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Est. 2002

NEED AN ELECTRICIAN? NIC-EIC Registered All electrical work Testing and Certification Free Estimates AMPTHILL ELECTRICAL SERVICES

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Yes, a massive welcome to another jam packed March edition of your Fuddler! We very much hope you will enjoy this issue - as always you’ll find the usual fun and nonsense inside, plus of course those all important messages from our advertisers. Do please

have a careful look through as we all know that ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ If you would like an advert too all our contact details are on page four. And finally a very happy Mother’s Day to Mothers wherever you are!

Re-Opening March 2014

The Red Lion is a stunning country pub in the heart of the gorgeous village of Milton Bryan. On March 3rd The Red Lion will re-open with a new all day dining menu and evening menu in our restaurant. We look forward to welcoming you soon!

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Spring is upon us! Why not spruce up your home with new Windows and Doors to get that ‘spring’ clean feeling? *** No window or glazing job too small. x

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 PASTA (Choice of 6) or  PANINI + JUICE or  COFFEE + TIRAMISU Call order through for quick lunch!                 

Ampthill Rotary Club invites you to an Open House to raise funds for their polio eradication campaign

91, Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: (01525) 404666

‘Carol Rutherford who nearly died from a brain tumour in 2012 and since recovering has spent her time raising money for the brain tumour charity, she was shocked to learn the small amount of funding the government puts into research and support of this condition. In 2013 a fantastic team of friends and family called themselves ' The Greensand Ridge Rovers ' and raised nearly ÂŁ10,000 walking 48 miles along the Greensands Ridge. All funds went to Brian Tumour UK, so they can continue to help and maintain their groundbreaking research and support people with brain tumours and their families at such a difficult time. This years walk starts 26 / 4 / 14 We are doing a 13 mile ( half marathon ) - starts Leighton Buzzard finishes Segenhoe Church & 26 mile ( Full marathon ) ends at St Marys Church Clophill along the Greensands Ridge Walk. You can follow us or sponsor us on face book @ Greensand RidgeRovers People can also donate on our fund raiser account : We would love people to come along and join in on the walk to help raise as much as we can contact or 07999909982’

Wednesday 12th March at Northridge, The Avenue, Ampthill Time 10.00-4.00 Coffee & Cake, Ploughman’s Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Second hand books, Pound stall for Polio, Phoenix Cards and Raffle. We would love you to join us but please RSVP to 01525 840850 so that we have enough cake!

Friday 14th March sees ‘The Ant Hill Comedy Club’ at Parkside Community Hall Ampthill featuring Stefano Paolini, Jeremy O’Donnell and Ian Moore. Doors open at 7.30pm for this fun filled evening and there is also a licensed bar plus gourmet hot dogs and other snacks will be on sale. Tickets are priced at ÂŁ10.00 and are available from Cambridge Wines, 12 Church Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 405929. Further information can also be found at the Parkside Hall website: Please note that this event is for over 18’s.


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Unfortunately I was unable to attend The Fuddler Annual Columnists Awards Luncheon as I had other matters to attend to, but I was honoured to be awarded ‘The Spurious Award For No Reason Whatsoever.’ And neither Duster IV or myself can quite work out how I got locked out of my suitcase.

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Across: 1 Jangle, 4 Coaxes, 7 Fractious, 9 Brie, 10 Etui, 11 Askew, 13 Dotage, 14 Dapple, 15 Grovel, 17 Recant, 19 Eager, 20 Moat, 22 Echo, 23 Labyrinth, 24 Leaner, 25 Adhere

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“The Fuddler” is published by MDA Publications. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

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Call in today to view the extensive range of stoves and fireplaces, now including the UK's finest range of woodburning stoves from Clearview 1, Bedford Street, Ampthill, Beds Tel: 01525 841199 Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

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10 11








19 20


Here’s another of Marjorie’s fine crosswords for our entertainment Across: Down: 1 Delicate shade (6) 1 Lyrical (6) 4 Find (6) 2 Amphibian (4) 7 Sweeping (9) 3 Bath sponge (6) 9 Narrated (4) 4 Mastered (6) 10 Close (4) 5 Specie (4) 11 Martyr (5) 6 Appear (6) 7 Accuser (9) 13 Secure a deal (6) 8 Incessant (9) 14 Disarrange (6) 11 Frighten (5) 15 Riposte (6) 12 Poison (5) 17 Bowed instrument (6) 15 Edible root (6) 19 Consumed (5) 16 Inn (6) 20 Silly (4) 17 Authenticate (6) 22 Russian Emperor (4) 18 Scandinavian country (6) 23 Flippant (9) 21 Diplomacy (4) 24 Scurry (6) 22 Brass instrument (4) 25 Per annum (6)







Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)



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D. Hymus Carpentry

All types of Carpentry & Joinery undertaken including, Doors, Locks, Skirting, Kitchens, Laminate/Real wood flooring, Fencing and Decking, also Ceramic wall/floor tiling. Fully insured qualified tradesman Please call Dan on 01525 636230 Mob 07794 004037 For a competitive quote.

