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Dog Holiday Care Overnight stays and holiday care in our home - a great alternative to kennels. Walks in the local countryside Est over 14 years Collection available DAWN SMITH Tel: 01234 764459 Mobile: 07789 585766 www.dogholidays.vpweb.co.uk alfred.smiths@btinternet.com Overnight Stays, Day Care & Walks

Hello everyone and a massive welcome to your packed July edition of The Fuddler and it is an amazing 10 years since The Fuddler first appeared! You’ll find all the usual fun and nonsense inside plus of course those all important messages from our

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advertisers showing as we all know - ‘Whatever you are looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ May we say a very big thank you to all our advertisers, contributors and readers for making The Fuddler as popular as it is today and we’ll be back next month.

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S O L I C I T O R S Incorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you, your family and your business 88 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 750 750 1 Harpur Street, Bedford Telephone: 01234 30 30 30 Email: mail@SharmanLaw.co.uk Website: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


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With Summer now here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


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Lush

nails and tanning

Bio Sculpture Gel Overlay:  £22.00 Special offer (book together) Hands £17.00 Hands &Toes £35.00 Toes Get your toes ready for Summer: 

Mini Pedicure with Bio Sculpture Gel overlay £27.00 “Rockstar” Glitter Toes

GET 50% OFF THROUGHOUT JUNE! MAKE YOUR HOUSE SPARKLE FROM ONLY £5 WE COVER AMPTHILL, FLITWICK, WIXAMS AND THE SURROUNDING VILLAGES

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“Sunjunkie” Spray Tanning:  Full Body £20.00 Half Body 

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Other treatments available Waxing, Eyebrows and Tinting

Call Alison on 07956 467352 4 Airedale Close, Flitwick, MK45 1FA Daytime, Evening and Weekend appointments available

AMPTHILL ALLOTMENTS ASSOCIATION SUMMER SHOW at PARKSIDE HALL on SATURDAY 14TH JULY 2012 3pm Admission FREE: Raffle and Refreshments Grand Auction of show produce for the Mayor’s Charity There will also be a display of images by local photographer Mike Wooldridge. ALL WELCOME – DO COME AND JOIN US.

‘It was a great disappointment that the Millbrook Village Fete had to be postponed this year and we apologise to any of you who had planned to come and join us. However, not all is lost folks because……. On Saturday 21st July there will be a ‘Quintessential English Summer Afternoon’ to be held in the beautiful setting of Millbrook Village hall and garden. The event will open at 3.30pm and there will be country stalls. You can also enjoy a delicious cream tea and cakes or sip a cool Pimms as the bar will be open … why not be adventurous and do both.

At 5pm we have the fantastic

QUINTESSENTIAL BRASS BAND giving a concert and the musical programme promises to be exciting. In this year of Her Majesty’s Diamond Jubilee the afternoon will take us back into time for a truly English Afternoon’s experience.’

ALL WELCOME – WE HOPE YOU WILL COME AND JOIN US

LIDLINGTON CAR BOOT SALE *****************

EVERY SUNDAY & BANK HOLIDAY MONDAYS APRIL TO SEPTEMBER (weather permitting) For details of times and prices visit our website

www.lidlingtoncarboot.co.uk 01525 405598 rec. msg. When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

We extend our sincere condolences to Winsome and family on the sad loss of Arthur on the 20th June. Amongst his many activities, Arthur was very involved with the Bedford Hospital Trust and was also a keen chorister with Ampthill Singers. He will also be sadly missed by his many mates with whom he enjoyed some light hearted banter and an early evening pint in his local. Readers will also remember his witty writings in ‘Arthur’s World’ in The Fuddler. Arthur’s funeral was on the 3rd of July and he now rests in peace at Millbrook.


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LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I have been absolutely thrilled with the welcome I have received on adopting Duster 4. The late great Check-it-Out would I am sure have been equally pleased. The only fly in the ointment came when Duster accidentally ruined the hat I was going to wear at Ladies’ Day at Ascot.

Such impertinence.

Ciao

A BRIANISM I can’t cope with machines. I’m still trying to work out which tap does what on the sink.

Face painting by Catherine x Fetes x Family fun days x Kid’s parties

Add sparkle and colour to your event! Call Catherine on 01234 741220 or 07510669060 Email: info@fabpartyfaces.co.uk www.fabpartyfaces.co.uk

Across: 1 Sabre, 4 Poole, 10 Deposes, 11 Amaze, 12 Crest, 13 Eternal, 15 Tire, 17 Fared, 19 Shire, 22 Lute, 25 Rumples, 27 Ample, 29 Tonic, 30 Rowlock, 31 Asked, 32 Pyrex

Down: 2 Apple, 3 Rosette, 5 Ovate, 6 Learner, 7 Edict, 8 Esher, 9 Heals, 14 Test, 16 Idle, 18 Almonds, 20 Headway, 21 Orate, 23 Usurp, 24 Gecko, 26 Lucre, 28 Probe

