The Fuddler July 2009

Page 1

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT x 40 Yrs experience x Fully Insured x Special Rates for OAPS! Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc Free Estimate 01525 288207 07500 431131

Hel l o e ve r yo n e a n d welcome to this 7th anniversary edition of your Fuddler!

There’s the usual fun and nonsense inside plus lots of important messages from our advertisers, so please look carefully through as we know that ‘Whatever you’re

Plus - All aspects of home security

FIXED PRICE AERIAL INSTALLATIONS

DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANT SUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00 Take away food available - collection only Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

NEED A LOCKSMITH? Please turn to our ad on page 18

looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ We very much hope that you enjoy the edition and a very big thank you to all our advertisers, contributors and readers for making the Fuddler as popular as it is today!

See you again next month!

See our ad on page 21

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Sharman Law S O L I C I T O R S Incorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you, your family and your business 88 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 750 750 1 Harpur Street, Bedford Telephone: 01234 30 30 30 Email: mail@SharmanLaw.co.uk Website: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

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Do you need a venue for a Friday or Saturday night party?

Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

All central Bedfordshire areas covered Airport transfer specialists Competitive prices Corporate account works Passenger & parcel service School service 100% reliable service Professional service guaranteed 24 hours a day

Page 2

CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

The staff have now been re-shuffled but now Eddie has a problem to maintain his standards as the newly re-shuffled staff held the customers to ransom to make sure they have eaten their fruit and veg before they go.

Some of the customers have been held for 1 week but they still don’t want to eat the food!

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

With Summer well and truly here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows?

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Page 3

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR VARIED, INTERESTING PART TIME EMPLOYMENT IN THE RETAIL INDUSTRY We are currently seeking a reliable, enthusiastic, flexible person to assist with the day to day functions of running the busy showroom in the center of Ampthill.

Commencing September.

Due to the nature of the business extra hours may be offered during the winter months.

Extremely varied duties including sales.

Basic computer knowledge needed Please call for further details

Ampthill Fireplaces 1 Woburn Street Ampthill Bedfordshire Tel: 01525 841199

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ

Telephone 01525 402959 Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details.

We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more!

NOW HERE! DMC Silks Aida, evenweave,

NEW!

Cross stitch club twice a month

Please ask for details Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits

Ordering service available for kits - please ask

SIA HOLDS THE UK’S FIRST SKI-A-THON, ON REAL SNOW IN MILTON KEYNES SIGN UP NOW TO TAKE PART On 12 September, the Spinal Injuries Association (SIA) will hold the UK’s first ever ski-a-thon, on real snow, at the SNO! zone in the Xscape Milton Keynes. Sonic the Hedgehog will open the 12-hour event by leading the skiers and snowboarders in the first leg, down the indoor slope. The event can take up to 45 teams of up to 6 people, over the age of 7. One team member has to be on the slope at all times, and teams are given the opportunity to switch skiers at hourly intervals. The endurance challenge itself, combined with a host of activities for supporters and shoppers, promises to make this a spectacular day for all.

The ski-a-thon team leader that raises the most sponsorship money wins a week’s stay for two (double bedroom), in January 2010, at Haus Kienreich B&B in a beautiful Austrian ski resort.

This prize was kindly donated by owners James and Tracey Hinsby.

Also every team leader will be entered into a prize draw for a place on SIA’s Reach for the Peaks Ski Challenge, 4-7 Feb. It’s a ski hard and play hard, long weekend involving skiing or boarding down 35 peaks, in 48 hours, in Austria!

If you would like to put together or join a team, contact Sarah on s.tennent@spinal.co.uk or call 0845 6786633 ext 217.

On 4th June 2009 a youth counselling service has opened in Ampthill. The counselling service will be available to all young people 11-25 years old, that live in Ampthill, Flitwick and surrounding villages. The service is FREE and they will be able to self refer. They are also working alongside the GP surgeries in Ampthill and Flitwick who will also refer.

Currently young people have to access counselling in Bedford, Milton Keynes or Luton.

The aim of counselling is to provide you with an opportunity to explore and clarify ways of living more satisfactorily.

It is a process which helps you examine personal problems and unlock hidden feelings that may have been hidden for some time…and make progress.

The process takes place in a relaxed, safe and confidential setting, allowing you the time to talk to someone, who will neither judge nor advise you, but will assist you in setting goals and working towards them.

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Page 4

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS Check-It-Out, Duster and myself were discussing the pleasures of eating.

Luncheon I think would have to be my favourite meal but I have to admit, for my part, I must consider supper as a turnpike through which one must pass in order to get to bed.

So now you know.

Ciao

A BRIANISM

I was pleased to see that the crooked financier was sentenced to 150 years. Mind you with good behaviour he’ll probably be released after 100.

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“The Fuddler” is published by MDA Publications and printed

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The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

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Page 5

LOCAL HEARING CENTRE MINGLES WITH THE STARS What brings Annie Lennox, Mick Jagger and Amy Winehouse under one roof? Answer, the Hear the World Ambassadors photography exhibition by leading hearing system manufacturer Phonak in cooperation with musician and photographer Bryan Adams, which is being sponsored by Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare.

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare as part of the Association of Independent Hearing Healthcare Professionals network (AIHHP), is sponsoring the London leg of the Hear the World Ambassadors exhibition, which will be showcased at London’s Saatchi Gallery and is open free to the public from 22nd to 26th July 2009. The exhibition has previously visited New York, Berlin and Zurich.

Bryan Adams has taken a series of exclusive photographs of renowned personalities for Hear the World, a global initiative which raises awareness about the importance of hearing and the impact of hearing loss, which was launched by Phonak in 2006. As official photographer, Bryan Adams captured each of the celebrity supporters with a hand cupped behind their ear to convey conscious hearing.

Stephen Beale from Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare says: “In the UK, people struggle with hearing loss for an average of 15 years before seeking advice, despite there being many solutions available that could make a significant difference to their lives.