With The Duchess of Troll

… All Sorts of Sheds and Hideaways ... Part 2 Dear friend Don, cravat wearing (never a tie) a retired maths school teacher, with his wife Eva moved to Suffolk, to a small village in the forest. The shed that they inherited, sited in the garden, was an old railway wagon with steps up to the door. How fantastic! It was soon filled out with his many old books, collected over the years, a deep seated chair and a desk and of

course a wood burning stove, with heaps of wood drying by inside. Many years ago a mobile chu rch trav elled th e countryside, visiting villages and hamlets and anyone who lived a nomadic lifestyle. The horses that pulled the wagon were strong and lived outdoor all year. These wagons have found another purpose, as a den for all the family, then becoming a cosy holiday home and a source of income. The most desired shed, was an up-turned boat, made for a T.V adaption of Charles Dickens book ‘David

AtTheJollyCoopers,Wardhedges,Flitton Mondays&Tuesdays 

PleaseringBobbiifyouwouldlike toapplyon01525860626 Copperfield’ where in the story Ham and his family, lived on the beach at Great Yarmouth; so inside complete with a fireplace and wooden furniture and bunk for night time, which one lucky family uses as a retreat, workroom and sleepovers for the children……have a picture taken on the steps with the dogs?... What a find, discovered in the corner of a farmyard a much neglected, unloved shepherd’s hut. However, inside the contents were complete. At the far end a bed with a wooden gate underneath to keep the

orphan lambs warm near the shepherd’s small wood burner. This is a multifunctional piece of equipment to cook food, boil a kettle and to keep the shepherd and perhaps a boy learning the skills of rearing sheep, warm and dry during the many weeks of lambing. As each batch of ewes gave birth, the hut was moved from field to field. The hut has been repainted and restored and used as a source of income for holiday makers to enjoy the joys of country living ... Final part of ‘All Sorts of Sheds and Hideaways’ in April’s edition - love D.O.T

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Saturday 5th April Evening performance Doors open 6.15pm Show starts at 7.00pm

Matinee performance Doors open 1.15pm Show starts at 2.00pm

Parkside Hall, Woburn St, Ampthill Email:

With a fully licensed bar and snack kiosk, the Ampthill Communty Cinema brings back the golden days of cinema. Join us on Join our newsletter at Advance tickets on sale from Waitrose.

Children £3.00 Adults £5.00 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

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Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF MOTORCYCLES Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

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With Jimmy The Voice This month JTV has been cutting up wood in the garden shed and has created this rather splendid structure ... or has he? He reckons that he has used 30 pieces of wood ...

By Julio Van Peebles 1) If you put flip flops on a horse, would you get flip clop, clip flop, flip clip.................? 2) Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? 3) If you have dyslexia and are also cross eyed, can you read alright? 4) Who can remember David Nixon? 5) Has anyone ever been called Cliff Hanger? Julio’s Useless Fact: Did you know that the referee of the1930 football World Cup final came from Belgium?

... however, we can only count 21 pieces but what do you think?

Congratulations to ‘The Smithies’ on their Wedding Anniversary on the 31st March

A very Happy Birthday to ‘Beanie’ for the 17th March

A very Happy Birthday to the mischievous Thomas Cranmer 45 on the 8th!! Lovelee!!


OOOH! JIMMY! A very Happy Birthday as always for the 20th March

Love Sue, Richard, Vera and Boris!!


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OnSunday30thwecelebrateMotheringSunday,spoilyourmum andbringheroutforlunchͲwewillbeofferingourtraditional SundayRoastsplusagreatSpecial'sBoard 

LookingforwardͲEasterwillbewithussoonandweareplanningourevents. Saturdayisquiznight,SundayisKaraokeandwewillbeopenalldayontheMonday. 

BobbiandIanlookforwardtoseeingyousoon THE JOLLY COOPERS, WARDHEDGES, FLITTON, BEDS TEL: 01525 860626 Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

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I went out to eat and the waiter asked whether I was dining alone. I suggested that he look around him at the dozens of people that were already there. People say that money talks. Mine just waves goodbye. My friend’s husband is so silly that when he wear his leather jacket he looks like a rebel without a clue. The person that doesn’t change their mind doesn’t think. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Diamonds can’t be a girl’s best friend. Whoever heard of a diamond going off with someone’s husband? Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. Has the fine line between genius and insanity suddenly got finer? Cut corners constantly and you will soon drive yourself round the bend. The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realise that you are not fit enough for it, it’s too far to walk back. The next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone I will look at them shocked and say ‘You can see me?’

i i i i i i i i i

1. When was the Battle of Flanders? 2. Where would you find a ‘Tormentor’? 3. A ‘Rag’ is the collective term for which creature? 4. ‘Not Tonight, Josephine’ was the working title for which film? 5. Where in the US would you find a town called ‘Hot Coffee’? 6. What is ‘Mafalde’? 7. When was ‘Vegemite’ first launched? 8. What was one of the 1st jobs of Somerset Maugham? 9. I f y o u s u f f e r e d f r o m ‘Trypanophobia’ what would you fear? 10.Who created ‘Inspector Luke Thanet’? 1 1940,WWII, 2 Theatre, 3 Colts, 4 Some Like It Hot, 5 Missouri, 6 Pasta, 7 1923, 8 Doctor, 9 Inoculation, 10 Dorothy Simpson

Babs was complaining to her friend that she wasn’t feeling too well after a fairly hectic week or two and asked what she should do. Her friend immediately advised her to make an appointment to see her doctor for a check up. Accordingly Babs rang the surgery and requested an appointment. The time came for her to go along and she was duly called in to see her doctor. She then explained that she wasn’t feeling too good. ‘What are the symptoms?’ asked the doctor. ‘They’re a yellow cartoon family.’ said Babs sensibly.

