats to teddy bears that have been left to turn to stone under mineral-rich waters. The spa town of Harrogate is ten minutes away by train. Rooms from £85 a night; gallon-house.co.uk

dark woods, Edwardian bathing machine, log fires and plush drapes. It feels as though it's been here for ever, but until recently it was a roofless wreck previously used as a meat-hanging warehouse.

Many rooms have spectacular views, but the Rook's Nest suite has a retractable

roof and overlooks St Paul's Cathedral.

Discover more about Clerkenwell by going on an Urban Gentrytour, led by artists and designers, which takes in everything from architecture to East End street markets.

Rooms from £149 a night; rookeryhotel.com

Gilpin Lodge, near Windermere, Cumbria

Set amid the mountains of the Lake District, Gilpin Lodge is a shining example of one of the most successful family-owned-and-run hotels in the UK. From its modest beginnings as a five-bedroom house, it has over the past 22 years been slowly and lovingly transformed by Christine and John Cunliffe—and, more recently, by their son Barney and his wife Zoe.

It marries the traditional country-hotel look of sofas, freshly cut flowers and antiques with modern twists such asSwedish Seventies-style garden suites and a new bar with a walk-in wine cellar.The blending of styles is partly due to the Cunliffes always adding, refurbishing and improving.

The emphasis is on relaxation, so the Cunliffes have decided not to have weddings, corporate events or

A mix of modern and traditional at Gilpin Lodge

under-sevens. Personal touches abound, from old photos of the family and house to cuddly toys that guests leave outside their room as "Do Not Disturb" signs. Gilpin Lodge has 20 acres of garden, woodland and meadow. The list of activities could keep guests busy for weeks and includes mountain biking, sailing, fly-fishing and horse riding. Rooms from £78o a night; gilpinlodge.co.uk

The Queensberry Hotel, Bath

"Not whatyou might expect" is this hotel's motto and it's apposite. While there are few establishments I can think of that would be brave enough to havea Union Jack carpet or British Bulldog cushions in the bar, the Queensberry pulls off both with a cheeky sense of humour and trademark quirky style. The eccentricity is inspired bythe 9th Marquess of Queensberry (his family commissioned the row of Georgian terraces in which the hotel is found), famous for his boxing rules. You will see his dandyish image around the hotel, drawn fromVanity Fair, with atop hat, boxingglove in one hand and umbrella in the other.

The hotel has a homely, higgledypiggledy layout, with a purplevelvet-furnished lounge next to the wacky Old Q Bar and a restaurant with quiet jazz and abstract paintings by Cornish artist Monica Longhorn.

Queensberry rules: eccentric charm with a dash of patriotism

Set amid the historical splendours of Bath, with its Roman spa, this is the perfect place for a city break. Rooms from £125 a night; thequeensberry.co.uk

The George of Stamford, Lincoinshire

This is the kind of hotel that you almost cannot believe still exists. It's not boutique nor achingly chic. Indeed, the decor can only be described as cheeringly traditional. But who cares? As soon as you arrive,the staff coddle you and display reassuring professionalism.This is how hotels used to be.

The restaurants are pretension-free, but the spring lamb I had was exceptional. The Oak Room does a trolley featuring

The Stapleton Arms, Buckhorn Weston, Dorset

Despite being only 15 minutes from the A303, the village of Buckhorn Weston feels about as remote as you can get in southern England. Indeed, as you head blithely in the wrong direction down single-track lanes, you may find yourself, like me, resolving to buy a satnav on your return. But getting lost is no hardship as you admire the hills of Blackmore Vale, backdrop to Thomas Hardy's Tess ofthe D'Urbervilles.

The Stapleton Arms was Camra's Pub of the Year 2009 and has some

a splendid sirloin of beef, another old-fashioned concept foolishly abandoned by most hotels. It doesn't hurt that Stamford is film-set lovely. It was the first town to be designated a conservation area in 1967; it has numerous independent shops to visit; it also has Burghley House— a huge Elizabethan mansion with great art covering every wall and a Garden of Surprise, designed by Capability Brown, with a maze, grotto and water jets. Rooms from £120 a night; georgehotelofstamford.com

40 foreign varieties of beer. The food places an emphasis on local produce—Lyme Bay scallops and apple crumble with cider-brandy custard. Decor is modern for an old country pub but sympathetic, andthe restaurant's darkblue livery and candles make it very atmospheric at night.The four bedrooms have hand-sprung mattresses and Crabtree & Evelyn toiletries.

Landscape aside, local attractions include Shaftesbury, with its cobbled Gold Hill lined with thatched cottages, which featured in Ridley Scott's 1973 Hovis ad. Rooms from £90 a night; thestapletonarms.com

From Alex Polizzi's Little Black Book of Hotels: 52 Secret Destinations in Great Britain (Quadrille). To order a copy for £14 plus free p&p (usual price £20), call 01256 302 699, quoting reference code 4FF.

Back pain is one of Britain's biggest health concerns, with around 1.6m sufferers. So why is the best treatment for it so rarely recommended?

BY JEROME BURNE

Eddie Pratt has had severe back pain for decades and he's angry. Some years ago he found something that worked better than anything else for him. But it's not a well-known treatment and not many people get it.

"It's one of the best-kept secrets in backpain treatment and that's appalling," says Pratt, the head of a green products company. "I must have tried every possible treatment —including three operations. One was so painful that it still makes me cry uncontrollably to think of it years later. The only thing

that really made a difference was an intensive three-week rehabilitation course."

The treatment has been around for 30 years and doesn't involve anything high-tech or unusual. Even its name is dull: functional rehabilitation. "It's an intensive form of treatment that combines well-known physical and psychological approaches," says John O'Dowd, consultant spinal surgeon at Guy's and St Thomas' Hospital Trust in London, one of only a few units in the NHS that provides it.

Serious

pain can be very lonely; you can't gauge how well you're doing

But the big surprise in the new back-pain guidelines put out last year by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (Nice) was that functional rehabilitation was recommended as the best treatment available for serious back pain, rather than the widely available mechanical treatments involving drugs or surgery.

As well as conventional physical treatments such as physiotherapy and exercise, the approach includes cognitive behavioural therapy to help you handle your fears about back pain. It's also cheaper than other treatments and there's no risk of further damage or infection.

Pratt explains what it involves. "There were about 50 of us and we were immediately struck by the benefit of sharing our experiences. Being in serious pain can be very lonely; you don't have any way of gauging how well you're doing. Suddenly, I was being inspired by those who were worse off than me and coping brilliantly."

The programme gave Pratt and the others techniques for negotiating daily pitfalls—ways of avoiding the agonising pain that can result if you brush your teeth or get out of bed the wrong way. Each day there was also an increasing amount of exercise and physiotherapy.

"The trainers were brilliant at getting you to set goals and push yourself. You learned that you didn't have to avoid things just because they hurt." Afterwards, Pratt was able to go back to work, and for the next ten years, although

not pain-free, he was also able to travel and play sport.

Dr Charles Pither founded the rehabilitation unit at St Thomas' and is now head of the Real Health Institute, a private company that runs a course similar to the one that benefited Pratt. "Surgery usually isn't the answer," he says, "because it involves trying to correct abnormalities that show up on a scan. But some people can have abnormalities and no pain, while others can be in agony with no visible problem. We concentrate on the psychological side."

It's similar to treating phobias, he says. "Chronic backpain patients are frightened of damaging themselves further. We show them that it's OK to move and exercise. Once they understand how best to do it, they begin to regain control. Your attitude to pain has a big effect."

The approach also helps with anxiety and depression. Research shows that if you're in an unhappy marriage, your back pain is likely to be more severe. "If you put ten people into our programme, six to seven of them will get better and three to four will say they feel fantastic," claims Pither.

Real Health has been providing a functional rehabilitation programme in Holland for several years that's available to everyone, but in the UK, the company is still having discussions with local health commissioners about buying it in for NHS patients.

But if functional rehabilitation has been around for such a long time, why is it still not widely used or known about? It may be that, while drugs have lots of promotion behind them, nondrug treatments don't have anyone spreading the word.

Another factor is the small number of NHS centres that offer it. While your GP may refer you to a physiotherapist,

PRACTICAL STEPS TO **' TACKLING BACK PAIN

It's worth making a serious effort to control your pain with exercise. This is the best solution becauseit strengthensthe muscles and ligaments that support the spine.

One major British trial—the Back and Exercise Manipulation study in 2004— found people who took regular exercise (up to eight one-hour sessions over one or two months) had less pain than those following standard GP care. The most popular options include:

Yoga Not the more intense forms, which could make things worse. It's worth checking if the teacher has had specific experience of people with back pain.

Pilates Originally developed for dancers. Strengthens the three main muscles in your trunk that surround the area in which low-back pain develops.

Alexander Technique Helps you unlearn bad posture habits and so relieves the pressure they can put on the spine.

SIMPLE

EXERCISES YOU CAN DO AT HOME

When you no longer have acute pain, try these gentle exercises from health website Revolution Health, which should help you recover faster and lessen the chance of it returning. Stop the exercise if you experience any pain.

If the pain gets better when you stand or walk, try these two exercises to stretch tissues along the front of the spine and strengthen the back muscles.

1 Get onto the floor on your hands and knees; tighten your stomach muscles. Raise one leg off the floor and hold it straight out behind you: hold for five seconds, then lower your leg and switch to the other leg. Repeat eight to 12 times on each leg.

2 Lie on your stomach with your hands underyour shoulders. Push with your hands so your shoulders begin to lift off the floor. If it's comfortable, put your elbows on the floor directly underyour shoulders so you can rest in this position for several seconds.

If your pain eases when you're sitting, try these two exercises to strengthen the stomach and stretch muscles and ligaments in the back.

3 Lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor; bring one knee to your chest, keeping the other foot flat on the floor. Keep your lower back pressed to the floor. Hold for at least 15 to 30 seconds. Repeat two to four times with each leg.

4 Lie on your back with knees bent at a 90-degree angle and feet flat on the floor, about 12 inches from your buttocks. Cross arms over chest. Raiseyour shoulder blades off the floor. Keep your head in line withyour body—don't press your chin to your chest. Hold for one or two seconds, then slowly loweryourself back down. Repeat eight to 12 times.

AVOID THESE EXERCISES:Straight-leg sit-ups; lifting both legs while lying on your back; lifting heavy weights above the waist; toe touches while standing.

it's harder to get a referral to a clinic that takes a psychological approach because there aren't many—finding somewhere that does both is a challenge. Even if you do, the week-long course is far more expensive than a few sessions of physiotherapy or something more alternative like the Alexander Technique (also approved by Nice). Functional rehabilitation is still available on the NHS at St Thomas', but on a fairly small scale. "We treat about 300 people a year," says Dr Adnan Al-Kaisy, head of the pain management centre at St Thomas'. He reckons that, of the 1.6 million UK adults who suffer lower-back pain, around ten per cent currently benefit from functional

rehabilitation, so we could do with a lot more places.

Lower-back pain is one of this country's biggest health problems, losing five million working days and costing the NHS £500 million a year. As many as 85 per cent of us are said to feel back pain at some point and six per cent visit the GP for help.