“The Fuddler” is published by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

SpecialistsinallaspectsofPLASTERING. AlsoaHANDYMANSERVICEAvailable. PleasecallAlan:

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Call in today to view the extensive range of stoves and fireplaces, now including the UK's finest range of woodburning stoves from Clearview 1, Bedford Street, Ampthill, Beds Tel: 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm SincethelasteditionoftheFuddler,AmpthillFireplacesathleteMartinBearequalifiedto representGreatBritaininthe2012ITUWorldOlympicDistancerace,Auckland,NewZealand. NiceworkMartin!Followusontwitter@Ampthillfires@martinbeare Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


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AS Pub Sports Charity Open Day AS Pub Sports will be hosting a charity open day on the 4th August 2012 starting at 10am at Burgoine Business Centre, Maulden, MK45 2AE. This year we will be raising money for Keech Hospice Care in Luton. We will be hosting Darts and Pool knockout tournaments with cash prizes, as well as a 9 dart challenge, Golf dartboard, 170 checkout, and raffles. For the kids there will be a bouncy castle and face painting too. There will be a fully licenced bar run by The Old Sun Ampthill and Fish and Chip van run by Youngs Fish and Chips (10% of the takings will be donated to Keech Hospice Care)

JOHN LOWE WILL BE ATTENDING! HERE’S YOUR CHANCE TO MEET AND PLAY AGAINST THE 3 TIMES WORLD DARTS CHAMPION Competitions and Raffle prizes will include: • • • • •

Signed darts shirt from Kevin Painter from Unicorn Wayne Mardle 22g darts, from Harrows Signed darts from Peter Manly 19g from Unicorn Signed darts from Wez Newton from Unicorn Signed Dartboard from Target

• • • • • •

Voucher from Pinky’s Nails Voucher from Jack Burgoine the Florist Fish and chip supper for two from Youngs Fish and Chips Cut & Blow dry, from Headmasters 2 pcs Snooker Cue, from BCE/Riley 12 x Free entry to Henlow Dog track for 4 people

AS Pub Sports would like to thank the following sponsors for their support: Jack Burgoine Florist, Pinky’s Nails, The Old Sun Ampthill, Young’s Fish and Chips, Henlow Dog Racing, Headmasters, Unicorn, Harrows, Target, BCE/Riley, Chest Amusements, Ampthill Bouncy Castles and Top Spin Racquets. For more information please pop into the shop, call 01525 862319 or join our facebook page www.facebook.com/aspubsportsdarts. If you would like to sponsor the event or donate a raffle prize please contact Steven on 01525 862319

               





     When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


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ARAGON WINDOWS

Garage Door Solutions Ltd

Your local specialist in UPVC for:Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

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Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

xAll makes & designs available x24 Hour repair service xNo call out charge xAll work guaranteed xFree quotations Call us now on: 01525 721615 / 07761 093468 Website: www.garagedoorsolutionsltd.co.uk

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992 50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds

Or see the yellow pages

3, Woodcock Walk, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK 45 1RD

Established in 1990 and built on reputation

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Here’s another of Marjorie’s fine crosswords for our entertainment Across: Down: 1 Wails(5) 2 Pungent bulb (5) 4 Young mare (5) 3 Lithe (7) 10 Needing drink (7) 5 Bight (5) 11 Subsequently (5) 6 Sideways (7) 12 Piebald horse (5) 7 Plant part (5) 13 Ingenuous (7) 8 Animal (5) 15 Lame anag (4) 9 European flat-fish (5) 17 Spotted (5) 14 Slam anag (4) 19 Shed hair (5) 16 Dutch cheese (4) 22 Church recess (4) 18 Compliant (7) 25 Amusement (7) 20 Do use pi anag (7) 27 Same (5) 21 Swiftly (5) 29 Admonish (5) 23 Awaits (5) 30 Make low (7) 24 Large deer (5) 31 Traded (5) 26 Perfect (5) 32 Pale (5) 28 Subject (5) T

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Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

H

Painting and Decorating For all your interior and exterior decorating requirements.

*Landscaping *Fencing

*Patios

Contact: Andi Brackenridge T: 07789 681252 Email: enquiries@abbuildingandgroundworks.co.uk

Professional, clean, reliable and friendly service. Fully insured. For a free competitive quotation please call 01525 404645 or Mobile 0774 7755943

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

Athletics

*Maintenance *Drainage *Driveways


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Free WiFi

Free WiFi

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Managed by the community for the community

Pop in this July 2012 and have a look, if you like what you see fill in a membership form. Its £10 annual fee plus £3 for C.I.U. card which allows access to all C.I.U. clubs in England, Wales & Scotland. Ask at the bar We’re across the road from St. Andrews Church with a large free car park for members and their guests. We cater for Weddings, Birthdays, Christenings and Wakes and support local charities with free facilities. Your membership allows you access to the CHEAPEST BAR in AMPTHILL Automatic invitation to all its social functions plus preferential rates for hiring rooms

Look out for our add in the Fuddler for Beer Festivals and Wine tasting experiences Recognised by CAMRA for our cask ales When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


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Benedictus of the ‘9Tails’ ..... (Penultimate Chapter) Benidictus turned away from Amos with the sole intention of moving on but somehow a pathetic ‘miaow’ drew him back, for something inside tugged at those brotherly heart strings.. He went towards Amos but as he did so Amos just vanished from his sight. Bennie crept into ‘Yerffoeg Merchants’ only to be shooed out again by a most fearsome lady brandishing an umbrella. Bennie did not have to be warned twice…he was off. Once out of the store he searched in vain for Amos.

