Reader's Digest UK Apr 2015

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e DI tor’s letter

like many othe R s, i suspect, I rushed to Google when I was told that Charles and Camilla were about to celebrate their tenth anniversary. Could it really be that long since they tied the knot, amid a chorus of disapproval? Yet, as our feature on p50 points out, our perception of the royal couple has come a long way since then. Although Camilla may not have replaced the late Princess Diana in

she’s done

A celebrity of a very different kind— the actor Brian Cox—is interviewed on p22. His new BBC series The Game proves that he’s still as intense as ever, after nearly 50 years on stage and screen. Pet lovers, meanwhile, might be interested to discover what their beloved cats or dogs are really thinking. Find out on p68.

Finally, as winter turns to spring, it’s time to get on your bikes and explore the lovely British countryside. The best routes can be found on p60, so there’s no excuse for laziness!

tom Browne

theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk

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Finally, it’s a cat takeover!

Our catty friends are taking over the Reader’s Digest website—for one month only. Cute, funny, intellegent and manipulative, these feline fatales have got us wrapped around their tails. We run through our favourite cats in popular culture, from films to fashion; take a peek into their history to find out why they are such a hit; and provide some top tips for cat owners.

Listen to our Podcast

This month we interview Louise Lee, author of The Last Honeytrap, discuss modern slang in the new Digested Youth section, and shine a spotlight on TV detectives. Go to readersdigest.co.uk/podcast or download on iTunes.

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Over to You

letters o N the F ebruar Y I ssue

We pay £50 for letter of the month and £30 for all others

✯ letter of the month...

I felt quite emotional after reading your article “Young Carers In Focus”. I’ve been disabled for over 20 years and my 12-yearold daughter helps my husband to look after me.

Nothing is too much trouble for her—she’s a very helpful girl. Children and young people like my daughter, and the youngsters in the article, deserve to be commended for what they do.

Well done for highlighting an issue that’s mostly kept in the dark.

geraldine miller, Liverpool

inspirational

Hopefully your article about carers means that readers now know more about the thousands of youngsters across the country who are supporting family members living with various issues.

My friend’s son left university with a first-class degree, but three years on his only job is looking after his mum, who’s in a wheelchair. Just like the carers in your feature, he never complains, and he inspires me to be a better person.

genna burton, Clwyd

shedding your worries

I can really relate to your article on psoriasis (“More Than Skin Deep”). Mine first appeared when I was about nine years old—it just sprung up very quickly. I had to attend hospital twice a week for sun-ray treatment followed by being coated in coal tar ointment. It never did any good, and after six months I stopped going.

Where I lost out, though, was when the rest of my class at school had swimming lessons, and I’d make any excuse not to take my clothes

off—and so I never learned to swim. I also always wore long trousers to cover my knees and long-sleeve shirts to cover my elbows.

But as I grew up, I became less interested in what people thought and started to wear shorts and t-shirts every day. I’m now approaching 70, and the spots and scales have virtually disappeared. It seems to me that the less I worried what people thought, the more it died down.

t g f kigHt, Nottingham

fair and balanced

Shami Chakrabarti’s “If I Ruled the World” was a good read, and I agree that no one should be punished without trial. When my nephew was accused of something, it made headlines in his local paper. He was innocent but, having been through the trauma of the paper reports, there was no mention afterwards about the outcome of his case.

Such gross unfairness demonstrates that newspapers should only report on cases once they have been judged.

carys mccaully, London

what was that?

The “60-Second Stand-Up” with Richard Herring referred to his touring show “Lord of the Dance

Settee,” a pun on the traditional hymn lyrics, “Lord of the Dance, said he.”

Readers who enjoy your regular “Word Power” column might appreciate that this is an example of a “mondegreen”, also known as a misheard song lyric. It derives from a line in a Scottish ballad: “They have slain the Earl o’ Moray and laid him on the green”—the last part of which, when clumsily pronounced, was sung as “Lady Mondegreen.”

JoHn samson, Edinburgh

RD: If you have any other examples of “mondegreens”, please send them in!

an old friend

I’ve always had very fond memories of Reader’s Digest . My grandad used to get it every month when I was a child. Once he’d finished reading it, he would pass it on to my mum, and once my mum had read it then I was allowed to. I can still remember the excitement I felt holding the unread magazine in my hand, knowing I had hours of entertainment ahead of me.

When I asked my partner for a subscription for Christmas, I did wonder whether it could live up to my expectations, but three decades later, I have not been disappointed!

karen francis, Surrey

Alexa Meade’s models don’t just serve as a reference for her paintings—they are also the canvas. In contrast to other body painters, this 28-yearold American doesn’t strive to make her subjects look photorealistc. Quite the opposite: She renders three-dimensional people and objects visually into two-dimensional surfaces, therby transforming the subjects themselves into living, temporary works of art.

From pub life to domestic bliss, James Brown’s former flatmate is on his way to the alter

The Making Of Marriage Material

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: “We can’t concentrate, why should you?”

My old houseMate Matthew is getting married to his girlfriend Zara, after a romantic proposal under crazy skies on a trip to Iceland. This wasn’t too much of a shock— as relationships go, you could see it coming.

They met five years ago, moved in together, get on very well and are a fantastic match. He’s into the outdoors, mountain biking, kayaking, music, history and drinking, while she’s very creative, into all sorts of courses and loves historical locations.

When he first met her, across the desk where they worked, he referred to her as “the Henry VIII Woman” because she was always talking about weekend trips to Hampton Court. Their mutual interest in history crossed, and ever since it’s been a whirlwind of castle visits, dressing up in costumes and champagne boat trips down the Thames. If a weekend went by without photos appearing on Facebook of Matthew dressed like Flashman or Zara holding a shotgun outside a stately home, you knew one of them must be ill.

I suspected a proposal could be on its way, but to those of us who new Matt pre-Zara, there’s still a bit of disbelief. Or, as my 13-year-old son said, “Matthew’s getting married? What? Wow!”

I should say at this point that this in no way a comment on his bride-to-be—it was just a sort of shock when you consider how Matthew used to be.

thankfully and surprisingly, Matthew’s gradual shift from wild man of rock—he spent many of the last 20 years designing record covers for Oasis and enjoying the high life alongside the band—towards

impending marriage material has left him in a state of euphoria.

As we chatted over lunch recently, I needed to take a reality check while listening to Matthew rave about the place we were all staying at for the

wedding, which is in a small Scottish village. How thrilled he was that he’s booked a Ceilidh band with a caller. How he hopes the immediate postceremony drinks can take place in the orchard at the back of his granny’s cottage before heading to the hall for the reception.

One of his best attributes it that he’s a natural enthusiast for everything he throws himself into. But he was unstoppable—I felt like I’d somehow found myself in a northern version of Four Weddings and a Funeral. I turned to Zara and said, “Matthew’s very excited about the wedding.” To which she wisely replied, “Yes, he needs to calm down a bit.”

a mountain in Borneo, India or Scotland at any time of the year, he would have packed his bag and reappeared in waterproofs within seconds. The idea that after lunch he was going off to get his wedding ring engraved was a bit like finding out the Pope supports Rangers.

The idea that he was getting his wedding ring engraved was a bit like finding out the Pope supports Rangers

This is an individual who, when we lived together, would rarely eat from a plate if a kebab wrapper was available. Whose social life revolved so much around the pub that my young son would arrive from his mum’s and ask, “Is Matthew out having a few scoops with Dave?” and whose social circle was centred around the four Daves he knew.

Historically, if you’d asked Matthew if he fancied going up

but t he point of all this is that friends getting married with such utter enthusiasm is a very good reason to be cheerful.

My girlfriend and I have been to three weddings in the last year, and all have been really nice affairs— and on each occasion I managed to carry my girlfriend home before she demolished too much free booze!

I think we’re both quite calm about not getting married, though. I did propose once in a very funny moment, but I’m not sure what really happened to that. Also, there’s the fact that I’ve been married before. Looking back, I think I was probably too young to get married—I was 32 and I certainly didn’t approach it with the right attitude.

I guess that’s the most important thing when you’re getting married— that each person wants it as much as the other. If there’s even the slightest

reluctance, there’s a good chance that it might grow into something more serious like resentment. But I don’t think this is going to be the case with Matthew and Zara— interesting people with their own hobbies and passions, alongside the things they have in common, tend to do well.

The big question now is what we’ll be wearing on the big day. The odds of it being a 21st-century dress code are, I’m afraid, virtually nil. It’s in late August, so a suit of armour is out of the question. And I haven’t got a clue where I’m going to get a hawk whose plumage will match my leggings…

budding authors, take a bow!

This surreal and topsy-turvy tale was one of thousands submitted to last year’s 100-Word-Story Competition. We’re publishing a commended story every month, and look out for the winners of this year’s prize in next month’s issue.

untitled

I remember that day. the day the earth stood still. I was making a cup of tea. have you ever seen a kettle pour up towards your ceiling? I have. It formed a waterfall up my wall and a puddle round my light. It was a morning in october, when the leaves were falling from the trees one minute then falling from the earth the next. the day that little helen lost her doggy. he jumped for a frisbee and didn’t stop. shame really. the tears wouldn’t stop falling up her face. that was the day God took back gravity. Kirsty Simon, creative writing student

Kirsty says: “Writing is one of the few things that has always come naturally to me. The idea for this particular piece came from a discussion I had with a friend about what makes a short story good. “Write about the end of the world,” he said. “Audiences love that sort of stuff.” But I don’t do dark stories, so the line, “I remember that day. The day the earth stood still,” was written, and instead of a shocking, heartbreaking piece you got this. I definitely prefer it!” Kirsty will receive a cheque for £50

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Films

Movie of the Month

by tom browne and laura dean-osgood

A strange friendship: Florence Pugh and Maisie Williams

■ drama: the falling With British cinema in love with Downton-style period dramas, it’s rare to find a film that takes its cue from art-house flicks such as Don’t Look Now and Picnic at Hanging Rock. Set in an all-girls school in the 1960s, the film centres around Lydia (Maisie Williams), a troubled and neglected child who forges a friendship with the sexually precocious Abbie (Florence Pugh). But things take an odd turn when Lydia starts suffering from fainting spells, which quickly spread to the other pupils. Those looking for clear resolutions may find The Falling frustrating, but its dreamy atmosphere proves irresistible if you’re prepared to go with it, and there are some fine performances at its surreal core.

■ historical: the water diviner Russell Crowe’s directorial debut revisits a familiar topic in Australian history: the Battle of Gallipoli in 1915. The film, unusually, tells the story from both the Australian and Turkish perspectives, although mainly through the eyes of Joshua Connor (Crowe), who travels to Turkey to reclaim the bodies of his three sons. The subject is affecting, but too many cliched scenes attest to Crowe’s inexperience behind the camera.

■ thriller: Child 44

This muchanticipated movie adaptation of Tom Rob Smith’s gripping novel is yet another chance for British actor Tom Hardy to show off his excellent accent skills. Set in Soviet Russia in 1953, Hardy plays a disgraced MGB agent trying to unravel a string of brutal child murders in Moscow. With the help of his wife (Noomi Rapace) and a steely general (Gary Oldman), the investigation stumbles upon a systemic cover-up.

Music

by mandi goodier

Sometimes i Sit and think, Sometimes i Just Sit

by courtney barnett

Album of the Month

Since A Sea of Split Peas, her 2013 EP, all eyes have been fixed on Melbourne-based singer-songwriter Courtney Barnett, who stands apart from other acoustic-guitar-inhand performers that may spring to mind. Lyrically, Barnett is a force to be reckoned with. In her hands, the mundane becomes a witty stream of consciousness loaded with humour. Vocally she has Sheryl Crow’s 1990s attitude, while musically the album is electrified and rockin’ from the off.

Barnett’s occasionally self-deprecating lyrics are difficult to assimilate when coupled with her immense talent, but in general they add to her relatability— after all, isn’t the anxiety of the everyday something that affects us all?

Key tracks: “Pedestrian At Best”, “Small Poppies”, “Depreston”

Like this? You may also like: Waxahatchee, Jeffrey Lewis, The Breeders

overlooked record from the Past Power fuerza

by ghetto brothers

Between the Beatles-led British Invasion of the US in the 1960s and the South Bronx gang wars of the 1970s, the Ghetto Brothers was born. All-round good guys, the Ghetto Brothers—a gang inspired by the socialism of their native Puerto Rico —cleared the streets of drug dealers and organised food drives. They also recorded Power-Fuerza, a feelgood album of Beatles-esque melodies set against a backdrop of funky Latin percussion.

Charged with the belief that “music is the common language of the world”, this is the perfect soundtrack for the shift of seasons into spring.

On Our Radar

rhs Flower show, april 7–19 The floral festival that sees Cardiff in full bloom.

shakespeare’s birthday, april 23–26 Celebrate the Bard’s life in Stratford-upon-Avon.

london marathon, april 26

A great day out for runners and spectators.

Brian Cox, 68, is a veteran actor of both stage and screen, famous for his work with the royal Shakespeare Company as well as numerous hollywood roles

Brian Cox

“I Remember”

…getting lost—at the end of our street. When I was three, I tried to follow my dad Charles back to work after his lunch break. But he disappeared and, even though I was only a couple of hundred yards from our house, I remember thinking, I’m never going to see my mum and dad again . I was missing for about five hours.

…My d ad has always been a Mythical figure. He was a grocer with a shop off the Wellgate in Dundee and was very sweet and kind. But I remember him and my mum Molly fighting a lot. Mum went away to Blackpool

for a while and he would take me down to a holiday-camp childcare centre, make sure I was OK, then go off and talk to her for the day. Eventually, they had a reconciliation. Then Dad died. I was eight.

Mum had a nervous breakdown a year later, so my youngest sister Irene, who was only about 20, looked after me. Then she went to Canada, so my eldest sister Betty stepped in. But it was a difficult time, and I became very self-sufficient.

…the cineMa becaMe My babysitter. I was always passionate about what would eventually become my

From left to right: A young Brian among friends; with his mother Molly in 1955; Brian’s parents in 1928

career. I’d skip school and watch three films back-to-back. My heroes were all American: James Dean, Marlon Brando, Spencer Tracey, Jerry Lewis. It wasn’t the US glamour that appealed so much as the fact that many of these actors were Celtic émigrés, so I identified with them. I was just a young child, but I was watching great movies like East of Eden and On the Waterfront they affected me profoundly.

…i Managed to get locked in the cineMa when i was about ten. I’d gone to see the James Dean film Giant, dozed off and had fallen between the seats, so no one spotted me when they were clearing up at the end of the screening. I had to break out by

undoing these big bolts on the door. Running home, I passed one of those Tardis-style police boxes. A voice said, “Where are you going?” I thought the box was speaking to me.

“I’ve been in the cinema,” I replied.

“But it’s four o’clock in the morning!” said the voice, and I was taken back to my sister, who’d been going crazy.

I don’t know why I have this habit

of getting lost in my life. I think it’s about always wanting to travel; to be going somewhere.

…school really didn’t serve Me. I had a gift for communication, so my primary-school headmaster would come into the class and say something like, “Cox, won’t you go and get me a stylus for my Philips radiogram?” But I’d make my way to the shops, get one, then just wander around all morning. So I failed my 11 plus and went to a technical secondary school.

I wasn’t happy—a fish out of water. I’m quite sad, looking back, that I poopooed learning some of the skills it could have taught me, such as joinery. But in the end I did OK, and I started my acting career by performing little sketches in end-of-term reviews.

…a fight on the stairs and i knew acting was for Me. A guy from my school had been working at Dundee Repertory Theatre as an assistant, but he was off to drama school. So one of my teachers suggested I apply for his job. When I turned up for my interview, I found an actor and stage manager brawling and hurling abuse at each other on the stairs.

“It’s all right, darling,” another actor told me casually. “They’ve just had a night on the tiles.”

He called me darling! They were brawling! I was only 15 and this was my first experience of the theatre, but I was absolutely sold. I got the job too.

Playing the original Hannibal Lecter in Manhunter in 1986

I was able to see a lot of actors come and go at Dundee, and noticed that the ones with the best work ethic got into LAMDA [London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art]. I thought, That’s the place I want to go. A LAMDA voice coach called Kristin Linklater came up to do a workshop and our artistic director Bill Davis—later the smoking man in The X-Files—suggested I take part. I did, Kristin helped me with my audition and I got in, aged just 16.

…trying to get a legless Michael g a M bon on stage. After LAMDA, I joined the company of the

Lyceum Theatre, Edinburgh, then had a great couple of years at Birmingham Rep, playing the lead in Peer Gynt and Iago in Othello . The day of my first marriage—March 23, 1968—coincided with a matinee performance of Othello, but we all got drunk after the ceremony in the morning. I found Michael Gambon, who was playing Othello, asleep behind a door in our hotel. We only had a few minutes until the show, so I had to escort him over to my small dressing room where we both started to get changed really quickly.

Suddenly, he stood up and said, “Right, I’m ready!”

“Mike,” I replied, “You’ve forgotten to black up.”

So he just got a couple of make-up sticks, melted them on a light bulb, smeared them down his face and said, “There!” And on he went.

… M y first big tv role—in full colour. I had a leading role in The Year of the Sex Olympics in 1968, BBC2’s first major colour production. I remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated while we were rehearsing. The only print of that programme still left, ironically, is in black and white.

My first film role

was playing Leon Trotsky in Nicholas and Alexandra in 1971. It holds up well, but I remember Jimmy Hazeldine, who was playing Stalin, had a Lancashire accent—he’d come on and say, “Ma name’s Stalin. Jooseph Stalin.” I was given these shut-stick glasses that I couldn’t see anything out of. I was trying to exit the room in one scene but I couldn’t find the door handle. You can see me fumbling around.

…always being late at the r oyal s hakespeare c o M pany. My time there, 1986 to 1989, was a key part of my career. But I kept turning up for performances with just minutes to go, which annoyed my understudy. I decided to get a mobile so I could at least tell people when I was delayed, but I had to go all the way over to Stratford, east London, the morning before

Opposite Tim Roth in the historical epic Rob Roy in 1995

a matinee. New phones took a few days to come online back then, and on the way back there was the most almighty traffic jam. By the time I arrived, my understudy had claimed his right to perform. My attempt to stop being late had made me later than ever. Still, the audience groaned when it was announced I wouldn’t be performing, so I thought, Oh, well, that’s nice.

…My first year in hollywood was crazy. I’d played Hannibal Lecter in Manhunter [in 1986, five years before Anthony Hopkins reprised the role in The Silence of the Lambs ] and I appeared in Braveheart and Rob Roy , which brought me to the attention of directors. But I was in Glasgow producing a series of acting masterclasses on TV in 1996 when I got this

Brian with his second wife, actress Nicole Ansari

call saying, “They want you in Toronto to be in The Long Kiss Goodnight. ” So I got on the plane, they put me in this costume and I was filming.