The Hear the World initiative is addressing this problem by providing support and raising awareness about hearing loss on a global scale.”

To celebrate their involvement in the campaign and encourage people in Bedfordshire to have their hearing tested regularly; Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare will be offering complimentary hearing assessments until September 2009. For more information call 01234 348144.

“I’m excited to lend my support to such an important cause,” said Adams. “As a musician, I’m naturally sympathetic to an initiative dedicated to helping people appreciate and preserve an individual’s sense of sound. I hope this exhibit helps to remind people of the tremendous value of their hearing.”

Over 800 million people worldwide, more than 16 percent of the world’s population, have hearing loss and the number is expected to increase to 1.1 billion by 2015. In the UK the number of people with hearing loss is estimated at 8.5 million.

Studies have shown that untreated hearing loss can have a significantly negative effect on a person’s social, emotional and physical wellbeing.

More information about the exhibition is available from www.hear-the-world.com/exhibition.

Wish you had

Better Hearing?

H Dis 1 E c 0 Pa A o % ym R u IN nt en tt G O er m A ff s ID av ai S la

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Do you hear people speaking but you can’t always make out what they are saying?

Poor hearing can destroy your quality of life.

We can help you to rediscover the pleasures of good hearing hearing children’s laughter, the punch line of a joke, even being able to join in a conversation.

To find out if your quality of life could be improved then simply call us.

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare has been improving the lives of thousands of people with hearing loss for over 33 years. We want to help you improve yours.

We can arrange a hearing test in the privacy of your own home.

Call now for a FREE hearing check or request our FREE Information Pack.

01234 348 144 52 Harpur Street, Bedford, MK40 2QT (near Guild House)

www.bedfordhearing.co.uk Home visits available. Finance details on request. Free parking at rear of practice.

Page 6

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As Tarquin is apparently on holiday, Marjorie has been kind enough to send another of her quick crosswords for us. Hopefully Tarquin will be back again next month!

2

3

4

7

5

6

15

16

8 9

10

11

12

13 14 17

19 22

20

21

Down: 1 Imperial (7) 2 Knowledgeable (7) 3 Iniquity (5) 4 Dreary (7) 5 Winter sportsperson (5) 6 Dwarf (5) 9 Head (9) 14 Unhurried (7) 15 Denial (7) 16 Jumble (7) 19 Slobber (5) 20 Deluge (5) 21 Derision (5)

23

Y

25

U

Q

R T

Despite the heat, Sandra’s been scouring her book of all knowledge to find another hex word!

(Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you!

(Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

M

24

18

Across: 7 Ancient Gallic necklace (6) 8 Christmas bird (6) 10 Tiny fish (7) 11 Reverie (5) 12 Musical instrument (4) 13 Supervene (5) 17 Empty (5) 18 Leap (4) anag 22 Speedy (5) 23 Chronicle (7) 24 Bandit (6) 25 Shin armour (6)

E R

1

A

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Page 7

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Page 8

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Meerkat decided to pay a visit to Mc.Chappells to catch up with all the characters in the garden. She was in a for quite a surprise – the whole garden was STILL in the middle of renovation and the bottom half of the garden was more like a rubbish dump than a garden. For a few moments she was quite alone when in swooped The Colonel that ‘cheeky and dominant robin’ who then proceeded to explain that all the birds had taken up temporary residents at Lilombroke as the guests of Henrietta and Cedric while the garden is undergoing the final renovation works. As for

the two mobile balls of fluff they were still here but life was not so much fun without the feathers around…….(are you lost folks? remember ‘BEAKS, FEATHERS AND ATTITUDE’?) Meerkat stayed on chatting to The Colonel for some time. What a fat round little bird he had b e c o m e …… . . r o u n d ? ………’round robin’? Ah ha.

One to look up when home………….

Round Robin is the name for a letter where the responsibility for sending it is shared by all those who have signed it. This method was known to the British Navy by

1730. In the same century, in France, all those who had signed a petition would do so on a ribbon which could then be joined at the top and bottom to prevent the first person to sign being singled out for punishment. The term has absolutely nothing to do with our feathered friend, the robin. Round coming from the French ROND and Robin is “a corruption of French RUBAN meaning ribbon’ (‘A WORD IN YOUR SHELL LIKE’ by Nigel Rees’).

No time to waste at present on such trivia, Meerkat must find Lionheart and sort out the insurance for the pending new car…………….hereby hangs another ‘tail’……….

With Geoffrey THE Golfer

A golfer was about to tee off when a chap ran up and said ‘Hold on, before you tee off I have something amazing to show you. A special golf ball that you can never lose.’ What do you mean you can’t lose it?’ said the golfer, ‘what if you hit it into the water?’ ‘No problem - it floats, detects the shore and spins towards it.’ ‘Supposing you hit it into the woods?’ said the golfer. ‘No problem, it emits a beeping sound so you can find it and if it’s dark it glows - so you can never lose this golf ball.’ The golfer immediately buys it. ‘Just one question’ he said ‘where did you get it?’ ‘I found it’ was the reply.

GTG

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Page 10

The Flitwick Club 20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

Cut out the middleman! Buy Direct!!

HEAVY DUTY PICNIC TABLES FROM £65.00!

Plus hanging baskets, trellis and picket fencing all at great prices!

With Jimmy The Voice Now this is difficult!

Jimmy has found an almost impossible task for us! Look at the little cross in the centre of this picture and you will see circles develop! But how many can you see? (There are 16!)

We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.

WE HAVE PARKING AVAILABLE WITH EASY ACCESS TO THE STATION FOR A NOMINAL FEE OF £40.00 PER MONTH

Please ring on the above number or call in - we are open from 6.00 pm onwards apart from Sundays: 12.00 noon Great Beer Prices at The Flitwick Club! Real ales at £2.45, John Smiths £2.25, Fosters £2.45, Guinness £2.65, Kronenberg £2.75

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALAN FOR THE 17th JULY!