There was something about that miaow which made him uncertain and uncomfortable… he must find him, but where and how because Amos was not of this time of now, he belonged to time past. Bennie himself realised that he did not belong to this time now either and there was an awakening in him where reality once again took over from fantasy. Bennie rested a while and then in the coolness of the evening the easterly breeze made that reality more pending and important. Bennie knew that there was only one thing he could do…he had to travel yet again... His heart was full of remorse and the desire to forgive Amos was so great as he made his way back to the church… hoping above all hope that the key of

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Please call G.C.S. 07754 804 438 hundred turns would be there for in the turns of this key lay time past, present and future. It must have been the genuine desire in his heart because as night took over from evening the easterly breeze remained and a lone star appeared. Bennie reached the church door and there glittering in the grass lay the magic key. Bennie went to pick it up as he had done four times before, when it rose gently on its own and placed itself into the lock…. Bennie waited….nothing… and then suddenly the familiar voice of Great Uncle Abraham was heard. Bennie turned to see the figure of the magnificent cat by the church gate. ‘Benedictus’ he said “your desire in your heart to forgive is so strong that you have now earned the chance to leave time

present which in itself is time future and return to time past which for you will be time present. Go home now but if you fail when you get there you will be lost for ever in the power of time never to be reclaimed, outcast for eternity…go my son, and safe journey home” . Great Uncle Abraham was gone but at the same time the key turned once, twice, three times…right through to twenty turns for the fifth and last time. ‘The key of a hundred turns’ had finally made free, time itself. Bennie swirled backwards through the unpredictability of that time ….. he shook his head; it hurt; he gingerly got up, stood on his paws and swayed a little as he looked round…. ‘Oh my’ ……… Copyright reserved

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Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


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AMPTHILL COUPLE DECLUTTER AND DOWNSIZE TO THE LIMES Making the decision to downsize from a family home does not mean having to trade down on your lifestyle. Many people find this a daunting thought, but not for Ruth and John Redman, who as soon as they saw the stunning new Storey Homes apartments at The Limes in Ampthill, knew that it was just what they wanted to do. “Moving out of our lovely 4-bedroom detached house with its large garden was never going to be an easy decision but because I suffer with pain in my joints, we knew that it was going to have to happen sooner rather than later. With John retiring in 3 years, the thought of being mortgage free was a real attraction as was the excuse to be able to declutter!” smiles Ruth and John Redman at The Limes Ruth. Ruth (60) housewife, mother and qualified hypnotherapist and John (62) a model maker for the engineering industry, have always enjoyed a full life and intends to continue doing so. “I was born in Ampthill at the Prince of Wales Pub, which my parents ran, and I have never really moved away, even after John and I got married. I am very passionate about my surroundings and what I call home. John was born in Bedford, so feels very much the same.” Situated in a leafy and predominantly residential area, The Limes offers modern sophisticated living with high specification both internally and externally. Ruth continues, “The location could not be better as its midway between our two children. I occasionally help out in my daughter’s toy shop in Ampthill and this is now just around the corner from us. It is really peaceful and quiet here, yet it’s comforting to know that I can walk to Waitrose and be in the main town centre within an easy 10 minute stroll.” “The view from our 2 bedroom apartment, across The Firs, is breathtaking and is one that I had from my bedroom window as a child at Gothic Cottage.” The specification afforded to these homes is unmatched, from the luxury fitted kitchens with high quality units and worktops complete with a selection of built-in appliances, to the luxury bathrooms furnished with high-end white suites and chrome fittings. All apartments have underfloor heating and high quality flooring throughout. Master bedrooms have the advantage of an en-suite whilst the three penthouses benefit from large terraces. “Ampthill has been a truly wonderful place in which to grow up and bring up my family. Everything is on your doorstep, from excellent schools and wonderful shops to the loveliest green open spaces. Being a part of its community has been and continues to be a pleasure. For the first time in 42 years, with no mortgage and a decluttered home we can now do all those things we love doing and have more time for our children, grandchildren and ourselves,” concludes Ruth. With a history that involves Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon, Ampthill town boasts several lively pubs, a wide variety of restaurants and a selection of small independent shops. For those who love the outdoors, The Firs, The Alameda, with its beautiful avenue of trees and Ampthill Park offer relaxation and places to unwind. For commuters to London, Flitwick station is just down the road, providing frequent services into London St Pancras in under an hour. Prices at The Limes currently start at £199,950 for the two bedroom show apartment. For further information, please contact the Sales and Marketing Suite, which is open from 11am until 5pm from Thursday to Monday, on 01525 841906 or visit www.storey-homes.co.uk When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


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Times to suit you. 1st assessment FREE 45 mins lessons ALL AGES For further information contact

Guy on 07811 364 328

With Jimmy The Voice JTV is being mischievous again this month! He has very kindly sent in this picture of a load of beans in which he reckons someone is hiding!