As a CIA director in The Bourne Identity, the first film in the series

When I went back ten days later to do the next masterclass, the same thing happened again. This time it was, “Tommy Lee Jones has walked off the set of this film called Chain Reaction . They want you instead.” I ended up doing five movies, one after another.

…chain reaction was fil M ed in chicago, where it was bitterly cold. Morgan Freeman was also in the film and he’s from the Deep South, so he hated it. The director asked us to improvise some dialogue in a scene in a lift, but Morgan didn’t feel like it. So, not knowing what to do, I just started singing “On top of Old Smokie…” followed by “Amazing Grace” all the way up this building, trying to make my character seem eccentric. Then Morgan’s character shot me.

… M eeting M y future second wife, then not seeing her for seven years. I was on tour with King Lear in Hamburg in 1991 and chatted to this young actress called Nicole Ansari for ages at a party. I never met her again, but when I was in Art on Broadway in 1998, the doorman said, “This nice-looking broad left a note for you last night.” It was weird. I thought, If I open that note, my life will change. Nicole was in town and wanted to meet up, but I was performing that night and she was flying home the next day. But I got her a free ticket for the show and it turned out that her flight was overbooked, so she stayed for a few more days. The rest is history.

…i’ve done a lot of big Movies such as t he Bourne i dentity and X-Men 2, but the RED films were particularly good fun. In RED 2, I got to kiss Helen Mirren for the first time since 1974, when I played her lover in a TV production called The Changeling. That first kiss was a bit of a shock because her character made all the running, so second time around was much better.

… M y proudest achieve M ent is M y children. My oldest boy Alan, from my first marriage, is an actor in his forties who does amazing improvisation. His sister Margaret is a teacher and filmmaker in Russia. But I’ve since had two other boys—Orson, 13, and Gorin, ten. Although it was a shock for Alan suddenly to have much younger brothers, he and Margaret have both been fantastic with them.

lamy

A tender moment with Helen Mirren in RED 2

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Alan’s like a big uncle, and better at being tough with them than me. These two families have come together and I’ve got this happy home life. I split my time between London and Brooklyn. New York is a little crammed, but a great town.

Brian in his

…revisiting M y wasted youth. When I was filming [new BBC2 Cold War drama] The Game recently, I found myself in Birmingham Rep. That small dressing room I shared with Michael Gambon on the day of my wedding, drunk as skunks, was still there. It had barely changed!

…i don’t have a career highlight. The RSC was a very good time for me. I’ve had hits on Broadway,

Manhunter was great and there’s all the other big films I’ve done. But nothing particularly surpasses the time before or after. Life just gets better. As told to Simon Hemelryk

room with a view?

Cut through travel-agent patter with this handy jargon buster:

says: Compact swimming pool. means: bidet.

says: We would strongly recommend hiring a car. means: you’re 103 miles from the nearest lavatory.

says: Plenty of nightlife. means: Watch out for the cockroaches.

says: Stone’s throw from the beach. means: mick Jagger once vomited from the top balcony.

sourCe: Sorry, I hAVEN’T A CLUE

Brian stars as mi5 chief daddy in The Game, starting on BBC2 this month

latest TV series, the Cold War thriller The Game

The best advice and breakthrough treatments, from the world’s leading experts

by AnitA bA rtholomew

Oh! my, Back

Renate mangold, 57, a book editor in Stuttgart, Germany, spent long hours seated at her desk, her back often aching in protest. Pain would come in waves, then subside. She learned to ignore it.

Then, in 2010, after she’d been bopping around the dance floor at her niece’s wedding in the Uk, the backaches lingered longer. When she whizzed off to Frankfurt for the annual international book fair later that year, pains shooting through her lower back punctuated her business meetings. She ignored them and carried on.

At last, it was time for a weekend at a spa in Bavaria—the perfect place, it seemed, to get the pampering her back needed. On Sunday night she snuggled under the covers, relaxed and happy. And awoke the next morning in such agony she couldn’t get up again.

“[My partner] helped me out of bed, helped me to dress myself and called the doctor,” recalls Renate.

She visited her orthopaedic specialist in Stuttgart who gave her the bad news: a herniated (slipped) spinal disc was causing her back problem. And it could no longer be ignored.

Why do we get back pain?

People have always suffered from backaches, but our modern lifestyles, especially work that involves sitting and staring at computer screens all day, add to the abuse that age and

injury can do to the spine, muscles and discs.

“We’re usually slouchy,” says Dr Kristopher Karvelas, a physical rehabilitation specialist at the Spine Centre at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina. “Poor posture can lead to stresses on the spine that with time cause pain.”

Estimates vary, but hardly anyone escapes having at least one backache—about half of us will suffer in any given year. And as Renate Mangold learned, ongoing back problems are often “discogenic”, meaning they involve the spinal discs.

“Discogenic pain is the main cause of back pain in people aged 30 to 60 years old,” says Professor Maarten van Kleef, of the Pain Management Department of the Maastricht University Medical Centre in The Netherlands.

MRI can mislead

Discs are little cushion-like cartilage structures that pad the spaces between the interlocking bones (vertebrae) of your spine. Comprising a tough exterior and a softer, gel-like interior, your discs act as shock absorbers for the demands you make on your spine as you walk, sit, run, lift.

Eventually, that stress can cause the outer layer of one or more of the discs to crack, allowing the inner gel-like substance to leak. That pain you feel

from a slipped disc might not come from the crack itself. Instead, it might be because the part of the disc that’s slipped is pressing on a nerve. At times, leaking material causes inflammation in surrounding tissue, which can also cause pain. In addition to back and leg pain, nerve impingement often causes numbness and tingling in the legs, and may even cause bladder and bowel dysfunction.

Since a slipped disc can be seen on CAT or MRI scans, you might assume that diagnosis is straightforward. But that’s not really so, say the experts Reader’s Digest spoke with.

Not all backaches are caused by her N iated discs, so doctors usually rule out all other causes first

Dr Charles Argoff, neurologist and the director of the Comprehensive Pain Centre at the Albany Medical Centre, New York, explains why. Although he has no back pain, “There’s a 50 per cent likelihood that if you did an MRI of my lower back, I’d have a herniated disc.” He points to a 1994 study that found that half those over 30 given MRIs had herniated discs. But they weren’t necessarily the ones who reported aching backs.

“We have to be careful not to overinterpret the MRI or CAT scan results,” says Dr Argoff. Not all herniated discs

cause symptoms; and not all backaches are caused by herniated discs.

Other factors—from a simple muscle pull, to ailments such as a spinal infection, kidney stones, bone spurs, tumours or illness involving one of the major organs—might be causing back distress. So physicians typically won’t rely solely on imaging; most also conduct a thorough physical exam to rule out other possible causes.

If the pain occurs in the middle of the back rather than the right or left side, or if pain increases when you come back up from bending forward,

“That might be an indication that the person has discogenic low back pain,” says Professor van Kleef.

Avoid staying in bed

After prescribing pain medication, Renate Mangold’s doctor sent her to a rehab centre for three weeks. While there, “I got physiotherapy, water therapy, and I learned how to relax.”

It helped, but not as much as she’d hoped, so Renate joined a fitness centre that has exercise equipment specifically designed to combat back problems. She credits her exercise routine with bringing her greater, if not complete, relief.

“Often we fear that patients with low back pain will be told by friends or family, ‘Take it easy, rest in bed,’ ” says Dr M Fahad Khan, an assistant professor of anesthesiology at the Langone Medical Centre, New York. But, he says, that’s probably the worst advice you could get. “That will promote atrophy of the muscles and cause more problems in the long term.”

Surgery—a last resort

Why not just get surgery and permanently solve your back problem?

According to a World Health Organisation (WHO) report, the specific cause of back pain is often unclear. What if your herniated disc isn’t the true source of your pain? In that case, disc surgery won’t work, say the experts. “It’s not uncommon for us to see patients who have persistent back

pain after having spine surgery,” says Dr Khan. “We call it failed back surgery syndrome.”

Dr Khan’s recommendation: “Go through the gamut of minimally invasive intervention techniques we have, such as epidural steroid injections, to help alleviate that pain before going through a major surgery.”

Of course, surgery is sometimes warranted. That can be true when symptoms don’t improve despite treatment, include worsening or new pain, worsening numbness or weakness in the legs, or any bowel or bladder function changes. Any of these symptoms might indicate that a disc is pressing on a nerve, says Dr Khan.

in 1999, tall, strapping Magnus s all of Stockholm, Sweden, now 45, thought nothing of helping a friend move a heavy chest of drawers up a flight of stairs. But that evening, as Magnus leaned over the sink to brush his teeth, sharp pains shot through his back and down his left leg. The healthy journalist expected the problem to go away and tried to tune out the ache.

But over the next two weeks, his backache got progressively worse. Jolts of pain accompanied each step of the short walk to his doctor’s office.

Like Renate Mangold, Magnus Sall had suffered a herniated disc. And like her, he was referred for physiotherapy and given exercises to increase strength in his back and abdomen— the core muscles.

“I started to get better over the years,” says Magnus. “It wasn’t such a big problem any more.”

Then, in 2010, his back suddenly got worse again. He tried all the conservative treatments that had helped in the past. Nothing worked. “I had a new slipped disc that kept me away from work for weeks,” he says.

His new doctor recommended a discectomy—surgery to remove the part of the disc that was causing the

Sall, who get no relief from conservative treatment, should go under the surgeon’s knife.

Work on prevention

With almost all of us at risk of backache, it makes sense to take prevention seriously. To help prevent back problems, stay active, but don’t overdo it. Most important, says Dr Karvelas, is an exercise programme that keeps core muscles strong. “I tell patients, just as

Just as cardio exercises protect your heart, it’s importa N t to keep core muscles stroNg for back health

pain. “It made me a little bit depressed to start all over again,” recalls Magnus, who had the surgery in February 2012. But now he’s glad he did it. “It helped a lot. I’m not free from my symptoms. My left leg hurts a bit. But it’s much more stabilised now.”

Magnus must still exercise regularly and use a sit-stand desk. “If I sit in a chair for hours and not do any exercise, it gets worse.”

A 2011 analysis of worldwide studies comparing surgery to more conservative care found that those operated on do recover more quickly. After a year or two, however, all patients reported similar levels of pain relief. This supports the experts’ recommendations that only those like Magnus

you do cardio exercises to protect your heart for your whole life, so should you do spine care.”

An ergonomically designed workspace can also help to keep your back in shape, claims Dr Karvelas. Your desk should ideally be one that allows you to alternate between sitting and standing—with standing being the preferred position.

When you do sit, he says, “You’d want a chair with a nice curve for your lumbar spine, so your back is firmly against it, and you’re upright with your shoulders against it too. And your screen should be at eye level.”

Excess weight puts a strain on the back, so maintaining a healthy weight is important. If you smoke, stop. Some

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doctors believe that smoking inhibits nutrients from reaching the spine.

For those who are already feeling that awful ache, most healthcare providers first recommend exercise, guided initially by a physiotherapist, even for those who eventually get surgery. Exercise can help train the muscles to hold the back in a position that ultimately reduces stress on the spine and discs.

Routine physical activity “is probably the best advice I could give”, to those with back pain, says Dr Khan. Light strength training, stretching, walking, swimming, water aerobics, tai chi and yoga all fall into this category, but as always, you should first work with a professional who can determine if certain moves might do you more harm than good. Yoga and other stretching programmes have been found to be about equally effective at reducing symptoms.

Acupuncture, often recommended for pain, might yield disappointing results. A 2007 German study compared real to sham acupuncture and found the real thing effective for about 48 per cent of patients, while the sham effective for about 44 per cent. A 2001 study that compared acupuncture to therapeutic massage, found massage far more effective at pain relief.

Medications that include muscle relaxants, NSAIDs (aspirin, ibuprofen, diclofenac), gabapentin (an anticonvulsant used for pain), opiates, oral corticosteroids and antidepressants

are all used for temporary symptom relief. Acetaminophen (Tylenol), while often recommended, was found in a recent study to be less effective.

Promising new treatments

Spinal-cord stimulation

First thought of in the 1950s, according to Dr Khan, this is only now coming into its own as a promising treatment for back pain—especially pain that persists despite surgery.

“We implant two electrical leads in the low back, near the spinal cord,” explains Dr Khan. “They create an electrical signal that helps to mask the pain signals being produced by the low back and the legs.”

According to Professor Bart Morlion of the University Hospitals Leuven, Belgium, president-elect, European Pain Federation, “Spinal-cord stimulation is available in most European countries.” However, “Because of cost issues, this can only be offered to patients after failure of classic therapies.” Once implanted, the therapy provides lifelong relief.

Personalised medicine

In virtually every study of every remedy for anything that ails us, some people are helped by a treatment while others are not. Why? Because we’re individuals, not statistics, says Dr Argoff. And sometimes individuals need customised health solutions.

Our individual skin cells might give us the answer where pain is concerned.

Your skin cells produce chemical changes when they encounter something painful. By noting when your individual cells’ pain chemistry shuts on or off, researchers hope to predict more accurately which treatment will alleviate your pain—“without all the trial-and-error”, says Dr Argoff.

Ozone therapy

Although this minimally invasive procedure is still considered experimental, physicians in Italy, China, and India have had success with it. A review article last year found that when ozone (a component of air) is injected into the gel-like centre of a slipped disc, it

causes it to shrink enough to relieve the pressure that’s causing pain.

Because it’s considered a complementary/alternative treatment, notes Professor Morlion, “In some countries it’s offered in private settings without (insurance) reimbursement.”

While feW of us W ill escape back pain in our lifetimes, most of us can protect ourselves by keeping our core muscles in shape and our workspaces ergonomically sound. For those of us who already murmur, “Oh, my back,” there are good treatments and excellent possibilities to keep our spines healthy in the future.

cringeworthy corrections

We all make mistakes, but these publications are doing their best to be straight-faced after some real howlers (as seen at buzzfeed.com):

“an earlier version of this article misidentified the number of years

E b White wrote for The New Yorker. It was five decades, not centuries.”

From the New York Times

“Friday’s Argus featured a ‘your Interview’ with Richard Robinson. We would like to clarify that the quote, ‘I have become increasingly convinced that we are heading for a disastrous confrontation and that the 21st century will be remembered for a terrible war between mankind and goats,’ was a reader statement and not a response from mr Robinson.”

From The Argus

“Saturday’s story on local artist Jon henninger mistakenly reported that henninger’s band mate Eric Lyday was on drugs. The story should have read that Lyday was on drums. The Sentinel regrets the error.”

From The Morning Sentinel

Putting A Spring In Your Step

By sus ANNAH H ick L i N g

Susannah is twice winner of the Guild of Health Writers

Best Consumer Magazine

Health Feature

It’s sprIng, but HAVE YOu g Ot gEt-up AnD g O? Or are you collapsed on the couch with your energy at rock bottom? Here are some easy ways to pep yourself up:

■ NursE A smALL coffEE THrougHouT THE dAy. Compelling research from various institutions, including Harvard Medical School, finds that frequent low doses of caffeine—the amount in a quarter of a cup—are more effective than a few larger doses at keeping you alert.

■ swiTcH off THE NEws for A wEEk. Terrorism, murders, horrendous accidents—depressing, isn’t it? If you’re a news junkie, stop reading the paper, switch off the TV news, stop checking online bulletins. If you’re more energetic and less jittery after a week, stick to your new habit.

■ EAT somETHiNg cruNcHy. Nuts, carrots and other crunchy foods make your jaw work hard, which can wake up your facial muscles. This should help you feel more awake.

■ go for A TEN-miNuTE “THANk-you” wALk EvEry dAy. As you stride out, focus on the things you feel most grateful for. Afterwards, make a mental note of how you feel. This simple technique not only gives you a sense of wellbeing, but the positive effects of exercise will flood your brain with happy neurotransmitters and endorphins.

■ HAvE your THyroid cHEckEd. If it’s not producing enough thyroid hormone, you could be feeling wiped out. A simple blood test will show if there’s a problem. Other symptoms of an underactive thyroid are dry skin, weight gain and constipation.

■ sTAy sTiLL. Not moving doesn’t sound like the best recipe for livening yourself up, but it’s often just what you need. Simply sit for ten minutes in a comfy chair and stare out of the window. Let your mind drift wherever it wants to go.

Zest for life

Citrus peels are packed with immune-boosting vitamin C, bone-building calcium and antiinflammatory, antioxidant bioflavonoids. They also provide potassium, which helps blood pressure, and limonene, a phytochemical

that may have anti-cancer effects and help with heartburn.

Use grated lemon and lime zest in smoothies or stirred into plain yogurt topped with raspberries and honey. And choose pesticide-free organic if you can.

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Take a minute to check the health of your prostate. Visit www.avogel co.uk/prostate For more information call our helpline on 0845 608 5858.

Can You Prevent Parkinson’s Disease?

■ Adopt a Mediterranean diet. In a Japanese study, people who ate a Mediterranean-style diet rich in fruit, vegetables, pulses and fish almost halved their risk of Parkinson’s.

■ Sip green tea. Polyphenols in green tea may protect dopamine neurons in the brain, which are destroyed in Parkinson’s disease.

■ Drink coffee. Research has shown that regular coffee drinkers have a slightly reduced risk too.

■ Keep fit. Exercising regularly in midlife can cut your chances of getting this disease by as much as 30 or 40 per cent. But your workout has to be vigorous to be beneficial!

■ Take folic acid. Research shows that a diet rich in folic acid (also known as vitamin B9) could protect the brain and prevent or delay the onset of neurodegenerative diseases.

fivE fAcTs ABouT pET ALLErgiEs

1 dander (flakes of dead skin) causes allergies, not fur. you can also have an allergic reaction from animal saliva, faeces or urine.

2 Two dogs from the same breed can give off different levels of allergen. It’s a myth that only longhaired pets or certain breeds can trigger a reaction. any dog or cat has the potential to set you off.

3 it’s not just cats and dogs that trigger allergies. birds, rabbits, hamsters, mice, guinea pigs and even horses can as well.

4 reptiles, amphibians and fish are less likely to start you sneezing. but remember that reptiles can give you salmonella.

5 you can reduce your chances of an allergy attack. It might help to groom and bathe dogs and cats on a regular basis, and to dust and vacuum frequently. and keep pets out of the bedroom.

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It’s Healthy To Help

It’s easy to see why volunteering brings greater health and happiness to the people you’re helping, but did you know that doing good actually enhances your own health, especially if you’re older?