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Thanks again to everyone for sending in their photos! On the left this month we have ‘Miggins’ hard at work with her boss(!) and below is Graham Newson with his Fuddler at the ‘Gabba’ on the 1st day of the Ashes Test in Brisbane at the end of November. Excellent stuff! If you have any pictures of a Fuddler being read away from home please send them in to

WHAT’S ON AT THE QUEENS... ... In addition to the wall to wall conversations interspersed with a little light banter, we are pleased to offer ...

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAY Our highly popular quiz is every Wednesday starting at 8.00pm sharp. Come and test your knowledge with our guest Quizmasters - everyone welcome.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIMES A truly sumptuous array of bar snacks and nibbles for you to enjoy with your drinks ... with Richard’s compliments

HAVING A PRIVATE ‘DO’? We have a small private room adjacent to our saloon bar which you can book for your own private do! Perfect for parties of up to around 25 people. Buffets provided too! Please ring or pop in for details.

VINYL NIGHT COMING SOON We are hoping to introduce our new ‘Vinyl Night’ where you can bring along your vinyl records to play and for everyone to enjoy!!

Plus ... IMPROMPTU MUSIC NIGHTS With talented local artistes

LOTS OF OTHER STUFF TOO! You never know what is going to happen!

SHELTERED SMOKING AREA Get out of the wind and enjoy the heaters!

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This month I don’t know what to write, I’ve been up trying to think of something all blooming night. I think they call it writers block, That explains why I’m just sitting here watching, staring, at my clock. Aha there is something that I can say, Soon it will be, MOTHERS DAY, And don’t worry I ain’t forgot, Our cards are out on sale, and we gotta lot. So I’ll just sneak in a message for me Mum, Happy Mother’s Day from your handsome son (from me off course lol) So don’t forget the choccies on this day, I’ve spent ages putting them out on display. And if your mum fancies something different this year, Why not have newspapers delivered, now that’s a great idea. I think that’s going to be it from me while I’m sitting here Scratching my head, I think I’ll give up and just go to bed. Goodnight HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. YOUR LOCAL MARTINS NEWSAGENT 17 CHURCH STREET AMPTHILL 01525 404096

Ode to St Geoffrey…… Missed the Fuddler lunch AGAIN this year… Where, O where St Geoffrey were you hiding? Delightful punch, filling foods, company extraordinaire Because the REAL Thomas Cranmer we were finding. But where were you?...O where, O where!


Homemade food served in a friendly and relaxed atmosphere

Sunday 30th March Treat your Mum at Donatello’s on Mother’s Day! Lunch served 12.00 till 3.00pm

91, Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: (01525) 404666 Free parking available


Basil the Rat Communication Problems Stewartby Village Hall March 27th, 28th and 29th Doors Open 7.45pm Tickets: £8 (£6 conc.) Fri - £12 (£10 conc.) INCLUDES FISH AND CHIP SUPPER ON FRI

IN SHOP: Fairies n Frogs Ampthill ONLINE: CALL: 07966 179456 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

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QUIZ QUESTION: Last year’s Ampthill Festival was the biggest yet – but organisers say they are already expecting 2014’s to be evenbetter! The festival runs from July 4Ͳ6 and has a lot to live up to afterrecordcrowdsattendedin2013. Amprocks – which kicks off the festival on the Friday evening – DOUBLED its previous attendance with more than3,000packingoutAmpthillParktoseeToploader,The HoosiersandSkiesOnFire. “Wehaveexcitingplansfor2014andexpecttoannounce theheadlineactverysoon,”saidAmprocks’IanScarr. “Lastyearwasfantastic.Thepublicrespondedandweput onashowthat,frankly,aplacethesizeofAmpthillhasno righttoputon.” But Amprocks is only part of Ampthill Festival. As well as the Proms on the Saturday night – more than 1,000 attended lastyear’s – the Sunday Gala parade, in its 34th year, will proceed through town culminating at Ampthill Parkinwhatwillbethebestattendeddayofall. Thisyear’sthemeis‘Ampthill The Musical’ andplansare alreadyunderwayforavisualextravaganzathatwillbean absolute show stopper – with unrivalled family fun at the Park.(Let’sjusthopetheweatherdoesitsbit!) (KeepMay17openfortheselectionoftheFestivalQueen andPrincessesattheMethodistChurch!) And there is also a welcome new addition to the festival. WelcometothedebutantAmpthillLiteraryFestival,which runsalongsidetheotherevents. An array of writers and literary figures, both local and national (including one or two household names!) are expectedtoattend. More info to follow as soon as we have confirmation. To getinvolved,goto “We were bowled over by the response to last year’s Festival–itwaseverythingwehopedforandmore,”says chairmanRichardBenson. "With the addition of the Literary Festival we expect it to outshine even last year. Amprocks has become a massive success and the Proms is a perfectfamily event alongside theGalaDay. “Thelocalcommunity–whetheritbeschools,individuals, organisationsandlocalbusinesses–havereallysupported us and we are determined to continue to grow and improvethebestthreedaysoftheyear. “And the main thing is, everybody had a great time. We really do have fun for all the family, something for everyone,youngandold.That’swhatmakesitunique.” But of course, we can’t do any of this without the great MidBedspublic! Sonowforthebeggingbit… As the Festival grows, so does the need for volunteers. If youloveAmpthillandcanhelp,inanysmallorlargeway, on any of the days, in the buildͲup, or afterwards to help with the cleanͲup, to (almost) quote Lord Kitchener: AMPTHILLNEEDSYOU Forfurtherinfo,