17th July Happy 50th Birthday ‘Mammoth Man’ By Julio Van Peebles 1) Is it really possible to be cream crackered ? 2) Why don't people in TV soaps ever go to the toilet ? 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed ? 4) How can anyone be a tough cookie ? 5) How is it possible to talk a load of flannel ? Julio’s Top Tip : Never buy two tins o' tuna in Tooting on a toozdee !!

... But we are not sure there is anybody there!! But what do you think - can you see anyone?

Happy Birthday to Kerry & Bex for the 16th July! Love Mum and Dad and everyone at The Fuddler! xx

D.STORY@BTOPENWORLD.COM 07790 672699 Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

From all of us!

Best of luck to ‘Bootsie’ in your new career!


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www.aawindowrepairs.co.uk Babs and two of her friends were stranded on an island whilst on holiday. After several months they happened to find a magic lamp. So they rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could grant each of them a wish. The first friend said that she was bored and wanted to go home. ‘Okay’ said the genie and off she went. The second friend said that she missed her family and friends and wanted to go home too. ‘Okay’ said the genie and off she went too. ‘I wish my friends were back here’ sobbed Babs sensibly.

Wedding Dress Design  NÌŸŸǣsɴŸȖNj_sǣÞ¶ŘŘ_ŎǼsNjÞĶÞŘNjsĶɮs_ǼŎŸǣƼÌsNjs NĶĶŎsǼŸNjNjضs¯NjssOŸŘǣȖĶǼǼÞŸŘ Ampthill Bedfordshire Tel: 07817 528077 Email: shirley.story@btinternet.com www.memorabledays.webeden.co.uk

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. My friend’s husband is so silly he poured beer into his waterbed. He wanted a foam mattress. ‘Trust me I just need some space’ doesn’t mean he wants to be an astronaut. Failure is a learned response. Avoid failure by not learning anything. After any pay rise you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Women always remember three words from their wedding. Aisle, altar, hymn. The most painful household incident is treading on an upturned plug whilst wearing socks. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Make sure all your appointments are unimportant. That way it won’t matter if you are late. Why work your way to a considered conclusion when jumping to one save so much time? If you are bored you could use mashed potato as a gift wrap. The bee is a natural enemy of the tightrope walker.

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1. In which year was the battle of ‘Edgehill’? 2. What is an ‘Antiquarian’? 3. Where would you find an ‘Oval Window’? 4. Who created ‘Inspector Hemingway’? 5. ‘Earth’ is the collective term for which creature? 6. If you suffered from ‘Myxophobia’ what would you fear? 7. Where in the US is a town called ‘Beer Bottle Crossing’? 8. What is a ‘Simoom’? 9. Where would you find ‘Scroop’? 10.What is the adjective describing a ‘Decade’? 1 1642, English Civil War, 2 Paper measure, 3 Ear, 4 Georgette Heyer, 5 Fox, 6 Slime, 7 Idaho, 8 Wind, 9 Henry IV, 10 Decennial

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


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Intrepid reporter Charlie Garth has found the gentleman on the left reading his copy of The Fuddler in Jordan (apparently mesmerised by Meerkat’s Musings) and another reader has sent us the picture below of a mystery tourist (plus an intrigued local) who was on a Nile cruise!! If you have any pictures of a Fuddler being read abroad please send them in to martin@thefuddler.com

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Page 13

Well here we go again, and yes my written piece was late again, I’m sorry Mr Fuddler man, I’m typing as fast, as I can. I do have a good reason though, I’ve been helping out at the town’s local show. So I would just like to say well done to the organizers of the Ampthill’s 3 day event From what I saw most of the town’s residents went. With THE FEELING playing at Amprocks, the proms, and the gala day, How is anyone able to stay away. You should all be proud of our little town Offering the best entertainment around. So what else has been going on, Apart from the lap dancing club ding dong? Oh Fairy’s n Frogs have moved you will see Just a few shops down from me (Church Street). Sweet sensations will be next to move To a bigger shop so they have a bigger range from which you can choose. Cheeseman’s chemist refit has now been completed, With a great new interior, and new seats so the customers can be seated. As for MARTINS we have many new great offers, I think the best in town, Oh and not forgetting our great range of products for just a pound, And we are still offering 6 weeks free delivery of newspapers to your door, So there’s many good reasons why you should call in our store. Well I think that’s about it from me, I’m late for my park duty’s getting ready for the Proms you see. MARTINS NEWSAGENTS 17 CHURCH STREET AMPTHILL 01525 404096

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COME AND SUPPORT TEAM GB Athletics, football, beach volleyball!!!