By Julio Van Peebles 1) If pop star Bryan Ferry had a son called Gerald who went out celebrating, could he become very merry Gerry Ferry?

2) Why do some people put that soppy little cross on the No. 7 3) Has anyone ever done their weekly wash and pulled out the answer to a problem after the final spin?

4) Has anyone ever been called Jim Panzey?

5) Why do people in films or on TV never go to the toilet?

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY IAN FOR 9th JULY!!

Julio's Top Tip: A pear makes an ideal chicken drumstick substitute for vegetarians!

Thanks again for another impossibility - Are you sure you don’t need help?!

A very Happy Birthday to Kerry and Bex for the 16th July! Lots of love Mum, Dad and everyone at The Fuddler!

Hair today - gone tomorrow? Love Di

and the rest! xxx

Helen & Skip welcome you to the

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Page 11

Call Paul on 01525 751752 or 07906 221444 for a free written estimate. References available. email: paul@prbmaintenance.co.uk x x x x

General carpentry Kitchen fitting Tiling Coving

Babs decided that she would do a good deed and help out at her local school.

She noticed a young boy in the field standing alone whilst all the other kids were running round having fun.

She took pity on him and decided to speak to him.

‘Are you OK?’ she asked.

‘Yes, fine’ he replied.

‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ said Babs.

‘It’s best I stay here.’ said the lad.

‘Why’ said Babs The lad replied ‘Because I’m the goalie.’

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Never carry an ice cream in your back pocket at any time.

Someone told me they saw a sign on a blanket made in Taiwan ‘Not to be used as protection from a tornado.’

You are reading too many magazines if you are worried because you don’t have any symptoms.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

In 1999 142 British people were injured by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

If you are bored you could always make a scale model of Notre Dame Cathedral using mashed potato.

My friend’s husband is so silly that he bought an electric lawn mower so that he could find his way back to the house.

Prevent damage to your personal integrity by leaving it at home in the mornings.

Superfluous ornaments increase labour needlessly.

Uninhibited dancing distracts even the most committed worrier.

Would Anchovy and Cleopatra be food lovers?

Encourage your inner child. It will give your man someone to talk to.

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1. An unkindness is the collective term for which creature?

2. Where would you find a solid suit?

3. What is an ‘Alewife’?

4. Hubert is the Patron Saint of whom?

5. W h a t i s a ‘ B a r b a d o s Blackbelly’?

6. Who created Superintendent Hannasyde?

7. There is a town called ‘Nowhere’. Where is it?

8. Where did pasta originate?

9. What was Tchaikovsky’s first job?

10.Where would you find a ‘Parasitic Cone’?

1 Raven, 2 Bridge game, 3 A fish, 4 Huntsmen, 5 Breed of sheep, 6 Georgette Heyer, 7 Colorado U.S., 8 China, 9 Office clerk, 10 Volcano.

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Page 12

The Royal Oak Church Street Lidlington MK43 ORJ (Sat Nav) Tel: 01525 840233 www.royaloaklidlington.co.uk

Tony & Angela welcome you to your friendly village local …

GOOD OLD FASHIONED PUB GRUB WEDNESDAY - SUNDAY Saturday 1st August SUMMER BEACH PARTY!!

Prize for the most outrageous shirt Summer cocktails, BBQ & Disco

KIDS SCHOOL HOLIDAYS FAMILY MEAL DEAL - Kids eat free when accompanied by 2 Adults (Terms & conditions apply)

THE GREAT BRITISH PUB AWARD Regional winner Best Creative Outdoor Area of 2008 Beer garden with enclosed children’s play area + plenty of car parking. Come and see our new garden with water feature!

THURSDAY NIGHT IS CURRY NIGHT!

RAMBLERS HOT SPOT! Dog walkers also welcome

SKY SPORTS IN HD NEW!! - Sports Loyalty card for use

CANCER (June 22-July 23) That old obstinate streak seems to be coming to the fore again. Just back off a little and you will find the compromise was well worth it.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) If you believe strongly enough that you can achieve what you want to then you will. The difficult part is making the decision.

LEO (July 24-August 23) Grab those ideas that are flitting about in your mind and write them down before they escape! That way you might carry some of them out.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) There is a move afoot! Could be home or job but things look very positive indeed. Don’t rush headlong into a situation you can’t get out of.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) The planetary aspects look very positive for those born around the middle of the month. Long distance travel is strongly indicated.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) It takes a brave person to stand their ground while others may be doubting you. All should turn out as you hope but you may have to listen to others.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Your life should not consist of only work. There is time for relaxation but, quite simply, you have to take the time to create it.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) Try to stay calm after the news you receive is not quite what you were expecting. There will always be another day.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Slowly does it. If you rush into anything without due consideration you could run headlong into a wall.

Accept advice given freely.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) Your love life appears to be a bit on the shaky side. Is it because you refuse to back down? You can’t always have things your own way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) Don’t worry about finances too much.

Occasionally it does us all good to throw caution to the wind - as long as you do it cautiously.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) After your recent birthday you probably feel a little older. No worries - wisdom comes with age invest your cash carefully.

*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON?

Saturday 11th July

The Famous WINGY KARAOKE! 1000’s of songs - or bring your own discs Lots of music and fun!

Saturday 25th July

Do not miss … The fantastic voice and personality of the fabulous and versatile

SARAH QUINN

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Page 13

‘I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who attended or helped with both the Ampthill Park Proms and Gala Day. The good weather and careful planning helped to make this one of the best Festivals we have ever had. The support of the people of Ampthill to make the weekend a success is in no doubt, everyone pulled together to make this a great community event.

Our first ever Proms was a great success and we now need to secure funding to start planning next year. This year we were fortunate to have Lottery Funding and we need to replace this with sponsorship for 2010. If anyone wishes to sponsor the Proms please ring me on 07795 624263.