What have Fun Quizzes, Frogs, Dogs, Wine Tasting, Beer Festivals and Mulled Wine and Mince Pies got in common??? ANSWER: They all raise money for Ampthill Gala 2014 “AMPTHILL THE MUSICAL!” Yes it’s Fund-raising time for our Gala Day again! All profits from the above help to pay for our fabulous Gala Day in the Park - this year on Sunday 6th July.  Friday May 9th: the return of the fantastic Frog Racing Event in Parkside Hall  Saturday June 28th: Boules Competition Rugby Club Beer Festival  June 9 (date to be announced): Fun Quiz at Ampthill Rugby Club  Sunday June 29th: the Annual Fabulous Ampthill Open Gardens  September/October (date to be announced): the 4th Annual Festival Fun Dog Show in Ampthill Park  Wine-tasting for Beginners (!) - date to be announced  November (date to be announced): Free Mulled Wine and Mince-pies at Ampthill Lights Switch On

Happy Birthday to Fred for the 19th March!

Happy Birthday Amy for the 7th March!

Ampthill Open Gardens AMPTHILL GARDENERS – DON’T MISS OUT! The Ampthill Open Gardens event is now in its fifth year and has proved to be a most popular occasion attracting 400-500 visitors and raising over £1000 for local charities. Each year we welcome new gardens to participate – this year’s date is Sunday 29 June. Your garden doesn’t have to be pristine – appealing features and attractive planting are much more interesting, including the odd weed! The only stipulation is that you are a resident of Ampthill. Don’t let the weather put you off, we’ve enjoyed 4 years of good weather for our Open Gardens and everyone’s garden looked a picture! So don’t miss out! Contact Angie Murdoch on 01525 403076 (mobile 07736 452131) or email as soon as possible for further details.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

As part of the Ampthill Festival 2014

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MOTTESTINGSTATIONINAMPTHILL WecaterforMOTandServicingforallyourindividualrequirementswhilstalso accommodatingfleetneeds. 

AmpthillMOTCentrehaveafullyfeaturedClassIVMOTtestingbay.Welaunchedtheserviceinearly2009, servingHerts,BedsandBucks.FullyqualifiedMOTinspectorsareavailableforcarsandsmallvans,withover 40yearsexperience.Authorisedvehicletestingstationapprovedbythevehicleinspectorate. At Ampthill MOT Centre, we carry out servicing and repairstoallmakesandmodels.Toprolongthelifeof your vehicle it is important that you have it serviced regularly. We service all vehicle types and models, including cars, vans, miniͲcoaches & small plant / equipment.Ifyouhaveyourvehicleservicedwithus,it will not invalidate the manufacturer's warranty. Competitiverates.



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Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173 ROCKET’S SECOND “GRAND TOUR” ON A B.M.W. MOTOR CYCLE Continued from last month: July Day 4 Thursday 5th 2012 Eventually its breakfast time and I help myself to the buffet, I am joined by an older German chap who speaks perfect English he is also doing a tour around Germany, most nights he sleeps in his car and stays in a hostel once every few days. We have a long conversation about post war Germany and the Berlin wall. He was living in Berlin (on the west side) when the wall was being built, he remembers when the exclusion zone in

the middle of Berlin was widened. There were people not wanting to leave their homes so they started demolishing them anyway. He tells me stories of people jumping out of windows as their houses were being knocked down! “Sad sad times for Germany” he says shaking his head. I spot one of the other motorcyclists and have a chat with him, they are heading to a race track about 20 miles from here to watch a round of the Moto GP this weekend. He invites me to come along with him and his friends but I decline his offer as I want to see more of this great country, besides I think I would have trouble keeping up with them! To be continued

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CHEEKY TOMATO CHICKEN Here’s a quick and tasty recipe - just right for a chilly evening! You need: 400gms chicken fillets and 200 gm bacon from your local butcher 1 doz bottled silverskin onions 1 large can cream of tomato soup Celery to taste Salt and pepper 2 tbs olive oil And of course, something chilled for you to slurp! Here is what you do: Preheat the oven to about

170 deg C. Meanwhile heat up the oil, cut the chicken into chunks and fry until golden brown, then drain. Wash and chop up the celery and blanch it in boiling water. Cut the bacon into pieces and fry. Then place chicken, bacon, celery and onions into an ovenproof dish and cover with the tomato soup. Season to your liking and pop in the oven for about an hour (not you - the casserole!) And now you have time for another crafty slurp - after all that’s the fun of cooking! Thanks very much, Ma’am

Painting and Decorating For all your interior and exterior decorating requirements. City & Guilds qualified. Professional, clean, reliable and friendly service. Fully insured.