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OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training 38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training, Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

The first five months of 2012 have seen a flurry of activity between our two towns with April being particularly busy. The first arrivals in town were the youth centre (Point Jeunes) from Nissan. 9 teenagers and 2 adults arrived at Luton Airport on Tuesday 10th April and spent 4 days with families in Ampthill and Flitwick. During their stay they had a day out in London and at the Stockwood Park Discovery Centre in Luton. They ended their stay with a farewell evening at the Wingfield Club in Ampthill. Many new friendships were formed. As Point Jeunes departed on Saturday 14th April, a squad of teenage rugby players and coaches arrived for fixtures against the rugby club. The highlight of the excellent programme was the official opening of the two new rugby pitches with former England international Jason Robinson and the Mayor, Sally Bacon performing the honours. On the subject of the Mayor, Sally and Roy Tebbutt and their partners visited Nissan at their own expense, for the VE Day celebrations between the 7 – 10 May, where they received excellent treatment. Our membership list is increasing and if you would like to join and keep up with what is going on, check out our web site and the web site for Nissan: www.ampthilltwinning.com www.nissan-lez-enserune.net

IMPROVE DON’T MOVE!

Before

After

Give your house an extension and boost it’s value! Give Stuart Palmer a call

01525 406117 Stuart Palmer RIBA - Director fod limited, CHARTERED ARCHITECTS, Lincoln House, 21 DUNSTABLE STREET, AMPTHILL MK45 2NJ email: fodltd@hotmail.com Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 15

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


Page 16

With Al B. Suppin

xThe familiar Scandinavian toast skĂśl derives from scole, the

QUEEN’S HEAD SUNDAY LUNCHES Delicious roasts served all day with a choice of meats and all served with a selection of fresh vegetables

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAY Why not join us for our quiz night? No entry fee and everyone welcome - starts at 9.00pm

SUMMER LADIES DARTS LEAGUE

drinking bowl shaped like the upper half of a human skull. Originally, these bowls were fashioned from the actual skulls of enemy killed in battle. xThe pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer. Although they planned to continue down the east coast, the Mayflower's log explains the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer". On their arrival, the pilgrims immediately built a common house, which included a brewery. xIn ancient times, monks who fasted or abstained from solid food subsisted on beer. Our grateful thanks once again Al!

Meeting here for the season - please ask for details.

PRIVATE PARTIES CATERED FOR Our saloon bar coupled with our function room make an ideal venue for private parties

REAL ALES Up to 8 real ales available for your enjoyment.

CATCH THE LAST OF THE DAY’S SUNSHINE! On our sunny side patio (If the sun comes back!)



1) SANAPUL - A tasty fruit grown on trees 2) ARIZORSE - A horse belonging to Harry 3) TWEVVY - I can't pick it up 4) DINADUN - The meal is ready 5) SNOOOO - I've just bought it, Yay!

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By Sultan Sheik

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I went to a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Oh Dear! But thanks!

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Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 17

YOUR LOCAL Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer at trade prices!

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New and used Scooters, part ex welcome. Wheelchairs, Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails, Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing & much more. For more information call us or visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


Page 18

1. ‘Please may I have a pint of Fosters and a Disaronno and coke?’ The drinks were served. ‘Thanks, which one is which?’ 2. ‘What night was it when you were in during the day?’ 3. ‘What’s that very dark wood called?’ ‘Ivory.’

With Ann, Robin & Son, Here’s even more of the daft answers that game show contestants come up with when faced with the pressure of the cameras!

Name a French ferry port: ..........................................‘Dover.’ What is a country where Arabic is spoken: .............. ‘Nigeria’ Something associated with Egypt: ............................. ‘Cigars.’ Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: ...... ‘The Generation Game’ Someone who works early hours: ...........................‘A burglar’

With Mrs Pinkleton Here are some answers that the kids gave when asked to complete a well known proverb:

‘I fink it was a bit silly of me to try and put flip flops on over socks.’

If you lie down with dogs ........you will stink in the morning. Where there's smoke there's .................................... pollution. Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed. You get out of something only what you ............................. see in the picture on the box A miss is as good as a ....................................................... Mr. Thanks again Mrs P.

With Archie Fairweather

Normally Mrs F. Doesn’t like me to play darts as that would probably necessitate abandoning her in a hostelry, but she has kindly agreed I could pop along to AS Pub Sports Charity open day on the 4th August as long as we take Henry and Gladys along! The thought of perhaps having a game with the legendary John Lowe is enthralling! Of course, the licensed bar has nothing to do with it. See AS Pub Sports ad - page 5.

Happy 50th 40th Birthday to Robbie for the 22nd July!