The Gala Day is growing each year and we need more volunteers to join us. If interested please email me on christophe.hayes@ntlworld.com and you can then be part of the team of hard working volunteers.

I am standing down as Chairman of the Festival after 5 years as I feel it is time for someone else to bring in fresh ideas. I feel that I am leaving the Festival in good shape to whoever takes over and I will be still around to help out where I can. I would like to thank the Committee and all the other volunteers for their help over the years.

See you all at next year’s Festival Weekend the 26th and 27th June 2010. TBC.’ Chris Hayes Chairman Ampthill Festival And congratulations to everyone involved for all the hard work culminating in a truly superb event for Ampthill!

Access Airports Private Hire Can’t sleep? Worrying whether the taxi to the airport will arrive on time or someone will be waiting at the barrier when you return? Stop worrying, Access Airports are local, friendly and 100% reliable. Very early in the morning or late at night, it doesn’t matter to us. We operate a 24hour/7days a week service in air conditioned comfort.

Call Eddie or Tony Tel: 01234 740694 Mob: 07803 201014 or Tel: 01525 754880 Mob: 07721 650940 Email: petersenspad@ntlworld.com or fasteddie01@tiscali.co.uk

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE & CAFE 85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds

Tel: 01525 280279

GREAT VALUE AT THE FIRS! We’ve changed! As well as offering great value B & B (from £25.00 per person per night) we now invite you to try one of our delicious home cooked meals using locally sourced ingredients which you may either order to take away or eat in at our refurbished tea rooms and gardens:

ALL DAY BREAKFAST

2 eggs, 2 bacon, 2 sausages, mushrooms, tomato, baked beans + 2 slices of toast - all this for £4.00 to take away or only £5.00 to eat in!!

A SELECTION OF OUR OTHER MEALS TO TAKE AWAY OR EAT IN And the good news is - nothing costs over £5.00!!

Lasagne & salad Jacket potatoes Salads Omelettes Burgers Bangers & mash Beef casserole, mash & veg Plus lots more - please pop in and see our full menu

Any meal may be pre-ordered by telephone for collection SANDWICHES & ROLLS FROM £2.25

Tea & coffee to drink here or take away Pensioner portions available at £3.00 including delivery within Ridgmont

CREAM TEAS £3.50 ‘We look forward to seeing you soon!’

Page 14

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

MICK HULATT CARPENTRY SERVICES QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133 E-mail: mickhulatt@aol.com

For The Very Best Disco Around All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670

Battle of the Brave We are pleased to bring you another of our series of pictures showing just what chefs get up to when they are bored! Thanks again to the reader that sent it in!

Happy Birthday to ‘The Hippy’ on 17th July - lots of love The Strumpet!

Millennium Park, Dunstable Street, Flitwick 15th August 2009

Fun Day for all Our sponsored challenges include, a 40 & 10 Mile cycle challenge around Bedfordshire, using National Cycle routes 51 and 12, along with a Bungee jump for the more daring.

Our Fun filled day includes Inflatable Table Foosball, Mountain Bike Stunt Show, large Inflatable assault course, Hot Food, Live Music, and Licensed Bar Show your support, register for a challenge and join us at Millennium Park (recreation area) Flitwick, 15th August 2009 10am – 6pm have fun with the family and help raise much needed funds for Leukaemia Research, The Anthony Nolan Trust and The Willow Foundation.

Register for a challenge visit www. giveatomarrow.org.uk or call 07947 838156

Congratulations to Will Molloy for smashing the Alameda School long jump record held since 1976, with a giant leap of 4.40 metres in June 2009!!

Love Dad

Happy Birthday to Natty-Noos for 17th July!!

(And you thought we’d forget!)

Page 15

Advison is a small, friendly and reliable firm specialising in

Investments, Retirement Planning and IHT Mitigation.

We offer a return to the traditional values only a smaller company can offer, a service we find is appreciated by the more discerning client.

Advison are either AFPC or FPC qualified.

----------Expert, Independent Advice---------

All staff at

x Regularly quoted in the National Press for over 10 years x Used as financial planning experts on BBC, Sky, Bloomberg and others x Choice Magazineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pensions and Trusts expert x Planned Savings Magazine â&#x20AC;&#x201C; National Estate Planner of the Year Please call us for a preliminary chat or to arrange an appointment.

No 7, Water End Barns, Eversholt (Nr Woburn), Beds. MK17 9EA T: 01525 288488 E Mail: ifa@advison.co.uk Advison Ltd is an appointed representative of IN Partnership the trading name of The On-Line Partnership Limited which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Registered (England) No. 5009271

Page 16

PARTY ROAST

Having a Bar-B-Q?

Outside Function?

Why not have a Pig / Lamb Roast?

The Ultimate in Al Fresco Entertaining!

We can supply: Roasting machine Meat or poultry Chef / Carver Glass hire Full outside bar facilities Salads, buns and other buffet items to your taste

Why not phone us for a quote and let us take the strain out of all your outdoor party needs?

With Mavis Plimpton

Hello again. My friend Gladys has just been round for coffee and biscuits and left some more silly things that have been in Church newsletters where perhaps the words should have been checked.

The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Pot Luck supper Sunday at 5.00 pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7.00 pm there will be a Hymn Sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin.

The Pastor would be grateful if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the Pancake Breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7.00 pm. Please use the back door.

Year 8 will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7.00 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00 pm at the Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Thank you once more Mavis!

Beat the credit crunch with Formula One Scooters Ampthill Festival Gala Day; we would like to thank all those who bought a ticket for our Scooter raffle and congratulations to Sophie Sharpe on being the winner!

With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park.

The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.

You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required.* We have a wide range of 50cc and 125cc scooters, both in sports and retro style.