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Page 17

RIDGMONT STATION Tea Rooms A delightful hidden gem! CAFÉ MENU x A selection of teas, coffees and

soft drinks x Home made cake and scones x Cream teas are our speciality! x Set afternoon cream teas £5.95 x Please note we are closed on

Mondays until 7th April

FRESHLY MADE FOOD ... x Hot soups and jacket potatoes x A selection of fresh sandwiches x Toasted paninis x Great value and a friendly


LOCAL TAKE-AWAY SERVICE AVAILABLE x Telephone 01525 287 120 or

mobile 07861 732 850 for preorders x Collection point for take-away orders

RAILWAY ROOM NOW OPEN! x We’ve extended the restaurant to

include our new Railway Room! HOW TO FIND US: By rail alight at Ridgmont Station By road follow station signs from A507 RIDGMONT STATION | STATION ROAD | RIDGMONT BEDFORDSHIRE | MK43 OXP T: 01525 287 120 M: 07861 732 850 Full disabled access, toilets and free car park

Tel: 01525 403319 email: Engine & Tender - Bar

LIVE 6 NATIONS RUGBY ALL MATCHES SHOWN Feb - March 2 HD screens Sky Sports + BT Sport

COME AND TRY OUR FANTASTIC FOOD MENU Mon - Fri 12.00 - 2.00pm Mon - Thurs 5.00pm - 8.00pm

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Page 18

Complete Tyre Support

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1. ‘That’s thrown a cog in the spanner.’ 2. ‘ M a d dogs and Englishmen go out in the midnight sun.’ 3. ‘We went out for lunch every night.’ 4. ‘I haven’t got my glasses on so I can’t hear you.’ 5. ‘Are they unidentical twins?’ 6. ‘They post it to you in the post.’ 7. ‘I love that pub but I’ve never been there.’ 8. ‘Why don’t they grow half lemons?’

Spotted by one of our readers recently: it read ‘We don’t have Wi-Fi ... we talk to each other.’

Happy Birthday Flo for the 22nd March

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

9. ‘They battered them to death and then buried them alive.’ 10.‘Some things are best said unsaid.’ 11.‘Which came first, the chicken or the hen?’ 12.‘I didn’t watch it but I saw it.’ 13.‘Is it OK to spray him using a Cider Sophon?’ 14.‘One man’s meat is another man’s gravy.’ 15.‘We’ve sold out of the free whisky.’ 16.‘March was early that year.’ Thanks again Imp

Here’s a bit more mischief that a kind reader has sent in:

Which number can you think of that when spelt out has all it’s letters in alphabetical order? Answer below


With The Imp

Page 19

Here we bring you the penultimate instalment of this delightful story - don’t miss next month’s edition of your Fuddler for the conclusion!

THE RING By Magnus Cowell

After that they arrived on the same date – the anniversary of the argument – for the next two years. Every time they came reflected the last time. He was gracious, she was exquisite and the chauffeur was outside tending the car. They performed the ritual of searching for the ring, had a cup of tea and a cake (Marianne actually refused the cake because of her diet), and left. A couple of years passed and the date that the Percivals were due to come again was marked in red on the calendar, but three weeks before that time I had a call from Julie. I was in the staffroom at the time, engaged in a lively discussion about whether soap operas should be a legitimate part of a school curriculum. “I want you to ring Malcolm Percival,” she said. “I’ve found the ring.” For a moment I couldn’t imagine what she meant; then the penny dropped. “You’ve found the ring?” “Yes,” she said. I was planting some potatoes – digging holes for them – and there it was, on the trowel.” “Well that’s marvellous. I must admit I never really expected that ring to turn up after all this time. So why do you want me to ring Malcolm Percival?” “To tell him, of course, so he can come and collect it.” “But why don’t you ring him? You’re the one who found it.” “No, you have to. It’s a man’s job.” Frankly I have never understood this division that all women seem to have about jobs that are applied to the sexes. I can see why there should be a division, of course; what I can’t get hold of is how women decide what the division is. I knew better than to argue, however, and so I rang Malcolm Percival with the good news. To my surprise he did not seem delighted; in fact he seemed taken aback. “Really?” he said. “You found the ring? Well, that is…remarkable.” He paused, and I had just started to wonder why, when he added: “I wonder if I might come and see you about this situation – preferably as soon as possible. I will not yet mention this to my wife Marianne and if you would be so kind I will allow her to remain unaware of the situation as it stands. Can you please suggest a time when it might be convenient for me to call on you one evening? If Thursday of this week is a good time that will suit me very well, if it is convenient to yourselves.” To be continued ...

Now would be a very good time to book your advertisement in our next edition! For more details please ring Martin on 01525 841434

36 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone 01525 634857 1500+ Ales from April 2010 THE PERMANENT BEER FEST SOUTH BEDS CAMRA PUB OF THE YEAR 2014 Russell and the team thank you for voting us South Beds CaMRA Pub of the Year again for 2014.

That’s the third year running that we are pleased to accept this prestigious annual award!