According to research, people who give up their time for others:

■ Live longer

■ Handle poor health better

■ Consider themselves more healthy

■ Adopt a healthier lifestyle

■ Enjoy better quality of life

■ Have better family relationships

■ Benefit from improved self-esteem and motivation

■ Feel less isolated

■ Are less depressed and stressed

■ Go to hospital less frequently

■ Have less pain.

Are you interested in volunteering? visit volunteering.org.uk, csv.org.uk/ volunteering or do-it.org.uk for details.

How Many Pills Do We Pop?

If you thought our use of prescription drugs was high, you might be surprised to learn how we compare with ten other countries for the percentage of people taking two or more prescription drugs.

Source: 2013 Commonwealth Fund International Health Policy Survey

Is your recall far from total these days? try lifting weights. data from the Georgia Institute of technology in the uS shows that resistance training can help boost your long-term memory by as much as ten per cent. best of all, the study showed that you can work out in short bursts and still reap the benefits—a session lasting just 20 minutes was enough to help improve brainpower.

BuiLd your mEmory muscLEs

Bottling Up Your Emotions

by mAX PEmbErTon

Max is a hospital doctor and author.

He’s also the resident doctor on ITV’s This Morning

I DON’T KNOW WHY I WENT INTO THE JEWELLERS. It was pure impulse really. I hadn’t been planning on buying a watch, but it was cold and raining and a security guard at the door smiled at me. Before I knew it, I was sitting down opposite a lady who started talking about expensive watches.

As she slipped a watch on my wrist, I knew I couldn’t really afford it and I think she could tell she wasn’t going to make a sale today, so she dropped the sales patter.

She asked what I did and I told her I was a doctor. After a moment’s silence, she said, “May I ask you a question?”

I nodded.

“Is it sad when your patients die?” she asked.

I paused for a moment. When people find out you’re a doctor, they either show you a part of their anatomy and ask if it’s infected, or they ask you to regale them with gory stories. More often than not, they want to hear about things that have got stuck in…well, I’m sure you can imagine.

I’m used to these sorts of questions and take it as evidence of the complex role that doctors play in people’s lives. But not this time. This woman asked a question for which I didn’t have a witty reply. I sat there, my arm on the table, a watch worth thousands of pounds sitting heavily on my wrist.

“Why do you ask that?” I said. She looked down at the table.

“Last year, my mum died,” she said quietly.

She told me how the doctors had battled to save her mother’s life after she’d been knocked down by a car. How she’d arrived at the hospital to see a doctor trying to resuscitate her.

“I think about that often,” she said. “But I wonder, what do the doctors think after someone dies? And what happens when they go home?”

I wondered if she was really asking if the doctors remembered her mum’s death, and of course they wouldn’t. To them it would be another sadness among many.

“Do you get sad?” she asked, and of course I do. Just a week previously, a patient had died on the ward where I work and I found myself so bereft that evening, I cancelled my plans and sat alone in my flat. I’d never tell anyone that though—we doctors

are supposed to be able to deal with death. But we get to know people, share in their lives and suddenly they’re gone.

I tried to explain that on the outside we have to be professional and not let things affect us, but on the inside we’re only human. This seemed to be the answer she wanted, though I don’t know why. We talked for a few moments about other things.

“I write as well,” I added, “for a magazine.”

“Write about me and my mum,” she said and smiled.

I slipped the watch off my wrist and gave it back. I liked the watch, she could tell. But not today. She wanted to cry, I could tell. But not today. I said goodbye, smiled at the security guard and went out into the cold.

illustration by b E n tu CKE y

Vitamin C Stops You Getting A Cold

WHErE did THE myTH comE from?

It’s one of the great failings of modern medicine that, despite all its advances, we still can’t cure the common cold. The virus that causes the cold is very cunning and easily mutates, which makes finding a cure incredibly difficult. This hasn’t stopped people claiming that certain supplements can help avoid colds. The Nobel Prize-winning scientist Linus Pauling looked at the evidence

available in the 1970s and was convinced that vitamin C would help the body fight off colds. He’s credited with popularising the idea.

WHAT’s THE TruTH?

Since the 1970s, more studies have failed to show any link between taking vitamin C and avoiding colds in the average person. Some studies have shown that those who have endured extreme physical stress, such as subarctic temperatures, did have slightly less chance of catching a cold if they took vitamin C, but this isn’t relevant for most of us.

so, THErE’s noTHing To Worry AbouT?

There’s very poor evidence that any supplements help with colds. It’s possible that echinacea might shorten the lifespan of a cold, but even this is disputed. There’s also no robust evidence supporting the use of zinc. The best thing for a cold is plenty of fluids and bed rest.

Hearing The Things That Matter The Most

As Spring approaches and the days grow longer, our social lives begin to warm up with the weather

But if you’re having di culty hearing, spending more time with your family and friends can become frustrating. If you find yourself straining to listen to the conversation and asking those around you to repeat themselves, your hearing may be compromised.

And it’s more common than you think. A ecting one in six adults in the UK, hearing loss should be monitored as part of your regular healthcare routine. Audiologist Colin Campbell tells us ‘those who think their hearing may be deteriorating shouldn’t su er in silence. We recommend that anyone over the age

of 55 has a hearing test every year.’

Fortunately, you can receive a free hearing test at your local Specsavers Hearing Centre carried out by professional, fully qualified audiologists. There are a wide range of hearing aids available, with a four year guarantee and free batteries provided as well as support and aftercare for as long as you need it. Some Specsavers stores even o er free aids if you have been referred by your GP on the NHS.

If you are unsure whether you need a full check, you can always pop in for a quick three minute screening for your own peace of mind.

Enjoy yourself more as the nights get lighter and don’t let anything spoil your fun this year.

To book a free hearing test at your local Specsavers Hearing Centre or for more information, visit www.specsavers.co.uk/hearing

In Praise Older Woman of the

Once a target for ridicule and hatred, the public’s view of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, has changed hugely since her marriage to Prince Charles. On the eve of their tenth wedding anniversary, we assess the real legacy of our future Queen

By simon hemelryk

s royal engagements go, it was never going to create the wildest celebrations. When royal correspondent Robert Jobson broke the news in February 2005 that Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were to marry, some people were quietly pleased, some were ambivalent and many others were distinctly uncomfortable.

What right did the woman behind the divorce of Charles and Diana have to replace her much-loved predecessor? How could a middle-aged former mistress, divorcée and smoker ever make a suitable Queen?

But Charles and the love of his life were married on April 9, 2005, and ten years on their relationship appears as strong as ever. So how has Camilla fared in her decade since becoming Charles’ wife? Were the doubters correct, or has the Duchess of Cornwall started to change a few minds?

Royal experts certainly agree that Camilla has had an incredibly positive effect on Charles— both in his royal work and personally.

cheerleader-in-chief, playing the royal wife in a very dutiful way, like Queen Alexandra with Edward VII or the Queen Mother with George VI.

“He’s got lots of ideas—ideas that often change—so he’s criticised a lot and he’s prone to doubt,” says Morton, whose latest book is 17 Carnations: The Royals, the Nazis and the Biggest Cover Up in History . “When that happens, it’s nice to have someone like Camilla at the end of the day who’s great at saying, ‘There, there.’ ”

camilla has alWays giggled mOre easily than charles. she’s made him mOre relaxed and easy-gOing

“If you read his old interviews, he had long said that what he wanted from a marriage was a companion and a supporter,” says Andrew Morton, author of the famous 1992 blockbuster Diana: Her True Story. “Since they’ve been married, Camilla has been his

Charles can be charming, though royal watchers say that he’s also cantankerous, occasionally brusque with his aides and over-serious.

But, says Penny Junor, author of Prince Harry: Brother, Soldier, Son, he and Camila have a shared sense of humour, and because she’s always giggled more easily than him—free from a lifetime of being told to be neutral in public—she’s made him more relaxed, demonstrative and easy-going.

On foreign tours particularly, where Charles is an ambassador tasked with boosting Britain’s trade, image and tourism, Camilla has been the perfect first lady. “Theirs is no ordinary marriage, where he goes off to work in an office and comes home at the end of the day,” says Robert Jobson, author of The New Royal Family. “They have to work together. Diana was very much out there on her own, and that didn’t do them any favours. But Camilla complements him well.”

Camilla’s lightness of touch is often key. “I was with them on a visit to Christchurch, New Zealand, in November 2012, after the place had been hit by an earthquake,” says Jobson. “There

was a dance school performing in the street and Camilla went straight over and joined in. Charles, who would have walked past had he been alone, danced too. Camilla suddenly made the tour upbeat and got it on page one and three of all the papers, which would never have happened had it all been about the destruction.”

On tour in Australia that same month, Camilla’s natural chemistry with Charles also garnered headlines from a mundane visit to Government House in Adelaide. Presented with wriggly koalas to hold, the pair joked about the possibility of being urinated on—a long way from the stiff upper lip of the past. In Columbia last October,

The royal couple on their wedding day in April 2005

Camilla

her steps during a trip to New Zealand in 2012

meanwhile, they allowed themselves to be photobombed by a white-faced dancer, winning over the locals in a way that sitting rigidly on a stage applauding politely would never have done.

Part of the reason Camilla makes Charles so happy, say royal watchers, is that she’s sensible enough not to live in his pocket. “They have their own

interests,” says Jobson. “She’s a busy country lady, who loves to walk, ride… and watch Strictly Come Dancing .” Camilla still has her own house, Ray Mill in Wiltshire, and also spends time apart from Charles there, often entertaining her five grandchildren.

When Camilla met Prince William for the first time, she was so nervous she had to have a G&T to steady her nerves. Her initial relationships with other royals, including the Queen, were cagey too. But, says Penny Junor, who wrote the 1991 best-seller Charles and Diana: Portrait of a Marriage , Camilla has established a great rapport with the rest of the Windsors in recent years. “William and Harry’s father could be quite tricky at times. But because Camilla has relaxed him, he’s softened with them too. Where there

Handling some furry animals called Kao and Matilda in Adelaide

shows

have been sticking points, she’s been the mediator between them, able to tease him out of some impasse, where before the boys would have got frustrated and cross.”

“Camilla has her vices— she smokes, she’s made mistakes and her own kids haven’t been cherubs,” says Andrew Morton. “So when Harry’s got into trouble, say, she’s been able to say to Charles, ‘Well, there but for the grace of God…’ ”

Camilla has also been supportive of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. She’s reportedly bought her jewellery, taken her out to lunch to advise her on her royal role, and paid for a spa day prior to her 2011 wedding to help her relax.

“I think that has endeared Camilla to the Queen,” says Morton. “She’s shown herself to be down-to-earth, reliable and the right stuff for royalty. Let’s face it, despite her past, it’s been other members of the family who’ve become involved in scandal in the last ten years—look at Prince Andrew.”

The Queen has duly recognised her with several honours, including the title Dame Grand Cross, the highest female rank in the Royal Victorian Order, which recognises distinguished personal service to the monarch.

“I thought it was extraordinary when Camilla, the Queen and Kate all went

to Fortnum & Mason together during the Jubilee celebrations,” says Junor. “It was the first time I’d seen three women from the family all go on an outing like that. There was a naturalness, real friendship and fun there—they got given dog biscuits! Having been apparently the cause of so much disunity, Camilla has very cleverly brought the royal family back together.”

Camilla seems to have done this without unsettling her old family much either. Her son Tom has become a successful writer, her daughter Laura is an art curator, and both they and Camilla’s ex-husband Andrew Parker Bowles have remained loyal to Camilla, not criticising her in public.

But what do the public think? “She doesn’t have the glamour of Diana— nor Catherine—so the crowds at her

Prince William and Camilla at the Invictus Games at London’s Olympic Park in 2014

royal engagements are smaller,” says Andrew Morton. “She’s not out there making trenchant speeches, and she was terrified of the limelight. But she’s overcome that and is winning people over, because everyone she meets says she’s a lot funnier, relaxed and warmer than they expected.”

A keen wit and not taking herself too seriously seems to help. She charmed a Battersea primary school in January 2013 when she deadpanned, “That’s always a good ending,” after one fiveyear-old had ended a story with a triumphant “ ‘No,’ said Frog. ‘I STINK!’ ” That March, she gave a high-five to a student at the BRIT music school in Croydon, and the following October she joked with workers at the poppy factory in Richmond, south-west

London, that they “must be dreaming poppies”, such were the huge numbers of the little Remembrance buttonholes they were churning out.

She was also a hit with the veterans at last June’s D-Day 70th anniversary commemorations in Bayeux, northern France. She allowed several to steal a peck on her cheek, one even managing a cheeky pat on her bottom.

“The younger royals can’t connect with older people like that in the same way,” points out Robert Jobson.

“People who work at the charities she’s involved with say she’s not the hardest-working royal,” says Andrew Morton. “She doesn’t kill herself.” But others argue she’s had quite an impact in this area too, using her profile to raise considerably awareness of the

rUP ert h artley/ re X

The Queen, Camilla and Catherine visit Fortnum & Mason, London, in 2012

National Osteoporosis Society, for instance, a condition that affected her mother and grandmother.

“In her five years as our patron, our funding has almost doubled,” says Jonathan Douglas, director of the National Literacy Trust. As well as holding receptions for potential donors at Clarence House, Camilla has also been willing to take part in publicity stunts, such as riding a number 15 bus round London with a group of children and authors to celebrate the 15th birthday of our Young Readers Programme.

“She came to a reading session at a Wiltshire library in 2010,” continues Douglas. “A lot of the parents and kids were nervous, but she put them at their ease and insisted on reading a Hairy Maclary book, as it was her favourite to read to her grandchildren. She’s not just a figurehead. Her dad surrounded her with books, she’s passionate about reading and wants to pass that joy on to other families.”

According to Penny Junor, Camilla also invites a large group of terminally ill children from Oxford hospice Helen & Douglas House to Clarence House each Christmas for a party and to help decorate the tree. “It was her idea, she’s delightful with the children and it’s wonderful for the families,” says Junor. “A particularly nice gesture.”

But arguably Camilla’s biggest coup of the last ten years is that she’s won over a once-hostile press. Spin doctors played their part in the early days, but,

says Robert Jobson, it’s mostly down to her. “On the trips, unlike Prince Charles, she’ll always come back on the plane and talk to us. She’s fun, takes an interest in us and realises that we all have to work together.”

Renowned royal photographer Ian Jones has taken Camilla’s picture many times and is impressed by her instinct for a good shot. This could be anything from getting Charles to pose properly during a photo session at the source of the Nile in Uganda in November 2007, to treating soldiers with just the right amount of warmth when presenting

Camilla boards a bus for the 15th birthday of the National Young Readers Programme

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medals to make their pride and emotion obvious on camera. “She’s a professional and knows that the right picture will get her visit publicity in the papers,” he says.

And it’s not just royal protocol. “My admiration for Camilla went up when she said we needed a free press in this country [at the 2011 London Press Club Awards],” says Andrew Morton. “Given her past coverage, I thought that was a mature, forgiving thing to do.”

until her 50s, then suddenly got one of the most difficult jobs in diplomacy, taking over from a global icon, that’s quite extraordinary.”

When she cOmes tO the thrOne, there WOn’t be any antipathy. diana died almOst 18 years agO and life mOves On

“Camilla was about the most hated woman in the world,” concludes Penny Junor. “But she’s ploughed on and come through the other side. For a countrywoman who’d barely worked

“Ten years ago, there were swathes of people who’d never forgiven her for the Charles and Diana divorce, but that’s all turned round now,” agrees Dickie Arbiter, former Buckingham Palace press secretary and author of On Duty

With the Queen. “On the day she comes to the throne, there won’t be any antipathy. Diana died almost 18 years ago and life moves on. If you ask youngsters in the street about her, they’ll say, “Princess Who?” She’s not been airbrushed out of our history, but she’s a part of our history.”

you ca N choo SE you R f RIEN d S ...

sometimes relatives can do the strangest things—as recounted by tweeters posting on the topic of #myweirdrelative.

My grandpa’s headlights broke. Instead of fixing them, he taped torches to the front bumper (@Lifewithjacob).

my uncle got banned from a Chinese buffet for trying to take home 50 crab legs in his pocket (@landofcamelot).

My cousin lost a tooth. Instead of giving it to the tooth fairy, he taped it to a stick to use as a weapon “like his ancestors did” (@yeskiaa).

my uncle always wraps our birthday gifts in the obituaries to remind of how lucky we are to celebrate another year (@Doofenyoyo).

CycleRides

British of Best British of Best

By laura dean-osgood

From the hills to the vales, cycling enthusiasts from across the country identify the best and most scenic routes the UK has to offer

“My favourite bike ride would start in Rostrevor, County Down, where I grew up,” says Oisin Sands, a journalist who now lives in East Sussex.

“The border with the Irish Republic is just a stone’s throw across the waters of Carlingford Lough, and it’s an easy ride along the shoreline through Warrenpoint and Newry.”

The ride takes in some breathtaking views on the way to the pretty harbour town of Carlingford, and there’s much by way of reward at the other end.

“Stop off for oysters at Magees Seafood Bistro, or drop by the Anchor pub and raise an eyebrow at the framed leprechaun bones over a Guinness,” advises Oisin.

From Carlingford, head back to Newry. Or save on tired legs by taking the ferry from Omeath on the south side to Warrenpoint in the summer, and cycling the short distance back to the start.

oIsIn sands editor of sportive.com and blogger for britishcycling.org

route: rostrevor to Carlingford, County Down (30–42 miles)

“Perhaps the reason I repeatedly ride this route is the promise of the best fish and chips the North has to offer,” says Kirsty Ho Fat, founder of totalwomens cycling.com

Part of the National Cycle Network’s Route 72, this 174-mile stretch follows the length of Hadrian’s Wall and takes in coastal views, Roman forts and quaint market towns.

“The ride weaves through the dramatic countryside of the North, my homeland, before finishing in South Shields,” says Kirsty, who in 2012 completed a 4,000-mile ride around the coast of Britain with her father. Although she’s an experienced cyclist, Kirsty recommends the route for all abilities.

“I tackled this ride for the first time with my family when I was ten years old, so it’s a great option for beginner cycle-tourers,” she enthuses.

With user-friendly signposting and an abundance of cycle-friendly b&bs along the way, you can spread the adventure over as many days as you wish.

KIrsty Ho Fat Cycle journalist route: hadrian’s Cycleway, ravenglass to south shields (174 miles)

This flat journey along the Scottish branch of the Union Canal is a favourite with Helen Curry of the sustainable transport charity Sustrans.