"There's something heart wrenching about those with chronic back pain," says David Murphy, head of psychological services at Imperial College in London, who's worked in pain management for 20 years. "Often they lose their job, break up with partners and become depressed. The rehabilitation approach is not a magic bullet, but it can get people functioning again. It needs a shift of attitude to make it widely available, but it should be."

The rehabilitation approach is not a magic bullet, but it can get people functioning again

)> As well as alleviating pain, functional rehabilitation has the potential to save Britain a lot of money in the longterm. So we're petitioning Health Secretary Andrew Lansley for it to be more widely available on the NHS—and we'd love your support!

If you wantyour name to be on our petition, please email theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk.

Pedal to the heavy metal

Many congratulations to rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, who last October passed his driving test at onlythe nineteenth attempt. Sowhy the delay? He fessed up to Reader's Digest: "I was always drunk, stoned or something. I remember one of the tests—I'd gone to the doctor and said, 'Doc, I'm gonna go to the test,I'm nervous.' He said, 'Just take two of these pills.' So I took eight or something. Then, doing a turn in the car, I passed out. When I woke up, the door was open and I noticed that the instructor had gone. He left a note saying, `Mr Osbourne, you failed your test and I strongly suggest thatyou don't drive this vehicle any further now."

Ilms had the biggest effect on your early years?

We asked five writers to reveal theirs

The Films That Made Our Childhood

The remake of 1984 filmThe Karate Kid will see legions of 30-something men queueing outside multiplexes and weeping nostalgically into their popcorn.

Inspired by the tale of a boy who learns martial arts from caretaker Mr Miyagi to overcome school bullies, a generation spent their afternoons perfecting "wax on, wax off" karate moves, perching on poles and making "Hi-Ya" noises. But it wasn't just about fighting. The film taught character-building lessons on the importance of friendship and how discipline can help you overcome huge odds.

From The Wizard of Oz to Harry Potter, we all have favourite childhood films that inspired, amazed or made us laugh —and even influenced our future lives. So which films bowled over our panel of five writers and comedians?

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

RILHARD HERRING

I wasn't allowed to watch Life of Brianwhen it came out in 1979. I was 12 and it was an "A!' certificate so I was forbidden by law— and, more importantly, by my parents. Not a chance. Not until I was 14. I could protest as much as I wanted. We all had our cross to bear.

But, of course, the forbidden fruit only became more tempting. I made it my mission to see a film so controversial it had been banned

in Norway. Ironically enough for a Monty Python fan, Life of Brian was my Holy Grail.

Even so, by the time my 13-year-old self finally managed to sneak in to Wells cinema in Somerset, I already pretty much knew the film off by heart. I had listened to the LP over and over and had memorised the book of the script. I could even recite sketches that hadn't made the final cut.

That didn't make it any less magical, though. Growing up in a Christian household and questioning the inconsistent things adults were telling me to believe, it was mind-blowing to see organised religion so hilariously dissected. The film doesn't mock Christ, but the people who mould what spiritual leaders say to fit their own views. At the time, this was taboo-busting stuff.

The film is full of blisteringly funny moments that challenge closed systems of thought. My favourite is when Brian addresses the hundreds of followers he has unwittingly attracted:

Brian: "You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anyone. You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals."

Crowd (as one): "Yes, we're all individuals."

Brian: "You're all different."

Crowd (as one): "Yes, we are all different."

Lone Man (quietly): "I'm not."

This made me laugh every time

I heard it in 1980. And it still does. An eloquently made point and a beautiful, unbeatable gag.

• Richard Herring's showChrist ona Bike is at the Assembly Rooms, Edinburgh, August 5-30.

The Music Box (1932)

I think I first saw this famous Laurel & Hardy film on a rainy Sunday afternoon in front of our teninch black-and-white telly. I laughed so hard that a bit of wee came out (I was only seven, so fair dos).

Nothing much happens plot-wise: Stan and 011ie are delivery men who have to deposit a piano at the home of one Professor von Schwarzenhoffen. Crazy name, crazy guy, and HAL crazy house—it sits on top of an unfeasibly huge flight of steps. Cue 20 minutes of sublime physical clowning where the hapless duo proceed to crash, bang and heave their way through the professor's home.

The returning professor is so appalled by the damage that he smashes the piano with an axe—only to discover it's a surprise present from his wife.

This was the first time I'd seen Stan and 011ie and I fell in love with them, probably because they are overgrown kids. They make grandiose plans that you know, even as a seven-year-old,

aren't going to work; they hurt each other often; and lie outrageously to save their own skins.

But they never stop trying and they always turn to camera afterwards and give you a teary look (Stan) or a resigned sigh (011ie) that both makes you howl and breaks your heart.

The Music Box influenced me hugely. The humour springs from subtle character study blended with physical comedy. They play every moment to the max, but there's always truth—laced with a twist of pain.

• Meera Syal appearsinShirley Valentine at the Trafalgar Studios, London, until October 30.

Gremlins (1984)

BY HELEN ZALTSMAN

As a child, my cultural tastes were very much shaped by my two brothers who were nearly twice as old as me. Hence, I saw far more DennisPotter, MontyPython and cricket than was normal for a seven-year-old girl, and far fewer Disney films. Singing princesses were much weirder to me than a psoriasiscovered Michael Gambon.

So one chilly day in 1987, when my elder brother was ill and was allowed to watch Gremlins on video as a treat, I wanted to see it too. Mum banished me from the living room—but as soon

as she trotted up the garden for a stealthy smoke, I reclaimed my place on the sofa.

The story tells of a youngster named Billy whose eccentric, failedinventor father gives him a strange animal called a mogwai. It spawns the gremlins—evil creatures that terrorise Billy's town. There follows a dazzling parade of remorseless slapstick violence and malevolent puppets.

My callous, juvenile mind relished how unsentimental Gremlins is, unlike other Christmas movies. The titular beasts are hell-bent on destroying smalltown America, not because they've had damaged childhoods or seek revenge for some old wartime grievance, but solely for fun. To a member of the E.T. generation, the image of Mrs Deagle, the meanest woman in town, silhouetted against the moon as she flies to her death on her gremlin-tampered stairlift was satire of the highest order.

Seeing it again last Christmas for the first time in years, my mind turned to more adult concerns. Could young Billy ever recover from the ruination of his neighbourhood? Would he spend his life in psychotherapy because his father's focus on his hopeless career meant he disregarded his family? And how would Billy's mother clean up her kitchen after despatching a gremlin in the blender without putting the lid on?

My boyfriend's face grew grim. "Do

GREML

we have to watch this?" he asked sadly. "It's horrible."

He's right. It is horrible. Children are horrible. Without blinking an eye they can stomach fairy stories in which people's eyes are pecked out and their feet cut off. Like many such children's classics, Gremlins is dark, disturbing and has a high body count.

But it's also cathartic—and much less unpleasant than High School Musical.

• Helen Zaltsman and Oily Mann's weekly podcastAnswer Me Thisis available on iTunes.

Beaches (1988)

BY CATHERINE SHEPHERD

I was sent to a girls' school aged 12,and learned that in order to survive, it was essential to have a Best Friend. Being teenage BFs is very much like a romantic relationship—it's wonderful and horrific in equal measure. Thankfully, that summer, I had watched girlie buddy movie Beaches at a sleepover and it prepared me for the highs and lows.

In the film, brassy child GIl FR singer CC Bloom meets preppy Hillary at an Atlantic City resort one summer holiday. They are opposites who attract and stay in touch throughout their teenage years.

I realised to my delight that my BF and I, too, completed each other. Jenny was cool, had pierced her own

ear on the bus to school and sang hymns deliberately out of tune in assembly. I was the shy Hillary who did her homework for her.

But Beaches had warned me that the path of true BF love never runs smoothly. As young adults, CC (Bette Midler), a poor but vivacious actress, and Hillary (Barbara Hershey), an intelligent, sensible lawyer, begin to resent each other. Like Hillary, I was jealous of my BF's showbiz career. She was cast as the lead in the school production of Jane Eyre and got to wear a ball gown. I had one line and had to wear a beard.

And Jenny failed to heed Beaches' most important BF lesson: never go out with-the same boy. CC steals Hillary's beau John and years of estrangement follow. My BF kissed a boy I liked at Alton Towers. Admittedly, he hadn't shown me any interest; but I felt I had "bagsied" him somehow by liking him. Suddenly, there was distance between us. Our lifelong friendship appeared to be over, even though it was only the Easter holidays.

But Beaches reassured malvo,\1-1FR`o'L me that, like all good romances, BF love con111 eV; quers all It may take an IF unwanted pregnancy and Hillary's premature death (cue Bette singing "Wind Beneath My Wings") —but in the end, true friendship survives. It was a bit more low-

A(_ V-1 LS key than that with Jenny (I recently accepted her

friend request on Facebook), but we never really stopped caring.

• Catherine Shepherd appears in the new BBC1 series of Harry andPaul this autumn.

Diamonds Are

Forever (1971)

DAVID QUANTICK

I remember it like it was yesterday:walking down a street in St Ives, Cornwall, the air smelling of fish and salt, past a cinema that was vibrating with the theme song to DiamondsAreForever. It seemed as if a giant Shirley Bassey was trapped in the cinema and was trying to escape using the power of her voice. I had to see the film. I was nine and it was my first Bond.

SeanC .James 'Diamonds

I don't think I understood the plot (to be honest, when the film has been onTV since, I still haven't understood it), but I did like the film.

It was just an endless parade of crazy .40011.1041..

people: gay assassins, judo-trained killers in bikinis called Bambi and Thumper, an eccentric millionaire, beautiful women who glittered with jewellery and, of course, Sean Connery.

He appeared to be wearing evening dress throughout, even in the scene where he drives a moon tractor through the desert (I went straight home and bought the Corgi Moon Tractor. It had a little James Bond in the driving seat, wearing a tuxedo).

It taught me that you could be funny and dangerous, exciting and daft. It may not seem like a film whose lessons can be applied to daily life, although I became a comedy writer instead of asolicitor because it gave me less money but more absurdness. And now I go to ceremonies wearing a tuxedo, surrounded by glamorous ladies.

I don't know any of them, but that's not the point. I owe it all to the daft majesty of Diamonds Are Forever.

• David Quantick's The Dangerous Book For Middle Aged Men(Arrow) is out now.

Storking the world

This month sees the 90th birthday of margarine giant Stork—and it's still as popular as ever. Last year19,148,539kg of Stork tubs were sold. This is equivalent to2,148,539 Stork birdsor128,421,198 pounds of Victoria sponge.The amount of marg involved couldfill over four Big Bens.

A Reader's Story

"Iwas sure I was

going to die"

Ben Duncan happens when dinner turns out to be a deadly catch

It was four in the morning, in the middle of the South Pacific, when I realised I might be dead by midday. As a TV producer, I've rounded Cape Horn with explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes, the BBC's John Simpson and sailor Sir Robin Knox-Johnston; skied the 110-mile Haute Route between France and Switzerland; chased avalanches in New Zealand; lived with tribes in Mongolia...and now here I was, about to die because I'd eaten the wrong fish.