Now get ready to enjoy our … 4th Birthday BEER, CIDER & SAUSAGE FEST Thursday - Sunday 10th - 13th April Our Charity for the year is Keech Hospice Care

CAMRA BEDS PUB OF THE YEAR 2013 OUR OTHER PUBS ARE: The Globe, Winfield Street, Dunstable (Bedfordshire Pub of the year 2010) - Tel: 01582 512300 The Wellington Arms, Wellington Street, Bedford (North Beds Pub of the year 2010) - Tel: 01234 308033 The Elm Tree, Orchard Street, Cambridge - Tel: 01223 502632 The Brewery Tap, North Bridge Street, Shefford - Tel: 01462 628448 Seven Stars, Albert Square, Rugby, CV21 2SH - Tel: 01788 561402 Bricklayers Arms, 29 Queen Street, Hitchin, SG4 9TP - Tel: 01462 815080

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

Page 20

Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Tues to Fri 10am until 5.30pm, 11am until 5.30pm Sunday

PS We’re always looking to buy as well

with Auntie Vi I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.

True extracts from CVs sent to prospective employers 1.‘Instrumental in ruining the entire operation for a chain store.’ 2.‘It’s best for employers that I don’t work with people.’ ‘The frog does not run in the daytime for nothing.’


Don’t forget the famous Woburn Farmers Market is on Sunday the 16th March and is held on the Pitchings in Woburn from 10.00am - 2.00pm. You are welcome to come and peruse a great variety of fresh produce!

Dear Mr Rambler - I am most pleased that you and Thomas seem to have arrived at a friendly conclusion to your long winded banter concerning the greatness, or not, of William Shakespeare. I must apologise, on Thomas’s behalf, for the way in which he has contradicted almost everything that you have written. In fact I remember him at school when he would always take the opposing side in debates purely to stimulate a lively discussion and then would sit sniggering in the corner at the mischief that he had created. What a scamp and a scallywag he was and I don’t suppose he will ever be much different! Anyway, thank you for the entertainment that you have provided over the recent months and I look forward to reading more of your ramblings soon. Yours sincerely Ralph Morice (ex school chum) P.S. If memory serves me correctly Thomas was an avid fan of Sidney Sheldon’s works and indeed watched ‘Hart to Hart’ on television, subsequent to which I do believe he was spotted on Babbacombe Cliffs Railway with a copy of ‘Rage Of Angels’ tucked under his arm.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

Hello everybody. I am an actress in an exciting and hard hitting series currently being shown on your televisions. The team I work with have to catch the bad guys - by fair means or foul! (And that’s a clue!) But do you recognise me? Answer at the foot of the page.

Lisa Marcos - ‘Played’

Don’t forget Town Hall Antiques in Woburn. Silver, jewellery, porcelain, pictures and much more. 01525 290950.

Page 21

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

Page 22

G. LAWSON FLOORING (Based in Ampthill)

Garage Door Solutions Ltd

All types of flooring undertaken including

Replacements, Repairs and Spares

Your local garage door expert for: xAll makes & designs available x24 Hour repair service xNo call out charge xAll work guaranteed xFree quotations

CARPETS / WOODS AND LAMINATES KARNDEAN / VINYLS (Including wet rooms) CERAMICS AND NATURAL STONE Supply and fit or fit only service available

Call us now on: 01525 721615 / 07761 093468 Website: Or see the yellow pages

3, Woodcock Walk, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK 45 1RD

Tel: 07595 474675 With Admiral Meethegate

A three part serial about a moment of terror on the A303. Part two:The following few minutes as we crawl our way to where the lanes merge can be summed up as fraught. Short of actually driving over the top of us the driver of the juggernaut does everything and anything calculated to inspire the fear of God. At the last moment as we enter the hatched no-go area I gratefully slip into the gap, switch on the hazard lights and slow to a halt in anticipation of him cutting in front and stopping dead. But worse is to follow. He does

brake hard, he stops the engine, climbs down from his vehicle and walks towards us with that meaningful stride made popular by the likes of Clint Eastwood. But just as the mind begins to slide from 'gosh this is happening to me,' to that soothing numbness experienced by small furry animals when cornered by a predator, three things happen in quick succession. The traffic in front of his vehicle starts to move and keeps going, then a number of drivers sound their horns Italian style and a large gentleman gets out of a battered four by four and bellows in a tone that suggests a tenuous hold on self control, 'Oi! do you have a problem mate?' Our lorry driver

pauses to consider the situation; he glances past his vehicle at the unusual sight of an empty road then, turning to me, points a threatening finger, stabs the same finger at his watch before drawing his hand across his throat indicating I suppose, amongst other things, that he is not from round here and has little time for the constraints of our unenlightened culture. As we all start to move, Nanny fidgets in her hand bag. 'I'm sorry Dear, I seem to have mislaid my distance glasses, what does that notice say on the back of his lorry?' I squint at a white plaque in the lower corner. 'How am I driving?' 'Thank you Dear, and is that a telephone number?' She

makes a note on page fiftysix of the library book she has been reading and requests the loan of my phone. As I wind down after all the excitement and attempt to squirm away from my clammy shirt I'm conscious of Nanny conducting an amicable conversation about our mutual acquaintance. Would you believe it? Nanny lives in Ampthill, our eventual destination and the nice lady on the phone has a second cousin who lives in Flitwick, extraordinary! Back on the two lane section we pick up speed and with the wind in our hair, so to speak, inadvertently overtake our fellow traveller who once again finds himself right behind us. Nanny looks back. (to be continued)