“Follow the towpath along the northern bank of the canal and cross the River Avon on the 12 arches of the aqueduct,” says Helen. “You’ll pass the ruins of Almond Castle before you get to the Falkirk Tunnel.”

At over 2,000 feet long, you’ll be cycling through Scotland’s longest canal tunnel. From here, you’ll meet the famous Falkirk Wheel.

“This is world’s first and only rotating boat lift,” says Helen. “By far the best way to experience it is to take a boat journey that lifts you 115 feet into the air.”

This ride is just one of the hundreds of traffic-free routes that have been developed by Sustrans.

National Cycle Network project officer, sustrans (sustrans.org.uk)

route: Union Canal, Linlithgow to the Falkirk Wheel (12 miles)

Helen Curry

Taking in the unspoilt beauty of the West Pennine Moors, this loop— which passes through Darwen and the Rossendale Valley—is a route of which cyclist Ed Clancy is particularly fond.

“This is one of my favourite rides,” says Ed, “It’s long and hilly, so I only do it a couple times a year, out of season, just to chill out and ride my bike.”

The wild hills form the perfect contrast to nearby industrial towns, and you’ll take in reservoirs, historic villages and dense woodland along the way.

“The first spectacular view comes 20 miles out of Wigan, as you pass near to the village of Darwen,” says Ed. “Two impressive climbs follow, which open up views of the Upper Calder Valley, the land that inspired Ted Hughes and Emily Brontë.”

From Hebden Bridge, the loop heads back from the West Yorkshire borders toward Rochdale and across the West Pennine Moors to Wigan.

ed ClanCy two-time olympic Gold medal cyclist route: Pennine Moors loop (about 80 miles)

When racing cyclist Kristian House isn’t training, he cruises through the Cheshire countryside and takes in the scenery of the Peak District.

“This is a shorter loop I do on recovery days, starting and finishing in Middlewich,” he says.

This hilly route with several big ascents isn’t for the faint-hearted. “The real climbs come after you’ve ridden south past Congleton and hit this little ridge before the village of Biddulph, but the main climb of the day is called Dumbers, on the edge of the Peak District National Park.”

This 2.5-mile stretch climbs 670 feet and offers some wonderful views from the top, including your first sight of Britain’s second-highest pub, the Cat and Fiddle, where you can stop for much-needed refreshment or even pitch a tent and spread your ride over a couple of days.

KrIstIan House 2009 National road race Champion route: Middlewich Loop (55 miles)

“Once you leave Dorset and head closer to the Medieval town of Mere, you’ll notice Castle Hill and the ridges carved by ancient ploughs into steep hills,” says Dorset-born Sam Jones of this 70-mile ride through Wiltshire. “These are a vivid warning of what’s to come!”

From Mere, climb to Deverills, where once you’ve caught your breath the road starts to fall. You can freewheel from here while taking in the impressive vista of Dorset on your right.

Taking the route along the River Wylye to Wilton, Boyton and Shaftesbury, you’ll find plenty of villages and country pubs to refuel, or to stay in.

“As you head down the final hill from Shaftesbury you come to my highlight of the ride,” says Sam. “The mill pond at Cutt Mill is a soothing source of comfort for wearied limbs and a swimming pool for locals. For me, this swim is the final reward. There may be more challenging rides out there, but this one is a love affair with the West Country, which I hope all who try will enjoy.”

sam Jones

Campaigns and communications co-ordinator for CtC, the national cycling charity (ctc.org.uk)

route:

Gillingham (Dorset) loop (70 miles)

i do you have a cycle route you’d like to share? email readersletters@ readersdigest.co.uk with details.

For further information on the rides featured here, visit readersdigest.co.uk

50 Secrets Pets

Won’t tell You

By m I ch E ll E c R ouch

Mistakes e ven the Most Loving o wners Make

1 You think my tail wagging is always an invitation for you to pet me more. Wrong! Italian researchers found that dogs wag their tails slightly to the right when they see something they like and to the left when they’re confronted with something they want to back away from.

2 You might buy any dog-grooming brush at the pet store, but you should really pick the right one for my coat. A rubber brush will promote circulation and loosen dirt. A bristle brush removes dead hair.

3 Your favourite cat game to play with me involves a laser pointer. The result: I get really frustrated

Photo by evan kafka

because I can’t catch it, and I live for the hunt. So if you’re going to use a pointer, please include an actual toy at the end so I have something to catch. It makes the game worth it.

4 You’re giving me too much food. How can you tell? I don’t seem motivated by food treats when you’re trying to train me. Cut back and I’ll start to pay attention.

7 You may think it’s nice to let me sleep all day, but too much nap time can affect my personality. A lot of behavioural problems can be solved by just taking your dog on a daily walk or by playing with your cat for 20 minutes every day.

Since i’m an old dog, i get to eat whatever i want, yeS? no!

5

Grooming day means you bring out the big hairdryer. Please don’t! To make dogs like me look fluffy, shake a little cornflour into the base of the fur and then brush. It will absorb oil and grease and untangle matted fur.

6 Please don’t rush me when I’m going to the toilet—there’s a reason dogs circle around before getting down to business: we have an instinct to be aligned with the earth’s magnetic field before we poo. In fact, researchers watched 70 of us engage in 1,893 defecations over a two-year period just to work this out.

8 Since I’m an old dog, I get to eat whatever I want, yes? No! If I have arthritis, I’ll be much happier if you give me a daily supplement that has glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate, which protect joint cartilage. And switch me to a food formulated for an animal my age.

ways i w ish y ou’d k eep Me s afe

9 If you lose me, the first thing you should do is call every animal shelter within the vicinity of your home, and visit the nearest shelters every day if you can. For good measure, be sure to get me a microchip when I’m young.

10 If you’re getting me spayed, confirm with your vet that she will remove just my ovaries, not my uterus. It’s a less invasive procedure.

11 Because I’m a creature of habit, even a subtle change in my behaviour is a red flag that I might be ill. So if it takes me an hour to eat my food instead of 60 seconds as usual, if I’m tiring out faster when we play, if there are more urine clumps in the

litter box than usual, or if I seem to be drinking more water, call the vet.

12 There’s no question that if you keep me inside and don’t let me wander the neighbourhood, whether I’m a dog or a cat, I’ll have a better chance of living a longer life. I won’t get hit by a car, stolen or just lost. But once I’ve been allowed to roam free, it’ll be hard to change me.

h ow to r ea LLy Make

Me y our Best f riend

13 Please introduce me around when I’m young so I’m not afraid of strangers. Some experts say I should meet 100 new people of different sizes, genders and ethnicities in my first 100 days at home, even if it’s just a quick greeting. Make sure you include people wearing hats and sunglasses, since those accessories can look awfully scary to me.

14 You may think it’s cute when I rub my bum on the carpet, but it probably means that I’m itchy and would like to see a vet.

15 When you’re choosing a new pet, ask a vet or trainer for tests you can do to gauge temperament. For example, you can try rolling me over on my back to see how I handle it. If I really struggle, I’m probably going to be tougher to train than an animal who lies there placidly.

s urprising t hings t hat d ogs Love…

16 Forget the dog biscuits! If you really want me to pay attention when you’re training me, use a treat that’s moist, something so horrid you don’t even want to hold it in your hand, like a piece of greasy chicken.

17 While some of us gulp down grass only if we’ve eaten something that doesn’t agree with us and we’re trying to regurgitate it, some of us just love to munch the lawn. So let me graze—just make sure the grass I’m eating is free of pesticides.

18 Beware, Mum, because I will eat your underwear, especially if they’ve been worn. Veterinarians surgically remove hundreds of pairs from dogs’ bellies every year.

19 Please, can I choose my own bed? The most comfortable one will depend on how I sleep. Let me try out a few in a pet store. If I usually sleep with my legs sprawled out, I’ll be more comfortable on a flat bed without sides. But if I like to curl up, I’ll probably love one with sides.

… a nd w hat t hey

s ecret Ly h ate

20 You say I’m great with kids. But if I’m licking, pulling my ears back, turning my head away, or yawning (all signs of anxiety) while they play with me, I’m probably just

barely tolerating them. If you keep letting them pull my tail, I might lose it one of these days.

21 Put those clippers down! No matter how hot it is or the length of my hair, I don’t need to be shaved. My undercoat actually insulates me from heat, so it helps me stay cool. Just make sure you keep my coat brushed and mat-free to promote good air circulation.

22 If you leave me in the garden when you’re out, don’t fool yourself that I’m going to run around and have fun. I’ll probably sit in one spot and wait for you to return. Dogs are den animals, and many of us prefer to be inside—ideally with you.

23 I love to fetch and would like to learn how to catch a flying disc, but those hard plastic Frisbees can hurt my teeth and gums. Instead, look for a soft one at a pet store.

24 If you reach out towards me when you first meet me, your hand may as well be a meat cleaver. Instead, crouch down on one leg and look slightly away. Then let me approach you and give you a sniff.

c ats: o ur Biggest Mysteries, s o Lved!

25 Declawing is not the same as cutting our nails. It’s a hideous, painful surgery that’s much more like

amputating the last two knuckles of your fingers. If my scratching is really bad, try glue-on nail caps.

26 If I’m spraying outside the box, I’m not being spiteful. Something is stressing me out. It may be a new person, a new pet, or even a new piece of furniture that seems to be encroaching on my territory.

27 Before you buy a fancy cabinet to put my litter box in, keep in mind that most of us don’t like to feel cornered. I prefer an uncovered box that’s out of the way, but where I have a view of the room and can escape if I see anything threatening.

28

I’m not untrainable! I can learn to sit, come, touch a target with my nose, jump through a hoop, give you a high five and even use the toilet—as fast as or even faster than a dog. Check YouTube for some great tutorials.

29 If I stiffen every time you run a hand down my back, take the hint. A 2013 study found that cats who didn’t like the sensation but allowed their owners to stroke them anyway were more stressed-out than those who avoided touch.

30 Remember, I see the world as vertical, not horizontal. So instead of getting angry when I knock things off the mantlepiece, build me a

‘ 65g of Iams provides me the same nutrition as up to 4 wet pouches.’*

Indeed, gram for gram, Iams has more high quality nutrition than this other food.

*Recommended daily amount for an average 4 kg cat fed on wet or dry food only. Always ensure fresh water is available.

**Cat bags of 800g and under only.

cat route around the room. Put up a shelf that leads up to a bookcase that leads to a mantlepiece that leads to a chair that gets me down.

31

Just because I’m purring doesn’t mean I’m happy and content. I also purr when I’m in pain or mortally afraid because it’s a self-soothing mechanism.

32 Thinking about getting me a friend? I’ll get along best with a cat who’s of the opposite sex and slightly younger than I am, but don’t just throw us in a room together. Talk to your vet or a trainer about how to introduce us gradually. If I’m an older cat and I’ve lived alone with you for years, I don’t need a friend. Really. I’m already too set in my ways.

33

Excuse me for putting my bum in your face, but you should actually consider it an incredibly high compliment. It harks back to when I was a kitten and would do the same thing to Mum so she could clean my behind. It means I perceive you as a maternal figure.

34 I love fancy toys and gadgets, but I can have just as much fun with a paper bag with the handles cut off, an aluminium foil ball or a plain box. It’s actually quite easy to create a homemade toy that I’ll love. Anything shiny or that I can scratch is going to make my day.

Training Tricks ThaT h elp Us l e arn

35 Don’t wait until I’m six months old to start correcting bad behaviour. By then, I’ll be used to drinking out of the toilet and chewing shoes. Experts say it’s easier to instill good habits from the start.

36 I’m confused. When I jumped up on you earlier, you gave me such a nice stroke. But now you’re angry at me for leaping on Aunt Lucy. Am I allowed to jump up or not?

37 To stop me from scratching a piece of furniture, cover the entire area with an old bed sheet, aluminium foil or strips of doublesided tape, because those don’t feel good under my paws. Then put a tall scratching post right in front of it.

38 If you let me on the furniture now, while I’m young and cute, I’ll always think it’s OK—no matter how big I get.

39 What do you mean you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? My owner taught me to fetch the newspaper and take it to him when I was ten.

40 Remember when I was little and you shoved my nose in a puddle of urine I left? I have no idea why you did that. Instead, get me outside as quickly as possible and praise me whenever I pee outdoors.

41 Want me to learn to walk by your side on a lead? Well, give me some incentive. As soon as I start to pull ahead, stop walking. When I turn and look back, offer me a treat right next to your leg. I’ll quickly figure out that I need to stay next to you in order to keep doing what I love most: moving and exploring.

42 Whether I’m a cat or a dog, if you’re tired of finding pet hair on your sofa and want to keep me off, try a Scat Mat, which gives out a small, harmless electrostatic pulse when it’s stepped on. Or buy a car mat and turn it upside down on your couch, so the little rubber prongs are facing up. I hate those.

43 When I bark, jump and grab the towel off the worktop, I’m not trying to be bad. I’m just bored. I want your attention! Please, get off your smartphone and play with me.

44 If I’m a dog who is scared of thunderstorms or loud noises, get me a snug-fitting Thundershirt. Or you can make your own. Wrap a bandage across my chest, cross it over the top of my body and then back under, going over and under until it’s midway down my back, and then secure it. The constant pressure against the middle of my body will help ease my anxiety and calm me down.

t he Best (and w orst) f oods for u s

45 Remember, my digestive system is very different from yours. Raisins and grapes can shut down a dog’s kidneys. Other dangerous foods include chocolate, coffee, macadamia nuts and avocado.

46 Want my coat to be thick and shiny? Make sure my diet has plenty of essential fatty acids. Most high-quality commercial pet foods

Photo by evan kafka

have enough, but pets on low-quality foods or homemade diets that aren’t balanced may develop a dull coat.

47 When buying pet food, choose a product that has undergone animal-feeding trials rather than been “formulated” by a computer. The trials are expensive, but they indicate that real dogs actually ate the food for six months with good results.

48 Check with a veterinary nutritionist before giving me a homemade-food diet. Researchers at the University of California, who examined 200 recipes last year for home-prepared dog food found that 95 per cent had some serious nutritional deficiencies.

49 Did you hear the hype about grain-free cat and dog food? That’s what it is: hype. Feeding me grains is fine—they can actually be an important part of a balanced diet. Before you make any change, talk to your vet.

50 If you switch me to a raw diet, I may end up with cracked teeth or a bacterial infection. Also, exposure to my faeces could put anyone with a weakened immune system at risk.

with thanks to: Jackson Galaxy; brian hare; rebecca remillard; Jorge bendersky; spencer williams; nancy kay; Jennifer coates; victoria schade; sophia yin; k c theisen; amy farcas; Marilyn krieger; karen halligan and stephen Zawistowski

translate percentages into fractions. If someone says “25% of people clicked on this button,” quickly chime in with, “so about one in four,” and make a note. everyone will nod in agreement, secretly impressed.

nod continuously while pretending to take notes. always bring a notepad with you. take notes by writing down one word from every sentence you hear. nod continuously while doing so.

ask the presenter to go back a slide. Do this at any point in the presentation and you’ll look like you’re paying closer attention than everyone else.

encourage everyone to “take a step back”. there comes a point in most meetings where everyone is chiming in, except you. this is a great point to say, “Guys, guys, can we take a step back here?” followed by a quick, “what problem are we trying to solve?” you’ve just bought yourself another hour of looking clever.

aS SEEN at SadaNduSElESS.com

The Reluctant Warrior

An American Airman’s Story

Barry Rickson

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Paperback | E-book

£9.95 | £2.55

A university student from Pennsylvania takes a year o from his studies to get work experience in Bremen, Germany. There, he falls in love with Helga, an 18year old law student. The outbreak of war in 1939 causes him to return home where he reluctantly joins the American Air Force. The vagaries of war, the disasters su ered and consequent e ect on the men’s morale has him struggling between duty and conscience. Through it all, a single thread of a past romance will lead him through the war, past many amorous adventures, back to Germany. Will he ever see Helga again?

A Victorian Naturalist’s Odyssey

The Life and Times of Professor John

Henry Salter DSc (London) 1862 - 1942

Dr. Gilbert Clark

www.xlibris.com

Hardback | Paperback | E-book

£37.99 | £27.99 | £2.99

This book tells the remarkable story of Professor John Salter, a conservationist who changed the face of natural history through his invaluable contribution in the scienti c community bringing the Red Kite back from the brink of extinction in Wales.

My Burmese Cookbook

Part 2

MyintMyint Soe

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Paperback | E-book

£24.99 | £2.99

This is a cookbook about the wonderfully rich and vibrant cuisine of Myanmar. Although the country is situated between China, Bangladesh, India and Thailand, its cuisine is subtly di erent but yet has in uences from all those countries!

Beethoven, Then and Now

Fred Gaertner

www.xlibris.com

Hardback | Paperback | E-book

£21.03 | £14.42 | £2.40

In this explosive and fast-paced novel, Fred Gaertner envisions an Earth where it is possible for dead people to return to the world of living. This is exactly what the legendary Beethoven does but not without some interesting consequences!

Thoughts for a New Perspective

Kurt M. Jordan

www.iuniverse.com

Paperback | E-book

£12.95 | £3.49

Thoughts for a New Perspective written by Kurt M. Jordan shares wisdom, advice and re ections that will help anyone begin to transform their thought processes in order to nd peace and contentment in everyday life.

Jill Shaw Ruddock founded The Second Half Centre in London, where older people can participate in activities every week. Other centres are planned across the UK

If I Ruled the World Jill Shaw Ruddock

I’d put a community centre for the over-50s into every town and village. It doesn’t matter who you are, how many degrees you have or where you live—if you’re isolated and lonely, you’re going to age prematurely. And that costs the NHS a lot of money. But it’s not expensive to set up centres where people from all socio-economic groups can go, learn new skills and make new friends. This is the way to tackle isolation and make a hugely positive impact on the community.

Billions would be spent on medical research into the workings of the brain. If we understood the brain better then we could help cure so many afflictions, whether it be depression, autism, dementia or dyslexia.

I’d educate our children early about different religions. I don’t like what’s going on in the world—there’s too much prejudice. Children should learn from a young age that it doesn’t matter what religion you belong to because all religions were created around peace and love.

Assisted dying would be legalised. This doesn’t mean that everyone would be signing up: in Washington State, one of the seven states in the US where assisted dying is now legal, less than one per cent of the ageing population choose this way to go. There are so many things that have to be in place before this is an option. But when you actually want to die— when you’re living with a serious disease, you’re really sick and there’s no hope—then I think people should be allowed to pass away with dignity.

I’d ban excessive packaging. Who needs their pack of pears to lie in their own beds wrapped in plastic? All the production and disposal of this stuff is killing our planet. I’d like to go back to the 1950s, when you put all your unwrapped shopping into plain paper bags.