Nine months before, in September 2008, Jason Lawrence, a 42-year-old entrepreneur, his wife Amanda,

39, and their children Jean Jacques, four, and Louis, two, had set off from the Isle of Wight to sail round the world in their 46-foot catamaran Pegasus. I was on board to film them crossing the Bay of Biscay for a Channel 4 documentary, to be screened this autumn.

I was slightly alarmed when Jason mentioned that he didn't really know how to sail a catamaran, having sailed mono-hulls all his life. Amanda, not such an enthusiastic sailor, rolled her eyes. Jason, gung-ho as ever, said, "If we turn the boat over, we can survive and it'll be an experience for the kids." He told Amanda that a family had done that and survived for two months before being washed up in New Zealand.

I left them in Spain to continue across the Atlantic,rejoining them four months later when they sailed through the Panama Canal. My next trip to meet them took me to the

, .

sparsely populated Marquesas Islands 3 in the South Pacific, -•!', After a 40-hour journey from London, I checked into a hotel on Hiva Oa island—where the painter Paul Gauguin died in 1903—to await their arrival after three weeks crossing the Pacific. The children were in high spirits, desperate to run around on a beach. They had one problem: the fridge was broken and the fish they caught didn't stay fresh in the 40-degree heat. Atuona, the island's capital, isn't a hub of activity: a couple of restaurants, a petrol station and a fridge-repair man, who refused to board their boat because he suffered from sea-sickness. After a ten-day wait for a replacement

A hidden danger lurked in the South Pacific's idyllic waters

compressor belt to be sent from Australia, we set off to explore the islands.

After a few hours we pulled into a beautiful bay on the island of Nuku Hiva. Jason went off in the dinghy to catch a lobster for lunch and three red snapper for dinner, while Amanda and the boys collected fresh limes, grapefruit and mangoes from the trees along the beach. "This is just what life should be like," said Jason, as we ate the lobster.

Later, Amanda, a professional chef for GMTV, gutted the snapper, cooked them in the galley and served them with lettuce and limes. Louis had gone to bed exhausted and Jean Jacques was grouchy, so he only ate a small piece of fish and some bread. We had a couple of beers on deck

before retiring for the night, reflecting that life couldn't be better.

I was tired and happy, but couldn't sleep. My fingers and legs tingled, my mouth was numb, my teeth felt as if they were falling out. I was hallucinating, drifting in and out of consciousness. The wind was building to 30 knots; the sea rolled, the masts juddered.

"When

I closed my eyes

I felt giddy and saw fish scales floating in front of me"

When I closed my eyes I felt giddy and saw fish scales floating in front of me. I didn't realise Jason and Amanda were having the same problems until Jason entered my cabin at 4am and asked, 'Are you awake? You need to see this." I went into the boat's cockpit. On the computer screen was a picture from Grant's Guide to Fishes of what we'd eaten with the warning: "DO NOT EAT. DANGER OF DEATH." Amanda was white, fear etched on her face and a bucket on the floor into which she'd vomited several times.

We'd mistaken our red snapper "catch of the day" for paddletail, which looks the same but carries ciguatera, a deadly poison endemic to tropical reef fish.

I read on hurriedly, noting our symptoms—nausea, hallucination. It continued: "Seek medical attention immediately. This will be followed by fits, spasms, coma and possible

death." Isolated outbreaks reported a 20 per cent death rate, although others say it's less. Initial nausea is usually accompanied by chronic neurological illness that can last for months—up to 20 years in extreme cases— with poison remaining in the body for 25 years. It can also cause psychiatric and dermatological disorders.

Volume for volume, it's 1,000 times more potent than arsenic and among the deadliest poisons known. We learned—too late —that there are ways of determining if a fish is contaminated: flies won't land on it, cats won't touch it, and a silver coin placed under the scales turns black.

The nearest hospital was either a six-hour donkey rideover difficult terrain or sailing against the increasingly strong wind for 12 hours to a hospital in Hiva Oa. A local doctor told us to get there as soon as possible, adding ominously, "There's no known effective treatment." He told us to take lots of aspirin and antihistamine, and drink water. We discovered, unhelpfully, that there's an ancient Cuban remedy—a guanabana juice enema.

We phoned NHS Direct for a second opinion. They'd never heard of ciguatera, but advised us to put

out a distress call; not much help as there was no one within range. Jason continued to research and found an account of a restaurant that served shark stew containing ciguatera to 500 people. One hundred died.

The wind was blowing too strongly for us to leave—not that it made much difference. As the sun came up, we couldn't move. Luckily, the children hadn't eaten enough to be affected; they played with their toys, leaving the cabin in a mess. Amanda's face and lips swelled alarmingly, while Jason vomited several times.

For two long days we were immobile, eating dry crackers, drinking water, sometimes hoping we'd fall asleep long enough not to wake. Amanda wailed, "This

Taking centre stage

is not the time to ask your mum to pop over and help with the kids."

After four days we began to feel better and sailed to another bay where we found a restaurant. We had a beer, but Jason immediately vomited and had hallucinations and tingly fingers. It's common to suffer relapses after consuming nuts, coffee, alcohol, animal protein foods or fish. Amanda was still unwell, so she drank water with brown sugar, a local remedy.

As for me, I left for London the next day. I've never eaten fish since.

» Tell us a personal story of your own: touching, inspiring or about an exceptional event in your life. It could earn you £100. See page 6 for details.

Whitney Houston's vocal problems at London's 02 Arena this year are a reminder that concert-goers looking for a tuneful evening occasionally get more (or less) than they bargained for:

Bob Dylan, Arizona, 1980 Bob was deep into his Biblically inspired phase, but the crowd wanted to hear the hits instead. "If you want rock 'n' roll, you can go see Kiss instead and rock 'n' roll all the way down to thepit!" snarled the 60s legend.

Fiona Apple, New York, 2000 Sound problems led the frustrated popster to scream, "This song is dead! Just stop it! This is a nightmare!" before warning the assembled press, "If there's any critic here who gives me a bad review because of this, I'll killyou."

George Jones, Nashville, 1979 "My friend Deedoodle the Duck is going to take over the show," announced the troubled country singer, "because Deedoodle can do what George Jones can't." He then proceeded to sing in a Donald Duck voice.

John Mayer, London, 2010 The stud-like guitarist seemed in a flighty mood. "I could make it happen with any of you ladies tonight," he cooed. "Someone's getting preggers. It only takes nine months and eight hours from now."

WELCOME TO THE PAGES THAT HELP MAKE LIFE SIMPLER, EASIER AND, WE HOPE, MORE FUN! STARTING HERE WITH...

1 01 t ingseveryone should know...

•••live to be 100

1,001 things... is compiled and written by

Linda Gray

IF EVER THERE WAS A CASE OF BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, THIS IS IT.But what if old age wasn't about wheelchairs and bed baths? What ifyou were fit enough for tennis and smart enough for bridge until your nineties and beyond? It could beyou, even if you missed out on the longevity gene. "Twice as many people over 85 live independently, compared with the 1970s," says gerontologist

Professor Kay-Tee Khaw of Cambridge University. It doesn't take much to improveyour chances of a birthday card from the Queen. Khaw's study of 30,000 people age 40-79 found that four simple behaviours—drinking a moderate amount of alcohol, gettingyour five a day, not smoking or being inactive—knocks 14years off your age. And that's just for starters.

Here, based on the latest research, is the experts' prescription for the elixir of youth.

1.Give up salt.Wave bye-bye to salted peanuts, ready-meals and bacon. Studies in 52 centres worldwide show that salt makes blood pressure zoom, a major cause of stroke.

2.Eat plants.In Khaw's study, people with more vitamin C in their blood (a sign of high fruit and veg intake) had better lungs, lower blood pressure, cholesterol and blood glucose, and were less likely to suffer heart attacks.

3.Stand rather than sit."People who stand at work or cycle for half an hour a day cut their risk of dying in the next ten years by 20 per cent," says Khaw.

4.Enjoy the sunshine (but don't burn).It increases bone-protecting vitamin D. As good weather's rare in Britain (older Brits particularly suffer from low vitamin D levels), try taking a supplement-2.5mg a day increased levels in over-65s to that of 20-year-olds, cutting the risk of broken bones by 22 per cent.

5.Draw your pension.Once you get to 65, women can bank on another 20 years (17 for men).

6.Find life meaningful and be resilient when it's not.It can add eightyears to your life.

7.Join the awkward squad.Insist on gettingyour own way, be sceptical and you too could see your second century, says US gerontologist Leonard Poen—though you may not have too many friends when you get there.

HAIN TA

...find a free PA

LET YOUR PHONE RUN YOUR LIFE, BUT IN A GOOD WAY.Downloading apps (geek-speak for applications) to a smartphone can saveyou time and money. No smartphone? Use your PC. Apps saved users almost £2 billion last year, and to boost your savings even more, you can acquire these little helpers for free.

• Google Maps(pre-installed on some phones, go to m.google.com/maps for others). Gives directions, traffic news and even tells you where you are if you get lost. >

114(11M ...party like a grown-up

LEAVE KINGS OF LEON TO THE KIDS and find a festival for you. There are half a dozen events from Richmond to Liverpool this month—and unlike rock fests, they won't cost you a penny. In London, travel to South America for free at the Carnaval de Pueblo or to India at the Mela Festival, Ealing. Or go back in time at Dunfermline's (Robert the) Bruce Festival, which celebrates the hero with jousting and feasts.

For bonkers British events, catch a spot of bog snorkelling in Wales or football in the river at Bourton-on-the-Water. After that, relax in front of a film on BT Vision's Big Day Out (August 30, countrywide)—check free-events.co.uk.

• Wi-Fi Finder (iPhone and iPod Touch). Finds free Wi-Fi hotspots in 140 countries.

• ATM Hunter(iPhone and BlackBerry, mastercard.com on your PC). Findsyour nearest cashpoint, worldwide.

• 0870 (iPhone and Android, or go to saynoto0870.com). Converts all 08 numbers to cheapergeographic ones.

• VoucherCloud (iPhone or go to vouchercloud.com). Sends you the latest discounts, which you claim by showingyour handset, with no need to print. "It can even tell you the nearest deals—great if you want a cheap lunch," says technology expert Zara Rabinowicz of almostzara.com.

114171W T

...be a natural gourmet

I KNOW A BANK WHEREON THE WILD THYME BLOWS—but Titania wouldn't have stayed there long, because it grows on anthills. "Ants are very fond of thyme—they grow it in their gardens," explains Natural England's Duncan Mackay, author of Eat Wild (£8.95). You can see why, because it's deliciously piquant. Grab a handful of wild garlic too and you need never patronise the herb stand at Tesco again.

Now is a great time to feast for free, so head for the woods and hedgerows. You'll need afield guide to identify the plants, says Mackay, particularly the mushrooms that flourish

this month. Better still, go on a guided walk. His rainbow selection includes the white giant puffball ("as big as a sheep—just slice and dip in egg and breadcrumbs"), the amethyst deceiver, the coal-dark charcoal burner, the fennel-like aniseed toadstool plus two disturbingly meaty fungi. Look for the dark-red beefsteak fungus which drips "blood', and the golden chicken-of-the-woods, which blooms on oak trees (take care—it can make you feel dizzy if you're sensitive to it). And check the stem when gathering chanterelles and field

mushrooms; a yellow streak means it's a poisonous yellow stainer. First-time foragers might prefer to stick to recognisable foods. Blackberries, elderberries, rosehips and crab apples are everywhere, but you'll also find bilberries hidden under the plants' leaves. And at the beach, gather samphire and sea lettuce, and barbecue limpets.