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Page 23

A professional finish and an affordable price Internal & External

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07584 903297 A Gentleman’s wardrobe must never be without a stout pair of slippers. Secondly, such accoutrements must be an extension of oneself, and portray a Gentleman’s very essence. In short, an alehouse’s quality must be judged solely upon the acceptance of such appurtenance. Welcome to the subsequent compendium of Briars & Brogues. We endeavour to continue the meandering journey through the plethora of purveyors of intoxication, (both public and free) scattered about our delightful county and offer you our non-partisan contemplation of such noble establishments. This month we tender our reconnaissance of: The French Horn, Steppingley. On a rather miserable Wednesday evening your faithful brace of raconteurs were thoughtfully perambulating (pipes in hand), when stumbled upon this delightful establishment. Our excitement in discovering such an agreeable public inn turned momentarily to a confused quiver due to the lack of radiance from inside. We would later learn such lack of luminance was due to what the locals call a ‘power-cut’. However, it did not diffuse matters in hand, and we promptly set our gaze upon the offerings behind the bar. The appointment on offer is most pleasing indeed for one’s distinguished palate, and we found ourselves seduced to partake with abandon. Of course we endeavour to imbibe for our dear readers benefit, but a Gentleman must never forget himself, keeping in mind his duties at home. Whilst conversing with the full-blossomed serving damsel, we learnt it was here that a deceased Rector Sir John Schorne, is reputed to have cast the devil ‘old Jack’ into a boot, thus giving rise to the ‘Jack in the Box’ children’s toy. The flaxen maiden then regaled us with stories of ghostly happenings behind the bar. Do not let this deter any Gentleman of a nervous disposition, as we found such regalement a welcome diversion. Ambience: 8.5 The ambience reminded my decorated colleague of a dimly lit member’s only lounge he once frequented during his formative years. Relaxed, warm and inviting. Disbursements: 5 £3.50 for a pint of Becks we thought to be acceptable, given the Continental sophistication of the lager Sustenance: 8.5 An accomplished menu, the expense of which is easily forgotten given the quality of fare. Ensure your affairs are in order before instructing the chef. Bounders Hound: 9.5 A cad’s canine is a welcome accessory, apart from any vulgar breeds you understand. Locus, Locus, Locus: 8 A Gentlemen must keep his wits about him, the curvature of the thoroughfare may alarm. Allotment for one’s carriage is somewhat restricted, best to employ a valet. Total Score: 39.5/50 In the next edition, we shall be answering the fundamental question: what could be so alarming to cause one’s monocle to fall into one’s lap? And is such behaviour acceptable within a lady’s company? If you are a landlord, and wish your noble establishment to be critiqued by our brace of hirsute Gentlemen here in The Fuddler, please instruct your attaché to correspond. © 2014 Briars and Brogues™

The Wingfield Club Ltd A Private Members Club Affiliated to the CIU

37 Church Street Ampthill MK45 2PL Office: 01525 841736 Open 0900 to 12.30 We'reacrosstheroadfromStAndrew'sChurch andwehavealargefreecarparkformembers andtheirguests.Wealsohireroomsfor Weddings,Birthdays,ChristeningsandWakes andsupportlocalcharities. 

WeinviteyoutopopinthisFebruary2014and havealook.Ifyoulikewhatyouseepleaseask foranapplicationformtocomplete.Theannual membershipfeeis£10.00plus£3.50forC.I.U card.Askatthebarfordetails. 


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Page 24

The Last issue saw the yacht moored up in the Helford river. The mouth of the river is very wide at this point but landfall had to be made so that a meal and a beer could be consumed. The small tender was inflated and the outboard motor attached. It was decided that the tender could only carry, safely, three and therefore two trips were needed to transport all four of us ashore. After a very nice meal we settled down outside the pub, under a balmy evening sky, in order to enjoy a few beers. This side of the river was very quiet and the pub on the far bank seemed a lot livelier, indeed we could hear laughter even though quite a distance was involved. It was decided to visit the pub on the opposite bank. Caution was thrown to the wind and all four boarded the tender. It sat very low in the water and indeed a little bailing was needed to reach the other bank. After a very convivial evening we departed the pub. It was now pitch black, we had no torch and had failed to switch on the mooring lights. Our boat was out there somewhere, but where? to be continued P.S. So the mysterious Thomas Cranmer has revealed his identity. What a shock! It is now apparent why, when he took me beating, that he sent me into thick cover in a wood where beaters have been known to disappear.

Congratulations to Mr ‘Honky Tonk’ and Lis on their Wedding Anniversary on the 1st April!






^^^ZH\UKLYZ[YLLZ\YNLY`JV\R Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

Page 25

With Lauren Louella Boughalls Hello again to one and all. Firstly thanks you very much to everyone who had a go at last month’s photographic poser! It was a tricky one but well done to Paul, Martin, Pat, Robbie, Susan and everybody else who correctly spotted that the date stone photograph is on the front elevation of the Green Man at Eversholt! This month, we have again been out and about around the many glorious villages in Fuddlerland and have found this shelter. But do you recognise it and where it might be?

Join Steppingley CricketClub!

Steppingley Cricket Club

Despite a winter of Ashes cricketing disappointment,weatSteppingleyaregetting readyforthenewcricketseason. Itpromises tobeanexcitingseasonwiththe imminent completion of our new home (below), great, local and competitive league cricketonSaturdaysandourfirstventureinto theNationalVillageCuponSundays.

 If you think you know drop us an email to Answer next month!