There’d be a much more rational approach to gun control. It’s a lot saner in the UK than the US. I don’t think that when Thomas Jefferson wrote about the right to bear arms he could have imagined a world where semi-automatic weapons could be bought by disgruntled kids to shoot their fellow pupils. These weapons need to be made unavailable to the general public.

I’d tax unhealthy fast food. Eating healthily is important at any age. When I saw the film Supersize Me

years ago with my 11-year-old daughter, we both decided we were done with fast food. It’s as dangerous as alcohol or cigarettes, and should be taxed accordingly.

Exercise would be compulsory five times a week for kids until they leave school. The more regularly you exercise, the more your body craves the feel-good endorphins it produces. Kids would associate pleasure with exercise, not sitting in front of screens. This would help the obesity problems in children and would put in place a positive attitude to exercise that’s vital for good health in later life too.

Grey hair would be a thing of the past. Imagine if women didn’t have to dye their hair all the time but instead there was a pill that made it retain its natural colour. What a lot of time and money that would save us! I’d also like a pill to stop women putting on weight after the menopause, when everything slows down.

The UK driving test would be easier to pass. I passed my American test without a problem, but I’ve failed my UK one three times since I came to live here over 30 years ago. It’s still on my To Do List. As told to Caroline Hutton

An updated edition of The Second Half of Your Life, Gill’s groundbreaking book about social isolation, is out now.

Lost on the

hiker alex sverdlov trusted his experience and fitness to keep him safe, until a surprise snowstorm stranded him on Mauna loa

Volcano

By Al B ert S A m A h A

a lex s verdlov parked his ren T ed whi T e ford focus near the trailhead on Mauna Loa at 7am. The January sky was bright blue, the sun mellow, and he felt grateful to be on the island of Hawaii instead of home in New York City, where the forecast predicted snow. He’d landed in Hawaii the previous day and signed up with the National Park Service for a permit to hike and stay overnight in the Mauna Loa backcountry, starting today, Sunday, through to Wednesday.

The hike to the summit of Mauna Loa, or “Long Mountain”, is about 25 miles. The biggest volcano on earth, it rises from the sea to 13,680 feet, but its flat terrain and gentle slopes can deceive. The climate at the top is fickle and the weather is unpredictable, but the forecast was for mostly sunny days.

Sverdlov strapped on his backpack, which held his sleeping bag, food, extra-thick down jacket and other supplies, and walked towards the trail, pausing at a tall warning sign: “Freezing conditions may occur at any time of year.…beware of deep earthcracks, loose rocks and thin lava crusts.”

But the 36-year-old hiker knew what to expect—he’d climbed the volcano alone a year ago. The three-and-a-halfday hike was peaceful and not steep, but it was challenging enough that he decided to summit the volcano again. These adventures appealed to him.

The ground was rocky at the trailhead, 6,600 feet above sea level. By early afternoon Sverdlov was seven miles in, at 10,000 feet. At the top of the slope, the trail opened onto a reddish

plain. At the base of a hill sat Red Hill cabin, where he spent the night.

Monday. Sverdlov hit the trail around sunrise. The terrain changed often: wavy, dried lava, brick-red stone fields, volcanic rock—a landscape shaped by countless eruptions, the last of which had occurred in 1984. The trail curved around depressions and cracks in the ground more than ten feet deep. Every 100 yards or so, rocks stacked into hiphigh towers delineated the trail.

The trail veered away from the summit to Mauna Loa Summit cabin, where Sverdlov stopped for the night. Tomorrow he’d hike the five miles to the summit, then trek directly down to Red Hill by nightfall. He’d be back Wednesday in time to meet friends for dinner. The trip was going perfectly.

Tuesday. Clouds had rolled in overnight, dropping thick fog and a speckle of snow. Sverdlov wasn’t concerned; the walk to the summit had taken him only three hours last time. He pulled on tracksuit bottoms, a face mask, a

courtesy of alex sverdlov

skullcap, a wool undershirt, a fleece and a windbreaker.

Halfway to the summit, he stopped at Jaggar’s Cave to stow his heavy backpack. For this final stretch, he’d need only a water bottle, two granola bars and his camera.

It started to drizzle, then half a mile from the summit the rain turned to snow. Sverdlov considered turning back, but the snow was light and the scene was beautiful.

When he reached the summit at about noon, a curtain of fog shrouded the vista. He’d planned to stay an hour, but knew the snow would slow him down. A minute or two after he began his descent, it started snowing harder. The wind blasted the flakes into his face, partially blinding him.

Before long the snow was up to his shins. Should have brought snowshoes, Sverdlov chided himself. Just then, his boot punched through a thin crust of dried lava and he fell onto his back. His right knee hurt, but he felt lucky: the fall should have broken his leg.

He marched on. Snow continued to fall and the wind blew stronger. But his legs were strong and his confidence stronger. He stopped to take a drink, only to find the water in his bottle had frozen. Despite his thirst, he knew better than to eat snow, which would lower his body temperature and speed up dehydration.

At dusk, Sverdlov passed a wooden sign that showed he’d descended two miles from the summit: another halfmile to Jaggar’s Cave, then ten more miles to Red Hill Cabin. But the world had gone grey. His phone was useless, so he turned it off. The trail markers were hard to make out as his surroundings faded into blackness.

Where was the marker? Sverdlov looked around, but it was nearly pitch black. For the first time, it occurred to him that he wouldn’t make it back to the cave tonight. He was exhausted. The thought of rest consumed him.

His watch said 9pm. He sat down, hugging his legs and tucking one fleece sleeve into the other to keep his hands

In the thin air, less oxygen reached his brain. This, combined with the lack of water, made him dizzy, lightheaded, his thoughts in a fog. With his body no longer in motion, his core temperature began to drop.

Sverdlov had never been in this much trouble on a hike. Growing up as the only child in a single-parent family in New York, Sverdlov often went hiking in the Catskills. After graduating, he got a job as a computer-science professor and consulted on the side. In his free time he went on a dozen hikes a year. Hawaii was an annual destination. He’d done Mauna Kea in 2012, Mauna Loa the following January. And now he was back for a rematch—and the mountain was killing him.

As the hours passed, he felt enveloped by warmth and comfort. He was no longer on the mountain. He was floating. It felt good. He dazed in and out of hallucinations. Then he snapped back to reality.

“I’m still here, damn it!” he shouted.

At some point he fell asleep.

John Broward, Hawai’i Volcanoes National Park’s search-and-rescue coordinator, arrived at the Visitor Emergency Operations Centre near Mauna Loa’s southern base at about 8am on Tuesday. He picked up a warning: a storm was coming that would hit the summit with a foot of snow, wind gusts up to 50mph and temperatures in the

minus numbers. A check of the permits showed that Alex Sverdlov would be at or near the summit.

Broward had handled more than 150 searches in his career, and to date his team had found all but one hiker alive. But only once had a hiker gone missing in the snow, and he was found safe.

When hikers are caught in a storm, Broward thought, some curl up on the ground, some keep marching. Some hide in caves. The mountain encompassed more than 2,000 square miles; if Sverdlov sheltered in one of Mauna

His pace slowed. Cracks in the ground tripped him, snowdrifts swallowed him to the shoulders

Loa’s caves, they might not find him for years. The body of the last person to die on Mauna Loa, a park worker about 20 years back, was never found.

Broward filed an affidavit with Sverdlov’s mobile-phone company. Even when a phone has no bars, it emits a faint signal, and the company can triangulate its location. Of course, the phone must be switched on.

A search-and-rescue mission could begin only after a hiker was overdue. Sverdlov wouldn’t be officially missing from freezing. He coughed violently and it hurt to swallow.

until his scheduled return on Wednesday night. For now he was on his own.

wednesday. When Sverdlov awoke, he was relieved to have survived the night. It had been cold but not much below freezing. The storm had calmed enough for him to see a desert of white at least a foot or two deep, even deeper in the drifts. His confidence returned. The trail couldn’t be far. He was sure he would reach Red Hill today. If he made it early enough, he’d keep going and reach the bottom of the mountain in time to meet friends for dinner.

Sverdlov came to a tower of stones. Guessing the path, he soon passed another tower. Late in the morning, he spotted three trail markers clustered in the distance. His backpack!

He pulled the pack out of the snow and set up the stove. He hadn’t had a drink of water in nearly 24 hours, but the snow boiled down to less than a cup of water and cost much of his fuel. After eating a trail-mix bar, he tugged out a jacket and mittens, and strapped on the headlamp.

Now equipped for the cold and darkness, Sverdlov started for Red Hill cabin shortly before noon. The snow was deeper than yesterday, knee high in places. His pace slowed. Cracks in the ground tripped him, snowdrifts swallowed him to the shoulders. He focused his mind and energy on each step, methodical and cautious.

When night fell, the lamp wasn’t powerful enough to illuminate trail

markers, but at least he could see more than shadows. Then he saw tents at the edge of the lamp’s beam. And people! Then he blinked and they disappeared, and only snow lay ahead.

The night went the same way. When the hallucinations came, he felt as if his mind had split in two, one looking through a white-walled tunnel, one drifting into the abstract. Sometime past 11pm. Sverdlov approached another trail marker. Coming closer, he saw that it was a rock protruding from the ground. How many such rocks had he mistaken for markers?

As he retraced his route, he coughed. He’d been coughing at a steady rate for two days. The thin air and non-stop walking had worn his lungs. His mouth was dry and his throat ached. He was very tired. Around midnight, unable to find the trail, he unrolled his sleeping bag, slid inside and zipped it. He turned on his phone to check the signal. Nothing. He turned it off.

Two days of struggle and Sverdlov was just three miles from the summit. Nine more miles to Red Hill. Perhaps this was beyond him, he thought. He had made it this far without a serious injury, but it was only a matter of time before the elements defeated him.

af Ter The snow sTopped falling on Wednesday, John Broward sent a ranger up the trail. Another left a note on Sverdlov’s car. If he didn’t turn up by nightfall, the search would begin. Broward gathered his 12 staff and laid

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out the plan: rangers would fan out and work up the mountain; Broward would search from a helicopter.

thursday. Unlike on Tuesday and Wednesday, Sverdlov didn’t wake with the confidence that he’d reach Red Hill cabin. His legs were sore, his head hurt, his whole body was exhausted.

He found the trail shortly after sunrise. The sky was clear, the wind had calmed and he could see snow-capped volcanoes in the distance. By now he was used to falling through snowdrifts. Sometimes the snow supported his weight, sometimes it held for a second before giving way.

He crumbled the powder through his fingers. Scooping up a handful, he patted it into a ball and gently placed it on the ground. He sculpted two more balls, plunked them on top, and took a few moments to stare at his snowman before continuing on.

It was the thr I ll of the rescue that had drawn Broward to the job: the idea of enjoying nature’s beauty and protecting people from its cruelty— jumping out of helicopters, fighting fires, abseiling down ravines.

But Broward felt no thrill on Thursday morning, just nerves. They lifted off at 8.30am. He looked out the window to the right. The pilot, a contractor who’d flown more than 70 missions with him, looked out the left side and ahead. The helicopter hovered above

the trail. An experienced hiker might locate the snow-covered path, Broward thought. The helicopter soared past the volcano’s 11,000-foot marker.

It moved slowly enough to scan for clues: footprints, an object, or movement. To Broward, the snow was now a blessing. The white landscape that made it easy for a hiker to get lost also made a lost hiker easier to spot.

Past 12,000 feet. Still nothing. Not a glove or a hat or a hiking pole. This was a massive mountain—plenty of space for a lost hiker to wander into. Broward saw nothing but unbroken snow.

“He’s right there!” the pilot shouted.

“Where? I can’t see him.”

“Right in front of us. Twelve o’clock.”

Catching sight of Sverdlov, Broward felt the tension leave his body for the first time in two days.

sverdlov heard a faInt buzz Ing noise before he spotted a grey speck moving across the sky. A helicopter! He waved his arms, as if they might not see him. Then he realised, They’re here for me! The chopper landed and a man hopped out. They met halfway.

“Are you search and rescue?” Alex asked him.

“Yes.”

Sverdlov hugged him. On board the helicopter, he noticed that red letters on the back of his rescuer’s helmet: “BROWARD”. It was then Sverdlov realised that he’d just experienced the happiest moment of his life.

As Older Holidaymakers Struggle To Access Cover Travel Insurance Premiums Rise

A RECENT REPORT, PUBLISHED IN THE SUNDAY TIMES highlighted many older holidaymakers are facing sharp increases in premiums and encountering strict age limits when obtaining travel insurance.

e report identi ed the average premium for an annual worldwide policy for a 70-year-old with health problems has risen by nearly 10% in the last four years. During the same period premiums for a 30-year-old with similar medical conditions have fallen by a third.

e British Insurance Brokers’ Association (BIBA) reports those aged 65 and over are three times more likely to make a travel insurance claim than those aged 35 and under, which partly explains the increased premiums for older travellers.

A recent study by BIBA identi ed increased travel by older people to

destinations outside the European Union resulted in much higher claim costs, as there is no access to free medical care through the European Health Insurance Card.

e United States of America is the most expensive country in which to fall ill – with medical bills averaging more than £4,700. At the other end of the scale, Greece has the lowest, with bills nearer to £400. e global average for medical claims on travel cover is approximately £1,300.

Very large claims – in excess of £75,000 – are becoming more frequent. Few people can a ord to nd such amounts, therefore it is essential to have the correct travel insurance protection in place before you travel.

We know that many holidaymakers who are older or have medical conditions can nd it very di cult to obtain travel insurance.

Here at Reader’s Digest Insurance Services we believe in a fair deal for holidaymakers of all ages. Our travel insurance policies come with no upper age limit, meaning we can provide cover for travellers of all ages. In addition, we can also provide cover for a wide range of existing and pre-existing medical conditions.

We have access to a range of insurers so whether it’s a weekend away, a package holiday or something more exotic, we can tailor your travel insurance cover to suit your exact requirements.

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cover at competitive prices for a wide range of insurance products including travel insurance, home insurance, motor insurance and pet insurance. To nd out more visit www.readersdigest.co.uk/ money/insurance

Doug and his wife (below) found the Dutch countryside to be perfect for cycling

By Catherine Cole

My Great Escape: Going Dutch

Doug Proctor from Pontypridd took to two wheels for a cycle through Limburg in the Netherlands

Catherine has danced in Rio, been microlighting in South Africa and hiked the mountains of Oman

Tell us about your favourite holiday (send a photo too) and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50. Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us

The good Thing abou T The neTherlands is that there are hundreds of straight, flat cycle paths that run for miles, with cafes, restaurants and bars along the way.

On a cycling trip to the country, we set up base in Center Parcs at Limburgse Peel, in the south-east of the Netherlands, planning our first cycle route with the assistance of the staff at the cycle shop. They gave us a map for Limburg and some helpful local knowledge.

Limburg has a network of around 750 miles of cycle paths. All routes are clearly signposted and easy to navigate, and my wife and I planned a round trip of about 18 miles.

We set off with a packed lunch. Green and white numbered signposts matching signs on the map showed us the way, and at each intersection we found information boards with maps of the cycle-path network in the area, so we could change our route as we went along.

We cycled for miles through tree-lined avenues, with nature’s chorus surrounding us, until we needed coffee. Hoeve Willem III, an ice-cream shop and cafe near the picturesque village of Helenaveen, proved to be a real gem.

While the British claim supremacy in the art of taking tea, the Dutch have turned the presentation of the cuppa into an art form—ours was served with great care and attention. As we left, we saw an amazing display of ice cream and adjusted our schedule so we could come back for a midafternoon treat.

Returning to the cycle path, we meandered for miles past canals and fields of crops, marvelling at pristine gardens in the villages we passed through, before finishing the day with a swim and a meal.

Clearly I’m not going to be selected for an assault on the Tour de France, but since professional teams don’t plan their rides around cafes and icecream stops, I’m not that bothered!

■ Pedal Power

A three-night break at Center Parcs Limburgse Peel starts from around £170 (0900 660 6600; centerparcs.nl).

postcard from… Japan

Springtime looks more colourful in Japan, where late March and the start of April means the flowering of sakura, or cherry blossom. This beautiful flower—which can bloom in a whole spectrum of red and pinks— can be seen all over Japan, with prime viewing spots in Tokyo’s lively Ueno Park, Nara Park in Nara, as well as all over Kyoto. The cherry blossom is the national flower of Japan and is seen as a symbol of hope for the upcoming season. In the bigger cities, it’s traditional to hold feasts and parties under the trees well into the night.

■ JaPan in BlooM

Voyages Jules Verne’s nine-night

Discover Japan tour visits Osaka, Hiroshima, Kyoto and Tokyo by bullet train and costs from £2,495pp based on two sharing. Includes flights, transfers, eight nights’ b&b, one lunch, excursions and guides (0845 166 7035; vjv.com).

Things To Do This Month

n ew o rleans in two minutes

■ d o: The two-week-long Jazz Fest at the end of the month celebrates everything musical and cultural in the Southern city. On the bill this year is Elton John, Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga and The Who (001 504 410 4100; nojazzfest.com)

■ sTay: The recently opened Le Méridien New Orleans is contemporary, comfortable and has great views across downtown New Orleans and the Mississippi River. Rooms start from £138pn on a b&b basis (001 504 525 9444; starwoodhotels.com)

■ Walk: Bourbon Street in the French Quarter is a colourful crawl through New Orleans’ history. It comes alive at night and is home to some of city’s most famous restaurants, including the iconic Galatoire’s (neworleanscvb.com).

short/long haul: summer sun s horT : g ozo This is an ideal time to explore the island’s scenic hills and sparkling blue Mediterranean waters, perfect for diving. Dive Worldwide offers an 11-day Wrecks and Caves tour from £1,195pp, including flights, transfers, accommodation and diving (01962 302 087; diveworldwide.com).

l ong: namibia The mix of desert landscapes and Atlantic coast makes for a spectacular trip. Hayes & Jarvis offers a ten-night Namibia tour from £1,995pp, including accommodation and flights (01293 731 835; hayesand jarvis.com).

travel aPP of the Month

Tripit. Free, ios, android. If you’re forever searching for all the confirmation emails for your trip, download TripIt, which merges all your travel details into one itinerary. You can access it from several devices, and it syncs with your phone calendar too. (tripit.com).

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All Aboard !

Come on a river cruise through the heart of Europe, where history is just a gangplank away

By William Ec E n B arg E r

Docked at Passau, Germany, passengers are starting to tour the old city

TThe Viking IdI glides in The near-dawn, pulling its wake upstream. Suddenly, the Danube catches fire from the rising sun and the landscape takes on colour, dimension and shape. On my right are stone-terraced vineyards dating back to the ninth century. On my left, there’s the swish and buzz of traffic on the road to Vienna.