Gourmet cooks should visit eatweeds.co.uk, where nutritionist Marion Turnbull works magic with wild food. Her dishes include meadowsweet sorbet and wild garlic focaccia. "I forage and eat wild plants every day—it's a joyous way to reconnect with nature," says Robin Harford, who runs the site (and foraging courses in East Devon). And it nourishes both mind and body.

THAT'S A LOVELY PICTURE OF THE CHILDREN, AND THOSE ROSES LOOK A TREAT.It's just a shame that the landscapes are so ho-hum. The view was glorious, or you wouldn't have stopped to snap. But now you're hard pushed to tell one misty valley from another. So what went wrong?

Don't blame it on your camera. The photo's bland because there's no focal point, says award-winning photographer Fran Halsall, whose book Light and Shadow (£18.99) is full of tips to make the countryside come alive. "You need to create a 3D effect from a 2D image, so look for strong shapes, a clear arrangement and connections between elements. A pile of rocks on a distant hill looks dramatic. A view of the middle distance looks flat," she says. Just like a novel, every photo needs a

beginning, a middle, and an end—so start where you are, not halfway into the story. A path leading away from you or a nearby tree gives context. And pick your time; big vistas look better side-lit, which means shooting early or just before sunset when the play of light and shade gives contrast. Buildings have crisper lines and can take the harsh light of midday.

As sunshine isn't a major problem in the UK, Fran has plenty of tips for dull days. They're perfect for taking detail shots or pictures of water, which reflects the available light and looks smoother given a long exposure time. And don't cut out the sky, which is at its most magnificent when the weather is lairy. "The way clouds and light interact intensifies the image," says Fran, and adds the extra dimension you need.

MAW TA ...go on a home safari

AFRICA CAN WAIT.There's plenty of spectacular wildlife in the UK,from beavers in Argyll, red squirrels on Brownsea Island, Dorset, and fish-eating raft spiders in Shropshire to our very own Jaws off Lizard Point— a top shark-watching hotspot.

Satisfying as it is to spot a rare species, seeing any creature in the wild is heart-lifting. "There's nothing more exciting than glimpsing a deer or a fox skulking in the woods," says Kate Humble, president of the RSPB, whose wildlife sanctuaries aren't just for birds. Many

are free—and so are theactivities. The RSPB's Lake Vyrnwy in Wales has free guided walks, and Saltholme nearMiddlesbrough offers a walled garden and adventure playground along with a glimpse of the great-crested grebe.

You'll have to actively seek out most wildlife, though if you climb the North Downs in Surrey this month, clouds of blue butterflies will rise atyour feet. Midday is the best time to see insects, but twilight is when mammalsemerge.Move quietly and hide behind rocks andtrees.That won't work if you wear a fluorescent parka, so stick to neutrals, says the National Trust. Even better, make sure they're in need of a wash—animals can sniff washing powder a mile away. Take binoculars so you can see small creatures, but listen as well as look. Above all, think like an animal. Find where they drink, shelter and bask, and there they'll be.

What your hotel receptionist won't tell you

The true cost of your room is £10 a day.Clean sheets and fresh towels come to £3.50, newspaper £1, toiletries £2.50, cleaning products £1, wear and tear and theft (thanks to you, dear guest), £2.

Tip the front desk. We can bend the rules to get you checked in early or let you leave late, upgrade you to a suite and knock the Wi-Fi charge off your bill. Give us enough to split with the chambermaid and we'll even rent rooms by the hour for romantic liaisons.

While you're about it, tip the room maids.You wouldn't believe what they have to clear up. But put the tip under the pillow so the porter doesn't take it.

And here's a tip for you: wash the glasses in your room. The maids just run them under the tap and give them a squirt of glass

polish in almost every hotel. If you're really unlucky and the wash basin is too shallow, they'll rinse the coffee pot in the loo—so give that a going over too.

We know you take the toiletriesand we sometimes shut our eyes when the towels disappear. But please don't repack the Kit Kat and put it back in the minibar. We're onto that.

I'm terribly sorry, the last guest was too ill to move.She wasn't, butyour room's not ready and I'm desperate to fob you off.

The bar makes more than you think.If I pour you a single when you order a double, the staff will have a couple of bottles of vodka to share at the end of the night. And we love a wedding. The father of the bride isn't going to count the empties, is he?

We overbook by 20 per cent. But don't worry if you're on holiday. We're most likely to bump

single business travellers who don't stay long enough to run up a big bill.

Choose a corner room if you want more space.

Please check out by 11am.We ask you to, but as long as you're gone by 1 pm, we won't charge for an extra night.

We're rarely full on Sunday night.If you ask nicely and you've booked for several days, we might even throw it in for free.

Here's how to get the best rate.See what the best deal is online, then call late morning or early

afternoon (when it's quiet), and ask us for our best price. We won't have to pay the website, so you could save 20 per cent.

Enjoy the chocolate on your pillow.It's the best bargain in the hotel. That pricey breakfast only costs us £2 and we get away with charging top dollar for drinks by offering canapes. But at £3.50 for two, those truffles are the real deal.

Of course we change the sheets, but we rarely touch the blankets.If they smell musty, order extra from housekeeping; they're properly stored so they'll be cleaner. But beware of asking for an extra pillow. It's slang for prostitute.

Bed bugs are the new plague.Strip the bed and check the mattress for blood spots. Or switch off the light, thump the mattress, then flick the light again to catch them on the run. If you spot any, leave, or you'll take them home them with you.

If you do nothing else, check that the fire doors aren't locked.

)Gym'll fix it

At the start of this year, 23 per cent of people with gym memberships cancelled them. Thinkyou might soon be joiningtheir ranks? Here's how to get better results from your sessions,

How do you make sure you get your mon worth when you join a gym?

keep your motivation high—and make that membership pay for itself!

>> Avoid the mirrors.In a study by McMaster University in Canada, women felt less calm and more tired after working out in front of their reflections. Some gyms now have "reflection-free zones" —worth a whisper in your gym manager's ear.

>> Ask the experts.If you see someone lifting heavier weights or using a different technique, don't just copythem—you could injureyourself. Ask them what they're doing and check whether it would work foryou.

>> Warm up specifically.Cycling for ten minutes isn't going to prepare you for an upper-body workout. Instead, try rowing. For a cardio warm-up, work out

at 30-60 per cent of your optimum pace.

>> Invent a competition with the person next to you. They're using the cross-trainer at level ten and you're only on level five?

Up your game! You'll push yourself harder and have somethingto focus on.

>> Don't confuse your brain with your body.Long day at work? Skippingthe gym for an early night could be a bad move. Your brain may be beat, but your body's probably raring to go. Hit the gym and you'll de-stress and clearyour head.

>> Use free weights. Yes, machines are easier, but they have their downsides. Most are designed for the male body (yes, really!), so anyone smaller may have trouble; and free weights mean that you can work both sides of your body separately and target different muscle groups.

>> Remember why you're there.Go to the gym often enough and it becomes more of a social

event; you chat to other members between reps, hit the bar afterwards... you're having a nice time, but how much work areyou doing? Check your focus every few weeks.

>> Spritz upwith a few essential oils. Mix rosemary with water and sprayyour gym kit just beforeyou begin: it enhances energy.

> Time your rests. If you want to be able to move the next day, a rest between reps is necessary. But don't spend rests gazing into the distance. If you rest for too long,your body won't reap any benefits; too short and your muscles won't recover. Speak to a trainer and ask what the right time frame is.

>> Slow down. Not the most obvious advice, but research shows that people who lifted weights more slowly (at least 14 seconds per rep) gained more strength than those who worked at seven seconds per rep, partly because it stops you using momentum to power your lifts.

Fast fact

A US study found that 75 per cent of adverts between kids' TV programmes were for foods high in fat and sugar.

5 stepsto stronger arms

MAKE BREAD instead of buying it. The kneading action is a good arm and shoulder workout. Plus, homemade always tastes better than bought!

SKIP THE WEEDKILLER.

Once a week, get down on your hands and knees and rip those weeds out. It'll build arm, shoulder and back strength, and theyankingwill build extra arm strength. Just remember to alternate hands.

EAT STEAK on the nights you work out. Research from the University of Wollongong, Australia, found that people who did weightlifting exercises and whose diet included 700g of red meat per week gained more muscle than people who ate just 350g. Red meat contains amino acids, which build muscle.

TRY ISOMETRIC EXERCISES.You do these by pushing against something that doesn't move, like a wall. Pressyour hands together as hard as you can for five seconds at a time whileyou watch TV, or stand 12 inches from a wall, legs apart, and push against it.

CURL YOUR SHOPPING. Carry one bag in each hand, and asyou walkfrom car to kitchen, lift your hands towards your shoulders, keepingyour elbows close toyour sides.

The Apple iPad is already the most talked-about device of the decade— so it's only right and proper that you should be able to find the world's best-loved magazine on it.Butwhat do we like most about the iPad? Reader's Digest is the perfect fit, that's what—our wonderfully portable — small format means that our pages are tailor-made to the size of the iPad screen. You'd almost think they'd designed it just for us...

Got your iPad?Shown it off to all your friends? Feeling (understandably) just a little bit smug? Now, all that's left foryou to do is go to the Apple store atstore.apple.com/ukand download us for FREE—you'll be able to leaf your way through every page of the latest issue. Plus see a welcome video from editor-in-chief Gill Hudson (left), who'll introduce "4.. some of this month's top stories. Reader§ And yes, we'll be available on the iPad every month from now on.

Doctor on the Ward

Sometimes science can't explain everything, says Max Pemberton

HCe won't stay,

Max," explains Andy, one of the nurses looking after Mr Simcock. He's come in to A&E with pneumonia, and he has to be admitted. "He says he's got to get back to see his wife," explains Andy.

Mr Simcock is in his late seventies, and it's perfectly understandable that he's anxious about leaving his wife alone. Perhaps she's bedbound, I imagine, or can't see well. "Seems reasonable to me," I say, and leaf through the directory for Social Services' phone number.

Andy looks at me directly: "Max, she died six months ago," he says, starkly. "Oh," I say slowly as Andy hands me Mr Simcock's notes.

Mr Simcock was married to his wife for nearly 50 years. When she died suddenly, he didn't know what to do with himself. "And then,

she'd probably been buried a week, when I saw her," Mr Simcock says, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

He goes on to explain

nag, so I suppose she feels she needs to keep her eye on me," he laughs.

Surprisingly, he doesn't find this unsettling, but rather a comfort. "It's nice

"She'd probably been buried a week when I saw her," he says

that she visits him most to know she's still there evenings, just as he's for me," he says. dropping off to sleep.

Post-bereavement

Sometimes they talk, and hallucinations (where other times they people see their dead loved don't. "She ones) are a surprisingly was always common response to grief. a bit of a It's wish-fulfilment—the brain's way of giving the bereaved person what they so desperately want.

Mr Simcock is worried that if he stays in hospital he won't see her. But I can't let him leave, so I change tack.