OSTEOPATH Help for painful musculoskeletal conditions ŀ Back

ŀ Neck ŀ Shoulder

ŀ Other muscle & joint pain

Tel: 01525 405759 The clinic is in Ampthill town centre, and you are most welcome to contact me for further advice about osteopathy, and whether it could help you. www.osteo-pathway.co.uk 1 Kings Arms Yard (off Church St) Ampthill MK45 2PJ

FREE DELIVERY Ampthill & Surrounding Areas Inflatable Fun at Deflated Prices!

Tel: 07877 959863 www.chrisbouncycastles.co.uk Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 19

Don’t forget Town Hall Antiques in Woburn. A wide variety of Antiques, the biggest stock of Moorcroft around and always quirky things. If you’re looking to sell antiques speak to Elfyn 01525 290950. Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Every Day email: elfyn@townhallantiques.co.uk

Now is your opportunity to book a stall at this year’s Woburn Village Festival annual Antiques Fleamarket. By public demand the Fleamarket will be at The Pitchings on both the 8th and 9th September this year. So if you are a stall holder and would like to book your pitch please ring Elfyn or Elaine at Town Hall Antiques on 01525 290950. The Craft Fair at the Village Festival will also operate on the 8th and 9th September on and around Park St. If you are interested in having a stall at the Craft fair please ring Kate Tenty on 07917 669449

THE FIRS CAFE, TEA GARDEN & GUEST HOUSE 85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds

Tel: 01525 280279 or 288282 www.thefirsatridgmont.co.uk

Weareveryexcitedto announcethatwehavenow openedourNEWteagarden! 

YouareinvitedtojoinusonawarmSummer’s daytoenjoy‘AlFresco’diningfromour extensiveandveryreasonablypricedmenuwith homecookedmealsfrom£5.00orlessor perhapsacreamteaandsconesormaybeeven oneofourfamousalldaybreakfasts! Familiesmostwelcome. 

Fancy a dip? The lovely Woburn Lido in Crawley Road, Woburn is now open and is open every day from 10.00 am till 7.00 pm until the end of August. You can take a dip for £7.00 for adults and £4.50 for children or perhaps a family day ticket for £20.00. Senior Citizens also pay £4.50 but they also enjoy a free swimming concession before midday.

DON’TFORGETGREATVALUEB&BFROMONLY £25.00pppnight 

Wealsohaveallourusualfacilitiesindoorsand wewouldbepleasedtoprepareyourorderto eatinortakeaway!

A MASSIVE thank you to all our advertisers, contributors and readers for supporting us for the last 10 years!! From everyone at The Fuddler Now we start the next decade of Fuddling! If you would like an ad please ring Martin on 01525 841434

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


Page 20

                   

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF MOTORCYCLES Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic Motorcycles always wanted in any condition - parts or whole

     Look whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 30 on the17th July!!

Happy Birthday to â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Andy The Swedeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; for the 26th July

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

Hi everyone! I am an actress who has recently joined the cast of a highly popular US crime show that has been on your television for some time. To give you a clue, I replaced a long standing actress in the show! But who am I? Answer at the foot of the page.

Elizabeth Shue - CSI

Happy Birthday Natty Noos!!

With Flora the Explorer The following are true complaints from tourists: â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The beach was too sandy.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Thanks again Flora


Page 21

AMPTHILL PLASTICS CELEBRATE THEIR 1ST YEAR AND HAVE NOW MOVED TO NEW INDOOR PREMISES! (SEE BELOW) Open to Trade and DIY

Fascia, soffit, all guttering and fixings

SPECIAL OFFERS FOR JULY! See below

Tools & Fixings counter NOW OPEN! x Underground drainage

Stop blocked gutters and keep those gutters clean! Easy to fit - all colours available from stock Stock is selling fast so call in to get your gutters protected this summer ...

x Paving inspection chambers x Sand, cement, plaster, tools,

dust sheets, gloves etc.

Free local delivery Come along and see our new warehouse and stocked products and tools

PRODUCT & BUILDING ADVICE AVAILABLE With over 22 years experience of building

TRADE ACCOUNTS WELCOME

JULY SPECIAL OFFERS - POP IN TO FIND OUT MORE! Support your local business

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Page 22

LOCAL OFFICE SUPPLIES

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DO SOMEONE ANOTHER FAVOUR In February 2006, I wrote a tale for the Fuddler titled “Do some one a favour, it’s worth it”. It referred to a time in the 70’s when I did a good deed and had it repaid with interest! In September 2006, I had an opportunity to do another favour, I wrote about it at the time and recently dug it out, it may amuse someone! On 12th September 2006, I drove my younger son back to his new digs in Manchester, Something I did during his degree years. On the return, I decided to have a break after about 40

miles, for a snack. After a pleasant KFC, As I left the service station I saw that rare site, a lone hitch hiker on the kerb with a ruck-sack and a skate board, I looked OK, very few hitchers these day, I do NOT always stop! He seemed a good guy and claimed to be a professional skate boarder, something I had never heard of, his tale was one of serious misfortune and I confess to moments of disbelief, only time would tell if I was duped or did a good deed! He had been to Chester for skateboard contest and been robbed of his jacket during the contest, his jacket containing his money, etc, he was due to travel to Spain next weekend and needed to get back to his home in Truro