T Butlin Building and Plastering Est 1987

26 years in business For your extensions, renovations, alterations, Upvc fascias / soffitts, guttering, block paving and all plastering including artex ceilings and walls plastered back to flat. Tel: 01525 405670 / Mob: 07778 680393

Also offering: Impressions Female decorators All aspects of painting and decorating. With female finesse to make the most of your home Tel 01234 751282 or 01525 405670 / Mob: 07944 710179

Theclubisakeentorecruitnewmembersto expandtheclubbothonandoffthefield.We are a friendly club situated in an idyllic location in the village of Steppingley (near Flitwick). The players are interested in enjoying their cricket as well as a pint afterwardsinthelocalvillagepubnextdoor! Sowhetheryouaretiredoftravellingaround north London for cricket every weekend, looking for a new club or are looking to play cricketforthefirsttime,pleasegetintouch. Inpreparationforthenewseasonwewillbe starting indoor nets from Thursday 23rd JanuaryatBarnfieldSouthAcademy(LU15PP) 8.30Ͳ10pm.Ifyouareinterestedincomingto the nets, joining Steppingley Cricket Club or finding out if this club or this game are for you, please email us for more details on FollowusonTwitter@SteppingleyCCforthe latest news and game updates or go to our homepagehttp://steppingley.playͲ

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

Page 26

Here we delve more into the whimsical, wacky and interesting world of Montgolfier:

Receive sms

message co your booking nfirming the evening befor e you travel.

In February's edition of The Fuddler on page 10 it said did we know that 23rd June 1897 was on a Wednesday? I remember it very well as it was my 24th Birthday. I got up at 5.30 as I had a busy day ahead. There was a slight drizzle but eventually it turned into a glorious June day. Having donned my breeches I had a quick rinse under the outside pump. I then fed the chickens and the pigs. I eventually got Toby out of the stable and harnessed him up to the cart and off we went for the day spreading muck down in the bottom meadow. The following day, Thursday the 24th was the same again with lovely weather from the start. WHOOPS! I’ve just given my age away. It seems it makes me a healthy 140 and going strong. I did wear a shirt and waistcoat with my breeches. A friend of mine has just bought himself a motorhome. I said that I would go halves with him on petrol and we could drive down to Capetown. He said we wouldn’t get far. I asked why. He said ‘Because it runs on diesel.’ I stopped and went into a small village shop then bought a couple of items and handed over a ÂŁ5 note. We then had a look at it and across the back it had written on it ÂŁ187,000,000. We wondered where it could have been to get such a high figure on it. When I joined the Royal Marines I was given a new rifle. After 10½ months training I’d fired it so much that when it was checked out by the armourer he said it was worn out and it was a wonder that the bullets didn’t do somersaults down the barrel.

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Page 27


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Confessions of a Dog Walker Episode 2: Park Life So after three weeks walking Pathi I had become quite familiar with the local wildlife, in particular the exotic birds. There was Lynne a chatty petite fair headed beauty, Angela a middle aged raven haired glamorous stunner, Renee who was a gorgeous dark skinned lovely and Leanora who was a striking short haired blonde. The latter was a professional dog walker who walked three dogs; all at once, in the morning and another two in the afternoons, as well as walking her own dog Bernie, a loveable Bassett hound. "Do

they all get on?" I inquired, as they all ran around playfully, trying to ignore Pathi who was trying to get involved. "Most of the time", she replied with a smile. I somehow managed to avoid saying “Do you come here often then?” But talked about how she got into dog walking and my story as well. We walked round the dog enclosure and then with the dogs on the lead, walked a couple of times round the green. It is exactly a mile and a 2 mile walk with the mad 20 minutes run-around was ideal for Pathi, and to have such delightful company too. In conversation I did manage to work out what time Leanora walked her dogs and usually met up with her in the enclosure. On occasion her

friend Annie joined her. She had a large Great Dane called Porsche or Portia and resembled Patsy from the television programme; Annie that is, not the dog. Annie had a friend who lived just round the corner from the park and was looking for a dog walker for a couple of months. This would be perfect as this was my last week of walking Pathi and it would be a great way of keeping up my bird watching activities. “Would you be interested sweetie?” she asked. “Oh most definitely”, I replied."Oh that’s just perfect darling" she said, "I'll arrange for you to meet Rolly then". "Great" I replied, "Is that the name of the dog?" "No silly, that's my friend, the dog is called Gladstone". And there’s more to follow

Off licence, lottery, food, snacks, plus ...

Newspapers delivered to your door!

And ... There’s parking right outside the shop!

OPENING TIMES: Mon – Sat: 6.30 am to 6.00 pm Sun: 7.30 am to 12.30 pm Bank Holiday: 7.30 am to 12.30 pm

37 Russell Drive Ampthill MK45 2TX Phone: 01525 402509 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re online too at!

With Ann, Robin & Son Here’s even more of the daft answers that game show contestants come up with when faced with the pressure of the cameras!

Name a way of toasting someone ..........‘Over a fire’ Something a girl should know about a man before she marries him ........ ‘His name’ What is two times five? ... ‘Seven.’ What is half of one thousand .......‘One hundred’ Note to Eunice Swarbrick: One of our ‘Ee-gle’ eyed readers spotted that there were 3 e’s in your story with no e’s!!

Page 28

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

The Fuddler March 2014  

A free, lighthearted publication from Ampthill, UK

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