Prodded by the fear that I might miss something, I’d risen well before dawn and found my way, with binoculars and a steaming cup of coffee from the ship’s restaurant, to a deckchair at the bow. Unlike a sea cruise, there’s nearly always something to see on a river, and getting to our destinations is at least half the fun. From the deck of the Idi , there’s a constantly changing view— a kaleidoscope of castles, fortresses, monasteries, local people and passing river traffic. Four of my fellow passengers are already here and we exchange perfunctory greetings, our voices still furred with sleepiness.

Johann Strauss notwithstanding, the Danube is not blue—rather, a dull grey-green—but this chromatic error takes none of the romance and majesty away as it winds through spectacular reminders of ancient, medieval and modern history.

We’re some 215 miles west of Budapest, where the cruise began three days ago. We’ve travelled to Austria from Slovakia, and have just entered the Wachau Valley, a 20-mile stretch of the Danube that’s so historic and wellpreserved that in 2000 Unesco declared it a World Heritage Site.

I’m on tiptoe with excitement. Last

night we’d been briefed by the boat’s programme director that this morning we would pass Kuenringerburg Castle, whose claim to fame is that Richard the Lionheart, King of England, was held captive here for three months in 1192 and 1193 while on his way home from the Third Crusade.

“He was there until his mother, Eleanor of Aquitaine, paid a ransom so he could return to England,” said Jochgum Schuijt, our Dutch programme director, whom everyone calls Joey.

Now, as we approach the Austrian town of Dürnstein, I focus on the ruins of the castle, clinging to a rocky outcrop like a climber who’s lost his nerve. In the morning light, the collapsed stones seem to be blending in with the cliff itself, but the outline of the castle tower is clear in the blue sky.

I set down my binoculars and see that, about 30 yards off the starboard deck, a few of Dürnstein’s 950 citizens are breakfasting at outdoor tables, and they wave and smile at us. It reminds me that it’s time for my own breakfast, and I descend one deck to the restaurant.

The Viking Idi isn’t a beautiful ship, but rather an elegant barge-like craft built specifically for river travel—low

enough to get under bridges, narrow enough to fit in locks and long enough (about 440 feet) to accommodate some 200 passengers and 50 crew members. There are three decks of staterooms, most of them with floor-to-ceiling windows, the restaurant, a small library and an indoor observation lounge. The top deck is open with a shaded seating area and walking track.

Choosing my favourite breakfast— smoked salmon, French bread, fresh fruit—I reflect that this is my fifth river journey (previous voyages were on the Yangtze, the Nile, the Amazon and Myanmar’s Irrawaddy). I’ve learned that the biggest difference between a sea cruise and a river cruise is that the former takes you to countries, while the latter takes you through countries, making river travel a more intimate and immersing experience.

the river. The current building was completed in 1736, but there’s been an abbey here since 1089. I walk up an imperial staircase in the footsteps of Holy Roman Empress Maria Theresa, who stopped here in 1743 on her way from Prague to Vienna.

Outside we walk past three monks who are shepherding an orderly group of what appear to be ten-year-olds. “This is still an active monastery,” says Anna, our guide. “Thirty monks belong here, and they operate a school for about 900 children.” Anna, like all the local Viking guides, speaks to all 20 or so of us through wireless audio headsets that not only make all her words very clear, but enable us to pause, even wander off a bit, without losing any information. Technology in the service of history.

Like many towns on the Danube, Passau floods regularly and is known as the “Venice of Bavaria”

Moreover, history and rivers go hand in hand. In Europe, civilizations developed along their rivers, and until the late 1800s they were the motorways of the Continent. For today’s traveller, this means that history is only a gangplank away.

After breakfast we dock at Melk, where we’re met, as at all our stops, by a local guide. After a 20-minute walk, I’m face to face with a gold-and-white Benedictine abbey that sits high above the town with a commanding view of

As the Idi crosses from Austria into Germany, an eagle flies across our bow and the pretty Bavarian town of Passau comes into view, its steeples knifing into the sky, pointing the way to heaven. As we dock we’re serenaded by church bells, and within the hour we’re on the cobblestoned streets.

Elegantly situated at the confluence of three rivers—the Danube, the Inn and the Ilz —Passau now has about 50,000 residents. But it was once an important salt-trading centre, with a history spanning back to the Celts and

the Romans. Today it’s best known for its cathedral, which houses Europe’s largest organ. We stand near the altar, which is ablaze in candle-glow, and crane our necks to see a few of the 17,974 organ pipes.

Passau, like many towns on the Danube, floods regularly and locals call it “the Venice of Bavaria”. Our guide Daniel tells us “you can’t get insurance because flooding isn’t a risk, it’s a reality”. Many buildings near the river have hochwassermarks— high-water marks giving the years of past floods. Here the highest mark reads “1501” and the next highest “2013”.

The city is dominated by Veste Oberhaus, a fortress founded in 1219 that’s currently the site of a restaurant and museum. I set out climbing on a paved walkway, and when I reach the top 30 minutes later, my face is sheened with sweat. I order a pint of crisp and refreshing lager, and enjoy the birds-eye view of the old town. It’s not surprising that when Napoleon came, saw and conquered Passau in 1809, he pronounced it Germany’s most beautiful city.

But today its streets are a turmoil of cars, trucks, buses and taxis, and I realise that river cruising is a great alternative to driving in most of Europe, where old cities are difficult to navigate and parking can be challenging.

From Passau we cruise through the Bavarian Forest, a remnant of the Hercynian Forest, which covered the same area in Roman times. The late-evening

sun strobes through the trees, a green phalanx broken by lichen-encrusted boulders shoved into place eons ago by a passing glacier. The sun falls and jerks the world into dusk.

At dinner Joey tells us that there’s a stretch of the Danube ahead that’s too low for passage—a possibility that had been raised in our pre-cruise literature. The predicament is easily remedied because at any given time there are dozens of identical Viking River Cruises’ ships moving up and down the Danube. We simply pack our luggage and the next morning we’re taken by bus beyond the too-shallow section to another barge, the Viking Kvasir, whose passengers in turn are taken to the Idi. Both ships, identical in every detail even to our cabin numbers, are turned around and before long we’re on our way westward. In

photo: a valon

Set on a rocky ledge high above the Danube are the impressive ruins of Aggstein Castle near Melk. Its foundations date to the 12th century

exchange for the inconvenience of repacking, we got a scenic ride through the German countryside.

After lunch I’m back in a deckchair at the bow just as the Kvasir enters one of the 67 locks we’ll encounter on the journey. The back gate closes, water is pumped in for ten minutes, the boat rises perhaps 20 feet, and finally the front gate opens and we sail out. A hundred years ago, riverboats often had to rely on pilots to guide them through the Danube’s rapids and whirlpools, but these were tamed by the lock system.

An hour later, I’m walking across a

12th-century bridge, used by the Crusaders on their way to Jerusalem 900 years ago, and entering the cobbled streets of Regensburg. The old town, another Unesco site, is an architectural collision of Roman, Romanesque and Gothic styles—patrician houses with stucco walls and decorative windows, medieval towers, a gothic cathedral, monasteries and abbeys.

Amid all the antiquity is a lively modern market with vendors shouting out the ripeness of their fruits and vegetables, which are stacked like giant jewels. The city has a population of about 150,000 and its principal employer is BMW, which has a major auto-production plant just outside the city. But tourism is also a big industry, and we stand next to an intact Roman wall that was part of a fortress built some 2,000 years ago.

“Regensburg is the best preserved medieval town in Germany because it suffered only minor damage during the Second World War,” Josef, our local guide, tells us. “It has the largest collection of medieval buildings—more than 1,000 in the tiny old section.”

I’m back on board by late afternoon as we leave the Danube and enter the Rhine-Main-Danube Canal, just over 60 miles north of Munich. The canal opened in 1992 to link the Danube and the Rhine, but it was first envisioned by Charlemagne in 793, when he ordered the construction of a canal to allow his battle fleet to pass through the centre of Europe.

The next morning we arrive in the Nuremberg, Germany’s 13th largest city, and are immersed in far more recent history. I stand on Zeppelin Field, the site of massive Nazi rallies in the 1930s. Today, however, couples stroll hand in hand and placards announce an open-air concert by the Nuremberg Symphony Orchestra. Most of the old city was destroyed by Allied bombing in the Second World War, but it’s been restored and today boasts excellent museums, markets, churches, fountains and galleries.

Yet looming over everything is a redbrick shell that was to be a 50,000-seat auditorium to house meetings of the Nuremburg, the centre of the rise and the fall of Nazi Germany, is now beautifully restored and has one of the most impressive Holocaust museums in the world

congress of the Nazi Party. Work on the unroofed, unfinished building was largely abandoned in 1939 at the beginning of the Second World War, but part of it has been made into an excellent museum called the Documentation Centre, which traces the rise and fall of National Socialism.

I enter the museum amid a sea of denim and backpacks, one of the many field trips of German school children who come here to learn first-hand about the darkest chapter in their nation’s history. At first they seem carefree, smuggling giggles to each other, but they are quickly sobered as they are taken step by step—using archival

film footage, photographs and computer simulations—through the rise of Nazism, the brutal war, the Holocaust and the trials and executions of top party officials. The students exit hushed, stoop-shouldered in sadness. A boy knuckles tears away. Another stares intently at the tops of his Reeboks. Two girls hold hands, sniffling

and mumbling to each other, their lips tight like a ventriloquists’.

“There are huge numbers of school visits to this museum every year, and nearly every German student comes here before they graduate,” says Sabine, our guide. “One of their most common reactions is the realisation that nearly everyone in Germany allowed this to happen. They relate this to their grandparents and great-grandparents, who seem to them like normal people.”

At dinner that night, it seems that table conversation is a little more subdued and waiters are pouring more wine than usual. But at the evening briefing our attention is turned to our next stop, the city of Wurzbürg, whose history dates back to 1000BC and which served as the home of powerful prince-bishops for many centuries. “It’s renowned for one of the finest baroque palaces in Europe,” Joey tells us, and is another Unesco site.

With six days left in the 870-mile journey that will end in Amsterdam, the voice of the past called out—as always, insistent and undeniable.

DID I READ ThAT RIGhT?

signs seen around the globe, as revealed by guy-sports.com:

Outside a dress shop, hong Kong: “Ladies have fits upstairs.”

At a tailor shop in Greece: “order your summer suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

At a zoo in Budapest: “please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

Exclusive Travel Club for Readers

Reader’s Digest is pleased to announce a brand new Travel Club in partnership with leading independent travel group Barrhead Travel, which will give our subscribers/readers access to a fully comprehensive travel service. This will include exclusive discounts, value added extras, and a number of specially-created, unique departures for Reader’s Digest travellers.

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important to travellers on land and at sea these days, this is something that Barrhead Travel’s consultants are experts at providing. Thanks to their state of the art technology and years of knowledge, they have the ability to tailor a holiday or cruise to make it unique to the customer. If you prefer to go away for 11 days instead of 14, or want to combine a cruise with a city break, a tour or a week in the sun, then that’s exactly the holiday they will put together for you. It’s all part of the service.

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Why not take a look at some of the fantastic o ers available to you through Reader’s Digest Travel Club

WONDERS OF CHINA TOUR

19 Nov 2015

– Fly from UK

From only £1895 per person

n 2 nights stay in Shanghai (Including city tour)

n 4 nights Yangtze River Cruise

n 3 nights stay in Chengdu (Including visit to Giant Panda Breeding Centre)

n 1 night stay in Xi’an (Including visit to the Terracotta Warriors)

n 4 nights stay in Beijing (Including visit to the Great Wall)

ROMANTIC DANUBE RIVER CRUISE

Various dates

– Jul & Aug 2015

– Fly from UK

From only £1895 per person

n Visiting: Budapest, Vienna, Melk, Passau, Regensburg and Nuremberg

n Includes 6 guided tours

n All meals on board & specially selected wine, beer and soft drinks with meals

n Deluxe en-suite accommodation with river view

n FREE regional departures from selected airports

ALASKA CRUISE , ROCKIES RAIL EXPLORER & TORONTO

From only £2999 per person

9 May 2015 – Fly from UK

n 5 nights stay in Vancouver

n 7 night Alaska cruise on board Holland America

Noordam

n 2 days on board the award-winning Rocky Mountaineer train

n 2 nights stay in Ban

n 3 nights stay in Toronto

n FREE $200 onboard credit per cabin

CARIBBEAN CRUISE ONBOARD P&O BRITANNIA

From only £1339 per person

5 Dec 2015 - Fly from UK

n 14 nights onboard the brand new P&O Britannia – the first P&O ship to be christened by Her Majesty the Queen in 20 years!

n Visiting: Barbados, Antigua, St. Maarten, Tortola, Grand Turk, St. Kitts, Dominica, St. Lucia and Grenada

n Departures available from London Gatwick, Manchester and Birmingham

Terms and conditions apply - O ers are subject to availability and price changes, prices correct at time of print. Debit card fees charged at £1. Credit card fees charged at 2.5%. Errors & omissions excluded.

A Financial Tidy Up

If you haven’t got a handle on everything going in and out of your accounts, it’s time to have a good clear out

BY NiCK Hill

Nick Hill is a money expert at the Money Advice Service. Visit money adviceservice. org.uk for details

TO SPRING CLEAN YOUR HOME THOROUGHLY, you should start at the top and work your way to the bottom, check in places you don’t often go and chuck away anything you don’t need. The same is true for spring cleaning your bank and savings accounts, and there’s plenty you can do to make sure you’re getting the best.

Are you paying the right amount?

Money Advice Service research found that only 60% of people check the items on their bank statements. Although it’s a great start, really everyone should be making sure they’re paying the right amount for the right things.

Online banking can make checking your account a lot easier, but if you don’t have it, gather the paper statements together and look for unusual payments or high amounts.

Audit your regular payments

Direct debits and standing orders are easy to overlook. Take this chance to run through them all.

First, look for wrong amounts and double payments. If you find an error, don’t worry—you’re protected by the directdebit guarantee. This means you can get an immediate refund from your bank once you’ve let it know about the problem.

Some products and services will have auto renewal in their terms and conditions. Check for these, or contact providers to see when your contracts end and make sure there aren’t any old agreements still active in your account.

Check your interest rates

There’s a good chance you won’t be getting the same interest rate on your ISA or savings account as when you opened it. The rate could have dropped down to make any money made negligible. Get in touch with your provider to see what interest rate you’re on, then shop around to see if there’s a better rate.

Are you being charged a fee?

Some bank accounts come with bonus features such as travel insurance, but hit you with a monthly fee. Sometimes these can be good value, but check to see if you’re using these benefits and if they would be cheaper to buy independently.

Switch your current account to something better

If your bank doesn’t offer you anything special, there’s a competitive market right now for current accounts. Interest rates as high as 5% AER, cashback or a bonus of £100 are just some of the perks on offer. There are requirements to get these though, so read the terms and conditions first. Most importantly, make sure the new account meets your needs.

Five Ways To Lower The Cost Of Car Insurance

Here are some of our top tips for getting the best deal on you car insurance, especially on renewal.

1CHOOse a CaR iN a lOW

iNsURaNCe gROUP. Cars are divided into 50 insurance groups according to various factors, including engine size and likely cost of repairs. The higher the insurance group, the higher the premium. Generally speaking, insurance groups one to two are packed with small city cars, while insurance group three includes more common everyday cars.

2dRiVe

3PaY

UPFRONt. If you can afford it, you’ll usually save money by paying the full year upfront rather than monthly by direct debit.

4iNCRease YOUR eXCess

The excess is the amount you pay if you need to claim. The higher you make it, the lower the premium.

5sHOP aROUNd FOR tHe

Best deal. Use a comparison site or broker to compare quotes from different insurers. The more time you put in, the more likely you are to get better cover at the right price. You can then ask your current insurer or call the British Insurance Brokers Association (BIBA) on 0870 950 1790 to find a broker and see what price they can find. They might even beat it.

CaReFUllY aNd saFelY.

If you have an accident or incur penalty points on your licence, you’ll probably pay more when you renew. No-claims bonuses will also cut how much you pay.

Could You Have Money In Lost Pensions?

With the average person clocking up 11 jobs during their working life, it’s conceivable they have a pension tucked away that they’ve forgotten about. And with an estimated 50 million pension pots being “lost” by 2050, it’s worth seeing if yours is one of them.

Luckily, there are ways to track yours down. Firstly, contact your old employer or provider to see if they have the details.

If you can’t remember—or find— details for either of those, there’s also a free service that searches databases. The Pension Tracing Service received 145,000 requests last year, finding

126,150 lost pensions, and it recently announced it’s increasing the number of staff to help with demand.

You’ll need dates you worked at your employer and other information, such as your National Insurance number. The more you can provide, the easier it’ll be for them to track down your pension.

this could be the year that we spend more using cashless systems than by using coins and paper money. Here are six ways you can join the revolution:

1. tap away with a contactless credit or debit card.

2. buy online and collect in store.

3. send money to a phone number with Paym.

4 attach cash to an email.

5. Pay with apps on your smartphone.

tiMe tO gO CasHless

Easy-to-prepare meals and accompanying drinks

Spring Vegetable Tartlets

By Rachel walke R

Rachel is a food writer and blogs at thefoodieat.org

SWALLOWS, TURTLE DOVES AND HOUSE

MARTINS are returning from their migration. Bracken fronds are uncurling and primroses are spattering gardens with colour. But my favourite celebration of spring happens in the kitchen, where fresh greens become available once again: watercress, lettuces, purple sprouting broccoli... and asparagus.

Celebrate the seasonal transition with this spring recipe, which takes its flavour from green asparagus. It’s quick and easy, and makes a delicious starter or light lunch.

Serves 4

• 3 filo pastry sheets

• 20g butter, melted

• 2 eggs

• 2tbsp mascarpone

• 40g hard goats’ cheese, finely grated

• 4 asparagus spears, cut into 2cm batons (tips set aside)

• 1tsp mustard

• 2 sprigs of thyme

• Freshly ground pepper

• 2tbsp lemon juice

• 6tbsp olive oil

• 1tsp mustard

• Salt

• Pepper

• 100g watercress

1. Preheat oven to 180C.

2. To make the cases, lay out one filo sheet on a flat surface and brush it with melted butter. Press the second pastry sheet on top. Repeat, pressing the third filo pastry sheet on top. Cut into four squares.

3. Gently push the pastry squares into

a greased muffin tin—a little like pushing a napkin in a glass. The pastry will softly scrumple and stick over the edges. It adds to the drama. Put the muffin tin in the oven for 5 minutes, to allow the four tartlet cases to crisp up a little bit.