Building Preservation Specialists x

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Enquiries: Tel: 01525 634052 ASAP to get his credentials together and make that trip. Should I leave him at the Newport Pagnel services to make his own way or assist in any number of ways to get him to Truro? It took a couple of hours before I made my decision. I had enough cash on me and I thought this guy was genuine, he told me that there was a coach from Victoria Coach Station to Truro leaving at about 2300, and I knew that there was I coach from Milton Keynes to Victoria at about 2000hrs I gave him £50 for food and the fare from Newport Pagnell to Truro. We exchanged contact details and he said he was so grateful and would pay me back.

I just remembered the folk in Southern Italy who had helped me get back to UK back in the 70’s, they did not ask for a promise or expect a refund. After six years I think I have to say that I do not expect to hear anything. I do not believe in divine intervention, but there is some truth in “Matthew 26:52”. I have often observed people having a bad time as a result of another’s greed, followed by the perpetrator suffering an even worse fate. Or in other words, “What goes around, comes around” Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

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24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken email: supaspark@tiscali.co.uk

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 23

Having already covered rugby and athletics, I am going to keep on a sporting theme and recount a skiing experience. I was in Courmayeur on my second skiing trip so was not very experienced. In the resort there were, very unusually, some British instructors: jobs which were highly sought after and normally snapped up by the locals. I got friendly with one of the instructors who generously offered me a one-to-one lesson free of charge. Not surprisingly taking up the offer we spent the afternoon honing up my Stem Christie. On the final run back I asked if he could impersonate me so that I could have some impressive photos to pass round the bar back home. We therefore swapped jackets and hats and I stumbled down the slope in my less than impressive style and got my camera ready. The instructor, clad in my gear, skied down executing perfect stylish turns. I obtained some great photos with which I hoped to impress the folks back home. As I prepared to swap jackets back the instructor sais ‘You’ve got the jacket so you’re the instructor - take us back.’ with the instructor’s jacket festooned in badges I led him back to the lifts. In Courmayeur everybody retires to the Bar Roma for predinner après ski and whilst in the bar I heard two people talking about the day’s activities. ‘Did you see that instructor bringing his pupil down, he wasn’t a very good skier was he?’ ‘No but he must be a great instructor because did you see his student!’ P.S. The over-the-hill ex-landlord attended a sixties evening where he relived his youth twisting the night away. The chiropractor inform me that he should be up and about in a couple of weeks.

£5 OFF YOUR BILL WHEN 2 DINE on presentation of this advert

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Choose from our blackboard specials and enjoy a free glass of wine (125 ml) (excludes other offers)

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To Let

AMPTHILL TOWN CENTRE LOCATION

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Elizabeth Shue - CSI

A SUITE OF 2 SELF CONTAINED OFFICES WITH SHARED WELFARE FACILITIES AND PRIVATE PARKING


Page 24

BOB AMBLER HOME DESIGNS Carpentry Kitchens - Bedrooms Home Offices - Bathrooms Replacement Kitchen Doors Worktops and Built in Appliances A complete design, supply and installation service

01525 405393 ans. phone Mobile: 07889 058345

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS NICEIC Approved Contractor Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057 With Mervyn Warren-Bartlett

Here’s a bit more silliness following the story of the missing pound: Two friends went out for a meal and the bill came to £25.00. Each placed £15.00 on the table, the waiter collected the money and brought five £1.00 coins as their change. Both took £1.00 back which meant that the meal had cost each friend £14.00, and they left the £3.00 remaining as a tip. So 2 x £14.00 = £28.00, plus the £3.00 tip makes £31.00!! Where did the extra pound come from?

This month we present the very first recipe that we published:

TIPSY CHICKEN For 4 people you will need: 4 Chicken breast fillets from you local butcher. 4 slices lean ham A block of medium cheddar cheese 1 (or 2?) litres ordinary cider Mixed dried herbs Salt and pepper, fresh parsley A glass in which to have a little of the cider to slurp! Firstly, remove fat from chicken fillets and ham and grate the cheese into a large bowl. Next, half fill a medium sized saucepan with cider, add a sprinkling of mixed herbs and

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery? Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

a little salt and pepper. Place over a medium heat and as the cider is coming to the boil add the chicken fillets. Allow to simmer for 15 - 20 minutes. Have a slurp and pop the grill on. When the chicken is thoroughly cooked remove from pan and place each into an individual ovenproof dish. Then wrap each piece of chicken in a slice of ham, cover with grated cheese and place under the grill until the cheese is melted and golden brown. Remove from grill, garnish with parsley and serve with boiled potatoes and fresh vegetables.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood that was by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his MP3 player.