"What would your wife say if she thought you were risking your own health for her?" I ask. >

Doctor on theIN-,-,kr r!

"That'strue," he says, slowly. "And if I'm honest, it would be nice to get away from the old battleaxe for a bit. Over 5o years, and no time off for bad behaviour," he says with a chortle.

With that settled, he's admitted to a medical ward and I make arrangements for him to be followed up by the psychologists.

The night shift finally comes to an end, and !think of Mr Simcock and his wife as I walk home. Medicine attempts to explain things as a set of biochemical pathways and pathological processes—but sometimes human experience is more complex than that.

Mr Simcock's visions may well be easily explained by neurochemical interactions; but at that moment, I could only see them as a touching testament to the love he has for his wife.

>> Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor. His book Where Does It Hurt? is published by Hodder and Stoughton at £12.99.

KNOW YOUR ORGANS

The kidneys

Under pressure

Kidneys are much more than an accompaniment to steak in a pie—they're amazingly complex organs.

First things first

The kidneys are most famous for filtering the blood. Each one has about a million tiny units called nephrons that act as filters, allowing waste products and excess water in the blood to be excreted as urine, while keeping cells and proteins in the bloodstream. Cleverly, as the blood is filtered, the nephrons can return to the blood any necessary chemicals that leak out. They also control the amount of sodium and potassium salts—or "electrolytes"—present in the blood. Keepingthese in equilibrium is vital for life.

A little-known function of the kidneys is their role in controlling blood pressure. They do this by secreting hormones that control the amount of fluid present in the blood, which affects the amount of pressure on the blood vessels.

If all that wasn't enough

The kidneys also secrete a hormone (erythropoietin) that tells the bone marrow to make more blood cells, and another hormone (calcitriol) that makes the bowels absorb calcium.

If things go wrong... Damage to the kidneys (through infection, dehydration or high blood pressure) results in chronic renal failure. Without them, waste products quickly build up to toxic levels, so artificial filtering of the blood has to be considered —kidney dialysis. But luckily, having two kidneys means they can still function with a degree of damage. MP

Next month: the skin

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UPDATE Spot the difference HEALTH

Suffer from acne? Try these new treatments

Acne affects more than 70 per cent of adults—butat least some of the newer treatments are making it easier to control.

Acne is driven by hormones—when male-type androgens surge, our glands produce more sebum oil, which gets trapped in hair follicles and causes spots. How can you treat it?

1.Anti-inflammatories are used to prevent the clogging of hair follicles, either as a cream or orally. The most common oral treatment is isotrenoin, better known as Accutane.

2. Newer drugs, such as clindamycin, plus a peeling agent (benzoyl peroxide) can hit acne doubly hard. Experts suggest using the benzoyl on

inflammation in the morning, and reducing scarring with a retinoid cream at night.

3.Photodynamic therapy uses light treatment combined with a photosensitising agent called 5-aminolevulinic acid. As it's anti-inflammatory, it's most effective on mild acne. Most dermatologists offer this treatment—check privatehealth.co.uk for details.

4.In women, up to 60 per cent of outbreaks are hormonal and occur on the lower face just before menstruation. Try hormone therapy— such as birth-control pills that contain oestrogen and progestin—to combat these outbreaks.

Wouldn't it be great to eat what you want? We've found four "flat-belly foods" that are not onlytasty, but also so low in caloriesyou can eat as much asyou like!

)) Salsa.With just five calories a tablespoon, it's pure healthfulness—lots of fibre and no saturated fat. But beware shop-bought salsa, as it can be sodium-tastic. Have salsa in wraps instead of mayonnaise, or on jacket

potatoes. Just don't have it with tortilla chips!

>> Air-popped popcorn. This whole grain is high in folate, which helps cells develop—and at only 30 calories per 250m1, it's not goingto break the diet bank. Skip the butter and shake on cayenne pepper—it'll help speed upyour metabolism.

))Cantaloupe melon.This is high in water so low in calories, and gives you a good

dose of heart-protecting potassium. Cut half a melon up and snack on it during the day—but don't eat a whole one. Melon is high in natural sugar, which may damage teeth in large amounts.

)) Skinless turkey.High in protein, one-and-a-half turkey breasts contain less than half the calories of a medium-sized steak. Shred cooked turkey and add it to salads.

On reflection

Jan Masters extols the virtues of time spent at the dressing table

When I was a child, my mother's dressing table was painted a faded French antique pistachio green,and was home to a beautiful bottle of Fidji by Guy Laroche and glass dishes full of earrings.

My friend's big sister's dressing table was even more tantalising, with covetables such as Aqua Manda perfume, purple eyeshadows, patchouli oil, and cherry-flavoured lip gloss—the epitome of all that was exotic!

But only recently did I fall back in love with the dressingtable. Or, rather, the role it could play in lifting my mood. When I was

The ritual of make-up sends a message: you're worth taking care of

stressed, a psychologist friend suggested devotingtime every day to "mindfully" cleansing my face at the dressing table.

It sounds superficial, but there's something about the ritual that soothes, reconnecting me to my physical self.

Top make-up artist Lee Pycroft recounts organising a beauty day for carers, some of whom were depressed:

"As their hair was styled and their make-up done, their whole body language changed. The simple ritual

of applying make-up sends a message that you're worth taking care of."

Doing our pampering at a dressing table can also bring a dash of old-style glamour back into our lives. Many of us have long since transferred our toilette to the bathroom—but lately there's been renewed interest in dressing-table elegance. For Heal's department store's bicentenary this year, designer Johnny Egg has created a dressing table called Vanity; or for real luxury, Claridge's offers the Dior Dressing Table service!

The late, great Mr Shu Uemura, Japanese cosmetics giant, once said that takingtime to look in the mirror helps you reflect on your life and enables you to prepare for the day ahead. But, of course, you can always just lovingly layyour own dressing table with your fave beauty products and simply powder your nose!

GET AHEAD GET A HAT

Hats are vital to your sunprotection armoury. But how often haveyou removed them only to reveal hat-hair? Here's how to prevent it...

1. Buy a hat that's the right size— sounds obvious, but if a hat's too tight, it can create dips in your hair and indentations on your forehead.

2. Lightweight hats tend to be more forgivingon your style.

3. Avoid a fringe kink by sweeping it to one side, or back completely, before putting on your hat.

4. Long locks? Don't plonk your hat down, leaving two curtains of hair—the band tends to leave a tramline around your head. Instead, pull hair back or to the side; asyou put your hat on, pull a few strands free. It looks more stylish, too.

• Estee Lauder may have pulled the plugon its Prescriptives brand, but the much-loved, fresher than fresh Calyx fragrancewill be staying under the umbrella of Aramis & Designer Fragrances. Cue a big "phew" from those of us who have never tired of that hit of tangy grapefruit and greenness that dries down to sensuous woods, now celebrating its 25th anniversary. From £45, exclusively at Harrods, and at selected stores from September.

• Specialist dentists Susan Tanner and Andrew Dawood have introduced the first British professional dental brand—a new tooth-cleansing range featuring flavours from essential oil extracts including English Peppermint, Sicilian Lemon, Brazilian Lime and Garden Mint(£3.99 each, Boots). Forshort films on tooth care, check out their website deliciousteeth.com.

CLOSES MIDNIGHT

"Why are we getting ready to ship a genuine

1.85-Carat Sapphire Pendant to each reader...

...who solve the puzzle here by Midnight Monday 16th of August!"

To promote and introduce Spencer and Mayfair Jewellery to the public we are delighted to have secured a consignment of Genuine 1.85-Carat Sapphire stones, set within an elegant pendant with chain.

These substantial precious stones. dispatched in a luxurious dark blue satin pouch are available to all callers who register a correct answer to the puzzle shown here, by midnight Monday 16th of August. It really is that simple!

It seemed fitting that we awarded our 1.85-Carat Sapphire pendants to those with an ability to solve our Jewellery wordsearch. But strictly one entry per person please.

Should you solve the puzzle then call the number shown straight away. We will tell you whether you have the correct answer and are successful!

This genuine 1.85-Carat Sapphire pendant with chain may not be offered again in this publication, so call today to ensure you don't miss out on receiving yours. Good luck.

• Genuine Precious 1.85-carat sapphire!

•Hurry: opportunity ends midnight, Monday 16th of August!

• We apologise to any readers who were unable to respond before the promotion deadline.

..aelleallimi now/

How to cut your summer r holiday st

Now that the summer holiday season is finally upon us, check out these top tips for makingyour money go further.

Car hire Planning to hire a car? It's almost always cheaper to book it before you leave. Check out cheap car-hire websites such as holidayautos.co.uk, carrentals.co.uk and expedia.co.uk.

It's also important to think about insurance.

When you hire a car, you'll usually be sold basic insurance known as "collision damage waiver", but this will carry a hefty excess (the amount of moneyyou'll have to pay if you have an accident before your insurer steps in to coveryour claim).

You'll be much better off purchasing"excess insurance". And remember, it's cheaper to buy this type of insurance in advance, as opposed to buying from

your car-hire company.

Websites such as Carhireexcess.com offer cover from as little as £2 or £3 a day—compared with around El 0 for car-hire companies.

Currency

Always order your currency in advance. Exchange rates, fees and charges vary widely, so it's important you giveyourself time to shop around for a good deal. Check out online

currency providers such as travelex.co.uk.

Remember the golden rule: never buy currency at the airport. And watch out for companies that claim to be "commissionfree"—they may offer a poor exchange rate to make their money back.

Credit and debit cards

If you plan to use your credit or debit card abroad watch out for extra charges such as foreign currency loading fees, cash withdrawal charges (for both debit and credit cards) and higher interest charges.

It pays to be savvy and apply for a credit card that waives these rates before you go away. The Santander Zero credit card and the Post Office credit card are good choices: while most cards load a flat fee of around 2.75 per cent onto the exchange rate—makingyour £100 spend actually cost you £102.75—kinder cards such as these two don't.

Airport parking

Airport parking can be extortionate, especially if you turn up on the day and don't book in advance.

Check out websites like parking4less.co.uk, airport-parking.co.uk and APH.com to compare prices. It's also worth looking for private parking facilities near the airport. And be aware that if you're late collectingyour car—even if it's only by a few minutes—the penalty charges can be crippling. At Heathrow airport, for example, if you run into another 24-hour period you'll be liable for an additional day's charge. And that can be as much as £16.30 for long-stay parking.

Calling from abroad

If you plan to useyour mobile phone abroad, watch out for expensive roaming charges. Check your rates with your provider before you go, and ask what add-ons or bundlesyour mobile phone company offers. Bear in mind that you can't normally use your inclusive minutes and texts allowance when out of the country.

One moneysaving tip: it's worth getting a local SIM card if you'll be making lots of calls to numbers within the country.

FIVE REASONS your travel insurance might not pay out

1You're forced to cancel your holiday as a result of a natural disaster— Icelandic volcanic eruptions, for example.

2 You know a strike is expected to occur during the time your holiday is booked for. You want to change ayour travel plans due to civil unrest in your holiday destination.

4Your holiday is cancelled because your airline or holiday company goes bust.

5You need to cancel your holidayfor personal reasons, such as the death of a close relative, divorce or redundancy.