Prices vary from £699.00 to £1,099.00 including road tax and registration. * Providing licence obtained prior to February 2001

F1 Scooters

Tel: 01525 872493

Pilgrim House, Dunstable Street, Ampthill

0845 313 8400 Ɣ 07961 775420 www.f1scooters.co.uk

Page 17

â&#x20AC;Ś...Yet still listen to your favourite Digital Radio stations as you relax in the brilliant weather conditions(?) the weather experts tell us we are going to enjoy during the coming summer months.

The answer to going green is, the ROBERTS Solar DAB Radio. This wonderful little radio is perfect for days in the garden, at the beach, fishing trips, picnics and conservatories.

While it can be charged via the mains electricity supply the real benefit to everyone is to sit it in the sunshine and let the solar panel do its work.

The radio is a departure for the normal Roberts designs. The Solar Dab is available in a range of 5 colours with the front of it dominated by a large speaker grill and a cluster of knobs and buttons with an LCD screen on the left hand side of the face.

The buttons are fairly standard. Tuning, volume and presets.

The LCD screen shows station information, any text being broadcast and the battery status. There is however one crucial addition to the display and that's the charge bar. This shows the amount of charge that the Roberts Solar is getting from the panel on the top edge of the radio. One end of the scale shows a cloud when the radio is on a low charge and a sun when it is on full charge, so you always know what is happening. In fact, when it's fully charged, you'll get up to 27 hours of easy listening from it, when it's in a darkened place. That's the sort of green gadget that we should all be putting into our homes...

The sound quality is excellent as you would expect from a company of Roberts standing. For more information on Roberts Solar DAB Radio, contact Tavistock Sound & Vision 21 The Broadway, Bedford. MK40 2TL or Tel: 01234 356323 (see their ad on the back page of this issue)

Norman Mole DESIGN AND BUILDING CONSULTANT HOME EXTENSION AND NEW BUILD Plans Drawn Planning Permission Building Regulations Structural Calculations Thermal Calculations Obtained

Mob: 07831 224064 Tel: 01525 862121 email: norman.mole@btconnect.com

Page 18

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training 38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training, Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the cup of coffee that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the coffee is getting cold, and I decide I should put it in the microwave to reheat it. As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coffee down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Page 19

ARAGON WINDOWS Your local specialist in UPVC for:Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992 50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

What is Link A Ride?

Does anyone know anyone who uses them?

L.A.R is a non profit making organisation, registered as a charity under the Industrial Provident Society and is bound by its rules. Our aim is to provide a door to door transport service for those people who are unable to use ordinary transport because of a disability. The service uses vehicles that are constructed for ease of access, even if you use a wheelchair.

Who Qualifies to use L.A.R. We are a membership service, to become a member you must reside in Mid Beds and have a disability that inhibits you use normal buses.

How much does it cost? -We have a membership fee of

£5.00; this is a one off fee.

Being disabled will allow you to apply for concessionary fare travel permit. This permit will allow you to travel free Where can I go? -We can take you most places though out Bedfordshire. We cover an area of 200sq miles and each vehicle averages over 120 miles per day. We will take you Shopping, to visit a friend, visit partner etc in nursing home. Even to the hairdressers, or to a doctor’s appointment. Most things are possible.

What hours do you operate? We operate Monday to Friday, 9.00 am to 5.00 pm.

Do I have to give up my Senior Citizens bus pass? No, Central Council recognises that there are occasions where

Building Preservation Specialists x

Damp Proofing

x

Woodworm Treatments

x

Dry / Wet Rot Treatments

x

Basement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655 Mobile: 07850 727752 email: Jim@jrobb65.fsnet.co.uk

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

you may be able to use normal transport. For example if you are accompanied may be able to use normal transport, when you are not you may need to use Link-A-Ride.

Some people with sight problems find that the different levels of day light mean that on some days they can see well enough to use normal transport on a different they cannot see well enough and need Link-ARide. People with certain disabilities find that they have good and bad days, on bad day they need us on good one they don’t.

Can I bring a friend? - Yes you can bring a companion/ helper with you on the bus.

Will your drivers understand my needs and will I be safe Yes : All Link-A-Ride staff has

to be cleared by the CRB Criminal Records Bureau. Our drivers undergo Midas driver training and have to pass a test every 4 years. All drivers are first Aid trained. We receive many testimonials on the quality of our staff.

How do I make a booking?

You need to telephone the Link-A-Ride booking line. We will discuss your needs a try to accommodate. We allow people to make a booking up to 7 days in advance and most people take advantage of this.

However we know that this is not always possible and will always try to help at short notice.

For more information: Telephone: 01525 840511 - we will be happy to discuss your needs.

TIDY UP SERVICES

JH

GARAGE & GARDEN RUBBISH CLEARANCE

AND PROPERTY MAINTENANCE SERVICES

Complete tidy up service available including grass cutting, edging, overgrown gardens etc plus we take all the rubbish away!!

Waste licence 15 years Established 35 years MAJOR CARDS ACCEPTED

Tel: 07976 383698 01234 742100

ELECTRICAL • DOMESTIC • INDUSTRIAL • COMMERCIAL

24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken email: supaspark@tiscali.co.uk

Page 20

...are Milton Keynes’s premier airport transfer company.

Whether a business trip, or a much needed break, Airports Direct are dedicated to getting you to and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service guaranteed. DVD’s / coolers available.

T: 0800 707 6003 E: info@airportsdirectmk.com www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)

‘What great hot weather we are having, and what a great time to pop down to your local Martins to stock up with those much needed cold drinks from our extensive range. We also have a large range of ice creams and summer toys in stock, including cricket/tennis sets, footballs, paddling pools and water pistols.

Following the sad death of Michael Jackson, we also have a range of souvenir books celebrating his life and his music.

And finally, if you are looking for new business premises, !7a Church Street Ampthill has become vacant, this is the building behind Martins. For further details please pop in or telephone 01525 404314.