4. Meanwhile, hand whisk the eggs and mascarpone until there are no lumps and it’s a light cream colour. Add the goats’ cheese, asparagus, mustard, thyme and ground pepper.

5. Spoon the mixture into the tartlet cases and decorate each by placing the tip of the asparagus spear on each. Return the tray to the oven for a further 15–20 minutes, until the filling has set.

6. In the meantime, shake the lemon, mustard, olive oil, salt and pepper in a jam jar. Use it to dress the watercress, and divide the salad between four plates. Add a cooked tartlet to each and serve.

DIFFERENT INGREDIENTS

Experiment with the filling of the tartlet. Peas make a nice addition, as does crispy bacon. The goats’ cheese can easily be substituted for Cheddar, crumbled blue cheese or even feta.

A Crisp White For Those Difficult Greens

BRUSSELS S p ROUTS, ARTI c HO k E

AND AS pARAg US: the sommelier’s nightmare. They come from a small list of ingredients that are famously tricky to pair with wine.

One solution comes in the form of Grüner Veltliner, which is often a recommended accompaniment to asparagus. The full-bodied Austrian white wine isn’t widely known, perhaps because most of it stays in Austria. As the wine’s export market grows, more and more people are converted to Grüner Veltliner and its vegetal

green, white-pepper notes, which makes it a particularly good partner to green spring vegetables.

Perhaps if the asparagus market continues to expand at the speed it has done, Grüner Veltliner might soon become an everyday wine in Britain too.

■ M Signature Grüner

Veltliner 75cl, £6.99

■ Sainsburys Taste

The Difference

Grüner Veltliner, £7.50, Sainsbury’s

■ Schloss Maissau

Weinviertel Grüner

Veltliner, £9.50, The wine Society

DID yOU kNOw?

british demand for asparagus has rocketed 540% in the past decade. in 1970, only 2.9% of brits bought it. now millions of kilograms are imported each year. try eating asparagus in season, or even have a go at growing it yourself. Visit british-asparagus.co.uk for tips on how.

British asparagus Festival, worcestershire april 23 – June 21

the month-long celebration starts with the annual “great asparagus run”, followed by cooking demonstrations, workshops and an exhibition chronicling asparagus’ history in the area. Visit britishasparagusfestival.org for details.

Pudding of the Month

Banana Ice Cream

We turn to the trusty banana for this quick and easy recipe, which is better with ripe, sweet fruit.

Serves 4

• 5 bananas, peeled and sliced

• 75ml double cream

Butterscotch sauce

• 50g soft brown sugar

• 50g butter

• 2tbsp golden syrup

• 4tbsp double cream

1. Put the banana slices in a plastic box and freeze. 2. To make the butterscotch sauce, melt the butter in a saucepan. Add the brown sugar and golden syrup, and bring to a simmer. As it’s cooling, stir in the double cream.

3. Once they’re fully frozen, put the banana slices straight into a food processor and then blitz while adding the double cream. Divide between four bowls and top with the butterscotch sauce.

BOOk

A Change of Appetite by Diana Henry, £13, Amazon. For healthy recipes that don’t compromise on flavour.

BaRGaIN

Nasturtium Alaska Mix Seeds, £1.99, Marshalls. It’s not too late to sow salad seeds for homegrown greens.

BlOw-OUT

“grow, cook, Eat”— two-day course, £290, April 16–17. Beginner course with cook and gardener Sarah Raven.

By a LIS on Cork

Home and interiors expert

Alison Cork runs luxury furniture and accessories brands alison athome.com and homeware clearance site oneregentplace. co.uk

A Working Home

Alison answers your questions on creating a home office that really works for you

QI want a trendy home office without compromising on comfort. Do you have any recommendations for choosing the right chair?

aIt’s all well and good to find a chair you absolutely love the look of, but that affection goes right out the window once you discover your dream seat can be likened to a torture device. Go with a high-quality piece with lumbar support, adjustable settings and padding. To add style and flair, have the chair reupholstered in a fabric of your choice and feel free to have fun with texture, colour and pattern.

Gardeners’ Diary

Follow these top tips to ensure you’re on track for a fantastic, blooming good spring.

■ Add a general-purpose fertiliser around the base of all shrubs and plants.

■ Apply weed or moss killer, then rake out the debris after a few weeks.

■ Start sowing annual seeds for your summer baskets.

QI don’t have a dedicated room for a home office, but I’m desperate for a space to get work done! What can I do?

aAn office doesn’t always have to take up an entire room. In fact, your productive sanctuary can fit nicely into any existing space, from guest rooms and lofts to living rooms. Find a free corner or wall and begin setting up by adding a few key pieces like a desk, chair and shelf. Once you’ve covered the basics, it’s time to add accessories that inspire you, such as decorative books or framed prints featuring your favourite quotes.

offICe PoLItICS

revamp your home office for a more productive work space.

Chic colours

the beauty of working from home means the entire space is yours to decorate. Go with a colour that personally stimulates your mind—and don’t be afraid to go bright and bold!

Molokai Blue and Tango, £41.63, ecospaints.com

Light the way to success

Be kind to your eyes and aid concentration with the right lighting. invest in a good quality (and effortlessly chic) desk lamp with an adjustable arm. Anglepoise Type 75 LED Lamp, £120, design55online.co.uk

Stylish shelving from unassuming floating shelves to trendy industrial standing structures, shelving is a smart way to surround yourself with practical objects and accessories that inspire you.

The Ledge Shelf, £55, stuffofdreams.com

Get The Look: Sleek Study

Some simplistic and stylish furnishings and accessories to create the perfect work space at home

1. Pocket Wall Organiser, £14, bearandbear.com

2. Silver Angle Lamp, £228, thefarthing.co.uk

3. Industrial Chic Tall Filing Cabinet, £369, hampshire furniture.co.uk

4. Rattan Dining Chair, £225, alexanderandpearl.co.uk

5. Classic Black Frame, £85, ayersandgraces.com

If you are searching for the finest hand-built leather upholstery without the usual extravagant price tags, then you need to look no further than the latest Thomas Lloyd brochure. By selling direct from our factory you get furniture at Trade Prices and of a far higher quality than you would from your local shops at similar prices.

Getting Smart With Your Watch

Olly is a technology expert, LBC presenter and Answer Me

This! podcaster

The Mobile World Congress tradeshow is traditionally the place where tech companies launch their flagship handsets into the European market. It’s telling, then, that one of the most talked-about products this year wasn’t a phone at all, but a smartwatch. Ahead of the arrival of Apple Watch, LG have nipped in with an all-metal design that’s closer in build to a traditional luxury timepiece. It’s kitted out with the usual range of apps and sensors, but it’s safe to say Apple will blow away all competition when their (inevitably more user-friendly) device finally becomes available.

android app of the month:

oUtLook, free Microsoft released the mobile version of Word so late that many users had become accustomed to the free alternatives. Similarly, this version of their email

software has made a late debut, but it’s well worth making the switch. An intuitive app combining multiple mail accounts, Outlook integrates your Calendars and filters out promo emails into a separate tab.

LG Watch Urbane, £299

b y o LLy mann

Leef ibridGe, from £49

When stuck on a plane or train carriage with zero entertainment, you may come to regret your decision to choose a cheaper iPad with smaller storage capacity. Help is at hand with the iBridge, a stylish, tactile mobile memory stick with USB at one end and Lightning connector at the other, enabling you to consume easily movies, music and photos you’ve transferred from your PC or Mac on to your Apple device, without impinging on your disk space.

damSon headboneS, £99.99

It’s hard for pedestrians and cyclists to stay alert when wearing noise-insulating cans, but these Yorkshire-designed headphones don’t send sound signals down your ear canal at all. Instead, they transmit vibrations through the temporal bone in your skull, leaving your ears free to hear other things. It takes a while to get used to the tickling sensation, and bass-heavy music is literally a headache to listen to. But for podcasts, acoustic tunes and taking calls (there’s a built-in mic), they’re a novel way to keep listening and stay safe.

appLe app of the month: trivia crack, free

This rapid-fire quiz game is aptlynamed, and rather more practical than carrying round a pub-quiz machine in your pocket. Battling fellow users from around the world, you’re given questions from six diverse categories presented within a cutesy cartoon universe. You can even submit your own questions— 2,000 new ones are added each day, so no two games are ever the same.

By Geor G ina yates

Georgina is a fashion and beauty editor for numerous travel titles and a blogger at cargocollective. com/withgeorgia

Stylish April Showers

Bergen is a pretty seaside city on the western coast of Norway, known to the locals as “the gateway to the fjords”. Although it’s one of the warmer regions in Norway, it rains on average 213 days a year.

For former casting and costume director and Bergen local Lisbeth Lillebøe, the wet weather proved to be a catalyst for her career switch from film to fashion.

“I realised that I didn’t get to create in the way I wanted to in the world of TV and movies,” says Lisbeth. “So I made a daring decision; I pawned my home in order to follow my dream!”

The Darling Buds of Spring

Fashion echoes the arrival of spring with ditzy floral prints taking precedence.

1. These cropped trousers from Laura Ashley are covered in dinky daisies and can be dressed up or down (£44, lauraashley.com).

2. This jersey dress by Fat Face features a micro floral print and is perfect for day and night (£45, fatface.com).

3. Put a spring in your step with these Cath Kidston pumps (£24, cathkidston.com).

Lisbeth is now the creative mastermind behind Blæst, a label that specialises in wet-weather apparel for women.

“When I first started out, you could only find boring, unshaped raincoats on the market. I soon realised there was a need to create something that could make urban women feel well-dressed, even as the rain poured down.”

It was here the struggle to get her label off the ground began: “It was difficult to enter the market as an unknown designer. Luckily, a Norwegian representative for a German outdoor-clothing brand recognised the potential in my designs and was excited about my raincoats. He introduced my products to his customer base and things started to happen.

“Our coats have sealed seams, hoods, reflective details, breathable windproof fabrics and are very waterproof. They can easily be used on a sunny day, as well as in a rainstorm. We want to be out there with colourful and playful clothing that can cheer people up on those grey, stormy days.”

Now that the brand is available in 40 countries, it seems to be doing

Visit bylilleboe.no for details

sprinG colours

For spring, cosmetic company No.7 take inspiration from natural beauty looks for their new Mini eye palette special edition (£11, boots.com), which consists of matt creams, iridescent golds and earthy tones. The selection of colours work really well together, making it a great palette to keep in your handbag for topping up while on the go.

For a simple day look, sweep the matt beige along your socket line and brighten lids with a touch of light cream. Or build on this base using darker browns and shimmery golds for a striking evening style.

Jewels From The Highlands

eileen gatt has Been designing jewellery for over 20 years, a craft she’s taught at numerous universities. Her lightly frosted silver pieces often depict scenes from wild landscapes—it’s the striking surroundings of her home in the Scottish highlands, and the folklore associated with the area, that has provided Eileen with a wealth of inspiration. Running hares or gulls in flight appear as figurines hanging from charm bracelets or lightly stepping over cufflinks.

Eileen—who recently designed a collection based solely on Scottish

folklore—discovered her signature style at art school: “I like to think of my work as miniature sculptures, each one telling a story, allowing the wearer to develop their own personal attachment.”

Her work appears in galleries across the UK and is available to buy online. She also welcomes the chance to work with customers to create bespoke pieces.

■ Visit eileengatt.co.uk for details

a BaG For liFe

The nautically inclined Cornish clothing label seasalt continues its support of charity Fisherman’s Mission by launching a range of sustainable jute bags, designed by several highprofile names who share an affinity with the Cornish coast. Dame Judi Dench (right), who filmed scenes for Ladies In Lavender in Prussia Cove, has designed a jute bag that depicts the stunning secluded setting where she filmed.

■ Visit seasalt.co.uk for details

A breath of fresh air

take the hard work out of housework

vacuum cleaners help make cleaning easy. Light to push, with comfortable handles and long cables, using them is a breeze. High technology filtration ensures that all the dust they capture is safely trapped inside, protecting you and your family against harmful allergens, as well as keeping your home clean. Some models even filter out odour, which is great if you have pets.

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A rollercoaster ride of prose and plot, and a tantalisingly twisty tale of revenge

April Fiction

Last Night on Earth

by Kevin Maher

James writes and presents the BBC Radio 4 literary quiz The Write Stuff

(Little, Brown, £14.99; ebook, £14.99)

At first sight—and several subsequent ones— Last Night on Earth might seem rather a wild book. Having grown up in the west of Ireland, its main character Jay heads for London to work on building sites, but somehow bags himself a job in TV. Kevin Maher’s adrenalin-fuelled prose shifts constantly between the funny and the heartbreaking, the satirical and the tender—often in the same paragraph.

And yet, the longer the novel goes on, the clearer it becomes that, unlike Jay, Maher has everything (sort of) under control. The verbal fireworks—while thrilling in themselves—are at the service of such old-school satisfactions as a series of interlocking plots, the importance of love and the creation of characters who are impossible not to root for. At times, in fact, the result is not unlike a winningly unhinged version of David Nicholls’ One Day. It also ranks among the most enjoyable novels of the year so far.

NAME THE AUTHoR

(Answer on p126)

Can you guess the writer from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)?

2. While working for the Post Office, he introduced the pillar box to Britain.

1. He was born exactly 200 years ago this month.

3. TV adaptations of his work include the BBC’s 26-episode version of The Pallisers in 1974.

Disclaimer by Renée Knight (Doubleday, £12.99; ebook, £8.99)

Thanks presumably to Gone Girl, there’s no shortage these days of psychological thrillers that hinge on the secrets married couples keep from each other. But even so, Renée Knight’s first novel is causing an unusual degree of excitement in the books world.

Catherine Ravenscroft is a successful documentary maker living happily in London with her husband. Until, that is, she’s sent a mysterious novel intimately based on a horrifying incident from her past that, in the customary way, she’s never told her husband about. Meanwhile, in every other chapter we hear from a retired schoolmaster and part-time writer who’s out for revenge… Knight does a superb job of allowing the full details to emerge in a way that’s always tantalising, but never too slow. By about halfway through, the basic story is already clear, although that doesn’t stop the twists from coming—or the book from continuing to exert its page-turning grip. My only reservation concerns the very final twist: not because it lacks either genuine shock value or even plausibility, but that, when it comes, Knight can’t quite hide the level of contrivance that was required to hold it back for so long.

pApERbAcks

■ Charlie Chaplin by peter Ackroyd (Vintage, £7.99). Compelling account of how Chaplin rose from poverty to be one of the most influential figures of the 20th century.

■ The Secret Place by Tana French (Hodder, £6.99). Highly acclaimed murder novel set in a Dublin girls’ boarding school.

■ Sapiens by yuval Noah Harari (Vintage, £8.99). The entire history of humankind in 500 pages. Brilliantly done and endlessly fascinating.

■ Frog Music by Emma Donoghue (picador, £7.99). Donoghue heads to 19th-century San Francisco for a very different tale of city bustle and intrigue.

■ It’s Not Me, It’s You by Mhairi McFarlane (Harper, £7.99). Funny and touching romance that’s fabulously sharp about what it’s like to live in Britain today.

■ More Fool Me by stephen Fry (penguin, £8.99). Memoir of Fry’s famously rackety life in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

A psychiatrist unravels the history of his science, from its murky past to its present-day standing RD’s REcoMMENDED READ

Picking Our Brains

“The profession, T o which i have dedicaT ed my life,” writes Jeffrey Lieberman at the start of Shrinks, “remains the most distrusted, feared and denigrated of all medical specialties.”

Reading the fascinating, often alarming book that follows, it’s not hard to see why. Lieberman makes a rather convincing case that modern psychiatry is now pretty good at both diagnosing and treating mental illness. But he also emphasises how, for most of its history, it could reliably do neither.

One obvious problem, he argues, has been the excessive influence of Sigmund Freud, who blurred the distinction between genuine mental illness and ordinary human behaviour. As for treatments, Lieberman does his best to be fair by stressing that, however bizarre

some now seem, the alternative was “interminable misery”. Even so, he can’t hide his horror at, say, the widespread mid-20th-century use of lobotomies (basically, scraping out parts of the brain with a wire loop)— or that their inventor won the Nobel Prize for Medicine.

Shrinks: the Untold History of Psychiatry by Jeffrey Lieberman is published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson at £20; ebook, £10.99

The same mixture of good sense and a sharp eye for arresting facts continues throughout the book. Take, for instance, this passage about the 1950s, with the Freudians in their dogmatic pomp…

‘‘

The parents—and particularly the mother—became the stalking horse for all varieties of mental illness: since a person’s early psychosexual development was the soil from which all illness grew, psychoanalysts declared Mum and Dad prime candidates for psychopathological culpability. The prominent anthropologist Gregory Bateson postulated a ‘double bind’ theory of schizophrenia, which appointed the mother as the sickest member of the family. According to Bateson, mothers fostered schizophrenia by issuing conflicting demands (the double bind)—for example, by simultaneously insisting, ‘Speak when you are spoken to!’ and ‘Don’t talk back!’ He argued that the ego resolved this no-win situation by retreating into a fantasy world where the impossible became possible.

Autism? Engendered by the ‘refrigerator mother’—a caregiver who remained cold and emotionless around her children. Homosexuality? [Officially considered a mental illness until 1973.] Induced by domineering mothers who instilled a fear of castration in their sons along with a deep-seated rejection of women. Depression? ‘The ego tries to punish itself to forestall punishment by the parent,’ declared the eminent psychoanalyst Sandor Rado. In other words, suicidal thoughts were the result of childhood anger towards Mum and Dad getting turned inwards

TAlkiNg iT oUT: soME QUoTATioNs AboUT psycHiATRy

“Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.” laurence peter, author of The Peter Principle

“A sick thought can devour the body’s flesh more than fever or consumption.” Guy de maupassant, french writer

“We can rarely alter the course of mental illness. We must openly admit that the vast majority of the patients placed in our institutions are forever lost”. emil Kraepelin, psychiatrist, 1917

We don’t want any damned psychiatrists making our boys sick. General John smith, 1944

How come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain? ruby wax, comedian

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. samuel Goldwyn, producer

onto yourself, since you couldn’t express your true feelings to your parents without fearing their reprisal. Paranoia? ‘It arises in the first six months of life,’ pronounced analyst Melanie Klein, ‘as the child spits

from the ridiculous (a psychiatrist urging a psychotic person to talk about their sexual fantasies) to the disastrous (a psychiatrist encouraging a suicidal patient to accept that their parents never loved them).