Top holiday tip:

It's often more expensive and of a lower quality abroad

HOWMONEYWORKS Are bank accounts with benefits a waste of money?

Millions of consumers may be wasting hundreds of pounds every year paying for current accounts with "free" extras they never use.

Known as "packaged accounts", this type of bank account gives customers a handful of benefits—such as travel insurance or breakdown cover—in return for a monthly fee of anything between £5 and £25.

However, according to Which?, these accounts are useless, and simply not worth paying for.

So, are packaged accounts a rip-off?

The key thing to remember is not to fall for clever sales jargon. It's often easy to be tempted by attractive extras and freebies, but no matter how much banks proclaim the benefits of a packaged account, if you never use them they aren't worth a penny.

Jo Ganly, a spokesperson for uSwitch, warns: "Very often people end up using only one or two benefits,which they could probably buy more cheaply as standalone products elsewhere. With so many products offering little or no value, plus many that cross over or duplicate others, the old saying 'buyer beware' still applies."

Take time to ensure the account has the right mix of benefits that suit you. Also, checkyou're not payingfor productsyou already have—these days many homeinsurance policies cover mobile phones, for example, so you may not need extra cover.

It's also important to look at each product individually and assess whether it's actually worth paying for.

Michelle Slade, from Moneyfacts, says: "Most packaged accounts offer mobile phone insurance or breakdown cover,

but these aren't always as good as they first appear. Breakdown cover tends to be of the most basic kind—and some is limited to within 20 miles of your home. Not much use if you regularly travel further."

To ensure you don't get caught out by exceptions and exclusions further down the line, read each product's small print carefully. For example, many products require you to register. If you forget to do this, you may find you're not covered when you need to claim.

Shop around. While the monthly fees for packaged accounts may seem small,you'll be surprised at how quickly they can add up over the course of ayear.

Kevin Mountford, head of banking for moneysupermarket.com, says: "If consumers have the time and inclination to shop around,they'll inevitably find better deals."

So make sure you work out if it's cheaper to purchase the products you plan to use as standalone policies. For example, these daysyou can buy an annual travel insurance policy for under E40 online, compared with hundreds of pounds when it's part of a packaged account.

And bear in mind that manyfee-free bank accounts actually offer better rates than packaged accounts—as well as perks such as travel insurance and cashback.

RD Money EditorVictoria Bischoffis also a personal finance reporter at Citywire Money, an independent website that helps people make the most of their money. Seecitywire.co.uk/money.

CRAFTY CREDIT CARD ‘kt TRICKS

Negative

This is whenyour credit card provider weightsyour repayments toward your cheapest debts (such as 0% deals) first. As a result,your more expensive debts are left to accrue hefty interest, meaning you pay more.

monthly repayments

Remember, if you only ever pay the MMR each month it'll take you years to repay even a relatively modest debt—and cost you a fortune in interest charges.

Unlike with loans, your lender can put your credit card interest rate up any time it wants. If this happens, you can refuse to accept it and continue repayingyour debt at your current rate, but you won't be able to spend any more on your card.

Typical APRs. Be aware that if you have a poor credit rating the "typical APR" on a credit card won't apply to you and you'll end up paying a much higher interest rate on your debt.

Monthly APRs. These rates may sound like a good deal—but they almost always work out more expensive. For example, a 2% monthly APR ends up equating to a whopping annual charge of 27%!

On the Lamb

Marco Pierre White throws a prime joint and trimmings on the barbie

9 4

Barbecues are like expensive holidays. Get them right and there's nothing better, but get them wrong and the disappointment won't go away in a hurry. Leave nothing to Ail chance. Don't just throw on a few chicken Alli wings and bangers—go all the way by tenderising the meat in advance. Your efforts certainly won't go unrewarded.

Americans and Australians have long been barbecue fans, but we're catching up. And for good reason. For many people (well, many men), the barbecue is a ritual, a rite of passage undertaken as soon as the sun emerges.

From my experience, barbecues can also lead to chaos. Egos are bruised, tempers are frayed—and that's just over the lighting of the wretched thing! But don't let that put you off: successful barbecuing is a clear case of practice making (almost) perfect.

The key thing to remember is: don't have the barbecue too hot. If you do, the food will burn rather than cook. A few flames isn't a problem, but you don't want to be dousing them every few minutes with water. This only leads to unhealthy smoke.

I'd recommend serving jacket potatoes with this marinated leg of lamb—they should also be done on the barbecue, wrapped in tin foil for around one hour on medium heat. Offer some sour cream (with a little grain mustard mixed in) on the side. You could add some cherry tomatoes on the vine, also cooked on the barbecue in tin-foil bags with rosemary, garlic, sea salt, a little cracked black pepper and a good drizzle of olive oil. These usually cook quickly—in about five minutes.

Then all you have to do is take the plaudits and glow!

MARINATED BARBECUED LEG OF LAMB

One medium-sized leg of lamb, boned out by your butcher

For the marinade

2 cloves garlic, puréed 100mlolive oil

2 red chillies, diced

2 thyme stalks, picked 2 tbsps honey

ltsp Dijon mustard

1tsp coarse cracked black pepper

50m1sherry vinegar

1. Mix all the marinade ingredients together.

2. Prepare the leg of lamb by making incisions in order to butterfly the leg open, or alternatively have your butcher do this for you (most good butchers will do any meat preparation).

3. Massage the marinade into the meat and store in the fridge for 24 hours priorto use.

4. Don't have the barbecue too

MARCO'S MAGIC

hot—make sure it cooks the meat slowly and doesn't burn it. For best results, invest in a barbecue with a hood to ensure all-over cooking of the leg.

S. When you're satisfied it's cooked (approximately 20 minutes for medium), remove it from the

O barbecue and set aside

to rest for ten minutes. This will allow the meat to relax and stay juicy.

6.Using a sharp knife, carve the leg straight across in long strips and serve.

Marco Pierre White is donating his fee for this column to Macmillan Cancer Support.

MasterChef finalist Alex Rushmer shares one of his favourite recipes

ROASTED POLLOCK WITH CHORIZO, CHICKPEAS AND

(4 people)

200g spinach

150g chorizo sausage

1 small onion, skin removed and finely chopped

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped

Zest and juice of half a lemon

2 tins chickpeas, drained and rinsed

Four pollock fillets, skin on, about 175g each in weight

Cooking oil

25g unsalted butter

Salt and pepper

1.Pre-heat oven to 180°C.

2.Cook the spinach for a minute in rapidly boiling water, then shock in iced

water to help it keep its vibrant green colour.

3.Chop the chorizo sausage into pieces about the size of a 5p piece and fry in a hot pan until the meat begins to release its fat and the edges begin to turn a little brown. Lower the heat and add the onions to the pan. Cook gently for ten minutes, taking care not to burn the onions, then add the garlic, lemon zest and chickpeas. Cook for a further five minutes, then add the spinach and a squeeze of lemon juice.

4.Remove from the heat and keep warm until the fish is ready. Or you could cook this in advance, omittingthe spinach and lemon juice, and reheat it when you're ready, again adding the spinach at the last moment.

5.Rub the pollock on both sides with a little of the cooking oil and season with salt and pepper. Place in a roasting tray skin-side down and dot with butter. Roast for 8-10 minutes or until just cooked throughout. Halfway through cooking, spoon the melted butter over the fillets and return to the oven.

6.Serve the pollock on a pile of the chorizo, chickpeas and spinach with a little lemon juice drizzled over the top. publish. See page 12 for details.

Summer is the perfect excuse for creating cocktails, saysWill Lyons

In August's evening heat, finding the right aperitif can be tricky—but I look on summer as a chance to experiment with cocktails... A couple of ground rules:

El Fill a glass with ice to cool the drink. Plenty of ice also means the ice doesn't melt, which would dilute the cocktail.

• Stick to the classics and avoid anything containing eggs or cream.

Daiquiri:2 shots (25ml) of light rum (I like Havana Club), half a shot of lime juice, a teaspoon of sugar, a dash of Maraschino liqueur. Blend with plenty of ice until slushy and serve.

Martini:One shot of gin and one shot of vermouth. Pour into a glass and add three green olives.

Want to share a recipe? We pay £50 for *** *** add 2 shots of light rum, any we Leffe beer is 1 shot of lime juice and a cover star Martin Freeman's favourite tipple. "You think it's a soft drink but : after two pints it,: '....catches .•..*

Mojito: Smear fresh mint on the bottom of the glass, teaspoon of sugar. Fill with crushed ice, top up with soda water and serve in a longglass, with mint.

Each Bush, At Around 2ft. Tall, Will Give Your Terrace, Patio Or Balcony A Sunny Uplifting 'Mediterranean Feel' With A Profusion Of White, Pink, Yellow, Red and Cream Summer Blooms And Lush-Green Year Round Foliage

Aid a sense of the warm, exotic, Mediterranean to your home with these five 2ft. tall winter hardy Oleander bushes. Very easy to grow, Oleanders thrive on neglect. Hot, dry weather, temperature down to -6 degrees C, no wonder it's one of the UK's favourite hardy exotics! This incredible offer means that each of these stunning plants is just £3.99. A real Garden Bargain!

• Masses of stunning exotic blooms

• Rich, sweet fragrance all Summer long and for many years to come

• Lush, evergreen leafy foliage adds all year round interest

• Easy to grow and very low maintainence

• Each 2ft. high bush will arrive fully established in a 2 litre pot

Solutions

Bob Flowerdew answers your gardening questions

QMy next-door neighbour's lawn is immaculate all summer, whereas mine looks like a piece of waste ground. How can I make my lawn look like next door's, especially as I want to sell the house? I think it'll make a big difference, as I've kept everything else fairly neat and tidy.

You're so right. A welltended garden helps sell a house, whereas any scruffiness might not only lose a sale but also give a prospective purchaser an excuse for bargainingthe price down!

So, first: is the lawn worth saving? Perhaps it might be better stripped off and gravelled down,

with some nice plants or ornaments here and there. But if it's to be saved then you must cut more often—but not too close—and water really frequently. Apply a highnitrogen feed at the same time to stimulate growth and turn it greener. If there are bare or thin patches then make many small holes with a garden fork and rake in grass seed—an inexpensive brand will do fine.

nMy tomatoes in bags on the patio are all developing brown, corky patches on their bottoms, but those in the vegetable plot, which were bought from the same shop, are OK. Could it be my watering? I use a hosepipe on the plot, but water the patio ones from a rain butt.

,1\t The brown patches are almost certainly r- "blossom-end rot". This is becoming a more common physiological problem with tomatoes and you're partly right—it can be aggravated by watering.

However, it's not the type of water but the frequency, or rather lack of it. This problem is rarely seen in plants grown in the ground and most often occurs on plants in bags. The

very small root run causes the plants to dry out in hot weather and these corky patches are the result. A little extra lime in the compost may sometimes help, and using bigger containers much reduces the level of damage. But more frequent watering is usually the best cure. By the way, the unaffected parts of the fruit are still edible.

>> Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time.

READER'S'

JOBS FOR AUGUST

CHILL OUT The height of summer can be a relaxing time in the garden. Little can be sown or planted, the grass pauses from its growth and even the weeding lets up a bit.