If you would like to have newspapers or your favourite magazine delivered please give us a call on 01525 404314.

We hope to see you soon …’

Redbornstoke Morris are always looking for new dancers and musicians and YOU could quickly become part of a great team. YOU are welcome to join at any time - the only requirements are that you are male and keen to learn. The best thing to do is come along and watch us dance - you’ll find our programme at www.redbornstoke.com - and have a chat with any of us, or please ring Andrew on 01234 212110.

Page 21

LOW COST SEASIDE HOLIDAY!

AT HOME OR WORK

Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485 Mobile 07977 605987 email: nigelpaul_nigelpaulrober@yahoo.co.uk

I thought I’d got away with it but those beastly chaps in the studio have changed me!

(Though not much, thank goodness!) I star in a popular American TV show (as if you’d need telling!) currently being shown.

The answer is at the foot of the page.

N N I

With Archie Fairweather Mrs F. had decided that we ought to have a drive out in the sunny weather so we motored out to Ridgmont.

There, right in the middle of the village is The Firs Guest House and Tea Rooms.

Recently refurbished the Firs offers a splendid range of value for money meals either to take away or eat in. We opted for their sumptuous all day breakfast to eat in. We

Hemsby - Lovely 3 Bedroom holiday chalet sleeps 8.

Family site with heated indoor supervised pool.

Club house, shop, cafe, Amusements.

Superb location close to Gt Yarmouth.

Chalet clean and fully equipped.

Cheapest rates for this area.

For more information Tel. 01525 402701.

(Evenings) BOOKINGS TAKEN NOW!!

could have sat outside in the gardens protected from the sun by the parasols but we chose to stay indoors and enjoy the quaint ‘Continental’ feel of the tea rooms. The breakfasts arrived and we spent a leisurely time enjoying the home cooked food and a cup of tea to follow. All in all a rather good find!

You can find their ad on page 13 of this issue.

There may just be time to book an ad in the next edition of The Fuddler!

Please ring Martin on 01525 841434

Happy Birthday to Lady Anne of Millbrook - Fete opener extraordinaire!!

‘People who live in glass houses should be very careful about where they shower’

S N IO

T A fixed price aerial installations OV

poor reception specialists sky repairs & installations digital aerials freeview systems plasma installations A family run company with over 15 years experience x Registered Digital UK installer, NVQ qualified x x x x x x

01525 841017 16 Chiltern Close Ampthill Beds MK45 2QA

Rapid Response Mobile:

07887 710558 www.innovationsaerials.co.uk

Amanda Righetti from The Mentalist

Page 22

After all the nonsense that Fergus has sent to us we are delighted to repeat Mrs Handislip’s advice: 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-ityourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB AND RESTAURANT

Summer menu now available LARGE PATIO GARDEN THURSDAY 23rd JULY

A & F Fabrics Ltd Your Local Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning Service ‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

Lashings Cricket March on The Green - We are open from 4.00 on the day for food and drink

All furniture moved and replaced

The Green Man Church End Eversholt MK17 9DU

Stain Shield protective treatments

Telephone – 01525 288111

CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

Stain and odour removal

All work fully insured and guaranteed

01525 712639

Email: affabrics@btconnect.com

Page 23

With Auntie Vi GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 1 No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2 When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4 Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5 You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6 Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7 Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10 The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd Tel 01525-403924 Mobile 07860-504222. www.pjdennisplumbingandheating.co.uk

Established 21 years & specialising in renewable energy.

Ground source heat pumps.

Under-floor heating systems.

Supplied & installed.

Rain harvesting systems

Well thanks for those and we look forward to more!

We also carry out the following services:

The Number 1 Ironing and Laundry Service Professional, high quality and friendly service

Power flushing of heating & boiler system.

Solar hot water systems.

Free delivery and collection Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service For further information contact

LOUISE on

01525 841114 The Acorn Centre, Unit 2, Station Road, Ampthill

(Plenty of free parking)

Boiler services, Gas & Oil. Bathroom refurbishments.

Prestigious new build, we can offer a complete bespoke design & install service.

Corgi & Oftec registered & registered installers of Nu-Heat under-floor heating systems (Log on to www.nu-heat.co.uk/PJDennisAd)

Page 24

Bugged by a bug? Computer broke?

Foxed by email? Internet slow?

Computer repairs, Hardware or Software, Security, Networks, Internet, Computer and software training, In your home or office, Fixed rates - no call out charge

mad dogs and Englishmen

. . . in Arthur’s World

THURSDAY NIGHTS POOL CHALLENGE Come and enjoy a knockout challenge - you may win a cash prize!!

Watch out for details of our new ‘Jamming Night’ for local musicians on Tuesdays!

Planning an event?

If you're hiring a hall for a special function and need a professional full bar service brought in, then look no further. We supply a fully manned and equipped bar service for any special occasion.

We do it all so you and your guests can simply relax and have a good time.

Plus: Bigger choice of regular Guest Ales!

Traditional games - Crib, Dominoes & Darts

SUNDOWNER SIDE PATIO OPEN!

Come and enjoy a cool drink and enjoy the last of the day’s sunshine!

They come out in the mid-day sun or for that matter any time of the day in Ampthill.

I was sitting outside a favourite hostelry of mine the other afternoon soaking up the sun and thinking of a pleasant England and all that stuff.

I was still full of nostalgia and national pride following a brilliant Proms in the Park event only a week earlier.

I wished I still had my mini Union Jack with me to wave off the First World War re-enactment platoon as I watched them set off to do overnight duties in Shuttleworth following their successful campaign in Chatham recently.

It brought a lump to my very dry throat . . . . what a time to desert their Ampthill post when the Bombardier had run out ! !

Talking about dry throats – have you heard about the latest “on line” drinking trend. Not “on line” as in Internet but “one line” as in BT Line.