Happy Birthday Owen for the 15th July!

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

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Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173 Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 25

With Lauren Louella Boughalls

Hello once again. Thank you to everyone who had a go at last month’s ‘stinker’! We had a lot of answers but unfortunately most were incorrect. But we do congratulate both Joe and David for correctly identifying the picture as being the stream in the woods at Steppingley. Well done to you, gentlemen! With the continuing inclement weather Algi and I have not had much chance to be out cycling but we have been rummaging through our old pictures and have found another lovely old photograph which we hope you will recognise. But where is it?

Local Reliable Locksmith 24 Hour Emergency Call Out x

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No Call Out Charge Mobile Key Cutting Service All Locks Opened or Repaired Lock Replacements All Types of Locks Supplied & Fitted Emergency Lockouts Wooden, UPVC & Metal Doors Security Advice

Jack Cook - Locksmith & Security Advice Email: jclocksmiths@gmail.com Tel No: 01525 840984 If you think you know drop us an email to martin@thefuddler.com Answer next month!

Domestic Appliance Repairs

Mobile: 07850 411202

The Lawnmower Centre SALES - SERVICE REPAIRS

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Call Bill Jones on 07763 668500

local and

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!


Page 26

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Here’s a little more whimsy and interesting tales, facts and memories from the pen of Montgolfier: I used to cycle to school and back, just over 3 miles each way. Someone said to me ‘It was safer in your days.’ Was it? As soon as you went out of the gate there were Tanks, Bren Gun Carriers, and Gun carriages towing guns. Jeeps, lorries full of troops plus troops marching etc. Then when you arrived at school enemy planes were dropping bombs landing in our sports field and smashing all our windows plus bombing the houses opposite the school and (Doodle Bugs) flying bombs going over. Was it safer? I don’t remember any one of us coming to any harm: one school mate was in bed with his brother when one of the incendiary bombs went through the bed between them. One of over 400 dropped that night. Then one evening getting home there was a crashed enemy bomber with a load of bombs on board opposite the house in the field. We weren’t evacuated - we stayed where we were I’m still here. It is now June and for the first time ever I’ve not heard the cuckoo yet. Also we’ve only got tadpoles in the garden ponds. Listening to someone on the telephone he kept saying ‘You don’t say’ several times. When he finished I said ‘Who was that?’ He said ‘He didn’t say.’ A friend was worried about his hair going grey. He needn’t have worried as the greyness has completely gone: it’s now all white. I still live and learn: yesterday I found out that snakes cannot blink.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com


Page 27

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Episode 29.........Why # 9? For this the ‘Decennial’ edition of the Fuddler, I was hoping to continue relaying my adventures, but as I have been saying to my old chum Fuddles, there are strange things afoot down here in the village of West Hampstead. It all started one morning when I was in mid-conversation with Fuddles on my landline telecommunication device, when I looked out of my kitchen window and saw this square piece of paper happily fluttering in the breeze whilst attached to the gate of one of my neighbours’ garden plots. Fuddles suggested I should investigate and when we finished our natter I did just that. On closer inspection the piece of paper displayed a

number 9 on it and I naturally thought the number would correspond to the numbering system of the plots. To be certain I walked to the righthand end of the drive where the gardens started and counted each plot carefully, it was the 7th plot along. Intrigued, I walked to the other end and repeated the exercise expecting the plot to be the 9th plot from this end thus ending the mystery ..... it was the 6th. Neither did it correspond to a number of a potential residence as we are located in the 20’s and 30’s, so what did it mean? The next day Fuddles rang me with news from the shire and was also interested in whether I had solved my mystery. He was amused when I told him that I had not and had in fact got more captivating, and that the note was still happily

fluttering away. The mystery had got more absorbing, consumed my curiosity and was distracting me away from my work. A few days later when I had my regular Sunday morning gossip and recipe swapping session with Fuddles, I told him that my enquiries with my neighbours had not revealed nothing to help unravel the raison d'être of the action or indeed the perpetrator, not only that but it seemed nobody else cared that much. He mischievously suggested I put random notes up around the neighbourhood with numbers on them. I thought this would be a good jape and put a 3 on someone’s wheelie bin and a 7 on somebody else’s shed. Several more days past before finally I thought I’d cracked the puzzle, there were some people in the offending area doing some gardening and I went over

x x x x x x x

to ask them, “What was the purpose of the #9 on their gate?” It turned out that they were just as ignorant to its origin and purpose as I, but not quite as concerned and weren’t that bothered about it. So, at the time of writing my column, I have just finished talking with Fuddles, whose interest in the note equalled my own, but for his own amusement rather than genuine interest, and enquired as to whether the note was still there. Out of the window I could see that it was indeed still there, blowing in the wind now, but on closer inspection without its numerical value, had it been erased or perhaps washed away by the recent rain? I will probably never know the meaning or purpose of the little note, and the individual responsible may never realise the effect it had on one particular resident.

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The Fuddler July 2012