But don't forget the watering! This is often a dry month, so as well as all those plants in pots, baskets and containers, remember those in the ground that were planted during the last year. Perennials may be given a bit of feed in their water or top-dressed, but don't give too much or you might make their growth soft and lush, and less resistant to winter's cold.

GET FRUITY

Keep up the harvesting and storing of vegetables and soft fruits. These will be joined this month by the early apples, which are often in glut and don't keep for more than a few days once picked. Turn surpluses into juice or purée and freeze or bottle these. Alternatively, peel, slice and dry apple rings by hanging them on a string in a dry place.

In these cash-strapped times, it pays to use your imagination when edging your flower beds, says Katie Reidy from Thames Ditton, Surrey. "Bricks, rocks or cobblestones are more traditional, but recycled bottles buried neck-down look great in the evening light. I've also used seashells and even coloured pebbles. It's worth experimenting."

>> Email usyour gardening tips and ideas—with photos, if possible—to readersletters@readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay £50 if we use them on this page.

MOULT AWAY

If you're seeing fewer birds in the sky, this means they're going into hiding for their

annual moult—replacing worn old feathers with new ones. But if they lose their feathers they can't fly

Wildlife Watc

Look out for exploding aphids this month, warns Martin Hughes-Games

DRILLING

DOG WHELKS

August is the perfect time for rockpooling. Look out for abandoned shells with small (1-2mm) holes drilled in them—these holes are evidence of a formidable predator at work. The dog whelk may look like just another snail —but if you were a mussel or a limpet,

you'd think differently. The dog whelk has a special boring organ that can drill a hole in its prey—helped by

properly—so what can they do? Ducks, geese and swans become completely flightless and have to hide away for up to four weeks. Others, such as shelduck, have a "moult migration" where they fly to safe havens to moult.

Birds of prey such as the kestrel have a clever system: as the female starts to incubate her eggs, she also starts to moult. But finding food is hard with limited flight ability. The solution? All the time she's incubating, the male brings her food. Once the eggs hatch, her moult is finished and she's ready to fly again to search for food for her chicks.

shell-softening chemicals. It can take 24 hours to bore a hole, but once inside, the dog whelk injects enzymes that turn its prey into a nutritious soup. Imagine! "What's that odd noise?" thinks the limpet. "Oh well, probably nothing to worry about..." Wrong!

Martin HughesGames is a lost of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumnwatch

APHID ATTACK!

The relationship between aphids and ants is quite well known. The aphids provide sweet honeydew for the ants and the ants provide protection for the aphids. But some aphids aren't as helpless

as they seem. Cabbage aphids (the white fluffy ones) store noxious chemicals (mustard oils) in their bodies from the plants they eat. They also produce an "activating" enzyme. When a predator

attacks, ja crunch into the body, causing the chemicals to mix and explode. The aphid is, in effect, a walking mustard-oil bomb. The victim dies, but protects the rest of the colony.

My best holiday ever

Dancing manta rays, thatched hot tubs... Wendy Stickley from Hampshire had a ball in the Maldives

My son Tim was in his second year at Swansea University,studying for a degree in marine biology. He had indicated his "need" of a dry suit for the diving course he hoped would complement his studies.

While this was sensible, it also made an expensive extra, especially since I'd hoped for one final holiday before he left home. Then it hit me—the solution to both our wishes: a holiday in the Maldives, with a diving course included!

outside the huts we stayed in—ours had a thatched hot tub out the back.

The main dining area was a six-minute wander away. Every evening we strolled along the sandy path watching for lizards, geckos and hermit crabs, enjoying the scents from the exotic flowers we passed.

This picture was taken when we indulged in cocktails at the Sundowner Bar one evening. We were sitting at the end of a jetty, watching the most incredible sun setting over an endless sea.

en us of your f holiday, to what m special, include it o we'll pay y addres p o avourite, II us brie ade it so" and if w' n this p ou £75. s on p6.

We flew to Bandos, one of many tiny jewelled islands dotted around a group of atolls in the Maldives. We could walk briskly around its coastline in 15 minutes. Deck-chairs were scattered along the shore,

My son completed his diving qualification, and the final deep-water dive provided an amazing "dance display" from several manta rays, as well as a close encounter with a turtle. And me? Well, eight days of lying on sun-kissed beaches shaded by palm trees—interspersed with snorkelling in what felt like my own personal tropical fish tank—was frankly no hardship. And spending such quality time with my son was just wonderful.

Hayes & Jarvis has a seven-night package to Bandos, including return flights from Heathrow and transfers, from £1,075 per person, with b&b (0871 664 0246, hayesandjarvis.com).

GREAT ESCAPES

3 OF THE BEST: CONTINENTAL CAMPSITES

No need to rough it at any of these sites. Go retro in France near Carcassone in an Airstream caravan; from £396 per week (00 33 5 61 68 11 99, airstreameurope. corn). Boeren Bed has luxury hut-like tents at 12 working farms across the Netherlands; from £395 per week (01420 80804, boerenbed.com). North American tipis come with double beds at Tipi Algarve in Portugal; from £290 per week (00 351 282 471 535, tipialgarve.com).

SWEDES AND THE CITY

Like much of Europe, Gothenburg is gearing up for a festival-filled month. The Gothenburg Culture Festival (August 10-15) is an entirely free street festival featuring ballet, carnival, theatre and classical music. The Way Out West Music Festival (August 12-14) is a pop fest, with Paul Weller

> Edited by Kate Pettifer

among this year's acts. If you can't get there this month, easyJet begins operating daily flights to Sweden's second city from September 6 (from £27.99 one way, including taxes; easyjet.com). Find out more at goteborg.com.

NORFOLK NOSH

Foodie hotel Titchwel I Manor in Norfolk's Brancaster already has two AA rosettes

to its name. Now the restaurant has two new additions: the Eating Rooms, in an airy extension; and a tasting menu with wine (from £75), which means you can sample chef Eric Snaith's seasonal dishes of the day. The hotel's 27 en-suite rooms are the comfortable side of contemporary—far from twee, yet cosy—and start at £110 for b&b (01485 210221; titchwell manor.com).

WEBSITE OF THE MONTH

tripbod.com tripbod

A Tripbod is "your friend at the other end"—one of 99 vetted locals worldwide who can create a tailored itinerary foryou and answer niggly questions to help you plan your holiday. It's like having a guide book that answers back. Your Tripbod can also be more topical, suggesting events that tie in with the dates of your visit. Packages start at £16 for a four-day itinerary. The website is clearly signposted (with explicit terms and conditions) and getting started is easy.

The RD

1. Rearrange the following letters to give three words. All six letters must be used in each word.

ADEHRT

As you bask in the warm summer glow, let some sunshine into your mind as well with these six taxing questions, once again supplied by the high-IQ society Mensa. Allow yourself 20 minutes and let your brain off its leash!

2. The top half and the bottom half of this grid are on two rotating systems. When they move round, they will realign so that four associated words are read downwards. What are they?

uH (9-amelaan puoDas aLpino )1.10M of pasn aq uaLp ueD Lp!qm'V3d NI3adV0 u!Jallai a 01 spuodsauoD log wics LIDPD—ueaq pecu8 (s pJedsol uoip2 e }ley Lp!m'saA (t,uaqwnuls.iy aLn olauo ppe uaLp `auo Xicipinw wollo9 uaqwnuls.njaLp of aaJql ppe uaqVaaJulAci icidninw—M0.1 ppm.Jaqwnu lvyaLp of @ALI ppe uaL0`55L4 /(q /(idqinw doi L PLR 9 L (E'aeywpopque saDeid aaJLRIDDle10-15! }leg &nap uaqm pea, aq ueD >ins pueeqnD`re9 `@4>IS Pue Panal 'Peal(-1. ( L ,S213AASNV

3. What numbers should replace the question marks? 6 30 11 12 36 15

4. A fire engine travels seven miles to a fire at a speed of 40mph. Its tank holds 500 gallons of water, but it's been leaking throughout the journey at a rate of 20 gallons per hour. The fire engine will need 496 gallons of water to put out the fire. Will it succeed?

5.If x # z + % [$# is the code for GARDEN PEA

what vegetable is written below in code?

! £ @ # + ! $ # %

6. In the box provided, place a three-letter word that can be attached to the beginning of the given words to form four longer words, one of which is a name. What is the three-letter word?

SO HOW DID YOU SCORE?

One point for every correct answer

0-1 Only a tiddler, sadly.Throw it back.

2-3 A decent enough catch, but there are plenty more fish in the sea.

4-5 You cast your line a long way. Soon you'll be hooking a monster.

6 It's a prizewinner! Now for a feast!

In Diana's footsteps:the British girl who's clearing mines in Mozambique

Jeremy Vineon skinny dipping and dodging death

Who's a fan ofThomas the Tank Engine?

(Apart from you, of course!)

Secrets from theworld's greatest matchmaker

7 simple health checks that could save your life

PLUS:we put your knowledge of classical music to the test...

Reader's Digest: small, but perfectly informed

Books

A N WILSON ON A GREAT BATCH OF NEW BOOKS— NOT ALL OF THEM FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED

Candia What to ,i,o,pk for in nter: A Metmoir in

WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN WINTER

by Candia McWilliam (Jonathan Cape, £16.99)

For sheer technical skill, Candia McWilliam (born 1955) is the best British writer of her generation. Her early fiction had an unrivalled attack and tone, but after that, there was silence.

Now her long and completely absorbing memoir explains why: alcoholism, two marriages, a rocky affair— and then she went blind, with a rare condition that meant she couldn't open her eyelids. The book is agut-wrenching confession, written with elegance and with disarming, sometimes shocking, candour. The result will make you gasp—but my God it is brilliant.

a sex maniac kidnaps a young woman and keeps her captive, hidden away in a soundproof shed or cellar? Well, that's the "room" of the title. The story is told, with unsurpassed panache, by the woman's five-year-old son Jack. You seethe whole nightmare through his eyes, and the details—his waist-length hair, the food he and his mother eat, the games they play to keep sane, how he has to hide in the wardrobe when "Old Nick" comes in at nights—are all chillingly convincing. Room will certainly be much garlanded, and it will deserve every prize it gets.

Fantastic—but deeply,

Cover star deeply disturbing. /Martin Freeman's% favourite book is Animal Farm. TIGERLILY'S

ORCHIDS

"I read it at vi and it by Ruth Rendell changed the way / I view the (Hutchinson, E18.99) world"

...........

•I would read any novel by Ruth Rendell. She keeps up an amazingly high standard.

Her latest is set in a block of flats in

by Emma Donoghue (Picador, £12.99)

Here's a health warning.Don't read this book if you want a nice comfort-novel.

You know those awful stories that crop up from time to time:

a boring North London suburb, but is a ROOM far from boring tale. The wide range of characters includes three young women sharing a flat, ayoung man having an unwise adulterous affair, a paedophile and an elderly female alcoholic—and all are superbly drawn. The plot is one of those (like Hitchcock's Psycho) that appears to be leading in one horrific direction and then lurches in another. The false trail (which begins when young

Stuart's adultery is discovered, with violent consequences) proves utterly gripping. The main story—concerning the mysterious "Tigerlily", a beautiful oriental girl living opposite—leads to even more painful mayhem. The real joy of the novel, though, lies in the details of observed life.