It’s the latest means of keeping in touch with your far away siblings, in between Christmas cards and the odd birthday card when you remember to send it. You can actually do the same with friends if you have any, or even the mother-in-law if she’s up for it.

It’s dead simple, as one of our nearest and dearest members of staff on The Fuddler has proven.

Nip down to your local shop on a Sunday morning, get your papers and a bottle of something you fancy. Get settled into your favourite armchair around about 11’ish.

In the meantime your sibling brother, a hundred plus miles away has gone through a similar shopping routine of sorts.

The telephone rings, the glass is filled and replenished several times at both ends of the line in that hour up to noon. A cosy family chat ensues.

Boyhood memories are re-enacted, family gossip is swapped.

It’s not a bad way to spend an hour on a Sunday morning and it doesn’t half set you up for the rest of the day and telephone rates are dirt cheap on Sundays or even free if you’ve got the right deal.

Why don’t you try this new social trend for yourself ?

PS – I’ve just gone ex-directory !

Page 25

The story last month composed entirely of song titles has inspired the following sent to us by ‘Edith Pioff’ - again using solely the titles of songs!!

‘Hey Joe - take these chains from my heart - I can't stay mad at you - I want to break free’ ‘My sweet lady - when all is said and done - I drove all night - take a chance on me’ ‘It's over - I have a dream - it's a hard life - please release me’ ‘Suzanne - everybody knows - I'm your man - don't stop me now - all I want is you’ ‘The carnival is over - I can't stand it - living on my own - I feel free’ Again - absolutely brilliant! Many thanks! And if you think up some more please let us know!

FARMERS MARKETS

The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel.

Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.

Woburn Country Foods BUTCHERS & FARM SHOP Specialists in top quality local meat from Beds & Bucks

BBQ SPECIALS

Marinated Pork Ribs 6oz Handmade Burgers Angus Beef Beef & Onion Venison & Herb Lamb & Garden Mint Speciality Sausages

Garden tidying, lawns mowed, weeding and all those other jobs you haven’t got time for!

Sensible rates and reliable, clean & tidy service.

07722 022 743 JD GARDENING SERVICES HELP ON HAND WHEN YOU MOST NEED IT!

Local Fresh Fruit & Veg Fresh Strawberries & Cream Homemade Cakes Cheese Fresh Bread & MORE! West End Farm, London Lane, Haynes West End, Beds, MK45 3RA Tel:01234 740300

www.woburncountryfoods.com SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL FARMERS

Page 26

Outstanding gardens designed for outdoor living Small garden? - no problem Large garden? - We love them!

MOB: 07903 374712

CALL 01525 75 55 50

1 to 7 SEATER - PRIVATE HIRE TAXI SERVICE

AIRPORT TRANSFERS - DAYS & NIGHTS OUT COASTAL DAYS OUT - WEST END SHOWS

LUTON AIRPORT RETURN FROM £45.00!

By Sultan Sheik

1) MOFF................... I am about to leave 2) SOVER................ It has finished 3) VARDLY...............I haven't experienced that much 4) TWERLY..............You have arrived before you said 5) MURTING.............I am in pain 6) SADDIT................It's worn out

A READER’S SNIPPET! At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 am on 7 August this year (2009), the time and date will be: 04:05:06: 07-08-09 This will not happen again until the year 3009!

Here’s a tasty dish that one of our readers wishes to share with us, thank you Ma’am!

TROPICAL PORK CHOPS You will need: 4 pork chops from your local butcher A little cooking oil 1/2 pint of orange juice 1 tsp powdered ginger 2 tbs Demerara sugar Salt & pepper Splash of Tabasco sauce 1 tbs cornflour 4 slices orange 4 pineapple slices 1 tbs water A cool bottle of your favourite wine to slurp whilst cooking!

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Bung on the oven to heat to about 180c. Then heat oil in pan and brown chops on both sides and then transfer to ovenproof casserole dish.

Mix up the orange juice, sugar, ginger, Tabasco and salt & pepper and pour over the chops.

Bake in the oven for about 1 hour. Place the drained chops onto a hot serving dish and keep warm. (Not you - the chops!) Mix up the cornflour and water with meat juices and heat until sauce has thickened. Garnish the chops with the orange and pineapple slices and drench with the sauce. Wonderful served with mashed potatoes!

Courtesy Ruby We are pleased again to bring you another word from Ruby’s collection.

This month’s teaser is ‘Legerdemain’. Answer at the foot of the page.

Here’s a little more whimsy from one of our readers:

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?'

I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

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Page 27

By Michael McSpleen

Episode 400007

The little cheery little guy had not registered any kind of off world symptoms while he had been chatting to my oppo, so I reckoned it would be safe to maybe see what he felt about this part of town. I was becoming more convinced that this was close to where the presence was emanating and I still hadn’t seen anything unusual other than the “rushby” I’d had before lunch which was definitely not human.

I could tell he was about to move off about his business and that I hadn’t been the most responsive guy he had ever met so I jumped in quick; “So, sir, could you tell us a bit about this part of your quaint English village. I never been here before and it’s only my second time in your country?”

This had the desired effect and he began telling us all about

the history which, if I’d been on holiday rather than Agency business, I would have appreciated far more. The buildings themselves were older than anything state-side I’d ever seen. So I was happy to stand and enjoy before pressing him further; “D’you ever notice anything strange about the place, you know, anything kinda cooky?”

His eyes seemed to light up at this and he came back straight back with his answer; “Oh, you mean ghosts and suchlike?

You Americans love all that don’t you?” he said in a conspiratorial manner, “Aye lad, we got our fair share of them round here” and before he could begin another talk, I had the tranquilliser micro flare aimed and charged, taking a fraction of a second, and fired it to freeze the guy and enable a more accurate questioning of whatever he might know in his subconscious mind.