It wasn’t enough that parents had to endure a child’s illness; they were also blamed for having caused it

out the mother’s milk, fearing the mother will revenge herself because of his hatred of her.’

It was not enough that parents had to endure a child’s mental illness; after this onslaught of inane diagnoses, they also had to suffer the indignity of being blamed for having caused the illness. But even worse were the treatments. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder—illnesses that for centuries were so mystifying that the only effective medical treatment was institutionalisation—were now believed to be curable through the right kind of talk therapy. Like a pet cat in a tree, a deranged individual merely had to be coaxed into climbing down to reality. This belief led to situations that ranged

AND THE NAME oF

THE AUTH o R is… Anthony Trollope (who, despite success, worked for the Post Office until his early fifties).

By 1955, a majority of psychoanalysts had concluded that all forms of mental illness were manifestations of inner psychological conflicts. But the hubris didn’t stop there. At this point, if it had been able to sit upon its own therapeutic couch, the American psychoanalytic movement would have been diagnosed with all the classic symptoms of mania: extravagant behaviours, grandiose beliefs and irrational faith in its worldaltering capabilities.

Having folded the seriously mentally ill into their elastic diagnostic tent, psychoanalysts now wanted to include the rest of the human race. Starting in the late 1950s, they set out to convince the public that we were all walking wounded, normal neurotics, functioning psychotics…and that Freud’s teachings contained the secrets to eradicating our inner strife and reaching our full potential as human beings.

Books

t H at c H anged M y life

Patrick gale is the best-selling author of 17 novels, including Rough Music and Notes from an Exhibition. His latest book A Place Called Winter is out now

Persuasion

By Jane austen

When I was 13, I was stuck in bed with flu long enough to read all Jane Austen’s novels—lovely hardback editions of my mother’s—in the order they were written. So I came to Persuasion at the end and it was the first time a book had moved me so much I almost couldn’t talk about it. The emotional effect on the reader of Persuasion is what I try to reproduce in my books.

Tales of the City

By armistead maupin

This series of nine novels taught me so much about writing. Maupin’s charming and honest tone wins his readers trust and then leads us to unexpected thoughts and places, like a favoured nephew kindly offering his arm and then quietly leading you into dark

corners of the woods. Maupin is now a friend of mine and told me always to be myself when I write, not to try and show off. That’s as irritating a habit on the page as it is in real life.

Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant

By anne tyler

I discovered this when I was already a published author, but Tyler’s technical brilliance sent me back to the drawing board. Her acute observations of the Tull siblings, who share the same childhood with their single mother but experience it in very different ways, is so clever. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that, like me, Tyler’s a frustrated psychotherapist. Her understanding of why relationships and life go wrong, despite the best motives, makes one more compassionate and forgiving. If I could write a book this good, I’d be a happy man. As told to Caroline Hutton

© Mark Pringle

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With personal challenges and the broader struggles of the age merging seamlessly, Some Luck examines the nature of family, character and how we are all changed by unforeseen circumstances. From intimate settings, Smiley tackles universal themes.

WALTER LANGDON HADN’T WALKED OUT to check the fence along the creek for a couple of months—now that the cows were up by the barn for easier milking in the winter, he’d been putting o fencemending—so he hadn’t seen the pair of owls nesting in the big elm. e tree was half dead; every so often Walter thought of cutting it for rewood, but he would have to get help taking it down, because it must be eighty feet tall or more and four feet in diameter. And it wouldn’t be the best rewood, hardly worth the trouble. Right then, he saw one of the owls y out of a big cavity maybe ten to twelve feet up, either a big female or a very big male—at any rate, the biggest horned owl Walter had ever seen—and he paused and stood for a minute, still in the afternoon breeze, listening, but there was nothing. He saw why in a moment. e owl oated out for maybe twenty yards, dropped toward the snowy pasture. en came a high screaming, and the owl rose again, this time with a full-grown rabbit in its talons, writhing, going limp,

probably deadened by fear. Walter shook himself.

His gaze followed the owl upward, along the southern horizon, beyond the fence line and the tiny creek, past the road. Other than the big elm and two smaller ones, nothing broke the view—vast snow faded into vast cloud cover. He could just see the weather vane and the tip of the cupola on Harold Gruber’s barn, more than half a mile to the south. e enormous owl gave the whole scene focus, and woke him up. A rabbit, even a screaming rabbit? at was one less rabbit after his oat plants this spring. e world was full of rabbits, not so full of owls, especially owls like this one, huge and silent.

Carry on reading and find out more about Jane Smiley’s writing process at: Picador.com/SomeLuck

‘I’m

already lost in [Some Luck] – she’s a brilliant writer’. Farhana Gani, Reader’s Digest

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You Couldn’t Make It Up

Win £50 for your true, funny stories! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

I was workInG at receptIon in a hotel when a guest queried her bill and insisted on speaking to the manager.

“Why is it so expensive?” she demanded, placing the £300 statement for one night’s stay in his hand.

“This hotel has a health centre, two bars and evening cabaret,” the manager replied.

“I never used any of them,” the guest insisted.

“Well, you could have done,” the manager confidently replied.

“It’s the new edition”

On hearing this, the guest counted £150 and slammed it on the desk.

“It’s half, as we shared a room,” the guest stated.

The embarrassed manager hotly denied the accusation, much to the guest’s amusement.

“Well, you could have done,” she sniggered. JIll cohen, Leeds

I was In a qUeUe For a cash poInt while on holiday, with my wife behind me—or so I thought.

When I got my cash out, I turned

round to hand her a £10 note and said, “Blow it on anything you like.”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t my wife but a complete stranger. The look on his face is something I’ll never forget!

D a scott, Eastbourne

I recently attenDeD a GatherInG to welcome our newly appointed mayor into office. We arrived just ahead of the mayor and her husband, and took our seats towards the back of the crowd.

It was obvious that a lady behind us hadn’t realised our new mayor was female. Turning to her husband, she asked, “So if she’s a mayor, what’s he?”

With only a slight hesitation, her companion replied, “A stallion.”

marIa UrqUhart, Cork

we took oUr two teenaGe sons to a restaurant that was packed with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harassed waitress took our order, but 30 minutes later there was no sign of our food. I was trying to keep my boys occupied when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

“You hear that?” said my 13-yearold. “Someone’s just got their food.”

rachelle harDInG, Cambridge

one nIGht In the pUb, my friend Louise, who comes from Accrington, came back from the bar with a cork in her hand.

“Where’s your drink?” I enquired.

“The barman doesn’t understand my accent,” she giggled. “I’ve been trying to order a coke!”

JennIFer bIshop, Liverpool

a FrIenD went to a small local zoo with his two young sons. It was packed with various native birds and animals, and the lads were fascinated to learn about their habits, likes and dislikes.

Later that evening, my friend reminded his sons that they should get ready for bed.

“No thanks, Dad,” his four-yearold replied. “I’m nocturnal, so I don’t have to go to bed.’’

charles Gray, Glasgow

I once vIsIteD chIna on an orGanIseD toUr with about 30 people in the party. There was one couple—nicknamed The Glums by the rest of the group—who moaned about everything.

Mrs Glum moaned that there was only Chinese food to eat, and Mr Glum moaned about having to use chopsticks. They also moaned about the steepness of the steps when we visited the Great Wall.

Some of the hotels along the trip had been pretty poor, but we were eventually on our way to a hotel that was rated as one of the best in the world. When our guide announced to the coach that it would be the next stop, we all cheered.

It was the most impressive hotel I’d ever seen, and we knew there’d be luxuries such as a pool and room service. We saw The Glums checking in and sniggered among ourselves— surely there was nothing that they could moan about here.

Almost on cue, Mr Glum turned from the check-in desk, surveyed the foyer and said to his wife, “Hmph! It’s a long walk to the lifts!”

sUsan roGers, Yorkshire

Featured Artist André Rieu

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it pays to increase your

Word Power

They say a good vocabulary is the foundation of learning. Master these terms related to architecture and construction, and you will build yourself a fine edifice. Answers on next page.

By Emily Cox & H E nry r at H von

1. raze (‘rayz) v—A: build up.

B: dig a foundation. C: tear down.

2. dexterous (‘dek-ster-us)

adj—A: skillful. B: left-handed.

C: turned clockwise.

3. caulking (‘caul-king) v

A: sanding wood. B: sealing joints or seams. C: cutting to size.

4. stud (‘stuhd) n—A: slang for a good carpenter. B: levelling bar.

C: upright post.

5. on spec (on ‘spek) adv

A: using blueprints. B: without a contract. C: ahead of schedule.

6. garret (‘gar-it) n—A: attic room.

B: pantry or extra kitchen room.

C: basement room.

7. annex (‘a-neks) n

A: supplementary structure. B: underground dwelling. C: foundation.

8. wainscot (‘wayn-skoht)

n—A: intricate plasterwork.

B: scaffolding. C: panelled part of a wall.

9. rotunda (roh-‘tun-duh) n

A: central column. B: circular room.

C: revolving door.

10. plumb (‘plum) adj—A: not linked, as pipes. B: past its prime. C: vertical.

11. aviary (‘ay-vee-ehr-ee) n

A: house for birds. B: airport terminal.

C: open lobby.

12. corrugated (‘kor-eh-gayt-ed) adj—A: with closed doors. B: rusted.

C: having a wavy surface.

13. mezzanine (‘meh-zeh-neen)

n—A: low storey. B: domed ceiling.

C: marble top.

14. cornice (‘kor-nes) n—A: meeting of two walls. B: decorative top edge.

C: steeple or spire.

15. vestibule (‘ves-teh-buyl)

n—A: dressing room. B: lobby.

C: staircase.

answers

1. raze—[C] tear down. “I hear they’re going to raze the shed and build a greenhouse.”

2. dexterous—[A] skillful. “Charlotte knitted a scarf with her amazingly dexterous hands.”

3. caulking—[B] sealing joints or seams. “The contractors needed to undertake some caulking to make the seams watertight.”

4. stud—[C] upright post. “Don’t start hammering the wall until you put a stud behind it.”

5. on spec—[B] without a contract. “Dad is building the girls’ doll house on spec.”

6. garret—[A] attic room. “I’m not fancy—a cosy garret is all I need to finish the novel.”

7. annex—[A] supplementary structure. “The children’s annex was a good addition to the library.”

8. wainscot—[C] panelled part of a wall. “Mary’s kids have treated the entire wainscot as an experimental crayon mural.”

9. rotunda—[B] circular room. “The conflicting blueprints for the rotunda have me going in circles!”

10. plumb—[C] vertical. “Our fixerupper may need new floors, doors, and windows, but at least the walls are plumb.”

11. aviary—[A] house for birds. “ ‘Your cat hasn’t taken his eyes off that aviary,’ Deborah noted.”

12. corrugated—[C] having a wavy surface. “All we have for a roof is a sheet of corrugated tin.”

13. mezzanine—[A] low storey. “Our hotel had a separate bathroom on the mezzanine.”

14. cornice—[B] decorative top edge. “You’re going to need one hell of an extension ladder to reach that cornice.”

word of tHE day*

rasPing: a harsh and grating sound. alternative suggestions:

“Going to steal certain summer fruits.”

“a snake with a chainsmoking habit.”

“cheering that spring is just around the corner.”

“stirring coulis with a file.”

15. vestibule [B] lobby. “With anxiety gradually building, Claire waited over an hour in the vestibule for her interview.”

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McCarthy & Stone has apartments for sale at over 100 developments across the UK. So wherever you want to buy, we’ll have a location to suit you.

BrainTeasers

Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers, then check your answers on page 139.

flower power

Which are the only two pieces that will fit together perfectly to form a blue flower identical to this yellow flower? Pieces may be rotated, but not flipped over. shapes

pyramid tower

Each block is equal to the (positive) difference of the two numbers beneath it. The completed pyramid will contain the digits from 1 to 10, one number in each block. We have placed two of the numbers for you.

dominoes

There are ten dominoes in this wall, but five have been masked out. Can you place the missing dominoes correctly, bearing in mind that each vertical line of four numbers (as well as the two end vertical lines of two numbers) adds up to eight?

seCtions

Can you divide the picture on the left by drawing five straight lines to produce 11 sections, each containing two different shapes?

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

BrainTeasers: Answers

flower power

A and E. shapes

C. The square originally on the left rotates 90 degrees clockwise and moves to bottom right, the square originally on the right rotates 90 degrees clockwise and moves to bottom left, and the square in the middle rotates 180 degrees and moves to the top of the pyramid.

pyramid tower

One possible solution is: dominoes seCtions

£50 prize qUestion

answer published in the May issue

Which of the four boxed figures completes the set?

the first correct answer we pick on april 2 wins £50!* email excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

answer to marCh’s prize qUestion

C. each line contains two yellow stars and one blue star. each line contains a red square, a purple square and a yellow square. the missing picture must be a yellow star with a purple square.

and the £50 Goes to… ann Cuthbert, Lincoln a B C d ?

Laugh!

Win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish! Go to readersdigest. co.uk/contact-us or facebook.com/readersdigestuk

my polish Friends, a married couple, separated some months ago and I can’t see any hope of a reconciliation—despite marriage counselling, they’re still poles apart.

Ger o’sUllivan, Cork

i asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, “Oh, I guess I’ll have champagne.”

I said, “Guess again.”

comedian slappy White

on a rainy eveninG, Mike offers his friend Bill a ride on his motorbike.

Mike suggests that Bill puts on his coat back to front, with the collar up, to stop the rain getting in.

On the road, they go over a bump and Bill falls off. By the time Mike has stopped and turned round, there is a group of people standing round Bill, who’s lying on the road.

“Is he OK?” asks Mike.

“He was,” replies one of the onlookers, “until we tried to turn his head the right way round.”

stephen Gee, Wiltshire

last niGht i saW a man in the pUb chatting up a woman while covered in mashed-up fruit, I thought, He’s a smoothie .

comedian tony coWards

a Woman saW an advert in the local newspaper that read, “Purebred Police Dog, £25.”

Thinking that was a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she’d ever seen.

In a rage, she phoned the man who’d placed the ad. “How dare you call that mutt a purebred police dog?” she said, indignant.

“Don’t let his looks deceive you, madam,” the man replied. “He’s in the Secret Service.” Unijokes.com

my Friend can’t stop sleepinG with men who have lots of initials after their name.

She’s an acronymphomaniac.

comedian darren Walsh

doc, i think i’m allerGic to leather shoes. Whenever I wake up with my shoes on, I have a terrible headache. FUnny-jokes-qUotes.com

a man Went to visit a Friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.” Unijokes.com

i Went to a karaoke bar last niGht that didn’t play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified. comedian steWart Francis

hoW do yoU droWn a hipster? In the mainstream. jokes4Us.com

dave and liam are oUt hUntinG when Liam says, “Did you see that?”

“No,” Dave says. “What?”

“A bald eagle just flew overhead,” says Liam.

“Oh,” says Dave, disappointed.

A couple of minutes later, Liam says, “Did you see that?”

“See what?” asks Dave.

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”

“Oh,” says Dave, disappointed.

Great GraFFiti

Ads, signs and street furniture prove we’re an artistic, humorous bunch (verbicidemagazine.com).

A few minutes later, Liam says, “Did you see that?”

By now, Dave is getting agitated, so he replies, “Yes, I did!”

And Liam says, “Then why did you step in it?” ahajokes.com

a laWyer Was qUestioninG a man about his pending divorce.

“What are the grounds for your divorce?” she asked.

“About four acres and a nice home with a stream running by,” he said.

“No,” the lawyer continued, “I mean what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my wife.”

The lawyer persisted, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” he replied, “We have a driveway—we never needed one.”

“Please,” the lawyer said, getting

inpatient, “has there been infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets,” replied the man.

Frustrated, the lawyer cried, “Sir, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t,” the man replied. “My wife does. She claims she’s having difficulty communicating with me.”

catherine hiscoX, Hertfordshire

Grandad asked me hoW to print on his new computer.

“Just Control-P,” I said.

“I haven’t been able to do that for years,” he said. premierjokes.com

a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

comedian GreG davies

The Hangover’s Alan’s parody Twitter account offers some words of wisdom.

Whenever I see a couple’s names carved into a tree, I can’t help but wonder why all these people are bringing knives on a date.

Don’t worry, kids—being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

When a girl says, “lol have fun,” do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat: abort mission.

Beat the Cartoonist!

Think of a witty caption for this cartoon—the three best suggestions, along with the cartoonist’s original, will be posted on our website in late March. If your entry gets the most votes, you’ll win £100 and a framed copy of the cartoon with your caption. Submit to captions@readers digest.co.uk or online at readersdigest.co.uk/ caption by April 10.

We’ll announce the winner in our June issue.

February’s Winner

It’s a rare thing these days, but at last our cartoonist Steve Way has something to celebrate. his original caption, “oh, come on, darling. We don’t want to be one of those awful couples who are always arguing about the bill,” proved a hit with our voters and secured an easy win. Let’s see if it lasts…

scoreboard: ReaDeRs 29 CaRtoonIsts 10

“I Remember”: Tom Conti

The Scottish actor on dabbling in politics, portraying a Greek and the secret of a long and happy marriage

I n the May I ssue Plus

• 100-Word story Winners

• Real-Life Drama: Into the Mud

• tel aviv: Life among the turmoil

• stories of sobering up

60-Second Stand-Up

We caught up with satirist and author andy Zaltzman

What’s yoUr FavoUrite oF yoUr oWn jokes?

Currently, one about Iraq, a lion and a birthday picnic.

What’s the best part oF yoUr cUrrent toUr?

I do a show in which the audience emails requests for subject matter. So it depends a bit on what people have sent in. But in general, a chunk on the global economy seems to be going down well.

have yoU FoUnd any parts oF the coUntry to be FUnnier than others?

Not really. Parts of the country have found me less funny than other parts. Sometimes by a large margin. A large, vociferously-expressed margin.

What’s yoUr most memorable heckle eXperience?

I was heckled in Edinburgh a year after a show. A man shouted, “I saw your show last year and, to be honest, I didn’t think it was up to much.”

I believe there should be a statute of limitations on heckling. One year is unacceptable. I was also heckled by my daughter at a show. She was three months old. Tough crowd.

any FUnny tales aboUt a time yoU bombed on staGe? Plenty. Next time you’re doing a bumper Reader’s Digest doubleissue, I’ll give you all the details.

iF yoU Were a Fly on a Wall, Whose Wall WoUld yoU be on? Ideally, a devout Hindu’s.

iF yoU coUld have a sUper poWer, What WoUld it be? The power to make the England bowlers pitch the ball up and bowl 5mph quicker.

see andy at the Underbelly Festival this month or at the soho theatre, london, from may 7. visit satiristforhire.com

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