ANNE FRANK: THE BOOK, THE LIFE, THE AFTERLIFE

by Francine Prose (Atlantic, £16.99)

Millions of us have readThe Diary of Anne Frank, but this book made me think about it in quite new ways. It emphasises what an amazing, potentially great, writer the Amsterdam teenager who died in Auschwitz was. Francine Prose explores Frank's writerly emendations of a diary that she clearly intended not merely as a record of the Jewish plight in Nazi-occupied Holland, but as a work of literature. Yet, the very fact that the diary is so well written has been taken by the hateful Holocaust deniers as part of their "evidence" that it's a forgery.

This is an account of a remarkable young woman, of a remarkable piece of writing, of the horrifying historical situation which gave birth to it, and of the reaction of posterity to what remains one of the most extraordinary books ever written. As Prose puts it: "If one hallmark of a masterpiece is the burrlike tenacity with which it sticks in our memory, Anne Frank's journal claims that status." Highly recommended.

RD Book Club

Each month,we invite you to read our recommended paperback and let us have your comments and marks out of ten. Our professional critic A N Wilson then reads the same book and we report on how your views compare with his.

AUGUST'S CHOICE

When Colm Toibin's Brooklyn begins, Eilis Lacey is ayoung Irish woman living with her widowed mother in 195os Wexford. But then a visiting American priest gets her a job in his New York parish—and Eilis sets off for a new life in America. She is beginning to settle in at last when bad news from home calls her back to Ireland...

THE VERDICT

Brooklyn takes place at a traumatic time in Irish history. Independence was supposed to have meant an end to large-scale emigration, but even by the 195os job opportunities remained scarce. (Eilis's brothers have all gone to find work in England.) Yet, while there have been plenty of novels about people in the grip of great historical forces, this one is different from most in that Eilis doesn't ever really notice. Instead, she just gets on with things.

The same applies to what in other novels might have been agonising personal dilemmas. Although quite sharp and clever, Eilis tends to go along with

other people's plans for her and then makes the best of them.

And it was precisely the book's quiet approach to its own material that divided the book club this month. Most of you felt Eilis's passivity was entirely convincing— especially for a woman of that place and time. (One reader even suggested that the novel made "a refreshing change from chick-lit, where unlike the rest of us, women always end up 'in control of their own lives'.") Even so, there was a solid minority who felt that the result was just a bit too quiet—ie, dull.

Perhaps surprisingly, this minority had a firm ally in A N Wilson, who thought that what many other critics have praised as Toibin's "understatement" was "a literary device that ran the risk of being very, very, very BORING". For this reason, he awarded Brooklyn a measly 5/1o.The average amongyou more patient readers was 8/10.

Although A N Wilson might not agree, our Critic of the Month is Mary Doyle from Lancashire, who wins £100 in book tokens for this warm appreciation.

"I foundBrooklyn a joyto read. Though the plot and writing style are simple enough, the empathy I felt with the characters was intense, and I believed Eilis's reactions completely. I'm not sure if it should matter, but this seemed even more impressive because the author is a man.

"I also loved the two settings: smalltown Ireland and big-city America— which in Eilis's neighbourhood was unexpectedly similar to small-town Ireland. And, for all the lack of flashiness, I did badly want to find out what happened

in the end. When it came,the resolution was both unpredictable and satisfying. I would highly recommend this quietly powerful book."

Coming up:

SEPTEMBERJuliet, Naked by Nick Hornby (Penguin, £7.99)

OCTOBER The Ghost by Robert Harris (Arrow, £7.99)

NOVEMBERJane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

We've had several requests to throw in the odd classic—so here is one: Charlotte Bronte's much-loved tale of love, death and mad women in attics.

If you've read the book before, did it seem different on rereading? If you haven't, can you see why it's a classic? Either way, does it still stand up in 2010?

Please send your comments and marks out of ten by September 15. (The deadline forThe Ghost is August 15.) Comments, thoughts and reviews of all kinds and all lengths are welcome. In return, we'll give £100 in book tokens to the Critic of the Month and publish their verdict—in edited form—here.

Happy reading!

ADDRESS:RD Book Club, Reader's Digest, 157 Edgware Road, London W2 2HR.

Email: bookclub@readersdigest.co.uk.

Read a good book recently that you'd like us to feature in our Book Club? Send your suggestions to the email address above.

Books that changed y life

Nicholas Shakespeare is a former literary editor of The Daily Telegraph, and an award-winning novelist and biographer. His latest novel Inheritance is out now.

KING ARTHUR AND HIS KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE

by Roger Lancelyn Green

My father was a diplomat, so I spent my childhood abroad. One weekend in Malaya I was discovered curled up in my room with tears blurring my eyes. "It's Arthur," I snuffled when asked what was wrong, "He's died." This was the first book that made me weep. I found the tales intoxicating. When that mysterious hand flashes out of the water to clasp the thrown-away sword I felt, in some primitive way, that it was grabbing me too. I have looked for that kind of intensity in books ever since, but found it only in diminishing quantities.

DECLINE AND FALL

by Evelyn Waugh

I was 13 when I read this book and it also made me cry—with laughter. Every sentence carries Waugh's unique fingerprint and the novel includes some of my favourite lines in literature. When Kingsley Amis and John Mortimer had to read sections of Decline and Fall for a TV programme I made about Waugh, we

could barely finish filming because they were laughing so much. Paul Pennyfeather suffers terrible trials and tribulations without having done anything wrong, so there is immense sadness pervading the book as well. It's a flawless novel.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I reviewed this book when it came out and when I finished reading it I remember thinking, "That's it. I might as well put down my own pen because it says everything I've ever wanted to say." It embraces such a vast canvas of emotions and experiences—love, death, disease, politics—yet it's funny and tender too . And beneath the conventional love story runs something much more subversive: the idea that you might have to wait an entire lifetime to be worthy of getting what you want. I felt this book spoke directly to me—and of course millions of other readers have felt exactly the same.

Gabriel Garcia iviirquez

Astold to Caroline Hutton

Laughter)

THE BEST MEDICINE

> A homeless man was sitting on the pavement during the rush hour when a well-dressed banker walked by. "Any change?" the homeless man asked. "No, I'm still a greedy b******," the banker replied. Chris Herodotou, My PC is so powerful it can bend the space-time continuum. It's able to make "Five seconds remaining" last an hour

> How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

M Anderson,

> How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ah, one. Ah, two. Ah, one, two, three, four.

Jon Lewis,Roby, Merseyside

"Psst...wanna buy a coat?"

> I angered some Mafia hit men on Monday. Then, this morning, I woke up to find my wife's head on the pillow next to me. The rest of her body was still attached— I'm just saying, it's been a bad week.

> My friend had a verruca. It went septic and he ended up with gangrene. He then went on to win £9.7 million on the lottery.

Still, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Terry Sangster,BeLoogron, Merseysid

What happens if you get excited during a French lesson? A bit of oui comes out

Tracy Davidson, Armscote, Warwickshire

Eire and comic graces

Irish comedian Jason Byrne on the funny things he's heard in his homeland. My neighbour and I passed a woman on the road walking a dog. My neighbour said, "Oh, there's Google."

"Why is she called Google?" I asked.

"Because she knows everything, the nosy cow."

A man in Kerry was selling seagulls on a pier. They were 2.50 euros for one, or a fiver for three.

A tourist goes up to him, says, "I'll have one please," and hands over his money.

The Kerry man points to the sky and says, "See that one there? That's your one."

Jason Byrne appears at the Assembly Hall, Edinburgh, August 5-30.

WORKING

THEIR NOTICEThingsyou didn't know needed a sign

BEWARE OF PEOPLE HITTING ON YOU WHEN YOU WASH YOUR HANDS

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of the same car crash, it makes you wonder about history

Lois Jones, Ruthin, Denbighshire

One is tweeting It seems as if everyone gives regular Twitter updates about what they're doing these days. But the Queen has, so far, resisted. No matter—her online impersonator (twitter.com/Queen_UK) is just as fun.

FAQueen UK

The DoE has a raging hangover after yesterday's 89th birthday dinner. Lord alone knows where Andrew is: last seen playing the bagpipes at 3am.

Philip, you're not going out dressed as a Canadian Mountie and that is the end of it. Canada Day or not.

Shetland Pony Grand National at Windsor with schoolchildren on small horses. Wondered initially if one had attended Cabinet by mistake.

After last night's Eurovision bad contest, one is enjoying a little

Queen's Greatest Hits. "Bismillah! No! One will not let you go!"

Edward,you're not coming to Wimbledon. And, besides, those shorts are too tight.

No, the Duke of York most certainly does not have 10,000 men. He has one ex-wife and that's proved difficult enough to control.

Duchess of Cornwall disappointed not to have accompanied the Prince of Wales to Glastonbury. What that girl hasn't done under canvas.

HAVE YOU GOT AN ODD USE FOR AN EVERYDAY ITEM? YOU COULD WIN £200!

We want to hear about your weird or creative uses for ordinary objects. It could be using butter as hair gel, paper clips as replacement zips,

half tennis balls as ear protectors or Coca-Cola to clean the toilet (this really works). Whatever! Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk by August 10. Mark your submission "everyday items" and include your name, address and telephone number. Your submission could feature in a forthcoming article and the best five will win £200!

They say "Never meet your heroes".This may well be true. I met my hero Burt Reynolds in LA once. I interviewed him, it went well and he asked my name.

"Alex Zane," I said.

"I'll remember that," he replied.

The following day, by chance, a friend and I walked into a bar on Sunset Boulevard and there was Burt. I said, "He knows me, does Burt."

My friend refused to believe me, so we walked over and I said, "Hi, Burt. I interviewed you yesterday."

"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's Alan, right? Alan Zone."

ComedianAlex Zane

Alex's show "Just One More Thing" is at the King Dome, Edinburgh, August 4-30.

> Did you hear about the male chauvinist who got stuck in a lift with a beautiful young girl?

She took all her clothes off and shouted, "Make me feel like a real woman!"

So he ripped off all his clothes, threw them on the floor and said, "Here, fold these."

Danielle Leadbeater,

> I love spending my Sundays watching Fl.

My wife thinks I'm going mental, though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard.

> Don't you hate that awkward moment in a restaurant when you realise you don't know how much to tip?

Your companion tells you you're tipping far too much, but you ignore them and fall backwards offyour chair into the fish tank.

> BREAKING NEWS:

A group of terrorists have stormed the England football team's coach and taken the players hostage. Unless their demands are met,they say they'll release one player every hour.

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Beat the Cartoonist

WIN £200 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the comedy experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in midAugust alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their

favourite and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £200 and the original, signed drawing.Submit your captions to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 6 by August 10.You can also enter and vote online at readersdigest. co.uk/caption_contest.php. We'll announce the winner in our October issue.

JUNE'S WINNER

A landslide victory this month for reader Robert Falconer from Cardiff. His caption "My client is suing because his employers failed to observe basic elf and safety rules"gained 70 per cent of the highest number of votes ever. The cartoonist's "In mitigation, m'lud, my client comes from a broken toadstool"got four per cent. Oops.

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