To be continued

09.33 am

Fuddler file received by email

09.37 am

Mr Fuddler is called in to check the proof

09.46 am

Mr Fuddler arrives and signs off proof

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10.03 am

Mr Fuddler leaves with lots of little Fuddlers to make his first deliveries

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South West Australia Spring 1974

Having arrived in Freemantle WA from Sri Lanka in April 74 with £10 in my pocket and nothing in the bank, I soon found work with a retired engineer who designed/built/ installed “portable” saw mills in the Australian bush.

Bill’s sawmills were portable but BIG and it took 10 guys about one week to install one, but this time it was just Bill with some help from me and the two of us took ten weeks!

He had been called out of retirement to move a sawmill from one location deep in the bush to the town of Yarloop, where a large sawmill already existed, some 100 miles south of Perth. I reckon the capacity of our additional mill increased the existing mill’s capacity by at least 20-30% but I really

cannot be sure…

I was living at 110 Loftus street North Perth with some nurses, a chef and a nervous guy who had a job of some sort! Bill would collect me from the house and we set off to Yarloop where we lived in the only hotel for a week at a time.

For an idea of size of Yarloop, the Hotel phone number was Yarloop 5! The police station was Yarloop 1.

A pattern slowly emerged, while the plan was to return to Perth on Friday, it seemed that Bill was never ready on Friday and we worked a six day week and after one week we went home on Saturday, the next week on Sunday and so on; it ruined my weekends but Bill paid very well and I was not complaining.

The other pattern that emerged

was a real surprise for someone brought up in England; the climate in West Australia is typical of large land masses, very predictable.

After no more than two weeks we realised that at about 1500 hrs we would see a build up of cloud some ten miles away, by 1600 hrs it would have reached our vicinity and just slightly, darken the sky, ten minutes later we would be drenched by a sudden downpour and would have to run for cover.

We soon planned for this and by 1603 hrs we had all the tools under cover and were sitting in Bill’s giant Holden Estate out of the rain! Fifteen minutes later, the downpour was over and we got back to work.

Sometimes, we would work at his home in North Perth where he had a massive workshop;

we would repair equipment for later installation at Yarloop.

Bill’s wife would cook a superb lunch but I cannot remember ever hearing her speak, the protocol in the house was stri ct and al most Victorian, (not that I can remember Victorian times!). I remember Bill chastising me for having bread with both butter AND jam on it.

I tried to get in touch several years ago but I reckon he was long gone. I did not agree with or understand a lot of Bill’s attitudes to life but he taught me a great deal about the Australian culture; I reckon he was a good man.

Sorry, no punch line this time but there is more about Bill later, some with a punch.

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Page 29

With Andy - our Hampshire correspondent These are genuine complaints sent to a leading holiday company during the 2008 season!

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"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (ÂŁ3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.

We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"My fiancĂŠ and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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Page 30

Here are some more observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: My girlfriend turned up in a pair of high heeled shoes to go rambling. I said ‘You shouldn’t be wearing those.’ She replied ‘They will be all right - they are not my best ones.’

I met a friend an the Doctor’s waiting room. I said ‘How are you?’ He replied ‘Fine.’ So I wondered why he was there.

There is only one thing worse than finding a caterpillar in your cabbage when having a meal, and that’s finding half a caterpillar.

Why do we all use capital letters when doing crosswords?

A customer gave me his visiting card. I said it was blank. He replied ‘My name is on the other side.’ I asked him ‘What made you print it on the back?’

Did you know that if you had lived around 100 years ago and your grandfather clock stopped working you would have a job of getting the time set right again. There was no talking clock on the phone, no phones, no radio, no TV, no wristwatches.

You could probably run down to see the church clock and run back again, or hope someone would turn up with a pocket watch.

I promised my mother in law a Mediterranean cruise as she had been good to me, and that she would be able to have her evening meals with the ship’s captain. She replied ‘If I have got to eat with the crew, I’m not going.’

People take an aspirin for headaches, toothaches backaches etc. but how does the aspirin know where to go?

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Page 31

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Episode 11: ………..

Weighing it Up! It has been a year since I started to compile this column, penning my somewhat futile attempt to lose weight and documenting my adventures associated with the project and my encounters with the good folk, as well as some of the bad, from my rural township. In the first instalment “A Weighty Predicament” twelve months ago I hinted at the somewhat harmless ridicule and banter directed towards my “cuddly appearance” had encouraged me to set out on a quest to manage my eating and drinking in a more responsible fashion and to try and shed a few pounds, well quite a lot actually.

I had hoped that the likes of Fuddles, Squeaky, Plunkett and Mitch would be impressed and even offer good natured support with the odd piece of satirical wit to keep my interest going.

Unfortunately the opposite ensued. I hardly made it easier for myself though, being a small community it is hard to come away from the corner shop or a fast food establishment armed with various items of unsuitable food substances without being spotted. Strangely, never around when one has been to the fruit and vegetable stall. I did and continue to have the support and encouragement from Topbird who is also on a regime of her own and having far more success than I. It has been an up and down, but

mainly up, twelve months in relation to my weight loss. For those readers who don’t recall I started off quite well losing over 13 lbs in the first few months, I t ee t e red b a ckw ards and forwards during the winter and then suffered badly heading towards spring where I ended up back to square one, at present I am 10 lbs over my starting weight, not good.

With the summer upon us though, there is no excuse for not eating healthily, lots of salads and light meals are available, there is also an abundance of fruit a to be had and I will endeavour to reduce the alcohol intake as well but unfortunately I do like my fare washed down with a nice red wine. I recently came across this anecdote from George Orwell who sums up the whole scenario quite well especially with our current financial

situation ‘The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots.

And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food. A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; [but]….. when you are underfed, harassed, bored and miserable, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food, you want something tasty.’

George Orwell 1903-50 The Road to Wigan Pier (1937) This venture is still work in progress and if I’m still writing in another twelve months I hope to have made significant inroads into the challenge.

As always all characters and events portrayed in this diary are real and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely intentional

……….to be continued.

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